"What a strange animal!" whispered the dancing master to his next neighbour, an old conveyancer. "Yes, sir," replied the man of law, "a city shark, I think, that will swallow all our share of the fish."

"Don't you think, Mr. Alderman," said a lusty lady on the opposite side of the table, "the fish is rather high?"

"No, ma'ain, it's my opinion," (looking at the fragments) "the company will find it rather low."

"Ay, but I mean, Mr. Alderman, it's not so fresh as it might be."

"Why the head did whisper to me, ma'am, that he had not been at sea these ten days; only I thought it rude to repeat what was told me in confidence, and I'm not fond of fresh things myself, am I, Mrs. Marigold? Shall I help you to a little fowl, ma'am, a wing, or a merry thought?"

"Egad! Mr. Alderman, you are always ready to assist the company with the latter."

"Yes, ma'am, always happy to help the ladies to a _tit bit: shall I send you the _recorder's nose_? Bless my heart, how warm it is! Here, Joe, hang my wig behind me, and place that calf's-head before me." (See Plate.)

"Very sorry, ma'am, very sorry indeed," said Mr. Deputy Flambeau to the lady next him, whose silk dress he had just bespattered all over; "could not have supposed this little pig had so much gravy in him," as Lady Macbeth says.

"I wish you'd turn that ere nasty thing right round, Mr. Deputy," growled out a city ~97~~costermonger, "'cause my wife's quite alarmed for her grose de Naples."

"Not towards me, if you please, Mr. Deputy," simpered out Miss Marigold, "because thereby hangs a tail, i.e. (tale)."

"That's my Biddy's ultimatum," said the alderman; "she never makes more than one good joke a day."

"If they are all as good as the last, they deserve the benefit of frequent resurrection, alderman."

"Why so, Mr. Blackmantle?"

"Because they will have the merit of being very funny upon a very grave subject—jeu d'esprits upon our latter end."

"Could you make room for three more gentlemen?" said the waiter, ushering in three woe-begone knights of the trencher, who, having heard the fatal clock strike when at the bottom of the hill, and knowing the punctuality of the house, had toiled upwards with breathless anxiety to be present at the first attack, and arrived at the end of the second course, just in time to be too late. "Confound all clocks and clockmakers! set my watch by Bishopsgate church, and made sure I was a quarter too fast." "Very sorry, gentlemen, very sorry, indeed," said Boniface; "nothing left that is eatable—not a chop or a steak in the house; but there is an excellent ordinary at the Spaniards, about a mile further down the lane; always half an hour later than ours." "Ay, it's a grievous affair, landlord; but howsomdever, if there's nothing to eat, why we must go: we meant to have done you justice to-day—but never mind, we'll be in time for you another Sunday, old gentleman, depend upon it; "and with this significant promise the three hungarians departed, not a little disappointed.

"Those three men are no ordinary customers," said our host; "they have done us the honour to dine here before, and what is more, of leaving nothing behind; one of them is the celebrated Yorkshireman, Tom ~98~~Cornish, whom General Picton pitted against a Hanoverian glutton to eat for a fortnight, and found, at the end of a week, that he was a whole bullock, besides twelve quartern loaves, and half a barrel of beer, ahead of his antagonist; and if the Hanoverian had not given up, Tom would have eaten the rations of a whole company. His father is said to have been equally gluttonous and penurious, and could eat any given quantity: this person once dining with a member of the Society of Friends, who was also a scion of Elwes' school, after having eat enough for four moderate visitors, re-helped himself, exclaiming, 'You see it's cut and come again with me! 'to which the sectarian gravely replied, 'Friend, cut again thou may'st, but come again thou never shalt.'"

"Ay, that's a very good joke, landlord," said the alderman; "but you know I am up to your jokes: you think these long stories will save your mutton, but there you're wrong—they only give time to take breath; so bring in the sirloin and the saddle of mutton, waiter; and when we've done dinner I'll tell you an anecdote of old Tattersall and his beef-eater, which occurred at this house in a former landlord's time. Come, Mr. Blackmantle, let me send you a slice of the sirloin, and tell us what you think of good eating."

"That the wit of modern times directs all its rage ad gulam; and the only inducement to study is erudito luxu, to please the palate, and satisfy the stomach. Even my friend Ebony, the northern light, has cast off the anchorite, and sings thus jollily:

'The science of eating is old, Its antiquity no man can doubt: Though Adam was squeamish, we're told, Eve soon found a dainty bit out.'

"We talk of the degeneracy of the moderns, as if men now-a-days were in every respect inferior to their ~99~~ancestors; but I maintain, and challenge contradiction, that there are many stout rubicund gentlemen in this metropolis that might be backed for eating or drinking with any Bacchanalian or masticator since the days of Adam himself. What was Offellius Bibulus, the Roman parasite, or Silenus Ebrius, or Milo, who could knock down an ox, and eat him up directly afterwards, compared to Tom Cornish, or Richardson the oyster eater?{3} or what are all these opposed to the Oxonian, who, a short time since, went to the Swan at Bedford, and ordered dinner? a goose being brought, he hacked it in a style at which Mrs. Glass would have fainted; indeed so wretched was the mutilated anatomy, in appearance, from bad carving, that, being perfectly ashamed of it, he seized the moment when some poor mendicant implored his charity at the window, deposited the remains of the goose in his apron, rang the bell, and asked for his bill: the waiter gazed a moment at the empty dish, and then rushing to the landlord, exclaimed, 'Oh! measter, measter, the gentleman eat the goose, bones and all!' and the worthies of Bedford believe the wondrous tale to this day."

To return to Tom Cornish, our host informed us his extraordinary powers of mastication were well known, and dreaded by all the tavern-keeping fraternity who had Sunday ordinaries within ten miles round London, with some of whom he was a regular annuitant, receiving a trifle once a year, in lieu of giving them a benefit, as he terms the filling of his voracious paunch. A story is told of his father, who is said to have kept a very scanty table, that dining one Saturday with

3 In 1762, says Evelyn in his Diary, "one Richardson, amongst other feats, performed the following: taking a live coal on his tongue, he put on it a raw oyster; the coal was blown on with a bellows, till it flamed in his mouth, and so remained till the oyster gaped, and was quite boiled." Certainly the most simple of all cooking apparatus.

~100~~his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, he whispered in his ear, "Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow." "O yes," retorted the half-starved lad, "but I han't eaten for yesterday, and the day before yet, father." In short, Tom makes but one hearty meal in a week, and that one might serve a troop of infantry to digest. The squalling of an infant at the lower end of the room, whose papa was vainly endeavouring to pacify the young gourmand with huge spoonfuls of mock-turtle, drew forth an observation from the alderman, that had well nigh disturbed the entire arrangement of the table, and broke up the harmony of the scene "with most admired disorder;" for on the head of the Marigold family likening the youngster's noise to a chamber organ, and quaintly observing that they always had music during dinner at Fishmongers' Hall, the lady mother of the infant, a jolly dame, who happened to be engaged in the shell fish line, took the allusion immediately to herself, and commenced such a furious attack upon the alderman as proved her having been regularly matriculated at the college in Thames Street.

