As the opera (which is familiarly known as that of Lucrezia Borgia) proceeded, the general, who was not accustomed to this style of singing, began to think it a mere tilt of voices between the singers. "Pray, what does it all mean, sir?" said he, turning to Mr. Tickler with much anxiety, "for I cannot understand a word of it; and it seems to me there are enough more in the same predicament, for those who have books I take it cannot find the places." Mr. Tickler, who affected to have the whole opera at his fingers' ends, began an explanation of the history and plot of the opera, which, however, only served to leave the matter more confused in the general's mind; and he declared he saw no good reason why they should scream their troubles in a language not one word of which nineteen-twentieths of the audience could understand.

"Faith of my father, sir," he continued, "but if the fleshy man would only stop his screaming, and set to sing 'Auld Lang Syne,' or something of that sort, it would be much more to my liking. To your fashionable folks with your fashionable singing, for all me: and let them who understand it pay for it; to be honest with you, sir, (and I see you are much given to this sort of singing,) I can make no more of it than that the fleshy man you call the tenor, and who you say is no scaly fellow, but a man with whom several damsels have become enamored, is outdoing the big man you call the basso, in telling his troubles to the audience, who, I take it, care not a whit about them, seeing that most of them are keeping up a loud conversation on matters concerning their neighbors, which is a proof of their resolution not to let the bawling fellows upon the stage have it all their own way. As to the moral of the representation, I have no doubt it is good, as you say; but I hold, that vice is better shut up in the closet than served out for the amusement of the young. But lest you say I am not a man of feeling, I can tell you I pity the tall woman you call the prima donna; and if she would accept a word of advice from me, I would tell her to so square her example for the future, that she may be prepared for Heaven when Death knocks at the door, since she is a lady of so much beauty that it would be a pity to see her leave this world without redemption. And as I see the big, fat chorus women are laughing in their skins at our ignorance of what they say, I would have them take heed lest they fall into the snare you describe as being set for the square shouldered damsels you call the atrato." "Contralto!" interrupted Mr. Tickler. "Well, have it contralto, then; the difference is only in a word or two, which matters nothing now-a-days. And as to the opera, I hold it best that we get home and attend to matters concerning our journey, for I see the two foreign gentlemen on the stage are for having a fight between themselves; and as it would not become me, as a military man, to stand by and see any unfair play, or indeed, to have anything to do with it, let us prove the strength of our understanding by getting quietly away." During this colloquy between the general and Mr. Tickler, Glanmoregain had been a quiet listener; but he was not a little amused at the singular innocence of the man he was about to entrust with the important office of overthrowing a kingdom. And although he would have remained to the end of the opera, which, so far as the principals were concerned, was really being performed in a very creditable manner, he accompanied the general to his quarters at the St. Nicholas, where they, having made such arrangements for the journey as will be recorded in the following chapter, parted for the night.



CHAPTER XL.

GENERAL ROGER POTTER AND HIS SECRETARY ARRIVE IN WASHINGTON, TO THE NO SMALL ALARM OF CERTAIN ADEPTS AND OFFICE SEEKERS.



THE general arose on the following morning before the sparrows were up; and as he had ordered the landlord to have his bill forthcoming, he found it duly laid on his table, with a balance so ponderous that he commenced comparing it with the contents of his purse, without at first being able to comprehend the process that had found him thus involved. At length he discovered that although the city fathers had discharged a certain amount of the bill, out of respect of his being the guest of the city, they had ordered refreshments, (such as wines and suppers,) at his expense, and to such an extent as to make it quite clear that he would have saved at least one hundred dollars had he never seen these worthy dignitaries. In fine, the cunning fellows took very good care never to honor a guest without making him pay dear enough for it. But he had enough to square the bill, and something left; and he would have the landlord know that he was none of your shabby politicians who lives on hopes and pays their debts with promises. He therefore paid his bill with an air of wealth that completely won the landlord's confidence, (for he had previously entertained no few fears of his bill.) Beside, circumstances made it necessary for him to leave old Battle until his return, for which he had stipulated with Glanmoregain, which was to him a grievous affliction. In truth, General Potter, disordered as his wits were, regarded old Battle as a perfect safeguard in every emergency.

And now as the blushing dawn threw her golden drapery over the eastern sky, as if to cheer the general on his journey, Mr. Tickler, panting for breath, and evidently alarmed at something he could not clearly define, made his appearance, bearing a single valise.

"Faith, sir," he stammered, "I'm right glad to see you ready, for it seemed to me that no less than twenty sheriffs and all my creditors were at my heels."

"Pray, sir, be not so nervous," replied the general, "for your life's your own."

"That may be all true," rejoined the critic; "but let us leave the argument until we have got safe out of the city, for my conscience tells me that he who slips his creditors had better be sure of his heels."

The two now slipped as slyly as possible to the carriage, and without stopping to take leave of any one but the landlord, took their departure for the Camden and Amboy station, Tickler looking back, and thanking his stars that he had got clear of his creditors. And as they were pursuing their journey to Philadelphia, Tickler turned to the general, saying:

"Though I may have violated the laws of friendship in this little matter between me and my landlady, I at least breathe freer, and know that I am an honest man. But! heaven save me, sir, if we should get shivered to splinters on this road, (which I am told is one celebrated for the dexterity with which it performs such acts,) what would be said of me by my enemies, for I have enough, and many of them are as good critics as can be found!"

"Have a care for your friends, Mr. Tickler-have a care for your friends; and let not fear of your enemies carry away your judgment. Example after me; meet your enemies with sword and pistol, and settle the matter as becomes gentlemen. Honestly, friend Tickler, I hold it better a man shut his ears to the sayings of his enemies, for if they spit him to-day, the praises of his friends will offset it to-morrow."

They now continued their journey, and without serious accident or hinderance of any kind, arrived in Washington before sunset, and proceeded directly to "Willard's Hotel," that being not only the most fashionable, but the house at which distinguished politicians and military men of quality registered their names, though the host was neither celebrated for his courtesy, nor the politeness of his servants, nor the excellence of his table.

"I am General Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter, of whose fame, I take it, you have heard enough said in the newspapers," spoke the general, addressing a tall, dark complexioned, and lean visaged man, who was no less a person than the landlord. After casting a scrutinizing glance at the amount of baggage his guests had, as was customary with him, (sharpers had more than once assumed the title of general,) for it was not considered polite to present a bill until the end of the week, the landlord replied by saying in a tone of indifference:

"As to that, sir, perhaps I have, and perhaps I have not; it is not quite clear to my mind at this moment. It is a difficult matter for men of our profession to distinguish between generals." The landlord smiled, and continued his glances up and down the figure before him, as if contemplating his stupendous belly, as contrasted with the shape of his turnip head.

"Heavens! Mr. Landlord, just jog your memory, and see if you don't find in it a recollection of the ceremonies that have attended me on my journey here," ejaculated the general, not a little crest-fallen that the host of so popular an inn had no knowledge of one who had made himself so famous in politics.

In fine, the landlord, sharp sighted as he was, puzzled his wits not a little to find out what manner of men his guests were, for he had never in his life met so crude a general, with a secretary so fashionable. The general, however, happened to finger his purse, which contained several gold coin, the color of which proved an excellent panacea with the landlord, whose courtesy now knew no bounds. In truth, he ordered them the best double bedded room in his second story; and from being somewhat taciturn, was now ready to vouchsafe a smile and ready reply to all the general's questions, which were not a few. He then invited them to write their names in his register, which service the general said he would leave to his secretary, Mr. Tickler, who performed it with great skill, nor forgot to add the title, which he fancied would secure them superior attentions.

And now, while these preliminaries were performing, numerous fashionably dressed, but seemingly idle men, gathered about the general, viewing him with a feeling divided between curiosity and suspicion. Several military men, too, who prided themselves not a little on their West Point reputation, cast sneers at him, saying he could not be much of a general since he had not even heard the drum beat at the Point. Others said it were impossible so punch bellied a man could endure the fatigues of war, especially when mounted; while still others declared he would pass readily for a fool, if, indeed, he was not one of those sham generals of whom New England had an infinite number. The whole mob of military men, in fact, affected to regard him with contempt, and would have prayed Heaven to be rid of all such intruders, notwithstanding they traveled with secretaries.

