PARNELL, C. S., father of the downfall of English ministries and Ulster. Born of Irish parents. First man to successfully explode dynamite in Parliament without being executed. Ambition: An Ulsterless Ireland, a Conservativeless England. Address: Close to the English ministry. Epitaph: The Bills Men Introduced Live After Them.

PARSIFAL, the longest-winded singer who ever stepped on an opera stage.

PASTEUR, Doctor, discoverer. Experimented with mad dogs until he came to the conclusion they should be shot or chained. A subway station in Paris has been named after him.

PATRICK, Saint, a Scotchman who drove all the snakes out of Ireland with the exception of those in bottles. Also introduced the brogue and the shamrock into the Emerald Isle.

PAT, also of Ireland. At an early age he emigrated to the United States. There he took up the hod-carrying business. Went on the stage and set the world laughing. He also entered politics, captured the American police force, and, together with his brothers in Parliament, rules Great Britain and the United States.

PATTI, Adelina, a singer who said au revoir but not good bye. Epitaph: Cum Grano Salis.

PEAR,(8) the man who names most of the London busses, and keeps the people of England clean for a penny a week. His business is international with the exception of Glasgow and Italy.

(8) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. The editor does not use soap.

PEARY, Captain Robert E., explorer who said he reached the north pole and convinced a few people. Was also forced to write a book and lecture. Publications: How Dr. Cook Almost Got Ahead of Me. Ambition: That a certain man had not made him get all the way there the last time. Grave: The Cook incident.

PENN, William, a man whose picture appears on all Quaker Oats boxes. An Englishman who left his country, bought Pennsylvania, built the slow, old town of Philadelphia, and hung up the American Liberty Bell.

PERICLES, of Athens. Political boss, philosopher, and general. Secured his reputation through brains, a voice, and a well-oiled political machine. Started the golden age of Greece with a loud blast of the horn of plenty.

PETER, no relation to the following. He introduced the art of chocolate making into Switzerland, and the art of eating it into America. Ambition: More children and people with sweet teeth.

PETER, Saint, a fine old bearded saint who is an excellent bookkeeper, and a detester of roosters. A church in Rome has taken his name. Ambition: A new key. Recreation: Oiling hinges. Address: Golden gates.

PHARAOH, of Egypt. Benefactor of Moses and Joseph. Was also the father of Pharaoh's daughter. Built a few pyramids, cigarette factories, and made a handsome mummy.

PHILIP II, a king of Spain who, with an armada to press his suit, endeavored to marry a queen of England. Both the suit and the armada were left in the bay of Biscay, and the queen an old maid. Ambition: To the Inquisition with all Englishmen. Motto: Faint heart never won fair lady. Address: Spain.

PINAUD, Edward, discoverer of the only thing which would have saved your hair.

PINKHAM, Lydia, of vegetable compound fame. Made a fortune out of advertisements, little boxes of pills, and women who believed what they read.

PIPER, Peter, famous picker of pickled peppers. Also held accounts against many people. Caused considerable worry to his creditors.

PITMAN, Isaac, discovered a method of making political speakers more careful of what they said. His invention has secured wealthy husbands for many a pretty and poor stenographer.

PLUTARCH, the only man who had more lives than a cat.

PLUTO, boss of the underworld until Old Nic got on the job. Also the manufacturer of a morning beverage.

PLUVIUS, E., was the fellow who always made it rain when you wanted to wear your new hat or go to a ball game.

POE, Ed. A., an American poet who specialized in ravens and cold chills.

POINCAIRE, Raymond, a Frenchman who has a splendid opportunity to get out of this book.

POLLUX, Leda's other twin. (See Mother and Brother.)

POLO, Marco, F. R. G. S., traveler, discoverer, and lecturer. Began expeditions from Venice. Discovered China, Japan, and the Orient. Returned to Venice and Doctor Cooked his neighbors. He is supposed, however, to have visited the countries, as he produced a pair of chop sticks, a Chinese laundry, and some Japanese lanterns. These were accepted as proofs by the University of Venice. Ambition: The north pole.

