CHAPTER XXIX.

IN WHICH MAJOR ROGER POTTER IS FOUND ALMOST SUFFOCATED; AND HOW HE DECLARES THAT MEN OF LOWLY BIRTH BECOME DANGEROUS WHEN ELEVATED TO POWER.



THE writer of this history, remembering how his mother admonished him to be virtuous and prudent, retired quietly to bed before the passions of the high functionaries had caused so violent an outbreak. And though his regard for the major's reputation was of the tenderest kind, he slept soundly, feeling sure that there was nothing in the list of misfortunes the major was incapable of overcoming. It was with no little surprise, then, that I was awoke by the landlord on the following morning, and told that Major Roger Potter was no where to be found. He regretted having such people in his house; but said it would shorten the account of his misfortunes, if he could but find the missing guest, for it was his custom to treat all men with courtesy.

On repairing to the parlor, which we did as speedily as possible, proof of what had taken place on the previous night lay strewn all over the floor. There, too, lay the major's three cornered hat, as if sitting in judgment upon a promiscuous heap of bottles. But this was the only vestige of the missing hero. At length a sort of murmuring sound was heard, as of some one in great distress. Seeing the landlord much perplexed, I listened with anxious attention, and soon discovered the sound to resemble very much that made by the major over the bruising given him by Captain Luke Snider. On approaching the closet door, it was found to be locked, and the landlord declared there was no space for one so stout within its bounds. Deeming it prudent, however, the lock was turned, to the great delight and relief of the major, who came forth like an half roasted rhinoceros, heaved a sigh, and swore by no less than three saints, as soon as he gained the use of his tongue, that the fellow who turned the key on him was no friend.

"I am marvelously fond of retirement, I would have you know," he spoke, with an air of much concern, "but I choose not to sacrifice my life in this way, for it is a device of the devil, and those in league with him." He emerged from the rubbish half dead with fear, and continued for some minutes proclaiming the baseness and treachery of the act. Then clasping the landlord by the hand, he besought him to be his friend while he took revenge of the enemies who had played this trick upon him.

"Pray be comforted, sir, for these things are mere trifles, and a great man is never so great as when he forgets his misfortunes," said he, "and heaven knows it has all gone wrong with me. You, sir, have a position I lay no claim to."

"Ah!" replied the major, "it is because I have a position, and think of it, that aggravates my misery. And though I am ready to confess that I owe my deliverance to your wisdom and prudence, I begin to think that power is most to be feared when entrusted to men who have been brought up in servitude; for among their many accomplishments they do not include that which teacheth every man who would take care of the nation, to bear in mind, that he serves her best who thinks least of himself. A mule may bray, but it takes an ass to be an ass. I have been these twenty years, sir, serving my country; and I take to myself no little credit that I have served it as well as any of them, of which my secretary can bear testimony." Here the major turned to me for a word of approval. The landlord now put several questions to him concerning his adventures in Mexico and elsewhere, to all of which he gave such extraordinary answers, that he felt assured that whatever eccentricities he might be guilty of at times, he had at least a vigorous understanding, and was as great a man as had come that way for many a day. And so completely did the landlord, who appreciated genius of the highest order, when it did not conflict with his interests, fall in with all the major's crotchets, that he would have written sonnets in his praise, but for the danger of entering upon so hazardous an occupation. He now condoled him for having fallen into the hands of such political vagabonds as had brought disgrace upon his house, and who he swore would bring disgrace upon any house that had doors open to them.

After a moment of deep thought, the major turned to the landlord, and with great earnestness of manner, said: "Since, sir, I have suffered no loss, let us think no more of these little distresses, for they so discipline a man, that if he have a heart it must be made capable of overcoming those obstacles all great men find in their way. We both agree on this point, Mr. Landlord. And since that matter is settled, if you have no objection, I will join you at breakfast, where we will debate several little matters concerning my mission."

The landlord smiled, and expressed his delight at such an act of condescension, which was rare in so great a man.

The major then made a hasty toilet, and together they entered the western dining room, the size and splendor of which quite astonished him, for the walls were inlaid with mirrors from the ceiling to the floor, and reflected the guests and each object with which the table was set out, while the ceiling overhead was decorated with frescoes and stucco work tipped with gold. Observing many fine ladies present, the major, out of sheer respect to his military reputation, made them all one of his most courteous bows before taking a seat, at which they were not a little diverted.

The landlord being himself a politician of no mean order, asked the major what he thought would be the effect of the repeal of the Missouri Compromise.

"That, sir," replied the major, "depends entirely upon how the people take it. If they hold their peace, then there will be peace. But if these humanity mongers, who would break the peace of the nation to get a new issue on the nigger question, get to kicking up a dust, then there will be no peace. It must certainly be confessed, that niggers ought to thank heaven that they are as well off as they are; and those who say otherwise know not what they say. I also hold it an advantage in political economy, that we keep the lazy rascals where by selling them we can pocket the money when occasion requires."

The landlord was now satisfied that his guest was at least right on this all important question of "niggers," though as many inferences might be drawn from his answer as from a speech of Senator Douglas respecting the territories.

Among other things, the major noticed that not a few of the ladies were deeply absorbed in reading the morning papers, and this so excited his curiosity that he must needs inquire of the landlord what it meant, when he was told that they contained an accurate account of what took place on the previous night, including his speech, which was so perfect a piece of composition, embracing so many subjects, and discovering a power to penetrate the designs of the enemy so truly wonderful, that not only his friends, but every lady at the table was commending him for it. "It is generous of them," returned the major, squinting across the table; "but I would have you know, I am a favorite with the ladies wherever I go, and being naturally tender hearted, I have known times when they would embrace me most affectionately. I say this between ourselves, for their fondness was beyond my expectation." Having ordered a copy of the Herald, (a journal which had for many years furnished the major his political, philosophical, and diversional reading,) he there found not only that he had made a speech of rare eloquence, but one of the most delightful as well as minute biographies of himself ever written. In truth, he was there made the hero of so many exploits as to make this history entirely unnecessary. I ought to mention, however, that the sagacious reporters were cautious not to mention the affair which caused the polite landlord to eject the high officials from his house. This gave an additional charm to the whole concern, and so elated the major as to entirely take away his appetite. Indeed, he resolved from that moment, let whatever come, to travel no farther without a reporter of his own. They made the very best sort of speeches, and could make and unmake great men with a facility truly astonishing, usually laying the greatest stress upon the smallest things.

When breakfast was over, the landlord drew the major aside, and requested as a favor that he would listen to what he said. "Understand me, sir," he said, with a look of concern, "you are welcome in my house, but I fear there are difficulties creeping in that may lessen our friendship if left unexplained. I see you are a man of great mental power, a stranger, and a gentleman, therefore you cannot be expected to know the great distress our aldermen, who are much given to ceremonies of this sort, have brought upon several honest men. You see, sir, how fond they are of the bottle, and as there are only two hundred dollars set apart for the bill at my house, which will not square last night's bill at the bar, pray give them a hint, for their generosity knows no bounds at times; and if I present a bill somewhat over the mark, I am laughed at, and set down for a confirmed fool."

"I see you are an honest man," replied the major, "and it is a pity your house should be damaged by persons who have not the fear of bills before their eyes, though they have the gold of the city at their command. But, sir, let your thoughts incline the most favorable way, for I have some two hundred dollars of my own, as well as a horse and pig of such rare qualities that I already begin to see the fortune they will bring to me." The major now continued giving such a wonderful account of his animals as excited the landlord's curiosity, and made him express a desire to see them. And as nothing so pleased the major as to show his animals to every new acquaintance, he doffed his uniform, and putting on his suit of Uxbridge satinet, which rather increased the rotundity of his figure, sallied forth to the stable, and there found old Battle quietly eating hay in the stalls, and the pig fast locked up in his cage. A groom led the limping animal out, and as he hobbled along the floor, a perfect Bucephalus in the major's eyes, the landlord could not comprehend how so sensible a gentleman could become so infatuated with a horse that was as lean as a lantern, unless he be a knave. But notwithstanding the miserable plight he was in, he soon began to raise his head and tail, evidently out of regard at seeing his master, and gave out such other signs of what there was in him, as convinced the landlord he was a horse of some metal, though he would not bring an eagle in the market. And here the major commenced to give an account of the many adventures he had performed with this noble animal, when the landlord interposed by saying, "I admire your enthusiasm, major, but as I have no love for practical jokes, you may put your frame in the stalls, for he will need all the care you can bestow upon him."

