SONG — PIRATE KING

KING: Oh, better far to live and die Under the brave black flag I fly, Than play a sanctimonious part With a pirate head and a pirate heart. Away to the cheating world go you, Where pirates all are well-to-do; But I'll be true to the song I sing, And live and die a Pirate King. For I am a Pirate King! And it is, it is a glorious thing To be a Pirate King! For I am a Pirate King! ALL: You are! Hurrah for the Pirate King! KING: And it is, it is a glorious thing To be a Pirate King. ALL: It is! Hurrah for the Pirate King! Hurrah for the Pirate King! KING: When I sally forth to seek my prey I help myself in a royal way. I sink a few more ships, it's true, Than a well-bred monarch ought to do; But many a king on a first-class throne, If he wants to call his crown his own, Must manage somehow to get through More dirty work than e'er I do, For I am a Pirate King! And it is, it is a glorious thing To be a Pirate King! For I am a Pirate King! ALL: You are! Hurrah for the Pirate King! KING: And it is, it is a glorious thing To be a Pirate King. ALL: It is! Hurrah for the Pirate King! Hurrah for the Pirate King!

(Exeunt all except FREDERIC. Enter RUTH.)

RUTH: Oh, take me with you! I cannot live if I am left behind. FREDERIC: Ruth, I will be quite candid with you. You are very dear to me, as you know, but I must be circumspect. You see, you are considerably older than I. A lad of twenty-one usually looks for a wife of seventeen. RUTH: A wife of seventeen! You will find me a wife of a thousand! FREDERIC: No, but I shall find you a wife of forty-seven, and that is quite enough. Ruth, tell me candidly and without reserve: compared with other women, how are you? RUTH: I will answer you truthfully, master: I have a slight cold, but otherwise I am quite well. FREDERIC: I am sorry for your cold, but I was referring rather to your personal appearance. Compared with other women, are you beautiful? RUTH: (bashfully) I have been told so, dear master. FREDERIC: Ah, but lately? RUTH: Oh, no; years and years ago. FREDERIC: What do you think of yourself? RUTH: It is a delicate question to answer, but I think I am a fine woman. FREDERIC: That is your candid opinion? RUTH: Yes, I should be deceiving you if I told you otherwise. FREDERIC: Thank you, Ruth. I believe you, for I am sure you would not practice on my inexperience. I wish to do the right thing, and if- I say if- you are really a fine woman, your age shall be no obstacle to our union! (Shakes hands with her. Chorus of girls heard in the distance, "climbing over rocky mountain," etc.) Hark! Surely I hear voices! Who has ventured to approach our all but inaccessible lair? Can it be Custom House? No, it does not sound like Custom House. RUTH: (aside) Confusion! it is the voices of young girls! If he should see them I am lost. FREDERIC: (looking off) By all that's marvellous, a bevy of beautiful maidens! RUTH: (aside) Lost! lost! lost! FREDERIC: How lovely, how surpassingly lovely is the plainest of them! What grace- what delicacy- what refinement! And Ruth— Ruth told me she was beautiful!

RECITATIVE

FREDERIC: Oh, false one, you have deceived me! RUTH: I have deceived you? FREDERIC: Yes, deceived me! (Denouncing her.) FREDERIC: You told me you were fair as gold! RUTH: (wildly) And, master, am I not so? FREDERIC: And now I see you're plain and old. RUTH: I'm sure I'm not a jot so. FREDERIC: Upon my innocence you play. RUTH: I'm not the one to plot so. FREDERIC: Your face is lined, your hair is grey. RUTH: It's gradually got so. FREDERIC: Faithless woman, to deceive me, I who trusted so! RUTH: Master, master, do not leave me! Hear me, ere you go! My love without reflecting, Oh, do not be rejecting! Take a maiden tender, her affection raw and green, At very highest rating, Has been accumulating Summers seventeen, summers seventeen. Don't, beloved master, Crush me with disaster. What is such a dower to the dower I have here? My love unabating Has been accumulating Forty-seven year—forty-seven year!

ENSEMBLE

RUTH FREDERIC

Don't, beloved master, Yes, your former master Crush me with disaster. Saves you from disaster. What is such a dower to the Your love would be uncomfortably dower I have here fervid, it is clear My love unabating If, as you are stating Has been accumulating It's been accumulating Forty-seven year, forty-seven Forty-seven year—forty-seven year! year! Faithless woman to deceive me, I who trusted so! Master, master, do not leave Faithless woman to deceive me, I me, hear me, ere I go! who trusted so!

RECIT—FREDERIC

What shall I do? Before these gentle maidens I dare not show in this alarming costume! No, no, I must remain in close concealment Until I can appear in decent clothing!

(Hides in cave as they enter climbing over the rocks and through arched rock)

GIRLS: Climbing over rocky mountain, Skipping rivulet and fountain, Passing where the willows quiver, Passing where the willows quiver By the ever-rolling river, Swollen with the summer rain, the summer rain Threading long and leafy mazes Dotted with unnumbered daisies, Dotted, dotted with unnumbered daisies, Scaling rough and rugged passes, Climb the hardy little lasses, Till the bright sea-shore they gain; Scaling rough and rugged passes, Climb the hardy little lasses, Till the bright sea-shore they gain!

EDITH: Let us gaily tread the measure, Make the most of fleeting leisure, Hail it as a true ally, Though it perish by-and-by.

GIRLS: Hail it as a true ally, Though it perish by-and-by.

EDITH: Every moment brings a treasure Of its own especial pleasure; Though the moments quickly die, Greet them gaily as they fly, Greet them gaily as they fly.

GIRLS: Though the moments quickly die, Greet them gaily as they fly.

KATE: Far away from toil and care, Revelling in fresh sea-air, Here we live and reign alone In a world that's all our own. Here, in this our rocky den, Far away from mortal men, We'll be queens, and make decrees— They may honour them who please.

GIRLS: We'll be queens, and make decrees— They may honour them who please. Let us gaily tread the measure, etc.

KATE: What a picturesque spot! I wonder where we are! EDITH: And I wonder where Papa is. We have left him ever so far behind. ISABEL: Oh, he will be here presently! Remember poor Papa is not as young as we are, and we came over a rather difficult country. KATE: But how thoroughly delightful it is to be so entirely alone! Why, in all probability we are the first human beings who ever set foot on this enchanting spot. ISABEL: Except the mermaids—it's the very place for mermaids. KATE: Who are only human beings down to the waist— EDITH: And who can't be said strictly to set foot anywhere. Tails they may, but feet they cannot. KATE: But what shall we do until Papa and the servants arrive with the luncheon? EDITH: We are quite alone, and the sea is as smooth as glass. Suppose we take off our shoes and stockings and paddle? ALL: Yes, yes! The very thing! (They prepare to carry, out the suggestion. They have all taken off one shoe, when FREDERIC comes forward from cave.)

FREDERIC: (recitative). Stop, ladies, pray! GIRLS: (Hopping on one foot) A man! FREDERIC: I had intended Not to intrude myself upon your notice In this effective but alarming costume; But under these peculiar circumstances, It is my bounden duty to inform you That your proceedings will not be unwitnessed! EDITH: But who are you, sir? Speak! (All hopping) FREDERIC: I am a pirate! GIRLS: (recoiling, hopping) A pirate! Horror! FREDERIC: Ladies, do not shun me! This evening I renounce my vile profession; And, to that end, O pure and peerless maidens! Oh, blushing buds of ever-blooming beauty! I, sore at heart, implore your kind assistance. EDITH: How pitiful his tale! KATE: How rare his beauty GIRLS: How pitiful his tale! How rare his beauty!

SONG—FREDERIC

Oh, is there not one maiden breast Which does not feel the moral beauty Of making worldly interest Subordinate to sense of duty?

Who would not give up willingly All matrimonial ambition, To rescue such a one as I From his unfortunate position? From his position, To rescue such an one as I From his unfortunate position?

GIRLS: Alas! there's not one maiden breast Which seems to feel the moral beauty Of making worldly interest Subordinate to sense of duty!

FREDERIC: Oh, is there not one maiden here Whose homely face and bad complexion Have caused all hope to disappear Of ever winning man's affection? Of such a one, if such there be, I swear by Heaven's arch above you, If you will cast your eyes on me, However plain you be, I'll love you, However plain you be, If you will cast your eyes on me, However plain you be I'll love you, I'll love you, I'll love, I'll love you!

GIRLS: Alas! there's not one maiden here Whose homely face and bad complexion Have caused all hope to disappear Of ever winning man's affection!

FREDERIC: (in despair) Not one? GIRLS: No, no— not one! FREDERIC: Not one? GIRLS: No, no! MABEL: (enters through arch) Yes, one! Yes, one! GIRLS: 'Tis Mabel! MABEL: Yes, 'tis Mabel!

RECIT—MABEL

Oh, sisters, deaf to pity's name, For shame! It's true that he has gone astray, But pray Is that a reason good and true Why you Should all be deaf to pity's name?

GIRLS: (aside): The question is, had he not been A thing of beauty, Would she be swayed by quite as keen A sense of duty?

MABEL: For shame, for shame, for shame!

SONG—MABEL

MABEL: Poor wand'ring one! Though thou hast surely strayed, Take heart of grace, Thy steps retrace, Poor wand'ring one! Poor wand'ring one! If such poor love as mine Can help thee find True peace of mind- Why, take it, it is thine!

GIRLS: Take heart, no danger low'rs; Take any heart but ours!

MABEL: Take heart, fair days will shine; Take any heart—take mine!

GIRLS: Take heart; no danger low'rs; Take any heart-but ours!

MABEL: Take heart, fair days will shine; Take any heart—take mine! Poor wand'ring one!, etc.

(MABEL and FREDERIC go to mouth of cave and converse. EDITH beckons her sisters, who form a semicircle around her.)

EDITH

What ought we to do, Gentle sisters, say? Propriety, we know, Says we ought to stay; While sympathy exclaims, "Free them from your tether— Play at other games— Leave them here together."

KATE

Her case may, any day, Be yours, my dear, or mine. Let her make her hay While the sun doth shine. Let us compromise (Our hearts are not of leather): Let us shut our eyes And talk about the weather.

GIRLS: Yes, yes, let's talk about the weather.

Chattering chorus

How beautifully blue the sky, The glass is rising very high, Continue fine I hope it may, And yet it rained but yesterday. To-morrow it may pour again (I hear the country wants some rain), Yet people say, I know not why, That we shall have a warm July. To-morrow it may pour again (I hear the country wants some rain), Yet people say, I know not why, That we shall have a warm July.

Enter MABEL and FREDERIC

.During MABEL's solo the GIRLS continue chatter pianissimo, but listening eagerly all the time.

SOLO—MABEL

Did ever maiden wake From dream of homely duty, To find her daylight break With such exceeding beauty? Did ever maiden close Her eyes on waking sadness, To dream of such exceeding gladness?

FREDERIC: Ah, yes! ah, yes! this is exceeding gladness GIRLS: How beautifully blue the sky, etc.

