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How hath he been pelted, pestered, and pounded by one single wag, who promiseth never to forsake him living or dead![151]
I was much pleased with the humour of a surgeon in this town, who having in his own apprehension, received some great injustice from the Earl of Galway,[152] and despairing of revenge, as well as relief, declared to all his friends that he had set apart a hundred guineas to purchase the Earl's carcase from the sexton, whenever it should die; to make a skeleton of the bones, stuff the hide, and shew them for threepence; and thus get vengeance for the injuries he had suffered by the owner.
Of the like spirit too often is that implacable race of wits, against whom there is no defence but innocence, and philosophy: Neither of which is likely to be at hand; and therefore the wounded have nowhere to fly for a cure, but to downright stupidity, a crazed head, or a profligate contempt of guilt and shame.
I am therefore sorry for that other miserable creature Traulus,[153] who although of somewhat a different species, yet seems very far to outdo even the genius of Pistorides, in that miscarrying talent of railing without consistency or discretion, against the most innocent persons, according to the present situation of his gall and spleen. I do not blame an honest gentleman for the bitterest invectives against one to whom he professeth the greatest friendship; provided he acts in the dark, so as not to be discovered. But in the midst of caresses, visits, and invitations, to run into the streets, or to as public a place, and without the least pretended excitement, sputter out the basest and falsest accusations; then to wipe his mouth, come up smiling to his friend, shake him by the hand, and tell him in a whisper, it was "all for his service;" this proceeding, I am bold to think a great failure in prudence; and I am afraid lest such a practitioner, with a body so open, so foul, and so full of sores, may fall under the resentment of an incensed political surgeon, who is not in much renown for his mercy upon great provocation: who without waiting for his death, will flay, and dissect him alive, and to the view of mankind lay open all the disordered cells of his brain, the venom of his tongue, the corruption of his heart, and spots and flatuses of his spleen—And all this for threepence.[154]
In such a case what a scene would be laid open! and to drop my metaphor what a character of our mistaking friend might an angry enemy draw and expose! particularizing that unnatural conjunction of vices and follies, so inconsistent with each other in the same breast: Furious and fawning, scurrilous and flattering, cowardly and provoking, insolent and abject; most profligately false, with the strongest professions of sincerity, positive and variable, tyrannical and slavish.
I apprehend that if all this should be set out to the world by an angry Whig of the old stamp, the unavoidable consequence must be a confinement of our friend for some months more to his garret, and thereby depriving the public for so long a time, and in so important a juncture, of his useful talents in their service, while he is fed like a wild beast through a hole; but I hope with a special regard to the quantity and quality of his nourishment.
In vain would his excusers endeavour to palliate his enormities, by imputing them to madness:[155] Because, it is well known, that madness only operates by inflaming and enlarging the good or evil dispositions of the mind: For the curators of Bedlam assure us, that some lunatics are persons of honour, truth, benevolence, and many other virtues, which appear in their highest ravings, although after a wild incoherent manner; while others on the contrary, discover in every word and action the utmost baseness and depravity of human minds; which infallibly they possessed in the same degree, although perhaps under a better regulation, before their entrance into that academy.
But it may be objected, that there is an argument of much force to excuse the overflowings of that zeal, which our friend shews or means for our cause. And it must be confessed, that the easy and smooth fluency of his elocution bestowed on him by nature, and cultivated by continual practice, added to the comeliness of his person, the harmony of his voice, the gracefulness of his manner, and the decency of his dress, are temptations too strong for such a genius to resist upon any public occasion of making them appear with universal applause: And if good men are sometimes accused of loving their jest better than their friend, surely to gain the reputation of the first orator in the kingdom, no man of spirit would scruple to lose all the friends he had in the world.
It is usual for masters to make their boys declaim on both sides of an argument; and as some kinds of assemblies are called the schools of politics, I confess nothing can better improve political school-boys, than the art of making plausible or implausible harangues, against the very opinion for which they resolve to determine.
So Cardinal Perron after having spoke for an hour to the admiration of all his hearers, to prove the existence of God; told some of his intimates that he could have spoken another hour, and much better, to prove the contrary.
I have placed this reasoning in the strongest light, that I think it will bear; and have nothing to answer, but that allowing it as much weight as the reader shall please, it hath constantly met with ill success in the mouth of our friend, whether for want of good luck, or good management I suspend my judgment.
To return from this long digression. If persons in high stations have been allowed to choose mistresses, without regard even to difference in religion, yet never incurred the least reflection on their loyalty or their Protestantism; shall the chief governor of a great kingdom be censured for choosing a companion, who may formerly have been suspected for differing from the orthodox in some speculative opinions of persons and things, which cannot affect the fundamental principles of a sound Whig?
But let me suppose a very possible case. Here is a person sent to govern Ireland, whose unfortunate weak side it happens to be, for several reasons above-mentioned, that he hath encouraged the attendance of one or two gentlemen distinguished for their taste, their wit, and their learning; who have taken the oaths to his Majesty, and pray heartily for him: Yet because they may perhaps be stigmatized as quondam Tories by Pistorides and his gang; his Excellency must be forced to banish them under the pain and peril of displeasing the zealots of his own party; and thereby be put into a worse condition than every common good-fellow; who may be a sincere Protestant, and a loyal subject, and yet rather choose to drink fine ale at the Pope's head, than muddy at the King's.
Let me then return to my supposition. It is certain, the high-flown loyalists in the present sense of the word, have their thoughts, and studies, and tongues so entirely diverted by political schemes, that the zeal of their principles hath eaten up their understandings; neither have they time from their employments, their hopes, and their hourly labours for acquiring new additions of merit, to amuse themselves with philological converse, or speculations which are utterly ruinous to all schemes of rising in the world: What must then a great man do whose ill stars have fatally perverted him to a love, and taste, and possession of literature, politeness, and good sense? Our thorough-sped republic of Whigs, which contains the bulk of all hopers, pretenders, expecters and professors, are, beyond all doubt, most highly useful to princes, to governors, to great ministers, and to their country, but at the same time, and by necessary consequence, the most disagreeable companions to all who have that unfortunate turn of mind peculiar to his Excellency, and perhaps to five or six more in a nation.
I do not deny it possible, that an original or proselyte favourer of the times, might have been born to those useless talents which in former ages qualified a man to be a poet, or a philosopher. All I contend for is, that where the true genius of party once enters, it sweeps the house clean, and leaves room for many other spirits to take joint possession, till the last state of that man is exceedingly better than the first.
I allow it a great error in his Excellency that he adheres so obstinately to his old unfashionable academic education: Yet so perverse is human nature, that the usual remedies for this evil in others, have produced a contrary effect in him; to a degree, that I am credibly informed, he will, as I have already hinted, in the middle of a session quote passages out of Plato, and Pindar at his own table to some book-learned companion, without blushing, even when persons of great stations are by.
I will venture one step further; which is, freely to confess, that this mistaken method of educating youth in the knowledge of ancient learning and language, is too apt to spoil their politics and principles; because the doctrine and examples of the books they read, teach them lessons directly contrary in every point to the present practice of the world: And accordingly, Hobbes most judiciously observes, that the writings of the Greeks and Romans made young men imbibe opinions against absolute power in a prince, or even in a first minister, and to embrace notions of liberty and property.
It hath been therefore a great felicity to these kingdoms, that the heirs to titles and large estates, have a weakness in their eyes, a tenderness in their constitutions, are not able to bear the pain and indignity of whipping; and as the mother rightly expresses it, could never take to their book; yet are well enough qualified to sign a receipt for half a year's rent, to put their names (rightly spelt) to a warrant, and to read pamphlets against religion and high-flying; whereby they fill their niches, and carry themselves through the world with that dignity which best becomes a senator, and a squire.[156]
I could heartily wish his Excellency would be more condescending to the genius of the kingdom he governs, to the condition of the times, and to the nature of the station he fills. Yet if it be true, what I have read in old English story-books, that one Agesilaus (no matter to the bulk of my readers, whether I spell the names right or wrong) was caught by the parson of the parish, riding on a hobby-horse with his children; that Socrates a heathen philosopher, was found dancing by himself at fourscore; that a king called Caesar Augustus (or some such name) used to play with boys; whereof some might possibly be sons of Tories; and, that two great men called Scipio and Laelius, (I forget their Christian names, and whether they were poets or generals,) often played at duck and drake with smooth stones on a river. Now I say, if these facts be true (and the book where I found them is in print) I cannot imagine why our most zealous patriots may not a little indulge his Excellency, in an infirmity which is not morally evil, provided he gives no public scandal (which is by all means to be avoided) I say, why he may not be indulged twice a week to converse with one or two particular persons, and let him and them con over their old exploded readings together, after mornings spent in hearing and prescribing ways and means from and to his most obedient politicians, for the welfare of the kingdom; although the said particular person or persons may not have made so public a declaration of their political faith in all its parts, as the business of the nation requires. Still submitting my opinion to that happy majority, which I am confident is always in the right; by whom the liberty of the subject hath been so frequently, so strenuously, and so successfully asserted; who by their wise counsels have made commerce to flourish, money to abound, inhabitants to increase, the value of lands and rents to rise; and the whole island put on a new face of plenty and prosperity.
