For if your Wife be now upon a new reckoning, and you come then, as I have told you before, to get a Daughter; you will in time see what a pretty sweet Gentlewoman she'l grow to be; how modestly & orderly she goes to learn to write and read; but most especially to prick samples; which perhaps she'l be wholly perfect in, before she hath half learnt to sow: nay its probable that she'l be an Artist at the making of Bone-lace, though she was never taught it.

Otherwise both you & her Mother will reap an extraordinary Pleasure in seeing your Daughter grow up in all manner of comly and civil deportments; and that she begins to study in the book of French manners and behaviours; and knows also how to dress up her self so finically with all manner of trinkum trankums, that all the neighbouring young Gentlewomen, and your rich Neeces esteem themselves very much honoured with the injoiment of her company; where they, following the examples of their Predecessors, do, by degrees, instruct one another in the newest fashions, finest Flanders Laces, the difference and richness of Stuffs, the neatest cut Gorgets, and many more such Jincombobs as these. Nay, and what's more, they begin also to invite and treat each other like grave persons, according as the opportunity will allow them, first with some Cherries and Plums; then with some Filbuds and Small Nuts; or Wallnuts & Figs; and afterwards with some Chesnuts and new Wine; or to a game at Cards with a dish of Tee, or else to eat some Pancakes and Fritters or a Tansie; nay, if the Coast be clear to their minds to a good joint of meat & a Sallad. Till at last it comes so far, that through these delicious conversations, they happen to get a Sweetheart, and in good time a bedfellow to keep them from slumbring and sleeping. And it is very pleasing to see that they do so observe the making good of the old Proverb,

As old Birds did, the young ones sing, Which is a very pleasant thing.

Happy are you, O you new Housholders, who have already possessed your selves of so many Pleasures in your marriage; and are now come just to the very entrance to repossess your selves of them over again; and perchance they'l never depart from you as long as you see the one day follow the other. Be not backward or negligent in relating your happiness to others; but if there be any distast or disaster that can happen in the married estate, lock it up in the very Closet of your heart, and abhor everlastingly the thoughts of relating it; then you will have many that will pursue your footsteps, and be Listed into your Company, & then also will your estate and condition be famous through the whole World.



CONCLUSION.

Thus long you have seen, Courteous Reader, how that those married people, who are but indifferently gifted with temporal means, indeavour to puff up each other with vain and airy hopes and imaginations, perswading themselves that all the troubles, vexations, and bondages of the married estate; are nothing else but Mirths, Delights and Pleasures; perhaps to no other end but to mitigate their own miserable condition, or else to draw others into the same unhappy snare; as indeed oftentimes hapneth. But it is most sad and lamentable, that the meaner sort of people, when they have thrown themselves into it, make their condition a thousand times worse then it was before: For they, who at first could but very soberly and sparingly help themselves, do find when they are married, that they must go through not only ten, but at least a thousand cares and vexations. And all what hath hitherto been said of the ten Pleasures, is only spoken of the good and most agreeable matches; and not of any of those, which many times are so different and contrary of humour, as the light is from darkness; where there is a continual Hell of dissention, cursing, mumbling and maundring; nay biting & scratching into the bargain, which for the most part is occasioned by the quarrelsom, crabbed, lavish, proud, opinionated, domineering, and unbridled nature of the female sex. Besides there are a great number (which I will be silent of) who do all they can to please others, and Cuckold their own husbands. And others there are that disguise themselves so excessively with strong Waters, that a whole day long they can hardly close their Floud-gates. So that you need not wonder much, if you see the greatest part of women (tho they trick themselves never so finely up) can hardly get husbands; and their Parents are fain at last to give a good sum of mony with them, that they may disburthen themselves of them. Insomuch that it is easie to be seen that they are in effect of less value then old Iron, Boots and Shoes, &c. for we find both Merchants and mony ready alwaies to buy those commodities.

Therefore O you that are yet so happy as to have kept your selves out of this dreadfull estate of marriage, have a horror for it. Shun a woman much more than a Fish doth the hook. Remember that Solomon amongst all women kind could not find one good. Observe by what hath befallen those that went before you, what is approaching to your self, if you follow their footsteps. And be most certainly assured that the acutest pens are not able to expound the light & feasiblest troubles and disasters of marriage, set then aside the most difficile and ponderous. Do but read with a special observation the insuing Letter of a Friends advice touching marriage; imprint it as with a Seal upon your heart; and lay fast hold upon that golden expression of the glorious Apostle, It is good for man not to touch a woman.

THE END OF THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE.

* * * * *



A LETTER

From one Friend to another,

Desiring to know whether it be advisable to marry.

SIR,

I must acknowledge that the Letter which you have writ me hath given me some incumbrance, and made me more then three times to ruminate upon the question you propounded to me concerning Marriage; for it is a matter of great importance, that ought to be well pondered and considered of, before one should adventure to solemnize & celebrate it. Several of my familiar friends have troubled me touching the very same subject, and I gave them every one my advice according as they were affected; but me-thinks I ought not to deal so loose and unboundedly with you, by reason I dare speak unto you with more freedom and truth. First, there are two things which bind me strictly to you, Nature and the Affection; and moreover the great knowledge I have of this so necessary an evil. I will tell you my opinion, then you may use your own discretion, whether you will approve of my meaning for advice or not. For my part, I beleeve that of all the disasters we are subject to in our life time, that of Marriage takes preference from all the rest: But for as much as it is necessary for the multiplying the World, it is fit it should be used by such as are not sensible of it, and can hardly judge of the consequences thereof. Neither do I esteem any man unhappy, let whatsoever disasters there will happen to him, if he doth not fall beyond his sence so far as to take a Wife. Those troubles that may befall us otherwise, are alwaies of so small a strength! that he who hath but the least magnanimity may easily overpower them. But the Tortures of Marriage are such a burthen, that I never saw no man, let him be as couragious as he would, which it hath not brought under the yoke of her Tyranny. Marry then, you shall have a thousand vexations, a thousand torments, a thousand dissatisfactions, a thousand plagues; and in a word, a thousand sort of repentings, which will accompany you to your Grave. You may take or chuse what sort of a Wife you will, she'l make you every day repent your taking of her. What cares will come then to awake and disturb you in the middle of your rest! and the fear of some mischance or other will feed your very spirit with a continual trouble. For a morning-alarm you shall have the children to awaken you out of sleep. Their lives shall hasten your death. You shall never be at quiet till you are in your Grave. You will be pining at many insufferable troubles, and a thousand several cogitations will be vexing your spirits at the chargeable maintenance of your Family. Insomuch that your very Soul will be tormented with incessant crosses, which alwaies accompany this evil, in the very happiest marriages. So that a Man ought in reality to confess, that he who can pass away his daies without a Wife is the most happiest. Verily a Wife is a heavy burthen; but especially a married one; for a Maid that is marriageable, will do all that ever she can to hide her infirmities, till she be tied in Wedlock to either one or other miserable wretch. She overpowers her very nature and affections; changes her behaviour, & covers all her evil and wicked intentions. She dissembleth her hypocrisie, and hides her cunning subtleties. She puts away all her bad actions, and masks all her deeds. She mollifies both her speech and face; and to say all in one word, she puts on the face of an Angel, till she hath found one or other whom she thinks fit to deceive with her base tricks and actions. But having caught him under the Slavery of this false apparition; she then turns the t'other side of the Meddal; and draws back the curtain of her Vizards, to shew the naked truth, which she so long had palliated, and her modesty only forbad her to reveal: By degrees then vomiting up the venom that she so long had harboured under her sweet hypocrisie. And then is repenting, or the greatest understanding of no worth to you: Perhaps you may tell me, that you have a Mistriss, who is fair, rich, young, wise, airy, and hath the very majestical countenance of a Queen upon her forehead; and that these are all reasons which oblige you to love her. But I pray, consider with your self, that a fair Woman is oftentimes tempted; a young, perillous; a rich, proud and haughty; a wise, hypocritical; an airy, full of folly; and if she be eloquent, she is subject to speak evilly: if she be jocund and light hearted, she'l leave you to go to her companions, and thinks that the care of her mind, is with you in your solitariness; and by reason she can flatter you so well, it never grieves you. If she be open-hearted, her freedom of spirit will appear hypocritical to you: her airiness you will judge to be tricks that will be very troublesom to you. If she love playing, she'l ruine you. If she be liquorish and sweet-tooth'd, she leads your children the ready road to an Hospital. If she be a bad Housekeeper, she lets all things run to destruction, that hath cost you so much care and trouble to get together. If she be a finical one, that will go rich in her apparel, she'l fill the Shopkeepers Counters with your mony. And in this manner her lavishness, shall destroy all your estate. To be short, let her be as she will, she shall never bring you much profit. In good troth, I esteem very little those sort of things, which you imagine to have a great delight in. 'Tis true, if you take a Wife, which is ugly, poor, innocent, without either air or spirit; that's a continual burthen to you all your life time. The old are commonly despised; the ugly abhor'd; the poor slighted; and the innocent laught at. They are called beasts that have no ingenuity: and women without airiness, have generally but small sence of love. In these last some body might say to you, that one ought to take of them that are indifferently or reasonably well qualified. But I will surge a little higher, and tell you plainly, that that will be just like one who fearing to drown himself at the brinks of a River, goeth into the middle, to be the higher above water. You see now, why I cannot advise you to marry. Yet I would not have you to beleeve, tho I so much discommend it, that it is no waies usefully profitable. I esteem it to be a holy institution ordained by God Almighty. That which makes it bad is the woman, in whom there is no good. If you will marry, you must then conclude never to be any thing for your self again; but to subject your self to the toilsom will and desires of a Wife, most difficult to be born with; to pass by all her deficiences; to assist her infirmities; to satisfie her insatiable desires; to approve of all her pleasures, & whatsoever she also will you must condescend to. Now you have heard and understood all my reasons and arguments, you may then tell me, that you have a fine estate, and that you would willingly see an heir of your own that might possess it; and that it would be one of your greatest delights, to see your own honour and vertues survive in your children. But as to that I'l answer you, and say, that your reward shall be greater in relieving the poor and needy; then to leave rich remembrances to Heirs; and procure you an everlasting blessing, that you might otherwise leave for a prey to your children; who it may be are so bastardized in their birth, that they are both Spendthrifts and Vagabonds; for it happens oft that good trees do not alwaies bring forth good fruit. If, when you have seriously perused this my Letter, you are not affrighted at your intention; marry: but if you take it indifferently; marry not. And beleeve me, that a man who is free from the troubles & vexations of marriage, is much happier and hath more content to himself in one day, then another in the whole scope of his Wedlock. And what's more, a single man may freely and resolutely undertake all things, to Travel, go to battell, be solitary, & live according to his own delight; without fearing that at his death he shall leave a Widow and Fatherless children, who must be delivered over to the Fates, for their friends will never look after them. Hitherto I have kept you up, concerning your intention; and further I give you no other advice, then what by your self you may take to your self. If you marry, you do well: but not marrying, you do better. And if you will incline to me, rather then to marry, you shall alwaies find me to be