"Pray, sir, reserve your anger, for you have not had time to fully comprehend his many good qualities," replied the major, not a little grieved at the landlord's remarks.

He next visited his pig, who rose quickly to his feet, and commenced making signs of friendship to his master. "This pig, I assure you, sir," said the major, "was brought up in the care of the clergy, was the lead pig of one Felix Shulbert, a poor parson, who on losing his church took to the business of swine driving." The landlord was much amused at the simplicity with which the major related the history of this wonderful pig, who now came jumping out of his cage, to the great delight of numerous bystanders, and cut up so many queer pranks that they were ready to swear him possessed of the devil. He would run to the major on hearing his name called; he would turn somersets; he would walk on his hinder feet; he would point with his nose to any letter of the alphabet he was commanded; and, no doubt, with a little more training, he could have delved the mysteries of destiny with a facility that neither medium nor clairvoyant could have excelled. If, then, the lookers on were at first delighted, they now stood amazed, and declared that so sensible an animal had never before been brought to the city. "I have been told, sir," said the major with an air of self-satisfaction, "that you have in your city one Barnum, a man of much note, who is reputed to have become rich of dealing in deformed monstrosities, and though an honest man enough as the world goes, has had a strange history written of himself. And this history, I am told, has been much praised by the critics, though truly it is nothing but a tissue of certain deceptions practiced upon a credulous public-"

"You are right, there," interrupted the landlord; "he has made fools of so many of his fellows, that his imitators regard his tricks as so many virtues, which the public are ready to applaud. But as your pig is truly a wonder, you will do well to get him in the hands of this clever gentleman, for then his fame will be blown trumpet tongued over the land, people will rush to see him, and the critics, being well paid, will write all sorts of things of his talents. You may then let the devil take the rest, which is the way the world goes."

And while they were thus conversing, this clever man stalked in, much to the surprise of every one present, though it was said of him, that he could smell a monstrosity at the distance of a hundred miles. After fixing his scrutinizing eye upon the animal, and witnessing several of his tricks, which he performed with great agility, he commenced casting reflections upon his performances, saying he had talent enough, but it was of so crude a kind, that he would require no end of practice before it would do to bring him before a discriminating audience. As for the critics, it was no hard matter to keep them right; but it might give rise to a question at the Press Club, that would seriously endanger its harmony. He, however, began to inquire what the major thought about terms. To use a vulgarism very common at this day, he began to "pump him," in regard to the value of the animal's services. And here I must leave him for the present.



CHAPTER XXX.

WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE MAJOR RECEIVED THE CALLS OF DISTINGUISHED PERSONS, AND HOW HE DISCOVERED THE OBJECT OF HIS MISSION.



THE landlord enjoined the major, when they returned to the hotel, not to think so much of his horse, for he could not render much service to a military man. As for the pig, he could be depended upon as a source of revenue in case of need, which quite satisfied him on the matter of his bill.

The major spent the rest of the morning in receiving calls, for divers distinguished persons had read his speech in the newspapers, and were eager to pay homage to one of such rare gifts. Among them were prominent members of the Chamber of Commerce, who intimated that he might condescend to make them a speech from the Exchange steps, on the affairs of the nation; members of the Board of Brokers; citizens distinguished for their bountiful charities; members of the Union Club, who suggested that they would propose him for a member; members of the New York Club, who knew he would like to become a member of their body, which consisted of distinguished persons only, and kept the best imported wines and cigars. A person of lean visage, who constituted himself a delegate from the Century Club, begged to inform the major that the club was composed of poor but very respectable literary persons, who eschewed liquors and cigars, and were about introducing a by-law for the admission of ladies, which it was hoped would prove a regulator to the good conduct of all aspiring youths. The club, he knew, would be most happy to make him a member. A delegation from the Knickerbocker represented their club as the most cosy place imaginable; as for the members, they had so strong a turn for literature, that they had elected a grocer for president, and an actor for secretary. A visit from him would indeed be held as a high honor; and as it was strictly forbidden that any member discover inebriation before ten o'clock, he could not fail of spending a cheerful hour with them.

Each brought some such powerful argument to sustain their comparative claims to his favorable consideration. He also received invitations to visit various factories, and become a member of certain charitable societies for the taking care of widows and orphans, and poor authors with large families. In truth, one might have thought they imagined him a man capable of conquering the world with thirty thousand troops, such was the plentiful pile of invitations spread over his table. Even Hall wrote to say faro was played on the square at his establishment, which was visited by none but gentlemen of fashion and circumstance. Mrs. Wise, too, intimated in one of the most delicately perfumed billets, that her soirees were the most select in the city, and if so distinguished a major would honor her with a call, she would guarantee the rest.

The major had much to say to all who visited him; and though they listened with particular attention, there was something so strange about him, that, notwithstanding they would, in the coolness of their judgment, have set him down for an insane man, they could not reconcile such a condition of mind with the masterly speech in the morning papers. They were also much disappointed at his appearance, for he resembled more a corsair, or a pirate, than a great politician. And as his coat was threadbare, and his hair short cropped, many thought him a man who could better maintain his dignity at a distance, though heaven might send him fortune and earth give him bounties. But as neither the man of commerce nor the man of letters were capable of fully appreciating a military genius, who found his reward in buffets and hardships, and frequently wore the tattered garments in which he had gained his laurels, it was not to be expected that his preeminence would be recognized at first sight by any but his companions in arms. Hence he found inexpressible pleasure in the calls of several persons, who, though they had never smelled the perfumery of war, took great delight in the appellation of generals. One of these was as great a general as New York was capable of producing, and set much value upon his valor, though the only columns he was known to have led to battle, were those of a ponderous newspaper, in which was carefully preserved all the spice and essence of a wonderful warrior. He could write destructive three column articles with perfect ease, gave extensive tea parties to very respectable ladies, had an opinion ready on all great questions, could get up his choler or his pistol at the shortest notice, could lay his magnificent pistol away as quietly as any other man when the occasion for it was over; and he could, if the nation would only spare him, govern the world with the same refreshing coolness that he could sip chocolate at Lord Twaddlepole's table, which was a high honor with him. If, I say, this good man and excellent general had a weakness, it was for exhibiting his nakedness with all the embroidery, and for letting mankind in general know that he had joined the church, which latter was well enough, seeing that it atoned for numerous bygone backslidings. And as he stood in his boots, nearly two feet taller than the major, it was curious to witness the elongation of the little, rotund figure that stood bowing before him. "I see, sir," spoke the general, whose name was Toadytrip, "that you are a soldier, and belong to the noble profession, in which I flatter myself I have obtained distinction, though it has fallen short of my expectations."

The major received the general with becoming courtesy, and after expressing his gratification at meeting so famous a companion in arms, inquired as to the wars he had fought in, and what number of scars he had received.

Toadytrip fussed himself into a state of very general self sufficiency, and was at first not a little embarrassed; but at length he replied, that though he had never been in battle, he was ready to serve him with meal or metal in any of his undertakings. They now shook hands, and strengthened their friendship over a little brandy, for the general was an advocate of temperance only when it applied to others.

"You must know, sir," said the major, "that I am no scurvy fellow, but a man who has stood the devil knows how much buffeting in politics. I have made eight and twenty speeches, sir, in a month; and it was said of me that no man could better them. And if you would know more of my doings, please refer to my companions in the Mexican War."

"Your fame makes that unnecessary. To-morrow I give a tea party, and among the rest of my guests I expect a bishop and a nobleman, who is traveling over the country. They are both honest men, and as jolly fellows as can be found in the land. Honor us with your company, sir, and I warrant you entertainment of no common kind; for there will not be one of the lower order among my guests, and the high promotion you have obtained must, I am sure, be the result of many battles, which my friends will be delighted to hear an account of." The major was delighted with the compliment, but, as will hereafter be shown, was not in a condition to honor the general's tea party with his presence. And the general, having expressed his gratification at this meeting, took his departure, with many bows and assurances of friendship. When he was gone, there came several equally great generals and colonels, though editors of smaller newspapers; several of these promised him the support of their columns in any great undertaking he might embark in. This was especially so with the editors of the Celt, and the Irish Citizen, both of which gentlemen only asked that he would give them a pledge not to form an alliance with the English. In addition to this, they discovered a strong inclination for what was in the bottle, of which the major gave them to drink, and sent them home happy.