SOLO—FREDERIC

.During this, GIRLS continue their chatter pianissimo as before, but listening intently all the time.

Did ever pirate roll His soul in guilty dreaming, And wake to find that soul With peace and virtue beaming?

ENSEMBLE

FREDERIC MABEL GIRLS

Did ever pirate Did ever maiden wake How beautifully blue loathed From dream of homely the sky, etc. Forsake his hideous duty, mission To find her daylight To find himself break betrothed With such exceeding To lady of position? beauty?

RECIT—FREDERIC

Stay, we must not lose our senses; Men who stick at no offences Will anon be here! Piracy their dreadful trade is; Pray you, get you hence, young ladies, While the coast is clear (FREDERIC and MABEL retire)

GIRLS: No, we must not lose our senses, If they stick at no offences We should not be here! Piracy their dreadful trade is— Nice companions for young ladies! Let us disap—.

(During this chorus the PIRATES have entered stealthily, and formed in a semicircle behind the GIRLS. As the GIRLS move to go off, each PIRATE seizes a GIRL. KING seizes EDITH and ISABEL, SAMUEL seizes KATE.)

GIRLS: Too late! PIRATES: Ha, ha! GIRLS: Too late! PIRATES: Ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho!

ENSEMBLE

(Pirates pass in front of (Girls pass in front of Girls.) Pirates.)

PIRATES GIRLS

Here's a first-rate opportunity We have missed our opportunity To get married with impunity, Of escaping with impunity; And indulge in the felicity So farewell to the felicity Of unbounded domesticity. Of our maiden domesticity! You shall quickly be We shall quickly be parsonified, parsonified, Conjugally matrimonified, Conjugally matrimonified, By a doctor of divinity By a doctor of divinity, Who is located in this Who is located in this vicinity. vicinity. By a doctor of divinity, By a doctor of divinity, Who resides in this vicinity, Who resides in this vicinity, By a doctor, a doctor, a doctor By a doctor, a doctor, a doctor of divinity, of divinity. of divinity, of divinity.

RECIT

MABEL: (coming forward) Hold, monsters! Ere your pirate caravanserai Proceed, against our will, to wed us all, Just bear in mind that we are Wards in Chancery, And father is a Major-General!

SAMUEL: (cowed) We'd better pause, or danger may befall, Their father is a Major-General.

GIRLS: Yes, yes; he is a Major-General!

(The MAJOR-GENERAL has entered unnoticed, on the rock)

GENERAL: Yes, yes, I am a Major-General! SAMUEL: For he is a Major-General! ALL: He is! Hurrah for the Major-General! GENERAL: And it is, it is a glorious thing To be a Major-General! ALL: It is! Hurrah for the Major-General! Hurrah for the Major-General!

SONG—MAJOR-GENERAL

I am the very model of a modern Major-General, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral, I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical; I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical, I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical, About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news, With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

ALL: With many cheerful facts, etc.

GENERAL: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus; I know the scientific names of beings animalculous: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

GENERAL: I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's; I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox, I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus, In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous; I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies, I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanes! Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore, And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.

ALL: And whistle all the airs, etc.

GENERAL: Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform, And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

GENERAL: In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin", When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin, When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at, And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat", When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery, When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery- - In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy, You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.

ALL: You'll say a better Major-General, etc.

GENERAL: For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury, Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century; But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL: But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

GENERAL: And now that I've introduced myself, I should like to have some idea of what's going on. KATE: Oh, Papa— we—- SAMUEL: Permit me, I'll explain in two words: we propose to marry your daughters. GENERAL: Dear me! GIRLS: Against our wills, Papa—against our wills! GENERAL: Oh, but you mustn't do that! May I ask— this is a picturesque uniform, but I'm not familiar with it. What are you? KING: We are all single gentlemen. GENERAL: Yes, I gathered that. Anything else? KING: No, nothing else. EDITH: Papa, don't believe them; they are pirates— the famous Pirates of Penzance! GENERAL: The Pirates of Penzance! I have often heard of them. MABEL: All except this gentleman (indicating FREDERIC), who was a pirate once, but who is out of his indentures to- day, and who means to lead a blameless life evermore. GENERAL: But wait a bit. I object to pirates as sons-in-law. KING: We object to major-generals as fathers-in-law. But we waive that point. We do not press it. We look over it. GENERAL: (aside) Hah! an idea! (aloud) And do you mean to say that you would deliberately rob me of these, the sole remaining props of my old age, and leave me to go through the remainder of my life unfriended, unprotected, and alone? KING: Well, yes, that's the idea. GENERAL: Tell me, have you ever known what it is to be an orphan? PIRATES: (disgusted) Oh, dash it all! KING: Here we are again! GENERAL: I ask you, have you ever known what it is to be an orphan? KING: Often! GENERAL: Yes, orphan. Have you ever known what it is to be one? KING: I say, often. ALL: (disgusted) Often, often, often. (Turning away) GENERAL: I don't think we quite understand one another. I ask you, have you ever known what it is to be an orphan, and you say "orphan". As I understand you, you are merely repeating the word "orphan" to show that you understand me. KING: I didn't repeat the word often. GENERAL: Pardon me, you did indeed. KING: I only repeated it once. GENERAL: True, but you repeated it. KING: But not often. GENERAL: Stop! I think I see where we are getting confused. When you said "orphan", did you mean "orphan",a person who has lost his parents, or "often", frequently? KING: Ah! I beg pardon— I see what you mean — frequently. GENERAL: Ah! you said "often", frequently. KING: No, only once. GENERAL: (irritated) Exactly— you said "often", frequently, only once.

FINALE OF ACT I

GENERAL: Oh, men of dark and dismal fate, Forgo your cruel employ, Have pity on my lonely state, I am an orphan boy! KING/SAMUEL: An orphan boy? GENERAL: An orphan boy! PIRATES: How sad, an orphan boy.

GENERAL: These children whom you see Are all that I can call my own! PIRATES: Poor fellow! GENERAL: Take them away from me, And I shall be indeed alone. PIRATES: Poor fellow! GENERAL: If pity you can feel, Leave me my sole remaining joy— See, at your feet they kneel; Your hearts you cannot steel Against the sad, sad tale of the lonely orphan boy! PIRATES: (sobbing) Poor fellow! See at our feet they kneel; Our hearts we cannot steel Against the sad, sad tale of the lonely orphan boy! SAMUEL: The orphan boy! add KING: The orphan boy! See at our feet they kneel; Our hearts we cannot steel Against the tale of the lonely orphan boy! PIRATES: Poor fellow!

ENSEMBLE

GENERAL (aside) GIRLS (aside) PIRATES (aside)

I'm telling a terrible He is telling a terrible If he's telling a story story, terrible story But it doesn't diminish Which will tend to He shall die by a death my glory; diminish his that is gory For they would have glory; Yes, one of the taken my daughters Though they would have cruellest Over the billowy waters, taken his slaughters daughters That ever were known in Over the billowy waters, these waters; If I hadn't, in elegant It is easy, in elegant It is easy, in elegant diction, diction. diction, Indulged in an innocent To call it an innocent To call it an innocent fiction, fiction, fiction Which is not in the same But it comes in the same But it comes in the same category category category As a regular terrible As telling a regular As telling a regular story. terrible story. terrible story.

KING: Although our dark career Sometimes involves the crime of stealing, We rather think that we're Not altogether void of feeling. Although we live by strife, We're always sorry to begin it, For what, we ask, is life Without a touch of Poetry in it? (all kneel)

ALL: Hail, Poetry, thou heav'n-born maid! Thou gildest e'en the pirate's trade. Hail, flowing fount of sentiment! All hail, all hail, divine emollient! (all rise)

KING: You may go, for you're at liberty, our pirate rules protect you, And honorary members of our band we do elect you! SAMUEL: For he is an orphan boy! CHORUS: He is! Hurrah for the orphan boy! GENERAL: And it sometimes is a useful thing To be an orphan boy. CHORUS: It is! Hurrah for the orphan boy! Hurrah for the orphan boy! ENSEMBLE: Oh, happy day, with joyous glee They will away and married be! Should it befall auspiciously, Her (Our) sisters all will bridesmaids be!

(RUTH enters and comes down to FREDERIC)

RUTH: Oh, master, hear one word, I do implore you! Remember Ruth, your Ruth, who kneels before you! PIRATES: Yes, yes, remember Ruth, who kneels before you! FREDERIC: Away, you did deceive me! PIRATES: (Threatening RUTH) Away, you did deceive him! RUTH: Oh, do not leave me! PIRATES: Oh, do not leave her! FREDERIC: Away, you grieve me! PIRATES: Away, you grieve him! FREDERIC: I wish you'd leave me! (FREDERIC casts RUTH from him) PIRATES: We wish you'd leave him!

ENSEMBLE

MEN WOMEN

Pray observe the magnanimity Pray observe the magnanimity We display to lace and dimity! They display to lace and dimity! Never was such opportunity Never was such opportunity To get married with impunity, To get married with impunity, But we give up the felicity But they give up the felicity Of unbounded domesticity, Of unbounded domesticity, Though a doctor of divinity Though a doctor of divinity Is located in this vicinity. Is located in this vicinity.

(GIRLS and MAJOR-GENERAL go up rocks, while PIRATES indulge in a wild dance of delight on stage. The MAJOR-GENERAL produces a British flag, and the PIRATE KING, in arched rock, produces a black flag with skull and crossbones. Enter RUTH, who makes a final appeal to FREDERIC, who casts her from him.)

END OF ACT I



ACT II

(Scene.-A ruined chapel by moonlight. Aisles C., R. and L., divided by pillars and arches, ruined Gothic windows at back. MAJOR-GENERAL STANLEY discovered seated R.C. pensively, surrounded by his daughters.)

CHORUS

Oh, dry the glist'ning tear That dews that martial cheek, Thy loving children hear, In them thy comfort seek. With sympathetic care Their arms around thee creep, For oh, they cannot bear To see their father weep!

(Enter MABEL)

SOLO—MABEL

Dear father, why leave your bed At this untimely hour, When happy daylight is dead, And darksome dangers low'r? See, heav'n has lit her lamp, The midnight hour is past, And the chilly night-air is damp, And the dews are falling fast! Dear father, why leave your bed When happy daylight is dead?

GIRLS: Oh, dry the glist'ning tear, etc.

