The Works of Rudyard Kipling One Volume Edition

by Rudyard Kipling



CONTENTS

VOLUME I DEPARTMENTAL DITTIES AND OTHER VERSES

DEPARTMENTAL DITTIES

Prelude General Summary Army Headquarters Study of an Elevation, in Indian Ink A Legend of the Foreign Office The Story of Uriah The Post that Fitted Public Waste Delilah What Happened Pink Dominoes The Man Who Could Write Municipal A Code of Morals The Last Department

OTHER VERSES Recessional The Vampire To the Unknown Goddess The Rubaiyat of Omar Kal'vin La Nuit Blanche My Rival The Lovers' Litany A Ballad of Burial Divided Destinies The Masque of Plenty The Mare's Nest Possibilities Christmas in India Pagett, M. P. The Song of the Women A Ballad of Jakko Hill The Plea of the Simla Dancers Ballad of Fisher's Boarding-House "As the Bell Clinks" An Old Song Certain Maxims of Hafiz The Grave of the Hundred Head The Moon of Other Days The Overland Mail What the People Said The Undertaker's Horse The Fall of Jock Gillespie Arithmetic on the Frontier One Viceroy Resigns The Betrothed A Tale of Two Cities

VOLUME II BALLADS AND BARRACK-ROOM BALLADS

BALLADS The Ballad of East and West The Last Suttee The Ballad of the King's Mercy The Ballad of the King's Jest The Ballad of Boh Da Thone The Lament of the Border Cattle Thief The Rhyme of the Three Captains The Ballad of the "Clampherdown" The Ballad of the "Bolivar" The English Flag Cleared An Imperial Rescript Tomlinson Danny Deever Tommy Fuzzy-Wuzzv Soldier, Soldier Screw-Guns Gunga Din Oonts Loot "Snarleyow" The Widow at Windsor Belts The Young British Soldier Mandalay Troopin' Ford O' Kabul River Route-Marchin'

VOLUME III THE PHANTOM 'RICKSHAW AND OTHER GHOST STORIES

The Phantom 'Rickshaw My Own True Ghost Story The Strange Ride of Morrowbie Jukes The Man Who Would Be King "The Finest Story in The World"

VOLUME IV UNDER THE DEODARS

The Education of Otis Yeere At the Pit's Mouth A Wayside Comedy The Hill of Illusion A Second-rate Woman Only a Subaltern In the Matter of a Private The Enlightenments of Pagett. M. P.

VOLUME V PLAIN TALES FROM THE HILLS

Lispeth Three And an Extra Thrown Away Miss Youghal's Sais "Yoked With an Unbeliever" False Dawn The Rescue of Pluffles Cupid's Arrows His Chance in Life Watches of The Night The Other Man Consequences The Conversion of Aurellan McGoggin A Germ-destroyer Kidnapped The Arrest of Lieutenant Golightly In The House of Suddhoo His Wedded Wife The Broken-link Handicap Beyond The Pale In Error A Bank Fraud Tods' Amendment In The Pride of His Youth Pig The Rout of The White Hussars The Bronckhorst Divorce-case Venus Annodomini The Bisara of Pooree A Friend's Friend The Gate of The Hundred Sorrows The Story of Muhammad Din On The Strength of a Likeness Wressley of The Foreign Office By Word of Mouth To Be Filed For Reference The Last Relief Bitters Neat Haunted Subalterns

VOLUME VI THE LIGHT THAT FAILED

VOLUME VII THE STORY OF THE GADSBYS

Preface Poor Dear Mamma The World Without The Tents of Kedar With Any Amazement The Garden of Eden Fatima The Valley of the Shadow The Swelling of Jordan

VOLUME VIII from MINE OWN PEOPLE

Bimi Namgay Doola The Recrudescence Of Imray Moti Guj—Mutineer



VOLUME I DEPARTMENTAL DITTIES AND OTHER VERSES

I have eaten your bread and salt, I have drunk your water and wine, The deaths ye died I have watched beside, And the lives that ye led were mine.

Was there aught that I did not share In vigil or toil or ease, One joy or woe that I did not know, Dear hearts across the seas?

I have written the tale of our life For a sheltered people's mirth, In jesting guise—but ye are wise, And ye know what the jest is worth.

GENERAL SUMMARY

We are very slightly changed From the semi-apes who ranged India's prehistoric clay; Whoso drew the longest bow, Ran his brother down, you know, As we run men down today.

"Dowb," the first of all his race, Met the Mammoth face to face On the lake or in the cave, Stole the steadiest canoe, Ate the quarry others slew, Died—and took the finest grave.

When they scratched the reindeer-bone Someone made the sketch his own, Filched it from the artist—then, Even in those early days, Won a simple Viceroy's praise Through the toil of other men.

Ere they hewed the Sphinx's visage Favoritism governed kissage, Even as it does in this age.

Who shall doubt the secret hid Under Cheops' pyramid Was that the contractor did Cheops out of several millions? Or that Joseph's sudden rise To Comptroller of Supplies Was a fraud of monstrous size On King Pharoah's swart Civilians?

Thus, the artless songs I sing Do not deal with anything New or never said before.

As it was in the beginning, Is today official sinning, And shall be forevermore.

ARMY HEADQUARTERS

Old is the song that I sing— Old as my unpaid bills— Old as the chicken that kitmutgars bring Men at dak-bungalows—old as the Hills.

Ahasuerus Jenkins of the "Operatic Own" Was dowered with a tenor voice of super-Santley tone.

His views on equitation were, perhaps, a trifle queer; He had no seat worth mentioning, but oh! he had an ear.

He clubbed his wretched company a dozen times a day, He used to quit his charger in a parabolic way, His method of saluting was the joy of all beholders, But Ahasuerus Jenkins had a head upon his shoulders.

He took two months to Simla when the year was at the spring, And underneath the deodars eternally did sing.

He warbled like a bulbul, but particularly at Cornelia Agrippina who was musical and fat.

She controlled a humble husband, who, in turn, controlled a Dept., Where Cornelia Agrippina's human singing-birds were kept From April to October on a plump retaining fee, Supplied, of course, per mensem, by the Indian Treasury.

Cornelia used to sing with him, and Jenkins used to play; He praised unblushingly her notes, for he was false as they: So when the winds of April turned the budding roses brown, Cornelia told her husband: "Tom, you mustn't send him down."

They haled him from his regiment which didn't much regret him; They found for him an office-stool, and on that stool they set him, To play with maps and catalogues three idle hours a day, And draw his plump retaining fee—which means his double pay.

Now, ever after dinner, when the coffeecups are brought, Ahasuerus waileth o'er the grand pianoforte; And, thanks to fair Cornelia, his fame hath waxen great, And Ahasuerus Jenkins is a power in the State.

STUDY OF AN ELEVATION, IN INDIAN INK

This ditty is a string of lies. But—how the deuce did Gubbins rise?

POTIPHAR GUBBINS, C. E., Stands at the top of the tree; And I muse in my bed on the reasons that led To the hoisting of Potiphar G.

Potiphar Gubbins, C. E., Is seven years junior to Me; Each bridge that he makes he either buckles or breaks, And his work is as rough as he.

Potiphar Gubbins, C. E., Is coarse as a chimpanzee; And I can't understand why you gave him your hand, Lovely Mehitabel Lee.

Potiphar Gubbins, C. E., Is dear to the Powers that Be; For They bow and They smile in an affable style Which is seldom accorded to Me.

Potiphar Gubbins, C. E., Is certain as certain can be Of a highly-paid post which is claimed by a host Of seniors—including Me.

Careless and lazy is he, Greatly inferior to Me.

What is the spell that you manage so well, Commonplace Potiphar G.?

Lovely Mehitabel Lee, Let me inquire of thee, Should I have riz to what Potiphar is, Hadst thou been mated to me?

A LEGEND

This is the reason why Rustum Beg, Rajah of Kolazai, Drinketh the "simpkin" and brandy peg, Maketh the money to fly, Vexeth a Government, tender and kind, Also—but this is a detail—blind.

RUSTUM BEG of Kolazai—slightly backward native state Lusted for a C. S. I.,—so began to sanitate. Built a Jail and Hospital—nearly built a City drain— Till his faithful subjects all thought their Ruler was insane.

Strange departures made he then—yea, Departments stranger still, Half a dozen Englishmen helped the Rajah with a will, Talked of noble aims and high, hinted of a future fine For the state of Kolazai, on a strictly Western line.

Rajah Rustum held his peace; lowered octroi dues a half; Organized a State Police; purified the. Civil Staff; Settled cess and tax afresh in a very liberal way; Cut temptations of the flesh—also cut the Bukhshi's pay;

Roused his Secretariat to a fine Mahratta fury, By a Hookum hinting at supervision of dasturi; Turned the State of Kolazai very nearly upside-down; When the end of May was nigh, waited his achievement crown.

When the Birthday Honors came, Sad to state and sad to see, Stood against the Rajah's name nothing more than C. I. E.! * * * * *

Things were lively for a week in the State of Kolazai. Even now the people speak of that time regretfully.

How he disendowed the Jail—stopped at once the City drain; Turned to beauty fair and frail—got his senses back again; Doubled taxes, cesses, all; cleared away each new-built thana; Turned the two-lakh Hospital into a superb Zenana;

Heaped upon the Bukhshi Sahib wealth and honors manifold; Clad himself in Eastern garb—squeezed his people as of old.

Happy, happy Kolazai! Never more will Rustum Beg Play to catch the Viceroy's eye. He prefers the "simpkin" peg.

THE STORY OF URIAH

"Now there were two men in one city; the one rich and the other poor."

Jack Barrett went to Quetta Because they told him to. He left his wife at Simla On three-fourths his monthly screw: Jack Barrett died at Quetta Ere the next month's pay he drew.

Jack Barrett went to Quetta. He didn't understand The reason of his transfer From the pleasant mountain-land: The season was September, And it killed him out of hand.

Jack Barrett went to Quetta, And there gave up the ghost, Attempting two men's duty In that very healthy post; And Mrs. Barrett mourned for him Five lively months at most.

Jack Barrett's bones at Quetta Enjoy profound repose; But I shouldn't be astonished If now his spirit knows The reason of his transfer From the Himalayan snows.

And, when the Last Great Bugle Call Adown the Hurnal throbs, When the last grim joke is entered In the big black Book of Jobs, And Quetta graveyards give again Their victims to the air, I shouldn't like to be the man Who sent Jack Barrett there.

THE POST THAT FITTED

Though tangled and twisted the course of true love This ditty explains, No tangle's so tangled it cannot improve If the Lover has brains.

Ere the steamer bore him Eastward, Sleary was engaged to marry An attractive girl at Tunbridge, whom he called "my little Carrie."

Sleary's pay was very modest; Sleary was the other way. Who can cook a two-plate dinner on eight poor rupees a day?