It being now two o'clock, the major ordered a black bombazine frock coat from Wyman's, and the committee of reception having arrived with a carriage, he immediately entered it, and was rolled away for the City Hall, where he was received with much pomp and ceremony by Don Fernando, who embraced the opportunity to make a speech, such as, he fancied, Demosthenes never excelled. And the major replied with his customary rhodomontade. Both considered the event an extraordinary one, auguring greater things to themselves. It must, in truth, be said of Don Fernando, that he could receive guests with a courtliness truly wonderful. I have not, however, thought it necessary to record his speech here, inasmuch as it bore a strong resemblance to such as may daily be found in the morning papers.

When they had sufficiently exchanged compliments, Don Fernando took great pains to show the major several objects of greatest interest in the Hall, among which was his corpulent chief of police, and a little man of the name of Sampson Queerquirk, who was his lawyer and factotum. He then took him by the arm, and they sallied out into a great hall, the walls of which were hung with portraits of mayors and other great men. Indeed it seemed as if it were a malady with mayors to admire their own portraits. The small modicum of vanity which slumbered in Don Fernando's bosom quickly took fire, and deeming it the height of discretion not to overlook any thing that might be of deep interest to so great a visitor, he pleasantly added, that a portrait of himself would soon enhance the splendors of the gallery.

And in order to give more perfection to the reception, and to make it in every way worthy of so great a politician, he had his troop of worthy policemen drawn up in front of the City Hall, where they performed a series of marches and counter-marches with such wonderful precision, that Don Fernando offered to wager a thousand acres of land in California that a more orderly body of men was not to be found. The major expressed himself delighted with what he saw of them. "Indeed, sir," said he, "I am pleased to see that they carry their clubs like men accustomed to a mighty master. And let malicious scribblers say what they will of them, I make no doubt they will either keep or break the peace at your bidding." At this Don Fernando blushed, but was cautious not to whisper a word about their agility for smashing skulls, and sleeping at street corners, which was truly wonderful.

The major returned thanks for the high honor paid him, and taking leave of Don Fernando, with many assurances of esteem for his great administrative abilities, repaired to his carriage, and returned to the hotel, where he met with a misfortune, the quality of which will be related in the next chapter.



CHAPTER XXXI.

RELATING TO THE APPEARANCE OF AN UNEXPECTED CHARACTER, WHICH GRIEVOUSLY DISTURBED THE MAJOR'S EQUANIMITY.



As the major entered the great entrance to the St. Nicholas, a well dressed man of medium size advanced toward him, somewhat nervously, and fixing a quick, suspicious eye upon him, whispered in his ear something that caused him to turn pale. Indeed, he seemed confused and bewildered. Seeing that he had "private" business with the major, the honorable gentlemen of this reception committee, with becoming discretion, quietly took their departure. "If you please, sir," said the man, "there is a little matter of business-these are delicate matters; but you see, sir, (and I make it as delicate as my duty will admit,) I treat every one whose acquaintance I make in this way with indulgence, and more especially men of your standing."

Here the man timorously commenced drawing an ominous looking document from his coat pocket, but the major interrupted, by touching him on the arm, and saying, in a whisper, "As you are a man of discretion, pray deal with me like a gentleman, and just come up stairs; for I would have you be cautious how you let your business out."

The man touched his hat, and followed at a respectful distance, and soon both disappeared into the major's parlor.

"Don't allow yourself to have any fears, sir; for I pledge you no one will know my business. I may say, for I see you are nervous, that I pay so many little attentions here, and to politicians, though not so great as yourself, that most folks fancy me a guest of the house." The man smiled, and was in no way displeased when he saw the major feeling for a bottle with something in it. After finding one, he held it before his eye:

"And now, sir," said he, "hoping to find you the gentleman I take you for, when you have quaffed a drop of this, which will no doubt do you good, pray tell me what the matter is, and who it is that seeks to take advantage of me?"

"Astor House," replied the man, dryly. "The proprietors are as good, generous fellows as can be found; but they have a way of wanting their own. They direct me to treat you as becomes a gentleman. And now, sir, my name is Tom Flanders; and if you will say how you propose to settle this little affair?"

The major tossed and scratched his head, hitched up his breeches, and seemed to have rolled his thoughts into a state of deep study, in which he remained until the visitor's patience was well nigh worn out.

"My time, if you please to consider it," replied the man, "is money!" Here he read the writ, and the affidavit affixed thereto.

"Upon my soul," the major replied, drawing his chair nearer the man, and extending his hand, "we can settle this affair, and be the best of friends! It's an old stick, but that does not matter; and you have said the truth of those gentlemen of the Astor, whose courtesy it was not right of me to forget, though they did me the honor, when a guest at their house, to say it might suit my position and economy better to take private board."

"It's only one hundred and thirty-seven dollars and costs. The interest, they were good enough to say, should be thrown in, which is something," muttered the man.

There was Mr. Councilman Dinnis Finnigan, alias Greeley Hanniford, who had "done him out" of the money intended for this very bill. Perhaps, thought the major, having come councilman, he will feel like making me an atonement, who knows? "Upon my reputation, sir, I have hit, (yes, I have,) I have hit on a way of settling this little matter between us!" said he, with an air of exultation. "There is one Councilman Finnigan, who not many years ago, (I say it in confidence,) and when he was an honest Quaker, and went by the name of Greeley Hanniford, did very unkindly do me out of all my money. Only the other day I jogged his memory concerning this matter, and if he is come an honest man, he will consider my needs. And seeing that the city, in reward for his past deeds, has made him one of its happy fathers, I take it he has straightened his morals, and become a good christian."

The major here paused, and then inquired of the official if he would condescend to accompany him to the residence of Councilman Finnigan. The officer, in return immediately declared his readiness to proceed with him; at the same time begged to remind him that the journey would be to no purpose; for though the city fathers were fond enough of the city pie, and always made out to keep their fingers in it, they took good care no one else got a sop of the sauce. As to expecting justice of Councilman Finnigan for a past wrong, it was as well to look for gold on Barren Island. They, however, proceeded together to the house of the councilman, and on finding him at home immediately communicated their business, to his great surprise. In truth, the high official immediately began to plead his poverty; and though he would not hear a word concerning the little affair of the pocket book, honestly confessed that he had more than once had it in contemplation to watch a good opportunity, and ask the favor of a small loan, which he stood much in need of to pay his score at the Pewter Mug.

I ought to mention that the councilman treated the victim of his early pranks with much consideration, and after discoursing some time upon the inconveniences of his attendant poverty, took down his whiskey, which he said was an indifferent drink to offer so great a politician, but the best his means would afford. And as it was a drink much in favor with Father Fogarty, who was a priest of great learning, and no renegade, as he had been called by the Herald and Tribune, he hoped he would excuse the rest.

He then explained to him how it was that the city fathers were proverbially poor. It was all, he said, owing to the parsimony of the old comptroller, who, when they felt inclined to be liberal to one another, set himself up for an inquisition. And after expressing his warmest sympathy for the major's misfortunes, referred him to Alderman Dan Dooley, who was a great discounter of notes, and did a favor for a friend now and then, especially when there was a large return and no uncertainty. The major and his official friend repaired without delay to the alderman's house. But that gentleman only had a thousand and one regrets to offer. Nor could Mr. Councilman Blennerhasset, who represented his distresses as quite enough for any poor gentleman to manage, render him any material relief; though the truth of the matter was, that he was up for Congress, and required all his surplus to purchase votes. The major now began to discern the complexion of his friends, and set to work thanking heaven for the mercy of his deliverance from them. In short, he now felt like a christian captive kicked by an ass; and as the official began to evince considerable uneasiness, and speak of the value of his time, the major declared his wits at fault. It however came suddenly into his head that he would straightway go to the Astor, and plead his case with the landlord, who being a man of sympathy, and a christian, would not hear his prayer in vain. Indeed, he felt it a courtesy due from him, for he remembered how kindly the host took the disclosure of the misfortune that had made him a sufferer, which was proof of a man of tender heart. He now communicated his intention to the official, who begged him to remember how far his indulgence had already extended. "You see, sir," said he, "we hold it right to perform favors as bountifully as circumstances will permit; but unless we get something in return our children would go naked." The major now discovered the inclinations of the man, and enjoining him to be comforted, slipped a piece of gold into his hand. And this quickly proved that such medicine went to the right place, and was a sure panacea with officials for the ills of impatience. Indeed, so ready was the official to serve him, when this medicine had taken effect, that in addition to being purged of all his impatience, I verily believe he would have accompanied the major to the devil, (if his inclinations had taken a turn that way,) so great was his condescension and readiness to serve him.

