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L. Rod. Rather all Joys expire, where Love commences; when that deluding Passion once takes root, we grow insensible, ill-bred, intolerable, neglecting Dress and Air, and Conversation; to fondle an odd Wretch, that caus'd our ruin: No, give me the outward Gallantries of Love, the Poetry, the Balls, the Serenades, where I may Laugh and Toy, and humour Apish Cringers, with secret Pride to raise my Sexes Envy, and lead pretending Fops a Faiery Dance.
Col. My own Humour to a Hair! How I admire such generous sprightly Virtue, your Reasoning, Madam, darts amazing brightness, 'where groveling Souls want courage to think freely, ay, Liberty's the Source of all Enjoyments, a nourishing Delight, innate and durable. I love the Harmony of Foreign Courts; your downright English Women are meer Mopes, sit dumb like Clocks that speak but once an Hour, supinely Grave and insolently Sullen, nor Smile but on good terms to Laugh, at us for Life: But other Climates animate more warmly; Sexes alike are free, reciprocally gay, and Pleasures are persu'd without Reflection, if Principle or Fear refuse us Love; for I'm the tenderest of a Lady's Honour, the Fair One still has tantalizing Charms, her tuneful Voice, her graceful, easie Movement, her lively Converse, happy turn of Thought, Language polite, keen Wit, fineness of Argument, but Marriage turns the Edge of all Society.
L. Rod. Pray, Collonel, how long have you taken up this Resolution?
Col. I doat upon the Sex, admire their heav'nly Form, like beauteous Temples built by sacred Hands, where their bright Souls as Deities inhabit; but shou'd Love's Queen, Celestial Citharea, descend in all her elegance of Beauty, the study'd Care of the officious Graces, with Wreaths of Jewels glittering round her Temples, her flowing Locks dispos'd in artful Circles, losely attir'd, and on a Down of Roses, with laughing Cupids hov'ring round the Bed.—
L. Rod. But Collonel.
Col A wondrous lovely Mien, kind melting Airs, soft snowy Breasts that pant with am'rous Sighs, Eyes lauguishing that steal forth welcome glances; Cheeks rip'ning, glowing, kindling, ravishing.
To be confin'd, wou'd deaden all her Charms, And Matrimony fright me from her Arms.
L. Rod. Good Collonel check a while this feign'd Career; for in describing her you wou'd refuse, you're in a Rapture, and quite out of Breath; don't depend too much on your fancy'd Prowess, some mortal Dames, less beauteous than a Goddess, have exercis'd and tam'd the boldest Heroes.
Enter Mrs. Lovejoy.
Mrs. Lov. Madam, the Countess of Circumference, my Lady May-pole, and my Lady Bob-tail are just lighting at the Gate.
L. Rod. Pray sup with me Collonel, and lets finish this Argument, I'm fond of disputing with a Person that talks well.
Col. [aside ] She's peek'd, and my design must prove successful.
Pride keeps me off, but Nature smooths my way; For what her Tongue wou'd hide, her Eyes betray.
[Exit.
L. Rod. Cozen, did you ever hear the like? The Collonel's such an Enemy to Marriage?
Mrs. Lov. An Enemy to Marriage, Madam!
L. Rod. As obstinately bent against it, as if he were incapable of Love; not that his Principles concern me, yet such Heresy in Men shou'd be subdu'd.
Mrs. Lov. Perhaps, Madam, the Collonel may have had some strange misfortune in the Army, Cannon Bullets fly at such an ugly random rate.
L. Rod. Ha, ha, ha, how I laugh at such thin Disguises, as if a ratling Officer in this fortune-hunting Age, cou'd have Philosophy to slight my Person and Estate; but I'll applaud his happy choice of Liberty; say, 'tis a generous Thought, so like my self, I'll settle a Platonick Friendship with him, then faulter in my Speech, and seem confus'd, as if my Sexes weakness must discover a Passion which my haughty Soul wou'd hide. The greedy Collonel catches at the Bait, deep Sighs, and sheepish Looks confess the Lover; then with what sparkling Pride I'll boast my Power, bravely assert my wonted Resolutions, rally the blustering Heroe, and pursue new Conquests.
As the Sun's early Beams attract and warm, So Ladies with their easie glances Charm; Vain Coxcombs cringe with transport and surprize, Feel kindling Fire, and feed upon their Eyes; 'Till like the Sun, the dazling Nymphs display Meridian heat, and scorch the Fools away.
End of the Third ACT.
ACT IV. SCENE continues.
Lady Rodomont, and Mrs. Lovejoy.
Mrs. Lov. Why, Madam, shou'd your Ladyship keep so many Fellows in suspence, is it only to mortifie other Women, and maintain the Vanity of being universally admir'd; you won't marry, and yet love to be courted: In other matters your Ladiship's gen'rous enough, but as for parting with your Lovers, you are as stingy as the Widow Scrape-all, that lets out her Mourning-Coach to Funerals.
La. Rod. Cozen, we're alone, and I'll discover t' you the Soul of ev'ry Woman: Vanity is the predominant Passion in our Sex, what Lady that has Beauty, Wit and Fortune, does not excel in Dress, brighten in Talk, and dazle in her Equipage; and Lovers are but Servants out o' Liveries: Who then that has Attractions to command, to sooth, to frown, to manage as we please, wou'd raise those crawling Wretches that adore us, that fawn and sigh, and catch at ev'ry Glance, but once embolden'd, as our Courage fails us, the flatt'ring Knaves exert their Sovereign Sway, and crush the darling Pow'r we possess.
Mrs. Lov. 'Tis their Prerogative to rule at last, our Reign is short, because 'tis too Tyrannical; we're pleas'd to have Admirers gaze upon us, they're pleas'd with gazing, 'cause they cannot help it; but yet they think us strange fantastick Creatures, and curse themselves for loving such vain Toys; for my part, I'm for ballancing the pow'r of both Sexes, if a fine Gentleman addresses a fine Lady, his Reception ought to be suitable to his Merit, and when two fine People get together—
La. Rod. What then?
Mrs. Lov. They ought to lay aside Affectation and Impertinence, and come to a right understanding i' th' matter.
La. Rod. But prithee, my Dear, what fine Things d'you conceive there are in Love?
Mrs. Lov. I wou'd conceive what fine Things there are in Love; in short, Madam, you may dissemble like the French Hugonots, that were starving in their own Country, and pretended to fly hither for Religion: But I that have the same Circulations with your Ladiship, know that ev'ry Woman feels a Je ne scay quoy for an agreeable Fellow; nay more, that Love is irresistable; how many Fortunes have marry'd Troopers, and Yeomen o'the Guard? We are all made of the same Mould; nay I heard of a Lady that was so violently scorcht at the sight of a handsome Waterman, she flung her self sprawling into the Thames, only that he might stretch out his Oar, and take her up again.
La. Rod. There are Women Fools to a strange degree; but have you, Cousin, seen any Object so amiable to merit that ridiculous Condescension.
Mrs. Lov. I have seen a great many young Fellows, Madam, and do ev'ry Day see more young Fellows that I cou'd like very well to play at Piquet with; and if your Ladiship has sworn to die a Maid, recommend one of your Admirers to me, and it shan't be my Fault, if in a few Months I don't produce you a very pretty Bantling to inherit your Estate.
Enter Major Bramble.
