 |
SIR OLIVER. Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you are not a man of many compliments.
CHARLES. Oh, no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best.
SIR OLIVER. Sir, I like you the better for it. However, You are mistaken in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he's an unconscionable dog. Isn't he, Moses? And must sell stock to accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses!
MOSES. Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell a lie!
CHARLES. Right. People that speak truth generally do. But these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought without paying for't!
SIR OLIVER. Well, but what security could you give? You have no land, I suppose?
CHARLES. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the bough pots out of the window!
SIR OLIVER. Nor any stock, I presume?
CHARLES. Nothing but live stock—and that's only a few pointers and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my connections?
SIR OLIVER. Why, to say the truth, I am.
CHARLES. Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle in the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest expectations?
SIR OLIVER. That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell.
CHARLES. Oh, no!—there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm a prodigious favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything.
SIR OLIVER. Indeed! this is the first I've heard of it.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't you, Moses?
MOSES. Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.
SIR OLIVER. Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm at Bengal. [Aside.]
CHARLES. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to you, a post-obit on Sir Oliver's life: though at the same time the old fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.
SIR OLIVER. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me— for I might live to a hundred and never see the principal.
CHARLES. Oh, yes, you would! the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you would come on me for the money.
SIR OLIVER. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever had in your life.
CHARLES. What! I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a life?
SIR OLIVER. No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.
CHARLES. There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no, the climate has hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver. Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I'm told—and is so much altered lately that his nearest relations would not know him.
SIR OLIVER. No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his nearest relations would not know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad—ha! ha! ha!
CHARLES. Ha! ha!—you're glad to hear that, little Premium?
SIR OLIVER. No, no, I'm not.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, you are—ha! ha! ha!—you know that mends your chance.
SIR OLIVER. But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay, some say he is actually arrived.
CHARLES. Psha! sure I must know better than you whether he's come or not. No, no, rely on't he's at this moment at Calcutta. Isn't he, Moses?
MOSES. Oh, yes, certainly.
SIR OLIVER. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I, though I have it from pretty good authority. Haven't I, Moses?
MOSES. Yes, most undoubted!
SIR OLIVER. But, Sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of?
CHARLES. How do you mean?
SIR OLIVER. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind him a great quantity of massy old plate.
CHARLES. O Lud! that's gone long ago. Moses can tell you how better than I can.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Good lack! all the family race-cups and corporation-bowls!—[Aloud.] Then it was also supposed that his library was one of the most valuable and compact.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, so it was—vastly too much so for a private gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition, so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the family like an heir-loom!—[Aloud.] Pray, what has become of the books?
CHARLES. You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for I don't believe even Moses can direct you.
MOSES. I know nothing of books.
SIR OLIVER. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose?
CHARLES. Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above: and if you have a taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a bargain!
SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn't sell your forefathers, would you?
CHARLES. Every man of them, to the best bidder.
SIR OLIVER. What! your great-uncles and aunts?
CHARLES. Ay, and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers too.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Now I give him up!—[Aloud.] What the plague, have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd's life! do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh and blood?
CHARLES. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need you care, if you have your money's worth?
SIR OLIVER. Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the family canvas.—[Aside.] Oh, I'll never forgive him this! never!
Re-enter CARELESS
CARELESS. Come, Charles, what keeps you?
CHARLES. I can't come yet. I'faith, we are going to have a sale above stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ancestors!
CARELESS. Oh, burn your ancestors!
CHARLES. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless, we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer—so come along with us.
CARELESS. Oh, have with you, if that's the case. I can handle a hammer as well as a dice box! Going! going!
SIR OLIVER. Oh, the profligates! [Aside.]
CHARLES. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business?
SIR OLIVER. Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a rare joke to sell one's family by auction—ha! ha!—[Aside.] Oh, the prodigal!
CHARLES. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he get assistance, if he can't make free with his own relations? [Exeunt.]
SIR OLIVER. I'll never forgive him; never! never!
END OF THE THIRD ACT
ACT IV
SCENE I.—A Picture Room in CHARLES SURFACE'S House
Enter CHARLES, SIR OLIVER, MOSES, and CARELESS
CHARLES. Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in;—here they are, the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.
SIR OLIVER. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection.
CHARLES. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait- painting; no volontiere grace or expression. Not like the works of your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance, yet contrive to make your portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original and not hurt the picture. No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate likeness—all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides.
SIR OLIVER. Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.
CHARLES. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. But come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair of my grandfather's will answer the purpose.
CARELESS. Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a hammer; and what's an auctioneer without his hammer?
CHARLES. Egad, that's true. What parchment have we here? Oh, our genealogy in full. [Taking pedigree down.] Here, Careless, you shall have no common bit of mahogany, here's the family tree for you, you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedigree.
SIR OLIVER. What an unnatural rogue!—an ex post facto parricide! [Aside.]
CARELESS. Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed;— faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the business, for 'twill not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, begin—A-going, a-going, a-going!
CHARLES. Bravo, Careless! Well, here's my great uncle, Sir Richard Ravelin, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and got that cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? look at him—there's a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your modern clipped captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be. What do you bid?
SIR OLIVER. [Aside to Moses.] Bid him speak.
MOSES. Mr. Premium would have you speak.
CHARLES. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I'm sure that's not dear for a staff-officer.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten pounds!—[Aloud.] Very well, sir, I take him at that.
CHARLES. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard.—Here, now, is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best manner, and esteemed a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see, a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds ten—the sheep are worth the money.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on herself!—[Aloud.] Five pounds ten—she's mine.
CHARLES. Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here, now, are two that were a sort of cousins of theirs.—You see, Moses, these pictures were done some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.
SIR OLIVER. Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a little lower in those days.
CHARLES. Well, take that couple for the same.
MOSES. 'Tis a good bargain.
CHARLES. Careless!—This, now, is a grandfather of my mother's, a learned judge, well known on the western circuit,—What do you rate him at, Moses?
MOSES. Four guineas.
CHARLES. Four guineas! Gad's life, you don't bid me the price of his wig.—Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack; do let us knock his lordship down at fifteen.
SIR OLIVER. By all means.
CARELESS. Gone!
CHARLES. And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt, Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted speakers; and, what's very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever bought or sold.
SIR OLIVER. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take them at your own price, for the honour of Parliament.
CARELESS. Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down at forty.
CHARLES. Here's a jolly fellow—I don't know what relation, but he was mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds.
SIR OLIVER. No, no; six will do for the mayor.
CHARLES. Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two aldermen here into the bargain.
SIR OLIVER. They're mine.
CHARLES. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But, plague on't! we shall be all day retailing in this manner; do let us deal wholesale: what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump.
CARELESS. Ay, ay, that will be the best way.
SIR OLIVER. Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine. But there is one portrait which you have always passed over.
CARELESS. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee?
SIR OLIVER. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him so ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.
CHARLES. What, that? Oh; that's my uncle Oliver! 'Twas done before he went to India.
CARELESS. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be friends, Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate knave, depend on't. Don't you think so, little Premium?
SIR OLIVER. Upon my soul, Sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?
CHARLES. No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has been very good to me, and, egad, I'll keep his picture while I've a room to put it in.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] The rogue's my nephew after all!—[Aloud.] But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture.
CHARLES. I'm sorry for't, for you certainly will not have it. Oons, haven't you got enough of them?
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] I forgive him everything!—[Aloud.] But, Sir, when I take a whim in my head, I don't value money. I'll give you as much for that as for all the rest.
CHARLES. Don't tease me, master broker; I tell you I'll not part with it, and there's an end of it.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] How like his father the dog is.— [Aloud.] Well, well, I have done.— [Aside.] I did not perceive it before, but I think I never saw such a striking resemblance.— [Aloud.] Here is a draught for your sum.
CHARLES. Why, 'tis for eight hundred pounds!
SIR OLIVER. You will not let Sir Oliver go?
CHARLES. Zounds! no! I tell you, once more.
SIR OLIVER. Then never mind the difference, we'll balance that another time. But give me your hand on the bargain; you are an honest fellow, Charles—I beg pardon, sir, for being so free.— Come, Moses.
CHARLES. Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow!—But hark'ee, Premium, you'll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.
SIR OLIVER. Yes, yes, I'll send for them in a day or two.
CHARLES. But, hold; do now send a genteel conveyance for them, for, I assure you, they were most of them used to ride in their own carriages.
SIR OLIVER. I will, I will—for all but Oliver.
CHARLES. Ay, all but the little nabob.
SIR OLIVER. You're fixed on that?
CHARLES. Peremptorily.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] A dear extravagant rogue!—[Aloud.] Good day! Come, Moses.—[Aside.] Let me hear now who dares call him profligate! [Exit with MOSES.]
CARELESS. Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever met with!
CHARLES. Egad, he's the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow.—Ha! here's Rowley.—Do, Careless, say I'll join the company in a few moments.
CARELESS. I will—but don't let that old blockhead persuade you to squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any such nonsense; for tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant fellows.
CHARLES. Very true, and paying them is only encouraging them.
CARELESS. Nothing else.
CHARLES. Ay, ay, never fear.— [Exit CARELESS.] So! this was an odd old fellow, indeed. Let me see, two-thirds of these five hundred and thirty odd pounds are mine by right. Fore Heaven! I find one's ancestors are more valuable relations than I took them for!—Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very grateful servant. [Bows ceremoniously to the pictures.]
