Fit the seat of the drawers at the back loose enough to give freedom of motion, but no more.

For the heads, cut hoods like Fig. 3, taking a straight piece of cloth and fitting it with pleats around the face, etc. Make ears of two thicknesses of the cloth, stitched and turned like Fig. 4. Lay a box-pleat at A-B and sew them to the hood at C-D, so that they will stand out and forward. See Fig. 5. Sew this hood to the neck of the suit, so that all goes on together. Bear false faces.



BABY JUMBO—Two medium sized boys form the elephant. Two four-foot sticks are fastened together with twenty-inch crosspieces, thus: Forming a rack which two boys carry on their shoulders. Cut two pieces from gray cambric like Fig. 6 to form the head, having the trunk about a yard long; sew them together and stuff with rags; sew on white pasteboard tusks, large buttons for eyes and big ears cut out of cambric and lined with one thickness of paper. Attach strings at A and tie to the first crosspiece of the rack. Pad the rack with an old comfort sewed fast with cord to hold it in place.



Set the rack on the boy's shoulders, then standing with heads bent forward, the foremost boy supporting the elephant's head with his head and slipping his right hand into the upper part of the trunk so as to swing it. Throw over them a large, dark-colored shawl, reaching to their knees, fasten it together in the back and pin on a tail made of cambric and stuffed. Legs covered with brown burlap.



A CHRISTMAS CAROL OR THE MISER'S YULETIDE DREAM



A CHRISTMAS CAROL OR THE MISER'S YULETIDE DREAM

ADAPTED FROM CHARLES DICKENS' IMMORTAL STORY.

CHARACTERS.

EBENEZER SCROOGE A Middle-aged Merchant "Hard and sharp as flint, from which no steel had ever struck out generous fire."

BOB CRATCHIT Scrooge's Clerk "With the Christmas spirit in his heart."

FRED Scrooge's Nephew "A whole-souled, merry-hearted young married man."

TWO MISSION LASSIES

THE GHOST OF JACOB MARLEY Scrooge's Partner "Dead these seven years."

FIRST SPIRIT (Little Girl) The Ghost of Christmas Past

SECOND SPIRIT The Ghost of Christmas Present

THIRD SPIRIT The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Be

A CHORUS OF YOUNG BOYS Carol Singers

FIRST WAIT The Leader of the Singers

MR. FEZZIWIG A Jolly Old Merchant

MRS. FEZZIWIG One Vast Substantial Smile

EBENEZER Scrooge as a Young Man

DICK His Fellow Clerk

THE OLD FIDDLER

BELLA Scrooge's First and Only Love

MRS. CRATCHIT Bob's Wife

BELINDA, Aged Eighteen } MARTHA, Aged Seventeen } PETER, Aged Fourteen } BOB, Aged Eleven } Bob Cratchit's Family BETTY, Aged Nine } TINY TIM, Aged Four }

Five Ladies, Five Gentlemen and a Little Boy for the Fezziwig Tableau

STAVE I.

SCENE: The counting house of SCROOGE and MARLEY. A dark, dreary office, indicated by brown curtains at sides, with entrances R. and L. and brown curtains at rear. Note: These rear curtains must be arranged to be parted, showing the tableau stage back of the real stage. The tableau stage is elevated a few feet above the real stage (this makes a better picture but is not absolutely necessary). High desk at R. facing the R. wall. Tall stool at this desk; ledger, quill pen, ink, candle on this desk. Small, old desk down L., facing audience. Desk chair back of this desk. Two common wooden chairs at R.C. and L.C. Ledger, quill pen, books, candle stuck in an old dark bottle, on desk down L.

Full description of costumes, a detailed illustration of the stage setting, etc., will be found at the end of the play.

Before the curtain rises WAITS are heard singing off L. Curtain rises disclosing BOB CRATCHIT seated on stool, bent over ledger at desk R., working by the light of the candle.

WAITS (outside, sing "Christmas Carol").

(CRATCHIT turns and listens.)

Enter SCROOGE from R. in a towering passion. Slams door R. CRATCHIT hurriedly returns to his work. SCROOGE crosses to door L. and flings it open angrily.

CHRISTMAS CAROL.

J.M. NEALE. THOMAS HELMORE.

[Music illustration:

1. Christ was born on Christ-mas day, Wreathe the hol-ly, twine the bay, Light and life and joy is He, The Babe, the Son, the Ho-ly One of Ma-ry.

2. He is born to set us free; He is born our Lord to be; Car-ol, Chris-tians, joy-ful-ly; The God, the Lord, by all a-dored for-ev-er.

3. Let the bright red ber-ries glow Ev-'ry-where in good-ly show, Light and life and joy is He, The Babe, the Son, the Ho-ly One of Ma-ry.

Christian men, re-joice and sing; 'Tis the birth-day of our King.

Car-ol, Christians, joy-ful-ly; The God, the Lord, By all a-dored For-ev-er. Night of sadness, Morn of glad-ness Ev-er-more: Ev-er, Ev-er, Aft-er man-y troub-les sore, Morn of glad-ness ev-er-more, and ev-er-more.

Mid-night scarce-ly passed and o-ver, Draw-ing to the ho-ly morn; Ver-y ear-ly, Ver-y ear-ly, Christ was born. Sing out with bliss, His name is this: Em-man-u-el! As 'twas fore-told, In days of old, By Ga-bri-el.]

SCROOGE (flinging open door L. at this point). Get away from my door. Begone, ye beggars! I've nothing for you.

FIRST WAIT (sticking his head in door at L.). Only a shillin', sir, for a merry Christmas, yer honor.

SCROOGE. Get away from there or I'll call the police.

FIRST WAIT. Only a shillin', sir.

SCROOGE. Not a penny. I have other places to put my money. Go on, now. You don't get a cent. Not a penny!

FIRST WAIT. All right, sir. Merry Christmas, just the same, sir. (Exits L.)

SCROOGE (comes down to his desk at L., muttering). Howling idiots! Give 'em a shilling, hey? I'd like to give 'em six months in the work'us, that I would. Paupers! I'd show 'em what a merry Christmas is. (CRATCHIT gets down from stool and starts to slink out L.) Hey!

CRATCHIT (pauses, turns to SCROOGE). Yes, sir.

SCROOGE. Where you goin'?

CRATCHIT. I was just goin' to get a few coals, sir. Just to warm us up a bit, sir.

SCROOGE. You let my coals alone. Get back to work. I'm not complaining about the cold, am I? And I'm an older man than you are. Back to work!

CRATCHIT (sighs, pauses, then says meekly). Yes, sir. (Resumes work.)

SCROOGE. You want to let my coals alone if you expect to keep your job. I'm not a millionaire. Understand? (Loudly.) Understand?

CRATCHIT. Yes, sir, I understand. (Shivers, wraps long white woolen muffler closer about throat and warms hands at candle.)

SCROOGE. Here it is three o'clock, the middle of the afternoon, and two candles burning. What more do you want? Want me to end up in the poorhouse?

FRED (heard outside at L.). Uncle! Uncle! Where are you? Merry Christmas, uncle.

FRED enters from L. He is happy and bright and has a cheerful, loud laugh. He enters laughing and comes down C.

SCROOGE (looking up from his work). Oh, it's you, is it?

FRED. Of course it is, uncle. Merry Christmas! God save you!

SCROOGE (with disgust). Merry Christmas! Bah! Humbug!

FRED. Christmas a humbug, uncle? You don't mean that, I'm sure.

SCROOGE. I don't, hey? Merry Christmas! What cause have you got to be merry? You're poor enough.

FRED (laughing good-naturedly). Come, then, what right have you got to be dismal? You're rich enough. So, merry Christmas, uncle.

SCROOGE. Out upon your merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer? You keep Christmas in your own way and let me keep it in mine.

FRED. Keep it? But you don't keep it!

SCROOGE. Let me leave it alone, then. Much good may it do you! Much good has it ever done you!

FRED. Christmas is a good time, uncle; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them in the social scale. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it, God bless Christmas!

CRATCHIT (who had been listening eagerly, claps his hands). Good!

SCROOGE. Let me hear another sound from you and you'll keep your Christmas by losing your job. Get to work!

CRATCHIT. Yes, sir. (Resumes his work on the ledger.)

SCROOGE (to FRED). You're quite a powerful speaker, sir. I wonder you don't go into Parliament.

FRED. Don't be angry, uncle. Come, dine with us tomorrow.

SCROOGE. Dine with you? Me? I'll see you hanged first. Dine with you? I'll see you in—

CRATCHIT (sneezes violently).

SCROOGE. What's the matter with you? (Turns to FRED.) I'm a busy man. Good afternoon.

FRED. Come, uncle; say "Yes."

SCROOGE. No.

FRED. But why? Why?

SCROOGE (savagely). Why did you get married?

FRED. Because I fell in love.

SCROOGE. Bah! (Resumes his work.) Good afternoon.

FRED. I want nothing from you. I ask nothing from you. But why can't we be friends?

SCROOGE. Good afternoon.

FRED. Uncle I won't part in anger. My dear mother was your only sister—your only relation. For her sake let us be friends.

SCROOGE (savagely). Good afternoon.

FRED. I'll still keep the Christmas spirit, uncle. A merry Christmas to you.

SCROOGE (busy at ledger). Bah!

FRED. And a happy New Year.

SCROOGE. Good afternoon!

FRED (goes to CRATCHIT). And a merry Christmas to you, Bob Cratchit.

CRATCHIT (getting down from stool, shaking hands with FRED warmly). Merry Christmas, sir. God bless it!

FRED. Ay, God bless it! And a happy New Year.

CRATCHIT. And a happy New Year, too! God bless that, too!

FRED. Ay, Bob, God bless that, too. (Exit L.)

SCROOGE. Cratchit, get to work!

CRATCHIT. Yes, sir. (Resumes work.)

SCROOGE (looks at him). Humph! Fifteen shillings a week and a wife and six children, and he talks about a merry Christmas. Humph! (Works on ledger.)

Enter from L. TWO MISSION LASSIES. They come down C.

FIRST LASS. Scrooge and Marley's, I believe? Have I the pleasure of addressing Mr. Scrooge or Mr. Marley?

SCROOGE. Mr. Marley has been dead these seven years. He died seven years ago this very night.

FIRST LASS. We have no doubt his liberality is represented by his surviving partner. (Shows subscription paper.)

SCROOGE. Liberality? Humph! (Returns paper to her.)

SECOND LASS. At this festive season of the year, Mr. Scrooge, we are trying to make some slight provision for the poor and destitute, who are suffering greatly. Hundreds of thousands are in want of common comforts, sir.

SCROOGE. Are there no prisons?

SECOND LASS (sighs). Plenty of prisons, sir.

SCROOGE. And the workhouses—are they still in operation?