But in order to clear his Excellency, more fully from this accusation of shewing his favours to high-flyers, Tories, and Jacobites; it will be necessary to come to particulars.
The first person of a Tory denomination to whom his Excellency gave any marks of his favour, was Doctor Thomas Sheridan.[157] It is to be observed, that this happened so early in his Excellency's government, as it may be justly supposed he had not been informed of that gentleman's character upon so dangerous an article. The Doctor being well known and distinguished, for his skill and success in the education of youth, beyond most of his profession for many years past, was recommended to his Excellency on the score of his learning, and particularly for his knowledge in the Greek tongue, whereof it seems his Excellency is a great admirer, although for what reasons I could never imagine. However it is agreed on all hands, that his lordship was too easily prevailed on by the Doctor's request, or indeed rather from the bias of his own nature, to hear a tragedy acted in that unknown language by the Doctor's lads,[158] which was written by some heathen author, but whether it contained any Tory or High-Church principles, must be left to the consciences of the boys, the Doctor, and his Excellency: The only witnesses in this case, whose testimonies can be depended upon.
It seems, his Excellency (a thing never to be sufficiently wondered at) was so pleased with his entertainment, that some time after he gave the Doctor a church living to the value of almost one hundred pounds a year, and made him one of his chaplains, from an antiquated notion, that good schoolmasters ought to be encouraged in every nation, professing civility and religion. Yet his Excellency did not venture to make this bold step without strong recommendations from persons of undoubted principles, fitted to the times; who thought themselves bound in justice, honour, and gratitude, to do the Doctor a good office in return for the care he had taken of their children, or those of their friends.[159] Yet the catastrophe was terrible: For, the Doctor in the height of his felicity and gratitude, going down to take possession of his parish, and furnished with a few led-sermons, whereof as it is to be supposed the number was very small, having never served a cure in the Church; he stopped at Cork to attend on his bishop; and going to church on the Sunday following, was according to the usual civility of country clergymen, invited by the minister of the parish to supply the pulpit. It happened to be the first of August[160]; and the first of August happened that year to light upon a Sunday: And it happened that the Doctor's text was in these words; "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof;" and lastly it happened, that some one person of the congregation, whose loyalty made him watchful upon every appearance of danger to his Majesty's person and Government, when service was over, gave the alarm. Notice was immediately sent up to town, and by the zeal of one man[161] of no large dimensions of body or mind, such a clamour was raised, that we in Dublin could apprehend no less than an invasion by the Pretender, who must be landed in the South. The result was, that the Doctor must be struck out of the chaplains' list, and appear no more at the Castle; yet, whether he were then, or be at this day, a Whig or a Tory, I think is a secret; only it is manifest, that he is a zealous Hanoverian, at least in poetry,[162] and a great adorer of the present Royal Family through all its branches. His friends likewise assert, that he had preached this same sermon often, under the same text; that not having observed the words till he was in the pulpit, and had opened his notes; as he is a person a little abstracted, he wanted presence of mind to change them: And that in the whole sermon there was not a syllable relating to Government or party, or to the subject of the day.
In this incident there seems to have been an union of events, that will probably never happen again to the end of the world, or at least like the grand conjunction in the heavens, which I think they say can arrive but once in twenty thousand years.
The second gentleman (if I am right in my chronology) who under the suspicion of a Tory, received some favour from his Excellency, is Mr. James Stopford[163]; very strongly recommended by the most eminent Whig in England, on the account of his learning, and virtue, and other accomplishments. He had passed the greatest part of his youth in close study, or in travelling; and was neither not at home, or not at leisure to trouble his thoughts about party; which I allow to be a great omission; though I cannot honestly place him in the list of Tories, and therefore think his Excellency may be fairly acquitted for making him Vicar of Finglass, worth about one hundred and fifty pounds a year.
The third is Doctor Patrick Delany.[164] This divine lies under some disadvantage; having in his youth received many civilities from a certain person then in a very high station here,[165] for which reason I doubt the Doctor never drank his confusion since: And what makes the matter desperate, it is now too late; unless our inquisitors will be content with drinking confusion to his memory. The aforesaid eminent person who was a judge of all merit but party, distinguished the Doctor among other juniors in our University, for his learning, virtue, discretion, and good sense. But the Doctor was then in too good a situation at his college, to hope or endeavour at a better establishment, from one who had no power to give it him.
Upon the present Lord-Lieutenant's coming over, the Doctor was named to his Excellency by a friend,[166] among other clergy of distinction, as persons whose characters it was proper his Excellency should know: And by the truth of which the giver would be content to stand or fall in his Excellency's opinion; since not one of those persons were in particular friendship with the gentleman who gave in their names. By this and some other incidents, particularly the recommendation of the late Archbishop of Dublin,[167] the Doctor became known to his Excellency; whose fatal turn of mind toward heathenish and outlandish books and languages, finding, as I conceive a like disposition in the Doctor, was the cause of his becoming so domestic, as we are told he is, at the Castle of Dublin.
Three or four years ago, the Doctor grown weary of an academic life, for some reasons best known to the managers of the discipline in that learned society (which it may not be for their honour to mention[168]) resolved to leave it, although by the benefit of the pupils, and his senior-fellowship with all its perquisites, he received every year between nine hundred and a thousand pounds.
And a small northern living, in the University's donation, of somewhat better than hundred pounds a year, falling at the same time with the Chancellorship of Christ-Church, to about equal the value, in the gift of his Excellency, the Doctor ventured into the world in a very scanty condition, having squandered away all his annual income in a manner, which although perhaps proper enough for a clergyman without a family, will not be for the advantage of his character to discover either on the exchange, or at a banker's shop.
About two months ago, his Excellency gave the Doctor a prebend in St. Patrick's Cathedral; which being of near the same value with either of the two former, will add a third part to his revenues, after he shall have paid the great incumbrances upon it; so that he may now be said to possess of Church preferments in scattered tithes, three hundred pounds a year, instead of the like sum of infallible rents from a senior fellowship with the offices annexed; beside the advantage of a free lodging, and some other easements.
But since the Doctor hath not in any of his writings, his sermons, his actions, his discourse, or his company, discovered one single principle of either Whig or Tory; and that the Lord Lieutenant still continues to admit him; I shall boldly pronounce him ONE OF US: but like a new free-mason, who hath not yet learned all the dialect of the mystery. Neither can he justly be accused of any Tory doctrines, except perhaps some among those few, with which that wicked party was charged, during the height of their power; but have been since transferred for the most solid reasons, to the whole body of our firmest friends.
I have now done with the clergy; And upon the strictest examination have not been able to find above one of that order, against whom any party suspicion can lie, which is the unfortunate gentleman, Doctor Sheridan, who by mere chance-medley shot his own fortune dead with a single text.
As to the laity I can hear of but one person of the Tory stamp, who since the beginning of his Excellency's government, did ever receive any solid mark of his favour; I mean Sir Arthur Acheson,[169] reported to be an acknowledged Tory, and what is almost as bad, a scholar into the bargain. It is whispered about as a certain truth, that this gentleman is to have a grant of a certain barrack upon his estate, within two miles of his own house; for which the Crown is to be his tenant, at the rent of sixty pounds per annum; he being only at the expense of about five hundred pounds, to put the house in repair, build stables, and other necessaries. I will place this invidious mark of beneficence, conferred on a Tory, in a fair light, by computing the costs and necessary defalcations; after which it may be seen how much Sir Arthur will be annually a clear gainer by the public, notwithstanding his unfortunate principles, and his knowledge in Greek and Latin.