Enter ROWLEY
Ha! old Rowley! egad, you are just come in time to take leave of your old acquaintance.
ROWLEY. Yes, I heard they were a-going. But I wonder you can have such spirits under so many distresses.
CHARLES. Why, there's the point! my distresses are so many, that I can't affort to part with my spirits; but I shall be rich and splenetic, all in good time. However, I suppose you are surprised that I am not more sorrowful at parting with so many near relations; to be sure, 'tis very affecting; but you see they never move a muscle, so why should I?
ROWLEY. There's no making you serious a moment.
CHARLES. Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my honest Rowley, here, get me this changed directly, and take a hundred pounds of it immediately to old Stanley.
ROWLEY. A hundred pounds! Consider only——
CHARLES. Gad's life, don't talk about it! poor Stanley's wants are pressing, and, if you don't make haste, we shall have some one call that has a better right to the money.
ROWLEY. Ah! there's the point! I never will cease dunning you with the old proverb——
CHARLES. BE JUST BEFORE YOU'RE GENEROUS.—Why, so I would if I could; but Justice is an old hobbling beldame, and I can't get her to keep pace with Generosity, for the soul of me.
ROWLEY. Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour's reflection——
CHARLES. Ay, ay, it's very true; but, hark'ee, Rowley, while I have, by Heaven I'll give; so, damn your economy! and now for hazard. [Exeunt.]
SCENE II.—The Parlour
Enter SIR OLIVER and MOSES
MOSES. Well sir, I think as Sir Peter said you have seen Mr. Charles in high Glory—'tis great Pity He's so extravagant.
SIR OLIVER. True—but he would not sell my Picture—
MOSES. And loves wine and women so much—
SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture.
MOSES. And game so deep—
SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture. O—here's Rowley!
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY. So—Sir Oliver—I find you have made a Purchase——
SIR OLIVER. Yes—yes—our young Rake has parted with his Ancestors like old Tapestry—sold Judges and Generals by the foot—and maiden Aunts as cheap as broken China.—
ROWLEY. And here has he commissioned me to re-deliver you Part of the purchase-money—I mean tho' in your necessitous character of old Stanley——
MOSES. Ah! there is the Pity of all! He is so damned charitable.
ROWLEY. And I left a Hosier and two Tailors in the Hall—who I'm sure won't be paid, and this hundred would satisfy 'em.
SIR OLIVER. Well—well—I'll pay his debts and his Benevolences too—I'll take care of old Stanley—myself— But now I am no more a Broker, and you shall introduce me to the elder Brother as Stanley——
ROWLEY. Not yet a while—Sir Peter I know means to call there about this time.
Enter TRIP
TRIP. O Gentlemen—I beg Pardon for not showing you out—this way— Moses, a word. [Exit TRIP with MOSES.]
SIR OLIVER. There's a Fellow for you— Would you believe it that Puppy intercepted the Jew, on our coming, and wanted to raise money before he got to his master!
ROWLEY. Indeed!
SIR OLIVER. Yes—they are now planning an annuity Business— Ah Master Rowley[,] in my Day Servants were content with the Follies of their Masters when they were worn a little Thread Bare but now they have their Vices like their Birth Day cloaths with the gloss on. [Exeunt.]
SCENE III.—A Library
SURFACE and SERVANT
SURFACE. No letter from Lady Teazle?
SERVANT. No Sir—
SURFACE. I am surprised she hasn't sent if she is prevented from coming—! Sir Peter certainly does not suspect me—yet I wish I may not lose the Heiress, thro' the scrape I have drawn myself in with the wife—However, Charles's imprudence and bad character are great Points in my Favour.
SERVANT. Sir—I believe that must be Lady Teazle—
SURFACE. Hold[!] see—whether it is or not before you go to the Door—I have a particular Message for you if it should be my Brother.
SERVANT. 'Tis her ladyship Sir—She always leaves her Chair at the milliner's in the next Street.
SURFACE. Stay—stay—draw that Screen before the Window—that will do—my opposite Neighbour is a maiden Lady of so curious a temper!— [SERVANT draws the screen and exit.] I have a difficult Hand to play in this Affair—Lady Teazle as lately suspected my Views on Maria—but She must by no means be let into that secret, at least till I have her more in my Power.
Enter LADY TEAZLE
LADY TEAZLE. What[!] Sentiment in soliloquy—have you been very impatient now?—O Lud! don't pretend to look grave—I vow I couldn't come before——
SURFACE. O Madam[,] Punctuality is a species of Constancy, a very unfashionable quality in a Lady.
LADY TEAZLE. Upon my word you ought to pity me, do you now Sir Peter is grown so ill-tempered to me of Late! and so jealous! of Charles too that's the best of the story isn't it?
SURFACE. I am glad my scandalous Friends keep that up. [Aside.]
LADY TEAZLE. I am sure I wish He would let Maria marry him— and then perhaps He would be convinced—don't you—Mr. Surface?
SURFACE. Indeed I do not.—[Aside.] O certainly I do—for then my dear Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were of my having any design on the silly Girl——
LADY TEAZLE. Well—well I'm inclined to believe you—besides I really never could perceive why she should have so any admirers.
SURFACE. O for her Fortune—nothing else—
LADY TEAZLE. I believe so for tho' she is certainly very pretty— yet she has no conversation in the world—and is so grave and reserved—that I declare I think she'd have made an excellent wife for Sir Peter.—
SURFACE. So she would.
LADY TEAZLE. Then—one never hears her speak ill of anybody—which you know is mighty dull—
SURFACE. Yet she doesn't want understanding—
LADY TEAZLE. No more she does—yet one is always disapointed when one hears [her] speak—For though her Eyes have no kind of meaning in them—she very seldom talks Nonsense.
SURFACE. Nay—nay surely—she has very fine eyes—
LADY TEAZLE. Why so she has—tho' sometimes one fancies there's a little sort of a squint—
SURFACE. A squint—O fie—Lady Teazle.
LADY TEAZLE. Yes yes—I vow now—come there is a left-handed Cupid in one eye—that's the Truth on't.
SURFACE. Well—his aim is very direct however—but Lady Sneerwell has quite corrupted you.
LADY TEAZLE. No indeed—I have not opinion enough of her to be taught by her, and I know that she has lately rais'd many scandalous hints of me—which you know one always hears from one common Friend, or other.
SURFACE. Why to say truth I believe you are not more obliged to her than others of her acquaintance.
LADY TEAZLE. But isn't [it] provoking to hear the most ill-natured Things said to one and there's my friend Lady Sneerwell has circulated I don't know how many scandalous tales of me, and all without any foundation, too; that's what vexes me.
SURFACE. Aye Madam to be sure that is the Provoking circumstance— without Foundation—yes yes—there's the mortification indeed— for when a slanderous story is believed against one—there certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it——
LADY TEAZLE. No to be sure—then I'd forgive their malice— but to attack me, who am really so innocent—and who never say an ill-natured thing of anybody—that is, of any Friend—! and then Sir Peter too—to have him so peevish—and so suspicious— when I know the integrity of my own Heart—indeed 'tis monstrous.
SURFACE. But my dear Lady Teazle 'tis your own fault if you suffer it—when a Husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his Wife and withdraws his confidence from her—the original compact is broke and she owes it to the Honour of her sex to endeavour to outwit him—
LADY TEAZLE. Indeed—So that if He suspects me without cause it follows that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him reason for't—
SURFACE. Undoubtedly—for your Husband [should] never be deceived in you—and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his discernment—
LADY TEAZLE. To be sure what you say is very reasonable—and when the consciousness of my own Innocence——
SURFACE. Ah: my dear—Madam there is the great mistake—'tis this very conscious Innocence that is of the greatest Prejudice to you— what is it makes you negligent of Forms and careless of the world's opinion—why the consciousness of your Innocence—what makes you thoughtless in your Conduct and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences—why the consciousness of your Innocence—what makes you impatient of Sir Peter's temper, and outrageous at his suspicions— why the consciousness of your own Innocence—
LADY TEAZLE. 'Tis very true.
SURFACE. Now my dear Lady Teazle if you but once make a trifling Faux Pas you can't conceive how cautious you would grow, and how ready to humour and agree with your Husband.
LADY TEAZLE. Do you think so—
SURFACE. O I'm sure on't; and then you'd find all scandal would cease at once—for in short your Character at Present is like a Person in a Plethora, absolutely dying of too much Health—
LADY TEAZLE. So—so—then I perceive your Prescription is that I must sin in my own Defence—and part with my virtue to preserve my Reputation.—
SURFACE. Exactly so upon my credit Ma'am[.]
LADY TEAZLE. Well certainly this is the oddest Doctrine—and the newest Receipt for avoiding calumny.
SURFACE. An infallible one believe me—Prudence like experience must be paid for—
LADY TEAZLE. Why if my understanding were once convinced——
SURFACE. Oh, certainly Madam, your understanding SHOULD be convinced—yes—yes—Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do anything you THOUGHT wrong—no—no—I have too much honor to desire it—
LADY TEAZLE. Don't—you think we may as well leave Honor out of the Argument? [Rises.]