FIRST LASS. They are, sir; but they scarcely furnish Christmas cheer for mind and body. We are trying to raise a fund to buy the poor some meat and drink and means of warmth.

SECOND LASS. We chose this time because it is a time when want is keenly felt and abundance rejoices. What shall we put you down for?

SCROOGE. Nothing.

FIRST LASS. You wish to be anonymous?

SCROOGE. I wish to be left alone. I don't make merry myself at Christmas, I don't believe in it. And I can't afford to make idle people merry. They should go to the poorhouse.

SECOND LASS. Many of them would rather die, sir, than do that.

SCROOGE (savagely). If they would rather die, they'd better do it and decrease the population. And besides, I am a very busy man.

FIRST LASS. But, sir—

SCROOGE. Good afternoon.

FIRST LASS. I'm sorry, sir. Sorry—

SCROOGE. Sorry for them?

FIRST LASS. No, sir, I'm sorry for you, sir. Good afternoon. (Exits L. followed by SECOND LASS.)

SCROOGE. Sorry for me, hey? (Pause. He works. The clock strikes five.) Sorry for me!

CRATCHIT (closes his book, blows out candle). Is there anything more, sir? (Comes to C.)

SCROOGE. You'll want all day off tomorrow, I suppose?

CRATCHIT. If it's quite convenient, sir.

SCROOGE. Well, it isn't—and it's not fair. If I'd dock you a half a crown for it you'd think I was ill using you, wouldn't you?

CRATCHIT (nervously). I don't know, sir.

SCROOGE. And yet you expect me to pay a full day's wages for no work.

CRATCHIT. It only comes once a year, sir. Only once a year.

SCROOGE. A poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every twenty-fifth of December! But I suppose you've got to have the whole day. But you be here all the earlier next morning.

CRATCHIT. Oh, yes, indeed, sir. (Goes out R.)

SCROOGE. I'll stay here a bit and finish up the work.

Enter CRATCHIT from R. with hat. He turns up his coat collar, wraps the long white woolen muffler around chin and pulls hat down over his face.

CRATCHIT (crosses to door L.). I'm going, sir.

SCROOGE. All right.

CRATCHIT (shields face with arm as though he were afraid Scrooge might throw something at him). Merry Christmas, sir! (Runs out L.)

SCROOGE. Bah! Humbug! (He works at ledger. Finally drops his head on his arms and sleeps. The light of his candle goes out. Note: Scrooge might blow it out unseen by audience.)

The stage is now in darkness. A musical bell tolls off L. After a pause another bell tolls off R. The clinking of chains is heard. When the stage is completely darkened the GHOST OF MARLEY slips in and sits at R. He is entirely covered with black, face and all, as he slips in, so as to be quite invisible.

Mysterious music. Sudden clap of thunder heard. An auto light from the wings at R. is thrown on the GHOST'S face. This light should be green. The thunder dies away. Clanking of chains heard.

GHOST (groans).

SCROOGE (starts up, looks at Ghost, pauses). How now! What do you want with me?

GHOST. Much.

SCROOGE. Who are you?

GHOST. Ask me who I was.

SCROOGE. Well, who were you, then?

GHOST. In life I was your partner, Jacob Marley. It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death.

SCROOGE. You are fettered. Tell me why.

GHOST. I wear the chain I forged in life. I made it link by link, yard by yard, the heavy chain of avarice. Now I must make amends for the opportunities I neglected in life.

SCROOGE. But you were always a good man of business, Jacob.

GHOST. Business? Mankind should have been my business. Kind actions, charity, mercy, benevolence, love—all should have been my business. I am here tonight to warn you, to warn you, Ebenezer Scrooge, that you have yet a chance of escaping my fate.

SCROOGE. You were always a good friend to me.

GHOST. You will be haunted by Three Spirits.

SCROOGE. If it's all the same to you, I think I'd rather not.

GHOST. Without their visits, you cannot hope to escape my fate. Expect the first when the bell tolls one.

SCROOGE. Couldn't I take it all at once and have it over, Jacob?

GHOST. Remember my warning, heed the message and you may yet be saved. My time is over. (Chains rattle.) Farewell, farewell, farewell! (Loud crash of thunder. Light is quenched and GHOST exits unseen by audience.)

Pause. The bell tolls one. Enter SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PAST from R. She comes down R. Strong white light on her from R.

SCROOGE (trembling). Are you the Spirit whose coming was foretold to me?

FIRST SPIRIT. I am.

SCROOGE. Who and what are you?

FIRST SPIRIT. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.

SCROOGE. Long past?

FIRST SPIRIT. No, your past.

SCROOGE. Why have you come here to me?

FIRST SPIRIT. For your own welfare. I must teach you the first lesson of consideration.

SCROOGE. But I am considerate.

FIRST SPIRIT. Are you a kind master to your clerk?

SCROOGE. Well, I'm not unkind.

FIRST SPIRIT. Do you remember your own first master? One Fezziwig by name?

SCROOGE. Indeed, I do. Bless his dear, old heart. He was the kindest master that ever lived.

FIRST SPIRIT. Then why haven't you followed his good example? Would any of your clerks say that you were the kindest master that ever lived?

SCROOGE. Well, times have changed, that's it—it's all the fault of the times.

FIRST SPIRIT. It's all the fault of a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous old sinner! Hard and sharp as flint, from which no steel has ever struck out a generous fire. No wind that blows is more bitter than he, no falling snow is more intent upon its purpose, no pelting rain less open to entreaty. And his name is Ebenezer Scrooge.

SCROOGE. All I ask is to edge my way along the crowded path of life. I want to be left alone. That's all—left alone.

FIRST SPIRIT. I have come to save you, Ebenezer Scrooge. I have come to kindle into life the stone that once was your heart. First I will show you the kind heart and generosity of your old time master. Behold the warehouse of Fezziwig and Company.

(Rear curtains are drawn apart, revealing a workshop, with desk down R. facing front. Barrel up L. Sign on rear wall reads, "Fezziwig and Company." Two young men, EBENEZER and DICK, discovered happily working at desk. Fezziwig stands up L. looking off L. WAITS are heard singing off L. at rear.)

WAITS (sing, music page 169).

Christ was born on Christmas Day, Wreathe the holly, twine the bay, Light and Life and Joy is He, The Babe, the Son, The Holy One Of Mary.

FEZZIWIG (flinging them a handful of coins). That's right, my lads. Sing away. Merry Christmas to you.

WAITS (outside). Thank ye, sir. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Thank ye, sir. (They sing and the song dies away in the distance.)

SCROOGE (down R. with FIRST SPIRIT). Why, it's old Fezziwig. Bless his dear, old heart. It's Fezziwig alive again.

FEZZIWIG (comes merrily down C.). Yo ho, my boys! No more work for tonight. Christmas Eve, Dick! (Throws his arms over the shoulders of the two boys.) Christmas Eve, Ebenezer! God bless Christmas.

DICK. Ay, ay, sir.

EBENEZER. Ay, ay; God bless Christmas.

FIRST SPIRIT. Did you hear that, Scrooge? That is yourself—and you said God bless Christmas.

SCROOGE. That's true. That was thirty years ago.

FEZZIWIG (bustling about). The missis and the girls are down stairs, so let's clear away before you can say Jack Robinson. (They push desk back, and decorate rear stage with strings of Christmas greens, FEZZIWIG talking all the time.) Yo ho! That's right, Dick. String the Christmas greens. Here you are, Ebenezer. We're going to have the merriest time in all the kingdom. (Dancing a step or two.) I'll show ye how to enjoy life. That's it. Now we're all ready. (Sings.) "Wreathe the holly, twine the bay!" Let's have lots of room. Clear away, Dick. Here comes the fiddler now.

Enter OLD FIDDLER. He sits on barrel at rear and starts to "tune up."

OLD FIDDLER. Merry Christmas, sir.

FEZZIWIG. The same to you, granfer, and many of 'em.

Enter MRS. FEZZIWIG from L.

MRS. FEZZIWIG. Lawsy, lawsy, I thought we'd be late. (Goes to the two boys and puts her arms over their shoulders.) And how's my merry boys tonight?

DICK. Finer'n a fiddle.

EBENEZER. Merry Christmas, Mrs. Fezziwig.

MRS. FEZZIWIG. The same to you, dear lads.

FEZZIWIG. Where's the girls, mother?

MRS. FEZZIWIG. Here they come, Flora, Felicity and little Fanny May.

Enter the THREE FEZZIWIG girls with their escorts. Everybody bustles around shaking hands, wishing each other "Merry Christmas."

FEZZIWIG. And here's the housemaid and her cousin the baker. (They enter and are greeted by all.) The cook and the milkman, and the lonesome little boy from over the way! And Ebenezer's young lady, Miss Bella. (They enter and are merrily greeted.) And now, mother, what do you say to a rollicking game of Puss in the Corner.

(They play Puss in the Corner with much loud laughter, clapping hands, running about, etc. The FIDDLER plays.)

MRS. FEZZIWIG. Oh, I never was so happy in all my life. This is the real spirit of Christmas.

FEZZIWIG (hangs up a bit of mistletoe). And here's the mistletoe.

(They form a ring and play a ring game with much noise and confusion.)

EBENEZER (catching MRS. FEZZIWIG under the mistletoe). I've got ye! (Kisses her.)

MRS. FEZZIWIG. God bless the boy!

EBENEZER. And God bless the merry Christmas!

FEZZIWIG. And now a dance, my hearties. Yo ho! For the old time Christmas dance.

(They dance a few figures of Sir Roger de Coverly or the Virginia Reel. All are dancing wildly, swinging, etc., with plenty of loud laughter, clapping of hands, etc., as the rear curtains are drawn. Note: Use brilliant lights from R. and L. upon the rear stage.)

FIRST SPIRIT. What a small matter to make these silly folks so full of gratitude and happiness.

SCROOGE (astonished). Small? It was the happiest time in my life.

FIRST SPIRIT. And yet your master only spent a few pounds of your mortal money. Three or four, perhaps. And yet he kindled the true spirit of Christmas in all your hearts.

SCROOGE. He could have made us miserable, but he made every day we worked for him seem like Christmas.

FIRST SPIRIT (gazes steadily at Scrooge, who becomes uneasy under the look). What's the matter now?

SCROOGE (trying to appear unconcerned, but failing). Oh, nothing!

FIRST SPIRIT (gazing at him). Something, I think.

SCROOGE. No, nothing; only this, I wish I could say a word or two to my clerk just now. That's all. Poor fellow. I'm afraid I've been a little hard on him. Poor Bob Cratchit!

FIRST SPIRIT. My work is thriving, but my time grows short. Quick, I have another picture for you.

Soft music. The curtains part, showing the scene as before, but only EBENEZER and BELLA are discovered. Soft music plays all through this scene.

BELLA. It matters little to you, very little. Another idol has displaced me, that's all. If it can comfort you and cheer you in time to come, as I would have tried to do, I have no just cause to grieve.

