PAR. A special fellow this! who drives fools mad.

GNAT. Deep in this conversation, we at length Come to the market, where the sev'ral tradesmen, Butchers, cooks, grocers, poult'rers, fishmongers, (Who once did profit and still profit by me,) All run with joy to me, salute, invite, And bid me welcome. He, poor half-starv'd wretch, Soon as he saw me thus caress'd, and found I got my bread so easily, desired He might have leave to learn that art of me. I bade him follow me, if possible: And, as the Schools of the Philosophers Have ta'en from the Philosophers their names, So, in like manner, let all Parasites Be call'd from me Gnathonics!

PAR. Mark, what ease, And being kept at other's cost, produces!

GNAT. But hold, I must convey this girl to Thais, And bid her forth to sup.—Ha, Parmeno! Our rival's slave, standing at Thais' door! —How melancholy he appears! All's safe: These poor rogues find but a cold welcome here. I'll play upon this knave. (Aside.)

PAR. These fellows think This present will make Thais all their own. (Aside.)

GNAT. To Parmeno, his lov'd and honor'd friend, Gnatho sends greeting. (Ironically.)—What are you upon?

PAR. My legs.

GNAT. I see it.—Is there nothing here Displeasing to you?

PAR. You.

GNAT. I do believe it. But prithee, is there nothing else?

PAR. Wherefore?

GNAT. Because you're melancholy.

PAR. Not at all.

GNAT. Well, do not be so!—Pray, now, what d'ye think Of this young handmaid?

PAR. Troth, she's not amiss.

GNAT. I plague the rascal. (Half aside.)

PAR. How the knave's deceiv'd! (Half aside.)

GNAT. Will not this gift be very acceptable To Thais, think you?

PAR. You'd insinuate That we're shut out.—There is, alas, a change In all things.

GNAT. For these six months, Parmeno, For six whole months at least, I'll make you easy; You sha'n't run up and down, and watch till daylight; Come, don't I make you happy?

PAR. Very happy.

GNAT. 'Tis my way with my friends.

PAR. You're very good.

GNAT. But I detain you: you, perhaps, was going Somewhere else.

PAR. Nowhere.

GNAT. May I beg you then To use your int'rest here, and introduce me To Thais?

PAR. Hence! away! these doors Fly open now, because you carry her.

GNAT. Would you have any one call'd forth? (Exit.

PAR. Well, well! Pass but two days; and you, so welcome now, That the doors open with your little finger, Shall kick against them then, I warrant you, Till your heels ache again.

Re-enter GNATHO.

GNAT. Ha! Parmeno! Are you here still? What! are you left a spy, Lest any go-between should run by stealth To Thais from the Captain? (Exit.

PAR. Very smart! No wonder such a wit delights the Captain! But hold! I see my master's younger son Coming this way. I wonder much he should Desert Piraeus, where he's now on guard. 'Tis not for nothing. All in haste he comes, And seems to look about.

[Changes:

SCENE II. Labeled SCENE III in 1768 edition (see end of Scene I).

All quotation marks in this scene are supplied from the 1768 edition.

Harper He was in a most wretched trim; his looks Colman 1768 Seeing him in a wretched trim; his looks

But mine's a new profession; I the first Harper edition prints "But mine 's" with anomalous spacing

Harper (Who once did profit and still profit by me,) Colman 1768 (Who, while my means were ample, profited, And, tho' now wasted, profit by me still,)]

SCENE III.

Enter CHAEREA; PARMENO behind.

CHAER. Undone! undone! The Girl is lost; I know not where she is, Nor where I am: ah, whither shall I trace? Where seek? of whom inquire? or which way turn? I'm all uncertain; but have one hope still: Where'er she is, she can not long lie hid. Oh charming face! all others from my memory Hence I blot out. Away with common beauties!

PAR. So, here's the other! and he mutters too I know not what of love. Oh what a poor Unfortunate old man their father is! As for this stripling, if he once begin, His brother's is but jest and children's play To his mad fury.

CHAER. Twice ten thousand curses Seize the old wretch, who kept me back to-day; And me for staying! with a fellow too I did not care a farthing for!—But see! Yonder stands Parmeno.—Good-day!

PAR. How now? Wherefore so sad? and why this hurry, Chaerea? Whence come you?

CHAER. I? I can not tell, i'faith, Whence I am come, or whither I am going, I've so entirely lost myself.

PAR. And why?

CHAER. I am in love.

PAR. Oh brave!

CHAER. Now, Parmeno, Now you may show what kind of man you are. You know you've often told me; "Chaerea, Find something out to set your heart upon, And mark how I will serve you!" yes, you know You've often said so, when I scrap'd together All the provisions for you at my father's.

PAR. Away, you trifler!

CHAER. Nay, in faith, it's true: Now make your promise good! and in a cause Worthy the utmost reachings of your soul: A girl! my Parmeno, not like our misses; Whose mothers try to keep their shoulders down, And bind their bosoms, that their shapes may seem Genteel and slim. Is a girl rather plump? They call her nurse, and stint her in her food: Thus art, in spits of nature, makes them all Mere bulrushes: and therefore they're belov'd.

PAR. And what's this girl of yours?

CHAER. A miracle.

PAR. Oh, to be sure!

CHAER. True, natural red and white; Her body firm, and full of precious stuff!

PAR. Her age?

CHAER. About sixteen.

PAR. The very prime!

CHAER. This girl, by force, by stealth, or by entreaty, Procure me! how I care not, so I have her.

PAR. Well, whom does she belong to?

CHAER. I don't know.

PAR. Whence comes she?

CHAER. I can't tell.

PAR. Where does she live?

CHAER. I can't tell neither.

PAR. Where was it you saw her?

CHAER. Here in the street.

PAR. And how was it you lost her?

CHAER. Why it was that, which I so fumed about, As I came hither! nor was ever man So jilted by good fortune as myself.

PAR. What mischief now?

CHAER. Confounded luck.

PAR. How so?

CHAER. How so! d'ye know one Archidemides, My father's kinsman, and about his age?

PAR. Full well.

CHAER. As I was in pursuit of her He met me.

PAR. Rather inconveniently.

CHAER. Oh most unhappily! for other ills May be told, Parmeno!—I could swear too, For six, nay seven months, I had not seen him, Till now, when least I wish'd and most would shun it. Is not this monstrous? Eh!

PAR. Oh! very monstrous.

CHAER. Soon as from far he saw me, instantly, Bent, trembling, drop-jaw'd, gasping, out of breath, He hobbled up to me.—"Holo! ho! Chaerea!"—— I stopp'd.—"D'ye know what I want with you?"—"What?" —"I have a cause to-morrow."—"Well! what then?"—— —"Fail not to tell your father, he remember To go up with me, as an advocate."—— His prating took some time. "Aught else?" said I. "Nothing," said he:—Away flew I, and saw The girl that instant turn into this street.

PAR. Sure he must mean the virgin, just now brought To Thais for a present.

CHAER. Soon as I Came hither, she was out of sight.

PAR. Had she Any attendants?

CHAER. Yes; a parasite, With a maid-servant.

PAR. 'Tis the very same; Away! have done! all's over.

CHAER. What d'ye mean?

PAR. The girl I mean.

CHAER. D'ye know then who she is? Tell me!—or have you seen her?

PAR. Yes, I've seen her; I know her; and can tell you where she is.

CHAER. How! my dear Parmeno, d'ye know her?

PAR. Yes.

CHAER. And where she is, d'ye know?

PAR. Yes,—there she is; (Pointing.) Carried to Madam Thais for a present.

CHAER. What monarch could bestow a gift so precious?

PAR. The mighty Captain Thraso, Phaedria's rival.

CHAER. Alas, poor brother!

PAR. Aye, and if you knew The gift he sends to be compar'd with this, You'd cry alas, indeed!

CHAER. What is his gift?

PAR. An Eunuch.

CHAER. What! that old and ugly slave That he bought yesterday?

PAR. The very same.

CHAER. Why, surely, he'll be trundled out o' doors He and his gift together—I ne'er knew Till now that Thais was our neighbor.

PAR. She Has not been long so.

CHAER. Ev'ry way unlucky: Ne'er to have seen her neither:—Prithee, tell me, Is she so handsome, as she's said to be?

PAR. Yes, faith!

CHAER. But nothing to compare to mine.

PAR. Oh, quite another thing.

CHAER. But Parmeno! Contrive that I may have her.

PAR. Well, I will. Depend on my assistance:—have you any Further commands? (As if going.)

CHAER. Where are you going?

PAR. Home; To bring according to your brother's order, The slaves to Thais.

CHAER. Oh, that happy Eunuch! To be convey'd into that house!

PAR. Why so?

CHAER. Why so? why, he shall have that charming girl His fellow-servant, see her, speak with her, Be with her in the same house all day long, And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her.

PAR. And what if you should be so happy?

CHAER. How? Tell me, dear Parmeno!

PAR. Assume his dress.

CHAER. His dress! what then?

PAR. I'll carry you for him.

CHAER. I hear you.

PAR. I will say that you are he.

CHAER. I understand you.

PAR. So shall you enjoy Those blessings which but now you envied him: Eat with her, be with her, touch, toy with her, And sleep by her: since none of Thais' maids Know you, or dream of what you are. Besides, Your figure, and your age are such, that you May well pass for an Eunuch.

CHAER. Oh, well said! I ne'er heard better counsel. Come, let's in? Dress me, and carry me! Away, make haste!

PAR. What are you at? I did but jest.

CHAER. You trifle.

PAR. I'm ruin'd: fool, what have I done? Nay, whither D'ye push me thus? You'll throw me down. Nay, stay!

CHAER. Away.

PAR. Nay, prithee!

CHAER. I'm resolv'd.

PAR. Consider; You carry this too far.

CHAER. No, not at all. Give way!

PAR. And Parmeno must pay for all. Ah, we do wrong!

CHAER. Is it then wrong for me To be convey'd into a house of harlots, And turn those very arts on them, with which They hamper us, and turn our youth to scorn? Can it be wrong for me too, in my turn, To deceive them, by whom we're all deceiv'd? No, rather let it be! 'tis just to play This trick upon them: which, if gray-beards know, They'll blame indeed, but all will think well done.

PAR. Well, if you must, you must; but do not then, After all's over, throw the blame on me.

CHAER. No, no!

PAR. But do you order me?

CHAER. I do: Order, command, force.

PAR. Oh, I'll not dispute Your pow'r. So, follow me.

CHAER. Heav'n speed the plow.

[Changes:

SCENE III. Labeled SCENE IV in 1768 edition.

You know you've often told me; "Chaerea, ... And mark how I will serve you!" ... Quotation marks supplied from 1768 edition

Harper CHAER. Oh most unhappily! for other ills May be told, Parmeno!—I could swear too Colman 1768 CHAER. Oh most unhappily! for lighter ills May pass for inconvenient, Parmeno. Nay, I could swear, with a safe conscience too

He hobbled up to me.—"Holo! ho! Chaerea!"—— All quotation marks in this speech supplied from 1768 edition

Harper CHAER. Soon as I Came hither, she was out of sight. PAR. Had she Any attendants? Colman 1768 CHAER. When I reach'd This place, the girl was vanish'd. PAR. Had your lady Any attendants?

Harper He and his gift together—I ne'er knew Till now that Thais was our neighbor. PAR. She Has not been long so. Colman 1768 He and his gift together—But till now I never knew this Thais was our neighbour. PAR. She came but lately.

PAR. Yes, faith. Harper edition has question mark

Harper His fellow-servant, see her, speak with her, Be with her in the same house all day long, And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her. Colman 1768 His fellow-servant, see her all day long, Converse with her, dwell under the same roof, And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her.