(FREDERIC enters)

MABEL: Oh, Frederic, cannot you, in the calm excellence of your wisdom, reconcile it with your conscience to say something that will relieve my father's sorrow? FREDERIC: I will try, dear Mabel. But why does he sit, night after night, in this draughty old ruin? GENERAL: Why do I sit here? To escape from the pirates' clutches, I described myself as an orphan; and, heaven help me, I am no orphan! I come here to humble myself before the tombs of my ancestors, and to implore their pardon for having brought dishonour on the family escutcheon. FREDERIC: But you forget, sir, you only bought the property a year ago, and the stucco on your baronial castle is scarcely dry. GENERAL: Frederic, in this chapel are ancestors: you cannot deny that. With the estate, I bought the chapel and its contents. I don't know whose ancestors they were, but I know whose ancestors they are, and I shudder to think that their descendant by purchase (if I may so describe myself) should have brought disgrace upon what, I have no doubt, was an unstained escutcheon. FREDERIC: Be comforted. Had you not acted as you did, these reckless men would assuredly have called in the nearest clergyman, and have married your large family on the spot. GENERAL: I thank you for your proffered solace, but it is unavailing. I assure you, Frederic, that such is the anguish and remorse I feel at the abominable falsehood by which I escaped these easily deluded pirates, that I would go to their simple-minded chief this very night and confess all, did I not fear that the consequences would be most disastrous to myself. At what time does your expedition march against these scoundrels? FREDERIC: At eleven, and before midnight I hope to have atoned for my involuntary association with the pestilent scourges by sweeping them from the face of the earth— and then, dear Mabel, you will be mine! GENERAL: Are your devoted followers at hand? FREDERIC: They are, they only wait my orders.

RECIT—GENERAL

Then, Frederic, let your escort lion-hearted Be summoned to receive a gen'ral's blessing, Ere they depart upon their dread adventure.

FREDERIC: Dear, sir, they come.

(Enter POLICE, marching in single file. They form in line, facing audience.)

SONG—SERGEANT

When the foeman bares his steel, Tarantara! tarantara! We uncomfortable feel, Tarantara! And we find the wisest thing, Tarantara! tarantara! Is to slap our chests and sing, Tarantara! For when threatened with -meutes, Tarantara! tarantara! And your heart is in your boots, Tarantara! There is nothing brings it round Like the trumpet's martial sound, Like the trumpet's martial sound Tarantara! tarantara!, etc.

MABEL: Go, ye heroes, go to glory, Though you die in combat gory, Ye shall live in song and story. Go to immortality! Go to death, and go to slaughter; Die, and every Cornish daughter With her tears your grave shall water. Go, ye heroes, go and die!

GIRLS: Go, ye heroes, go and die! Go, ye heroes, go and die!

POLICE: Though to us it's evident, Tarantara! tarantara! These attentions are well meant, Tarantara! Such expressions don't appear, Tarantara! tarantara! Calculated men to cheer Tarantara! Who are going to meet their fate In a highly nervous state. Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara! Still to us it's evident These attentions are well meant. Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara!

EDITH: Go and do your best endeavour, And before all links we sever, We will say farewell for-ever. Go to glory and the grave!

GIRLS: For your foes are fierce and ruthless, False, unmerciful, and truthless; Young and tender, old and toothless, All in vain their mercy crave.

SERGEANT: We observe too great a stress, On the risks that on us press, And of reference a lack To our chance of coming back. Still, perhaps it would be wise Not to carp or criticise, For it's very evident These attentions are well meant.

POLICE: Yes, it's very evident These attentions are well meant, Evident, yes, well meant, evident Ah, yes, well meant!

ENSEMBLE

Chorus of all but Police Chorus of Police

Go and do your best endeavour, Such expressions don't appear, And before all links we sever Tarantara, tarantara! We will say farewell for ever. Calculated men to cheer, Go to glory and the grave! Tarantara! For your foes and fierce and Who are going to their fate, ruthless, Tarantara, tarantara! False, unmerciful, and In a highly nervous state— truthless. Tarantara! Young and tender, old and We observe too great a stress, toothless, Tarantara, tarantara! All in vain their mercy crave. On the risks that on us press, Tarantara! And of reference a lack, Tarantara, tarantara! To our chance of coming back, Tarantara!

GENERAL: Away, away! POLICE: (without moving) Yes, yes, we go. GENERAL: These pirates slay. POLICE: Tarantara! GENERAL: Then do not stay. POLICE: Tarantara! GENERAL: Then why this delay? POLICE: All right, we go. ALL: Yes, forward on the foe! Yes, forward on the foe! GENERAL: Yes, but you don't go! POLICE: We go, we go ALL: Yes, forward on the foe! Yes, forward on the foe! GENERAL: Yes, but you don't go! POLICE: We go, we go ALL: At last they go! At last they really go!

(Exeunt POLICE. MABEL tears herself from FREDERIC and exits, followed by her sisters, consoling her. The MAJOR-GENERAL and others follow the POLICE off. FREDERIC remains alone.)

RECIT-FREDERIC

Now for the pirates' lair! Oh, joy unbounded! Oh, sweet relief! Oh, rapture unexampled! At last I may atone, in some slight measure, For the repeated acts of theft and pillage Which, at a sense of duty's stern dictation, I, circumstance's victim, have been guilty!

(PIRATE KING and RUTH appear at the window, armed.)

KING: Young Frederic! (Covering him with pistol) FREDERIC: Who calls? KING: Your late commander! RUTH: And I, your little Ruth! (Covering him with pistol) FREDERIC: Oh, mad intruders, How dare ye face me? Know ye not, oh rash ones, That I have doomed you to extermination?

(KING and RUTH hold a pistol to each ear)

KING: Have mercy on us! hear us, ere you slaughter! FREDERIC: I do not think I ought to listen to you. Yet, mercy should alloy our stern resentment, And so I will be merciful— say on!

TRIO—RUTH, KING, and FREDERIC

RUTH: When you had left our pirate fold, We tried to raise our spirits faint, According to our custom old, With quips and quibbles quaint. But all in vain the quips we heard, We lay and sobbed upon the rocks, Until to somebody occurred A startling paradox. FREDERIC: A paradox? KING: (laughing) A paradox! RUTH: A most ingenious paradox! We've quips and quibbles heard in flocks, But none to beat this paradox! A paradox, a paradox, A most ingenious paradox! Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ha! ha! ha! ha! KING: We knew your taste for curious quips, For cranks and contradictions queer; And with the laughter on our lips, We wished you there to hear. We said, "If we could tell it him, How Frederic would the joke enjoy!" And so we've risked both life and limb To tell it to our boy. FREDERIC: (interested). That paradox? That paradox? KING and RUTH: (laughing) That most ingenious paradox! We've quips and quibbles heard in flocks, But none to beat this paradox! A paradox, a paradox, A most ingenious paradox! Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ho! ho! ho! ho!

CHANT—KING

For some ridiculous reason, to which, however, I've no desire to be disloyal, Some person in authority, I don't know who, very likely the Astronomer Royal, Has decided that, although for such a beastly month as February, twenty-eight days as a rule are plenty, One year in every four his days shall be reckoned as nine and- twenty. Through some singular coincidence— I shouldn't be surprised if it were owing to the agency of an ill-natured fairy— You are the victim of this clumsy arrangement, having been born in leap-year, on the twenty-ninth of February; And so, by a simple arithmetical process, you'll easily discover, That though you've lived twenty-one years, yet, if we go by birthdays, you're only five and a little bit over! RUTH: Ha! ha! ha! ha! KING: Ho! ho! ho! ho! FREDERIC: Dear me! Let's see! (counting on fingers) Yes, yes; with yours my figures do agree! ALL: Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! ho! ho! FREDERIC: (more amused than any) How quaint the ways of Paradox! At common sense she gaily mocks! Though counting in the usual way, Years twenty-one I've been alive, Yet, reck'ning by my natal day, Yet, reck'ning by my natal day, I am a little boy of five! RUTH/KING: He is a little boy of five! Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ALL: A paradox, a paradox, A most ingenious paradox! Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!, etc.

(RUTH and KING throw themselves back on seats, exhausted with laughter)

FREDERIC: Upon my word, this is most curious— most absurdly whimsical. Five-and-a-quarter! No one would think it to look at me! RUTH: You are glad now, I'll be bound, that you spared us. You would never have forgiven yourself when you discovered that you had killed two of your comrades. FREDERIC: My comrades? KING: (rises) I'm afraid you don't appreciate the delicacy of your position: You were apprenticed to us— FREDERIC: Until I reached my twenty-first year. KING: No, until you reached your twenty-first birthday (producing document), and, going by birthdays, you are as yet only five-and-a-quarter. FREDERIC: You don't mean to say you are going to hold me to that? KING: No, we merely remind you of the fact, and leave the rest to your sense of duty. RUTH: Your sense of duty! FREDERIC: (wildly) Don't put it on that footing! As I was merciful to you just now, be merciful to me! I implore you not to insist on the letter of your bond just as the cup of happiness is at my lips! RUTH: We insist on nothing; we content ourselves with pointing out to you your duty. KING: Your duty! FREDERIC: (after a pause) Well, you have appealed to my sense of duty, and my duty is only too clear. I abhor your infamous calling; I shudder at the thought that I have ever been mixed up with it; but duty is before all — at any price I will do my duty. KING: Bravely spoken! Come, you are one of us once more. FREDERIC: Lead on, I follow. (Suddenly) Oh, horror! KING/RUTH: What is the matter? FREDERIC: Ought I to tell you? No, no, I cannot do it; and yet, as one of your band— KING: Speak out, I charge you by that sense of conscientiousness to which we have never yet appealed in vain. FREDERIC: General Stanley, the father of my Mabel— KING/RUTH: Yes, yes! FREDERIC: He escaped from you on the plea that he was an orphan? KING: He did. FREDERIC: It breaks my heart to betray the honoured father of the girl I adore, but as your apprentice I have no alternative. It is my duty to tell you that General Stanley is no orphan! KING/RUTH: What! FREDERIC: More than that, he never was one! KING: Am I to understand that, to save his contemptible life, he dared to practice on our credulous simplicity? (FREDERIC nods as he weeps) Our revenge shall be swift and terrible. We will go and collect our band and attack Tremorden Castle this very night. FREDERIC: But stay— KING: Not a word! He is doomed!

TRIO

KING and RUTH: FREDERIC

Away, away! my heart's on fire; Away, away! ere I expire— I burn, this base deception to I find my duty hard to do to- repay. day! This very night my vengeance dire My heart is filled with anguish dire, Shall glut itself in gore. It strikes me to the core. Away, away! Away, away!

KING: With falsehood foul He tricked us of our brides. Let vengeance howl; The Pirate so decides. Our nature stern He softened with his lies, And, in return, To-night the traitor dies.

ALL: Yes, yes! to-night the traitor dies! Yes, yes! to-night the traitor dies!

RUTH: To-night he dies! KING: Yes, or early to-morrow. FREDERIC: His girls likewise? RUTH: They will welter in sorrow. KING: The one soft spot RUTH: In their natures they cherish— FREDERIC: And all who plot KING: To abuse it shall perish! ALL: To-night he dies, etc.

(Exeunt KING and RUTH. FREDERIC throws himself on a stone in blank despair. Enter MABEL.)

RECIT—MABEL

All is prepared, your gallant crew await you. My Frederic in tears? It cannot be That lion-heart quails at the coming conflict?