EBENEZER (irritated). What idol has displaced you in my heart?

BELLA. An idol of gold.

EBENEZER. Well, I must make money. You know that. Poverty is the hardest thing in the world.

BELLA. I have seen your nobler instincts fall off one by one. Now nothing remains in your heart but the love of gold. Therefore, I am releasing you from your engagement. (Offers ring.)

EBENEZER. Have I ever sought release?

BELLA. In words, no; but in everything else, yes. I am penniless. If you married me, you would probably regret it. So I release you with a heart full of love for the noble man you once were.

EBENEZER. But, Bella—

BELLA. You will soon forget me. Your time and your mind will be full of business, seeking after gold. The idol of gold has driven love from your heart, but may you be happy and contented in the life you have chosen. (Rear curtains are drawn.)

FIRST SPIRIT. And are you happy and content in the life you have chosen, Ebenezer Scrooge?

SCROOGE. No, a thousand times—no. I threw away her love, the one pure thing in my life, for gold. And now I'm alone, alone. (Sinks at desk and sobs.)

FIRST SPIRIT. I have shown shadows of times that are passed. Have you learned a lesson from the Spirit of Christmas Past?

SCROOGE. I have, I have; a bitter, bitter lesson.

FIRST SPIRIT. And will you see more?

SCROOGE. No, no. Show me no more. Torture me no longer.

FIRST SPIRIT. Remember the lesson you have learned. Remember the kindness of your old master. Remember the love of your old sweetheart. Your life is barren and bitter, but there is yet time for repentance. (Bell tolls twice.) The signal! My hour is past. On the stroke of six my brother, the Spirit of the Christmas Present, will visit you. Remember! Repent! Believe! Farewell, farewell, farewell!

FRONT CURTAIN SLOWLY FALLS.

STAVE II.

Same scene as Stave I. Lights half up, but candles are not burning. Rear curtains closed. SCROOGE is discovered asleep at his desk. The SPIRIT of CHRISTMAS PRESENT sits at R., a red light shining on him. He carries a torch in which a red light burns. The bells toll six times. SCROOGE suddenly awakens and gazes at SECOND SPIRIT.

SECOND SPIRIT. Arise, arise, Ebenezer Scrooge, and learn to know me better.

SCROOGE (frightened). I don't believe I ever met you before.

SECOND SPIRIT. Probably not. I am the Spirit of Christmas. The Ghost of Christmas Present.

SCROOGE. The Ghost of Christmas Present?

SECOND SPIRIT. I am a brother of the little Spirit of Christmas Past who visited you before.

SCROOGE. And are you going to show me all my past misdeeds?

SECOND SPIRIT. Not me. I am going to show you your present misdeeds. It is my mission to show you the love and comradeship of Christmas of today. I travel among the common people. My torch is their benediction. If there is a slight quarrel or any misunderstandings on Christmas Day, I simply throw on them the light of my torch. And then they say it is a shame to quarrel on Christmas Day—the Day of Peace and Love. And so it is! God bless it! God bless Christmas Day!

SCROOGE. And what do you intend to show me?

SECOND SPIRIT. I intend to show you the House of Happiness.

SCROOGE. Is it a wonderful palace of gold?

SECOND SPIRIT. It is a humble little kitchen. In fact, the kitchen of your poor clerk, Bob Cratchit. Bob, with his fifteen shillings a week—with his wife and six children—with his shabby clothes and his humble, shabby manners—Bob, with his little four-roomed house, and his struggle to keep the wolf from the door. The Ghost of the Christmas Present blesses his abode. Behold!

Bright, cheerful music. SCROOGE and SECOND SPIRIT cross to R. The rear curtains open, showing the interior of the Cratchit kitchen. Everything neat, but showing extreme poverty. Fireplace C. rear. Kettle boiling on crane. Table down L.C. with red cloth and lighted lamp. Cupboard up R. Old chairs around stage. Several pots of bright flowers in evidence. A bird in a cage is singing over the mantel. PETER discovered watching the potatoes boiling in the kettle at the fireplace. Enter MRS. CRATCHIT and BELINDA from L.

MRS. CRATCHIT. Hurry, Belinda; we must set the table right away. How's the taters, Peter?

PETER (peeks in the kettle). Boiling, mammy, boiling.

MRS. CRATCHIT. Here, carry the lamp over there.

BELINDA. Yes, ma'am. (Puts lamp on cupboard.)

MRS. CRATCHIT. And now where's the white table cloth?

BELINDA (getting it from cupboard). Here it is, mammy. (They place castor, plates, knives, etc., on table during the following scene.)

MRS. CRATCHIT. Whatever has got your precious father, I wonder? He and Tiny Tim's been at the church these three hours.

Enter BOB and BETTY from R. They run down and kiss MRS. CRATCHIT.

BOB. Oh, mumsy, we saw the goose, we did. We peeked in through the bakery window and we saw the goose, we did.

BETTY. And we smelled him, too. And we went inside, we did. And the baker asked us what was wantin'. And Bob said he wanted to know which goose was the Cratchit goose.

BOB. And he pointed to the very biggest one, mumsy. Didn't he, Betty?

BETTY. And it was all nice and browny on top. And he said it 'ud be ready in 'bout twenty minutes. Didn't he, Bob?

BOB. And it was the best looking goose I ever saw, it was. It just made me hungry to see him and to smell him baking.

BETTY. And it had sage and onion stuffing, mumsy, didn't it, Bob?

MRS. CRATCHIT. I'm sure there never was such a goose before, and I'm sure there never will be such a goose again. How's the 'taters, Peter?

PETER (looks in kettle). Boilin', mammy, boilin'.

BOB. Oh, Peter's got on pa's shirt collar, he has. Peter's got on pa's shirt collar.

PETER. If I didn't have to mind these 'taters, I'd show you!

MRS. CRATCHIT. I can't think what's keeping your father, and your brother Tiny Tim. And Martha wasn't as late last Christmas Day by half an hour.

Enter MARTHA from R.

MARTHA. Here's Martha, mumsy.

BOB (dragging her down to Mrs. Cratchit). Here's Martha, mumsy.

BETTY. Oh, Martha, there's such a goose! Isn't there, Bob?

MRS. CRATCHIT (hugging and kissing MARTHA). Why, bless your heart alive, my dear, how late you are! (Takes off her bonnet and shawl.)

MARTHA. We'd a deal of work to finish up last night. I was on my feet all day. Oh, why won't people learn to do their Christmas shopping early. If they'd only stop to give a moment's thought to the poor clerks.

MRS. CRATCHIT. There, there, my dear, sit ye down. Here's the big chair, Martha. (BOB has been sitting in the big chair at R., but MRS. CRATCHIT simply turns it forward, letting BOB slip to the floor, and seats MARTHA therein.) Well, never mind, as long as you're home at last, Martha. Draw your chair up to the fire and have a warm. God bless you. How's the 'taters, Pete?

PETER (looking in kettle). Boilin', mammy, boilin'.

MARTHA (sitting in front of the fire). Oh, mumsy, ain't this Heavenly? Be it ever so humble there's no place like home.

BETTY (at door R.). Father's coming, father's coming.

BOB. Hide yourself, Martha. Here, here. (Pulls her to L.)

BETTY (helping her). Hurry up. Hide, hide! (Exit MARTHA at L.)

Bright music. Enter CRATCHIT carrying TINY TIM on his shoulder. TINY TIM carries a little crutch.

CRATCHIT (down C.). Why, where's our Martha?

MRS. CRATCHIT (down L.). Not coming.

CRATCHIT. Not coming? Not coming—on Christmas Day?

MARTHA (rushing in from L.). No, father, it's only a joke. Here I am, father, here I am. (Rushes into his arms.)

BETTY (taking Tiny Tim). Come on, Tiny Tim, out to the wash-house. We've got something to show you, we have. Ain't we, Bob?

BOB. You bet we have, Tiny Tim. Come and hear the Christmas pudding singing in the wash boiler. Come on! (Exit BOB, followed by BETTY and TINY TIM, at L.)

MRS. CRATCHIT (taking Cratchit's hat and muffler and hanging them up). And how did Tiny Tim behave in the church, father?

CRATCHIT. As good as gold and better. Somehow he gets thoughtful, sitting by himself so much, and thinks the strangest things you ever heard. (Sits at L. surrounded by all.) He told me, coming home, that he hoped the people saw him in the church, because he was a cripple, and it might be pleasant to them to remember upon Christmas Day, who it was who made lame beggars walk and blind men see. (Trembling voice.) Little Tim is growing stronger and more hearty every day.

Enter TINY TIM from L.

TIM. I heard the pudding singing a song in the wash boiler, I did.

MRS. CRATCHIT. Everything is ready. Bob, you and Betty run across the street to the baker's and fetch the goose.

BOB. Come on, Betty. (Runs out R. with BETTY.)

MRS. CRATCHIT. I've got the gravy to heat, right away. Peter, mash the potatoes. Belinda, sweeten up the apple sauce! Martha, the hot plates! (All bustle around, setting table. CRATCHIT with TIM, on his knee, sit before the fire.)

BELINDA. We haven't got enough chairs, mumsy.

CRATCHIT. This young shaver can sit on my knee.

MRS. CRATCHIT. Peter, set up the chairs.

Enter BOB and BETTY from R. bearing a roast goose in a baking pan.

BOB. Here it is, mumsy.

BETTY. Here's the goose. (MRS. CRATCHIT puts it on plate on table.)

BELINDA. What a wonderful goose.

MARTHA. And how big it is! (All take seats.)

BOB. And don't it smell good!

BETTY. Hurray for the Christmas goose.

TIM. Hurray! (CRATCHIT makes signal, all bend heads for a silent grace.)

CRATCHIT (after pronounced pause). And God bless Christmas Day.

TIM. God bless us all, every one. (CRATCHIT and MRS. CRATCHIT serve the meal. All eat.)

CRATCHIT. I've got a situation in my eye for Master Peter.

PETER. A situation for me?

CRATCHIT. Yes, sir, for you. Full five-and-sixpence weekly.

ALL. Oh, Peter!

BOB. Peter will be a man of business, won't you, Peter?

PETER. What'll I do with all that money?

CRATCHIT. Invest it, invest it, my lad. It's a bewildering income.

MARTHA. Who do you think was in the shop yesterday? You'll never guess. A countess and a real lord.

ALL. Martha!

MARTHA. A real, live lord, as fine as silk and just about as tall as Peter here.

PETER (pulls his collar up high and tosses his head). As big as me? (WAITS outside sing two verses of Christmas Carol, as before.)

CRATCHIT (goes to door). Here's a sixpence for you, and God bless you all.

WAITS (outside). Thankee, sir. Merry Christmas, sir.

BELINDA. And now the pudding.

BETTY. Oh, suppose it should break in turning it out.

