"I have them in my power, Tickler," replied the general, giving his head a significant toss; "and if they keep not peace between themselves then I will order them all hanged. And as the rules of the service must not be broken, I will take good care that they show me that deference due to my high position. What is more, friend Tickler, you shall be judge in all these matters, which is an honor of no mean quality; and which is here conferred upon you out of respect to your great learning." Mr. Tickler shook his head, and stroked his beard, despondingly. "It is well enough to be judge, your excellency; but as I have a fear the honors you seem so free to lavish upon me would not keep house well with my poverty, I would prefer first to have that relieved. Do not forget that our man has fed us on stolen provisions for these three weeks," replied Mr. Tickler. An end was put to this dialogue by the general reminding Mr. Tickler that men of great learning ought always to be patriots, since history furnished proofs enough of their great endurance under poverty.

On the following day, the general mounted his faithful horse, and with Mr. Tickler on his mule, proceeded to review his army of vagabonds. And though he complimented them on the great perfection of their drill, and bid them esteem themselves the heroes of no end of victories, they were in truth as awkward a set of fellows as ever shouldered musket, in short, not one of them knew how to take the first move in forming a section, though they could rob hen roosts and banana fields with a facility truly remarkable. And now, as the noon-day sun was oppressive enough to dissolve all their brains, the general ordered his second in command, one Absolam Broadbottom, to say to the army that he would march at nightfall. And when nightfall came, the army commenced its march, and was followed by the general, who cut such a shabby figure, when surrounded by his staff, that the whole army was ready to dissolve with laughter. In short the Commander-in-Chief afforded them an amount of amusement that quite compensated for the loss of hen-roosts. As a truthful historian I must not forget to mention that the general, like a good and discreet warrior, kept at a respectful distance in the rear, ordering at the same time that the country in advance be well scoured, lest some lurking portion of the enemy's army come upon them by surprise, doing serious damage before he could get his army in trim for making them dance again.

When they had travelled many miles, displaying great courage under all sorts of trials, the general suddenly discovered that he had lost his secretary, which sad misfortune he began to bewail in right good earnest. "I would have you know, Broadbottom," said he, addressing his second in command, "that the success of our undertaking will be hazarded without him, for he is a man of great learning."

"Umph!" returned Broadbottom, "if victories are to be gained only by your men of great learning, our country will have little to boast of in that line. It is now midnight, and I would suggest a halt for the night."

The general replied that the suggestion was an excellent one, and bid him act upon it. "You must know sir," said he, "that it is so many years since I have had aught to do with an army, that my memory needs much refreshing on these small matters." He also ordered Broadbottom to detach a file of men and send them in search of his secretary, which order was forthwith executed, to the great delight of those composing it, who instead of troubling themselves about the secretary, were resolved on spending the night at a ranch where dancing was to be had.

And now when all was quiet; when the general, having seen his horse comfortably provided for; when not even a vulture was heard croaking his hopes of a banquet on some dead hero; and when the great and all powerful Potter was sleeping quietly in his camp, the whole army was thrown into a state of great confusion by various voices calling out that they had come upon the enemy, who was forming for battle. The alarm soon found the whole camp out in its shirt, ready to give as good as sent, though report had it that the force of the enemy was prodigious. Another moment and Broadbottom, panting for breath, came rushing into the commander's camp, crying at the very top of his voice: "General! general! for heavens sake get up and take command of the army, for the enemy is advancing rapidly upon us, and there will be one of the bloodiest battles!" A clash of arms was now heard outside, which confirmed what he said, and also sent a thrill of terror to the heart of the great Potter, whose stock of courage was as suddenly snuffed out. Loud reports of musketry followed the clash of arms, and then night was made terrible with divers other piercing cries common to battles of the most sanguinary character.

Feeling in his heart that it would not do for so great a general to let his army know that even an ounce of his courage had left him, he gave a turn in the sheets and was out of bed in a jiffy. He then got into his breeches, but not without some delay, occasioned, I am sorry to say, by divers snakes having invaded the camp and coiled themselves peaceably away in the nether parts. And this, added to the time lost in finding his sword, with which he swore he would trip the toes of all who came in his way, had well-nigh incurred the most fatal consequences. "Minutes are hours, general," spoke Broadbottom, addressing the commander; "and the slightest delay may play the very devil with the glory of our arms, and put an end to the noble enterprise we are engaged in." Hearing this from his second in command, the general quickened his motions and, buckling on his sword, ran out in his night-cap, but without either coat or boots. Indeed, I here assert that history, so far as I have read, affords no instance of one so famous in war as the great Potter proceeding to take command of his army in so strange a uniform. "Now, to my horse!" he exclaimed, "for I take it no man can command an army unless he be mounted." Broadbottom, who was a stalwarth Mississippian, and withal as great a wag as could be found in that state of wags, affected great concern lest the battle be lost for want of speedy action on the part of the commander-in-chief. And as misfortunes will come upon us during the most trying moments, so was it found on reaching old Battle that he had been suddenly seized with a cholic, and indeed was giving out so many proofs of his illness that his master was unable to withhold his tears. In short, so strong was the affection General Potter bore his horse that, being a man of great compassion, he was in no condition to fight a terrible battle. Still the noise of battle without warned him how much his presence was needed on the field. "Heavens! general," said he, wiping the tears from his eyes, "get you to the field without a moment's delay, sink all scientific rules, attack the enemy in front and rear, and when you have shown him that you care neither for him or the devil, turn his flank, which will throw him into confusion and give us a victory. Take the fighting of this great battle to yourself, for I see you are a man of wonderful capacity. And if you give the enemy a right good drubbing, depend upon it I will make the glory all your own, for it shall be recorded in more than one newspaper. It will not do to leave my poor horse in this condition." Broadbottom left the general shedding tears for his horse, and proceeded to carry out the orders of his superior, the extraordinary result of which will be found in the next chapter.



CHAPTER LIV.

WHICH TREATS OF VARIOUS CURIOUS THINGS THAT OCCURRED WHEN THE RESULT OF THE GREAT BATTLE OF THE BANANA HILLS WAS ANNOUNCED TO THE COMMANDER.



MORNING dawned as the clash of battle ceased, and victory was proclaimed by the vagabond army. And although General Potter had been biting his thumbs in fear of the result, this news so restored his courage that he mounted his three-cornered hat and declared nothing would deter him in future from commanding in person and making splinters of the enemy with his own sword.

"General!" exclaimed Broadbottom, as he came rushing into the camp, "the success of our arms is complete; yes, the god of war has smiled, and we have gained a great victory over the enemy-"

"Truly, general," interrupted the commander-in-chief, "you deserve well. But this I can tell you,-there is nothing like one man infusing his strength into another, which it was my good luck to do when directing you how to fight this battle, which, heaven be blest, has crowned our arms with glory."

"Aye," replied Broadbottom, with a smile, "I understand this well; but if you could have commanded in person, much blood and many valuable lives had been spared."

"That I am fully conscious of," rejoined the commander; "but when men have prodigies to perform, two heads, if I have read right, are better than one. But my horse is now restored to his usual good condition, which, thank heaven, will afford me an opportunity of displaying my valor in the next great battle. Give me, then, an account of the dead and wounded; as also what you have done with the prisoners." Broadbottom was not slow in performing this service, and gave the commander such a wonderful account of the number of the enemy they had killed that he stood surprised and confounded. "As for the commander," spoke Broadbottom, "he was shot from his horse and borne from the field by his staff; but not until he had dropped a purse of gold, which I have brought you as a trophy." And with an air of great courtesy he placed the purse, which contained some twenty doubloons, in the hands of the commander, who made him a return of his thanks for such rare faithfulness. "As for the dead," resumed Broadbottom, "we have buried them in the Banana Hills, from which this great battle must take its name. And as you are well read in philosophy, you will, I am sure, confess that we took the most certain method in disposing of the wounded; for there were some forty, and we hung every one of them."

"Truly, sir, I see you are a Christian gentleman, as well as a soldier; and I have no doubt you were moved to this kind act by a knowledge that it would be inhuman to prolong the agonies of these unfortunate men-"

"You have hit it exactly, general!" interrupted Broadbottom.

"And I am not so sure but that you would have rendered heaven a service in hanging all the prisoners, for he who dies in battle, they say, has an extra claim to the better kingdom that is promised us."