SIR

Your very humble servant

A.B.

* * * * *



THE

CONFESSION

OF THE

NEW MARRIED COUPLE.



* * * * *



THE

CONFESSION

OF THE

NEW MARRIED COUPLE,

Being

The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.

Relating

The further delights and contentments that ly masked under the bands of Wedlock.



Written by A. Marsh. Typogr.



LONDON,

Printed in the year 1683.

* * * * *



TO THE READER.

Courteous Reader,

Thy kind acceptance of the First Part, hath incouraged me to go forward with a Second, which I here present thee with; being now indifferently confident that it will be no worse used by Thee then the Brother of it was: I hope there is never a Part of it, in which thou wilt not find somthing that will please thy Fancy: But for such as profess to be of the zealousest sort of people, and make use of the gestur of casting up the whites of their eys, when they intend to tell you a notorious ly, I would not have them to study in it, by reason it speaks a great deal of truth, and will not be so suitable to their humors; because it is a bundle of matter that is scrambled together, which could not be wrapt up in such clean linnen, or drest up in such holding forth Language and pious hypocrisie, as such generally make use of: It is only fit for truehearted Souls that will solace their Spirits with a little laughter, and never busie their brains with the subversion of State and Church government: And being well received by such, it is as much as is expected by him who is thine. Farewell.

* * * * *



THE

CONFESSION

OF THE

NEW MARRIED COUPLE,

Being

The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.

* * * * *



INTRODUCTION.

It is an inexpressible pleasure for Travellers, when after many traverses and tossings too and again, they return quietly home to their studies and rememorates all the unexpected pleasure that they encountred with upon the one Coast, and the horrible vexations and confusions that they had upon another. And the very penning thereof, doth, as it were anew, repossess them of all the pleasures, and conveyeth them through all the Countries, without so much as the least moving of a foot. Just so it goes with those that have been under the Bands of Matrimony, and are loosed from them: These being then come to be solitary, at rest, and in quiet, can the more seriously rememorate and recogitate what pleasures they injoied at one, and what thwartings and crosses they met with at other times. And the writing down of these, doth not only afresh regenerate in them the received pleasures; but serves also for a Looking-glass to all married Couples, for them to recogitate what pleasures they have already received, and what joys are still approaching towards them. And for those which as yet know not the sweetness of the Nuptial estate, it serves for a Fire-Beacon that they may with all earnestness Sail unto it, and possess those joys also. Of those we have before demonstrated unto you Ten Pleasant Tables: But because the Scale of Marriage may hang somwhat evener, and not fall too light on the womens side, we shall for the Courteous Reader add unto them Ten Pleasures more, being that which some Married people have since confessed, or to be short with you, was formerly wink'd at, and passed over.

* * * * *



THE FIRST PLEASURE.

The young Couple begin to keep Shop, and demand their promised Portion.

Till now, O new Married Couple, you have passed through the First part of your Wedlock with feasting and pleasures, and have injoied no smal delights in it. But what is there in this World that we grow not weary of? You have seen that the sumptuosest Feast full of delicate dishes, and the pleasurablest Country Scituations, with al their rich fruits, finally cloggeth, through the continual injoyment of them.

Nevertheless it is the generall desire of all persons, forasmuch as it is possible, to live in the World in pleasure and delights. Amongst the rest the gain of mony is none of the smallest pleasures, and this appears to be the least burthensom, tho it have much trouble in it. Therefore is it very much commendable, O young Couple, though you have a pretty estate of your own, according as your Contract of Marriage testifies, and as we have also seen by the Wedding you kept, your apparel, and the other ap and dependances, that you begin to meditate how to make the best benefit of your stock; and so much the more, because your Predecessors got it with a slavish diligence, reaped it together with sobriety, kept it with care, and finally left it unto you for your great pleasure. It is then also not strange, if you, as true bred children, keep it carefully, and make the best profit of it; to the end, that your Successors, when time shall serve, may find that they have had frugall Parents; and so walk in your footsteps. Verily this is one of the necessariest meditations in the World. If we could but any waies make the dead sensible of it in their grave, undoubtedly the Reliques of your Parents would rejoice at so happy and carefull an intention of you their children.

And truly, what is there, among other cogitations, more pleasurable, then to begin with a handsom Shop-keeping? For this through the daily gain, yeelds every day new pleasures, and by consequence a merry life. 'Tis true, Merchandize bears a greater respect, and yeelds also sometimes great gains; but with these trouble somtimes, it is for the most part subject to great and weighty losses, which is the destruction of young people, and so intangles the merriest part of their lives, that fears and cares deprives them of their night rest. If the wind blow hard, they are presently in a fear that the Ships at sea laden with their Goods and Wares may be Shipwrack'd. If they will assure them, then the Assurer goes away with the profit: and they are also so greedy and cunning, that the least storm or bad tiding makes them very slow and circumspect; or if they be not so, it is to be feared, so there happen many losses, that then the Assurer himself might come to be lost.

But the handsom Shop-keeping is the surest and pleasurablest; for every moment you get new customers as well from abroad as at home, who buy continually with ready mony; or otherwise pay the old score, and trust the new. Yea all the news that goes about the City, is brought home and imparted to you. There's not a man dies, or woman brought to bed, but you have knowledge of it. Well then, what greater pleasure can there be then this?

Also, young Woman, you may, through love and care, herein be assistant to your husband oftentimes, which you cannot do in Merchandize, and so by degrees learn to understand the Shop, and converse neatly with the customers; whereby you can in his absence, also help the customers, and give them pleasing answers, insomuch that you oftentimes attain to as perfect a knowledge of the Trading, as your husband himself.