SURFACE. Ah—the ill effects of your country education I see still remain with you.
LADY TEAZLE. I doubt they do indeed—and I will fairly own to you, that If I could be persuaded to do wrong it would be by Sir Peter's ill-usage—sooner than your honourable Logic, after all.
SURFACE. Then by this Hand, which He is unworthy of——
Enter SERVANT
Sdeath, you Blockhead—what do you want?
SERVANT. I beg your Pardon Sir, but I thought you wouldn't chuse Sir Peter to come up without announcing him?
SURFACE. Sir Peter—Oons—the Devil!
LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter! O Lud! I'm ruined! I'm ruin'd!
SERVANT. Sir, 'twasn't I let him in.
LADY TEAZLE. O I'm undone—what will become of me now Mr. Logick.— Oh! mercy, He's on the Stairs—I'll get behind here—and if ever I'm so imprudent again—— [Goes behind the screen—]
SURFACE. Give me that—Book!——
[Sits down—SERVANT pretends to adjust his Hair—]
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER. Aye—ever improving himself!—Mr. Surface—
SURFACE. Oh! my dear Sir Peter—I beg your Pardon—[Gaping and throws away the Book.] I have been dosing [dozing] over a stupid Book! well—I am much obliged to you for this Call—You haven't been here I believe since I fitted up this Room—Books you know are the only Things I am a Coxcomb in—
SIR PETER. 'Tis very neat indeed—well well that's proper— and you make even your Screen a source of knowledge—hung I perceive with Maps—
SURFACE. O yes—I find great use in that Screen.
SIR PETER. I dare say you must—certainly—when you want to find out anything in a Hurry.
SURFACE. Aye or to hide anything in a Hurry either—
SIR PETER. Well I have a little private Business—if we were alone—
SURFACE. You needn't stay.
SERVANT. No—Sir—— [Exit SERVANT.]
SURFACE. Here's a Chair—Sir Peter—I beg——
SIR PETER. Well—now we are alone—there IS a subject—my dear Friend—on which I wish to unburthen my Mind to you—a Point of the greatest moment to my Peace—in short, my good Friend— Lady Teazle's conduct of late has made me very unhappy.
SURFACE. Indeed I'm very sorry to hear it—
SIR PETER. Yes 'tis but too plain she has not the least regard for me—but what's worse, I have pretty good Authority to suspect that she must have formed an attachment to another.
SURFACE. Indeed! you astonish me.
SIR PETER. Yes—and between ourselves—I think I have discover'd the Person.
SURFACE. How—you alarm me exceedingly!
SIR PETER. Ah: my dear Friend I knew you would sympathize with me.—
SURFACE. Yes—believe me Sir Peter—such a discovery would hurt me just as much as it would you—
SIR PETER. I am convinced of it—ah—it is a happiness to have a Friend whom one can trust even with one's Family secrets— but have you no guess who I mean?
SURFACE. I haven't the most distant Idea—it can't be Sir Benjamin Backbite.
SIR PETER. O—No. What say you to Charles?
SURFACE. My Brother—impossible!—O no Sir Peter you mustn't credit the scandalous insinuations you hear—no no—Charles to be sure has been charged with many things but go I can never think He would meditate so gross an injury—
SIR PETER. Ah! my dear Friend—the goodness of your own Heart misleads you—you judge of others by yourself.
SURFACE. Certainly Sir Peter—the Heart that is conscious of its own integrity is ever slowest to credit another's Treachery.—
SIR PETER. True—but your Brother has no sentiment[—]you never hear him talk so.—
SURFACE. Well there certainly is no knowing what men are capable of— no—there is no knowing—yet I can't but think Lady Teazle herself has too much Principle——
SIR PETER. Aye but what's Principle against the Flattery of a handsome—lively young Fellow—
SURFACE. That's very true—
SIR PETER. And then you know the difference of our ages makes it very improbable that she should have any great affection for me—and if she were to be frail and I were to make it Public—why the Town would only laugh at the foolish old Batchelor, who had married a girl——
SURFACE. That's true—to be sure People would laugh.
SIR PETER. Laugh—aye and make Ballads—and Paragraphs and the Devil knows what of me—
SURFACE. No—you must never make it public—
SIR PETER. But then again that the Nephew of my old Friend, Sir Oliver[,] should be the Person to attempt such an injury— hurts me more nearly—
SURFACE. Undoubtedly—when Ingratitude barbs the Dart of Injury— the wound has double danger in it—
SIR PETER. Aye—I that was in a manner left his Guardian— in his House he had been so often entertain'd—who never in my Life denied him my advice—
SURFACE. O 'tis not to be credited—There may be a man capable of such Baseness, to be sure—but for my Part till you can give me positive Proofs you must excuse me withholding my Belief. However, if this should be proved on him He is no longer a brother of mine I disclaim kindred with him—for the man who can break thro' the Laws of Hospitality—and attempt the wife of his Friend deserves to be branded as the Pest of Society.
SIR PETER. What a difference there is between you—what noble sentiments!—
SURFACE. But I cannot suspect Lady Teazle's honor.
SIR PETER. I'm sure I wish to think well of her—and to remove all ground of Quarrel between us—She has lately reproach'd me more than once with having made no settlement on her—and, in our last Quarrel, she almost hinted that she should not break her Heart if I was dead.—now as we seem to differ in our Ideas of Expense I have resolved she shall be her own Mistress in that Respect for the future—and if I were to die—she shall find that I have not been inattentive to her Interests while living—Here my Friend are the Draughts of two Deeds which I wish to have your opinion on— by one she will enjoy eight hundred a year independent while I live— and by the other the bulk of my Fortune after my Death.
SURFACE. This conduct Sir Peter is indeed truly Generous! I wish it may not corrupt my pupil.—[Aside.]
SIR PETER. Yes I am determined she shall have no cause to complain— tho' I would not have her acquainted with the latter instance of my affection yet awhile.
SURFACE. Nor I—if I could help it.
SIR PETER. And now my dear Friend if you please we will talk over the situation of your Hopes with Maria.
SURFACE. No—no—Sir Peter—another Time if you Please—[softly].
SIR PETER. I am sensibly chagrined at the little Progress you seem to make in her affection.
SURFACE. I beg you will not mention it—What are my Disappointments when your Happiness is in Debate [softly]. 'Sdeath I shall be ruined every way.
SIR PETER. And tho' you are so averse to my acquainting Lady Teazle with YOUR passion, I am sure she's not your Enemy in the Affair.
SURFACE. Pray Sir Peter, now oblige me.—I am really too much affected by the subject we have been speaking of to bestow a thought on my own concerns—The Man who is entrusted with his Friend's Distresses can never——
Enter SERVANT
Well, Sir?
SERVANT. Your Brother Sir, is—speaking to a Gentleman in the Street, and says He knows you're within.
SURFACE. 'Sdeath, Blockhead—I'm NOT within—I'm out for the Day.
SIR PETER. Stay—hold—a thought has struck me—you shall be at home.
SURFACE. Well—well—let him up.— [Exit SERVANT.] He'll interrupt Sir Peter, however. [Aside.]
SIR PETER. Now, my good Friend—oblige me I Intreat you—before Charles comes—let me conceal myself somewhere—Then do you tax him on the Point we have been talking on—and his answers may satisfy me at once.—
SURFACE. O Fie—Sir Peter—would you have ME join in so mean a Trick? to trepan my Brother too?
SIR PETER. Nay you tell me you are SURE He is innocent—if so you do him the greatest service in giving him an opportunity to clear himself—and—you will set my Heart at rest—come you shall not refuse me—here behind this Screen will be—hey! what the Devil—there seems to be one listener here already—I'll swear I saw a Petticoat.—
SURFACE. Ha! ha! ha! Well this is ridiculous enough—I'll tell you, Sir Peter—tho' I hold a man of Intrigue to be a most despicable Character—yet you know it doesn't follow that a man is to be an absolute Joseph either—hark'ee—'tis a little French Milliner— a silly Rogue that plagues me—and having some character, on your coming she ran behind the Screen.—
SIR PETER. Ah a Rogue—but 'egad she has overheard all I have been saying of my Wife.
SURFACE. O 'twill never go any farther, you may depend on't.
SIR PETER. No!—then efaith let her hear it out.—Here's a Closet will do as well.—
SURFACE. Well, go in there.—
SIR PETER. Sly rogue—sly Rogue.—
SURFACE. Gad's my Life what an Escape—! and a curious situation I'm in!—to part man and wife in this manner.—
LADY TEAZLE. [peeps out.] Couldn't I steal off—
SURFACE. Keep close, my Angel!
SIR PETER. [Peeping out.] Joseph—tax him home.
SURFACE. Back—my dear Friend
LADY TEAZLE. [Peeping out.] Couldn't you lock Sir Peter in?—
SURFACE. Be still—my Life!
SIR PETER. [Peeping.] You're sure the little Milliner won't blab?
SURFACE. In! in! my good Sir Peter—'Fore Gad, I wish I had a key to the Door.
Enter CHARLES
CHARLES. Hollo! Brother—what has been the matter? your Fellow wouldn't let me up at first—What[?] have you had a Jew or a wench with you.—
SURFACE. Neither Brother I assure you.
