TRA. So utterly, Simo, are we all undone!

SIM. Won't you hold your tongue? Everything has gone on prosperously with you hitherto.

TEA. I don't deny that it has been as you say; undoubtedly, we have lived heartily, just as we pleased; but, Simo, in such a way has the breeze now forsaken our ship—

SIM. What's the matter? In what way?

TRA. In a most shocking way.

SIM. What, wasn't it hauled ashore [4] in safety?

TRA. Ah me! SIM. What's the matter?

TRA. Ah wretched me! I'm utterly undone!

SIM. How so? TRA. Because a ship has come, to smash the hull of our ship.

SIM. I would wish as you would wish, Tranio, for your own sake. But what is the matter? Do inform me.

TRA. I will inform you. My master has arrived from abroad.

SIM. In that case, the cord will be stretched for you; thence to the place where iron fetters clink; after that, straight to the cross.

TRA. Now, by your knees, I do implore you, don't give information to my master.

SIM. Don't you fear; he shall know nothing from me.

TRA. Blessings on you, my patron.

SIM. I don't care for clients of this description for myself.

TRA. Now as to this about which our old gentleman has sent me.

SIM. First answer me this that I ask you. As yet, has your old gentleman discovered anything of these matters?

TRA. Nothing whatever.

SIM. Has he censured his son at all?

TRA. He is as calm as the calm weather is wont to be. Now he has requested me most earnestly to beg this of you, that leave may be given him to see over this house of yours.

SIM. It's not for sale. TRA. I know that indeed; but the old gentleman wishes to build a woman's apartment [5] here in his own house, baths, too, and a piazza, and a porch.

SIM. What has he been dreaming of?

TRA. I'll tell you. He wishes to give his son a wife as soon as he can; for that purpose he wants a new apartment for the women. But he says that some builder, I don't know who, has been praising up to him this house of yours, as being remarkably well built; now he's desirous to take a model from it, if you don't make any objection—

SIM. Indeed, he is really choosing a plan for himself from a piece of poor workmanship.

TRA. It was because he heard that here the summer heat was much modified; that this house was wont to be inhabited each day all day long.

SIM. Why really, upon my faith, on the contrary, while there's shade in every direction, in spite of it, the sun is always here from morning till night: he stands, like a dun, continually at the door; and I have no shade anywhere, unless, perhaps, there may be some in the well.

TRA. Well now, have you one from Sarsina, if you have no woman of Umbria [6]?

SIM. Don't be impertinent. It is just as I tell you.

TRA. Still, he wishes to look over it.

SIM. He may look over it, if he likes. If there is anything that takes his fancy, let him build after my plan.

TRA. Am I to go and call this person hither?

SIM. Go and call him.

TRA. (to himself, as he goes to the other side of the stage to call THEUROPIDES). They say that Alexander the Great and Agathocles [7] achieved two very great exploits; what shall be the lot of myself, a third, who, unaided, am achieving deeds imperishable? This old fellow is carrying his pack-saddle, the other one, as well. I've hit upon a novel trade for myself, not a bad one; whereas muleteers have mules to carry pack-saddles; I've got men to carry the pack-saddles. They are able to carry heavy burdens; whatever you put upon them, they carry. Now, I don't know whether I am to address him. I'll accost him, however. (Calling aloud.) Hark you, Theuropides!

THEU. (coming forward). Well; who's calling me?

TRA. A servant most attached to his master. Where you sent me, I got it all agreed to.

THEU. Prithee, why did you stay there so long?

TRA. The old gentleman hadn't leisure; I was waiting until then.

THEU. You keep up that old way of yours, of being tardy.

TRA. Hark you! if you please reflect upon this proverb: to blow and swallow [8] at the same moment isn't easy to be done; I couldn't be here and there at the same time.

THEU. What now?

TRA. Come and look, and inspect it at your own pleasure.

THEU. Very well, you go before me.

TRA. Am I delaying to do so? THEU. I'll follow after you.

TEA. (as they advance). Look, the old gentleman himself is awaiting you before the door, but he is concerned that he has sold this house.

THEU. Why so?

TRA. He begs me to persuade Philolaches to let him off.

THEU. I don't think he will. Each man reaps on his own farm [9]. If it had been bought dear, we shouldn't have had permission to return it on his hands. Whatever profit there is, it's proper to bring it home. It don't, now-a-days, befit men to be showing compassion.

TRA. I' faith, you are losing time while you are talking. Follow me.

THEU. Be it so. TRA. (to THEUROPIDES). I'll give you my services. (Pointing.) There's the old gentleman. (To SIMO.) Well now, I've brought you this person.

SIM. I'm glad that you've arrived safely from abroad, Theuropides. THEU. May the Gods bless you.

SIM. Your servant was telling me that you were desirous to look over this house.

THEU. Unless it's inconvenient to you.

SIM. Oh no; quite convenient. Do step in-doors and look over it. THEU. (pausing). But yet—the ladies—

SIM. Take you care not to trouble yourself a straw about any lady. Walk in every direction, wherever you like, all over the house, just as though it were your own.

