 |
Bar.
Ye say true, A very honest mind, and make it rich too; Rich, wondrous rich, but where shall I raise these moneys, About your house? I see no such great promises; Where shall I find these sums?
Die.
Even where you please, Sir, You are wise and provident, and know business, Ev'n raise 'em where you shall think good, I am reasonable.
Bar.
Think good? will that raise thousands? What do you make me?
Die.
You have sworn to see it done, that's all my comfort.
Bar.
Where I please? this is pack'd sure to disgrace me.
Die.
Ye are just, and honest, and I know you will do it, Ev'n where you please, for you know where the wealth is.
Bar.
I am abused, betrayed, I am laugh'd at, scorn'd, Baffl'd, and boared, it seems.
Ars.
No, no, ye are fooled.
Lop.
Most finely fooled, and handsomely, and neatly, Such cunning Masters must be fool'd sometimes, Sir, And have their Worships noses wiped, 'tis healthful, We are but quit: you fool us of our moneys In every Cause, in every Quiddit wipe us.
Die.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, some more drink, for my heart, Gentlemen. This merry Lawyer—ha, ha, ha, ha, this Scholar— I think this fit will cure me: this Executor— I shall laugh out my Lungs.
Bar.
This is derision above sufferance, villany Plotted and set against me.
Die.
Faith 'tis Knavery, In troth I must confess, thou art fool'd indeed, Lawyer.
Mil.
Did you think, had this man been rich—
Bar.
'Tis well, Sir.
Mil.
He would have chosen such a Wolf, a Canker, A Maggot-pate, to be his whole Executor?
Lop.
A Lawyer, that entangles all mens honesties, And lives like a Spider in a Cobweb lurking, And catching at all Flies, that pass his pit-falls? Puts powder to all States, to make 'em caper? Would he trust you? Do you deserve?
Die.
I find, Gentlemen, This Cataplasm of a well cozen'd Lawyer Laid to my stomach, lenifies my Feaver, Methinks I could eat now, and walk a little.
Bar.
I am asham'd to feel how flat I am cheated, How grossly, and maliciously made a May-game, A damned trick; my Wife, my Wife, some Rascal: My Credit, and my Wife, some lustful Villain, Some Bawd, some Rogue.
Ars.
Some crafty Fool has found ye: This 'tis, Sir, to teach ye to be too busie, To covet all the gains, and all the rumours, To have a stirring Oare in all mens actions.
Lop.
We did this, but to vex your fine officiousness.
Bar.
Good yield ye, and good thank ye: I am fooled, Gentlemen; The Lawyer is an Ass, I do confess it, A weak dull shallow Ass: good even to your Worships: Vicar, remember Vicar, Rascal, remember, Thou notable rich Rascal.
Die.
I do remember, Sir, 'Pray ye stay a little, I have ev'n two Legacies To make your mouth up, Sir.
Bar.
Remember Varlets, Quake and remember, Rogues; I have brine for your Buttocks.
[Exit.
Lop.
Oh how he frets, and fumes now like a Dunghil!
Die.
His gall contains fine stuff now to make poysons, Rare damned stuff.
Ars.
Let's after him, and still vex him, And take my Friend off: by this time he has prosper'd, He cannot lose this dear time: 'tis impossible.
Mil.
Well Diego, thou hast done.
Lop.
Hast done it daintily.
Mil.
And shalt be as well paid, Boy—
Ars.
Go, let's crucifie him.
[Exeunt.
SCENA VI.
Enter Amaranta, Leandro.
Lean.
I have told ye all my story, and how desperately.
Ama.
I do believe: let's walk on, time is pretious, Not to be spent in words, here no more wooing, The open Air's an enemy to Lovers, Do as I tell ye.
Lean.
I'le do any thing, I am so over-[joy'd], I'le fly to serve ye.
Am.
Take your joy moderately, as it is ministred, And as the cause invites: that man's a fool That at the sight o'th' Bond, dances and leaps, Then is the true joy, when the mony comes.
Lean.
You cannot now deny me.
Ama. Nay, you know not, Women have crotchets, and strange fits.
Lean.
You shall not.
Ama.
Hold ye to that and swear it confidently, Then I shall make a scruple to deny ye: 'Pray ye let's step in, and see a friend of mine, The weather's sharp: we'll stay but half an hour, We may be miss'd else: a private fine house 'tis, Sir, And we may find many good welcomes.
Lean.
Do Lady, Do happy Lady.
Ama.
All your mind's of doing, You must be modester.
Lean.
I will be any thing.
[Exeunt.
SCENA VII.
Enter Bartolus.
Bar.
Open the doors, and give me room to chafe in Mine own room, and my liberty: why Maid there, Open I say, and do not anger me, I am subject to much fury: when, ye Dish-clout? When do ye come? asleep ye lazie Hell-hound? Nothing intended, but your ease, and eating? No body here? why Wife, why Wife? why Jewel? No tongue to answer me? pre'thee, good Pupil, Dispense a little with thy careful study, And step to th' door, and let me in; nor he neither? Ha! not at's study? nor asleep? nor no body? I'le make ye hear: the house of ignorance, No sound inhabits here: I have a Key yet That commands all: I fear I am Metamorphiz'd.