But there was in Washington another, and, perhaps, not less influential class of men, who took a very different view of the general, and, before he had been three days in the city, sought by various impertinent questions to ascertain the object of his visit, which they professed to have the power to advance. And these men were lobby agents, correspondents of newspapers, and adepts at all sorts of schemes for plundering the treasury, which they represented as a very soft-sided concern, and so easy of access that it only required a man of undaunted courage to make a breach in it. Correspondents of newspapers swore by their honor, which was the cheapest thing they possessed, that if he had a project before Congress, they could "get it through for him just as easy as the turning of a mill wheel." Indeed if their declarations were worthy of reliance, they could make any man famous for a trifle; and as for members of Congress, they had but to praise them in their epistles to secure their votes in getting a scheme through. I have never been set down for a malicious writer; but as these gentlemen correspondents would have you believe, they had the nation and Congress in their breeches pockets, I may say, without fear of contradiction, that the devil never projected a scheme they were not ready to aid, and equally ready to crook their palms for the trifle that made it a virtue with them. In fine, I am not so sure that they would not have enjoined the whole calendar of saints to come forth and bear testimony to their honesty, though they were abetting a dozen dishonest schemes.

The cunning fellows also produced papers containing dispatches setting forth that General Roger Potter and his secretary had arrived, and taken rooms at Willard's. One more daring than the rest, said right in the teeth of truth, that it was reported in diplomatic circles that General Potter would receive an important mission as his reward for the great services he had rendered the democratic party. Finally, after informing the nation, (which they fancied was as deeply interested as themselves,) that General Roger Potter's visit to Washington was connected with as many as forty different things, they came to the very convenient conclusion that he was really come to ask of Congress compensation for extraordinary services rendered the government by his dead ancestor, (living ones he had none,) during the war of 1812, such being very common at this day. And as nothing could be more fatal to a claim before Congress than the fact that it was founded in honesty, the lobby screw would swear by his ability to get all fictitious ones through. This was the result of that indifference among Congressmen which makes the distinction between justice and fraud something too insignificant to waste time over.

The general declared with all his power of persuasion that he had no claim before Congress; and Tickler was ready to swear to the truth of what he said. But divers lobby men and correspondents refused to be convinced; and after putting an infinite number of questions to him, swore they would take it up, regardless of its character, and "rush it through" Congress for twenty five per cent.

It ought to be mentioned here that the "correspondent" esteems himself a much more respectable gentleman than the "lobby agent," whom he affects to hold in virtuous contempt. More than once was the general warned by these facile gentlemen of the press, not to have anything to do with the vagabonds of the lobby, who, though they gave it out that they had Congress between their thumbs, and could double it up, and mould it exactly to their liking, were regarded by every member honest enough not to crook his palm more than once during the session, as so many buzzards resolved on having carrion.

The general had, however, been advised by Glanmoregain to slip a trifle into the palms of certain correspondents, to the end that their praise could do no harm, and might do much good.

Now there was living in Washington about this time, one Ben Stretcher, a man of wonderful genius, and a correspondent of no less than five very enterprising newspapers, for all of which he manufactured wars and diplomatic irruptions with a facility that would have put Lord Stratford de Radcliffe to the blush. Stretcher knew everbody in Washington, and everybody in Washington knew Stretcher. If an enterprising gentleman came to Washington with the very harmless and common inclination of plucking the government, Stretcher was sure to make his acquaintance, and equally sure to find out what feathers he had, and how best they could be plucked. Wearing his beard after the manner of an apostle, and having a countenance into which he could infuse an air of great wisdom, Ben was sure to insinuate himself into the good graces of every new comer, to whom he would confide all the secrets of the government, which he carried about on his head, as a negro does a basket of apples. His skill at manufacturing state secrets was, however, equaled only by his skill for finding out state secrets. The President never acted on important state affairs without first consulting him. As to cabinet ministers, he was not only the intimate friend and adviser of the whole batch, but swore he had them all so completely at his bidding, (being called on frequently to rectify their blunders,) that no foreign appointment could be made without his consent. Indeed, Ben Stretcher never failed to assert, while drinking his punch, that nothing was mo re easy than to double up Congress, Administration, Cabinet, and the whole mob of office givers, put them in one's pocket, and walk quietly off. Ben's greatest wisdom was, however, displayed to great advantage in the facility with which he gave to the country matters of grave importance that were to be transacted at various cabinet meetings in prospective. In truth, he often made the government cut a sorry figure in the eyes of those not familiar with the art of making state secrets; for being "especial" correspondent of the numerous enterprising newspapers I have referred to, he will to-day frighten the country with an "exclusive" dispatch to the Daily Discoverer, revealing the momentous fact (?) that a war with England was inevitable; while with equal grandeur of equanimity, he will to-morrow assert that there is not the slightest cause to fear "a disturbance of the friendly intercourse now existing between this country and Great Britain." And these wonderful prophecies, together with extraordinary state secrets, he would vary every day, according to the demands of the public and his own taste. Lucky, indeed, were the journals having Ben Stretcher or a getter up of "startling" news, and many were they who sought to engage his services. It was, nevertheless, curious to see how Ben, smiling within himself, would, in a third dispatch, assert that all his prophecies had been verified, though, heaven knows, he was generally as far off the truth as the poles are from the equator.

In order not to lose time in paying his respects to so distinguished a general, and a gentleman who, no doubt, had important business with Congress, where his services might find employment, Ben took the earliest opportunity to make a formal call one day; but finding only Mr. Tickler at home, he relieved his disappointment in a colloquy, which will be recorded in the next chapter.



CHAPTER XLI.

IN WHICH IS RECORDED A CURIOUS CONVERSATION THAT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN STRETCHER, TICKLER, AND THE GENERAL, AND WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THE STATE OF THE NATION.



MR. STRETCHER entered the general's room with his head canted toward his left shoulder, his countenance wearing an air of great wisdom, his hat in his left hand, and the fingers of his right to his beard. "I take the liberty of introducing myself, sir," he spoke, and bowed with becoming courtesy. "Ben Stretcher, that is my name, which, perhaps, is familiar enough to you, being so well known in Washington."

"Lord bless me! why, the name is familiar enough, God knows; and it'll not be sayin' much to tell you that my own name is Orlando Tickler, a critic who has fame enough in New York, and of whom I take it you have heard mention."

"Permit me to say, sir, that I am truly happy to meet one so distinguished. As for the name, a household word was never more familiar to me." They now shook each other warmly by the hand, and after exchanging numerous compliments, took seats, and commenced to converse freely upon various subjects connected with the affairs of the Union. And when they were agreed exactly as to its disorders, and had fifty different remedies they were ready to apply whenever the nation demanded their services, Mr. Stretcher said to Mr. Tickler, "And now, sir, as I am a man fond of rendering service to persons in need, I am come (according to the rules of courtesy) to pay my respects to the general, of whom it is reported that he is come to Washington in search of an important mission. It gives me infinite pleasure, however, to meet his secretary. Now I would suggest to the general that I may be of great service to him, for I am a correspondent of not less than five newspapers, and can make the Administration do my bidding."

"Faith," ejaculatated Mr. Tickler, in reply, "I am glad enough to hear what you say, for my master has need enough of your services to get the mission; and I may tell you in confidence that I have much cause of despairing, for although I know but little of my master, except what I get through the newspapers, I already begin to see that he is simpleton enough for anything, and no little of a knave."

"You astonish me!" interrupted Mr. Stretcher, thoughtfully.

"Faith of my father," resumed Tickler, folding his arms, "I see nothing to be astonished at, for I take it any simpleton may set up for a statesman, and if he have but a fair mixture of the knave to throw in, he may carry the gifts of the government in his breeches pockets; also, if the devil do not carry him off in one of his pranks, he will no doubt distinguish himself as a foreign minister." Here Mr. Tickler paused for a moment, and then bid the gentleman of the five newspapers, and all the administration, to remember that these remarks were made in confidence.

"I confess, Mr. Tickler," replied Mr. Stretcher, "I admire your plain manner of speech. But you surprise and astonish me with what you say of the soundness of the general's understanding. In truth, sir, though I know something of the arts practiced by editors in making famous politicians, I had read a speech or two made by the general and upon the wisdom therein contained set him down for a profound scholar, and no small statesman. However, this I will say, and pledge my reputation on the truth of it, that if he be no scholar, but simply an unmitigated mixture of Jew and simpleton, it will rather improve than damage his prospects for the best foreign mission in the gift of the government. Do not mistake me, sir; for I would not say a damaging word of our excellent President, whose too great goodness of heart may account for his lack of discretion; but he has a passion for bestowing gifts on Jews and simpletons, of which history affords no example!"

