No. VIII.

A SECOND LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, ESQ.

[In the following epistle, we behold Mr. Sawin returning a miles emeritus, to the bosom of his family. Quantum mutatus! The good Father of us all had doubtless entrusted to the keeping of this child of his certain faculties of a constructive kind. He had put in him a share of that vital force, the nicest economy of every minute atom of which is necessary to the perfect development of Humanity. He had given him a brain and heart, and so had equipped his soul with the two strong wings of knowledge and love, whereby it can mount to hang its nest under the eaves of heaven. And this child, so dowered, he had entrusted to the keeping of his vicar, the State. How stands the account of that stewardship? The State, or Society (call her by what name you will), had taken no manner of thought of him till she saw him swept out into the street, the pitiful leavings of last night's debauch, with cigar-ends, lemon-parings, tobacco-quids, slops, vile stenches, and the whole loathsome next-morning of the bar-room,—an own child of the Almighty God! I remember him as he was brought to be christened, a ruddy, rugged babe; and now there he wallows, reeking, seething,—the dead corpse, not of a man, but of a soul,—a putrefying lump, horrible for the life that is in it. Comes the wind of heaven, that good Samaritan, and parts the hair upon his forehead, nor is too nice to kiss those parched, cracked lips; the morning opens upon him her eyes full of pitying sunshine, the sky yearns down to him,—and there he lies fermenting. O sleep! let me not profane thy holy name by calling that stertorous unconsciousness a slumber! By and by comes along the State, God's vicar. Does she say,—"My poor, forlorn foster-child! Behold here a force which I will make dig and plant and build for me"? Not so, but,—"Here is a recruit ready-made to my hand, a piece of destroying energy lying unprofitably idle." So she claps an ugly grey suit on him, puts a musket in his grasp, and sends him off, with Gubernatorial and other godspeeds, to do duty as a destroyer.

I made one of the crowd at the last Mechanics' Fair, and, with the rest, stood gazing in wonder at a perfect machine, with its soul of fire, its boiler-heart that sent the hot blood pulsing along the iron arteries, and its thews of steel. And while I was admiring the adaptation of means to end, the harmonious involutions of contrivance, and the never-bewildered complexity, I saw a grimed and greasy fellow, the imperious engine's lackey and drudge, whose sole office was to let fall, at intervals, a drop or two of oil upon a certain joint. Then my soul said within me, See there a piece of mechanism to which that other you marvel at is but as the rude first effort of a child,—a force which not merely suffices to set a few wheels in motion, but which can send an impulse all through the infinite future,—a contrivance, not for turning out pins, or stitching button-holes, but for making Hamlets and Lears. And yet this thing of iron shall be housed, waited on, guarded from rust and dust, and it shall be a crime but so much as to scratch it with a pin; while the other, with its fire of God in it, shall be buffeted hither and thither, and finally sent carefully a thousand miles to be the target for a Mexican cannon-ball. Unthrifty Mother State! My heart burned within me for pity and indignation, and I renewed this covenant with my own soul,—In aliis mansuetus ero, at, in blasphemiis contra Christum, non ita.—H. W.]

I spose you wonder ware I be; I can't tell, fer the soul o' me, Exacly ware I be myself,—meanin' by thet the holl o' me. Wen I left hum, I hed two legs, an' they worn't bad ones neither (The scaliest trick they ever played wuz bringin' on me hither), Now one on 'em 's I dunno ware;—they thought I wuz adyin', An' sawed it off, because they said 'twuz kin' o' mortifyin'; I 'm willin' to believe it wuz, an' yit I don't see, nuther, Wy one should take to feelin' cheap a minnit sooner 'n t'other, Sence both wuz equilly to blame; but things is ez they be; It took on so they took it off, an' thet 's enough fer me: There 's one good thing, though, to be said about my wooden new one,— The liquor can't get into it ez 't used to in the true one; So it saves drink; an' then, besides, a feller could n't beg. A gretter blessin' then to hev one ollers sober peg; It 's true a chap 's in want o' two fer follerin' a drum, But all the march I 'm up to now is jest to Kingdom Come.

I 've lost one eye, but thet 's a loss it 's easy to supply Out o' the glory thet I 've gut, fer thet is all my eye; An' one is big enough, I guess, by diligently usin' it, To see all I shall ever git by way o' pay fer losin' it; Off'cers, I notice, who git paid fer all our thumps an' kickins, Du wal by keepin' single eyes arter the fattest pickins; So, ez the eye 's put fairly out, I 'll larn to go without it, An' not allow myself to be no gret put out about it. Now, le' me see, thet is n't all; I used, 'fore leavin' Jaalam, To count things on my finger-eends, but sutthin' seems to ail 'em: Ware 's my left hand? O, darn it, yes, I recollect wut 's come on 't; I haint no left arm but my right, an' thet 's gut jest a thumb on 't; It aint so hendy ez it wuz to cal'late a sum on 't. I 've hed some ribs broke,—six (I b'lieve),—I haint kep' no account on 'em; Wen pensions git to be the talk, I 'll settle the amount on 'em. An' now I 'm speakin' about ribs, it kin' o' brings to mind One thet I could n't never break,—the one I lef' behind; Ef you should see her, jest clear out the spout o' your invention An' pour the longest sweetnin'-in about an annooal pension, An' kin' o' hint (in case, you know, the critter should refuse to be Consoled) I aint so 'xpensive now to keep ez wut I used to be; There 's one arm less, ditto one eye, an' then the leg thet 's wooden Can be took off an' sot away wenever ther' 's a puddin'.

I spose you think I 'm comin' back ez opperlunt ez thunder, With shiploads o' gold images, an' varus sorts o' plunder; Wal, 'fore I vullinteered, I thought this country wuz a sort o' Canaan, a reg'lar Promised Land flowin' with rum an' water, Ware propaty growed up like time, without no cultivation, An' gold wuz dug ez taters be among our Yankee nation, Ware nateral advantages were pufficly amazin', Ware every rock there wuz about with precious stuns wuz blazin', Ware mill-sites filled the country up ez thick ez you could cram 'em, An' desput rivers run about abeggin' folks to dam 'em; Then there were meetinhouses, tu, chockful o' gold an' silver Thet you could take, an' no one could n't hand ye in no bill fer;— Thet 's wut I thought afore I went, thet 's wut them fellers told us Thet stayed to hum an' speechified an' to the buzzards sold us; I thought thet gold mines could be gut cheaper than china asters, An' see myself acomin' back like sixty Jacob Astors; But sech idees soon melted down an' did n't leave a grease-spot; I vow my holl sheer o' the spiles would n't come nigh a V spot; Although, most anywares we 've ben, you need n't break no locks, Nor run no kin' o' risks, to fill your pocket full o' rocks.

I guess I mentioned in my last some o' the nateral feeturs O' this all-fiered buggy hole in th' way o' awfle creeturs, But I fergut to name (new things to speak on so abounded) How one day you 'll most die o' thust, an' 'fore the next git drownded. The clymit seems to me jest like a teapot made o' pewter Our Prudence hed, thet would n't pour (all she could du) to suit her; Fust place the leaves 'ould choke the spout, so 's not a drop 'ould dreen out, Then Prude 'ould tip an' tip an' tip, till the holl kit bust clean out, The kiver-hinge-pin bein' lost, tea-leaves an' tea an' kiver 'ould all come down kerswosh! ez though the dam broke in a river. Jest so 't is here; holl months there aint a day o' rainy weather, An' jest ez th' officers 'ould be alayin' heads together Ez t' how they 'd mix their drink at sech a milingtary deepot,— 'T 'ould pour ez though the lid wuz off the everlastin' teapot.

The cons'quence is, thet I shall take, wen I 'm allowed to leave here, One piece o' propaty along,—an' thet 's the shakin' fever; It 's reggilar employment, though, an' thet aint thought to harm one, Nor 't aint so tiresome ez it wuz with t' other leg an' arm on; An' it 's a consolation, tu, although it does n't pay, To hev it said you 're some gret shakes in any kin' o' way. 'T worn't very long, I tell ye wut, I thought o' fortin-makin',— One day a reg'lar shiver-de-freeze, an' next ez good ez bakin',— One day abrilin' in the sand, then smoth'rin' in the mashes,— Git up all sound, be put to bed a mess o' hacks an' smashes. But then, thinks I, at any rate there 's glory to be hed,— Thet 's an investment, arter all, thet may n't turn out so bad; But somehow, wen we 'd fit an' licked, I ollers found the thanks Gut kin' o' lodged afore they come ez low down ez the ranks; The Gin'rals gut the biggest sheer, the Cunnles next, an' so on,— We never gut a blasted mite o' glory ez I know on; An' spose we hed, I wonder how you 're goin' to contrive its Division so 's to give a piece to twenty thousand privits; Ef you should multiply by ten the portion o' the brav'st one, You would n't git more 'n half enough to speak of on a grave-stun; We git the licks,—we 're jest the grist thet 's put into War's hoppers; Leftenants is the lowest grade thet helps pick up the coppers. It may suit folks thet go agin a body with a soul in 't, An' aint contented with a hide without a bagnet hole in 't; But glory is a kin' o' thing I shan't pursue no furder, Coz thet 's the off'cers parquisite,—yourn 's on'y jest the murder.

Wal, arter I gin glory up, thinks I at least there 's one Thing in the bills we aint hed yit, an' thet 's the GLORIOUS FUN; Ef once we git to Mexico, we fairly may persume we All day an' night shall revel in the halls o' Montezumy. I 'll tell ye wut my revels wuz, an' see how you would like 'em; We never gut inside the hall: the nighest ever I come Wuz stan'in' sentry in the sun (an', fact, it seemed a cent'ry) A ketchin' smells o' biled an' roast thet come out thru the entry, An' hearin', ez I sweltered thru my passes an' repasses, A rat-tat-too o' knives an' forks, a clinkty-clink o' glasses: I can't tell off the bill o' fare the Gin'rals hed inside All I know is, thet out o' doors a pair o' soles wuz fried, An' not a hunderd miles away frum ware this child wuz posted, A Massachusetts citizen wuz baked an' biled an' roasted; The on'y thing like revellin' thet ever come to me Wuz bein' routed out o' sleep by thet darned revelee.