CHARLES. But—what has made Sir Peter steal off—I thought He had been with you—
SURFACE. He WAS Brother—but hearing you were coming He didn't chuse to stay—
CHARLES. What[!] was the old Gentleman afraid I wanted to borrow money of him?
SURFACE. No Sir—but I am sorry to find[,] Charles—you have lately given that worthy man grounds for great Uneasiness.
CHARLES. Yes they tell me I do that to a great many worthy men— but how so Pray?
SURFACE. To be plain with you Brother He thinks you are endeavouring to gain Lady Teazle's Affections from him.
CHARLES. Who I—O Lud! not I upon my word.—Ha! ha! ha! so the old Fellow has found out that He has got a young wife has He? or what's worse she has discover'd that she has an old Husband?
SURFACE. This is no subject to jest on Brother—He who can laugh——
CHARLES. True true as you were going to say—then seriously I never had the least idea of what you charge me with, upon my honour.
SURFACE. Well it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction to hear this.
CHARLES. [Aloud.] To be sure, I once thought the lady seemed to have taken a fancy—but upon my soul I never gave her the least encouragement.—Beside you know my Attachment to Maria—
SURFACE. But sure Brother even if Lady Teazle had betray'd the fondest Partiality for you——
CHARLES. Why—look'ee Joseph—I hope I shall never deliberately do a dishonourable Action—but if a pretty woman was purposely to throw herself in my way—and that pretty woman married to a man old enough to be her Father——
SURFACE. Well?
CHARLES. Why I believe I should be obliged to borrow a little of your Morality, that's all.—but, Brother do you know now that you surprize me exceedingly by naming me with Lady Teazle—for faith I always understood YOU were her Favourite—
SURFACE. O for shame—Charles—This retort is Foolish.
CHARLES. Nay I swear I have seen you exchange such significant Glances——
SURFACE. Nay—nay—Sir—this is no jest—
CHARLES. Egad—I'm serious—Don't you remember—one Day, when I called here——
SURFACE. Nay—prithee—Charles
CHARLES. And found you together——
SURFACE. Zounds, Sir—I insist——
CHARLES. And another time when your Servant——
SURFACE. Brother—brother a word with you—Gad I must stop him— [Aside.]
CHARLES. Informed—me that——
SURFACE. Hush!—I beg your Pardon but Sir Peter has overheard all we have been saying—I knew you would clear yourself, or I shouldn't have consented—
CHARLES. How Sir Peter—Where is He—
SURFACE. Softly, there! [Points to the closet.]
CHARLES. [In the Closet!] O 'fore Heaven I'll have him out— Sir Peter come forth!
SURFACE. No—no——
CHARLES. I say Sir Peter—come into court.— [Pulls in SIR PETER.] What—my old Guardian—what[!] turn inquisitor and take evidence incog.—
SIR PETER. Give me your hand—Charles—I believe I have suspected you wrongfully; but you mustn't be angry with Joseph—'twas my Plan—
CHARLES. Indeed!—
SIR PETER. But I acquit you—I promise you I don't think near so ill of you as I did—what I have heard has given me great satisfaction.
CHARLES. Egad then 'twas lucky you didn't hear any more. Wasn't it Joseph?
SIR PETER. Ah! you would have retorted on him.
CHARLES. Aye—aye—that was a Joke.
SIR PETER. Yes, yes, I know his honor too well.
CHARLES. Yet you might as well have suspected him as me in this matter, for all that—mightn't He, Joseph?
SIR PETER. Well well I believe you—
SURFACE. Would they were both out of the Room!
Enter SERVANT, whispers SURFACE
SIR PETER. And in future perhaps we may not be such Strangers.
SURFACE. Gentlemen—I beg Pardon—I must wait on you downstairs— Here is a Person come on particular Business——
CHARLES. Well you can see him in another Room—Sir Peter and I haven't met a long time and I have something to say [to] him.
SURFACE. They must not be left together.—I'll send this man away and return directly— [SURFACE goes out.]
SIR PETER. Ah—Charles if you associated more with your Brother, one might indeed hope for your reformation—He is a man of Sentiment— Well! there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment!
CHARLES. Pshaw! He is too moral by half—and so apprehensive of his good Name, as he calls it, that I suppose He would as soon let a Priest in his House as a Girl—
SIR PETER. No—no—come come,—you wrong him. No, no, Joseph is no Rake but he is no such Saint in that respect either. I have a great mind to tell him—we should have such a Laugh!
CHARLES. Oh, hang him? He's a very Anchorite—a young Hermit!
SIR PETER. Harkee—you must not abuse him, he may chance to hear of it again I promise you.
CHARLES. Why you won't tell him?
SIR PETER. No—but—this way. Egad, I'll tell him—Harkee, have you a mind to have a good laugh against Joseph?
CHARLES. I should like it of all things—
SIR PETER. Then, E'faith, we will—I'll be quit with him for discovering me.—He had a girl with him when I called. [Whispers.]
CHARLES. What[!] Joseph[!] you jest—
SIR PETER. Hush!—a little French Milliner—and the best of the jest is—she's in the room now.
CHARLES. The devil she is—
SIR PETER. Hush! I tell you. [Points.]
CHARLES. Behind the screen! Odds Life, let's unveil her!
SIR PETER. No—no! He's coming—you shan't indeed!
CHARLES. Oh, egad, we'll have a peep at the little milliner!
SIR PETER. Not for the world—Joseph will never forgive me.
CHARLES. I'll stand by you——
SIR PETER. Odds Life! Here He's coming—
[SURFACE enters just as CHARLES throws down the Screen.]
Re-enter JOSEPH SURFACE
CHARLES. Lady Teazle! by all that's wonderful!
SIR PETER. Lady Teazle! by all that's Horrible!
CHARLES. Sir Peter—This is one of the smartest French Milliners I ever saw!—Egad, you seem all to have been diverting yourselves here at Hide and Seek—and I don't see who is out of the Secret!— Shall I beg your Ladyship to inform me!—Not a word!—Brother!— will you please to explain this matter? What! is Honesty Dumb too?— Sir Peter, though I found you in the Dark—perhaps you are not so now—all mute! Well tho' I can make nothing of the Affair, I make no doubt but you perfectly understand one another—so I'll leave you to yourselves.—[Going.] Brother I'm sorry to find you have given that worthy man grounds for so much uneasiness!—Sir Peter—there's nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment!—
[Stand for some time looking at one another. Exit CHARLES.]
SURFACE. Sir Peter—notwithstanding I confess that appearances are against me. If you will afford me your Patience I make no doubt but I shall explain everything to your satisfaction.—
SIR PETER. If you please—Sir—
SURFACE. The Fact is Sir—that Lady Teazle knowing my Pretensions to your ward Maria—I say Sir Lady Teazle—being apprehensive of the Jealousy of your Temper—and knowing my Friendship to the Family. S he Sir—I say call'd here—in order that I might explain those Pretensions—but on your coming being apprehensive—as I said of your Jealousy—she withdrew—and this, you may depend on't is the whole truth of the Matter.
SIR PETER. A very clear account upon the [my] word and I dare swear the Lady will vouch for every article of it.
LADY TEAZLE. For not one word of it Sir Peter—
SIR PETER. How[!] don't you think it worthwhile to agree in the lie.
LADY TEAZLE. There is not one Syllable of Truth in what that Gentleman has told you.
SIR PETER. I believe you upon my soul Ma'am—
SURFACE. 'Sdeath, madam, will you betray me! [Aside.]
LADY TEAZLE. Good Mr. Hypocrite by your leave I will speak for myself—
SIR PETER. Aye let her alone Sir—you'll find she'll make out a better story than you without Prompting.
LADY TEAZLE. Hear me Sir Peter—I came hither on no matter relating to your ward and even ignorant of this Gentleman's pretensions to her—but I came—seduced by his insidious arguments—and pretended Passion[—]at least to listen to his dishonourable Love if not to sacrifice your Honour to his Baseness.
SIR PETER. Now, I believe, the Truth is coming indeed[.]
SURFACE. The Woman's mad—
LADY TEAZLE. No Sir—she has recovered her Senses. Your own Arts have furnished her with the means. Sir Peter—I do not expect you to credit me—but the Tenderness you express'd for me, when I am sure you could not think I was a witness to it, has penetrated so to my Heart that had I left the Place without the Shame of this discovery— my future life should have spoken the sincerity of my Gratitude— as for that smooth-tongued Hypocrite—who would have seduced the wife of his too credulous Friend while he pretended honourable addresses to his ward—I behold him now in a light so truly despicable that I shall never again Respect myself for having Listened to him. [Exit.]
SURFACE. Notwithstanding all this Sir Peter—Heaven knows——
SIR PETER. That you are a Villain!—and so I leave you to your conscience—
SURFACE. You are too Rash Sir Peter—you SHALL hear me—The man who shuts out conviction by refusing to—— [Exeunt, SURFACE following and speaking.]
END OF THE FOURTH
ACT V
SCENE I.—The Library
Enter SURFACE and SERVANT
SURFACE. Mr. Stanley! and why should you think I would see him?— you must know he came to ask something!
SERVANT. Sir—I shouldn't have let him in but that Mr. Rowley came to the Door with him.