"Faith of my father! if that be the case, then my master will get as fat a slice as any of them," rejoined Tickler, rising from his seat with regained spirits, and grasping the other warmly by the hand. "And now, seeing that we fellow kindred professions, we will be free in our advances, and settle this matter over a punch." Mr. Tickler rang the bell, and when the servant appeared, ordered two stout punches. Having exchanged compliments, and commenced sipping at their straws, Mr. Tickler touched the man of the newspapers confidentially on the arm, and whispered in his ear, that not having a dollar to his pocket, he began to think General Roger Potter, as he was called, had brought him to a whistling market, on a fool's errand. "Honestly, friend," he continued, "I was when you entered thinking how best to escape the landlord, for I see he is a sharp fellow; and this paying two dollars and three quarters a day is a thing not so easily done with an empty pocket."

"A very common thing, a very common thing, Mr. Tickler; and though the wits of the landlord are sharp enough, it is no rare thing for him to get shorn by those who seek meat-offerings of the government."

Here Tickler's mind seemed to run back to a subject upon which it was wont to dwell-the style of his dress. And, throwing himself back in his chair, he raised his right foot upon his left knee, and inquired of Mr. Stretcher how he liked the style of his boots, which were of the brightest leather, and so tight that when he walked, it was with the caution of one stepping upon eggs, and in fear of having to pay for the broken ones. Stretcher expressed himself delighted. In truth, he was not long in discerning the critic's little weaknesses; and to the end of flattering them, told him that he was in every particular of dress, the most stylish gentleman it had been his good fortune to meet for many a day. And this so pleased Mr. Tickler, that he would have ordered a second punch, but that the adept declared it was a custom with him never to drink more than one, not even with his oldest friends.

And though Stretcher drank his punch freely enough, he was somewhat disappointed at the developments made by the critic concerning his master. As for the secretary, he set him down in his heart as not only a curious specimen of pedantry, but the most fashionable poor gentleman he had ever seen in search of office; and heaven knows he had seen enough of them.

"It is said of the general," spoke Stretcher, laconically, as he set down his glass and commenced to stroke his beard, "that he has means enough at his command!"

"Upon my faith I know but little of his means, except that I have seen him with a purse full of gold, which is saying something for his means. And he pays readily enough for all he gets, which is more."

Mr. Tickler said this with such an air of self-confidence, that Stretcher immediately began to exhibit signs of anxiety, and was proceeding to make further inquiries, when the door opened and General Roger Potter stalked in, quite out of breath from the excess of heat. Mr. Tickler having drained his punch to the bottom, proceeded without further ceremony to introduce Mr. Stretcher, undertaking at the same time to give the general an account of his business, as also the wonderful influence he had over the various heads of departments. The general expressed great delight at meeting so influential a gentleman; and seeing that he had the government between his thumbs, at once intimated a desire to engage his services. Not to be outdone in courtesy, Mr. Stretcher expressed great delight at meeting so distinguished a General. "It would neither become me, nor the profession to which I belong to speak of myself; for though I have gained fame enough in politics, my military reputation stands so high with the nation that no man can take it down," spoke the general.

"For that matter you speak true enough, Sir," replied Mr. Stretcher, smiling and bowing blandly; "and, as I was just saying to your secretary, you have served the party like a patriot, and deserve well of the government. If it is an office you seek, why, you have only to name it, and I warrant it shall be safe in your pocket in forty-eight hours."

"Since you are capable of such extraordinary achievements, upon my soul, sir, you are just the man for my business."

"I can tell you, general, no man can say of Ben Stretcher that he ever betrayed his trust; no man can say of Ben Stretcher that he cannot twist the government round his thumbs; and no man can say of Ben Stretcher that he artfully connived at doing wrong; for he knows his thread of life has not long to run. Truly, sir, though many a man has tried hard enough to bring me down to his own level, not one has yet been found to raise his finger against my honor; and if you engage my services, I warrant to give you proof enough of my qualifications."

The general listened attentively to the adept's remarks, and after a short pause, spoke and said, "And now, sir, seeing that you have sufficient endowments for my business, before proceeding further in this matter we will have a punch; for that will soften the heart, and at the same time give such light to the mind, as will enable us to talk the matter over pleasantly."

After turning to Mr. Tickler and apologizing for having declined a second punch with him, he then made his compliments to the general, saying that as the occasion was a rare one he would make an exception to what was otherwise a firmly established principle with him.

"Faith," interposed Mr. Tickler, on hearing the punch suggested, "you both talk like men of the world and scholars; for a punch is a mighty potent in matters of this kind."

The punches were up in a trice; and while Mr. Stretcher and the general debated their affairs over them, Mr. Tickler quietly sipped his in the corner.

"To be honest with you," spoke the general, addressing Mr. Stretcher, "I am come here in the hope of getting a reward for my services, which is no uncommon thing; and as I take it there are many worse men than me serving the country, I flatter myself I stand a fair chance, seeing that my expectations are neither extravagant nor unwise. I am also of opinion that a man should think more of his country and less of his pocket; and to that end it will content me to be sent a commissioner to the King of the Kaloramas, though it would be natural enough not to refuse the mission to the Tuilleries. As for the secretaries, I have paid my respects to the whole batch; and though they are willing enough to say good things of me, and to extol my political achievements, they say pleasantly enough that the commonwealth could not do without me, and, therefore, that I must stay quietly at home. In short, they tell me that only such talent as is worthless at home can be spared to go abroad. The president I found a most excellent gentleman, ready to gratify my wishes, and to give me at least six of the seven missions in his gift. In truth, I found him a person ready to please in various ways, and take it that he has a liking for adorers, such as have little scruple in lavishing praise upon his well regulated government, the solidity of which, it is well enough to say, he has raised a pitch higher than any of his predecessors."

"You have it, exactly!" interrupted Mr. Stretcher. "He is possessed of wonderful faith; and if you want a favor of him you have only to ply him with such toys and trinkets as you have named to secure it. If, however, (and I take what you say for truth,) you are patient enough to be content with a commissionship to the King of the Kaloramas, there will be no more trouble about the matter than the making of a bird cage."

"Ah, sir! but how am I to reward you for your services? for a man is not expected to be a philanthropist in these matters, and my wife Polly Potter always said it was cheaper that a man pays for what he gets," returned the general. The adept charged the general to give himself no concern about that little matter, but merely to set it down for an after consideration. And to this they both agreed, and emptied their punches in the full belief that they were all-bountiful in the power of constructing commonwealths and managing governments. "Faith, it is just come to my mind that the president good-naturedly advised me to forthwith transmit my application in writing to the State Department," spoke the general, as if just waking to a sense of his obligations. To this Stretcher said nothing was more essential, and as much depended on the style and wording of the application (at which he had experienced enough), he enjoined the general to delay this matter until the following morning, when he would arrange it to his liking. Mr. Stretcher then took his leave, consoling himself that he had got a fleece of great value. And now as the limits of my chapter are exhausted, I must beg the reader to turn to the next for what took place on the following morning.



CHAPTER XLII.

WHICH RECORDS THE SINGULAR CHARACTER OF THE APPLICATION MADE BY GENERAL ROGER POTTER FOR AN OFFICE, AND HOW HE IS SENT MINISTER TO THE KING OF THE KALORAMAS, THAT BEING THE EASIEST METHOD OF GETTING RID OF HIM.



STRETCHER, after having looked in at the State Department, where he extolled the qualifications of General Roger Potter in language that would have astonished Cicero and put Lycurgus to the blush, busied himself the greater portion of the night in preparing the general's application for the mission to the King of the Kaloramas, a nation of savages few had heard of, and yet fewer visited. In short, I may mention here that the only benefit the government expected to derive from going to the great expense of sending a minister to Kalorama was that the savage, whom divers renegades had set up for a King, might have a guano island or two, which by some well-directed trick could be fritted away from him; while, having impressed him with the greatness of our prowess, he would hold it good policy to keep his peace. With a ponderous document, then, covering some forty pages of foolscap, and minutely setting forth all the great political results achieved by the general, and upon which he based his claims to the high consideration of the administration, Mr. Stretcher, not a little vain of his skill in drafting such instruments, entered the general's room early on the following morning, and found him in consultation with his Secretary, who was writing a letter to the Secretary of State, of which the following is an exact copy:- "Willard's Hotel, July 7th, 185-. "TO HIS EXCELLENCY THE SECRETARY OF STATE:

"Being informed by my friend, the President of these United States, who has given me no few assurances of his inclination to serve me, that it was to you all those in search of rewards for their endeavors must address themselves, I take it you will not set me down for a maker of wheel-barrows when you read this, my application for the mission to the King of Kalorama, which God knows is but a trifle, though I am willing to accept it out of respect for the man who is ready to die honest, and has no itching for what money he may get of his country. As to my qualifications, I take it you know enough of them already. But this I will say, that I am not a man to betray a trust, nor am I trickey; which is more than all of your ministers can say of themselves! In short, if your excellency would know all about that, I can refer you to Barnstable, where I am set down for a peaceable neighbor and as good a Christian as any of them. But I have heard it said that diplomacy was only a tissue of scheming to get the advantage over a weak neighbor; therefore it is as well to be silent on my Christianity, seeing that such is not adapted to the business required of a good minister. And though I am ready to pledge my military reputation (which I got in Mexico) neither to get into controversies with editors, nor to fight duels for what may be said of my wife Polly's muslin; nor indeed to cut up such queer pranks with all who come in my way that I shall be wondered at; nor to leave my debts unpaid, which is common enough with our young diplomatists, I will give battle to all sorts of wickedness which is the mother of despotism. This last I say because I have a Damascus blade that achieved wonders in Mexico, and to this day is as good as new. Grant but my request, and I will see well to this savage. And if he behave like a gentleman there shall be peace between us; but if he be obstinate, and cut up capers, and put himself upon his dignity, then I engage to get as many of his Islands as you shall command, which, judging from the gravity of your nature, I am sure you will value as so many pearls. But I pray your excellency to say to my friend the President that I have a rare talent for conducting governments, and am in favor of taking Cuba by the beard without all this coaxing round the bush, which reminds me of the means used to decoy a tender-hearted virgin. In short, as to that, I will turn my back to no man for my faith in what destiny owes us, and pray that the whole continent may soon be ours.

"Having said thus much, please write me down a man who will fulfill his promises, though sent to the remotest end of the earth. And here let me mention that it is reported of the administration that it has a passion for making ministers of unconverted Jews, and such other shabby politicians as the country can well spare. Now, though it may damage my prospects, I will tell you honestly that General Roger Potter never during his whole life trafficked in cheap gallantry and old uniforms. Truly, your excellency, I am neither Jew nor shabby gentleman, but as honest a Christian as can be found; and for that matter take it that my claim to the apples ought at least to be equal.

"As a recommendation of great value, I have been advised to state that I have no language at my tongue's end but my own; and, in truth, that needs much polishing. And most likely this savage king will be found in the same predicament, which is well for him; for if he had a whole Babylon of tongues in his head, like the three learned executioners of Putnam's Magazine, the devil would get his kingdom and leave him a beggar. Now as this savage can only speak his own tongue, you may fancy the solitude that must yawn between us. We may say what we please of one another without rendering our actions dangerous. Faith, as my Secretary says, it seems to me we may entertain a mutually magnificent opinion of each other without danger of disturbing the dragons. And if we commit blunders it will be convenient to charge them all to the deficiency of our tongues.

"And now, your excellency, if these qualifications be not enough, pray remember that I have as many more in store. Be not timorous in the matter, but ponder well over my claims to your consideration; and if it please you to grant my prayer, I will accept the boon with as many thanks as you may demand. "Your Excellency's Humble Servant, "GENERAL ROGER SHERMAN POTTER."

"Heavens, sir!" exclaimed the accommodating Mr. Stretcher, as the general read to him what he had prepared, "but you have left the perfecting of this business to me. Let me beseech you, then, not to dispatch such a letter, for I am not the man to question your abilities; but having got the matter in train, you must not knock the fruit down before it is ripe. Here your honor will find a document in every way suited to the purpose." Mr. Stretcher here produced a ponderous paper, wherein every speech made by the general was carefully referred to, and also no end of political achievements set down to his credit; such, in fine, as would have defied the skill of a dozen politicians of such inferior calibre as Clay and Webster. The general seemed a little chary of this big document, and took it in his fingers somewhat reluctantly. And as he did so, Mr. Tickler, who until then had remained silent, spoke up and said, "By my faith, gentlemen, had the matter been left to me, they should have had proof of my knowledge of Latin in the sentences, for I have heard it said that Secretaries of State are fond of it. But I will smoke my cigar and leave the rest to you."

"As for your Latin, friend Tickler," replied the general, affecting to read the ponderous document Stretcher was waiting in great anxiety for a verdict upon, "we will say no more about that, for it occurs to me you made it do good service at the New York Hotel." This so put the matter at rest with Mr. Tickler that he held his peace and smoked his cigar. "Upon my word, sir," resumed the general, addressing himself to Mr. Stretcher, "it will be a perilous adventure to send so ponderous a document to the State Department when business is pressing and time precious. Being a timid man, the secretary will lay it over for to-morrow, and to-morrow he will think no more of it. But suppose we compromise this matter, Mr. Stretcher. Let both documents be sent, and if one have virtue, surely two cannot fail to effect our object."

"Surely, general, you are blind to your own interests, and respect not my reputation," replied Mr. Stretcher, going right into a passion, and so far forgetting what belonged to good manners as to say he verily believed the general a trifling simpleton, who was resolved on making an ass of himself in the eyes of the administration, as well as doing him (Stretcher) out of the pay for his services. And this so excited the ire of the general, who was scrupulous of his honor, as well as vain of his good understanding, that he forthwith proceeded to take down his sword, swearing to have summary vengeance of the man who dared to cast such reflections upon his dignity. Seeing this Mr. Stretcher took to his heels, the general saying it was well he did or he had cleft him in two pieces. And while the excited general stood brandishing his sword in the door, Mr. Stretcher shouted back from a corner of the passage, that unless his demand for services, which were two hundred dollars, be settled at high noon, he would see what virtue there was in the law.



CHAPTER XLIII.

WHICH RECORDS HOW THE GENERAL GOT HIS COMMISSION, AND RETURNED TO NEW YORK, WITH SEVERAL OTHER THINGS COMMON TO POLITICIANS.



SEVERAL days had elapsed, the general's letter was before the cabinet, and many were the speculations as to what sort of a mission a man with such strange intellect was capable of filling. It must be confessed that his letter afforded the cabinet no little diversion; indeed, many were the members who marvelled at the queer mixture of sense and nonsense it contained. And the more they amused themselves in pondering over it, the more did they seem to find veins of good sense concealed in it. If, then, one agreed he was fool enough to be harmless in his associations with the people to whom he might be accredited, certainly if sent to some obscure and remote part of the earth, he had sense enough for the small service that would be required of him as a diplomatist. And as a dumb man could perform some excellent parts when left to himself, and was sure not to get into mischief from the too free use of his tongue, so also would there be peace between nations, the representatives of which would not understand each other. Another agreed that it were strange indeed that a man who had been so feted by the authorities of New York, and was represented by the newspapers as having rendered such important services to his party should apply for a mission so obscure. But on further consideration this was set down to his credit; for it was held that though he might be wild and extravagant in some things, he had at least the virtue of being modest in his demands, which was rare in office-seekers at this day. Further, there could not be a doubt but that he was one of those persevering gentlemen who would give the department much annoyance with his importunities, and the shortest method of getting rid of him would be to give him the mission. It was, therefore, jocularly agreed to grant his prayer; and the Secretary was forthwith charged to prepare his instructions and provide him with the necessary credentials.

A few days passed, and divers correspondents of newspapers famous for getting early news flashed over the wires, to the no small surprise of the nation, the important intelligence that General Roger Sherman Potter was appointed "charge de affairs" to the King of the Kaloramas. And this bit of very important news set many gentlemen well-read in geography to puzzling their wits to find out the exact location of this wonderful kingdom. Nor could they divine what benefit it was to be the good fortune of our government to derive from such a strange mission, though diplomacy had so many intricate labyrinths that it were impossible for the ordinary mind to keep trace of all its objects. If, thought many, Kalorama were a wild of uncultivated deserts, upon which the burning rays of a tropical sun beat without clemency, he who would face its terrors must have the courage of a dragon. But none of these trifles disturbed the equanimity of the general, who regarded this appointment in the light of another feather in his fame. He also had the good sense not to go into raptures over his appointment; but to follow out the instructions given him by Glanmoregain, who took a more comprehensive, if not a strictly diplomatic, view of the matter and its future results.

The government did, also, in the kindest manner, grant the general's prayer that Mr. Tickler (of whose gallantry and great learning he spoke in praises that would have secured a dozen appointments,) be appointed his secretary. Nothing then remained but the approval of the Senate; and as he reposed quite as much in his extraordinary value to the nation as that wonderful Wall Street general who now and then sends forth a whole gasometer of diplomacy from his little sanctum, so also did he, having got his appointment safe between his thumbs, snap his fingers at the Senate. In truth, he set an extravagant value upon his worth to the nation, and the honor that would be conferred upon it in having so great a general to represent it abroad! His most absorbing thought, then, was how he could make the most speed in getting to the place of his appointment, where he already began to fancy himself committing no end of diplomatic exploits, as a pink and flower of a general ought to do.