They now proceeded to the Astor, where they found the landlord in his usual good humor, and so glad to see the major that, after shaking him heartily by the hand, he would fain enter his name upon the register as a guest at his house. "It is many years since we met, sir, and fortune, though it has given me no money, has done something for us both," said the major, when they had sufficiently exchanged compliments.

"Truly, I am glad to see you looking so well, major; as for the money, pray do what you can for us; for our house has been a place of comfort for military men and politicians. And I know you will take no offence when I say that 'no money' is the cry with which they raise their voices to us."

"Upon my soul, sir," interrupted the major, swaying his shoulders, "it is not becoming of them to do so with a man of your generosity."

"You have my thanks," rejoined the landlord, with a smile. "I may say, we wish our guests well, and do cheerfully what we can to make the voyage of life pleasant." And while they were thus addressing one another, and endeavoring to outdo in compliments, the official took up his position a few paces aside, and amused himself by twirling on his heel.

"Indulgence well directed, sir," resumed the major, looking askance at the landlord, "produces wonderful effects. And, sir, if you will just please to bestow it in this instance, it will settle the little matter between us, and preserve our friendship. I confess, being a straightforward, honest man, that too many years have passed since your great generosity permitted me to become your debtor. But such, sir, is the condition of my financial affairs, that though I have popularity enough for any politician, I swear by my military reputation that I have not now a dollar in my pocket, and as my wife, Polly Potter, used to say, you can't get butter out of a pine tree."

"I assure you, sir," rejoined the landlord, "it was not our intention to give you trouble, and so quiet your apprehensions."

"And now, sir," exclaimed the major, grasping the landlord warmly by the hand, "I see you are a philosopher; for though you might lock me up, (being your property in law,) and cause my wife Polly to bewail my fate, you would also lock up my prospects, which are your hopes. Remember, sir, I am a soldier who has fought many battles, and have scars enough to satisfy any man that I am an honorable gentleman. And I would have you consider, sir, that several of my friends, (and they are no small men,) have said it might do to try me in the next presidential contest. And as you are a discreet man, pray keep before your eyes how easy it would be with a salary of twenty-five thousand dollars and the edgings, to shuffle off such a trifle. Consider it well, sir, and you will not let your anxiety interfere with my prospects, since I am now a man of mark, and shall at least get a foreign mission, for the vast services I have rendered the party. And I will share the income with you, if my children go supperless to bed." The major continued in this manner, pleading his poverty with the landlord, until he so excited the goodness of his heart, that he not only regretted having resorted to law, but actually dispatched the official to his attorney with orders to forthwith stay proceedings. He also accepted the major's word of honor for the forthcoming of all demands; and, indeed, would not be content until he had dined at his house, and recounted the many deeds of valor he had performed while in Mexico, which he did over a bottle of old Madeira.



CHAPTER XXXII.

WHICH DESCRIBES WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE MAJOR RETURNED TO THE SAINT NICHOLAS; WITH AN ACCOUNT OF HOW HE GOT INTO DEBT AT THE ASTOR, AND VARIOUS OTHER THINGS.



IT was early evening when the major came exultingly into his parlor at the Saint Nicholas, and after quenching his thirst in a nicely mixed beverage, for the day was excessively warm, said: "And now, young man, I own I have not done much for you yet; but you must not be discomfited, for there is a good time ahead, and I begin to esteem myself no small diplomatist. Indeed, if you had seen how I accommodated myself to that affair with the Astor, which threatened to overthrow all my prospects to-day, you would have seen, sir, that I am not a man to build castles in the air. No, sir, I hold the advantage gained over the host of the Astor in the light of a victory gained over my enemies. And though my private affairs are somewhat loose in the joints, what matters it, so long as I stand square in the public eye? Private affairs are private affairs, and I hold it good philosophy that they have nothing to do with a public man and his usefulness."

The major here commenced to recount, taking considerable credit to himself as a diplomatist, how he got the advantage of the landlord.

"I pleaded my poverty while keeping my prospective riches before his eyes," said he; "and as he was as scrupulous of his character for generosity as he was of the reputation of his house, I was careful to enhance the opportunity of flattering both those weaknesses. I also said, by way of perfecting the thing, that when in the capacity of foreign minister, I had agreed to correspond with the Courier and Enquirer, which, notwithstanding it was an almost pious newspaper, and edited by not less than two famous generals, and the grandson of a most worthy bishop, who was a poetaster, as well as a man of so much fashion that he had gained an enviable celerity for writing sonnets and eulogistic essays in admiration of fair but very faulty actresses; being the prospective correspondent of this almost pious newspaper, I consoled the landlord with a promise to write numerous puffs of his house. My point is carried, and if they like not my articles, as the critics say, they will at least give me credit for astuteness, for the man who succeeds is the man in these days!"

"And now, sir," said I, "remember that you promised, as we were journeying over the road to Barnstable, to renew the history of your first adventure in New York, in which you were interrupted by the mischievous boys." And as nothing so much pleased him as to relate his misfortunes at that time, he went straight into a rhapsody of joy, fretted his beard, looked quizzically out of his eyes, and said:

"I have it, sir! I have the exact place. I was, as I am now, on my way to Washington, in the hope of getting a reward for the services I had rendered the party; but having lost all my money by one of these pranks which the gentry of New York practice, and which Mr. Councilman Finnigan, (I honor him in his present position,) is, no doubt, skilled in, I had no means either to pay my landlord, or what certainly was much more, to leave his premises.

"Days and weeks I was a martyr to my doubts and fears, and ate the good man's meat as if his finger was on my shoulder, and his eye on my plate. Several times he suggested, in the most gentlemanly manner, that it would be consulting economy for me to seek private board. But I should like to see the man who could look a widow landlady in the face, (unless he intended marrying one of her daughters,) without a dollar in his pocket. I told the landlord as much, but he only laughed, and said it was a thing very common at this day.

"I got up one morning, eat what little my anxiety would admit, went and sat down upon a seat in the Park, and contemplated the inclinations of the passers as they rushed by; fixed my eyes upon the city hall clock, as it struck ten, and thought the policemen cast an unusually sharp eye at me, as they sauntered by, and puzzled my brain to find some means of relief, for I had just received a letter from my wife, Polly, who was in a sad strait at home, which added to the amount of my own misfortunes. And while I was musing in this way, a street beggar appeared, and notwithstanding he was well dressed, demanded alms; and when I told him I had none to give, he set to cursing me right manfully, which was a custom with such knaves, who imitated the city fathers in more ways than one. And as if to show his contempt for one who had no alms to give, the knave threw me a shilling, which he advised me to spend for the washing of my linen, which he saw stood in much need of it. Remembering that I was a politician, I felt mortified enough, and summoning what little stock of courage I had left, I repaired to the hotel, resolved to be manly, and ask the loan of twenty dollars or so, just to get me over my difficulties-that is, to get out of the Astor and into humble lodgings. Being at that time skilled in the art of making calf brogans, necessity seemed pointing me to that as the only means of retrieving my fortunes.