SURFACE. Pshaw!—Blockhead to suppose that I should now be in a Temper to receive visits from poor Relations!—well why don't you show the Fellow up?
SERVANT. I will—Sir—Why, Sir—it was not my Fault that Sir Peter discover'd my Lady——
SURFACE. Go, fool!— [Exit SERVANT.] Sure Fortune never play'd a man of my policy such a Trick before— my character with Sir Peter!—my Hopes with Maria!—destroy'd in a moment!—I'm in a rare Humour to listen to other People's Distresses!—I shan't be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley—So! here—He comes and Rowley with him—I MUST try to recover myself, and put a little Charity into my Face however.—— [Exit.]
Enter SIR OLIVER and ROWLEY
SIR OLIVER. What! does He avoid us? that was He—was it not?
ROWLEY. It was Sir—but I doubt you are come a little too abruptly— his Nerves are so weak that the sight of a poor Relation may be too much for him—I should have gone first to break you to him.
SIR OLIVER. A Plague of his Nerves—yet this is He whom Sir Peter extolls as a Man of the most Benevolent way of thinking!—
ROWLEY. As to his way of thinking—I can't pretend to decide[,] for, to do him justice He appears to have as much speculative Benevolence as any private Gentleman in the Kingdom—though he is seldom so sensual as to indulge himself in the exercise of it——
SIR OLIVER. Yet [he] has a string of charitable Sentiments I suppose at his Fingers' ends!—
ROWLEY. Or, rather at his Tongue's end Sir Oliver; for I believe there is no sentiment he has more faith in than that 'Charity begins at Home.'
SIR OLIVER. And his I presume is of that domestic sort which never stirs abroad at all.
ROWLEY. I doubt you'll find it so—but He's coming—I mustn't seem to interrupt you—and you know immediately—as you leave him—I come in to announce—your arrival in your real Character.
SIR OLIVER. True—and afterwards you'll meet me at Sir Peter's——
ROWLEY. Without losing a moment. [Exit.]
SIR OLIVER. So—I see he has premeditated a Denial by the Complaisance of his Features.
Enter SURFACE
SURFACE. Sir—I beg you ten thousand Pardons for keeping— you a moment waiting—Mr. Stanley—I presume——
SIR OLIVER. At your Service.
SURFACE. Sir—I beg you will do me the honour to sit down— I entreat you Sir.
SIR OLIVER. Dear Sir there's no occasion—too civil by half!
SURFACE. I have not the Pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley— but I am extremely happy to see you look so well—you were nearly related to my mother—I think Mr. Stanley——
SIR OLIVER. I was Sir—so nearly that my present Poverty I fear may do discredit to her Wealthy Children—else I should not have presumed to trouble you.—
SURFACE. Dear Sir—there needs no apology—He that is in Distress tho' a stranger has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy— I am sure I wish I was of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small relief.
SIR OLIVER. If your Unkle, Sir Oliver were here—I should have a Friend——
SURFACE. I wish He was Sir, with all my Heart—you should not want an advocate with him—believe me Sir.
SIR OLIVER. I should not need one—my Distresses would recommend me.—but I imagined—his Bounty had enabled you to become the agent of his Charity.
SURFACE. My dear Sir—you are strangely misinformed—Sir Oliver is a worthy Man, a worthy man—a very worthy sort of Man—but avarice Mr. Stanley is the vice of age—I will tell you my good Sir in confidence:—what he has done for me has been a mere—nothing[;] tho' People I know have thought otherwise and for my Part I never chose to contradict the Report.
SIR OLIVER. What!—has he never transmitted—you—Bullion—Rupees— Pagodas!
SURFACE. O Dear Sir—Nothing of the kind—no—no—a few Presents now and then—china, shawls, congo Tea, Avadavats—and indian Crackers—little more, believe me.
SIR OLIVER. Here's Gratitude for twelve thousand pounds!— Avadavats and indian Crackers.
SURFACE. Then my dear—Sir—you have heard, I doubt not, of the extravagance of my Brother—Sir—there are very few would credit what I have done for that unfortunate young man.
SIR OLIVER. Not I for one!
SURFACE. The sums I have lent him! indeed—I have been exceedingly to blame—it was an amiable weakness! however I don't pretend to defend it—and now I feel it doubly culpable—since it has deprived me of the power of serving YOU Mr. Stanley as my Heart directs——
SIR OLIVER. Dissembler! Then Sir—you cannot assist me?
SURFACE. At Present it grieves me to say I cannot—but whenever I have the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me.
SIR OLIVER. I am extremely sorry——
SURFACE. Not more than I am believe me—to pity without the Power to relieve is still more painful than to ask and be denied——
SIR OLIVER. Kind Sir—your most obedient humble servant.
SURFACE. You leave me deeply affected Mr. Stanley—William— be ready to open the door——
SIR OLIVER. O, Dear Sir, no ceremony——
SURFACE. Your very obedient——
SIR OLIVER. Your most obsequious——
SURFACE. You may depend on hearing from me whenever I can be of service——
SIR OLIVER. Sweet Sir—you are too good——
SURFACE. In the mean time I wish you Health and Spirits——
SIR OLIVER. Your ever grateful and perpetual humble Servant——
SURFACE. Sir—yours as sincerely——
SIR OLIVER. Charles!—you are my Heir. [Exit.]
SURFACE, solus Soh!—This is one bad effect of a good Character—it invites applications from the unfortunate and there needs no small degree of address to gain the reputation of Benevolence without incurring the expence.—The silver ore of pure Charity is an expensive article in the catalogue of a man's good Qualities—whereas the sentimental French Plate I use instead of it makes just as good a shew—and pays no tax.
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY. Mr. Surface—your Servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting you, tho' my Business demands immediate attention— as this Note will inform you——
SURFACE. Always Happy to see Mr. Rowley—how—Oliver—Surface!— My Unkle arrived!
ROWLEY. He is indeed—we have just parted—quite well—after a speedy voyage—and impatient to embrace his worthy Nephew.
SURFACE. I am astonished!—William[!] stop Mr. Stanley, if He's not gone——
ROWLEY. O—He's out of reach—I believe.
SURFACE. Why didn't you let me know this when you came in together.—
ROWLEY. I thought you had particular—Business—but must be gone to inform your Brother, and appoint him here to meet his Uncle. He will be with you in a quarter of an hour——
SURFACE. So he says. Well—I am strangely overjoy'd at his coming— never to be sure was anything so damn'd unlucky!
ROWLEY. You will be delighted to see how well He looks.
SURFACE. O—I'm rejoiced to hear it—just at this time——
ROWLEY. I'll tell him how impatiently you expect him——
SURFACE. Do—do—pray—give my best duty and affection—indeed, I cannot express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him!—certainly his coming just at this Time is the cruellest piece of ill Fortune—— [Exeunt.]
SCENE II.—At SIR PETER'S House
Enter MRS. CANDOUR and SERVANT
SERVANT. Indeed Ma'am, my Lady will see nobody at Present.
MRS. CANDOUR. Did you tell her it was her Friend Mrs. Candour——
SERVANT. Yes Ma'am but she begs you will excuse her——
MRS. CANDOUR. Do go again—I shall be glad to see her if it be only for a moment—for I am sure she must be in great Distress [exit MAID] —Dear Heart—how provoking!—I'm not mistress of half the circumstances!—We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers with the Names of the Parties at length before I have dropt the story at a dozen houses.
Enter SIR BENJAMIN
Sir Benjamin you have heard, I suppose——
SIR BENJAMIN. Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface——
MRS. CANDOUR. And Sir Peter's Discovery——
SIR BENJAMIN. O the strangest Piece of Business to be sure——
MRS. CANDOUR. Well I never was so surprised in my life!—I am so sorry for all Parties—indeed,
SIR BENJAMIN. Now I don't Pity Sir Peter at all—he was so extravagant—partial to Mr. Surface——
MRS. CANDOUR. Mr. Surface!—why 'twas with Charles Lady Teazle was detected.
SIR BENJAMIN. No such thing Mr. Surface is the gallant.
MRS. CANDOUR. No—no—Charles is the man—'twas Mr. Surface brought Sir Peter on purpose to discover them——
SIR BENJAMIN. I tell you I have it from one——
MRS. CANDOUR. And I have it from one——
SIR BENJAMIN. Who had it from one who had it——
MRS. CANDOUR. From one immediately—but here comes Lady Sneerwell— perhaps she knows the whole affair.
Enter LADY SNEERWELL
LADY SNEERWELL. So—my dear Mrs. Candour Here's a sad affair of our Friend Teazle——
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye my dear Friend, who could have thought it.
LADY SNEERWELL. Well there is no trusting to appearances[;] tho'— indeed she was always too lively for me.
MRS. CANDOUR. To be sure, her manners were a little too—free— but she was very young——
LADY SNEERWELL. And had indeed some good Qualities.
MRS. CANDOUR. So she had indeed—but have you heard the Particulars?
LADY SNEERWELL. No—but everybody says that Mr. Surface——
SIR BENJAMIN. Aye there I told you—Mr. Surface was the Man.
MRS. CANDOUR. No—no—indeed the assignation was with Charles——
LADY SNEERWELL. With Charles!—You alarm me Mrs. Candour!