Enter Lopez, Arsenio, Milanes, Diego.
Lop.
He keeps his fury still, and may do mischief.
Mil.
He shall be hang'd first, we'll be sticklers there, boys.
Die.
The hundred thousand Dreams now, that possess him Of jealousie, and of revenge, and frailtie, Of drawing Bills against us, and Petitions.
Lop.
And casting what his credit shall recover.
Mil.
Let him cast till his Maw come up, we care not. You shall be still secured. [A great noise within.
Die.
We'll pay him home then; Hark what a noise he keeps within!
Lop.
Certain H'as set his Chimneys o' fire, or the Devil roars there.
Die.
The Codixes o'th' Law are broke loose, Gentlemen.
Ars.
He's fighting sure.
Die. I'le tell ye that immediately—
[Exit.
Mil.
Or doing some strange out-rage on himself.
Ars.
Hang him, he dares not be so valiant.
Enter
Diego.
Die.
There's no body at home, and he chafes like a Lyon, And stinks withal. [Noise still. Lop. No body?
Die.
Not a Creature, Nothing within, but he and his Law-tempest, The Ladles, Dishes, Kettles, how they flie all! And how the Glasses through the Rooms!
Enter Bartolus.
Ars.
My friend sure Has got her out, and now he has made an end on't.
Lop.
See where the Sea comes? how it foams, and brustles? The great Leviathan o'th' Law, how it tumbles?
Bar.
Made every way an Ass? abus'd on all sides? And from all quarters, people come to laugh at me? Rise like a Comet, to be wonder'd at? A horrid Comet, for Boys tongues, and Ballads? I will run from my wits.
Enter Amaranta, Leandro.
Ars.
Do, do, good Lawyer, And from thy mony too, then thou wilt be quiet.
Mil.
Here she comes home: now mark the salutations; How like an Ass my friend goes?
Ars.
She has pull'd his ears down.
Bar.
Now, what sweet voyage? to what Garden, Lady? Or to what Cousins house?
Ama.
Is this my welcome? I cannot go to Church, but thus I am scandal'd, Use no devotion for my soul, but Gentlemen—
Bar.
To Church?
Amar.
Yes, and ye keep sweet youths to wait upon me, Sweet bred-up youths, to be a credit to me. There's your delight again, pray take him to ye, He never comes near me more to debase me.
Bar.
How's this? how's this? good wife, how, has he wrong'd ye?
Ama.
I was fain to drive him like a sheep before me, I blush to think how people fleer'd, and scorn'd me. Others have handsome men, that know behaviour, Place, and observance: this silly thing knows nothing, Cannot tell ten; let every Rascal justle me, And still I push'd him on as he had been coming. Bar. Ha! did ye push him on? is he so stupid?
Ama.
When others were attentive to the Priest, Good devout Gentleman, then fell he fast, Fast, sound asleep: then first began the Bag-pipes, The several stops on's nose made a rare musick, A rare and loud, and those plaid many an Anthem. Put out of that, he fell straight into dreaming.
Ars.
As cunning, as she is sweet; I like this carriage.
Bar.
What did he then?
Ama.
Why then he talked in his Sleep too, Nay, I'le divulge your moral vertues (sheeps-face) And talk'd aloud, that every ear was fixt to him: Did not I suffer (do you think) in this time? Talk of your bawling Law, of appellations Of Declarations, and Excommunications: Warrants, and Executions: and such Devils That drove all the Gentlemen out o'th' Church, by hurryes, With execrable oaths, they would never come there again. Thus am I served and man'd.
Lean.
I pray ye forgive me, I must confess I am not fit to wait upon ye: Alas, I was brought up—
Ama.
To be an Asse, A Lawyers Asse, to carry Books, and Buckrams.
Bar.
But what did you at Church?
Lop.
At Church, did you ask her? Do you hear Gentlemen, do you mark that question? Because you are half an Heretick your self, Sir, Would ye breed her too? this shall to the Inquisition, A pious Gentlewoman reproved for praying? I'le see this filed, and you shall hear further, Sir.
Ars.
Ye have an ill heart.
Lop.
It shall be found out, Gentlemen, There be those youths will search it.
Die.
You are warm Signiour, But a Faggot will warm ye better: we are witnesses.
Lop.
Enough to hang him, do not doubt.
Mil.
Nay certain, I do believe h'as rather no Religion.
Lop.
That must be known too, because she goes to Church, Sir? O monstrum infirme ingens!
Die.
Let him go on, Sir, His wealth will build a Nunnery, a fair one, And this good Lady, when he is hang'd and rotten, May there be Abbess.
Bar.
You are cozen'd, honest Gentlemen, I do not forbid the use but the form, mark me.
Lop.
Form? what do you make of form?
Bar.
They will undo me, Swear, as I oft have done, and so betray me; I must make fair way, and hereafter, Wife, You are welcome home, and henceforth take your pleasure, Go when ye shall think fit, I will not hinder ye, My eyes are open now, and I see my errour, My shame, as great as that, but I must hide it. The whole conveyance now I smell, but Basta, Another time must serve: you see us friends, now Heartily friends, and no more chiding, Gentlemen, I have been too foolish, I confess, no more words, No more, sweet Wife.
Ama.
You know my easie nature.
Bar.