POMPADOUR, Madame, coiffeur, Queen of France. Said to have been a peach. Was a great friend of Louis XV, and helped make the dances at Versailles a success. Ambition: Plenty of hair. Recreation: Versailles. Address: See Louis. Clubs: Anti.

POWELL-BADEN, Robert S., a warrior who retired from service and invented soldiers to be shot when the next big war comes along.

PROCRASTINATOR, T. H. E., an extinct man who believed in the doctrine of To-morrow. He was a thief, but was never convicted. Ancient records state he invariably had an excuse for present inactivity, but would promise results the following day. Was a close friend of Failure. Put off everything except Death, and even did his best to keep him away as long as possible. Motto: No time like the future. Ambition: To accomplish to-morrow what the other fellow is doing to-day. Recreation: Always before business. Address: Nobody knows. Clubs: Many.

PROGRESS, Pilgrim, an Englishman who made an extensive journey encumbered with a large pack. He visited Paris, had some hairbreadth escapes, was stuck in the mud, but finally returned and became respectable like all other Englishmen.

PUCCINI, Giacomo, maker of tunes and curtain calls. A musician who did not starve, and who gave the classical name "La Faniculla del West" to the plain "girl of the golden west."

PULLMAN, an American who invented an expensive means of travel. P. also is responsible for the vast fortunes acquired by porters.

PUNCH, husband of Judy, and a great favorite with the children, even if he did beat his old wife. Led a hen-pecked life. Traveled in several European countries and spoke all the best-selling languages. His name has been given to a serious London publication.

PYTHAGORAS, a Greek who said some people would be pigs after they were dead.



Q(9)

(9) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the few Q's who have been famous.

QUIETUS, Fluvius, of Rome. Always put his name to everything when he came around.

QUIXOTE, Don, famous knight-errant of Spain. Made some desperate conquests for his lady-love, and was defeated by a windmill. In all his defeats, however, he showed to the world that a laugh cuts deeper than a sword, and that satire would kill where a lance could not penetrate. The word quixotic is used to his commemoration.



R(10)

(10) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the character of the R's who have been famous.

RALEIGH, Walt., one of the men who was permitted to hold hands with Queen Elizabeth. His other feats were the introduction of the pipe into England and the plug into Ireland.

RAMESES II, an Egyptian king who went about building burial mountains, statues to himself, and permitting cigarettes to be named after him.

RAPHAEL, a decorator who took paint in its raw state and made it worth money. Filled walls, principally in Italy, with some expensive paintings, and, like Angelo, used the Vatican as his studio. Ambition: Churches with larger walls. Recreation: Painting, art, and canvas weaving. Address: All galleries.

RECAMIER, Madame, of Paris. Supplied the society column to the newspapers. To be invited to her salon meant that you would get plenty to eat, that you were somebody, that you would see somebody, and that you would have to wear your Sunday clothes. Her R. S. V. P.'s were always accepted. R. finally lost her money, and with it her friends. Ambition: The man of the hour. Epitaph: When She Had It She Spent It.

REMBRANDT, Dutch painter who specialized in portraits of old ladies and Rembrandt. Also brought considerable fame down upon himself by filling a museum in Amsterdam with tourist-drawing paintings.

REMINGTON, the man who invented a typewriter at which many pretty stenographers(11) sit.

(11) Ed. Note: Advertisement for the stenographers, not the machine.

REVIEWER, The Book, he is the fellow who said a chef-d'oeuvre like Who Was Who should be used for ballast.

RHODES, Cecil, a poor boy who saved his money and purchased South Africa.

RHODES, Colossus of, a giant of antiquity who was not killed by a stone. He rusted to death.

RICHELIEU, Cardinal, the man who held down the throne for Louis XIII, and disagreed with the Duke of Buckingham.