MARTHA. Or suppose it isn't done enough.

BOB. Suppose somebody should have got over the wall of the backyard and stolen it while we were in here eating the goose.

MRS. CRATCHIT. Nonsense. I'll get the Christmas pudding. (Exits.)

BOB (very much excited). Oh, I can smell it, I can. I smell the pudding.

Enter MRS. CRATCHIT bearing dish of pudding, decked with holly, and blazing.

CRATCHIT. Oh, it's a wonder, mother, it's a wonder.

BETTY. It looks like a little speckled cannon-ball.

BOB. But just wait till you taste it; that's all. (It is served.)

CRATCHIT (rises). I have a toast. Mr. Scrooge! I'll give you Mr. Scrooge, the founder of the feast.

MRS. CRATCHIT (indignantly). The founder of the feast indeed! I wish I had him here. I'd give him a piece of my mind to feast upon, and I hope he'd have a good appetite for it.

CRATCHIT (remonstrating gently). My dear, the children! Christmas Day.

MRS. CRATCHIT. He's an odious, stingy, hard, unfeeling man. You know he is, Robert. Nobody knows it better than you do.

CRATCHIT (mildly). My dear, Christmas Day!

MRS. CRATCHIT. Then I'll drink his health, for your sake and the Day's, not for his. Long life to him! A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! He'll be very merry and happy, I've no doubt.

CRATCHIT. And now a Merry Christmas to us all, my dears. God bless us.

ALL (rising). A very Merry Christmas.

TIM. And God bless us every one!

(The tableau curtains are slowly drawn.)

SCROOGE. Spirit, tell me if Tiny Tim will live.

SECOND SPIRIT. I see a vacant seat in the poor chimney-corner, and a little crutch without an owner. If these shadows remained unaltered by the future, the child will die.

SCROOGE. No, no, kind Spirit! Say he will be spared.

SECOND SPIRIT. If he be like to die, he had better do it, and decrease the surplus population. Your very words, Scrooge. Decrease the surplus population. (SCROOGE hangs his head in shame.) Man, if man you be in heart, forbear that wicked cant. Will you decide what men shall live, and what men shall die? It may be that in the sight of Heaven you are more worthless and less fit to live than millions like this poor man's child.

SCROOGE. Forgive me, forgive me.

SECOND SPIRIT. You have seen the spirit of Christmas bless this poor dwelling. They were not a handsome family, they were not well dressed; their clothes were scanty and their shoes far from being water-proof—but they were happy, grateful, pleased with one another, and contented with the Christmas time. They are my children. Have you learned your lesson? (Chimes ring.) My hour is spent.

SCROOGE. I have learned the lesson, Spirit of Christmas. I have seen happiness, in spite of poverty. A happiness that all my gold cannot buy. I have seen the Christmas spirit. Forgive me that I ever dared to utter a word against Christmas. Forgive me! Forgive me! (The chimes continue ringing, the SPIRIT glides out. SCROOGE kneels in prayer, muttering, "Forgive me! Forgive me!")

CURTAIN.

STAVE III.

Same scene as before, the rear curtains drawn together. SCROOGE is discovered seated at his desk, his head buried in his hands. The THIRD SPIRIT stands at C. with green, ghastly light on him from R. This is the only light on the stage. The bells toll six.

SCROOGE (awakens). I am in the presence of the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.

THIRD SPIRIT (inclines head).

SCROOGE. You are going to show me the shadows of things that are to happen in the future?

THIRD SPIRIT (inclines head).

SCROOGE. I fear you more than any I have yet seen. But I know you are working for my welfare, so I will see your visions with a thankful heart. Will you not speak to me?

THIRD SPIRIT (points downward with R. hand).

SCROOGE. No word for me. Well, have you anything to show me?

THIRD SPIRIT (points to rear stage. The curtains part. Rear stage is draped in white sheets, with bare trees at R. and L. A grave with carved headstone is at C. Blue lights on this scene. Snow falls. Bells heard tolling in the distance.)

SCROOGE. A churchyard!

THIRD SPIRIT (goes to rear stage, points to tombstone.)

SCROOGE. Before I draw nearer to that stone to which you point, answer me one question. Are these the shadows of the things that Will be, or are they the shadows of things that May be, only?

THIRD SPIRIT (points to stone).

SCROOGE (creeps tremblingly toward it, moving very slowly, bends over, reads the name, screams). Ebenezer Scrooge! My tombstone, my grave! No, Spirit, no, no! (Rushes to desk, sinks in chair.) I am not the man I was. I am not past all hope. I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. Save me, save me!

(The rear curtains are slowly closed)

SCROOGE (rising). I will keep Christmas in the past, the present and the future. The spirits of all three shall strive within me. Heaven be praised for this Christmas warning. (Laughing.) I don't know what to do. I'm as light as a feather, I'm as happy as an angel, I'm as merry as a schoolboy. A Merry Christmas to everybody. A happy New Year to all the world. Hip, hurrah!

(Christmas chimes heard outside. Waits singing in the distance.)

WAITS (singing louder, music, page 169):

Christ was born on Christmas Day, Wreathe the holly, twine the bay, Light and Life and Joy is He, The Babe, the Son, The Holy One Of Mary.

SCROOGE (rushes to the door). Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. God bless ye! (Flings them a handful of coins.)

FIRST WAIT. Thankee, sir.

SCROOGE (grabs him and brings him down C.). What day is this, my merry lad?

WAIT. Hey?

SCROOGE. What day is this my lad?

WAIT (loudly). Today! Why, Christmas Day!

SCROOGE. Do you know the grocer's in the next street?

WAIT. I should hope I did.

SCROOGE. Do you know whether they've sold the prize turkey that was hanging up there? Not the little prize turkey, the big prize turkey?

WAIT. What, the one as big as me?

SCROOGE. Yes, my buck.

WAIT. It's hanging there now.

SCROOGE. Is it? Go and buy it.

WAIT. Aw, go on!

SCROOGE. No, no; I'm in earnest. Go and buy it and tell 'em to bring it here, that I may tell 'em where to take it. Come back with the man, and I'll give you a shilling. Come back with him in less than five minutes, and I'll give you half-a-crown.

WAIT. Watch me. (Rushes out.)

SCROOGE. What a fine little fellow. See him run. I'll send the turkey to Bob Cratchit's. He shan't know who sends it. It's twice the size of Tiny Tim. He should be here by now.

Enter CRATCHIT from R.

CRATCHIT. Morning, sir. (Takes off cap and muffler, goes to desk, starts to work.)

SCROOGE (at desk). What do you mean by coming here at this time of day?

CRATCHIT. I'm very sorry, sir. Very, very sorry.

SCROOGE. Sorry? (Sarcastically.) Yes, you are! Come here! Come here at once! Understand!

CRATCHIT (comes to Scrooge's desk). If you please, sir—

SCROOGE. I'm not going to stand this sort of thing any longer. And therefore (rises, dances toward CRATCHIT, digs him in ribs), and therefore I am about to raise your salary.

CRATCHIT. Heavens! The master has gone plumb crazy.

SCROOGE. I'm going to help you and your family. I'm going to be a Godfather to all of 'em. The two girls and Master Peter, Bob, Betty and to dear Tiny Tim. Home to your family, now. Home to them, Bob Cratchit—and merry Christmas to you and yours. God bless you.

Enter FRED from R.

FRED. Here I am again, uncle. Merry Christmas.

SCROOGE (rushes to him and shakes his hands heartily). And the same to you, my lad, and many of 'em. I'm going to eat Christmas dinner with you this day. I'm going to honor Christmas in my heart, and keep it every day in the year. I will live in the past, the present and the future. The spirits of all three shall strive within me. (Stands C., FRED on his R., CRATCHIT on his L. He takes their hands.) Merry Christmas, boys, and God bless us!

FRED and CRATCHIT. The same to you, sir. God bless us.

(Rear curtains are drawn back, showing the Cratchit family at the table. TINY TIM stands on table.)

TIM. God bless us everyone!

(All unite in singing Christmas Carol to—)

SLOW CURTAIN.

THE SCENERY.



TABLEAUX ON REAR STAGE.

No. 1. A room. Barrel up L. for fiddler. Desk at R. Sign on wall "Fezziwig and Company." Garlands of green.

No. 2. Ebenezer and Bella. Same scene as No. 1.

No. 3. Cratchit's kitchen. Table at C. and home-made fireplace at rear C. are the only essentials, with a few stools or chairs. Fireplace made of a few boards covered with red paper marked like bricks with white chalk or paint.

No. 4. White sheets hang at back and sides. Two small evergreen trees nailed in position, white cotton hanging from them. Grave at C. covered with snow. Wooden headstone painted white and small footstone. The headstone may be in the form of a cross or a slab.

COSTUMES.

SCROOGE—Should be played by a thin man of middle age, if possible. Gray hair. Shabby dark suit. Face lined. No jewelry or colors. If desired to costume the play in the middle Victorian period, Scrooge should wear very tight dark trousers, brown low cut vest, shabby black full-dress coat, soft white shirt, black stock tie, high collar made by taking an ordinary turn-over collar and turning it up.

BOB CRATCHIT—Very shabby dark suit. Long white woolen muffler. Old cap. Suit should be the same style as that worn by Scrooge, but much shabbier. Clothing neatly patched. He wears a sprig of mistletoe or holly in Staves 1 and 2.

FRED—Bright, cheerful young man of 22. Overcoat and top hat. Ruffled shirt, stock tie and collar as for Scrooge.

MISSION LASSIES—Dark skirts, capes, blue poke bonnets with red ribbon across front.

THE GHOST OF JACOB MARLEY—Long black robe. Black hood. Chains around waist, with toy money banks on chains. Take a skeleton false face and with gray and black and white grease paint make up your own face like a false face. Or if desired, wear the false face. Speak in low monotone.

FIRST SPIRIT—A little girl of 10. Long light hair. White Grecian draperies trimmed with tinsel. Crown of tinsel.

SECOND SPIRIT—Man dressed in a red robe, trimmed with sprigs of green pine. White cotton border to represent snow. Cap of white cotton.

THIRD SPIRIT—Use same costume and make-up as Marley's Ghost.

WAITS—White smocks, ragged trousers. Felt hats twined with red and green ribbon. Carry branches of holly.

MR. FEZZIWIG—Low shoes with pasteboard buckles covered with tinfoil. Short black trousers. White stockings. Fancy colonial coat and hat. White colonial wig. A short, stout man of middle age. Always laughing, moving around, etc.

MRS. FEZZIWIG—Middle-aged lady in gay colonial tuck-up dress. White colonial wig.

EBENEZER and DICK—Two young men in colonial costume. No wigs.

THE FIDDLER—White wig and whiskers. Long white smock. Hat trimmed with ribbons.

BELLA—Neat colonial costume of pink and white. Hair in curls.