Go get ye in: you see she has been angry: Forbear her sight a while and time will pacify; And learn to be more bold.
Lean.
I would I could, I will do all I am able.
[Exit.
Bar.
Do Leandro, We will not part, but friends of all hands.
Lop.
Well said, Now ye are reasonable, we can look on ye.
Bar.
Ye have jerkt me: but for all that I forgive ye, Forgive ye heartily, and do invite ye To morrow to a Breakfast, I make but seldom, But now we will be merry.
Ars.
Now ye are friendly, Your doggedness and niggardize flung from ye. And now we will come to ye.
Bar.
Give me your hands, all; You shall be welcome heartily.
Lop.
We will be, For we'll eat hard.
Bar.
The harder, the more welcome, And till the morning farewell; I have business.
[Exit.
Mil.
Farewel good bountiful Bartolus, 'tis a brave wench, A suddain witty thief, and worth all service: Go we'll all go, and crucifie the Lawyer.
Die.
I'le clap four tire of teeth into my mouth more But I will grind his substance.
Ars.
Well Leandro, Thou hast had a strange Voyage, but I hope Thou rid'st now in safe harbour.
Mil.
Let's go drink, Friends, And laugh aloud at all our merry may-games.
Lop.
A match, a match, 'twill whet our stomachs better.
[Exeunt.
Actus Quintus. Scena Prima.
Enter Violante and Servant.
Ser.
Madam, he's come. [Chair and stools out.
Viol.
'Tis well, how did he look, When he knew from whom you were sent? was he not startled? Or confident? or fearful?
Ser.
As appear'd Like one that knew his fortune at the worst, And car'd not what could follow.
Viol.
'Tis the better, Reach me a Chair: so, bring him in, be careful That none disturb us: I will try his temper, And if I find him apt for my employments,
Enter Jamie, Servant.
I'le work him to my ends; if not, I shall Find other Engines.
Ser.
There's my Lady.
Viol.
Leave us.
Jam.
You sent for me?
Viol.
I did, and do's the favour, Your present state considered and my power, Deserve no greater Ceremony?
Jam.
Ceremonie? I use to pay that where I owe a duty, Not to my Brothers wife: I cannot fawn, If you expect it from me, you are cozen'd, And so farewel.
Viol.
He bears up still; I like it. Pray you a word.
Jam.
Yes, I will give you hearing On equal terms, and sit by you as a friend, But not stand as a Sutor: Now your pleasure?
Viol.
You are very bold.
Jam.
'Tis fit: since you are proud, I was not made to feed that foolish humour, With flattery and observance.
Viol.
Yet, with your favour, A little form joyn'd with respect to her, That can add to your wants, or free you from 'em (Nay raise you to a fate, beyond your hopes) Might well become your wisdom.
Jam.
It would rather Write me a Fool, should I but only think That any good to me could flow from you, Whom for so many years I have found and prov'd My greatest Enemy: I am still the same, My wants have not transform'd me: I dare tell you, To your new cerus'd face, what I have spoken Freely behind your back, what I think of you, You are the proudest thing, and have the least Reason to be so that I ever read of. In stature you are a Giantess: and your Tailor Takes measure of you with a Jacobs Staff, Or he can never reach you, this by the way For your large size: now, in a word or two, To treat of your Complexion were decorum: You are so far from fair, I doubt your Mother Was too familiar with the Moor that serv'd her, Your Limbs and Features I pass briefly over, As things not worth description; and come roundly To your Soul, if you have any; for 'tis doubtful. Viol. I laugh at this, proceed.
Jam.
This Soul I speak of, Or rather Salt to keep this heap of flesh From being a walking stench, like a large Inn, Stands open for the entertainment of All impious practices: but there's no Corner An honest thought can take up: and as it were not Sufficient in your self to comprehend All wicked plots, you have taught the Fool, my Brother, By your contagion, almost to put off The nature of the man, and turn'd him Devil, Because he should be like you, and I hope Will march to Hell together: I have spoken, And if the Limning you in your true Colours Can make the Painter gracious, I stand ready For my reward, or if my words distaste you, I weigh it not, for though your Grooms were ready To cut my Throat for't, be assur'd I cannot Use other Language.
Viol.
You think you have said now, Like a brave fellow: in this Womans War You ever have been train'd: spoke big, but suffer'd Like a tame Ass; and when most spur'd and gall'd Were never Master of the Spleen or Spirit, That could raise up the anger of a man, And force it into action.
Jam.
Yes, vile Creature, Wer't thou a subject worthy of my Sword, Or that thy death, this moment, could call home My banish'd hopes, thou now wer't dead; dead, woman; But being as thou art, it is sufficient I scorn thee, and contemn thee.
Viol.
This shews nobly, I must confess it: I am taken with it, For had you kneel'd and whin'd and shew'd a base And low dejected mind, I had despis'd you. This bravery (in your adverse fortune) conquers And do's command me, and upon the suddain I feel a kind of pity, growing in me, For your misfortunes, pity some say's the Parent, Of future love, and I repent my part So far in what you have suffered, that I could (But you are cold) do something to repair What your base Brother (such Jamie I think him) Hath brought to ruine.
Jam.
Ha?
Viol.