They say the quarrel 's settled now; fer my part I 've some doubt on 't, 'T 'll take more fish-skin than folks think to take the rile clean out on 't; At any rate, I 'm so used up I can't do no more fightin', The on'y chance thet 's left to me is politics or writin'; Now, ez the people 's gut to hev a milingtary man, An' I aint nothin' else jest now, I 've hit upon a plan; The can'idatin' line, you know, 'ould suit me to a T, An' ef I lose, 't wunt hurt my ears to lodge another flea; So I 'll set up ez can'idate fer any kin' o' office (I mean fer any thet includes good easy-cheers an' soffies; Fer ez to runnin' fer a place ware work 's the time o' day, You know thet 's wut I never did,—except the other way); Ef it 's the Presidential cheer fer wich I 'd better run, Wut two legs anywares about could keep up with my one? There aint no kin' o' quality in can'idates, it 's said, So useful ez a wooden leg,—except a wooden head; There 's nothin' aint so poppylar—(wy, it 's a parfect sin To think wut Mexico hez paid fer Santy Anny's pin;)— Then I haint gut no principles, an', sence I wuz knee-high, I never did hev any gret, ez you can testify; I 'm a decided peace-man, tu, an' go agin the war,— Fer now the holl on 't 's gone an' past, wut is there to go for? Ef, wile you 're 'lectioneerin' round, some curus chaps should beg To know my views o' state affairs, jest answer WOODEN LEG! Ef they aint settisfied with thet, an' kin' o' pry an' doubt An' ax fer sutthin' deffynit, jest say ONE EYE PUT OUT! Thet kin' o' talk I guess you 'll find 'll answer to a charm, An' wen you 're druv tu nigh the wall, hol' up my missin' arm; Ef they should nose round fer a pledge, put on a vartoous look An' tell 'em thet 's percisely wut I never gin nor—took!

Then you can call me "Timbertoes,"—thet 's wut the people likes; Sutthin' combinin' morril truth with phrases sech ez strikes; Some say the people 's fond o' this, or thet, or wut you please,— I tell ye wut the people want is jest correct idees; "Old Timbertoes," you see 's a creed it 's safe to be quite bold on, There 's nothin' in 't the other side can any ways git hold on; It 's a good tangible idee, a sutthin' to embody Thet valooable class o' men who look thru brandy-toddy; It gives a Party Platform tu, jest level with the mind Of all right-thinkin', honest folks thet mean to go it blind; Then there air other good hooraws to dror on ez you need 'em, Sech ez the ONE-EYED SLARTERER, the BLOODY BIRDOFREDUM; Them 's wut takes hold o' folks thet think, ez well ez o' the masses, An' makes you sartin o' the aid o' good men of all classes.

There 's one thing I 'm in doubt about; in order to be Presidunt, It 's absolutely ne'ssary to be a Southern residunt; The Constitution settles thet, an' also thet a feller Must own a nigger o' some sort, jet black, or brown, or yeller. Now I haint no objections agin particklar climes, Nor agin ownin' anythin' (except the truth sometimes), But, ez I haint no capital, up there among ye, may be, You might raise funds enough fer me to buy a low-priced baby, An' then, to suit the No'thern folks, who feel obleeged to say They hate an' cuss the very thing they vote fer every day, Say you 're assured I go full butt fer Libbaty's diffusion An' made the purchis on'y jest to spite the Institootion;— But, golly! there 's the currier's hoss upon the pavement pawin'! I 'll be more 'xplicit in my next.

Yourn,

BIRDOFREDUM SAWIN.

[We have now a tolerably fair chance of estimating how the balance-sheet stands between our returned volunteer and glory. Supposing the entries to be set down on both sides of the account in fractional parts of one hundred, we shall arrive at something like the following result:—

Cr. B. SAWIN, Esq., in account with (BLANK) GLORY. Dr.

By loss of one leg 20 To one 675th three cheers " do. one arm 15 in Faneuil Hall 30 " do. four fingers 5 " do. do. on occasion " do. one eye 10 of presentation of " the breaking of six ribs 6 sword to Colonel Wright 25 " having served under " one suit of grey clothes Colonel Cushing one (ingeniously unbecoming) 15 month 44 " musical entertainments (drum and fife six months) 5 " one dinner after return 1 " chance of pension 1 " privilege of drawing longbow during rest of natural life 23 —— —— E. E. 100 100

It would appear that Mr. Sawin found the actual feast curiously the reverse of the bill of fare advertised in Faneuil Hall and other places. His primary object seems to have been the making of his fortune. Quaerenda pecunia primum, virtus post nummos. He hoisted sail for Eldorado, and shipwrecked on Point Tribulation. Quid non mortalia pectora cogis, auri sacra fames? The speculation has sometimes crossed my mind, in that dreary interval of drought which intervenes between quarterly stipendiary showers, that Providence, by the creation of a money-tree, might have simplified wonderfully the sometimes perplexing problem of human life. We read of bread-trees, the butter for which lies ready-churned in Irish bogs. Milk-trees we are assured of in South America, and stout Sir John Hawkins testifies to water-trees in the Canaries. Boot-trees bear abundantly in Lynn and elsewhere; and I have seen, in the entries of the wealthy, hat-trees with a fair show of fruit. A family-tree I once cultivated myself, and found therefrom but a scanty yield, and that quite tasteless and innutritious. Of trees bearing men we are not without examples; as those in the park of Louis the Eleventh of France. Who has forgotten, moreover, that olive-tree growing in the Athenian's back-garden, with its strange uxorious crop, for the general propagation of which, as of a new and precious variety, the philosopher Diogenes, hitherto uninterested in arboriculture, was so zealous? In the sylva of our own Southern States, the females of my family have called my attention to the china-tree. Not to multiply examples, I will barely add to my list the birch-tree, in the smaller branches of which has been implanted so miraculous a virtue for communicating the Latin and Greek languages, and which may well therefore be classed among the trees producing necessaries of life,—venerabile donum fatalis virgae. That money-trees existed in the golden age there want not prevalent reasons for our believing. For does not the old proverb, when it asserts that money does not grow on every bush, imply a fortiori, that there were certain bushes which did produce it? Again, there is another ancient saw to the effect that money is the root of all evil. From which two adages it may be safe to infer that the aforesaid species of tree first degenerated into a shrub, then absconded underground, and finally, in our iron age, vanished altogether. In favourable exposures it may be conjectured that a specimen or two survived to a great age, as in the garden of the Hesperides; and, indeed, what else could that tree in the Sixth AEneid have been, with a branch whereof the Trojan hero procured admission to a territory, for the entering of which money is a surer passport than to a certain other more profitable (too) foreign kingdom? Whether these speculations of mine have any force in them, or whether they will not rather, by most readers, be deemed impertinent to the matter in hand, is a question which I leave to the determination of an indulgent posterity. That there were, in more primitive and happier times, shops where money was sold,—and that, too, on credit and at a bargain,—I take to be matter of demonstration. For what but a dealer in this article was that AEolus who supplied Ulysses with motive power for his fleet in bags? What that Ericus, king of Sweden, who is said to have kept the winds in his cap? What, in more recent times, those Lapland Nornas who traded in favourable breezes? All which will appear the more clearly when we consider, that, even to this day, raising the wind is proverbial for raising money, and that brokers and banks were invented by the Venetians at a later period.

And now for the improvement of this digression. I find a parallel to Mr. Sawin's fortune in an adventure of my own. For, shortly after I had first broached to myself the before-stated natural-historical and archaeological theories, as I was passing, haec negotia penitus mecum revolvens, through one of the obscure suburbs of our New England metropolis, my eye was attracted by these words upon a sign-board,—CHEAP CASH-STORE. Here was at once the confirmation of my speculations, and the substance of my hopes. Here lingered the fragment of a happier past, or stretched out the first tremulous organic filament of a more fortunate future. Thus glowed the distant Mexico to the eyes of Sawin, as he looked through the dirty pane of the recruiting-office window, or speculated from the summit of that mirage-Pisgah which the imps of the bottle are so cunning in raising up. Already had my Alnaschar-fancy (even during that first half-believing glance) expended in various useful directions the funds to be obtained by pledging the manuscript of a proposed volume of discourses. Already did a clock ornament the tower of the Jaalam meeting-house—a gift appropriately, but modestly, commemorated in the parish and town records, both, for now many years, kept by myself. Already had my son Seneca completed his course at the University. Whether, for the moment, we may not be considered as actually lording it over those Baratarias with the viceroyalty of which Hope invests us, and whether we are ever so warmly housed as in our Spanish castles, would afford matter of argument. Enough that I found that sign-board to be no other than a bait to the trap of a decayed grocer. Nevertheless, I bought a pound of dates (getting short weight by reason of immense flights of harpy flies, who pursued and lighted upon their prey even in the very scales), which purchase I made, not only with an eye to the little ones at home, but also as a figurative reproof of that too-frequent habit of my mind, which, forgetting the due order of chronology, will often persuade me that the happy sceptre of Saturn is stretched over this Astraea-forsaken nineteenth century.

Having glanced at the ledger of Glory under the title Sawin, B., let us extend our investigations, and discover if that instructive volume does not contain some charges more personally interesting to ourselves. I think we should be more economical of our resources, did we thoroughly appreciate the fact, that, whenever Brother Jonathan seems to be thrusting his hand into his own pocket, he is, in fact, picking ours. I confess that the late muck which the country has been running, has materially changed my views as to the best method of raising revenue. If, by means of direct taxation, the bills for every extraordinary outlay were brought under our immediate eye, so that, like thrifty housekeepers, we could see where and how fast the money was going, we should be less likely to commit extravagances. At present, these things are managed in such a hugger-mugger way, that we know not what we pay for; the poor man is charged as much as the rich; and, while we are saving and scrimping at the spigot, the government is drawing off at the bung. If we could know that a part of the money we expend for tea and coffee goes to buy powder and ball, and that it is Mexican blood which makes the clothes on our backs more costly, it would set some of us athinking. During the present fall, I have often pictured to myself a government official entering my study, and handing me the following bill:—

WASHINGTON, Sept. 30, 1848.

REV. HOMER WILBUR to UNCLE SAMUEL, Dr.

To his share of work done in Mexico on partnership account, sundry jobs, as below.

" killing, maiming, and wounding about 5,000 Mexicans $2.00

" slaughtering one woman carrying water to wounded .10

" extra work on two different Sabbaths (one bombardment and one assault) whereby the Mexicans were prevented from defiling themselves with the idolatries of high mass 3.50

" throwing an especially fortunate and Protestant bomb-shell into the Cathedral at Vera Cruz, whereby several female Papists were slain at the altar .50

" his proportion of cash paid for conquered territory 1.75

" do. do. for conquering do. 1.50

" manuring do. with new superior compost called "American Citizen" .50

" extending the area of freedom and Protestantism .01

" glory .01 ——— $9.87

Immediate payment is requested.