"On entering the hotel, the landlord kindly pointed me to my baggage, which he had brought down, having much need of his rooms, and carefully set in the office. This put an end to our acquaintance, as well as left me without courage enough to request the loan I had contemplated. I own the whole thing was done with much shrewdness, and was a decided improvement on being kicked into the street. But though I was neither a rogue nor a highwayman, I took up my valise and proceeded into the street, feeling like one whose dignity was never to be restored to him. After wandering about for some time, like one crazed with some religious phantasy, I found myself in front of a little house on Greene Street, with a paper on the walls, setting forth that lodgings were to be had within. I was in a mood to find comfort any where, so knocked at the shabby little door, and was admitted by a negro wench of great fatness, into a greasy little entry, from whence I was shown into a dingy parlor, crowded with well worn furniture. The mistress of the house, the negress said, would soon be home; and pointing me to some books that stood upon a dusty table, and interposed between a dilapidated sofa and an old fashioned tte—tte, bid me amuse myself. Then she gave me a broken fan, and seemed very generally anxious to make me comfortable. I took a seat in a dyspeptic arm chair, that kept up a curious clicking, and after waiting for some time, perplexed a little at first, consoled myself that others had troubles, perhaps worse than mine. Then I dropped into a nap, and forgot all my cares until the door bell tinkled, and I awoke, feeling sure the mistress of the house was arrived; but it turned out to be the boy with the Evening Post, a journal I always admired for its admirable morals. Indeed I may say I regard it an excellent journal to read in an hour of distress, its philosophy being soothingly profound. I seized the paper, and read from outside to inside, until my courage was quite restored, and I began humming an air which sent me into the happiest of moods.

"Presently my eye caught a portrait I fancied to be a likeness of the landlady, hung with dusty crape upon the wall, and having the appearance of a specter peering through the mist. I was curious to see the quality of her beauty, and advancing toward it, parted the crape in the center, and there beheld a face and bust of such exquisite loveliness that I felt sure the rogue of a painter must, in the outpouring of his love for the beautiful, have been trying his skill at flattering the vanity of some damsel with a likeness of Haidee. She had the bust of a Venus, and was dressed low enough in the neck to admit full scope to the devil's fancies. Her face, too, was so oval that nature could not have added one line more to its perfection; while her complexion was of deep olive, made ravishing by the carnatic flush of her cheeks. And she had what poets and lady novelists call great Italian eyes, beaming lustrous of soul and energy; and hair that floated in raven blackness over shoulders that seemed chiseled. I began to think myself the happiest of men, for my system had always a bit of poetic fire in it. And then these charms, which had already begun to rob my heart of its peace, were made more seductive by a calmly resolved and yet pensive expression of countenance. Indeed, at a second glance, it seemed to approach melancholy, and bespoke that frame of mind when sorrow feeds most upon the heart.

"I touched the frame, and instantly it fell to the floor, with a great noise. And while in the midst of my confusion, a key clicked in the door, and a lady of stately figure, dressed in deep mourning, advanced into the parlor, and, being deeply veiled, took a seat upon the sofa, quite like a stranger. I bowed and said, 'Madam, I am waiting for the mistress of the house. You are on a similar errand, I take it?' To which she replied in a voice of peculiar sweetness, that she was the person, and would have me make known my business. She then threw back one veil, and then another, until she discovered a face even more beautiful than that of the portrait I had just replaced on the wall. I must also mention that she seemed conscious of her charms, for with an air of much grace and dignity, she raised her jeweled fingers, so tapering, and smoothed the glossy black hair over her polished brow, while the diamonds of her bracelets sparkled through the white ruffles that hung from her wrists.

"'My name, madam,' said I, 'is Major Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter. I make no doubt you have heard of me, for enough has been said of me in the newspapers. But I will say no more of that just now, for it does not become a military man to speak of himself."

"'Your name, sir,' said she, condescending a bow and a smile, 'is quite familiar. Indeed, if you will pardon it in me, I may say that I have had great curiosity to see a gentleman so popular, for I was raised and educated among distinguished people, and am fond of their society, which I cannot now enjoy, since fortune has treated me unkindly, and I am not what I was, as you may see by my humble calling.'

"I begged she would take the most favorable view of her prospects, and at the same time not feel embarrassed.

"'But tell me, sir,' she resumed, with a look of great earnestness, 'did you come on business for my first husband, Mr. Primrose?'

"Not wishing to make her anxiety painful, (for I am not a man of evil inclinations,) I discovered my business to her, but said nothing of the state of my finances.

"'You have my thanks for the condescension you have vouchsafed, sir,' she replied, evidently much pleased at the prospect of so famous a lodger; 'but I fear my lodgings are far too humble for one of your position. They are small, and furnished according to my scanty means.'

"I at once told her that obscurity was my object, and that it was enough that there was peace in the house, for I was engaged over a mighty project, which I could not perfect with so many striving to do me honor. If she was before pleased, she now became exultant, and nimbly led the way up two pair of narrow stairs, entering more freely into conversation, and saying the parlor was at my service when company called. 'Now these are not large, but comfortable rooms,' she continued, showing me into a little ten by twelve nook; 'I have six lodgers similarly situated, and they are all genteel men, doing a large business.' She then began giving me an account of their various business pursuits, which was so confused and indefinite as to render it impossible clearly to understand whether they were bankers, doctors, clergymen, or stock brokers. In truth, by her own showing, they conversed of stocks, chips, sermons, and splits, with equal facility. But there was something I could not exactly understand, in the manner of her thanking God, that though reduced to this humble style of living she was comfortable, and expected soon to see the day when she would be restored to the rank in society from which she had fallen. 'There was, as I am a lady,' she added, with a look of sorrow shadowing her face, 'a time when every button on my father's coat cost a dollar, and our family servants all wore as nice liveries as could be seen in Fifth Avenue, for we had them changed a number of times, until we got them unlike any one else's.' She was evidently distressed with some past trouble; and when I said, 'Madam, I will do myself the honor to become an inmate of your house,' she seemed so overjoyed that it was with difficulty she could withhold her tears. On inquiring her name and what business her husband followed, she replied that her name was Mrs. Pickle, (she having dropped Primrose for sufficient cause,) and that of her husband, Mr. Stephen Pickle, of the young American Banking House of Pickle, Prig, & Flutter, doing business near Wall Street. We returned to the parlor, and when the valise bearing my name, which I took good care to keep in sight, was sent up stairs, and I had told her how the accident to her portrait was caused, she blushed and was so ready to unbosom her griefs, that she immediately proceeded to give me an account of herself, and how it was that she was Mrs. Pickle and Mr. Primrose still living.

"'Pardon me, sir,' said she, 'but as I know you think it strange that I have adopted this humble calling, I will tell you in brief how it happened. A change came over my father's fortunes, and from being a rich and influential merchant, he was, by what is called endorsing for others, reduced to a state of poverty, and so harassed by his creditors, who in their grasping for what he had would give him no chance to retrieve his fortunes, that he put an end to a miserable existence by hanging himself. My father was a man of simple tastes, and set a higher value upon his good name than upon the worldly show which was coming into fashion at that time. With my mother, it was quite different, for although she was much given to the church, and subscribed largely for the support of an expensive clergyman, she had a love of worldly show and ostentation, that not only reduced my father's means, but grievously distressed him. The sudden turn in our circumstances produced but little change in my mother, who set great value upon the good looks she imagined me possessing; and having some money of her own, we took board with Mrs. Marmaduke, who kept a boarding house for people of distinction, in Fifth Avenue, and was famous for the style and luxury of her establishment, which had been the scene of several rich matrimonial alliances.

"'Having previously formed the acquaintance of a poor but respectable young artist and poet, whose kindness and sincerity, as well as the great love he bore his art, in which he had already gained celebrity, so won my affections, that it seemed as if I could be happy with none other. And when my mother discovered how our inclinations were bent, she forbid him coming to the house. He had no money, she said, and painters were, in addition to being very generally fools, a shabby class of men, who were thought little of among rich merchants, and never took rank in the aristocracy-at least, not in this country. Putting these things together, she could not think of giving her consent to an alliance with such a person. In truth, sir, though my narrative may not interest you, I may mention that she more than once declared that painters and poets were such a shiftless set that they ought to be bundled into the sea together. 'Think! Maria,' she would say, 'of a thing with a weasel of dirty paints in his hands, and a bit of canvas, cut, may be, from some old ship's sail, before him, and he trying to get some curious notion upon it! A pretty person to go into society with, indeed!' This did not deter me from my purpose, so we would meet in saloons on Broadway, and exchange our affections, and concert measures for our mutual relief.