FREDERIC: No, Mabel, no. A terrible disclosure Has just been made. Mabel, my dearly-loved one, I bound myself to serve the pirate captain Until I reached my one-and-twentieth birthday— MABEL: But you are twenty-one? FREDERIC: I've just discovered That I was born in leap-year, and that birthday Will not be reached by me till nineteen forty! MABEL: Oh, horrible! catastrophe appalling! FREDERIC: And so, farewell! MABEL: No, no! Ah, Frederic, hear me.

DUET—MABEL and FREDERIC

MABEL: Stay, Fred'ric, stay! They have no legal claim, No shadow of a shame Will fall upon thy name. Stay, Frederic, stay!

FREDERIC: Nay, Mabel, nay! To-night I quit these walls, The thought my soul appalls, But when stern Duty calls, I must obey.

MABEL: Stay, Fred'ric, stay! FREDERIC: Nay, Mabel, nay! MABEL: They have no claim— FREDERIC: But Duty's name. The thought my soul appalls, But when stern Duty calls, MABEL: Stay, Fred'ric, stay! FREDERIC: I must obey.

BALLAD—MABEL

Ah, leave me not to pine Alone and desolate; No fate seemed fair as mine, No happiness so great! And Nature, day by day, Has sung in accents clear This joyous roundelay, "He loves thee— he is here. Fa-la, la-la, Fa-la, la-la. He loves thee— he is here. Fa-la, la-la, Fa-la."

FREDERIC: Ah, must I leave thee here In endless night to dream, Where joy is dark and drear, And sorrow all supreme— Where nature, day by day, Will sing, in altered tone, This weary roundelay, "He loves thee— he is gone. Fa-la, la-la, Fa-la, la-la. He loves thee— he is gone. Fa-la, la-la, Fa-la."

FREDERIC: In 1940 I of age shall be, I'll then return, and claim you—I declare it! MABEL: It seems so long! FREDERIC: Swear that, till then, you will be true to me. MABEL: Yes, I'll be strong! By all the Stanleys dead and gone, I swear it!

ENSEMBLE

Oh, here is love, and here is truth, And here is food for joyous laughter: He (she) will be faithful to his (her) sooth Till we are wed, and even after. Oh, here is love, etc.

(FREDERIC rushes to window and leaps out)

MABEL: (almost fainting) No, I am brave! Oh, family descent, How great thy charm, thy sway how excellent! Come one and all, undaunted men in blue, A crisis, now, affairs are coming to!

(Enter POLICE, marching in single file)

SERGEANT: Though in body and in mind POLICE: Tarantara! tarantara! SERGEANT: We are timidly inclined, POLICE: Tarantara! SERGEANT: And anything but blind POLICE: Tarantara! tarantara! SERGEANT: To the danger that's behind, POLICE: Tarantara! SERGEANT: Yet, when the danger's near, POLICE: Tarantara! tarantara! SERGEANT: We manage to appear POLICE: Tarantara! SERGEANT: As insensible to fear As anybody here, As anybody here. POLICE: Tarantara! tarantara!, etc.

MABEL: Sergeant, approach! Young Frederic was to have led you to death and glory. POLICE: That is not a pleasant way of putting it. MABEL: No matter; he will not so lead you, for he has allied himself once more with his old associates. POLICE: He has acted shamefully! MABEL: You speak falsely. You know nothing about it. He has acted nobly. POLICE: He has acted nobly! MABEL: Dearly as I loved him before, his heroic sacrifice to his sense of duty has endeared him to me tenfold; but if it was his duty to constitute himself my foe, it is likewise my duty to regard him in that light. He has done his duty. I will do mine. Go ye and do yours. (Exit MABEL) POLICE: Right oh! SERGEANT: This is perplexing. POLICE: We cannot understand it at all. SERGEANT: Still, as he is actuated by a sense of duty— POLICE: That makes a difference, of course. At the same time, we repeat, we cannot understand it at all. SERGEANT: No matter. Our course is clear: we must do our best to capture these pirates alone. It is most distressing to us to be the agents whereby our erring fellow- creatures are deprived of that liberty which is so dear to us all— but we should have thought of that before we joined the force. POLICE: We should! SERGEANT: It is too late now! POLICE: It is!

SOLO AND CHORUS

SERGEANT: When a felon's not engaged in his employment POLICE: His employment SERGEANT: Or maturing his felonious little plans, POLICE: Little plans, SERGEANT: His capacity for innocent enjoyment POLICE: 'Cent enjoyment SERGEANT: Is just as great as any honest man's. POLICE: Honest man's. SERGEANT: Our feelings we with difficulty smother POLICE: 'Culty smother SERGEANT: When constabulary duty's to be done. POLICE: To be done. SERGEANT: Ah, take one consideration with another, POLICE: With another, SERGEANT: A policeman's lot is not a happy one. ALL: Ah, when constabulary duty's to be done, to be done, A policeman's lot is not a happy one, happy one. SERGEANT: When the enterprising burglar's not a-burgling POLICE: Not a-burgling SERGEANT: When the cut-throat isn't occupied in crime, POLICE: 'Pied in crime, SERGEANT: He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling POLICE: Brook a-gurgling SERGEANT: And listen to the merry village chime. POLICE: Village chime. SERGEANT: When the coster's finished jumping on his mother, POLICE: On his mother, SERGEANT: He loves to lie a-basking in the sun. POLICE: In the sun. SERGEANT: Ah, take one consideration with another, POLICE: With another, SERGEANT: A policeman's lot is not a happy one. ALL: Ah, when constabulary duty's to be done, to be done, A policeman's lot is not a happy one, happy one.

(Chorus of Pirates without, in the distance)

A rollicking band of pirates we, Who, tired of tossing on the sea, Are trying their hand at a burglaree, With weapons grim and gory.

SERGEANT: Hush, hush! I hear them on the manor poaching, With stealthy step the pirates are approaching.

(Chorus of Pirates, resumed nearer.)

We are not coming for plate or gold; A story General Stanley's told; We seek a penalty fifty-fold, For General Stanley's story.

POLICE: They seek a penalty PIRATES: Fifty-fold! We seek a penalty POLICE: Fifty-fold! ALL: They (We) seek a penalty fifty-fold, For General Stanley's story. SERGEANT: They come in force, with stealthy stride, Our obvious course is now—to hide. POLICE: Tarantara! Tarantara! etc.

(Police conceal themselves in aisle. As they do so, the Pirates, with RUTH and FREDERIC, are seen appearing at ruined window. They enter cautiously, and come down stage on tiptoe. SAMUEL is laden with burglarious tools and pistols, etc.)

CHORUS—PIRATES (very loud)

With cat-like tread, Upon our prey we steal; In silence dread, Our cautious way we feel. No sound at all! We never speak a word; A fly's foot-fall Would be distinctly heard— POLICE: (softly) Tarantara, tarantara! PIRATES: So stealthily the pirate creeps, While all the household soundly sleeps. Come, friends, who plough the sea, Truce to navigation; Take another station; Let's vary piracee With a little burglaree! POLICE: (softly) Tarantara, tarantara! SAMUEL: (distributing implements to various members of the gang) Here's your crowbar and your centrebit, Your life-preserver—you may want to hit! Your silent matches, your dark lantern seize, Take your file and your skeletonic keys. POLICE: Tarantara! PIRATES: With cat-like tread POLICE: Tarantara! PIRATES: in silence dread,

(Enter KING, FREDERIC and RUTH)

ALL (fortissimo). With cat-like tread, etc.

RECIT

FREDERIC: Hush, hush! not a word; I see a light inside! The Major-Gen'ral comes, so quickly hide! PIRATES: Yes, yes, the Major-General comes!

(Exeunt KING, FREDERIC, SAMUEL, and RUTH)

POLICE: Yes, yes, the Major-General comes! GENERAL: (entering in dressing-gown, carrying a light) Yes, yes, the Major-General comes!

SOLO—GENERAL

Tormented with the anguish dread Of falsehood unatoned, I lay upon my sleepless bed, And tossed and turned and groaned. The man who finds his conscience ache No peace at all enjoys; And as I lay in bed awake, I thought I heard a noise. MEN: He thought he heard a noise— ha! ha! GENERAL: No, all is still In dale, on hill; My mind is set at ease— So still the scene, It must have been The sighing of the breeze.

BALLAD—GENERAL

Sighing softly to the river Comes the loving breeze, Setting nature all a-quiver, Rustling through the trees. MEN: Through the trees. GENERAL: And the brook, in rippling measure, Laughs for very love, While the poplars, in their pleasure, Wave their arms above. MEN: Yes, the trees, for very love, Wave their leafy arms above. ALL: River, river, little river, May thy loving prosper ever! Heaven speed thee, poplar tree, May thy wooing happy be. GENERAL: Yet, the breeze is but a rover, When he wings away, Brook and poplar mourn a lover Sighing,"Well-a-day!" MEN: Well-a-day! GENERAL: Ah! the doing and undoing, That the rogue could tell! When the breeze is out a-wooing, Who can woo so well?

MEN: Shocking tales the rogue could tell, Nobody can woo so well. ALL: Pretty brook, thy dream is over, For thy love is but a rover; Sad the lot of poplar trees, Courted by a fickle breeze!

(Enter the MAJOR-GENERAL's daughters, led by MABEL, all in white peignoirs and night-caps, and carrying lighted candles.)

GIRLS: Now what is this, and what is that, and why does father leave his rest At such a time of night as this, so very incompletely dressed? Dear father is, and always was, the most methodical of men! It's his invariable rule to go to bed at half-past ten. What strange occurrence can it be that calls dear father from his rest At such a time of night as this, so very incompletely dressed?

(Enter KING, SAMUEL, and FREDERIC)

KING: Forward, my men, and seize that General there! His life is over. (They seize the GENERAL) GIRLS: The pirates! the pirates! Oh, despair! PIRATES: (springing up) Yes, we're the pirates, so despair! GENERAL: Frederic here! Oh, joy! Oh. rapture! Summon your men and effect their capture! MABEL: Frederic, save us! FREDERIC: Beautiful Mabel, I would if I could, but I am not able. PIRATES: He's telling the truth, he is not able. KING: With base deceit You worked upon our feelings! Revenge is sweet, And flavours all our dealings! With courage rare And resolution manly, For death prepare, Unhappy Gen'ral Stanley.

MABEL: (wildly) Is he to die, unshriven, unannealed? GIRLS: Oh, spare him! MABEL: Will no one in his cause a weapon wield? GIRLS: Oh, spare him! POLICE: (springing up) Yes, we are here, though hitherto concealed! GIRLS: Oh, rapture! POLICE: So to Constabulary, pirates yield! GIRLS: Oh, rapture!

(A struggle ensues between Pirates and Police, RUTH tackling the SERGEANT. Eventually the Police are overcome and fall prostrate, the Pirates standing over them with drawn swords.)