Harper Order, command, force. PAR. Oh, I'll not dispute Your pow'r. So, follow me. CHAER. Heav'n speed the plow. Colman 1768 Order, command, compel you; nor will e'er Deny, or disavow my putting-on. PAR. Come on then: follow me! CHAER. Heav'n grant success!]



ACT THE THIRD.

SCENE I.

Enter THRASO and GNATHO.

THRASO. And Thais then returns me many thanks?

GNAT. Ten thousand.

THRA. Say, is she delighted with it?

GNAT. Not so much with the gift itself, as that By you 'twas given: but therein she triumphs.

Enter PARMENO behind.

PAR. I'm come to look about me, and observe A proper opportunity to bring My presents. But behold the Captain!

THRA. 'Tis Something, I know not how, peculiar to me, That all I do 's agreeable.

GNAT. In truth I have observ'd it.

THRA. E'en the King always Held himself much obliged, whate'er I did: Not so to others.

GNAT. Men of wit, like you, The glory, got by others' care and toil, Often transfer unto themselves.

THRA. You've hit it.

GNAT. The king then held you——

THRA. Certainly.

GNAT. Most dear.

THRA. Most near. He trusted his whole army to me, His counsels.——

GNAT. Wonderful!

THRA. And then whene'er Satiety of company, or hate Of business seiz'd him—when he would repose—— As if——you understand me.

GNAT. Perfectly. When he would—in a manner—clear his stomach Of all uneasiness.

THRA. The very thing. On such occasions he chose none but me.

GNAT. Hui! there's a king indeed! a king of taste!

THRA. One of a thousand.

GNAT. Of a million sure! —If he could live with you. (Aside.)

THRA. The courtiers all Began to envy me, and rail'd in secret: I car'd not; whence their spleen increas'd the more. One in particular, who had the charge Of th' Indian elephants; who grew at last So very troublesome, "I prithee, Strato, Are you so savage, and so fierce, (says I,) Because you're governor of the wild beasts?"

GNAT. Oh, finely said! and shrewdly! excellent! Too hard upon him!—what said he to't?

THRA. Nothing.

GNAT. And how the devil should he?

PAR. Gracious Heav'n! The stupid coxcomb!—and that rascal too! (Aside.)

THRA. Aye! but the story of the Rhodian, Gnatho! How smart I was upon him at a feast—— Did I ne'er tell you?

GNAT. Never: but pray do! —I've heard it o'er and o'er a thousand times. (Aside.)

THRA. We were by chance together at a feast—— This Rhodian, that I told you of and I.—— I, as it happen'd, had a wench: the spark Began to toy with her, and laugh at me. "Why how now, Impudence! (said I,) are you A hare yourself, and yet would hunt for game?"

GNAT. Ha! ha! ha!

THRA. What's the matter?

GNAT. Ha! ha! ha! Witty! smart! excellent! incomparable! Is it your own? I swear I thought 'twas old.

THRA. Why, did you ever hear it?

GNAT. Very often; And reckon'd admirable.

THRA. 'Tis my own.

GNAT. And yet 'twas pity to be so severe On a young fellow, and a gentleman.

PAR. Ah! devil take you! (Aside.)

GNAT. What became of him?

THRA. It did for him. The company were all Ready to die with laughing:—in a word, They dreaded me.

GNAT. No wonder.

THRA. Harkye, Gnatho! Thais, you know, suspects I love this girl. Shall I acquit myself?

GNAT. On no account. Rather increase her jealousy.

THRA. And why?

GNAT. Why?—do you ask?—as if you didn't know!—— Whene'er she mentions Phaedria, or whene'er She praises him, to vex you——

THRA. I perceive.

GNAT. To hinder that, you've only this resource. When she names Phaedria, name you Pamphila. If she should say, "come! let's have Phaedria To dinner with us!"—"aye, and Pamphila To sing to us!"—if she praise Phaedria's person, Praise you the girl's! so give her tit for tat, And gall her in her turn.

THRA. Suppose she lov'd me, This might avail me, Gnatho!

GNAT. While she loves The presents which you give, expecting more, So long she loves you; and so long you may Have pow'r to vex her. She will always fear To make you angry, lest some other reap The harvest, which she now enjoys alone.

THRA. You're right: and yet I never thought of it.

GNAT. Ridiculous! because you did not turn Your thoughts that way; or with how much more ease Would you have hit on this device yourself!

[Changes:

Harper GNAT. Not so much with the gift itself, as that By you 'twas given: but therein she triumphs. Enter PARMENO behind. PAR. I'm come to look about me, and observe A proper opportunity to bring My presents. But behold the Captain! THRA. 'Tis Something, I know not how, peculiar to me, That all I do 's agreeable. GNAT. In truth I have observ'd it. THRA. E'en the King always Colman 1768 GNAT. Not for the present's sake so much, as that From you it was presented: But therein She truly triumphs. Enter PARMENO behind. PAR. I'm upon the watch, To mark a proper opportunity To bring my presents. But behold the Captain? [with question mark] THRA. It is, indeed, something, I know not how, Peculiar to me, do whate'er I please, It will appear agreeable. GNAT. In truth I always have observ'd it. THRA. Ev'n the King

Harper THRA. One of a thousand. GNAT. Of a million sure! —If he could live with you. Colman 1768 THRA. No general man, I promise you. GNAT. Oh no! He must have been particular indeed, If he convers'd with You.

If she should say, "come! let's have Phaedria ... quotation marks in this speech supplied from 1768 edition]

SCENE II.

Enter THAIS and PYTHIAS.

THAIS. I thought I heard the Captain's voice: and see! Good-day, my Thraso!

THRA. Oh my Thais, welcome! How does my sweeting?—are you fond of me For sending you that music-girl?

PAR. Oh brave! He sets out nobly!

THAIS. For your worth I love you.

GNAT. Come, let's to supper? why do you delay?

PAR. Mark t'other! he's a chip of the old block.

THAIS. I'm ready when you please.

PAR. I'll up to her, And seem as if but now come forth.—Ha! Thais, Where are you gadding?

THAIS. Well met, Parmeno! I was just going——

PAR. Whither?

THAIS. Don't you see The Captain?

PAR. Yes, I see him—to my sorrow. The presents from my master wait your pleasure.

THRA. Why do we stop thus? wherefore go not hence? (Angrily.)

PAR. Beseech you, Captain, let us, with your leave, Produce our presents, treat, and parley with her!

THRA. Fine gifts, I warrant you, compar'd with mine!

PAR. They'll answer for themselves—Holo, there! order The slaves, I told you, to come forth.—Here, this way!

Enter a BLACK GIRL.

Do you stand forward!—This girl, ma'am, comes quite From Ethiopia.

THRA. Worth about three Minae.

GNAT. Scarce.

PAR. Ho! where are you, Dorus?—Oh, come hither!

Enter CHAEREA in the Eunuch's habit.

An Eunuch, Madam! of a lib'ral air, And in his prime!

THAIS. Now as I live, he's handsome!

PAR. What say you, Gnatho? Is he despicable? Or, Captain, what say you?—Dumb?—Praise sufficient; Try him in letters, exercises, music: In all the arts, a gentleman should know, I'll warrant him accomplish'd.

THRA. Troth, that Eunuch Is well enough.

PAR. And he, who sends these presents, Requires you not to live for him alone, And for his sake to shut out all mankind: Nor does he tell his battles, show his wounds, Or shackle your free will, as some folks do.

(Looking at THRASO.)

But when 'twill not be troublesome, or when You've leisure, in due season, he's content If then he is admitted.

THRA. This poor fellow Seems to belong to a poor wretched master.

GNAT. Beyond all doubt; for who that could obtain Another, would endure a slave like this?

PAR. Peace, wretch, that art below the meanest slave! You that could bring your mind so very low, As to cry aye and no at yon fool's bidding, I'm sure, might get your bread out o'the fire.

THRA. Why don't we go? (Impatiently.)

THAIS. Let me but carry in These first, and give some orders in the house, And I'll attend you. (Exit with CHAEREA, and the Ethiopian.

THRA. I'll depart from hence. Gnatho, wait you for her!

PAR. It ill beseems The dignity of a renown'd commander, T' escort his mistress in the street.

THRA. Away, Slave! you're beneath my notice—like your master. (Exit PARMENO.

GNAT. Ha! ha! ha! ha!

THRA. What moves your laughter?

GNAT. That You said just now: and then the Rhodian came Across my mind.——But Thais comes.

THRA. Go run, And see that ev'ry thing's prepar'd at home!

GNAT. It shall be done. (Exit.

THAIS (entering with PYTHIAS). Take care now, Pythias, Great care, if Chremes come, to press him stay; Or, if that's inconvenient, to return: If that's impossible, then bring him to me!

PYTH. I'll do so.

THAIS. Hold! what else had I to say? Take care, be sure, of yonder virgin! see, You keep at home.

THRA. Let's go.

THAIS. Girls, follow me!

(Exit, attended by Servants and THRASO.

[Changes:

Harper PAR. They'll answer for themselves—Holo, there! order The slaves, I told you, to come forth.—Here, this way! Enter a BLACK GIRL. Do you stand forward!—This girl, ma'am, comes quite From Ethiopia. THRA. Worth about three Minae. Colman 1768 PAR. They'll answer for themselves—Ho, there! within! Order the slaves, I told you, to come forth. Enter a BLACK GIRL. This way! do you stand forward!—This girl, ma'am, Comes quite from AEthiopia. THRA. Worth three Minae.

Harper THAIS. Let me but carry in Colman 1768 THAIS. Let me but introduce

Harper THRA. What moves your laughter? GNAT. That You said just now: and then the Rhodian came Colman 1768 THRA. What moves your laughter, Gnatho? GNAT. Your speech but now: and then the Rhodian came]

SCENE III.

CHREMES alone.

In truth the more and more I think, the more I am convinc'd that Thais means me ill: So plain I see her arts to draw me in. Ev'n when she first invited me, (and when Had any ask'd, What business have you there? The question would have stagger'd me,) she fram'd Sev'ral excuses to detain me there. Said she had made a sacrifice, and had Affairs of consequence to settle with me. —Oho! thought I immediately, I smell A trick upon me!—down she sat, behav'd Familiarly, and tried to beat about For conversation. Being at a loss, She ask'd, how long my parents had been dead? —I told her, long time since:—on which she ask'd, Whether I had a country-house at Sunium? —And how far from the sea?—I half believe She likes my villa, and would wheedle me To give it her.—Her final questions were, If I ne'er lost a little sister thence? —Who was miss'd with her?—what she had when lost? If any one could know her? Why should Thais Demand all this, unless,—a saucy baggage!—— She means to play the counterfeit, and feign Herself that sister?—but if she's alive, She is about sixteen, not more; Thais Is elder than myself.—She sent beside To beg I'd come again.—Or, let her say What she would have; or, not be troublesome! I'll not return a third time.—Ho! who's there? Here am I! Chremes!

[Changes:

Harper If any one could know her? Why should Thais Demand all this, unless,—a saucy baggage!—— She means to play the counterfeit, and feign Herself that sister?—but if she's alive, She is about sixteen, not more; Thais Is elder than myself.—She sent beside To beg I'd come again.—Or, let her say What she would have; or, not be troublesome! Colman 1768 —If there was any body capable Of recollecting her?—Why all these questions? Unless perhaps she means,—a saucy baggage!— To play the counterfeit, and feign herself That sister, who was lost so long ago? But she, if living, is about sixteen; Not more: and Thais older than myself. She sent beside to press me earnestly To visit her again.—Or, let her say What she would have; or, trouble me no more!]