For repairs, &c. 500l. the interest whereof per ann. 30 0 0 For all manner of poultry to furnish the troopers, but which the said troopers must be at the labour of catching, valued per ann. 5 0 0 For straggling sheep, 8 0 0 For game destroyed five miles round, 6 0 0 ———— 49 0 0
Rent paid to Sir Arthur, 60 0 0 Deduct 49 0 0 ——— Remains clear, 11 0 0 ———
Thus, if Sir Arthur Acheson shall have the good fortune to obtain a grant of this barrack, he will receive net profit annually from the Crown ELEVEN pounds sterling to help him in entertaining the officers, and making provisions for his younger children.
It is true, there is another advantage to be expected, which may fully compensate the loss of cattle and poultry; by multiplying the breed of mankind, and particularly of good Protestants, in a part of the Kingdom half depopulated by the wild humour among the farmers there, of leaving their country. But I am not so skilful in arithmetic, as to compute the value.
I have reckoned one per cent. below the legal interest for the money that Sir Arthur must expend, and valued the damage in the other articles very moderately. However, I am confident he may with good management be a saver at least; which is a prodigious instance of moderation in our friends toward a professed Tory, whatever merit he may pretend by the unwillingness he hath shewn to make his Excellency uneasy in his administration.
Thus I have with the utmost impartiality collected every single favour, (further than personal civilities) conferred by his Excellency on Tories, and reputed Tories, since his first arrival hither to this present 13th day of April, in the year of our Lord 1730, giving all allowance possible to the arguments on the other side of the question.
* * * * *
And the account will stand thus.
Disposed of preferments and employments to Tories, or reputed Tories, by his Excellency the Lord Lieutenant in about the space of six years.
To Doctor Thomas Sheridan in a rectory near Kinsale, per ann. 100 0 0 To Sir Arthur Acheson, Baronet, a barrack, per ann. 11 0 0 —————- 111 0 0 —————-
Give me leave now to compute in gross the value of the favours done by his Excellency to the true friends of their King and Country, and of the Protestant religion.
It is to be remembered, that although his Excellency cannot be properly said to bestow bishoprics, commands in the army, the place of a judge, or commissioner in the revenue, and some others; yet they are, for the most part, disposed upon his recommendation, except where the persons are immediately sent from England by their interest at Court, for which I have allowed large defalcations in the following accounts. And it is remarkable that the only considerable station conferred on a reputed Tory since his present Excellency's government was of this latter kind.
And indeed it is but too remarkable, that in a neighbouring nation, (where that dangerous denomination of men is incomparably more numerous, more powerful, and of consequence more formidable) real Tories can often with much less difficulty obtain very high favours from the Government, than their reputed brethren can arrive to the lowest in ours. I observe this with all possible submission to the wisdom of their policy, which, however, will not I believe, dispute the praise of vigilance with ours.
WHIG Account.
To persons promoted to bishoprics, or removed to more beneficial ones, computed per ann. 10050 0 0 To civil employments, 9030 0 0 To military commands, 8436 0 0 —————- 27516 0 0
TORY Account.
To Tories 111 0 0 —————- Balance 27405 0 0 —————-
I shall conclude with this observation. That, as I think, the Tories have sufficient reason to be fully satisfied with the share of trust, and power, and employments which they possess under the lenity of the present Government; so, I do not find how his Excellency can be justly censured for favouring none but High-Church, high-fliers, termagants, Laudists, Sacheverellians, tip-top-gallant-men, Jacobites, tantivies, anti-Hanoverians, friends to Popery and the Pretender, and to arbitrary power, disobligers of England, breakers of DEPENDENCY, inflamers of quarrels between the two nations, public incendiaries, enemies to the King and Kingdoms, haters of TRUE Protestants, laurelmen, Annists, complainers of the Nation's poverty, Ormondians, iconoclasts, anti-Glorious-memorists, white-rosalists, tenth-a-Junians, and the like: when by a fair state of the account, the balance, I conceive, plainly lies on the other side.[170]
A PROPOSAL
FOR
AN ACT OF PARLIAMENT, TO PAY OFF THE DEBT OF THE NATION,
WITHOUT TAXING THE SUBJECT.
BY WHICH THE NUMBER OF LANDED GENTRY AND SUBSTANTIAL FARMERS WILL BE CONSIDERABLY INCREASED, AND NO ONE PERSON WILL BE THE POORER, OR CONTRIBUTE ONE FARTHING TO THE CHARGE.
NOTE.
In volume three of the present edition two tracts are given relating to attempts made by the bishops of Ireland for enlarging their powers. These tracts are entitled: "On the Bill for the Clergy's residing on their Livings," and "Considerations upon two Bills, sent down from the House of Lords and the House of Commons in Ireland relating to the Clergy of Ireland" (pp. 249-272). The bills which Swift argued against were evidently intended to give the bishops further powers and increased opportunities for making money. (The matter is gone into at length in the notes prefixed to the above reprints.) The bishops sought rights which would enable them to obtain large powers in letting leases, and their eagerness to get such powers, coupled with the efforts they expended, showed that they had less regard for the Church's interest than for their own.
In the present tract Swift, with his usual assumption of grave consideration of an important question, but in reality with cutting irony, proposes to dispose of all the Church lands for a lump sum, give the bishops their full just share, including the amount of fines for possible renewals of leases, and, at the same time, pay off the national debt with the money that remains. With an air of strict seriousness he solemnly computes the exact sums obtainable, and impartially divides the amounts with accurate care. Then, with a dig at the strangers England was continually sending to Irish preferments, among whom he counts himself, he concludes by saying that although the interests of such cannot be expected to be those of the country to which they have been translated, yet he, as one of them, is quite willing, and indeed feels himself in duty bound "to consult the interest of people among whom I have been so well received. And if I can be any way instrumental toward contributing to reduce this excellent proposal into a law ... my sincere endeavours to serve this Church and kingdom will be rewarded."
* * * * *
The text of this pamphlet is based on that given at the end of the volume containing the first edition of "Considerations upon two Bills," etc., published in 1732.
[T. S.]
A PROPOSAL FOR AN ACT OF PARLIAMENT, TO PAY OFF THE DEBT OF THE NATION, WITHOUT TAXING THE SUBJECT.
The debts contracted some years past for the service and safety of the nation, are grown so great, that under our present distressed condition by the want of trade, the great remittances to pay absentees, regiments serving abroad, and many other drains of money, well enough known and felt; the kingdom seems altogether unable to discharge them by the common methods of payment: And either a poll or land tax would be too odious to think of, especially the latter, because the lands, which have been let for these ten or dozen years past, were raised so high, that the owners can, at present, hardly receive any rent at all. For, it is the usual practice of an Irish tenant, rather than want land, to offer more for a farm than he knows he can be ever able to pay, and in that case he grows desperate, and pays nothing at all. So that a land-tax upon a racked estate would be a burthen wholly insupportable.
The question will then be, how these national debts can be paid, and how I can make good the several particulars of my proposal, which I shall now lay open to the public.
The revenues of their Graces and Lordships the Archbishops and Bishops of this kingdom (excluding the fines) do amount by a moderate computation to 36,800l. per ann. I mean the rents which the bishops receive from their tenants. But the real value of those lands at a full rent, taking the several sees one with another, is reckoned to be at least three-fourths more, so that multiplying 36,800l. by four, the full rent of all the bishops' lands will amount to 147,200l. per ann. from which subtracting the present rent received by their lordships, that is 36,800l. the profits of the lands received by the first and second tenants (who both have great bargains) will rise to the sum of 110,400l. per ann. which lands, if they were to be sold at twenty-two years' purchase, would raise a sum of 2,428,800l. reserving to the Bishops their present rents, only excluding fines.[171]
Of this sum I propose, that out of the one-half which amounts to 1,214,400l. so much be applied as will entirely discharge the debts of the nation, and the remainder laid up in the treasury, to supply contingencies, as well as to discharge some of our heavy taxes, until the kingdom shall be in a better condition.
But whereas the present set of bishops would be great losers by this scheme for want of their fines, which would be hard treatment to such religious, loyal and deserving personages, I have therefore set apart the other half to supply that defect, which it will more than sufficiently do.
A bishop's lease for the full term, is reckoned to be worth eleven years' purchase, but if we take the bishops round, I suppose, there may be four years of each lease elapsed, and many of the bishops being well stricken in years, I cannot think their lives round to be worth more than seven years' purchase; so that the purchasers may very well afford fifteen years' purchase for the reversion, especially by one great additional advantage, which I shall soon mention.