CHORUS OF PIRATES AND POLICE

PIRATES POLICE

We triumph now, for well we You triumph now, for well we trow trow Your mortal career's cut short; Our mortal career's cut short; No pirate band will take its No pirate band will take its stand stand At the Central Criminal Court. At the Central Criminal Court.

SERGEANT: To gain a brief advantage you've contrived, But your proud triumph will not be long-lived KING: Don't say you are orphans, for we know that game. SERGEANT: On your allegiance we've a stronger claim. We charge you yield, we charge you yield, In Queen Victoria's name! KING: (baffled) You do? POLICE: We do! We charge you yield, In Queen Victoria's name!

(PIRATES kneel, POLICE stand over them triumphantly.)

KING: We yield at once, with humbled mien, Because, with all our faults, we love our Queen. POLICE: Yes, yes, with all their faults, they love their Queen. ALL: Yes, yes, with all their faults, they love their Queen.

(POLICE, holding PIRATES by the collar, take out handkerchiefs and weep.)

GENERAL: Away with them, and place them at the bar!

(Enter RUTH)

RUTH: One moment! let me tell you who they are. They are no members of the common throng; They are all noblemen who have gone wrong. ALL: They are all noblemen who have gone wrong. GENERAL: No Englishman unmoved that statement hears, Because, with all our faults, we love our House of Peers. (All kneel) I pray you, pardon me, ex-Pirate King! Peers will be peers, and youth will have its fling. Resume your ranks and legislative duties, And take my daughters, all of whom are beauties.

FINALE—MABEL, EDITH and ENSEMBLE

Poor wandering ones! Though ye have surely strayed, Take heart of grace, Your steps retrace, Poor wandering ones! Poor wandering ones! If such poor love as ours Can help you find True peace of mind, Why, take it, it is yours!

ALL: Poor wandering ones! etc.

END OF OPERA



PRINCESS IDA

OR

CASTLE ADAMANT

libretto by William S. Gilbert

music by Arthur S. Sullivan

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

King Hildebrand Hilarion (His son)

Hilarion's friends: Cyril Florian

King Gama

His sons: Arac Guron Scynthius

Princess Ida (Gama's daughter) Lady Blanche (Professor of Abstract Science) Lady Psyche (Professor of Humanities) Melissa (Lady Blanche's Daughter)

Girl Graduates: Sacharissa Chloe Ada

Soldiers, Courtiers, "Girl Graduates," "Daughters of the Plough," etc.

ACT I

Pavilion in King Hildebrand's Palace

ACT II

Gardens of Castle Adamant

ACT III

Courtyard of Castle Adamant



ACT I.

SCENE. Pavilion attached to King Hildebrand's Palace. Soldiers and courtiers discovered looking out through opera-glasses, telescopes, etc., Florian leading.

CHORUS AND SOLO (Florian) "Search throughout the panorama"

Chorus: Search throughout the panorama For a sign of royal Gama, Who to-day should cross the water With his fascinating daughter— Ida is her name.

Some misfortune evidently Has detained them — consequently Search throughout the panorama For the daughter of King Gama, Prince Hilarion's flame! Prince Hilarion's flame!

SOLO - Florian

Florian: Will Prince Hilarion's hopes be sadly blighted?

Chorus: Who can tell? Who can tell?

Florian: Will Ida break the vows that she has plighted?

Chorus: Who can tell? Who can tell?

Florian: Will she back out, and say she did not mean them?

Chorus: Who can tell?

Florian: If so, there'll be the deuce to pay between them!

Chorus: No, no — we'll not despair, we'll not despair, For Gama would not dare To make a deadly foe Of Hildebrand, and so, Search through the panorama For a sign of royal Gama, Who today should cross the water With his fascinating daughter— Ida, Ida is her name.

(Enter King Hildebrand with Cyril)

Hildebd: See you no sign of Gama?

Florian: None, my liege!

Hildebd: It's very odd indeed. If Gama fail To put in an appearance at our Court Before the sun has set in yonder west, And fail to bring the Princess Ida here To whom our son Hilarion was betrothed At the extremely early age of one, There's war between King Gama and ourselves! (aside to Cyril) Oh, Cyril, how I dread this interview! It's twenty years since he and I have met. He was a twisted monster — all awry—— As though Dame Nature, angry with her work, Had crumpled it in fitful petulance!

Cyril: But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk Often bears goodly fruit. Perhaps he was A kind, well-spoken gentleman?

Hildebd: Oh, no! For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue. (His "sting" is present, though his "stung" is past.)

Florian: (looking through glass) But stay, my liege; o'er yonder mountain's brow Comes a small body, bearing Gama's arms; And now I look more closely at it, sir, I see attached to it King Gama's legs; From which I gather this corollary That that small body must be Gama's own!

Hildebd: Ha! Is the Princess with him?

Florian: Well, my liege, Unless her highness is full six feet high, And wears mustachios too — and smokes cigars—— And rides en cavalier in coat of steel—— I do not think she is.

Hildebd: One never knows. She's a strange girl, I've heard, and does odd things! Come, bustle there! For Gama place the richest robes we own—— For Gama place the coarsest prison dress—— For Gama let our best spare bed be aired—— For Gama let our deepest dungeon yawn—— For Gama lay the costliest banquet out—— For Gama place cold water and dry bread! For as King Gama brings the Princess here, Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have Much more than everything — much less than nothing!

SONG (Hildebrand and Chorus) "Now Hearken to my Strict Command"

Hildebd: Now hearken to my strict command On every hand, on every hand——

Chorus: To your command, On every hand, We dutifully bow.

Hildebd: If Gama bring the Princess here, Give him good cheer, give him good cheer.

Chorus: If she come here We'll give him a cheer, And we will show you how. Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! We'll shout and sing Long live the King, And his daughter, too, I trow! Then shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah! For the fair Princess and her good papa, Hurrah, hurrah!

Hildebd: But if he fail to keep his troth, Upon our oath, we'll trounce them both!

Chorus: He'll trounce them both, Upon his oath, As sure as quarter-day!

Hildebd: We'll shut him up in a dungeon cell, And toll his knell on a funeral bell.

Chorus: From his dungeon cell, His funeral knell Shall strike him with dismay! Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! As up we string The faithless King, In the old familiar way! We'll shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah! As we make an end of her false papa, Hurrah, hurrah!

(Exeunt all)

(Enter Hilarion)

RECITATIVE AND SONG (Hilarion) "Today we meet"

RECITATIVE - Hilarion

To-day we meet, my baby bride and I— But ah, my hopes are balanc'd by my fears! What transmutations have been conjur'd by The silent alchemy of twenty years!

BALLAD - Hilarion

Ida was a twelve-month old, Twenty years ago! I was twice her age, I'm told, Twenty years ago! Husband twice as old as wife Argues ill for married life Baleful prophecies were rife, Twenty years ago, Twenty years ago!

Still, I was a tiny prince Twenty years ago. She has gained upon me, since Twenty years ago. Though she's twenty-one, it's true, I am barely twenty-two— False and foolish prophets you Twenty years ago, Twenty years ago!

(Enter Hildebrand)

Hilarion: Well, father, is there news for me at last?

Hildebd: King Gama is in sight, but much I fear With no Princess!

Hilarion: Alas, my liege, I've heard, That Princess Ida has forsworn the world, And, with a band of women, shut herself Within a lonely country house, and there Devotes herself to stern philosophies!

Hildebd: Then I should say the loss of such a wife Is one to which a reasonable man Would easily be reconciled.

Hilarion: Oh, no! Or I am not a reasonable man. She is my wife — has been for twenty years! (Holding glass) I think I see her now.

Hildebd: Ha! Let me look!

Hilarion: In my mind's eye, I mean — a blushing bride All bib and tucker, frill and furbelow! How exquisite she looked as she was borne, Recumbent, in her foster-mother's arms! How the bride wept — nor would be comforted Until the hireling mother-for-the-nonce Administered refreshment in the vestry. And I remember feeling much annoyed That she should weep at marrying with me. But then I thought, "These brides are all alike. You cry at marrying me? How much more cause You'd have to cry if it were broken off!" These were my thoughts; I kept them to myself, For at that age I had not learnt to speak.

(Exeunt Hildebrand and Hilarion)

(Enter Courtiers)

CHORUS "From the distant panorama"

Chorus: From the distant panorama Come the sons of royal Gama. They are heralds evidently, And are sacred consequently, Sons of Gama, hail! oh, hail!

(Enter Arac, Guron, and Scynthius)

TRIO (Arac, Guron, Scynthius and Chorus) "We are Warriors Three"

SONG - Arac

Arac: We are warriors three, Sons of Gama, Rex, Like most sons are we, Masculine in sex.

All Three: Yes, yes, yes, Masculine in sex.

Arac: Politics we bar, They are not our bent; On the whole we are Not intelligent.

All Three: No, no, no, Not intelligent.

Arac: But with doughty heart, And with trusty blade We can play our part— Fighting is our trade.

All Three: Yes, yes, yes, Fighting is our trade.

Bold and fierce, and strong, ha! ha! For a war we burn, With its right or wrong, ha! ha! We have no concern. Order comes to fight, ha! ha! Order is obey'd, We are men of might, ha! ha! Fighting is our trade. Yes — yes, yes, Fighting is our trade, ha! ha!

THE THREE PRINCIPALS CHORUS Fighting is our trade, ha ha! They are men of might, ha! ha! Fighting is their trade. Order comes to fight, ha! ha! Order is obey'd! Order comes to fight! Ha, Ha! Order is obey'd! Fighting Fighting is. Yes, yes, yes, is Fighting is our trade, ha their Ha! trade!

(Enter King Gama)

SONG (Gama) "If you give me your Attention"

Gama: If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am: I'm a genuine philanthropist — all other kinds are sham. Each little fault of temper and each social defect In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct. To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes; And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise; I love my fellow creatures — I do all the good I can— Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! And I can't think why!

To compliments inflated I've a withering reply; And vanity I always do my best to mortify; A charitable action I can skillfully dissect; And interested motives I'm delighted to detect; I know ev'rybody's income and what ev'rybody earns; And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns; But to benefit humanity however much I plan, Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! And I can't think why!

I'm sure I'm no ascetic; I'm as pleasant as can be; You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee, I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer, I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer. To ev'rybody's prejudice I know a thing or two; I can tell a woman's age in half a minute — and I do. But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can, Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! And I can't think why!

Chorus: He can't think why! He can't think why!

(Enter Hildebrand, Hilarion, Cyril and Florian)

Gama: So this is Castle Hildebrand? Well, well! Dame Rumour whispered that the place was grand; She told me that your taste was exquisite, Superb, unparalleled!

Hildebnd: (Gratified) Oh, really, King!

Gama: But she's a liar! Why, how old you've grown! Is this Hilarion? Why, you've changed too— You were a singularly handsome child! (To Florian) Are you a courtier? Come, then ply your trade, Tell me some lies. How do you like your King? Vile rumour says he's all but imbecile. Now, that's not true?

Florian: My lord, we love our King. His wise remarks are valued by his court As precious stones.