SCENE IV.

Enter PYTHIAS.

PYTH. Oh, sweet, charming, Sir!

CHRE. A coaxing hussy!

PYTH. Thais begs and prays You'd come again to-morrow.

CHRE. I am going Into the country.

PYTH. Nay, now prithee come?

CHRE. I can't, I tell you.

PYTH. Walk in, then, and stay Till she returns herself.

CHRE. Not I.

PYTH. And why, Dear Chremes?

CHRE. Go, and hang yourself!

PYTH. Well, Sir, Since you're so positive, shall I entreat you To go to her?

CHRE. I will.

PYTH. Here, Dorias! (A maid-servant enters.) Conduct this gentleman to Captain Thraso's.

(PYTHIAS re-enters.—CHREMES goes out another way with DORIAS.)

[Changes:

Harper CHRE. Go, and hang yourself! Colman 1768 CHRE. Off, you saucy slut!]

SCENE V.

ANTIPHO alone.

But yesterday a knot of us young fellows Assembled at Piraeus, and agreed To club together for a feast to-day. Chaerea had charge of all; the rings were given, And time and place appointed.—The time's past; No entertainment's at the place; and Chaerea Is nowhere to be found.—I can't tell what To think on't.—Yet the rest of my companions Have all commission'd me to seek him out. I'll see if he's at home;—but who comes here From Thais?—Is it he, or no?—'Tis he.—— —What manner of man's here?—what habit's that? —What mischief has the rogue been at? I'm all Astonishment, and can not guess.—But I'll Withdraw a while, and try to find it out. (Retires.)

[Changes:

Harper Is nowhere to be found.—I can't tell what To think on't.—Yet the rest of my companions Have all commission'd me to seek him out. Colman 1768 Is no where to be met with.—For my part, I'm quite to seek in this; and what to say, Or guess, I know not.—Yet the company Have all commission'd me to find him out.

Harper —What mischief has the rogue been at? I'm all Astonishment, and can not guess.—But I'll Withdraw a while, and try to find it out. Colman 1768 —What mischief is the meaning of all this? I'm all astonishment, and can not guess. But I'll withdraw a while, and try to learn.]

SCENE VI.

Enter CHAEREA, in the Eunuch's habit.

CHAER. (looking about). Is any body here?—No, nobody. Does any follow me?—No, nobody. May I then let my ecstasy break forth! O Jupiter! 'tis now the very time, When I could suffer to be put to death, Lest not another transport like to this, Remain in life to come.—But is there not Some curious impertinent to come Across me now, and murder me with questions? —To ask, why I'm so flutter'd? why so joyful? Whither I'm going? whence I came? and where I got this habit? what I'm looking after? Whether I'm in my senses? or stark mad?

ANTI. I'll go myself, and do that kindness to him. Chaerea, (advancing,) what's all this flutter? what's this dress? What is't transports you? what d'ye want? art mad? Why do ye start at me? and why not speak?

CHAER. O happy, happy day!—Save you, dear friend! There's not a man on earth I'd rather see This moment than yourself.

ANTI. Come, tell me all!

CHAER. Tell you! I will beseech you give me hearing. D'ye know my brother's mistress here?

ANTI. Yes: Thais, Or I'm deceiv'd.

CHAER. The same.

ANTI. I do remember.

CHAER. To-day a girl was sent a present to her. Why need I speak or praise her beauty now To you, that know me, and my taste so well? She set me all on fire.

ANTI. Is she so handsome?

CHAER. Most exquisite: Oh, had you but once seen her, You would pronounce her, I am confident, The first of womankind.—But to be brief, I fell in love with her.—By great good luck There was at home an Eunuch, which my brother Had bought for Thais, but not yet sent thither. —I had a gentle hint from Parmeno, Which I seiz'd greedily.

ANTI. And what was that?

CHAER. Peace, and I'll tell you.—To change dresses with him, And order Parmeno to carry me Instead of him.

ANTI. How? for an Eunuch, you?

CHAER. E'en so.

ANTI. What good could you derive from that?

CHAER. What good!—why, see, and hear, and be with her I languish'd for, my Antipho!—was that An idle reason, or a trivial good? —To Thais I'm deliver'd; she receives me, And carries me with joy into her house; Commits the charming girl——

ANTI. To whom?——to you?

CHAER. To me.

ANTI. In special hands, I must confess.

CHAER. —Enjoins me to permit no man come near her; Nor to depart, myself, one instant from her; But in an inner chamber to remain Alone with her alone. I nod, and look Bashfully on the ground.

ANTI. Poor simple soul!

CHAER. I am bid forth, says she; and carries off All her maid-servants with her, save some few Raw novices, who straight prepar'd the bath. I bade them haste; and while it was preparing, In a retiring-room the Virgin sat; Viewing a picture, where the tale was drawn Of Jove's descending in a golden show'r To Danae's bosom.——I beheld it too, And because he of old the like game play'd, I felt my mind exult the more within me, That Jove should change himself into a man, And steal in secret through a stranger-roof, With a mere woman to intrigue.—Great Jove, Who shakes the highest heav'ns with his thunder! And I, poor mortal man, not do the same!—— I did it, and with all my heart I did it. —While thoughts, like these, possess'd my soul, they call'd The girl to bathe. She goes, bathes, then returns: Which done, the servants put her into bed. I stand to wait their orders. Up comes one, "Here, harkye, Dorus! take this fan and mark You cool her gently thus, while we go bathe. When we have bath'd, you, if you please, bathe too," I, with a sober air, receive the fan.

ANTI. Then would I fain have seen your simple face! I should have been delighted to behold How like an ass you look'd, and held the fan.

CHAER. Scarce had she spoke, when all rush'd out o' doors; Away they go to bathe; grow full of noise, As servants use, when masters are abroad. Meanwhile sleep seiz'd the virgin: I, by stealth, Peep'd through the fan-sticks thus; then looking round, And seeing all was safe, made fast the door.

ANTI. What then?

CHAER. What then, fool!

ANTI. I confess.

CHAER. D'ye think, Bless'd with an opportunity like this, So short, so wish'd for, yet so unexpected, I'd let it slip? No. Then I'd been, indeed, The thing I counterfeited.

ANTI. Very true. But what's become of our club-supper?

CHAER. Ready.

ANTI. An honest fellow! where? at your own house?

CHAER. At Freeman Discus's.

ANTI. A great way off.

CHAER. Then we must make more haste.

ANTI. But change your dress.

CHAER. Where can I change it? I'm distress'd. From home I must play truant, lest I meet my brother. My father too, perhaps, is come to town.

ANTI. Come then to my house! that's the nearest place Where you may shift.

CHAER. With all my heart! let's go! And at the same time, I'll consult with you How to enjoy this dear girl.

ANTI. Be it so.

[Changes:

Harper Whither I'm going? whence I came? and where Colman 1768 Whither I'm going? from whence I came? and where

Harper ANTI. Yes: Thais, Or I'm deceiv'd. CHAER. The same. ANTI. I do remember. Colman 1768 ANTI. I do: Thais, I think. CHAER. The same. ANTI. I recollect.

Harper The first of womankind.—But to be brief Colman 1768 The first of womankind.—But in a word

To Danae's bosom. Harper edition misprints "Danae's"

"Here, harkye, Dorus! take this fan ... quotation marks in this speech supplied from 1768 edition

Harper ANTI. Come then to my house! that's the nearest place Colman 1768 ANTI. Come to my house then! that's the nearest place]



ACT THE FOURTH.

SCENE I.

Enter DORIAS, with a Casket.

DORIAS.

Now, as I hope for mercy, I'm afraid, From what I've seen, lest yonder swaggerer Make some disturbance, or do violence To Thais. For as soon as Chremes came, (The youth that's brother to the virgin,) she Beseech'd of Thraso he might be admitted. This piqu'd him; yet he durst not well refuse. She, fearing Chremes should not be detain'd, Till she had time and opportunity To tell him all she wish'd about his sister, Urg'd Thraso more and more to ask him in. The Captain coldly asks him; down he sat; And Thais enter'd into chat with him. The Captain, fancying a rival brought Before his face, resolv'd to vex her too: "Here, boy," said he, "let Pamphila be call'd To entertain us!"—"Pamphila!" cries Thais; "She at a banquet?—No it must not be."—— Thraso insisting on't, a broil ensued: On which my mistress slyly slipping off Her jewels, gave them me to bear away; Which is, I know, a certain sign, she will, As soon as possible, sneak off herself. Exit.)

[Changes:

all quotation marks isupplied from 1768 edition

Harper (The youth that's brother to the virgin,) she Beseech'd of Thraso he might be admitted. Colman 1768 (Chremes, the youth that's brother to the virgin,) She beg'd of Thraso, he might be admitted.]

SCENE II.

Enter PHAEDRIA.

PHAED. Going into the country, I began (As happens when the mind is ill at ease) To ponder with myself upon the road, Tossing from thought to thought, and viewing all In the worst light. While thus I ruminate, I pass unconsciously my country-house, And had got far beyond, ere I perceiv'd it. I turn'd about, but with a heavy heart; And soon as to the very spot I came Where the roads part, I stop. Then paus'd a while: "Alas! thought I, and must I here remain] Two days? alone: without her?—Well! what then? That's nothing.—What, is't nothing?—If I've not The privilege to touch her, shall I not Behold her neither?—If one may not be, At least the other shall.—And certainly Love, in its last degree, is something still." —Then I, on purpose, pass'd the house.—But see! Pythias breaks forth affrighted.—What means this?

[Changes:

"Alas! thought I ... quotation marks in this speech supplied from 1768 edition

SCENE III.

Enter PYTHIAS and DORIAS; PHAEDRIA at a distance.

PYTH. Where shall I find, unhappy that I am, Where seek this rascal-slave?—this slave, that durst To do a deed like this?—Undone! undone!

PHAED. What this may be, I dread.

PYTH. And then the villain, After he had abused the virgin, tore The poor girl's clothes, and dragg'd her by the hair.

PHAED. How's this!

PYTH. Who, were he now within my reach, How could I fly upon the vagabond, And tear the villain's eyes out with my nails?

PHAED. What tumult's this, arisen in my absence? I'll go and ask her.— (Going up.) What's the matter, Pythias? Why thus disturb'd? and whom is it you seek?

PYTH. Whom do I seek? Away, Sir Phaedria! You and your gifts together!

PHAED. What's the matter?

PYTH. The matter, Sir! the Eunuch, that you sent us, Has made fine work here! the young virgin, whom The Captain gave my mistress, he has ravish'd.

PHAED. Ravish'd? How say you?

PYTH. Ruin'd, and undone!

PHAED. You're drunk.

PYTH. Would those who wish me ill were so!

DORI. Ah Pythias! what strange prodigy is this?

PHAED. You're mad: how could an Eunuch——

PYTH. I don't know Or who, or what he was.—What he has done, The thing itself declares.——The virgin weeps, Nor, when you ask what ails her, dare she tell. But he, good man, is nowhere to be found: And I fear too, that when he stole away, He carried something off.

PHAED. I can't conceive Whither the rascal can have flown, unless He to our house, perhaps, slunk back again.

PYTH. See now, I pray you, if he has.

PHAED. I will. (Exit.

DORI. Good lack! so strange a thing I never heard.

PYTH. I've heard, that they lov'd women mightily But could do nothing; yet I never thought on't: For if I had, I'd have confin'd him close In some by-place, nor trusted the girl to him.

SCENE IV.

Re-enter PHAEDRIA, with DORUS the Eunuch, in CHAEREA'S clothes.