N.B. Thankful for former favours, U. S. requests a continuance of patronage. Orders executed with neatness and despatch. Terms as low as those of any other contractor for the same kind and style of work.

I can fancy the official answering my look of horror with,—"Yes, Sir, it looks like a high charge, Sir; but in these days slaughtering is slaughtering." Verily, I would that every one understood that it was; for it goes about obtaining money under the false pretence of being glory. For me, I have an imagination which plays me uncomfortable tricks. It happens to me sometimes to see a slaughterer on his way home from his day's work, and forthwith my imagination puts a cocked-hat upon his head, and epaulettes upon his shoulders, and sets him up as a candidate for the Presidency. So, also, on a recent public occasion, as the place assigned to the "Reverend Clergy" is just behind that of "Officers of the Army and Navy" in processions, it was my fortune to be seated at the dinner-table over against one of these respectable persons. He was arrayed as (out of his own profession) only kings, court-officers, and footmen are in Europe, and Indians in America. Now what does my over-officious imagination but set to work upon him, strip him of his gay livery, and present him to me coatless, his trousers thrust into the tops of a pair of boots thick with clotted blood, and a basket on his arm out of which lolled a gore-smeared axe, thereby destroying my relish for the temporal mercies upon the board before me.—H. W.]



No. IX.

A THIRD LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, ESQ.

[Upon the following letter slender comment will be needful. In what river Selemnus has Mr. Sawin bathed, that he has become so swiftly oblivious of his former loves? From an ardent and (as befits a soldier) confident wooer of that coy bride, the popular favour, we see him subside of a sudden into the (I trust not jilted) Cincinnatus, returning to his plough with a goodly-sized branch of willow in his hand; figuratively returning, however, to a figurative plough, and from no profound affection for that honoured implement of husbandry (for which, indeed, Mr. Sawin never displayed any decided predilection), but in order to be gracefully summoned therefrom to more congenial labours. It would seem that the character of the ancient Dictator had become part of the recognised stock of our modern political comedy, though, as our term of office extends to a quadrennial length, the parallel is not so minutely exact as could be desired. It is sufficiently so, however, for purposes of scenic representation. An humble cottage (if built of logs, the better) forms the Arcadian background of the stage. This rustic paradise is labeled Ashland, Jaalam, North Bend, Marshfield, Kinderhook, or Baton Rouge, as occasion demands. Before the door stands a something with one handle (the other painted in proper perspective), which represents, in happy ideal vagueness, the plough. To this the defeated candidate rushes with delirious joy, welcomed as a father by appropriate groups of happy labourers, or from it the successful one is torn with difficulty, sustained alone by a noble sense of public duty. Only I have observed, that, if the scene be laid at Baton Rouge or Ashland, the labourers are kept carefully in the background, and are heard to shout from behind the scenes in a singular tone, resembling ululation, and accompanied by a sound not unlike vigorous clapping. This, however, may be artistically in keeping with the habits of the rustic population of those localities. The precise connexion between agricultural pursuits and statesmanship I have not been able, after diligent inquiry, to discover. But, that my investigations may not be barren of all fruit, I will mention one curious statistical fact, which I consider thoroughly established, namely, that no real farmer ever attains practically beyond a seat in General Court, however theoretically qualified for more exalted station.

It is probable that some other prospect has been opened to Mr. Sawin, and that he has not made this great sacrifice without some definite understanding in regard to a seat in the cabinet, or a foreign mission. It may be supposed that we of Jaalam were not untouched by a feeling of villatic pride in beholding our townsman occupying so large a space in the public eye. And to me, deeply revolving the qualifications necessary to a candidate in these frugal times, those of Mr. S. seemed peculiarly adapted to a successful campaign. The loss of a leg, an arm, an eye, and four fingers, reduced him so nearly to the condition of a vox et praeterea nihil, that I could think of nothing but the loss of his head by which his chance could have been bettered. But since he has chosen to baulk our suffrages, we must content ourselves with what we can get, remembering lactucas non esse dandas, dum cardui sufficiant.—H. W.]

I spose you recollect thet I explained my gennle views In the last billet thet I writ, 'way down frum Veery Cruze, Jest arter I 'd a kind o' ben spontanously sot up To run unanimously fer the Presidential cup; O' course it worn't no wish o' mine, 't wuz ferfiely distressin', But poppiler enthusiasm gut so almighty pressin' Thet, though like sixty all along I fumed an' fussed an' sorrered, There did n't seem no ways to stop their bringin' on me forrerd: Fact is, they udged the matter so, I could n't help admittin' The Father o' his Country's shoes no feet but mine 'ould fit in, Besides the savin' o' the soles fer ages to succeed, Seein' thet with one wannut foot, a pair 'd be more 'n I need; An', tell ye wut, them shoes 'll want a thund'rin' sight o' patchin', Ef this ere fashion is to last we 've gut into o' hatchin' A pair o' second Washintons fer every new election,— Though, fur ez number one 's consarned, I don't make no objection.

I wuz agoin' on to say thet wen at fust I saw The masses would stick to 't I wuz the Country's father-'n-law (They would ha' hed it Father, but I told 'em 't would n't du, Coz thet wuz sutthin' of a sort they could n't split in tu, An' Washinton hed hed the thing laid fairly to his door, Nor dars n't say 't worn't his'n, much ez sixty year afore), But 't aint no matter ez to thet; wen I wuz nomernated, 'T worn't natur but wut I should feel consid'able elated, An' wile the hooraw o' the thing wuz kind o' noo an' fresh, I thought our ticket would ha' caird the country with a resh.

Sence I 've come hum, though, an' looked round, I think I seem to find Strong argimunts ez thick ez fleas to make me change my mind; It 's clear to any one whose brain ain't fur gone in a phthisis, Thet hail Columby's happy land is goin' thru a crisis, An' 't would n't noways du to hev the people's mind distracted By bein' all to once by sev'ral pop'lar names attackted; 'T would save holl haycartloads o' fuss an' three four months o' jaw, Ef some illustrous paytriot should back out an' withdraw; So, ez I aint a crooked stick, jest like—like ole (I swow, I dunno ez I know his name)—I 'll go back to my plough. Now, 't aint no more 'n is proper 'n' right in sech a sitooation To hint the course you think 'll be the savin' o' the nation; To funk right out o' p'lit'cal strife aint thought to be the thing, Without you deacon off the toon you want your folks should sing; So I edvise the noomrous friends thet 's in one boat with me To jest up killock, jam right down their hellum hard a lee, Haul the sheets taut, an', laying out upon the Suthun tack, Make fer the safest port they can, wich, I think, is Ole Zack.

Next thing you 'll want to know, I spose, wut argimunts I seem To see thet makes me think this ere 'll be the strongest team; Fust place, I've ben consid'ble round in bar-rooms an' saloons Agethrin' public sentiment, 'mongst Demmercrats and Coons, An' 't aint ve'y offen thet I meet a chap but wut goes in Fer Rough an' Ready, fair an' square, hufs, taller, horns, an' skin; I don't deny but wut, fer one, ez fur ez I could see, I didn't like at fust the Pheladelphy nomernee; I could ha' pinted to a man thet wuz, I guess, a peg Higher than him,—a soger, tu, an' with a wooden leg; But every day with more an' more o' Taylor zeal I 'm burnin', Seein' wich way the tide thet sets to office is aturnin'; Wy, into Bellers's we notched the votes down on three sticks,— 'T wuz Birdofredum one, Cass aught, an' Taylor twenty-six, An', bein' the on'y canderdate thet wuz upon the ground, They said 't wuz no more 'n right thet I should pay the drinks all round; Ef I 'd expected sech a trick, I would n't ha' cut my foot By goin' an' votin' fer myself like a consumed coot; It did n't make no diff'rence, though; I wish I may be cust, Ef Bellers wuz n't slim enough to say he would n't trust!

Another pint thet influences the minds o' sober jedges Is thet the Gin'ral hez n't gut tied hand an' foot with pledges; He hez n't told ye wut he is, an' so there aint no knowin' But wut he may turn out to be the best there is agoin'; This, at the on'y spot thet pinched, the shoe directly eases, Coz every one is free to 'xpect percisely wut he pleases: I want free-trade; you don't; the Gin'ral is n't bound to neither;— I vote my way; you, yourn; an' both air sooted to a T there. Ole Rough an' Ready, tu, 's a Wig, but without bein' ultry (He 's like a holsome hayinday, thet 's warm, but is n't sultry); He 's jest wut I should call myself, a kin' o' scratch, ez 't ware, Thet aint exacly all a wig nor wholly your own hair; I 've ben a Wig three weeks myself, jest o' this mod'rate sort, An' don't find them an' Demmercrats so different ez I thought; They both act pooty much alike, an' push an' scrouge an' cus; They 're like two pickpockets in league fer Uncle Samwell's pus; Each takes a side, an' then they squeeze the old man in between 'em, Turn all his pockets wrong side out an' quick ez lightnin' clean 'em; To nary one on 'em I 'd trust a secon'-handed rail No furder off 'an I could sling a bullock by the tail. Webster sot matters right in that air Mashfiel' speech o' his'n;— "Taylor," sez he, "aint nary ways the one thet I 'd a chizzen, Nor he ain't fittin' fer the place, an' like ez not he aint No more 'n a tough ole bullethead, an' no gret of a saint; But then," sez he, "obsarve my pint, he's jest ez good to vote fer Ez though the greasin' on him worn't a thing to hire Choate fer; Aint it ez easy done to drop a ballot in a box Fer one ez 't is fer t' other, fer the bulldog ez the fox?" It takes a mind like Dannel's, fact, ez big ez all ou' doors, To find out thet it looks like rain arter it fairly pours; I 'gree with him, it aint so dreffle troublesome to vote Fer Taylor arter all,—it 's jest to go an' change your coat; Wen he's once greased, you 'll swaller him an' never know on't, source, Unless he scratches, goin' down, with them air Gin'ral's spurs. I 've ben a votin' Demmercrat, ez reg'lar ez a clock, But don't find goin' Taylor gives my narves no gret 'f a shock; Truth is, the cutest leadin' Wigs, ever sence fust they found Wich side the bread gut buttered on, hev kep' a edgin' round; They kin' o' slipt the planks frum out th' ole platform one by one An' made it gradooally noo, 'fore folks know'd wut wuz done, Till, fur 'z I know, there aint an inch thet I could lay my han' on, But I, or any Demmercrat, feels comf'table to stan' on, An' ole Wig doctrines act'lly look, their occ'pants bein' gone, Lonesome ez staddles on a mash without no hay-ricks on.