Gama: And for the self-same cause. Like precious stones, his sensible remarks Derive their value from their scarcity! Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once! Tell it of me. Come, come, I'll harm you not. This leg is crooked — this foot is ill-designed— This shoulder wears a hump! Come, out with it! Look, here's my face! Now, am I not the worst Of Nature's blunders?

Cyril: Nature never errs. To those who know the workings of your mind, Your face and figure, sir, suggest a book Appropriately bound.

Gama: (Enraged) Why, harkye, sir, How dare you bandy words with me?

Cyril: No need To bandy aught that appertains to you.

Gama: (Furiously) Do you permit this, King?

Hildebd: We are in doubt Whether to treat you as an honoured guest Or as a traitor knave who plights his word And breaks it.

Gama: (Quickly) If the casting vote's with me, I give it for the former!

Hildebd: We shall see. By the terms of our contract, signed and sealed, You're bound to bring the Princess here to-day: Why is she not with you?

Gama: Answer me this: What think you of a wealthy purse-proud man, Who, when he calls upon a starving friend, Pulls out his gold and flourishes his notes, And flashes diamonds in the pauper's eyes? What name have you for such an one?

Hildebd: A snob.

Gama: Just so. The girl has beauty, virtue, wit, Grace, humour, wisdom, charity and pluck. Would it be kindly, think you, to parade These brilliant qualities before your eyes? Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob!

Hildebd: (Furiously) Stop that tongue, Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it!

Gama: Bravo! Your King deprives me of my head, That he and I may meet on equal terms!

Hildebd: Where is she now? (Threatening)

Gama: In Castle Adamant, One of my many country houses. There She rules a woman's University, With full a hundred girls, who learn of her.

Cyril: A hundred girls! A hundred ecstasies!

Gama: But no mere girls, my good young gentleman; With all the college learning that you boast, The youngest there will prove a match for you.

Cyril: With all my heart, if she's the prettiest! (To Florian) Fancy, a hundred matches — all alight!— That's if I strike them as I hope to do!

Gama: Despair your hope; their hearts are dead to men. He who desires to gain their favour must Be qualified to strike their teeming brains, And not their hearts. They're safety matches, sir, And they light only on the knowledge box— So you've no chance!

Florian: And there are no males whatever in those walls?

Gama: None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails— And they are driven (as males often are In other large communities) by women. Why, bless my heart, she's so particular She'll hardly suffer Dr. Watts's hymns— And all the animals she owns are "hers"! The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn—

Cyril: Ah, then they have male poultry?

Gama: Not at all, (Confidentially) The crowing's done by an accomplished hen!

FINALE (Gama, Hildebrand, Cyril, Hilarion, Florian and Chorus of Girls and Men)

DUET (Gama and Hildebrand) "P'raps if you Address the Lady"

Gama: P'raps if you address the lady Most politely, most politely— Flatter and impress the lady, Most politely, most politely,— Humbly beg and humbly sue— She may deign to look on you, But your doing you must do Most politely, most politely, most politely!

All: Humbly beg and humbly sue, She may deign to look on you, But your doing you must do Most politely, most politely, most politely!

Hildebd: Go you and inform the lady, Most politely, most politely, If she don't, we'll storm the lady Most politely, most politely!

(To Gama) You'll remain as hostage here; Should Hillarion disappear, We will hang you, never fear, Most politely, most politely, most politely!

All: He'll [I'll] [You'll] remain as hostage here. Should Hilarion disappear, They [We] will hang me [you] never fear, Most politely, most politely, most politely!

(Gama, Arac, Guron and Scynthius are marched off in custody, Hildebrand following)

RECITATIVE — Hilarion

Come, Cyril, Florian, our course is plain, To-morrow morn fair Ida we'll engage; But we will use no force her love to gain, Nature, nature has arm'd us for the war we wage!

TRIO — Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian

Hilarion: Expressive glances Shall be our lances, And pops of Sillery Our light artillery. We'll storm their bowers With scented showers Of fairest flowers That we can buy!

Chorus: Oh, dainty triolet! Oh, fragrant violet! Oh, gentle heigho-let! (Or little sigh). On sweet urbanity, Through mere inanity, To touch their vanity We will rely!

Cyril: When day is fading, With serenading And such frivolity We'll prove our quality. A sweet profusion Of soft allusion This bold intrusion Shall justify, This bold intrusion Shall justify.

Chorus: Oh, dainty triolet! Oh, fragrant violet! Oh, gentle heigho-let! (Or little sigh). On sweet urbanity, Through mere inanity, To touch their vanity We will rely!

Florian: We'll charm their senses With verbal fences, With ballads amatory And declamatory. Little heeding Their pretty pleading, Our love exceeding We'll justify! Our love exceeding We'll justify!

Chorus: Oh, dainty triolet! Oh, fragrant violet! Oh, gentle heigho-let! (Or little sigh). On sweet urbanity, Through mere inanity, To touch their vanity We will rely!

Sops: Oh dainty Altos, Tenors, and Basses: triolet! Oh fragrant Oh violet! Oh dain- gentle ty heigh-o-let! (Or tri- little o- sigh). let!

Hilarion & Cyril: Oh dainty Chorus: triolet! Oh fragrant Oh violet (Add Florian) Oh fra- gentle grant heigh-o-let! (Or vi- little o- sigh). let!

Sops & Altos: Tenors & Basses: Oh dainty Oh dainty triolet! Oh tri- fragrant o- violet let!

All: Oh dainty triolet! Oh fragrant violet!

(Re-enter Gama, Arac, Guron, and Scynthius heavily ironed, followed by Hildebrand)

RECITATIVE

Gama: Must we, till then, in prison cell be thrust?

Hildebd: You must!

Gama: This seems unnecessarily severe! Arac, Guron & Scyn: Hear, hear!

TRIO - Arac, Guron and Scynthius

For a month to dwell In a dungeon cell: Growing thin and wizen In a solitary prison, Is a poor look out For a soldier stout, Who is longing for the rattle Of a complicated battle— For the rum - tum - tum Of the military drum And the guns that go boom! boom!

All: The rum — tum — tum Of the military drum, Rum — tum — tum — tummy tummy tummy tummy tum Who is longing for the rattle of a complicated battle— For the rum tum tum Of the military drum! Prr, prr, prr, ra — pum — pum!

Hildebd: When Hilarion's bride Has at length complied With the just conditions Of our requisitions, You may go in haste And indulge your taste For the fascinating rattle Of a complicated battle— For the rum - tum - tum, Of the military drum, And the guns that go boom! boom!

All: The rum — tum — tum Of the military drum, Rum — tum — tum — tummy tummy tummy tummy tum! Who is longing for the rattle Of a complicated battle For the rum — tum — tum Of the military drum! Tum, prr — prr — prr ra — pum, pum!

But til that time you'll [we'll] here remain, And bail we [they] will not entertain, Should she our [his] mandate disobey, Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay! But till that time you'll [we'll] here remain, And bail we [they] will not entertain. Should she our [his] mandate disobey, Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay! Should she our [his] mandate disobey, Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!

(Gama, Arac, Guron, and Synthius are marched off.)

END OF ACT I



ACT II

SCENE Gardens in Castle Adamant. A river runs across the back of the stage, crossed by a rustic bridge. Castle Adamant in the distance.

Girl Graduates discovered seated at the feet of Lady Psyche

CHORUS OF GIRLS & SOLOS (Lady Psyche, Melissa and Sacharissa) "Towards the empyrean heights"

Chorus: Towards the empyrean heights Of ev'ry kind of lore, We've taken several easy flights, And mean to take some more. In trying to achieve success No envy racks our heart, And all the knowledge we possess, We mutually impart.

SOLO — Melissa

Pray, what authors should she read Who in Classics would succeed?

SOLO — Psyche

If you'd climb the Helicon, You should read Anacreon, Ovid's Metamorphoses, Likewise Aristophanes, And the works of Juvenal: These are worth attention, all; But, if you will be advised, You will get them Bowdlerized!

Chorus: Ah! we will get them Bowdlerized!

SOLO — Sacharissa

Pray you, tell us, if you can, What's the thing that's known as Man?

SOLO — Psyche

Man will swear and man will storm— Man is not at all good form— Is of no kind of use— Man's a donkey — Man's a goose— Man is coarse and Man is plain— Man is more or less insane— Man's a ribald — Man's a rake, Man is Nature's sole mistake!

Chorus: We'll a memorandum make— Man is Nature's sole mistake!

And thus to empyrean height Of ev'ry kind of lore, In search of wisdom's pure delight, Ambitiously we soar. In trying to achieve success No envy racks our heart, For all we know and all we guess We mutually impart! And all the knowledge we possess, We mutually impart, We mutually impart, impart.

(Enter Lady Blanche. All stand up demurely)

Blanche: Attention, ladies, while I read to you The Princess Ida's list of punishments. The first is Sacharissa. She's expelled!

All: Expelled!

Blan.: Expelled, because although she knew No man of any kind may pass our walls, She dared to bring a set of chessmen here!

Sach.: (Crying) I meant no harm; they're only men of wood!

Blan.: They're men with whom you give each other mate, And that's enough! The next is Chloe.

Chloe: Ah!

Blan.: Chloe will lose three terms, for yesterday, When looking through her drawing-book, I found A sketch of a perambulator!

All: (Horrified) Oh!

Blan.: Double perambulator...

All: Oh, oh!

Blan.: ...shameless girl! That's all at present. Now, attention, pray; Your Principal the Princess comes to give Her usual inaugural address To those young ladies who joined yesterday.

CHORUS OF GIRLS "Mighty maiden with a mission"

Girls: Mighty maiden with a mission, Paragon of common sense, Running fount of erudition, Miracle of eloquence, Altos: We are blind and we would see; Sops: We are bound, and would be free;

Girls: We are dumb, and we would talk; We are lame, and we would walk. (Enter the Princess) Mighty maiden with a mission— Paragon of common sense; Running found of erudition— Miracle of eloquence, of eloquence!

RECITATIVE & ARIA (Princess) "Minerva! Oh, hear Me"

Princess: Minerva! Minerva! Oh, hear me: Oh, goddess wise That lovest light Endow with sight Their unillumin'd eyes.

At this my call, A fervent few Have come to woo The rays that from thee fall, That from thee fall. Oh, goddess wise That lovest light, That lovest light,

Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine, That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine! Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine, That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine, I may lead them to thy sacred shrine, thy sacred shrine!

