DCCXXVII.—A BLACK JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of the men with, "Well, Paddy, how are coals?"—"Black as ever," was the reply.

DCCXXVIII.—EPIGRAM.

"HE that will never look upon an ass, Must lock his door and break his looking-glass."

DCCXXIX.—EXAGGERATION.

A MAN was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. "I can discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower."—"I don't see it," answered, his comrade; "but I hear it running."

DCCXXX.—WINNING A LOSS.

A SWELL clerk from London, who was spending an evening in a country inn full of company, and feeling secure in the possession of most money, made the following offer. "I will drop money into a hat with any man in the room. The man who holds out the longest to have the whole and treat the company."—"I'll do it," said a farmer. The swell dropped in half a sovereign. The countryman followed with a sixpence. "Go on," said the swell. "I won't," said the farmer; "take the whole, and treat the company."

DCCXXXI.—ADVICE GRATIS.

ON the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of law than of fact, Lord Chief Justice Eldon observed, "Brother Vaughan, this is not quite fair; you wish the witness to give you, for nothing, what you would not give him under two guineas."

DCCXXXII.—SHORT COMMONS.

AT a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice: "Wanted, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family."

CCXXXIII.—LICENSED TO KILL.

WHEN an inferior actor at the Haymarket once took off David Garrick, Foote limped from the boxes to the green-room, and severely rated him for his impudence. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "you take him off every day, and why may not I?"—"Because," replied the satirist, "you are not qualified to kill game, and I am."

CXXXIV.—WILKES AND LIBERTY.

WHEN Wilkes was in France, and at Court, Madame Pompador addressed him thus: "You Englishmen are fine fellows; pray how far may a man go in his abuse of the Royal family among you?"—"I do not at present know," replied he, dryly, "but I am trying."

DCCXXXV.—A PAT REPLY.

LORD J. RUSSELL endeavored to persuade Lord Langdale to resign the permanent Mastership of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lord Chancellor, and paid the learned lord very high compliments on his talent and acquirements. "It is useless talking, my lord," said Langdale. "So long as I enjoy the Rolls, I care nothing for your butter."

DCCXXXVI.—LORD NORTH ASLEEP.

HIS Lordship was accustomed to sleep during the Parliamentary harangues of his adversaries, leaving Sir Grey Cooper to note down anything remarkable. During a debate on ship-building, some tedious speaker entered on an historical detail, in which, commencing with Noah's Ark, he traced the progress of the art regularly down-wards. When he came to build the Spanish Armada, Sir Grey inadvertently awoke the slumbering premier, who inquired at what era the honorable gentleman had arrived. Being answered, "We are now in the reign of Queen Elizabeth," "Dear Sir Grey," said he, "why not let me sleep a century or two more?"

DCCXXXVII.—RATHER SAUCY.

"YOU had better ask for manners than money," said a finely-dressed gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms.

"I asked for what I thought you had the most of," was the cutting reply.

DCCXXXVIII.—LONG STORY.

A LOQUACIOUS lady, ill of a complaint of forty years' standing, applied to Mr. Abernethy for advice, and had begun to describe its progress from the first, when Mr. A. interrupted her, saying he wanted to go into the next street, to see a patient; he begged the lady to inform him how long it would take her to tell her story. The answer was, twenty minutes. He asked her to proceed, and hoped she would endeavor to finish by the time he returned.

DCCXXXIX.—EUCLID REFUTED.

(A part is not equal to the whole.—Axiom.)

THIS is a vulgar error, as I'll prove, Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sherry; 'Tis plain one sixteenth part of Brougham's sense, Equals the whole possessed by L—d—d—y.

DCCXL.—BRED ON THE BOARDS.

WHEN Morris had the Haymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion, had reason to find fault with the strength, or rather, the want of strength, of the company. Morris expostulated, and said, "Why there's V——, he was bred on these boards!"—"He looks as though he'd been cut out of them," replied Jerrold.

DCCXLI.—ON THE DULNESS OF A DEBATE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.

NO wonder the debate fell dead 'Neath such a constant fire of lead.

DCCXLII.—PAINTING.

A NOBLEMAN who was a great amateur painter showed one of his performances to Turner. That great artist said to him, "My lord, you want nothing but poverty to become a very excellent painter."

DCCXLIII.—OLD AGE.

A VERY old man, who was commonly very dull and heavy, had now and then intervals of gayety: some person observed, "he resembles an old castle which is sometimes visited by spirits."

DCCXLIV.—AN EFFORT OF MEMORY.

"WOULD you think it?" said A. to B. "Mr. Roscius has taken a week to study a Prologue which I wrote in a day."—"His memory is evidently not so good as yours," replied B.

DCCXLV.—A READY RECKONER.

A MAN entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank off, and pushing the loaf towards the shopkeeper, was departing, when demand of payment was made for the whiskey.

"Sure, and haven't I given ye the loaf for the whiskey?"

"Well, but you did not pay for the loaf, you know."

"Thrue, and why should I? don't you see, I didn't take the loaf, man alive?" And away he quietly walked, leaving the worthy dealer lost in a brown study.

DCCXLVI.—A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.

MR. HAWKINS, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a Brougham, and this word he pronounced, according to its orthography, Brough-am.

"If my learned friend will adopt the usual designation, and call the carriage a Bro'am, it will save the time of the court," said Lord Campbell, with a smile.

Mr. Hawkins bowed and accepted his Lordship's pronunciation of the word during the remainder of his speech. When Lord Campbell proceeded to sum up the evidence, he had to refer to the Omnibus which had damaged the Bro'am, and in doing so pronounced the word also, according to its orthography. "I beg your Lordship's pardon," said Mr. Hawkins, very respectfully; "but if your Lordship will use the common designation for such a vehicle, and call it a 'Buss—" The loud laughter which ensued, and in which his Lordship joined, prevented the conclusion of the sentence.

DCCXLVII.—TRUE POLITENESS.

SIR W.G., when governor of Williamsburg, returned the salute of a negro who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman present, "do you descend to salute a slave?"—"Why, yes," replied the governor; "I cannot suffer a man of his condition to exceed me in good manners."

DCCXLVIII.—A RAKE'S ECONOMY.

WITH cards and dice, and dress and friends, My savings are complete; I light the candle at both ends, And thus make both ends meet.

DCCXLIX.—EASILY SATISFIED.

A COWARDLY fellow having spoken impertinently to a gentleman, received a violent box of the ear. He demanded whether that was meant in earnest. "Yes, sir," replied the other, without hesitation. The coward turned away, saying, "I am glad of it, sir, for I do not like such jests."

DCCL.—PERT.

MACKLIN was once annoyed at Foote laughing and talking just as the former was about to begin a lecture. "Well, sir, you seem to be very merry there; but do you know what I am going to say now?" asked Macklin. "No, sir," said Foote, "pray, do you?"

DCCLI.—A ROYAL MUFF.

THE following anecdote was told with great glee at a dinner by William IV., then Duke of Clarence: "I was riding in the Park the other day, on the road between Teddington and Hampton-wick, when I was overtaken by a butcher's boy, on horseback, with a tray of meat under his arm.—'Nice pony that of yours, old gentleman,' said he.—'Pretty fair,' was my reply.—'Mine's a good 'un too,' rejoined he; 'and I'll trot you to Hampton-wick for a pot o' beer.' I declined the match; and the butcher's boy, as he stuck his single spur into his horse's side, exclaimed, with a look of contempt, 'I thought you were only a muff!'"

DCCLII.—A BROAD HINT.

AN eminent barrister having a case sent to him for an opinion—the case being outrageously preposterous—replied, in answer to the question, "Would an action lie?"—"Yes, if the witnesses would lie too, but not otherwise."

DCCLIII.—A TASTE OF MARRIAGE.

A GENTLEMAN described to Jerrold the bride of a mutual friend. "Why, he is six foot high, and she is the shortest woman I ever saw. What taste, eh?"

"Ay," Jerrold replied, "and only a taste!"

DCCLIV.—"THE LAST WAR."

MR. PITT, speaking in the House of Commons of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one in which we lost the colonies, called it "the last war." Several members cried out, "The last war but one." He took no notice; and soon after, repeating the mistake, he was interrupted by a general cry of "The last war but one,—the last war but one."—"I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, turning to the speaker, and raising his sonorous voice,—"I mean, sir, the last war that Britons would wish to remember." Whereupon the cry was instantly changed into an universal cheering, long and loud.

DCCLV.—THE PHILANTHROPIST.

JERROLD hated the cant of philanthropy, and writhed whenever he was called a philanthropist in print. On one occasion, when he found himself so described, he exclaimed, "Zounds, it tempts a man to kill a child, to get rid of the reputation."

DCCLVI.—TOO MUCH OF A BAD THING.

ENGLISH tourists in Ireland soon discover that the length of Irish miles constantly recurs to their observation; eleven Irish miles being equal to about fourteen English. A stranger one day complained of the barbarous condition of the road in a particular district; "True," said a native, "but if the quality of it be rather infairior, we give good measure of it, anyhow."

DCCLVII—BAD COMPANY.

AT the time that the bubble schemes were flourishing, in 1825, Mr. Abernethy met some friends who had risked large sums of money in one of those fraudulent speculations; they informed him that they were going to partake of a most sumptuous dinner, the expenses of which would be defrayed by the company. "If I am not very much deceived," replied he, "you will have nothing but bubble and squeak in a short time."