Long he pondered o'er the question in his scantly furnished quarters— Then proposed to Minnie Boffkin, eldest of Judge Boffkin's daughters.

Certainly an impecunious Subaltern was not a catch, But the Boffkins knew that Minnie mightn't make another match.

So they recognised the business and, to feed and clothe the bride, Got him made a Something Something somewhere on the Bombay side.

Anyhow, the billet carried pay enough for him to marry— As the artless Sleary put it:—"Just the thing for me and Carrie."

Did he, therefore, jilt Miss Boffkin—impulse of a baser mind? No! He started epileptic fits of an appalling kind.

[Of his modus operandi only this much I could gather:— "Pears's shaving sticks will give you little taste and lots of lather."]

Frequently in public places his affliction used to smite Sleary with distressing vigour—always in the Boffkins' sight.

Ere a week was over Minnie weepingly returned his ring, Told him his "unhappy weakness" stopped all thought of marrying.

Sleary bore the information with a chastened holy joy,— Epileptic fits don't matter in Political employ,— Wired three short words to Carrie—took his ticket, packed his kit— Bade farewell to Minnie Boffkin in one last, long, lingering fit.

Four weeks later, Carrie Sleary read—and laughed until she wept— Mrs. Boffkin's warning letter on the "wretched epilept." . . .

Year by year, in pious patience, vengeful Mrs. Boffkin sits Waiting for the Sleary babies to develop Sleary's fits.

PUBLIC WASTE

Walpole talks of "a man and his price." List to a ditty queer— The sale of a Deputy-Acting-Vice- Resident-Engineer, Bought like a bullock, hoof and hide, By the Little Tin Gods on the Mountain Side.

By the Laws of the Family Circle 'tis written in letters of brass That only a Colonel from Chatham can manage the Railways of State, Because of the gold on his breeks, and the subjects wherein he must pass; Because in all matters that deal not with Railways his knowledge is great.

Now Exeter Battleby Tring had laboured from boyhood to eld On the Lines of the East and the West, and eke of the North and South; Many Lines had he built and surveyed—important the posts which he held; And the Lords of the Iron Horse were dumb when he opened his mouth.

Black as the raven his garb, and his heresies jettier still— Hinting that Railways required lifetimes of study and knowledge— Never clanked sword by his side—Vauban he knew not nor drill— Nor was his name on the list of the men who had passed through the "College."

Wherefore the Little Tin Gods harried their little tin souls, Seeing he came not from Chatham, jingled no spurs at his heels, Knowing that, nevertheless, was he first on the Government rolls For the billet of "Railway Instructor to Little Tin Gods on Wheels."

Letters not seldom they wrote him, "having the honour to state," It would be better for all men if he were laid on the shelf. Much would accrue to his bank-book, an he consented to wait Until the Little Tin Gods built him a berth for himself,

"Special, well paid, and exempt from the Law of the Fifty and Five, Even to Ninety and Nine"—these were the terms of the pact: Thus did the Little Tin Gods (long may Their Highnesses thrive!) Silence his mouth with rupees, keeping their Circle intact;

Appointing a Colonel from Chatham who managed the Bhamo State Line (The which was one mile and one furlong—a guaranteed twenty-inch gauge), So Exeter Battleby Tring consented his claims to resign, And died, on four thousand a month, in the ninetieth year of his age!

DELILAH

We have another viceroy now,—those days are dead and done Of Delilah Aberyswith and depraved Ulysses Gunne.

Delilah Aberyswith was a lady—not too young— With a perfect taste in dresses and a badly-bitted tongue, With a thirst for information, and a greater thirst for praise, And a little house in Simla in the Prehistoric Days.

By reason of her marriage to a gentleman in power, Delilah was acquainted with the gossip of the hour; And many little secrets, of the half-official kind, Were whispered to Delilah, and she bore them all in mind.

She patronized extensively a man, Ulysses Gunne, Whose mode of earning money was a low and shameful one. He wrote for certain papers, which, as everybody knows, Is worse than serving in a shop or scaring off the crows.

He praised her "queenly beauty" first; and, later on, he hinted At the "vastness of her intellect" with compliment unstinted. He went with her a-riding, and his love for her was such That he lent her all his horses and—she galled them very much.

One day, THEY brewed a secret of a fine financial sort; It related to Appointments, to a Man and a Report. 'Twas almost worth the keeping,—only seven people knew it— And Gunne rose up to seek the truth and patiently pursue it.

It was a Viceroy's Secret, but—perhaps the wine was red— Perhaps an Aged Councillor had lost his aged head— Perhaps Delilah's eyes were bright—Delilah's whispers sweet— The Aged Member told her what 'twere treason to repeat.

Ulysses went a-riding, and they talked of love and flowers; Ulysses went a-calling, and he called for several hours; Ulysses went a-waltzing, and Delilah helped him dance— Ulysses let the waltzes go, and waited for his chance.

The summer sun was setting, and the summer air was still, The couple went a-walking in the shade of Summer Hill. The wasteful sunset faded out in Turkish-green and gold, Ulysses pleaded softly, and— that bad Delilah told!

Next morn, a startled Empire learnt the all-important news; Next week, the Aged Councillor was shaking in his shoes. Next month, I met Delilah and she did not show the least Hesitation in affirming that Ulysses was a "beast." * * * * *

We have another Viceroy now, those days are dead and done— Of Delilah Aberyswith and most mean Ulysses Gunne!

WHAT HAPPENED

Hurree Chunder Mookerjee, pride of Bow Bazaar, Owner of a native press, "Barrishter-at-Lar," Waited on the Government with a claim to wear Sabres by the bucketful, rifles by the pair.

Then the Indian Government winked a wicked wink, Said to Chunder Mookerjee: "Stick to pen and ink. They are safer implements, but, if you insist, We will let you carry arms wheresoe'er you list."

Hurree Chunder Mookerjee sought the gunsmith and Bought the tubes of Lancaster, Ballard, Dean, and Bland, Bought a shiny bowie-knife, bought a town-made sword, Jingled like a carriage-horse when he went abroad.

But the Indian Government, always keen to please, Also gave permission to horrid men like these— Yar Mahommed Yusufzai, down to kill or steal, Chimbu Singh from Bikaneer, Tantia the Bhil;

Killar Khan the Marri chief, Jowar Singh the Sikh, Nubbee Baksh Punjabi Jat, Abdul Huq Rafiq— He was a Wahabi; last, little Boh Hla-oo Took advantage of the Act—took a Snider too.

They were unenlightened men, Ballard knew them not. They procured their swords and guns chiefly on the spot; And the lore of centuries, plus a hundred fights, Made them slow to disregard one another's rights.

With a unanimity dear to patriot hearts All those hairy gentlemen out of foreign parts Said: "The good old days are back—let us go to war!" Swaggered down the Grand Trunk Road into Bow Bazaar,

Nubbee Baksh Punjabi Jat found a hide-bound flail; Chimbu Singh from Bikaneer oiled his Tonk jezail; Yar Mahommed Yusufzai spat and grinned with glee As he ground the butcher-knife of the Khyberee.

Jowar Singh the Sikh procured sabre, quoit, and mace, Abdul Huq, Wahabi, jerked his dagger from its place, While amid the jungle-grass danced and grinned and jabbered Little Boh Hla-oo and cleared his dah-blade from the scabbard.

What became of Mookerjee? Soothly, who can say? Yar Mahommed only grins in a nasty way, Jowar Singh is reticent, Chimbu Singh is mute. But the belts of all of them simply bulge with loot.

What became of Ballard's guns? Afghans black and grubby Sell them for their silver weight to the men of Pubbi; And the shiny bowie-knife and the town-made sword are Hanging in a Marri camp just across the Border.

What became of Mookerjee? Ask Mahommed Yar Prodding Siva's sacred bull down the Bow Bazaar. Speak to placid Nubbee Baksh—question land and sea— Ask the Indian Congressmen—only don't ask me!

PINK DOMINOES

They are fools who kiss and tell"— Wisely has the poet sung. Man may hold all sorts of posts If he'll only hold his tongue.

Jenny and Me were engaged, you see, On the eve of the Fancy Ball; So a kiss or two was nothing to you Or any one else at all.

Jenny would go in a domino— Pretty and pink but warm; While I attended, clad in a splendid Austrian uniform.

Now we had arranged, through notes exchanged Early that afternoon, At Number Four to waltz no more, But to sit in the dusk and spoon.

I wish you to see that Jenny and Me Had barely exchanged our troth; So a kiss or two was strictly due By, from, and between us both.

When Three was over, an eager lover, I fled to the gloom outside; And a Domino came out also Whom I took for my future bride.

That is to say, in a casual way, I slipped my arm around her; With a kiss or two (which is nothing to you), And ready to kiss I found her.

She turned her head and the name she said Was certainly not my own; But ere I could speak, with a smothered shriek She fled and left me alone.

Then Jenny came, and I saw with shame She'd doffed her domino; And I had embraced an alien waist— But I did not tell her so.

Next morn I knew that there were two Dominoes pink, and one Had cloaked the spouse of Sir Julian House, Our big Political gun.

Sir J. was old, and her hair was gold, And her eye was a blue cerulean; And the name she said when she turned her head Was not in the least like "Julian."

THE MAN WHO COULD WRITE

Shun—shun the Bowl! That fatal, facile drink Has ruined many geese who dipped their quills in 't; Bribe, murder, marry, but steer clear of Ink Save when you write receipts for paid-up bills in 't.

There may be silver in the "blue-black"—all I know of is the iron and the gall.

Boanerges Blitzen, servant of the Queen, Is a dismal failure—is a Might-have-been. In a luckless moment he discovered men Rise to high position through a ready pen. Boanerges Blitzen argued therefore—"I, With the selfsame weapon, can attain as high." Only he did not possess when he made the trial, Wicked wit of C-lv-n, irony of L—l.

[Men who spar with Government need, to back their blows, Something more than ordinary journalistic prose.]

Never young Civilian's prospects were so bright, Till an Indian paper found that he could write: Never young Civilian's prospects were so dark, When the wretched Blitzen wrote to make his mark. Certainly he scored it, bold, and black, and firm, In that Indian paper—made his seniors squirm, Quoted office scandals, wrote the tactless truth— Was there ever known a more misguided youth? When the Rag he wrote for praised his plucky game, Boanerges Blitzen felt that this was Fame; When the men he wrote of shook their heads and swore, Boanerges Blitzen only wrote the more:

Posed as Young Ithuriel, resolute and grim, Till he found promotion didn't come to him; Till he found that reprimands weekly were his lot, And his many Districts curiously hot.

Till he found his furlough strangely hard to win, Boanerges Blitzen didn't care to pin: Then it seemed to dawn on him something wasn't right— Boanerges Blitzen put it down to "spite";

Languished in a District desolate and dry; Watched the Local Government yearly pass him by; Wondered where the hitch was; called it most unfair. * * * * * * * * *

That was seven years ago—and he still is there!