Princess: Women of Adamant, fair Neophytes— Who thirst for such instruction as we give, Attend, while I unfold a parable. The elephant is mightier than Man, Yet Man subdues him. Why? The elephant Is elephantine everywhere but here (tapping her forehead), And Man, whose brain is to the elephant's As Woman's brain to Man's - (that's rule of three),— Conquers the foolish giant of the woods, As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man. In Mathematics, Woman leads the way; The narrow-minded pedant still believes That two and two make four! Why, we can prove, We women — household drudges as we are— That two and two make five — or three — or seven; Or five and twenty, if the case demands! Diplomacy? The wiliest diplomat Is absolutely helpless in our hands. He wheedles monarchs — Woman wheedles him! Logic? Why, tyrant Man himself admits It's a waste of time to argue with a woman! Then we excel in social qualities: Though man professes that he holds our sex In utter scorn, I venture to believe He'd rather pass the day with one of you, Than with five hundred of his fellow-men! In all things we excel. Believing this, A hundred maidens here have sworn to place Their feet upon his neck. If we succeed, We'll treat him better than he treated us: But if we fail, why, then let hope fail too! Let no one care a penny how she looks— Let red be worn with yellow — blue with green— Crimson with scarlet — violet with blue! Let all your things misfit, and you yourselves At inconvenient moments come undone! Let hair-pins lose their virtue: let the hook Disdain the fascination of the eye— The bashful button modestly evade The soft embraces of the button-hole! Let old associations all dissolve, Let Swan secede from Edgar — Gask from Gask, Sewell from Cross — Lewis from Allenby! In other words, let Chaos come again! (Coming down) Who lectures in the Hall of Arts to-day?

Blanche: I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy. There I propose considering, at length, Three points — The Is, the Might Be, and the Must. Whether the Is, from being actual fact, Is more important than the vague Might Be, Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope, Is for that reason greater than the Is: And lastly, how the Is and Might Be stand Compared with the inevitable Must!

Princess: The subject's deep — how do you treat it, pray?

Blan.: Madam, I take three possibilities, And strike a balance then between the three: As thus: The Princess Ida Is our head, the Lady Psyche Might Be, — Lady Blanche, Neglected Blanche, inevitably Must. Given these three hypotheses — to find The actual betting against each of them!

Princess: Your theme's ambitious: pray you bear in mind Who highest soar fall farthest. Fare you well, You and your pupils! Maidens, follow me.

[Exeunt Princess and maidens. Manet Lady Blanche.

EXEUNT FOR PRINCESS IDA & GIRLS "And thus to Empyrean Height"

Chorus: And thus to empyrean height Of ev'ry kind of lore, In search of wisdom's pure delight, Ambitiously we soar. In trying to achieve success No envy racks our heart, For all we know and all we guess We mutually impart! And all the knowledge we possess, We mutually impart, We mutually impart, impart.

Blan.: I should command here — I was born to rule, But do I rule? I don't. Why? I don't know. I shall some day. Not yet, I bide my time. I once was Some One — and the Was Will Be. The Present as we speak becomes the Past, The Past repeats itself, and so is Future! This sounds involved. It's not. It's right enough.

(Since 1935 the following song has been usually omitted) SONG (Lady Blanche) "Come, mighty Must!"

Blanche: Come mighty Must! Inevitable Shall! In thee I trust. Time weaves my coronal! Go, mocking Is! Go, disappointing Was! That I am this Ye are the cursed cause! Ye are the cursed cause! Yet humble second shall be first, I wean And dead and buried be the curst Has Been!

Oh, weak Might Be! Oh, May, Might, Could, Would, Should! How pow'rless ye For evil or for good! In ev'ry sense Your moods I cheerless call. Whate'er your tense Ye are imperfect all. Ye have deceiv'd the trust I've shown In ye! Ye have deceiv'd the trust I've shown In ye! I've shown in ye! Away! The Mighty Must alone Shall be! [Exit Lady Blanche

[Enter Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian, climbing over wall, and creep- ing cautiously among the trees and rocks at the back of the stage.]

TRIO (Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) "Gently, gently"

All: Gently, gently, Evidently We are safe so far, After scaling Fence and paling, Here, at last, we are!

Florian: In this college, Useful knowledge Ev'rywhere one finds, And already, Growing steady, We've enlarged our minds

Cyril: We learnt that prickly cactus Has power to attract us When we fall.

All: When we fall!

Hilarion: That nothing man unsettles Like a bed of stinging nettles, Short or tall.

All: Short or tall!

Florian: That bull-dogs feed on throttles— That we don't like broken bottles On a wall.

All: On a wall!

Hilarion: That spring-guns breathe defiance! And that burglary's a science After all!

All: After all!

Florian: A Woman's college! maddest folly going! What can girls learn within its walls worth knowing? I'll lay a crown (the Princess shall decide it) I'll teach them twice as much in half-an-hour outside it.

Hilarion: Hush, scoffer; ere you sound your puny thunder, List to their aims, and bow your head in wonder!

They intend to send a wire To the moon

Cyril & Florian: To the moon;

Hilarion: And they'll set the Thames on fire Very soon

Cyril & Florian: Very soon;

Hilarion: Then they'll learn to make silk purses With their rigs

Cyril & Florian: With their rigs.

Hilarion: From the ears of Lady Circe's Piggy-wigs

Cyril & Florian: Piggy-wigs.

Hilarion: And weasels at their slumbers They trepan

Cyril & Florian: They trepan;

Hilarion: To get sunbeams from cucumbers They've a plan

Cyril & Florian: They've a plan.

Hilarion: They've a firmly rooted notion They can cross the Polar Ocean, And they'll find Perpetual Motion, If they can

All: If they can. These are the phenomena That ev'ry pretty domina Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see.

These are the phenomena That ev'ry pretty domina Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see!

Cyril: As for fashion, they forswear it, So they say

Hilarion & Florian: So they say;

Cyril: And the circle — they will square it Some fine day

Hilarion & Florian: Some fine day;

Cyril: Then the little pigs they're teaching For to fly

Hilarion & Florian: For to fly;

Cyril: And the niggers they'll be bleaching, By and by

Hilarion & Florian: By and by!

Cyril: Each newly joined aspirant To the clan

Hilarion & Florian: To the clan

Cyril: Must repudiate the tyrant Known as Man

Hilarion & Florian: Known as Man.

Cyril: They'll mock at him and flout him, For they do not care about him And they're "going to do without him" If they can

All: If they can!

These are the phenomena That ev'ry pretty domina Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see.

These are the phenomena That ev'ry pretty domina Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see!

Hilarion: So that's the Princess Ida's castle! Well, They must be lovely girls, indeed, if it requires Such walls as those to keep intruders off!

Cyril: To keep men off is only half their charge, And that the easier half. I much suspect The object of these walls is not so much To keep men off as keep the maidens in!

Florian: But what are these? (Examining some Collegiate robes)

Hilarion: (looking at them) Why, Academic robes, Worn by the lady undergraduates When they matriculate. Let's try them on. (They do so.) Why, see — we're covered to the very toes. Three lovely lady undergraduates Who, weary of the world and all its wooing — (pose)

Florian: And penitent for deeds there's no undoing — (pose)

Cyril: Looked at askance by well-conducted maids — (pose)

All: Seek sanctuary in these classic shades!

TRIO (Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) "I am a maiden"

Hilarion: I am a maiden, cold and stately, Heartless I, with face divine. What do I want with a heart, innately? Every heart I meet is mine! Every heart I meet is mine, is mine!

All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free, Little care I what maid may be. So that a maid is fair to see, Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!

(Dance)

Cyril: I am a maiden, frank and simple, Brimming with joyous roguery; Merriment lurks in ev'ry dimple Nobody breaks more hearts than I! Nobody breaks more hearts, more hearts than I

All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free, Little care I what maid may be. So that a maid is fair to see, Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!

(Dance)

Florian: I am a maiden coyly blushing, Timid am I as a startled hind; Every suitor sets me flushing, Every suitor sets me flushing: I am the maid that wins mankind!

All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free, Little care I what maid may be. So that a maid is fair to see, Ev'ry maid is the maid for me! Haughty, humble, coy, or free, Little care I what maid may be. So that a maid is fair to see, Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!

[Enter the Princess, reading. She does not see them.)

Florian: But who comes here? The Princess, as I live! What shall we do?

Hilarion: (Aside) Why, we must brave it out! (Aloud) Madam, accept our humblest reverence.

(They bow, then suddenly recollecting themselves, curtsey.)

Princess: (Surprised) We greet you, ladies. What would you with us?

Hilarion: (Aside to Cyril) What shall I say? (Aloud) We are three students, ma'am, Three well-born maids of liberal estate, Who wish to join this University.

(Hilarion and Florian curtsey again. Cyril bows extravagantly, then, being recalled to himself by Florian, curtseys.)

Princess: If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks, And will subscribe to all our rules, 'tis well.

Florian: To all your rules we cheerfully subscribe.

Princess: You say you're noblewomen. Well, you'll find No sham degrees for noblewomen here. You'll find no sizars here, or servitors, Or other cruel distinctions, meant to draw A line 'twixt rich and poor; you'll find no tufts To mark nobility, except such tufts As indicate nobility of brain. As for your fellow-students, mark me well: There are a hundred maids within these walls, All good, all learned, and all beautiful: They are prepared to love you: will you swear To give the fullness of your love to them?

Hilarion: Upon our words and honours, Ma'am, we will!

Princess: But we go further: Will you undertake That you will never marry any man?

Florian: Indeed we never will!

Princess: Consider well, You must prefer our maids to all mankind!

Hilarion: To all mankind we much prefer your maids!

Cyril: We should be dolts indeed, if we did not, seeing how fair —

Hilarion: (Aside to Cyril) Take care — that's rather strong!

Princess: But have you left no lovers at your home Who may pursue you here?

Hilarion: No, madam, none. We're homely ladies, as no doubt you see, And we have never fished for lover's love. We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems, False hair and meretricious ornament, To chain the fleeting fancy of a man, But do not imitate them. What we have Of hair, is all our own. Our colour, too, Unladylike, but not unwomanly, Is Nature's handiwork, and man has learnt To reckon Nature an impertinence.

Princess: Well, beauty counts for naught within these walls; If all you say is true, you'll pass with us A happy, happy time!

Cyril: If, as you say, A hundred lovely maidens wait within, To welcome us with smiles and open arms, I think there's very little doubt we shall!

QUARTET (Princess, Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) "The World is But a Broken Toy"

Princess: The world is but a broken toy, Its pleasure hollow — false its joy, Unreal its loveliest hue, Alas! Its pains alone are true, Alas! Its pains alone are true.

Hilarion: The world is ev'rything you say, The world we think has had its day. Its merriment is slow. Alas! We've tried it, and we know, Alas! We've tried it and we know.

All: Unreal its loveliest hue, Its pains alone are true,

Princess: Alas!

All: The world is but a broken toy, Its pleasure hollow — false its joy, Unreal its loveliest hue, Alas! Its pains alone are true, Alas! Its pains alone are true!

Florian: Unreal its loveliest hue,

3 Men: Unreal its loveliest hue,

Princess: Cyr. & Flor: A- Hilarion: Un- Un- las! real its loveliest hue real—- Alas! Alas! ——- —— its loveliest hue

All: Alas! Alas! Its pains alone are true.