DCCLVIII.—EPIGRAM.

(On the King's double dealing.)

OF such a paradox as this, Before I never dreamt; The King of England has become, A subject of contempt!!!

DCCLIX.—PAINTING.

A GENTLEMAN seeing a fine painting representing a man playing on the lute, paid this high compliment to the artist. "When I look on that painting I think myself deaf."

DCCLX.—NIL NISI, ETC.

A GENTLEMAN calling for beer at another gentleman's table, finding it very bad, declined drinking it. "What!" said the master of the house, "don't you like the beer?"—"It is not to be found fault with," answered the other; "for one should never speak ill of the dead."

DCCLXI.—ODD FORESIGHT.

LADY MARGARET HERBERT asked somebody for a pretty pattern for a nightcap. "Well," said the person, "what signifies the pattern of a nightcap?"—"O! child," said she, "you know, in case of fire!"

DCCLXII.—"THEREBY HANGS," ETC.

A CERTAIN Irish judge, called the Hanging Judge, and who had never been known to shed a tear except when Macheath, in the "Beggar's Opera," got his reprieve, once said to Curran, "Pray, Mr. Curran, is that hung beef beside you? If it is, I will try it."—"If you try it, my lord," replied Curran, "it's sure to be hung."

DCCLXIII.—GENERAL WOLFE.

GENERAL WOLFE invited a Scotch officer to dine with him; the same day he was also invited by some brother officers. "You must excuse me," said he to them; "I am already engaged to Wolfe." A smart young ensign observed, he might as well have expressed himself with more respect, and said General Wolfe. "Sir," said the Scotch officer, with great promptitude, "we never say General Alexander, or General Caesar." Wolfe, who was within hearing, by a low bow to the Scotch officer, acknowledged the pleasure he felt at the high compliment.

DCCLXIV.—A QUESTION FOR THE PEERAGE.

AS the late Trades Unions, by way of a show, Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row, "I feel for the bridge," whispered Dick, with a shiver; "Thus tried by the mob, it may sink in the river." Quoth Tom, a crown lawyer: "Abandon your fears: As a bridge it can only be tried by its piers."

DCCLXV.—A NOISE FOR NOTHING.

WHEN Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in passing by the fire-place knocked down the plate-warmer, and made such a clatter as caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore, provoked by the accident, rebuked the man, and added, "I suppose you have broken all the plates?"—"No, sir," said the servant, "not one!"—"Not one!" exclaimed Sheridan, "then, hang it, sir, you have made all that noise for nothing!"

DCCLXVI.—SHORT MEASURE.

SOME one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, "A.S." A wag wrote underneath, "Two-thirds of the truth."

DCCLXVII.—DECANTING EXTRAORDINARY.

THEODORE HOOK once said to a man at whose table a publisher got very drunk, "Why, you appear to have emptied your wine-cellar into your book-seller."

DCCLXVIII.—A DILEMMA.

WHILST a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, "Now, beloved friends, I am in a great strait; for if I speak too softly, those at the farther end of the church cannot hear me; and if I talk too loud, I shall wake the chief man in the parish."

DCCLXIX.—HOW TO MAKE A MAN OF CONSEQUENCE.

A BROW austere, a circumspective eye, A frequent shrug of the os humeri, A nod significant, a stately gait, A blustering manner, and a tone of weight, A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare,— Adopt all these, as time and place will bear: Then rest assured that those of little sense Will deem you, sure, a man of consequence.

DCCLXX.—A CHEAP WATCH.

A SAILOR went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The watchmaker, after examining it, said, "It will be more expense repairing than its original cost."—"I don't mind that," said the tar; "I will even give you double the original cost, for I gave a fellow a blow on the head for it, and if you repair it, I will give you two."

DCCLXXI.—SCOTCH WUT.

A LAIRD riding past a high, steep bank, stopped opposite a hole in it, and said, "John, I saw a brock gang in there."—"Did ye," said John; "wull ye haud my horse, sir?"—"Certainly," said the laird, and away rushed John for a spade. After digging for half an hour, he came back, nigh speechless, to the laird, who had regarded him musingly. "I canna find him, sir," said John. "Deed," said the laird very coolly, "I wad ha' wondered if ye had, for it's ten years sin' I saw him gang in there."

DCCLXXII.—ATTENDING TO A WISH.

"I WISH you would pay a little attention, sir!" exclaimed a stage manager to a careless actor. "Well, sir, so I am paying as little as I can!" was the calm reply.

DCCLXXIII.—A MECHANICAL SURGEON.

A VALIANT sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a ship; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off his wooden supporter, so that he fell down. The seamen immediately called out for a surgeon. "Confound you all," said he, "no surgeon, no surgeon,—a carpenter! a carpenter!"

DCCLXXIV.—CANINE POETRY.

A PRETTY little dog had written on its collar the following distich:—

"This collar don't belong to you, sir, Pass on—or you may have one too, sir."

The same person might have been the proprietor of another dog, upon whose collar was inscribed:—

"I am Tom Draper's dog. Whose dog are you?"

DCCLXXV.—FOOTIANA.

FOOTE praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever been at Cork. "No, sir," replied Foote; "but I have seen many drawings of it."

DCCLXXVI.—NIGHT AND MORNING.

AN industrious tradesman having taken a new apprentice, awoke him at a very early hour on the first morning, by calling out that the family were sitting down to table. "Thank you," said the boy, as he turned over in the bed to adjust himself for a new nap; "thank you, I never eat anything during the night!"

DCCLXXVII.—FULL INSIDE.

CHARLES LAMB, one afternoon, in returning from a dinner-party, took his seat in a crowded omnibus, when a stout gentleman subsequently looked in and politely asked, "All full inside?"—"I don't know how it may be, sir, with the other passengers," answered Lamb, "but that last piece of oyster-pie did the business for me."

DCCLXXVIII.—A SHORT JOURNEY.

AN old clergyman one Sunday, at the close of the sermon, gave notice to the congregation that in the course of the week he expected to go on a mission to the heathen. One of his parishioners, in great agitation, exclaimed, "Why, my dear sir, you have never told us one word of this before; what shall we do?"—"O, brother," said the parson, "I don't expect to go out of this town."

DCCLXXIX.—A POSER BY LORD ELLENBOROUGH.

DURING the Chief-Justiceship of the late Lord Ellenborough there was a horse-cause, to which a certain Privy Councillor was a party, and who, as of right, took his seat upon the bench at the hearing, and there (while his adversary's counsel told his tale) ventured a whisper of remark to the Chief Justice. "If you again address me, Sir W——, I shall give you in custody of the Marshal." It was a settler for him, and, as it turned out, of his cause; for he lost it, and most justly too.

DCCLXXX.—EPIGRAM.

CRIES Sylvia to a Reverend Dean, "What reason can be given, Since marriage is a holy thing, That there are none in Heaven?"

"There are no women," he replied. She quick returns the jest,— "Women there are, but I'm afraid They cannot find a priest."

DCCLXXXI.—AN ARTISTIC TOUCH.

WHEN Moore was getting his portrait painted by Newton, Sydney Smith, who accompanied the poet, said to the artist, "Couldn't you contrive to throw into his face somewhat of a stronger expression of hostility to the Church Establishment?"

DCCLXXXII.—VALUE OF APPLAUSE.

SOME one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors, as it gave them confidence. "More," replied the actress; "it gives us breath."

DCCLXXXIII.—LITTLE TO GIVE.

A STINGY husband threw off the blame of the rudeness of his children in company, by saying that his wife always "Gives them their own way."—"Poor things!" was the prompt response, "it's all I have to give them."

DCCLXXXIV.—A GOOD SWIMMER.

A FOOLISH scholar having almost been drowned in his first attempt at swimming, vowed that he would never enter the water again until he was a complete master of the art.

[A similar story is told of a pedant by Hierocles.]

DCCLXXXV.—NO PRIDE.

A DENIZEN of the good city of St. Andrews, long desirous of being elected deacon of his craft, after many years of scheming and bowing, at last attained the acme of his ambition, and while the oaths of office were being administered to him, a number of waggish friends waited outside to "trot him out," but the sequel convinced them this was unnecessary. On emerging from the City Hall, with thumbs stuck in the armlets of his vest, with head erect, and solemn step, he approached his friends, lifting up his voice and saying, "Now, billies, supposing I'm a deacon, mind, I can be spoken to at ony time."

DCCLXXXVI.—LORD CLONMEL.

THE late Lord Clonmel, who never thought of demanding more than a shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it was a good one. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, and he used the following extraordinary precautions to avoid being imposed upon by taking a bad one: "You shall true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you touching this affidavit, so help you, &c. Is this a good shilling? Are the contents of this affidavit true? Is this your name and handwriting?"

DCCLXXXVII.—QUEER PARTNERS.

JERROLD, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. "As I live! there's a blue pill dancing with a black draught!" said Jerrold.

DCCLXXXVIII.—CORRUPTLY INCORRUPTIBLE.

CHARLES THE SECOND once said to Sidney, "Look me out a man that can't be corrupted: I have sent three treasurers to the North, and they have all turned thieves."—"Well, sire, I will recommend Mivert."—"Mivert!" exclaimed the king, "why, Mivert is a thief already."—"Therefore he cannot be corrupted, your majesty," answered Sidney.