PHAED. Out, rascal, out!—What are you resty, Sirrah? Out, thou vile bargain!

DOR. Dear Sir! (Crying.)

PHAED. See the wretch! What a wry mouth he makes!—Come, what's the meaning Of your returning? and your change of dress? What answer, Sirrah!—If I had delay'd A minute longer, Pythias, I had miss'd him, He was equipp'd so bravely for his flight.

PYTH. What, have you got the rogue?

PHAED. I warrant you.

PYTH. Well done! well done!

DORI. Aye, marry, very well.

PYTH. Where is he?

PHAED. Don't you see him?

PYTH. See him? whom?

PHAED. This fellow, to be sure.

PYTH. This man! who is he?

PHAED. He that was carried to your house to-day.

PYTH. None of our people ever laid their eyes Upon this fellow, Phaedria!

PHAED. Never saw him?

PYTH. Why, did you think this fellow had been brought To us?

PHAED. Yes, surely; for I had no other.

PYTH. Oh dear! this fellow's not to be compar'd To t'other.—He was elegant, and handsome.

PHAED. Aye, so he might appear a while ago, Because he had gay clothes on: now he seems Ugly, because he's stripped.

PYTH. Nay, prithee, peace! As if the diff'rence was so very small!—— The youth conducted to our house to-day, 'Twould do you good to cast your eyes on, Phaedria: This is a drowsy, wither'd, weasel-fac'd, Old fellow.

PHAED. How?——you drive me to that pass, That I scarce know what I have done myself. —Did not I buy you, rascal? (To DORUS.)

DOR. Yes, Sir.

PYTH. Order him To answer me.

PHAED. Well, question him.

PYTH. (to DORUS). Was you Brought here to-day? (Shakes his head.) See there! Not he. It was Another, a young lad, about sixteen, Whom Parmeno brought with him.

PHAED. (to DORUS). Speak to me! First tell me, whence had you that coat? What, dumb? I'll make you speak, you villain? (Beating him.)

DOR. Chaerea came—— (Crying.)

PHAED. My brother?

DOR. Yes, Sir!

PHAED. When?

DOR. To-day.

PHAED. How long since?

DOR. Just now.

PHAED. With whom?

DOR. With Parmeno.

PHAED. Did you Know him before?

DOR. No, Sir; nor e'er heard of him.

PHAED. How did you know then that he was my brother?

DOR. Parmeno told me so; and Chaerea Gave me these clothes——

PHAED. Confusion! (Aside.)

DOR. Put on mine; And then they both went out o' doors together.

PYTH. Now, Sir, do you believe that I am sober? Now do you think, I've told no lie? And now Are you convinc'd the girl has been abus'd!

PHAED. Away, fool! d'ye believe what this wretch says?

PYTH. What signifies belief?—It speaks itself.

PHAED. (apart to DORUS). Come this way—hark ye! ——further still. ——Enough. Tell me once more. ——Did Chaerea strip you?

DOR. Yes.

PHAED. And put your clothes on?

DOR. Yes, Sir!

PHAED. And was brought In your stead hither?

DOR. Yes.

PHAED. Great Jupiter! (Pretending to be in a passion with him.) What a most wicked scoundrel's this?

PYTH. Alas! Don't you believe, then, we've been vilely us'd?

PHAED. No wonder if you credit what he says. I don't know what to do. (Aside.)—Here, harkye, Sirrah! Deny it all again. (Apart to DORUS.)—What! can't I beat The truth out of you, rascal?—have you seen My brother Chaerea? (Aloud, and beating him.)

DOR. No, Sir! (Crying.)

PHAED. So! I see He won't confess without a beating.—This way! (Apart.) Now He owns it; now denies it.—Ask my pardon! (Apart.)

DOR. Beseech you, Sir, forgive me!

PHAED. Get you gone. (Kicking him.) Oh me! oh dear! (Exit, howling.

PHAED. (aside). I had no other way To come off handsomely.—We're all undone. —D'ye think to play your tricks on me, you rascal? (Aloud, and Exit after DORUS.

[Changes:

Harper PHAED. How did you know then that he was my brother? Colman 1768 PHAED. How did you know he was my brother then?]

SCENE V.

Manent PYTHIAS and DORIAS.

PYTH. As sure as I'm alive, this is a trick Of Parmeno's.

DORI. No doubt on't.

PYTH. I'll devise Some means to-day to fit him for't.—But now What would you have me do?

DORI. About the girl!

PYTH. Aye; shall I tell; or keep the matter secret?

DORI. Troth, if you're wise you know not what you know, Nor of the Eunuch, nor the ravishment: So shall you clear yourself of all this trouble, And do a kindness to our mistress too. Say nothing, but that Dorus is gone off.

PYTH. I'll do so.

DORI. Prithee is not Chremes yonder? Thais will soon be here.

PYTH. How so?

DORI. Because When I came thence, a quarrel was abroach Among them.

PYTH. Carry in the jewels, Dorias. Meanwhile I'll learn of Chremes what has happen'd. (Exit DORIAS.

SCENE VI.

Enter CHREMES tipsy.

CHREM. So! so!—I'm in for't—and the wine I've drank Has made me reel again.—Yet while I sat, How sober I suppos'd myself!—But I No sooner rose, than neither foot, nor head, Knew their own business!

PYTH. Chremes!

CHREM. Who's that?—Ha! Pythias!—How much more handsome you seem now, Than you appear'd a little while ago!

PYTH. I'm sure you seem a good deal merrier.

CHREM. I'faith it's an old saying, and a true one, "Ceres and Bacchus are warm friends of Venus." —But, pray, has Thais been here long before me?

PYTH. Has she yet left the Captain's?

CHREM. Long time since: An age ago. They've had a bloody quarrel.

PYTH. Did not she bid you follow her?

CHREM. Not she: Only she made a sign to me at parting.

PYTH. Well, wasn't that enough?

CHREM. No, faith! I did not At all conceive her meaning, till the Captain Gave me the hint, and kick'd me out o' doors! —But here she is! I wonder how it was, I overtook her!

[Changes:

Harper CHREM. No, faith! I did not At all conceive her meaning, till the Captain Colman 1768 CHREM. No, faith! I never At all conceiv'd her meaning, till the Captain]

SCENE VII.

Enter THAIS.

THAIS. I am apt to think, The Captain will soon follow me, to take The virgin from me: Well then, let him come! But if he does but lay a finger on her, We'll tear his eyes out.—His impertinence. And big words, while mere words, I can endure; But if he comes to action, woe be to him!

CHREM. Thais, I have been here some time.

THAIS. My Chremes! The very man I wanted!—Do you know That you have been th' occasion of this quarrel? And that this whole affair relates to you?

CHREM. To me! how so?

THAIS. Because, while I endeavor, And study to restore your sister to you, This and much more I've suffer'd.

CHREM. Where's my sister?

THAIS. Within, at my house.

CHREM. Ha! (With concern.)

THAIS. Be not alarm'd: She has been well brought up, and in a manner Worthy herself and you.

CHREM. Indeed?

THAIS. 'Tis true: And now most freely I restore her to you, Demanding nothing of you in return.

CHREM. I feel your goodness, Thais, and shall ever Remain much bounden to you.

THAIS. Aye, but now Take heed, my Chremes, lest ere you receive The maid from me, you lose her! for 'tis she, Whom now the Captain comes to take by storm. —Pythias, go, fetch the casket with the proofs!

CHREM. D'ye see him, Thais? (Looking out.)

PYTH. Where's the casket plac'd?

THAIS. Plac'd in the cabinet.—D'ye loiter, hussy? (Exit PYTHIAS.

CHREM. What force the Captain brings with him against you! Good Heav'n!

THAIS. Are you afraid, young gentleman?

CHREM. Away!—who? I? afraid?—There is no man Alive less so.

THAIS. You'd need be stout at present.

CHREM. What kind of man d'ye take me for?

THAIS. Consider, He, whom you've now to cope with, is a stranger Less powerful than you, less known, and less Befriended here than you!

CHREM. I know all that: But why, like fools, admit what we may shun? Better prevent a wrong, than afterward Revenge it, when receiv'd——Do you step in, And bolt the door, while I run to the Forum, And call some officers to our assistance. (Going.)

THAIS. Stay! (Holding him.)

CHREM. 'Twill be better.

THAIS. Hold!

CHREM. Nay, let me go! I'll soon be back.

THAIS. We do not want them, Chremes. Say, only, that this maiden is your sister, And that you lost her when a child, and now Know her again for yours.

Enter PYTHIAS.

THAIS (to PYTH.) Produce the proofs!

PYTH. Here they are.

THAIS. Take them, Chremes!—If the Captain Attempts to do you any violence, Lead him before a magistrate. D'ye mark me?

CHREM. I do.

THAIS. Be sure now speak with a good courage!

CHREM. I will.

THAIS. Come, gather up your cloak.——Undone! I've got a champion, who wants help himself.

(Exeunt.

[Changes:

THAIS. 'Tis true: opening apostrophe missing in Harper edition

Harper PYTH. Where's the casket plac'd? THAIS. Plac'd in the cabinet.—D'ye loiter, hussy? Colman 1768 PYTH. Where does the casket stand? THAIS. Upon the cabinet.—D'ye loiter, hussy?

Harper CHREM. Away!—who? I? afraid?—There is no man Alive less so. THAIS. You'd need be stout at present. Colman 1768 CHREM. Away!—who? I? afraid?—No mortal less. THAIS. Nay, you had need be stout at present, Chremes.]

Harper I've got a champion, who wants help himself. Colman 1768 My champion wants a champion for himself.]

SCENE VIII.

Enter THRASO, GNATHO, SANGA, etc.

THRASO. Shall I put up with an affront so gross, So monstrous, Gnatho?—No, I'd rather die. Simalio, Donax, Syrus, follow me! First, I will storm their castle.

GNAT. Excellent!

THRA. Next carry off the Virgin.

GNAT. Admirable!

THRA. Then punish Thais herself.

GNAT. Incomparable!

THRA. Here, in the centre, Donax, with your club! Do you, Simalio, charge on the left wing! You, Syrus, on the right!—Bring up the rest! Where's the Centurion Sanga, and his band Of rascal runaways?

SAN. Here, Sir!

THRA. How now? Think'st thou to combat with a dish-clout, slave! That thus thou bring'st it here?

SAN. Ah, Sir! I knew The valor of the gen'ral and his troops; And seeing this affair must end in blood, I brought a clout, to wipe the wounds withal.

THRA. Where are the rest?

SAN. Rest! Plague, whom d'ye mean? There's nobody, but Sannio, left at home.

THRA. Lead you the van (to GNATHO); and I'll bring up the rear: Thence give the word to all.

GNAT. What wisdom is! Now he has drawn up these in rank and file, His post behind secures him a retreat.

THRA. Just so his line of battle Pyrrhus form'd.

(CHREMES and THAIS appear above at a window.)

CHREM. D'ye see, my Thais, what he is about? To bar and bolt the doors was good advice.

THAIS. Tut, man! you fool, that seems so mighty brave, Is a mere coward. Do not be afraid!

THRA. What were best? (To GNATHO.)

GNAT. Troth, I wish you had a sling: That you from far in ambush might attack them! They'd soon fly then, I warrant you.

THRA. But see! Thais appears.

GNAT. Let's charge them then! Come on!

THRA. Halt!—'Tis the part of a wise general To try all methods, ere he come to arms. How do you know, but Thais may obey My orders without force?

GNAT. Oh, gracious Heavens! Of what advantage is it to be wise! I ne'er approach but I go wiser from you.