And now, feeling the tremendous demands of the nation upon his shoulders, and fancying every eye turned upon him, he drew his chair beside Tickler one day, and spoke as follows: "Friend, you shall know more of me when you have been longer in my service. I have already made you a great man; for as you know by this time, the office of Secretary to my legation is great enough in all conscience. Some men have a stomach for office like a cormorant, which is a serious scourge to the nation. Pray, sir, if you have a turn that way, get rid of it before another moon."

"By my honor, general, I've no such craving; for I was content enough before I saw you to live a poor critic, and never thought of being a Secretary. But tell me, what sort of a king is this we are sent to; for with all my reading I have never heard of him before?"

"By Heavens, sir! I know as little of him as yourself; but I take it he is a savage who it will require some fighting before he yields to all the demands I shall make of him."

"Now as to this fighting, your honor may excuse me; for though I have knocked a man or two down with my stick, and will turn my back to no man in valor at pen-fighting, I have no liking for these knives and pistols, for at best there is only an inch or two between them and a man's life."

"You must cultivate your courage, friend Tickler; you must cultivate your courage!" interposed the general, as Mr. Tickler quietly drew a fresh cigar from his pocket. "The day is come when, if a man would live in a mansion, he must have an undaunted heart, and courage enough to commend himself to whatever may turn to his advantage. You shall have chances enough to fill your pockets with gold. And now that we have these government matters to attend to, you shall soon see that General Roger Potter can manage a nation as well as any of them, if the clergy but let him alone."

"As to the gold, general, I pray the day may soon come; for I like to feel something in my pocket, which is lean enough now," rejoined the critic, casting an anxious look at his chief.

"Trust to fortune, and I warrant you a castle and so much gold that every malicious scribbler you have had a tilt with shall speak ill of you."

Tickler was inclined to look upon the castle as one of those he had so many times built of air, and declared that in addition to not having enough to buy a cigar, he had several times caught the landlord's eye, and knew that his bill was uppermost in his thoughts.

"Remember, friend," resumed the general, "the law will not let him hang you; and as he has been paid for one week, I take it there will be no moral harm if you shell him out of the rest, as you did the widow. Nor does it discover great valor in a man that he arm himself with his fears instead of his sword. It is necessary that you be firm and fearless, never for a moment deserting your chief, and always standing ready to do his bidding, if it be to make his enemies dance."

"Love of my mother, sir!" ejaculated Tickler, "you would not have me shell this landlord; for then it would get into the newspapers, and I'd be set down for a great rogue."

"Sharp fellow as he is, I take you, friend Tickler, for a sharper. And as you had skill enough to shell a widow, pray let your inclination take a natural turn, and if you cannot shell this fellow out of so small a trifle, then I am much mistaken in your qualities for a diplomatist; for I can tell you that it is come a fashion at this day for all our first-class secretaries to get well in debt, and then leave their creditors to whistle. Now, as my purse is getting low, and it will not do to let the nation suffer, do you pack up a couple of shirts, and heeding nobody, pass down the avenue, affecting the unconcern of the new member from Georgia; and when you have reached the cars (if any man say aught, tell him you are seeing a friend off) go quietly away in them, thanking Heaven for the bountiful examples that have been set you by high officials. Here! here are ten dollars; get speedily away, and I will join you in Baltimore. Fail not to meet me, for the nation needs all our efforts, and this is no time to trifle."

Tickler revolved this matter over and over in his mind; then he remembered how many ladies there were esteeming him for a gallant Irish gentleman. If this affair got into the newspapers, he thought, it might seriously damage him with the sex, of whose good opinion none could be more scrupulous. Suddenly he remembered that he was now Secretary of Legation, and with the examples set by several of his illustrious predecessors, he was not long in concluding there could be no harm in taking to his heels, and letting the landlord's concern about his bill offset for the shabby table he set. Also, the general had promised to make him as good a soldier as he had been a critic! And the ten dollars would, if he chanced not to meet some damsel of his acquaintance by the way, be enough for him to live fashionably for at least a week.

"It is well enough to think of your honor, friend Tickler; I think none the worse of you for that. But when you have disappeared I will raise my hands and swear there has been foul play; that you have been waylaid and despatched (having a full purse in your pocket) by those murdering villains who infest the city; that the government had better bestir itself in the matter." Thus spoke the general; and soon they settled the matter between them, and Mr. Tickler, consoling himself that the landlord was a shabby fellow, proceeded forthwith to the cars, and was soon on the road to Baltimore.

Several days elapsed, and, as might naturally be expected, a great stir was made about Mr. Tickler's strange disappearance, concerning which the general expressed great anxiety, offering to put up at least a thousand dollars as a reward to any person who would clear up the mystery. One declared he had seen Tickler in company with General Sam Houston; another was willing to swear in court that he saw him last in the company of Senator Douglas; and still another would have sworn he saw him on the day after his departure in the company of one Dabney Grimkey, a writer of sensation novels; and that both were entering a house of suspicious character, on the island, the inmates of which ought all to be arrested and made to give an account of themselves. Indeed, simpleton as the major was, he had cunning enough for the whole of them, and initiated his diplomatic career by dispelling all their suspicions. I ought, however, to except the landlord, whose experience in such matters caused him to have a misgiving that all was not exactly right.

When then General Potter gave notice of his intended departure, and demanded his bill, the clever landlord was careful to add the amount due from Mr. Tickler. This was quickly disputed, and as there was no law by which the host could compel payment, and the general declared he was a gentleman who only bore him company out of sheer politeness, he set to rubbing his palms in disappointment, swore no few oaths, and promised himself to be careful in future how he entertained generals traveling with secretaries. To all this the general remained unconcerned; and having but little baggage, took his departure for New York, Mr. Stretcher, who had been minutely watching his movements, following the carriage and importuning for the amount of his demand for services rendered as an adept. But the general only snapped his fingers, and reminded the adept that it was agreed between them to let so small an affair remain "an after consideration."



CHAPTER XLIV.

WHICH TREATS OF A GRIEVOUS DISAPPOINTMENT, AS WELL AS MANY THINGS OF GREAT INTEREST THAT TOOK PLACE ON THE GENERAL'S RETURN TO NEW YORK.



IT was evening when the general reached Baltimore, thanking Heaven that he was safe out of a city where it was the fashion with gentlemen who were not sharp enough to fleece the government to turn upon and fleece one another, and to let strangers look elsewhere for mercy. Elated that he was a minister, our hero took up his valise and straightway proceeded to the Gilmore House, since it would not do for so famous a diplomatist to put up at one of your shabby hotels. And here, having entered with all the pomp of his nature, he slyly whispered to the clerk who he was, and desired that he would enter his name in this wise: "General Roger Sherman Potter, Minister Plenipotentiary to the King of the Kaloramas." And this delicious bit of rodomontade being satisfactorily performed, it was with great difficulty the bystanders could restrain their laughter. Then the stubby little figure, casting a half-simple glance at every one he met, waddled up and down the hall, looking in curiously at every open door, and at times vouchsafing a bow to those he never had seen before. And when he had hobbled about to his satisfaction, he approached the desk and anxiously inquired of the clerk for his secretary, Mr. Tickler; but to his surprise and great disappointment no one at that house had heard aught of such a person.

The general was now much concerned about his secretary. All sorts of things evil and suspicious did he fancy; but they only served to increase his anxiety. In truth, it now seemed that what he had only intended for a joke when leaving Willard's might turn out a very serious affair. Some prowling villain might have slyly put him out of the way, and there was an end to all the pains and expense he had been at to instruct him in the ways of a good secretary. There was a bare possibility, however, that much as the affairs of the nation required their undivided attention, Mr. Tickler, who had in more than one instance given proof of having a touch of the gallantry common to the true Irish gentleman in his composition, might have fallen in with some damsel whose charms were stronger than the demands of the nation. But as he had reposed great trust in his secretary, so also did he find it no very difficult task to banish these suspicions. When then he had eaten his supper, which he did in great tribulation, he sallied out in the hope of obtaining some tidings of him at the various inns throughout the city. But the search proved fruitless, and he returned to the Gilmore, still more puzzled to find an explanation for so strange a mystery. He went to bed when bed-time came; but it was only to dream of wonderful exploits performed by himself in foreign lands, and awake to lament the loss of his secretary.

When then morning came he took his departure, proceeding by the early train to New York; for he held it good policy to get away as speedily as possible, lest his arrival get noised over the city and he be called upon to address some public assemblage, which might put him to great inconvenience in the absence of his secretary; for though he boasted that he had a profound way of his own for effecting purposes, he was not expert at fine writing.