DCCLXXXIX.—EPIGRAM ON THE MARRIAGE OF A VERY THIN COUPLE.

ST. PAUL has declared that, when persons, though twain, Are in wedlock united, one flesh they remain. But had he been by, when, like Pharaoh's kine pairing, Dr. Douglas, of Benet, espoused Miss Mainwaring, St. Peter, no doubt, would have altered his tone, And have said, "These two splinters shall now make one bone."

DCCXC.—GOOD AUTHORITY.

HORNE TOOKE, during his contest for Westminster, was thus addressed by a partisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. "Well, Mr. Tooke, you will have all the blackguards with you to-day."—"I am delighted to hear it, sir, and from such good authority."

DCCXCI.—LUXURIOUS SMOKING.

"THE most luxurious smoker I ever knew," says Mr. Paget, "was a young Transylvanian, who told me that his servant always inserted a lighted pipe into his mouth the first thing in the morning, and that he smoked it out before he awoke. 'It is so pleasant,' he observed, 'to have the proper taste restored to one's mouth before one is sensible even of its wants.'"

DCCXCII.—NO JUDGE.

A CERTAIN Judge having somewhat hastily delivered judgment in a particular case, a King's Counsel observed, in a tone loud enough to reach the bench, "Good heavens! every judgment of this court is a mere toss-up." "But heads seldom win," observed a learned barrister, sitting behind him.

DCCXCIII.—RELATIONS OF MANKIND.

BY what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected together! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support by groping at the bottom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a shell-fish, to decorate the throat of a London alderman's wife.—S.S.

DCCXCIV.—VERY TRUE.

SERJEANT MAYNARD, a famous lawyer in the days of the Stuarts, called law an "ars bablativa."

DCCXCV.—EPIGRAM.

(Accounting for the apostacy of ministers.)

THE Whigs, because they rat and change To Toryism, all must spurn; Yet in the fact there's nothing strange, That Wigs should twist, or curl, or turn.

DCCXCVI.—DRINKING ALONE.

THE author of the "Parson's Daughter," when surprised one evening in his arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have apologized, by saying, "When one is alone, the bottle does come round so often." On a similar occasion, Sir Hercules Langreish, on being asked, "Have you finished all that port (three bottles) without assistance?" answered, "No—not quite that—I had the assistance of a bottle of Madeira."

DCCXCVII.—A MUSICAL BLOW-UP.

THE Rev. Mr. B——, when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him very often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally employed his fingers in that office, thrusting the spoils into the sound-holes of his violoncello. A waggish friend of his popped a quantity of gunpowder into B——'s instrument. The tea equipage being removed, music became the order of the evening, and B—— dashed away at Vanhall's 47th. B—— came to a bar's rest, the candles were snuffed, and he thrust the ignited wick into the usual place—fit fragor, and bang went the fiddle to pieces.

DCCXCVIII.—READY-MADE WOOD PAVEMENT.

WHEN the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said:—

"Difficulties in the way! Absurd. They have only to put their heads together, and there is the wood pavement."

This joke has been erroneously given to Sydney Smith.

DCCXCIX.—PROPER DISTINCTION.

AN undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain D.D., then master of the college adjoining. He had not been there many minutes, when Dr. —— entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in no very courteous manner desired the young gentleman to walk out; which the undergraduate not doing (in the opinion of the doctor) in sufficient haste, Domine demanded, rather peremptorily, "whether he knew who he was?" at the same time informing the intruder he was Dr. ——. "That," replied the undergraduate, "is impossible; for Dr. —— is a gentleman, and you are a blackguard!"

DCCC.—GRACEFUL EXCUSE.

WILLIAM IV. seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to "take away that marine there," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your majesty!" inquired a colonel of marines, "do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our branch of the service?"—"Yes," replied the monarch, as if a sudden thought had struck him; "I mean to say it has done its duty once, and is ready to do it again."

DCCCI.—SLACK PAYMENT.

EXAMINING a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked, "Did he not give you the coals, friend?"—"He did, sir, but—"—"But what? On your oath, witness, wasn't your payment slack?"

DCCCII.—WAY OF USING BOOKS.

STERNE used to say, "The most accomplished way of using books is to serve them as some people do lords, learn their titles and then brag of their acquaintance."

DCCCIII.—PATRICK HENRY.

WHEN Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the American Revolution, introduced his celebrated resolution on the Stamp Act into the House of Burgesses of Virginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed, when descanting on the tyranny of the obnoxious Act, "Caesar had his Brutus; Charles I. his Cromwell; and George III...."—"Treason!" cried the speaker; "treason, treason!" echoed from every part of the house. It was one of those trying moments which are decisive of character. Henry faltered not for an instant; but rising to a loftier attitude, and fixing on the speaker an eye flashing with fire, continued, "may profit by their example. If this be treason, make the most of it."

DCCCIV.—ROGERS—POET AND SKIPPER.

ROGERS used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new publications must often do as the flea does—skip.

DCCCV.—OUR ENGLISH LOVE OF DINNERS.

"IF an earthquake were to engulf England to-morrow," said Jerrold, "the English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish, just to celebrate the event."

DCCCVI.—EPIGRAM.

WHEN by a jury one is tried, Twelve of his equals are implied; Then W—— might attempt in vain, This sacred privilege to obtain. Since human nature ne'er on earth Gave to twelve equal scoundrels birth.

DCCCVII.—REFORMATION.

JUDGE BURNET, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the Bishop in a very serious humor, "What is the matter with you, Tom?" said he, "what are you ruminating on?"—"A greater work than your lordship's History of the Reformation," answered the son. "Ay! what is that?" said the Bishop. "The reformation of myself, my lord," answered the son.

DCCCVIII.—THE JEST OF ANCESTRY.

LORD CHESTERFIELD placed among the portraits of his ancestors two old heads, inscribed Adam de Stanhope, and Eve de Stanhope: the ridicule is admirable.

Old Peter Leneve, the herald, who thought ridicule consisted in not being of an old family, made this epitaph for young Craggs, whose father had been a footman: Here lies the last who died before the first of his family! Old Craggs was one day getting into a coach with Arthur Moore, who had worn a livery too, when he turned about, and said, "Why, Arthur, I am always going to get up behind; are not you?"

The Gordons trace their name no farther back than the days of Alexander the Great, from Gordonia, a city of Macedon, which, they say, once formed part of Alexander's dominions, and, from thence, no doubt, the clan must have come!

DCCCIX.—EQUAL TO NOTHING.

ON being informed that the judges in the Court of Common Pleas had little or nothing to do, Bushe remarked, "Well, well, they're equal to it!"

DCCCX.—FAMILIARITY.

A WAITER named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as follows: "Sam, the waiter at the Cocoa-Tree, presents his compliments to the Prince of Wales," &c. His Royal Highness next day saw Sam, and after noticing the receiving of his note, and the freedom of the style, said, "Sam, this may be very well between you and me, but it will not do with the Norfolks and Arundels."

DCCCXI.—EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE.

AT Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle the matter. "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's ear. "I thank his lordship kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's no ill-convenience to him, I'll take a little warm ale!"

DCCCXII.—MAC READY TO CALL.

IN the time of Sir John Macpherson's Indian government, most of his staff consisted of Scotch gentlemen, whose names began with Mac. One of the aides-de-camp used to call the government-house Almack's, "For," said he, "if you stand in the middle of the court, and call Mac, you will have a head popped out of every window."

DCCCXIII.—EPIGRAM.

(On the oiled and perfumed ringlets of a certain Lord.)

OF miracles this is sans doute the most rare, I ever perceived, heard reported, or read; A man with abundance of scents in his hair, Without the least atom of sense in his head.

DCCCXIV.—LOOK-A-HEAD.

A TORY member declared the extent of the Reform Bill positively made the hair of members on his side the house to stand on end. On the ensuing elections, they will find the Bill to have a still greater effect on the state of the poll.

G. A'B.

DCCCXV.—THE BIRTH OF A PRINCE.

JERROLD was at a party when the Park guns announced the birth of a prince. "How they do powder these babies!" Jerrold exclaimed.

DCCCXVI.—SETTING HIM UP TO KNOCK HIM DOWN.

TOM MOORE, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies, inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, what it was they said of him. "Why, the taller one observed that she was delighted to have had the pleasure of seeing so famous a personage."—"Indeed!" said the gratified poet, "anything more?"—"Yes: she said she was the more pleased because she had taken in your celebrated 'Almanac' for the last five or six years!"

DCCCXVII.—BRIEF CORRESPONDENCE.

MRS. FOOTE, mother of Aristophanes, experienced the caprice of fortune nearly as much as her son. The following laconic letters passed between them: "Dear Sam, I am in prison."—Answer: "Dear mother, so am I."

DCCCXVIII.—MAN-TRAPS.

IT being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-guns, a gentleman once hit upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and being often asked the meaning of mysterious words compounded from the Greek, that appear in every day's newspaper, and finding they always excited wonder by their length and sound, he had painted on a board, and put up on his premises, in very large letters, the following: "Tondapamubomenos set up in these grounds." It was perfectly a "patent safety."

DCCCXIX.—A COLORABLE EXCUSE.

A LADY who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. "I can't tell, madam," he replied, "except you uncover your face."