THEU. (apart to TRANIO). "Just as though—?"

TRA. (whispering). Oh, take care that you don't throw it in his teeth now in his concern, that you have bought it. Don't you see him, how sad a countenance the old gentleman has?

THEU. (apart). I see. TRA. (apart). Then don't seem to exult, and to be overmuch delighted; in fact, don't make mention that you've bought it.

THEU. (apart). I understand; and I think you've given good advice, and that it shows a humane disposition. (Turning to SIMO.) What now?

SIM. Won't you go in? Look over it at your leisure, just as you like.

THEU. I consider that you are acting civilly and kindly.

SIM. Troth, I wish to do so. Should you like some one to show you over.

THEU. Away with any one to show [10] me over. I don't want him. SIM. Why? What's the matter?

THEU. I'll go wrong, rather than any one should show me over.

TRA. (pointing). Don't you see, this vestibule before the house, and the piazza, of what a compass it is?

THEU. Troth, really handsome!

TRA. Well, look now, what pillars there are, with what strength they are built, and of what a thickness.

THEU. I don't think that I ever saw handsomer pillars.

SIM. I' faith, they were some time since bought by me at such a price!

TRA. (aside, whispering). Don't you hear—"They were once"? He seems hardly able to refrain from tears.

THEU. At what price did you purchase them?

SIM. I gave three minae for the two, besides the carriage. (He retires to some distance.)

THEU. (after looking close at them, to TRANIO). Why, upon my word, they are much more unsound than I thought them at first.

TRA. Why so? THEU. Because, i' faith, the woodworm has split them both from the bottom.

TRA. I think they were cut at an improper season; that fault damages them; but even as it is, they are quite good enough, if they are covered with pitch. But it was no foreign pulse-eating artisan [11] did this work. Don't you see the joints in the door? (Pointing.)

THEU. I see them. TRA. Look, how close together they are sleeping.

THEU. Sleeping? TRA. That is, how they wink, I intended to say. Are you satisfied?

THEU. The more I look at each particular, the more it pleases me.

TRA. (pointing). Don't you see the painting, where one crow [12] is baffling two vultures? The crow stands there; it's pecking at them both in turn. This way, look, prithee, towards me [13], that you may be able to see the crow. (THEUROPIDES turns towards him.) Now do you see it?

THEU. (looking about). For my part, I really see no crow there.

TRA. But do you look in that direction, towards yourselves, since you cannot discover the crow, if perchance you may be able to espy the vultures. (THEUROPIDES turns towards SIMO.) Now do you see them?

THEU. Upon my faith, I don't see them.

TRA. But I can see two vultures.

THEU. To make an end of it with you, I don't see any bird at all painted here.

TRA. Well then, I give it up. I excuse you; it is through age you cannot see.

THEU. These things which I can see, really they do all please me mightily.

SIM. (coming forward). Now, at length, it's worth your while to move further on. THEU. Troth, you give good advice.

SIM. (calling at the door). Ho there, boy! take this person round this house and the apartments. But I myself would have shown you round, if I hadn't had business at the Forum.

THEU. Away with any one to show me over. I don't want to be shown over. Whatever it is, I'd rather go wrong than any one should show me over.

SIM. The house I'm speaking of.

THEU. Then I'll go in without any one to show me over.

SIM. Go, by all means.

THEU. I'll go in-doors, then.

TRA. (holding him back). Stop, please; let me see whether the dog—THEU. Very well then, look. (TRANIO looks into the passage.)

TRA. There is one. THEU. (looking in). Where is it?

TRA. (to the dog). Be off and be hanged! 'St, won't you be off to utter perdition with you? What, do you still linger? 'St, away with you from here!

SIM. (coming nearer to the door). There's no danger. You only move on. It's as gentle [14] as a woman in childbed. You may boldly step in-doors wherever you like. I'm going hence to the Forum.

THEU. You've acted obligingly. Good speed to you! (Exit SIMO.) Tranio, come, make that dog move away from the door inside, although it isn't to be feared.

TRA. Nay but (pointing), you look at it, how gently it lies. Unless you'd like yourself to appear troublesome and cowardly—

THEU. Very well, just as you like.

TRA. Follow me this way then.

THEU. For my part, I shall not move in any direction from your feet. (They go into the house.)

[Footnote 1: Sleep is not good)—Ver. 681. It was a custom with the Romans to take a nap at noon, after the "prandium." The modern Italians have the same practice, and call it the "siesta." Simo has his private reasons for thinking that this nap is not wholesome in his own case.]

[Footnote 2: Down upon him)—Ver. 698. "Hoc habet." Literally, "he has it;" a term used by the Spectators, when a gladiator received a wound at the gladiatoral games.]

[Footnote 3: By means of which to drive grief)—Ver. 699. He plays upon the resemblance of the words "dolo" and "dolorem."]

[Footnote 4: Wasn't it hauled ashore)—Vet. 723. It was the custom, when ships were not in use, especially in the winter time, to draw them up on chore, by means of rollers placed beneath them.]