THRA. Thais, first answer this! Did you, or no, When I presented you the Virgin, promise, To give yourself some days to me alone?

THAIS. What then?

THRA. Is that a question, when you durst To bring a rival to my face?

THAIS. And what Business have you with him?

THRA. ——And then stole off In company with him?

THAIS. It was my pleasure.

THRA. Therefore, restore my Pamphila; unless You choose to see her carried off by force.

CHREM. She restore Pamphila to you? Or you Attempt to touch her, rascal?

GNAT. Ah, beware! Peace, peace, young gentleman!

THRA. (to CHREM.) What is't you mean? Shall I not touch my own?

CHREM. Your own, you scoundrel?

GNAT. Take heed! you know not whom you rail at thus.

CHREM. Won't you be gone?—here, hark ye, Sir! d'ye know How matters stand with you?—if you attempt To raise a riot in this place to-day, I'll answer for it, that you shall remember This place, to-day, and me, your whole life-long.

GNAT. I pity you: to make so great a man Your enemy!

CHREM. Hence! or I'll break your head.

GNAT. How's that, you hang-dog? Are you for that sport?

THRA. Who are you, fellow?—what d'ye mean?—and what Have you to do with Pamphila?

CHREM. I'll tell you, First, I declare, that she's a free-born woman!

THRA. How?

CHREM. And a citizen of Athens.

THRA. Hui!

CHREM. My sister.

THRA. Impudence!

CHREM. So, Captain, now I give you warning, offer her no force! —Thais, I'll now to Sophrona, the Nurse, And bring her here with me to see the proofs.

THRA. And you prohibit me to touch my own?

CHREM. Yes, I prohibit you.

GNAT. D'ye hear? he owns The robbery himself. Isn't that sufficient?

THRA. And, Thais, you maintain the same?

THAIS. Ask those Who care to answer. (Shuts down the window.)

Manent THRASO and GNATHO, etc.

THRA. What shall we do now?

GNAT. Why—e'en go back again!—This harlot here Will soon be with you to request forgiveness.

THRA. D'ye think so?

GNAT. Aye, most certainly. I know The ways of women.—When you will, they won't; And when you won't, they're dying for you.

THRA. True.

GNAT. Shall I disband the army?

THRA. When you will.

GNAT. Sanga, as well becomes a brave militia, Take to your houses and firesides again.

SAN. My mind was like a sop i' th' pan, long since.

GNAT. Good fellow!

SAN. To the right about there! march! (Exit, with GNATHO and THRASO at the head of the troops.

[Changes:

Harper THRA. Is that a question, when you durst To bring a rival to my face? THAIS. And what Business have you with him? THRA. ——And then stole off In company with him? THAIS. It was my pleasure. THRA. Therefore, restore my Pamphila ... Colman 1768 THRA. Is that a question, when you brought Your lover to affront me to my face?— THAIS. What business have you with him? THRA. ——And stole off In company with him? THAIS. It was my pleasure. THRA. Therefore, restore me Pamphila ...]



ACT THE FIFTH.

SCENE I.

THAIS and PYTHIAS.

THAIS. Still, still, you, baggage, will you shuffle with me? —"I know—I don't know—he's gone off—I've heard—— I was not present"—Be it what it may, Can't you inform me openly?—The Virgin, Her clothes all torn, in sullen silence weeps. The Eunuch's fled.—What means all this? and what Has happen'd?—Won't you answer me?

PYTH. Alas! What can I answer you?—He was, they say, No Eunuch.

THAIS. What then?

PYTH. Chaerea.

THAIS. Chaerea! What Chaerea?

PYTH. Phaedria's younger brother.

THAIS. How! What's that, hag?

PYTH. I've discover'd it: I'm sure on't.

THAIS. Why, what had he to do with us? or why Was he brought hither?

PYTH. That I can not tell; Unless, as I suppose, for love of Pamphila.

THAIS. Alas! I am undone; undone, indeed, If that, which you have told me now, be true. Is't that the girl bemoans thus?

PYTH. I believe so.

THAIS. How, careless wretch! was that the charge I gave you At my departure?

PYTH. What could I do? She Was trusted, as you bade, to him alone.

THAIS. Oh, jade, you set the wolf to keep the sheep —I'm quite asham'd to 've been so poorly bubbled.

PYTH. Who comes here?—Hist! peace, madam, I beseech you! We're safe: we have the very man. (Seeing CHAEREA at a distance.)

THAIS. Where is he?

PYTH. Here, on the left; d'ye see him, ma'am?

THAIS. I see him.

PYTH. Let him be seiz'd immediately!

THAIS. And what Can we do to him, fool?

PYTH. Do to him, say you? —See, what a saucy face the rogue has got! Ha'nt he?—and then how settled an assurance?

SCENE II.

Enter CHAEREA.

CHAER. At Antipho's, as if for spite, there were His father and his mother both at home, So that I could by no means enter, but They must have seen me. Meanwhile, as I stood Before the door, came by an old acquaintance, At sight of whom I flew, with all my speed, Into a narrow, unfrequented alley; And thence into another, and another, Frighten'd and flurried as I scampered on, Lest any one should know me.—But is that Thais? 'Tis she herself. I'm all aground. What shall I do?—Pshaw! what have I to care? What can she do to me?

THAIS. Let's up to him. Oh, Dorus! good Sir, welcome!—And so, Sirrah, You ran away.

CHAER. Yes, madam!

THAIS. And you think It was a clever trick?

CHAER. No, madam!

THAIS. Can you Believe that you shall go unpunish'd for it?

CHAER. Forgive me this one fault! If I commit Another, kill me!

THAIS. Do you dread my cruelty?

CHAER. No, ma'am!

THAIS. What then?

CHAER. I was afraid, lest She Accuse me to you. (Pointing to PYTHIAS.)

THAIS. Upon what account?

CHAER. A little matter.

PYTH. Rogue! a little matter? Is it so little, think you, to abuse A virgin, and a citizen!

CHAER. I thought She was my fellow-servant.

PYTH. Fellow-servant! I can scarce hold from flying at his hair. Monstrous! he's come to make his sport of us.

THAIS. Away! you rave.

PYTH. Why so? if I had done 't, I should have still been in the monster's debt; Particularly, as he owns himself Your servant.

THAIS. Well—no more of this.—Oh, Chaerea, You've done a deed unworthy of yourself: For granting I, perhaps, might well deserve This injury, it was not honorable In you to do it.—As I live, I know not What counsel to pursue about this girl; You've so destroy'd my measures, that I can't Restore her, without blushing to her friends, Nor so deliver her, as I propos'd, To make them thank me for my kindness, Chaerea!

CHAER. Henceforth, I hope, eternal peace shall be Betwixt us, Thais! Oft from things like these, And bad beginnings, warmest friendships rise. What if some God hath order'd this?

THAIS. Indeed, I'll so interpret it, and wish it so.

CHAER. I prithee do!—and be assured of this, That naught I did in scorn, but all in love.

THAIS. I do believe it; and, on that account, More readily forgive you: for oh! Chaerea, I am not form'd of an ungentle nature, Nor am I now to learn the pow'r of love.

CHAER. Now, Thais, by my life, I love thee too.

PYTH. Then, by my troth, you must take care of him.

CHAER. I durst not——

PYTH. I don't mind a word you say.

THAIS. Have done!

CHAER. But now, in this one circumstance, Let me beseech you to assist me! I Commit myself entirely to your care: Invoke you, as my patroness; implore you. Perdition seize me, but I'll marry her!

THAIS. But if your father——

CHAER. What of him? I know He'll soon consent, provided it appears That she's a citizen.

THAIS. If you will wait A little while, her brother will be here: He's gone to fetch the nurse that brought her up; And you shall witness the discovery.

CHAER. I will remain then.

THAIS. But, in the mean time, Had you not rather wait within, than here Before the door?

CHAER. Much rather.

PYTH. What the plague Are you about?

THAIS. What now?

PYTH. What now, indeed? Will you let him within your doors again?

THAIS. Why not?

PYTH. Remember that I prophesy, He'll make some fresh disturbance.

THAIS. Prithee, peace!

PYTH. It seems, you have not had sufficient proof Of his assurance.

CHAER. I'll do no harm, Pythias!

PYTH. I'll not believe it, Chaerea, till I see it.

CHAER. But you shall keep me, Pythias!

PYTH. No, not I. For, by my troth, I would trust nothing with you, Neither to keep, nor be kept by you.—Hence! Away!

THAIS. Oh brave! the brother's here! (Looking out.)

CHAER. Confusion! Let's in, dear Thais! I'd not have him see me Here in this dress.

THAIS. Why so? Are you asham'd?

CHAER. I am indeed.

PYTH. Indeed! asham'd! oh dear! Think of the girl!

THAIS. Go in! I'll follow you. Pythias, do you stay here to bring in Chremes. (Exeunt THAIS and CHAEREA.

[Changes:

Harper Lest any one should know me.—But is that Thais? 'Tis she herself. I'm all aground. Colman 1768 Lest any one should know me in this habit. But is that Thais? She. I'm all aground.

Harper It was a clever trick? CHAER. No, madam! THAIS. Can you Believe that you shall go unpunish'd for it? Colman 1768 It was a clever trick, I warrant you? CHAER. No, madam! THAIS. Can you believe that you shall go unpunish'd?

Harper THAIS. Upon what account? Colman 1768 THAIS. Of what crime?

Harper PYTH. Why so? if I had done 't Colman 1768 PYTH. Not I. if I had done 't

Harper Let me beseech you to assist me! I Commit myself entirely to your care: Colman 1768 Let me beseech you to assist me, Thais! I trust myself entirely to your care:

Harper PYTH. I'll not believe it, Chaerea, till I see it. Colman 1768 PYTH. I'll not believe it, till I see it, Chaerea.]

SCENE III.

PYTHIAS, CHREMES, SOPHRONA.

PYTH. What can I think of? what can I devise? Some trick now to be even with that rogue Who palm'd this young spark on us.

CHREM. (leading the nurse). Nay, but stir Your stumps a little faster, nurse!

SOPH. I come.

CHREM. Aye, marry; but you don't come on a jot.

PYTH. Well! have you shown the tokens to the nurse?

CHREM. I have.

PYTH. And pray what says she? Did she know them?

CHREM. At first sight.

PYTH. Oh brave news! I'm glad to hear it; For I've a kindness for the girl. Go in; My mistress is impatient for your coming. (Exeunt CHREMES and SOPHRONA. See, yonder's my good master Parmeno, Marching this way: How unconcern'd, forsooth, He stalks along!—But I've devis'd, I hope, The means to vex him sorely.—First I'll in, To know the truth of this discovery, And then return to terrify this rascal. (Exit.

SCENE IV.

Enter PARMENO.

PAR. I'm come to see what Chaerea has been doing: Who, if he has but manag'd matters well, Good Heav'ns, how much, and what sincere applause Shall Parmeno acquire!—For not to mention, In an intrigue so difficult as this, Of so much probable expense at least, Since with a griping harlot he'd have bargain'd, That I've procur'd for him the girl he lov'd, Without cost, charge, or trouble; t'other point, That, that I hold my master-piece, there think I've gain'd the prize, in showing a young spark The dispositions and the ways of harlots: Which having early learn'd, he'll ever shun. (Enter PYTHIAS behind.) When they're abroad, forsooth, there's none so clean, Nothing so trim, so elegant, as they; Nor, when they sup with a gallant, so nice! To see these very creatures' gluttony, Filth, poverty, and meanness, when at home; So eager after food, that they devour From yesterday's stale broth the coarse black bread:— All this to know is safety to young men.

SCENE V.