MUNICIPAL

"Why is my District death-rate low?" Said Binks of Hezabad. "Well, drains, and sewage-outfalls are "My own peculiar fad.

"I learnt a lesson once, It ran "Thus," quoth that most veracious man:—

It was an August evening and, in snowy garments clad, I paid a round of visits in the lines of Hezabad; When, presently, my Waler saw, and did not like at all, A Commissariat elephant careering down the Mall.

I couldn't see the driver, and across my mind it rushed That that Commissariat elephant had suddenly gone musth.

I didn't care to meet him, and I couldn't well get down, So I let the Waler have it, and we headed for the town.

The buggy was a new one and, praise Dykes, it stood the strain, Till the Waler jumped a bullock just above the City Drain; And the next that I remember was a hurricane of squeals, And the creature making toothpicks of my five-foot patent wheels.

He seemed to want the owner, so I fled, distraught with fear, To the Main Drain sewage-outfall while he snorted in my ear— Reached the four-foot drain-head safely and, in darkness and despair, Felt the brute's proboscis fingering my terror-stiffened hair.

Heard it trumpet on my shoulder—tried to crawl a little higher— Found the Main Drain sewage outfall blocked, some eight feet up, with mire; And, for twenty reeking minutes, Sir, my very marrow froze, While the trunk was feeling blindly for a purchase on my toes!

It missed me by a fraction, but my hair was turning grey Before they called the drivers up and dragged the brute away.

Then I sought the City Elders, and my words were very plain. They flushed that four-foot drain-head and—it never choked again!

You may hold with surface-drainage, and the sun-for-garbage cure, Till you've been a periwinkle shrinking coyly up a sewer.

I believe in well-flushed culverts. . . .

This is why the death-rate's small; And, if you don't believe me, get shikarred yourself. That's all.

A CODE OF MORALS

Lest you should think this story true I merely mention I Evolved it lately. 'Tis a most Unmitigated misstatement.

Now Jones had left his new-wed bride to keep his house in order, And hied away to the Hurrum Hills above the Afghan border, To sit on a rock with a heliograph; but ere he left he taught His wife the working of the Code that sets the miles at naught.

And Love had made him very sage, as Nature made her fair; So Cupid and Apollo linked , per heliograph, the pair. At dawn, across the Hurrum Hills, he flashed her counsel wise— At e'en, the dying sunset bore her husband's homilies.

He warned her 'gainst seductive youths in scarlet clad and gold, As much as 'gainst the blandishments paternal of the old; But kept his gravest warnings for (hereby the ditty hangs) That snowy-haired Lothario, Lieutenant-General Bangs.

'Twas General Bangs, with Aide and Staff, who tittupped on the way, When they beheld a heliograph tempestuously at play. They thought of Border risings, and of stations sacked and burnt— So stopped to take the message down—and this is what they learnt—

"Dash dot dot, dot, dot dash, dot dash dot" twice. The General swore.

"Was ever General Officer addressed as 'dear' before? "'My Love,' i' faith! 'My Duck,' Gadzooks! 'My darling popsy-wop!' "Spirit of great Lord Wolseley, who is on that mountaintop?"

The artless Aide-de-camp was mute; the gilded Staff were still, As, dumb with pent-up mirth, they booked that message from the hill; For clear as summer lightning-flare, the husband's warning ran:— "Don't dance or ride with General Bangs—a most immoral man."

[At dawn, across the Hurrum Hills, he flashed her counsel wise— But, howsoever Love be blind, the world at large hath eyes.] With damnatory dot and dash he heliographed his wife Some interesting details of the General's private life.

The artless Aide-de-camp was mute, the shining Staff were still, And red and ever redder grew the General's shaven gill.

And this is what he said at last (his feelings matter not):— "I think we've tapped a private line. Hi! Threes about there! Trot!"

All honour unto Bangs, for ne'er did Jones thereafter know By word or act official who read off that helio.

But the tale is on the Frontier, and from Michni to Mooltan They know the worthy General as "that most immoral man."

THE LAST DEPARTMENT

Twelve hundred million men are spread About this Earth, and I and You Wonder, when You and I are dead, "What will those luckless millions do?"

None whole or clean, " we cry, "or free from stain Of favour." Wait awhile, till we attain The Last Department where nor fraud nor fools, Nor grade nor greed, shall trouble us again.

Fear, Favour, or Affection—what are these To the grim Head who claims our services? I never knew a wife or interest yet Delay that pukka step, miscalled "decease";

When leave, long overdue, none can deny; When idleness of all Eternity Becomes our furlough, and the marigold Our thriftless, bullion-minting Treasury

Transferred to the Eternal Settlement, Each in his strait, wood-scantled office pent, No longer Brown reverses Smith's appeals, Or Jones records his Minute of Dissent.

And One, long since a pillar of the Court, As mud between the beams thereof is wrought; And One who wrote on phosphates for the crops Is subject-matter of his own Report.

These be the glorious ends whereto we pass— Let Him who Is, go call on Him who Was; And He shall see the mallie steals the slab For currie-grinder, and for goats the grass.

A breath of wind, a Border bullet's flight, A draught of water, or a horse's fright— The droning of the fat Sheristadar Ceases, the punkah stops, and falls the night

For you or Me. Do those who live decline The step that offers, or their work resign? Trust me, Today's Most Indispensables, Five hundred men can take your place or mine.

OTHER VERSES

RECESSIONAL (A Victorian Ode)

God of our fathers, known of old— Lord of our far-flung battle line— Beneath whose awful hand we hold Dominion over palm and pine—

Lord God of Hosts, be with us yet, Lest we forget—lest we forget!

The tumult and the shouting dies— The Captains and the Kings depart— Still stands Thine ancient sacrifice, An humble and a contrite heart.

Lord God of Hosts, be with us yet, Lest we forget—lest we forget!

Far-called our navies melt away— On dune and headland sinks the fire— Lo, all our pomp of yesterday Is one with Nineveh and Tyre!

Judge of the Nations, spare us yet, Lest we forget—lest we forget!

If, drunk with sight of power, we loose Wild tongues that have not Thee in awe— Such boastings as the Gentiles use, Or lesser breeds without the Law—

Lord God of Hosts, be with us yet, Lest we forget—lest we forget!

For heathen heart that puts her trust In reeking tube and iron shard— All valiant dust that builds on dust, And guarding calls not Thee to guard.

For frantic boast and foolish word, Thy Mercy on Thy People, Lord! Amen.

THE VAMPIRE

The verses—as suggested by the painting by Philip Burne Jones, first exhibited at the new gallery in London in 1897.

A fool there was and he made his prayer (Even as you and I!) To a rag and a bone and a hank of hair (We called her the woman who did not care), But the fool he called her his lady fair (Even as you and I!)

Oh the years we waste and the tears we waste And the work of our head and hand, Belong to the woman who did not know (And now we know that she never could know) And did not understand.

A fool there was and his goods he spent (Even as you and I!) Honor and faith and a sure intent But a fool must follow his natural bent (And it wasn't the least what the lady meant), (Even as you and I!)

Oh the toil we lost and the spoil we lost And the excellent things we planned, Belong to the woman who didn't know why (And now we know she never knew why) And did not understand.

The fool we stripped to his foolish hide (Even as you and I!) Which she might have seen when she threw him aside— (But it isn't on record the lady tried) So some of him lived but the most of him died— (Even as you and I!)

And it isn't the shame and it isn't the blame That stings like a white hot brand.

It's coming to know that she never knew why (Seeing at last she could never know why) And never could understand.

TO THE UNKNOWN GODDESS

Will you conquer my heart with your beauty; my soul going out from afar? Shall I fall to your hand as a victim of crafty and cautious shikar?

Have I met you and passed you already, unknowing, unthinking and blind? Shall I meet you next session at Simla, O sweetest and best of your kind?

Does the P. and O. bear you to meward, or, clad in short frocks in the West, Are you growing the charms that shall capture and torture the heart in my breast?

Will you stay in the Plains till September—my passion as warm as the day? Will you bring me to book on the Mountains, or where the thermantidotes play?

When the light of your eyes shall make pallid the mean lesser lights I pursue, And the charm of your presence shall lure me from love of the gay "thirteen- two";

When the peg and the pig-skin shall please not; when I buy me Calcutta-build clothes; When I quit the Delight of Wild Asses; forswearing the swearing of oaths ; As a deer to the hand of the hunter when I turn 'mid the gibes of my friends; When the days of my freedom are numbered, and the life of the bachelor ends.

Ah, Goddess! child, spinster, or widow—as of old on Mars Hill whey they raised To the God that they knew not an altar—so I, a young Pagan, have praised The Goddess I know not nor worship; yet, if half that men tell me be true, You will come in the future, and therefore these verses are written to you.

THE RUPAIYAT OF OMAR KAL'VIN

[Allowing for the difference 'twixt prose and rhymed exaggeration, this ought to reproduce the sense of what Sir A— told the nation sometime ago, when the Government struck from our incomes two per cent.]

Now the New Year, reviving last Year's Debt, The Thoughtful Fisher casteth wide his Net; So I with begging Dish and ready Tongue Assail all Men for all that I can get.

Imports indeed are gone with all their Dues— Lo! Salt a Lever that I dare not use, Nor may I ask the Tillers in Bengal— Surely my Kith and Kin will not refuse!

Pay—and I promise by the Dust of Spring, Retrenchment. If my promises can bring Comfort, Ye have Them now a thousandfold— By Allah! I will promise Anything!

Indeed, indeed, Retrenchment oft before I swore—but did I mean it when I swore? And then, and then, We wandered to the Hills, And so the Little Less became Much More.

Whether a Boileaugunge or Babylon, I know not how the wretched Thing is done, The Items of Receipt grow surely small; The Items of Expense mount one by one.

I cannot help it. What have I to do With One and Five, or Four, or Three, or Two? Let Scribes spit Blood and Sulphur as they please, Or Statesmen call me foolish—Heed not you.

Behold, I promise—Anything You will. Behold, I greet you with an empty Till— Ah! Fellow-Sinners, of your Charity Seek not the Reason of the Dearth, but fill.

For if I sinned and fell, where lies the Gain Of Knowledge? Would it ease you of your Pain To know the tangled Threads of Revenue, I ravel deeper in a hopeless Skein?

"Who hath not Prudence"—what was it I said, Of Her who paints her Eyes and tires Her Head, And gibes and mocks the People in the Street, And fawns upon them for Her thriftless Bread?

Accursed is She of Eve's daughters—She Hath cast off Prudence, and Her End shall be Destruction . . . Brethren, of your Bounty Some portion of your daily Bread to Me.