I spose it 's time now I should give my thoughts upon the plan, Thet chipped the shell at Buffalo, o' settin' up ole Van. I used to vote fer Martin, but, I swan, I 'm clean disgusted,— He aint the man thet I can say is fittin' to be trusted; He aint half antislav'ry 'nough, nor I aint sure, ez some be, He 'd go in fer abolishin' the Deestrick o' Columby; An', now I come to recollect, it kin' o' makes me sick 'z A horse, to think o' wut he wuz in eighteen thirty-six. An' then, another thing;—I guess, though mebby I am wrong, This Buff'lo plaster aint agoin' to dror almighty strong; Some folks, I know, hev gut th' idee thet No'thun dough 'll rise, Though, 'fore I see it riz an' baked, I would n't trust my eyes; 'T will take more emptins, a long chalk, than this noo party 's gut, To give sech heavy cakes ez them a start, I tell ye wut. But even ef they caird the day, there would n't be no endurin' To stand upon a platform with sech critters ez Van Buren;— An' his son John, tu, I can't think how thet air chap should dare To speak ez he doos; wy, they say he used to cuss an' swear! I spose he never read the hymn thet tells how down the stairs A feller with long legs wuz throwed thet would n't say his prayers.

This brings me to another pint: the leaders o' the party Aint jest sech men ez I can act along with free an' hearty; They aint not quite respectable, an' wen a feller's morrils Don't toe the straightest kin' o' mark, wy, him an' me jest quarrils. I went to a free soil meetin' once, an' wut d' ye think I see? A feller wuz aspoutin' there thet act'lly come to me, About two year ago last spring, ez nigh ez I can jedge, An' axed me ef I didn't want to sign the Temprunce pledge! He 's one o' them thet goes about an' sez you hed n't ough' to Drink nothin', mornin', noon, or night, stronger 'an Taunton water. There 's one rule I 've ben guided by, in settlin' how to vote, ollers,— I take the side thet is n't took by them consarned tee-totallers.

Ez fer the niggers, I 've been South, an' thet hez changed my mind; A lazier, more ungrateful set you could n't nowers find. You know I mentioned in my last thet I should buy a nigger, Ef I could make a purchase at a pooty mod'rate figger; So, ez there 's nothin' in the world I 'm fonder of 'an gunnin', I closed a bargin finally to take a feller runnin'. I shou'dered queen's-arm an' stumped out, an' wen I come t' th' swamp, 'T worn't very long afore I gut upon the nest o' Pomp; I come acrost a kin' o' hut, an', playin' round the door, Some little woolly-headed cubs, ez many 'z six or more. At fust I thought o' firin', but think twice is safest ollers; There aint, thinks I, not one on em' but 's wuth his twenty dollars, Or would be, ef I hed 'em back into a Christian land,— How temptin' all on 'em would look upon an auction-stand! (Not but wut I hate Slavery in th' abstract, stem to starn,— I leave it ware our fathers did, a privit State consarn.) Soon 'z they see me, they yelled an' run, but Pomp wuz out ahoein' A leetle patch o' corn he hed, or else there aint no knowin' He would n't ha' took a pop at me; but I hed gut the start, An' wen he looked, I vow he groaned ez though he'd broke his heart; He done it like a wite man, tu, ez nat'ral ez a pictur, The imp'dunt, pis'nous hypocrite! wus 'an a boy constrictur. "You can 't gum me, I tell ye now, an' so you need n't try, I 'xpect my eye-teeth every mail, so jest shet up," sez I. "Don't go to actin' ugly now, or else I 'll jest let strip, You 'd best draw kindly, seein' 'z how I 've gut ye on the hip; Besides, you darned ole fool, it aint no gret of a disaster To be benev'lently druv back to a contented master, Ware you hed Christian priv'ledges you don't seem quite aware of, Or you 'd ha' never run away from bein' well took care of; Ez fer kin' treatment, wy, he wuz so fond on ye, he said He 'd give a fifty spot right out, to git ye, 'live or dead; Wite folks aint sot by half ez much; 'member I run away, Wen I wuz bound to Cap'n Jakes, to Mattysqumscot bay; Don' know him, likely? Spose not; wal, the mean ole codger went An' offered—wut reward, think? Wal, it worn't no less 'n a cent."

Wal, I jest gut 'em into line, an druv 'em on afore me, The pis'nous brutes, I 'd no idee o' the ill-will they bore me; We walked till som'ers about noon, an' then it grew so hot I thought it best to camp awile, so I chose out a spot Jest under a magnoly tree, an' there right down I sot; Then I unstrapped my wooden leg, coz it begun to chafe, An' laid it down jest by my side, supposin' all wuz safe; I made my darkies all set down around me in a ring, An' sot an' kin' o' ciphered up how much the lot would bring; But, wile I drinked the peaceful cup of a pure heart an' mind (Mixed with some wiskey, now an' then), Pomp he snaked up behind, An', creepin' grad'lly close tu, ez quiet ez a mink, Jest grabbed my leg, and then pulled foot, quicker 'an you could wink, An', come to look, they each on 'em hed gut behin' a tree, An' Pomp poked out the leg a piece, jest so ez I could see, An' yelled to me to throw away my pistils an' my gun, Or else thet they 'd cair off the leg an' fairly cut the run. I vow I did n't b'lieve there wuz a decent alligatur Thet hed a heart so destitoot o' common human natur; However, ez there worn't no help, I finally gev in An' heft my arms away to git my leg safe back agin. Pomp gethered all the weapins up, an' then he come an' grinned, He showed his ivory some, I guess, an' sez, "You 're fairly pinned; Jest buckle on your leg agin, an' git right up an' come, 'T wun't du fer fammerly men like me to be so long from hum." At fust I put my foot right down an' swore I would n't budge. "Jest ez you choose," sez he, quite cool, "either be shot or trudge." So this black-hearted monster took an' act'lly druv me back Along the very feetmarks o' my happy mornin' track, An' kep' me pris'ner 'bout six months, an' worked me, tu, like sin, Till I bed gut his corn an' his Carliny taters in; He made me larn him readin', tu (although the crittur saw How much it hurt my morril sense to act agin the law), So 'st he could read a Bible he 'd gut; an' axed ef I could pint The North Star out; but there I put his nose some out o' jint, Fer I weeled roun' about sou'west, an', lookin' up a bit, Picked out a middlin' shiny one an' tole him thet wuz it. Fin'lly, he took me to the door, an', givin' me a kick, Sez,—"Ef you know wut 's best fer ye, be off, now, double-quick; The winter-time 's a comin' on, an', though I gut ye cheap, You 're so darned lazy, I don't think you 're hardly wuth your keep; Besides, the childrin's growin' up, an' you aint jest the model I 'd like to hev 'em immertate, an' so you 'd better toddle!"

Now is there any thin' on airth 'll ever prove to me Thet renegader slaves like him air fit fer bein' free? D' you think they 'll suck me in to jine the Buff'lo chaps, an' them Rank infidels thet go agin the Scriptur'l cus o' Shem? Not by a jugfull! sooner 'n thet, I 'd go thru fire an' water; Wen I hev once made up my mind, a meet'nhus aint sotter; No, not though all the crows thet flies to pick my bones wuz cawin',— I guess we 're in a Christian land,—

Yourn,

BIRDOFREDUM SAWIN.

[Here, patient reader, we take leave of each other, I trust with some mutual satisfaction. I say patient, for I love not that kind which skims dippingly over the surface of the page, as swallows over a pool before rain. By such no pearls shall be gathered. But if no pearls there be (as, indeed, the world is not without example of books wherefrom the longest-winded diver shall bring up no more than his proper handful of mud), yet let us hope that an oyster or two may reward adequate perseverance. If neither pearls nor oysters, yet is patience itself a gem worth diving deeply for.

It may seem to some that too much space has been usurped by my own private lucubrations, and some may be fain to bring against me that old jest of him who preached all his hearers out of the meeting-house save only the sexton, who, remaining for yet a little space, from a sense of official duty, at last gave out also, and, presenting the keys, humbly requested our preacher to lock the doors, when he should have wholly relieved himself of his testimony. I confess to a satisfaction in the self act of preaching, nor do I esteem a discourse to be wholly thrown away even upon a sleeping or unintelligent auditory. I cannot easily believe that the Gospel of St. John, which Jacques Cartier ordered to be read in the Latin tongue to the Canadian savages, upon his first meeting with them, fell altogether upon stony ground. For the earnestness of the preacher is a sermon appreciable by dullest intellects and most alien ears. In this wise did Episcopius convert many to his opinions, who yet understood not the language in which he discoursed. The chief thing is, that the messenger believe that he has an authentic message to deliver. For counterfeit messengers that mode of treatment which Father John de Plano Carpini relates to have prevailed among the Tartars would seem effectual, and, perhaps, deserved enough. For my own part, I may lay claim to so much of the spirit of martyrdom as would have led me to go into banishment with those clergymen whom Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal drave out of his kingdom for refusing to shorten their pulpit eloquence. It is possible, that, having been invited into my brother Biglow's desk, I may have been too little scrupulous in using it for the venting of my own peculiar doctrines to a congregation drawn together in the expectation and with the desire of hearing him.

I am not wholly unconscious of a peculiarity of mental organization which impels me, like the railroad-engine with its train of cars, to run backward for a short distance in order to obtain a fairer start. I may compare myself to one fishing from the rocks when the sea runs high, who, misinterpreting the suction of the undertow for the biting of some larger fish, jerks suddenly, and finds that he has caught bottom, hauling in upon the end of his line a trail of various algae, among which, nevertheless, the naturalist may haply find somewhat to repay the disappointment of the angler. Yet have I conscientiously endeavoured to adapt myself to the impatient temper of the age, daily degenerating more and more from the high standard of our pristine New England. To the catalogue of lost arts I would mournfully add also that of listening to two-hour sermons. Surely we have been abridged into a race of pigmies. For, truly, in those of the old discourses yet subsisting to us in print, the endless spinal column of divisions and subdivisions can be likened to nothing so exactly as to the vertebrae of the saurians, whence the theorist may conjecture a race of Anakim proportionate to the withstanding of these other monsters. I say Anakim rather than Nephelim, because there seem reasons for supposing that the race of those whose heads (though no giants) are constantly enveloped in clouds (which that name imports) will never become extinct. The attempt to vanquish the innumerable heads of one of those aforementioned discourses may supply us with a plausible interpretation of the second labour of Hercules, and his successful experiment with fire affords us a useful precedent.