This sum of 2,428,800l. must likewise be sunk very considerably, because the lands are to be sold only at fifteen years' purchase, and this lessens the sum to about 1,656,000l. of which I propose twelve hundred thousand pounds to be applied partly for the payment of the national debt, and partly as a fund for future exigencies, and the remaining 456,000l. I propose as a fund for paying the present set of bishops their fines, which it will abundantly do, and a great part remain as an addition to the public stock.
Although the bishops round do not in reality receive three fines a-piece, which take up 21 years, yet I allow it to be so; but then I will suppose them to take but one year's rent, in recompense of giving them so large a term of life, and thus multiplying 36,800l. by 3 the product will be only 110,400l. so that above three-fourths will remain to be applied to public use.
If I have made wrong computations, I hope to be excused, as a stranger to the kingdom, which I never saw till I was called to an employment, and yet where I intend to pass the rest of my days; but I took care to get the best information I could, and from the most proper persons; however, the mistakes I may have been guilty of, will very little affect the main of my proposal, although they should cause a difference of one hundred thousand pounds more or less.
These fines, are only to be paid to the bishop during his incumbency in the same see; if he changeth it for a better, the purchasers of the vacant see lands, are to come immediately into possession of the see he hath left, and both the bishop who is removed, and he who comes into his place, are to have no more fines, for the removed bishop will find his account by a larger revenue; and the other see will find candidates enough. For the law maxim will here have place, that caveat, &c. I mean the persons who succeed may choose whether they will accept or no.
As to the purchasers, they will probably be tenants to the see, who are already in possession, and can afford to give more than any other bidders.
I will further explain myself. If a person already a bishop, be removed into a richer see, he must be content with the bare revenues, without any fines, and so must he who comes into a bishopric vacant by death: And this will bring the matter sooner to bear; which if the Crown shall think fit to countenance, will soon change the present set of bishops, and consequently encourage purchasers of their lands. For example, If a Primate should die, and the gradation be wisely made, almost the whole set of bishops might be changed in a month, each to his great advantage, although no fines were to be got, and thereby save a great part of that sum which I have appropriated towards supplying the deficiency of fines.
I have valued the bishops' lands two years' purchase above the usual computed rate, because those lands will have a sanction from the King and Council in England, and be confirmed by an Act of Parliament here; besides, it is well known, that higher prices are given every day, for worse lands, at the remotest distances, and at rack rents, which I take to be occasioned by want of trade, when there are few borrowers, and the little money in private hands lying dead, there is no other way to dispose of it but in buying of land, which consequently makes the owners hold it so high.
Besides paying the nation's debts, the sale of these lands would have many other good effects upon the nation; it will considerably increase the number of gentry, where the bishops' tenants are not able or willing to purchase; for the lands will afford an hundred gentlemen a good revenue to each; several persons from England will probably be glad to come over hither, and be the buyers, rather than give thirty years' purchase at home, under the loads of taxes for the public and the poor, as well as repairs, by which means much money may be brought among us, and probably some of the purchasers themselves may be content to live cheap in a worse country, rather than be at the charge of exchange and agencies, and perhaps of non-solvencies in absence, if they let their lands too high.
This proposal will also multiply farmers, when the purchasers will have lands in their own power, to give long and easy leases to industrious husbandmen.
I have allowed some bishoprics of equal income to be of more or less value to the purchaser, according as they are circumstanced. For instance, The lands of the primacy and some other sees, are let so low, that they hardly pay a fifth penny of the real value to the bishop, and there the fines are the greater. On the contrary, the sees of Meath and Clonfert, consisting, as I am told, much of tithes, those tithes are annually let to the tenants without any fines. So the see of Dublin is said to have many fee-farms which pay no fines, and some leases for lives which pay very little, and not so soon nor so duly.
I cannot but be confident, that their Graces my Lords the Archbishops, and my Lords the Bishops will heartily join in this proposal, out of gratitude to his late and present Majesty, the best of Kings, who have bestowed such high and opulent stations, as well as in pity to this country which is now become their own; whereby they will be instrumental towards paying the nation's debts, without impoverishing themselves, enrich an hundred gentlemen, as well as free them from dependence, and thus remove that envy which is apt to fall upon their Graces and Lordships from considerable persons, whose birth and fortunes rather qualify them to be lords of manors, than servile dependants upon Churchmen however dignified or distinguished.
If I do not flatter myself, there could not be any law more popular than this; for the immediate tenants to bishops, being some of them persons of quality, and good estates, and more of them grown up to be gentlemen by the profits of these very leases, under a succession of bishops, think it a disgrace to be subject both to rents and fines, at the pleasure of their landlords. Then the bulk of the tenants, especially the dissenters, who are our loyal Protestant brethren, look upon it both as an unnatural and iniquitous thing that bishops should be owners of land at all; (wherein I beg to differ from them) being a point so contrary to the practice of the Apostles, whose successors they are deemed to be, and who although they were contented that land should be sold, for the common use of the brethren, yet would not buy it themselves, but had it laid at their feet, to be distributed to poor proselytes.
I will add one word more, that by such a wholesome law, all the oppressions felt by under-tenants of Church leases, which are now laid on by the bishops would entirely be prevented, by their Graces and Lordships consenting to have their lands sold for payment of the nation's debts, reserving only the present rent for their own plentiful and honourable support.
I beg leave to add one particular, that, when heads of a Bill (as I find the style runs in this kingdom) shall be brought in for forming this proposal into a law; I should humbly offer that there might be a power given to every bishop (except those who reside in Dublin) for applying one hundred acres of profitable land that lies nearest to his palace, as a demesne for the conveniency of his family.
I know very well, that this scheme hath been much talked of for some time past, and is in the thoughts of many patriots, neither was it properly mine, although I fell readily into it, when it was first communicated to me.
Though I am almost a perfect stranger in this kingdom, yet since I have accepted an employment here, of some consequence as well as profit, I cannot but think myself in duty bound to consult the interest of a people, among whom I have been so well received. And if I can be any way instrumental towards contributing to reduce this excellent proposal into a law which being not in the least injurious to England, will, I am confident, meet with no opposition from that side, my sincere endeavours to serve this Church and kingdom will be well rewarded.
A CASE SUBMITTED BY DEAN SWIFT TO MR. LINDSAY, COUNSELLOR AT LAW.[172]
A. B. agent for J. S. comes to desire J. S. to sign an assignment of a lease in order to be registered for the security of 38l. J. S. asks A. B. to show him the lease A. B. says he left it at home. J. S. asks the said A. B. how many years of the lease are unexpired? what rent the tenant pays, and how much below the rack value? and what number of acres there are upon the farm? To each of which questions the agent A. B. answers categorically, that he cannot tell, and that he did not think J. would ask him such questions. The said A. B. was asked how he came two years after the lease was assigned, and not sooner, to have it registered. A. B. answers, that he could not sue till the assignment.
Query, Whether the said agent A. B. made any one answer like a man of business?
AN
EXAMINATION
OF
CERTAIN ABUSES, CORRUPTIONS, AND ENORMITIES
IN THE CITY OF DUBLIN.
NOTE.
Like many of Swift's satirical writings the title of this tract is no indication to its subject-matter. Whatever "abuses, corruptions and enormities" may have been rife in the city of Dublin in Swift's time, the pamphlet which follows certainly throws no light on them. It is in no sense a social document. But it is a very amusing and excellent piece of jeering at the fancied apprehensions that were rife about the Pretender, the "disaffected" people, and the Jacobites. It is aimed at the Whigs, who were continually using the party cries of "No Popery," "Jacobitism," and the other cognate expressions to distress their political opponents. At the same time, these cries had their effects, and created a great deal of mischief. The Roman Catholics, in particular, were cruelly treated because of the anxiety for the Protestant succession, and among the lower tradesmen, for whom such cries would be of serious meaning, a petty persecution against their Roman Catholic fellow-tradesmen continually prevailed. Monck Mason draws attention to some curious instances. (See his "History of St. Patrick's Cathedral," p. 399, note y.)
In the "Journals of the Irish House of Commons" (vol. ii., p. 77) is the record of a petition presented in the year 1695, by the Protestant porters of the city of Dublin, against one Darby Ryan, "a papist and notoriously disaffected." This Ryan was complained of for employing those of his own persuasion and affection to carry a cargo of coals he had bought, to his own customers. The petitioners complained that they, Protestants, were "debased and hindered from their small trade and gains." Another set of petitioners was the drivers of hackney coaches. They complained that, "before the late trouble, they got a livelihood by driving coaches in and about the city of Dublin, but since that time, so many papists had got coaches, and drove them with such ordinary horses, that the petitioners could hardly get bread.... They therefore prayed the house that none but Protestant hackney-coachmen may have liberty to keep and drive hackney-coaches." Swift may have had these instances in his mind when he urges that the criers who cry their wares in Dublin should be True Protestants, and should give security to the government for permission to cry.