"I have no doubt you are right as far as your ethics go, general; but deeming it more becoming the comity of war, we set them all at liberty, and it would have made your heart dance to see how they took to their heels." An end was put to this dialogue by the commander inviting his generals to breakfast with him, in order, as he said, that he might have an opportunity of complimenting them for their valor, and also of hearing from their own lips an account of the wonderful exploits each had performed,-all of which were proceeded with to his entire satisfaction.

When breakfast was over General Potter mounted old Battle, who was not a whit the worse for his cholic, and reviewed his troops. And though they were sadly deficient in raiment, and altogether presented a most shattered appearance, he declared that never had he in all his experience seen an army look so soldier-like. But this compliment the vagabonds set down for too good a joke to be lost, and, notwithstanding the gravity preserved by their generals, were well-nigh splitting their sides with laughter.

"Now, Broadbottom," said he, when they returned to the camp, "as the guard sent in pursuit of my secretary have returned without getting any tidings of him, and a report of this great battle is imperatively necessary, pray tell me if you have a gentleman who can perform such service?" Broadbottom thereupon informed his commander that there was on the staff one General Stoneheart, a gentleman of much learning, and as good an editor as ever abused his neighbors. "And he is skilled in making such reports," said he, "for I can swear of my own knowledge, general, that he will do the thing exactly to your liking. And withal, he is correspondent of more than one New York newspaper, and has a secret for making victories of the most signal defeats." Stoneheart, a small, ill-clad, shrimp-looking man, was immediately summoned, and appeared before the commander, who interrogated him as to his capacity. All his answers being satisfactory, he was at once set to work preparing the reports, which I venture to assert were never excelled for glowing descriptions of the many prodigies performed in one battle, and which, it is scarce necessary for me to add here, made New York dance with delight when they appeared. "If you have a love for latin," said General Stoneheart to his chief, "I can give them a huge quantity of it." And this so satisfied the great Potter of his being a gentleman exactly suited to the service he required, that he gave no further thought to the subject, but merely concluded by telling him to rub in the latin while the ink lasted.

When, then, the reports were ready he dispatched them with a special bearer; to whose care he also intrusted the purse of gold taken from the enemy, with directions that it be delivered into the hands of his wife Polly, as a proof of the success of the business he was engaged in. He also wrote a letter, stating that he was now at the head of one of the most valiant armies, and would of a certainty soon have kingdoms enough in his possession; which news she might circulate among the neighbors.

And now, having fully described this great battle, I beg the reader will not take it seriously to heart, for in truth it was all a joke practised upon the commander by this Broadbottom, who arranged the whole affair. Nor will I longer keep him in doubt respecting the purse of gold, which was nothing less than the plunder brought in by a scouting party, who having fallen in with a train of poor natives on their way to Buzabub to buy provisions, had robbed them of their all.

Having made these explanations, I will say of General Potter, that, feeling in his heart that no man was more truly brave, night again found him proceeding with his army towards Nezub, which he reached on the dawn of the fourth day, having marched undaunted through deserts and solitudes, and endured privations that would have made such shabby warriors as Pillow shake in his shoes. But although the general would have it that the mission of his army was to reform the nation, nothing but devastation followed in its wake.

Don Perez Goneti came out to meet General Potter, and escorted him to the head-quarters of his army, which, though composed of only two hundred rebels, he declared to be the most valiant men it had ever been his good fortune to know. The general found this army encamped within two miles of Nezub, and notwithstanding the enemy had wisely kept himself confined to his strongholds, their domestic quarrels had afforded them the means of activity necessary to the good condition of such armies. As for the king and the priests, they were daily seen from Goneti's camp, bestirring themselves in the perfection of an army of extermination. And now that these two wonderful armies had met, the allied generals betook themselves to the exchange of courtesies, presentations, and speechmaking. In fine, it seemed as if there was to be a never-ending strain of compliments lavished by each other, for the benefit of the world in general, and for themselves in particular. And while all these ceremonies were being performed to the great delight of the recipient heroes, "the forces" were left to revel to their hearts' content. Honestly, so intent were they on gratifying their inclinations that they quite forgot the enemy and continued plundering the poor natives until neither a chicken was to be seen in their yards nor a banana in their fields.

Thus, for days and even weeks were these reforming armies left to riot at will. One night as Don Perez Goneti was entertaining General Potter at a grand banquet, a lieutenant entered the camp, and with a confused air said: "May it please the commander, as officer of the guard sent to reconnoitre the enemy's position, I have to report, that we penetrated within a few yards of a small chapel in the outskirts of the town. A faint light glimmered from one of the windows, which bespoke mischief within. As the enemy had no outposts we approached to the very window, and looking in discovered eleven priests, plotting no good, I can assure you, for we overheard them discussing an attack to be made upon us to-morrow at daybreak. And after praying devoutly for the success of their undertaking, and saying their beads no end of times, it was resolved that when they had gained the battle to hang us all to the nearest trees, commending our souls to heaven and our bodies to the vultures. And this I heard with my own ears, and can tell you that it is impossible to conceive how nicely these good men had arranged our overthrow." Before the speaker was finished, the eleven priests, their hands bound with cords, their heads bent, and their countenances wearing an air of deep melancholy, were marched into the camp under a guard of soldiers. "And we surprised them, and have brought them here, prisoners of war;" concluded the officer, making a bow as he withdrew.

The downcast and forlorn appearance of these holy men was indeed enough to have enlisted sympathy in their behalf. An end was thus put to the banquet, and Don Perez Goneti inquired of the prisoners, in a peremptory manner, what they had to say for themselves. One more aged than the rest, held up his head, and answered that as it was their mission to do good on earth and pay reverence to the Great Master, so also would they remain true to their king; nor would they crave mercy, since "God protected the right." It must here be mentioned that the two commanders formed themselves into a court, and sat in judgment upon these holy men; while the rest cared not a whit if the devil got the priests. "You confess then that you have been guilty of conspiracy," spoke Don Perez Goneti, "which means that you have merited the halter, which I order you at daylight in the morning; and may the devil take care of you until then, so get to your beads." The guards now marched them away in solemn procession. No sooner had they disappeared, when General Potter, who had at first commended this sentence, turned to his compatriot, and with an air of much anxiety, said: "Pray do not let it be said that I question the justice of your judgment, but I would have you take heed how you hang priests, for being invested with a holiness the unrighteous cannot understand, I am told they have revengeful spirits, which will come back, and not only come back and haunt us wherever we go, but so direct the fates against us as to seal our downfall."

"Aye, and there you are right," rejoined Goneti, "for to my own knowledge, the king of Tutack ordered a priest hung, and his spirit came back and so haunted the kingdom, that it has not prospered since."

"You see then that I have looked well into the thing, and offer you sound logic;" resumed the ready Potter. "Hear me, sir! for I have a better punishment in my head. Spare these holy men the hanging, and let each be mounted on an ass, so that his robes cover the animal's hinder parts. And when you have them thus conditioned, let it be ordered that they ride three hours during the day, for not less than ten days, making a circle in the plaza, and offering up such prayers as our souls may stand in need of." This so delighted Don Goneti that he marvelled at the breadth of his compatriot's intellect, and not only set him down for a man of prodigious resources, but at once fell in with his opinion, forthwith issuing an order that it be carried out to the letter, as will appear in the next chapter.



CHAPTER LV.

WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE PRIESTS BORE THE PUNISHMENT; AND ALSO A DESCRIPTION OF THE EVER-MEMORABLE BATTLE OF THE MIRACLE.



WITH great reverence be it said of the priests, that they did penance, mounted after the style ordered in the foregoing chapter, for many days and with such fortitude as gained them the good will of many of their enemies in war. "The height of our perfection in grace," said one of the priests, as his ass went the round of the circle, "may be measured by the ease with which we can humble ourselves. And while we are chanting to these filthy fellows, let us not despair, but commend ourselves to heaven, praying that it will so ordain that our country be soon rid of this scourge; for though these fellows make promises enough with their lips, their hearts are full of treachery."

"Heaven help me!" exclaimed another, "for I am not accustomed to this punishment, and bear it with a tribulation I would thank heaven to be relieved from." In short, though they bore the punishment with remarkable fortitude, these ring performances were in no very high favor with them. Itching then for a chance to escape, and taking advantage of a moment one day when the "allied forces" (generals included,) were fast asleep, they clapped heels to their asses, and coursing down the road at full speed, were soon safe within the town, where high-mass was offered up for their deliverance, though not a word was lisped concerning the asses, which they wisely kept as an offset to their sufferings. And now when the allied generals awoke from their slumbers, and found the priests gone, they took it grievously to heart; for while they could ill afford to lose the asses, the priests would be sure to give the enemy such information as would be of great advantage to him.