But while I lament the degeneracy of the age in this regard, I cannot refuse to succumb to its influence. Looking out through my study-window, I see Mr. Biglow at a distance busy in gathering his Baldwins, of which, to judge by the number of barrels lying about under the trees, his crop is more abundant than my own,—by which sight I am admonished to turn to those orchards of the mind wherein my labours may be more prospered, and apply myself diligently to the preparation of my next Sabbath's discourse.—H. W.]



GLOSSARY.

A.

Act'lly, actually.

Air, are.

Airth, earth.

Airy, area.

Aree, area.

Arter, after.

Ax, ask.

B.

Beller, bellow.

Bellowses, lunge.

Ben, been.

Bile, boil.

Bimeby, by and by.

Blurt out, to speak bluntly.

Bust, burst.

Buster, a roistering blade; used also as a general superlative.

C.

Caird, carried.

Cairn, carrying.

Caleb, a turncoat.

Cal'late, calculate.

Cass, a person with two lives.

Close, clothes.

Cockerel, a young cock.

Cocktail, a kind of drink; also, an ornament peculiar to soldiers.

Convention, a place where people are imposed on; a juggler's show.

Coons, a cant term for a now defunct party; derived, perhaps, from the fact of their being commonly up a tree.

Cornwallis, a sort of muster in masquerade; supposed to have had its origin soon after the Revolution, and to commemorate the surrender of Lord Cornwallis. It took the place of the old Guy Fawkes procession.

Crooked stick, a perverse, froward person.

Cunnle, a colonel.

Cus, a curse; also, a pitiful fellow.

D.

Darsn't, used indiscriminately, either in singular or plural number, for dare not, dares not, and dared not.

Deacon off, to give the cue to; derived from a custom, once universal, but now extinct, in our New England Congregational churches. An important part of the office of deacon was to read aloud the hymns given out by the minister, one line at a time, the congregation singing each line as soon as read.

Demmercrat, leadin', one in favour of extending slavery; a free-trade lecturer maintained in the custom-house.

Desput, desperate.

Doos, does.

Doughface, a contented lick-spittle; a common variety of Northern politician.

Dror, draw.

Du, do.

Dunno, dno, do not or does not know.

Dut, dirt.

E.

Eend, end.

Ef, if.

Emptins, yeast.

Env'y, envoy.

Everlasting, an intensive, without reference to duration.

Ev'y, every.

Ez, as.

F.

Fer, for.

Ferfle, ferful, fearful; also an intensive.

Fin', find.

Fish-skin, used in New England to clarify coffee.

Fix, a difficulty, a nonplus.

Foller, folly, to follow.

Forrerd, forward.

Frum, from.

Fur, far.

Furder, farther.

Furrer, furrow. Metaphorically, to draw a straight furrow is to live uprightly or decorously.

Fust, first.

G.

Gin, gave.

Git, get.

Gret, great.

Grit, spirit, energy, pluck.

Grout, to sulk.

Grouty, crabbed, surly.

Gum, to impose on.

Gump, a foolish fellow, a dullard.

Gut, got.

H.

Hed, had.

Heern, heard.

Hellum, helm.

Hendy, handy.

Het, heated.

Hev, have.

Hez, has.

Holl, whole.

Holt, hold.

Huf, hoof.

Hull, whole.

Hum, home.

Humbug, General Taylor's antislavery.

Hut, hurt.

I.

Idno, I do not know.

In'my, enemy.

Insines, ensigns; used to designate both the officer who carries the standard, and the standard itself.

Inter, intu, into.

J.

Jedge, judge.

Jest, just.

Jine, join.

Jint, joint.

Junk, a fragment of any solid substance.

K.

Keer, care.

Kep, kept.

Killock, a small anchor.

Kin', kin' o', kinder, kind, kind of.

L.

Lawth, loath.

Let day-light into, to shoot.

Let on, to hint, to confess, to own.

Lick, to beat, to overcome.

Lights, the bowels.

Lily-pads, leaves of the water-lily.

Long-sweetening, molasses.

Loon, the northern diver.

M.

Mash, marsh.

Mean, stingy, ill-natured.

Min', mind.

N.

Ned, a slang phrase, going it like Ned, equivalent to our 'going like old Harry.'

Nimepunce, ninepence, twelve and a half cents.

Nowers, nowhere.

O.

Offen, often.

Ole, old.

Ollers, olluz, always.

On, of; used before it or them, or at the end of a sentence, as on 't, on 'em, nut ez ever I heerd on.

On'y, only.

Ossifer, officer (seldom heard).

P.

Peaked, pointed.

Peek, to peep.

Pickerel, the pike, a fish.

Pint, point.

Pocket full of rocks, plenty of money.

Pooty, pretty.

Pop'ler, conceited, popular.

Pus, purse.

Put out, troubled, vexed.

Q.

Quarter, a quarter-dollar.

Queen's arm, a musket.

R.

Resh, rush.

Revelee, the reveille.

Rile, to trouble.

Riled, angry; disturbed, as the sediment in any liquid.

Riz, risen.

Row, a long row to hoe, a difficult task.

Rugged, robust.

Row-de-dow, troublesome talk.

S.

Sarse, abuse, impertinence.

Sartin, certain.

Saxon, sacristan, sexton.

Scaliest, worst.

Scringe, cringe.

Scrouge, to crowd.

Sech, such.

Set by, valued.

Shakes, great, of considerable consequence.

Shappoes, chapeaux, cocked-hats.

Sheer, share.

Shet, shut.

Shine, a fancy or liking, also written shindy.

Shut, shirt.

Skeered, scared.

Skeeter, mosquito.

Skooting, running or moving swiftly.

Slarterin', slaughtering.

Slim, contemptible.

Snaked, crawled like a snake; but to snake any one out, is to track him to his hiding-place; to snake a thing out is to snatch it out.

Soffies, sofas.

Sogerin', soldiering; a barbarous amusement common among men in the savage state.

Som'ers, somewhere.

So 'st, so as that.

Sot, set, obstinate, resolute.

Spiles, spoils; objects of political ambition.

Spry, active.

Staddles, stout stakes driven into the salt marshes, on which the hay-ricks are set, and thus raised out of the reach of high tides.

Streaked, uncomfortable, discomfited.

Suckle, circle.

Sutthin', something.

Suttin, certain.

Swan, to swear.

T.

Take on, to sorrow.

Talents, talons.

Taters, potatoes.

Tell, till.

Tetch, touch.

Tetch tu, to be able; used always after a negative in this sense.

Tollable, tolerable.

Toot, used derisively for playing on any wind instrument.

Thru, through.

Thundering, a euphemism common in New England, for the profane English expression devilish. Perhaps derived from the belief, common formerly, that thunder was caused by the Prince of the Air, for some of whose accomplishments consult Cotton Mather.

Tu, to, too; commonly has this sound when used emphatically, or at the end of a sentence. At other times it has the sound of t in tough, as Ware ye goin' tu? Goin' ta Boston.

U.

Ugly, ill-tempered, intractable.

Uncle Sam, United States; the largest boaster of liberty and owner of slaves.

Unrizzest, applied to dough or bread; heavy, most unrisen, or most incapable of rising.

V

V spot, a five-dollar bill.

Vally, value.

W.

Wake snakes, to get into trouble.

Wal, well; spoken with great deliberation, and sometimes with the a very much flattened, sometimes (but more seldom) very much broadened.

Wannut, walnut (hickory).

Ware, where.

Ware, were.

Whopper, an uncommonly large lie; as, that General Taylor is in favour of the Wilmot Proviso.

Wig, Whig; a party now dissolved.

Wiz, to whiz; go off (like a rocket).

Wunt, will not.

Wus, worse.

Wut, what.

Wuth, worth; as, Antislavery perfessions 'fore 'lection aint wuth a Bungtown copper.

Wuz, was, sometimes were.

Y.

Yaller, yellow.

Yeller, yellow.

Yellers, a disease of peach-trees.

Z.

Zach, Ole, a second Washington, an antislavery slaveholder, a humane buyer and seller of men and women, a Christian hero generally.



INDEX.

A. B., information wanted concerning, 76.

Adam, eldest son of, respected, 10.

AEneas goes to hell, 101.

AEolus, a seller of money, as is supposed by some, 101.

AEschylus, a saying of, 51, note.

Alligator, a decent one conjectured to be, in some sort, humane, 120.

Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal, tyrannical act of, 120.

Ambrose, Saint, excellent (but rationalistic) sentiment of, 35.

"American Citizen," new compost so called, 104.

American Eagle, a source of inspiration, 45 —hitherto wrongly classed, 51 —long bill of, 51.

Amos, cited, 34.

Anakim, that they formerly existed, shown, 124.

Angels, providentially speak French, 23 —conjectured to be skilled in all tongues, ib.

Anglo-Saxondom, its idea, what, 21.

Anglo-Saxon mask, 21.

Anglo-Saxon race, 16.

Anglo-Saxon verse, by whom carried to perfection, 11.

Antonius, a speech of, 40 —by whom best reported, ib.

Apocalypse, beast in, magnetic to theologians, 83.

Apollo, confessed mortal by his own oracle, 83.

Apollyon, his tragedies popular, 72.

Appian, an Alexandrian, not equal to Shakspeare as an orator, 40.

Ararat, ignorance of foreign tongues is an, 53.

Arcadian background, 106.

Aristophanes, 34.

Arms, profession of, once esteemed especially that of gentlemen, 10.

Arnold, 42.

Ashland, 106.

Astor, Jacob, a rich man, 91.

Astraea, nineteenth century forsaken by, 102.

Athenians, ancient, an institution of, 41.

Atherton, Senator, envies the loon, 60.

Austin, St., profane wish of, 43, note.

Aye-Aye, the, an African animal, America supposed to be settled by, 25.

Babel, probably the first Congress, 53 —a gabble-mill, ib.

Baby, a low-priced one, 98.

Bagowind, Hon. Mr., whether to be damned, 63.

Baldwin apples, 125.

Baratarias, real or imaginary, which most pleasant, 102.