You are happy, yea ten times over happy, O housewively young Woman in this choice, and that not only for your husband, but principally for your self. For if that mischance might happen to you, that death should bereave you of your husband, you find your self oftentimes setled in a way of Trading, which you can manage your self, and set forward with reputation. Nay though you might happen to have children, you have the opportunity your self to bring them up in the same way, and so get a due, faithfull and carefull assistance from them, which will not so well be done by Men and Maid-servants, and over whom there is seldom so much command, as over ones own children.

And if your husband continue in health, and find that Trading grows quick, he perceives that by the assistance of his wife, something else may be taken by the hand that is also profitable, and then he will alwaies exercise some sort of Merchandise that is secure and advantagious.

It is most certain, sweet Woman, you will be the more tied to your housekeeping, and cannot so often go to visit and take your pleasure with your Gossips as you formerly did, in Coaches or by Water; as if your husband had taken any sort of Merchandice in hand; because that a Woman who is married to a Shopkeeper, is as it were also wedded to the Counter, by reason you dare not trust your Shop to old, much less to new men or Maid-servants, because they do not perfectly understand the Trade, and thereby also find occasion to make one bed serve for both and junket together; which makes no small confusion in the family; but little regard must be taken about that, for the importantest must alwaies be taken care of.

And be assured, if the desire of gain, small Trading, and bad paiment, begin once to take possession of you, the thoughts of all the former pleasures will remove, and you will exchange them for those that are more noble and becoming, viz. in the well governing of your Men and Maid-servants in the Shop and House, and taking inspection that they be obedient unto you; the Family must be wel taken care of; going to Market with the Maid to buy that which is good, and let her dress it to your mind; and every Market day precisely, with the Maid neatly drest, and following you with a hand-basket, go to take a view of Newgate, Cheapside, and the Poultry Markets; and afterwards, when your got a little farther, then to have your Baby carried by you, neatly and finically drest up; and in hearing of it, whilest it is in the standing stool, calling in its own language so prettily Daddy and Mammy. O that is such an extraordinary pleasure, that where ever you go, what soever you delight in, all your delight is, to be at home again in your Shop, by your servants; and most especially (when you have it) to be by your Baby.

And if you do get a fit to be gadding abroad with some of your friends and neighbours (for one cannot alwaies be tied as if they were in Bridewell, nor the Bow ever stiff bent) why then you have Ascen-sion-day, which may as well be used for pleasure as devotion. And if that be too short, presently follows Whitsontide, then you may sing tantarroraara three daies together, and get your fill of it. So that you may find time enough to take your delight and pleasure, tho you be a little tied to a Shop.

This being then in such manner taken into a ripe deliberation by some of the nearest relations, it is concluded on to set up a handsom Shop, and to furnish it with al sorts of necessaries; and by that means make that you may alwaies say Yea and never No to the Customers.

O how glad the good Woman is, now she sees that her husband, who is otherwise somewhat stifnecked, lets himself be perswaded to this, by his friends! and how joyfull is the husband that his Wife, who at first seemed to be high-spirited, is now herewith so absolutely contented.

O happy Match, where the delight and pleasure of both parties, is bent upon one subject. How fast doth this writhe and twist the Bands of Wedlock and love together! Certainly to be of one mind, may very well be said to be happily married, and called a Heaven upon Earth.

Here they are cited to appear who display the married estate too monstrously, as if there were nothing but horrors and terrors to be found in it. Now they would see how that Love in her curious Crusible, melteth two hearts and ten sences together. To this all Chymists vail their Bonnets, though they brag of their making the hardest Minerals as soft as Milk and Butter. This Art surpasseth all others.

Yet here ought to be considered what sort of Trading shall be pitcht upon. The man hath good knowledge in Cloath, Silk stufs, French Manufactures and Galantries, &c. But the Woman thinks it would be much better, if they handled by the gross in Italian Confits, Candied and Musk sugar plums, Raisons of the Sun, Figs, Almonds, Pistaches, Bon Christian Pears, Granad-Apples, and dried fruits; together with Greek and Spanish Wines, delicate Sack, Muskadine, and Frontinyack Wine; which is a Negotiation, pleasing to the ey, delicious for the tast, and beloved by all the World. And by this she thinks she shall procure as many Customers as her husband, because she hath familiar acquaintance with severall brave Gentlewomen, that throw away much mony upon such commodities, and make many invitations, Treats and Feastings. And she her self could alwaies be presently ready, when she received an honourable visit.

O happy man, who hath gotten such an ingenious understanding wife! that takes care and considers with her self for the doing all fit and necessary things to the best advantage. And really she is not one jot out of the way, for this sort of Merchandize is both relishing and delightfull, and must be every foot bought again.

Now the time requires going to market to buy Fir, Oak, and Sackerdijne Wood, and to order that the Shop may be neatly built and set up. And you are happy, that Master Paywell, who is a very neat Joiner and Cabinet-Maker, is of your very good acquaintance, and so near by the hand: He knows how to fit and join the pannels most curiously together, and so inlaies, shaves, and polishes the fine wood, that you would swear it is all of one piece.

Well here again is another new pleasure and delight! If all things go thus forward, certainly the wedding-cloaths will in a short time be, at the least, a span too little. O how glad you'l be, when this trouble is but once over! and that the Shop is neatly built, painted, gilt, furnished, and finely put into a posture.

O how nobly it appears, and how delightfull and pleasing it will be when this new Negotiant sees his Shop full of Customers, and he at one Counter commending, praising and selling, and one servant bringing commodities to him, and another hath his hands full with measuring and weighing! And his beloved at another Counter finds imploiment enough with telling mony, weighing of gold, and discoursing with the Customers. Then it wil not seem strange unto you, how it came to pass that your Predecessors got such fine sums of mony together, and left them unto you to be merry with. Therefore you ought also, even as they did, to provide your selves with a curious and easie to be remembred Sign, because your Customers by mistake might not come to run into your Neighbors Shops.

I have not yet forgotten that your Grandfather, being a Wollen Draper, first hung out the Sign of the Sheep, and his name was James Thomson, but by reason of his great custom, they called him, by the nick name, of James in the Sheep; which remains still as a name to the generation. And in like manner your wives Grandfather, a well customed Shopkeeper in silk-stufs, whose name was William Jackson, hung out the sign of the Silkworm, but his son going to school with another boy whose name was also William Jackson, for the making a distinction between them, they gave him the name of William the Silkworm, which also remains as a name to the Family. This is not common only among the Londoners, but in other Cities and Country Towns, also among Coachmen, Wagoners, and others.

But come we wil take our leaves of these people, and turn again to our new married Couple, who can hardly rest quietly a nights, for the earnest desire they have to see all things accomplished, and their Trading going forward. And in time Tom Thumb got on his doublet, tho he was seven years pulling on the first sleeve. Yet before you come to this great pleasure, you'l meet with a troublesom obstruction in the way, which if you can but turn of bravely, it will be much the pleasanter.

For before the Shop is fully furnisht, you will see what there will be wanting to fill all the corners and places with commodities that must be sold by length of time, and to stand out the trust; and also with patience and meekness expect the coming of mony from slow and bad paymasters: therefore it begins to be time to speak of the promised Portion.

Uds bud, what a racket is here now! For the young mans father had made his full account that he should not already be dun'd for the promised Portion; not doubting but that the young womans lay all totally ready told of in bags; and thought to take it in the best sence, I will pay my son his interest yearly; and afterwards, in peaceable times, when there's little or no impositions, and that my Coffers are better furnisht, will then give him the principal.

And seriously the old man seems to deal herein very cordially, since other mens fathers do not do half so well, and only give this for an answer, With young men must be promised, and with daughters must be given. And others make their sons give them a bond, wherein he, as by example, acknowledgeth to be indebted to his father six hundred pound, whereupon the Father closes the match, and promiseth to give in marriage with his son six hundred pound: which at last comes to nothing at all, and only serves for a perfect cheat to deceive and hood-wink the eys of the pretended Gentlewoman and her Guardians.

It is no wonder where such Matches are made, if, when such things are discovered, there be a great deal of time spent, before they can come to the true pleasure.

But you, O new married man, who have a liberal father on your side, you can get provisionally your interest, and when times mend your principal. Perhaps it will not be half so well with your wives estate, for she it may be in her maiden estate, hath spent and run out more in gaudy apparel, to intice a Lover, then the interest of her estate could bear, insomuch that the principal is diminished, or the revenues thereof received and consumed long before they were due.