RITZ, innkeeper who made hotels in which we all would like to stop, but cannot. Ambition: Americans and English nobility. Recreation: Visiting his hotels. Address: Ritz and Carlton. Clubs: Does not need any.

ROBESPIERRE, a French politician who had the opportunity of doing to his enemies what most politicians would like to do to theirs. Was finally voted out and down.

ROBINSON, Jack, brother of Sam Hill. He claimed distinction simply because some people were sufficiently clever to do things before his name could be pronounced.

ROCKEFELLER, John D., an American who endeavored to drive his camel through the eye of a needle by giving advice, building churches and colleges, and squeezing competitors. Like all millionaires, he was born penniless. R. worked hard, helped the missions out of his $3 a week, married, and purchased some oil fields. He struck oil. He made it in a trust. Then he began purchasing colleges to keep young men out of business. As his wealth increased his stomach and hair wore out. Could make seven people dizzy thinking of his money. Spent the latter portion of his life dodging subpoenae servers, and doubling his fortune by the dissolution of his business. Ambition: More churches, colleges, and less competition. Also another Supreme Court decision. Recreation: Golf, the coiffeurs, and telling young men of the futility of competition. Address: Courts and church. Clubs: Y. M. C. A., when he can spare the time from his legal and congressional investigations.

ROCKEFELLER, John D., Jr., the little Rockefeller who will have the fun of spending it. He was a good boy, and told other young men how fortunate they were in being born poor and all about the fungus which grows on the root of all evil. Never knew what a good time he could have with his Dad's coin in Paris. Ambition: To be like father. Recreation: Sunday school. Occupation: Forming new trusts and enlarging the old ones. Clubs: Y. M. C.A.

RODIN, August, a Frenchman who did his utmost to fill European and American galleries with statues at a price which would have made Mike Angelo a billionaire.

ROJESVENSKY, Admiral, a great Russian admiral and sea fighter who gloriously defeated the fishing squadron in the English Channel. Later hit a snag in the Orient.

ROMEO, Juliet's best fellow, who learned that his road to true love ended in a cemetery.

ROMULUS, Remus' twin. Collaborated with his brother in home life and in building Rome.

ROOSEVELT, Theodore, nom de plume, T. R., Teddy, press agent, The Outlook, "I," traveler, teddy bear manufacturer, lecturer, interview giver, museum collector, "ME," Guildhall orator, dee-lighted, "MYSELF," mooser, hunter, band-wagon driver, band-wagon, Panama canal, rough rider, circus leader, circus, down-with-rafter, and a former retired and retiring president of the United States. When a young man he spent his father's money by going to college, shooting lions, and raising a large family. During the Spanish-American War he employed a troop of rough riders, stormed San Juan Hill, and got into the newspapers. Made up his mind he would stay there. R. became governor of New York State with ambitions. Being a wealthy man, and capable of contributing to the cause of the Republican party, he was elected vice-president of the United States. A hand other than his own made him president. Here his newspaper career really began. R. first opened a three-ring circus in the White House, wore a rough rider hat, and told the country what a great president he was. The voters believed him, and did not object to four years more. During this administration R. successfully advertised himself, the family, started the Panama Canal, and appointed one William Howard Taft (see Poor Bill) his successor. R. then traveled through Africa with a magnificent body guard of photographers and newspaper men. After shooting a museum-full of specimens, he toured Europe and told the king how to king and the emperors how to emp. Returning to the United States he placed his hand in state politics. Fingers were badly burned. When it came time to elect another president, R. was tired of scene shifting and yearned for the bouquets of the audience. He girded up his loins with the robes of sanctity, placed an international Harvester Trust halo over his head, and proclaimed himself a second Moses who was destined to lead the children of America out of the Land of the Frying Pan into that of the Fire. With a mighty army of politicians, who also wanted to get back, R. started his campaign with such a huge band he could not hear any others. The fight was based on telling the voters how easily they had been deceived four years earlier in what he had told them concerning that "molycoddle Taft." R. was elected by the greatest majority in history until the ballots were hatched. Later he joined the ranks of William Jennings Bryan. Publications: The "I" books. Ambition: To get back into Who's Who and Washington. Address: The Outlook. Oyster Bay for newspapermen. Clubs: Founder of the Ananias. Epitaph: Same as Bryan's.