Be not amaz'd, Our injuries are equal in his Bastard, You are familiar with what I groan for, And though the name of Husband holds a tye Beyond a Brother, I, a poor weak Woman, Am sensible, and tender of a wrong, And to revenge it would break through all lets, That durst oppose me.
Jam.
Is it possible?
Viol.
By this kiss: start not: thus much, as a stranger You may take from me; but, if you were pleas'd, I should select you as a bosom friend, I would print 'em thus, and thus.
Jam.
Keep off.
Viol.
Come near, Near into the Cabinet of my Counsels: Simplicity and patience dwell with Fools, And let them bear those burthens, which wise men Boldly shake off; be mine and joyn with me, And when that I have rais'd you to a fortune, (Do not deny your self the happy means) You'll look on me with more judicious eyes And swear I am most fair.
Jam.
What would this Woman? The purpose of these words? speak not in riddles, And when I understand, what you would counsel, My answer shall be suddain.
Viol.
Thus then Jamie, The objects of our fury are the same, For young Ascanio, whom you Snake-like hug'd (Frozen with wants to death) in your warm bosom, Lives to supplant you in your certain hopes, And kills in me all comfort.
Jam.
Now 'tis plain, I apprehend you: and were he remov'd—
Viol.
You, once again, were the undoubted heir.
Jam.
'Tis not to be deny'd; I was ice before, But now ye have fir'd me.—
Viol.
I'le add fuel to it, And by a nearer cut, do you but steer As I direct you, wee'l bring our Bark into The Port of happiness.
Jam.
How?
Viol.
By Henriques death: But you'l say he's your Brother; in great fortunes (Which are epitomes of States and Kingdoms) The politick brook no Rivals.
Jam.
Excellent! For sure I think out of a scrupulous fear, To feed in expectation, when I may (Dispensing but a little with my conscience) Come into full possession, would not argue One that desir'd to thrive.
Viol.
Now you speak like A man that knows the World.
Jam.
I needs must learn That have so good a Tutress: and what think you, (Don Henrique and Ascanio cut off) That none may live, that shall desire to trace us In our black paths, if that Octavio His foster Father, and the sad Jacinta, (Faith pitie her, and free her from her Sorrows) Should fall companions with 'em? When we are red With murther, let us often bath in blood, The colour will be scarlet.
Viol.
And that's glorious, And will protect the fact.
Jam.
Suppose this done: (If undiscovered) we may get for mony, (As that you know buyes any thing in Rome) A dispensation.
Viol.
And be married?
Jam.
True. Or if it be known, truss up our Gold and Jewels, And fly to some free State, and there with scorn—
Viol.
Laugh at the laws of Spain. 'Twere admirable.
Jam.
We shall beget rare children. I am rapt with The meer imagination.—
Viol.
Shall it be done?
Jam.
Shall? 'tis too tedious: furnish me with means To hire the instruments, and to your self Say it is done already: I will shew you, E're the Sun set, how much you have wrought upon me, Your province is only to use some means, To send my Brother to the Grove that's neighbour To the west Port of th' City; leave the rest To my own practice; I have talk'd too long, But now will doe: this kiss, with my Confession, To work a fell revenge: a man's a fool, If not instructed in a Womans School.
[Exeunt.
SCENA II.
Enter Bartolus, Algazeirs, and a Paratour.
The Table set out and stools.
Bar.
You are well enough disguiz'd, furnish the Table, Make no shew what ye are, till I discover: Not a soul knows ye here: be quick and diligent, These youths I have invited to a Breakfast, But what the Sawce will be, I am of opinion I shall take off the edges of their Appetites, And grease their gums for eating heartily This month or two, they have plaid their prizes with me, And with their several flurts they have lighted dangerously, But sure I shall be quit: I hear 'em coming. Go off and wait the bringing in your service, And do it handsomely: you know where to have it.
Enter Milanes, Arsenio, Lopez, Diego.
Welcom i' Faith.
Ars.
That's well said, honest Lawyer.
Lop.
Said like a neighbour.
Bar.
Welcom all: all over, And let's be merry.
Mil.
To that end we came Sir, An hour of freedome's worth an age of juglings.
Die.
I am come too Sir, to specifie my Stomach A poor reteiner to your worships bountie.
Bar.
And thou shalt have it fill'd my merry Diego, My liberal, and my bonny bounteous Diego, Even fill'd till it groan again.
Die.
Let it have fair play, And if it founder then.—
Bar.
I'le tell ye neighbours, Though I were angry yesterday with ye all, And very angry, for methought ye bob'd me.
Lop.
No, no, by no means.
Bar.
No, when I considered It was a jest, and carried off so quaintly, It made me merry: very merry, Gentlemen, I do confess I could not sleep to think on't, The mirth so tickled me, I could not slumber.
Lop.
Good mirth do's work so: honest mirth, Now, should we have meant in earnest—
Bar.
You say true neighbour.
Lop.
It might have bred such a distast and sowrness, Such fond imaginations in your Brains, Sir, For things thrust home in earnest.—
Bar.
Very certain, But I know ye all for merry waggs, and ere long You shall know me too in another fashion, Though y'are pamper'd, ye shall bear part o'th' burthen.
Enter Amaranta, and Leandro.