's Wounds in what a sweat and fear, with these sort of cogitations, is this approaching new Shop-keeper in! How earnestly he runs to her Guardians, to see if they will unriddle him this doubt that he is in. But to his good fortune, he finds it in a much better condition than he thought he should. For his dearest, hath spent much less in her apparelling and maintenance, then she could have done, so that there's not only mony in stock, but rents of her real estate that are yet to be paid unto her, though there was very much consumed for her Brides apparel and the other accoutrements. Well this is an extraordinary pleasure, and a great comfort for his panting heart. Uds life how many hundred kisses are now offered at the Altar of her sweet lips, that otherwise would not so much as have been thought upon. Therefore one may easily perceive that mony increaseth love very much; and that Lovers in these times are so bent upon mony, and so diligent in search of it, is no admiration; nay they scruple not to inquire of the Guardians, and up and down by unsworn Brokers, who negotiate with a very close intelligence in this sort of Flesh-Trade, and draw ten double salaries (and that ofttimes too from both sides) if they can but help anyone to a good bargain, and that he obtains access; and afterwards wheedle it about so, that it finally comes to be a match. But what sad issue generally such sort of Matches are attended with, is well known to the whole World.

You, O Lovers, who seek to be Livry men of the great Company, and aim to possess the pleasures of Marriage, have a care of the inchanting voices of these crafty Syrens, because they intend to batter you upon the Scylla and Charibdis where the Hellish Furies seem to keep their habitation. These are the only Occasioners of bad Matches, and such as raise a Scandal of that Estate, which at once affoards both Pleasure, Mirth and Joy.



But our new married Couple went clear another way to work, who now to their full contentment, act so many pretty Apish tricks, injoy such multiplicities of kindnesses, and toss each other such quantities of kisses, as if there were a whole Kingdom, or at the least a vast Estate to be gained thereby: So that they find, that in that estate, there are not only Ten, but a thousand Pleasures cemented together in it; whereof in the following shall be demonstrated in some part the imperfect gloss, but never the accomplished Portrait.



THE SECOND PLEASURE.

The Husband grows Pipsy; and keeps the first Lying-in: Takes the Doctors advice. Is mocked by his Pot-Companions.

Just as one Candle lights another, so we see also, that two, sympathetically minded, know, by the cleaving of their lips together, how to breathe into each other their burning hearts-desire, wherewith the one doth as it were kindle the other, and do every moment renew and blow on again their even just now extinguished delights.

Of this you have here a pattern from our late married, for whom the longest Summer daies and Winter nights fall too short to satisfy their affections; they hardly know how to find out time that they may bestow some few hours in taking care for the ordring and setting all things in a decent posture in their new made Shop; imagining that they shall alwaies live thus, Salamander-like in the fire, without being ever indamaged by it. But time will teach them this better. In the mean while we will make our selves merry with the pleasure of this married Couple, who see now their Shop fully in order, furnisht with severall brave goods, and a pretty young fellow to attend it.

But because Customers do not yet throng upon them, they find no other pastime then to entertain each other in all manner of kind imbracements, and to chear up their hearts therein to the utmost. Here it may be plainly seen how pleasant and delightfull it is for the young woman, because her physiognomy begins to grow the longer the more frank and jocund.

So, that to us, her countenance doth display Her souls content, e're since her Wedding day.

But just as a burning Candle doth consume, though to it self insensible, yet maketh of hers joyfull by its light, so doth our new married Man, before few months are expired, find that he becomes the very subject of flouting at and laughter, among his former boon Companions; because every one jestingly tells him, that he is sick of a fever, that the paleness of his Face, the lankness of his Cheeks, and thinness of his Calves, doth shew it most plainly.

And verily there are some artificial Jesters who do it so neatly, that he himself beleeves it almost to be true: yet nevertheless, to avoid their mockeries, casts it of from him as far as possible may be. But his own opinion doth so clearly convince him, that in himself he ponders and considers what course is best to be taken.

But housoever as long as he goes and walks up and down, eats and drinks, he thinks that the tide will turn again. Yet finding himself inwardly weaker of body rallies with his own distemper, in hopes that by his jesting, among his merry Companions, he may from them understand what is best, upon such occasions, to be done or avoided; and they seriously jesting say to him: O friend, wean yourself from your wife and Tobacco, and drink Chocolate, and eat knuckles of Veal, or else you'l become like one of Pharaohs lean Kine. Oh ho, thinks he, if that be true, I have spent my reckoning this evening very happily.

Now young woman, don't you admire if your husband comes home at night discontented in mind, for his wits run a Wool-gathering, and he has walkt in a dump from Towerhill to Tuttle Fields contriving what's best for him to do, and how to compass the matter neatly. For to remain so from his dear and delicate Wife, not paying unto her the usual family duty, is below the generosity of a man; and to tell her what the matter is, is yet worse. To leave of Tobacco, and eat knuckles of Veal, is feasible. But to go to a Coffehouse and alwaies drink Chocolate, that sticks against the stomack.

Nevertheless Necessity hath no Law. And the Occasion overpowers affection. Insomuch that after a thousand pondrous considerations, he resolves to deny his dearly beloved Wife a little of that same; and to that purpose will somtimes in an evening feign to have the headake, or that he is very dull and sleepy, (which is no absolutely;) and thereby commands his man to call him up somtimes very early in the morning, as if there were forsooth Customers in the Shop, &c. and hunts up and down among the Chocolate Dealers to get of the very best, preparing it himself in milk, treating all that come to visit him with Chocolate instead of Tobacco; and he feigning that he hath an extraordinary delight in it; and on the other side, perswade his wife that he has a huge mind to eat a knuckle of Veal, some good broath, and new-laid Egs, or some such sort of pretty conceited diet.

But perceiving that this avails little, and that he grows rather weaker then stronger; away he trots to the Scotch Paduan Doctor, who immediately prescribes a small Apothecaries Shop, at the least twenty or more several sorts of herbs, to be infused in a pottle of old Rhenish wine, and twice a day to drink half a quartern thereof at a time: Item a Plaister to be applied to his Stomack; and an unguent for the pit of the Stomack, under the nose, and to chafe the Temples of the head; but most especially to keep a good strengthning diet, &c.

But this seems to have too much stir in the view of his wife; therefore must be laid aside; and away he goes then to a High German Doctor, who without stop or stand, according to the nature of his country, Mountebank-like begins to vaunt, as followeth: Ach Herr, ihr zijt ein hupscher, aber ein swaccher Venus-Ritter; ihr habt in des Garten der Beuchreiche Veneris gar zu viel gespatzieret, und das Jungfraulicken Roszlein zu oftmaal gehantiret; ihr werd ein grosze kranckheyt haben, wan ihr nicht baldt mein herlich Recept gebraucht, aber wan ihr dieses zu euch neimt, ihr zold alzo baldt hups gecuriret warden, zolches das ihr wie ein redlicher Cavalier andermaal tzoegerust, daz Jonfferliche Slosz besturmen, erobren, und da uber triomfiren zol. Dan ihr must viel gebrauchen daz weise von Ganze und Enteneyeren, die wol gebraten sind, Rothkohl mit feysem fleisch gekockt, alte Huner kleyn gehacket, Hanen Kammen, Swezerichen, Schaffe und Geisse-milch mit Reisz gekockt, auch Kalbs und Taubengehirn viel gegessen mit Nucis Muscati; und Reinischer Wein mesich getruncken; es is gewis wan ihr dieses vielmaal thut, ihr zold wieder kreftich und mechtich werden, und es werd sijner liebsten auch gar wol gevellich zein.

In English thus.

Oh Sir, you are a brave, but a weak Knight, you have walkt too much in the mid-paths of the Garden, and plukt too often from the Rose-tree, if you make not use of my noble remedies, you'l have a great fit of sickness; but if you do take it, you'l be very quickly and dextrously cured; in such a manner, that like a Warriour you may both storm and take the Fortress, and triumph over it. Be sure then to make often use of the whites of Geese and Ducks-Egs roasted, Red-Cabidge boild with fat meat, old Hens beaten to pieces, Cox-combs, Sweet breads, Sheeps and Goats milk boild with Rice; you must also often eat Calves and Pigeons brains with Nutmeg grated in them; and drink temperately Rhenish Wine; it is most certain that by a frequent doing of this, you will grow both able and strong again; and it will also be very acceptable to your dearly beloved.