[Footnote 5: A woman's apartment)—Ver. 741. "Gynaeceum." This was a name borrowed from the Greeks, for the apartments in the house which were especially devoted to the use of the females.]

[Footnote 6: No woman of Umbria)—Ver. 756. This is a poor pun upon the different acceptations of the word "umbra," which may signify, according to the context, "shade," or "a woman of Umbria." Simo means it in the former, while Tranio chooses to take it in the latter sense. Simo does not like this attempt at wit, and tells him not to be impertinent. We may here observe, that Plautus was born at Sarsina, a town of Umbria.]

[Footnote 7: Agathocles)—Ver. 761. Agathocles rose from the station of a potter to be king of Sicily.]

[Footnote 8: To blow and swallow)—Ver. 777. Or "exhale and inhale." A proverbial expression, very similar to that in use with us, that "a person cannot blow hot and cold at the same time."]

[Footnote 9: Reaps on his own farm)—Ver. 785. A country proverb, meaning "every one for himself."]

[Footnote 10: Away with any one to show)—Ver. 804. He says this, not liking the mention of the word "perductor," which, beside meaning an "attendant" or "one to escort," signifies a "pander" or "procurer." So in the next line, "perducto" means "to show over" or "to act the procurer."]

[Footnote 11: Foreign pulse-eating artisan)—Ver. 817. From the use of the word "pultiphagus," he probably alludes to Carthaginian workmen, who were very skilful at working in wood. In the Poenulus, Hanno the Carthaginian is called "patruus pultiphagonides," "the pulse- eating kinsman." If this is the meaning, it is pretty clear that he is not speaking in praise of the workmanship. Some, however, think that as, in early times, the lower classes at Rome lived upon "puls," "pap" or "pottage," the Scene being at Athens, Roman workmen are alluded to; if so, he may mean to speak in praise of the work, and to say that no bungling artists made the doors. See the Note in p. 355. The joints are said to wink, from the close conjunction of the eyelids in the act of winking.]

[Footnote 12: Where one crow)—Ver. 821. By the "crow," he means himself; and by the "vultures," the two old men. Simo is probably standing at some distance off; and knowing that his master's sight is not good, he feels that he may deride him with impunity.]

[Footnote 13: Towards me)—Ver. 822. "Ad me." Theuropides thinks he means, "in my direction;" whereas Tranio really means, "look 'at me,' and you will see the crow;" though he does not intend that his master shall take it in that sense.]

[Footnote 14: It's as gentle)—Ver. 840. This, probably, is intended to refer to the statue of a dog lying down in the vestibule, and not a real one. Pictures of dogs, with "cave canem" written beneath, were sometimes painted on the wall near the door.]

ACT IV.—SCENE I.

Enter PHANISCUS.

PHA. (to himself). Servants who, though they are free from fault, still stand in awe of punishment, those same are wont to be serviceable to their masters. But those who fear nothing, after they have merited punishment, hit upon foolish plans for themselves: they exercise themselves in running; they take to flight. But, if they are caught, they acquire from punishment a hoard, which by good means they cannot. They increase from a very little, and from that they lay by a treasure. The resolution that's in my mind is to be determined to be on my guard against punishment, before my back comes to lose its state of soundness. As hitherto it has been, so does it become my hide still to be, without a bruise, and such that I should decline its being beaten. If I have any control over it, I shall keep it well covered up [1]. When punishment is being showered down on others, don't let it be showered down on me. But as servants wish their master to be, such is he wont to be. He is good to the good, bad to the bad. But now at our house at home there do live so many rogues, lavish of their property [2], bearers of stripes. When they are called to go fetch their master, "I shan't go; don't be plaguing me; I know where you are hurrying off to," is the reply. "Now, faith, you mule, you're longing to go to pasturage out of doors [3]." With better deserts, this advantage have I reaped from them, and, in consequence, I have come from home. I alone, out of so many servants, am going to fetch my master. When, to-morrow, my master comes to know this, in the morning he will chastise them with bull's-hide spoils. In fine, I care less for their backs than for my own. Much rather shall they be bull's- hide-scourged than I be rope-scourged [4]. (Moves on.)

Enter another SERVANT.

SER. Hold you and stop this instant. Phaniscus! look round, I say!

PHA. (not turning round). Don't be annoying to me.

SER. Do see how scornful the monkey is!

PHA. I am so for myself; I choose to be. Why do you trouble yourself about it? (Walking on.)

SER. Are you going to stop this instant, you dirty parasite? PHA. (turning round). How am I a parasite?

SER. Why, I'll tell you: you can be drawn anywhere by victuals. Do you give yourself airs, because your master's so fond of you?

PHA. (rubbing his eyes). O dear, my eyes do ache [5].

SER. Why so?

PHA. Because the smoke's so troublesome.

SER. Hold your tongue, will you, you clever workman, who are in the habit of coining money out of lead [6].

PHA. You cannot compel me to be abusive to you. My master knows me.

SER. Why, really, his own pillow [7] he ought to know, for resting on when drunk.

PHA. If you were sober, you wouldn't be abusive.

SER. Am I to give heed to you, when you won't to me?