(Exit Princess. The three Gentlemen watch her off. Lady Psyche enters, and regards them with amazement)

Hilarion: I'faith, the plunge is taken, gentlemen! For, willy-nilly, we are maidens now, And maids against our will we must remain. [All laugh heartily.]

Psyche: (Aside) These ladies are unseemly in their mirth.

(The gentlemen see her, and, in confusion, resume their modest demeanour.)

Florian: (Aside) Here's a catastrophe, Hilarion! This is my sister! She'll remember me, Though years have passed since she and I have met!

Hilarion: (Aside to Florian) Then make a virtue of necessity, And trust our secret to her gentle care.

Florian: (To Psyche, who has watched Cyril in amazement) Psyche! Why, don't you know me? Florian!

Psyche: (Amazed) Why, Florian!

Florian: My sister! (Embraces her)

Psyche: Oh, my dear! What are you doing here — and who are these?

Hilarion: I am that Prince Hilarion to whom Your Princess is betrothed. I come to claim Her plighted love. Your brother Florian And Cyril came to see me safely through.

Psyche: The Prince Hilarion? Cyril too? How strange! My earliest playfellows!

Hilarion: Why, let me look! Are you that learned little Psyche who At school alarmed her mates because she called A buttercup "ranunculus bulbosus"?

Cyril: Are you indeed that Lady Psyche, who At children's parties, drove the conjuror wild, Explaining all his tricks before he did them?

Hilarion: Are you that learned little Psyche, who At dinner parties, brought in to dessert, Would tackle visitors with "You don't know Who first determined longitude — I do — Hipparchus 'twas — B. C. one sixty-three!" Are you indeed that small phenomenon?

Psyche: That small phenomenon indeed am I! But gentlemen, 'tis death to enter here: We have all promised to renounce mankind!

Florian: Renounce mankind!? On what ground do you base This senseless resolution?

Psyche: Senseless? No. We are all taught, and, being taught, believe That Man, sprung from an Ape, is Ape at heart.

Cyril: That's rather strong.

Psyche: The truth is always strong!

SONG (Lady Psyche, with Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) "A Lady Fair, of Lineage High"

Psyche: A Lady fair, of lineage high, Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by. The Maid was radiant as the sun, The Ape was a most unsightly one, The Ape was a most unsightly one— So it would not do— His scheme fell through, For the Maid, when his love took formal shape, Express'd such terror At his monstrous error, That he stammer'd an apology and made his 'scape, The picture of a disconcerted Ape.

With a view to rise in the social scale, He shaved his bristles and he docked his tail, He grew mustachios, and he took his tub, And he paid a guinea to a toilet club, He paid a guinea to a toilet club— But it would not do, The scheme fell through— For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen, With golden tresses, Like a real princess's, While the Ape, despite his razor keen, Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen! He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits, He crammed his feet into bright tight boots— And to start in life on a brand-new plan, He christen'd himself Darwinian Man! But it would not do, The scheme fell through— For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey crav'd, Was a radiant Being, With brain far-seeing— While Darwinian Man, though well-behav'd, At best is only a monkey shav'd!

3 Men: For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey crav'd,

All: Was a radiant being, With a brain far-seeing— While Darwinian Man, though well-behav'd, At best is only a monkey shav'd!

(During this, Melissa has entered unobserved; she looks on in amazement.)

Melissa: (Coming down) Oh, Lady Psyche!

Psyche: (Terrified) What! You heard us then? Oh, all is lost!

Melissa: Not so! I'll breathe no word! (Advancing in astonishment to Florian) How marvelously strange! and are you then Indeed young men?

Florian: Well, yes, just now we are— But hope by dint of study to become, In course of time, young women.

Melissa: (Eagerly) No, no, no — Oh, don't do that! Is this indeed a man? I've often heard of them, but, till to-day, Never set eyes on one. They told me men Were hideous, idiotic, and deformed! They are quite as beautiful as women are! As beautiful, they're infinitely more so! Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness which One gets so weary of in womankind: Their features are more marked — and — oh, their chins! (Feeling Florian's chin) How curious!

Florian: I fear it's rather rough.

Melissa: (Eagerly) Oh, don't apologize — I like it so!

QUINTET (Psyche, Melissa, Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) "The Woman of the Wisest Wit"

Psyche: The woman of the wisest win May sometimes be mistaken, O! In Ida's views, I must admit, My faith is somewhat shaken O!

Cyril: On every other point than this Her learning is untainted, O! But Man's a theme with which she is Entirely unacquainted, O! —acquainted, O! —acquainted, O! Entirely unacquainted, O!

All: Then jump for joy and gaily bound, The truth is found — the truth is found! Set bells a-ringing through the air— Ring here and there and ev'rywhere—

3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,

All: The truth is found — the truth is found!

3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,

All: The truth is found — the truth is found! And echo forth the joyous sound, The truth is found — the truth is found!

(Dance)

Melissa: My natural instinct teaches me (And instinct is important, O!) You're ev'rything you ought to be, And nothing that you oughtn't, O!

Hilarion: That fact was seen at once by you In casual conversation, O! Which is most creditable to Your powers of observation, O! -servation, O! -servation, O! Your powers of observation, O!

All: Then jump for joy and gaily bound, The truth is found, the truth is found! Set bells a-ringing through the air, Ring here and there and ev'rywhere.

3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,

All: The truth is found — the truth is found!

3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,

All: The truth is found — the truth is found! And echo forth the joyous sound, The truth is found — the truth is found!

(Exeunt Psyche, Hilarion, Cyril and Florian,

Melissa going.)

(Enter Lady Blanche.

Blanche: Melissa!

Melissa: (Returning) Mother!

Blanche: Here — a word with you. Those are the three new students?

Melissa: (Confused) Yes, they are. They're charming girls.

Blanche: Particularly so. So graceful, and so very womanly! So skilled in all a girl's accomplishments!

Melissa: (Confused) Yes — very skilled.

Blanche: They sing so nicely too!

Melissa: They do sing nicely!

Blanche: Humph! It's very odd. Two are tenors, one is a baritone!

Melissa: (Much agitated) They've all got colds!

Blanche: Colds! Bah! D'ye think I'm blind? These "girls" are men disguised!

Melissa: Oh no — indeed! You wrong these gentlemen — I mean — why, see, Here is an etui dropped by one of them (picking up an etui). Containing scissors, needles, and —

Blanche: (Opening it) Cigars! Why, these are men! And you knew this, you minx!

Melissa: Oh, spare them — they are gentlemen indeed. The Prince Hilarion (married years ago To Princess Ida) with two trusted friends! Consider, mother, he's her husband now, And has been, twenty years! Consider, too, You're only second here — you should be first. Assist the Prince's plan, and when he gains The Princess Ida, why, you will be first. You will design the fashions — think of that— And always serve out all the punishments! The scheme is harmless, mother — wink at it!

Blanche: (Aside) The prospect's tempting! Well, well, well, I'll try — Though I've not winked at anything for years! 'Tis but one step towards my destiny— The mighty Must! the inevitable Shall!

DUET (Melissa and Lady Blanche) "Now Wouldn't you like to Rule the Roast"

Melissa: Now wouldn't you like to rule the roast And guide this University?

Blanche: I must agree, 'Twould pleasant be, (Sing hey, a Proper Pride!)

Melissa: And wouldn't you like to clear the coast, Of malice and perversity?

Blanche: Without a doubt, I'll bundle 'em out, (Sing hey, when I preside!)

Both: Sing hey! Sing hoity toity! Sorry for some! Sing marry, come up, and (my) her day will come! Sing Proper Pride Is the horse to ride, And Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O!

Blanche: For years I've writhed beneath her sneers, Although a born Plantagenet!

Melissa: You're much too meek, Or you would speak (Sing hey, I'll say no more!)

Blanche: Her elder I, by several years, Although you'd ne'er imagine it.

Melissa: Sing, so I've heard But never a word Have I e'er believ'd before!

Both: Sing hey! Sing hoity toity! Sorry for some! Sing marry, come up, and her (my) day will come! Sing, she shall learn That a worm will turn. Sing Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O!

(Exit Lady Blanche)

Melissa: Saved for a time, at least!

(Enter Florian, on tiptoe)

Florian: (Whispering) Melissa — come!

Melissa: Oh, sir! you must away from this at once— My mother guessed your sex! It was my fault— I blushed and stammered so that she exclaimed, "Can these be men?" Then, seeing this, "Why these—" "Are men", she would have added, but "are men" Stuck in her throat! She keeps your secret, sir, For reasons of her own — but fly from this And take me with you — that is — no — not that!

Florian: I'll go, but not without you! (Bell) Why, what's that?

Melissa: The luncheon bell.

Florian: I'll wait for luncheon then!

(Enter Hilarion with Princess, Cyril with Psyche, Lady Blanche and ladies. Also "Daughters of the Plough" bearing luncheon.)

CHORUS OF GIRLS & SOLOS (Blanche and Cyril) "Merrily Ring the Luncheon Bell"

Chorus: Merrily ring the luncheon bell! Merrily ring the luncheon bell! Here in meadow of asphodel, Feast we body and mind as well, Merrily ring the luncheon

1st Sops: 2nd Sops: bell! - - - —- bell! Oh merrily Ring - - - —- ring the luncheon oh, —- bell, Oh ring, - - - —- merrily, merrily, merrily, Oh, —- merrily

Chorus: Merrily ring the luncheon bell, the luncheon bell!

Blanche: Hunger, I beg to state, Is highly indelicate. This is a fact profoundly true, So learn your appetites to subdue.

All: Yes, yes, We'll learn our appetites to subdue!

Cyril: Madam, your words so wise, Nobody should despise, Curs'd with appetite keen I am And I'll subdue it— And I'll subdue it— I'll subdue it with cold roast lamb!

All: Yes — yes— We'll subdue it with cold roast lamb! Merrily ring the luncheon bell! Merrily ring the luncheon bell! Oh

1st Sops: ring! - - - —- 2nd Sophs: merrily, merrily, Oh, merrily, merrily

Chorus: Merrily ring the luncheon bell, the luncheon bell!

Princess: You say you know the court of Hildebrand? There is a Prince there — I forget his name —

Hilarion: Hilarion?

Princess: Exactly — is he well?

Hilarion: If it be well to droop and pine and mope, To sigh "Oh, Ida! Ida!" all day long, "Ida! my love! my life! Oh, come to me!" If it be well, I say, to do all this, Then Prince Hilarion is very well.

Princess: He breathes our name? Well, it's a common one! And is the booby comely?

Hilarion: Pretty well. I've heard it said that if I dressed myself In Prince Hilarion's clothes (supposing this Consisted with my maiden modesty), I might be taken for Hilarion's self. But what is this to you or me, who think Of all mankind with undisguised contempt?

Princess: Contempt? Why, damsel, when I think of man, Contempt is not the word.

Cyril: (Getting tipsy) I'm sure of that, Or if it is, it surely should not be!

Hilarion: (Aside to Cyril) Be quiet, idiot, or they'll find us out.

Cyril: The Prince Hilarion's a goodly lad!