"From the fertile bottoms of the Himalayas to the Indian ocean on one side, and from the Burmese boundary to wherever British rule extended on the other, there spread out the same sickly prospect. There, resigned, stood outlined the same apathy of spirit, the same result of misgovernment—the same soul-degrading influences; the same rebuking spectacle; the result of the same wealth-dredging principles practiced by a few. Cotton, corn, and sugar, would have repaid the hand of the husbandman tenfold, nature having given it germ for that purpose; but jungle grew in their stead, while bad government rioted in its follies. Nationality had no soul, energy no lifesprings, progress no railroads to move onward. The honorable John, having conquered, and very modestly enthroned himself, was strong to maintain his centralizing power, from which point he would make effectual his blighting policy. Notwithstanding this, John would have us believe him world-wide in his kindness, desire his power made known to mankind in general, and stood ever ready to have his philanthropy and his tears spent upon the sorrows of the American slave. Were they not more needed in his own Indian dominions? A peasant clothed in rags picks his little spot of sickly cotton as it falls from the bowl; but how valueless is it to the poor wretch ignorant of the first principles of trade! Yet, instead of providing for his improvement, this honorable dredging machine which so disgracefully governs a people flatters him into contentment with promises it never intended to fill. With his bag of cotton gathered, the humble subject is pointed to a path through a country infested by dangerous bands, over which he may seek a market some hundred miles distant. In its crude state he roughs it, and sweats it, puts it through—without a gin to give it market value!—all the various processes of damaging during the transit, and is surprised that India, with the best soil and climate in the world for such an object, cannot raise a good and sufficient supply of the raw material. What a look of pity the wretch might bestow upon the board of directors, sitting in pompous conclave in Leadenhall street! Happy is he, Jonathan, who, contented, knows not the things at his hand by which his own condition may be bettered. And how blind is that rule, which, having the power to do good, contents itself with dragging eagerly away the first compensation. The penalty of the crime of not developing what is given us by nature for a nation's good is the sacrifice of a people's happiness. My friend John reluctantly acknowledged the delinquency. Mark the contrast! Had this all-bountiful India been ours, a more liberal policy would have produced results widely different. No oligarch could have sacrificed it to its own avarice; associations would have sprung up for developing industry; a policy to make the resources of the state serve general interests would have been established, and the good of the many had been kept in view. Cotton-growing, and tobacco-planting, and rice-cultivating, had been encouraged and fostered. Those rich alluvial bottoms, so fertile and yet so uncultivated, had given out their rich harvests to some purpose—untaxed prosperity would have rewarded the hand of the hardy husbandman. India would then, besides proving herself the greatest exporting empire in the world, have clothed, fed and made happy her benighted millions.

"Had India been ours, Yankee enterprise had traversed it with plank roads; Yankee enterprise had laid down strap railroads until better ones had resulted from profits; Yankee energy had invented a species of Mississippi steamboat, wherewith to navigate its narrow water-courses to their source, and there develope the capabilities of the country. Yes, Yankee ingenuity had had a steamboat where there was scarce water for a duck to swim. But why pain the feelings with recapitulations like these? Its resources are of little value when government interposes a dogged obstinacy to improvements; nor is it much better where a people seem at a loss to know whose business it is to give out the incentive. So long as this state of things lasts will Cotton remain king, and Uncle John be its most servile and dependent subject. It matters little that his empire is so beautifully adapted to its cultivation. He must shake off his love of those very ancient and effeminating systems of his, and adopt the modern policy of improving and nourishing industry.

"John admitted things were not conducted on the most approved principle; but as the business belonged to the old gentleman, who was very testy in the exercise of his power, he was at a loss to conceive what we had to do with it. That became very easy to explain; for whereas Young America claims a right to dictate principles that will aid in working out manifest destiny, so also does he take upon himself the right of pointing out the evil of all political misgovernment that falls under his notice. It was not the honorable manner in which a government acquired new territory or incorporated weak provinces, that Mr. Smooth had to deal with, but the dishonorable government that followed. Wherever waste and misery meet the eye of an energetic man, who discovers the palpable cause at the door of wrong-headed government, his natural feelings revolt against the powers that be; and to an American, trained in the New England school of universal industry, the desolation seems calling upon him to take the initiative of working out its improvement.