DCCCXX.—CONSISTENCY.

NO wonder Tory landlords flout "Fixed Duty," for 'tis plain With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill Must go against the grain.

DCCCXXI.—A WONDERFUL CURE.

DOCTOR HILL, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused to admit him as an associate, resolved to avenge himself. At the time that Bishop Berkeley had issued his work on the marvellous virtues of tar-water, Hill addressed to their secretary a letter purporting to be from a country-surgeon, and reciting the particulars of a cure which he had effected. "A sailor," he wrote, "broke his leg, and applied to me for help. I bound together the broken portions, and washed them with the celebrated tar-water. Almost immediately the sailor felt the beneficial effects of this remedy, and it was not long before his leg was completely healed!" The letter was read, and discussed at the meetings of the Royal Society, and caused considerable difference of opinion. Papers were written for and against the tar-water and the restored leg, when a second letter arrived from the (pretended) country practitioner:—"In my last I omitted to mention that the broken limb of the sailor was a wooden leg!"

DCCCXXII.—AN ACCOMMODATING PHYSICIAN.

"IS there anything the matter with you?" said a physician to a person who had sent for him. "O dear, yes, I am ill all over, but I don't know what it is, and I have no particular pain nowhere," was the reply. "Very well," said the doctor, "I'll give you something to take away all that."

DCCCXXIII.—CHOICE SPIRITS.

AN eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whiskey on sale which was drunk by his late Majesty while in Dublin.

DCCCXXIV.—AN EXPLANATION.

YOUNG, the author of "Night Thoughts," paid a visit to Potter, son of Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through which Young had scrambled with some difficulty and danger. "Whose field was that I crossed?" asked Young, on reaching his friend. "Mine," said Potter. "True," replied the poet; "Potter's field to bury strangers in."

DCCCXXV.—IMPROMPTU BY R.B. SHERIDAN.

LORD ERSKINE having once asserted, in the presence of Lady Erskine and Mr. Sheridan, that a wife was only a tin canister tied to one's tail, Sheridan at once presented her these lines,—

Lord Erskine at woman presuming to rail, Calls a wife "a tin canister tied to one's tail;" And fair Lady Anne, while the subject he carries on, Seems hurt at his lordship's degrading comparison. But wherefore "degrading?" Considered aright, A canister's useful, and polished, and bright; And should dirt its original purity hide, 'Tis the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied.

DCCCXXVI.—LAW AND PHYSIC.

A LEARNED judge being asked the difference between law and equity courts, replied, "At common law you are done for at once: at equity, you are not so easily disposed of. One is prussic acid, and the other laudanum."

DCCCXXVII.—IMPROMPTU.

COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) BUSHE, being on one occasion asked which of a company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The prompter, sir, for I have heard the most and seen the least of him."

DCCCXXVIII.—NOTIONS OF HAPPINESS.

"WERE I but a king," said a country boy, "I would eat my fill of fat bacon, and swing upon a gate all day long."

DCCCXXIX.—A FORGETFUL MAN.

WHEN Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free. Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf; No wonder that he don't remember me; Why so? you see he has forgot himself.

DCCCXXX.—REPUTATION.

REPUTATION is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock.

DCCCXXXI.—AN UNFORTUNATE LOVER.

IT was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Hawkins did not marry Miss Blagrove; he was answered, "He couldn't master her, so he missed her."

DCCCXXXII.—EPIGRAM.

THE jolly members of a toping club Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub; And in a close confederacy link For nothing else, but only to hold drink.

DCCCXXXIII.—A BAD LOT.

THE household furniture of an English barrister, then recently deceased, was being sold, in a country town, when one neighbor remarked to another that the stock of goods and chattels appeared to be extremely scanty, considering the rank of the lawyer, their late owner. "It is so," was the reply; "but the fact is, he had very few causes, and therefore could not have many effects."

DCCCXXXIV.—FILIAL AFFECTION.

TWO ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out of the door, and exclaimed "Hurry, mother, and call her a thief before she calls you one."

DCCCXXXV.—LEG WIT.

ONE night Erskine was hastening out of the House of Commons, when he was stopped by a member going in, who accosted him, "Who's up, Erskine?"—"Windham," was the reply. "What's he on?"—"His legs," answered the wit.

DCCCXXXVI.—EPIGRAM ON DR. GLYNN'S BEAUTY.

"THIS morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed, Although he was hearty last night; 'Tis thought having seen Dr. Glynn in a dream, The poor fellow died of affright."

DCCCXXXVII.—A SINECURE.

ONE Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a place of all work; and his friends, who called to congratulate him, were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of the news. "A sinecure is it?" exclaimed Pat. "Sure I know what a sinecure is: it's a place where there's nothing to do, and they pay you by the piece."

DCCCXXXVIII.—A GOOD JAIL DELIVERY.

BROTHER DAVID DEWAR was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called upon to give his vote in the choice of a chaplain from the licentiates of the Established Kirk. The party who had gained the confidence of the Board had proved rather an indifferent preacher in a charge to which he had previously been appointed; and on David being asked to signify his assent to the choice of the Board, he said, "Weel, I've no objections to the man, for I understand he preached a kirk toom (empty) already, and if he be as successful in the jail, he'll maybe preach it vawcant as weel."

DCCCXXXIX.—WHERE IS THE AUDIENCE?

THE manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts, and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of, "Why, good gracious, where's the audience?"—"Sir," replied the prompter, without moving a muscle, "he is just now gone to get some beer." The manager wiped the perspiration from his brow and said, "Will he return do you think?"—"Most certainly; he expresses himself highly satisfied with the play, and applauded as one man."—"Then let business proceed," exclaimed the manager, proudly; and it did proceed.

DCCCXL.—KNOWING BEST.

"I WISH, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that you were St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let me in."—"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better for you that I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let you out."

DCCCXLI.—AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES.

THE late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy what was meant in the Catechism by succoring his father and mother. "Giving on 'em milk," was the prompt reply.

DCCCXLII.—PARLIAMENTARY REPRIMAND.

IN the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, with the utmost nonchalance he took out his handkerchief, and, wiping his knees, cooly observed, "that it was the dirtiest house he had ever been in in his life."

DCCCXLIII.—A STOP WATCH.

A GENTLEMAN missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with great coolness, that he should certainly recover it, having bought it of a friend who had introduced it to the particular acquaintance of every Pawnbroker within the Bills of Mortality.

DCCCXLIV.—SIR ANTHONY MALONE.

LORD MANSFIELD used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his profession, and so well skilled in the practice of conveyancing that no person ever entertained the least doubt of the validity of a title that had undergone his inspection; on which account he was generally applied to by men of property in transactions of this nature. It is, however, no less singular than true, that such was the carelessness and inattention of this great lawyer in matters of this sort that related to himself, that he made two bad bargains, for want only of the same attentive examination of the writings for which he was celebrated, in one of which he lost property to the amount of three thousand pounds a year. Disturbed by these losses, whenever for the future he had a mind to purchase an estate for himself, he gave the original writings to his principal clerk, who made a correct transcript of them; this transcript was then handed to Sir Anthony, and five guineas (his fee) along with it, which was regularly charged to him by the clerk. Sir Anthony then went over the deeds with his accustomed accuracy and discernment, and never after that was possessed of a bad title.

DCCCXLV.—THE ORATORS.

TO wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak; Is there a day that asses do not speak?

DCCCXLVI.—MODERN ACTING.

JERROLD was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey,

Jerrold.—"Cardinal Wolsey!—Linsey Wolsey!"

DCCCXLVII.—FEW FRIENDS.

A NOBLEMAN, extremely rich but a miser, stopping to change horses at Athlone, the carriage was surrounded by paupers, imploring alms, to whom he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the glass. A ragged old woman, going round to the other side of the carriage, bawled out, in the old peer's hearing, "Please you, my lord, just chuck one tin-penny out of your coach, and I'll answer it will trait all your friends in Athlone."

DCCCXLVIII.—DIFFIDENCE.

AN Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have heard the evidence?"

DCCCXLIX.—"ESSAY ON MAN."

AT ten, a child; at twenty, wild; At thirty, tame, if ever; At forty, wise; at fifty, rich; At sixty, good, or never!

DCCCL.—IN-DOOR RELIEF.

A MELTING sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a-weeping but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest, said, "O no, I belong to another parish."

DCCCLI.—HIGHLAND POLITENESS.

SIR WALTER SCOTT had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two proprietors which had amused him much. The laird of Kilspindie had met the laird of Tannachy-Tulloch, and the following compliments passed between them: "Ye're maist obedient hummil servant, Tannachy-Tulloch." To which the reply was, "Your nain man, Kilspindie."

DCCCLII.—AN ODD QUESTION.

COUNSELOR RUDD, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of whist, and the dingy color of his linen. "My dear Dick," said Curran to him one day, "you can't think how puzzled we are to know where you buy all your dirty shirts."

DCCCLIII.—NOT INSURED AGAINST FIRE.

FOOTE went to spend his Christmas with Mr. B——, when, the weather being very cold, and but bad fires, occasioned by a scarcity of wood in the house, Foote, on the third day after he went there, ordered his chaise, and was preparing to depart. Mr. B—— pressed him to stay. "No, no," says Foote; "was I to stay any longer, you would not let me have a leg to stand on; for there is so little wood in your house, that I am afraid one of your servants may light the fire with my right leg," which was his wooden one.