In a country where such absurd complaints could be seriously presented, and as seriously considered, a genuine apprehension must have existed. The Whigs in making capital out of this existing feeling stigmatized their Tory opponents as High Churchmen, and therefore very little removed from Papists, and therefore Jacobites. Of course there were no real grounds for such epithets, but they indulged in them nevertheless, with the addition of insinuations and suggestions—no insinuation being too feeble or too far-fetched so long as it served.
Swift, writing in the person of a Whig, affects extreme anxiety for the most ridiculous of signs, and finds a Papist, or a Jacobite, or a disaffected person, in the least likely of places. The tract, in this light, is a really amusing piece. Swift takes the opportunity also to hit Walpole, under a pretended censure of his extravagance, corruption, and avarice.
* * * * *
The text here given of this tract is based on that of the original edition issued in Dublin in 1732. The last paragraph, however, does not appear in that edition, and is reprinted here from Scott.
[T. S.]
AN
EXAMINATION
OF CERTAIN
Abuses, Corruptions,
AND
ENORMITIES
IN THE
City of DUBLIN.
Dublin: Printed in the Year 1732.
Nothing is held more commendable in all great cities, especially the metropolis of a kingdom, than what the French call the police; by which word is meant the government thereof, to prevent the many disorders occasioned by great numbers of people and carriages, especially through narrow streets. In this government our famous City of Dublin is said to be very defective, and universally complained of. Many wholesome laws have been enacted to correct those abuses, but are ill executed; and many more are wanting, which I hope the united wisdom of the nation (whereof so many good effects have already appeared this session) will soon take into their most profound consideration.
As I have been always watchful over the good of mine own country, and particularly for that of our renowned city, where (absit invidia) I had the honour to draw my first breath[173]; I cannot have a minute's ease or patience to forbear enumerating some of the greatest enormities, abuses, and corruptions, spread almost through every part of Dublin; and proposing such remedies as, I hope, the legislature will approve of.
The narrow compass to which I have confined myself in this paper, will allow me only to touch at the most important defects, and such as I think seem to require the most speedy redress.
And first, perhaps there was never known a wiser institution than that of allowing certain persons of both sexes, in large and populous cities, to cry through the streets many necessaries of life; it would be endless to recount the conveniences which our city enjoys by this useful invention, and particularly strangers, forced hither by business, who reside here but a short time; for, these having usually but little money, and being wholly ignorant of the town, might at an easy price purchase a tolerable dinner, if the several criers would pronounce the names of the goods they have to sell, in any tolerable language. And therefore till our law-makers shall think it proper to interpose so far as to make these traders pronounce their words in such terms, that a plain Christian hearer may comprehend what is cried, I would advise all new comers to look out at their garret windows, and there see whether the thing that is cried be tripes or flummery, butter-milk or cow-heels. For, as things are now managed, how is it possible for an honest countryman, just arrived, to find out what is meant, for instance, by the following words, with which his ears are constantly stunned twice a day, "Mugs, jugs and porringers, up in the garret, and down in the cellar." I say, how is it possible for any stranger to understand that this jargon is meant as an invitation to buy a farthing's worth of milk for his breakfast or supper, unless his curiosity draws him to the window, or till his landlady shall inform him. I produce this only as one instance, among a hundred much worse, I mean where the words make a sound wholly inarticulate, which give so much disturbance, and so little information.
The affirmation solemnly made in the cry of herrings, is directly against all truth and probability, "Herrings alive, alive here." The very proverb will convince us of this; for what is more frequent in ordinary speech, than to say of some neighbour for whom the passing-bell rings, that he is dead as a herring. And, pray how is it possible, that a herring, which as philosophers observe, cannot live longer than one minute, three seconds and a half out of water, should bear a voyage in open boats from Howth to Dublin, be tossed into twenty hands, and preserve its life in sieves for several hours. Nay, we have witnesses ready to produce, that many thousands of these herrings, so impudently asserted to be alive, have been a day and a night upon dry land. But this is not the worst. What can we think of those impious wretches, who dare in the face of the sun, vouch the very same affirmative of their salmon, and cry, "Salmon alive, alive;" whereas, if you call the woman who cries it, she is not ashamed to turn back her mantle, and shew you this individual salmon cut into a dozen pieces. I have given good advice to these infamous disgracers of their sex and calling, without the least appearance of remorse, and fully against the conviction of their own consciences. I have mentioned this grievance to several of our parish ministers, but all in vain; so that it must continue until the government shall think fit to interpose.
There is another cry, which, from the strictest observation I can make, appears to be very modern, and it is that of sweethearts,[174] and is plainly intended for a reflection upon the female sex, as if there were at present so great a dearth of lovers, that the women instead of receiving presents from men, were now forced to offer money, to purchase sweethearts. Neither am I sure, that the cry doth not glance at some disaffection against the government; insinuating, that while so many of our troops are engaged in foreign service, and such a great number of our gallant officers constantly reside in England, the ladies are forced to take up with parsons and attorneys: But, this is a most unjust reflection, as may soon be proved by any person who frequents the Castle, our public walks, our balls and assemblies, where the crowds of toupees[175] were never known to swarm as they do at present.
There is a cry, peculiar to this City, which I do not remember to have been used in London, or at least, not in the same terms that it has been practised by both parties, during each of their power; but, very unjustly by the Tories. While these were at the helm, they grew daily more and more impatient to put all true Whigs and Hanoverians out of employments. To effect which, they hired certain ordinary fellows, with large baskets on their shoulders, to call aloud at every house, "Dirt to carry out;" giving that denomination to our whole party, as if they would signify, that the kingdom could never be cleansed, till we were swept from the earth like rubbish. But, since that happy turn of times, when we were so miraculously preserved by just an inch, from Popery, slavery, massacre, and the Pretender, I must own it prudence in us, still to go on with the same cry, which hath ever since been so effectually observed, that the true political dirt is wholly removed, and thrown on its proper dunghills, there to corrupt, and be no more heard of.
But, to proceed to other enormities: Every person who walks the streets, must needs observe the immense number of human excrements at the doors and steps of waste houses, and at the sides of every dead wall; for which the disaffected party have assigned a very false and malicious cause. They would have it, that these heaps were laid there privately by British fundaments, to make the world believe, that our Irish vulgar do daily eat and drink; and, consequently, that the clamour of poverty among us, must be false, proceeding only from Jacobites and Papists. They would confirm this, by pretending to observe, that a British anus being more narrowly perforated than one of our own country; and many of these excrements upon a strict view appearing copple crowned, with a point like a cone or pyramid, are easily distinguished from the Hibernian, which lie much flatter, and with lest continuity. I communicated this conjecture to an eminent physician, who is well versed in such profound speculations; and at my request was pleased to make trial with each of his fingers, by thrusting them into the anus of several persons of both nations, and professed he could find no such difference between them as those ill-disposed people allege. On the contrary, he assured me, that much the greater number of narrow cavities were of Hibernian origin. This I only mention to shew how ready the Jacobites are to lay hold of any handle to express their malice against the government. I had almost forgot to add, that my friend the physician could, by smelling each finger, distinguish the Hibernian excrement from the British, and was not above twice mistaken in an hundred experiments; upon which he intends very soon to publish a learned dissertation.
There is a diversion in this City, which usually begins among the butchers, but is often continued by a succession of other people, through many streets. It is called the COSSING of a dog; and I may justly number it among our corruptions. The ceremony is this: A strange dog happens to pass through a flesh-market; whereupon an expert butcher immediately cries in a loud voice, and the proper tone, "Coss, coss," several times: The same word is repeated by the people. The dog, who perfectly understands the terms of art, and consequently the danger he is in, immediately flies. The people, and even his own brother animals pursue; the pursuit and cry attend him perhaps half a mile; he is well worried in his flight, and sometimes hardly escapes. This, our ill-wishers of the Jacobite kind, are pleased to call a persecution; and affirm, that it always falls upon dogs of the Tory principle. But, we can well defend ourselves, by justly alleging that when they were uppermost, they treated our dogs full as inhumanly: As to my own part, who have in former times often attended these processions, although I can very well distinguish between a Whig and Tory dog, yet I never carried my resentments very far upon a party principle, except it were against certain malicious dogs, who most discovered their malice against us in the worst of times.[176] And, I remember too well, that in the wicked ministry of the Earl of Oxford, a large mastiff of our party being unmercifully cossed, ran, without thinking, between my legs, as I was coming up Fishamble Street; and, as I am of low stature, with very short legs, bore me riding backwards down the hill, for above two hundred yards: And, although I made use of his tail for a bridle, holding it fast with both my hands, and clung my legs as close to his sides as I could, yet we both came down together into the middle of the kennel; where after rolling three or four times over each other, I got up with much ado, amid the shouts and huzzas of a thousand malicious Jacobites: I cannot, indeed, but gratefully acknowledge, that for this and many other services and sufferings, I have been since more than over-paid.