Barnum, a great natural curiosity recommended to, 49.

Barrels, an inference from seeing, 125.

Baton Rouge, 106 —strange peculiarities of labourers at, 107.

Baxter, R., a saying of, 35.

Bay, Mattysqumscot, 119.

Bay State, singular effect produced on military officers by leaving it, 21.

Beast in Apocalypse, a loadstone, for whom, 83.

Beelzebub, his rigadoon, 61.

Behmen, his letters not letters, 76.

Bellers, a saloon-keeper, 111 —inhumanly refuses credit to a presidential candidate, 112.

Biglow, Ezekiel, his letter to Hon. J. T. Buckingham, 1 —never heard of any one named Mundishes, 2 —nearly four-score years old, ib. —his aunt Keziah, a notable saying of, 3.

Biglow, Hosea, excited by composition, 2 —a poem by, 3, 66 —his opinion of war, 4 —wanted at home by Nancy, 7 —recommends a forcible enlistment of warlike editors, ib. —would not wonder, if generally agreed with, 9 —versifies letter of Mr. Sawin, 11 —a letter from, 12, 57, 77 —his opinion of Mr. Sawin, 12 —does not deny fun at Cornwallis, 14, note —his idea of militia glory, 17, note —a pun of, 18, note —is uncertain in regard to people of Boston, ib. —had never heard of Mr. John P. Robinson, 27 —aliquid sufflaminandus, 28 —his poems attributed to a Mr. Lowell, 33 —is unskilled in Latin, ib. —his poetry maligned by some, 34 —his disinterestedness, ib. —his deep share in commonweal, ib. —his claim to the presidency, ib. —his mowing, ib. —resents being called Whig, 35 —opposed to tariff, ib. —obstinate, ib. —infected with peculiar notions, ib. —reports a speech, 40 —emulates historians of antiquity, ib. —his character sketched from a hostile point of view, 52 —a request of his complied with, 64 —appointed at a public meeting in Jaalam, 77 —confesses ignorance, in one minute particular, of propriety, ib. —his opinion of cocked hats, ib. —letter to, ib. —called "Dear Sir," by a general, ib. —probably receives same compliment from two hundred and nine, ib. —picks his apples, 125 —his crop of Baldwins conjecturally large, ib.

Billings, Dea. Cephas, 14.

Birch, virtue of, in instilling certain of the dead languages, 100.

Bird of our country sings hosanna, 16.

Blind, to go it, 98.

Blitz pulls ribbons from his mouth, 16.

Bluenose potatoes, smell of, eagerly desired, 17.

Bobtail obtains a cardinal's hat, 25.

Bolles, Mr. Secondary, author of prize peace essay, 15 —presents sword to Lieutenant Colonel, ib. —a fluent orator, ib. —found to be in error, 17.

Bonaparte, N., a usurper, 83.

Boot-trees, productive, where, 100.

Boston, people of, supposed educated, 18, note.

Brahmins, navel-contemplating, 74.

Bread-trees, 100.

Brigadier-Generals in militia, devotion of, 38.

Brown, Mr., engages in an unequal contest, 63.

Browne, Sir T., a pious and wise sentiment of, cited and commended, 11.

Buckingham, Hon. J. T., editor of the Boston Courier, letters to, 1, 12, 33, 57 —not afraid, 13.

Buffalo, a plan hatched there, 115 —plaster, a prophecy in regard to, ib.

Buncombe, in the other world supposed, 41.

Bung, the eternal, thought to be loose, 7.

Bungtown Fencibles, dinner of, 26.

Butter in Irish bogs, 100.

C., General, commended for parts, 29 —for ubiquity, ib. —for consistency, ib. —for fidelity, ib. —is in favour of war, ib. —his curious valuation of principle, ib.

Caesar, tribute to, 66 —his veni, vidi, vici, censured for undue prolixity, 85.

Cainites, sect of, supposed still extant, 10.

Caleb, a monopoly of his denied, 15 —curious notions of, as to meaning of "shelter," 19 —his definition of Anglo-Saxon, 20 —charges Mexicans (not with bayonets, but) with improprieties, ib.

Calhoun, Hon. J. C., his cow-bell curfew, light of the nineteenth century to be extinguished at sound of, 55 —cannot let go apron-string of the Past, ib. —his unsuccessful tilt at Spirit of the Age, 56 —the Sir Kay of modern chivalry, ib. —his anchor made of a crooked pin, 57 —mentioned, 58-61.

Cambridge Platform, use discovered for, 24.

Canary Islands, 100.

Candidate, presidential, letter from, 74 —smells a rat, 78 —against a bank, 79 —takes a revolving position, ib. —opinion of pledges, 80 —is a periwig, ib. —fronts south by north, 81 —qualifications of, lessening, 85 —wooden leg (and head) useful to, 96.

Cape Cod clergymen, what, 24 —Sabbath-breakers, perhaps, reproved by, ib.

Carpini, Father John de Plano, among the Tartars, 123.

Cartier, Jacques, commendable zeal of, 123.

Cass, General, 59 —clearness of his merit, 60 —limited popularity at "Bellers's," 111.

Castles, Spanish, comfortable accommodations in, 102.

Cato, letters of, so called, suspended naso adunco, 76.

C. D., friends of, can hear of him, 76.

Chalk egg, we are proud of incubation of, 75.

Chappelow on Job, a copy of, lost, 65.

Cherubusco, news of, its effects on English royalty, 50.

Chesterfield no letter-writer, 76.

Chief Magistrate, dancing esteemed sinful by, 24.

Children naturally speak Hebrew, 11.

China-tree, 100.

Chinese, whether they invented gunpowder before the Christian era, not considered, 25.

Choate hired, 113.

Christ shuffled into Apocrypha, 25 —conjectured to disapprove of slaughter and pillage, 30 —condemns a certain piece of barbarism, 63.

Christianity, profession of, plebian, whether, 10.

Christian soldiers, perhaps inconsistent, whether, 38.

Cicero, an opinion of, disputed, 84.

Cilley, Ensign, author of nefarious sentiment, 26.

Cimex lectularius, 18.

Cincinnatus, a stock character in modern comedy, 106.

Civilization, progress of, an alias, 65 —rides upon a powder-cart, 79.

Clergymen, their ill husbandry, 64 —their place in processions, 105 —some, cruelly banished for the soundness of their lungs, 123.

Cocked-hat, advantages of being knocked into, 77.

College of Cardinals, a strange one, 25.

Colman, Dr. Benjamin, anecdote of, 38.

Coloured folks, curious national diversion of kicking, 19.

Colquitt, a remark of, 60 —acquainted with some principles of aerostation, ib.

Columbia, District of, its peculiar climatic effects, 44 —not certain that Martin is for abolishing it, 115.

Columbus, a Paul Pry of genius, 74.

Columby, 109.

Complete Letter-Writer, fatal gift of, 82.

Compostella, St. James of, seen, 22.

Congress, singular consequence of getting into, 43.

Congressional debates, found instructive, 53.

Constituents, useful for what, 44.

Constitution trampled on, 58 —to stand upon, what, 78.

Convention, what, 44.

Convention, Springfield, 44.

Coon, old, pleasure in skinning, 59.

Coppers, caste in picking up of, 94.

Copres, a monk, his excellent method of arguing, 54.

Cornwallis, a, 14 —acknowledged entertaining, ib., note.

Cotton Mather, summoned as witness, 23.

Country lawyers, sent providentially, 31.

Country, our, its boundaries more exactly defined, 32 —right or wrong, nonsense about exposed, ib.

Courier, The Boston, an unsafe print, 52.

Court, General, farmers sometimes attain seats in, 107.

Cowper, W., his letters commended, 76.

Creed, a safe kind of, 97.

Crusade, first American, 23.

Cuneiform script recommended, 85.

Curiosity distinguishes man from brutes, 74.

Davis, Mr., of Mississippi, a remark of his, 59.

Day and Martin, proverbially "on hand," 2.

Death, rings down curtain, 72.

Delphi, oracle of, surpassed, 51, note —alluded to, 83.

Destiny, her account, 49.

Devil, the, unskilled in certain Indian tongues, 23.

Dey of Tripoli, 55.

Diaz, Bernal, has a vision, 22 —his relationship to the Scarlet Woman, ib.

Didymus, a somewhat voluminous grammarian, 83.

Dighton rock character might be usefully employed in some emergencies, 84.

Dimitry Bruisgins, fresh supply of, 73.

Diogenes, his zeal for propagating certain variety of olive, 100.

Dioscuri, imps of the pit, 23.

District-Attorney, contemptible conduct of one, 55.

Ditchwater on brain, a too common ailing, 54.

Doctor, the, a proverbial saying of, 22.

Doughface, yeast-proof, 69.

Drayton, a martyr, 55 —north star, culpable for aiding, whether, 62.

Earth, Dame, a peep at her housekeeping, 56.

Eating words, habit of, convenient in time of famine, 49.

Eavesdroppers, 74.

Editor, his position, 64 —commanding pulpit of, ib. —large congregation of, ib. —name derived from what, 66 —fondness for mutton, ib. —a pious one, his creed, ib. —a showman, 71 —in danger of sudden arrest, without bail, 72.

Editors, certain ones who crow like cockerels, 7.

Egyptian darkness, phial of, use for, 84.

Eldorado, Mr. Sawin sets sail for, 100.

Elizabeth, Queen, mistake of her ambassador, 41.

Empedocles, 74.

Employment, regular, a good thing, 93.

Epaulets, perhaps no badge of saint-ship, 30.

Episcopius, his marvellous oratory, 123.

Eric, king of Sweden, his cap, 101.

Evangelists, iron ones, 24.

Eyelids, a divine shield against authors, 54.

Ezekiel, text taken from, 64.

Factory-girls, expected rebellion of, 60.

Family-trees, fruit of jejune, 100.

Faneuil Hall, a place where persons tap themselves for a species of hydrocephalus, 54 —a bill of fare mendaciously advertised in, 100.

Father of country, his shoes, 108.

Female Papists, cut off in midst of idolatry, 104.

Fire, we all like to play with it, 56.

Fish, emblematic, but disregarded, where, 54.

Flam, President, untrustworthy, 45.

Fly-leaves, providential increase of, 54.

Foote, Mr., his taste for field-sports, 58.

Fourier, a squinting toward, 52.

Fourth of Julys, boiling, 42.

France, a strange dance begun in, 61.

Fuller, Dr. Thomas, a wise saying of, 28.