PYTHIAS, PARMENO.

PYTH. (behind). 'Faith, Sirrah, I'll be handsomely revenged For all you've done and said. You shall not boast Your tricks on us without due punishment. (Aloud, coming forward.) Oh Heav'ns! oh dreadful deed! oh hapless youth! Oh wicked Parmeno, that brought him here!

PAR. What now?

PYTH. It mov'd me so. I could not bear To see it: therefore I flew out o' doors. What an example will they make of him!

PAR. Oh Jupiter! What tumult can this be? Am I undone, or no?—I'll e'en inquire. Pythias! (going up.) What now? what is't you rave about? Who's to be made this terrible example?

PYTH. Who? most audacious monster! while you meant To play your tricks on us, you have destroyed The youth whom you brought hither for the Eunuch.

PAR. How so? and what has happen'd? Prithee tell me!

PYTH. Tell you? D'ye know the virgin, that was sent To-day to Thais, is a citizen? Her brother too a man of the first rank?

PAR. I did not know it.

PYTH. Aye, but so it seems. The poor young spark abus'd the girl; a thing No sooner known, than he, the furious brother——

PAR. Did what?

PYTH. First bound him hand and foot——

PAR. How! bound him!

PYTH. And now, though Thais begged him not to do it——

PAR. How! what!

PYTH. Moreover threatens, he will serve him After the manner of adulterers; A thing I ne'er saw done, and ne'er desire.

PAR. How durst he offer at an act so monstrous?

PYTH. And why so monstrous?

PAR. Is it not most monstrous? Who ever saw a young man seiz'd and bound For rapes and lewdness in a house of harlots?

PYTH. I don't know.

PAR. Aye; but you must all know this. I tell you, and foretell you, that young spark Is my old master's son.

PYTH. Indeed, is he?

PAR. And let not Thais suffer any one To do him violence!—But why don't I Rush in myself?

PYTH. Ah! take care, Parmeno, What you're about; lest you do him no good, And hurt yourself: for they imagine you, Whatever has been done, the cause of all.

PAR. What shall I do then, wretch? what undertake? —Oh! yonder's my old master, just return'd To town. Shall I tell him, or no?—I' faith I'll tell him, though I am well convinc'd it will Bring me into a scrape; a heavy one: And yet It must be done to help poor Chaerea.

PYTH. Right. I'll in again; and you, in the mean while, Tell the old gentleman the whole affair. (Exit.

[Changes:

Harper Who ever saw a young man seiz'd and bound For rapes and lewdness in a house of harlots? Colman 1768 Who ever saw a young man seiz'd by force, And punish'd for adultery in a brothel?

Harper To do him violence!—But why don't I Rush in myself? PYTH. Ah! take care, Parmeno Colman 1768 To do him any violence!—But why Don't I rush in myself? PYTH. Ah! have a care

Harper PAR. What shall I do then, wretch? what undertake? —Oh! yonder's my old master, just return'd To town. Shall I tell him, or no?—I' faith I'll tell him, though I am well convinc'd it will Bring me into a scrape; a heavy one: And yet Colman 1768 PAR. What shall I do then? what resolve? Confusion! —Oh! yonder's my old master, just return'd To town. Shall I tell him of it, or no? I'll tell him, tho' I am well convinc'd, the blame Will light on me, and heavily: And yet]

SCENE VI.

Enter LACHES.

LACHES. I've this convenience from my neighb'ring villa; I'm never tir'd of country or of town. For as disgust comes on, I change my place. —But is not that our Parmeno? 'Tis he For certain.—Whom d'ye wait for, Parmeno, Before that door?

PAR. Who's that? Oh, Sir! you're welcome: I'm glad to see you safe return'd to town.

LACHES. Whom do you wait for?

PAR. I'm undone: my tongue Cleaves to my mouth through fear.

LACHES. Ha! what's the matter? Why do you tremble so? Is all right? Speak!

PAR. First, Sir, I'd have you think, for so it is, Whatever has befall'n has not befall'n Through any fault of mine.

LACHES. What is't?

PAR. That's true. Your pardon, Sir, I should have told that first. —Phaedria, Sir, bought a certain Eunuch, as A present to send her.

LACHES. Her!—Her! whom?

PAR. Thais.

LACHES. Bought? I'm undone! at what price?

PAR. Twenty Minae.

LACHES. I'm ruin'd.

PAR. And then Chaerea's fall'n in love With a young music-girl.

LACHES. How! what! in love! Knows he already what a harlot is? Has he stol'n into town? More plagues on plagues.

PAR. Nay, Sir! don't look on me! it was not done By my advice.

LACHES. Leave prating of yourself. As for you, rascal, if I live—But first Whatever has befallen, tell me, quick!

PAR. Chaerea was carried thither for the Eunuch.

LACHES. He for the Eunuch!

PAR. Yes: since when, within They've seiz'd and bound him for a ravisher.

LACHES. Confusion!

PAR. See the impudence of harlots!

LACHES. Is there aught else of evil or misfortune You have not told me yet?

PAR. You know the whole.

LACHES. Then why do I delay to rush in on them? (Exit.

PAR. There is no doubt but I shall smart for this. But since I was oblig'd to 't, I rejoice That I shall make these strumpets suffer too: For our old gentleman has long desir'd Some cause to punish them; and now he has it.

[Changes:

Harper —But is not that our Parmeno? 'Tis he For certain.—Whom d'ye wait for, Parmeno Colman 1768 —But is not that our Parmeno? 'Tis he. Parmeno, who is it you're waiting for

Harper PAR. First, Sir, I'd have you think, for so it is Colman 1768 PAR. First be persuaded, Sir,—for that's the case

Harper —Phaedria, Sir, bought a certain Eunuch, as A present to send her. LACHES. Her!—Her! whom? PAR. Thais. Colman 1768 —Phaedria lately bought a certain Eunuch By way of present to this gentlewoman. LACHES. What gentlewoman, sirrah? PAR. Madam Thais.

Harper Has he stol'n into town? More plagues on plagues. Colman 1768 Is he in town? misfortune on misfortune!

LACHES. Confusion! 1768 edition has question mark]

SCENE VII.

Enter PYTHIAS; PARMENO at a distance.

PYTH. Well! I was ne'er more pleas'd in all my life Than when I saw th' old man come blund'ring in. I had the jest alone; for I alone Knew what he was afraid of.

PAR. Hey! what now?

PYTH. I'm now come forth t' encounter Parmeno. Where is he?

PAR. She seeks me.

PYTH. Oh, there he is. I'll go up to him.

PAR. Well, fool, what's the matter? (PYTHIAS laughs.) What would you? what d'ye laugh at? Hey! what still?

PYTH. Oh, I shall die: I'm horribly fatigu'd With laughing at you. (Laughing heartily.)

PAR. Why so? pray!

PYTH. Why so? (Laughing.) I ne'er saw, ne'er shall see, a greater fool. Oh, it's impossible to tell what sport You've made within.—I swear, I always thought That you had been a shrewd, sharp, cunning fellow. What! to believe directly what I told you! Or was you prick'd in conscience for the sin The young man had committed through your means, That you must after tell his father of him? How d'ye suppose he felt when old gray-beard Surpris'd him in that habit?—What! you find That you're undone. (Laughing heartily.)

PAR. What's this, impertinence? Was it a lie you told me? D'ye laugh still? Is't such a jest to make fools of us, hag?

PYTH. Delightful! (Laughing.)

PAR. If you don't pay dearly for it!——

PYTH. Perhaps so. (Laughing.)

PAR. I'll return it.

PYTH. Oh, no doubt on't. (Laughing.) But what you threaten, Parmeno, is distant: You'll be truss'd up to-day; who first draw in A raw young man to sin, and then betray him. They'll both conspire to make you an example. (Laughing.)

PAR. I'm done for.

PYTH. Take this, slave, as a reward For the fine gift you sent us; so, farewell! (Exit PYTHIAS.

PAR. I've been a fool indeed; and like a rat, Betray'd myself to-day by my own squeaking.

[Changes:

Harper PAR. Why so? pray! PYTH. Why so? Colman 1768 PAR. For what cause? PYTH. What cause?

Harper Or was you prick'd in conscience for the sin The young man had committed through your means, That you must after tell his father of him? Colman 1768 Or was not you contented with the crime You urg'd the youth to perpetrate, unless You afterwards betray'd him to his father?]

SCENE VIII.

Enter THRASO, GNATHO; PARMENO behind.

GNAT. What now? in what hope, or with what design Advance we hither? what adventure, Thraso?

THRASO. What do I mean?—To Thais to surrender On her own terms?

GNAT. Indeed?

THRASO. Indeed! why not, As well as Hercules to Omphale?

GNAT. A fit example.—Would I might behold Your head broke with her slipper. (Aside.) But her doors Creak, and fly open.

THRASO. 'Sdeath! what mischief now? I ne'er so much as saw this face before. Why bursts he forth with such alacrity?

[Changes:

1768 version of entire scene: GNAT. What now? with what hope, or design, advance we? What's your intention, Thraso? THRASO. My intention? To Thais to surrender at discretion. GNAT. How say you? THRASO. Even so. Why should not I, As well as Hercules to Omphale? GNAT. A fit example.—Oh, that I could see her Combing your empty noddle with her slipper! But her door opens. THRASO. 'Sdeath! what mischief now? I ne'er so much as saw this face before. Why bursts he forth with such alacrity?]

SCENE IX.

Enter CHAEREA at another part of the stage.

CHAER. Lives there, my countrymen, a happier man To-day than I?—Not one.—For on my head The gods have plainly emptied all their store, On whom they've pour'd a flood of bliss at once.

PAR. What's he so pleas'd at?

CHAER. (seeing him.) Oh my Parmeno Inventor, undertaker, perfecter Of all my pleasures, know'st thou my good fortunes? Know'st thou my Pamphila's a citizen?

PAR. I've heard so.

CHAER. Know'st thou she's betroth'd my wife?

PAR. Oh brave, by Heav'n!

GNAT. Hear you what he says? (To THRASO.)

CHAER. Then I rejoice, my brother Phaedria's love Is quietly secur'd to him forever: We're now one family: and Thais has Found favor with my father, and resign'd Herself to us for patronage and care.

PAR. She's then entirely Phaedria's!

CHAER. Aye, entirely.

PAR. Another cause of joy: the Captain routed!

CHAER. See, Parmeno, my brother (wheresoe'er He be) know this, as soon as possible!

PAR. I'll see if he's at home. (Exit.

THRASO. Hast any doubt, Gnatho, but I'm entirely ruin'd?

GNAT. None at all.

CHAER. What shall I mention first? whom praise the most! Him that advis'd this action? or myself That durst to undertake it?—or extol Fortune, the governess of all, who deign'd, Events so many, of such moment too, So happily to close within one day? Or shall I praise my father's frank good-humor, And gay festivity?——Oh, Jupiter, Make but these blessings sure!

[Changes:

Harper PAR. Oh brave, by Heav'n! Colman 1768 PAR. Good news, by heaven!

Harper Make but these blessings sure! Colman 1768 Make but these blessings permanent!]

SCENE X.

Enter PHAEDRIA.

PHAED. O heavenly powers! What wondrous things has Parmeno just told me! But where's my brother?

CHAER. Here he is.

PHAED. I'm happy.

CHAER. I dare believe you are; and trust me, brother, Naught can be worthier of your love than Thais: Our family are all much bounden to her.

PHAED. So! you'd need sing her praise to me!

THRASO. Confusion! As my hope dies, my love increases. Gnatho Your help! my expectation's all in you.

GNAT. What would you have me do?