When the storm subsided the ladies had vanished, and the alderman moved an adjournment to what he termed the snuggery, a pleasant little room on the first floor, which commanded a delightful prospect over the adjacent country. Here we were joined by three eccentric friends of the Marigold family, who came on the special invitation of the alderman, Mr. Peter Pendragon, a celebrated city punster, Mr. Philotus Wantley, a vegetable dieter, and Mr. Galen Cornaro, an abominator of wine, and a dyspeptic follower of Kitchener and Abernethy—a trio of singularities that would afford excellent materials for my friend Richard Peake, the dramatist, in mixing up a new monopolylogue for that facetious child of whim and wit, the inimitable Charles Mathews. Our first story, while the wine was decantering, proceeded from the ~101~~alderman, who having been driven from the dinner table somewhat abruptly by the amiable caro sposa of the fish-merchant, had failed in giving us his promised anecdote of old Tattersall and his beef-eater. "I have dined with him often in this house," said the alderman, "in my earlier days, and a pleasant, jovial, kindhearted fellow he was, one who would ride a long race to be present at a good joke, and never so happy as when he could trot a landlord, or knock down an argument monger with his own weapons. The former host of the Gate House was a bit of a screw, and old Tat knew this; so calling in one day, as if by accident, Tat sat him down to a cold round of beef, by way of luncheon, and having taken some half ounce of the meat, with a few pickles, requested to know what he had to pay for his eating. 'Three shillings, sir,' said the waiter. 'Three devils!' ejaculated Tat, with strong symptoms of surprise, for in those days three shillings would have nearly purchased the whole round: 'send in your master.' In walks the host, and Tat renewed his question, receiving in reply a reiteration of the demand, but accompanied with this explanation, that peck high or peck low, it was all the same price: 'in short, sir,' said the host, 'I keep this house, and I mean the house should keep me, and the only way I find to insure that is to make the short stomachs pay for the long ones.' 'Very well,' said Tat, paying the demand, 'I shall remember this, and bring a friend to dine with you another day.' At this time Tat had in his employ a fellow called Oxford Will, notorious for his excessive gluttony, a very famine breeder, who had won several matches by eating for a wager, and who had obtained the appellation of Tattersall's beef-eater. This fellow Tat dressed in decent style, and fixing him by his side in the chaise, drove up to the Gate House on a Sunday to dine at the ordinary, taking care to be in excellent time, and making a previous appointment with a few friends ~102~~to enjoy the joke. At dinner Will was, by arrangement, placed in the chair, and being well instructed and prepared for execution, was ably supported by Tat and his friends: the host, too, who was in excellent humour, quite pleased to see such a numerous and respectable party, apologised repeatedly, observing that he would have provided more abundantly had he known of the intended honour: in this way all things proceeded very pleasantly with the first course, Will not caring to make any very wonderful display of his masticatory prowess with either of the unsubstantials, fish or soup; but when a fine aitch-bone of beef came before the gourmand, he stuck his fork into the centre, and, unheedful of the ravenous solicitations of those around him requesting a slice, proceeded to demolish the whole joint, with as much celerity as the hyena would the harmless rabbit: the company stared with astonishment; the landlord, to whom the waiters had communicated the fact, entered the room in breathless haste; and on observing the empty dish, and hearing Will direct the waiter to take away the bone and bring him a clean plate, was apparently thunder-struck: but how much was his astonishment increased upon perceiving Will help himself to a fine young turkey, stuffed with sausages, which he proceeded to dissect with anatomical ability, and by this time the company understanding the joke, he was allowed uninterruptedly to deposit it in his immense capacious receptacle, denominated by old Tat the fathomless vacuum. Hitherto the company had been so completely electrified by the extra-ordinary powers of the glutton, that astonishment had for a short time suspended the activity of appetite, as one great operation of nature will oftentimes paralyze the lesser affections of the body; but, as Will became satisfied, the remainder of the party, stimulated by certain compunctious visitings of nature, called cravings of the stomach, gave evident symptoms of ~103~~a very opposite nature: in vain the landlord stated his inability to produce more viands, he had no other provisions in the house, it was the sabbath-day, and the butchers' shops were shut, not a chop or a steak could be had: here Will feigned to join his affliction with the rest—he could have enjoyed a little snack more, by way of finish. This was the climax; the party, according to previous agreement, determined to proceed to the next inn to obtain a dinner; the landlord's remonstrance was perfectly nugatory; they all departed, leaving Tat and his man to settle with the infuriated host; and when the bill was brought in they refused to pay one sixpence more than the usual demand of three shillings each, repeating the landlord's own words, that peck high or peck low, it was all the same price."

With the first glass of wine came the inspiring toast of "The Ladies," to which Mr. Philotus Wantley demurred, not on account of the sex, for he could assure us he was a fervent admirer, but having studied the wise maxims of Pythagoras, and being a disciple of the Brahma school, abominators of flesh and strong liquors, he hoped to be excused, by drinking the ladies in aqua pura.—" Water is a monstrous drink for Christians!" said the alderman, "the sure precursor of coughs, colds, consumptions, agues, dropsies, pleurisies, and spleen. I never knew a water-drinker in my life that was ever a fellow of any spirit, mere morbid anatomies, starvelings and hypochondriacs: your water-drinkers never die of old age, but melancholy."—"Right, right, alderman," said Mr. Pendragon; "a cup of generous wine is, in my opinion, excellent physic; it makes a man lean, and reduces him to friendly dependence on every thing that bars his way: sometimes it is a little grating to his feelings, to be sure, but it generally passes off with an hic-cup. According to Galen, sir, the waters of Astracan breed worms in those who taste them; those ~104~~of Verduri, the fairest river in Macedonia, make the cattle who drink of them black, while those of Peleca, in Thessaly, turn every thing white; and Bodine states that the stuttering of the families of Aquatania, about Labden, is entirely owing to their being water-drinkers: a man might as well drink of the river Styx as the river Thames, 'Stygio monstrum conforme paludi,' a monstrous drink, thickened by the decomposition of dead Christians and dead brutes, and purified by the odoriferous introduction of gas water and puddle water, joined to a pleasant and healthy amalgamation of all the impurities of the common sewers.

'As nothing goes in so thick, And nothing comes out so thin, It must follow, of course, That no-thing can be worse, As the dregs are all left within.'"

"Very well, Mr. Pendragon, very well, indeed," said Mr. Galen Cornaro, an eccentric of the same school, but not equally averse to wine; "'temperance is a bridle of gold; and he who uses it rightly is more like a god than a man.' I have no objection to a cup of generous wine, provided nature requires it—but 'simple diet,' says Pliny, 'is best;' for many dishes bring many diseases. Do you know John Abernethy, sir? he is the manus dei of my idolatry. 'What ought I to drink?' inquired a friend of mine of the surgeon. 'What do you give your horse, sir?' was the question in reply. 'Water.' 'Then drink water,' said Abernethy. After this my friend was afraid to put the question of eatables, lest the doctor should have directed him to live on oats. 'Your modern good fellows,' continued John, 'are only ambitious of rivalling a brewer's horse; who after all will carry more liquor than the best of them.' 'What is good to assist a weak digestion?' said another patient. 'Weak food and warm clothing,' was the reply; 'not, 105~however, forgetting my blue pill.' When you have dined well, sleep well: wrap yourself up in a warm watch-coat, and imitate your dog by basking yourself at full length before the fire; these are a few of the Abernethy maxims for dyspeptic patients." I had heard much of this celebrated man, and was desirous of gleaning some more anecdotes of his peculiarities. With this view I laid siege to Mr. Galen Cornaro, who appeared to be well acquainted with the whims of the practitioner. "I remember, sir," said my informant, "a very good fellow of the name of Elliot, a bass-singer at the concerts and theatres of the metropolis; a man very much resembling John Abernethy in person, and still more so in manner; one who under a rough exterior carried as warm a heart as ever throbbed within the human bosom. Elliot had fallen ill of the jaundice, and having imbibed a very strong dislike to the name of doctor, whether musical or medical, refused the solicitations of his friends to receive a visit from any one of the faculty; to this eccentricity of feeling he added a predilection for curing every disease of the body by the use of simples, decoctions, and fomentations extracted from the musty records of old Culpepper, the English physician. Pursuing this principle, Elliot every day appeared to grow worse, and drooped like the yellow leaf of autumn in its sear; until his friends, alarmed for his safety, sent to Abernethy, determined to take the patient by surprise. Imagine a robust-formed man, sinking under disease and ennui, seated before the fire, at his side a table covered with phials and pipkins, and near him his vade mecum, the renowned Culpepper. A knock is heard at the door. 'Come in!' vociferates the invalid, with stentorian lungs yet unimpaired; and enter John Abernethy, not a little surprised by the ungraciousness of his reception. 'Who are you?' said Elliot in thorough-bass, just inclining his head half round to recognize his visitor, ~106~~without attempting to rise from his seat: Abernethy appeared astonished, but advancing towards his patient, replied, 'John Abernethy.'

'Elliot. Oh, the doctor!

'Abernethy. No, not the doctor; but plain John Abernethy, if you please.

'Elliot. Ay, my stupid landlady sent for you, I suppose.

'Abernethy. To attend a very stupid patient, it would appear.

'Elliot. Well, as you are come, I suppose I must give you your fee. (Placing the gold upon the table.)

'Abernethy (looking rather cross.) What's the matter with you?

'Elliot. Can't you see?

'Abernethy. Oh yes, I see very well; then tasting some of the liquid in the phials, and observing the source from whence the prescriptions had been extracted, the surgeon arrived at something that was applicable to the disease. Who told you to take this?

'Elliot. Common sense.

'Abernethy putting his fee in his pocket, and preparing to depart. Good day.

'Elliot (reiterating the expression.) Good day! Why, you mean to give me some advice for my money, don't you?

'Abernethy, with the door in his hand. Follow common sense, and you'll do very well.'

"Thus ended the interview between Abernethy and Elliot. It was the old tale of the stammerers personified; for the professional and the patient each conceived the other an imitator. On reaching the ground-floor the surgeon was, however, relieved from his embarrassment by the communication of the good woman of the house, who, in her anxiety to serve Elliot, had produced this extraordinary scene. Abernethy laughed heartily—assured her that the patient would do well—wrote a prescription for him—begged ~107~~he might hear how he proceeded—and learning he was a professional man, requested the lady of the mansion to return him his fee."

"Ay," said the alderman, "that was just like John Abernethy. I remember when he tapped poor Mrs. Marigold for the dropsy, he was not very tender, to be sure, but he soon put her out of her tortures. And when on his last visit I offered him a second twenty pound note for a fee, I thought he would have knocked me down; asked me if I was the fool that gave him such a sum on a former occasion; threw it back again with indignation, and said he did not rob people in that manner." No professional man does more generous actions than John Abernethy; only it must be after his own fashion.