LA NUIT BLANCHE

A much-discerning Public hold The Singer generally sings And prints and sells his past for gold.

Whatever I may here disclaim, The very clever folk I sing to Will most indubitably cling to Their pet delusion, just the same.

I had seen, as the dawn was breaking And I staggered to my rest, Tari Devi softly shaking From the Cart Road to the crest.

I had seen the spurs of Jakko Heave and quiver, swell and sink. Was it Earthquake or tobacco, Day of Doom, or Night of Drink?

In the full, fresh fragrant morning I observed a camel crawl, Laws of gravitation scorning, On the ceiling and the wall; Then I watched a fender walking, And I heard grey leeches sing, And a red-hot monkey talking Did not seem the proper thing.

Then a Creature, skinned and crimson, Ran about the floor and cried, And they said that I had the "jims" on, And they dosed me with bromide, And they locked me in my bedroom— Me and one wee Blood Red Mouse— Though I said: "To give my head room You had best unroof the house."

But my words were all unheeded, Though I told the grave M.D. That the treatment really needed Was a dip in open sea That was lapping just below me, Smooth as silver, white as snow, And it took three men to throw me When I found I could not go.

Half the night I watched the Heavens Fizz like '81 champagne— Fly to sixes and to sevens, Wheel and thunder back again; And when all was peace and order Save one planet nailed askew, Much I wept because my warder Would not let me set it true.

After frenzied hours of waiting, When the Earth and Skies were dumb, Pealed an awful voice dictating An interminable sum, Changing to a tangle story— "What she said you said I said"— Till the Moon arose in glory, And I found her . . . in my head;

Then a Face came, blind and weeping, And It couldn't wipe its eyes, And It muttered I was keeping Back the moonlight from the skies; So I patted it for pity, But it whistled shrill with wrath, And a huge black Devil City Poured its peoples on my path.

So I fled with steps uncertain On a thousand-year long race, But the bellying of the curtain Kept me always in one place; While the tumult rose and maddened To the roar of Earth on fire, Ere it ebbed and sank and saddened To a whisper tense as wire.

In tolerable stillness Rose one little, little star, And it chuckled at my illness, And it mocked me from afar; And its brethren came and eyed me, Called the Universe to aid, Till I lay, with naught to hide me, 'Neath the Scorn of All Things Made.

Dun and saffron, robed and splendid, Broke the solemn, pitying Day, And I knew my pains were ended, And I turned and tried to pray; But my speech was shattered wholly, And I wept as children weep.

Till the dawn-wind, softly, slowly, Brought to burning eyelids sleep.

MY RIVAL

I go to concert, party, ball— What profit is in these? I sit alone against the wall And strive to look at ease.

The incense that is mine by right They burn before her shrine; And that's because I'm seventeen And She is forty-nine.

I cannot check my girlish blush, My color comes and goes; I redden to my finger-tips, And sometimes to my nose.

But She is white where white should be, And red where red should shine. The blush that flies at seventeen Is fixed at forty-nine.

I wish I had Her constant cheek; I wish that I could sing All sorts of funny little songs, Not quite the proper thing.

I'm very gauche and very shy, Her jokes aren't in my line; And, worst of all, I'm seventeen While She is forty-nine.

The young men come, the young men go Each pink and white and neat, She's older than their mothers, but They grovel at Her feet.

They walk beside Her 'rickshaw wheels— None ever walk by mine; And that's because I'm seventeen And She is forty-nine.

She rides with half a dozen men, (She calls them "boys" and "mashers") I trot along the Mall alone; My prettiest frocks and sashes Don't help to fill my programme-card, And vainly I repine From ten to two A.M. Ah me! Would I were forty-nine!

She calls me "darling," "pet," and "dear," And "sweet retiring maid." I'm always at the back, I know, She puts me in the shade.

She introduces me to men, "Cast" lovers, I opine, For sixty takes to seventeen, Nineteen to forty-nine.

But even She must older grow And end Her dancing days, She can't go on forever so At concerts, balls and plays.

One ray of priceless hope I see Before my footsteps shine; Just think, that She'll be eighty-one When I am forty-nine.

THE LOVERS' LITANY

Eyes of grey—a sodden quay, Driving rain and falling tears, As the steamer wears to sea In a parting storm of cheers.

Sing, for Faith and Hope are high— None so true as you and I— Sing the Lovers' Litany: "Love like ours can never die!"

Eyes of black—a throbbing keel, Milky foam to left and right; Whispered converse near the wheel In the brilliant tropic night.

Cross that rules the Southern Sky! Stars that sweep and wheel and fly, Hear the Lovers' Litany: Love like ours can never die!"

Eyes of brown—a dusty plain Split and parched with heat of June, Flying hoof and tightened rein, Hearts that beat the old, old tune.

Side by side the horses fly, Frame we now the old reply Of the Lovers' Litany: "Love like ours can never die!"

Eyes of blue—the Simla Hills Silvered with the moonlight hoar; Pleading of the waltz that thrills, Dies and echoes round Benmore.

"Mabel," "Officers," "Goodbye," Glamour, wine, and witchery— On my soul's sincerity, "Love like ours can never die!"

Maidens of your charity, Pity my most luckless state. Four times Cupid's debtor I— Bankrupt in quadruplicate.

Yet, despite this evil case, And a maiden showed me grace, Four-and-forty times would I Sing the Lovers' Litany: "Love like ours can never die!"

A BALLAD OF BURIAL

("Saint @Proxed's ever was the Church for peace")

If down here I chance to die, Solemnly I beg you take All that is left of "I" To the Hills for old sake's sake, Pack me very thoroughly In the ice that used to slake Pegs I drank when I was dry— This observe for old sake's sake.

To the railway station hie, There a single ticket take For Umballa—goods-train—I Shall not mind delay or shake.

I shall rest contentedly Spite of clamor coolies make; Thus in state and dignity Send me up for old sake's sake.

Next the sleepy Babu wake, Book a Kalka van "for four." Few, I think, will care to make Journeys with me any more As they used to do of yore.

I shall need a "special" break— Thing I never took before— Get me one for old sake's sake.

After that—arrangements make.

No hotel will take me in, And a bullock's back would break 'Neath the teak and leaden skin Tonga ropes are frail and thin, Or, did I a back-seat take, In a tonga I might spin,— Do your best for old sake's sake.

After that—your work is done.

Recollect a Padre must Mourn the dear departed one— Throw the ashes and the dust.

Don't go down at once. I trust You will find excuse to "snake Three days' casual on the bust." Get your fun for old sake's sake.

I could never stand the Plains. Think of blazing June and May Think of those September rains Yearly till the Judgment Day! I should never rest in peace, I should sweat and lie awake.

Rail me then, on my decease, To the Hills for old sake's sake.

DIVIDED DESTINIES

It was an artless Bandar, and he danced upon a pine, And much I wondered how he lived, and where the beast might dine, And many, many other things, till, o'er my morning smoke, I slept the sleep of idleness and dreamt that Bandar spoke.

He said: "O man of many clothes! Sad crawler on the Hills! Observe, I know not Ranken's shop, nor Ranken's monthly bills; I take no heed to trousers or the coats that you call dress; Nor am I plagued with little cards for little drinks at Mess.

"I steal the bunnia's grain at morn, at noon and eventide, (For he is fat and I am spare), I roam the mountain side, I follow no man's carriage, and no, never in my life Have I flirted at Peliti's with another Bandar's wife.

"O man of futile fopperies—unnecessary wraps; I own no ponies in the hills, I drive no tall-wheeled traps; I buy me not twelve-button gloves, 'short-sixes' eke, or rings, Nor do I waste at Hamilton's my wealth on 'pretty things.'

"I quarrel with my wife at home, we never fight abroad; But Mrs. B. has grasped the fact I am her only lord.

I never heard of fever—dumps nor debts depress my soul; And I pity and despise you!" Here he poached my breakfast-roll.

His hide was very mangy, and his face was very red, And ever and anon he scratched with energy his head. His manners were not always nice, but how my spirit cried To be an artless Bandar loose upon the mountain side!

So I answered: "Gentle Bandar, an inscrutable Decree Makes thee a gleesome fleasome Thou, and me a wretched Me. Go! Depart in peace, my brother, to thy home amid the pine; Yet forget not once a mortal wished to change his lot for thine."

THE MASQUE OF PLENTY

Argument.—The Indian Government being minded to discover the economic condition of their lands, sent a Committee to inquire into it; and saw that it was good.

Scene.—The wooded heights of Simla. The Incarnation of the Government of India in the raiment of the Angel of Plenty sings, to pianoforte accompaniment:—

"How sweet is the shepherd's sweet life! From the dawn to the even he strays— And his tongue shall be filled with praise.

(adagio dim.) Filled with praise!"

(largendo con sp.) Now this is the position, Go make an inquisition Into their real condition As swiftly as ye may.

(p) Ay, paint our swarthy billions The richest of vermillions Ere two well-led cotillions Have danced themselves away.

Turkish Patrol, as able and intelligent Investigators wind down the Himalayas:—

What is the state of the Nation? What is its occupation? Hi! get along, get along, get along—lend us the information! (dim.) Census the byle and the yabu—capture a first-class Babu, Set him to file Gazetteers—Gazetteers . . .

(ff) What is the state of the Nation, etc., etc.

Interlude, from Nowhere in Particular, to stringed and Oriental instruments.

Our cattle reel beneath the yoke they bear— The earth is iron and the skies are brass— And faint with fervour of the flaming air The languid hours pass.

The well is dry beneath the village tree— The young wheat withers ere it reach a span, And belts of blinding sand show cruelly Where once the river ran.

Pray, brothers, pray, but to no earthly King— Lift up your hands above the blighted grain, Look westward—if they please, the Gods shall bring Their mercy with the rain.

Look westward—bears the blue no brown cloud-bank? Nay, it is written—wherefore should we fly? On our own field and by our cattle's flank Lie down, lie down to die!

Semi-Chorus

By the plumed heads of Kings Waving high, Where the tall corn springs O'er the dead.

If they rust or rot we die, If they ripen we are fed.

Very mighty is the power of our Kings!

Triumphal return to Simla of the Investigators, attired after the manner of Dionysus, leading a pet tiger-cub in wreaths of rhubarb-leaves, symbolical of India under medical treatment.

They sing:—

We have seen, we have written—behold it, the proof of our manifold toil! In their hosts they assembled and told it—the tale of the Sons of the Soil.

We have said of the Sickness—"Where is it?"—and of Death—"It is far from our ken,"— We have paid a particular visit to the affluent children of men.

We have trodden the mart and the well-curb—we have stooped to the field and the byre; And the King may the forces of Hell curb for the People have all they desire!

Castanets and step-dance:—

Oh, the dom and the mag and the thakur and the thag, And the nat and the brinjaree, And the bunnia and the ryot are as happy and as quiet And as plump as they can be!