While then the train swept onward toward Philadelphia, various reflections crowded upon the general's mind, and he said to himself: "Perhaps it had been as well for me to have allowed the fellow fixed wages; for, being a critic, which means that he is not a man to comprehend the greatness of rewards that may be in the future, he might have said, 'Heaven help me!' and taken to his old business." Again it flashed across his mind that if Tickler's courage was not quite up to the mark, he might have decided to try the virtue of his heels now, rather than trust them when facing a villainous enemy on the field of battle. But all these speculations proved mere hauntings of the brain; since when he arrived at the Girard House in Philadelphia, he found to his great surprise that "Mr. and Mrs. Tickler" had stopped to take dinner while passing that way a couple of days ago. "Faith of my father!" exclaimed the general, laughing in his sleeve, "either some one has told me, or I have read it in books, that all really good secretaries have a turn for these little gallantries. And if I understand the matter right, it is an excellent proof that he has the capacity for as great a secretary as any of them. In short, I have no doubt but that he is possessed of the rare faculty of giving his head to the nation, and his heart to as many damsels as may have a liking for it."

Being informed that his secretary had taken the road to New York, the general was further encouraged by the hope of meeting him there, and therefore proceeded on his journey without further concern, arriving at the St. Nicholas in due season, to the great delight of every guest in the house. Days and even weeks rolled past, but no tidings could be got of Mr. Tickler. His faithful horse was there, and had so improved as to conduct himself quite like a youth. Even his pig had not proved untrue to him. In short, Duncan was a great favorite with the public, and so many good opinions had been given of him by the critics, that Barnum proposed to purchase him outright, to the end that he might make him a feature of his museum. And although he offered for him a sum large enough to send three missionaries to Africa, the general said that the affection he bore the animal was such that he could not think of parting with him. Indeed, everything but the general's secretary seemed to have remained true to him. He now began to feel himself overwhelmed with responsibilities; for while he fancied the nation demanding great things of him on one side, the Administration urged him to prepare for Kalorama without delay. But what made the loss of Tickler more overwhelming was, that numerous and very distinguished political friends called to congratulate him on his appointment, which they described as sure to result in important advantages to the nation. Not a few proposed giving a banquet in honor of him on the eve of his departure-a custom which had become so common at this day that no distinguished minister ever thought of leaving without it. But this the general serenely declined, giving as a reason that he had heard it said how the gentlemen most busy in getting up these banquets left the payment to him who got the glory. He also had a slight recollection of what it cost him for the homage of the city fathers, and resolved to keep his fingers out of the pitch-pot for the future.

Like a good husband and a true hero, he visited his wife Polly, comforted her with a purse of gold and various other things, and gave her such a wonderful account of his successes as to make her doubt her senses. He also congratulated her that she was now the wife of a foreign minister, which would afford her the means of sending their son to the academy and their daughters to boarding school, where they would learn to play the piano, and be as fine as any of your ladies. But the good woman was affected to tears when he told her of the great distance between Barnstable and Kalorama, and only consented to his departure for that distant dominion out of respect to what every good woman ought to sacrifice for the benefit of her country. While, however, the thinking people of Barnstable were at a loss to know by what means he had got such an office, and were inclined to set it down for a joke of some waggish fellows in Washington, who were intent on testing the quality of the government for giving offices to fools, little Barnstable turned out in full force, and without the slightest respect for the great change in his fortunes, persisted in offering him a full measure of that species of ovation it was wont to pay him in times gone by.

Nearly two months had now passed; and although the newspapers frequently foretold the exact day the general would sail for the scene of his labors, nothing was heard of his secretary. It ought to be mentioned here that he occupied his time in frequent interviews with Glanmoregain, who had designs on Kalorama very different from those entertained by the government. For while the latter had furnished instructions to the general, strictly enjoining him to cultivate a good understanding with this savage king, and to impress upon his mind the advantages of peace, avoiding carefully all disputes arising between rival chiefs, the former commended a course diametrically opposite. Having riches enough at his command to overthrow a dozen such kingdoms as Kalorama, and which he promised to deal out without stint in the employment of such vagabonds as are more fond of fighting than saying their prayers, he instructed the general to first find out how many cunning priests and lawyers were in the country; what love they bore one another; whether they were renegades or natives; what influence they had over the king; and how best they could be set by the ears. And when this knowledge was thoroughly acquired, to hasten the formation of rival factions, being careful to throw the hot iron in wherever there was a chance, pleading at the same time for peace and harmony. Then if he could only get the priests at "cat-tails" with the court, which was easy enough, why, the prospect would be prodigious. Every thing must be taken in time and season; and if the lawyers were renegades, and he could get them at splits with both, he could then get some ambitious leader (one with more self-love than patriotism) just to tip him the wink, and invite him to become the champion of the strongest faction; he could then, being careful to let the cause of humanity and the spread of civil liberty be his watchword, go out with his sword sharpened, and after cutting down the existing powers, snatch up the diadem and place it upon his own head. Glanmoregain explained his various plans with such minuteness that they all became cloud and mist in the general's mind; indeed, he began to debate within himself as to the means by which he could serve two masters whose interests seemed to run in directly opposite channels. Minister Potter had, however, a ready facility for everything, and although something of a simpleton, pledged himself to carry out Glanmoregain's instructions with as many protestations of good faith as he had offered the government in proof of his sincerity. "Upon my military reputation, sir," said he, as Glanmoregain delivered to him a packet containing his instructions, "it will not take me long to get things as you want them. Say only that you want a dozen more such kingdoms, and I warrant to have them in your pocket in less time than it would take you to walk up Wall Street. But pray, sir, as to these vagabonds you speak of, take care that they be not men who have no fear of the devil and want all to be generals."

And when the merchant and his general had got all these little government matters so nicely compounded that they began to feel whole kingdoms between their fingers, the former took his departure and left the latter to himself. There were now only three days remaining before the general's departure; and as the government had vessels enough fouling their copper in our harbors, it was ordered that one be detached to convey the general to his place of destination. While then he was sitting puzzling his brain how to get a secretary who could manage the newspapers and attend to the duties of his office, and was ready to believe that Mr. Tickler had been foully murdered, that gentleman made his appearance, and gave so strange an excuse for his absence that I must beg the reader to turn to the next chapter, where he will find it faithfully recorded.



CHAPTER XLV.

OF THE MEETING BETWEEN THE GENERAL AND HIS SECRETARY, WHO RELATES AN AFFAIR OF GALLANTRY THAT HAD WELL-NIGH COST HIM HIS LIFE; ALSO, OF THE DEPARTURE FOR KALORAMA.



"TICKLER! my faithful secretary, the friend and companion of my future fortunes!" exclaimed the general, embracing the trembling Tickler as he entered the room somewhat timidly. And after shaking him warmly by the hand he ordered two punches, over which he promised to give him an account of the anxiety he had suffered at his absence, and which might have proved a serious affair to the nation.

"By my honor, general," replied Tickler, fingering his beard, and looking somewhat confused, "your kindness is as unexpected as I know it is sincere. And if you say the punches, it is as you say. It is to ask your forgiveness I came, and here you offer me proofs that I have not even incurred your displeasure."

"Mercy and courtesy, friend Tickler, belong to our profession," interrupted the general, elongating his body, placing his thumbs in the arm-holes of his waistcoat, and striding twice or thrice across the room. "I feared you were dead, friend Tickler. And it might look suspicious," he resumed. "But you are alive, and I am glad enough of it." The punches now smoked upon the table; and as the general drew up his chair beside the secretary, that functionary began to relate the cause of his absence. "I got safe into Baltimore, you see, and having no more fears of the finger-taps of sheriffs, was quietly wending my way for the Gilmore House, and had reached a fine old mansion that stood a little from the street, when my attention was attracted by a voice singing so sweetly that I became like one transfixed, for the strains seemed melting my very heart. And you know, general, that it's no hard matter to melt the heart of an Irish gentleman. The voice sounded like one I had heard before, and I paused, and listened, and wondered whose it could be, and suddenly it ceased. I turned to gaze in the direction from whence the music came, and there saw, through an open window, a girl of such exquisite beauty that I felt like getting upon my knees and worshipping her as the idol of love. During the pause she sat at a piano motioning her fan, and with so much grace and delicacy that even a Castilian could not have excelled it. Her complexion was like alabaster, her features of Grecian cast, and as regular as if they had been chiseled. And these charms were made more bewitching by the luxuriant tresses of black hair that hung carelessly down upon her broad, white shoulders. The thought that I had seen her before almost crazed me. Then suddenly her delicate fingers tripped over the keys of the piano, and she struck up a song, the words of which I have not now at my tongue's end, but which I remember said a deal about hope, anguish, and hearts that were true. Something also was said about the cold marble, and withered hopes. I may say, sir, that it bore a strong resemblance to songs I have heard sung by lovers in my own country,-"

"Pray proceed with what came of the lady," interrupted the general, impatiently.