Bram. (Aside.) Now must I screw my self into more submissive Forms than a hungry Poet at the lower end of a Lord's Table, when he has more Wit than all the Company; muster up more Lies than are told behind a Cheapside-Counter, and talk to her of Agues, Agonies and Agitations, when I have no more Notion of Love, than a Lawyer has of the next World: Her Estate indeed wou'd put a Man into a Conflagration, but a fine Woman is to me like a fine Race-Horse, admir'd only by Fools, very costly, very wanton, and very apt to run away—Madam, your Ladiship's incomparable Perfections, which are as much talk'd of, as if they had been publish'd in the Flying-Post, Post-Boy, and Post-Man, have stirr'd up all my Faculties to admire, ev'ry Part about you, and to tell you the Ambition I have of being your Ladiship's most devoted, humble Servant at Bed and Board.
La. Rod. A Man of your Character, Major, is seldom touch'd with a Lady's Perfections; our trifling Beauties soften weaker Mortals, you Men that bustle about publick Matters, whose fiery Souls are charm'd with Broils of State, retain no mighty Transports for our Sex.
Bram. True, Madam, Love's but an insipid Business; but I wou'd marry to keep up that fiery Breed; and your Ladyship having a more sublime Genius than the rest of your Sex, I thought you the properest Person to apply to, that with equal Pains-taking we may produce a Race of Alexanders, that shall rattle thro' the World like a Peal of Thunder, wage Wars, destroy Cities, and send old Women headlong to the Devil.
La. Rod. I mould rather chuse a peaceful Race, whose Virtue shou'd prefer 'em to the State, where Wisdom, like a Goddess, sits triumphant, to awe, to charm, to punish and reward, and check the Fury of such headstrong Coursers.
Bram. A Race of Side-Box-Beaus, that love soft easie Chairs, Down-Beds, and taudry Night-Gowns; I admire those renown'd Emperors, that chop Peoples Heads off for their Diversion, and the glorious King of France, that makes his Family Kings whenever he pleases; that gives People yearly Pensions to bellow out his praise; whose Edicts fly about like Squibs and Crackers, and as much laughs at Parliaments and Councils, as a Whore of Distinction does at the Reforming-Society.
La. Rod. Such Princes are meant Scourges to the Earth; no Mortal's fit for absolute Command; Men have their Passions; Monarchs are but Men, and when Love, Jealousie, or Fear possess 'em, the Tyrants spurn, and rack their guiltless People, who tamely bend, and court their fatal Madness; our happy Realm knows no Despotick Sway; not only Kingdoms here, but Hearts unite, the Sov'reign and the Subjects bless each other; a Constitution so divinely fram'd; such gen'rous Concord, such resistless Harmony, that Nature wonders at her own Perfections; a Climate and a People so serene!
Bram. Look you, Madam, I'm no more an Enemy to the Government than to your Ladiship: Your Ladiship has a good Estate, Estate, and your Person is mightily dish'd out, fine and lovely and plump, therefore if your Ladyship thinks fit to marry me, and the Government to give me a Place of a Thousand a Year, I'm an humble Servant to both, otherwise I wou'dn't care three Whiffs o' Tobacco, if the Government sunk, and your Ladiship were blown up in the Clouds.
La. Rod. Plain-dealing, Major, ought to be inestimable, especially in a Statesman, but you needn't give your self any trouble about me, you're not a Creature tame enough for a Husband: The Lion that's us'd to range the Woods, if once ensnar'd, grows ten times more outragious. What think you, Cousin, shou'd we entangle the Major.
Mrs. Lov. We must never come near him, Madam, for I'm afraid he'll devour us all.
Bram. Devour you all, Mrs. Oatcake, a Man must be damnable hungry to feed upon your Chitterlings. [Aside.] Now have I a good mind to hire two or three honest Fellows to swear her into a Plot, have her Estate confiscated to the Government, and get a Reward of half of it for so serviceable a piece of Loyalty and Revenge; but to mortifie her more compleatly, I'll go make my Addresses to the Divine Lady Toss-up. [Exit.
Enter Nicknack.
Nick. [Aside.] Were it not to improve my Int'rest with the Ladies, I wou'd forswear all manner of Bus'ness, and grow perfectly idle, like a Dancing-Master's Brains. I have been squeez'd up at the Custom-House, 'mongst Jews, Swedes, Danes, and dirty Dutchmen, that were entering Hung-Beef, 'till I'm only fit to tread Billingsgate-Key, and address those shrill Ladies, whose Italian Voices ev'ry Day charm the Streets with the deaf'ning Harmony of Place, Flounders, and New-Castle-Salmon—I was afraid, Madam, having not seen your Ladiship these four Hours, you had quite forgot me.
La. Rod. That's impossible, Mr. Nicknack, I never see the pretty Monkey you brought me, but I have the strongest Idea of you imaginable; but have you imported no greater Curiosities, a Monkey of one sort or other is what most People have in their Houses. I'd have a Ship range the World on purpose to find me out some agreeable strange Creature, that was never heard of before, nor is ever to be met with again.
Nick. A Creature, Madam, which some People think unparallell'd, it may be in my, Pow'r to help your Ladiship to, but 'tis a sort of Creature that's always sighing for a Mate, if your Ladiship likes it as well as some other Ladies have done; if I know the Creature, 'twou'd laugh and toy, and kiss and fawn upon your Ladiship beyond all Womankind.
La. Rod. Pray, Mr. Nicknack, what Species is it of?
Nick. Of Humane Species, Madam, your Ladiship shall examine it, but the Ladies turn it into what shape they please, an Ape, an Ass, a Lizard, a Squirrel, a Spaniel; most People say 'tis a Man, but the Merchant that brought it from the Cyprian Groves, calls it a Desponding Lover.
La. Rod. A Desponding Lover, Mr. Nicknack, is indeed a very strange Creature, but 'tis no Rarity, I'm pester'd with 'em at all Seasons, they are continually intruding like one's poor Relations, more pragmatically impertinent than one's Chaplain, and, were it possible, as impudent as one's Footmen.
Nick. But a sincere and constant Lover your Ladiship must allow a Rarity.
La. Rod. [Aside.] I must humour this Fellow's Vanity; he'll make an admirable Tool to plague the Collonel—I understand you, Mr. Nicknack, you have so pretty a way of discovering your self, 'twou'd charm any Lady, and truly I see no difference between a Gentleman educated at Merchant-Taylor's-School, and one at Fobert's; only at our end o'the Town, there's a certain Forwardness in young Fellows, that a Boy of Fourteen shall pretend to practise before he understands the Rule of Three. But what you tell me is a thing of that weight, it requires mature Deliberation, a Conflict with one's self of a whole Age's debating: Marriage, 'mongst the vulgar sort, is a Joke, a meer May-Game; with People of Rank, a serious and well study'd Solemnity.
Nick. Nay, Madam, I'm in no very great haste, I am perfectly of your Ladyship's Opinion, and can't think there's so mighty a Jest in Matrimony as some People imagine; like a Country Fellow and a Wench, that will jig it into Church after a blind Fidler, and are never in a dancing Humour afterwards. People o' Quality are more apprehensive o' the matter, and have a world o' business to do, we must first be seen particular together, to give suspicion, and create Jealousies 'mongst the rest of your Admirers; then it must be whisper'd to the Countess of Intelligence, to carry about Town, or the Tea-Tables will drop for want of Tittle-tattle; and afterwards your Ladyship's absolutely denying it, confirms ev'ry body in the truth of it: As for Cloaths, Equipage and Furniture, they are soon got ready, and if your Ladiship dislikes living i'the City, we'll take a House at Mile-End.
La. Rod. The City, Mr. Nicknack, A very considerable Place! I have had noble Suppers there. Suppers dress'd at Russel's in Ironmonger-lane, and have brought away Fifty Guineas at Basset, when at this end o'the Town I have lost three times Fifty for a sneaking Dish of Chocolate. People too may talk of their want of Sense, but the suppressing Bartl'mew-Fair was a thing of that wondrous Consultation, it shews the Citizens have prodigious Head-pieces.