Yes, the jain and the jat in his stucco-fronted hut, And the bounding bazugar, By the favour of the King, are as fat as anything, They are—they are—they are!

Recitative, Government of India, with white satin wings and electro-plated harp:—

How beautiful upon the Mountains—in peace reclining, Thus to be assured that our people are unanimously dining.

And though there are places not so blessed as others in natural advantages, which, after all, was only to be expected, Proud and glad are we to congratulate you upon the work you have thus ably effected.

(Cres.) How be-ewtiful upon the Mountains!

Hired Band, brasses only, full chorus:—

God bless the Squire And all his rich relations Who teach us poor people We eat our proper rations— We eat our proper rations, In spite of inundations, Malarial exhalations, And casual starvations, We have, we have, they say we have— We have our proper rations!

Chorus of the Crystallised Facts

Before the beginning of years There came to the rule of the State Men with a pair of shears, Men with an Estimate— Strachey with Muir for leaven, Lytton with locks that fell, Ripon fooling with Heaven, And Temple riding like H—ll! And the bigots took in hand Cess and the falling of rain, And the measure of sifted sand The dealer puts in the grain— Imports by land and sea, To uttermost decimal worth, And registration—free— In the houses of death and of birth.

And fashioned with pens and paper, And fashioned in black and white, With Life for a flickering taper And Death for a blazing light— With the Armed and the Civil Power, That his strength might endure for a span— From Adam's Bridge to Peshawur, The Much Administered Man.

In the towns of the North and the East, They gathered as unto rule, They bade him starve his priest And send his children to school.

Railways and roads they wrought, For the needs of the soil within; A time to squabble in court, A time to bear and to grin.

And gave him peace in his ways, Jails—and Police to fight, Justice—at length of days, And Right—and Might in the Right.

His speech is of mortgaged bedding, On his kine he borrows yet, At his heart is his daughter's wedding, In his eye foreknowledge of debt.

He eats and hath indigestion, He toils and he may not stop; His life is a long-drawn question Between a crop and a crop.

THE MARE'S NEST

Jane Austen Beecher Stowe de Rouse Was good beyond all earthly need; But, on the other hand, her spouse Was very, very bad indeed.

He smoked cigars, called churches slow, And raced—but this she did not know.

For Belial Machiavelli kept The little fact a secret, and, Though o'er his minor sins she wept, Jane Austen did not understand That Lilly—thirteen-two and bay Absorbed one-half her husband's pay.

She was so good, she made him worse; (Some women are like this, I think;) He taught her parrot how to curse, Her Assam monkey how to drink.

He vexed her righteous soul until She went up, and he went down hill.

Then came the crisis, strange to say, Which turned a good wife to a better.

A telegraphic peon, one day, Brought her—now, had it been a letter For Belial Machiavelli, I Know Jane would just have let it lie.

But 'twas a telegram instead, Marked "urgent," and her duty plain To open it. Jane Austen read: "Your Lilly's got a cough again. Can't understand why she is kept At your expense." Jane Austen wept.

It was a misdirected wire. Her husband was at Shaitanpore. She spread her anger, hot as fire, Through six thin foreign sheets or more.

Sent off that letter, wrote another To her solicitor—and mother.

Then Belial Machiavelli saw Her error and, I trust, his own, Wired to the minion of the Law, And traveled wifeward—not alone.

For Lilly—thirteen-two and bay— Came in a horse-box all the way.

There was a scene—a weep or two— With many kisses. Austen Jane Rode Lilly all the season through, And never opened wires again.

She races now with Belial. This Is very sad, but so it is.

POSSIBILITIES

Ay, lay him 'neath the Simla pine— A fortnight fully to be missed, Behold, we lose our fourth at whist, A chair is vacant where we dine.

His place forgets him; other men Have bought his ponies, guns, and traps. His fortune is the Great Perhaps And that cool rest-house down the glen,

Whence he shall hear, as spirits may, Our mundane revel on the height, Shall watch each flashing 'rickshaw-light Sweep on to dinner, dance, and play.

Benmore shall woo him to the ball With lighted rooms and braying band; And he shall hear and understand "Dream Faces" better than us all.

For, think you, as the vapours flee Across Sanjaolie after rain, His soul may climb the hill again To each field of victory.

Unseen, who women held so dear, The strong man's yearning to his kind Shall shake at most the window-blind, Or dull awhile the card-room's cheer.

@In his own place of power unknown, His Light o' Love another's flame, And he an alien and alone!

Yet may he meet with many a friend— Shrewd shadows, lingering long unseen Among us when "God save the Queen" Shows even "extras" have an end.

And, when we leave the heated room, And, when at four the lights expire, The crew shall gather round the fire And mock our laughter in the gloom;

Talk as we talked, and they ere death— Flirt wanly, dance in ghostly-wise, With ghosts of tunes for melodies, And vanish at the morning's breath.

CHRISTMAS IN INDIA

Dim dawn behind the tamarisks—the sky is saffron-yellow— As the women in the village grind the corn, And the parrots seek the riverside, each calling to his fellow That the Day, the staring Easter Day is born.

Oh the white dust on the highway! Oh the stenches in the byway! Oh the clammy fog that hovers o'er the earth; And at Home they're making merry 'neath the white and scarlet berry— What part have India's exiles in their mirth?

Full day behind the tamarisks—the sky is blue and staring— As the cattle crawl afield beneath the yoke, And they bear One o'er the field-path, who is past all hope or caring, To the ghat below the curling wreaths of smoke.

Call on Rama, going slowly, as ye bear a brother lowly— Call on Rama—he may hear, perhaps, your voice! With our hymn-books and our psalters we appeal to other altars, And today we bid "good Christian men rejoice!"

High noon behind the tamarisks—the sun is hot above us— As at Home the Christmas Day is breaking wan. They will drink our healths at dinner—those who tell us how they love us, And forget us till another year be gone!

Oh the toil that knows no breaking! Oh the Heimweh, ceaseless, aching! Oh the black dividing Sea and alien Plain! Youth was cheap—wherefore we sold it. Gold was good—we hoped to hold it, And today we know the fulness of our gain.

Grey dusk behind the tamarisks—the parrots fly together— As the sun is sinking slowly over Home; And his last ray seems to mock us shackled in a lifelong tether. That drags us back howe'er so far we roam.

Hard her service, poor her payment—she is ancient, tattered raiment— India, she the grim Stepmother of our kind. If a year of life be lent her, if her temple's shrine we enter, The door is shut—we may not look behind.

Black night behind the tamarisks—the owls begin their chorus— As the conches from the temple scream and bray. With the fruitless years behind us, and the hopeless years before us, Let us honor, O my brother, Christmas Day!

Call a truce, then, to our labors—let us feast with friends and neighbors, And be merry as the custom of our caste; For if "faint and forced the laughter," and if sadness follow after, We are richer by one mocking Christmas past.

PAGETT, M.P.

The toad beneath the harrow knows Exactly where each tooth-point goes. The butterfly upon the road Preaches contentment to that toad.

Pagett, M.P., was a liar, and a fluent liar therewith— He spoke of the heat of India as the "Asian Solar Myth"; Came on a four months' visit, to "study the East," in November, And I got him to sign an agreement vowing to stay till September.

March came in with the koil. Pagett was cool and gay, Called me a "bloated Brahmin," talked of my "princely pay." March went out with the roses. "Where is your heat?" said he. "Coming," said I to Pagett, "Skittles!" said Pagett, M.P.

April began with the punkah, coolies, and prickly-heat,— Pagett was dear to mosquitoes, sandflies found him a treat. He grew speckled and mumpy—hammered, I grieve to say, Aryan brothers who fanned him, in an illiberal way.

May set in with a dust-storm,—Pagett went down with the sun. All the delights of the season tickled him one by one. Imprimis—ten day's "liver"—due to his drinking beer; Later, a dose of fever—slight, but he called it severe.

Dysent'ry touched him in June, after the Chota Bursat— Lowered his portly person—made him yearn to depart. He didn't call me a "Brahmin," or "bloated," or "overpaid," But seemed to think it a wonder that any one stayed.

July was a trifle unhealthy,—Pagett was ill with fear. 'Called it the "Cholera Morbus," hinted that life was dear. He babbled of "Eastern Exile," and mentioned his home with tears; But I haven't seen my children for close upon seven years.

We reached a hundred and twenty once in the Court at noon, (I've mentioned Pagett was portly) Pagett, went off in a swoon. That was an end to the business; Pagett, the perjured, fled With a practical, working knowledge of "Solar Myths" in his head.

And I laughed as I drove from the station, but the mirth died out on my lips As I thought of the fools like Pagett who write of their "Eastern trips," And the sneers of the traveled idiots who duly misgovern the land, And I prayed to the Lord to deliver another one into my hand.

THE SONG OF THE WOMEN

How shall she know the worship we would do her? The walls are high, and she is very far. How shall the woman's message reach unto her Above the tumult of the packed bazaar? Free wind of March, against the lattice blowing, Bear thou our thanks, lest she depart unknowing.

Go forth across the fields we may not roam in, Go forth beyond the trees that rim the city, To whatsoe'er fair place she hath her home in, Who dowered us with wealth of love and pity. Out of our shadow pass, and seek her singing— "I have no gifts but Love alone for bringing."

Say that we be a feeble folk who greet her, But old in grief, and very wise in tears; Say that we, being desolate, entreat her That she forget us not in after years; For we have seen the light, and it were grievous To dim that dawning if our lady leave us.

By life that ebbed with none to stanch the failing By Love's sad harvest garnered in the spring, When Love in ignorance wept unavailing O'er young buds dead before their blossoming; By all the grey owl watched, the pale moon viewed, In past grim years, declare our gratitude!

By hands uplifted to the Gods that heard not, By fits that found no favor in their sight, By faces bent above the babe that stirred not, By nameless horrors of the stifling night; By ills foredone, by peace her toils discover, Bid Earth be good beneath and Heaven above her!

If she have sent her servants in our pain If she have fought with Death and dulled his sword; If she have given back our sick again. And to the breast the waking lips restored, Is it a little thing that she has wrought? Then Life and Death and Motherhood be nought.

Go forth, O wind, our message on thy wings, And they shall hear thee pass and bid thee speed, In reed-roofed hut, or white-walled home of kings, Who have been helpen by her in their need.

All spring shall give thee fragrance, and the wheat Shall be a tasselled floorcloth to thy feet.

Haste, for our hearts are with thee, take no rest! Loud-voiced ambassador, from sea to sea Proclaim the blessing, manifold, confessed. Of those in darkness by her hand set free.

Then very softly to her presence move, And whisper: "Lady, lo, they know and love!"

A BALLAD OF JAKKO HILL

One moment bid the horses wait, Since tiffin is not laid till three, Below the upward path and straight You climbed a year ago with me.