"Come, gentlemen, the bottle stands still," said Mr. Pendragon, "while you are running through the merits of drinking. Does not Rabelais contend that good wine is the best physic?' because there are more old tipplers than old physicians.' Custom is every thing; only get well seasoned at the first start, and all the rest of life is a summer's scene. Snymdiris the

Sybarite never once saw the sun rise or set during a course of twenty years; yet he lived to a good old age, drank like a centaur, and never went to bed sober."

And when his glass was out, he fell Like some ripe kernel from its shell.

"I was once an anti-gastronomist and a rigid antisaccharinite; sugar and milk were banished from my breakfast-table, vegetables and puddings my only diet, until I almost ceased to vegetate, and my cranium was considered as soft as a custard; and curst hard it was to cast off all culinary pleasures, sweet reminiscences of my infancy, commencing with our first spoonful of pap, for all young protestants are papists; to this day my heart (like Wordsworth's) ~108~~overflows at the sight of a pap-boat—the boat a child first mans; to speak naughty-cally, as a nurse would say, how many a row is there in the pap-boat—how many squalls attend it when first it comes into contact with the skull! But I am now grown corpulent; in those days I was a lighter-man, and I believe I should have continued to live (exist) upon herbs and roots; but Dr. Kitchener rooted up all my prejudices, and overturned the whole system of my theory by practical illustrations.

"Thus he that's wealthy, if he's wise, Commands an earthly paradise; That happy station nowhere found, But where the glass goes freely round. Then give us wine, to drown the cares Of life in our declining years, That we may gain, if Heav'n think fitting, By drinking, what was lost by eating: For though mankind for that offence Were doom'd to labour ever since, Yet Mercy has the grape impower'd To sweeten what the apple sour'd."

To this good-humoured sally of Pendragon succeeded a long dissertation on meats, which it is not meet I should relate, being for the most part idle conceits of Mr. Galen Cornaro, who carried about him a long list of those prescribed eatables, which engender bile, breed the incubus, and produce spleen, until, according to his bill of fare, he had left himself nothing to subsist upon in this land of plenty but a mutton-chop, or a beef-steak. What pleased me most was, that with every fresh bottle the two disciples of Pythagoras and Abernethy became still more vehement in maintaining the necessity for a strict adherence to the theory of water and vegetable economy; while their zeal had so far blinded their recollection, that when the ladies returned from their walk to join us at tea, they were both "bacchi plenis," as Colman has it, something inclining from ~109~~a right line, and approaching in its motion to serpentine sinuosities. A few more puns from Mr. Pendragon, and another story from the alderman, about his friend, young Tattersall, employing Scroggins the bruiser, disguised as a countryman to beat an impudent Highgate toll-keeper, who had grossly insulted him, finished the amusements of the day, which Mrs. Marigold and Miss Biddy declared had been spent most delightfully, so rural and entertaining, and withal so economical, that the alderman was induced to promise he would not dine at home again of a Sunday for the rest of the summer. To me, at least, it afforded the charm of novelty; and if to my readers it communicates something of character, blended with pleasure in the perusal, I shall not regret my Sunday trip with the Marigold family and first visit to the

GATE HOUSE, HIGHGATE.



THE STOCK EXCHANGE.

~110~~

Have you ever seen Donnybrook fair? Or in a caveau spent the night? On Waterloo's plains did you dare To engage in the terrific fight? Has your penchant for life ever led You to visit the Finish or Slums, At the risk of your pockets and head? Or in Banco been fixed by the bums? In a smash at the hells have you been, When pigeons were pluck'd by the bone? Or enjoy'd the magnificent scene When our fourth George ascended his throne? Have you ever heard Tierney or Canning A Commons' division address? Or when to the gallery ganging, Been floor'd by a rush from the press? Has your taste for the fine arte impell'd You to visit a bull-bait or fight? Or by rattles and charleys propell'd, In a watch-house been lodged for the night? In a morning at Bow-street made one Of a group just to bother sage Birnie? Stood the racket, got fined, cut and run, Being fleeced by the watch and attorney? Or say, have you dined in Guildhall With the mayor and his corporate souls? Or been squeezed at a grand civic ball, With dealers in tallow and coals? Mere nothings are these, though the range Through all we have noticed you've been, When compared to the famed Stock Exchange, That riotous gambling scene.

~111~~

The unexpected Legacy—Bernard Blackmantle and Bob Transit visit Capel Court—Characters in the Stocks—Bulls, Bears and Bawds, Brokers, Jews and Jobbers—A new Acquaintance, Peter Principal—His Account of the Market—The Royal Exchange—Tricks upon Travellers—Slating a Stranger—The Hebrew Star and his Satellites—Dividend Hunters and Paragraph Writers—The New Bubble Companies—Project Extraordinary—Prospectus in Rhyme of the Life, Death, Burial, and Resurrection Company—Lingual Localisms of the Stock Exchange explained—The Art and Mystery of Jobbing exposed—Anecdotes of the House and its Members—Flying a Tile—Billy Wright's Brown Pony—Selling a Twister—A Peep into Botany Bay—Flats and Flat-catchers—The Rotunda and the Transfer Men—How to work the Telegraph—Create a Rise— Put on the Pot—Bang down the Market—And waddle out a Lame Duck.

A bequest of five hundred pounds by codicil from a rich old aunt had most unexpectedly fallen to my friend Transit, who, quite unprepared for such an overwhelming increase of good fortune, was pondering on the best means of applying this sudden acquisition of capital, when I accidentally paid him a visit in Half-moon Street. "Give me joy, Bernard," said Bob; "here's a windfall;" thrusting the official notice into my hand; "five hundred pounds from an old female miser, who during her lifetime was never known to dispense five farthings for any generous or charitable purpose; but being about to slip her wind and make a wind-up of her accounts, was kind enough to remember at parting that she had a poor relation, an ~112~~artist, to whom such a sum might prove serviceable, so just hooked me on to the tail end of her testamentary document and booked me this legacy, before she booked herself inside for the other world. And now, my dear Bernard," continued Bob, "you are a man of the world, one who knows

'What's what, and that's as high As metaphysic wit can fly.'

I am puzzled, actually bewildered what to do with this accumulation of wealth: only consider an eccentric artist with five hundred pounds in his pocket; why it must prove his death-warrant, unless immediate measures are taken to free him from its magical influence. Shall I embark it in some of the new speculations? the Milk company, or the Water company, the Flesh, Fish, or Fowl companies, railways or tunnel-ways, or in short, only put me in the right way, for, at present, I am mightily abroad in that respect." "Then my advice is, that you keep your money at home, or in other words, fund it; unless you wish to be made fun of and laughed at for a milksop, or a bubble merchant, or be taken for one of the Gudgeon family, or a chicken butcher, a member of the Poultry company, where fowl dealing is considered all fair; or become a liveryman of the worshipful company of minors (i.e. miners), where you may be fleeced a la Hayne, by legs, lawyers, bankers and brokers, demireps and contractors'; or, perhaps, you ~113~~will feel disposed to embark in a new company, of which I have just strung together a prospectus in rhyme: a speculation which has, at least, much of novelty in this country to recommend it, and equally interests all orders of society.

1 It is not surprising, we see, that lawyers, bankers, and brokers are found at the bottom of most of the new schemes. Their profits are certain, whatever the fate of the Gudgeon family. The brokers, in particular, have a fine harvest of it. Their charges being upon the full nominal amount of the shares sold, they get twice as much by transferring a single 100L. share in a speculation, although only 1L. may have been paid on it, as by the purchase or sale of 100L. consols, of which the price is 94L. Or, to make the matter plainer to the uninitiated, suppose an individual wishes to lay out 500L. in the stock-market. If he orders his broker to purchase into the British funds, the latter will buy him about 535L. three per cent, consols; and the brokerage, at one-eighth per cent, will be about 13s. But if the same person desires to invest the same sum in the stock of a new Mine or Rail-road company, which is divided into 100L. shares, on each of which say 1L. is paid, and there is a premium of 1L. (as is the case at this moment with a stock we have in our eye) his broker's account will then stand thus:—

Bought 250 shares in the —— Company.

First instalment of 1L. paid L250 0 0

Premium L. per share 250 0 0

500 0 0

Brokerage L per cent, on 25,000L. stock 62 10 0

562 10 0

Which will leave Mr. Adventurer to pay 62L. 10s. to his broker, and to pay 99L. more on each of his 250 shares, when the———company "call" for it!