PHA. But, you rascal, you come along with me to fetch him.

SER. Troth now, Phaniscus, prithee, do leave off talking about these matters.

PHA. I'll do so, and knock at the door. (Knocks at the door of the house of THEUROPIDES.) Hallo there! is there any person here to protect this door from a most serious injury? (Knocking again.) Is any one, is any one, I say, coming out here and going to open it? Why, really, no one comes out here. Just as befits such worthless fellows, so they are. But on that account, I've the more need to be cautious that no one may come out and use me ill. (They stand aside.)

[Footnote 1: Well covered up)—Ver. 865. He alludes to the practice of stripping disobedient slaves, for the purpose of flogging them.]

[Footnote 2: Lavish of their property)—Ver. 870. That is, of their backs.]

[Footnote 3: To pasturage out of doors)—Ver. 876. This was probably a proverbial phrase for going to the "thermopolium," the "hot liquor-shop" or "tippling-house," so much frequented by the slaves. See the Trinummus, 1. 1013, and the Note to the passage.]

[Footnote 4: bull's-hide-scourged—rope-scourged)—Ver. 882. "Bucaedae—restio." The latter word properly signifies "a ropemaker." The former is probably coined by Plautus.]

[Footnote 5: My eyes do ache)—Ver. 890. Phaniscus probably means to say, that the sight of him is as annoying to his eyes as smoke can be.]

[Footnote 6: Money out of lead)—Ver. 892. According to Erasmus, (Adagia Chil. v. Cent. 1,) this was a proverbial expression among the Romans, signifying the ability to put on a specious appearance.]

[Footnote 7: His own pillow)—Ver. 894. There is an indelicate allusion in this line; and another turn has been given to it in the Translation.]

SCENE II.—Enter TRANIO and THEUROPIDES, from the house of SIMO.

TRA. What's your opinion of this bargain?

THEU. I am quite delighted.

TRA. Does it seem to you to have been bought too dear?

THEU. I' faith, I'm sure that I never anywhere saw a house thrown away, this one only excepted.

TRA. Does it please you, then?

THEU. Does it please me, do you ask me? Why yes, upon my faith, it really does please me very much.

TRA. What a fine set of rooms for the women! What a porch!

THEU. Exceedingly fine. For my part, I don't think that there is any porch larger than this in the public buildings.

TRA. Why, I myself and Philolaches have taken the measure of all the porches in the public buildings.

THEU. Well, what then?

TRA. This is far larger than all of them.

THEU. Immortal Gods—a splendid bargain! On my word, if he were now to offer six great talents of silver, ready money, for it, I would never take it.

TRA. Upon my faith, if you were inclined to take it, I would never let you.

THEU. My money has been well invested upon this purchase.

TRA. Boldly confess that by my advice and prompting it was done, who urged him to take up the money of the Banker upon interest, which we paid this person by way of deposit.

THEU. You've saved the whole ship. Eighty minae [1], you say, are owing for it?

TRA. Not a coin more. THEU. He may have it to-day.

TRA. By all means so, that there may be no dispute arising; or else pay them over to me, I'll then pay them over to him.

THEU. But still, don't let there be any taking me in, if I do give them to you.

TRA. Could I venture to deceive you in deed or word even in jest only?

THEU. Could I venture not to be on my guard against you, so as not to trust anything to you?

TRA. Why, have I ever imposed upon you in anything, since I was your servant?

THEU. But I've taken good care of that; I owe thanks to myself and my own judgment for that. If I'm only on my guard against you solely, I'm quite wise enough.

TRA. (aside). I agree with you.

THEU. Now be off into the country; tell my son that I've arrived.

TRA. I'll do as you wish.

THEIU. Run with all speed; bid him come to the city at once together with you.

TRA. Very well. (Aside.) Now I'll betake myself this way by the back-door to my boon-companions; I'll tell them that things are quiet here, and how I have kept him away from here. (Exit.

[Footnote 1: Eighty minae)—Ver. 919. Forty having been already paid (according to his story) as a deposit, and there being 120 minae in two talents.]

SCENE III.—THEUROPIDES, PHANISCUS, and another SERVANT.

PHA. (coming forward). Really, I don't hear either the sound of revellers here, as once it was, nor yet the music-girl singing, nor any one else. (Goes towards the door.)

THEU. What's the matter here? What are these people seeking at my house? What do they want? What are they peeping in for?

PHA. I shall proceed to knock at the door. (Knocks.)

Hallo there, unlock the door! Hallo, Tranio! are you going to open it, I say?

THEU. (advancing). What story's this, I wonder?

PHA. (aloud). Are you going to open it, I say? I've come to fetch my master Callidamates.

THEU. Harkye, you lads! what are you doing there? Why are you breaking down that door?

PHA. Our master's at a drinking-party here.

THEU. Your master at a drinking-party here?

PHA. I say so.

THEU. You're carrying the joke too far my lad.

PHA. We've come to fetch him.

THEU. What person? PHA. Our master. Prithee, how often must I tell you?

THEU. There's no one living here my lad; for I do think that you are a decent lad.