"With me, a feeling, inspired by the best of motives, prompted the advancing some rules of improvement; but, conscious of Uncle John's obstinacy to being instructed by youth, and with a just sense of the obstacles my tattered garments would present, the inclination failed. Indeed, John, as dogged as he is old in experience, views his son Jonathan as a bold, reckless, and discontented fellow, whose notions of progress he would receive with the same cautious hand he would his, to him, preposterous principles of republicanism. He, while entertaining some good feeling for us, hath an inert prejudice which views us as levellers, always reforming or abusing reforms. Swelled, he says, by large notions of ourselves, generous in our expectations, and never ceasing in our love of excitements until we are safely landed in the grave, we are become dangerous to the great family compact. In the devil's department, says John, your Young America would prove his energetic nature by devising some new arrangement, addition, or modification of that gentleman's sin-roasting machinery. Failing in that, he would plan some enterprise, propose some joint-account operation with Mr. Jones, and content himself with 'truck-and-dicker,' or charcoal, for his half of the spoils. In heaven, your Young American would be discontented, unless he were devising some improvement, getting up spiritual intrigues, or laying the foundation of some new species of glory—perhaps claiming a right to entire possession.

"'You must understand, Mr. Smooth,' said John, 'we have long been meditating a new policy for this great and fertile empire, now so desolate; but we pursue ends most patiently, letting our thoughts have the benefit of time, before reducing them to practice. Manchester wants cotton—wants it free-grown—that she may relieve herself from the yoke of King Slavery; but she cannot yet solve the problem by which the throbbings of her manufacturing philanthropy may be set at rest. She thinks long and strong of it, but there it rests—and there's the rub. John is blind, and Cotton is king.'

"'With us it would present no rub; give us the means, as spread out to your hands, and the problem we would solve while you were pondering over its intricacy. We would pay good premiums to practical overseers of cotton plantations in Georgia and Alabama, who, with the inducement offered, would come as instructors—cotton-growing requires the application of the nicest agricultural science—in the art of cultivating the sensitive plant. And to encourage private enterprise we would offer bounties for the largest amount of best quality produced on the smallest space. By government encouraging the best staple, a rivalry would spring up which could not fail to produce much good; it would open up a spirited system of planting, as well as that enlarged intercommunication of commerce which must follow.' Let me take leave of this subject!

"From India we sojourned across the great desert, meeting in succession the white-robed Arab, the savage Kurd, the docile Yeeside, and the melancholy Turk. John said we must have a staff, and a score of guides, and no end of menials, and must put on the dignity, or it would not be safe, especially now that Turks and Russians were at war. Mr. Smooth took exceptions to this ruling, preferring to assume the go-ahead, and test the virtue of a hard front, the effects of which he was quite sure would not be entirely lost even among the Arabs. And then, if the Turks and Russians were again at war about holy places—places for which a deal of human blood had been spilt for the mere gratification of a very unholy ambition—Mr. Smooth, on behalf of Young America, might make a dollar or two by the way of proposing a very christian plan for settling the stubborn intricacy. With this best of all motives in view, I left John in the desert, where he said he expected to do some good business, and, what was better, get some good dinners. So, bidding him godspeed, I made straight headway for the point where the pious difficulty had resulted in so much iniquitous blood-shedding.