Or, let us reverso the case, and suppose our speculator, having been an original subscriber for 100 shares in the —— company, and having consequently obtained them for nothing, wishes to sell, finding them at a premium of 6s. per share, and either fearing they may go lower, or not being able to pay even the first instalment called for by the directors. If he is an humble tradesman, he is perhaps eager to realise a profit obtained without labour, and hugs him-self at the idea of the hundred crowns and the hundred shillings he shall put into his pocket by this pleasant process. Away he posts to Cornhill, searches out a broker, into whose hands he puts the letter entitling him to the 100 shares, with directions to sell at the current premium. The broker takes a turn round 'Change, finds a customer, and the whole affair is settled in a twinkling, by an entry or two in the broker's memorandum-book, and the drawing of a couple of cheques. Our fortunate speculator, who is anxiously waiting at Batson's the return of his man of business, and spending perhaps 3s. 6d. in bad negus and tough sandwiches, on the strength of his good luck, is then presented with a draft on a banker for 5L. neatly folded up in a small slip of foolscap, containing the following satisfactory particulars:—

Sold 100 shares in the———company—nothing paid—prem. 6s. L30

Brokerage, 1/4 per cent, on 10,000L. stock 25

By cheque 5

He stares wildly at this document, utterly speechless, for five minutes, during which the broker, after saying he shall be happy to "do" for him another time, throws a card on the table, and exit. The lucky speculator wanders into 'Change with the account in his hand, and appeals to several Jews to know whether he has not been cheated: some abuse him for the insinuation against so "respectable" a man as Mr.——- the broker; others laugh in his face; and all together hustle him into the street. He goes home richer by 4L.. 16s. 6d. than when he went out, and finds that a wealthy customer, having called three times in his absence to give him a particular order, had just left the shop in a rage, swearing he would no longer encourage so inattentive a tradesman.— Examiner.



THE LIFE, DEATH, BURIAL, AND RESURRECTION COMPANY.

CAPITAL.—ONE HUNDRED MILLIONS SHARES.—ONE POUND.

~115~~

In this age of projectors, when bubbles are spread With illusive attractions to bother each head, When bulls, bears, jews, and jobbers all quit Capelcourt To become speculators and join in the sport, Who can wonder, when interest with intellect clashes, We should have a new club to dispose of our ashes; To rob death of its terrors, and make it delightful To give up your breath, and abolish the frightful Old custom of lying defunct in your shroud, Surrounded by relatives sobbing aloud? We've a scheme that shall mingle the "grave with the gay," And make it quite pleasant to die, when you may. First, then, we propose with the graces of art, Like our Parisian friends, to make ev'ry tomb smart; And, by changing the feelings of funeral terrors, Remove what remain'd of old Catholic errors. Our plan is to blend in the picturesque style Smirke, Soane, Nash, and Wyatville all in one pile. So novel, agreeable, and grateful our scheme, That death will appear like a sweet summer's dream; And the horrid idea of a gloomy, cold cell, Will vanish like vapours of mist from a dell.

~116

Thus changed, who'll object a kind friend to inhume, When his sepulchre's made like a gay drawing-room 1 A diversified, soothing commixture of trees, Umbrageous and fann'd by the perfumed breeze; With alcoves, and bowers, and fish-ponds, and shrubs, Select, as in life, from intrusion of scrubs; While o'er your last relics the violet-turf press Must a flattering promise afford of success. "Lie light on him, earth," sung a poet of old; Our earth shall be sifted, and never grow cold; No rude weight on your chest—how like ye our scheme {1} Where your grave will be warm'd by a process of steam, Which will boil all the worms and the grubs in their holes, And preserve from decay ev'ry part but your souls. Our cemetery, centred in fancy's domain, Shall by a state edict eternal remain To all parties open, the living or dead; Or christian, or atheist, here rest their head, In a picturesque garden, and deep shady grove, Where young love smiles, and fashion delighteth to rove. To render the visitors' comforts complete, And afford the grieved mourners a proper retreat, The directors intend to erect an hotel, Where a table d'hote will be furnished well; Not with the "cold meats of a funeral feast," But a banquet that's worthy a nabob at least; Of lachryma christi, and fine vin de grave, And cordial compounds, a choice you may have. Twice a week 'tis proposed to illumine the scene, And to waltz and quadrille on the velvety green; While Colinet's band and the Opera Corps Play and dance with a spirit that's quite con amore, A committee of taste will superintend The designs and inscriptions to each latter end.

~117~~

Take notice, no cross-bones or skulls are allowed, Or naked young cherubims riding a cloud; In short, no allusions that savour of death, Nor aught that reminds of a friend's parting breath. The inscriptions and epitaphs, elegies too, Must all be poetical, lively, and new; Such as never were heard of, or seen heretofore, To be written by Proctor, Sam. Rogers, or Moore. In lieu of a sermon, glee-singers attend, Who will chant, like the cherubims, praise without end. Three decent old women, to enliven the hours, Attend with gay garlands and sacred flowers, The emblems of grief—artificial, 'tis true, But very like nature in a general view. Lord Graves will preside, and vice-president Coffin Will pilot the public into the offing. The College of Surgeons and Humane Society Have promised to send a delightful variety. The Visitors all are physicians of fame; And success we may, therefore, dead certainty name. To the delicate nervous, who'd wish a snug spot, A romantic temple, or moss-cover'd grot, Let them haste to John Ebers, and look at the plan; Where the grave-book lies open, its merits to scan. Gloves, hatbands, and essence of onions for crying, White 'kerchiefs and snuff, and a cordial worth trying, The attendants have ready; and more—as time presses, No objection to bury you in fancy dresses. Our last proposition may frighten you much; We propose to reanimate all by a touch, By magic revive, if a century old, The bones of a father, a friend, or a scold. In short, we intend, for all—but a wife, To bring whom you please in a moment to life; That is, if the shares in our company rise,— If not 'tis a bubble, like others, of lies.

—Bernard Blackmantle.

~118~~The recitation of this original jeu d'esprit had, I found, the salutary effect of clearing my friend Transit's vision in respect to the speculation mania; and being by this time fully accoutred and furnished with the possibles, we sallied forth to make a purchase in the public funds. There is something to be gleaned from every event in this life, particularly by the eccentric who is in search of characteristic matter. I had recently been introduced to a worthy but singular personage in the city, Mr. Peter Principal, stock broker, of the firm of Hazard and Co.—a man whose probity was never yet called in question, and who, having realized a large property by the most honourable means, was continually selected as broker, trustee, and executor by all his acquaintance. To him, therefore, I introduced my friend Bob, who being instantly relieved from all his weighty troubles, and receiving in return the bank receipts, we proceeded to explore the regions of Pluto (i.e. the money market), attended by Peter Principal as our guide and instructor. On our entrance into Capel Court we were assailed by a motley group of Jews and Gentiles, inhabitants of Lower Tartary (i.e. Botany Bay{2}), who, suspecting we came there on business, addressed us in a jargon that was completely unintelligible either to Transit or myself. One fellow inquired if I was a bull,{3} and his companion wished to know if Transit was a bear{4}; another eagerly offered to give us five eighths, or sell us, at the same price, for the account'{5}; while a fourth thrust his

2 A place so named, without the Stock Exchange, where the lame ducks and fallen angels of Upper Tartary assemble when expelled the house, to catch a hint how the puff's and bangs succeed in the private gambling market; when if they can saddle their neighbour before he is up to the variation, it is thought good jobbing.

3 Persons that purchase with a view for a rise in the funds.

4 One who sells with a view to a fall in the price of stock.

5 A certain future day, fixed upon by the Committee of the Stock Exchange, for the settlement of time bargains—they are usually appointed at an interval of six weeks, and the price of stocks on this given day determines the speculator's gain or loss.

~119~~copper countenance into my face, and offered to do business with me at a fiddle.{6} "Tush, tush," said Peter Principal to the increasing multitude which now barred our passage, "we are only come to take a look, and watch the operation of the market." "Dividend hunters{7} I suppose," said a knowing looking fellow, sarcastically, "ear wigging{8}—Hey, Mr. Principal, something good for the pull out{9}? Well, if the gentlemen wish to put on the pot, although it be for a pony,{10} I'm their man, only a little rasping,{11} you know." To this eloquent appeal succeeded a similar application from a son of Israel, who offered to accommodate us in any way we wished, either for the call{l2} or put{13}; to which friendly offer little Principal put his direct negative, and, after innumerable

6 When a broker has got money transactions of any conse- sequence, as there is no risk in these cases, he will fiddle one finger across the other, signifying by this that the jobber must give up half the turn of the market price to him, which he pockets besides his commission.

7 Those who suppose by changing stock they get double interest, by receiving four dividends in one year instead of two; but in this they are deceived, as the jobber, when he changes stock, gains the advantage; for instance, if he buys consols at sixty, when he sells out there will be deducted one and a half per cent. for the dividend.

8 When bargains are done privately by a whisper, to conceal the party's being a bull.

9 Buying or selling for ready money.

10 Pony, 25,000L.

11 Giving greater turns to the jobbers than those regulated in the market.

12 Call. Buying to call more at one-eighth or one-fourth above the price on a certain day, if the buyer chooses, and the price is in his favour.