ROTHSCHILDS, the Morgan-Rockefellers of Europe without quite as much money.

ROY, Robert, a very wicked Scotchman whom we all hope will always escape the police.

RUBENS, P. P., an artist who realized styles frequently changed, and therefore painted fat people without their clothes.

RUSSE, Charlotte, a pleasant creature, but one who sometimes caused pain after a visit.

RUSSIA, T. H. E., Czar of, an anti-bomb loving monarch with modern subjects and a tenth-century brain. His childhood was spent in a steel-lined cage, guarded by the army and the fleet. He was crowned in a bomb-proof church by a thoroughly searched clergyman, only the crown, the crowner, and the crowned being present to witness the ceremony. Seldom goes about the country, as he fears the heartfelt expressions of his subjects. In 1908 he became mixed up with Japan. Is now economizing. Ambition: Only life. Recreation: Dissolving Doumas. signing death warrants. Address: Large packages are always opened by the servants. Send letters care St. Petersburg police department. Clubs: Army. Epitaph: It Is A Wonder He Did Not Have This Long Ago.



S

SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera houses in the world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous women. She is still in Who's Who, and probably will remain there until arrested.

SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces and spends his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain. Godfathered by France. Was an impetuous baby. Education: School of experience at Washington. S. was assisted in early life by a number of men who took an interest in him. When thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother, but later became on excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization business. Succeeded. At the age of eighty-four S. suffered from a severe attack of internal indiscretion. Recuperated slowly. Later entered the trust-raising business, and devoted considerable time to politics. In 1897 he spanked a European power, but had to take care of the children after the incident. S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the former, although once in awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long hair, high hat, a suit made out of the flag, smoked cigarettes, had bad manners, and used much slang. Publications: Bank notes. Ambition: Another Republican president. Address: Washington, D. C., U. S. A. Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he deserves it.)

SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a young man he rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain and lift a fat lady. Entered the army. Was successful until he became bald. Committed suicide by pushing a temple on himself.

SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin collector. One of those individuals whom nature has endowed with a magnificent body, and sufficient brains to make money with it.

SANTOS-DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had enough money and sense to quit before people remarked how natural he looked.

SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in closing the cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular with the masses until election day. When the opposition returned they made it hot for him.

SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from obscurity by Mark Twain, and became a good salesman.

SCHLITZ, press agent of Milwaukee, U. S. A., who was successful in advertising himself and his town. In England he is Schwepps.

SCHOPENHAUER, father of race suicide. Lionized by the French Republic and T. R. Ambition: Empty cribs. Recreation: Trips with his wife and children. Clubs: Mother's.

SCOTS, Mary Queen of, a Scotch lady who is said to have been beautiful, who fell in love, and was one of the few women whose less attractive sister got the better of her.

SCOTT, Walter, a Scotchman who secured fame without adopting the national characteristics. His critics claim this was the reason he failed in business. Wrote some books which are read by students and persons possessing much time.

SEBASTIAN, Saint, the Italian who was shot with arrows and ran second to the apostles in the number of his portraits exhibited in European galleries.

SEIDLITZ, powder manufacturer.

SEVILLE, Barber of, a celebrated tonsorial artist who introduced the marcel wave and the Gillette razor into Spain.

SHACKLETON, Ernest, another pole explorer. He was saved the ignominy of reaching the desired point by the shortness of rations, but he was near enough to become a profitable author and lecturer.