MRS. CANDOUR. Yes—yes He was the Lover—Mr. Surface—do him justice—was only the Informer.
SIR BENJAMIN. Well I'll not dispute with you Mrs. Candour— but be it which it may—I hope that Sir Peter's wound will not——
MRS. CANDOUR. Sir Peter's wound! O mercy! I didn't hear a word of their Fighting——
LADY SNEERWELL. Nor I a syllable!
SIR BENJAMIN. No—what no mention of the Duel——
MRS. CANDOUR. Not a word—
SIR BENJAMIN. O, Lord—yes—yes—they fought before they left the Room.
LADY SNEERWELL. Pray let us hear.
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye—do oblige—us with the Duel——
SIR BENJAMIN. 'Sir'—says Sir Peter—immediately after the Discovery, 'you are a most ungrateful Fellow.'
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye to Charles——
SIR BENJAMIN. No, no—to Mr. Surface—'a most ungrateful Fellow; and old as I am, Sir,' says He, 'I insist on immediate satisfaction.'
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye that must have been to Charles for 'tis very unlikely Mr. Surface should go to fight in his own House.
SIR BENJAMIN. Gad's Life, Ma'am, not at all—giving me immediate satisfaction—on this, Madam—Lady Teazle seeing Sir Peter in such Danger—ran out of the Room in strong Hysterics—and Charles after her calling out for Hartshorn and Water! Then Madam—they began to fight with Swords——
Enter CRABTREE
CRABTREE. With Pistols—Nephew—I have it from undoubted authority.
MRS. CANDOUR. Oh, Mr. Crabtree then it is all true——
CRABTREE. Too true indeed Ma'am, and Sir Peter Dangerously wounded——
SIR BENJAMIN. By a thrust in second—quite thro' his left side
CRABTREE. By a Bullet lodged in the Thorax——
MRS. CANDOUR. Mercy—on me[!] Poor Sir Peter——
CRABTREE. Yes, ma'am tho' Charles would have avoided the matter if he could——
MRS. CANDOUR. I knew Charles was the Person——
SIR BENJAMIN. O my Unkle I see knows nothing of the matter——
CRABTREE. But Sir Peter tax'd him with the basest ingratitude——
SIR BENJAMIN. That I told you, you know——
CRABTREE. Do Nephew let me speak—and insisted on immediate——
SIR BENJAMIN. Just as I said——
CRABTREE. Odds life! Nephew allow others to know something too— A Pair of Pistols lay on the Bureau—for Mr. Surface—it seems, had come home the Night before late from Salt-Hill where He had been to see the Montem with a Friend, who has a Son at Eton—so unluckily the Pistols were left Charged——
SIR BENJAMIN. I heard nothing of this——
CRABTREE. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one and they fired— it seems pretty nearly together—Charles's shot took Place as I tell you—and Sir Peter's miss'd—but what is very extraordinary the Ball struck against a little Bronze Pliny that stood over the Fire Place— grazed out of the window at a right angle—and wounded the Postman, who was just coming to the Door with a double letter from Northamptonshire.
SIR BENJAMIN. My Unkle's account is more circumstantial I must confess—but I believe mine is the true one for all that.
LADY SNEERWELL. I am more interested in this Affair than they imagine—and must have better information.— [Exit.]
SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! Lady Sneerwell's alarm is very easily accounted for.—
CRABTREE. Yes yes, they certainly DO say—but that's neither here nor there.
MRS. CANDOUR. But pray where is Sir Peter at present——
CRABTREE. Oh! they—brought him home and He is now in the House, tho' the Servants are order'd to deny it——
MRS. CANDOUR. I believe so—and Lady Teazle—I suppose attending him——
CRABTREE. Yes yes—and I saw one of the Faculty enter just before me——
SIR BENJAMIN. Hey—who comes here——
CRABTREE. Oh, this is He—the Physician depend on't.
MRS. CANDOUR. O certainly it must be the Physician and now we shall know——
Enter SIR OLIVER
CRABTREE. Well, Doctor—what Hopes?
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye Doctor how's your Patient?
SIR BENJAMIN. Now Doctor isn't it a wound with a small sword——
CRABTREE. A bullet lodged in the Thorax—for a hundred!
SIR OLIVER. Doctor!—a wound with a small sword! and a Bullet in the Thorax!—oon's are you mad, good People?
SIR BENJAMIN. Perhaps, Sir, you are not a Doctor.
SIR OLIVER. Truly Sir I am to thank you for my degree If I am.
CRABTREE. Only a Friend of Sir Peter's then I presume—but, sir, you must have heard of this accident—
SIR OLIVER. Not a word!
CRABTREE. Not of his being dangerously wounded?
SIR OLIVER. The Devil he is!
SIR BENJAMIN. Run thro' the Body——
CRABTREE. Shot in the breast——
SIR BENJAMIN. By one Mr. Surface——
CRABTREE. Aye the younger.
SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your accounts—however you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded.
SIR BENJAMIN. Oh yes, we agree in that.
CRABTREE. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt in that.
SIR OLIVER. Then, upon my word, for a person in that Situation, he is the most imprudent man alive—For here he comes walking as if nothing at all was the matter.
Enter SIR PETER
Odd's heart, sir Peter! you are come in good time I promise you, for we had just given you over!
SIR BENJAMIN. 'Egad, Uncle this is the most sudden Recovery!
SIR OLIVER. Why, man, what do you do out of Bed with a Small Sword through your Body, and a Bullet lodg'd in your Thorax?
SIR PETER. A Small Sword and a Bullet—
SIR OLIVER. Aye these Gentlemen would have kill'd you without Law or Physic, and wanted to dub me a Doctor to make me an accomplice.
SIR PETER. Why! what is all this?
SIR BENJAMIN. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the Story of the Duel is not true—and are sincerely sorry for your other Misfortune.
SIR PETER. So—so—all over the Town already! [Aside.]
CRABTREE. Tho', Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry at all at your years.
SIR PETER. Sir, what Business is that of yours?
MRS. CANDOUR. Tho' Indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a Husband, he's very much to be pitied.
SIR PETER. Plague on your pity, Ma'am, I desire none of it.
SIR BENJAMIN. However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing and jests you will meet with on the occasion.
SIR PETER. Sir, I desire to be master in my own house.
CRABTREE. 'Tis no Uncommon Case, that's one comfort.
SIR PETER. I insist on being left to myself, without ceremony,— I insist on your leaving my house directly!
MRS. CANDOUR. Well, well, we are going and depend on't, we'll make the best report of you we can.
SIR PETER. Leave my house!
CRABTREE. And tell how hardly you have been treated.
SIR PETER. Leave my House—
SIR BENJAMIN. And how patiently you bear it.
SIR PETER. Friends! Vipers! Furies! Oh that their own Venom would choke them!
SIR OLIVER. They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter.
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY. I heard high words: what has ruffled you Sir Peter—
SIR PETER. Pshaw what signifies asking—do I ever pass a Day without my Vexations?
SIR OLIVER. Well I'm not Inquisitive—I come only to tell you, that I have seen both my Nephews in the manner we proposed.
SIR PETER. A Precious Couple they are!
ROWLEY. Yes and Sir Oliver—is convinced that your judgment was right Sir Peter.
SIR OLIVER. Yes I find Joseph is Indeed the Man after all.
ROWLEY. Aye as Sir Peter says, He's a man of Sentiment.
SIR OLIVER. And acts up to the Sentiments he professes.
ROWLEY. It certainly is Edification to hear him talk.
SIR OLIVER. Oh, He's a model for the young men of the age! But how's this, Sir Peter? you don't Join us in your Friend Joseph's Praise as I expected.
SIR PETER. Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer we praise the better.
ROWLEY. What do YOU say so, Sir Peter—who were never mistaken in your Life?
SIR PETER. Pshaw—Plague on you both—I see by your sneering you have heard—the whole affair—I shall go mad among you!
ROWLEY. Then to fret you no longer Sir Peter—we are indeed acquainted with it all—I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface's so humbled, that she deigned to request ME to be her advocate with you—
SIR PETER. And does Sir Oliver know all too?
SIR OLIVER. Every circumstance!
SIR PETER. What of the closet and the screen—hey[?]
SIR OLIVER. Yes yes—and the little French Milliner. Oh, I have been vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha!
SIR PETER. 'Twas very pleasant!
SIR OLIVER. I never laugh'd more in my life, I assure you: ha! ha!
SIR PETER. O vastly diverting! ha! ha!
ROWLEY. To be sure Joseph with his Sentiments! ha! ha!
SIR PETER. Yes his sentiments! ha! ha! a hypocritical Villain!
SIR OLIVER. Aye and that Rogue Charles—to pull Sir Peter out of the closet: ha! ha!
SIR PETER. Ha! ha! 'twas devilish entertaining to be sure—
SIR OLIVER. Ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter I should like to have seen your Face when the screen was thrown down—ha! ha!
SIR PETER. Yes, my face when the Screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha! O I must never show my head again!
SIR OLIVER. But come—come it isn't fair to laugh at you neither my old Friend—tho' upon my soul I can't help it—
SIR PETER. O pray don't restrain your mirth on my account: it does not hurt me at all—I laugh at the whole affair myself—Yes—yes— I think being a standing Jest for all one's acquaintance a very happy situation—O yes—and then of a morning to read the Paragraphs about Mr. S——, Lady T——, and Sir P——, will be so entertaining!— I shall certainly leave town tomorrow and never look mankind in the Face again!