THE CRATCHIT FAMILY—Old-fashioned costumes, faded and worn, but bright with cheap lace and gay ribbons. Peter wears a large white collar.



HER CHRISTMAS HAT



HER CHRISTMAS HAT

A FARCE IN ONE ACT.

CHARACTERS.

WARREN WILLIAMS A Young Architect KITTY His Wife MISS MINERVA MOCKRIDGE From Kankakee MAGINNIS GOOGIN The Janitor of the Apartment MRS. HONORIA GOOGIN His Wife EDDIE The Elevator Boy MRS. LAURA LACEY Kitty's Chum HOGAN A Policeman HARD TIMES ANNIE A Beggar

* * * * *

TIME OF PLAYING—About Forty-five Minutes.

* * * * *

SCENE: Living room in an apartment house. Furnishings as desired. Several Christmas wreaths adorn the room. KITTY is discovered comfortably seated down L. reading a fashion magazine. The door bell at R. rings.

KITTY. Come in.

Enter EDDIE, the colored elevator boy. He carries several Christmas packages.

EDDIE. Yas'm, I'm in.

KITTY. Eddie!

EDDIE. Yas'm, it's me. I 'clare I's loaded up like a reg'lar old Santa Claus. (Laughs loudly.) Yas'm, I sure am.

KITTY. Anything for us, Eddie?

EDDIE. Two packages for you and one for Mr. Williams. Santa Claus is sure liberal to you-all.

KITTY (taking the three packages). Thank you, Eddie.

EDDIE (briskly). I don't usually bring up de mail, Mis' Williams, but this is Christmas Day and mos' everybody is anxious to git all dat's comin' to 'em. I knows I is.

KITTY. Have you had a merry Christmas, Eddie?

EDDIE. No'm, not yet. All I got is a yaller and green striped necktie from (insert local name). He's been wearin' it for more'n a year.

KITTY (has opened smaller package). Oh, it's from Rannie Stewart. (Takes off tissue paper, disclosing a small bit of white embroidery tied with a huge pink bow.) Mercy! Another pin-cushion cover. That makes six I have already. Cost about twenty cents, and I sent her a perfectly lovely doily embroidered with scarlet forget-me-nots. I'll never send Rannie Stewart another present as long as I live. (Throws box and wrappings into waste basket.) Pink! And she knows my rooms are in blue and yellow. Eddie!

EDDIE. Yas'm.

KITTY. Here's a little Christmas present for you. (Hands it to him.)

EDDIE (reads card on it). "Merry Christmas to my Darling Kittens." Is dat for me?

KITTY. Oh, no; not the card, just the embroidery.

EDDIE (holding it up). Lawdy, Mis' Williams, what is dis yere? A dust cap?

KITTY. It's a cover for a pin-cushion. Isn't it a dear?

EDDIE. I hopes you'll excuse me, but honest I hain't got no more use for dat thing dan a pussy cat has for a hot water bottle.

KITTY (opening larger package). Throw it in the waste basket, Eddie. This is from Warren. I know the handwriting. It looks like a hat. (Opens box and removes wrappings, disclosing a hideous red and orange hat.) Heavens, what a nightmare! Red and orange and a style four years old. It must have come from the five and ten cent store. Look at the plume! Oh!

EDDIE (admiring it). Um-um, dat shore am a fine present. Your husband certainly am a man ob taste, he shore am.

KITTY (sarcastically). Yes, he has wonderful taste, hasn't he? A little bizarre. No, it's more than bizarre; it's baroque.

EDDIE. It looks like a hat to me.

KITTY. I know what I'll do. (Wraps it up and puts it back in box.)

EDDIE. Dat certainly was a nice present, Mis' Williams. Must have cost a heap of money.

KITTY. It probably did. But it isn't my style. And Madame Brunot never exchanges hats. What a shame! I suppose he paid an enormous price for it and I could have satisfied myself with one for half the money. If only men would allow their wives to select their own Christmas presents.

Enter LAURA LACEY from R.

LAURA. Hello, Kittens. I saw your door open and came right in.

KITTY (kisses her). That's right, Lolly. I was just going over to your apartment. I have a little present for you.

LAURA. A present? You dear! (Kisses her again.)

KITTY. Yes. Here! (Gives her the box containing the hat.) I hope you'll like it.

LAURA. A hat? Oh, you darling! (Kisses her again.)

WARREN (outside L.). Kitty!

KITTY (goes to door at L.). Yes, Warren?

WARREN. I can't find my collar button.

KITTY. Did you look on the dresser?

WARREN. Of course I did. I've looked every place except in the refrigerator.

KITTY. I'll be back in a minute, Laura. Excuse me. (Hurries out L.)

LAURA (opens the box hastily and takes out the hat). Red and orange! Horrors! And I gave her a cut glass cold-cream jar that I got at the auction. I wouldn't wear this to a dog fight. Eddie!

EDDIE. Yas'm.

LAURA. You've been a good boy to us all year. I'm going to give you a lovely Christmas present.

EDDIE. Is you?

LAURA. I'm going to give you this duck of a hat. (Holds it up.)

EDDIE (delighted). Dat red and yaller hat?

LAURA. Yes. Hurry and put it in the box. I don't want Kitty Williams to know I gave her Christmas present away. (They put it in box.)

EDDIE. Um-um! Dat shore am some Christmas present. Won't ma lady-love be delighted with all dat gorgeousness? I certainly am much obliged to you, Mis' Lacey; I shore am.

LAURA. When Kitty comes back tell her I was called to the 'phone. (Goes to door R.) I'll never give Kitty Williams another present as long as I live. (Exits R.)

Enter WARREN WILLIAMS from L.

WARREN. Hello, Eddie. Are you acting as Santa Claus?

EDDIE (who has put the hat on floor at rear). Yas, sah; yas, sah. I's old Santa Claus to most everybody 'cept maself. Looks like old Christmas done passed me by.

WARREN (sees package on table). Hello, here's a present for me.

EDDIE. Yas, sah. I brung it up.

WARREN (opens it). Cigars! From my wife. (Looks at box dubiously.) She must have got them at a bargain sale. (Reads cover.) Santas Odoriferous. (Passes box to Eddie.) Have a cigar, Eddie.

EDDIE. Yas, sah. Thank you, boss.

WARREN (lighting one). Now, that certainly is a sensible present. So many women don't know how to select a cigar, but Kitty—

EDDIE (smoking). Yas, sah. Your wife certainly am a lady ob discernibility. She shore am.

WARREN. So many women give their husbands such foolish presents.

EDDIE. De lady in Apartment B done give her husband a pearl La Valliere for Christmas.

WARREN (takes cigar from mouth, looks at it a moment, replaces it and smokes furiously). You like a good cigar, don't you, Eddie?

EDDIE (removes his cigar, looks at it, replaces it). Yas, sah. I likes a good cigar.

WARREN. I tell you these are something like cigars, aren't they?

EDDIE. Yas, sah. Dey's sumpin like 'em, boss, but not quite.

WARREN (chokes and then throws cigar in cuspidor). I don't believe I care to smoke just now.

EDDIE (does the same). Neither does I, boss; neither does I.

WARREN. You wouldn't like a nice box of cigars for a Christmas present, would you, Eddie?

EDDIE (slowly). No, sah, I don' 'spects I would. Ma lady-love don't like to hab me smoke no cigars, kase she says it contaminates ma presence. Well, I's got to go and deliber de res' ob my Christmas packages. Merry Christmas, boss. (Exit R., carrying the hat in the box.)

Enter KITTY from L.

KITTY. Warren, I've laid out the costumes in your room. They're too lovely for anything.

WARREN. Well, did you get it?

KITTY. Get it?

WARREN. Your Christmas present.

KITTY. Oh, yes, I got it. (Looks around.) Why, where is Lolly?

WARREN. She probably got tired of waiting and went back to her apartment. How did you like the hat?

KITTY. It was a dream. You're such a good boy and you have the most wonderful taste in the world.

WARREN. Your cigars were just what I wanted.

KITTY. Why aren't you smoking one?

WARREN. I did. Just one.

KITTY. Just one?

WARREN (hastily). I mean—I only smoke one cigar in the afternoon, you know. But where is your hat?

KITTY. I'm going to have it fixed over a little, Warren. Just enough to suit my own individuality, you know.

WARREN. Jack Dawson gave his wife a cook stove.

KITTY. Speaking of impossible presents, I just got the most horrible pin-cushion cover from Rannie Stewart. I threw it in the waste basket.

WARREN. That's what comes of promiscuous giving. I told you how it would be. First I decided not to buy anything at all, but I couldn't resist that hat. Your tickets to the masquerade dinner and ball are the rest of the present.

KITTY. But I told Lolly we'd take tickets from her.

WARREN. I know. I haven't bought the tickets yet. I meant the money for them was the rest of your present. That and the hat. All my presents are beautiful practical things that every one wants.

KITTY. Yes, that's so. You have wonderful taste.

WARREN. I didn't even give Eddie anything.

KITTY. It doesn't matter. Oh, Warren. (Sits on arm of his chair.) I'm so glad we're going to have tonight all to ourselves. Aunt Minerva would have spoiled everything.

WARREN. Is she so very awful?

KITTY. Not awful; just good. Real downright good. And so intellectual. I'm sure she'd never approve of a Christmas masquerade.

(Ring at the bell at R.)

KITTY. See who it is.

WARREN admits MAGINNIS GOOGIN from R.

GOOGIN. Merry Christmas, sor.

WARREN. The same to you, Googin.

GOOGIN. I jest drapped in to see if you naded any more heat or anything like that. My, my, but I've been working hard the day. Sure, to be the janitor of an apartment house is no cinch at all, at all. And paple are not as liberal as they used to be, aven at Christmas time.

WARREN. Have a cigar.

GOOGIN. Thank ye, sor. (Smokes one.)

KITTY. Warren, you'd better try on your costume. I might have to change something, you know.

WARREN. But I—

KITTY. Please. We haven't got much time. It's after four.

WARREN (crosses to left). All right. (Exits L.)

KITTY. Now, Mr. Googin, I want you to go down stairs and tell your wife to come up. I have a nice little present for her.

GOOGIN (brightening). Have ye, now? A prisint for Honoria? Sure, it's a kind and thoughtful lady ye are.

KITTY. She's at home, isn't she?

GOOGIN. She is that.

KITTY. Ask her to come up here and wish us a merry Christmas.

WARREN appears at L.

WARREN. Kitty, how does that ruffle thing work? I can't get it around my head at all. I don't know the combination.

KITTY. Oh, I must have sewed it together. Can't you get it over your head?

WARREN. Not without choking myself.

KITTY. Wait a minute. I'll rip it for you. (Exits L.)

WARREN (gets box of cigars and hands it to Googin). Here's a little Christmas present, Googin. They're awfully good. I smoked two of them.

GOOGIN (lights one). Thank ye, sor.