SHAKESPEARE, William, the man who was born at Stratford-on-Avon. When a young man he amused himself by poaching, visiting the Hathaway cottage, and being the village pest. Married the inmate of the cottage and went to London, a city in England. S. became an apprentice actor, and was said to have been nearly as bad an actor as his contemporaries. His fame later arose due to his growing popularity. He died. S.'s birthplace is now one of the tourist sights of the world. More post-cards are sent from this town than from any of its size in Europe. The church where he lies buried has an immense floating congregation. S. also shared honors with one Bacon for writing a few plays. Ambition: Present-day prices in Elizabethan theatres. Recreation: Rehearsals. Address: The World. Epitaph: (Has been obliterated.)

SHAMPOO, a barber of Shoo Poo, China, who introduced the art of clean heads into the Celestial Empire. This has since fallen into disrepute in that country, but is sometimes practiced in other lands.

SHAW, G. Bernard, grouch, truth teller. An English writer who made money by being honest enough to tell people what they knew. S.'s enemies claim he would have to work should his theories be put into practice. Believes in socialism and wants everything. Author of considerable sarcasm, wit, and divided opinion as to his talents. Ambition: An Americanless England. Also, sales. Address: Watch bill-boards.

SHEBA, Queen of, an ancient mere woman who matched her brains against the brainiest man who ever lived. She lost.

SHEM, Noah's heir. Was first officer of the Ark.

SHERMAN, General, secured his fame by marching to the sea and giving a terse definition of war.

SHERRY, proprietor of a New York restaurant where a person feels wealthy while at the table and poor afterward.

SHOE, Old Woman of the, one of those anti-race-suicide mothers whose family caused considerable worry. Ambition: A better job for her husband. Address: Shoe. Clubs: She did not have time for any, and thus could not be a suffragette.

SHUSTER, Morgan, an American child who attempted to play the diplomatic game in Persia with grown ups. Was spanked and sent home. Occupation: Crying. Ambition: Ambassador to a country without diplomats. Address: Home.

SHYLOCK. See New York City business directory.

SIMON, Simple, epicurean. Passed an uneventful life with the exception of an encounter with a confectioner near the fair grounds. The man operated his business on a cash basis. Simon was broke and no sale was consummated.

SINBAD, an old tar whose yarns are still on the distaff.

SISTERS, Seven Sutherland, a noted family who held out salvation for the bald and envy to women.

SMITH, John, the bravest man who ever lived. Smith ate the first lobster.

SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the world.

SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed suicide.

SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old Mormon who established a record for wearing wedding clothes. When a child he developed a Boston brain. This grew as the years advanced. At a tender age he began acquiring mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt his acumen. S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building a city and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular songs. His proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one more wife and an end to those quarrels in the harem. Recreations: Picnics with the family. Also was fond of the phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss. Solomon. Epitaph: Here Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All.

SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of wealthy parents. Became tired of home and desired to travel. Visited foreign lands and had a jolly good time. His letter of credit expired. Friends were never at home after the event. S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked home. Father was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular with his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of life. Address: Home.

SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot pigeons between march compositions.

SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race degenerated from monkeys, and established the theory that only the survivors are the fittest.

SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great Britain and the United States, who believed that noble man was incompetent, incomplete, incompatible, incongruent, inconsistent, and an incubus in his incurious incumbency. She was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too Much Money. Early days spent at home. She married and began her career. S.'s first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a speech maker and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see her name in print led to the adoption of strenuous press-agent tactics. She died fighting. Ambition: To offset her husband's vote on election day. Recreation: Parading, windows, bombs, letter boxes, English ministries, and a string of etcs. Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and Hope.)

SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast. Belongs to the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious objection to use of her head, except for decorative purposes. Was not averse to press notices and looked with envy on the achievements of the suffragettes in this direction. Being denied high office in their ranks because of lack of adequate cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all women, except herself, belong at home with their husbands and children. Where they belong in the absence of these, deponent sayeth not. Ambition: Continued parasitic existence. Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on behind. Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas! The World Does Move And She Was "Agin It."

SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the governor of New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of retiring from office in order that he might be considered a progressive. Motto: Be sure your sins will get you out. Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet: Tigers. Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You Will, But The Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still.