DCCCLIV.—NATURAL GRIEF.

ONE hiring a lodging said to the landlady, "I assure you, madam, I am so much liked that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears."—"Perhaps," said she, "you always went away without paying."

DCCCLV.—A PROVERB REVERSED.

EXAMPLE is better than precept they say, With our parson the maxim should run t'other way; For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches, We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches.

DCCCLVI.—A CLOSE ESCAPE.

ONE of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in the course of their first interview related the particulars of the most curious circumstance in his life. He was taken prisoner during the American war, along with three other officers of the same rank: one evening they were summoned into the presence of Washington, who announced to them that the conduct of their Government, in condemning one of his officers to death, as a rebel, compelled him to make reprisals; and that, much to his regret, he was under the necessity of requiring them to cast lots, without delay, to decide which of them should be hanged. They were then bowed out, and returned to their quarters. Four slips of paper were put into a hat, and the shortest was drawn by Captain Asgill, who exclaimed, "I knew how it would be; I never won so much as a hit at backgammon in my life." As Greville was selected to sit up with Captain Asgill, "And what," inquired Smith, "did you say to comfort him?"—"Why, I remember saying to him, when they left us, 'D—— it, old fellow, never mind!'" But it may be doubted (added Smith) whether he drew much comfort from the exhortation. Lady Asgill persuaded the French Minister to interpose, and the Captain was permitted to escape.

DCCCLVII.—A HARD HIT.

MAJOR B——, a great gambler, said to Foote, "Since I last saw you, I have lost an eye."—"I am sorry for it," said Foote, "pray at what game?"

DCCCLVIII.—THE TIME OUT OF JOINT.

SOME one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. "Why do you mention his spit?" said Jekyll; "you must know that nothing turns upon that." In reference to the same noble lord, Jekyll observed, "It was Lent all the year round in the kitchen, and Passion week in the parlor."

DCCCLIX.—MONEY'S WORTH.

A SOLDIER, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by writing his adventures. Having completed the manuscript, he offered it to a bookseller for forty pounds. It was a very small volume, and the bookseller was much surprised at his demand. "My good sir," replied the author, "as a soldier I have always resolved to sell my life as dearly as possible."

DCCCLX.—HIS WAY—OUT.

SIR RICHARD JEBB, the famous physician, who was very rough and harsh in his manner, once observed to a patient to whom he had been extremely rude, "Sir, it is my way."—"Then," returned his indignant patient, pointing to the door, "I beg you will make that your way!"

DCCCLXI.—A GROWL.

HE that's married once may be Pardoned his infirmity. He that marries twice is mad: But, if you can find a fool Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad,— Flog him, flog him back to school.

DCCCLXII.—A MODERN SCULPTOR.

BROWN and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, "Do you know that chap, Smith?" said Brown. "Yes, I know him; that is, I know of him,—he's a sculptor."—"Such a fellow as that a sculptor! surely you must be mistaken."—"He may not be the kind of one you mean, but I know that he chiselled a tailor—out of a suit of clothes last week."

DCCCLXIII.—A DIFFICULT TASK.

"YOU have only yourself to please," said a married friend to an old bachelor. "True," replied he, "but you cannot tell what a difficult task I find it."

DCCCLXIV.—THE GOUTY SHOE.

JAMES SMITH used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the library at a country-house, when a gentleman proposed a quiet stroll in the pleasure-grounds:—

"Stroll! why, don't you see my gouty shoe?"

"Yes, I see that plain enough, and I wish I'd brought one too; but they are all out now."

"Well, and what then?"

"What then? why, my dear fellow, you don't mean to say that you have really got the gout? I thought you had only put on that shoe to get off being shown over the improvements."

DCCCLXV.—A LUSUS NATURAE.

AN agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, "girls under twenty-one years of age," who should exhibit the best lots of butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That is all right," said an old maid, "save the insinuation that some girls are over twenty-one years of age."

DCCCLXVI.—A CASE OF NECESSITY.

A SHOPKEEPER, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, "Selling off! Must close on Saturday!" was asked by a friend, "What! are you selling off?"—"Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't they?"—"But you say, 'Must close on Saturday.'"—"To be sure; would you have me keep open on Sunday!"

DCCCLXVII.—SPECIES AND SPECIE.

IN preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished for their generosity, and the love of their species. The collection happened to be inferior to his expectation, and he said that he had evidently made a great mistake; for that his expression should have been, that they were distinguished for the love of their specie.

DCCCLXVIII.—DR. JOHNSON.

WHEN Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards married, he told her that he was of mean extraction; that he had no money; and that he had had an uncle hanged! The lady, by way of reducing herself to an equality with the Doctor, replied, that she had no more money than himself; and that, though she had not had a relation hanged, she had fifty who deserved hanging.

DCCCLXIX.—THE POET FOILED.

TO win the maid the poet tries, And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes, She likes a verse, but, cruel whim, She still appears a-verse to him.

DCCCLXX.—A COMEDIAN AND A LAWYER.

A FEW years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his "trouble," a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face, and exclaimed, with much self-complacency,—"Now, sir, I want you to tell this court and jury how you used those three thousand pounds." Burton put on one of his serio-comic faces, winked at the audience, and exclaimed, "The lawyers got that!" The judge and audience were convulsed with laughter. The counsellor was glad to let the comedian go.

DCCCLXXI.—VICE VERSA.

IT is asserted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt. This cannot be; for instead of contracting it at all, bad Ministers have most materially extended it.

DCCCLXXII.—NOTHING PERSONAL.

AT a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give them a toast; and looking hard in the face of Mrs. M——, who was more celebrated for wit than beauty, gave "Honest men an' bonny lasses!"—"With all my heart, Sir John," said Mrs. M——, "for it neither applies to you nor me."

DCCCLXXIII.—A HINT FOR GENEALOGISTS.

MR. MOORE, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this manner: "Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one more."

DCCCLXXIV.—A MISTAKE.

OLD Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking. "Some puny things," he said, "have died of learning to drink, but no man ever died of drinking." Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he spoke from great practical experience, and was, moreover, many years treasurer of St. Bartholomew's Hospital.

DCCCLXXV.—AN IMPOSSIBLE RENUNCIATION.

THE late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. "Why, sir," said they, "we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our ain righteousness."—"Renouncing your ain righteousness!" vociferated the astonished doctor, "I never saw any ye had to renounce!"

DCCCLXXVI.—THE HUMANE SOCIETY AT AN EVENING PARTY.

AT an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said,—

"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is the young gentleman dancing with that very elderly lady!"

"One of the Humane Society, I should think," replied Jerrold.

DCCCLXXVII.—A PROUD HEART.

MATHEWS, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of which he represented an old collier, looking for some of the implements of his trade, exclaiming, "Jan, what's the mother done with the new coal-sacks?"—"Made pillows on 'em," replied the son. "Confound her proud heart!" rejoins the collier, "why could she not take th' ould ones?"

DCCCLXXVIII.—SENT HOME FREE.

A VERY considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his "Burton XXXX," concludes the advertisement: "N.B. Parties drinking more than four glasses of this potent beverage at one sitting, carefully sent home gratis in a wheelbarrow, if required."

DCCCLXXIX.—CHARLES II. AND MILTON.

CHARLES II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him, and finished a profusion of insults with saying, "You old villain! your blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins."—"If Providence," replied the venerable bard, "has punished my sins with blindness, what must have been the crimes of your father which it punished with death!"

DCCCLXXX.—WHOSE?

SYDNEY SMITH being ill, his physician advised him to "take a walk upon an empty stomach."—"Upon whose?" said he.

DCCCLXXXI.—"PUPPIES NEVER SEE TILL THEY ARE NINE DAYS OLD."

IT is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of capping. The bishop inquired the reason of the neglect. The two men begged his lordship's pardon, observing they were freshmen, and did not know him. "How long have you been in Cambridge?" asked his lordship. "Only eight days," was the reply. "Very good," said the bishop, "puppies never see till they are nine days old."

DCCCLXXXII.—EPIGRAM.

(On Lord W——'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.)

"THE independence of the Lords is gone," Says W——, to truth for once inclined; And to believe his lordship I am prone, Seeing that he himself is left behind.

DCCCLXXXIII.—CONFIDENCE—TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.

ON the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness. "I," said the adaptator, "never feel nervous on the first night of my pieces."—"Ah, my boy," Jerrold replied, "you are always certain of success. Your pieces have all been tried before."

DCCCLXXXIV.—BETTER KNOWN THAN TRUSTED.

A WELL-KNOWN borrower stopped a gentleman whom he did not know, and requested the loan of a sovereign. "Sir," said the gentleman, "I am surprised that you should ask me such a favor, who do not know you."—"O, dear sir," replied the borrower, "that's the very reason; for those who do, will not lend me a farthing."

DCCCLXXXV.—WILL AND THE WAY.

AT a provincial Law Society's dinner the president called upon the senior attorney to give as a toast the person whom he considered the best friend of the profession. "Certainly," was the response. "The man who makes his own will."

DCCCLXXXVI.—A REASONABLE EXCUSE.

A PERSON lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to return the volumes which he had lent them. "Sir," replied a friend, "your acquaintances find it is much more easy to retain the books themselves, than what is contained in them."