Come wife; Come bid 'em welcom; Come my Jewel: And Pupil, you shall come too; ne're hang backward, Come, come the woman's pleas'd, her anger's over, Come, be not bashfull.
Am.
What do's he prepare here? Sure there's no meat i'th' house, at least not drest, Do's he mean to mock 'em? or some new bred crotchet Come o're his brains; I do not like his kindness: But silence best becomes me: if he mean foul play, Sure they are enough to right themselves, and let 'em, I'le sit by, so they beat him not to powder.
Bar.
Bring in the meat there, ha? Sit down dear neighbour, A little meat needs little Complement, Sit down I say.
Am.
What do you mean by this Sir?
Bar.
Convey away their weapons handsomely.
Am.
You know there's none i'th' house to answer ye, But the poor Girle; you know there's no meat neither.
Bar.
Peace and be quiet; I shall make you smoak else, There's men and meat enough, set it down formally.
Enter Algazeirs, with dishes.
Am.
I fear some lewd trick, yet I dare not speak on't.
Bar.
I have no dainties for ye Gentlemen, Nor loads of meat, to make the room smell of 'em. Only a dish to every man I have dedicated, And if I have pleas'd his appetite.
Lop.
O, a Capon, A Bird of grace, and be thy will, I honour it.
Die.
For me some fortie pound of lovely Beef, Plac'd in a mediterranean sea of Brewis.
Bar.
Fall to, fall to, that we may drink and laugh after, Wait diligently knaves.
Mil.
What rare bit's this? An execution! bless me!
Bar.
Nay take it to ye, There's no avoiding it, 'tis somewhat tough Sir, But a good stomach will endure it easily, The sum is but a thousand duckets Sir.
Ars.
A Capias from my Surgeon, and my Silk-man!
Bar.
Your carefull makers, but they have mar'd your diet. Stir not, your Swords are gone: there's no avoiding me, And these are Algazeirs, do you hear that passing bell?
Lop.
A strong Citation, bless me!
Bar.
Out with your Beads, Curate, The Devil's in your dish: bell, book, and Candle.
Lop.
A warrant to appear before the Judges! I must needs rise, and turn to th' wall.
Bar.
Ye need not, Your fear I hope will make ye find your Breeches.
All.
We are betrai'd.
Bar.
Invited do not wrong me, Fall to, good Guests, you have diligent men about ye, Ye shall want nothing that may persecute ye, These will not see ye start; Have I now found ye? Have I requited ye? You fool'd the Lawyer, And thought it meritorious to abuse him, A thick ram-headed knave: you rid, you spur'd him, And glorified your wits, the more ye wronged him; Within this hour ye shall have all your Creditours, A second dish of new debts, come upon ye, And new invitements to the whip, Don Diego, And Excommunications for the learned Curate, A Masque of all your furies shall dance to ye.
Ars.
You dare not use us thus?
Bar.
You shall be bob'd, Gentlemen, Stir, and as I have a life, ye goe to prison, To prison, without pitie instantly, Before ye speak another word to prison. I have a better Guard without, that waits; Do you see this man, Don Curate? 'tis a Paratour That comes to tell ye a delightfull story Of an old whore ye have, and then to teach ye What is the penaltie; Laugh at me now Sir, What Legacie would ye bequeath me now, (And pay it on the nail?) to fly my fury?
Lop.
O gentle Sir.
Bar.
Do'st thou hope I will be gentle, Thou foolish unconsiderate Curate?
Lop.
Let me goe Sir.
Bar.
I'le see thee hang first.
Lop.
And as I am a true Vicar, Hark in your ear, hark softly—
Bar.
No, no bribery. I'le have my swindge upon thee; Sirra? Rascal? You Lenten Chaps, you that lay sick, and mockt me, Mockt me abominably, abused me lewdly, I'le make thee sick at heart, before I leave thee, And groan, and dye indeed, and be worth nothing, Not worth a blessing, nor a Bell to knell for thee, A sheet to cover thee, but that thou Stealest, Stealest from the Merchant, and the Ring he was buried with Stealest from his Grave, do you smell me now?
Die.
Have mercy on me!
Bar.
No Psalm of mercy shall hold me from hanging thee. How do ye like your Breakfast? 'tis but short, Gentlemen, But sweet and healthfull; Your punishment, and yours, Sir, For some near reasons that concern my Credit, I will take to my self.
Am.
Doe Sir, and spare not: I have been too good a wife, and too obedient, But since ye dare provoke me to be foolish—
Lea.
She has, yes, and too worthie of your usage, Before the world I justifie her goodness, And turn that man, that dares but taint her vertues, To my Swords point; that lying man, that base man, Turn him, but face to face, that I may know him.
Bar.
What have I here?
Lea.
A Gentleman, a free man, One that made trial of this Ladies constancie, And found it strong as fate; leave off your fooling, For if you follow this course, you will be Chronicled.
Enter Jamy and Assistant.
For a devil, whilst a Saint she is mentioned, You know my name indeed; I am now no Lawyer.
Die.
Some comfort now, I hope, or else would I were hanged up. And yet the Judge, he makes me sweat.
Bar.
What news now?
Jam.
I will justifie upon my life and credit What you have heard, for truth, and will make proof of.
Assist.
I will be ready at the appointed hour there, And so I leave ye.