13 Put. Selling to put more to it on a certain day, at one-eighth or one-fourth under the market price.

~120~~attacks of this sort, we reached the upper end of the court, and found ourselves upon the steps which lead to the regions of Upper Tartary, (i.e.) the Stock Exchange. At this moment our friend Principal was summoned by his clerk to attend some antique spinster, who, having scraped together another hundred, had hobbled down to annex it to her previous amount of consols. "You must not attempt to enter the room by yourselves," said Principal; "but accompany me back to the Royal Exchange, where you can walk and wait until I have completed the old lady's job." While Principal was gone to invest his customer's stock, we amused ourselves with observing the strange variety of character which every where presents itself among the groups of all nations who congregate together in this arena of commerce. Perhaps a more fortunate moment for such a purpose could not have occurred: the speculative transactions of the times had drawn forth a certain portion of the Stock Exchange, gamblers, or inhabitants of Upper Tartary, who, like experienced sharpers of another description, never suffer a good thing to escape them. Capel Court was partially abandoned for exchange bubbles,{14} and new companies opened a new system of fraudulent enrichment for these sharks of the money market.

14 The speculative mania, which at this time raged with un- precedented violence among a large portion of his Majesty's liege subjects, gave the "John Bull" a glorious opportunity for one of their witty satires, in which the poet has very humorously described the

BUBBLES OF 1825.

Tune—"Run, neighbours, run."

Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous projects that amuse John Bull; Run, take a peep on 'Change, for anxious crowds beset us there, Each trying which can make himself the greatest gull. No sooner are they puff'd, than a universal wish there is For shares in mines, insurances in foreign loans and fisheries.

~121~~

No matter where the project lies, so violent the mania, In Africa, New Providence, Peru, or Pennsylvania! Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. Few folks for news very anxious at this crisis are, For marriages, and deaths, and births, no thirst exists; All take the papers in, to find out what the prices are Of shares in this or that, upon the broker's lists. The doctor leaves his patient—the pedagogue his Lexicon, For mines of Real Monte, or for those of Anglo-Mexican: E'en Chili bonds don't cool the rage, nor those still more romantic, sir, For new canals to join the seas, Pacific and Atlantic, sir. Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. At home we have projects too for draining surplus capital, And honest Master Johnny of his cash to chouse; Though t'other day, Judge Abbott gave a rather sharpish slap at all. And Eldon launched his thunder from the upper House. Investment banks to lend a lift to people who are undone— Proposals for Assurance—there's no end of that, in London; And one amongst the number, who in Parliament now press their Bills, For lending cash at eight per cent, on coats and inexpressibles. Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. No more with her bright pails the milkman's rosy daughter works, A company must serve you now with milk and cream; Perhaps they've some connexion with the advertising water-works, That promise to supply you from the limpid stream. Another body corporate would fain some pence and shillings get, By selling fish at Hungerford, and knocking up old Billingsgate: Another takes your linen, when it's dirty, to the suds, sir, And brings it home in carriages with four nice bits of blood, sir. Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull.

~122

When Greenwich coaches go by steam on roads of iron railing, sir, How pleasant it will be to see a dozen in a line; And ships of heavy burden over hills and valleys sailing, sir, Shall cross from Bristol's Channel to the Tweed or Tyne. And Dame Speculation, if she ever fully hath her ends, Will give us docks at Bermondsey, St. Saviour's, and St. Catherine's; While side long bridges over mud shall fill the folks with wonder, sir, And lamp-light tunnels all day long convey the Cocknies under, sir. Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. A tunnel underneath the sea, from Calais straight to Dover, sir, That qualmish folks may cross by land from shore to shore, With sluices made to drown the French, if e'er they would come over, sir, Has long been talk'd of, till at length 'tis thought a monstrous bore. Amongst the many scheming folks, I take it he's no ninny, sir, Who bargains with the Ashantees to fish the coast of Guinea, sir; For, secretly, 'tis known, that another brilliant view he has, Of lighting up the famous town of Timbuctoo with oil gas. Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. Then a company is form'd, though not yet advertising, To build, upon a splendid scale, a large balloon, And send up tools and broken stones for fresh Mac-Adamizing The new discover'd turnpike roads which cross the moon. But the most inviting scheme of all is one proposed for carrying Large furnaces to melt the ice which hems poor Captain Parry in; They'll then have steam boats twice a week to all the newly-seen land, And call for goods and passengers at Labrador and Greenland! Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull,

~123~~High 'Change was a subject full of the richest materials for my friend Bob, who, without knowing more of the characters than their exterior appearances of eccentricity and costume exhibited, proceeded to book, as he termed it, the leading features. Every now and then there was a rush to different parts of the arena, and an appearance of great anxiety among the crowd to catch the attention of a person who flourished a large parchment above their heads with all the pride and importance of a field marshal's baton. This was, I found, no other than the leading agent of some newly projected company, who took this method of indulging the subscribers with shares, or letting the fortunate applicants know how many of these speculative chances the committee had allowed them to possess. The return of little Principal afforded me a key to the surrounding group, without which their peculiar merits would have been lost to the world, or have remained individually unknown, like the profit of many of the modern speculations. "You must not suppose," said Principal, "that great talents make great wealth here, or that honourable conduct and generous feelings command respect—no such thing; men are estimated upon 'Change in proportion to the supposed amount of their property, and rise or fall in the worldly opinion of their associates as prosperity or adversity operates upon the barometer of their fortunate speculations; a lucky hit will cause a dolt to be pointed out as a clever fellow, when, the next turn of the market proving unsuccessful, he is despised and insulted: so much are the frequenters of 'Change influenced by the most sordid and mercenary feelings, that almost all of them are the willing dupes of riches and good fortune. However, as you are strangers here, gentlemen, I will introduce you, entre nous, to a few of the characters who thrive by the destruction of thousands of their fellow-creatures. The bashaw in black yonder, who rests his elephantic trunk against a pillar of the Exchange, with his hands thrust into his breeches pockets, is the Hebrew star—the Jewish luminary, a very Shiloh among the peoples of his own persuasion, and, I am sorry to say, much too potent ~124~~with the orthodox ministers of George the Fourth. The fellow's insolence is intolerable, and his vulgarity and ignorance quite unbearable. He commenced his career in Manchester by vending trinkets and spectacle-cases in the streets of that town, from which station he gradually rose to the important occupation of a dealer in fag ends, from which he ascended to the dignity of a bill-broker, when, having the command of money, and some wealthy Hebrew relatives conveniently distributed over the Continent for the transaction of business, he took up his abode in London, and towards the termination of the late war, when a terrible smash took place among some of his tribe, he found means to obtain their confidence, and having secured, by the aid of spies, the earliest foreign intelligence, he rapidly made a colossal fortune in the British funds, without much risk to himself. It is said he can scarcely write his own name, and it only requires a minute's conversation to inform you of the general ignorance of his mind; in short, he is one of Hazlitt's men, with only one idea, but that one entirely directed to the accumulation of gold. A few years since some of the more respectable members of the Stock Exchange, perceiving the thraldom in which the public funds of the country were held by the tricks and manouvres of the Jew party, determined to make a stand against them: among these was a highly respected member of parliament, a great sporting character, and a very worthy man. His losses proved excessive, but they were promptly paid. In order to weaken his credit, and, if possible, shake his confidence and insult his feelings, the Jew took an opportunity, during High 'Change, of telling him, 'Dat he had got his cote and vaistcote, and he should very soon have his shirt into de bargain:' in this prophecy, however, Mr. Mordecai was mistaken; for the market took a sudden turn, and the gentleman alluded to recovered all his losses in a short time, to the great discomfiture ~125~~of the high priest and the Jews. In private life he is equally abrupt and vulgar, as the following anecdote will prove, at his own table: A christian broker solicited some trifling favour, observing, he had granted what he then requested to another member of the house, who was his brother-in-law. 'Vary true, vary true,' said Solomon Gruff, as he is sometimes called, 'but then you do not shleep vid my shister, my boy; dat makes all de differance.' At present this fellow's influence is paramount at most of the courts of Europe, at some of which his family enjoy considerable honours; in short, he is the head of the locust tribe, and the leader of that class of speculators whom a witty writer has well described in the following lines, addressed to the landholders:

'The National Debt may be esteemed a mass Of filth which grows corrupter every day; And in this heap, as always comes to pass, Reptiles and vermin breed, exist, decay. 'Tis now so huge, that he must be an ass Who thinks it ever can be clear'd away: And the time's quickly coming, to be candid, When funded men will swallow up the landed. 'Then will these debt-bred reptiles, hungry vermin, Fed from the mass corrupt of which I spoke, Usurp your place. A Jew, a dirty German, Who has grown rich by many a lucky stroke, Shall rule the Minister, and all determined To treat your bitter sufferings as a joke. Said I, he shall! It will be nothing new; The Treasury now is govern'd by a Jew.'