WARREN. Don't let my wife see you smoking in here. She doesn't like it.

GOOGIN (chokes, takes cigar from mouth, looks at it). What kind of a stogie is it, Mr. Williams?

WARREN. It's pure Havana. Santas Odoriferous.

GOOGIN (smells it). It's odoriferous all right, all right. Begorry, it smells like someone had been burnin' the beans.

WARREN. That's the way all pure Havanas smell.

GOOGIN. I think I'll chop 'em up and smoke 'em in me pipe. Much obliged, sor, and merry Christmas to the both of yeez. Tell yer wife that me and Honoria will be right up. (Exits R.)

Enter KITTY from L.

KITTY. It's all right now. I left an opening. And I sewed on the last pompon. Warren, don't you think we ought to remember the Googins?

WARREN. I do remember them. When people have faces like the Googins one never forgets them.

KITTY. He's such a good janitor. Really, I think we ought to make them a little present.

WARREN. But I'm busted, Kitty. Those masquerade tickets will take our last cent.

KITTY. We might give the Googins some little thing here. (Looks around.) I have it!

WARREN. Yes?

KITTY. We'll give them Aunt Minerva's picture.

WARREN. Thank goodness. At last we've found a use for Aunt Minerva's picture. Ever since you hung it up there it's haunted me. But the Googins don't want it.

KITTY. I'm sure they will. They're frightfully poor and it would just match their furniture, I'm sure. Henceforth Aunt Minerva shall shed her light in the basement.

Enter MRS. GOOGIN from R., followed by GOOGIN, smoking a cigar.

MRS. GOOGIN. A merry Christmas to the both of yeez. (To KITTY.) Me man Maginnis tould me ye wanted to see me.

KITTY (at R.). Yes, indeed; come right in.

MRS. GOOGIN. I know what it is, darlin'. Sure it's a bit of a prisint fer me and the childer, now ain't it, Mrs. Williams? (Smiles.)

KITTY (at R.). What a good guesser you are.

MRS. GOOGIN. The Widow O'Toole, her in Apartment C, was after givin' me one of her ould worn-out waists. But I took her down a peg as quick as a wink. I'm a lady, I am, and me mother was a lady before me, and I don't accept cast-off clothes fer Christmas prisints.

KITTY. You don't. (At R.C. near front with MRS. GOOGIN.)

GOOGIN (at rear L. with WARREN). And nather do I.

MRS. GOOGIN. The ould bachelor in Apartment F gave me a fine prisint. I brung it up to show yeez. (Shows fancy waste basket, tied with ribbon bows.) It's a new bunnet. (Puts it on her head.) Sure, that's a Christmas prisint that touches me heart.

KITTY. I'm going to give you that picture. (Points to crayon portrait.)

MRS. GOOGIN. The picture of the ould lady, is it?

KITTY. Yes. It's a lovely frame.

MRS. GOOGIN. And it's a nice lookin' ould lady, too. She looks a little like me own mother, who before she was married to a Mulvaney was a McShane.

KITTY. Warren, take it down.

WARREN. With pleasure. (Takes picture down.)

MRS. GOOGIN (taking the picture). Sure, I have no picture of me own mother at all, at all. More's the pity. I'll jist take this picture and then I'll be after tellin' all me frinds that it is a likeness of me mother who was a McShane from County Kilkenny. (Sits R.)

GOOGIN. Would ye decave yer frinds, Honoria?

MRS. GOOGIN. A little deception is the spice of life. And besides it looks enough like herself to be her own photygraft. Don't it, Maginnis?

GOOGIN. Sure it looks like a chromo to me.

MRS. GOOGIN (angrily). A chromo, is it?

GOOGIN. Yis, or wan of them comic valentines.

MRS. GOOGIN. Listen to that now. He says me own mother looks like a chromo and a comic valentine. I'm a lady, I am, and me mother was a lady before me, and if I wasn't a lady, sure I'd break the picture over yer head, Maginnis Googin. Insulted am I and right before me face! (Weeps.) Oh, wurra, wurra, that me own ould mother, who was a McShane, should live to see that day whin her daughter's own husband would call her a comic valentine. (Weeps and rocks back and forth.)

GOOGIN (close to her). I said nawthin' about yer mother, Honoria Googin. I only remarked that the picture resimbled a comic valentine. And it do. And I'll lave it to Mr. Williams whither I'm right or no.

MRS. GOOGIN (rises with dignity, goes to KITTY). I thank ye kindly fer yer prisint, Mrs. Williams, and I wish yeez all the compliments of the season. (Turns to GOOGIN savagely.) As fer you, Maginnis Googin, ather ye beg me mother's pardon fer yer insults, or it's nather bite ner sup ye'll git in my house this night. (Sails out at R. carrying picture and waste basket.)

GOOGIN. Wait a minute. Listen to me, Nora, darlin'. Let me explain. (Follows her out at R.)

WARREN. Well, there goes Aunt Minerva.

KITTY. And she sent it to us last Christmas.

WARREN. I'm glad she decided not to visit us this year. Money is scarce at the end of the month and she's better off in Kankakee. New York isn't any place for Aunt Minerva on Christmas Day.

KITTY. I'm afraid auntie's gait is not quite up to New York in the holiday season.

WARREN. I think I'll try on my costume. Are you sure I can get into the ruff now?

KITTY. Oh, yes. Wasn't that stupid of me? Just like making a skirt and then sewing up the top of it. (Exit WARREN at L.)

Enter GOOGIN from R.

GOOGIN. Sure, it's a sad time we're havin' down in the basement.

KITTY. What has happened?

GOOGIN. Herself has locked the door of the apartment and divil a bit will she open it at all.

KITTY. Why, Mr. Googin!

GOOGIN. I'm in a pretty pickle now. All me money is locked up in me house with Honoria. You could be doin' me a great favor, if ye would, Mrs. Williams, mum.

KITTY. What is it, Mr. Googin?

GOOGIN. Go down to the basement and tell me wife to open the door to her lawful wedded husband.

KITTY. Why, of course I will. (Exits R.)

GOOGIN (sits down comfortably and lights a cigar from his box). Sure, it's a sad Christmas for me, so it is, whin Honoria lets an ould picture come bechune a man and his wife. (Smokes.) Begorry, I smell something. (Sniffs.) It's awful. (Rises.) Some wan is burning some rubber. Maybe I've got too much hate on in the radiators. (Sniffs.) My, my, what an awful smell. (Removes cigar and looks at it, smells it, makes horrible grimace.) Oh, ho, so it's you, is it? (Throws it in cuspidor.) No wonder they call it Santas Odoriferous. If that cigar came from Havana they'd ought to take it back there again and give it a dacent burial.

Enter EDDIE from R. with the hat in box.

EDDIE. Say, Mr. Googin!

GOOGIN. What is it, Eddie?

EDDIE. Does you want to buy a nice Christmas present for a lady?

GOOGIN. Maybe I do. What is it?

EDDIE. A nice hat. Right in de latest style. Jes' come home from de millinery store. Mis' Lacey gib it to me for a Christmas present, and I ain't got no use for it.

GOOGIN. Begorry, that's a good idea. I'll make peace with me wife. Eddie, I'll trade ye a nice box of cigars for the hat.

EDDIE. Is 'em some ob Mistah Williamses cigars?

GOOGIN. They are. Santas Odoriferous.

EDDIE. Man, man, I wouldn't deprive you ob dem cigars for de world.

GOOGIN. Sure it's no depravity at all, at all.

EDDIE. I'll sell you de hat for two dollars cash money.

GOOGIN. Two dollars, is it?

EDDIE. Yas, sah, and it's worth 'bout ten dollars. De lady done say it's worth more'n ten dollars.

GOOGIN. I'll take it. (Takes out old wallet, counts out two dollars in small change and gives it to EDDIE.)

EDDIE. Yas, sah. Dat's right.

GOOGIN. There's yer two dollars.

EDDIE. And dere's yer hat. (Gives him box.) Excuse me, boss. I hears de elevator bell. (Exits R.)

GOOGIN (opens box and looks at the hat). Begorry, I've been robbed. Eddie! Ye thavin' nagur, come here. Niver in all the world would me wife wear an orange hat. She hates orange worse ner pizen.

Enter KITTY from R. GOOGIN has hat in the box.

KITTY. It's all right, Mr. Googin. I had a long talk with your wife and she's all ready for you.

GOOGIN. Ready for me? With a flatiron belike.

KITTY. No, no. Her face is wreathed in smiles. She's waiting for you with a real Kilkenny welcome.

GOOGIN (smiles). Is she now? Sure, Mrs. Williams, mum, it's a grand lady ye are. Excuse me, mum, but this bein' Christmas day, I was wonderin' whether you'd be after accepting a wee bit of a Christmas present from the likes of me?

KITTY. Why, Mr. Googin, how very kind and thoughtful.

GOOGIN (hands her the box). It's here, mum. A fine hat it is. Right out of the millinery store.

KITTY. Oh, thank you so much. I'm just crazy to see it. (Takes it out.) What! (Stares at it.)

GOOGIN. Ain't it a beauty, mum?

KITTY (recovering). Oh, yes, indeed, Mr. Googin. But it is a far too expensive present for you to give me. You'd better give it to your wife. Here, I'll wrap it all up again.

GOOGIN. But me wife won't wear orange.

KITTY. Tell her to take off the orange and replace it with a green bow. I'll give her a nice green gauze bow.

GOOGIN (smiling). Will ye now?

KITTY. Yes. Take it down to her now. It will please her so much. She'll welcome you with open arms.

GOOGIN. I'll do it. (Takes box.) And I'm much obliged for your trouble, mum. (Exits R.)

KITTY. Warren!

WARREN (outside L.). Yes?

KITTY. Are you dressed yet? It's nearly five o'clock.

WARREN. Sure.

Enter WARREN from L., wearing white Pierrot costume.

KITTY. Oh, it's a dream.

WARREN. I feel like a fool. Say, Kittens, you'd better get into yours.

Enter MRS. GOOGIN from R. with picture.

MRS. GOOGIN (not seeing Warren). Sure I had to run up to tell yeez that iverything was all right, Mrs. Williams. And it's a darlin' y' are.

KITTY. Oh, I'm so glad.

MRS. GOOGIN (seeing Warren). Howly snakes of Ireland, what's that?

KITTY. That's Warren.

MRS. GOOGIN. He gave me such a start. I thought it was wan of them circus clowns got loose, mum.

WARREN (gayly). Wait till you see me with my paint on. (Runs out L.)

MRS. GOOGIN. Me husband has given me his consint and I can hang up the picture in me drawing-room, and he furthermore says that me mother is a quane and the picture is her perfect likeness.

KITTY. Then I'm sure you'll have a very merry Christmas, Mrs. Googin.

MRS. GOOGIN. I brought you up a little Christmas gift, mum.