This adventure may, perhaps, have put me out of love with the diversions of cossing, which I confess myself an enemy to, unless we could always be sure of distinguishing Tory dogs; whereof great numbers have since been so prudent, as entirely to change their principles, and are now justly esteemed the best worriers of their former friends.
I am assured, and partly know, that all the chimney-sweepers' boys, where Members of Parliament chiefly lodge, are hired by our enemies to skulk in the tops of chimneys, with their heads no higher than will just permit them to look round; and at the usual hours when members are going to the House, if they see a coach stand near the lodging of any loyal member, they call "Coach, coach," as loud as they can bawl, just at the instant when the footman begins to give the same call. And this is chiefly done on those days, when any point of importance is to be debated. This practice may be of very dangerous consequence. For, these boys are all hired by enemies to the government; and thus, by the absence of a few members for a few minutes, a question may be carried against the true interest of the kingdom, and very probably, not without any eye toward the Pretender.
I have not observed the wit and fancy of this town, so much employed in any one article, as that of contriving variety of signs to hang over houses, where punch is to be sold. The bowl is represented full of punch, the ladle stands erect in the middle, supported sometimes by one, and sometimes by two animals, whose feet rest upon the edge of the bowl. These animals are sometimes one black lion, and sometimes a couple; sometimes a single eagle, and sometimes a spread one, and we often meet a crow, a swan, a bear, or a cock, in the same posture.
Now, I cannot find how any of these animals, either separate, or in conjunction, are properly speaking, either fit emblems or embellishments, to advance the sale of punch. Besides, it is agreed among naturalists, that no brute can endure the taste of strong liquor, except where he hath been used to it from his infancy: And, consequently, it is against all the rules of hieroglyph, to assign those animals as patrons, or protectors of punch. For, in that case, we ought to suppose, that the host keeps always ready the real bird, or beast, whereof the picture hangs over his door, to entertain his guest; which, however, to my knowledge, is not true in fact. For not one of those birds is a proper companion for a Christian, as to aiding and assisting in making the punch. For the birds, as they are drawn upon the sign, are much more likely to mute, or shed their feathers into the liquor. Then, as to the bear, he is too terrible, awkward, and slovenly a companion to converse with; neither are any of them at all, handy enough to fill liquor to the company: I do, therefore, vehemently suspect a plot intended against the Government, by these devices. For, although the spread-eagle be the arms of Germany, upon which account it may possibly be a lawful Protestant sign; yet I, who am very suspicious of fair outsides, in a matter which so nearly concerns our welfare, cannot but call to mind, that the Pretender's wife is said to be of German birth: And that many Popish Princes, in so vast an extent of land, are reported to excel both at making and drinking punch. Besides, it is plain, that the spread-eagle exhibits to us the perfect figure of a cross, which is a badge of Popery. Then, as to the cock, he is well known to represent the French nation, our old and dangerous enemy. The swan, who must of necessity cover the entire bowl with his wings, can be no other than the Spaniard, who endeavours to engross all the treasures of the Indies to himself. The lion is indeed, the common emblem of Royal power, as well as the arms of England; but to paint him black, is perfect Jacobitism, and a manifest type of those who blacken the actions of the best Princes. It is not easy to distinguish, whether the other fowl painted over the punch-bowl, be a crow or raven? It is true, they have both been held ominous birds; but I rather take it to be the former; because it is the disposition of a crow, to pick out the eyes of other creatures; and often even of Christians, after they are dead; and is therefore drawn here, with a design to put the Jacobites in mind of their old practice, first to lull us asleep, (which is an emblem of Death) and then to blind our eyes, that we may not see their dangerous practices against the State.
To speak my private opinion, the least offensive picture in the whole set, seems to be the bear; because he represents ursa major, or the Great Bear, who presides over the North, where the Reformation first began, and which, next to Britain, (including Scotland and the north of Ireland) is the great protector of the Protestant religion. But, however, in those signs where I observe the bear to be chained, I can't help surmising a Jacobite contrivance, by which these traitors hint an earnest desire of using all true Whigs, as the predecessors did the primitive Christians; I mean, to represent us as bears, and then halloo their Tory dogs to bait us to death.
Thus I have given a fair account of what I dislike, in all those signs set over those houses that invite us to punch: I own it was a matter that did not need explaining, being so very obvious to the most common understanding. Yet, I know not how it happens, but methinks there seems a fatal blindness, to overspread our corporeal eyes, as well as our intellectual; and I heartily wish, I may be found a false prophet; for, these are not bare suspicions, but manifest demonstrations.
Therefore, away with those Popish, Jacobite, and idolatrous gew-gaws. And I heartily wish a law were enacted, under severe penalties, against drinking any punch at all. For nothing is easier, than to prove it a disaffected liquor. The chief ingredients, which are brandy, oranges, and lemons, are all sent us from Popish countries; and nothing remains of Protestant growth but sugar and water. For, as to biscuit, which formerly was held a necessary ingredient, and is truly British, we find it is entirely rejected.
But I will put the truth of my assertion, past all doubt: I mean, that this liquor is by one important innovation, grown of ill example, and dangerous consequence to the public. It is well known, that, by the true original institution of making punch, left us by Captain Ratcliffe, the sharpness is only occasioned by the juice of lemons, and so continued till after the happy Revolution. Oranges, alas! are a mere innovation, and in a manner but of yesterday. It was the politics of Jacobites to introduce them gradually: And, to what intent? The thing speaks itself. It was cunningly to shew their virulence against his sacred Majesty King William, of ever glorious and immortal memory. But of late, (to shew how fast disloyalty increaseth) they came from one or two, and then to three oranges; nay, at present we often find punch made all with oranges, and not one single lemon. For the Jacobites, before the death of that immortal Prince, had, by a superstition, formed a private prayer, that, as they squeezed the orange, so might that Protestant King be squeezed to death[177]: According to that known sorcery described by Virgil,
Limus ut hic durescit, et haec ut cera liquescit, &c. [Ecl. viii. 80.]
And, thus the Romans, when they sacrificed an ox, used this kind of prayer. "As I knock down this ox, so may thou, O Jupiter, knock down our enemies." In like manner, after King William's death, whenever a Jacobite squeezed an orange, he had a mental curse upon the "glorious memory," and a hearty wish for power to squeeze all his Majesty's friends to death, as he squeezed that orange, which bore one of his titles, as he was Prince of Orange. This I do affirm for truth; many of that faction having confessed it to me, under an oath of secrecy; which, however, I thought it my duty not to keep, when I saw my dear country in danger. But, what better can be expected from an impious set of men, who never scruple to drink confusion to all true Protestants, under the name of Whigs? a most unchristian and inhuman practice, which, to our great honour and comfort, was never charged upon us, even by our most malicious detractors.
The sign of two angels, hovering in the air, and with their right hands supporting a crown, is met with in several parts of this city; and hath often given me great offence: For, whether by the unskilfulness, or dangerous principles of the painters, (although I have good reasons to suspect the latter) those angels are usually drawn with such horrid countenances, that they give great offence to every loyal eye, and equal cause of triumph to the Jacobites being a most infamous reflection upon our most able and excellent ministry.
I now return to that great enormity of our city cries; most of which we have borrowed from London. I shall consider them only in a political view, as they nearly affect the peace and safety of both kingdoms; and having been originally contrived by wicked Machiavels, to bring in Popery, slavery, and arbitrary power, by defeating the Protestant Succession, and introducing the Pretender, ought, in justice, to be here laid open to the world.