Nick. Your Ladiship has a just Notion of the City. I have read sev'ral Acts of Common Council, that have really a world of Wit in 'em; but I'm afraid, Madam, Collonel Blenheim has so far ingratiated himself with your Ladiship, I shall have a troublesome Rival to deal with.
La. Rod. Not in the least, I admitted him only as a Visitant, but at present I must be more particular with him; he's of late grown a little irreverent towards our Sex, and I must check an insolent Humour he has got of despising Matrimony; he'll be with me instantly, I'll dispose you, that you may over-hear all, how I'll turn and wind him, cross him, humour him, and confound him; when you think it proper make your Appearance, and we'll both laugh at him.
Nick. If your Ladiship pleases, I had rather laugh in my Sleeve, for those blustering Officers, that are us'd to destroy whole Batallions, make no more of murdering one Man, than an Alderman does of eating up a single Turkey.
La. Rod. Never fear him, Mr. Nicknack.
Nick. Nay, Madam, I have been Collonel i'th'Train-Bands these seven Years, and therefore ought not to want Courage; and tho' I never learnt to fence, there's an admirable Master teaches three times a Week, at the Swan Tavern in Cornhil. [Exeunt.
Mrs. Lov. Now will I be Spitchcockt, if she han't an Inclination for the Collonel, to coquet, and flirt and fleer, and plague half Mankind, only because they like her, may be what you call a fine Lady, but in my mind she has more fantastical Airs than a Kettle-Drummer. [Exit.
SCENE, a Room in the Rose-Tavern.
The Bell rings.
[Bar-keeper without.] Where a Pox are you all; must Company wait an Hour for a Room?
[A noise of Drawers.] Coming, coming, coming, Sir.
Enter a Drawer with Lights, Shrimp, Knapsack, and Master Totty.
Draw. Please to be here, Gentlemen?
Shr. What's become of your Beau-Drawer, that wore a long Spanish Wig, lac'd Linnen, silk Stockings, and a Patch?
Draw. He happen'd, Sir, to make bold with a silver Monteth, and is gone for a Soldier—What Wine are you for Gentlemen?
Shr. [Aside to the Drawer.] D'you know Sir Harry Sprightly, Friend?
Draw. Yes, Sir.
Shr. What Wine does he drink?
Draw. Three and Six-penny, Sir.
Shr. I am his Servant, draw us the same.
Tot. Bring me some Sack. [Exit Drawer.
Shr. Well, Master, what think you of London now, is not the rattling of Coaches, the ringing of Bells, and the joyful Cry of Great and good News from Holland, preferrable to the Country, where you see nothing but Barns and Cow-houses, hear nothing but the grunting of Swine, and converse with nothing but the Justice, the Jack-daw, and your old Grand-mother.
Tot. Ay, marry is it, and if they ever get me there again, I'll give 'em leave to pickle and preserve me; here are Drums and Trumpets, Soldiers and Sempstresses, and fine Sights in ev'ry Street: In the Country we are glad to go four Miles to see a House o'fire. Nay, wou'd you believe it, we ha'n't so much as a Tavern in our Town; Gentlemen are forc'd to use Gammer Grimes's Thatch'd Ale-house, except the Curate be with 'em, and then they smoke, and drink in the Vestry.
[Drawer enters with Wine.
Knap. Come, Master, here's my hearty Service t'you.
Tott. Your hearty Servant thanks you, Sir—Mr. Shrimp, here's the Respects of a Gudgeon t'you.
Shr. Ah! you're an arch Wag.
Tott. But, pray, Mr. Shrimp, where may a body buy a little Wit, my Grand-mother charg'd me to get some; and, she says, bought Wit's best; 'tis a mighty scarce Commodity i'the Country; we have above two hundred Gentlemen near us that never heard on't. Our Chaplain has a little, but they say 'tis n't the right sort.
Shr. Mr. Knapsack can furnish you with five or ten Pounds worth when you please.
Knap. Mr. Shrimp, Master, has a much better Stock, but that you may n't think I engross it to my self, as they say Bull does Coffee, what I have is at your Service.
Tott. Sir, my Service t'you again, [drinks] This is much better than Lincoln Ale, fegs.
Knap. What think you now, Master, of a pretty Wench to towze a little?
Tott. He, he, he, [grins] I don't know what you mean, Sir.
Knap. Had you never any pleasant Thoughts o'the Fair Sex.
Tott. I never lay with any Body but my Grand-mother; when she was in a good humour, she'd tickle a Body sometimes, but if she never meddl'd mith me, I never meddl'd with her.
Knap. A sapless old Hen, you might as well have lain with a Paring-Shovel; but what think you of a young Woman, that's warm, tender and inviting.
Shr. By this Light, here's Betty the Orange Woman from the Play-house.
Enter Betty. [They rise
Bett. Ah! you Devils are you here, why did n't you come into the Pit to night, and eat an Orange,—who have you got with you, by my lost Maidenhead, a meer Country Widgeon, you sly Toads will bubble him finely; let me go snacks, or I'll discover it. Come, Fellows, drink about; positively it's very cold, fitting so behind at the Box Doors.
Shr. Honest Betty, here's Success to thee in ev'ry thing.
Bett. Ay, Faith, but there's little to do this Winter yet, now the Officers are come over, I hope, to have full Trade; I have had but one poor Shilling giv'n me to Night, and that was for carrying a Note from a Baronet in the Side Box to a Citizens Wife in the Gall'ry; but there was no harm in't, 'twas only to treat with her here by and by, about borrowing a hundred Pound of her Husband upon the Reversion of a Parsonage. [To Knap.] Red Coat your Inclinations. [To Tott.] Sir, prosperity t'you, you are got into hopeful Company.
Tott. Thank you, Mrs. Betty.
Shr. Prithee Betty give us a Song.
Bett. A Song, Pigsneyes, why, I have been roaring all Night with Six Temple Rakes at the Dog and Partridge Tavern in Wild-street, and am so hoarse I cou'd not sing a Line, were the whole Town to subscribe for me.
Knap. Take t'other Glass, Betty.
Bett. T'other Glass, Fellow, by the Bishop of Munster, these Puppies have a Design upon me! but give it me, however, for all that know me, know I never baulk my Glass.
Shr. But the Song, the Song, Betty. [She Sings
SONG.
I.
How happy are we, Who from Virtue are free, That curbing Disease of the Mind, Can indulge ev'ry Taste, Love where we like best, Not by dull Reputation confin'd.
II.
When were Young, fit to toy, Gay Delights we enjoy, And have Crouds of new Lovers wooing; When were old and decay'd, We procure for the Trade, Still in ev'ry Age we are doing.
III.
If a Cully we meet, We spend what we get Ev'ry Day, for the next never think, When we die, where we go, We have no Sense to know, For a Bawd always dies in drink.
Bett. [Aside to Shrimp.] Hark'e, Satan, where did you pick up this modest Youth; does he bleed?
Shr. Oh! abundantly.
Bett. That's well, dress him up, and send him to Will's Coffee-House and he'll soon grow impudent. [To Tott.] My dear, eat this Orange, and gi'me Half a Crown.
Tott. Half a Crown for an Orange! I can buy one in the Country for two Pence.
Bett. So you may in Town, lovely Swain, but ev'ry Smock I put upon my Back costs me nine Shillings an Ell.
Knap. But tell us, Betty, what Intrigues are going forward, your publick Post brings you into a world of private Business, d'you know ever an amorous Lady that would present me with a hundred Guineas to oblige her?
Bett. Thee, Child, Lord starve thee, a Foot Soldier! one o'the Infantry, a Lady that's Fool enough to pay for her Pleasures, may provide her self better out o' the Guards.—Come, gi'me t'other Bumper, nothing's to be got here, I find, and I must run.