ROWLEY. Without affectation Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of Fools—but I see Lady Teazle going towards the next Room—I am sure you must desire a Reconciliation as earnestly as she does.
SIR OLIVER. Perhaps MY being here prevents her coming to you— well I'll leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all presently to Mr. Surface's—where I am now returning— if not to reclaim a Libertine, at least to expose Hypocrisy.
SIR PETER. Ah! I'll be present at your discovering yourself there with all my heart; though 'tis a vile unlucky Place for discoveries.
SIR OLIVER. However it is very convenient to the carrying on of my Plot that you all live so near one another! [Exit SIR OLIVER.]
ROWLEY. We'll follow—
SIR PETER. She is not coming here you see, Rowley—
ROWLEY. No but she has left the Door of that Room open you perceive.—see she is in Tears—!
SIR PETER. She seems indeed to wish I should go to her.—how dejected she appears—
ROWLEY. And will you refrain from comforting her—
SIR PETER. Certainly a little mortification appears very becoming in a wife—don't you think it will do her good to let her Pine a little.
ROWLEY. O this is ungenerous in you—
SIR PETER. Well I know not what to think—you remember Rowley the Letter I found of her's—evidently intended for Charles?
ROWLEY. A mere forgery, Sir Peter—laid in your way on Purpose— this is one of the Points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction on—
SIR PETER. I wish I were once satisfied of that—She looks this way——what a remarkably elegant Turn of the Head she has! Rowley I'll go to her—
ROWLEY. Certainly—
SIR PETER. Tho' when it is known that we are reconciled, People will laugh at me ten times more!
ROWLEY. Let—them laugh—and retort their malice only by showing them you are happy in spite of it.
SIR PETER. Efaith so I will—and, if I'm not mistaken we may yet be the happiest couple in the country—
ROWLEY. Nay Sir Peter—He who once lays aside suspicion——
SIR PETER. Hold Master Rowley—if you have any Regard for me— never let me hear you utter anything like a Sentiment. I have had enough of THEM to serve me the rest of my Life. [Exeunt.]
SCENE THE LAST.—The Library
SURFACE and LADY SNEERWELL
LADY SNEERWELL. Impossible! will not Sir Peter immediately be reconciled to CHARLES? and of consequence no longer oppose his union with MARIA? the thought is Distraction to me!
SURFACE. Can Passion—furnish a Remedy?
LADY SNEERWELL. No—nor cunning either. O I was a Fool, an Ideot— to league with such a Blunderer!
SURFACE. Surely Lady Sneerwell I am the greatest Sufferer—yet you see I bear the accident with Calmness.
LADY SNEERWELL. Because the Disappointment hasn't reached your HEART—your interest only attached you to Maria—had you felt for her—what I have for that ungrateful Libertine—neither your Temper nor Hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your Vexation.
SURFACE. But why should your Reproaches fall on me for this Disappointment?
LADY SNEERWELL. Are not you the cause of it? what had you to bate in your Pursuit of Maria to pervert Lady Teazle by the way.—had you not a sufficient field for your Roguery in blinding Sir Peter and supplanting your Brother—I hate such an avarice of crimes—'tis an unfair monopoly and never prospers.
SURFACE. Well I admit I have been to blame—I confess I deviated from the direct Road of wrong but I don't think we're so totally defeated neither.
LADY SNEERWELL. No!
SURFACE. You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met— and that you still believe him faithful to us—
LADY SNEERWELL. I do believe so.
SURFACE. And that he has undertaken should it be necessary—to swear and prove that Charles is at this Time contracted by vows and Honour to your Ladyship—which some of his former letters to you will serve to support—
LADY SNEERWELL. This, indeed, might have assisted—
SURFACE. Come—come it is not too late yet—but hark! this is probably my Unkle Sir Oliver—retire to that Room—we'll consult further when He's gone.—
LADY SNEERWELL. Well but if HE should find you out to—
SURFACE. O I have no fear of that—Sir Peter will hold his tongue for his own credit sake—and you may depend on't I shall soon Discover Sir Oliver's weak side!—
LADY SNEERWELL. I have no diffidence of your abilities—only be constant to one roguery at a time— [Exit.]
SURFACE. I will—I will—So 'tis confounded hard after such bad Fortune, to be baited by one's confederate in evil—well at all events my character is so much better than Charles's, that I certainly—hey—what!—this is not Sir Oliver—but old Stanley again!—Plague on't that He should return to teaze me just now— I shall have Sir Oliver come and find him here—and——
Enter SIR OLIVER
Gad's life, Mr. Stanley—why have you come back to plague me at this time? you must not stay now upon my word!
SIR OLIVER. Sir—I hear your Unkle Oliver is expected here— and tho' He has been so penurious to you, I'll try what He'll do for me—
SURFACE. Sir! 'tis impossible for you to stay now—so I must beg——come any other time and I promise you you shall be assisted.
SIR OLIVER. No—Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted—
SURFACE. Zounds Sir then [I] insist on your quitting the— Room directly—
SIR OLIVER. Nay Sir——
SURFACE. Sir—I insist on't—here William show this Gentleman out. Since you compel me Sir—not one moment—this is such insolence. [Going to push him out.]
Enter CHARLES
CHARLES. Heyday! what's the matter now?—what the Devil have you got hold of my little Broker here! Zounds—Brother, don't hurt little Premium. What's the matter—my little Fellow?
SURFACE. So! He has been with you, too, has He—
CHARLES. To be sure He has! Why, 'tis as honest a little—— But sure Joseph you have not been borrowing money too have you?
SURFACE. Borrowing—no!—But, Brother—you know sure we expect Sir Oliver every——
CHARLES. O Gad, that's true—Noll mustn't find the little Broker here to be sure—
SURFACE. Yet Mr. Stanley insists——
CHARLES. Stanley—why his name's Premium—
SURFACE. No no Stanley.
CHARLES. No, no—Premium.
SURFACE. Well no matter which—but——
CHARLES. Aye aye Stanley or Premium, 'tis the same thing as you say—for I suppose He goes by half a hundred Names, besides A. B's at the Coffee-House. [Knock.]
SURFACE. 'Sdeath—here's Sir Oliver at the Door——Now I beg— Mr. Stanley——
CHARLES. Aye aye and I beg Mr. Premium——
SIR OLIVER. Gentlemen——
SURFACE. Sir, by Heaven you shall go—
CHARLES. Aye out with him certainly——
SIR OLIVER. This violence——
SURFACE. 'Tis your own Fault.
CHARLES. Out with him to be sure. [Both forcing SIR OLIVER out.]
Enter SIR PETER TEAZLE, LADY TEAZLE, MARIA, and ROWLEY
SIR PETER. My old Friend, Sir Oliver!—hey! what in the name of wonder!—Here are dutiful Nephews!—assault their Unkle at his first Visit!
LADY TEAZLE. Indeed Sir Oliver 'twas well we came in to rescue you.
ROWLEY. Truly it was—for I perceive Sir Oliver the character of old Stanley was no Protection to you.
SIR OLIVER. Nor of Premium either—the necessities of the former could not extort a shilling from that benevolent Gentleman; and with the other I stood a chance of faring worse than my Ancestors, and being knocked down without being bid for.
SURFACE. Charles!
CHARLES. Joseph!
SURFACE. 'Tis compleat!
CHARLES. Very!
SIR OLIVER. Sir Peter—my Friend and Rowley too—look on that elder Nephew of mine—You know what He has already received from my Bounty and you know also how gladly I would have look'd on half my Fortune as held in trust for him—judge then my Disappointment in discovering him to be destitute of Truth—Charity—and Gratitude—
SIR PETER. Sir Oliver—I should be more surprized at this Declaration, if I had not myself found him to be selfish— treacherous and Hypocritical.
LADY TEAZLE. And if the Gentleman pleads not guilty to these pray let him call ME to his Character.
SIR PETER. Then I believe we need add no more—if He knows himself He will consider it as the most perfect Punishment that He is known to the world—
CHARLES. If they talk this way to Honesty—what will they say to ME by and bye!
SIR OLIVER. As for that Prodigal—his Brother there——
CHARLES. Aye now comes my Turn—the damn'd Family Pictures will ruin me—
SURFACE. Sir Oliver—Unkle—will you honour me with a hearing—
CHARLES. I wish Joseph now would make one of his long speeches and I might recollect myself a little—
SIR OLIVER. And I suppose you would undertake to vindicate yourself entirely—
SURFACE. I trust I could—
SIR OLIVER. Nay—if you desert your Roguery in its Distress and try to be justified—you have even less principle than I thought you had.—[To CHARLES SURFACE] Well, Sir—and YOU could JUSTIFY yourself too I suppose—
CHARLES. Not that I know of, Sir Oliver.
SIR OLIVER. What[!] little Premium has been let too much into the secret I presume.
CHARLES. True—Sir—but they were Family Secrets, and should not be mentioned again you know.
ROWLEY. Come Sir Oliver I know you cannot speak of Charles's Follies with anger.