"The fact is, Old Uncle John was at first inclined to make rather spare use of bear's grease to dress his Turkey, an unhealthy bird, scarcely possessing fat enough to cook himself; but, being rather doubtful of his own culinary efficiency, had consented to receive a French cook into the family: and, fearing there might yet be a deficiency, the ever-credulous old dotard was making good-natured overtures to one Joseph of Hapsburg,—never trustworthy, and always known to act as circumstances changed interests,—who said there was no knowing what time he would be ready to turn his attention to such purposes. Joseph, however, was never in his life so willing to play open and shut with John, at the same time giving Nicholas that cunning wink so well understood in all respectable family circles. This game Joseph played, and played, and played, until the credulity of old John seemed like a cooked fish in a pot of porridge. The fact must be confessed that Joseph was so politically dishonest that to be for once honest was tantamount to a great victory over his traditional immorality. Knowing right well the traits of character this Joseph possessed, Jonathan would at short notice lend a willing hand to thrash other morals into his system. However, with a view of leaving this point to be settled by more interested parties, Smooth proceeded to the holy places, where, he regrets to say, he shuddered at the thought of how much human slaughtering it had been the scene—all done for holy causes. Let an impious world forgive those Little Ones who in all ages have lent their aid to stimulate the worst passions!

"As for Turkey, I, Smooth, would make no insinuations against that lovely but ill-governed country. Muslamism was dying by its own hand; it had shocked a world with its persecutions; it had scoffed at virtue, and was sinking down into its own deluge of vice. The independence of Turkey! Now, Mr. Smooth made no boast of his common-sense, but to such as he had it was a question whether the Turk, instead of exhibiting so fanatical a love for fighting, had not better betake himself to reconstructing and reforming his internal government, and by that means save himself from a continual jarring with nations sensitive of the rights of their subjects. Should this be thought an employment too inferior, he might employ himself with a plan for enforcing a more strict respect for the rights and feelings of the christian population under his political rule. It would not be incompatible with his own best interests, for it is unnatural that an inferior govern a superior race. Flatterers, and even savans, may find apologies in the changes fortune has been pleased to make in the affairs of a state; but here so strong are the evidences of bad government that only lame excuses can be offered for the finest country the sun shines on groaning in poverty and distress. The independence of Turkey!

"There could be no doubt that the Bear had long cherished a serious inclination to do for the Turkey, the character of whose independence he well understood. He would make fertile use of its apathy. The Bear would cook the Turkey with his own grease—albeit, he found him a sick man, but had no objection to the meal. If, however, he had lain his paws too rudely upon the patient, diplomatic donkeyism made the case still more dangerous. Mr. Smooth begs the reader's pardon for using the term 'diplomatic donkeyism;' but indeed the only difference he has yet been capable of detecting between the conclave which drew upon the nations of Europe so much carnal warfare and the assinine species is, that the former have soft heads in place of ears. These diplomatic donkeys, ever ready to keep the world apprised of their own greatness, and without the slightest objection to getting up an unnecessary number of excitements for its benefit, betook themselves to playing drafts, in which game they made such an innumerable quantity of wrong moves, that they lost themselves on the board. The world strove to respect the body, but having never before been perplexed with such polite players, the effort was indeed a task. With regard to their game of drafts, such was the fear of the Bear exhibited by the movers that no one dare remove him boldly from the King row, lest it leave an opening he was but too ready to take advantage of; nor did they want to wound the Turkey by any incautious move whereby the Bear might unhesitatingly swallow him: so they pushed and shoved until they found themselves in a sort of baby-jumper, in which they could be nursed to sleep while the war they had so innocently kindled waged fierce and bloody. In fact, they themselves got the Bear so far into the crockery shop that no one could get him out without smashing to pieces the whole establishment.