Shr. Why in such hast, Betty?
Bett. Haste, Creature, why the Fourth Act is just done, and t'other bold Beast will run away with all the Money.
Knap. Hark'e, Bess, don't stroddle over Peoples Backs so as you us'd to do.
Bett. Why, how now, Mr. Impudence, I think we do 'em too great an Honour, and whoever affronts me for it I'll have him kick'd as soon as the Play's over. [Exit.
Shr. Come, my dear Boy, let's tope it about briskly; what think you of this Lass? is she not frank and free? If you had her in a Corner, she'd show you the way to Lyme-house.
Tott. Are all your London Women like her? Our Country Wenches are as Cross with treading upon Nettles; there's Margery our Dairy-Maid, I only offer'd to feel her Bubbies, and she hit me a dowse o'the Jaws enough to beat down a Stack o' Chimneys.
Shr. We'll carry you to a Lady, Master, that shall stifle you with Kindness, as pretty a piece of Wild-fowl as paddles about Covent Garden; but you'll tip her a Guinea, her Lodgings are extremely fine; and you must know a first Floor comes very dear.
Knap. She's a Gentlewoman too, I'll assure you, her Father was hang'd in Monmonth's Time, wears as rich Cloaths as any Body, and never puts on the same Suit twice.
Tot. O Gemini, I long to see her; pray, Mr. Knapsack, lets go; but what shall I treat her with, boil'd Fowls and Oysters.
Knap. Something that's very nice, she's mighty dainty at Supper; but her constant Breakfast is a Red-Herring, and a quartern o' Geneva. [Exeunt.
SCENE Changes to Lady Rodomonts.
Lady Rodomont and the Collonel discover'd.
L. Rod. Well, Collonel, now what think you of our Sex? Is there no Nymph so sovereignly bright, whole matchless Beauty, Virtue, Wit and Fortune you'd charm your rambling. Thoughts and chain you to her?
Coll. The Goddess you describe, you too well know her wond'rous Brightness, her commanding Excellence, where ev'ry Star seems glitt'ring in her Person, and ev'ry Science cultivates her Mind; no Swain but kindles at her vast Perfections, Sighs at her Feet, and trembles to approach her; but then a baneful Mischief thwarts our Transports, and while we feast us with luxuriant Gazing, that bug-bear Marriage rises like a Storm, clouds ev'ery Beauty, blackens with approaching, and frights away the gen'rous faithful Lover.
L. Rod. You talk of Love with an unusual Warmth, you seem to feel it too, and talk with Pleasure; and yet strange wand'ring Notions teaze your Fancy, whose vain Allurements tantalize your Reason, and force you from the Happiness you wish for. He that loves truly, loves without reserve; the Object is the Centre of his Wishes, but your wild Sex that hurry after Pleasure, whose headstrong Passions kindle ev'ry moment, admire each Nymph, and eager to possess, you burn, you rage, and talk in tragick Strains: But when the easy Maid believes, and blesses, when once you ha' rifl'd, ravish'd and enjoy'd, ungratefully you slight the yielding Charmer; your Love boil'd o'er descends to cold Indifference, and a regardless Look rewards her Favours; were I inclin'd to wave my Resolutions, and yield my self a Victim to Love's Pow'r, were I to chuse a Man by Fortune slighted, and raise him to a more than common Affluence; such is the Temper of your graceless Sex, there's not a Cottage Swain that proves sincere.
Coll. Cou'd you then, Madam, condescend to love, and cou'd a Lover manifest his Passion, by constant waiting, vigilant Observance, by sacerdotal Plights, and Faith inviolate, wou'd you prove kind, and take him to your Arms.
L. Rod. Of things impossible we lightly talk; if such a Man were found, perhaps, I might.
Coll. Cherish that Thought; believe there is that Man; believe you see him now; observe him well.
L. Rod. Ha!
Coll. Read from his Eyes his passionate Concern, his flattering Hopes, his anxious killing Fears; examine ev'ry Symptom, feel his Tremblings, search to his Heart, and there find Truth unblemish'd; approve his Flame, and nourish it with Favours.
L. Rod. Have I caught you, Collonel; is this the Sum of all your Self-sufficiency, your Matrimonial Hate, and boasted Liberty. [Aside.] His Merits probably may vie with any, but sure he last shou'd hope a Lady's Graces, who saucily arraigns her Sex's Pow'r.
Enter Nicknack.
Mr. Nicknack, I have a Miracle to tell you, the Collonel from a blustering, ranting Heroe is dwindl'd to a panting, pining Lover; talks in blank Verse, and Sighs in mournful postures: He the fam'd Pyramus, and I bright Thisbe.
Nic. I thought, Madam, the Collonel had been a profess'd Marriage-hater.
L. Rod. Mr. Nicknack, we'll divert our selves at Picquet. When you recover, Collonel, from this Lethargy, you'll play a Pool with us; Ladies admit all sorts to lose their Mony. [Exit Lady Rod. and Nick.
Coll. I have plaid a fine Card truly, now shall I be number'd with those doating Fools, her Pride encourages, then Jilts, and laughs at. She's fair, but, oh! the Treachery of her Sex.
Enter Sir Harry.
Sir Har. My dear Collonel, prithee why so pensive? I have had the pleasantest Adventure this Afternoon, going to the Bank to receive Mony; in Pater-Noster-Row I saw two of the loveliest Sempstresses the Trade e'er countenanc'd; I went into the Shop, struck up a Bargain, whipt over to the Castle, where we eat four Crabs, top'd six Bottles, skuttl'd up and down, kiss'd, towz'd and tumbl'd 'till we broke ev'ry Chair in the Room. But you are so engag'd with Lady Rodomont, your Company's a Blessing unattainable.
Coll. Yes, I have been engag'd, and finely treated. The Syren with her false deluding Arts, her Force of Words and seeming to comply, has drawn me to declare my Passion for her; now rallies and despises all I said, and hugs her self in baffling my Design.
Sir Har. 'Tis like her Sex, they will ha' their Jades Tricks, but never mind 'em; we'll to the Tavern and consult new Measures: Our Perseverance is beyond their Policy.
The started Hare may frisk it o'er the Plain, And the staunch Hound long trace her Steps in vain, Swiftly she flies, then stops, turns back and views, } Doubles, and quats, and her lost Strength renews, } But tho' unseen, he still the Scent persues, } 'Till breathless to a fatal Period brought, The Hound o'ertakes her, and poor Puss is caught.
The End of the Fourth ACT.
ACT V.
SCENE, Continues.
Enter Sir Harry, and Mrs. Lovejoy.
Mrs. Lov. Sir Harry, all this Rhet'rick won't prevail; whether you term it Virtue, or Pride only, I am resolv'd to keep a Fame unspotted, in spight of all temptations whatsoever.
Sir Har. A Woman's obstinacy is no novelty; but where's the difference 'twixt a Mistress and a Wife. Only a Mistress has a much better Air; you shall appear as gay and fine as any; strut in Brocade, and glitter in your Jewels, 'till you put all virtuous Women out o'countenance.
Mrs. Lov. Impudence, Sir Harry, is a lewd Woman's Talent, and yet what Creature is there so much dash'd as such an one that happens among virtuous Ladies. If the Passion you profess be real, proceed with Honour, and you may be heard: Not that I speak this to increase your Vanity; Ambition only sways my Inclinations, and you must know; I have a mighty mind to be a Lady.
Sir Har. A Lady! why, my Servants shall all call you so; we'll live together like Man and Wife, and I'll be so Constant, and so full of Love, that ev'ry body shall believe we're marry'd.