Funnel, Old, hurraing in, 15.

Gawain, Sir, his amusements, 56.

Gay, S. H., Esquire, editor of National Antislavery Standard, letter to, 74.

Getting up early, 4, 20.

Ghosts, some, presumed fidgety, (but see Stilling's Pneumatology,) 75.

Giants formerly stupid, 56.

Gift of Tongues, distressing case of, 53.

Globe Theatre, cheap season-ticket to, 72.

Glory, a perquisite of officers, 94 —her account with B. Sawin, Esq., 99.

Goatsnose, the celebrated interview, with, 84.

Gray's letters are letters, 76.

Great horn spoon, sworn by, 58.

Greeks, ancient, whether they questioned candidates, 84.

Green Man, sign of, 35.

Ham, sandwich, an orthodox (but peculiar) one, 62.

Hamlets, machine for making, 87.

Hammon, 51, note, 83.

Hannegan, Mr., something said by, 59.

Harrison, General, how preserved, 82.

Hat-trees, in full bearing, 100.

Hawkins, Sir John, stout, something he saw, 100.

Henry the Fourth, of England, a Parliament of, how named, 41.

Hercules, his second labour probably what, 124.

Herodotus, story from, 11.

Hesperides, an inference from, 100.

Holden, Mr. Shearjashub, Preceptor of Jaalam Academy, 83 —his knowledge of Greek limited, ib. —a heresy of his, ib. —leaves a fund to propagate it, 84.

Hollis, Ezra, goes to a Cornwallis, 14.

Hollow, why men providentially so constructed, 42.

Homer, a phrase of, cited, 65.

Horners, democratic ones, plums left for, 46.

Howell, James, Esq. story told by, 41 —letters of, commended, 76.

Human rights out of order on the floor of Congress, 58.

Humbug, ascription of praise to, 70 —generally believed in, ib.

Husbandry, instance of bad, 28.

Icarius, Penelope's father, 32.

Infants, prattlings of, curious observation concerning, 11.

Information wanted (universally, but especially at page), 76.

Jaalam Centre, Anglo-Saxons unjustly suspected by the young ladies there, 21 —"Independent Blunderbuss," strange conduct of editor of, 64 —public meeting at, 77.

Jaalam Point, light-house on charge of prospectively offered to Mr. H. Biglow, 81 —meeting-house ornamented with imaginary clock, 102.

Jakes, Captain, 119 —reproved for avarice, ib.

James the Fourth of Scots, experiment by, 11.

Jarnagin, Mr., his opinion of the completeness of Northern education, 60.

Jerome, Saint, his list of sacred writers, 76.

Job, Book of, 10 —Chappelow on, 65.

Johnson, Mr., communicates some intelligence, 61.

Jonah, the inevitable destiny of, 62 —probably studied internal economy of the cetacea, 75.

Jortin, Dr., cited 39, 51, note.

Judea, everything not known there, 31.

Juvenal, a saying of, 50, note.

Kay, Sir, the, of modern chivalry, who, 56.

Key, brazen one, 55.

Keziah, Aunt, profound observation of, 3.

Kinderhook, 106.

Kingdom Come, march to, easy, 89.

Koenigsmark, Count, 10.

Lamb, Charles, his epistolary excellence, 76.

Latimer, Bishop, episcopizes Satan, 10.

Latin tongue, curious information concerning, 33.

Launcelot, Sir, a trusser of giants formerly, perhaps would find less sport therein now, 56.

Letters classed, 76 —their shape, ib. —of candidates, 81 —often fatal, 82.

Lewis Philip, a scourger of young native Americans, 50 —commiserated (though not deserving it,) 51, note.

Liberator, a newspaper, condemned by implication, 35.

Liberty unwholesome for men of certain complexions, 66.

Lignum vitae, a gift of this valuable wood proposed, 22.

Longinus recommends swearing, 13, note (Fuseli did same thing).

Long sweetening recommended, 90.

Lost arts, one sorrowfully added to list of, 124.

Louis the Eleventh of France, some odd trees of his, 100.

Lowell, Mr. J. R., unaccountable silence of, 33.

Luther, Martin, his first appearance as Europa, 22.

Lyttelton, Lord, his letters, an imposition, 76.

Macrobii, their diplomacy, 84.

Mahomet, got nearer Sinai than some, 66.

Mahound, his filthy gobbets, 23.

Mangum, Mr., speaks to the point, 58.

Manichaean, excellently confuted, 54.

Man-trees, grew where, 100.

Mares'-nests, finders of, benevolent, 75.

Marshfield, 106, 113.

Martin, Mr. Sawin used to vote for him, 115.

Mason and Dixon's line, slaves north of, 58.

Mass, the, its duty defined, 59.

Massachusetts, on her knees, 8 —something mentioned in connection with, worthy the attention of tailors, 44 —citizen of, baked, boiled, and roasted (nefandum!), 95.

Masses, the, used as butter by some, 46.

M. C., an invertebrate animal, 49.

Mechanics' Fair, reflections suggested at, 87.

Mentor, letters of, dreary, 76.

Mephistopheles at a nonplus, 62.

Mexican blood, its effect in raising price of cloth, 103.

Mexican polka, 24.

Mexicans charged with various breaches of etiquette, 22 —kind feelings beaten into them, 70.

Mexico, no glory in overcoming, 45.

Military glory spoken disrespectfully of, 17, note —militia treated still worse, ib.

Milk-trees, growing still, 100.

Mills for manufacturing gabble, how driven, 53.

Milton, an unconscious plagiary, 43, note —a Latin verse of, cited, 66.

Missions, a profitable kind of, 67.

Monarch, a pagan, probably not favoured in philosophical experiments, 12.

Money-trees desirable, 100 —that they once existed shown to be variously probable, ib.

Montaigne, a communicative old Gascon, 75.

Monterey, battle of, its singular chromatic effect on a species of two-headed eagle, 50.

Moses held up vainly as an example, 65 —construed by Joe Smith, ib.

Myths, how to interpret readily, 84.

Naboths, Popish ones, how distinguished, 25.

Nation, rights of, proportionate to size, 20.

National pudding, its effect on the organs of speech, a curious physiological fact, 25.

Nephelim, not yet extinct, 124.

New England overpoweringly honoured, 48 —wants no more speakers, ib. —done brown by whom, ib. —her experience in beans beyond Cicero's, 84.

Newspaper, the, wonderful, 70 —a strolling theatre, 71 —thoughts suggested by tearing wrapper of, 72 —a vacant sheet, ib. —a sheet in which a vision was let down, 73 —wrapper to a bar of soap, ib. —a cheap impromptu platter, ib.

New York, Letters from, commended, 76.

Next life, what, 72.

Niggers, 5 —area of abusing extended, 46 —Mr. Sawin's opinions of, 117.

Ninepence a day low for murder, 14.

No, a monosyllable, 25 —hard to utter, ib.

Noah, inclosed letter in bottle, probably, 75.

Nornas, Lapland, what, 101.

North, has no business, 58 —bristling, crowded off roost, 81.

North Bend, geese inhumanly treated at, 82 —mentioned, 113.

North Star, a proposition to indict, 62.

Off ox, 70.

Officers, miraculous transformation in character of, 21 —Anglo-Saxon, come very near being anathematized, 22.

O'Phace, Increase D., Esq., speech of, 40.

Oracle of Fools, still respectfully consulted, 41.

Orion, becomes commonplace, 73.

Orrery, Lord, his letters (lord!), 76.

Ostracism, curious species of, 41.

Palestine, 23.

Palfrey, Hon. J. G., 41, 50 (a worthy representative of Massachusetts.)

Pantagruel recommends a popular oracle, 41.

Panurge, his interview with Goatsnose, 84.

Papists, female, slain by zealous Protestant bomb-shell, 104.

Paralipomenon, a man suspected of being, 82.

Paris, liberal principles safe as far away as, 66.

Parliamentum Indoctorum sitting in permanence, 44.

Past, the, a good nurse, 55.

Patience, sister, quoted, 16.

Paynims, their throats propagandistically cut, 23.

Penelope, her wise choice, 32.

People, soft enough, 68 —want correct ideas, 97.

Pepin, King, 76.

Periwig, 80.

Persius, a pithy saying of, 46, note.

Pescara, Marquis, saying of, 10.

Peter, Saint, a letter of (post-mortem), 76.

Pharisees, opprobriously referred to, 66.

Philippe, Louis, in pea-jacket, 71.

Phlegyas quoted, 63.

Phrygian language, whether Adam spoke it, 11.

Pilgrims, the, 45.

Pillows, constitutional, 49.

Pinto, Mr., some letters of his commended, 76.

Pisgah, an impromptu one, 100.

Platform, party, a convenient one, 97.

Plato, supped with, 75 —his man, 82.

Pleiades, the, not enough esteemed, 73.

Pliny, his letters not admired, 76.

Plotinus, a story of, 55.

Plymouth Rock, Old, a Convention wrecked on, 45.

Point Tribulation, Mr. Sawin wrecked on, 100.

Poles, exile, whether crop of beans depends on, 19, note.

Polk, President, synonymous with our country, 30 —censured, 44 —in danger of being crushed, 46.

Polka, Mexican, 24.

Pomp, a runaway slave, his nest, 117 —hypocritically groans like white man, 118 —blind to Christian privileges, 119 —his society valued at fifty dollars, ib. —his treachery, 120 —takes Mr. Sawin prisoner, 121 —cruelly makes him work, ib. —puts himself illegally under his tuition, 122 —dismisses him with contumelious epithets, ib.

Pontifical bull, a tamed one, 22.

Pope, his verse excellent, 11.

Pork, refractory in boiling, 22.

Portugal, Alphonso the Sixth of, a monster, 123.

Post, Boston, 33 —shaken visibly, 34 —bad guide-post, ib. —too swift, ib. —edited by a colonel, ib. —who is presumed officially in Mexico, ib. —referred to, 59.

Pot-hooks, death in, 59.

Preacher, an ornamental symbol, 65 —a breeder of dogmas, ib. —earnestness of, important, 123.

Present, considered as an annalist, 65 —not long wonderful, 73.

President, slaveholding natural to, 66 —must be a Southern resident, 98 —must own a nigger, ib.

Principle, exposure spoils it, 43.

Principles, bad, when less harmful, 27.

Prophecy, a notable one, 51, note.

Proviso, bitterly spoken of, 79.

Prudence, sister, her idiosyncratic teapot, 92.

Psammeticus, an experiment of, 11.