The tall dandy-looking youth standing near the great man is a scion of the former head of the Hebrew family: his father possessed very superior talents, but was too much attached to splendid society to die rich; his banquets were often graced by royalty, and his liberality and honourable conduct proverbial, until misfortune produced a catastrophe that will not bear 126~repeating. The very name of the sire causes a feeling of dislike in the breast of the Colossus, and consequently the son is no partaker in the good things which the great man has to dispose of. The three tall Jews standing together are brothers, and all members of the Stock Exchange; their affinity to the high priest, more than their own talents, renders their fortunes promising. Observe the pale-faced genteel-looking man.on the right hand side of the arena—that is Major G—s, an unsuccessful speculator in the funds, but a highly honourable officer, who threw away the proceeds of his campaigns in the Peninsula among the sharks of the Stock Exchange and the lesser gamblers of St. James's: he has lately given to the world a sketch of his own life, under the assumed name of 'Ned Clinton, or the Commissary,' in which he has faithfully narrated scenes and characters. The little, jolly, fresh-coloured gentleman near him is Tommy B—h, a great speculator in the funds, a lottery contractor, and wine merchant, and quite at home in the tea trade. The immense fat gent behind him is called the dinner man and M. C. of Vaux hall, of which place Tommy B—h holds a principal share; his office is to write lyrics for the lottery, and gunpowder puffs for the Genuine Tea Company, paragraphs for Vauxhall, and spirited compositions in praise of spiritless wines: amid all these occupations it is no wonder, considering his bulk, that he invariably falls asleep before the dinner cloth is removed, and snores most mellifluously between each round of the bottle. The sharp-visaged personage to the left of him is the well known Count Bounce————-"—"Excuse me, Mr. Principal," said I, "but I happen to know that worthy well myself; that is, I believe, Sam Dixon, the coper of Barbican, a jobber in the funds, it would appear, as well as in horses, coaches, and chaises: of the last named article I have had a pretty good specimen from his emporium myself, ~127~~which, I must ever remember, was at the risk of my life.—"Do you observe that stout-looking gentleman yonder with large red whiskers, in a drab surtout, like a stage coachman? that is the Marquis of H—————-, one of the most fortunate gamblers (i.e. speculators) of the present day: during the war his lordship acquired considerable sums of money by acting on his priority of political information, his policy being to make one of the party in power, without holding office, and by this means be at liberty to act in the money market as circumstances required: among the roues of the west he has not been less successful in games of chance, until his coffers are crammed with riches; but it must be admitted he is liberal in his expenditure, and often-times generous to applicants, particularly sporting men, who seek his favours and assistance. The little club of sage personages who are mustered together comparing notes, in the corner of the Dutch Walk, are the paragraph-writers for the morning and evening press; very potent personages here, I assure you, for without their kind operation the public could never be gulled to any great extent. The most efficient of the group is the elegant-looking tall man who has just moved off to consult his patron, the Hebrew star, who gives all his foreign information exclusively to the Leviathan of the press, of which paper Mr. A—————-r is the representative. Next to him in importance, information, and talent, is the reporter for the Globe and Traveller, G————s M————e, a shrewd clever fellow, with considerable tact for business. Mr. F————y, of the Courier, stands near him on his left; and if he does but little with the stocks, he does that little well. The sandy-haired laddie with the high cheek bones and hawk-like countenance is M'C—————-h, of the Chronicle, but a wee bit of a wastrell in Stock Exchange affairs; and the mild-looking young gentleman who is in 128~conversation with him represents the mighty little man of the Morning Herald. The rest of the public prints are mostly supplied with Stock Exchange information by a bandy-legged Jew, a very Solomon in funded wisdom, who pens paragraphs at a penny a line for the papers, and puts into them whatever the projectors dictate, in the shape of a puff, at per agreement. The knot of swarthy-looking athletic fellows, many of whom are finger-linked together, and wear rings in their ears, are American captains, and traders from the shores of the Atlantic. That jolly-looking ruby-faced old gentleman in black, who is laughing at the puritanical tale of his lank brother, Alderman Shaw, is the celebrated grand city admiral, Sir W. Curtis, a genuine John Bull, considered worth a plum at least, and the author of a million of good jokes. Observe that quiet-looking pale-faced gentleman now crossing the arena: from the smartness of his figure and the agility with which he bustles among the crowd, you would suppose him an active young man of about five-and-twenty, while, in fact, about sixty summers have rolled over his head; such are the good effects of temperance, system, and attention to diet. Here he is known by the designation of Mr. Evergreen; a name, perhaps, affixed to him with a double meaning, combining in view the freshness of his age and his known attachment to theatricals, of which pursuits, as a recreation, he is devotedly fond. As a broker, lottery contractor, and a man of business, Mr. D——-1 stands No. One for promptitude, probity, and the strictest sense of honour; wealthy without pride, and learned without affectation, his company is eagerly sought for by a large circle of the literati of the day, with whom, from his anecdotal powers, he is in high repute: on stage affairs he is a living 'Biographia Dramatica,' and Charles Mathews, it is said, owes much of his present celebrity to the early advice and persevering friendship of this worthy man. The pair ~120~~of tall good-looking gentlemen on the French Walk are Messrs. J. and H———S***h, merchants in the city, and authors at the west end of the town: here they have recently been designated by the title of their last whimsical production, and now figure as Messrs. Gaiety and Gravity, cognomens by no means inapplicable to the temper, feeling, and talent of the witty brothers. But come," said Principal, "the 'Change is now becoming too full to particularize, and as this is settling day at the Stock Exchange, suppose we just walk across to the Alley, take a look at the market, and see how the account stands."—In passing down Saint Bartholomew Lane, accident threw in our way the respected chief magistrate of the city, John Garrett, Esq. of whose sire little Principal favoured us with some entertaining anecdotes.—"Old Francis Garrett, who began business in the tea trade without cash, but with great perseverance and good credit, cut up at his death for near four hundred thousand pounds, and left his name in the firm to be retained for seven years after his decease, when his posthumous share of the profits was to be divided among his grand-children. As he generally travelled for orders himself, he was proverbial for despatch; and has been known to call a customer up in the morning at four o'clock to settle his account, or disturb his repose in the night, if old Francis was determined to make a lamp of the moon, and pursue his route. A very humorous story is related of him. Arriving at Benson, near Henley, on a Sunday morning, just as his customer, a Mr. Newberry, had proceeded to Church, old Francis was very importunate to prevail upon the servant-maid to call him out, in order that he might proceed to Oxford that night: after much persuasion she was induced to accompany him to the church, to point out the pew where her master sat. At their entrance the eccentric figure of the tea-broker caused a general movement of recognition among the congregation; but Francis, 130~nothing abashed, was proceeding up the aisle with his cash instead of prayer-book in his hand, when his attention was arrested by the clergyman's text, 'Paul we know, and Silas we know, but who art thou?' The singular coincidence of the words, added to the authoritative style of the pastor, quite staggered Francis Garrett, who, however, quickly recovering, made a low bow, and then, in a true business-like style, proceeded to, apologize to the reverend and congregation for this seeming want of respect, adding he was only old Francis Garrett, of Thames-street, the tea broker, whom every body knew, come to settle a small account with his friend Mr. Newberry. The eccentricity of the man was notorious, and this, perhaps, better than the apology, induced the clergyman to overlook the offence; but the story will long be remembered by the good people of Benson, and never fail to create a laugh in the commercial room among the merry society of gentlemen travellers. The son, who has deservedly risen to the highest civic honours, is a worthy and highly honourable man, whose conduct since he has been elected lord mayor reflects great credit upon his fellow citizens' choice."—We had now mounted the steps which lead to the Stock Exchange, or, as Principal, who, though one among them, may be said not to be one of them, observed, we had arrived at the wolves' den, "the secret arcana of which place, with its curious intricacies and perplexing paradoxical systems and principles, I shall now," continued our friend, "endeavour to explain; from which exposition the public will be able to see the monster that is feeding on the vitals of the country, while smiling in its face and tearing at its heart, yet cherished by it, as the Lacedemonian boy cherished the wolf that devoured him. I am an enemy to all monopolies," said Principal, "and this is one of the worst the country is infested with. "A private or exclusive market, that is, a market ~131~~into which the public have not the liberty or privilege of either going to make, or to see made, bargains in their own persons, is one where the most sinister arts are likely to prevail. The Stock Exchange is of this description, and accordingly is one where the public are continually gulled out of their money by a system of the most artful and complicated traffic—a traffic calculated to raise the hopes of novices, to puzzle the wits of out-door speculators, and sure to have the effect of diminishing the property of those who are not members of the fraternity.{15}

"One of the principles of the Stock Exchange is, that the public assist against themselves, which is not the less true than paradoxical. It is contrary to the generally-received opinion that stocks should either be greatly elevated or depressed, without some apparent cause: it is contrary to natural inference that they should rise,—not from the public sending in to purchase, or to buy or sell, which however frequently happens. It follows, therefore, that the former is occasioned by the arts of the interested stock-jobbers, and the latter by out-door speculators, who have the market price banged down upon them by those whose business and interest it is to fleece them all they can. In the language of the Stock Exchange, you must be either a bull or a bear, a buyer or a seller: now as it is not necessary you should have one shilling of property in the funds to embark in this speculation, but may just as well sell a hundred thousand pounds of stock as one pound, according to the practice of time bargains, which is wagering contrary to law—so neither party can be compelled to complete their agreement, or to pay whatever the difference of the amount may be upon the stock when the account closes: all transactions

15 The mode of exchanging stock in France is in public. A broker stands in the situation of an auctioneer, and offers it to the best bidder.