T

TAFT, William Howard, a former fat, and last Republican, president of the United States who worshipped the trusts, the Constitution, the Supreme Court, and Theodore Roosevelt. The love he bore the latter resulted in his election. The two brothers quarreled because Bill would not step aside and let Teddy run things all over again. The two brothers fought and another ran away with the election. Principal events during T.'s administration: Roosevelt's trip, The Outlook, Oyster Bay, Standard Oil, That election. Ambition: 1916. Recreation: Golf, messages to Congress. Address: Cincinnati, O. Epitaph: How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth It Is To Have A Thankless Predecessor.

TANGLEFOOT, he was the man who first stuck flies on flypaper.

TANGUWAY, Eva, an actress who did not care even if those on the front row did.

TENNYSON, Lord, an English poet who turned a perpetual light on a charging brigade.

TERRY, Ellen, a dear old lady whom the world wishes the footlights might always shine upon and upon whom the curtain would never descend.

THAW, Harry K., famous lawyer endower. Entered life as the rich son of a wealthy father. Became interested in the stage at an early age, but only got as far as the chorus. Later performed on a New York roof garden. Alienists say he was the sanest crazy man and the craziest sane man who ever lived. Also obtained some publicity by expensive exploring in Canada and New Hampshire. Ambition: Wreaths for Jerome. Recreation: Straightening jackets. Address: See this morning's paper.

THEMISTOCLES, a Greek warrior who fought, but did not run a marathon.

THIRD, Richard the, a king of England who showed how much he thought of the country by offering to exchange it for any kind of a horse.

THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his misfortunes and the curiosity of the world.

TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job.

TIFFANY,(12) of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced high prices into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by fiance's and millionaires. Has gained considerable fame, as his products will pawn on a good margin. Ambition: A man in love.

(12) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement, as the editor is not an actress.

TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to everybody. Very unpopular with the ladies. A great wound and sorrow healer, but unkind to the old. He went about the world changing babies into men and women, and placing gray hair and wrinkles where they were never wanted. Author: Of tears. Recreation: Reaping. Address: Your home. Epitaph: Ad Finem.

TINTORETTO, a Venetian painting manufacturer. Together with P. P. Rubens he held the record for covering canvas and wearing out brushes. Recreation: He never had any.

TITIAN, another painter of Venice. His works have always been popular with the men. They are exhibited in all European galleries, and cause consternation among clergymen and school teachers. T. certainly could paint. Ambition: Models. Recreation: Models.

TOLSTOY, a voice out of the dark.

TOM. (See Richard and Harry.)

TOM, Uncle, an old negro actor who appeared in every city, town, village, and hamlet in the United States north of the Confederate States. His history was written by Mrs. H. B. Stowe, and was the match which kindled the Civil War. The Northerners have since learned that all negroes are not Uncle Toms, and are wondering whether any mistakes were made back in 1861.

TOURISTS, T. H. E., a man and woman who carried a camera, bought post-cards, read Baedekers, visited Cook's office, rode in carriages, and then told their friends all about the trip. Ambition: Just one look at everything. Address: Principally Europe. Epitaph: They Came, They Saw, They Vanished.

TROY, Helen of, a peach of a girl who eloped with a man and caused the longest siege in history to make her elope back again.

TURNER, J. M. W., an English painter whose paint exploded on canvas.

TWAIN, Mark, an American who wore long white hair, made after-dinner speeches, received university degrees, and made people laugh.

TWINS, Siamese, two men who were closer than brothers.

TWIST, Oliver, one of those unfortunates whose history had to be divulged for the financial gain of a great writer and many theatrical mangers.



U

UFFIZI, an Italian who prevented scores of the old masters from starving to death by filling his house in Florence with their canvases. Since the Morgan art raid the market price has advanced and U.'s investment has become profitable.