About two or three months after the happy Revolution, all persons who possessed any employment, or office, in Church or State, were obliged by an Act of Parliament, to take the oaths to King William and Queen Mary: And a great number of disaffected persons, refusing to take the said oaths, from a pretended scruple of conscience, but really from a spirit of Popery and rebellion, they contrived a plot, to make the swearing to those Princes odious in the eyes of the people. To this end, they hired certain women of ill fame, but loud shrill voices, under pretence of selling fish, to go through the streets, with sieves on their heads, and cry, "Buy my soul, buy my soul;" plainly insinuating, that all those who swore to King William, were just ready to sell their souls for an employment. This cry was revived at the death of Queen Anne, and, I hear, still continues in London, with great offence to all true Protestants; but, to our great happiness, seems to be almost dropped in Dublin.
But, because I altogether contemn the displeasure and resentment of high-fliers, Tories, and Jacobites, whom I look upon to be worse even than professed Papists, I do here declare, that those evils which I am going to mention, were all brought in upon us in the worst of times, under the late Earl of Oxford's administration, during the four last years of Queen Anne's reign. That wicked minister was universally known to be a Papist in his heart. He was of a most avaricious nature, and is said to have died worth four millions, sterl.[178] besides his vast expenses in building, statues, gold plate, jewels, and other costly rarities. He was of a mean obscure birth, from the very dregs of the people, and so illiterate, that he could hardly read a paper at the council table. I forbear to touch at his open, profane, profligate life; because I desire not to rake into the ashes of the dead, and therefore I shall observe this wise maxim: De mortuis nil nisi bonum.
This flagitious man, in order to compass his black designs, employed certain wicked instruments (which great statesmen are never without) to adapt several London cries, in such a manner as would best answer his ends. And, whereas it was upon grounds grievously suspected, that all places at Court were sold to the highest bidder: Certain women were employed by his emissaries, to carry fish in baskets on their heads, and bawl through the streets, "Buy my fresh places." I must, indeed, own that other women used the same cry, who were innocent of this wicked design, and really sold their fish of that denomination to get an honest livelihood; but the rest, who were in the secret, although they carried fish in their sieves or baskets, to save appearances; yet they had likewise, a certain sign, somewhat resembling that of the free-masons, which the purchasers of places knew well enough, and were directed by the women whither they were to resort, and make their purchase. And, I remember very well, how oddly it looked, when we observed many gentlemen finely dressed, about the Court end of the town, and as far as York Buildings, where the Lord Treasurer Oxford dwelt, calling the women who cried "Buy my fresh places," and talking to them in the corner of a street, after they understood each other's sign: But we never could observe that any fish was bought.
Some years before the cries last mentioned, the Duke of Savoy was reported to have made certain overtures to the Court of England, for admitting his eldest son by the Duchess of Orleans's daughter, to succeed to the Crown, as next heir, upon the Pretender's being rejected, and that son was immediately to turn Protestant. It was confidently reported, that great numbers of people disaffected to the then illustrious but now Royal House of Hanover, were in those measures. Whereupon another set of women were hired by the Jacobite leaders, to cry through the whole town, "Buy my Savoys, dainty Savoys, curious Savoys." But, I cannot directly charge the late Earl of Oxford with this conspiracy, because he was not then chief Minister. However, the wicked cry still continues in London, and was brought over hither, where it remains to this day, and in my humble opinion, a very offensive sound to every true Protestant, who is old enough to remember those dangerous times.
During the Ministry of that corrupt and Jacobite earl above-mentioned, the secret pernicious design of those in power, was to sell Flanders to France; the consequence of which, must have been the infallible ruin of the States-General, and would have opened the way for France to obtain that universal monarchy, after which they have so long aspired; to which the British dominions must next, after Holland, have been compelled to submit, and the Protestant religion would be rooted out of the world.
A design of this vast importance, after long consultation among the Jacobite grandees, with the Earl of Oxford at their head, was at last determined to be carried on by the same method with the former; it was therefore again put in practice; but the conduct of it was chiefly left to chosen men, whose voices were louder and stronger than those of the other sex. And upon this occasion, was first instituted in London, that famous cry of "FLOUNDERS." But the criers were particularly directed to pronounce the word "Flaunders," and not "Flounders." For, the country which we now by corruption call Flanders, is in its true orthography spelt Flaunders, as may be obvious to all who read old English books. I say, from hence begun that thundering cry, which hath ever since stunned the ears of all London, made so many children fall into fits, and women miscarry; "Come buy my fresh flaunders, curious flaunders, charming flaunders, alive, alive, ho;" which last words can with no propriety of speech be applied to fish manifestly dead, (as I observed before in herrings and salmon) but very justly to ten provinces, which contain many millions of living Christians. And the application is still closer, when we consider that all the people were to be taken like fishes in a net; and, by assistance of the Pope, who sets up to be the universal Fisher of Men, the whole innocent nation, was, according to our common expression, to be "laid as flat as a flounder."
I remember, myself, a particular crier of flounders in London, who arrived at so much fame for the loudness of his voice, that he had the honour to be mentioned upon that account, in a comedy. He hath disturbed me many a morning, before he came within fifty doors of my lodging. And although I were not in those days so fully apprized of the designs, which our common enemy had then in agitation, yet, I know not how, by a secret impulse, young as I was, I could not forbear conceiving a strong dislike against the fellow; and often said to myself, "This cry seems to be forged in the Jesuits' school. Alas, poor England! I am grievously mistaken if there be not some Popish Plot at the bottom." I communicated my thoughts to an intimate friend, who reproached me with being too visionary in my speculations: But, it proved afterwards, that I conjectured right. And I have often since reflected, that if the wicked faction could have procured only a thousand men, of as strong lungs as the fellow I mentioned, none can tell how terrible the consequences might have been, not only to these two Kingdoms, but over all Europe, by selling Flanders to France. And yet these cries continue unpunished, both in London and Dublin, although I confess, not with equal vehemency or loudness, because the reason for contriving this desperate plot, is, to our great felicity, wholly ceased.
It is well known, that the majority of the British House of Commons in the last years of Queen Anne's reign, were in their hearts directly opposite to the Earl of Oxford's pernicious measures; which put him under the necessity of bribing them with salaries. Whereupon he had again recourse to his old politics. And accordingly, his emissaries were very busy in employing certain artful women of no good life or conversation, (as it was fully proved before Justice Peyton) to cry that vegetable commonly called celery, through the town. These women differed from the common criers of that herb, by some private mark which I could never learn; but the matter was notorious enough, and sufficiently talked of, and about the same period was the cry of celery brought over into this kingdom. But since there is not at this present, the least occasion to suspect the loyalty of our criers upon that article, I am content that it may still be tolerated.
I shall mention but one cry more, which hath any reference to politics; but is indeed, of all others the most insolent, as well as treasonable, under our present happy Establishment. I mean that of turnups; not of turnips, according to the best orthography, but absolutely turnups. Although this cry be of an older date than some of the preceding enormities, for it began soon after the Revolution; yet was it never known to arrive at so great a height, as during the Earl of Oxford's power. Some people, (whom I take to be private enemies) are, indeed, as ready as myself to profess their disapprobation of this cry, on pretence that it began by the contrivance of certain old procuresses, who kept houses of ill-fame, where lewd women met to draw young men into vice. And this they pretend to prove by some words in the cry; because, after the crier had bawled out, "Turnups, ho, buy my dainty turnups," he would sometimes add the two following verses:—
"Turn up the mistress, and turn up the maid, And turn up the daughter, and be not afraid."
This, say some political sophists, plainly shews that there can be nothing further meant in this infamous cry, than an invitation to lewdness, which indeed, ought to be severely punished in all well-regulated Governments; but cannot be fairly interpreted as a crime of State. But, I hope, we are not so weak and blind to be deluded at this time of day, with such poor evasions. I could, if it were proper, demonstrate the very time when those two verses were composed, and name the author, who was no other than the famous Mr. Swan, so well known for his talent at quibbling, and was as virulent a Jacobite as any in England. Neither could he deny the fact, when he was taxed for it in my presence by Sir Harry Button-Colt, and Colonel Davenport, at the Smyrna coffee-house, on the 10th of June, 1701. Thus it appears to a demonstration, that those verses were only a blind to conceal the most dangerous designs of that party, who from the first years after the happy Revolution, used a cant way of talking in their clubs after this manner: "We hope, to see the cards shuffled once more, and another king TURN UP trump:" And, "When shall we meet over a dish of TURNUPS?" The same term of art was used in their plots against the government, and in their treasonable letters writ in ciphers, and deciphered by the famous Dr. Wallis, as you may read in the trials of those times. This I thought fit to set forth at large, and in so clear a light, because the Scotch and French authors have given a very different account of the word TURNUP, but whether out of ignorance or partiality I shall not decree; because I am sure, the reader is convinced by my discovery. It is to be observed, that this cry was sung in a particular manner by fellows in disguise, to give notice where those traitors were to meet, in order to concert their villainous designs.