KITTY. You did?

MRS. GOOGIN (takes out the hat). Ain't it a beauty?

KITTY. Indeed it is. But really you should keep that for yourself.

MRS. GOOGIN. Indade I'll not. I says to Maginnis, says I, "She's trated me like a lady, and I'll trate her like a lady also." So, here's yer Christmas prisint and many happy returns of the day.

KITTY. But this is such an expensive present, Mrs. Googin. Really, I—

MRS. GOOGIN (loftily). What's ixpense bechune frinds?

KITTY. I don't think I ought to accept such a lovely gift.

MRS. GOOGIN. Ye'll be hurtin' me feelings if ye don't. I'm a lady, Mrs. Williams, and me mother was a lady before me, and I have very, very sensitive feelings.

KITTY (sighs, then takes hat and box). Very well, Mrs. Googin. Thank you so much.

MRS. GOOGIN. And now I'll be goin' back to the basement. I hope ye have a pleasant time at yer party, mum.

KITTY. Thank you, Mrs. Googin.

MRS. GOOGIN. Are you goin' to fix yerself up like a circus clown, too?

KITTY. Oh, no. I'm to be Pierrette.

MRS. GOOGIN. Pierrette, is it? Well, look out ye don't git pinched. Merry Christmas. (Exit R.)

Enter WARREN from L.

WARREN. Kittens, there's a poor beggar woman out on the back steps. Can't you find something for her?

KITTY. No, I haven't a thing. (Sees hat box.) Oh, yes, I have! Tell her to come in. (Exit WARREN at L.) Now, I'll be rid of my Christmas hoodoo. (Puts hat in box.)

Enter HARD TIMES ANNIE from L., weeping loudly.

ANNIE. Oh, oh! On Christmas day! Just to think of it. Oh! (Wails.)

KITTY. What is it, my good woman? What's the matter?

ANNIE. Oh, mum, it's starving I am. A poor lone widow with sivin little children huddled up in the straw in a stable. No fire have we, no coal have we, no food have we. And on Christmas day, too. (Cries.) Could ye let me have a little money, mum?

KITTY (looks in her purse and shows audience that it is empty.) No, I haven't any money.

ANNIE. And it's such hard times we're having. With the cost of living so high and me with sivin children. No fire have we, no coal have we, no food have we.

KITTY. I'm so sorry for you.

ANNIE. Thank ye kindly, mum. And can you help me a little?

KITTY. How would you like a nice winter hat? It's perfectly new and has never been worn. It's red and orange.

ANNIE. Oh, lady, yer a fallen angel, so yer are, fallen right down from the skies. I'd rather have a nice winter hat than have a bushel of coal.

KITTY. There it is. And merry Christmas.

ANNIE. Thank you, mum. Has it got flowers on it or feathers?

KITTY. Feathers.

ANNIE. Oh, thank ye. Yer a fallen angel; indade ye are, mum.

KITTY. You'd better go out this way. (Points to R.) I don't want my husband to see what I've given you.

ANNIE. I know how it is, mum. I've had two of 'em meself. But nather one was a circus clown, mum. I suppose that makes 'em bad-tempered.

KITTY. Yes, I suppose so. Good-bye.

ANNIE (crosses to door R.). Merry Christmas, mum. And bless ye for what ye have done for me this day. Yer a fallen angel, mum; indeed yer are. (Exits R.)

Enter WARREN from L.

WARREN. Get rid of her?

KITTY. Yes. Gave her some little things. Now I must hurry and dress. How nice you look. I'll be ready in ten minutes. (Exit L.)

(Ring at bell R.)

WARREN (opens the door, admitting LAURA). Hello, Lolly.

LAURA. Are you all ready?

WARREN. Kittens has just started to dress. Did you get the tickets?

LAURA. Yes. Here they are. Jim's waiting for me.

WARREN (takes the two tickets). Thank you.

LAURA. I had an awful time getting the places reserved.

WARREN. Ten dollars, aren't they?

LAURA. Yes.

WARREN. Just a minute, till I get the money. Sit down. Kittens has the money. (Exit L.)

LAURA (calls after him). Hurry, please, Warren.

WARREN (outside). All right.

LAURA crosses to R. and sits. She takes up the fashion magazine and reads a moment. Rises impatiently and walks around the room, showing marked impatience. After a pause KITTY enters from L. wearing a kimono.

KITTY. Laura!

LAURA. Yes, dear.

KITTY. That hat I gave you!

LAURA. The hat?

KITTY. Yes, the one I gave you for Christmas. Warren had just given it to me as a present, and as it wasn't becoming to me so I gave it to you. Where is it?

LAURA. Why?

KITTY. He put ten dollars in it at the millinery shop. It was hidden in the lining. The ten dollars for the tickets.

LAURA. Good heavens!

KITTY. So that pays you for the tickets, doesn't it?

LAURA. But I gave it away.

KITTY. Why, Laura!

LAURA. It wasn't becoming to me, either. I gave it to Eddie.

KITTY (weakly). To Eddie?

LAURA. Of course I didn't know it had ten dollars hidden in the lining.

KITTY. I didn't think you'd treat my present that way.

LAURA. Now, Kittens—

KITTY (angrily). Gave it to the negro elevator boy. Well, I like that! That hat cost ten dollars.

LAURA. I never could have worn it.

KITTY. But you shouldn't have given it away.

LAURA. Warren gave it to you and you gave it away.

KITTY. That's different.

LAURA. Shall I explain to Warren?

KITTY. No; for goodness sakes, don't do that! I haven't a cent to my name and I can't explain to Warren. How can I tell him I gave his Christmas present away?

LAURA. Send for Eddie and make him give you the ten dollars.

KITTY. Eddie hasn't got it.

LAURA. What did he do with it?

KITTY. I don't know. A beggar woman has the hat now. I saw her with it.

LAURA. Then she has the ten dollars.

KITTY. Laura, you'll have to trust me until the first of the month.

LAURA (coldly). Oh, very well. It's of no importance.

KITTY. Now, Laura—

LAURA (crosses to door R.). In the future I'd advise you to keep your Christmas presents. I must go now. Jim is waiting for me.

KITTY. Lolly—

LAURA. We'll probably see you at the dinner. (Exit R.)

KITTY (crying). I'll never give another present away as long as I live.

WARREN (outside L.). Hurry, Kittens; it's almost time to go.

KITTY. In a minute. (Exits L.)

Enter EDDIE from R., followed by MISS MINERVA. She carries the hat in her hand.

MISS M. That will do, boy. Mr. Williams is my nephew. I'll find him.

EDDIE. Lawdy, now she's got de hat. (Exits R.)

Enter WARREN from L.

WARREN (to MISS M.). I beg pardon?

MISS M. Heavens!

WARREN. What's the matter?

MISS M. I thought you were a ghost.

WARREN. I am Mr. Williams.

MISS M. You are? (Drops everything, runs to him and shakes both his hands heartily.) Don't you know me?

WARREN. No; never saw you before in my life.

MISS M. I'm your Aunt Minerva.

WARREN. Not Aunt Minerva Mockridge from Kankakee?

MISS M. (positively). Aunt Minerva Mockridge from Kankakee.

WARREN. But I thought you said you weren't coming.

MISS M. I changed my mind. And I wanted to surprise you and Kitty.

WARREN. Well, you did. You've surprised us all right.

MISS M. Let me sit down. I've had such an adventure. (Holds up hat.) See what I brought you?

WARREN. A hat?

MISS M. Yes, what's left of it.

WARREN. It looks just like the one I gave Kittens for a Christmas present.

MISS M. I got out of the taxi at the corner and was walking along trying to find the house when all of a sudden I heard a great commotion down the street behind me. I turned around and just then a man darted right at me, slapped the hat in my hand and was off like the wind. A crowd of policemen were chasing him. I slipped into the vestibule of a building and luckily it was this house.

Enter EDDIE and HOGAN from R.

EDDIE. You can't come in yere. Not unless you got a search warrant.

HOGAN. I saw her run into the vestibule, boy—and I'll find her if I have to search every apartment from piano to ice-box. (Sees MISS M.) There she is now. That woman just came up in the elevator, didn't she?

EDDIE. Yassir, boss; dat's de one.

HOGAN (goes to MISS M.). Come on with me. I guess I've got you at last.

MISS M. What do you mean?

WARREN. Officer, this lady is my aunt. I am Mr. Williams, the owner of this apartment.

HOGAN (to EDDIE). Is that man the owner of this apartment?

EDDIE. Yessir, boss; dat's Mr. Williams.

HOGAN. And you say this lady is your aunt?

MISS M. Of course I'm his aunt.

HOGAN. That'll do you! Keep still or I'll put the bracelets on ye.

WARREN. Well, she said she was my aunt.

HOGAN. Have ye ever seen her before?

WARREN. No, sir.

HOGAN (turns to EDDIE at R.). Ye hear? He thinks she's his aunt and yet he niver seen her before. This woman is a crook. One of the worst in the country. She's old Boston Bell and is wanted in Omaha for highway robbery, in Salt Lake for arson, in Chicago for shoplifting, in Columbus for assault and battery, and in New York for receiving stolen goods.

WARREN. And I thought she was my Aunt Minerva.

MISS M. (at L.C.). Warren Williams, are you going to let that man stand there and insult me? Throw him out of your house.

HOGAN (C.). I was standing on me beat when I saw Dopey Daniel snatch a swell hat from a poor old woman. She screams and he hot-foots it down the street with me after him. This dame was standing at the corner. She was working with him. He saw we had him all right, so he slipped the hat to her and she made a getaway up the elevator. Come on, Boston Bell. I've got you with the goods on you. I want that hat for evidence. Now will you come easy or must I use the cuffs? (Pulls her to door R.)

MISS M. (screams). Kitty, Kitty! Help, help!

Enter KITTY from R.

KITTY. Aunt Minerva! (Rushes to her and embraces her.) What is the meaning of all this?

AUNT M. (at R., weeping). Oh, Kitty, Kitty, I'm arrested. On my first visit to New York. Oh, why did I ever leave Kankakee?

KITTY. Warren, make him release her.

HOGAN. Are you sure she's your aunt?

KITTY. Of course I am. Why, we have her picture. There it is. Oh, no—I'd forgotten.

HOGAN. I believe the whole gang of yeez is a bunch of crooks. Yeez look like crooks, all drissed up like clowns and things.

KITTY. Eddie, call the janitor.

EDDIE. Here he comes now.

Enter GOOGIN from R. with MRS. GOOGIN.

HOGAN. Maginnis Googin, is it yerself?

GOOGIN. What's goin' on here, Hogan. Who's been pinched?

HOGAN. This dame is Boston Bell. We got her with the goods. She stole a hat.

KITTY. Why, that's my hat. Isn't it, Warren?