DCCCLXXXVII.—BEWICK, THE ENGRAVER.

WHEN the Duke of Northumberland first called to see Mr. Bewick's workshops at Newcastle, he was not personally known to the engraver. On discovering the high rank of his visitor, Bewick exclaimed, "I beg pardon, my lord, I did not know your grace, and was unaware I had the honor of talking to so great a man." To which the Duke good humoredly replied, "You are a much greater man than I am, Mr. Bewick." To this Bewick answered, "No, my lord: but were I Duke of Northumberland, perhaps I could be."

DCCCLXXXVIII.—SUMMARY DECISION.

MR. BROUGHAM, when at the bar, opened before Lord Chief Justice Tenterden an action for the amount of a wager laid upon the event of a dog-fight, which, through some unwillingness of dogs or men, had not been brought to an issue. "We, my lord," said the advocate, "were minded that the dogs should fight."—"Then I," replied the Judge, "am minded to hear no more of it:" and he called another cause.

DCCCLXXXIX.—A DISAPPOINTING SUBSCRIBER.

TO all letters soliciting "subscriptions," Lord Erskine had a regular form of reply, namely: "Sir, I feel much honored by your application to me, and beg to subscribe" (here the reader had to turn over leaf) "Myself, your very obedient servant," etc.

DCCCXC.—HABEAS CORPUS ACT.

BISHOP BURNET relates a curious circumstance respecting the origin of that important statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. "It was carried," says he, "by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lord Grey and Lord Norris were named to be the tellers. Lord Norris was not at all times attentive to what he was doing; so a very fat lord coming in, Lord Grey counted him for ten, as a jest at first; but seeing Lord Norris had not observed it, he went on with this misreckoning of ten; so it was reported to the House, and declared that they who were for the bill were the majority, and by this means the bill passed."

DCCCXCI.—A RUNAWAY KNOCK.

DOUGLAS JERROLD describing a very dangerous illness from which he had just recovered, said—"Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's door, I can assure you."

DCCCXCII.—COMMON POLITENESS.

TWO gentlemen having a difference, one went to the other's door and wrote "Scoundrel!" upon it. The other called upon his neighbor, and was answered by a servant that his master was not at home. "No matter," was the reply; "I only wished to return his visit, as he left his name at my door in the morning."

DCCCXCIII.—THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.

JEKYLL saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. "Ah! poor devil," said Jekyll, "he's going the Home Circuit."

DCCCXCIV.—A SOPORIFIC.

A SPENDTHRIFT being sold up, Foote, who attended every day, bought nothing but a pillow; on which a gentleman asked him, "What particular use he could have for a single pillow?"—"Why," said Foote, "I do not sleep very well at night, and I am sure this must give me many a good nap, when the proprietor of it (though he owed so much) could sleep upon it."

DCCCXCV.—CHARITABLE WIT.

WIT in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody expressed the greatest sympathy. "Well," said he, "everybody declares he is sorry for her; I am truly sorry—I am sorry five pounds. How much art thou sorry, friend? and thou? and thou?" He was very successful, as may be supposed. One of those to whom the case was described said he felt very much, indeed, for the poor widow. "But hast thou felt in thy pocket?" inquired the "Friend."

DCCCXCVI.—USE IS SECOND NATURE.

A TAILOR that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole half-a-yard. His wife perceiving it, asked the reason; "Oh," said he, "it is to keep my hands in use, lest at any time I should forget it."

DCCCXCVII.—EPIGRAM.

(On a certain M.P.'s indisposition.)

HASTE son of Celsus, P—rc—v—l is ill; Dissect an ass before you try your skill.

DCCCXCVIII.—LIQUID REMEDY FOR BALDNESS.

USE brandy externally until the hair grows, and then take it internally to clinch the roots.

DCCCXCIX.—AN INGENIOUS DEVICE.

THE Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his portrait, and intended to obtain it. "But how if your friends see it?" inquired he. "Ah, but I'll tell the artist not to make it like you, so they won't know it."

CM.—THE REBEL LORDS.

AT the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, "What a shame it is to turn her face to the prisoners, until they are condemned!"

Some women were scolding Selwyn for going to see the execution, and asked him how he could be such a barbarian to see the head cut off? "Nay," replied he, "if that was such a crime, I am sure I have made amends; for I went to see it sewed on again."

Walpole relates: "You know Selwyn never thinks but a la tete tranchee." On having a tooth drawn, he told the man that he would drop his handkerchief for the signal.

CMI.—A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.

"HOW are you this morning?" said Fawcett to Cooke.

"Not at all myself," says the tragedian. "Then I congratulate you," replied Fawcett; "for, be whoever else you will, you will be a gainer by the bargain."

CMII.—THE DIRECT ROAD.

WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: "Can you tell us the way to the 'Judge and Jury?'" (a place of low entertainment). "Keep on as you are, young gentleman," was the reply, "you're sure to overtake them."

CMIII.—A SUGGESTIVE PAIR OF GRAYS.

JERROLD was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known,—a jovial spendthrift.

"Well, Jerrold," said the driver of a very fine pair of grays, "what do you think of my grays?"

"To tell you the truth," Jerrold replied, "I was just thinking of your duns!"

CMIV.—DR. JOHNSON'S OPINION OF MRS. SIDDONS.

WHEN Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, "Sir, she is a prodigiously fine woman."—"Yes," replied Dr. Glover; "but don't you think she is much finer upon the stage, when she is adorned by art?"—"Sir," said Dr. Johnson, "on the stage art does not adorn her: nature adorns her there, and art glorifies her."

CMV.—A GOOD NEIGHBOR.

THE Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: "I had much rather," said he, "have friends than hares."

CMVI.—AN EQUIVOCATION.

A DIMINUTIVE attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: "Sir, I hear you have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?"—"No, sir," said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. "I never said you were a pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say you were little Else."

CMVII.—A WISE FOOL.

A PERSON wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety of opinions were entertained,—some people thinking him not so foolish as he seemed,—knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny, and offered him his choice. "I'll tak' the wee ane," he says, giving as his modest reason, "I'se no' be greedy." At another time, a miller, laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, "Some things I ken, and some I dinna ken." On being asked what he knew, he said, "I ken a miller has aye a gey fat sou."—"An' what d'ye no ken?" said the miller. "Ou," he returned, "I dinna ken at wha's expense she's fed."

CMVIII.—ON A BALD HEAD.

MY hair and I are quit, d'ye see; I first cut him, he now cuts me.

CMIX.—LIE FOR LIE.

TWO gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, one said, "There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw." She turned back, and, seeing him very ugly, said, "I wish I could, in return, say as much of you."—"So you may, madam," said he, "and lie as I did."

CMX.—A MAN WITHOUT A RIVAL.

GENERAL LEE one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in creation."—"Why, general?"—"Because," replied Lee, "you are in love with yourself, and you have not a rival upon earth."

CMXI.—ADVICE TO A DRAMATIST.

YOUR comedy I've read, my friend, And like the half you've pilfered best; But, sure, the Drama you might mend; Take courage, man, and steal the rest!

CMXII.—GARRICK AND FOOTE.

"THE Lying Valet" being one hot night annexed as an afterpiece to the comedy of "The Devil upon Two Sticks," Garrick, coming into the Green Room, with exultation called out to Foote, "Well, Sam, I see, after all, you are glad to take up with one of my farces."—"Why, yes, David," rejoined the wit; "what could I do better? I must have some ventilator for this hot weather."

CMXIII.—NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.

WHEN Lord Lauderdale intimated his intentions to repeat some good thing Sheridan had mentioned to him, "Pray, don't, my dear Lauderdale," said the wit; "a joke in your mouth is no laughing matter!"

CMXIV.—QUITE AGROUND.

IT is said that poor H—— T—— has been living on his wits. He certainly must be content with very limited premises.

CMXV.—A JUDGE IN A FOG.

ONE of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the construction of a will, sagely declared, "It appeared to him that the testator meant to keep a life-interest in the estate to himself."—"Very true, my lord," said Curran gravely; "but in this case I rather think your lordship takes the will for the deed."

CMXVI.—THE LETTER H.

IN a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was the former; adding that, if it were not a letter, it must have been a very serious affair to him, by making him ill (Hill without H) all the days of his life.

CMXVII.—ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE.

SHERIDAN was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give. Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on account of the badness of the weather. Shortly afterwards she met him sneaking out alone. "So, Mr. Sheridan," said she, "it has cleared up."—"Just a little, ma'am—enough for one, but not enough for two."

CMXVIII.—"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."

CURRAN'S ruling passion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty, he answered, "That is rather surprising, as I have been practising all night."

CMXIX.—EPIGRAM.

(On the charge of illegally pawning brought against Captain B——, M.P.)

IF it's true a newly made M.P. Has coolly pawned his landlord's property, As the said landlord certainly alleges, No more will Radicals and Whigs divide Upon one point, which thus we may decide, "Some members are too much disposed for pledges."

CMXX.—CUP AND SAUCER.

A GENTLEMAN, who was remarkable at once for Bacchanalian devotion and remarkably large and starting eyes, was one evening the subject of conversation. The question appeared to be, whether the gentleman in question wore upon his face any signs of his excesses. "I think so," said Jerrold; "I always know when he has been in his cups by the state of his saucers."