"Everywhere in Turkey they were preparing for war; and so Mr. Smooth, as soon as he reached Constantinople, where everybody seemed surprised to see such a description of citizen, called a meeting of those whose feelings were so finely up in fighting trim, to whom he stated in most emphatic language that, inasmuch as Turkey had ennobled herself by her noble defence of Kossuth, whose asylum in her domain was held sacred at the price of the kingdom, he had great respect for her, but could not think of fighting. But they didn't seem to understand square Yankee talk; the consequence of which, in Mr. Smooth's opinion, would be the Bear getting his cubs in motion, to do some first-rate fighting. In this fighting Mr. Smooth would not have the least objection to taking a hand, provided always that there was some coin to be made at it. However, before entering upon the fighting business, Mr. Smooth would especially stipulate that all Austrian notes and Prussian protocols be used up in a bonfire, Austria be turned adrift as an inconsistent huckster without principles, the diplomatic donkeys be driven into the Danube, and all constitutional governments bound by arbitrary yokes set free. In that case freedom and constitutionalism would fight its own battles and constitutionalism would bid defiance to Czarism. When the battle of liberty against barbarism became the issue, then Young America would join with a bounding heart, a glowing soul, and a firm hand. We can whip all creation, build more churches, blow up more steamboats, lay down more railroads, and absorb more Mexican territory, than any other nation breathing; but, in this case, where liberty was at stake, hold me back if we wouldn't fight! At the same time we would pay a premium for the privilege of whipping Austria single-handed. Young America owes her a debt he stands ready to pay at the shortest notice and cheapest price. 'Mr. Smooth,' said I, 'is here before you, a free and independent citizen of the United States, ready to chalk down the items of fighting to be done, say about how much we can do it for, and get General Pierce, whose fighting diplomatists will be thrown in, to stand security.' Not comprehending this generous proposition I left them to their own stupid way; and as every American conceived he had a right to his own opinions I hoped they would become a reflex of the example.

"Seeing nothing, in Constantinople I could turn to account—the allies were undermining the foundation of Muslamism as fast as possible—I took a stroll to the seat of war, contenting myself with the hope that something would ultimately turn up. The fact was, I meant to follow the policy of the Aberdeen government when starving to death one of the bravest armies that ever faced a foe. Instead of expanding plains and undulating hills, such as Smooth had pictures to his mind in his boyhood, I found the seat of war an ungainly mud-puddle, with ramparts of savage-looking citizens menacing each other from its opposite banks. Between these banks the amusement of war was every now and then kept up with doubtful results. That something more than ordinary was to pay I felt assumed by the grimaces of the contending parties, and feeling a deep interest in the cause, I vaulted into the mist of a group on the left bank, so singularly mixed that their identity as allies could not be mistaken. To the question as to what brought them there, they answered with unintelligible assertions about the issue—the balance, of power—the status quo of Europe, and nobody knows how many more things that were to remain unmoved. The best that could be made of it was, that the atmosphere of kings and emperors was filled with very explosive matter which they thought it best to let off in this sort, of way. If, according to Mr. Smooth's philosophy, Europe were to remain in status quo, that spirit of progress so much beloved by Mr. Pierce, and his family must die, a natural death. Was it not singular that the least discussed issue, the most prominent one of the war, according to Smooth's opinion, was in regard to who should be the greatest toad in the European puddle? Your European puddle is no ordinary affair; kings and emperors only dabble in it at the expense of their people. I viewed with some interest this European cesspool. In the centre there was seated on a pole, with his arms folded, and having an air of assumed independence, a corpulent old gentleman, whose face fused broad and red, like a full moon in harvest-time. This very honorable gentleman had long esteemed himself the largest toad in the European puddle, and was worthily sensitive of his position, though he at times exercised it to a bad purpose. He was notoriously square-shouldered, had beer'd a great deal during his life, and could be as obstinate as a well-fed donkey. Indeed, he had more than once been known to put his finger in his mouth and look serious when great events demanded prompt action, but he never failed to do his part when driven into the fight. To speak honestly, and with all deference to the feelings of this very respectable gentleman, John had no legitimate right to be thus mixed up in this squabble of European despots; nor should he have permitted himself to be led into it on the one side by that imperial transgressor, and driven on the other by his own beer-shop politicians. That imperial first transgressor had the fickle imaginations of his people to dazzle by paying off certain old scores; even now how beautifully he plays the disinterested to curtain the designs of his ambition! John, nevertheless, did wake from his years of stupor to find himself in an uncertain position;—this was manifest by the manner in which he assumed a contemplative mood. A few shakes at the hands of his rougher politicians aroused his apprehension of being swamped in the political perplexity. Mr. Smooth paused, and took a careful view of the venerable old man, that he might learn something more of him. 'Stranger.' said I, 'what on earth has brought you here?'

"He canted his head, as if it were thickish, gave a dignified look, and again turned to his meditations;—'Beg pardon, but I don't know you,' he grumbled.