WARREN. I thought it looked familiar. (Takes hat.) Yes, that's your hat. (Takes two five-dollar bills from the lining.) Now, I know it's your hat.

KITTY. But where did you get it, Aunt Minerva?

MISS M. Some man ran into me in the street and left it in my hand.

GOOGIN. Hogan, sure I think you've made a mistake.

HOGAN. Do you know these folks, Googin?

MRS. GOOGIN. I know them, Officer Hogan. It's the Williamses, and they're both perfect ladies. And I'm a lady, and so was me mother before me.

GOOGIN. Hush, Honoria. Ye've been drinkin' too much frozen egg nog.

MRS. GOOGIN (crying). And the ould lady that ye've pinched, sure I blave it's me ould mother from Kilkenny, Ireland. Oh, Maginnis, they've pinched me ould mother.

GOOGIN. It's all a mistake, Hogan.

HOGAN (to MISS M.). Ye say a man ran into you in the street and left this hat in your hand?

MISS M. Yes, sir.

HOGAN (to KITTY). And you say it's your hat?

KITTY. Of course it is.

WARREN (goes to HOGAN, gives him a five-dollar bill). I think that will be all, officer. Merry Christmas.

HOGAN. Merry Christmas to all of yeez. (Exits L., followed by EDDIE.)

KITTY. Mrs. Googin, this is my aunt, Miss Mockridge from Kankakee.

MRS. GOOGIN. Sure, I thought it was me ould mother from Kilkenny. Ye look enough like her to be her own twin sister, ye do.

GOOGIN. I came up to inform yeez that the taxi do be waiting.

MISS M. Taxi? Are you going out?

KITTY (looks at WARREN). Well—er—that is—er we—

WARREN. Yes, er—we thought you weren't coming.

MISS M. Where are you going?

KITTY. We were going to a masquerade dinner dance, but now that you've come we'll stay at home.

GOOGIN (to MISS M.). Ye'd better go to the dance, mum. Ye'll have the time of yer life. Faith, they've nothin' like it in Kankakee. Come on, Honoria.

MRS. GOOGIN. All of yeez come down and take tea wid me in the marnin' fer breakfast. Merry New Year and happy Christmas to all. I'm a lady and me mother was a lady before me, and I knows a lady whin I sees her. So I wish yeez all a happy Christmas and many of them. (Exits R. with GOOGIN.)

WARREN. Shall I send the taxi away, Kittens?

MISS M. I should say not. I'm going to that masquerade ball, if it's the last thing I ever do. That's why I came to New York. (Takes out purse.) Here's a hundred and twenty dollars. That's enough to see us through until breakfast, isn't it?

KITTY. We mustn't keep the taxi waiting. Come on, auntie. We're going to show you the time of your life.

MISS M. But I haven't any costume.

KITTY (puts the hat on her head). There you are. Now you're all fixed. I knew I could make some use of my Christmas hat. Hurry, Warren. (They hurry out R. as curtain falls.)

CURTAIN.

NOTES ON THE PRODUCTION.

This little satire on Christmas giving has been written to provide forty-five minutes of amusement for a holiday audience. The stage settings are very simple, a room with two doors being all that is required.

COSTUMES.

WARREN—A brisk young business man of about twenty-five. Ordinary winter suit for first entrance. Change to white Pierrot costume with white pumps, white socks, white pajama suit with large black pompons, or discs of black satin, on it. Large stiff ruff of white tulle. Face whitened with grease paint. Black patches. Black satin half-mask in hand. Head covered with close fitting white covering in Pierrot style.

KITTY—A bright, vivacious young wife of twenty-two. Afternoon dress at first, but choose one that may be quickly changed. Changed to kimono as indicated in text. On last entrance she wears a Pierrette costume, white pumps, hose, white tulle dress with very full skirts, ankle length. White clown cap. The dress may be trimmed with black satin discs, or pompons, or toy balloons in festoons, as desired.

MISS MINERVA—Aged forty-five. Gray hair. Spectacles. Dark traveling cloak and hat. Grip. She discards cloak and hat when Hogan releases her, showing a very gay dress beneath. Faint gray wrinkles of grease paint on face.

GOOGIN—Irish janitor. Red wig and whiskers all around face. Face reddened. White grease paint on upper lip. Red eyebrows. Old suit and cardigan jacket.

MRS. GOOGIN—Portly lady in gaudy dress of calico. Gray hair, parted. Green bows on costume. Face red and lined with gray grease paint. Use a decided Irish brogue.

EDDIE—Negro elevator boy. Face blackened with burnt cork. Uniform much too small for him. Negro wig.

LAURA—Afternoon dress for first entrance. No hat, as she lives in the same apartment house. Masquerade costume and opera cloak for last entrance.

HOGAN—Irish policeman. Uniform, helmet, billie, etc.

ANNIE—Old shoes, very ragged dress, old gray shawl on head. Straggling locks of white hair show beneath shawl. Red patches. Face heavily lined with gray grease paint. Very old and dirty apron.



Dances, Drills and Story-Plays

By NINA B. LAMKIN

Director of Normal Course in Physical Education at Northwestern School of Oratory and Physical Education, Evanston, Ill.



Fourteen Folk Dances of various countries, suitable for schools, clubs, churches, settlements, etc. Twenty-six simple AEsthetic Dances, as Dances of the Seasons, Flower Dances, Brownies, Fairies, Bluebirds, etc. Twenty-four Drills for every day and holidays, unusual, artistic and worth while. Forty-one Rhythms and twelve Story-Plays to be used with primary ages in every-day recreation, in dramatization and in entertainments. There is something in this book to fit any occasion where such material is desired. For Boy Scouts, Camp Fire Girls, Gymnasium Work, Play Festivals, Field Days, etc. Everything fully described. Suggestive music named and description of costumes given. Contains eight original photographs, half-toned, of various dances.

Beautiful cloth binding, lettering and design in two colors, clear, attractive type. Price, $1.25

T.S. Denison & Company, Publishers 623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO



Merry Monologues

By MARY MONCURE PARKER



These selections are wholly original and sufficiently varied in character and sentiment to enable the reader to make up a well-rounded program in which high comedy mingles with farce and pathos in a manner suitable for all occasions. Nineteen monologues and nine short poems which are especially adapted to that particular form of entertainment called the pianologue, viz., reading to music.

Some of the selections are new but most of them are the pick from the author's wide repertoire, which she has used throughout this country and in England. They bear the stamp of enthusiastic public approval and are now first offered to the public.

Contents: On the Street Car; The Renaissance of the Kiss; Husbands Is Husbands; Oh, Friend of Mine; George's First Sweetheart; Bobby and the New Baby; Lucile Gets Ready for a Dance; Mandy's Man and Safety First; Maggie McCarthy Goes on a Diet; Mrs. Climber Doesn't Like Notoriety; Lucindy Jones Expects a Legacy; Grown Folks Is so Awful Queer; At the Movies; The Gingie Boy; Ode to a Manikin; Isaacstein's Busy Day; Like Pilgrims to the Appointed Place; Mrs. Bargain Counter Meets a Friend; Mother Mine; Maggie McCarthy Has Her Fortune Told; In Vaudeville; Uncle Jim and the Liniment; The Funny Story; In the Milliner Shop; Mrs. Trubble's Troubles; George's Cousin Willie; When Lucindy Goes to Town; A Question.

Beautiful cloth binding, lettering and design in two colors, clear, attractive type. Price, $1.25

T.S. Denison & Company, Publishers 623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO



Let's Pretend

A Book of Children's Plays

By LINDSEY BARBEE



"Come—let's pretend!" has been the slogan of all childhood. A few gay feathers have transformed an everyday lad into a savage warrior; a sweeping train has given a simple gingham frock the dignity of a court robe; the power of make-believe has changed a bare attic into a gloomy forest or perhaps into a royal palace. These six plays will appeal to the imagination, to the fun-loving nature and to the best ideals of all children.

CONTENTS.—The Little Pink Lady (6 Girls); The Ever-Ever Land (16 Boys, 17 Girls); When the Toys Awake (15 Boys, 5 Girls); The Forest of Every Day (5 Boys, 7 Girls); A Christmas Tree Joke (7 Boys, 7 Girls); "If Don't-Believe Is Changed Into Believe" (21 Boys, 15 Girls). Full descriptions for producing; easy to costume and "put on." Clever illustrations showing the appearance of each character. The most charming children's plays ever written.

Beautiful cloth binding, lettering and design in two colors, attractive type.

Price, $1.25

T.S. Denison & Company, Publishers 623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO



Impromptu Magic, with Patter

By GEORGE DE LAWRENCE



A supreme collection of clever, off-hand tricks that can be presented with little or no practice, require no sleight-of-hand skill and are independent of any apparatus. The only articles called for are ordinary coins, cards, matches, etc., such as are always at hand. An excellent line of patter, in which humor predominates, is included for each trick and there are numerous illustrations.

Among the many clever but easy effects taught may be mentioned the lemon and dollar bill trick without sleight-of-hand, several baffling mind reading effects, card in the pocket, vanishing drinking glass, penetrating match, traveling coins, four-coin trick, coins out of hat, dime and penny trick, swallowing a knife, torn and restored paper napkin, etc.

Dr. A.M. Wilson, editor of "The Sphinx," who contributes the introduction, says:

"Many books and booklets on patter, numerous works, little and big, on magic, have been published. But not until this work of DeLawrence has there been one that covered both, and with material that anyone of reasonable intelligence could use successfully and satisfactorily. Having read the manuscript I congratulate the author on his wise selection of tricks and on the sensible and appropriate patter."

Attractively bound in art boards, fully illustrated, well printed on good paper.

Price, $1.00

T.S. Denison & Company, Publishers 623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO



Winning Monologues

By LILIAN HOLMES STRACK



For contests and public speaking. Eighteen splendid original selections for platform use in book form. The author has successfully portrayed various "types" in their most human and amusing aspects, and presents each monologue in a form that complies with the contest rules generally prevalent. Each of these readings is a real cross-section of life. The humor is essentially human, and not merely witty. Various types of human beings are represented, all in a fashion that has a sure appeal to any audience. The book is invaluable for professional entertainers as well as for contest use.

CONTENTS.—Johnny Gets Ready for Company; Aunt Polly at the Rural Aid Society; The Strap-Hangers; Little Maymie Attends the Movies; The Cheerful Laundress; John Tells a Bedtime Story; Aunt Polly Has Callers; Just Mary Louise; Friday Afternoon in Our School; When Edna Telephones; Johnny Does His Home Work; Look Pleasant, Please! Little Maymie Visits the City; In the Dark of the (Honey) Moon; The Punishment of Mary Louise; Practicing Domestic Science, or How Girls Cook; On Contest Night; The Telephone Exchange at Junction Center.

Beautiful cloth binding, lettering and design in two colors, attractive type.

Price, $1.25

T.S. Denison & Company, Publishers 623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO

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