Bar.
Stay I beseech your worship, And do but hear me.
Jam.
Good Sir, intend this business, And let this bawling fool, no more words lawyer, And no more angers, for I guess your reasons, This Gentleman, I'le justifie in all places, And that fair Ladies worth; let who dare cross it. The Plot was cast by me, to make thee jealous, But not to wrong your wife, she is fair and vertuous.
Die.
Take us to mercy too, we beseech your honour, We shall be justified the way of all flesh else.
Jam.
No more talk, nor no more dissention lawyer, I know your anger, 'tis a vain and slight one, For if you doe, I'le lay your whole life open, A life that all the world shall—I'le bring witness, And rip before a Judge the ulcerous villanies, You know I know ye, and I can bring witness.
Bar.
Nay good Sir, noble Sir.
Jam.
Be at peace then presently, Immediatley take honest and fair truce With your good wife, and shake hands with that Gentleman; H'as honour'd ye too much, and doe it cheerfully.
Lop. Take us along, for Heaven sake too.
Bar.
I am friends, There is no remedie, I must put up all, And like my neighbours rub it out by th' shoulders, And perfect friends; Leandro now I thank ye, And there's my hand, I have no more grudge to ye, But I am too mean henceforward for your Companie.
Lea.
I shall not trouble ye.
Ars.
We will be friends too.
Mil.
Nay Lawyer, you shall not fright us farther, For all your devils we will bolt.
Bar.
I grant ye, The Gentleman's your Bail, and thank his coming, Did not he know me too well, you should smart for't; Goe all in peace, but when ye fool next, Gentlemen, Come not to me to Breakfast.
Die.
I'le be bak'd first.
Bar.
And pray ye remember, when ye are bold and merry, The Lawyers Banquet, and the Sawce he gave ye.
Jam.
Come: goe along; I have employment for ye, Employment for your lewd brains too, to cool ye, For all, for every one.
All.
We are all your Servants.
Die.
All, all for any thing, from this day forward I'le hate all Breakfasts, and depend on dinners.
Jam.
I am glad you come off fair.
Lea.
The fair has blest me.
[Exeunt.
SCENA III.
Enter Octavi[o], Jacinta, [Ascanio].
Oct.
This is the place, but why we are appointed By Don Jamie to stay here, is a depth I cannot sound.
Asc.
Believ't he is too noble To purpose any thing but for our good. Had I assurance of a thousand lives, And with them perpetuitie of pleasure, And should lose all, if he prov'd only false, Yet I durst run the hazard.
Jac.
'Tis our comfort, We cannot be more wretched than we are, And death concludes all misery.
Oct.
Undiscovered
Enter Henrique, Jamie.
We must attend him.
Asc.
Our stay is not long. With him Don Henrique?
Jac.
Now I fear; Be silent.
Hen.
Why dost thou follow me?
Jam.
To save your life, A plot is laid for't, all my wrongs forgot, I have a Brothers Love.
Hen.
But thy false self I fear no enemy.
Jam.
You have no friend, But what breathes in me: If you move a step Beyond this ground you tread on, you are lost.
Hen.
'Tis by thy practice then: I am sent hither To meet her, that prefers my life and safetie Before her own.
Jam.
That you should be abus'd thus With weak credulitie! She for whose sake You have forgot we had one noble Father, Or that one Mother bare us, for whose love You brake a contract to which heaven was witness, To satisfie whose pride and wilfull humour You have expos'd a sweet and hopefull Son To all the miseries that want can bring him, And such a Son, though you are most obdurate, To give whom entertainment Savages Would quit their Caves themselves, to keep him from Bleak cold and hunger: This dissembling woman, This Idol, whom you worship, all your love And service trod under her feet, designs you To fill a grave, or dead to lye a prey For Wolves and Vulturs.
Hen.
'Tis false; I defie thee, And stand upon my Guard.
Enter Leandro, Milanes, Arsenio, Bart, Lopez, Diego, Octavio, Jacinta, Ascanio, and Servants.
Jam.
Alas, 'tis weak: Come on, since you will teach me to be cruel, By having no faith in me, take your fortune, Bring the rest forth, and bind them fast.
Oct.
My Lord.
Asc.
In what have we offended?
Jam.
I am deaf, And following my will, I do not stand Accomptable to reason: See her Ring (The first pledge of your love, and service to her) Deliver'd as a Warrant for your death: These Bags of gold you gave up to her trust, (The use of which you did deny your self) Bestow'd on me, and with a prodigal hand, Whom she pick'd forth to be the Architect Of her most bloudy building; and to fee These Instruments, to bring Materials To raise it up, she bad me spare no cost, And (as a surplusage) offer'd her self To be at my devotion.
Hen.
O accurs'd!
Jam.
But be incredulous still; think this my plot; Fashion excuses to your self, and swear That she is innocent, that she doats on ye; Believe this, as a fearfull Dream, and that You lie not at my mercy, which in this I will shew only: She her self shall give The dreadfull Sentence, to remove all scruple Who 'tis that sends you to the other world.
Enter Violante.
Appears my Violante? speak (my dearest) Do's not the object please you?
Viol.
More than if All treasure that's above the earth, with that, That lyes conceal'd in both the Indian Mines, Were laid down at my feet: O bold Jamy, Thou only canst deserve me.