A day passed and both armies were seen preparing for battle. But as neither had the smallest piece of artillery, and but a shabby display of cavalry mounted on lean asses, General Potter consoled himself that a victory could be gained without any great display of generalship: in short that, being commander in chief, it was only necessary for him to retire to a safe distance, where, like the famous Persian warrior, he could look serenely on while the armies battered each other to their heart's content.

It was early one bright morning then that a report spread through the allied camp, announcing the near approach of the enemy. True enough, the army was distinctly seen, advancing at a rapid pace, the King at its head, mounted on a mule, and surrounded by at least a score of priests mounted on lean asses. And so numerous was the King's army that the very hills around Nezub seemed black with moving figures. Seeing how matters stood the allied generals quickly mounted their steeds; and equally quick was the army in order and impatient for battle. And when the enemy had advanced near enough to let his teeth be seen, he halted. It was now evident that both army's were weighing the terrible consequences that were to result from this great battle, for they stood for some time making grimaces at each other, very like New York aldermen. Then sundry horns began to sound, and drums to beat. And this, strange as it may seem to those of my readers who may have admired the general good qualities of this singularly faithful animal, so disturbed old Battle's equanimity that he made several attempts to bring his master to the ground: indeed he became so fractious that the general again found it necessary to resign the honor of fighting this great battle to Don Perez Goneti, since the management of his horse was quite enough for the head of any one general. The reserve of the Kaloramas now appeared in the distance, emerging from every conceivable point, and sending up such yells as would have sent terror to the heart of anything but a vagabond army. And while the reserves shouted in the distance, the line opened fire upon the allied army, the generals of which were giving out such a confusion of orders as would have bewildered the most experienced soldiers. Not a hair did the vagabond army budge, but returned the enemy's fire with such vigor that his whole line was speedily in disorder. Charges and retreats were now kept up with wonderful spirit on the part of the vagabonds, though not a single dead body ornamented the field, which was saying no little, considering that this great battle was to decide the fate of a kingdom. And when I inform the reader that cries, groans, and piercing imprecations mingled with the clash of arms, and gave the conflict an air of ferocity it would be impossible to describe, the kindly feature of its result, which I am about to describe, will appear the more astounding.

Notwithstanding Commander Potter kept at a safe distance from the bullets, his horse, Battle, took it into his head to play him a very shabby trick, and which my love for the truth of history constrains me to record. Wonderful then as it may seem to those experienced in war, this little prank of the faithful steed ended the term of his own life and, as if by a miracle, gave the victory to the allies. And it was done in this manner. A bountiful providence, as if foreseeing the sanguinary character of the struggle that was to take place on this spot, had provided it with a quag-mire of considerable depth, and so covered its surface with soft, green moss, as to conceal its real character. It was on the margin of this mire then that General Potter took up his position; and just in the very hottest of the battle, a bee chanced that way in search of flowers, and lighting just under old Battle's tail, so goaded him with its sting that he sprang forward, and then halted with such a sudden motion as to vault the general over his head, and into the mire, his head and three-cornered hat only remaining above the surface. Having served his master this shabby trick, old Battle took to his heels, and dashing down the enemy's lines, sent such a thrill of terror to the hearts of the superstitious Kaloramas as made them scamper for dear life. In truth they fancied him the pale horse of the devil, so often described to them by the priests. Dashing onward with increased speed and wildness, the bewildered animal ran with great force upon the King's mule, prostrating animal and rider dead upon the ground, and, in sorrow and tears do I record it, breaking his own neck. Thus was the interposition of providence displayed in all its bounties, and an end put to a battle which, had it continued, there is no estimating the consequences. As it was, the King, old Battle, and the mule alone paid the penalty of their temerity, and lay dead upon the field. Thus ended the great battle of the Miracle.



CHAPTER LVI.

WHICH RELATES SEVERAL CURIOUS THINGS THAT TOOK PLACE AFTER THE GREAT BATTLE OF THE MIRACLE WAS DECIDED; AND ALSO HOW A GREAT QUARREL AROSE CONCERNING THE GOVERNMENT OF KALORAMA.



"FAITH, gentlemen," said Commander Potter, as with a long pole, his attendants drew him, besmeared with soft black mud, from the frog-pond, "though I know not how the battle goes, and am not a bit bruised in my person, I am much concerned for the damage to my uniform. My horse I freely forgive, for he is really a trusty animal. Go then and bring him to me, for though he served me this dirty trick, my heart will not let me forget his past goodness." And while a messenger was dispatched in search of the wayward steed, the general was got to his head-quarters, where a change of raiment so altered his appearance that when his generals came to announce the result of the battle scarce one of them recognised him until he spoke. In truth he was quietly stretched upon a bed, with nothing on but his breeches, shirt, and night cap. But when they announced to him the manner in which this great victory was won, he sprang to his feet, and giving vent to his ecstacy, declared it nothing less than a miracle. "Faith of my mother!" he exclaimed, placing his hands to his belly and tossing his head, "now I know that my horse Battle was preserved to me for a great purpose."

"Aye sir, it is wise of you to say so," replied Broadbottom, taking him gravely by the hand, "but it is my melancholy duty to inform you that the poor animal is killed. But it may afford you consolation to know that he first killed the King and his mule." This sad news so affected the general that he could with difficulty restrain his tears. Indeed the words choaked in his throat for several minutes, and he seemed completely overcome with melancholy. "You must remember, general," replied Goneti, with a flourish of his sword, "that it is to this animal we owe the success of our arms."

"I am delighted with this excellent account of my horse," said the Commander, with regained cheerfulness. "It is true, an accident I need not describe here, deprived you of the great service I had intended to bestow upon this battle. If, however, it was by my horse, then by all all the rules of war, I am entitled to a large share of the honor. It was a miracle performed by him, gentlemen; and viewing it in that light, I am consoled for his death, and so peace be with him."

Broadbottom now stepped forward, in his uniform, and, with a twinkle of mischief in his eye, replied: "Our Commander has it exactly. And if it please him, we will have this battle called the Battle of the Miracle!"

"Faith, general," rejoined Commander Potter, "you have hit my way of thinking, exactly. Let Stoneheart appear, and I will instruct him how to record this great victory in the New York newspapers, so that the whole union be made to dance with joy when it appears." Stoneheart was not long in appearing before his Commander, who at once complimented him, though in truth he was in no very sober mood, on his great proficiency at making the greatest victories ever won by mortal valor. And although it was said of this Stoneheart that he was nowhere to be found during the hottest of the fight, he was not a whit less than a general in his own eyes. Having been enjoined what to say by his commander, this good man and valiant soldier betook himself to the preparation of these grandiloquent articles. As for the commander, he busied himself writing ponderous dispatches to Glenmoregain, who, satisfied that he had a perfect pearl of a Commander, as well as the kingdom of Kalorama safe between his thumbs, forthwith ordered the building of seven more steamships, since it was no small matter for a great merchant to go about with two or three kingdoms in his pockets, and not have a navy to protect them. In truth it must be confessed that Glenmoregain, although an excellent gentlemen and worthy citizen, was exceedingly loose in his discretion. Perhaps, however, it is charitable to say that a less credulous gentleman might have yielded to his enthusiasm under the same circumstances, for Commander Potter declared by the saints that not only had he been in the flame and fire of every fight, but killed with his own arm not less than six of the enemy's best generals, whose heads he would send him by the next mail.

And now the allies having vanquished the poor Kaloramas, and put the priests to flight, betook themselves to rioting, and were so elated at gaining the victory, that they entirely forgot to take possession of Nezub, and indeed spent three whole days in such pleasant amusements as hanging the peasantry in the neighborhood, and pillaging such things as henroosts and beehives. And this strange apathy on the part of the allies afforded the poor Nezubians an excellent opportunity for burying their king decently; after which they vacated their humble homes, with no few sighs and regrets. In truth many was the heart that beat in sorrow as it passed some familiar object, and the eye that moistened with tears as it turned to look back upon those rude cabins wherein was stored all the recollections of childhood.