"'Social's the word, John; be social, and give us an inkling of your motive for that peculiar position you unwittingly find yourself in.' The salutation seemed to excite his astonishment. He was a stranger to such familiarity—rudeness, if so you may please to call it; and turned from me, his movements assimilating to those of a turtle with a coal of fire on his back.

"'You are who?' he returned, in a gruff voice, a scowl of contempt invading his broad face.

"'Smooth, from Down East!' I replied,—'who do you think it is?' To make the point more convincing, I started up Yankee Doodle, which I whistled with the variations.

"'You are not only an intruder, but an impertinent fellow!'

"'Needn't feel disagreeable about it. Smooth—a man of standing in his diggins, and Young America's independent delegate, has only come to take a bird's-eye view of the way things look about this seat of war.'

"'Who the devil is Mr. Smooth? I know he has no business here!' again grumbled the old man.

"'Don't know Solomon Smooth, eh?'

"'No, don't nor do I want to. You are always making difficulty wherever you go, probing your nose into everybody's business. You may be a keen fellow in commerce, but in diplomacy you are impertinent and quite beside yourself. You better be off from here, inasmuch as I am the biggest toad in this puddle, and mean to remain so. We are not inclined to know anything about Mr. Smooth; so the quicker he packs himself and his baggage up and is off from this, the better.' The earnestness with which he said this left me no reason to doubt his intention to remain the biggest toad of the pool.

"'Mr. Smooth, something of a man in Washington, holds a contrary opinion, and claims a right to know the ins and outs of what is going on outside of your dominions, as well as inside his own, and to insinuate himself into just what it may please him,' I replied in the measured manner of an experienced diplomatist.

"'Perhaps you have,' he interrupted, 'but if you were possessed of ordinary modesty, you would refrain from intermeddling when you saw what a blasted time I had to keep that great Bear, across there, from breaking his chain and devouring everything on this side.'

"'Feeling a fellow sympathy, I thought perhaps I might lend you a hand to do some of the whipping,—knowing how the brute professes to be a christian of the latest pattern.' Nicholas had a strong appetite for the Turkey, which, though sick, he would have no objection to breakfast upon, as I have before stated; and, that his christian cubs might share the feast, he had begun to teach them the straightforward principles of holy orthodoxy; which said holy orthodoxy incited a craving for blood we have not yet learned to appreciate.

"The said sick Turkey had not given the best satisfaction to the world in his mode of reducing to poverty his flock; and, too, he was always ready to bandy words and ostentation,—having a large supply of the latter always on hand. He had, moreover, evinced a certain degree of heroism; nor was he ever backward in professing his readiness to fight somebody—if it were the unruly Bear, so much the better. The heroism thus manifested on the part of the decaying Turk would have deserved more praise had it not had its origin in the assurance that Uncle John would lend a hand to do the fighting. Mark ye! John had copiously poured forth his treasure and blood in order that this vagabond Turkey might still live, and be saved from the Bear's all-digesting stomach, and for which he would deny John the freedom of his city; he would condescend only to honor him with the title of dog.

"In one sense a more generous fellow than John was not to be found on the outside of our small world. He had been the pack-horse of Europe, and all sorts of kings had used him for all sorts of purposes. Never was friend used better. He was proud, and yet how submissive. Ready to shed his blood and squander his treasure for he knew not what, he was equally willing to submit his well-burdened back to the kicks and cuffs of those he had saved from ignominy. Now, the very type of endurance was he who sat poised in the puddle. 'As for the Bear,' says John, 'he won't guarantee to be satisfied with his ordinary rations; and if he were to plant himself in the centre of this puddle I would very obediently have to plant myself out.' Here John folded his arms, and, with a dignified air, ordered his beer.

"That John should keep his eye sharp to windward was natural enough; but had this very same eye been kept to windward many years ago, much blood and treasure had been saved in the present. It is playing false to his national character thus long for which John now pays so dearly. But that phantom of terror excited by the Bear's growth, Mr. Smooth seriously thinks unworthy of being entertained by the honorable John.