THRASO. Accomplish this; By pray'r, by purchase, that I still may have Some little share in Thais.

GNAT. A hard task!

THRASO. Do but incline to do't, you can, I know. Effect it, and demand whatever gift, Whate'er reward you please, it shall be yours.

GNAT. Indeed?

THRASO. Indeed!

GNAT. If I accomplish this, I claim, that you agree to throw your doors, Present or absent, always open to me; A welcome, uninvited guest forever.

THRASO. I pawn my honor as the pledge.

GNAT. I'll try.

PHAED. What voice is that? Oh, Thraso!

THRASO. Gentlemen, Good-day!

PHAED. Perhaps you're not acquainted yet With what has happen'd here?

THRASO. I am.

PHAED. Why then Do I behold you in these territories?

THRASO. Depending on——

PHAED. Depend on naught but this! Captain, I give you warning, if, henceforth, I ever find you in this street, although You tell me, "I was looking for another, I was but passing through," expect no quarter.

GNAT. Oh fie! that is not handsome.

PHAED. I have said it.

GNAT. You can not be so rude.

PHAED. It shall be so.

GNAT. First grant me a short hearing: if you like What I propose, agree to't.

PHAED. Let us hear!

GNAT. Do you retire a moment, Thraso! (THRASO retires.) First, I must beseech you both, most firmly think, That I, whate'er I do in this affair, For my own sake I do it: but if that Likewise advantage you, not to agree In you were folly.

PHAED. What is't you propose?

GNAT. I think you should admit the Captain, as Your rival.

PHAED. How? admit him?

GNAT. Nay consider! Phaedria, you live at a high rate with her, Revel, and feast, and stick at no expense. Yet what you give's but little, and you know 'Tis needful Thais should receive much more Now to supply your love without your cost, A fitter person, one more form'd, can't be Than Thraso is: first, he has wherewithal To give, and gives most largely: a fool too, A dolt, a block, that snores out night and day; Nor can you fear she'll e'er grow fond of him; And you may drive him hence whene'er you please.

PHAED. What shall we do? (To CHAEREA.)

GNAT. Moreover this; the which I hold no trifle, no man entertains More nobly or more freely.

PHAED. I begin To think we've need of such a fool.

CHAER. And I.

GNAT. Well judg'd! and let me beg one favor more; Admit me of your family!—I have Roll'd this stone long enough.

PHAED. We do admit you.

CHAER. With all our hearts.

GNAT. And you, Sirs, in return, Shall pledge me in the Captain; eat him; drink him: And laugh at him.

CHAER. A bargain!

PHAED. 'Tis his due.

GNAT. Thraso, whene'er you please, approach!

THRASO. Pray now, How stands the case?

GNAT. Alas! they knew you not! But when I drew your character, and prais'd Your worth, according to your deeds and virtues, I gain'd my point.

THRASO. 'Tis well: I'm much oblig'd; I ne'er was any where, in all my life, But all folks lov'd me dearly.

GNAT. Did not I Say he had all the Attic elegance?

PHAED. He is the very character you drew.

GNAT. Retire then. —Ye, (to the audience,) farewell, and clap your hands!

[Changes:

Harper PHAED. O heavenly powers! What wondrous things has Parmeno just told me! But where's my brother? CHAER. Here he is. PHAED. I'm happy. Colman 1768 PHAED. Good heavens! What wondrous things has Parmeno just told me! But where's my brother? CHAER. Here. PHAED. I'm quite transported.

Harper As my hope dies, my love increases. Gnatho Your help! my expectation's all in you. Colman 1768 As my hope dies, my passion gathers strength. Gnatho, your help! my only hope's in you.

Harper PHAED. What is't you propose? GNAT. I think you should admit the Captain, as Your rival. PHAED. How? admit him? GNAT. Nay consider! Phaedria, you live at a high rate with her Colman 1768 PHAED. What are your proposals? GNAT. I think, 'twere not imprudent to admit The Captain, as your rival. PHAED. How! Admit him, say you? GNAT. Nay reflect a little. Phaedria, you live at a high rate with Thais

Harper Admit me of your family!—I have Roll'd this stone long enough. Colman 1768 Admit me into your fraternity! I've roll'd this stone too long.

Harper GNAT. Thraso, whene'er you please, approach! THRASO. Pray now, Colman 1768 GNAT. Thraso, whene'er you please, come forward! THRASO. Well!

Harper But all folks lov'd me dearly. GNAT. Did not I Say he had all the Attic elegance? Colman 1768 But all folks lov'd me most exceedingly. GNAT. There, did I not assure you, gentlemen, That he had all the Attick Elegance?]

* * * * * * * * *

THE SELF-TORMENTOR.

PERSONS REPRESENTED.

PROLOGUE. MENEDEMUS. CHREMES. CLINIA. CLITIPHO. SYRUS. DROMO.

SOSTRATA. ANTIPHILA. BACCHIS. NURSE. PHRYGIA, and other servants of BACCHIS.

SCENE, a Village near ATHENS.



PROLOGUE.

Lest any of you wonder, why the Bard To an old actor hath assign'd the part Sustain'd of old by young performers; that I'll first explain: then say what brings To-day, a whole play, wholly from the Greek, We mean to represent:—The Self-Tormentor: Wrought from a single to a double plot. Now therefore that our comedy is new, And what it is, I've shown: who wrote it too, And whose in Greek it is, were I not sure Most of you knew already, would I tell. But, wherefore I have ta'en this part upon me, In brief I will deliver: for the Bard Has sent me here as pleader, not as Prologue; You he declares his judges, me his counsel: And yet as counsel nothing can I speak More than the Author teaches me to say, Who wrote th' oration which I now recite. As to reports, which envious men have spread, That he has ransack'd many Grecian plays, While he composes some few Latin ones, That he denies not, he has done; nor does Repent he did it; means to do it still; Safe in the warrant and authority Of greater bards, who did long since the same. Then for the charge, that his arch-enemy Maliciously reproaches him withal, That he but lately hath applied himself To music, with the genius of his friends, Rather than natural talents, fraught; how true, Your judgment, your opinion, must decide. I would entreat you, therefore, not to lean To tales of slander, rather than of candor. Be favorable; nurse with growing hopes The bards, who give you pleasing novelties; Pleasing I say, not such as His I mean, Who lately introduc'd a breathless slave, Making the crowd give way—But wherefore trace A dunce's faults? which shall be shown at large, When more he writes, unless he cease to rail. Attend impartially! and let me once Without annoyance act an easy part; Lest your old servant be o'er-labor'd still With toilsome characters, the running slave, The eating parasite, enrag'd old man, The bold-fac'd sharper, covetous procurer; Parts, that ask pow'rs of voice, and iron sides. Deign then, for my sake, to accept this plea, And grant me some remission from my labor. For they, who now produce new comedies, Spare not my age! If there is aught laborious, They run to me; but if of little weight, Away to others. In our piece to-day The style is pure: now try my talents then In either character. If I for gain, Never o'er-rated my abilities; If I have held it still my chief reward To be subservient to your pleasure; fix In me a fair example, that our youth May seek to please you, rather than themselves.



ACT THE FIRST.

SCENE I.

CHREMES, MENEDEMUS.

CHREM. Though our acquaintance is as yet but young, Since you have bought this farm that neighbors mine, And little other commerce is betwixt us; Yet or your virtue, or good neighborhood, (Which is in my opinion kin to friendship,) Urge me to tell you, fairly, openly, That you appear to me to labor more Than your age warrants, or affairs require. Now, in the name of heav'n and earth, what is't You want? what seek you? Threescore years of age, Or older, as I guess; with an estate, Better than which, more profitable, none In these parts hold; master of many slaves; As if you had not one at your command, You labor in their offices yourself. I ne'er go out so soon at morn, return So late at eve, but in your grounds I see you Dig, plow, or fetch and carry: in a word, You ne'er remit your toil, nor spare yourself. This, I am certain, is not done for pleasure. —You'll say, perhaps, it vexes you to see Your work go on so slowly;—do but give The time you spend in laboring yourself To set your slaves to work, 'twill profit more.

MENE. Have you such leisure from your own affairs To think of those, that don't concern you, Chremes?

CHREM. I am a man, and feel for all mankind. Think, I advise, or ask for information: If right, that I may do the same; if wrong, To turn you from it.

MENE. I have need to do thus. Do you as you think fit.

CHREM. Need any man Torment himself?

MENE. I need.

CHREM. If there's a cause, I'd not oppose it. But what evil's this? What is th' offense so grievous to your nature, That asks such cruel vengeance on yourself?

MENE. Alas! alas! (In tears.)

CHREM. Nay, weep not; but inform me. Be not reserv'd; fear nothing: prithee, trust me: By consolation, counsel, or assistance, I possibly may serve you.

MENE. Would you know it?

CHREM. Aye, for the very reason I have mention'd.

MENE. I will inform you.

CHREM. But meanwhile lay down Those rakes: don't tire yourself.

MENE. It must not be.

CHREM. What mean you?

MENE. Give me leave: that I may take No respite from my toil.

CHREM. I'll not allow it. (Taking away the rakes.)

MENE. Ah, you do wrong.

CHREM. What, and so heavy too! (Weighing them in his hand.)

MENE. Such my desert.

CHREM. Now speak. (Laying down the rakes.)

MENE. One only son I have.—Have, did I say?—Had I mean, Chremes. Have I or no, is now uncertain.

CHREM. Wherefore?

MENE. That you shall know. An old Corinthian woman Now sojourns here, a stranger in these parts, And very poor. It happen'd, of her daughter My son became distractedly enamor'd;—— E'en to the brink of marriage; and all this Unknown to me: which I no sooner learn'd Than I began to deal severely with him, Not as a young and love-sick mind requir'd, But in the rough and usual way of fathers. Daily I chid him; crying, "How now, Sir! Think you that you shall hold these courses long, And I your father living?—Keep a mistress, As if she were your wife!—You are deceiv'd, If you think that, and do not know me, Clinia. While you act worthily, you're mine; if not, I shall act toward you worthy of myself. All this arises from mere idleness. I, at your age, ne'er thought of love; but went To seek my fortune in the wars in Asia, And there acquir'd in arms both wealth and glory." —In short, things came to such a pass, the youth, O'ercome with hearing still the self-same thing, And wearied out with my reproaches; thinking, Age and experience had enabled me To judge his interest better than himself, Went off to serve the king in Asia, Chremes.

CHREM. How say you?

MENE. Stole away three months ago, Without my knowledge.

CHREM. Both have been to blame: And yet this enterprise bespeaks a mind, Modest and manly.

MENE. Having heard of this From some of his familiars, home I came Mournful, half-mad, and almost wild with grief. I sit me down; my servants run to me; Some draw my sandals off; while others haste To spread the couches, and prepare the supper: Each in his way, I mark, does all he can To mitigate my sorrow. Noting this, "How," said I to myself, "so many then Anxious for me alone? to pleasure me? So many slaves to dress me? All this cost For me alone?—Meanwhile, my only son, For whom all these were fit, as well as me, Nay rather more, since he is of an age More proper for their use; him, him, poor boy, Has my unkindness driven forth to sorrow. Oh I were worthy of the heaviest curse, Could I brook that!—No; long as he shall lead A life of penury abroad, an exile Through my unjust severity, so long Will I revenge his wrongs upon myself, Laboring, scraping, sparing, slaving for him." —In short, I did so; in the house I left Nor clothes, nor movables: I scrap'd up all. My slaves, both male and female, except those Who more than earn'd their bread in country-work, I sold: Then set my house to sale: In all I got together about fifteen talents; Purchas'd this farm; and here fatigue myself; Thinking I do my son less injury, While I'm in misery too; nor is it just For me, I think, to taste of pleasure here, Till he return in safety to partake on't.