The generals having come to their senses on the fourth day, formed their army, and suddenly remembering that it would be in accordance with the usages of war to demand a capitulation, dispatched an officer with a flag of truce. But on entering the town he found it deserted, even to the dogs; while the priests, as if to leave traces of their mission along the lonely streets, had planted them with crosses. This state of things being reported, Commander Potter, for want of his favorite horse, mounted a well-starved mule, and placing himself at the head of his army, entered the town amidst the blowing of horns and beating of drums, which fully satisfied him that no greater, or more fortunate commander ever lived. But the army had not been in possession of the town more than an hour when a great quarrel arose between Commander Potter and Don Perez Goneti, touching the right to rule the kingdom. Both proceeded to take possession of the king's palace; both asserted their claims in language and demeanor unbecoming soldiers; and each ordered his followers to hang the other without judge or jury. And when they were about putting an end to this dispute with their drawn swords, (having given the army an incentive to disorder,) Stoneheart interposed for peace, proposing that they both consider themselves sovereigns until such time as a board of generals could be called to settle the question.

I ought to mention that Don Perez Goneti asserted his claim on the ground of having first conceived the project of getting the kingdom out of the king's fingers. Further, he bid the great Potter bear in mind that he was invited into the country, merely as an auxiliary to the carrying out of a great undertaking. But this only served to increase Commander Potter's temerity, for he asserted with great force that every victory yet won was due to the army sent him by the New York gentleman, for whom he was to get the kingdom, to say nothing of what his horse had done. Like sensible gentlemen, becoming weary of the quarrel, they partook of a punch, went quietly to bed, and left this great question to be settled among their generals. But unfortunately their generals were not of a turn of mind to agree on anything; and after spending nine days in angry discussion, concluded with calling one another such names as-"robber," "ruffian," "coward." In fact each general had such a longing for the crown, and fancied himself possessed of such a rare talent for governing, that neither coaxing nor beseeching could have brought them to an agreement on this matter of the crown. And this was to be regretted, seeing that the priests were mustering the Kalorama army, and indeed giving various other proofs of their itching to recover the kingdom.

And now, when disorder seemed at its highest pitch, the allied army, with commendable good sense, and without paying the slightest heed to the quarrels of its generals, proclaimed General Roger Sherman Potter ruler over all Kalorama; and this was out of sheer respect to his humor, for the army held it good to be ruled over by a gentleman who could afford soldiers so much diversion.

Be it known then that General Potter accepted this manifestation of popular favor, as homage paid to his great military skill, and having called his soldiers together, he made then a speech, in which he made promises to their satisfaction, declaring that he was more than a match for the duties of the office. "And now, gentlemen soldiers," he concluded, "since you have made me ruler over this kingdom, you shall see that I am not fresh in the business. I would have you recollect, also, that the man who seeks my overthrow must not take it amiss if he find himself dangling to a tree: it is enough for rulers to rule; and for what follows, let citizens look to their own doors." Whereupon there was great clapping of hands, and indeed such acclamations of joy as convinced General Potter that he was a ruler in every way worthy of their admiration.

After bidding his soldiers go and regale themselves wherever they could find wherewith to do it, (for as yet there was no plunder in the treasury,) the ruler had an account of this wonderful transformation of affairs forwarded to the newspapers, that it might be published to the world, which he knew in his heart felt a deep interest in all his movements. This done he set to work organizing his cabinet; but so jealous of Don Perez Goneti was he, that in order to be well rid of him he sent him (disguised in the garb of a priest) ambassador to Washington, where, he thanked heaven, the strangeness of his figure, as well as his extraordinary presumption, would be of great service in recommending him to our good natured president.

Feeling the kingdom safe in his palm, he called the members of his cabinet together, and addressed them in the following manner: "Although I have no mitre on my head, gentlemen, I am no less ruler over this kingdom. And as I am a man who loves peace, pray put an end to your disputes on the spot; for I intend that prudence shall mark my reign. Mark what I say then: he who wrangles for the small offices of this nation, had better look to his reason. I challenge no man for his reputation, for a public servant had needs take care of the little he has got; but if you would find favor with the people, and prolong the glory of my reign, let your thoughts turn on how you can best serve them. And as the nation is without a treasury, I make no doubt you will preserve your integrity, which, heaven knows, is more than most men do. But of all things, lend not your ears to every man's whisper; for if you do the nation will suffer most where you least think. I would also have you moderate your longing for higher office; for it is a thing that brings much evil to the nation. Above all, be mindful how you give rein to your conceits, since it is come the fashion for men to say fine things of you to your face, and send you to the devil with their thoughts. As for myself, there shall be so good an understanding between me and my people that no man shall speak evil of my reign. Truly, gentlemen, I hold it a pleasant thing to die and know the people will say: 'Well, Roger Sherman Potter was a good ruler.' And now, let every man to his office."

With this model address, the like of which is not to be found in any history heretofore written, the great Potter dismissed his cabinet.

The members, on consulting among themselves, came to the very sensible conclusion that as their ruler had failed, in his address, to throw any light upon the services required of them, the nation was well enough; and if let alone would take care of itself. They therefore betook themselves to a small cabin built of palm-logs and clay, where they spent the day in carousing; while the great ruler contemplated the majesty of his position, and the army roamed over the country in search of plunder.

And now, having spent one whole day in the mighty task of governing a nation, he was overtaken with one of the most remarkable reverses, which not only changed the whole face of affairs but came within a hair of costing him his life; as well as discovering to him the fact that no really great ruler was sure of his throne, even for a day. And this wonderful event, with all its serious results, the reader will find faithfully recorded in the next chapter.



CHAPTER LVII.

TREATING OF HOW THE RULER WAS CARRIED OFF INTO CAPTIVITY ON A MULE, ACCOMPANIED BY DIVERS PRIESTS.



WHEN night was come, and disorder reigned throughout the camp of the allies; when both generals and men were making night jubilant with their carousing, a cry broke forth in Nezub that the town was surprised by the enemy. A scene of the wildest confusion now ensued; midnight was made terrible by the howling of dogs, the beating of drums, the tramp of horses, and the clatter of fire-arms. Suddenly it was discovered that the town was in flames; and such was the terror excited in the hearts of the allied vagabonds that they took to their heels and scampered away like sensible men.

And here I am constrained to record, without the slightest disparagement to my ruler, that having drank three punches before he retired to bed, he was disturbed of his slumbers by seven priests, who came rushing into his chamber, and without so much as giving him time to put on his breeches, dragged him forth in his shirt, and having mounted him on a mule, hurried him out of town at full speed. "The fates have gone against me," said General Potter, musing to himself as he rode silently along on his mule, accompanied by the priests, similarly mounted, but not in their shirts. "But a few hours since, I was measuring the exact dimensions of my glory. Faith of my father! I felt the kingdom as safe between my fingers as need be; and here I am riding a mule for the diversion of these fellows in black gowns; which is an unparalleled discourtesy to a ruler of my standing." Turning to the priests, he addressed them thus: "As you are good and holy men, may I pray that you will respect my position as ruler of this kingdom. Nor do I think it becomes you to trifle thus with my dignity: therefore give me one of your gowns, for the curious figure I am cutting becomes neither of us. And as you owe a duty to heaven, give me raiment, and tell me whither you carry me." The priests made no answer, but whipping up their mules continued on their journey until they reached a grove of palm-trees, some four miles from Nezub, where they halted. And having lighted torches, which threw a curious glow over the foliage, and invested the scene with an air of deep solemnity, they put General Potter on his trial, preparatory to which he was ordered to sit upon the ground, while the most aged of the priests took a seat upon the trunk of a tree.

First, they inquired of him what he had to say touching their punishment in riding the asses in the plaza, which grievously wounded their feelings. "As to the asses, gentlemen," replied Ruler Potter, "they, I take it, are emblematic of penitence, which I am sure your reverences ought not be ashamed of, since if my memory serves me right, (and it is good enough to trust on such matter,) I have read somewhere in Scripture that the apostles rode asses, and were not ashamed."