"'You need not be alarmed, Mr. Smooth,' continued John, modifying somewhat his natural crisp: 'I am painfully sensible of our diplomatists having played the donkey; but why should you, being far removed from the scene of strife, nor having immediate interest in the game, desire to burn a finger in it? Be a man of sense—watch kings and kingcraft—go your way home in peace, and let peace be your glorious triumph over war!' From John such advice was valuable. Acknowledging the joys and comforts of peace, we shook hands,—I wished John well with his fighting, and we parted. I could not however, resist the conviction that John knew not for what he fought so bravely, and might have maintained his position as the greatest cock of the dunghill without sorrow to the homes of his people, and desolation into the land of his long tried and most dependable friend. Who can foretell the ways of a Napoleon. Oh! ambition, ambition!



CHAPTER XIV.

DONE BROWN IN DOWNING-STREET.

"Few would have supposed that when Minister Smooth left General Pierce and his waggish cabinet he would so soon have taken a turn round the world, and fetched up in that world of misery and wealth called London. But the world has got very fast, and only a fast man can keep up with it. Indeed, it were well we set about doing things fast, instead of so thinking them over in the mind that they seem immovable as mountains. Well, there was in London just about this time much waste of that sort of small talk newspapers now and then deal largely in, (editors are always kind enough to consider themselves great warriors), concerning our very spunky Captain Ingraham, who, they said, had Kosta safe under his guns, and would blow Austria to nobody knew where. The whole, however, only amounted to the simplest evidence of what there was in sympathy and the Saxon heart. To our Christian friends would we say—none of these things moved Smooth from his equilibrium. After all, come to the true philosophy of the thing, and it only amounted to a broil among small bullies. And, too, did the little skipper not take care of himself he was no Yankee, and the whole United States would know it to his discredit.

"General Pierce, too, being a fighting President, (not a doubt could exist since the bombardment of Greytown), would take good care of the whole thing (perhaps send to Congress a message blazing with the language of war). Could it turn a point to his own advantage, he would—right or wrong—send a fleet to whip Austria, to make her something.

"But let us turn to a subject more fruitful. London seemed like a great waste of dingy dwellings and badly constructed palaces, the whole sleeping under a canopy of sickly smoke. Everything wore a sombre, heavy air—even the men seemed born to methodize on some one object. Show-shops, beer-shops, and gin-palaces, made the very air reek with their stifling fumes. Above all, there were great palaces for very faint-hearted people, who thought well of themselves, and in their prayers thanked Uncle John, at whose great cost they lived in sumptuous idleness. As this last specimen of human nature, when dressed in full shine, would completely outshine the most vain Pawnee chief that ever ran wild in Arkansas, Mr. Smooth was anxious for a peep at the curiosity. In truth, to Mr. Smooth's unpolished eye London looked as if it might have emanated from a place called hook or crook, and stretched along the banks of a nauseous stream spreading its death stenches in the air, where, diffusing itself in the most perfect of fogs, it lent cheerful aid to the trade of physicians. Everybody affected great knowledge of system; and yet things were so complex of past errors and ages that no system existed equal to the requirements of the present day. The municipality was great only on dinners and donkeyism. It had indeed a dining senate, but that august body never was known to discuss the practical reform of anything but turtle-soup, and that with an horrid carving of the English language.

"The beggar, (we name the worst nuisances first), the begrimed sweep, the butcher, the hawker, the ignorant costermonger, the 'cute cabby, the wily tradesman, who seeks favors and pockets frowns from his distinguished clowns—the Lord, whose rank is known by his tinsel, and the Duke, so deeply identified with flunkeyism,—all move along, helter-skelter, helter-skelter. And then there came the small men of smaller titles, and the commoner whose grumbling was only equalled by his apeings. To dine with my Lord Flippington was to him something great; nor could his airs and ostentation be well improved. The little man of little titles, too, stood profound in his dignity: no man was larger, nor thought he that his own little self wasn't great. To the tailor who made him he paid money down. Of all men was he the largest dabbler in that divine essence of things called men—the philosophy of blood. But to keep up the dignity it not only required a great deal of experience, but a large amount of tin in the pocket, which for the minus thereof was it necessary to have a deal of brass in the face. This principle, then, which is strictly in accordance with natural philosophy, being very well developed in this worthily aged country, makes the truly great very great of modesty; while the man of pewter greatness—that is, great because Our Sovereign Lady said he might take upon himself the name of Sir Simpleton Somebody! always boiling over with the froth of his own follies. With tin in his pocket, brass in his face, and never a forlorn h in his vocabulary, is he the fellow to do brown the 'rag and tinsel.'