Here stands the poor Cully again, and looks like a Dog in a Halter, and perceives that this Doctor Jobbernole gives him an abundance of words but few effects for his mony; because all his boasting, doth, for the most part, contain what he had before made use of; and is therefore unwilling to trouble his wives brain with all that boiling and stewing, and all the rest of the circumstances. This makes him take a resolution to let it take its course. But still growing weaker and weaker, is at last fain to keep his bed, and constrained to send for one of our own Country Doctors, and makes his complaint to him, that he is troubled with an excessive head-ake, weakness in the reins of his back, a lameness in his joints that he can hardly lift his arm to his head; together with a foulness of his stomack, which makes him that he can retain nothing, but is forc't to vomit all up again, &c. Out of all which reasons the Doctor perfectly understands the ground of his distemper; and in the absence of his wife, reveals it unto him.

O how delicately these Cards are shufled! if the game go thus forward, it will come to be a stately Pleasure! but principally for the Doctor, who privately simpers at the playing of his own part, and never fails to note down his Visits; but most especially if he have the delivery of the Medicins into the bargain; placing them then so largely to account as is any waies possible to be allowed of; which makes the Apothecary burst out into such a laughter, as if he had received the tiding of a new Bankrupt.

But go you forwards Doctor, it must be so, you have not studied for nothing; and it is no small matter to be every time ordering of new remedies; especially when we see that you constantly write.

Rx Vini Rhenani vetustissimi & generostssimi M ij.

And then again to eat oftentimes Pistaches, Almonds, Custards, and Tansies, &c.

Though since the Patient, like making a Martyr of himself, is in this manner fallen into the hands of the Doctor, his dearly beloved Wife is not negligent to acquaint all the friends with it; who immediately come running to give a visit to the sick, and speak words of consolation to the good woman. But alas grief and sorrow hath taken such deep root in her heart, that no crums of comfort, though ever so powerfull, can dispossess her calamities: for the seeing of a husband who loved her so unmeasurably, and was so friendly and feminine, to ly sick a bed, would stir up the obdurest heart to compassion, and mollifie it with showers of tears.

But even as all the Relations, by messengers, are made acquainted with this sickness; report in like manner is not behind hand with making it known to good acquaintance and arch Jesters, who (as I shewed you before) are very ready to appear with their flouts and gibes, and instead of comforting, begin to laugh with the Patient, saying: O Sir, we have perceived, a long time since, that you were more then half your reckoning, and that your lying-in was much nearer then your wives; and we alwaies thought, because we had tasted out such delicate Wedding-wine for you, that you would have desired us to have taken the like care for to have such at yours, and afterwards at your Wives lying-in. Yet since it hath not so hapned, we hope that the Doctor hath taken so much the better care for it.

Thus rallying, they begin to get the bibbing-bottle, and guess at the same time, as if it had been told them, that the Doctor in his last receipt had ordered Rhenish Wine.

And just as the Women in the Eighth Pleasure of the First Part produce abundance of Remedies; the assembly of Men do here in like manner cast up a hundred Receits which makes Peggy the maid blush and be most cruelly ashamed at; but behind the Window she listens most sharply to hear what's told and confessed by those that be in the Chamber, as to the further matter of fact.

For Master Barebreech relates, that as he was travelling the last Summer into the North, and so forwards into Scotland, going through Edenburgh, met there with his cousin Master Coldenough, who look'd so lean and pale-fac'd; that Master Barebreech told him, in truth Cousin, I should hardly have known you; verily you look as if you were troubled; and I beleeve you have the feeling of a first lying-in through all your joints. Well Cousin, saies the t'other, it seems that you are deeply studied in the Art of Witchcraft, for I fear its too true. I went from home on purpose to take my pleasure for three weeks or a month, that I might store my self with fresh provisions, and sing a sweet ditty in commendations of my Betty. Ho, Ho, saith Master Barebreech, flatter not your self with such a fancy, that you'l get as much up again in three weeks or a month, as you have been running behind hand in four. If you'l do well, let's for a frolick go into France, there's a gallant air, and we shall be very good company together, and fear not but that we'l make much of our selves; then when we come home again, you'l find your self so well, and both you and your wife will be thankfull to me as long as you live for my good advice of taking this journy. To be short, the Cousins travell together, and Master Coldenough came home so lusty, fat and plump, that all his acquaintance, and especially his hungry wife, admired mightily that he was so fat and corpulent.

At this all the jesting-wags burst out into a laughter. But having toss'd up their cups bravely about again, Peggy comes in with a fresh Kan, and Master Winetast begins to relate how that he used to be familiarly acquainted with a certain brave Judge, who had a bucksom bouncing Lady to his wife. The Judge feigns a Letter, which at noon, as he was sitting at Table with his Lady, was brought him very cleaverly by his man. He seemingly unknowing of it, opens and reads, that he must immediately, without further delay, go upon a journy; having read that, prepares himself with his man forthwith to be going.

But whilest the Judge was gone into his Closet, as seeming to take some important writings along with him; the Lady calls his man privately into the Parler, and forces him by threats of her displeasure to tell her, who delivered him that Letter; with a promise of her favour if he spoke the truth. Whereupon the fellow trembling, answered, Madam, I have received it from my Lord the Judge; but he hath strictly commanded me to keep it secret, so that if he come to know that I have mentioned any thing of it to your Ladiship, he will have the greatest displeasure of the World against me. Do not you fear anything, said her Ladiship, but be faithfull in what you do.

A pretty while after, the Judge having been some time at home, and walking with his Lady towards their Garden, they met with a drove of Sheep, having but one Ram amongst them: Whereupon her Ladiship askt, Sweetheart, how comes it, that that one Sheep hath such horns, and the t'others none at all? My Dear, said he, that is the Ram, the He-Sheep. What, said she, are the others then all She's? O yes, my Love, answered he. How! replied she, but one Ram among so many Sheep. Yes Hony, saies the Judge, that is alwaies so, then (sighingly she said) alas poor Creature, how must you long then to walk some other Road!

There had been more related; for Master Carouser was entred upon a new subject; but because the Doctor came in, they were constrained to break of.

But Ellen the starchster, being busie in the Kitchin with the Mistriss about ordering the Linnen, having let the Doctor in; saith, Mistriss, the Doctor is come there, and is gone into the Chamber; by my truly Mistriss, I hear say that my Master hath got a fever. O Nel, saith the Mistriss, this is clear another thing, this sickness is not without great danger; and it would be no such wonder, if my husband hapned to dy of it; and where should we then find the Pleasures of Marriage that some arch Jesters so commonly talk of.

But kind Mistriss be not so hasty, it is impossible to express all the Pleasures so fully in one breath: you must note, that they are all as it were for the present hid behind the Curtains; neither must you expect to sail alwaies before wind and tide; and beleeve me there are yet other Nuts to be krackt.



THE THIRD PLEASURE.

Whilest the Husband is from home, the Wife plaies the Divel for God's sake. The Husband upon his journy will want for nothing.

It seemed to be a divellish blur in the Escucheon, and a cruel striving against the stream, that as soon as the Shop was just made and furnisht, then the good Man falls sick, and keeps the first Lying in.



But Experience having taught him, that with relishing and solid dishes a man may overclog himself; he thinks it not unadvisable, to take a journy now and then from home, to see if he can get some new Customers in other Towns, or buy in some Goods and Wares for his Shop; by which means he may as well take as good care for his health, as he doth of his Shop-keeping.

Yet what comes here in the way, the pleasure is so great, and their loves so tender and newly stamped to each other again; that the young woman thinks she shall do, as formerly Cyana did, either consume her self in tears, or drown'd her self in a River, if she must suffer this.

Oh, the whole World will be unto her as dead, and without any thing of mankind, if her dearly beloved depart from her! Well, who will not then but beleeve that the married estate is full of incomprehensible and inexhaustible pleasures and sweetnesses? Do but behold how these two Hony-birds, sing loath to depart! Yea, pray observe what a number of imbracings, how many thousand kisses, and other toyisch actions are used, before this couple can leave one another! Nevertheless the reason of necessity, doth forsooth conquer in a vigilant husband these effeminate passions.

Therefore away he goes, leaving his whining beloved sitting between her Sister and her Neece, speaking words of consolation to her; and using all arguments possible to enliven and make her sorrowfull heart merry; either of them striving to be most free in proffering to be her bedfellow, and the next day to keep her company: But alas, saies she, suppose ye did all this, yet nevertheless I have not my husband with me!