"Aye," replied the venerable priests, "but that was so long ago, and bears so little resemblance to our case, that it will not serve as a precedent. Heading a band of vagrants in pursuit of plunder, you have overrun our country, caused the death of our good king, and made the priesthood to be scoffed at, which is a crime meriting death. Having set yourself up for a ruler adds no small injury to the insults you have already inflicted upon this kingdom; we therefore condemn you to death, and are resolved to see you hanged on one of these trees at six in the morning." The general essayed to speak in reply to this sentence, but the priests bid him hold his peace, and join them in preparing his soul for heaven. And forthwith they commenced chanting prayers over him; but as their prayers were in Latin, not one word could he understand. Instead, however, of bemoaning his fate, as the reader may be prepared to expect, the condemned betook himself to mourning the loss of his kingdom, and devising means to regain it. He was also not a little puzzled to know what road his graceless army had taken, for he knew in his heart, they would lose no time in getting safely out of the country. In truth he began to curse the day he took command of Glenmoregain's army; for though he might have been a good enough gentleman himself, and have a praiseworthy liking for kingdoms, his army was made up of arrant rascals, who treated their commander as if he were a fool, had no fear of the devil, and deserved hanging.

While then the priests were chanting prayers for his soul, his mind was also occupied with these lines: "The funeral train, with the ruler came, And passing slowly through the grove; Dropped tears of sorrow As honored they lay him in his lonely grave." Then the priests became oppressed for want of sleep; and in short were so overcome with the fatigue of their ride that, having tied their mules to trees, they stripped off their gowns, and, convinced in their own minds that the prisoner would not attempt to escape in his shirt, (or if he did, that his want of raiment was proof against any one taking him in), they stretched themselves down upon the ground, and were soon fast asleep.

Now, notwithstanding General Potter still fancied himself ruler over Kalorama, he felt that his head was quite as well on his own shoulders, for there was his wife Polly, and three children, who, for aught he knew to the contrary might stand much in need of a portion of his spoils, which as yet had been small indeed. He therefore got quietly up, and habiting himself in the hat and gown of a priest, mounted the fleetest mule of the lot, and reaching the high-road, in breathless anxiety, set out at full speed toward Jolliffee, confident that he would overtake or get some tidings of his straying army on the road. When he had got some three miles over the road, he turned in his saddle, listened with great caution, and said: "To the devil with you, Mister Priests, for General Potter owes you no thanks, and can take care of himself. See what it is to leave until morning a job you should have done at night!"



CHAPTER LVIII.

IN WHICH THE READER WILL FIND MUCH THAT IS CURIOUS AND INTERESTING.



WHEN morning came, and the priests were awakened by the singing of birds and the chattering of monkeys (as if in derision at their sloth), they no sooner discovered their great loss than they set to berating each another right soundly; not because they cared a whit for what evil the fellow could do, but that, having set their hearts on the hanging, it only grieved them to find that they had lost so excellent an opportunity of thus skilfully paying the scamp off for his tricks. "Let us preserve peace between us, for perhaps it is ordained of heaven!" said the venerable priest, with great solemnity of countenance. "And remember, brothers, we have made Jose Farino king, and have much need to join him, and lend him our aid in driving these vagabonds out of the country." Much debate was had on this question, which, however, resulted in an agreement to first pursue and recapture the condemned. So after they had refreshed themselves, and offered up prayer for the success of their undertaking, they mounted their mules and set off at full speed. But as is too often the case with them when over-anxious to get sinners to heaven, they forgot to look for the footprints, and galloped their mules in the wrong direction, and there we must leave them.

Being scrupulous of the character which my hero shall maintain for strict honesty, I here enjoin the reader to remember the circumstances under which General Roger Potter, ruler over all Kalorama, was constrained to commit a theft so small as that of the mule and the priest's gown. Life is sweet with the greatest heroes; and let no man question the means by which they seek to preserve it until he has felt the halter about his own neck.

Know then, that while the priests were pursuing their blind way, eager for a victim, the retreating ruler, being hungry and anxious, was entering the cabin of a poor peasant woman, having travelled some twenty miles on the road without stopping. No sooner did the poor woman see him than she fell upon her knees, crossed herself and began saying her beads. In short she paid reverence to him in so many ways that he became alarmed lest she go mad with joy; for being clad in the garb of a priest, and in his bare feet, she mistook him for one of those good and holy men who go over the country renouncing the vanities of the world, and setting an example to others by the terrible penance paid with the soles of their feet. And when she had paid him reverence to her satisfaction, she bid her children provide fodder for his mule, for she saw the animal was in a lather and seriously jaded. "Madam, I am General Roger Potter, ruler over this nation. Being in pursuit of my army, pray tell me if you have seen it straying this way;" spoke the general, with becoming courtesy. But as neither could understand a word the other said, matters became singularly confused, and to all the general's questions, the good woman would answer by placing her hands to her bosom, looking heavenward with appealing sweetness, and whispering: "Holy virgin!"

"Faith of my mother!" exclaimed the general, as he concealed the condition of his legs with the priest's gown, "I am not the person she takes me for-that's certain!" Soon she brought water and washed his feet, combed and perfumed his beard (which was excessively dirty), and indeed bestowed so many little kindnesses that his heart was moved, and he not only shed tears, but said within himself: "Honestly, it is better to have peace and comfort in a cabin like this (for the smiles of this good woman seem to have much of heaven in them), than to rule king over a nation, and live in a palace when there is no safety against being hanged. Truly, I begin to feel that my ambition has made me a great fool." In washing his feet, the good woman discovered the true condition of his raiment, though it was by the merest accident. The good man, she said within herself, has in his anxiety to do penance forgotten to arrange his robes. In the tenderest manner, then, she brought him the breeches and doublet of her dead husband, for whose soul she beseeched him to pray. The application of the garments he readily understood; but for the prayers, the good woman had to accept the will for the deed.

To afford his reverence an opportunity of arranging his clothes, the good woman proceeded to the garden and filled her basket with plantain for his breakfast. Much as the general stood in need of shoes, he sat himself down for a most fortunate gentleman in being able to procure even such raiment; for, said he, what a figure I would cut entering Jolliffee on a mule, and in the hat and gown of a priest. When, therefore, he had breakfasted on plantain and yams, to which a dish of coffee was added, he returned thanks to the good woman, and fearing the priests might be in pursuit of him, bid her an affectionate adieu, mounted his mule, and proceeded on his journey.

Travelling all day under a burning sun, he found the priest's hat of great service in protecting his brain, which otherwise would have dissolved. When night came he was more than six leagues from Jolliffee, and his mule being much jaded, and himself fatigued, he drew up by the road-side, in a grove of palms, beneath which a spring of crystal water gushed forth and rippled away over the pebbly bottom. The mule having quenched its thirst, the general seated himself beside the spring; and when he had refreshed himself on some crusts and water, gave himself up to contemplation. And the perfect stillness that pervaded the grove (for not a sound was heard, and even the mule seemed to have an instinctive knowledge of his master's musings, for he baited cautiously of the young grass) gave to his revery a melancholy turn. His forlorn condition; the many sudden and unforseen misfortunes that had come upon him; the narrow escapes for his life; the many times he had almost dangled at the limb of a tree; and the unnumbered batterings and bruisings he had got while displaying his "military valor"-all flashed across his mind, as if stretched upon a clearly defined panorama, and caused him to heave a deep sigh. What compensation had he got for all these sufferings, which were the result of his ambition? And the answer came to him with the suddenness of lightning-"Ruler over Kalorama, for a day." "Heaven be with me," he sighed; "for now my poverty is perfect. And who would envy my fate, here in a desert, without a friend, and in the raiment of a priest, which if I cast off I shall look like a clown, which will not do for the man who has ruled a kingdom. Therefore, I say, seeing that it is good to be an honest man, that if heaven spare me and get me safely out of this snare, I will go to my home, and there live so good a man that the neighbors shall say, Roger Potter is a Christian. Faith of my father, I begin to have a hate for these rogues of rulers, and would give a dozen kingdoms of the size of Kalorama to be safe beside my good wife Polly. And resolved am I to get to her, so heaven favor my inclinations, and let not death overtake me on the way. As for my employer, if he still persist in gratifying his love for getting kingdoms, why, he can get him another general, for there is no lack of them. Truly, I have had trials enough in his service, and if he say I have not killed enough of the enemy, I can tell him that the commander who can boast of his clean sword is your true hero. I confess, he sent me rascals enough to destroy the morals of a dozen kingdoms or more; but what matters that when I have not a dollar in my pocket to buy shoes to my feet; and even the paltry sum he promised has never seen the way to my pocket. I swear, then, to give up all these longings, and, though stripped of my coat, get speedily to my home, comfort my family, and live like a man."