"Why, sir, she sang this song so sweetly that the very air seemed filled with melody, and I fancied myself either in Limerick or Paradise. After gazing in admiration of her for several minutes, she turned her eyes toward me; and as she did so, 'Heavens!' says I, 'there's Linda Mortimor!' And if you would know who this Linda Mortimor is, listen and I will tell you. Her father was a merchant of New York, of princely fortune and good ancestry. And this fortune, together with his pride, he was resolved never to let get beyond the narrow limits of a circle of distant but equally fortunate relatives. But Linda, who was just budding into her seventeenth summer, let her affections fall upon an opera singer, a tenor of the name of Leon Benoni, who had some fame in his profession, and was likewise a man of good morals, which is rare with such gentlemen. I had known Leon for many years, and between us there existed a strong friendship. And as he returned Linda's affections with a love so impassioned that he swore death only could separate them, I promised to render him such service as he might need in an emergency. The possession of a girl so pure, so tender in years, and yet so beautiful, was a prize Leon would have braved death to gain."

The general, more impatient than ever, again interrupted by enjoining Mr. Tickler to stick to Linda, and omit what Leon said.

"When you have two lovers in a story," returned the critic, "you cannot well get along with what one said: you must fetch them along together."

"That may be your New York fashion," interpolated the general; "but I know one Joe Doane, of Barnstable, who had a whole year of love stories in his head, and got along well enough with one lover to a story."

These remarks somewhat displeased the secretary, who gave vent to his feelings in certain upward turns of his short nose. In truth, he was well-nigh ending the love story on the spot; for he cursed in his heart the stupidity of a gentleman of such shallow tastes that he would only have one lover in so good a story. But he bethought himself that now they were both high officials, he must show proper deference to his superior. "If you would have love stories," pursued the critic, with an air of regained pride, "pray take them in their natural state, and not as they are made by popular novelists, who get all sorts of murders into them. As to this young couple, seeing that Heaven (which forms destinies,) had ordered their love to run one way, I arranged their interviews, and so managed the exchange of their communications that they had pledged their affections in eternal constancy for months before the affair reached the ears of Linda's parents. And when it did, a great excitement was got up against Leon, who was charged with various crimes against the dignity of the family; indeed, so far was their indignation carried that several ambitious members of the family threatened him with no few ounces of cold lead. Opera singing was, at best, they said, but a shabby occupation, followed only by such trifling foreigners as had nothing else to do, and were wisely kept outside the pale of society.

"Leon then was cruelly separated from Linda, whose hard-hearted parents had her locked up in her chamber, where she remained seven months writing her grief in verses of such rare sentiment and purity of style that I doubt if Byron has anything to excel them. But finding that her love for Leon was incurable, and that the confinement was producing insanity of mind, her father thought to affect a remedy by offering Leon ten thousand dollars to quit the country. This he spurned, bidding the father give his money to him who measured the soul of man by its value.

"Linda's only companion during the confinement, was a pet canary, which she had trained to convey messages across the street, and into the window of a chamber occupied by one Minnie Rush, a companion and schoolmate, and one to whom she could intrust the secrets of her heart with explicit confidence. Through this medium then she discovered the place of her confinement to Leon, for whom I arranged a plan of scaling her prison and carrying her away. And this plan we undertook to execute of a dark night in November, when a pelting storm drenched the earth with rain, and the wind howled, and all the adverse elements seemed to have combined to complete the fury of the tempest. Linda was prepared, and paced her room with curious hopes and anticipations swelling her heart, and even filling her eyes with tears. When the clock struck twelve, we had, by dint of great exertion, got the ladder to Linda's window in the third story. And as Leon commenced ascending, Linda slowly opened the window. Fiercer and fiercer their throbbing hearts began beating; each second seemed an hour; and although the storm howled piteously, anxiety had so sharpened their senses that they distinctly heard the slightest movement. Quickening his pace as he advanced, and thinking only of the prize he would rescue from its prison, he was well nigh the top of the ladder. Another minute and the two lovers would have been clasped in each other's arms. Not a thought would have been wasted on the hard-hearted father; Leon would have borne the darling of his heart away in triumph! But lo! a crash was heard; the ladder yielded to the gale, and Leon, who was a man of much weight and circumference, fell to the ground with a broken leg. 'A pretty pickle you'r in now, Orlando Tickler,' says I to myself. But to make the matter worse, the ladder fell also, and so great was the noise that the father of Linda and two friends rushed out of the house in their night clothes, and with pistols in their hands. Seeing the cause of the disturbance, they at once gave chase after me; and though I would have stood by Leon until death separated us, it came into my mind that getting away as fast as possible would be the best service I could render him, seeing that it would afford him an opportunity to creep away into some hiding-place.

"I must not forget to tell you, general, that although I am a fleet-footed man, so closely was I pursued that I received not less than three shots in the skirts of my coat, and had been a dead man, but that two good-natured policemen came up, and stopping the enraged father, bid him give an account of himself; for they were unaccustomed to seeing gentlemen run naked in such a storm, armed with pistols. This enabled me to reach a place of safety. But the thought struck me that they would return and make search for Leon. I therefore followed them at a stealthy pace and at a safe distance for myself. Leon had crawled through a little gate and into a garden close by, where he found a shelter beneath some larch bushes, and was safe from the vengeance of his pursuers, who several times passed and re-passed within a few feet of him. The wreck of the ladder was all that greeted their eyes.

"When then the father and his friends returned disappointed to the house, I approached the policemen, and giving them an account of the affair and a few dollars, soon secured their good services. In truth, sir, they declared by their truncheons that if they had been let into the secret a little earlier the hard-hearted old parent had been locked up in the station house, and made to give an account of himself, and, perhaps, to pay dearly for being caught in a plight so dangerous to the peace of the neighborhood. They, however, kindly assisted in getting a carriage, in which Leon was got to his home, where he remained seven weeks without singing a note, and suffering much in mind, as well as body. And when he recovered, it was only to find that Linda was gone-had been carried away, and no one could tell him the place of her concealment. Thus forlorn, he gave himself up in despair, and came near dying of a broken heart, though he was attended by three physicians. But the post-man brought him a letter one day, and a timely letter it was; for by it Linda informed Leon that she was in Madrid with her father, which caused him so much joy that I had fears lest it derange his understanding. But a cloud came over his joy when she told him that such was the surveillance she was under that her life seemed a mere continuation of wretchedness. And while she still declared her love was unchanged, she artfully added that her father had so modified his opinions of foreigners as to press a suit between her and a Spanish Count, of whom it was said that he possessed estates in Arragon. This news seriously affected Leon, who was of an impulsive temper, and quick to give himself up to grief; for he knew what strange changes time and distance works in the mind of a young, ardent girl like Linda. He knew, too, how difficult a thing it was to resist the fascinating manners of the courtly Spaniard. All these things caused him to sorrow, and this sorrow so fed upon his heart that he resolved to get to Madrid with all speed and rescue her from so tyrannical a parent, though it cost him his life. But he was suddenly taken sick of a fever, which, in addition to well-nigh carrying him to the grave, left his intellect in a deranged state, and so reduced him in body that his friends resolved he had only a month or so more for this world. I had watched over Leon, and but for my poverty would have remained by his bedside until death separated us. It was my necessities, sir, that compelled me to join you.—"

"By my honor, friend Tickler," interrupted the general, approvingly, "I will now swear you make a good soldier; for such faith is rarely met outside of the profession to which I belong."

"As to that," resumed Mr. Tickler, "your great experience in these matters must make you the better judge. It then got (I turn now to Linda and Leon) into the papers that Leon was dead. And though I know not by what process this was effected, I can tell you that many obituaries were written in respect of him. Seeing that he had been so honorably disposed of by the editors, Leon held it better not to contradict the report, but as soon as he was in possession of sufficient strength, to leave in disguise for the scene where he would welcome death or win the prize for which his heart yearned.