But because time and good company help to decline and pass away sorrow; she very happily begins to consider, that she hath now a fit opportunity, to invite her Neeces and Bridemaids and other good acquaintance, with whom she hath been formerly mighty familiar, to come and take a treat with her, and to drink a dish of Tee; for they have, when she was in her Maiden estate, treated her so many times with Tarts, Pankakes and Fritters, Custards, and stew'd Pruins, that she is as yet ashamed for not having made them some recompence. And she never could find an occasion that was convenient before, because one while she dwelt with her Guardians, and at another time with her Uncle; who took very sharp notice where on, and in what time her pocket-mony was spent and consumed, that they continually gave her for trivial expences. Which vext her so much the more, because the treat she received, was for the most part done, to bring her acquainted with this or that Gentlewomans Brother, or Cousin, or some other pretty Gentlemen; to the end, that by this means she might happen to make a gallant Match; and indeed the first original of the wooing, and acquaintance with her beloved, had there its foundation.

To treat these Gentlewomen when her husband is at home, would no waies appear so well; and so much the more, because they generally suffer themselves to be conducted to the place by one or other of their Gallants; who then either very easily are persuaded, or it may be of themselves, tarry to take part with them. Therefore this must be done and concluded on, because she hath now the disposal and keeping of the mony as well as her husband.

Here now must Doll run up and down tan-twivy to borrow a Rowling-pin, and some other new invented knick-knacks, to bake Cheesekakes and Custards in; whilest Mage is also hardly able to stand longer upon her legs, with running up and down to fetch new-laid Egs, Flour, Sugar, Spices, blanch'd Almonds, &c. The Mistriss and Doll are able to perform this duty well enough; for they both helpt to do it, very neatly at her Neeces birth-day; but the Pastry-Cook must be spoken to for the making a delicate minc'd Py; and Mage must run to the Confit-makers in Black-Fryers, to fetch some Conserves, Preserves, and of all other sorts of Sweetmeats, Raisins of the Sun, and more of the like ingredients, &c. for she knows best where all those things are to be had. And for a principal dish there ought to be a Pot of Venison, a couple of Neats-tongues, a delicate peece of Martelmas beef, some Anchovis, and Olives for the Gentlemen, because they certainly will accompany the Gentlewomen. And truly they that bring them, may very well tarry to carry them home again; it is also but one and the same trouble. Goodman Twoshoes is gone out of Town, and sees it not, neither need he know it when he comes home: He treats so many of his friends and acquaintance, and then again next day following invites them to a Fish-dinner. I may very well play my part once in my life, and have all things to my mind, let come on't what will, who knows whether such another occasion may happen again this three years. And against next morning, very privately, she invites the Gentlewomen alone, to come about nine a clock in the morning, to eat hot Buns, and Cakes, for then they come precisely out of the Oven; and in the afternoon again, to some curious Fruit, Pankakes and Fritters, and a glass of the purest Canary let it cost n'er so much, or be fetcht ne'r so far.

Thus runs the tongue of this pretty housewife, that but a while ago was so sorrowfull for the departure of her beloved husband. Certainly there's nothing comes out more suddenly, or dries up more easily, then womens tears!

But hangt no more of that; for the guests will be here presently, therefore all things ought to be in order for mirth. And moreover there there are some of them that frequent Mr. Baxter's Puritanical Holding-forth, whose heads will immediately, in imitation of their Patron, hang like Bull-rushes; for they are taught to mourn with the sorrowfull, and to rejoice with the joifull. But it is now a time to be merry, and throw away masks and vizards; for all is done under the Rose, and among good acquaintance. And verily if the good woman had not this or some such sort of delight, where should we find the pleasures of marriage? for in the first Lying-in of the husband there was no looking for them.

Come on then, that mirth may be used, let the Cards also be brought in sight; which formerly, out of a Puritanical humour, ought not to have been seen in a house; nay, not so much as to have been spoken of; but now every one knows how to play artificially at Put, all Fours, Omber, Pas la Bete, Bankerout, and all other games that the expertest Gamesters can play at. And who knows whether they do not carry in their Pockets, as False-Gamesters do, Cards that are cut and marked. They learn to play the game at Bankerout so well with the Cards, that in a short time they can and also do it with their Housholdstuf, Wares, and Commodities. To be sure, you'l alwaies find, that every one of them, by length of time, are capable of setting up a School, and to act the part of a Mistriss. And most especially they learn to discourse very exactly touching the use and misuse thereof; just as these dissimulating Wigs intend to do, though indeed men have never seen that they practised this lesson themselves.

But, although the Mistriss and her Companions know little or nothing of these tricks, they serve howsoever, without setting up a School, and that also for nothing, for good Instructresses to their servants, who hereby are most curiously taught, what paths they have to walk in, and what's best for them to do that they may follow their Mistresses footsteps, as soon as their Master and Mistriss are but gone abroad together; who then know so exactly how to dance upon those notes, that we thought it necessary, as being one of the principallest Pleasures of Marriage, also to be set down in the Third Table of the First Part.

Many women, who are sick of this liquorish and sweet-tooth'd disease, will be grumbling very much at this, that such a blame and scandal should be cast upon their innocent sex; and say that Batchelors hereby will be afraid to marry; But if they, and the Gentlewomen that were in private domineering together, had not gone to Confession, and made a publick relation of it, who would have known it. Therefore this sort of well treated female Guests, are like unto those that when they have gotten a delicate bit by the by, cannot fare well but they must cry roast-meat, though they should be beaten with the spit for it.

But the good ones, though they are thin sown, who are not distempered with this evil, never trouble themselves at what one will say, or another write concerning women, because their guiltless consciences, serves them as well as a thousand witnesses; and they are very indifferent whether that the deceased scandal raiser Hippolitus do arise, and come into the World again; daring him in this manner

Surge then Hippolytus, out from thy Ghostly nest: Who scandal least esteem, revenge themselves the best.

Yet howsoever though this is true, nevertheless I must furnish the delicate stomackt Ladies with some sort of weapons, that they may be in a posture of defending themselves against their vituperous enemies: For verily there are several men that walk not so even and neat in their waies as they ought to do; and who knows, whether our Mistresses dearly Beloved, at this very present, doth not as many others have done; who when they are travelling any whither, the first thing they do, is to be very diligent, and look earnestly about, whether there be not some handsom Gentlewoman that travels with them, by whom they very courteously take place, shewing themselves mightily humble and complacent, and telling them that they are Batchelors or at the least Widowers; then casting out a discourse of playing a game at Cards, that they may the better see what mettle the Lady is made of, and then again when they come to a Baiting-place, or where they must stay the night over, there they domineer lustily with them, and play the part of a Rodomontade. Where many times more is acted and spent, then they dare either tell their Wives, or their father Confessors of.

Others there are, who seek not so much such company, but very artificially before hand, know how to find out such Fellow-travellers as most suit with their own humour; to that end providing themselves with some Bottles of Canary, and pure Spanish Tobacco; and where ever they come are sure to make choice of the best Inn, where there's a good Table, delicate Wine, (and a handsom Wench) to be had.

Certainly, if the Husband thus one way, and his Wife another, know how to find out the Pleasures of Marriage, they are then both of them happy to the utmost. Is it not possible, but that they might, if this continued long, take a journy, for pleasure, to Brokers-Hall? For at first it was by them esteem'd too mean a place to be look'd upon, and not worth their thinking of: but then its probable it may come into their considerations, by reason that rents are low there, provisions very cheap, and pleasures in abundance; neither hath Pride or Ambition taken any habitation there. Nay, who knows but that they might chance to observe that there is no such need of feasting and junketting; nor be subject to so many visits, because there dwells not such a number of their friends and acquaintance: and besides all this, you may there, for a small matter, agree with the Collectors of the Excises, so that, for a whole year, you may have Wine, and severall other things plenty, for little or nothing.