The forlorn general was interrupted in these reveries by a rustling noise in the bushes. And fearing he might have been discovered by robbers (for he knew they infested that part of the country), he drew up his mule and was about to mount and be off. But a female voice suddenly struck up a song, which rang silvery through the grove, and in such sweet cadences that the very trees seemed enchanted. Pausing, the general stood as if bound in admiration, whilst the priest's gown dropped from his shoulders, unfortunately leaving him in his doublet and breeches. Looking in the direction of the music, he espied emerging from a cluster of bushes, and tripping gaily towards him, two young persons he would have sworn were lovers, for the man had his arm about the waist of the damsel, a girl just in the bud of womanhood, who looked lovingly into his face, as she sang for his entertainment. I may mention that she was of what novel-writers call medium size, with features exquisitely regular, eyes ravishingly black, and a deep olive complexion, which though charms enough for one, were enhanced by tresses of black, silky hair, that fell down below her waist.

The touching sweetness of the song cheered the general's heart, and was like a gleam of sunshine lighting up the dark and adverse events of his life. The singer and her companion suddenly stopped, and as the thrills of her song died away among the whispering branches, they stood gazing fixedly at the newly discovered object in the grove. As the man was not dressed in the garb common to the country, General Roger Potter resolved within himself not to give way to his fears, as perhaps he might be a soldier of his retreating army. While the lovers, on the other hand, were not a little puzzled as to the true character of the strange figure before them; for while he wore on his head the hat of a priest, his breeches and doublet were those of a mountebank. "Heavenly, stranger, if you be not an enemy, you can render me great service. And as I stand in much need of food and raiment, draw near that I may commend myself to you ;" spoke the general. And so perfect was the stillness of the grove that the words were distinctly echoed to the lovers. Indeed, the man was seen to express surprise and astonishment. But if he was astonished, the general stood confounded when he saw his arms fall from the damsel's waist, and heard the echo of these words, in return: "Heavens! if my ears do not deceive me, it is our general's voice."

"Aye, I am General Roger Potter, recently ruler over this kingdom," returned the general, in a trembling voice, for he was still more bewildered.

"And yet," rejoined he with the damsel, "it cannot be our general, for he is dressed in the garb of a clown; and may the devil get me if I think he would dress in that style, though it were to get him safe out of the country." Having said this, he was seen to leave the girl sitting upon the trunk of a tree, and to advance a few paces towards the figure in the strange dress. He then paused, and after a searching glance, quickened his pace, and then at the very top of his speed, ran into the other's arms, crying, "general! general! my good master, let our meeting here be set down for a miracle, for I have much need to ask your forgiveness."

"Faith of my father!" exclaimed the general, releasing his hold of the mule and embracing the stranger, "Tickler, my faithful secretary! is it you?

"Me, and nobody else!" rejoined the stranger, who was no less a person than the lost secretary. History affords no record of a greeting between a great general and his secretary half so enthusiastic as that which took place on this occasion. Both were nearly affected to tears; and so anxious were they to relate what had befallen them since they parted, that it seemed as if they could not wait another minute. In short, when one began to speak the other would interrupt, impatient lest he forget something of particular interest. Like sensible gentlemen, feeling that they were too much overcome by the meeting, they agreed to postpone the account of their exploits, and proceed at once to the house of Angelio's parents; for that was the name of the damsel who accompanied Tickler through the grove. "It is but half a league from this," said Tickler, "and as they are poor, but honest people, you will be welcome under their roof, and get such refreshment as I see you stand much in need of." Seeing this friendly meeting between her lover and the stranger, Angelio tripped lightly to where they stood, and with a smile of childlike innocence lighting up her sweet face, held out her hand in token of her friendship. And when the general had acknowledged this with his usual courtesy, she blushed, and shook her head, and placed her right hand to her heart, which was her mute but forcible reply, for not a word of the tongue in which he spoke could she understand.

"And now, general," spoke the critic, "let me lead the mule, and do you accompany Angelio, for I remember your gallantry." Just as this was bringing to life all that vanity for which the general has distinguished himself throughout this history, Mr. Tickler continued: "But pray, how comes it that your excellency is dressed in this strange garb?" Suddenly discovering the condition he was in, he picked up the gown, had it about him in a trice, and was for offering no end of apologies, which Tickler put an end to by assuring him, that although Angelio's blushes were all the results of innocence, she was by no means prudish. And now, having got himself safely rolled up in the priest's gown, the general gallantly proceeded with Angelio to her father's house, followed by the critic, leading the mule. And for what took place when they arrived at that humble abode, the reader is referred to the next chapter.



CHAPTER LIX.

WHICH RELATES A CURIOUS CONVERSATION THAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THEY REACHED THE HOUSE OF ANGELIO'S PARENTS.



As it would be impossible to describe, within the limits to which I am bound as writer of this history, the many curious things that took place when they reached the home of Angelio, I must content myself by stating that the general was cordially received by her aged parents, who set before him the best fare their humble condition afforded, such being the custom of the country. They also hastened to provide for his mule. In short, nothing was left undone that could in any way add to the comfort of man and beast; and though their cabin was built of logs and reeds, more perfect happiness was not to be found under any roof. When then, the general had refreshed himself, Angelio sung to him, brought him flowers, took his hand in her own, and so cheered his drooping spirits that he forthwith commenced, and gave Mr. Tickler an account of all that had befallen him since they parted, not even forgetting to mention the death of old Battle, and the wonderful exploit by which it was brought about; all of which has been truthfully recorded, and need not be repeated here. And when he was finished, he requested Mr. Tickler to give him an account of how he came to be so comfortably situated. "Honestly, your excellency," replied Mr. Tickler, "though it cannot be said of me that I have faults as a critic, I confess to have weaknesses which are strong in the nature, as it is called; and these weaknesses run to making love, which is a passion with me."

"Pray, sir," interrupted the general, with a nod, "remember that men of your profession cannot lay exclusive claim to this, for it is common to the soldier, and indeed the very best proof of his gallantry."

"That may be," resumed the critic, "I know but little of soldiering; though give me the pen and I can fight a good stroke. Seeing that you were bent on having a war, which I saw would result in no end of bloody battles. 'Orlando Tickler,' said I to myself, 'to them that likes with the war, and do you keep at a safe distance; for when swords are clashing there's no knowing one minute where a man's head may be the very next.' So while your excellency was surrounded by your generals, and had all your thoughts fixed on conquering the kingdom, I rode my mule into the very grove where we met, intending there to spend the night, proceed to Jolliffee in the morning, and seek my way home as best I could. In truth, I felt my poverty pinching, and I was hungry."

"Two human ills no amount of courage can overcome," rejoined the general, with a patronizing bow.

"It was midnight when I fell asleep, having quenched my thirst, at the spring; but the thought of home seriously disturbed my slumbers. However, as morning advanced, I got into a deep sleep, from which I awoke when the sun was up; and hearing the voice of Angelio, which floated soft and sweetly through the grove, as she sang a plaintive song, I fancied myself transported into a fairy land. Now, I must tell you that this innocent girl, as I am told by a priest, and know of myself, had a lover who died not long since, and was buried in this grove, at the foot of a palm-tree. And so strong was her affection for him, that she regularly paid her devotions at his grave. The hour chosen for giving this proof of her grief being early morning, she would pluck wild flowers, fresh with dew, and scatter them over his grave, which was all that heaven had spared to heal her wounded heart. She was on one of these errands of devotion, then, when we met. And here I must tell you, that notwithstanding my mule was gone, she was so surprised at seeing me, that to preserve her innocence she would have run terrified to her home, had it not been that I made such signs as convinced her I was no enemy. As her courage returned, I approached cautiously, and soon had the satisfaction to see her sit down upon the trunk of a fallen tree, where we met as hearts moved by true sympathy only can meet. As she spoke in Spanish, I could not understand a word she said; nor could she understand me; but as kindness begets kindness, it soon came to pass that our affections flowed in one stream; and though the gushing was rapid, it seemed as if the fountain would never dry.

"It may surprise you not a little that this was brought about so suddenly; but if your excellency was as well skilled in these love affairs as he is in directing a great battle, he would have no trouble in understanding it."

"Faith! and I have had some experience in these matters, as my wife Polly can tell you."