"'Matters proceeded in this way until Mr. Primrose and his friend, Mr. Sparks, came to the house. They professed to be Englishmen of wealth and station, educated at Oxford, and acquainted with enough of the nobility to enable them to mix with our best society. According to Mr. Sparks, his friend Mr. Primrose, to whom he paid great deference, had riches enough to purchase a kingdom or two. Mr. Primrose had a servant in livery, and arms painted on his carriage door, and the fleetest of horses. My mother was much taken with him, and Mrs. Marmaduke declared that a more perfect gentleman had never graced her drawing rooms. He took them both to operas, and balls, and sleigh rides. And he paid them such court as completely won their confidence. In truth, they were both so enamored of him, that they were singing his praises from morning till night. And when he had sufficiently won them over to him, he commenced paying his addresses to me, and so earnestly did he press his suit, that my mother declared it would not do to protract so excellent a chance. And notwithstanding my hand had been pledged to Milando, which was the name of the young painter, my mother insisted, and our nuptials were celebrated, though much against my will. It seems a report, which my mother did not see fit to contradict, had got out that I was the only heir to a large estate, which was the prize Mr. Primrose sought to secure. In two short months the truth was revealed. I had no dowry, which so disappointed him, that he began to cast reflections on my poverty, adding that he had been deceived by the false representations of my artful mother. This gave me so much pain, that I sought relief for my distress in frequenter interviews with Milando, who, seeing himself ill treated for his poverty, resolved to quit a profession in which neglect and distrust too often repay its votaries, and take to one that would at least afford him money; which, according to the fashion of the day, was the only passport into what was called good society.

"'Mr. Sparks quarreled with Mr. Primrose, who was in arrears for board with Mrs. Marmaduke, and let it out that he was only a knight of the needle, who had formerly resided in Bermuda, which he left for a cause it is not worth while to mention here, though he was skillful enough at making breeches, and getting up odd liveries for ambitious families. He was missing one morning, and as his friend Sparks had taken the precaution to precede him, there were so many inquiries for him at Mrs. Marmaduke's, that it soon became clear he had left to escape the importunities of his creditors. In truth, he was declared an impostor, and the whole affair got into the newspapers, the editors of which set about ferreting out a few of his exploits, when it was found that the deception practiced upon me was only one among many, for he had gained a victory over the affections of several widows, and left no less than three wives to sorrow. And so skillfully were his exploits performed, that each victim imagined him the most sincere and devoted of lovers.

"'This sad occurrence, and its publicity, so mortified my mother, who was harassed with debts she had contracted to keep up appearances, that she survived it but a month. I was then left like a hapless mariner tossed on a troubled sea, and with no friend near. Mrs. Marmaduke made me a mere vassal in her house, and the inmates treated me as if I were born to be scorned. Milando was my only hope, my only true friend-the only one to whom I could confide my heart achings, to whom I could look to save me from a life of shame, to which remorse had almost driven me. And will you believe that he invoked a curse, and resolved to leave his profession, (for he could not live like those shabby men of the newspapers,) to seek means whereby he could live without struggling in poverty and want. True, the wealthy gave him orders for paintings, affected great love for his art, of which they held themselves great patrons when they had bought two pictures. But, as a general thing, they had most excuses when he called, and were least ready to pay, which so tried his proud spirit, that he more than once resigned the pictures to them rather than be a supplicant for his pay.

"'Necessity at last drove him to painting Venuses for keepers of bar rooms, who regarded art only as a means to excite the baser passions of the vulgar. And though he was by this enabled to meet the demands on his purse, the thought of degrading an art to which he had given the devotions of his life, grieved him to the heart. He therefore resolved that, as he could not make it serve the high purpose for which it was intended, he would abandon it. And when he changed his profession, he changed his name. He is now Mr. Pickle of the firm I have before mentioned. We were privately married under that name, and have since lived as humble as you see us. When we have got money enough, my husband will return to his profession. And now, sir, pray adapt yourself to our humble mode of living, and remember that our home is your home while you remain with us.'"



CHAPTER XXXIII.

WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR DROPPED THE TITLE OF MAJOR, AND TOOK THAT OF GENERAL; ALSO, HOW HE JOINED THE YOUNG AMERICAN BANKING HOUSE OF PICKLE, PRIG, & FLUTTER.



"WHEN the lady had enlisted my sympathy by her narrative," continued the major, "which she related in a voice so sweet and melodious that I listened to her with unmixed pleasure, the door bell rang, and Mr. Pickle, a man of straight person and medium height, entered. His hair was black, and curled down his neck, which was symmetrical. And, too, his face was singularly expressive, and his features prominent. In a word, his appearance was prepossessing. And in addition to dressing in the fashion of the day, he wore many jewels. His bearing also was graceful; and on entering the room, he addressed the lady with much courtesy, and called her Maria. She in turn introduced him to me as her husband. And I must say he seemed not a little surprised and confused at hearing my name, and inquired a second time, if I was the Major Roger Potter, of whom so much had been said in the newspapers? And when I satisfied him on that point, he became so truly delighted that he immediately engaged me in conversation concerning the state of the nation, about which he was well read, and indeed knew so much, that I at once took him for a politician. But he assured me he was not; and to farther satisfy me, he commenced a description of the banking and other operations the Young American Banking House of Pickle, Prig, & Flutter were engaged in. They had an office near Wall Street, furnished with the finest desks, carved in black walnut, and Brussels carpets, and stationery of a quality sufficient to carry on an endless amount of diplomacy. They had books showing their correspondence with various prominent bankers in Europe-such as George Peabody, the Rothschilds, Overand, Gurney, & Co., of London; and Monroe & Co., of Paris. They had cards printed showing the most respectable references; they had correspondents in all important towns over the Union, and towns they had none in were not worthy of so distinguished a consideration. They had gold mines in Peru and Mexico and California; silver mines in Chili, and iron mines in Patagonia and Nova Scotia. As to copper mines, they owned them here and there all the way from Lake Superior to Cuba and Valparaiso. Indeed, they owned and were agents for such an innumerable quantity of outlying property, that a country gentleman, as I was, might have imagined them in possession of at least one half of South America, and that the only one worth having. In addition to this, they condescended at times to discount notes, especially when it was a sure thing, and five per cent. a month was a matter of no consequence with the holder. They drew bills, too, and sold exchange on every city in Europe; and would have drawn on Canton, had they been honored with a demand. In fine, there was not a city from Constantinople to Oregon, in which they had not a balance, and were prepared to draw upon. And I verily believe that, had it been necessary, they would have had a Bedouin Arab for agent in Egypt. The house now stood much in need of a little ready cash to steady it on one side, and a prominent name (if coupled with a military title, so much the better) to prop up its dignity on the other. Indeed, I discovered from what Pickle said that the dignity of the house had already begun to tottle a little, and needed a steadying name and a steadying balance.

"When we had taken supper together, he renewed the conversation, which finally resulted in his saying that a person so popular as myself was just such a one as they wanted for partner in their house. Inquiring what I thought of the matter, he said he would propose it to the firm, and to-morrow make me a proposal. He also suggested, that if I would drop the Major, and assume the title of General-a thing done every day by the greatest of politicians-the effect would be equal to a large amount of capital. Generals stood well in Wall Street; generals were excellent men (when endorsed by bishops) to send abroad to effect loans; generals were capital fellows to get well out of a financial collapse; in fact, generals were just the men to get through any sort of difficulty. Society bowed to a general; the people were charmed by a general; a general was every thing to a Young American Banking House like that of Pickle, Prig, & Flutter. No matter how visionary your scheme, you had only to tie a general to it, and success was certain. If you could buy up a newspaper or two, so much the better, for then the general would appear as editor, and be prepared, as was the custom of the day, to praise every scheme they were engaged in. I thought the offer very kind of Mr. Pickle, since my affairs were in a financial collapse; and on the following day met his partners, at their banking house, which was an exceedingly stylish affair. The result was, I became a partner in the concern-a silent partner, with the name and title of General Roger Sherman Potter, Prig holding it good policy to retain the Sherman, that being a name of great weight in the banking world.