Jam.
I am forward, And (as you easily may perceive,) I sleep not On your commands.
Enter Assistant, and Officers.
Viol.
But yet they live: I look'd To find them dead.
Jam.
That was deferr'd, that you Might triumph in their misery, and have the power To say they are not.
Viol.
'Twas well thought upon: This kiss, and all the pleasures of my Bed This night, shall thank thee.
Hen.
Monster!
Viol.
You Sir, that Would have me Mother Bastards, being unable To honour me with one Child of mine own, That underneath my roof, kept your cast-Strumpet, And out of my Revenues would maintain Her riotous issue: now you find what 'tis To tempt a woman: with as little feeling As I turn off a slave, that is unfit To doe me service; or a horse, or dog That have out-liv'd their use, I shake thee off, To make thy peace with heaven.
Hen.
I do deserve this, And never truly felt before, what sorrow Attends on wilfull dotage.
Viol.
For you, Mistris, That had the pleasure of his youth before me, And triumph'd in the fruit that you had by him, But that I think, to have the Bastard strangled Before thy face, and thou with speed to follow The way he leads thee, is sufficient torture, I would cut off thy nose, put out thine eyes, And set my foot on these bewitching lips, That had the start of mine: but as thou art, Goe to the grave unpitied.
Assist.
Who would believe Such rage could be in woman?
Viol.
For this fellow, He is not worth my knowledge.
Jam.
Let him live then, Since you esteem him innocent.
Viol.
No Jamy, He shall make up the mess: now strike together, And let them fall so.
Assist.
Unheard of crueltie! I can endure no longer: seise on her.
Viol.
Am I betrai'd? Is this thy faith, Jamy?
Jam.
Could your desires Challenge performance of a deed so horrid? Or, though that you had sold your self to hell, I should make up the bargain? Live (dear Brother) Live long, and happy: I forgive you freely; To have done you this service, is to me A fair Inheritance: and how e're harsh language (Call'd on by your rough usage) pass'd my lips, In my heart I ever lov'd you: all my labours Were but to shew, how much your love was cozen'd, When it beheld it self in this false Glass, That did abuse you; and I am so far From envying young Ascanio his good fortune, That if your State were mine, I would adopt him, These are the Murtherers my noble friends, Which (to make trial of her bloudy purpose) I won, to come disguis'd thus.
Hen.
I am too full Of grief, and shame to speak: but what I'le doe, Shall to the world proclaim my penitence; And howsoever I have liv'd, I'le die A much chang'd man.
Jam.
Were it but possible You could make satisfaction to this woman, Our joyes were perfect.
Hen.
That's my only comfort, That it is in my power: I ne're was married To this bad woman, though I doted on her, But daily did defer it, still expecting When grief would kill Jacintha.
Assist.
All is come out, And finds a fair success: take her Don Henrique, And once again embrace your Son.
Hen.
Most gladly.
Assist.
Your Brother hath deserv'd all.
Hen.
And shall share The moitie of my State.
Assist.
I have heard, advocate, What an ill Instrument you have been to him, From this time strengthen him with honest counsels, As you'le deserve my pardon.
Bar.
I'le change my Copy: But I am punish'd, for I fear I have had A smart blow, though unseen.
Assist.
Curate, and Sexton, I have heard of you too, let me hear no more, And what's past, is forgotten; For this woman, Though her intent were bloody, yet our Law Calls it not death: yet that her punishment May deter others from such bad attempts, The dowry she brought with her, shall be emploi'd To build a Nunnery, where she shall spend The remnant of her life.
Viol.
Since I have miss'd my ends, I scorn what can fall on me.
Assist.
The strict discipline Of the Church, will teach you better thoughts. And Signiors, You that are Batchelours, if you ever marry, In Bartolus you may behold the issue Of Covetousness and Jealousie; and of dotage, And falshood in Don Henrique: keep a mean then; For be assured, that weak man meets all ill, That gives himself up to a womans will.
[Exeunt.
* * * * *
Prologue.
To tell ye (Gentlemen,) we have a Play, A new one too, and that 'tis launch'd to day, The Name ye know, that's nothing to my Story; To tell ye, 'tis familiar, void of Glory, Of State, of Bitterness: of wit you'll say, For that is now held wit, that tends that way, Which we avoid: To tell ye too 'tis merry, And meant to make ye pleasant, and not weary: The Stream that guides ye, easie to attend: To tell ye that 'tis good, is to no end, If you believe not. Nay, to goe thus far, To swear it, if you swear against, is war. To assure you any thing, unless you see, And so conceive, is vanity in me; Therefore I leave it to it self, and pray Like a good Bark, it may work out to day, And stem all doubts; 'twas built for such a proof, And we hope highly: if she lye aloof For her own vantage, to give wind at will, Why let her work, only be you but still, And sweet opinion'd, and we are bound to say, You are worthy Judges, and you crown the Play.
* * * * *
Epilogue.
The Play is done, yet our Suit never ends, Still when you part, you would still part our friends, Our noblest friends; if ought have faln amiss, O let it be sufficient, that it is, And you have pardon'd it. In Buildings great All the whole Body cannot be so neat, But something may be mended; Those are fair, And worthy love, that may destroy, but spare.