"Well," resumed Tickler, "I wiped the tears from her eyes, kissed and kissed her blushing cheeks; and, in truth, offered her so many proofs of my sincerity, that she returned it with three-fold interest. Then she led me to the cabin of her parents, who gave me a warm welcome, and have ever since strove to make my happiness complete. And now, to shorten the story, I will just tell your excellency, that having given such proofs of our affections as none could mistake, a priest was called in, and we were married on the very next morning. And as you will see that Angelio is possessed of charms no critic could possibly resist, I will say here, that from that hour nothing has occured to mar the bright stream of our love, except that Angelio still continues to strew the grave of her first lover with flowers."

"Upon my honor, as a soldier, sir, I never was more delighted in my life. And as the word of a critic is not to be doubted, I take what you say for truth, and am not surprised that you choose this delightful enjoyment in preference to mixing up in the affairs of war," spoke the general, as Mr. Tickler concluded his story. "But pray tell me, sir, have you no tidings of my army?" the general inquired, in a manner so confused as to show that his thoughts had been wandering to his military exploits. "Having lost my kingdom, it would be some relief to know which way my army has strayed."

"That I was going to speak of, but it escaped me. You must know, then, that a priest came in a few days ago, (and he is no liar!) and reported that 'these vagabonds,' meaning your excellency's army, were scattered all over the country, and were in a sad plight, many of them dying of hunger."

"Good enough for them!" replied the general, to Mr. Tickler's utter astonishment. "And if every general be not hanged before he gets out of the country, then you may set it down that the devil is on their side; for it was by their disorders I lost my kingdom."

"What! and has your excellency given up the command of his army?"

"Honestly, friend Tickler, though I have a rare talent for commanding, I would defy the devil to keep order in this army sent me by Glenmoregain. As for the kingdom, I resign that like an honorable man: and if this ambitious gentleman wants it still, let him employ another general, for I am resolved to get home where peace reigns, and I can go to bed without fear of being hanged in the morning. Yes, sir, I am resolved to wash my hands of all these vanities, and employ whatever means will carry me quickest out of the country."

"By the saints, general, it has never been my good fortune to hear you talk so sensible. And if you will just come into the garden you shall know more of my inclinations in this matter." They now sallied out into the garden and took seats beneath some pomegranate trees, the night being clear, and the moon shedding a bright light over the landscape. Feeling sure no one would overhear him, Mr. Tickler said to the general: "I would have you know, sir, that nothing would so grieve me as to break faith with my Angelio. But how can a man brought up to the excitements of New York life content himself in a desert, where there is neither opera nor balls to go to? And though my love for Angelio knows no bounds, there are damsels at home for whom I have a curious longing. Since, then, you are resolved to get out of the country, I will give it out that I am resolved to accompany you to Jolliffee, promising to return when I have seen you safe on your journey. And when we are there, seeing that it will be no difficult matter for Angelio to get another lover, I will keep your excellency company to New York."

"Honestly, friend Tickler," replied the general, "I see you are a great rogue, and no exception to your calling. Albeit, if you choose to leave so kind a damsel, and have no fear of her heart and your own reputation, why, so let it be." And now, scrupulously as I respect the high honor which rules among critics in general, my love for truth constrains me here to record, notwithstanding it may do serious damage to the literary reputation of this history, that this colloquy ended with arranging a plan by which Mr. Tickler was to betray Angelio, and leave her the wreck of a broken heart.

For three days, then, did General Potter enjoy the hospitalities of this humble cottage, Angelio cutting up the priest's gown and making it into raiment, which she saw he stood much in need of. She likewise busied herself in preparing food for their refreshment on the road, for the husband in whom she placed so much trust, and whose promise, as conveyed to her by the priest, she held as sacred, had discovered to her his intention to bear the general company as far as Jolliffee. Early on the following morning, then, having completed their arrangements, Mr. Tickler kissed and took a fond leave of his Angelio, mounted his mule, and left her, never to return. In another minute they were coursing down the road on their journey, Angelio and her parents offering up prayers for their safety.



CHAPTER LX.

THE LAST AND MOST CURIOUS CHAPTER IN "THIS EVENTFUL HISTORY."



MANY strange and unforeseen events have overtaken and seriously damaged the prospects of various great monarchs, and indeed nipped their career in the very bud. At least, so it is written in history. But I venture to assert, that never until the history of General Roger Sherman Potter was given to the world, could there be found any record of a great monarch who had ruled supreme over a kingdom, won battles such as mankind never had dreamed of, and indeed gained so much glory that every general in the nation was envious of it, escaping, on a mule, from the country he had conquered, and leaving his army to the devil and the enemy. Your exacting critic may say, there is Napoleon! But I would have him bear in mind, that while Napoleon sent terror to the very heart of nations, the presence of General Potter was a sign of feasting and merriment, which things are blessings, mankind stand much in need of.

But why do I thus give way to my giddy brain? Why, too, should I thus rudely abandon my hero when on his return to the land where he drew his first breath, carrying with him no less than a multitude of laurels? Nay! though my few remaining locks are silvered with the frosts of four-score winters, and my almost palsied hand refuses to render me further service, I will not thus leave him to his fate. Having been ruler over Kalorama, I am sensitive of his virtues, and would give the world rather than have him damage his reputation. To enter New York, then, with his glories yet moist upon his garments, and give himself up to the follies of those who follow the trade of setting up heroes, would be to consign himself to an oblivion no man need envy. Being of a humane turn, I am resolved this shall not be, though it were necessary to invoke the power of the saints to prevent it.

In resuming, then, I will merely mention that General Potter and the critic arrived safe at Jolliffee, the former feeling a regret now and then for the loss of his kingdom, and the latter scarcely giving a thought to his Angelio. And, as heaven favors the vanquished, so they found in the harbor of Jolliffe a brig, which had therein sought shelter from a storm. Taking advantage of this fortunate circumstance-for the brig was bound to New York-they sold their mules, and with the price nicely in their pockets, proceeded on board and demanded passage for charity's sake. And when they discovered what manner of men they were, the captain treated them with great consideration, and not only gave them of his best cheer, but was delighted at the chance of doing so kind an act as that of rescuing them from the clutches of the enemy and conveying them safely to their homes. He also shared his wardrobe with the general; but all his efforts to cheer his drooping spirits failed. The loss of his kingdom was no trifling matter; but the sufferings he had endured cured him of his ambition for worldly glories. And although the passage to New York was long and tedious, he would sit for hours, alone, and without exchanging a word with any one. Then again he would mutter to himself, "Worldly grandeurs-oh! what are they? God disposes all things! perhaps I did not deserve the kingdom; and so His will be done." Again he would sit gazing for hours at the stars, and sigh as if the cares of his forlorn heart were too heavy for him to bear.

I remember that once, during one of these reveries, he called Mr. Tickler to him, saying, "Remember, my trusty friend, I do not mourn the loss of this kingdom because I am weak at heart, but that it is natural for a man to reflect on his losses. All I now ask is that heaven will save me from a watery grave, and see me safe home to my wife Polly."

When they arrived at New York it turned out that divers newspapers had made great victories of all his reverses. And this so delighted his whole host of admirers that no sooner had the news of his return got noised about than they ran mad to meet him, discharged numerous cannons, and indeed made so many demonstrations of joy that the whole city was on tip-toe to see him, and not a few otherwise sensible persons would have exchanged all their worldly goods for even a thread of his garments. A committee of faded heroes and highly flushed aldermen rushed to the Battery to pay him homage, and would have had him drawn through the city by the lean horses I have before described. But unlike another great hero I have in my eye, he yielded to the promptings of his modesty, took leave of Mr. Tickler with tears in his eyes, and with a little bundle under his arm, landed and walked quietly away. In fine, (and with reverence do I record it here to his credit) he shook his head, and when the committee of honor pressed upon him and seemed resolved that he should undergo no few ceremonies, he turned and addressed them thus: "Let me to my peace, gentlemen, for I am no fool. And if you be good and honest men, disturb not the peace of the community in this manner, but get to your homes; and if you cannot comfort your families, give what you can to the poor, and heaven will forgive you for your follies." Indeed, so firmly was he resolved to wash his hands of the world that no force of argument could have induced him to call upon Glenmoregain, whom he felt in his heart would be grievously disappointed that he had not returned with his pockets stuffed full of kingdoms.