"The consummation of this being announced in all the newspapers, it was ordered that I occupy a seat in the office at an immense mahogany desk, at least three hours a day. I was to have all the daily papers duly filed at my hand, and to appear immersed in a pile of correspondence, just received per various foreign arrivals. If a customer strayed to me, I was to refer him to Flutter, who was the polite man of the firm, and generally sat in an enclosure of highly polished walnut railings, at a desk, upon which lay an enormous ledger he was for ever footing up, and which he at times left with great reluctance. Sometimes I was directed to refer the customer to a foreign gentleman who sat demurely at a desk in a corner, engaged in filling up foreign bills of exchange. In leaving unnoticed much that the house did, I may mention that it soon got into an extensive credit; for Flutter, who was a man of extremely good looks and dress, kept two of the best looking and most expensive female companions in Twenty-third Street, while Prig had a stud of seven horses, not one of which could be beat at Harlem; and these qualifications were excellent passports into the credit of the banking world of Wall Street. In truth, Flutter would frequently say, that the very hue and circumstance of their establishment was such as to make an impression upon, and secure the confidence of, the most flinty hearted banker; and as love of show was the malady of the nation, you must make the plaster to suit.

"Pickle was engaged most of the time in outdoor operations, and left to Prig and Flutter the sole management of the exchanges. And both being extremely generous men, and fast enough for any thing, they soon made a large circle of friends, whose paper they were ready to endorse out of sheer love. I had money enough for all my wants, and began to think myself the happiest of men. It was also deemed advisable, and for the advantage of the house, that I should go to board at the Astor. So, rubbing out the old score, I left my humble lodgings at Mrs. Pickle's, and returned to my old quarters, where, on seeing the quality of my pocket, I soon got in high favor with the landlord, and gave dinners to my friends. We went on swimmingly for nearly a year, and the Young American Banking House of Pickle, Prig, Flutter, & Co., it got rumored on the street, had been wonderfully prosperous. I sent my wife, Polly Potter, enough to live like a lady, and all the village began to say she was an excellent person, and our children played with the children of the best of them. One day, a short time after we had been drawing no end of bills, and selling largely of foreign exchange, there came back upon us such a large amount of returned paper as completely drove Flutter out of sight, while Prig said he held it advisable not to be seen at the counter. Twenty-four hours passed, and he also was not to be found. Poor Pickle got nervous, and turned pale, and offered all the excuses his ingenuity could invent to save himself from a cage with bars. Curses came like thunder claps upon the head of the house, but it was all to no effect. We had no balance in the bank, and cursing money out of a dead banking house, it seemed to me, was as useless an occupation as trying to get goods out of the custom house without feeing an employ of that very accommodating asylum for idlers and rogues. The house thought it advisable to shut up, which it did by posting a notice to that effect upon the door. For myself, I felt like making my peace with my Maker, and enjoining him to send me some less perplexing mission; for the thing got into the newspapers, and we were held up to be a set of impostors, who deserved to be well hanged.

"And then Wall Street got into a strong frenzy, raised a cry of holy horror that such miscreants had been suffered to pollute the atmosphere of its righteousness; to preserve which its votaries were ready to call in all the bishops and priests of the land; though not a word was said of the many who had ransomed their backslidings with the tears of widows they had induced to invest in divers schemes. But to make the matter worse, it was found that Flutter, who was skilled in caligraphy, and could imitate the signatures of others to perfection, had raised a large amount of money on a species of collateral that proved to be worthless, though excellent as illustrating his skill in imitation. In truth, Flutter could manufacture first class paper with a degree of perfection rarely excelled. As neither Flutter nor Prig were to be found, and all attempts to solve the mystery of their ancestry proved futile, poor Pickle was arrested, called a miscreant, and all sorts of evil names; but was declared innocent by a jury of his peers, though his trial made a great noise, and there were enough unkind enough to say he ought to get twenty-one years in the penitentiary. Sly insinuations were also cast out about me; but they were coupled with so much courtesy, that as I had made nothing by the concern, I proceeded straight to the Astor, explained the state of my distress to the landlord, who indulged his disappointment with a few regrets, but at length said I ought to thank heaven it was no worse. He said he would wait for the little affair between us, hoping that fortune would so smile on me as to hasten the pay day. The Young American Banking House of Pickle, Prig, Flutter, & Co., being at an end, I held it prudent to give up my mission to Washington, (I had received news that my chances were slender,) and get quickly and quietly to my wife Polly, who at first thought I had come to take her and the family to live among the fine folks of New York, and was sorely grieved when the truth came out, but soon embraced me like a good wife. And together we lived as happily as could be desired, (I made calf brogans at twenty cents a pair,) until I went to the Mexican War, where, by my merit and bravery, I soon won my way to distinction."



CHAPTER XXXIV.

WHICH DESCRIBES SEVERAL STRANGE INCIDENTS THAT TOOK PLACE, AND MUST BE RECORDED, OR THE TRUTH OF THIS HISTORY MAY BE QUESTIONED.



THE major concluded his narrative, but forgot to mention, that when he returned home to his family, it was as plain Major Roger Potter-a change he considered due to discretion, for the villagers were extremely inquisitive, and might inquire by what process he was made a general. And, as his military honor never failed him, so was it brought into excellent use in gaining an advantage over the landlord of the Astor.

The night was now far advanced, and as we were about retiring to bed, Barnum entered, and, after debating various subjects, the conversation turned upon the wonderful pig, Duncan. The major swore he would not part with him for his weight in gold, as he intended soon to place him under the care of Doctor Easley, who would so cultivate his knowledge of German and other languages, as to take the critics by surprise, and cause them to get up a controversy concerning his talents, which was a fashion with them. And, as neither Easley could be embarrassed with his charge, nor the charge be ashamed of his tutor, who contemplated himself the greatest living critic after Macaulay, he would prosecute his studies with every advantage to himself, since, when he was brought forward for public favor, Easley could not abandon his pupil, and, being well paid, would consider himself in duty bound to write divers panegyrics in his praise. But Barnum, who was as shrewd as the major, though, perhaps, not so great a knave, persisted that such a course of instruction, and with such a tutor, could not fail to prove a grave injury, since the pig's talents were valuable only because they were natural, and the more wonderful on that account. As to Easley, he was but a dilapidated priest, much given to such tricks as were common with them, and, being employed by numerous publishers, who held him in high esteem as a critic, thought it no harm to write profound essays on the very trashy books of very sentimental school girls of sixteen. Barnum continued in this strain until he convinced the major that it would not be safe to place so gifted an animal under instructions to so capricious a critic as Easley, who would surely damage his morals, as well as his manners.

He also declared that his dealings in monstrosities had got him into numerous difficulties with editors and savans, which caused him to contemplate giving it up, though he well knew the public appetite for such things had not lessened a whit. And though the state of his affairs were somewhat chronic, he thought, if he could get another first class monstrosity, he could create an excitement that would make his fortune, and send New York mad. He had thought of getting up a clever imitation of the devil, which he was sure the public would all rush to see, and had undertaken the enterprise, but that he feared the editors would pick some flaw in him; for, though he had made them a mermaid, and a wooly horse, they still complained of his skill, and said he was not fit, when his friends suggested him for President of the United States.

I finally witnessed an agreement between this wonderful man and the major, by which the latter was to engage Duncan to the former at ten dollars a night, for ten nights, the engagement then to expire, and be open to further negotiations, according to the degree of favor then established between the animal and the public. And, as an evidence of his faith in the pig's talent, Barnum declared the first wonderful feat he intended to perfect him in, was that of sitting in state and presiding over primary meetings; and no man of sound sense would say he had not talent enough for the office.

When, then, the bargain was completed, and the major had given an order for the safe delivery of the pig into the hands of the loquacious showman, he touched him on the arm, and said, with an air of much sympathy, "Remember, sir, my affection for this animal makes it not the easiest thing in the world for me to part with him. And he was a great favorite with my wife Polly, who was so much attached to him that she shed no few tears at his departure. Pray see well to his behavior; and, as I take you for as good a Christian gentleman as any of them, I would have you remember that he was brought up in the care of the clergy, and can cut pranks enough if you let him have his way, though, from what I have seen, I should judge he had no love for the vulgar politics they delight to meddle with. Another favor I have to ask is this-that you will not whisper the ownership, lest the matter between us get to the ears of the editors, who would make much of it to the damage of my reputation as a politician. There is, also," he continued, in a whisper, "a little affair or two outstanding, which might make it extremely inconvenient."