"Judge, then, of my surprise when I recognized Linda in the lovely creature who played with so much skill, and sang so sweetly. Our recognition was mutual, for I stood where the shadow of the moonbeams played over my face. 'Heavens!' says I, 'how can I rescue her?' I saw she was not free, but rather the victim of a heart burdened with cares. My next thought was how to communicate with her. I retired to a little cottage close by, where I wrote a note on tissue paper, proposing an appointment on the following day, and secured it to the stem of a rosebud. Then I found a poor woman, a Savoyard, playing on her harp in the street; and having read that these women were accustomed to performing such parts for the rich lovers of their own country, I engaged her to play under the window until she had so attracted the attention of Linda as to make her understand by signs what was in the bud. This she engaged to do in a manner that would make success certain. She then repaired to the task; and having played several airs from the opera of Linda of Chamouni with great artistic skill, soon brought Linda to the window, where she at first listened as if she were taking lessons of a master, but soon changed her listening to surprise at the singular signs made by the woman between the airs. The mystery was dissolved when I again appeared at the front gate and stood in the shadow of the moonbeams. Linda declared she would not be content until the poor Savoyard was got into the house, averring that as she had never before heard such exquisite playing, she was anxious to ask the woman some questions concerning her history. To please Linda, then, she was got into the house, where, embracing a favorable moment, she slipped the bud into Linda's hand. I had suggested a place of meeting at twelve o'clock on the following day; and I leave to your conjecture what took place up to that time. Let me tell you, then, that she escaped from the house through the aid of a faithful servant, and we met, exchanged our joys as never did brother and sister; yes, we unburdened our hearts and gave each other accounts of all that had passed since the night Leon attempted to rescue her from her chamber.

"Linda had not been to Madrid, but Cuba; and the letter to Leon was nothing more than a cruel fabrication of her parents, who had persuaded her that he was dead, and produced papers recording his death in proof of their declarations. When I discovered to her that Leon was still alive, she fell upon her knees and beseeched me to speed with her to him. I knew and felt my duty to the nation; but the request of this lovely girl was something the gallantry of my soul could not refuse."

The general, who had listened attentively while sipping his punch, interrupted, saying, "I reverence your magnanimity, young man, and am glad to see that you had no thought of appropriating the prize to yourself. I am glad, too, that you had an eye to how much the nation might suffer by this love affair."

"Says I to myself," resumed the secretary, "'Orlando Tickler! now it's between the nation and this fair girl-choose which you will let go to ruin. Faith, the nation is well enough,' says I, 'and here goes to do my duty by this distressed damsel. And with nothing but what she had on her back, and a purse of gold, we turned our backs upon Baltimore, and like doves chased by sportsmen, proceeded with all speed to Leon, who had taken up his abode at an airy villa on the banks of the Hudson. And here again I will leave to your conjecture what took place when they met; and conclude by saying that I went mad with joy on seeing them locked in each other's arms. And while New York was being searched in vain by the friends of her unyielding parents, I saw them made one twain by the village parson; then I left them as happy a couple as ever mingled love, and sought you, intending to ask forgiveness. You have it all, sir; and may Heaven reward you for the forgiveness you have vouchsafed me."

And now, the time for the general's departure having arrived, old Battle was got safely on board, when this wonderful politician, soldier, and diplomatist, and his clever secretary, set sail for the Kaloramas; and when they had proceeded on their voyage for some weeks met with so serious an accident that the writer of this faithful history deems it proper that he should record it in the next chapter.

It ought also to be mentioned here that the general, out of sheer respect to his honesty as a critic, appointed Easley guardian to his gifted pig, whose earnings he promised to transmit to Polly Potter instead of the unfathomable depths of the "Bleeding Kansas Fund."



CHAPTER XLVI.

CONTAINING A FAITHFUL ACCOUNT OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN GENERAL POTTER AND HIS SECRETARY CROSSED THE LINE, AND HOW HE RODE THE FLYING HORSE.



BEING ignorant of any rule compelling historians to give the names of such ships as convey their ambassadors to foreign lands, I have resolved that the omission in this instance shall be made up by the fancy of the reader, whom I feel in my heart will generously give me credit for what I have written, the truth whereof no man of common sense will doubt. A further motive for not naming the vessel on which this wonderful minister sailed is, that what took place on board might afford matter for one of those extremely fashionable episodes called Courts-Martial, and which are principally held at Washington for the entertainment of such aged members of the service as are fond of listening to, and sitting in judgment upon, the minute and circumstantial details of indiscreet conversations held among young gentlemen of the ward-room; and which, it must be confessed, reflects but little honor upon the service. But to the ship.

When the ship was many days' sail from land, and affairs on board had passed pleasantly enough, the officers, one after another began to hold conversation with the general, and to flatter his vanity in various ways, styling him "Your Excellency," and intimating that he must be perfect master of all great subjects. In truth, they soon discovered from the disjointed character of his discourse upon various subjects that his wits were deranged; for no matter what subject they introduced, he would mount his favorite hobby of taking care of the nation. But how a man could be an adept in politics and a simpleton in so many other things they could not clearly understand. They therefore came naturally enough to the conclusion that the government had set a trap to get rid of a gentleman with designs on the treasury, and caught a mouse instead of a minister. Nor were they less surprised with the singular relations existing between the general and his secretary, who had more than once declared to them that he had puzzled his wits in vain to get at the true quality of his master's understanding. They therefore resolved among themselves to make him the subject of a little diversion. He had entertained them with accounts of the wonderful achievements of the Potter family, as also his own exploits in the Mexican war, at which they were all astonished and confounded.

When, then, the general appeared on deck one day, in his new uniform, which he got of Fox in New York, and which he verily believed necessary to the great undertakings he was about to engage in, the first Lieutenant approached him, and with great gravity of manner, said, "Your Excellency has doubtless heard of the custom which renders it necessary that all great officials crossing the line for the first time pay their respects to Neptune, king of the sea and father of barbers, who will come on board and shave you to your satisfaction. And when this ceremony is over the officials then display their skill at riding the flying horse, the success or failure of which is invariably held a good or bad omen of the success or failure of their mission."

The general listened with curious attention to these remarks. "I own, Mr. Lieutenant," said he, in reply, "that if you approached me on matters of government or something that concerns the politics of our country, there you will find me at home; but as to these affairs of the sea, I know as little about them as your village parson. As to riding a flying horse, I will leave that to Mr. Tickler, my secretary; for though no man will say I am not skilled in riding, I can tell you I have been twice thrown by my horse Battle, and care not to have more of my limbs broken. But by all means let this Neptune you speak of be introduced to me, and if the shaving can be dispensed with, so much the better, since I am not fond of ceremonies, and may have need of my beard in dealing with this savage king."

"Your Excellency reasons well," rejoined the Lieutenant; "but judging from the fame he has already acquired, and which is as familiar to us as our school-day primers, I feel that he would not have it said of him that he was a whit behind his many predecessors, who held themselves honored in being the recipients of this ceremony, which, in truth, is considered another feather in their dignity. But this I will say, that where secretaries are present, the custom has been so modified as to vouchsafe the shaving to them, while riding the flying horse is strictly reserved for the highest officials."

"What you say of my fame, Mr. Lieutenant, is just what many others have said, and may be set down to my honesty as a politician. And, as you say it is well to look to my dignity, I will confer with my secretary and hear what he says concerning this affair of the shaving." Having returned this answer, the general sought his secretary and recounted to him, in private, the conversation that had taken place between himself and the lieutenant, upon which the learned critic swore by Saint Patrick, and a dozen more equally good saints, that no man should trifle with his beard, of which he was as scrupulous as many of our more fashionable clergymen, and, indeed, kept it highly polished with daily applications of Rushton's best pomades. He also declared that however ready he might be to render service either to his government or ladies in distress, he verily believed the whole affair a joke got up by the officers, who were much given to practising such tricks upon the unwary; and therefore he would have them look elsewhere for subjects of jest. The general, however, assured him that it was a grave mistake, since gentlemen of such standing and valor would not deign to trifle with the respectability of a secretary invested with such important functions. He therefore proceeded with him into the presence of the first lieutenant, around whom several of his fellow-officers were gathered, and on stating what had taken place, they one and all assured Mr. Tickler in the most grave and becoming manner that they had not the slightest intention of offending his dignity, nor indeed in any way provoking him to think ill of them. Nevertheless, they begged him to bear in mind that this ancient custom was only kept up with a view to test the real courage and resolution of high officials proceeding on these great and important missions. "I am not frightened at trifles, gentlemen," replied Mr. Tickler, somewhat agitated; "but it seems to me that this shaving you speak of is not generally known among barbers. And I have read every book written by Ike Marvel (and bright gems, hung in the murky firmament of our maudlin literature, they are, too!); but not a word does he say about secretaries of Legations paying penance in this manner with their beards. However, if his excellency has courage to ride the flying horse, Orlando Tickler will not be found wanting. Pray let the ceremony proceed; but spare me my beard if you can, for I am no dump, and know that it was said by somebody that a poor gentleman had better stick to his garret than go beardless to court." The officers now proceeded to arrange the matter between themselves, and resolved to carry it into effect on the following morning.