And now, at early dawn of a November morning, a short, fat man, in tight-fitting garments and the hat of a priest, might have been seen stepping from on board a small schooner just arrived at Barnstable. His face was covered with a thick, coarse beard, his countenance wore a dejected air, and his raiment, if the hat be excepted, was shabby enough for a professional mountebank out of business. A chilly wind and a drizzling rain filled the heavens with gloom; mist-clouds rolled over the land; a gray fog trailed lazily along the harbor; the scudding clouds vaulted along the heavens as if driven by the furies; and, indeed, the drenched earth was bespread with a pall of gloom.

The dejected man-for such he seemed-adjusted the little bundle under his arm, looked confusedly upon each object that met his eye, and then picked his way, shivering, over the muddy road into the outskirts of the town, which was yet in a sound sleep. He was soon wet to the skin, and the great rain-drops that fell from his broad-brimmed hat added to the forlornness of his condition. The ducks by the roadside ran to their ponds quacking as he approached; and even the geese seemed to pity his condition, for they awoke to gabble him out a salutation, and having shook their feathers, they would sail in the same direction, so long as there was water, and then take leave of him with a loud gabbling. But this homage brought him no consolation: indeed, the bleak earth seemed sending a deeper chill to his heart; and the brown leaf that hung twirling and dripping from the almost naked tree by the roadside, invested his feelings with a deeper melancholy, for in it he read the sorrows of a dead summer.

Halting at the door of a little house, the roof overgrown with black moss, the windows filled with rags, and poverty written upon every shingle, he stood for several seconds hesitating and shivering. Now he fixed his eyes upon the ground and seemed giving his thoughts to the music of the rain-drops; now he turned his eyes sorrowfully upward, as if contemplating the driving clouds. And while I assert that not even the most keen-eyed observer of human things would have detected in this forlorn sojourner a professional warrior returning from the scene of endless victories, and now out of business, the reader, I am sure, will not be surprised when I inform him that this drenched traveler was no less a person than General Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Roger Potter, the like of whose exploits modern history bears no record.

Having done ample penance in the storm, he shook the rain from his hat and knocked timidly at the door, to which he placed his ear and listened, as if counting with great exactness every second that intervened between its opening. Presently a little window at the side opened and a lean but well-browned face, framed in the grim border of a dusky night-cap, protruded. Then a sharp, shrill voice inquired, "Who's there?"

"Heaven be blessed, Polly, it is your husband Roger!" replied the traveler, as the words faltered in his chattering teeth. Exclamations of joy so various that they have entirely escaped the writer of this history, followed this glad announcement. Thrice the good woman invoked the blessings of the angels; and, in truth, so bent did she seem on going mad with joy, that it was not for several minutes that she bethought herself of opening the door. But when she did, not a second elapsed until they were in each other's arms, unburdening their affections in kisses and such other tokens of the deep seated love they bore each other, that for minutes, and even hours, it seemed impossible they could survive their joys, which I here confess (lest some critic set me down for a malicious writer,) ran into tears, such being the most pious proof of perfect happiness.

When, then, they had wiped away their tears of joy, and were more composed, the good woman, having bid Roger be seated, said, "A merciful providence, dear Roger, must have hovered over all your undertakings, or you could not have gained them kingdoms you described in your letter-"

"Umph!" returned Roger, hanging down and shaking his head, "the kingdoms would be well enough if they did not slip so easily through one's fingers. And what is more, dear Polly, I have come to know that there is only one kingdom an honest man need have a longing for, which is the Kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, I am resolved for the rest of my days to covet no other."

"But you talk strangely, husband; for I can vow of my own knowledge that you would not have conquered all them kingdoms without bringing home cart-loads of gold. We have had a terrible struggle for bread, dear husband!"

"You surprise me, Polly! did I not send you a purse full of doubloons not long since?"

"The one you sent it with must have mistaken the road, husband, for he has not showed his face here."

"Here's where the kingdoms pinch," muttered Roger to himself; while at the same moment a little boy unrolled himself from the covering of a bed on the floor, and crying "father! father!" ran to the general, threw his little arms about his neck, and kissed him, and fondled over him, like one whose love knew no bounds. And these caresses the father returned with great paternal tenderness; but he was too much dejected in spirit to offer the child those merry tokens of his attachment which had so often amused him in days gone-by.

"Though I have conquered kingdoms enough, Polly," said the general, his eyes moistening with tears, "I am none the better for them now. In truth, I have nothing but the clothes I stand in; and having resolved that it was best to be an honest man, I was glad enough to get safely home, and wash my hands of these kingdoms, which I have left behind for them who have a turn for such things."

"Indeed, husband, I will think no more of these riches you promised me, if you will stay quietly at home, assist me in getting an honest livelihood, and give your thoughts to God and the church. But how comes it that you are in the hat of a priest?"

The forlorn general picked up the hat, and having eyed it distrustfully, said in reply: "You must know, dear Polly, that though I gained some fame as a politician; that my valor as a military man no man ever dared doubt; and that no really great man ever had more undertakings; this hat is the only trophy left to me. And though my melancholy put a quick end to the rest of my days, I am resolved to preserve this relic of my lost kingdom, so that when my enemies scoff and say, "all the wonderful things that were written of him had no truth in them, except only as they appeared on paper, I can, pointing to this hat, say: 'here's the ducat!'"

"You are dearer to me than several kingdoms would be, dear Roger," resumed the honest woman, kissing him affectionately.

"And now, Polly," he rejoined, "give me an account of your trials and struggles during my absence, for I see care has written the history of many of them in your face."

The good woman immediately drew her chair beside him, and commenced giving an account of the many troubles and trials she had undergone; but so numerous were they, that it would be impossible to recount them all here. The little pictures which gave such a martial air to his home had been sold to get bread; death had kindly stepped in and relieved the mother of one daughter; the other was out at service. In short the forlornness pervading each object that met his eye, told how hard had been the struggle for bread. As she continued recounting her trials his grief deepened; but when she came to the death that had carried away his favorite child, his head dropped, and burying his face in his hands, he gave vent to his feelings in sobs and tears. "Heaven give me strength," he sighed, "that I may retain her sweet face in my memory." This was indeed a misfortune that seemed to shut the past from his thoughts, and to increase his sufferings as the future appeared to him in all its loneliness. And when he had partially recovered from this shock of grief, the good woman brought him food, for he was hungry; and also procured him a change of raiment from one of the neighbors, there not being a shred of his own in the house. And when he had satisfied his appetite, he turned to his wife, saying; "As these misfortunes which have overtaken me are incident to the lives of all great men, I hold it good policy that we mourn them not too long, but set to loving one another, that we may be cured of the sins of this world when death calls us away."

Polly at once fell in with this opinion; but being a sensible woman, was careful to add a clause stipulating that Roger give up politics and return to the making of shoes, at which employment there was some chance of getting food to maintain the body, without which there was no knowing what would become of the soul. His sword being in the possession of the priest, there was no immediate danger of a return of his military ardor. As for governing, he made up his mind that the most worthy man in that line was the shepherd who provided well for the lambs of his own flock. "For truly," said he, "I have gained the applause of millions; but it has not saved my family from want." And with these salutary resolutions, he sought and obtained employment in the town; where he lives much respected by his neighbors, who, I must add, were not a little disappointed that he returned so unexpectedly and shabbily, for they had read in the newspapers that he was a great ruler, which, however, was strange enough, for they knew in their own minds that he was dull of intellect, and in truth had a disordered brain.

Many years after his return he went about seemingly much dejected. Indeed, he would avoid even his best friends, and go straight into a melancholy mood if in a merry moment any one ever touched upon his past career, though I ought to mention that he rarely appeared in the street without being saluted by little Barnstable, who would gather about him, and persist in offering him that species of homage it was accustomed to pay him in years gone by. But even this failed to excite the slightest love of adventure in his bosom; and the star of his glory sank to rise no more.

And now, the stream of my compassion having run out, I have felt myself at liberty to desert many of the characters who figured so conspicuously in the early part of this history; and, indeed, to leave them in that state of glorious uncertainty for which critics have a perfect madness, since it furnishes their bountiful pens with means to show the greatness of their wisdom. But if any of these good natured gentlemen critics call me such names, as: "simpleton," "a fool and don't know it," "an idiot making an ass of himself," which exquisite expressions I have selected from the sayings of critics at this day, I would have them beware, since if I am old, my heart is none the less given to mischief, and I have a rare knack for cracking the pates of those who say aught disrespectful of my books.

THE END.