PHA. Doesn't a young gentleman called Philolaches live in this house?

SER. (aside). This old fellow's crack-brained, surely.

PHA. You are entirely mistaken, respected sir [1]; for unless he moved from here to-day or yesterday, I know for certain that he's living here.

THEU. Why, no one has been living here for these six months past.

SER. You are dreaming. THEU. What, I?

SER. You. THEU. Don't you be impertinent. Let me speak to the lad. (Pointing to PHANISCUS.)

PHA. No one lives there? O dear—

THEU. It's the fact.

PHA. Really! why, yesterday and the day before, four, five, six days ago, all along, in fact, since his father went abroad from here, eating and drinking have never ceased for a single three days here.

THEU. What is it you say?

PHA. That eating and drinking have never stopped for a single three days here, bringing in wenches, living like Greeks, hiring harpists and music-girls.

THEU. Who was it did this?

PHA. Philolaches. THEU. What Philolaches?

PHA. He whose father I take to be Theuropides.

THEU. (apart). O dear, O dear! I'm utterly undone, if he says the truth in this. I'll continue to question him still. Do you say that this Philolaches, whoever he is, has been in the habit of drinking here together with your master?

PHA. Here, I tell you.

THEU. My lad, contrary to your appearance, you are a fool. See now, please, that you've not perchance been dropping in somewhere for an afternoon's whet [2], and have been drinking there a little more than was enough.

PHA. What do you mean? THEU. Just what I say; don't be going by mistake to other persons' houses.

PHA. I know where I ought to go, and the place to which I was to come. Philolaches lives here, whose father is Theuropides; and who, after his father went away to trade, made free a music-girl here.

THEU. Philolaches, say you? PHA. Just so; Philematium, I mean.

THEU. For how much? SER. For thirty talents.

PHA. No, by Apollo [3]; you mean minae.

THEU. Do you say that a mistress was purchased for Philolaches for thirty minae?

PHA. I do say so. THEU. And that he gave her her freedom?

PHA. I do say so. THEU. And that after his father had departed hence abroad, he has been carousing here continually with your master?

PHA. I do say so. THEU. Well, has he made purchase of the house next door here?

PHA. I don't say so. THEU. Has he given forty minae, too, to this person, to be as a deposit?

PHA. Nor yet do I say so.

THEU. Ah me! you've proved my ruin!

PHA. Aye, and he has proved the ruin of his father.

THEU. You prophesy the truth! I could wish it false!

PHA. A friend of his father, I suppose?

THEU. Ah me! Upon my faith, you do pronounce him to be a wretched father.

PHA. Why really, this is nothing at all—thirty minae, in comparison with the other expenses he has incurred in good living. He has ruined his father. There's one servant there, a very great scoundrel, Tranio by name; he could even waste the revenue of a Hercules [4]. On my word, I'm sadly distrest for his father; for when he comes to know that things have gone on thus, a hot coal will be scorching his breast, poor man.

THEU. If, indeed, this is the truth.

PHA. What am I to gain, that I should tell a lie? (Knocks again at the door.) Hallo, you! is any one coming to open this door?

SER. Why do you knock in this way, when there's no one in the house?

PHA. I fancy that he's gone elsewhere to carouse. Now then, let's begone. (They move as if going.)

THEU. What, my lad, are you off then? Liberty's the overcoat for your back [5].

PHA. Nothing have I with which to cover my back, except to pay respect and service to my master.

(Exeunt PHANISCUS and SERVANT.

THEU. (to himself). By my troth, I am undone! What need is there of talking? According to the words I have heard, I surely haven't lately voyaged hence to Aegypt, but even to some desolate land and the most remote shores have I been borne about, so much am I at a loss to know where I now am. But I shall soon know; for see, here's the person of whom my son bought the house.

[Footnote 1: Respected sir)—Ver. 944. "Pater," Literally, "father."]

[Footnote 2: An afternoon's whet)—Ver. 958. "Merendam." According to some, this meal was the same as the "prandium," or "breakfast;" while others take it to have been a slight meal or luncheon, taken at about four or five in the afternoon.]

[Footnote 3: No, by Apollo)—Ver. 965. [Greek: Ma ton Apollo]. He uses a Greek adjuration.]

[Footnote 4: The revenue of a Hercules)—Ver. 976. It was the custom with many to devote to Hercules the tenth part of their possessions. Consequently, the revenues belonging to the Temples of this Deity would be especially large.]

[Footnote 5: The overcoat for your back)—Ver. 982. Schmieder thinks this is said insultingly to Phaniscus. It would, however, appear otherwise: Phaniscus having no "paenula," or "overcoat," on, Theuropides, who thinks him a very worthy fellow, says, "My good fellow, your freedom would make you a very fine overcoat." ]

SCENE IV.—Enter SIMO.

THEU. What are you about?

SIM. I'm coming home from the Forum.

THEU. Has anything new been going on at the Forum to-day?

SIM. Why yes. THEU. What is it, pray?

SIM. I saw a dead man being carried to burial.

THEU. Dear me! that is something new!