Mrs. Lov. Love and Constancy, Sir Harry, will plainly tell ev'ry body we are not marry'd.
Sir Har. [aside] Have her I must; but how shall I contrive it?—Oh! a lucky Thought seizes me. Some Ladies after they have refus'd prodigious Settlements, tell 'em but a Secret, and they'll grant you any thing. I'll trump up a delicate Lie to tickle her Curiosity and serve the Collonel.——Well, Madam, since you are resolv'd to cross me, I must apply my self to those more kind tho' less agreeable, tho' had you giv'n me but the least Encouragement to have shown my opinion of your Parts as well as Person, I had trusted you with a Story worth your Attention, tho' 'tis a most prodigious Secret.
Mrs. Lov. A Secret! Sir Harry, positively, I will know it.
Sir Har, Then ev'ry body'll know it for a Secret. 'Tis a thing of that dangerous Consequence, Madam, shou'd it e'er be divulg'd, I may have my Throat cut about it; and pray, what security have I either for your Fidelity, or that in return you'll favour my Addresses.
Mrs. Lov. 'Tis well known, Sir Harry, I can keep a Secret; I have found Ladies cheat at Cards, seen Ladies steal Tea-Spoons, and have never spoke on't; nay more, I once caught a Lady making her Husband a Cuckold, and I never discover'd it.——I'll tell you who it was, my Lady Elcebeth.——
Sir. Har. Nay, Madam, you have giv'n me prodigious Proofs of your Secrecy, and I'll disclose the Matter. Collonel Blenheim having been so intollerably us'd by Lady Rodomont is just going to be marry'd to my Lady Catterwawl, the rich Widow in the Mewse.
Mrs. Lov. Indeed!
Sir Har. The Lady has regarded him some Years, and her Woman, Mrs. Squatt, has often brought him Presents and Messages which he receiv'd but coldly, admiring Lady Rodomont; but her ill treatment makes him now resolve gratefully to marry one, who not only will advance his Fortune, but intirely Loves him.
Mrs. Lov. Sir Harry, you have oblig'd me infinitely, I wou'd'nt but have known this Story for the World.
Sir Har. But when shall we be happy in each other?
Mr. Lov. I'll give you leave to hope; when I have study'd well, what Virtue is, I'll tell you more; but at present I must leave you, for I have a hundr'd and fifty Holes to mend in a lac'd Head just going to the Wash.
Sir Har. Not a Word o'the Secret.
Mrs. Lov. [angrily] Sir Harry, I'm no tattler, depend upon't; 'tis lock'd up in this Breast, safe and secure as lodg'd within your own [aside]. I'm ready to burst, 'till I tell it my Lady.
Sir Har. So she's brimful of it already.——Now Exit, for my Friend to humour the design. [Exit.
Enter Lady Rodomont, and Mrs. Lovejoy.
L. Rod. Prithee, Cozen, what is't you mean by the Collonel's going to be marry'd? You credulous Creatures, that are ignorant of the World, believe all the stuff you hear. Or suppose him going to be marry'd; why do you trouble me with such idle Stories?
Mrs. Lov. Nay, Madam, your Ladiship need'n't be discompos'd about the Matter, I only told it you as a piece o'news, and if it be no concern t'you, you may soon forget it.
L. Rod. Discompos'd, Creature! Have you had your being in my Family so long not to know nothing under the Sun's considerable enough to discompose me? But 'tis a thing impossible; it's not two Hours since he kneel'd to me, said his sole Happiness depended on my Smiles, with utmost Arguments enforc'd his Passion, faulter'd, look'd pale, and trembl'd as he spoke it: Not that I who have had foreign Princes at my Feet, value the conqu'ring an English Collonel; but I that know my Power infallible, drew him by policy to that Confession, to have him, as I wou'd have all Mankind, my Slave.
Mrs. Lov. Sir Harry, Madam, affirm'd it with that unaffected Air of Truth, enjoyn'd me so strict a Secrecy in the Matter, saying, if't were discover'd his Life might be in danger; that you must pardon me, Madam, if I can't help believing it.
L. Rod. Cozen, you that have never been beyond Tunbridge-Wells, must'nt dispute with me that know the Intreagues of ev'ry Court and Country. Matches an't so easily made up, nor is it probable my slighting him, shou'd make another Lady value him; if it be true, he must have been in League with her some time, and, certainly, I shan't care to be banter'd.——But I'll know that presently;—Where are all my Fellows? prithee, Cozen, bid one of 'em come, hither. [Exit Mrs. Lov.
Enter Footman.
Who order'd you, you fat, heavy heel'd Booby; you are two Hours creeping to the Gate? Call another,—
Enter another Footman.
Nor you you Sot, you'll loiter at ev'ry Ale-house you come to. Send in the Yorkshire Footman that's never out o'breath;——
Enter a Third.
This Fellow's an intollerable Fool too; d'you hear Changling, go to Young Man's Coffee-house, enquire for Collonel Blenheim; if he's not there, run to the Smyrna, White's, Tom's, Will's, Offendo's, and the Gaunt; tell him I desire to speak with him presently; search the Park, the Play house, and all the Taverns and Gaming-houses you can think on; for, positively, if you don't find him, I'll immediately turn you off.
Re-enter Mrs. Lovejoy.
Mrs. Lov. I hope, Madam, your Ladiship's not displeas'd with me; 'tis my int'rest to oblige in ev'ry thing, where daily I receive such numerous Favours. [Aside]. She has the Money, and I must submit, tho' 'tis well known, I'm of a much better Family.
L. Rod. Excuse me, dear Cozen, and don't imagine the most finish'd Cavalier cou'd shake my firm Resolves; but when a Fellow's arrogance shall dare to proffer his unwelcome worthless Love, then villainously act the same Part elsewhere; Honour won't let me tamely acquiesce.
Mrs. Lov. Madam, Mr. Nicknack desires the favour of kissing your Hands.
L. Rod. Pray admit him, Cozen, he's rich and personable, very good humour'd, and no Fool: His aspiring at me does indeed show a prodigious stock of Vanity; but 'tis a failing, People o'the best Sense are liable to, and I had rather prove a Man too ambitious than to have no spirit at all.
Enter Nicknack.
Mr. Nicknack, I'm so us'd to you of late, methinks your absence gives me some Chagrin; where have you been this tedious long half Hour?
Nick. When we flung up the Cards, Madam, I went to see the two Children that grow together; I wish 'twere your Ladiship's case and mine.
L. Rod. We shou'd rejoice to be parted agen.
Nick. But has your Ladiship contemplated prodigiously o'the Matter? For really, Madam, I begin to find my self in more hast than I thought I was.
L. Rod. Already, Mr. Nicknack, you're too hasty; tho' I have this opinion of you, a Match with you requires less pro and con than with some others; but I fancy People look so silly when they're going to be marry'd, to see 'em walk demurely up the Church, so sheepishly consenting and asham'd; with shoals of gaping Fools, that crowd about 'em, as if a Marriage were a Miracle; prithee, Mr. Nicknack, that I may guess a little at the Matter for a Frollick, let my Footman marry you, and my Cozen together.
Mrs. Lov. Mr. Nicknack, and I, Madam.
Nick. Mrs. Lovejoy, and I, Madam, a very good Jest i'faith.
L. Rod. But you must believe, you're really marry'd, or how shall I discover the true Air of it?
Nick. But, Madam, is not believing what one knows to be false, somewhat like a Tradegy Actress; who while she's playing a Queen or Empress, is full as haughty, and thinks her self as great.
L. Rod. Oh! a strong faith often deprives People of their Senses.
Nick. Nay, Madam, I have frequently told monstrous Stories, 'till I ha' believ'd 'em my self.