Love came upon us suddenly And loosed—an idle hour to kill— A headless, armless armory That smote us both on Jakko Hill.

Ah Heaven! we would wait and wait Through Time and to Eternity! Ah Heaven! we could conquer Fate With more than Godlike constancy I cut the date upon a tree— Here stand the clumsy figures still: "10-7-85, A.D." Damp with the mist of Jakko Hill.

What came of high resolve and great, And until Death fidelity! Whose horse is waiting at your gate? Whose 'rickshaw-wheels ride over me? No Saint's, I swear; and—let me see Tonight what names your programme fill— We drift asunder merrily, As drifts the mist on Jakko Hill.

L'ENVOI.

Princess, behold our ancient state Has clean departed; and we see 'Twas Idleness we took for Fate That bound light bonds on you and me.

Amen! Here ends the comedy Where it began in all good will; Since Love and Leave together flee As driven mist on Jakko Hill!

THE PLEA OF THE SIMLA DANCERS

Too late, alas! the song To remedy the wrong;— The rooms are taken from us, swept and garnished for their fate. But these tear-besprinkled pages Shall attest to future ages That we cried against the crime of it— too late, alas! too late!

"What have we ever done to bear this grudge?" Was there no room save only in Benmore For docket, duftar, and for office drudge, That you usurp our smoothest dancing floor? Must babus do their work on polished teak? Are ball-rooms fittest for the ink you spill? Was there no other cheaper house to seek? You might have left them all at Strawberry Hill.

We never harmed you! Innocent our guise, Dainty our shining feet, our voices low; And we revolved to divers melodies, And we were happy but a year ago.

Tonight, the moon that watched our lightsome wiles— That beamed upon us through the deodars— Is wan with gazing on official files, And desecrating desks disgust the stars.

Nay! by the memory of tuneful nights— Nay! by the witchery of flying feet— Nay! by the glamour of foredone delights— By all things merry, musical, and meet— By wine that sparkled, and by sparkling eyes— By wailing waltz—by reckless galop's strain— By dim verandas and by soft replies, Give us our ravished ball-room back again!

Or—hearken to the curse we lay on you! The ghosts of waltzes shall perplex your brain, And murmurs of past merriment pursue Your 'wildered clerks that they indite in vain; And when you count your poor Provincial millions, The only figures that your pen shall frame Shall be the figures of dear, dear cotillions Danced out in tumult long before you came.

Yea! "See Saw" shall upset your estimates, "Dream Faces" shall your heavy heads bemuse, Because your hand, unheeding, desecrates Our temple; fit for higher, worthier use. And all the long verandas, eloquent With echoes of a score of Simla years, Shall plague you with unbidden sentiment— Babbling of kisses, laughter, love, and tears.

So shall you mazed amid old memories stand, So shall you toil, and shall accomplish nought, And ever in your ears a phantom Band Shall blare away the staid official thought.

Wherefore—and ere this awful curse he spoken, Cast out your swarthy sacrilegious train, And give—ere dancing cease and hearts be broken— Give us our ravished ball-room back again!

THE BALLAD OF FISHER'S BOARDING-HOUSE

That night, when through the mooring-chains The wide-eyed corpse rolled free, To blunder down by Garden Reach And rot at Kedgeree, The tale the Hughli told the shoal The lean shoal told to me.

'T was Fultah Fisher's boarding-house, Where sailor-men reside, And there were men of all the ports From Mississip to Clyde, And regally they spat and smoked, And fearsomely they lied.

They lied about the purple Sea That gave them scanty bread, They lied about the Earth beneath, The Heavens overhead, For they had looked too often on Black rum when that was red.

They told their tales of wreck and wrong, Of shame and lust and fraud, They backed their toughest statements with The Brimstone of the Lord, And crackling oaths went to and fro Across the fist-banged board.

And there was Hans the blue-eyed Dane, Bull-throated, bare of arm, Who carried on his hairy chest The maid Ultruda's charm— The little silver crucifix That keeps a man from harm.

And there was Jake Without-the-Ears, And Pamba the Malay, And Carboy Gin the Guinea cook, And Luz from Vigo Bay, And Honest Jack who sold them slops And harvested their pay.

And there was Salem Hardieker, A lean Bostonian he— Russ, German, English, Halfbreed, Finn, Yank, Dane, and Portuguee, At Fultah Fisher's boarding-house They rested from the sea.

Now Anne of Austria shared their drinks, Collinga knew her fame, From Tarnau in Galicia To Juan Bazaar she came, To eat the bread of infamy And take the wage of shame.

She held a dozen men to heel— Rich spoil of war was hers, In hose and gown and ring and chain, From twenty mariners, And, by Port Law, that week, men called her Salem Hardieker's.

But seamen learnt—what landsmen know— That neither gifts nor gain Can hold a winking Light o' Love Or Fancy's flight restrain, When Anne of Austria rolled her eyes On Hans the blue-eyed Dane.

Since Life is strife, and strife means knife, From Howrah to the Bay, And he may die before the dawn Who liquored out the day, In Fultah Fisher's boarding-house We woo while yet we may.

But cold was Hans the blue-eyed Dane, Bull-throated, bare of arm, And laughter shook the chest beneath The maid Ultruda's charm— The little silver crucifix That keeps a man from harm.

"You speak to Salem Hardieker; "You was his girl, I know.

"I ship mineselfs tomorrow, see, "Und round the Skaw we go, "South, down the Cattegat, by Hjelm, "To Besser in Saro."

When love rejected turns to hate, All ill betide the man.

"You speak to Salem Hardieker"— She spoke as woman can. A scream—a sob—"He called me—names!" And then the fray began.

An oath from Salem Hardieker, A shriek upon the stairs, A dance of shadows on the wall, A knife-thrust unawares— And Hans came down, as cattle drop, Across the broken chairs. * * * * * *

In Anne of Austria's trembling hands The weary head fell low:— "I ship mineselfs tomorrow, straight "For Besser in Saro; "Und there Ultruda comes to me "At Easter, und I go—

"South, down the Cattegat—What's here? "There—are—no—lights—to guide!" The mutter ceased, the spirit passed, And Anne of Austria cried In Fultah Fisher's boarding-house When Hans the mighty died.

Thus slew they Hans the blue-eyed Dane, Bull-throated, bare of arm, But Anne of Austria looted first The maid Ultruda's charm— The little silver crucifix That keeps a man from harm.

AS THE BELL CLINKS

As I left the Halls at Lumley, rose the vision of a comely Maid last season worshipped dumbly, watched with fervor from afar; And I wondered idly, blindly, if the maid would greet me kindly.

That was all—the rest was settled by the clinking tonga-bar. Yea, my life and hers were coupled by the tonga coupling-bar.

For my misty meditation, at the second changin'-station, Suffered sudden dislocation, fled before the tuneless jar Of a Wagner obbligato, scherzo, doublehand staccato, Played on either pony's saddle by the clacking tonga-bar—

Played with human speech, I fancied, by the jigging, jolting bar.

"She was sweet," thought I, "last season, but 'twere surely wild unreason Such tiny hope to freeze on as was offered by my Star, When she whispered, something sadly: 'I—we feel your going badly!'" "And you let the chance escape you?" rapped the rattling tonga-bar.

"What a chance and what an idiot!" clicked the vicious tonga-bar.

Heart of man—oh, heart of putty! Had I gone by Kakahutti, On the old Hill-road and rutty, I had 'scaped that fatal car. But his fortune each must bide by, so I watched the milestones slide by, To "You call on Her tomorrow!"—fugue with cymbals by the bar—

"You must call on Her tomorrow!"—post-horn gallop by the bar.

Yet a further stage my goal on—we were whirling down to Solon, With a double lurch and roll on, best foot foremost, ganz und gar— "She was very sweet," I hinted. "If a kiss had been imprinted?"— "'Would ha' saved a world of trouble!" clashed the busy tonga-bar.

"'Been accepted or rejected!" banged and clanged the tonga-bar.

Then a notion wild and daring, 'spite the income tax's paring, And a hasty thought of sharing—less than many incomes are, Made me put a question private, you can guess what I would drive at. "You must work the sum to prove it," clanked the careless tonga-bar.

"Simple Rule of Two will prove it," lilted back the tonga-bar.

It was under Khyraghaut I mused. "Suppose the maid be haughty— (There are lovers rich—and rotty)—wait some wealthy Avatar? Answer monitor untiring, 'twixt the ponies twain perspiring!" "Faint heart never won fair lady," creaked the straining tonga-bar.

"Can I tell you ere you ask Her?" pounded slow the tonga-bar.

Last, the Tara Devi turning showed the lights of Simla burning, Lit my little lazy yearning to a fiercer flame by far.

As below the Mall we jingled, through my very heart it tingled— Did the iterated order of the threshing tonga-bar—

"Try your luck—you can't do better!" twanged the loosened tonga-bar.

AN OLD SONG

So long as 'neath the Kalka hills The tonga-horn shall ring, So long as down the Solon dip The hard-held ponies swing, So long as Tara Devi sees The lights of Simla town, So long as Pleasure calls us up, Or Duty drives us down, If you love me as I love you What pair so happy as we two?

So long as Aces take the King, Or backers take the bet, So long as debt leads men to wed, Or marriage leads to debt, So long as little luncheons, Love, And scandal hold their vogue, While there is sport at Annandale Or whisky at Jutogh, If you love me as I love you What knife can cut our love in two?

So long as down the rocking floor The raving polka spins, So long as Kitchen Lancers spur The maddened violins, So long as through the whirling smoke We hear the oft-told tale— "Twelve hundred in the Lotteries," And Whatshername for sale? If you love me as I love you We'll play the game and win it too.

So long as Lust or Lucre tempt Straight riders from the course, So long as with each drink we pour Black brewage of Remorse, So long as those unloaded guns We keep beside the bed, Blow off, by obvious accident, The lucky owner's head, If you love me as I love you What can Life kill or Death undo?

So long as Death 'twixt dance and dance Chills best and bravest blood, And drops the reckless rider down The rotten, rain-soaked khud, So long as rumours from the North Make loving wives afraid, So long as Burma takes the boy Or typhoid kills the maid, If you love me as I love you What knife can cut our love in two?

By all that lights our daily life Or works our lifelong woe, From Boileaugunge to Simla Downs And those grim glades below, Where, heedless of the flying hoof And clamour overhead, Sleep, with the grey langur for guard Our very scornful Dead, If you love me as I love you All Earth is servant to us two!

By Docket, Billetdoux, and File, By Mountain, Cliff, and Fir, By Fan and Sword and Office-box, By Corset, Plume, and Spur By Riot, Revel, Waltz, and War, By Women, Work, and Bills, By all the life that fizzes in The everlasting Hills, If you love me as I love you What pair so happy as we two?