~132~~are, therefore, upon honour; and whoever declines to pay his loss is posted upon a black board, declared a defaulter, shut out of the association, and called by the community a lame duck.

"It is not a little extraordinary, while the legislature and the judges are straining every nerve to suppress low gambling and punish its professors, they are the passive observers of a system pregnant with ten times more mischief in its consequences upon society, and infinitely more vicious, fraudulent, and base than any game practised in the hells westward of Temple Bar; but we are too much in the practice of gaping at a gnat and swallowing a camel, or the great subscription-houses, such as White's, Brooke's, and Boodle's, would not have so long remained uninterrupted in this particular, while the small fry that surround them, and which are, by comparison, harmless, are persecuted with the greatest severity. As there is a natural disposition in the human mind for gambling, and as it is visible to all the world that many men (cobblers, carpenters, and other labourers), by becoming stock-jobbers, are suddenly raised from fortunes of a few pounds to hundreds of thousands, therefore every falling shop-keeper or merchant flies to this disinterested seminary with the same hope: but the jobbers, perceiving their transactions interrupted by these persons intruding, in order to keep them at a distance, formed themselves into a body, and established a market composed of themselves, excluding every person not regularly known to the craft.{16} As the brokers found difficulty always to meet with people that would accommodate them either to buy or sell without waiting in the regular

16 An article in their by-laws expresses, that no new member shall be admitted who follows any other trade or business, or in any wise is subject to the bankrupt laws: at the same time it is curious to observe, that most of them are either soi-disant merchants or shopkeepers.

~133~~market in the Bank, to save themselves time they got accommodated among these gamblers in buying or selling as they wished; at the same time they gave the jobber one-eighth per cent, for such accommodation. As the loss was nothing to the broker, of course this imposition was looked over, because it saved his own time, and did not diminish his own commission.{17} It is clear, therefore, that the Stock Exchange is a self-constituted body, without any charter, but merely established at the will of the members, to the support of which a subscription is paid by each individual. They are ruled by by-laws, and judged by a committee, chosen from among themselves. This committee, as well as the members, are regularly re-balloted once in every year; of course no person is admitted within the walls of this house who does not regularly pay his subscription.

"In this way has the Stock Market been established and forced from its original situation by a set of jobbers and brokers, who are all, it will be seen, interested in keeping their transactions from the eye of the public. These men being always ready either to buy or sell, renders it easy for the brokers to get their business done, having no trouble but merely stepping into the Stock Exchange. If a broker wants to buy 5000L. stock, or any other sum, for a principal, the jobber will readily sell it, although perhaps possessing no part of it himself at the time, but will take his chance of other brokers coming to put him in possession of it, and may have to purchase the amount in two or three different transactions,{18} but in doing that he will take care to call the price lower than he sold at.{19}

17 If the system of the private market had tended to lessen the broker's commission, he would have gone or stood any where else to transact business for his principals.

18 This at present only applies to young beginners, but old jobbers, who have enjoyed the system long enough, have been put in pos-session of large fortunes, and are now enabled to buy into or sell out of their own names to the amount of hundreds of thousands.

19 Should other brokers not come into the market to sell to him, he is then obliged, at a certain hour of the day, to go among his brethren to get it at the most suitable price possible. This is sometimes the cause of a momentary rise, and what is known by the jobbers turning out bears for the day. A depression some-times takes place on the same principle when they are bulls for a future day, and cannot take stock.

~134~~After the stock is transferred from the seller to the buyer, instead of the money, he will write you a draft on his banker, although he has no effects to discharge the same till such time as he is put in possession of it also by the broker whom he sold it to; and it sometimes occurs, such drafts having to pass through the clearing-house,{20} the principal is not certain whether his money, is safe till the day following. In this way does the floating stock pass and repass through the Stock Exchange to and from the public, each jobber seizing and laying his hand on as much as he can, besides the eighth per cent. certain, which the established rule gives in their favour: the price frequently gives way, or rises much more to his advantage, which advantage is lost to the principals, and thrown into the pockets of middle men by the carelessness and indolence of the broker, who will not trouble himself in looking out for such persons as he might do business with in a more direct way.{21} When the Stock Market was more public, that is, when they admitted the public by paying sixpence a day, competitors for government loans were to be seen in numbers, which enabled ministers to make good bargains for the country{22};

20 A room situated in Lombard-street, where the banking clerks meet for the mutual exchange of drafts. The principal business commences at three o'clock in the afternoon, and the balances are paid and received at five o'clock.

21 Query,—When a broker has to buy and sell for two different principals, may he not act as a jobber also, and put the turns into his own pocket? In such cases the jobbers are convenient cloaks to disguise the transaction.

22 The loans taken by Boyd and Co., Goldsmidt, and others, were generally contracted for upon much better terms for the country than those taken by the Stock Exchange; but as they were contending against what is known by the interests of the house, they all were ruined in their turns, as the jobbers could always depreciate the value of stocks by making sales for time of that they did not possess.

135~but, since the establishment of the present private market, the stock-jobbers have been found to have so much power over the price of stocks, after loans had been contracted for, that real monied men, merchants, and bankers, have been obliged to creep in under the wings of this body of gamblers, and be satisfied with what portion of each loan this junto pleases to deal out to them."—In this way little Principal opened the secret volume of the Stock Exchange frauds, and exposed to our view the vile traffic carried on there by the flat-catchers of the money market. In ordinary cases it would be a task of extreme peril for a stranger to intrude into this sanctum sanctorum; but as our friend, the broker, was highly respected, we were allowed to pass through unmolested—a favour that will operate in suppressing our notice of certain characters whom we recognized within. It will, however, hardly be credited that in this place, where every man is by profession a gambler, and sharping is the great qualification, so much of their time is devoted to tricks and fancies that would disgrace a school-boy. Among these the most prominent is hustling a stranger; an ungenerous and unmanly practice, that is too often played off upon the unsuspecting, who have been, perhaps, purposely invited into the den for the amusement of the wolves. Another point of amusement is flying a tile, or slating a man, as the phrases of the Stock Exchange describe it. An anecdote is told of one of their own members which will best convey an idea of this trick. One who was ever foremost in slating his brothers, or kicking about a new castor, had himself just sported a new hat, but, with prudence which is proverbial among the craft, he would leave his new tile at the counting-house, ~136~~and proceed to the Stock Exchange in an old one kept for the purpose: this becoming known to some of the wags, members of the house, they despatched a note and obtained the new hat, which no sooner made its appearance in the house than it was thrown up for general sport; a joke in which none participated more freely than the unsuspecting owner, whose chagrin may be very well conceived, when, on his return to his counting-house from Capel-court, he discovered that he had been assisting in kicking his own property to pieces. Another trick of these wags is the screwing up a number of pieces of paper longitudinally with a portion of black ink inside them, and lying on the table before some person, whom they will endeavour to engage in serious conversation upon the state of the market, when it is ten to one if he does not roll some of these twisters between his fingers, and from agitation or deep thought on his approaching losses, or the risk of his speculations, blacken his fingers and his face, to the horse-laughical amusement of the by-standers. One of the best among the recent jokes my friend Bob has depicted to the life. (See Plate.) The fame of Mr. Wright's brown pony had often reached the ears of his brother brokers, but hitherto the animal himself was personally unknown: to obviate this difficulty, some sportive wight ascertained the stable where the old gentleman usually left his nag during the time he was attending the market, and by a well-executed forgery succeeded in bringing the pony to Capel-court, when, without further ceremony, he was introduced into the house during the high bustle of the market, to the no small amusement of the house and the utter astonishment of his owner.