But let's lay aside all this, because they are untimely cogitations, that fly astray; and it is much decenter that we turn again to our kind-hearted Mistriss, with her merry companions; who now, are about the taking leave of each other; using, to shew their gratitude, whole bundles full of complements; offering them up with an inexpressible amiablenes and eloquency for the respect and honour they have received; and confirm them with so many kisses, cursies, bows and conges, that it is easie to be perceived, that on both sides its cordially meant. And Doll, that good and faithfull servant, is not able to express how pleasing this entertainment hath been to all the company. Nay, it lies buzzing her so in the pate, that she cannot be at quiet in a morning, whilest her Mistriss is asleep, but she must, with the Neighbors Maids, either at the opening of the Shop, or sweeping of the street, be tatling and telling of it to them; putting, every foot, into their hands privately, some Almonds and Raisins, that came in by leger de main: Relating unto them, as if she did it by a scrole, what a horrible quantity of things she hath to scour and wash, that must be made clean, and set in order, against the time that the Bridemaids, as it was mentioned, are to come again alone; and so much the more, because her Master is daily expected home. Who then finally coming in, is not ordinarily welcomed, for she is so full of joy that her husband is come home, that both her tongue and actions are incapable of demonstrating her felicity; and he on the t'other side, is so glad to find his dearly Beloved in good health, and all things in decent order, that it is beyond imagination.

All this while they both laugh in their sleeves, that each one, in th'absence of the t'other, hath taken to themselves such a private an cunning pleasure. Finding so much content and injoiment therein, that they both hope to serve themselves again with the like occasion. O mighty Pleasure of Marriage! Who would not but be invited to go into this estate? Especially if we proceeded to write down and rehearse the further Confession of the separate Pleasures of Man and Wife, which is preserved as matter for the insuing Fifth and Sixth Pleasure.



THE FOURTH PLEASURE.

The Wife will be Master of the Cash, or mony Chest.

As Mony is one of the most curiousest Minerals, is it, in like manner, the less admirable, that the handling and use there of rendreth the greatest Pleasures of the World. It is Loves Fire, and Charities Fountain. Yea, if Man and Wife in their house keeping may be esteemed or compared to the Sun and Moon in the Firmament; verily, those merry white or yellow boies, may very well be considered of as twinkling stars.

It rejoiceth all mankind to behold in the sky the innumerable multitude of glittering Stars: but it is a far surpassinger Pleasure, that the new married Couple receive, when they see vast heaps of Silver and Gold ly dazling their eys, and they Lording over it.

You, O lately married Couple, possess this Pleasure to the utmost; you have to your content received your promised Portions; you onely want the great Iron Mony-Chest to lock it up in securely, and to keep it safely, that it may be laid out to advantage. O how pleasant the free dispensation thereof is unto you! What a noble Valley it is to walk in between these Mountains, and to delight your eys with such an object!

Yet nevertheless, O faithfull Couple, here is need that a great deal of prudence be used, as well in the laying of it out, as the preserving of it. In ancient times it hath been often observed and taken notice of, that where mony was hid, the places were generally hanted with terrible spirits, and strange Ghosts, that walked there, coming in frightfull apparitions: but since they have been driven out of our Country and Houses; there's another sort of Imp come in, ten times wickeder then any of the other; which regards nor cares neither for Crosses, Holy-water, Exorcisms, or any sort of Divel-drivers; but dares boldly shew himself at noon-day, namely a Plague-Divel, which sets Man an Wife together by the ears, to try who of them both shall have the command and government of the Cash or mony-box.

And to the end he may herein act his Part well, he knows how very subtlily first to fill the weak womans ears full, that she ought above all things to have the command of the cash; because she had such a great Portion; and that it is her mony which she hears gingle so. And then again, because the care of the house-keeping is appropriated to be her duty, it is against all reason, that she, like a servant, should give an account to her husband, what, wherefore, or how that the mony is laid out; because the necessaries also for house-keeping are so many, that they are without end, name or number, and it is impossible that one should relate or ring them all into the ears of a Man. Likewise the good woman cannot have so fit an occasion every foot to be making some new things, that she may follow the fashion, as it is usual for women to do; much less to have any private pocket-mony, to treat and play the Divel for God's sake, with her Bride-Maids, when her husband is gone from home.

And on the contrary, when men pay out any thing, it goes out by great sums, according as is specified by the accounts delivered, which must be set to book, and an acquittance given: This cannot be so done with every pittifull small thing that belongs to house-keeping. Insomuch that the Husband can then, with all facility, demand what Mony is needful for his occasion from his Wife.

Moreover, when the Wife hath the command of the mony, she can alwaies see in what condition and state her affairs stands; and by taking good observation thereof, her husband cannot fob her off with Pumpkins for Musmillions; but she'l easily perceive whether she be decreasing or increasing in her estate. So that if her husband might come to dy, and she be left a Widow with several children, she can immediately see and understand in what posture her affairs stands, and whether she be gotten forward or gone backward in the World.

And what's more yet, it would be a great shame for a Woman, who hath alwaies been so highly respected by her husband; and as it appeared to all the World, was honoured like a Princess; that she should within dores be as servile as a servant; and must be fed out of her husbands hands, just as if she were a wast-all, a sweet-tooth, or gamestress, &c.

With these, and a thousand such like arguments, doth this Plague-Divel know how to puff up the vain humours of the weak Women, to the true pitch of high-mindedness. And on the contrary, is in the mean while busie with flatteries, to stir up the husband to idle imaginations and self-conceitedness; demonstrating unto him, that he is the Lord, and guide of his Wife; created to command her, and she to obey him. That it is most easie to be perceived, what a noble creature Man is, whilest that Woman who is so handsom and haughty, is nevertheless but added unto him as a servant. Therefore if he once admit his Wife into an equality with him; he will then be subject to see that she will be striving for the predominancy: and that it is the greatest curse imaginable in a Country, for Women to Lordize over Men. And for these reasons they ought to be but like the nul in Figures, and to be kept as a Controuler by the Harth, the Pot, and the Spinning-wheel. Whilest they that deliver up to them the keys of the Mony-Chest, are deprived of all their superiority, and like Men unman'd, have only the name but cannot obtain the effect.

In such manner doth as yet this Divel-plaguing Spirit domineer, by clear daylight, in many of the principallest houses and hearts, and makes oftentimes so great a difference and discord about the key of the Cash, that the Cash it self seems to get Eagles Wings, and swiftly flies away. Whilest the husband, perceiving that the Wife seeks to deceive and take the key from him, is alwaies possessed with abhominable suspicions; certainly thinking that she is minded to make some unnecessary thing or other, or to hide some mony from him; which makes him watch her waters so much the stricter; and is not ashamed to give out and make what he hath a mind to for his own pleasure.

And the Wife, perceiving that her husband is so sneaking, and forsooth so circumspect, with subtilety contrives and practises how to make him pay out mony for all what she hath any waies a mind to; by that means making her self Mistriss of the Mony-Chest, beyond his knowledge, though he hath the name, and carries the keys in his Pocket: for if she have a mind to new Stays for her self or daughter; away she goes to a Silk-shop, buies Stuf to her mind, and causeth it to be made as modish as possible may be; and having tried that it fits and pleases her fancy fully; then it is brought home by one or other of her trusty acquaintance, who come at a convenient time appointed, just like some petty Brokester, proffering it forsooth in sale to the Mistriss, and tilling her a relation that it was really made for such a Lady, but that she died whilest it was making; and for that reason it may be had for a very low price; yea, that it is such a cheap bargain, that perhaps the like may not be had again this ten years, &c.

Thus the good wife knows rarely well how to play her part, and begins to reckon how many ells of Stuff, how much for lining, and the making thereof would come to cost: so that her husband, by reason of the cheapness is curious of himself to desire her to try it on; and finally, sees that it fits her, as if it had been made for her. To be short, after much cheapning and bargaining, the price is concluded on, though it be against the husbands stomack, or the Cash wel can bear it; and then the Broker is ordered when she hath such or the like other good bargain to come again, and let them see it.

In this manner the Wife fetches about by the by as much as she can, and hoodwinking her husband e'en as she pleases; for at other times there comes to be sold Table-cloaths, Napkins, and then again Coats, Sheets, Blankets, and all sorts of necessaries for housekeeping and habit, from some Gentlewoman or other that its left to, by the decease of some friend, &c.

Insomuch that the Wife, through the niggardliness of her husband, imbezles away and buies more, then otherwise she would do; making it all her delight and sole pleasure, to blind fold her narrow-soul'd Peep in the Pot, (as she calls him;) although she, by these waies and means, doth jestingly consume her own self. But this belongs also to the Pleasures of Marriage. And if it in the conclusion prove to be a pain, patience is the best remedy.

But be merry, O new married Couple, that you, like unto young Toby, have found out the remedy, how to drive away this Devil-Plaguer of your Wedlock; by living in love and tranquility, equally confiding in each other, desiring no superiority; but with a true cordiality, interchangeably granting, and having each alike freedom of the monies; the Husband hath the keeping and government of the keys, and the Wife wants for no mony; nay hath access also her self to it. Who can doubt but that your family will be blest, and your stock of monies increase.