CERTAIN MAXIMS OF HAFIZ

I. If It be pleasant to look on, stalled in the packed serai, Does not the Young Man try Its temper and pace ere he buy? If She be pleasant to look on, what does the Young Man say? "Lo! She is pleasant to look on, give Her to me today!"

II. Yea, though a Kafir die, to him is remitted Jehannum If he borrowed in life from a native at sixty per cent. per annum.

III. Blister we not for bursati? So when the heart is vexed, The pain of one maiden's refusal is drowned in the pain of the next.

IV. The temper of chums, the love of your wife, and a new piano's tune— Which of the three will you trust at the end of an Indian June?

V. Who are the rulers of Ind—to whom shall we bow the knee? Make your peace with the women, and men will make you L. G.

VI. Does the woodpecker flit round the young ferash? Does grass clothe a new-built wall? Is she under thirty, the woman who holds a boy in her thrall?

VII. If She grow suddenly gracious—reflect. Is it all for thee? The black-buck is stalked through the bullock, and Man through jealousy.

VIII. Seek not for favor of women. So shall you find it indeed. Does not the boar break cover just when you're lighting a weed?

IX. If He play, being young and unskilful, for shekels of silver and gold, Take his money, my son, praising Allah. The kid was ordained to be sold.

X. With a "weed" among men or horses verily this is the best, That you work him in office or dog-cart lightly—but give him no rest.

XI. Pleasant the snaffle of Courtship, improving the manners and carriage; But the colt who is wise will abstain from the terrible thorn-bit of Marriage.

XII. As the thriftless gold of the babul, so is the gold that we spend On a derby Sweep, or our neighbor's wife, or the horse that we buy from a friend.

XIII. The ways of man with a maid be strange, yet simple and tame To the ways of a man with a horse, when selling or racing that same.

XIV. In public Her face turneth to thee, and pleasant Her smile when ye meet. It is ill. The cold rocks of El-Gidar smile thus on the waves at their feet.

In public Her face is averted, with anger. She nameth thy name. It is well. Was there ever a loser content with the loss of the game?

XV. If She have spoken a word, remember thy lips are sealed, And the Brand of the Dog is upon him by whom is the secret revealed.

If She have written a letter, delay not an instant, but burn it. Tear it to pieces, O Fool, and the wind to her mate shall return it!

If there be trouble to Herward, and a lie of the blackest can clear, Lie, while thy lips can move or a man is alive to hear. XVI. My Son, if a maiden deny thee and scufflingly bid thee give o'er, Yet lip meets with lip at the last word—get out! She has been there before. They are pecked on the ear and the chin and the nose who are lacking in lore.

XVII. If we fall in the race, though we win, the hoof-slide is scarred on the course. Though Allah and Earth pardon Sin, remaineth forever Remorse.

XVIII. "By all I am misunderstood!" if the Matron shall say, or the Maid: "Alas! I do not understand," my son, be thou nowise afraid.

In vain in the sight of the Bird is the net of the Fowler displayed.

XIX. My son, if I, Hafiz, the father, take hold of thy knees in my pain, Demanding thy name on stamped paper, one day or one hour—refrain.

Are the links of thy fetters so light that thou cravest another man's chain?

THE GRAVE OF THE HUNDRED HEAD

There's a widow in sleepy Chester Who weeps for her only son; There's a grave on the Pabeng River, A grave that the Burmans shun, And there's Subadar Prag Tewarri Who tells how the work was done.

A Snider squibbed in the jungle, Somebody laughed and fled, And the men of the First Shikaris Picked up their Subaltern dead, With a big blue mark in his forehead And the back blown out of his head.

Subadar Prag Tewarri, Jemadar Hira Lal, Took command of the party, Twenty rifles in all, Marched them down to the river As the day was beginning to fall.

They buried the boy by the river, A blanket over his face— They wept for their dead Lieutenant, The men of an alien race— They made a samadh in his honor, A mark for his resting-place.

For they swore by the Holy Water, They swore by the salt they ate, That the soul of Lieutenant Eshmitt Sahib Should go to his God in state; With fifty file of Burman To open him Heaven's gate.

The men of the First Shikaris Marched till the break of day, Till they came to the rebel village, The village of Pabengmay— A jingal covered the clearing, Calthrops hampered the way.

Subadar Prag Tewarri, Bidding them load with ball, Halted a dozen rifles Under the village wall; Sent out a flanking-party With Jemadar Hira Lal.

The men of the First Shikaris Shouted and smote and slew, Turning the grinning jingal On to the howling crew. The Jemadar's flanking-party Butchered the folk who flew.

Long was the morn of slaughter, Long was the list of slain, Five score heads were taken, Five score heads and twain; And the men of the First Shikaris Went back to their grave again,

Each man bearing a basket Red as his palms that day, Red as the blazing village— The village of Pabengmay, And the "drip-drip-drip" from the baskets Reddened the grass by the way.

They made a pile of their trophies High as a tall man's chin, Head upon head distorted, Set in a sightless grin, Anger and pain and terror Stamped on the smoke-scorched skin.

Subadar Prag Tewarri Put the head of the Boh On the top of the mound of triumph, The head of his son below, With the sword and the peacock-banner That the world might behold and know.

Thus the samadh was perfect, Thus was the lesson plain Of the wrath of the First Shikaris— The price of a white man slain; And the men of the First Shikaris Went back into camp again.

Then a silence came to the river, A hush fell over the shore, And Bohs that were brave departed, And Sniders squibbed no more; For the Burmans said That a kullah's head Must be paid for with heads five score.

There's a widow in sleepy Chester Who weeps for her only son; There's a grave on the Pabeng River, A grave that the Burmans shun, And there's Subadar Prag Tewarri Who tells how the work was done.

THE MOON OF OTHER DAYS

Beneath the deep veranda's shade, When bats begin to fly, I sit me down and watch—alas!— Another evening die.

Blood-red behind the sere ferash She rises through the haze. Sainted Diana! can that be The Moon of Other Days?

Ah! shade of little Kitty Smith, Sweet Saint of Kensington! Say, was it ever thus at Home The Moon of August shone, When arm in arm we wandered long Through Putney's evening haze, And Hammersmith was Heaven beneath The Moon of Other Days?

But Wandle's stream is Sutlej now, And Putney's evening haze The dust that half a hundred kine Before my window raise. Unkempt, unclean, athwart the mist The seething city looms, In place of Putney's golden gorse The sickly babul blooms.

Glare down, old Hecate, through the dust, And bid the pie-dog yell, Draw from the drain its typhoid-germ, From each bazaar its smell; Yea, suck the fever from the tank And sap my strength therewith: Thank Heaven, you show a smiling face To little Kitty Smith!

THE OVERLAND MAIL (Foot-Service to the Hills)

In the name of the Empress of India, make way, O Lords of the Jungle, wherever you roam. The woods are astir at the close of the day— We exiles are waiting for letters from Home. Let the robber retreat—let the tiger turn tail— In the Name of the Empress, the Overland Mail!

With a jingle of bells as the dusk gathers in, He turns to the foot-path that heads up the hill— The bags on his back and a cloth round his chin, And, tucked in his waist-belt, the Post Office bill: "Despatched on this date, as received by the rail, Per runner, two bags of the Overland Mail."

Is the torrent in spate? He must ford it or swim. Has the rain wrecked the road? He must climb by the cliff. Does the tempest cry "Halt"? What are tempests to him? The Service admits not a "but" or and "if." While the breath's in his mouth, he must bear without fail, In the Name of the Empress, the Overland Mail.

From aloe to rose-oak, from rose-oak to fir, From level to upland, from upland to crest, From rice-field to rock-ridge, from rock-ridge to spur, Fly the soft sandalled feet, strains the brawny brown chest. From rail to ravine—to the peak from the vale— Up, up through the night goes the Overland Mail.

There's a speck on the hillside, a dot on the road— A jingle of bells on the foot-path below— There's a scuffle above in the monkey's abode— The world is awake, and the clouds are aglow.

For the great Sun himself must attend to the hail: "In the name of the Empress the Overland Mail!"

WHAT THE PEOPLE SAID June 21st, 1887

By the well, where the bullocks go Silent and blind and slow— By the field where the young corn dies In the face of the sultry skies, They have heard, as the dull Earth hears The voice of the wind of an hour, The sound of the Great Queen's voice: "My God hath given me years, Hath granted dominion and power: And I bid you, O Land, rejoice."

And the ploughman settles the share More deep in the grudging clod; For he saith: "The wheat is my care, And the rest is the will of God.

He sent the Mahratta spear As He sendeth the rain, And the Mlech, in the fated year, Broke the spear in twain.

And was broken in turn. Who knows How our Lords make strife? It is good that the young wheat grows, For the bread is Life."

Then, far and near, as the twilight drew, Hissed up to the scornful dark Great serpents, blazing, of red and blue, That rose and faded, and rose anew.

That the Land might wonder and mark "Today is a day of days," they said, "Make merry, O People, all!" And the Ploughman listened and bowed his head: "Today and tomorrow God's will," he said, As he trimmed the lamps on the wall.

"He sendeth us years that are good, As He sendeth the dearth, He giveth to each man his food, Or Her food to the Earth.

Our Kings and our Queens are afar— On their peoples be peace— God bringeth the rain to the Bar, That our cattle increase."

And the Ploughman settled the share More deep in the sun-dried clod: "Mogul Mahratta, and Mlech from the North, And White Queen over the Seas— God raiseth them up and driveth them forth As the dust of the ploughshare flies in the breeze; But the wheat and the cattle are all my care, And the rest is the will of God."

THE UNDERTAKER'S HORSE

"To-tschin-shu is condemned to death. How can he drink tea with the Executioner?" Japanese Proverb.

The eldest son bestrides him, And the pretty daughter rides him, And I meet him oft o' mornings on the Course; And there kindles in my bosom An emotion chill and gruesome As I canter past the Undertaker's Horse.

Neither shies he nor is restive, But a hideously suggestive Trot, professional and placid, he affects; And the cadence of his hoof-beats To my mind this grim reproof beats:— "Mend your pace, my friend, I'm coming. Who's the next?"

Ah! stud-bred of ill-omen, I have watched the strongest go—men Of pith and might and muscle—at your heels, Down the plantain-bordered highway, (Heaven send it ne'er be my way!) In a lacquered box and jetty upon wheels.

Answer, sombre beast and dreary, Where is Brown, the young, the cheery, Smith, the pride of all his friends and half the Force? You were at that last dread dak We must cover at a walk, Bring them back to me, O Undertaker's Horse!

With your mane unhogged and flowing, And your curious way of going, And that businesslike black crimping of your tail, E'en with Beauty on your back, Sir, Pacing as a lady's hack, Sir, What wonder when I meet you I turn pale?

It may be you wait your time, Beast, Till I write my last bad rhyme, Beast— Quit the sunlight, cut the rhyming, drop the glass— Follow after with the others, Where some dusky heathen smothers Us with marigolds in lieu of English grass.