SIM. I saw one who was dead being carried out to burial [1]. They said that he had been alive but just before.

THEU. Woe to that head of yours for your nonsense!

SIM. Why are you, thus idling about, enquiring after the news? THEU. Because I've just arrived from abroad.

SIM. I'm engaged out to dine: don't suppose I shall invite you [2]. THEU. I' faith, I don't want.

SIM. But, to-morrow, unless any person invites me first, I'll even dine with you.

THEU. I' faith, and that, too, I don't want. Unless you are engaged with something of greater importance, lend me your attention.

SIM. By all means. THEU. You have received, as far as I understand, forty minae of Philolaches.

SIM. Never a coin, so far as I know.

THEU. What? Not from my servant Tranio?

SIM. Much less is that the case.

THEU. Which he gave you by way of deposit?

SIM. What are you dreaming about?

THEU. What, I? Why, really, 'tis yourself, who hope that, by dissembling in this manner, you'll be able to make void this bargain.

SIM. Why, what do you mean? THEU. The business that, in my absence, my son transacted with you here.

SIM. How did your son, in your absence, transact any business with me? What pray, or on what day?

THEU. I owe you eighty minae of silver.

SIM. Not to me, indeed, upon my faith; but still, if you do owe them, give them me. Faith must be kept. Don't be attempting to deny it.

THEU. Assuredly, I shall not deny that I owe them; and I shall pay them. Do you take care how you deny that you received the forty from him.

SIM. Troth now, prithee, look this way at me, and answer me. He said that you were wishful to give a wife to your son; for that reason, he said that you intended building on your own premises.

THEU. I, intended building here? SIM. So he told me.

THEU. Ah me! I'm ruined outright! I've hardly any voice left [3]. Neighbours, I'm undone, ruined quite!

SIM. Has Tranio been causing any confusion?

THEU. Yes; he has thrown everything into confusion. He has made a fool of me to-day in a disgraceful manner.

SIM. What is it you say?

THEU. This matter is just as I am telling you; he has this day made a fool of me in an outrageous manner. Now I beseech you that you'll kindly aid me, and lend me your assistance.

SIM. What would you have?

THEU. I beg of you, come this way together with me.

SIM. Be it so. THEU. Lend me the assistance of your slaves and some scourges.

SIM. Take them by all means.

THEU. At the same time I'll tell you about this, in what a fashion he has this day imposed upon me. (They go into the house of SIMO.)

[Footnote 1: Being carried out to burial)—Ver. 991. It is supposed that in this reply he plays upon the question of Theuropides, who uses the word "processit" in his question, which may either mean, "what has been going on?" or "what procession has there been?"]

[Footnote 2: I shall invite you)—996. He alludes to the universal custom of giving friends a "coena viatica," or welcome entertainment, on arriving from off a journey.]

[Footnote 3: I've hardly any voice left)—Ver. 1019. "Vocis non habeo satis." Literally, "I have not voice enough."]

ACT V.—SCENE I.

Enter TRANIO.

TRA. (to himself). The man that shall prove timid in critical matters, will not be worth a nutshell. And, really, to say what that expression, "worth a nutshell," means, I don't know. But after my master sent me into the country to fetch his son hither, I went that way (pointing) slily through the lane to our garden. At the entrance to the garden that's in the lane, I opened the door; and by that road I led out all the troop, both men and women. After, from being in a state of siege, I had led out my troops to a place of safety, I

adopted the plan of convoking a senate of my comrades, and when I had convoked it, they forthwith banished me from the senate. When I myself perceived that the matter must be decided by my own judgment, as soon as ever I could, I did the same as many others do, whose affairs are in a critical or a perplexed state; they proceed to render them more perplexed, so that nothing can be settled. But I know full well, that now by no means can this be concealed from the old man. But how's this, that our next neighbour's door makes a noise? Why, surely this is my master: I'd like to have a taste of his talk. (Goes aside, out of sight of THEUROPIDES.)

Enter THEUROPIDES, from SIMO'S house.

THEU. (in the doorway, speaking to SIMO'S SLAVES). Do you stand there, in that spot within the threshold; so that, the very instant I call, you may sally forth at once. Quickly fasten the handcuffs upon him. I'll wait before the house for this fellow that makes a fool of me, whose hide I'll make a fool of in fine style, if I live.

TRA. (apart). The affair's all out. Now it's best for you, Tranio, to consider what you are to do.

THEU. (to himself). I must go to work to catch him cleverly and artfully when he comes here. I'll not disclose to him my feelings all at once; I'll throw out my line; I'll conceal the fact that I know anything of these matters.

TRA. (apart). O cunning mortal! not another person in Athens can be pronounced more clever than he. One can no more this day deceive him than he can a stone. I'll accost the man; I'll address him.

THEU. (to himself). Now I do wish that he would come here.

TRA. (apart). I' faith, if me indeed you want, here I am ready at hand for you. (Comes forward.)

THEU. Bravo! Tranio, what's being done?

TRA. The country people are coming from the country: Philolaches will be here in a moment.