ULYSSES, warrior, inventor, and traveler. Sprang into fame at the siege of Troy, where he invented the horse which recaptured Helen. Escaped from Polyphemus, a one-eyed giant, by sticking a burning telegraph pole in his eye. Later performed his greatest feat by evading the Sirens. Stayed away from home so much his wife forgot what he looked like. His dog, however, recalled the scent and prevented U. from sleeping in the barn. Press Agent: Homer. Recreation: Travel, wars. Address: Ithaca.

UNDERWOOD, Oscar, known as Underwood Bill. A gentleman from Alabama who walked in a presidential, but ran in a senatorial, race. He had something to do with the high cost of tariffing.

UNKNOWN, the man who painted thousands of pictures in art galleries.



V

VALESQUEZ, Spanish canvas coverer. In the absence of the camera, he was appointed the court oil photographer. Exposed a portrait of Philip IV in every gallery in the world. Art textbooks think a great deal of V.

VANDERBILT, an American family of means who possess a few railroads, much of New York City, some splendid divorces, and a weakness for Newport and newspapers.

VAN DYKE, beard inventor and artist. A Dutchman who invaded England with portraits and his tonsorial achievement.

VAN HOUTEN. He was the man who put cocoa in tin boxes.

VENUS, a dream of a girl who lived long ago, posed for her statue, and had to die after everybody fell in love with her. Was born and painted at sea. Married at an early age. Was a regular heart breaker. V. had an affair with one Adonis, and later with Vulcan. Not much is known of her old-ladyhood, as she refused to pose for statues when advanced in years. Ambition: Parisian gowns, the love of the gods. Recreation: Love. Address: The Louvre, Paris. The Uffizi Gallery, Florence. Clubs: She was too good looking to be a suffragette.

VERSONNESE, Paul, decorator of the Doges Palace, Venice, and contributor to most galleries. His work was nearly as prolific as Reubens, and two or three of his paintings compare favorably with the naughty Titian.

VESPASIAN, the man who built the colosseum in Rome for the tourists.

VESPUCCI, A., an enterprising journalist who arrived on the scene after the discovery had been made. V. wrote the story in such a clever manner he succeeded in cheating the discoverer out of naming the place. (See Columbus.)

VICTOR, he was the man who put the fox terrier in front of the talking machine.

VINCI, Leonardo Da, painted Mona Lisa for the Louvre, Paris. His reputation has soared in proportion to the duration of her absence. Ambition: To be the Morgan family painter. Recreation: Looking for purchasers. Epitaph: He Has Finished His Last Supper.

VIRGIL, an old text-book writer. Had something to do with the AEneid.

VIRGIN, Vestal, an old maid of Rome who was locked up in the forum for protection. She attended the gladiatorial contests and played with her thumbs.

VITUS, Saint, dancing master whose repertoire did not include the turkey trot.

VOLTAIRE, a Frenchman who went around with a bad taste in his mouth.

VULCAN, fireman and tinsmith. Made a number of celebrated forgings. Had a career like the ancients and fell in love with Venus.



W

WAGNER, Dick, a Dutchman who wrote a few sheets of music, went into the opera business, but died before the good singers or Hammerstein prices appeared.

WALKER, Johnnie, 1820. Spent most of his life at your favorite bar until you appeared.

WALTON, Isaac, he was the fellow who started those awful fish stories.

WASHINGTON, George, child model, father, etc. Spent early days chopping trees, holding conversations with his father, killing Indians, and being brave. Later he drove those tea-selling Englishmen from the United States, said farewell to his troops, and became a politician. W. decided he was not good enough for a third term and retired. His picture has been widely distributed. Ambition: To be the happy father of a big Uncle Sam. Recreation: Powdering his wig. Address: Washington. Clubs: Anti-Ananias.

WASHINGTON, Booker T., only a distant relation of the above. A big black man who went about the country raising money to put brains into ivory. He also told his audience how unfortunate they were in not being coons. (See Uncle Tom.)

WATSON, Doctor. He boswelled Sherlock Holmes.