"Well, Mr. Smooth felt conscious of his own importance, and that same was something among the good British. With philosophy profound in his long face, Mr. Smooth made his compliments to the new and very sedate minister, who some facetious wags called the very unobsequious Jimmy Buckanan, of Pensylvane. This worthy and very firm-fisted statesman, who was too much of the old school ever to be President of our United States, advised the doing of a great many things, the diplomacy of which Mr. Smooth seriously doubted. Especially did Smooth question his reasoning on the breeches question, the quaint originality of which was Marcy's own. This the venerable statesman informed me in a sly sort of way, as he invited me to go into the back place and take a little gin and bitters in a quiet way, for he was inveterately averse to every body watching his movements. To live in a country so ancient of incongruities, and where not alone the weak-minded bedeck themselves in fancy coats and flashy tassels, and indescribable coverings of high colors, requires some resolution in the man who mixes with it, and is pleased to make known his taste for plain black. And here Mr. Smooth and the worthy and very promising statesman held a very learned controversy over the fact of Marcy having gone into the tailoring business so largely as to define the shape of coat it was consistent to wear at court tea-parties. Smooth wanted to put on a little bright, just to look a man of consequence, and in order not to be behind several of his brother democrats, whose names he views it imprudent here to insert, and seeing how he was invited to join a dough-nut party in Downing street, while he was certain of a card to one of Citizen Peabody's most select dinners, for Peabody was an intimate friend and old acquaintance; but our honest and very American plenipotentiary said it would not do, for the obvious reason that a man's importance should depend on what was in his brains. His very democratic secretary having come to his sense of the force of this argument, had made a solemn promise to put on red cloth and feathers but four times a year, one of which he stipulated should be at the opening of the Crystal Palace, that being an occasion when all the fine ladies were expected to be present for the purpose of witnessing the superiority of genius over court fooleries, as well as being singularly fascinated with the young secretary's handsome person. The argument here was so strong that Smooth at once knocked under; and, too, simplicity in great men being greatness itself, he sincerely enjoined all his countrymen to let sense and not semblance honor their country, guide their actions when abroad.

"Acting upon the principle so many of our countrymen unhappily develop, (thinking nobody could hear of it on the other side of the water,) Mr. Smooth chartered a donkey-cart, put his donkeys in shining liveries, and was determined to outdo the Choctaws in making London astonished. The most expensive tailor in Regent street did up the external, as he had before so many of my very simple-minded countrymen. Such a suit of toggery as it was! Alongside of me General Scott would have looked shy, I reckon. And then, when the big cocked hat was spread! I tell you, Uncle Sam, there as no touching Smooth—he was half-duke, half-beadle, and the rest Pierce diplomatist. 'If a dash ain't cut among the nobs!' thought I. The donkey turn out was a curiosity, Smooth himself was a curiosity; and with two curiosities an excitement was certain. My first dash was into Hyde Park, near the entrance of which stood the brazen statue of a gladiator, raised by fair hands, in commemoration of the Iron Duke, whose indelible deeds they would emblazon on hardest brass. In this park, at fashionable hours, sauntered the nice young men of the West End; that is, the biggest snobs of the fashionable world; but Smooth took the shine out of the whole lot, as did nearly all the rest of Mr. Pierce's little folks. Had he, however, turned out in the flummery of some of his contemporary snobs, and driven thus equipped into Cape Cod, a town-meeting, to take into consideration the sending him to a place where straight-jackets are worn, had been the result. But in London a man may make almost any kind of a fool of himself, without applying for a license. Indeed, the man most earnest in making an ass of himself may do it, with the satisfaction of knowing that he has a very large number of very respectable families for patrons. In Hyde Park the greatest asses (a name and the needful may be necessary) have the most followers. Longest ears are not the surest indices. After all, my reader must excuse me for not visiting the purlieus of Downing street just yet, having a few of Mr. Pierce's little folks to pack up and send home to Fourney, with instructions that he give them a few more turns on his grindstone.