THEU. I' faith, he comes opportunely for me. This neighbour of ours I take to be a shameless and dishonest fellow.

TRA. Why so?

THEU. Inasmuch as he denies that he knows you.

TRA. Denies it? THEU. And declares that you never gave him a single coin of money.

TRA. Out with you, you are joking me, I do believe; he doesn't deny it.

THEU. How so? TRA. I am sure now that you are joking; for surely he doesn't deny it.

THEU. Nay but, upon my faith, he really does deny it; or that he has sold this house to Philolaches.

TRA. Well now, pray, has he denied that the money was paid him?

THEU. Nay more, he offered to take an oath to me, if I desired it, that he had neither sold this house, nor had any money him paid been. I told him the same that you told me.

TRA. What did he say? THEU. He offered to give up all his servants for examination.

TRA. Nonsense! On my faith, he never will give them up.

THEU. He really does offer them.

TRA. Why then, do you summon him to trial.

THEU. Wait a bit; I'll make trial as I fancy. I'm determined on it. TRA. Bring the fellow here to me.

THEU. What then, if I go fetch some men?

TRA. It ought to hare been done already; or else bid the young man to demand possession of the house.

THEU. Why no, I want to do this first—to put the servants under examination [1].

TRA. I' faith, I think it ought to be done. Meantime, I'll take possession of this altar [2]. (Runs to the altar.)

THEU. Why so? TRA. You can understand nothing. Why, that those may not be able to take refuge here whom he shall give up for examination, I'll keep guard here for you; so that the examination may not come to nothing.

THEU. Get up from the altar. TRA. By no means.

THEU. Prithee, don't you take possession of the altar.

TRA. Why so?

THEU. You shall hear; why, because I especially want this, for them to be taking refuge there. Do let them; so much the more easily shall I get him fined before the judge.

TRA. What you intend to do, do it. Why do you wish to sow further strife? You don't know how ticklish a thing it is to go to law.

THEU. Just get up, (beckoning) this way; it's, then, to ask your advice upon something that I want you.

TRA. Still, as I am, I'll give my advice from this spot; my wits are much sharper when I'm sitting [3]. Besides, advice is given with higher sanction from holy places [4].

THEU. Get up; don't be trifling. Just look me in the face. TRA. (looking at him). I am looking.

THEU. Do you see me? TRA. I do see—that if any third person were to step in here, he would die of hunger.

THEU. Why so? TRA. Because he would get no profit; for, upon my faith, we are both artful ones.

THEU. I'm undone! TRA. What's the matter with you?

THEU. You have deceived me. TRA. How so, pray?

THEU. You've wiped me clean [5]. TRA. Consider, please, if it wasn't well done; is your nose running still?

THEU. Aye, all my brains besides have you been wiping out of my head as well. For all your villanies I have discovered from their very roots; and not from the roots, indeed, i' faith, but even from beneath the very roots. Never this day, by my troth, will you have planned all this without being punished. I shall at once, you villain, order fire and faggots [6] to be placed around you.

TRA. Don't do it; for it's my way to be sweeter boiled than roasted.

THEU. Upon my faith, I'll make an example of you.

TRA. Because I please you, you select me for an example.

THEU. Say now: what kind of a person did I leave my son, when I went away from here?

TRA. One with feet and hands, with fingers, ears, eyes, and lips. THEU. I asked you something else than that.

TRA. For that reason I now answer you something else. But look, I see Callidamates, the friend of your son, coming this way. Deal with me in his presence, if you want anything.

[Footnote 1: Servants under examination)—Ver. 1073. "Quaestioni." "Examination by torture;" which was the method used by the Romans for extracting confessions from slaves.]

[Footnote 2: Take position of this altar)—Ver. 1074. When a person took refuge at an altar, he could not be brought to justice, or have violence offered to his person. According to some writers, there were always two altars on the stage of Comedy, one on the right hand, sacred to Apollo, and one on the left, devoted to that Divinity or Hero in honor of whom the Play was being acted.]

[Footnote 3: Sharper when I'm sitting)—1083. Warner suggests that a little raillery is intended here, upon the custom of sitting when dispensing justice and paying adoration to the Gods.]

[Footnote 4: With higher sanction from holy places)—Ver. 1084. The ancients made use of sacred places for the purpose of debating on affairs of importance in, as being likely to add weight and authority to their judgment. The Roman Senate often met in the Temples, and there administered justice and gate audience to ambassadors.]

[Footnote 5: You've wiped me clean)—Ver. 1089. "Emungo," "to wipe the nose" for a person, also meant "to cheat" or "impose upon him;" probably, by reason of the state of helplessness it implied in the party who was so treated.]

[Footnote 6: Order fire and faggots)—Ver. 1099. Though a suppliant could not be removed from the altar by force, still it was allowable to burn him away, by surrounding him with fire.]

SCENE II.—_Enter CALLIDAMATES, _at a distance._

CALL. (to himself). When I had buried all drowsiness [1], and slept off the debauch, Philolaches told me that his father had arrived here from abroad; in what a way too his servant had imposed upon the man on his arrival; he said that he was afraid to come into his presence. Now of our company I am deputed sole ambassador, to obtain peace from his father. And look, most opportunely here he is. (Accosting THEUROPIDES.) I wish you health, Theuropides, and am glad that you've got back safe from abroad. You must dine here with us to-day. Do so.