L. Rod. We'll step into the next Room, I have a Fellow too that has the best Puritanical Face you ever saw; but the Society o'the Livery has secur'd him from ever being a Saint. [Exeunt
SCENE, Lady Tossup's.
Enter Lady Tossup, and Mrs. Flimsy.
Flim. Madam, the Major desires the Honour of kissing your Ladyship's Hands.
L. Toss. The Major, Flimsy! What Major? Major Bramble; What business can the Major have with me?
Flim. Perhaps, Madam, he's come to pretend to your Ladyship. I have often caught him rolling his Eyes at your Ladyship, and several times o'late, he has watch'd above an Hour at the Tabernacle Door to see your Ladyship come out.
L. Toff. It may be so? but he's old, Flimsy.
Flim. He's not quite Fifty, Madam, and they say, He has his Health very well.
L. Toss. Nay, he's rich; but, I hear, he makes Love to Lady Rodomont; if he slights her for me, I shall receive him more candidly to be reveng'd on her for affronting me in the Park—Pray Flimsy introduce him.
Enter Bramble.
A Visit, Major, from a Person of your incessant Negotiations, and refin'd Politicks is a Grace so peculiar, that I want Assurance to receive it, and Capacity to acknowledge it.
Bram. 'Tis for my Improvement, Madam, to address a Lady whose superiour Talents so much excel those Politicks, her condescending Goodness pleases to commend in me. The great Monarch o'France thinks it his int'rest on ev'ry nice point o'State to visit the greater Madam Maintenon.
L. Toss. [aside] Nay, I always read the Votes, and can tell what nemine contradicente means. I vow the Major's Oratory is extravagantly well dress'd! I wonder, Sir, your transcending Abilities are not more taken notice of at Court! Methinks you shou'd be sent Ambassadour Extraordinary to some magnanimous Prince in Terra Incognita; for I'm certain, you must understand more Languages than were ever heard of.
Bram. Int'rest, Madam, as much depresses true Merit, as a flutt'ring Assurance over pow'rs real Beauty, otherwise my Intellects might shine as much above modern Statesmen as your Ladyship's Person wou'd out sparkle Lady Rodomont's.
L. Toss. D'you really think, Major, my Personage more complete than my Lady's?
Bram. Madam, there's no more comparison between Lady Rodomont and your Ladyship, than between a dazling Dutchess and a Wapping Head-dresser: If the surprizing Sight, and continual Idea of your Ladyship had not discompos'd my Thoughts and confounded my Politicks, the Confederates had never taken Lisle.
L. Toss. Indeed, Major, I'm very sorry for it truly [aside]. D'you hear, Flimsy, you will have me lay it on so thick; but I hope 'twill be retaken agen.
Bram. Is your Ladyship disaffected, then, to the Government?
L. Toss. The most of any body, for I have been three times at Court, and they have brought me no Chocolate.
Bram. 'Twas a prodigious Affront; and if you'll believe me, Madam, I'm disaffected to ev'ry kind o'thing but your Ladyship.
L. Toss. What if we adjourn into the Drawing-Room Major? We'll sit upon the Squabb, drink Whistlejacket, and abuse all Mankind.
Bram. Nature, Madam, has sufficiently expos'd all Mankind, in forming your Ladyship so far beyond 'em. [Exeunt.
SCENE Changes to Lady Rodomonts.
Enter Lady Rodomont, and the Collonel.
L. Rod. Collonel, I sent for you to wish you Joy, I hear you're to be marry'd.
Coll. [aside.] It works I find; Sir Harry's Thought was admirable— Yes, Madam, your Ladyship made such fine Encomiums on Matrimony, with so much Rhetorick, and force of Reason, that you have persuaded me into that comfortable State.
La. Rod. I persuade you, did I use any Arguments to persuade you to't. [Aside.] How he tortures me; but I'll be calm—Have I seen the Lady, Collonel; did she ever appear in Company; pray how is she built.
Col. Built as other Women are, Madam; she has her Gun-Room, her Steerage, her Fore-Castle, her Quarter-Deck, her Great-Cabbin, and her Poop; as for her good Qualities, few Women care to hear each other prais'd; but I'll tell you what Imperfections she has not: She is no proud conceited haughty Dame, that tow'rs over Mankind with an Estate; no vain Coquet, that loves a Croud of Followers, invites and smiles, that drills 'em to admire her; then basely, like a false dissembling Crocodile, prevaricates, and jilts their well-meant Passion.
La. Rod. Hum!
Col. She's rich and beautiful, yet humble too, thinks herself not the Phoenix o' the Age, nor seems surpriz'd, or mortify'd, to find Ladies a multitude that far excel her.
La. Rod. Very well.
Col. In short, She has Sense to know a Gentleman that offers Love sincere, whose Character maintains his just Pretensions, ought to be treated with the like Regard; and that a faithful and a tender Husband sufficiently repays the Dross of Fortune.
La. Rod..[Aside.] He has drawn me to the Life, but I'll return it— Such humble things make admirable Wives, and Women when they marry hectoring Blades, must buy their Peace with wond'rous Condescension, but when a Lady's unexception'd Graces, artless, immaculate, and universal, impow'r her to select thro' ev'ry Clime; nay, when she grasps the fickle Pow'r of Fortune, and is to raise the Man she stoops to wed, Lovers must sue on more submissive Terms; no Task's too hard when Heav'n's the Reward. I have a Lover too, no blust'ring Red-Coat, that thinks at the first Onset he must plunder, bullies his Mistresses, and beats his Men; but when two Armies meet in Line of Battle, your finest Collonels often prove the coolest.
Col. Hah!
La. Rod. No Libertine, who infamously vile, burlesques the happiest Order of Mankind; yet when some Hit shall probably present, can play the Courtier, to promote his Int'rest, and fondly press what his Soul starts to think on.
Col. [Aside.] The Woman speaks truth, by Jupiter.
La. Rod. In short, he's humble too, so very humble, he's shockt, and startles at his high-plac'd Love: He has Wit and Breeding, Virtue, Birth and Fortune, and yet no spark of Pride appears throughout him, but when I kindle it with my Commands; nor does he serve, as 'tis his Duty only, but smiles, prepares, is eager for my Orders, and flies to the Obedience I require.
Col. Take him, take him. Madam, you have found the only Man to fit your purpose—I wou'dn't bate one Inch of my Prerogative for ne'er a mony'd Petticoat in Europe.
La. Rod. Collonel, these flirting Humours misbecome you, and lighten not, but aggravate your Baseness. A Thing how much abhorr'd must he appear, who villanously shall attempt, a Lady, propose, and solemnly pursue a Conquest, when he, long since, by strictest Oaths and Promises, has vow'd, been sworn and plighted to another.
Col. You but surmise, as yet I've made no Contract; you were the only Idol of my Soul, nor did I harbour the least Thought of others, 'till your Pride us'd me with such poor Contempt, 'twas not sufficient to reject my service, but you must bring a Fop to mock my Passion, as if I had been an Animal for sport.
La. Rod. Suppose it true; [Aside.] my Pride wou'd fain suppose it— suppose I us'd you ill too, nay derided you, cou'd you not bear a Flirt from one you lov'd; had you conceiv'd a bright and lasting Flame, and not a Vapour, flashing and extinguish'd, you'd ha' born ten times more. Were I a Man, that knew my strength of Reason, had Sense to ruminate on Women's Frailties, I'd laugh at all their Spleen, despise their Vapours, and since a certain Blessing's the Reward, receive their Humours with unmov'd Philosophy; but to fly off e'er you had well propounded, to leave your Mistress 'cause she try'd your Courage, was pusillanimous, and few'll suppose Valour in Arms breeds Cowardice in Love.