CMXXI.—A NEW READING.

KEMBLE playing Hamlet in the country, the gentleman who acted Guildenstern was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. Hamlet asks him, "Will you play upon this pipe?"—"My lord, I cannot."—"I pray you."—"Believe me, I cannot."—"I do beseech you."—"Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I can"; and to the confusion of Hamlet, and the great amusement of the audience, he played "God save the king!"

CMXXII.—CONCEITED, BUT NOT SEATED.

SEVERAL ex-members are announced as about to stand at the ensuing elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after them, for there are very few who can reasonably expect to sit.—G. A'B.

CMXXIII.—STRANGE VESPERS.

A MAN who had a brother, a priest, was asked, "Has your brother a living?"—"No."—"How does he employ himself?"—"He says mass in the morning."—"And in the evening?"—"In the evening he don't know what he says."

CMXXIV.—A TRANSFORMATION SCENE.

SIR B—— R——, in one of the debates on the question of the Union, made a speech in favor of it, which he concluded by saying, "That it would change the barren hills into fruitful valleys."

CMXXV.—AN ACCEPTABLE DEPRIVATION.

THE Duke of C—mb—l—d has taken from this country a thing which not one person in it will grudge: of course we are understood at once to mean his departure.—G. A'B.

CMXXVI.—ACCURATE DESCRIPTION.

A CERTAIN lawyer received a severe injury from something in the shape of a horsewhip. "Where were you hurt?" said a medical friend. "Was it near the vertebra?"—"No, no," said the other; "it was near the racecourse."

CMXXVII.—SOLOMON'S TEMPLE.

WHEN Reginald Heber read his prize poem of "Palestine" to Sir Walter Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon's Temple, one striking circumstance had escaped him; namely, that no tools were used in its erection. Reginald retired for a few minutes to the corner of the room, and returned with the beautiful lines:—

"No hammer fell, no ponderous axes rung; Like some tall palm, the mystic fabric sprung. Majestic silence," &c.

CMXXVIII.—THE STAFFORDSHIRE COLLIERIES.

MANY anecdotes might be collected to show the great difficulty of discovering a person in the collieries without being in possession of his nickname. The following was received from a respectable attorney. During his clerkship he was sent to serve some legal process on a man whose name and address were given to him with legacy accuracy. He traversed the village to which he had been directed from end to end without success; and after spending many hours in the search was about to abandon it in despair, when a young woman who had witnessed his labors kindly undertook to make inquiries for him, and began to hail her friends for that purpose. "Oi say, Bullyed, does thee know a man named Adam Green?" The bull-head was shaken in sign of ignorance. "Loy-a-bed, does thee?" Lie-a-bed's opportunities of making acquaintance had been rather limited, and she could not resolve the difficulty. Stumpy (a man with a wooden leg), Cowskin, Spindleshanks, Corkeye, Pigtail, and Yellowbelly were severally invoked, but in vain; and the querist fell into a brown study, in which she remained for some time. At length, however, her eyes suddenly brightened, and, slapping one of her companions on the shoulder, she exclaimed, triumphantly, "Dash my wig! whoy he means my feyther!" and then, turning to the gentleman, she added, "You should ha' ax'd for Ould Blackbird!"

CMXXIX.—A POSER.

FOOTE was once met by a friend in town with a young man who was flashing away very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave: "Why, Foote," said his friend, "you are flat to-day; you don't seem to relish a joke!"—"You have not tried me yet, sir," said Foote.

CMXXX.—MINDING HIS CUE.

MR. ELLISTON was enacting the part of Richmond; and having, during the evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lays down to the Queen, "Gertrude, do not drink," he accosted Mr. Powell, who was personating Lord Stanley (for the safety of whose son Richmond is naturally anxious), THUS, on his entry, after the issue of the battle:—

Elliston (as Richmond). Your son, George Stanley, is he dead?

Powell (as Lord Stanley). He is, my Lord, and safe in Leicester town!

Elliston (as Richmond). I mean—ah!—is he missing?

Powell (as Lord Stanley). He is, my Lord, and safe in Leicester town!!

And it is but justice to the memory of this punctilious veteran, to say that he would have made the same reply to any question which could, at that particular moment, have been put to him.

CMXXXI.—EPIGRAM.

(On a little member's versatility.)

WHY little Neddy —— yearns To rat, there is a reason strong, He needs be everything by turns, Who is by nature nothing long.

CMXXXII.—LATE AND EARLY.

THE regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very late to the office."—"Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but you must remember that I go away early." The oddness of the excuse silenced the reprover.

CMXXXIII.—FAIR PLAY.

CURRAN, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. "You are so little," said he, "that I might fire at you a dozen times without hitting, whereas, the chance is that you may shoot me at the first fire."—"To convince you," cried Curran, "I don't wish to take any advantage, you shall chalk my size upon your body, and all hits out of the ring shall go for nothing."

CMXXXIV.—SOMETHING LACKING.

HOOK was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on a dead wall an incomplete inscription, running, "WARREN'S B——," was puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. "'Tis lacking that should follow," observed Hook, in explanation.

CMXXXV.—THE HONEST MAN'S LITANY.

FROM a wife of small fortune, but yet very proud, Who values herself on her family's blood: Who seldom talks sense, but for ever is loud, Libera me!

From living i' th' parish that has an old kirk, Where the parson would rule like a Jew or a Turk, And keep a poor curate to do all his work, Libera me!

From a justice of peace who forgives no offence, But construes the law in its most rigid sense, And still to bind over will find some pretence, Libera me!

From dealing with great men and taking their word, From waiting whole mornings to speak with my lord, Who puts off his payments, and puts on his sword, Libera me!

From Black-coats, who never the Gospel yet taught, From Red-coats, who never a battle yet fought, From Turn-coats, whose inside and outside are naught, Libera me!

CMXXXVI.—THREE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.

A LADY, proud of her rank and title, once compared the three classes of people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery. A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see the lady's little girl, who, it was mentioned, was in the nursery. "John," said she to the footman, "tell the maid to bring the little dear." The footman, wishing to expose his mistress's ridiculous pride, cried, loud enough to be heard by every one,—"Crockery! bring down little China."

CMXXXVII.—MEN OF LETTERS.

A CORRESPONDENT, something new Transmitting, signed himself X.Q. The editor his letter read, And begged he might be X.Q.Z.

CMXXXVIII.—ELEGANT RETORT.

IT is a common occurrence in the University of Cambridge for the undergraduates to express their approbation or disapprobation of the Vice-Chancellor, on the resignation of his office. Upon an occasion of this kind, a certain gentleman had enacted some regulations which had given great offence; and, when the senate had assembled in order that he might resign his office to another, a great hissing was raised in disapprobation of his conduct; upon which, bowing courteously, he made the following elegant retort:—

"Laudatur ab his."

CMXXXIX.—SNUG LYING.

A VISITOR at Churchtown, North Meols, thought people must like to be buried in the churchyard there, because it was so healthy.

CMXL.—A PROPER ANSWER.

A KNAVISH attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty, "What is that to you?" said he; "meddle with those things that concern you."

CMXLI.—GOOD HEARING.

I HEARD last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead, I'm very glad to hear it, too, cries Ned.

CMXLII.—AN UNCONSCIOUS POSTSCRIPT.

GEORGE SELWYN once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a letter without a postscript. "My next letter shall refute you!" said Lady G——. Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladyship, where, after her signature, stood: "P.S. Who was right; you or I?"

CMXLIII.—HOAXING AN AUDIENCE.

COOKE was announced one evening to play the Stranger at the Dublin Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation were visible in his countenance and gestures: this, by the generality of the audience, was called fine acting; but those who were acquainted with his failing, classed it very properly under the head of intoxication. When the applause had ceased, with difficulty he pronounced, "Yonder hut—yonder hut," pointing to the cottage; then beating his breast, and striking his forehead, he paced the stage in much apparent agitation of mind. Still this was taken as the chef-d'oeuvre of fine acting, and was followed by loud plaudits, and "Bravo! bravo!" At length, having cast many a menacing look at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in vain, gave him the word, he came forward, and, with overacted feeling, thus addressed the audience: "You are a mercantile people—you know the value of money—a thousand pounds, my all, lent to serve a friend, is lost for ever. My son, too—pardon the feelings of a parent—my only son—as brave a youth as ever fought his country's battles, is slain—not many hours ago I received the intelligence; but he died in the defence of his King!" Here his feelings became so powerful that they choked his utterance, and, with his handkerchief to his eyes, he staggered off the stage, amidst the applause of those who, not knowing the man, pitied his situation. Now, the fact is, Cooke never possessed L1,000 in his life, nor had he ever the honor of being a father; but, too much intoxicated to recollect his part, he invented this story, as the only way by which he could decently retire; and the sequel of the business was, that he was sent home in a chair, whilst another actor played the part.

CMXLIV.—THE SEASON-INGS.

"COME here, Johnny, and tell me what the four seasons are." Young Prodigy: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar."

CMXLV.—NOT AT HOME.

A WEAVER, after enjoying his potations, pursued his way home through the churchyard, his vision and walking somewhat impaired. As he proceeded, he diverged from the path, and unexpectedly stumbled into a partially made grave. Stunned for a while, he lay in wonder at his descent, and after some time he got out, but he had not proceeded much further when a similar calamity befell him. At this second fall, he was heard, in a tone of wonder and surprise, to utter the following exclamation, referring to what he considered the untenanted graves, "Ay! ir ye a' up an' awa?"