And that so much the more, because the Husband hates playing at Tables, and the Wife is an enemy to Cards, which hath been the occasion ofttimes on both sides of the consuming much mony, and therefore is little used by some Shopkeepers; leaving that to Gentlemen to lose both time and mony, who therein seek their pastime, delight and pleasure. And this is in like manner imitated by many great Ladies, who are often so cruelly addicted to Card-playing, that they somtimes value not, in one evening, the losing of very great sums, and yet know how to maintain their respects therein very prudently and gallantly; but in the mean while let the Millaner, Linnen-Draper, Tailor, and Shoemaker run most miserably and shamefully after them for moneys from one month to another, ofttimes from one year to another, as if they came begging to them for a peece of bread; and when they do pay them, it must not be taken notice of by their Lords and husbands.

These generally use the greatest violence against the peace of the Family; because this superfluous expence, and liberal disposition of my Lady, is very seldom pleasing to my Lord, who little thought that her Ladiship would have been such a spend-thrift of the Cash.

But since great Lords, as well as other meaner sorts of persons, are shot and pierc'd by one and the same blind Cupid, they are in like manner subject to such casualities of adversities and pleasures; and every one perceives, when it is too late, what kind of election he hath made; just as they do who begin a War, but before its half finished are weary of it. Therefore

To Battel be ye slow, but slower be to Wed, For many do repent, untill that they be dead; But if avoided then, by you it cannot be, A thousand Counsellors will well deserve your Fee.



THE FIFTH PLEASURE.

Of Mens negligence of their affairs; whereby their Antic-tricks and loss of time is discovered.

Verily the Women, being the weakest Vessels, are many times most cruelly impeacht, when the Marriage-Ship sails not well before Wind and Tide: just as if they, to whom is only given the charge of the Family, care of the Kitchin, and nourishment of the Children, were the occasioners of sad casualities and disasters in the Merchandizes and Shop-keepings: When, on the contrary, the negligence of the Men is many times so great, that if the Woman knew not how to carry her self like a prudent Abigail, it would be impossible ever to bring the Ship to a safe harbour, and to free it from Shipwrack, but all things must run to a total destruction.

Many men are free hereof, who are continually using their utmost indeavours, and take their chiefest delight in the promotion of their affairs, by day with their bodies, and at night with their sences, are earnestly busie in contriving them it. Whose main aim is, to live honestly, to get a good name, to shew good examples to their Children and Servants, to leave somthing to their Widows, and never to be a laughing-stock or derision to their enemies. And this manner of diligence makes no labour irksom, no morning too early, nor no evening too late for them.

But others, on the contrary, are so easie humoured, and so negligent of their vocation, that they think its much below the respect of a Man, to be seen whole daies in their houses with their Wives, and about their affairs. Then in such cases, there must, by every one in his calling, be found a multitude of lame excuses, before they can blind the eys of a quick-sighted Woman, or pin it upon her so far, that she perceives not he seeks his pleasure from her, in whom his whole delight ought to be.

If it be Doctor of Physick, he forsooth hath no time to study, because he must go to visit a Patient that hath a violent Ague, to see what operation the Cordial hath done which he ordered him to take yesternight; for if any thing else should come to it, he would certainly be a dead man, &c.

And if you do but trace his paths and Patient, it is by his friend, who yesternight was troubled with a vehement Cellar-Fever; and at the very last, before he went to sleep, took in a swinging bowl of strong liquor; which made his Pulse beat so Feaverish and disorderly the next morning, that he was necessitated, at one draught, to whip off a lusty glass of Wormwood-Wine, (an excellent remedy for the Ague;) and then to walk an hour or two upon it, wherein the Doctor accompanying him, it causes the better operation.

Here now you see the Doctor, and what Ague the Patient hath, what he takes for't, what comes to it, and how dead a man he is. Truly the Doctor hath made as neat a guess at it, as if he had studied long for it. Hang the Books, when a man hath his Art so perfect in his Pate.

For this, the Doctor hath so much good again, when he hath a mind to visit a Patient in Tuttle-street, or St. Jameses Square, this Patient walks along with him for company. And when one hand washes the other in this manner, O then they are both so Silver clean!

Turn you about now to the Counsellors, and see how their Studies are all on Fire, only to be going too and again from one Court to another, to hear, forsooth, this or t'other Cause pleaded, that mightily concerns them, thereby to take their measures accordingly: When to the contrary, it serves to no other purpose then to sell a parcel of Chatwood, and tatle tales, of some brave Practitioners, a great deal worse then women would do; and finally to appoint a place, where in the evening they may accompany their Fraternity at a good glas of Wine.

Under this bundle resorts continually the Shittlecock Excisemen, accompanied with Collectors and Promooters, who are the greatest Bellringers in Taverns, and somtimes, in one evening, spend as much in Rhenish Wine, Oisters and Tobacco; as ten sufficient Families would do in a month. These live without care, and command freely out of a full purse, imagining in themselves that all the Revenues are their own. And if their Wives do, in the least, but peep into their concerns; they presently baptize it with the name of going upon an exploit, to chase a fat Doe, or neatly to attrap some Defrauder. And that this part may have the better gloss, when they come home in the morning, they have their pockets full of mony, which they throw into their wives laps; and tell them that they have attrapped some body, and agreed with them for a great sum of mony, having in part of paiment received this; when to the contrary, it is all the King and Countries mony, only taken out of their Offices. This generally lasts so long, till they are pursued by the Treasurer, and are arrested, and clapt up, or that they prevent it by playing Bankrupt, and in this manner leave a sorrowfull Widow and Children behind them.

By these the Foolwise Notary's for the most part join themselves; making their Wives beleeve that they are sent for into this or t'other Alehouse or Tavern, about an Excise-mans business; or to write a Will, or a Contract of agreement of Merchandize; though it be to no other end or purpose then to have a perfect knowledge who plaies best at Ticktack, Irish, Backgammon, Passage, or All-fours. From thence then they cannot come before it be late in the night, and have learnt there to make a Scotch Will so wel, that they are, by two witnesses, half carried, and half trail'd home to their houses; bragging still, that they have had Wine and Beer, and received mony into the bargain. Thus all things is baptized with the name of having earnest business.

The like knowledge have also the Merchants, Shop-keepers, and others who love company, to alledge for their excuses and defence; but the most fashionable, give it the name of going to a sale of some Lands and Houses, Parts of Ships, Merchandizes, Shop-Wares, Meetings, or Arbitrations. Though many times, in more then a month, there hath not been the least sale of any of the aforenamed Commodities, or occasion for any such sort of businesses.

And verily whom do you see sooner or later at the Exchange then these sort of people? And 'tis no wonder: for since they indeavour not to have the name of brave Negotiants, their principallest aim is to obtain the name of great News-mongers, and that hath so much tittle-tattle in it, that it requires a person free from all affairs and business to be imploied therein.

Here you may perceive them to be the most diligent of all others, oftner inquiring what tidings there are in the French, English, and Flanders Letters; then to know what news from the Seas, concerning the arrivall or loss of Ships, or what Merchandizes, Commodities and Wares, are risen or fallen in price.

Nevertheless these make the greatest bawling and scolding at their Wives, if they have not their Dinners made ready for them precisely an hour before Change-time, just as if the main weight of all the Traffick and Negotiation at Change, lay upon their shoulders; though it only tends to follow the train, and to hear some news, or to seek some Pot-Companions.

These Blades will be sure also, in the Winter time by four, and in the Summer time by six a clock in the evening, to be precisely at the Coffe-houses; where, under the taking of a pipe of pure Spanish Tobacco, some dishes of Coffe, Chocolate, Sherbate, or Limonado, there is a relation made of the newest tidings, or what is most remarkable of things that have hapned here or there. They hear there no clock strike, nor think upon Wives, Children, or Servants, though it were never so late.

There's another sort of Men, that do not frequent the Exchange, and go out only about their Shop affairs, these we see taking their pleasures for several hours together at Queenhithe and other places, with selling of chatwood; and when they are a weary with walking and talking, away they go to the Plume of Feathers to rest themselves, and call for half a pint, or a pint of Sack, and some to the Strong Water Shop, and drink a quartern of Cinamon water, Clove-water, or Aqua mirabilis.