Col. [Aside.] She has struck me dumb, and I'm her Fool again, must tell her all, and supplicate her pardon, resign my self entirely to her Will, and trust to her to use me as she pleases——Madam——. [Fault'ring.
La. Rod. Collonel!
Enter Sir Harry.
Sir Har. Ha, ha, ha, I never knew a Scene more nicely acted; to see two Lovers pet, and thwart, and wrangle, when they are just expiring for each other.
La. Rod. [Aside.] Has he observ'd us too; how I'm confus'd?
Sir Har. But come, come, you have brought the Play to a conclusion; an Audience wou'd be tir'd to hear more on't.
Col. Why, really, Madam, after all, you have so pretty, so winning an Air, that o' my Conscience, I think, I cou'd marry you.
La. Rod. And, really, Collonel, you have so silly, so sneaking an Air, that o' my Conscience, you'll make an excellent Husband; but I'm afraid, Collonel, you are so tainted with French Principles, having forag'd in that Country, you'll be for Tyranny, and arbitrary Government.
Col. And I'm afraid, Madam, you're so obstinate in English Principles, you'll submit to no Government at all—but the Age has adjusted that matter, for marry'd People now-a-days are the quietest, best natur'd Creatures, and live together like Brother and Sister.
La. Rod. Nay, of marry'd Folks, a Soldier's Wife is the happiest, for half the Year you're in Flanders, and one an't plagu'd with you.
Col. And t'other half we are busie in raising Recruits, and don't much disturb you.
La. Rod. Positively, Collonel, I'll not have abundance of Children.
Col. As few as you please, Madam.
La. Rod. For to be mew'd up in a Nursery, with six dirty Boys, those diminutive Apes, of the Father's dull Species.
Col. And as many trolloping Girls, that are the greatest Drugs in Nature—Well, Madam, since we're come to talk of Procreation, it must be a Match; and tho' I courted you in a careless way, to please your Humour, know now, I do love thee beyond measure; thou shalt have Progeny innumerable; we'll walk to Church with our good Deeds after us; and let 'em be dull or homely, as we must suppose 'em, when they are lawfully begot, there is a Pleasure, a Tenderness in nursing Children, which none but Mothers know.
Sir Har. Why isn't this better now than fretting and fuming at one another; People shou'd marry first, and quarrel afterwards. Oh! here comes pretty Mrs. Lovejoy, and some more of the good Family.
Enter Nicknack, and Mrs. Lovejoy.
Nick. Well, Madam, how does your Ladyship like the Air o' Matrimony.
La. Rod. Extremely well, Mr. Nicknack, methinks my Cousin and you make a most suitable, agreeable Couple, 'tis pity but you were marry'd in earnest.
Mrs. Lov. In earnest, Madam! pray what have we been doing all this while.
Nick. Doing, Precious, does the chatt'ring over a few Words by her Ladyship's spruce Footman, in his fine Head o' Hair signify any thing; don't let your Faith intoxicate you neither.
Mrs. Lov. No, Precious, but the chattering over a few Words by a spruce Parson, in his fine Head o' Hair, which I took care to provide, and put into her Ladyship's Livery, does signifie somewhat.
Nick. Ha!
La. Rod. What Cousin, have you depriv'd me of my Lover?
Mrs. Lov. I knew your Ladyship had a much superiour Aim, but my Ambition soars no higher than being an honest Citizen's Wife.
Nick. Don't it so, Mrs. Ambush? Methinks you ha' soar'd prodigiously in that; do you imagine the Ladies of Billiter-Lane, St. Mary-Ax, and French-Ordinary-Court will think you their equal.
La. Rod. I must tell you, Mr. Nicknack, you have marry'd a Gentlewoman, whose Education equals the best; her Wit and Breeding will refine your City.
Nick. Will her Wit and Breeding new furnish my House, or buy a Thousand Pound Stock in the Hollow-Blade-Company. [To Mrs. Lov.] Well, Madam, since you have plaid me a t'other end o'the Town Trick, I shall prove a t'other end o'the Town Husband, and have nothing to say to you when I can get any body else.
Mrs. Lov. I then, Sir, shall prove a t'other end o'the Town Wife, and find a great many Persons that shall have a great deal to say to me.
Sir Har. [Aside to Mrs. Lov.] Have you kept the Secret, Madam?
Mrs. Lov. No, Sir Harry, But you'll be oblig'd to me to keep another Secret, that you endeavour'd to debauch me.
Sir Har. You gave me such Hopes, Madam, that you'll keep that for your own Reputation. [To Nick.] Your pardon, Sir, for whispering your Lady.
Nick. Sir, I have more Manners than to be jealous, especially of what I don't care two pinches of Snuff for.
Enter Servant.
Ser. Madam, Major Bramble, and his Lady.
La. Rod. Major Bramble, and his Lady!
Sir Har. Oh! my Lady Toss-up, Madam, has marry'd the Major; I met 'em coming from Covent-Garden-Church, with Five hundred Boys after 'em.
Enter Bramble, and Lady Toss-up.
Bram. Hearing, Madam, your Ladyship had almost engag'd your self, I was resolv'd to lay aside all Animosities, and let you know, I have taken to Wife the most incomparable Lady Toss-up.
La. Toss. And that your Ladyship might not engross the whole Sex, I receiv'd the Major, to let you know I have room for one Lover.
La. Rod. I never knew a more surprizing Couple, such a Conjunction's Policy indeed; State-Matches never have regard to Faces. [Noise without.] Bring 'em along, bring 'em along.
Enter Constable, and others, with Totty, Shrimp, and Knapsack.
Col. What means this Intrusion?
Con. Is Sir Harry Sprightly here?
Sir Har. I am he.
Con. An't please your Baronetship, searching some Houses of ill repute, in one of 'em we found these three Gentlemen, [pointing to Totty and Knapsack.] with three Women; and searching a little further, under a fat Whores Petticoats, we found this little Gentleman, [Pointing to Shrimp.] but saying they belong'd to your Honour, we brought 'em hither before we went to the Justice.
Sir Har. They do belong to me; here's a Crown for you to drink; pray leave us.
Tot. If you be Sir Harry Sprightly, my Grand-Mother will be very angry when she hears how these Fellows ha' daub'd my Cloaths.
Sir Har. [To Shrimp.] Was that the Place I order'd you to carry the Boy to.
Tot. Boy, the Gentlewoman I ha' been with, did'n't think mee a Boy.
Sir Har. What Gentlewoman?
Tot. Why, we ha been at the Tavern, where we drunk pure Sack, and saw Madam Betty, the Orange-Lady; and afterwards we went to fine Madam Over-done's stately Lodgings in Vinegar-Yard, where we ha' been as merry as my Grand-Mother, when she gets drunk with Plague-Water. [Feels his Pockets.] Ah Lard! Mr. Shrimp, where's my Hundred Pound Bill?
Sir Har. The Lady you ha' been with, I guess, has pickt your Pocket, and these Fellows are to share it with her.
Tot. She pick my Pocket! why she had a Furbelow-Scarf on.
Sir Har. Come, come, I'll reimburse you, and send you back into the Country; you are not sharp enough for the Profession design'd you; where you may boast among your ignorant Acquaintance, that you have a perfect Knowledge o' the Town, for you have met with two very great Rogues, got drunk at a Tavern, been at a common Brothel, and have had your Pocket pickt of a Hundred Pounds. [To Knapsack.] For you, Friend, the Collonel will take care of you; [To Shrimp.] and for you, Rascal——
Bram. I profess, Sir Harry, a Couple of promising Youths; a Boy shou'd n't be trusted with so much Money; these Persons have seen the World, and know how to employ it——Gentlemen, if your Masters discard you, I'll entertain you. [Aside.] I find by their Phis'nomies they'll be rising Men; and tho' they came sneaking into the World, like other People, and paid a Tax for their Births, they'll go out of it a more sublime way, and cheat the Church of their Burials.