There is a new Stock Exchange established in Capel-court, where a number of Jews, shopkeepers, and tradesmen assemble, and jobbers who have emigrated from their friends in the upper house, some ~137~~of whom have either been ducks, or have retired out of it on some honourable occasion; but as all is conducted upon honour in this traffic of gambling, these men also set up the principle of honour, on which they risk what has been honourably brought away from their honourable fellow labourers in the principal vineyard: these men stand generally in the Alley, and, hearing what is going on in the other market (as they speculate also upon the price established there), they will give advice to strangers who may be on the out-look to make, as they expect, a speedy fortune by dabbling in the stocks. If they find a person to be respectable, they will offer to do business with him on the principle of their brethren, and also exact the one-eighth per cent, as they do, trusting to his honour, that (although they do not know where he lives) he will appear on or before the settling day to balance the account, and pay or receive the difference.{23}

These jobbers speculate a great deal upon puts and calls, and will give a chance sometimes for a mere trifle. They have not, like the private market, the public generally to work upon, the by-laws in the Stock Exchange prohibiting any broker or jobber, being a regular member, from dealing with them, on pain of forfeiting his right to re-enter; but, notwithstanding, some of the brokers, and even the jobbers inside, will run all risks when there appears a good chance of getting a turn on the price in their favour: from this cause, however, the Alley, or New Stock Exchange jobbers, are obliged to gamble more directly with each other; consequently many get thrown to the leeward, and those who stand longest are generally such as have other resources from the trade or

23 There have many lately entered into gambling transactions with these gentlemen, and have taken the profit so long as they were right in their speculations; but as soon as a loss came upon them, knowing they have no black board, they walk themselves coolly away with what they get.

~138~~occupation they carry on elsewhere. From this place, called by the members of the house Lower Tartary, or Hell, the next step of degradation, when obliged to waddle out of the court, is the Rotunda of New Botany Bay. Here may be seen the private market in miniature; a crowd of persons calling themselves jobbers and brokers, and, of course, a market to serve any person who will deal with them; the same system of ear-wigging, nods, and winks, is apparent, and the same fiddling, rasping, and attempts at overreaching each other, as in Upper Tartary, or the Den; and of course, while they rasp and fiddle, their principals have to pay for the music: but as no great bargains are contracted here (these good things being reserved for a select few in the private market), the jobbers, who are chiefly of little note, are glad if they can pick up a few shillings for a day's job, by cutting out money stock for servants' and other people's small earnings. Here may be seen my lord's footman from the west end of the town, who is a great politician, and knows for a certainty that the stocks will be down; therefore he wants to sell out his 50L. savings, to get in at less: here also may be some other lord's footman, who has taken a different view of things, and wants to buy; and, although their respective brokers might meet each other, and transact business in a direct way, at a given price, notwithstanding they either do, or they pretend to have given the jobbers the turn,{24} that is, the one sold at one-eighth, and the other bought at one-fourth.—This market, as in the Alley, is ruled by the prices established in the private gambling market, which being the case, some will have messengers running to and from this market to see how the puffs and bangs proceed; and if they can saddle their neighbour before he knows the price is changed, it is thought good jobbing. From the Stock

24 Some act both as jobbers and brokers, and will charge a com-mission for selling their own stock.

~139~~Exchange to the Rotunda, every where, it will be perceived, a system of gambling and deception is practised upon the public, and the country demoralized and injured by a set of men who have no principle but interest, and acknowledge no laws but those of gain.



As this was settling-day, we had the gratification to observe one unfortunate howled out of the craft for having speculated excessively; and not being able or willing to pay his differences, he was compelled to waddle{25}; which he did, with a slow step and melancholy countenance, accompanied by the hootings and railings of his unfeeling tribe, as he passed down the narrow avenue from Upper Tartary, proclaimed to the lower regions and the world

A LAME DUCK

25 Those who become ducks are not what are termed true jobbers; they are those who either job or speculate, or are half brokers and half jobbers, and are left to pay out-door speculators' accounts; or if a jobber lend himself to get off large amounts of stock, in cases where the broker does not wish the house to know he is operating, he generally gives him an immediate advantage in the price in a private bargain; this is termed being such-a-one's bawd.



THE ISLE OF WIGHT.

~140~~

Garden of England! spangle of the wave! Loveliest spot that Albion's waters lave! Hail, beauteous isle! thou gem of perfumed green, Fancy's gay region, and enchantment's scone. Here where luxuriant Nature pours, In frolic mood, her choicest stores, Bedecking with umbrageous green And richest flowers the velvet scene, Begirt by circling ocean's swell, Enrich'd by mountain, moor, and dell; Here bright Hygeia, queen of Health, Bestows a gift which bankrupts wealth.

The Oxford Student—Reflections on the Close of a Term—The Invitation—Arrival at Southampton—Remarks—The Steam Boat— Advantages of Steam—Voyage to the Isle of Wight— Southampton Water—The Solent Sea and surrounding Scenery— Marine Villas, Castles, and Residences—West Cowes—Its Harbour and Attractions—The Invalid or the Convalescent— The Royal Yacht Club—Circular in Rhyme—Aquatic Sports considered in a National Point of Vieio—A Night on board the Rover Yacht—The Progress of Navigation—The Embarkation—The Soldier's Wife—Sketches of Scenery and Characters—Evening Promenaders—Excursions in the Island, to Ryde, Newport, Shanklin Chine, Bonchurch, the Needle Rocks—Descriptive Poetry—Morning, Noon, and Night— The Regatta—The Pilot's Review—The Race Ball—Adieu to Vectis.

The Oxford commemoration was just over, and the Newdigate laurels graced the brow of the victor; the ~l4l~~last concert which brings together the scattered forces of alma mater, on the eve of a long vacation, had passed off like the note of the cygnet; the rural shades of Christchurch Meadows were abandoned by the classic gownsmen, and the aquatic sons of Brazen-nose and Jesus had been compelled to yield the palm of marine superiority to their more powerful opponents, the athletic men of Exeter. The flowery banks of Isis no longer presented the attractive evening scene, when all that is beautiful and enchanting among the female graces of Oxford sport like the houris upon its velvet shores, to watch the prowess of the college youth: The regatta had terminated with the term; even the High Street, the usually well-frequented resort of prosing dons, and dignitaries, and gossiping masters of arts, bore a desolate appearance. Now and then, indeed, the figure of a solitary gownsman glanced upon the eye, but it was at such long and fearful intervals, and then, vision-like, of such short duration, that, with the closed oaks of the tradesmen, and the woe-begone faces of the starving scouts and bed-makers, a stranger might have imagined some ruthless plague had swept away, "at one fell swoop," two-thirds of the population of Rhedycina. It was at this dull period of time, that a poor student, having passed successfully the Scylla and Charybdis of an Oxonian's fears, the great go and little go, and exhausted by long and persevering efforts to obtain his degree, had just succeeded in adding the important academical letters to his name, when he received a kind invitation from an old brother Etonian to spend a few weeks with him in the Isle of Wight, "the flowery seat of the Muses," said Horace Eglantine, (the inviter), "and the grove of Hygeia; the delightful spot, above all others, best calculated to rub off the rust of college melancholy, engendered by hard reading, invigorate the studious mind, and divest the hypochrondriac of la maladie ~142~~imaginaire!'" "And where," said Bernard Blackmantle, reasoning within himself, "is the student who could withstand such an attractive summons? Friendship, health, sports, and pleasures, all combined in the prospective; a view of almost all the blessings that render life desirable; the charm that binds man to society, the medicine that cures a wounded spirit, and the cordial which reanimates and brightens the intellectual faculties of the philosopher and the poet; in short, the health-inspiring draught, without which the o'ercharged spirit would sink into earth, a prey to black despondency, or linger out a wearisome existence only to become a gloomy misanthrope, a being hateful to himself and obnoxious to all the world." With nearly as much alacrity as the lover displays when, on the wings of anticipated delight, he hastes to seek the beloved of his soul, did I, Bernard Blackmantle, pack up my portmanteau, and make the best of my way to Southampton, from which place the steam boat conveys passengers, morning and evening, to and from the island. Southampton has in itself very little worthy the notice of the lover of the characteristic and the humorous, at least that I discovered in a few hours' ramble. It is a clean well-built town, of considerable extent and antiquity, particularly its entrance gate, enlivened by numerous elegant shops, whose blandishments are equally attractive with the more fashionable magazines de modes of the British metropolis. The accommodations for visitors inclined to bathe or walk have been much neglected, and the vapours arising from its extended shores at low water are, in warm weather, very offensive; but the influx of strangers is, nevertheless, very great, from its being the port most eligible to embark from for either Havre de Grace, Guernsey, Jersey, or the Isle of Wight. The market here is accounted excellent, and from this source the visitors of Cowes are principally ~143~~supplied with fruit, fish, fowl, and delicacies. The steam boat is a new scene for the painter of real life, and the inquisitive observer of the humorous and eccentric. The facility it affords of a quick and certain conveyance, in defiance of wind and tide, ensures its proprietors, during the summer months, a harvest of success. Its advantages I have here attempted to describe in verse, a whim written during my passage; and this will account for the odd sort of measure adopted, which I attribute to the peculiar motion of the vessel, and the clanking of the engine; for, as everybody knows, poets are the most susceptible of human beings in relation to local circumstances.