THEU. Callidamates, may the Gods bless you. For your dinner I offer you my thanks.

CALL. Will you come then? TRA. (To THEUROPIDES.) Do promise him; I'll go for you, if you don't like.

THEU. Whip-scoundrel, laughing at me still?

TRA. What, because I say that I'll go to dinner for you?

THEU. But you shan't go. I'll have you carried to the cross, as you deserve.

TRA. Come, let this pass, and say that I shall go to the dinner. Why are you silent?

CALL. (to TRANIO). But why, you greatest of simpletons, have you taken refuge at the altar?

TRA. He frightened me on his arrival. (To THEUROPIDES.) Say now, what I have done amiss. Look, now there's an umpire for us both; come, discuss the matter.

THEU. I say that you have corrupted my son.

TRA. Only listen. I confess that he has done amiss; that he has given freedom to his mistress; that in your absence he has borrowed money at interest; that, I admit, is squandered away. Has he done anything different to what sons of the noblest families do?

THEU. Upon my faith, I must be on my guard with you; you are too clever a pleader.

CALL. Just let me be umpire in this matter. (To TRANIO.) Get up; I'll seat myself there.

THEU. By all means: take the management of this dispute to yourself. (Pushes him to one side of the altar.)

TRA. Why, this is surely a trick. Make me, then, not to be in a fright, and yourself to be in a fright in my stead.

THEU. I consider now everything of trifling consequence, compared with the way in which he has fooled me.

TRA. I' faith, 'twas cleverly done, and I rejoice that it was done. Those who have white heads ought at that age to be wiser.

THEU. What am I now to do if my friend Demipho or Philonides—

TRA. Tell them in what way your servant made a fool of you. You would be affording most capital plots for Comedies.

CALL. Hold your tongue awhile; let me speak in my turn.—Listen. THEU. By all means.

CALL. In the first place of all then, you know that I am the companion of your son; he has gone to my house, for he is ashamed to come into your presence, because he knows that you are aware what he has done. Now, I beseech you, do pardon his simplicity and youthfulness. He is your son; you know that this age is wont to play such pranks; whatever he has done, he has done in company with me. We have acted wrong: the interest, principal, and all the sum at which the mistress vas purchased, all of it we will find, and will contribute together, at our own cost, not yours.

THEU. No mediator could have come to me more able to influence me than yourself. I am neither angry with him [2], nor do I blame him for anything: nay more, in my presence, wench on, drink, do what you please. If he's ashamed of this, that he has been extravagant, I have sufficient satisfaction.

CALL. I'm quite ashamed myself.

TRA. He grants pardon thus far; now then, what is to become of me?

THEU. Filth, tied up as you hang, you shall be beaten with stripes.

TRA. Even though I am ashamed [3]?

THEU. Upon my faith, I'll be the death of you, if I live!

CALL. Make this pardon general; do, pray, forgive Tranio this offence, for my sake.

THEU. I would more readily put up with your obtaining any other request of me than that I should forbear sending to perdition this fellow for his most villanous doings.

CALL. Pray, do pardon him. TRA. Do pardon me?

THEU. Look there, don't you see how the villain sticks there? (Pointing to the altar.)

CALL. Tranio, do be quiet, if you are in your senses.

THEU. Only do you be quiet in urging this matter. I'll subdue him with stripes, so that he shall be quiet.

CALL. Really, there is no need. Come now, do allow yourself to be prevailed upon.

THEU. I wish you would not request me.

CALL. Troth now, I do entreat you.

THEU. I wish you would not request me, I tell you.

CALL. It's in vain you wish me not; only do grant this one pardon for his offence, pray, for my sake, I do entreat you.

TRA. Why make this difficulty? As if to-morrow, I shouldn't be very soon committing some other fault; then, both of them, both this one and that, you'll be able to punish soundly.

CALL. Do let me prevail upon you.

THEU. Well then, have it so; begone, unpunished! (TRANIO jumps down from the altar.) There now, (pointing to CALLIDAMATES) return him thanks for it. (Coming forward.) Spectators, this Play is finished; grant us your applause [4].

[Footnote 1: Buried all drowsiness)—Ver. 1102. Generally we hear of a person "being buried in sleep;" but Callidamates considers that a drunkard, when he awakes from his sleep, "buries slumber." It is not unlike the words of Shakspeare, in Macbeth: "Macbeth doth murder sleep!"]

[Footnote 2: Neither angry with him)—Ver. 1142. "Illi," "with him;" evidently meaning Philolaches.]

[Footnote 3: Though I am ashamed)—Ver. 1146. This piece of impudence is very characteristic of Tranio.]

[Footnote 4: Grant us your applause)—Ver. 1160. We may here remark that The Intriguing Chambermaid, one of Fielding's Comedies, is founded upon this entertaining Play.]

THE END