No sooner had the showman taken his departure, than three distinguished generals entered, saying they had come to pay their respects to a fellow in arms, whom it was the pleasure of the city to honor. Each approached him with great gravity of manner, and, after shaking him warmly by the hand, presented him with sundry congratulations in what are called neat and appropriate speeches. To which the major replied, thanking heaven that with clean hands and various gifts of the head, he had served his country like a man; and, as his mission was not yet filled, he hoped (if the devil interposed no obstacles) yet to render his country a service such as historians would write of. He now bade them be seated, and ordered an abundance of good wine, of which they partook without objection, and were soon as merry a set of fellows as ever bivouacked; for in truth they readily discovered the mental deficiencies of the major, and, to make up for the deception of which they were made victims by the newspapers, resolved to enjoy the diversion afforded them by the quaintness of the major, who, though he had never put foot in Mexico, at once inquired of them the brigade they belonged to, and what service they had seen in that country. The spokesman of the party, whose bearing bespoke him a man acquainted with arms, and who was as great a wag as Tim Bobbin, immediately answered by saying that they were in the hottest of the battles of Palo Alto, Resaca de la Palma, Metamoras, and Buena Vista. And not to say too much of their bravery, he might mention that they were within smell of the gunpowder that stormed the heights of Cerro Gordo. Indeed, they were in so many battles, and bore away so many scars, that it was impossible to remember them all.

"Faith, gentlemen, that is exactly the case with me," interrupted the major, "for I was in so many, that if I had the memory of a Sampson I could not keep them all at my tongue's end, though I remember well enough what a buffeting we got at the storming of San Juan de Ulloa. As to the brigade I was in, that's neither here nor there; and whether it was the first or second will not be set down against a man when he is dead. But if you will have proof that I also was in the hottest of it, pray let your eyes not deceive you." Here the major gave his head a significant toss, and waddled across the floor to his wardrobe, from which he exultingly drew forth his military coat and three cornered hat. The former was indeed an ancient fabric, with which divers and sundry moths had made sad havoc, though he held it before the light and swore, by not less than three saints, the holes were all made by bullets. If either had doubted this evidence of his valor, he was ready to strip to the buff, and satisfy their eyes with the veritable scars. But they all declared themselves satisfied that he had given sufficient proof of his valor. Indeed, the odor that began to escape as he doffed his coat, in earnest of his sincerity, was by no means pleasant, and consequently hastened a favorable decision.

The major was more than ever elated that the affair should have taken such a pleasant turn, and bid them fill their glasses, which they were glad enough to do, with renewals at such short intervals that the major, who was not to be outdone in number of glasses, providing his patriotism was pledged in them, found himself in a state of mental configuration, for he saw ghosts and dead warriors by the dozen, all of which he would have sworn, in a court of law, were real flesh and blood. In fine, he capered about the room like a madman, feeling at his side for his sword, and swearing, by his military reputation, that he would think no more of killing them than he would so many Washington lobby agents.

Among these generals, there was a short, fat man, of the name of Benthornham, who, with the exception that he was less pumpkin bellied than the major, one might have supposed cast in the same mould, for he was squint eyed, and had a red nose, in size and shape very like a birch tree knot. Nor was he a whit behind the major in tipping his glass; and though there was a review on the following day, to which they had invited the major, out of sheer respect to his fame, there was sufficient cause to apprehend that this General Benthornham, (officer of the day though he was,) would not be sober enough to appear. However, as they all boarded at the St. Nicholas, one of the party suggested, that in order to pay becoming honor to so distinguished a major, they invite him to General Benthornham's room. And as the major never refused an invitation, especially when it came from persons distinguished in the profession in which he claimed to have won no small honors, he at once joined them, and proceeded to the room aforesaid, where brandy and champagne, in great abundance, were provided, and to which the major took with such renewed avidity, that they began to think his bowels vulcanized.

After they had plied him sufficiently with liquor, they insisted that he relate some of the wonderful exploits he had performed in war and politics, which he did, and with such an appearance of truth, that the two who had not so far drenched their senses with liquor as to be incapable of judging, whispered to themselves that he was not so much of a fool after all; in fact, that there was so much truth in what he said, that no man could doubt his being a real and not a sham hero of the Mexican War. "It does not become me to speak of myself, gentlemen," said the major, in conclusion, "but if there was a war in Mexico I was not in, it was not worth calling a war; and as for politics, why I have made twenty-eight speeches in a month, and you may learn of their quality by inquiring of the people of Barnstable, who used to praise them enough, God knows."

It being past midnight, the two sober generals withdrew, undecided as to the major's mental qualities, and left him with General Benthornham, whom he found no difficulty in soon talking into a profound sleep. And this the major, who was not so far gone as to forget what belonged to good manners, regarded as an indignity no really great military man could suffer to pass unresented. He thereupon mounted his three cornered hat and stalked out of the room, in the hope of finding his own and going quietly to bed. But such was the labyrinth of passages, that he lost his way, and mistook for his own the bedroom of a fellow boarder, which was natural enough considering the state of his optics. And though it was an hour when every honest husband should be dividing his bed with his better half, and all suspicions set at rest with the lock on the door fast secured, the major found no difficulty in entering this room, which he did with as little ceremony as he would drive his tin wagon. But no sooner had he begun to doff his wardrobe, than a figure quite resembling a ghost, with a pale, round face, and two eyes of great luster, flamed in the crimped border of a very white nightcap, rose up in the bed, and with an air of bewilderment, said, "Charles, my dear, here it is almost morning, and you are but just home. O, Charles!"

"Please, my good woman," spoke the major, pausing, and looking surprised at the strange object he fancied in his bed, "you might find better business than this. You must know, I am a man of family, and have a wife, which is enough for any honest man. So if you will just take yourself away like an honest woman, as I would have every one of your sex, I will say no more, for I have heard of these tricks, and am not ready to be robbed of my character."

The figure now gave sundry screams, which echoed and reechoed along the passages, and brought not only the watchmen of the house, but a dozen or more boarders, all in their night dresses, and nearly frightened out of their wits, to the scene of distress. Several courageous ladies, with threatening gestures, ventured to say he ought to be well hanged, (the good for nothing fellow!) for attempting such liberties at that hour. Others said military men were all alike.

"Hi! hi! what's here to do?" exclaimed the head watchman, a burly fellow of forty, as he made his way through a barricade of night gowns. "Come, sir, you must take yourself away from here. You have insulted the lady; have intruded yourself where you have no right; and if you get not away before her husband comes, he will cut you to bits." ("He is a Georgian, and would rather have his wife dead than another man make free with her," whispered a bystander, as the watchman admonished the major by taking him by the arm.)

The major, however, stood with his nether garments in his hands, like one bewildered, muttering, as his eyes blinked in the bright gas light, which one of the courageous females had ignited: "I would have you know, ladies, that I am known for my gallantry, and am a man who would share his meal any day with a lone female. And if you will give me peace by taking this lady away, I will forgive her, and beseech heaven to do the same. I may tell you that I am Major Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter; but I say this not of myself, for I take it you know me well enough."

The distressed female now stood erect in her night robes, screeching at the top of her voice, for she believed a madman had entered her room, and went straight into a fit of hysterics, while the watchman and numerous of the female bystanders gathered around the major, and would have torn him to pieces, but for a clergyman, who suddenly made his appearance, in his shirt and spectacles, and commenced reading them a lesson on the qualities of mercy.

But while the parson and one of the bystanders were offering all sorts of apologies for the major, which were having their effect on the females, who, on discovering the nature of the accident, enjoyed the joke exceedingly, the husband of the lady, being informed of what had occurred by one of the waiters, who knew the truant's haunts at any hour, came rushing into the room, and without waiting for an explanation, set upon the major with the fury of a goaded tiger, and when he had belabored him with a cudgel until they all declared there was not life enough in him to last till day light, drew a knife, and had despatched him on the spot, but for General Benthornham, who, being called upon to quell the outbreak, had armed himself with his sword, and came toddling into the room in his shirt and night cap, his soppy face and red nose made scarlet with excitement, and presenting so sorry a figure that the courageous females scampered away to their rooms, and covered their blushes with the sheets.