Col. Punish'd they shall be, but 'tis now unseasonable; this Day I'd wish an universal Jubilee——What say you to a Dance, good People, my Lady's Servants are all musical.
A DANCE.
Col. The Wav'ring Nymph, with Pride and Envy sir'd, Ranges the World, to be by all admir'd; Thro' distant Courts, and Climes, she bears her way, And like the Sun, wou'd course 'em in a Day; At length Fatigu'd, she finds those Trifles vain, Meer empty Joys, repeated o'er again: But when by Nature urg'd, weak Fancy fails, And Reason dictating, sound Sense prevails; Wisely she takes the Lover to her Arms, And owns her self subdu'd by Love's more potent Charms.
The EPILOGUE,
Spoken by Mrs. Bradshaw.
_Poets of late so scurrilous are grown, Instead of Courting, they abuse the Town: And when an_ Epilogue _entirely pleases, In thundering Jests, it takes the House to pieces; The_ Pit _smiles when the_ Gallery_'s misus'd, The_ Gallery _sniggers when the_ Pit_'s abus'd_; Side-Boxes _wou'd with Ladies Foibles play, } But they themselves stand Buff to all we say, } For nothing strikes them Dead, but_—Please to pay: } _The_ Upper Regions _angry if pass'd by; But when some wond'rous_ Joke _shall thither fly._ Faith, _Jack_, here's Sense and Learning in this Play, We'll make our Ladies come the _Poet's_ Day. _This Author wou'd by gentler Means persuade you, And rather sooth your Follies than degrade you. Parties may rail, and bully Courtiers Graces, But fawning, well-tim'd Ballads, shou'd get_ Poets _Places. Your Absence lately, how we all have mourn'd; Some pray'd, some fasted too, till you return'd: But now those melancholly Days retire, And eager Wit restrain'd, darts fiercer Fire: Favours unlimited we hope you'll grant us, And not let dear-bought_ Foreigners _supplant us. This_ PLAY, _our Author hopes, may please the Town, } Not that He claims a Merit of his own,_ } But half our_ Comick Bards _are dead and gone. } Things scarce attainable more nice appear_; Coffee _was scarce a Treat, till very dear. To raise his Genius, with some pains he strove, As we in Acting shou'd each Day improve. But as Whims only seem to please this Age, } If Wit and Humour won't your Hearts engage,_ } We'll have a Moving-Picture on the Stage. }
F I N I S.
(final leaf, recto)
William Andrews Clark Memorial Library: University of California
THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY
General Editors
H. RICHARD ARCHER William Andrews Clark Memorial Library
R.C. BOYD University of Michigan
E.N. HOOKER University of California, Los Angeles
JOHN LOFTIS University of California Los Angeles
The Society exists to make available inexpensive reprints (usually facsimile reproductions) of rare seventeenth and eighteenth century works.
The editorial policy of the Society continues unchanged. As in the past, the editors welcome suggestions concerning publications.
All correspondence concerning subscriptions in the United States and Canada should be addressed to the William Andrews Clark Memorial Library, 2205 West Adams Blvd., Los Angeles 18, California. Correspondence concerning editorial matters may be addressed to any of the general editors. Membership fee continues $2.50 per year. British and European subscribers should address B.H. Blackwell, Broad Street, Oxford, England.
Publications for the fifth year [1950-1951]
(At least six items, most of them from the following list, will be reprinted.)
FRANCES REYNOLDS. (?) An Enquiry Concerning the Principles of Taste, and of the Origin of Our Ideas of Beauty, &c. (1785). Introduction by James L. Clifford.
THOMAS BAKER. The Fine Lady's Airs (1709). Introduction by John Harington Smith.
DANIEL DEFOE. Vindication of the Press (1718). Introduction by Otho Clinton Williams.
JOHN EVELYN. An Apologie for the Royal Party (1659). A Panegyric to Charles the Second (1661). Introduction by Geoffrey Keynes.
CHARLES MACKLIN. Man of the World (1781). Introduction by Dougald MacMillan.
Prefaces to Fiction. Selected and with an Introduction by Benjamin Boyce.
THOMAS SPRAT. Poems.
SIR WILLIAM PETTY. The Advice of W.P. to Mr. Samuel Hartlib for the Advancement of some particular Parts of Learning (1648).
THOMAS GRAY. An Elegy Wrote in a Country Church Yard (1751). (Facsimile of first edition and of portions of Gray's manuscripts of the poem.)
To The Augustan Reprint Society William Andrews Clark Memorial Library 2205 West Adams Boulevard Los Angeles 18 California
_Subscriber's Name and Address_ _____ _____ _____
As MEMBERSHIP FEE I enclose for the years marked
The current year $ 2.50 The current & the 4th year 5.00 The current 3rd & 4th year 7.50 The current, 2nd 3rd, & 4th year 10.00 The current 1st 2nd 3rd, & 4th year 11.50 (Publications NO. 3 & 4 are out of print.)
Make check or money order payable to THE REGENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA.
NOTE All income of the Society is devoted to defraying cost of printing and mailing.
PUBLICATIONS OF THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY
First Year (1946-1947)
1. Richard Blackmore's Essay upon Wit (1716), and Addison's Freeholder No. 45 (1716).
2. Samuel Cobb's Of Poetry and Discourse on Criticism (1707).
3. Letter to A.H. Esq.; concerning the Stage (1698), and Richard Willis' Occasional Paper No. IX (1698). (OUT OF PRINT)
4. Essay on Wit (1748), together with Characters by Flecknoe, and Joseph Warton's Adventurer Nos. 127 and 133. (OUT OF PRINT)
5. Samuel Wesley's Epistle to a Friend Concerning Poetry (1700) and Essay on Heroic Poetry (1693).
6. Representation of the Impiety and Immorality of the Stage (1704) and Some Thoughts Concerning the Stage (1704).
Second Year (1947-1948)
7. John Gay's The Present State of Wit (1711); and a section on Wit from The English Theophrastus (1702).
8. Rapin's De Carmine Pastorali, translated by Creech (1684).
9. T. Hanmer's (?) Some Remarks on the Tragedy of Hamlet (1736).
10. Corbyn Morris' Essay towards Fixing the True Standards of Wit, etc. (1744).
11. Thomas Purney's Discourse on the Pastoral (1717).
12. Essays on the Stage, selected, with an Introduction by Joseph Wood Krutch.
Third Year (1948-1949)
13. Sir John Falstaff (pseud.), The Theatre (1720).
14. Edward Moore's The Gamester (1753).
15. John Oldmixon's Reflections on Dr. Swift's Letter to Harley (1712); and Arthur Mainwaring's The British Academy (1712).
16. Nevil Payne's Fatal Jealousy (1673).
17. Nicholas Rowe's Some Account of the Life of Mr. William Shakespear (1709).
18. Aaron Hill's Preface to The Creation; and Thomas Brereton's Preface to Esther.
Fourth Year (1949-1950)
19. Susanna Centlivre's The Busie Body (1709).
20. Lewis Theobald's Preface to The Works of Shakespeare (1734).
21. Critical Remarks on Sir Charles Gradison, Clarissa, and Pamela (1754).
22. Samuel Johnson's The Vanity of Human Wishes (1749) and Two Rambler papers (1750).
23. John Dryden's His Majesties Declaration Defended (1681).
24. Pierre Nicole's An Essay on True and Apparent Beauty in Which from Settled Principles is Rendered the Grounds for Choosing and Rejecting Epigrams, translated by J.V. Cunningham.
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