Or, perchance, in years to follow, I shall watch your plump sides hollow, See Carnifex (gone lame) become a corse— See old age at last o'erpower you, And the Station Pack devour you, I shall chuckle then, O Undertaker's Horse!

But to insult, jibe, and quest, I've Still the hideously suggestive Trot that hammers out the unrelenting text, And I hear it hard behind me In what place soe'er I find me:— "'Sure to catch you sooner or later. Who's the next?"

THE FALL OF JOCK GILLESPIE

This fell when dinner-time was done— 'Twixt the first an' the second rub— That oor mon Jock cam' hame again To his rooms ahist the Club.

An' syne he laughed, an' syne he sang, An' syne we thocht him fou, An' syne he trumped his partner's trick, An' garred his partner rue.

Then up and spake an elder mon, That held the Spade its Ace— "God save the lad! Whence comes the licht "That wimples on his face?"

An' Jock he sniggered, an' Jock he smiled, An' ower the card-brim wunk:— "I'm a' too fresh fra' the stirrup-peg, "May be that I am drunk."

"There's whusky brewed in Galashils "An' L. L. L. forbye; "But never liquor lit the lowe "That keeks fra' oot your eye.

"There's a third o' hair on your dress-coat breast, "Aboon the heart a wee?" "Oh! that is fra' the lang-haired Skye "That slobbers ower me."

"Oh! lang-haired Skyes are lovin' beasts, "An' terrier dogs are fair, "But never yet was terrier born, "Wi' ell-lang gowden hair!

"There's a smirch o' pouther on your breast, "Below the left lappel?" "Oh! that is fra' my auld cigar, "Whenas the stump-end fell."

"Mon Jock, ye smoke the Trichi coarse, "For ye are short o' cash, "An' best Havanas couldna leave "Sae white an' pure an ash.

"This nicht ye stopped a story braid, "An' stopped it wi' a curse. "Last nicht ye told that tale yoursel'— "An' capped it wi' a worse!

"Oh! we're no fou! Oh! we're no fou! "But plainly we can ken "Ye're fallin', fallin' fra the band "O' cantie single men!"

An' it fell when sirris-shaws were sere, An' the nichts were lang and mirk, In braw new breeks, wi' a gowden ring, Oor Jock gaed to the Kirk!

ARITHMETIC ON THE FRONTIER

A great and glorious thing it is To learn, for seven years or so, The Lord knows what of that and this, Ere reckoned fit to face the foe— The flying bullet down the Pass, That whistles clear: "All flesh is grass."

Three hundred pounds per annum spent On making brain and body meeter For all the murderous intent Comprised in "villainous saltpetre!" And after—ask the Yusufzaies What comes of all our 'ologies.

A scrimmage in a Border Station— A canter down some dark defile— Two thousand pounds of education Drops to a ten-rupee jezail— The Crammer's boast, the Squadron's pride, Shot like a rabbit in a ride!

No proposition Euclid wrote, No formulae the text-books know, Will turn the bullet from your coat, Or ward the tulwar's downward blow Strike hard who cares—shoot straight who can— The odds are on the cheaper man.

One sword-knot stolen from the camp Will pay for all the school expenses Of any Kurrum Valley scamp Who knows no word of moods and tenses, But, being blessed with perfect sight, Picks off our messmates left and right.

With home-bred hordes the hillsides teem, The troop-ships bring us one by one, At vast expense of time and steam, To slay Afridis where they run.

The "captives of our bow and spear" Are cheap—alas! as we are dear.

THE BETROTHED

"You must choose between me and your cigar." —BREACH OF PROMISE CASE, CIRCA 1885.

Open the old cigar-box, get me a Cuba stout, For things are running crossways, and Maggie and I are out.

We quarrelled about Havanas—we fought o'er a good cheroot, And I knew she is exacting, and she says I am a brute.

Open the old cigar-box—let me consider a space; In the soft blue veil of the vapour musing on Maggie's face.

Maggie is pretty to look at—Maggie's a loving lass, But the prettiest cheeks must wrinkle, the truest of loves must pass.

There's peace in a Larranaga, there's calm in a Henry Clay; But the best cigar in an hour is finished and thrown away—

Thrown away for another as perfect and ripe and brown— But I could not throw away Maggie for fear o' the talk o' the town!

Maggie, my wife at fifty—grey and dour and old— With never another Maggie to purchase for love or gold!

And the light of Days that have Been the dark of the Days that Are, And Love's torch stinking and stale, like the butt of a dead cigar—

The butt of a dead cigar you are bound to keep in your pocket— With never a new one to light tho' it's charred and black to the socket!

Open the old cigar-box—let me consider a while. Here is a mild Manila—there is a wifely smile.

Which is the better portion—bondage bought with a ring, Or a harem of dusky beauties, fifty tied in a string?

Counsellors cunning and silent—comforters true and tried, And never a one of the fifty to sneer at a rival bride?

Thought in the early morning, solace in time of woes, Peace in the hush of the twilight, balm ere my eyelids close,

This will the fifty give me, asking nought in return, With only a Suttee's passion—to do their duty and burn.

This will the fifty give me. When they are spent and dead, Five times other fifties shall be my servants instead.

The furrows of far-off Java, the isles of the Spanish Main, When they hear my harem is empty will send me my brides again.

I will take no heed to their raiment, nor food for their mouths withal, So long as the gulls are nesting, so long as the showers fall.

I will scent 'em with best vanilla, with tea will I temper their hides, And the Moor and the Mormon shall envy who read of the tale of my brides.

For Maggie has written a letter to give me my choice between The wee little whimpering Love and the great god Nick o' Teen.

And I have been servant of Love for barely a twelvemonth clear, But I have been Priest of Cabanas a matter of seven year;

And the gloom of my bachelor days is flecked with the cheery light Of stumps that I burned to Friendship and Pleasure and Work and Fight.

And I turn my eyes to the future that Maggie and I must prove, But the only light on the marshes is the Will-o'-the-Wisp of Love.

Will it see me safe through my journey or leave me bogged in the mire? Since a puff of tobacco can cloud it, shall I follow the fitful fire?

Open the old cigar-box—let me consider anew— Old friends, and who is Maggie that I should abandon you?

A million surplus Maggies are willing to bear the yoke; And a woman is only a woman, but a good Cigar is a Smoke.

Light me another Cuba—I hold to my first-sworn vows. If Maggie will have no rival, I'll have no Maggie for Spouse!

A TALE OF TWO CITIES

Where the sober-colored cultivator smiles On his byles; Where the cholera, the cyclone, and the crow Come and go; Where the merchant deals in indigo and tea, Hides and ghi; Where the Babu drops inflammatory hints In his prints; Stands a City—Charnock chose it—packed away Near a Bay— By the Sewage rendered fetid, by the sewer Made impure, By the Sunderbunds unwholesome, by the swamp Moist and damp; And the City and the Viceroy, as we see, Don't agree.

Once, two hundred years ago, the trader came Meek and tame.

Where his timid foot first halted, there he stayed, Till mere trade Grew to Empire, and he sent his armies forth South and North Till the country from Peshawur to Ceylon Was his own.

Thus the midday halt of Charnock—more's the pity! Grew a City.

As the fungus sprouts chaotic from its bed, So it spread— Chance-directed, chance-erected, laid and built On the silt— Palace, byre, hovel—poverty and pride— Side by side; And, above the packed and pestilential town, Death looked down.

But the Rulers in that City by the Sea Turned to flee— Fled, with each returning spring-tide from its ills To the Hills.

From the clammy fogs of morning, from the blaze Of old days, From the sickness of the noontide, from the heat, Beat retreat; For the country from Peshawur to Ceylon Was their own.

But the Merchant risked the perils of the Plain For his gain.

Now the resting-place of Charnock, 'neath the palms, Asks an alms, And the burden of its lamentation is, Briefly, this: "Because for certain months, we boil and stew, So should you.

Cast the Viceroy and his Council, to perspire In our fire!" And for answer to the argument, in vain We explain That an amateur Saint Lawrence cannot fry: "All must fry!" That the Merchant risks the perils of the Plain For gain.

Nor can Rulers rule a house that men grow rich in, From its kitchen.

Let the Babu drop inflammatory hints In his prints; And mature—consistent soul—his plan for stealing To Darjeeling: Let the Merchant seek, who makes his silver pile, England's isle; Let the City Charnock pitched on—evil day! Go Her way.

Though the argosies of Asia at Her doors Heap their stores, Though Her enterprise and energy secure Income sure, Though "out-station orders punctually obeyed" Swell Her trade— Still, for rule, administration, and the rest, Simla's best.

The End * * * * * * * *



VOLUME II BALLADS AND BARRACK-ROOM BALLADS

BALLADS

THE BALLAD OF EAST AND WEST

Oh, East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet, Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God's great Judgment Seat; But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth, When two strong men stand face to face, tho' they come from the ends of the earth!

Kamal is out with twenty men to raise the Border-side, And he has lifted the Colonel's mare that is the Colonel's pride: He has lifted her out of the stable-door between the dawn and the day, And turned the calkins upon her feet, and ridden her far away.

Then up and spoke the Colonel's son that led a troop of the Guides: "Is there never a man of all my men can say where Kamal hides?" Then up and spoke Mahommed Khan, the son of the Ressaldar: "If ye know the track of the morning-mist, ye know where his pickets are.

"At dusk he harries the Abazai—at dawn he is into Bonair, But he must go by Fort Bukloh to his own place to fare, So if ye gallop to Fort Bukloh as fast as a bird can fly, By the favour of God ye may cut him off ere he win to the Tongue of Jagai.

"But if he be past the Tongue of Jagai, right swiftly turn ye then, For the length and the breadth of that grisly plain is sown with Kamal's men. There is rock to the left, and rock to the right, and low lean thorn between, And ye may hear a breech-bolt snick where never a man is seen."

The Colonel's son has taken a horse, and a raw rough dun was he, With the mouth of a bell and the heart of Hell and the head of the gallows- tree.

The Colonel's son to the Fort has won, they bid him stay to eat— Who rides at the tail of a Border thief, he sits not long at his meat.

He's up and away from Fort Bukloh as fast as he can fly, Till he was aware of his father's mare in the gut of the Tongue of Jagai, Till he was aware of his father's mare with Kamal upon her back, And when he could spy the white of her eye, he made the pistol crack.

He has fired once, he has fired twice, but the whistling ball went wide. "Ye shoot like a soldier," Kamal said. "Show now if ye can ride."

It's up and over the Tongue of Jagai, as blown dustdevils go, The dun he fled like a stag of ten, but the mare like a barren doe.

The dun he leaned against the bit and slugged his head above, But the red mare played with the snaffle-bars, as a maiden plays with a glove.