CHREM. You I believe a tender parent, him A duteous son, if govern'd prudently. But you was unacquainted with his nature, And he with yours: sad life, where things are so! You ne'er betray'd your tenderness to him; Nor durst he place that confidence in you, Which well becomes the bosom of a father. Had that been done, this had not happen'd to you.

MENE. True, I confess; but I was most in fault.

CHREM. All, Menedemus, will, I hope, be well, And trust, your son will soon return in safety.

MENE. Grant it, good Gods!

CHREM. They will. Now, therefore, since The Dionysia are held here to-day, If 'tis convenient, come, and feast with me.

MENE. Impossible.

CHREM. Why so?—Nay, prithee now, Indulge yourself a while: your absent son, I'm sure, would have it so.

MENE. It is not meet, That I, who drove him forth to misery, Should fly it now myself.

CHREM. You are resolv'd?

MENE. Most constantly.

CHREM. Farewell then!

MENE. Fare you well! (Exit.

[Changes:

Harper Now, in the name of heav'n and earth, what is't You want? what seek you? Threescore years of age Colman 1768 For in the name of heav'n and earth, what would you? What do you drive at? Threescore years of age

Harper I ne'er go out so soon at morn, return So late at eve, but in your grounds I see you Dig, plow, or fetch and carry: in a word, Colman 1768 I ne'er go out so soon, return so late, Morning or evening, but I see you still At labour on your acres, digging, plowing, Or carrying some burden: in a word,

Harper CHREM. If there's a cause, I'd not oppose it. But what evil's this? Colman 1768 CHREM. If you're unhappy, I'm sorry for it. But what evil's this?

I possibly may serve you. "I" invisible in Harper edition

"How," said I to myself, "so many then] inner quotes supplied from 1768 edition

SCENE II.

CHREMES alone.

He draws tears from me.—How I pity him! —But 'tis high time, as the day goes, to warn My neighbor Phania to come forth to supper. I'll go, and see if he's at home. (Goes to PHANIA'S door, and returns.) There was, It seems, no need of warning: for, they tell me, He has been gone to my house some time since; I keep my guests in waiting; so I'll in. But my doors creak. (CLITIPHO appears.) Who's this? I'll step aside. (Retires.)

[Changes:

Harper He has been gone to my house some time since; I keep my guests in waiting; so I'll in. But my doors creak. Who's this? I'll step aside. Colman 1768 He went to his appointment some time since. 'Tis I myself that keep my guests in waiting. I'll in immediately.—But what's the meaning That my door opens?—Who's this?—I'll retire.]

SCENE III.

Enter CLITIPHO, speaking to CLINIA within.

As yet, my Clinia, you've no cause to fear: They are not long: and she, I'm confident, Will be here shortly with the messenger. Prithee, away then with these idle cares, Which thus torment you!

CHREM. (behind.) Whom does my son speak to?

CLIT. My father as I wish'd—Good Sir, well met.

CHREM. What now?

CLIT. D'ye know our neighbor Menedemus?

CHREM. Aye, very well.

CLIT. D'ye know he has a son?

CHREM. I've heard he is in Asia.

CLIT. No such thing. He's at our house, Sir.

CHREM. How!

CLIT. But just arriv'd: Ev'n at his landing I fell in with him, And brought him here to supper: for, from boys, We have been friends and intimates.

CHREM. Good news: Now do I wish the more that Menedemus, Whom I invited, were my guest to-day, That I, and under my own roof, had been The first to have surpris'd him with this joy! And I may yet. (Going.)

CLIT. Take heed! it were not good.

CHREM. How so?

CLIT. Because the youth is yet in doubt: Newly arriv'd; in fear of ev'ry thing; He dreads his father's anger, and suspects The disposition of his mistress tow'rds him; Her, whom he dotes upon; on whose account, This diff'rence and departure came about.

CHREM. I know it.

CLIT. He has just dispatch'd his boy Into the city to her, and our Syrus I sent along with him.

CHREM. What says the son?

CLIT. Says? that he's miserable.

CHREM. Miserable! Who needs be less so? for what earthly good Can man possess which he may not enjoy? Parents, a prosp'rous country, friends, birth, riches. Yet these all take their value from the mind Of the possessor: he that knows their use, To him they're blessings; he that knows it not, To him misuse converts them into curses.

CLIT. Nay, but he ever was a cross old man: And now there's nothing that I dread so much, As lest he be transported in his rage To some gross outrages against his son.

CHREM. He!—He!—But I'll contain myself. 'Tis good For Menedemus that his son should fear. (Aside.)

CLIT. What say you, Sir, within yourself! (Overhearing.)

CHREM. I say, Be't as it might, the son should have remain'd. Grant that the father bore too strict a hand Upon his loose desires; he should have borne it. Whom would he bear withal, if not a parent? Was't fitting that the father should conform To the son's humor, or the son to his? And for the rigor that he murmurs at, 'Tis nothing: the severities of fathers, Unless perchance a hard one here and there, Are much the same: they reprimand their sons For riotous excesses, wenching, drinking; And starve their pleasures by a scant allowance. Yet this all tends to good: but when the mind Is once enslav'd to vicious appetites, It needs must follow vicious measures too. Remember then this maxim, Clitipho, A wise one 'tis to draw from others' faults A profitable lesson for yourself.

CLIT. I do believe it.

CHREM. Well, I'll in, and see What is provided for our supper: you, As the day wears, see that you're not far hence. (Exit.

[Changes:

Harper That I, and under my own roof, had been Colman 1768 That I, and under my own roof, might be]

SCENE IV.

CLITIPHO alone.

What partial judges of all sons are fathers! Who ask gray wisdom from our greener years, And think our minds should bear no touch of youth; Governing by their passions, now kill'd in them, And not by those that formerly rebell'd. If ever I've a son, I promise him He shall find me an easy father; fit To know, and apt to pardon his offenses! Not such as mine, who, speaking of another, Shows how he'd act in such a case himself: Yet when he takes a cup or two too much, Oh, what mad pranks he tells me of his own: But warns me now "to draw from others' faults A profitable lesson for myself." Cunning old gentleman! he little knows, He pours his proverbs in a deaf man's ear. The words of Bacchis, Give me, Bring me, now Have greater weight with me: to whose commands, Alas! I've nothing to reply withal; Nor is there man more wretched than myself. For Clinia here (though he, I must confess, Has cares enough) has got a mistress, modest, Well-bred, and stranger to all harlot arts: Mine is a self-will'd, wanton, haughty madam, Gay, and extravagant; and let her ask Whate'er she will, she must not be denied; Since poverty I durst not make my plea. This is a plague I have but newly found, Nor is my father yet appris'd of it.



ACT THE SECOND.

SCENE I.

Enter CLINIA.

CLIN. Had my affairs in love been prosperous, They had, I know, been here long since: but, ah, I fear she's fall'n from virtue in my absence: So many things concur to prove it so, My mind misgives me; opportunity, The place, her age, an infamous old mother, Under whose governance she lives, to whom 'Naught but gain's precious.

To him CLITIPHO.

CLIT. Clinia!

CLIN. Woe is me! (To himself.)

CLIT. Take heed, lest some one issue from your father's, And chance to see you here.

CLIN. I will: but yet My mind forebodes I know not what of ill.

CLIT. What, still foreboding, ere you know the truth?

CLIN. Had there been no untoward circumstance, They had return'd already

CLIT. Patience, Clinia! They'll be here presently.

CLIN. Presently! but when?

CLIT. Consider, 'tis a long way off: and then You know the ways of women; to set off, And trick their persons out, requires an age.

CLIN. Oh Clitipho, I fear——

CLIT. Take courage; see, Dromo and Syrus!

SCENE II.

Enter SYRUS and DROMO, conversing at a distance.

SYRUS. Say you?

DROMO. Even so.

SYRUS. But while we chat, the girls are left behind.

CLIT. (listening.) Girls, Clinia! do you hear?

CLIN. I hear, I see, And now, at last, I'm happy, Clitipho.

DROMO (to SYRUS). Left behind! troth, no wonder: so encumber'd; A troop of waiting-women at her heels!

CLIN. (listening). Confusion! Whence should she have waiting-women?

CLIT. How can I tell?

SYRUS (to DROMO). We ought not to have dropp'd them. They bring a world of baggage!

CLIN. (listening). Death!

SYRUS. Gold, clothes! It grows late too, and they may miss their way. We've been to blame: Dromo, run back, and meet them. Away! quick! don't loiter. (Exit DROMO.

CLIN. What a wretch! All my fair hopes quite blasted!

CLIT. What's the matter? What is it troubles you?

CLIN. What troubles me? D'ye hear? She waiting-women, gold, and clothes! She, whom I left with one poor servant-girl! Whence come they, think you?

CLIT. Oh, I take you now.

SYRUS (to himself). Gods, what a crowd! our house will hardly hold them. What eating, and what drinking will there be! How miserable our old gentleman! But here are those I wish'd to see! (Seeing CLIT. and CLIN.)

CLIN. Oh Jove! Where then are truth, and faith, and honor fled? While I a fugitive, for love of you, Quit my dear country, you, Antiphila, For sordid gain desert me in distress! You, for whose sake I courted infamy, And cast off my obedience to my father. He, I remember now with grief and shame, Oft warn'd me of these women's ways; oft tried In vain by sage advice to wean me from her. But now I bid farewell to her forever; Though, when 'twere good and wholesome, I was froward. No wretch more curs'd than I!

SYRUS. He has misconstrued All our discourse, I find—You fancy, Clinia, Your mistress other than she is. Her life, As far as we from circumstance could learn, Her disposition tow'rd you, are the same.

CLIN. How! tell me all: for there is naught on earth I'd rather know than that my fears are false.

SYRUS. First then, that you may be appris'd of all, Th' old woman, thought her mother, was not so: That beldam also is deceas'd; for this I overheard her, as we came along, Telling the other.

CLIT. Other! who? what other?

SYRUS. Let me but finish what I have begun, And I shall come to that.

CLIT. Dispatch then.

SYRUS. First, Having arriv'd, Dromo knocks at the door: Which an old woman had no sooner open'd, But in goes Dromo, and I after him. Th' old woman bolts the door, and spins again, And now, or never, Clinia, might be known, Coming thus unexpectedly upon her, Antiphila's employments in your absence: For such, as then we saw, we might presume Her daily practice, which of all things else, Betrays the mind and disposition most. Busily plying of the web we found her, Decently clad in mourning,—I suppose, For the deceas'd old woman.—She had on No gold or trinkets, but was plain and neat, And dress'd like those who dress but for themselves. No female varnish to set off her beauty: Her hair dishevel'd, long, and flowing loose About her shoulders.—Peace! (To CLINIA.)

CLIN. Nay, prithee, Syrus, Do not transport me thus without a cause.

SYRUS. Th' old woman spun the woof; one servant-girl, A tatter'd dirty dowdy, weaving by her.

CLIT. Clinia, if this be true, as sure it is, Who is more fortunate than you? D'ye mark The ragged dirty girl that he describ'd? A sign the mistress leads a blameless life, When she maintains no flaunting go-between: For 'tis a rule with those gallants, who wish To win the mistress, first to bribe the maid.

CLIN. Go on, I beg you, Syrus; and take heed You fill me not with idle joy.—What said she When you nam'd me?

SYRUS. As soon as we inform'd her You was return'd, and begg'd her to come to you, She left her work immediately, and burst Into a flood of tears, which one might see Were shed for love of you.