I have no more to add upon this article, than an humble proposal, that those who cry this root at present in our streets of Dublin, may be compelled by the justices of the peace, to pronounce turnip, and not turnup; for, I am afraid, we have still too many snakes in our bosom; and it would be well if their cellars were sometimes searched, when the owners least expect it; for I am not out of fear that latet anguis in herba.
Thus, we are zealous in matters of small moment, while we neglect those of the highest importance. I have already made it manifest, that all these cries were contrived in the worst of times, under the ministry of that desperate statesman, Robert, late Earl of Oxford, and for that very reason ought to be rejected with horror, as begun in the reign of Jacobites, and may well be numbered among the rags of Popery and treason: Or if it be thought proper, that these cries must continue, surely they ought to be only trusted in the hands of true Protestants, who have given security to the government.
[Having already spoken of many abuses relating to signposts, I cannot here omit one more, because it plainly relates to politics; and is, perhaps, of more dangerous consequence than any of the city cries, because it directly tends to destroy the succession. It is the sign of his present Majesty King George the Second, to be met with in many streets; and yet I happen to be not only the first, but the only, discoverer of this audacious instance of Jacobitism. And I am confident, that, if the justices of the peace would please to make a strict inspection, they might find, in all such houses, before which those signs are hung up in the manner I have observed, that the landlords were malignant Papists, or, which is worse, notorious Jacobites. Whoever views those signs, may read, over his Majesty's head, the following letters and ciphers, G. R. II., which plainly signifies George, King the Second, and not King George the Second, or George the Second, King; but laying the point after the letter G, by which the owner of the house manifestly shews, that he renounces his allegiance to King George the Second, and allows him to be only the second king, inuendo, that the Pretender is the first king; and looking upon King George to be only a kind of second king, or viceroy, till the Pretender shall come over and seize the kingdom. I appeal to all mankind, whether this be a strained or forced interpretation of the inscription, as it now stands in almost every street; whether any decipherer would make the least doubt or hesitation to explain it as I have done; whether any other Protestant country would endure so public an instance of treason in the capital city from such vulgar conspirators; and, lastly, whether Papists and Jacobites of great fortunes and quality may not probably stand behind the curtain in this dangerous, open, and avowed design against the government. But I have performed my duty; and leave the reforming of these abuses to the wisdom, the vigilance, the loyalty, and activity of my superiors.][179]
A SERIOUS AND USEFUL SCHEME
TO MAKE AN
HOSPITAL FOR INCURABLES.
NOTE.
This piece, included by Sir Walter Scott for the first time among Swift's writings, was, in the opinion of that editor, indisputably the work of the Dean of St. Patrick's. The present editor sees no reason to disagree with this judgement, and it is therefore reprinted here. The original issue of 1733, printed by Faulkner contained also Swift's "Petition of the Footmen in and about Dublin," and had a lengthy advertisement of the Complete Works of Swift which Faulkner was, at that time, projecting. It is difficult, however, to understand why the tract was not included in later editions of Swift's complete works. Sir Walter Scott puts forward an explanation suggested by Dr. Barrett, who believed the reason to have been, that this "jeu d'esprit might be interpreted as casting a slur on an hospital erected upon Lazors-Hill, now on the Donny-Brook road near Dublin, for the reception of persons afflicted with incurable maladies." The reason seems a poor one, though it may have been as Dr. Barrett states. A better argument might be found from the style and subject matter of the tract itself. The style is strongly Swift's, and the subject of such an hospital must certainly have occupied Swift's thoughts at this time, since he left his fortune for the erection of a similar building.
* * * * *
The text of the present edition is based on that of the volume issued by Faulkner in 1733, compared with the Dublin reprint of the following year.
[T. S.]
A
SERIOUS and USEFUL
SCHEME,
To make an
Hospital for Incurables,
OF
Universal Benefit to all His Majesty's Subjects.
* * * * *
Humbly addressed to the Rt. Hon. the Lord ——, the Rt. Hon. Sir ——, and to the Rt. Hon. ——, Esq;
* * * * *
To which is added,
A Petition of the Footmen in and about Dublin.
* * * * *
Faecunda Culpae Secula!—Hor.
* * * * *
Printed at LONDON: And,
DUBLIN:
Printed by GEORGE FAULKNER, and Sold at his Shop in Essex Street, opposite to the Bridge, and by G. Risk, G. Ewing and W. Smith, Booksellers in Dame-Street, 1733.
There is not any thing which contributes more to the reputation of particular persons, or to the honour of a nation in general, than erecting and endowing proper edifices, for the reception of those who labour under different kinds of distress. The diseased and unfortunate are thereby delivered from the misery of wanting assistance; and others are delivered from the misery of beholding them.
It is certain, that the genius of the people of England is strongly turned to public charities; and to so noble a degree, that almost in every part of this great and opulent city, and also in many of the adjacent villages, we meet with a great variety of hospitals, supported by the generous contributions of private families, as well as by the liberality of the public. Some for seamen worn out in the service of their country, and others for infirm disabled soldiers; some for the maintenance of tradesmen decayed, and others for their widows and orphans; some for the service of those who linger under tedious distempers, and others for such as are deprived of their reason.
But I find, upon nice inspection, that there is one kind of charity almost totally disregarded, which, nevertheless, appears to me of so excellent a nature, as to be at present more wanted, and better calculated for the ease, quietness, and felicity of this whole kingdom, than any other can possibly be. I mean an hospital for incurables.
I must indeed confess, that an endowment of this nature would prove a very large and perpetual expense. However, I have not the least diffidence, that I shall be able effectually to convince the world that my present scheme for such an hospital is very practicable, and must be very desirable by every one who hath the interest of his country, or his fellow-creatures, really at heart.
It is observable, that, although the bodies of human creatures be affected with an infinite variety of disorders, which elude the power of medicine, and are often found to be incurable, yet their minds are also overrun with an equal variety, which no skill, no power, no medicine, can alter or amend. And I think, that, out of regard to the public peace and emolument, as well as the repose of many pious and valuable families, this latter species of incurables ought principally to engage our attention and beneficence.
I believe an Hospital for such Incurables will be universally allowed necessary, if we only consider what numbers of absolute incurables every profession, rank, and degree, would perpetually produce, which, at present, are only national grievances, and of which we can have no other effectual method to purge the kingdom.
For instance; let any man seriously consider what numbers there are of incurable fools, incurable knaves, incurable scolds, incurable scribblers, (besides myself,) incurable coxcombs, incurable infidels, incurable liars, incurable whores, in all places of public resort:—not to mention the incurably vain, incurably envious, incurably proud, incurably affected, incurably impertinent, and ten thousand other incurables, which I must of necessity pass over in silence, lest I should swell this essay into a volume. And without doubt, every unprejudiced person will agree, that, out of mere Christian charity, the public ought to be eased as much as possible of this troublesome and intolerable variety of incurables.
And first, Under the denomination of incurable fools, we may reasonably expect, that such an hospital would be furnished with considerable numbers of the growth of our own universities; who, at present, appear in various professions in the world, under the venerable titles of physicians, barristers, and ecclesiastics.
And as those ancient seminaries have been, for some years past, accounted little better than nurseries of such sort of incurables, it should seem highly commendable to make some kind of provision for them; because it is more than probable, that, if they are to be supported by their own particular merit in their several callings, they must necessarily acquire but a very indifferent maintenance.
I would not, willingly, be here suspected to cast reflections on any order of men, as if I thought that small gains from the profession of any art or science, were always an undoubted sign of an equally small degree of understanding; for I profess myself to be somewhat inclined to a very opposite opinion, having frequently observed, that at the bar, the pulse, and the pulpit, those who have the least learning or sense to plead, meet generally with the largest share of promotions and profit: of which many instances might be produced; but the public seems to want no conviction in this particular.
Under the same denominations we may further expect a large and ridiculous quantity of old rich widows; whose eager and impatient appetites inflame them with extravagant passions for fellows of a very different age and complexion from themselves; who purchase contempt and aversion with good jointures; and being loaded with years, infirmities, and probably ill humour, are forced to bribe into their embraces such whose fortunes and characters are equally desperate.
Besides, our collection of incurable fools would receive an incredible addition from every one of the following articles. |
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