CMXLVI.—LINCOLN'S-INN DINNERS.

ON the evening of the coronation-day of our gracious Queen, the Benchers of Lincoln's Inn gave the students a feed; when a certain profane wag, in giving out a verse of the National Anthem, which he was solicited to lead in a solo, took that opportunity of stating a grievance as to the modicum of port allowed, in manner and form following:—

"Happy and glorious"— Three half-pints 'mong four of us, Heaven send no more of us, God save the Queen!

which ridiculous perversion of the author's meaning was received with a full chorus, amid tremendous shouts of laughter and applause.

CMXLVII.—WHY ARE WOMEN BEARDLESS?

HOW wisely Nature, ordering all below, Forbade a beard on woman's chin to grow, For how could she be shaved (whate'er the skill) Whose tongue would never let her chin be still!

CMXLVIII.—COOL RETORT.

HENDERSON, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who, not keeping his temper, threw a glass of wine in the actor's face; when Henderson took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and cooly said, "That, sir, was a digression: now for the argument."

CMXLIX.—LYING.

DON'T give your mind to lying. A lie may do very well for a time, but, like a bad shilling, it's found out at last.—D.J.

CML.—PERTINENT INQUIRY.

A PERSON addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which made him stare, "Did you never hear that before?" said the narrator. "No," says the other: "Pray, sir, did you?"

CMLI.—A POLITE REBUKE.

CHARLES MATHEWS, seated on a coach-box on a frosty day, waiting for the driver, said to him when at length he appeared: "If you stand here much longer, Mr. Coachman, your horses will be like Captain Parry's ships."—"How's that, sir?"—"Why, frozen at the pole!"

CMLII.—A CERTAIN CROP.

UNDER the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field, where Lord Fife, his factor, and others interested in the subject were collected together. There was much discussion, and some difference of opinion as to the crop with which the field had best be sown. The idiot retainer, who had been listening unnoticed to all that was said, at last cried out, "Saw't wi' factors, ma lord; they are sure to thrive everywhere."

CMLIII.—GOOD ADVICE.

NEVER confide in a young man,—new pails leak. Never tell your secret to the aged,—old doors seldom shut closely.

CMLIV.—MR. THELWALL.

WHEN citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under it: "If you do, you'll be hanged:" to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: "I'll be hanged, then, if I do."

CMLV.—CHEAP AT THE MONEY.

A SHILLING subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney! Here's a guinea; go and bury one-and-twenty of them."

CMLVI.—A QUERY FOR MR. BABBAGE.

A PERSON, hearing that "Time is Money," became desirous of learning how many years it would take "to pay a little debt of a hundred pounds!"

CMLVII.—A BACK-HANDED HIT.

LORD DERBY once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is represented. "That's intended," said A'Beckett, "as a sinister insult to the members who represent that wretched country."

CMLVIII.—THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES.

IF by their names we things should call, It surely would be properer, To term a singing piece a bawl, A dancing piece a hopperer!

CMLIX.—A FAVORITE AIR.

ONE of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical composition, said: "That song always carries me away when I hear it."—"Can anybody whistle it?" asked Jerrold, laughing.

CMLX.—A GOOD JOKE.

A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have a prop. "Suppose," said he, "I lean against this milestone?"—"With pleasure," replied the lawyer, "on condition that I may lean against the next." The joke settled the quarrel.

CMLXI.—ONE THING AT A TIME.

A VERY dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying, "It was not hissed."—"True," said another; "no one can hiss and gape at the same time."

CMLXII.—TROPHIES.

A FRENCH nobleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many trophies of Louis the Fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had many such trophies in his palace. "No," said Prior, "the monuments of my master's victories are to be seen everywhere but in his own house."

CMLXIII.—"BRIEF LET IT BE."

WHEN Baron Martin was at the Bar and addressing the Court of Exchequer in an insurance case, he was interrupted by Mr. Baron Alderson observing: "Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure your life? Remember, yours is a brief existence."

CMLXIV.—GOOD ADVICE.

A PHILOSOPHER being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge, replied, "Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first sounded, with their stick, the ground on which they are going to tread."

CMLXV.—EXPECTORATION.

WE are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of. No English gentleman has spit upon the floor since the Heptarchy.—S.S.

CMLXVI.—A COAT-OF-ARMS.

A GREAT pretender to gentility Came to a herald for his pedigree: The herald, knowing what he was, begun To rumble o'er his heraldry; which done, Told him he was a gentleman of note, And that he had a very glorious coat. "Prithee, what is 't?" quoth he, "and take your fees." "Sir," says the herald, "'tis two rampant trees, One couchant; and, to give it further scope, A ladder passant, and a pendent rope. And, for a grace unto your blue-coat sleeves, There is a bird i' th' crest that strangles thieves."

CMLXVII.—DR. SIMS.

A GLORIOUS bull is related, in the life of Dr. Sims, of a countryman of his, an Irishman, for whom he had prescribed an emetic, who said with great naivete: "My dear doctor, it is of no use your giving me an emetic! I tried it twice in Dublin, and it would not stay on my stomach either time."

CMLXVIII.—MARRIAGE.

IN marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

CMLXIX.—BENEFIT OF COMPETITION.

POPE, when he first saw Garrick act, observed, "I am afraid that the young man will be spoiled, for he will have no competitor!"

CMLXX.—INDUSTRY AND PERSEVERANCE.

A SPENDTHRIFT said, "Five years ago I was not worth a farthing in the world; now see where I am through my own exertions."—"Well, where are you?" inquired a neighbor. "Why, I now owe more than a thousand pounds!"

CMLXXI.—QUANTUM SUFF.

IN former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady dropped off, but was not missed till her husband reached his door. The party who were despatched in quest of her, arrived just in time to find her remonstrating with the advancing tide, which trickled into her mouth, in these words, "No anither drap; neither het nor cauld."

CMLXXII.—LAMB AND SHARP SAUCE.

A RETIRED cheesemonger, who hated any allusions to the business that had enriched him, said to Charles Lamb, in course of discussion on the Poor-Laws, "You must bear in mind, sir, that I have got rid of that sort of stuff which you poets call the 'milk of human kindness.'" Lamb looked at him steadily, and replied, "Yes, I am aware of that,—you turned it all into cheese several years ago!"

CMLXXIII.—AN IRISHMAN'S PLEA.

"ARE you guilty, or not guilty?" asked the clerk of arraigns of a prisoner the other day. "An' sure now," said Pat, "what are you put there for but to find that out?"

CMLXXIV.—ACCOMMODATING.

A MAN in a passion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said, "You speak foolishly." He answered, "It is that you may understand me."

CMLXXV.—GENEROSITY AND PRUDENCE.

FRANK, who will any friend supply, Lent me ten guineas.—"Come," said I, "Give me a pen, it is but fair You take my note." Quoth he, "Hold there; Jack! to the cash I've bid adieu;— No need to waste my paper too."

CMLXXVI.—ODD REASON.

A CELEBRATED wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he was much attached. "I know not" he replied, "except the great regard we have for each other."

CMLXXVII.—VERY EVIDENT.

GARRICK and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription: "A GOES KOORED HEAR."—"How is it possible," said Rigby, "that such people as these can cure agues?"—"I do not know," replied Garrick, "what their prescription is,—but it is not by a spell."

CMLXXVIII.—OMINOUS, VERY!

A JOLLY good fellow had an office next to a doctor's. One day an elderly gentleman of the foggy school blundered into the wrong shop: "Dr. X—— in?"—"Don't live here," says P——, who was in full scribble over some important papers, without looking up. "Oh, I thought this was his office."—"Next door."—"Pray, sir, can you tell me, has the doctor many patients?"—"Not living!" The old gentleman was never more heard of in the vicinity.

CMLXXIX.—A REVERSE.

AN Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house he occupied, answered, "If the house were turned topsy-turvy, I'd be livin' on the first flure."

CMLXXX.—ON AN M.P. WHO RECENTLY GOT HIS ELECTION AT THE SACRIFICE OF HIS POLITICAL CHARACTER.

HIS degradation is complete, His name with loss of honor branding: When he resolved to win his seat He literally lost his standing.

CMLXXXI.—MUSICAL TASTE.

A LATE noble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music, being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the Bishop of W——, did: "Oh," replied his lordship, "if I was as deaf as my brother, I would subscribe too."

CMLXXXII.—LINGUAL INFECTION.

A FASHIONABLE Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could be his countryman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such an airing. "Oh!" said he, "he's trying to catch the English accent."

CMLXXXIII.—PORSON versus DR. JOWETT.

DR. JOWETT, who was a small man, was permitted by the head of his college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some jeux d'esprit among the wags of the University, which induced him to alter it into a plot of gravel, and Porson burst forth with the following extemporaneous lines:—

A little garden little Jowett made, And fenced it with a little palisade; Because this garden made a little talk, He changed it to a little gravel walk; And now, if more you'd know of little Jowett, A little time, it will a little show it.

CMLXXXIV.—BREVITY OF CHARITY.

BREVITY is in writing what charity is to all other virtues. Righteousness is worth nothing without the one, nor authorship without the other.