APPENDIX
Ad Janum
Take Comfort Janus, never feare thy head Which to the quick belongs, not to the dead Thy wife did lye with one, thou being dead drunke Thou are not Cuckold though shee bee a Punke.
Tis not the state nor soveraintie of Jove could draw thy pure affections from my love nor is there Venus in the Skyes could from thy looks with draw my greedy eyes.
THE SPANISH CURATE.
A = First Folio; B = Second Folio.
p. 60, ll. 3-41. Omitted in A. l. 42. A omits] and. l. 46. A] heirs.
p. 61, l. 38. A] Encreasing by. l. 39. B misprints] Vialante.
p. 63, l. 17. A] base and abject.
p. 64, l. 2. A] Or modestie. l. 18. B misprints] whow. l. 31. A] wish that it.
p. 65, l. 17. A] By this example. l. 25. A] or of my.
p. 66, l. 8. A] of mine own. l. 26. A] Mirth, and Seek.
p. 68, l. 2. A] have you.
p. 70, l. 28. A] provoking it call.
p. 73, l. 13. A] To me, of, that misery against my will.
p. 74, l. 33. A omits] as.
p. 75, l. 18. A gives this line to Lean. l. 31. A adds] exit lea. and gives ll. 32 and 33 to Ars.
l. 34. A omits] Exeunt Mil. Ars.
p. 76, l. 29. A comma has been substituted for a full-stop after weathers.
p. 77, l. 25. A] look out it. l. 39. A] has.
p. 79, l. 3. A] often-times. l. 15. B prints] Dig. l. 28. A omits] to. ll. 33 and 34. A gives these lines to Lea.
p. 80, l. 22. B misprints] yesterdy.
p. 82, l. 9. A] still and the. l. 16. A] jealousies.
p. 83, l. 3. B] More.
p. 84, l. 15. A] Gentleman.
p. 86, l. 8. A] be a kin. l. 10. A] 'long.
p. 87, l. 19. A] am both to. l. 23. A] 'Faith.
p. 88, l. 6. A] Y'faith. l. 26. A] ye might.
p. 89, l. 4. A adds] Enter Amaranta. l. 18. B misprints] woman. ll. 21-34. Omitted in A.
p. 90, l. 22. A] lock upon me.
p. 92, l. 25. A adds stage direction] Two chaires set out. l. 28. A omits] are. p. 93, l. 10. A] porrage. l. 23. A] gymitrie.
p. 94, l. 27. A] abed. l. 34. A] I will.
pp. 95 and 96. l. 11 A omits the Song.
p. 96, l. 11. A adds stage direction] The Bar & Book ready on a Table. l. 18. A omits] Exeunt Parishioners. l. 26. A] may he some.
p. 98, l. 6. A omits] and. l. 22. B misprints] Tough.
p. 99, l. 4. A] proaguing.
p. 100, l. 9. A] 'Tis Sessions. l. 16. A] hunch, hunch.
p. 101, l. 8. A] at her. l. 21. A] Had winck'd.
p. 102, l. 29. A adds stage direction] Chess-boord and men set ready.
p. 104, l. 10. A omits] Exit. l. 27. A] That rakes. l. 35. A] Jam. (char.). l. 37. A omits stage direction. l. 40. A omits stage direction.
p. 105, l. 18. A gives this line to Lean.
p. 106, l. 11. A] 'Pre. l. 13. A omits stage direction. l. 16. A] 'Would.
p. 107, l. 32. A] and I thank.
p. 109, l. 1. A] anger. l. 2. A] Why none, Sir.
p. 110, l. 3. B misprints] Hne. l. 17. B misprints] barrneness. l. 34. A] hath blasted.
p. 111, l. 12. A] pontafles.
p. 113, l. 5. A adds stage direction] Bed ready wine, table Standish & Paper.
p. 114, l. 9. A] If ye.
p. 115, l. 29. A and B] Ars.
p. 116, l. 25. A omits] for.
p. 117, l. 3. A adds stage direction] Diego ready in Bed, wine, cup.
p. 118, l. 14. A adds stage direction] Bed thrust out.
p. 120, l. 1. A] Nor preach not Abstinence. l. 2. A] budge.
p. 122, l. 15. A prints Doe you deserve as the beginning of Die's speech.
p. 123, l. 16. A. prints stage direction] Pewter ready for noyse. l. 19. B misprints] joyn'd.
p. 124, l. 10. A] 'pre'thee.
p. 125, l. 9. A] brussels. l. 34. A] fleere.
p. 126, l. 39. A] has.
p. 129, l. 3. A] I doe owe dutie. l. 19. A adds stage direction] A Table ready covered with Cloath Napkins Salt Trenchers and Bread. l. 27. A] cerviz'd.
p. 132, l. 7. A omits] wee'l. l. 12. A adds stage direction] Dishes covered with papers in each ready.
p. 134, l. 11. A has Bar written in the margin, not printed, in the copy collated. l. 36. A] least none drest.
p. 137, l. 9. A] concernes. l. 27. A] gives this line to Lea.
p. 138, l. 16. A] Has.
p. 139, l. 5. B misprints] Octavia ... Arsenio.
p. 143, l. 24. A] deserv'd well.
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