WEBSTER, Dan., an American statesman and a member of Congress before the invention of investigating committees. He died famous.

WEBSTER, Noah, speller, writer, reference-book maker, and language itemizer. W. was the man to whom Mark Twain paid a glowing tribute by saying he was a great writer, but his stories were too short.

WELLINGTON, Duke of, an Englishman who taught a great French general to say "Tout est perdu." He later taught England that many a good soldier makes a poor politician.

WHITEHEAD, of Fiume, Austria. Mission in life was to reduce the size of dreadnaughts.

WHITTINGTON, Richard, proprietor of a celebrated back-fence walker.

WIDOW, Merry, a dream who hung around Mr. Maxim's restaurant in Paris, made love to nobility, toured the world, and finally died. Death was caused by overexertion. Before the war she was engaged to a Balkan prince. W. visited New York, London, and Paris. Everybody fell in love with her and whistled her praises. Past: (?) Press Agent: Frank Lehar. Ambition: Millionaires. Recreation: After 11.45 P. M. Epitaph: When Will There Be Another Like Her?

WIGGS, Mrs., a woman who successfully advertised cabbages.

WILLIAMS. He was the man who ruined the shaving-mug business.

WILSON, Puddin' Head, a young lawyer who was fathered by Mark Twain. No relation to the following.

WILSON, Woodrow, one time president of an American football, educational institution, who outgrew his job. He moved up to be governor, made a few cure-all speeches, introduced Roosevelt to Bryan, changed his address to Washington. Took out a watchful, waiting policy. Is now in Who's Who, but whether he will remain in that publication or this one cannot be determined at the time of going to press. Ambition: To keep Roosevelt and Bryan running. Recreation: Teaching, Browning, other brain exercises, thinking, Congress. Address: Washington, care Joseph Tumulty. Clubs: Pedagogue, Mexican.

WINSLOW, Mrs., known over the world as the lady who soothes the baby's little tummie.

WONDERLAND, Alice of, traveless discoveress. Made a lady of the Royal Geographical Society. She was a great favorite of the children and many grown ups. She always will remain a Who's Whoess.

WOOLSEY, Cardinal, a churchman who combined politics with his profession, became wealthy, unfortunate, and was finally written up by Shakespeare.

WRIGHT, Orville, one of the inventors of the aeroplane who knows the inside of the business, and believes one life on the ground is worth two in the air.



X(13)

(13) Ed. Note: The editor is again compelled to apologize for the X's.

XENOPHON, a Greek who endeavored to introduce morals into his country. He died young.

XYLOPHONES, inventor of the xylophone.



Y

YALE, Eli, founder of the enemy of Harvard and Princeton. Football, pipe, and bulldog fancier.

YORICK, an acquaintance of Hamlet who was recognized even in an emaciated condition.

YOUNG, Brigham, the man who introduced Mohammedanism into the United States and placed Utah on the flag. When a young man he became a strong anti-monogamist. Moved west with his wives. Utah increased in population and was admitted as a state. After building a great temple, dedicated to Hymen, he died, leaving a considerable family and a few widows. Heirs: See Utah census. Ambition: London and New York in Utah. Address: Utah. Clubs: Race Suicide. Epitaph: Like Father, Like Son.



Z

ZANGWELL, Israel, a child of the Ghetto who believed the pen was more profitable than the pack. Ambition: The Promised Utopia. Recreation: Zangwell plays. Address: The Ghetto. Clubs: A. O. H.

ZANY, A., the book reviewer who said Who Was Who was the greatest book ever written.

ZEPPELIN, Ferdinand, manufacturer of wrecked dirigibles, and an aeronaut who knew how to land. Insurance still in vogue. Ambition: The elevation of the German army. Recreation: Aeronautics with the Kaiser. Address: Air. Clubs: Aero.

ZOROASTER. He was the man who introduced fires into warm countries. He also thanks the readers in the name of the Editor for their kind attention.

THE END