SIR OLIVER. Odd's heart no more I can—nor with gravity either— Sir Peter do you know the Rogue bargain'd with me for all his Ancestors—sold me judges and Generals by the Foot, and Maiden Aunts as cheap as broken China!
CHARLES. To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a little free with the Family Canvas that's the truth on't:—my Ancestors may certainly rise in judgment against me there's no denying it—but believe me sincere when I tell you, and upon my soul I would not say so if I was not—that if I do not appear mortified at the exposure of my Follies, it is because I feel at this moment the warmest satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal benefactor.
SIR OLIVER. Charles—I believe you—give me your hand again: the ill-looking little fellow over the Couch has made your Peace.
CHARLES. Then Sir—my Gratitude to the original is still encreased.
LADY TEAZLE. [Advancing.] Yet I believe, Sir Oliver, here is one whom Charles is still more anxious to be reconciled to.
SIR OLIVER. O I have heard of his Attachment there—and, with the young Lady's Pardon if I construe right that Blush——
SIR PETER. Well—Child—speak your sentiments—you know—we are going to be reconciled to Charles—
MARIA. Sir—I have little to say—but that I shall rejoice to hear that He is happy—For me—whatever claim I had to his Affection— I willing resign to one who has a better title.
CHARLES. How Maria!
SIR PETER. Heyday—what's the mystery now? while he appeared an incorrigible Rake, you would give your hand to no one else and now that He's likely to reform I'll warrant You won't have him!
MARIA. His own Heart—and Lady Sneerwell know the cause.
[CHARLES.] Lady Sneerwell!
SURFACE. Brother it is with great concern—I am obliged to speak on this Point, but my Regard to justice obliges me— and Lady Sneerwell's injuries can no longer—be concealed— [Goes to the Door.]
Enter LADY SNEERWELL
SIR PETER. Soh! another French milliner egad! He has one in every Room in the House I suppose—
LADY SNEERWELL. Ungrateful Charles! Well may you be surprised and feel for the indelicate situation which your Perfidy has forced me into.
CHARLES. Pray Unkle, is this another Plot of yours? for as I have Life I don't understand it.
SURFACE. I believe Sir there is but the evidence of one Person more necessary to make it extremely clear.
SIR PETER. And that Person—I imagine, is Mr. Snake—Rowley—you were perfectly right to bring him with us—and pray let him appear.
ROWLEY. Walk in, Mr. Snake—
Enter SNAKE
I thought his Testimony might be wanted—however it happens unluckily that He comes to confront Lady Sneerwell and not to support her—
LADY SNEERWELL. A Villain!—Treacherous to me at last! Speak, Fellow, have you too conspired against me?
SNAKE. I beg your Ladyship—ten thousand Pardons—you paid me extremely Liberally for the Lie in question—but I unfortunately have been offer'd double to speak the Truth.
LADY SNEERWELL. The Torments of Shame and Disappointment on you all!
LADY TEAZLE. Hold—Lady Sneerwell—before you go let me thank you for the trouble you and that Gentleman have taken in writing Letters from me to Charles and answering them yourself—and let me also request you to make my Respects to the Scandalous College—of which you are President—and inform them that Lady Teazle, Licentiate, begs leave to return the diploma they granted her—as she leaves of[f] Practice and kills Characters no longer.
LADY SNEERWELL. Provoking—insolent!—may your Husband live these fifty years! [Exit.]
SIR PETER. Oons what a Fury——
LADY TEAZLE. A malicious Creature indeed!
SIR PETER. Hey—not for her last wish?—
LADY TEAZLE. O No—
SIR OLIVER. Well Sir, and what have you to say now?
SURFACE. Sir, I am so confounded, to find that Lady Sneerwell could be guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this manner to impose on us all that I know not what to say——however, lest her Revengeful Spirit should prompt her to injure my Brother I had certainly better follow her directly. [Exit.]
SIR PETER. Moral to the last drop!
SIR OLIVER. Aye and marry her Joseph if you can.—Oil and Vinegar egad:—you'll do very well together.
ROWLEY. I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at Present—
SNAKE. Before I go—I beg Pardon once for all for whatever uneasiness I have been the humble instrument of causing to the Parties present.
SIR PETER. Well—well you have made atonement by a good Deed at last—
SNAKE. But I must Request of the Company that it shall never be known—
SIR PETER. Hey!—what the Plague—are you ashamed of having done a right thing once in your life?
SNAKE. Ah: Sir—consider I live by the Badness of my Character!— I have nothing but my Infamy to depend on!—and, if it were once known that I had been betray'd into an honest Action, I should lose every Friend I have in the world.
SIR OLIVER. Well—well we'll not traduce you by saying anything to your Praise never fear. [Exit SNAKE.]
SIR PETER. There's a precious Rogue—Yet that fellow is a Writer and a Critic.
LADY TEAZLE. See[,] Sir Oliver[,] there needs no persuasion now to reconcile your Nephew and Maria—
SIR OLIVER. Aye—aye—that's as it should be and egad we'll have the wedding to-morrow morning—
CHARLES. Thank you, dear Unkle!
SIR PETER. What! you rogue don't you ask the Girl's consent first—
CHARLES. Oh, I have done that a long time—above a minute ago— nd She has look'd yes—
MARIA. For Shame—Charles—I protest Sir Peter, there has not been a word——
SIR OLIVER. Well then the fewer the Better—may your love for each other never know—abatement.
SIR PETER. And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle and I—intend to do—
CHARLES. Rowley my old Friend—I am sure you congratulate me and I suspect too that I owe you much.
SIR OLIVER. You do, indeed, Charles—
ROWLEY. If my Efforts to serve you had not succeeded you would have been in my debt for the attempt—but deserve to be happy—and you over-repay me.
SIR PETER. Aye honest Rowley always said you would reform.
CHARLES. Why as to reforming Sir Peter I'll make no promises— and that I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it— But here shall be my Monitor—my gentle Guide.—ah! can I leave the Virtuous path those Eyes illumine?
Tho' thou, dear Maid, should'st wave [waive] thy Beauty's Sway, —Thou still must Rule—because I will obey: An humbled fugitive from Folly View, No sanctuary near but Love and YOU: You can indeed each anxious Fear remove, For even Scandal dies if you approve. [To the audience.]
EPILOGUE
BY MR. COLMAN
SPOKEN BY LADY TEAZLE
I, who was late so volatile and gay, Like a trade-wind must now blow all one way, Bend all my cares, my studies, and my vows, To one dull rusty weathercock—my spouse! So wills our virtuous bard—the motley Bayes Of crying epilogues and laughing plays! Old bachelors, who marry smart young wives, Learn from our play to regulate your lives: Each bring his dear to town, all faults upon her— London will prove the very source of honour. Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it serves, When principles relax, to brace the nerves: Such is my case; and yet I must deplore That the gay dream of dissipation's o'er. And say, ye fair! was ever lively wife, Born with a genius for the highest life, Like me untimely blasted in her bloom, Like me condemn'd to such a dismal doom? Save money—when I just knew how to waste it! Leave London—just as I began to taste it! Must I then watch the early crowing cock, The melancholy ticking of a clock; In a lone rustic hall for ever pounded, With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling brats surrounded? With humble curate can I now retire, (While good Sir Peter boozes with the squire,) And at backgammon mortify my soul, That pants for loo, or flutters at a vole? Seven's the main! Dear sound that must expire, Lost at hot cockles round a Christmas fire; The transient hour of fashion too soon spent, Farewell the tranquil mind, farewell content! Farewell the plumed head, the cushion'd tete, That takes the cushion from its proper seat! That spirit-stirring drum!—card drums I mean, Spadille—odd trick—pam—basto—king and queen! And you, ye knockers, that, with brazen throat, The welcome visitors' approach denote; Farewell all quality of high renown, Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious town! Farewell! your revels I partake no more, And Lady Teazle's occupation's o'er! All this I told our bard; he smiled, and said 'twas clear, I ought to play deep tragedy next year. Meanwhile he drew wise morals from his play, And in these solemn periods stalk'd away:—- "Bless'd were the fair like you; her faults who stopp'd, And closed her follies when the curtain dropp'd! No more in vice or error to engage, Or play the fool at large on life's great stage."
<End of play><End of play>
This PORTRAIT and Garrick's PROLOGUE are not included in Fraser Rae's text.
From Sheridan's manuscript.
The story in Act I. Scene I., told by Crabtree about Miss Letitia Piper, is repeated here, the speaker being Sir Peter:
SIR PETER. O nine out of ten malicious inventions are founded on some ridiculous misrepresentation—Mrs. Candour you remember how poor Miss Shepherd lost her Lover and her Character one Summer at Tunbridge.
MRS. C. To be sure that was a very ridiculous affair.
CRABTREE. Pray tell us Sir Peter how it was.
SIR P. Why madam—[The story follows.]
MRS. C. Ha ha strange indeed—
SIR P. Matter of Fact I assure you....
LADY T. As sure as can be—Sir Peter will grow scandalous himself—if you encourage him to tell stories. [Fraser Rae's footnote—Ed.]
The words which follow this title are not inserted in the manuscript of the play. [Fraser Rae's footnote.—Ed.]
From this place to Scene ii. Act IV. several sheets are missing. [Fraser Rae's footnote.—Ed.]
THE END |
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