Public opinion a blind and drunken guide, 25 —nudges Mr. Wilbur's elbow, 26 —ticklers of, 45.

Pythagoras a bean-hater, why, 84.

Pythagoreans, fish reverenced by, why, 54.

Quixote, Don, 57.

Rag, one of sacred college, 25.

Rantoul, Mr., talks loudly, 16 —pious reason for not enlisting, ib.

Recruiting sergeant, Devil supposed the first, 10.

Representatives' Chamber, 54.

Rhinothism, society for promoting, 74.

Rhyme, whether natural not considered, 11.

Rib, an infrangible one, 90.

Richard the First of England, his Christian fervour, 23.

Riches conjectured to have legs as well as wings, 62.

Robinson, Mr. John P., his opinions fully stated, 27-31.

Rocks, pocket full of, 91.

Rough and Ready, 111 —a wig, 112 —a kind of scratch, ib.

Russian eagle turns Prussian blue, 50.

Sabbath, breach of, 27.

Sabellianism, one accused of, 82.

Saltillo, unfavourable view of, 17.

Salt-river in, Mexican, what, 17.

Samuel, Uncle, riotous, 50 —yet has qualities demanding reverence, 66 —a good provider for his family, 68 —an exorbitant bill of, 103.

Sansculottes, draw their wine before drinking, 61.

Santa Anna, his expensive leg, 96.

Satan, never wants attorneys, 22 —an expert talker by signs, ib. —a successful fisherman with little or no bait, 23 —cunning fetch of, 27 —dislikes ridicule, 34 —ought not to have credit of ancient oracles, 51, note.

Satirist, incident to certain dangers, 28.

Savages, Canadian, chance of redemption offered to, 123.

Sawin, B., Esquire, his letter not written in verse, 11 —a native of Jaalam, 12 —not regular attendant on Rev. Mr. Wilbur's preaching, ib. —a fool, ib. —his statements trustworthy, ib. —his ornithological tastes, ib. —letter from, 13, 86, 106 —his curious discovery in regard to bayonets, 15 —displays proper family pride, ib. —modestly confesses himself less wise than the Queen of Sheba, 19 —the old Adam in, peeps out, 21 —a miles emeritus, 86 —is made text for a sermon, ib. —loses a leg, 88 —an eye, 89 —left hand, ib. —four fingers of right hand, ib. —has six or more ribs broken, ib. —a rib of his infrangible, 90 —allows a certain amount of preterite greenness in himself, 90, 91 —his share of spoil limited, ib. —his opinion of Mexican climate, 92 —acquires property of a certain sort, 93 —his experience of glory, 93, 94 —stands sentry, and puns thereupon, 95 —undergoes martyrdom in some of its most painful forms, ib. —enters the candidating business, 96 —modestly states the (avail) abilities which qualify him for high political station, 96, 99 —has no principles, 96 —a peaceman, ib. —unpledged, 97 —has no objections to owning peculiar property, but would not like to monopolize the truth, 98 —his account with glory, 99 —a selfish motive hinted in, 100 —sails for Eldorado, ib. —shipwrecked on a metaphorical promontory, ib. —parallel between, and Rev. Mr. Wilbur (not Plutarchian), 102 —conjectured to have bathed in river Selemnus, 106 —loves plough wisely, but not too well, ib. —a foreign mission probably expected by, 107 —unanimously nominated for presidency, 108 —his country's father-in-law, 109 —nobly emulates Cincinnatus, 110 —is not a crooked stick, ib. —advises his adherents, ib. —views of, on present state of politics, 110-117 —popular enthusiasm for, at Bellers's, and its disagreeable consequences, 111 —inhuman treatment of, by Bellers, 112 —his opinion of the two parties, 113 —agrees with Mr. Webster, ib. —his antislavery zeal, 115 —his proper self-respect, ib. —his unaffected piety, ib. —his not intemperate temperance, 117 —a thrilling adventure of, 117-122 —his prudence and economy, 117 —bound to Captain Jakes, but regains his freedom, 119 —is taken prisoner, 121-122 —ignominiously treated, 121-122 —his consequent resolution, 122.

Sayres, a martyr, 55.

Scaliger, saying of, 28.

Scarabaeus pilularius, 18.

Scott, General, his claims to the presidency, 34, 37.

Scythians, their diplomacy commended, 84.

Seamen, coloured, sold, 8.

Selemnus, a sort of Lethean river, 106.

Senate, debate in, made readable, 55.

Seneca, saying of, 27 —another, 51 —overrated by a saint (but see Lord Bolingbroke's opinion of, in a letter to Dean Swift), 76 —his letters not commended, ib. —a son of Rev. Mr. Wilbur, 102.

Serbonian bog of literature, 54.

Sextons, demand for, 61 —heroic official devotion of one, 120.

Shaking fever, considered as an employer, 93.

Shakspeare, a good reporter, 40.

Sham, President, honest, 45.

Sheba, Queen of, 19.

Sheep, none of Rev. Mr. Wilbur's turned wolves, 12.

Shem, Scriptural curse of, 122.

Show, natural to love it, 17, note.

Silver spoon born in Democracy's mouth what, 43.

Sinai suffers outrages, 66.

Sin, wilderness of, modern, what, 66.

Skin, hole in, strange taste of some for, 94.

Slaughter, whether God strengthen us for, 24.

Slaughterers and soldiers compared, 104.

Slaughtering nowadays is slaughtering, 104.

Slavery, of no colour, 6 —cornerstone of liberty, 52 —also keystone, 58 —last crumb of Eden, 61 —a Jonah, 62 —an institution, 80 —a private State concern, 118.

Smith, Joe, used as a translation, 65.

Smith, John, an interesting character, 74.

Smith, Mr., fears entertained for, 63 —dined with, 75.

Smith, N. B., his magnanimity, 75.

Soandso, Mr., the great, defines his position, 75.

Sol, the fisherman, 18 —soundness of respiratory organs hypothetically attributed to, ib.

Solon, a saying of, 25.

South Carolina, futile attempt to anchor, 57.

Spanish, to walk, what, 20.

Speech-making, an abuse of gift of speech, 53.

Star, north, subject to indictment, whether, 62.

Store, cheap cash, a wicked fraud, 102.

Strong, Governor Caleb, a patriot, 32.

Swearing, commended as a figure of speech, 13, note.

Swift, Dean, threadbare saying of, 34.

Tag, elevated to the Cardinalate, 25.

Taxes, direct, advantages of, 103.

Taylor zeal, its origin, 111 —General, greased by Mr. Choate, 113.

Thanks, get lodged, 93.

Thirty-nine articles might be made serviceable, 24.

Thor, a foolish attempt of, 57.

Thumb, General Thomas, a valuable member of society, 49.

Thunder, supposed in easy circumstances, 90.

Thynne, Mr., murdered, 10.

Time, an innocent personage to swear by, 13, note —a scene-shifter, 72.

Toms, Peeping, 74.

Trees, various kinds of extraordinary ones, 100.

Trowbridge, William, mariner, adventure of, 24.

Truth and falsehood start from same point, 27 —truth invulnerable to satire, ib. —compared to a river, 40 —of fiction sometimes truer than fact, ib. —told plainly, passim.

Tuileries, exciting scene at, 51.

Tully, a saying of, 43, note.

Tweedledee, gospel according to, 66.

Tweedledum, great principles of, 66.

Ulysses, husband of Penelope, 32 —borrows money, 101. (For full particulars of, see Homer and Dante.)

University, triennial catalogue of, 36.

Van Buren fails of gaining Mr. Sawin's confidence, 116 —his son John reproved, ib.

Van, Old, plan to set up, 115.

Venetians, invented something once, 101.

Vices, cardinal, sacred conclave of, 24.

Victoria, Queen, her natural terror, 50.

Vratz, Captain, a Pomeranian, singular views of, 10.

Walpole, Horace, classed, 75 —his letters praised, 76.

Waltham Plain, Cornwallis at, 14.

Walton, punctilious in his intercourse with fishes, 25.

War, abstract, horrid, 79 —its hoppers, grist of, what, 94.

Warton, Thomas, a story of, 38.

Washington, charge brought against, 109.

Washington, city of, climatic influence of, on coats, 44 —mentioned, 55 —grand jury of, 62.

Washingtons, two hatched at a time by improved machine, 109.

Wate, Taunton, proverbially weak, 117.

Water-trees, 100.

Webster, some sentiments of, commended by Mr. Sawin, 113.

Westcott, Mr., his horror, 61.

Whig party, has a large throat, 35 —but query as to swallowing spurs, 114.

White-house, 81.

Wife-trees, 100.

Wilbur, Rev. Homer, A. M., consulted, 2 —his instructions to his flock, 12 —a proposition of his for Protestant bombshells, 24 —his elbow nudged, 26 —his notions of satire, 27 —some opinions of his quoted with apparent approval by Mr. Biglow, 31 —geographical speculations of, 32 —a justice of the peace, ib. —a letter of, 33 —a Latin pun of, ib. —runs against a post without injury, 34 —does not seek notoriety (whatever some malignants may affirm), 36 —fits youths for college, ib. —a chaplain during late war with England, 38 —a shrewd observation of, 40 —some curious speculations of, 52, 54 —his martello-tower, 53 —forgets he is not in pulpit, 62, 86 —extracts from sermon of, 64, 70 —interested in John Smith, 74 —his views concerning present state of letters, 74, 77 —a stratagem of, 82 —ventures two hundred and fourth interpretation of Beast in Apocalypse, 83 —christens Hon. B. Sawin, then an infant, 86 —an addition to our sylva proposed by, 100 —curious and instructive adventure of, 101, 102 —his account with an unnatural uncle, 103 —his uncomfortable imagination, 104 —speculations concerning Cincinnatus, 106 —confesses digressive tendency of mind, 123 —goes to work on sermon (not without fear that his readers will dub him with a reproachful epithet like that with which Isaac Allerton, a Mayflower man, revenges himself on a delinquent debtor of his, calling him in his will, and thus holding him up to posterity, as "John Peterson, THE BORE"), 125.

Wilbur, Mrs., an invariable rule of, 37 —her profile, ib.

Wildbore, a vernacular one, how to escape, 54.

Wind, the, a good Samaritan, 86.

Wooden leg, remarkable for sobriety, 88 —never eats pudding, 90.

Wright, Colonel, providentially rescued, 18.

Wrong, abstract, safe to oppose, 46.

Zack, Old, 110.



THE END.