CHAPTER XV.

HIS LITTLE LORDSHIP'S SHOW, AND A PEEP INTO DOWNING-STREET.

"Uncle Sam!—if, beside yourself, there exists outside of Cape Cod another individual who would like to see Mr. Thomas Foolery move in state most perfect, just send him over here: he must be present on that day when the little Lord Mayor makes a great man of himself. A great man is the Lord Mayor on that day on which he sacrifices all his good sense to an ancient and much-beloved show, in which he permits himself to be made the fool of the farce. No Choctaw war-train was ever half so extravagant of colored cloth and feathers. A great day for London loafers is it, when my Lord Mayor puts on the big chain, and issues his mandate to the sprats, who then come up the river, to the great joy of the poor, who have it thus in tradition. Well, Smooth thought he would keep Lord Mayor's day, and to that end harnessed up his team of donkeys, merely by way of contrasting it with some duke's turn-out. Imagine, Sam, my chagrin, when one of the donkeys took it into his head to keep Lord Mayor's day in his own obstinate way. Not a step would he go. However, I got another donkey, and proceeded to where the Lord Mayor was, just in time to hear him make a funny speech, throughout which he made a sad slaughter of all the h's and a's of the King's good English. Then he seated himself in the barge, and had a sail on the Thames, followed by innumerable beggars, sycophants, and costermongers. Succeeding this he marshalled his show-folks into a string (such a string!), and with them caused his august self to be moved to the Mansion House. Swarms of frightened turtles were seen hurrying away in front of the cavalcade.

"Such a set of white-washed heads—heads with all outside—heads with little inside—and heads nobody knew what they had been made for, never before were seen displayed in one string. Strangely attractive was the glare of tinsel—it fascinated the little souls of corpulent men, and made small men more becomingly great. Fact was, Uncle Sam, His Worship the Lord Mayor, whose year of greatness was death to turtle and terrapin, so outshone Her Most Gracious Majesty (a good little body) in confusion of brilliant brass, that the little woman thought it incumbent to call a Cabinet Council, before which she laid the grievance of his stealing her thunder. At this privy council Prince Albert was permitted to be present without anything being said by the Daily News and Morning Advertiser. His Worship had indeed usurped all the modern appliances of flunkeydom. But the cabinet, it was acknowledged, was very thick-headed, and her Majesty, good body, must bear the consequences.

"Well, after the most curious caravan eyes ever rested upon, there followed his jolly worship the Lord Mayor; he largely sat in a coach of gingerbread, the tea-things spread outside, and the glows of Souchong impregnating the air. They said his jolly Lordship sold real and mixed Twankey. In this sense, however, was his Lordship more fortunate than his predecessor, who, having ascended from the soap business, and himself used a large amount of that article for the purpose of washing down the wares of Threadneedle street, found his greatest difficulty that of getting rid of the foetid scent. And then, my Lord's h's were the things most violently handled; for otherwise he wasn't a bad fellow, and when he rode in his coach of the olden time, which might, by the green in mythology, have been taken for the lost chariot of Elijah, it was a serious question whether himself or the things that held on behind were greatest. Then these latter gents of flunkeydom in frills had big sticks in their hands, with which they kept the flies from my Lord's good-natured countenance. Happy fellows were they, and, like well-stuffed mules, only wanted the long soft ears to make them marketable. Everybody said it was a big day in London. To have suggested that his Worship might be making an ass of himself in this common-sense nineteenth century would have been to render yourself a victim of hasty contempt. Smooth was just taking a contemplative view of these things,—asking himself how many poor wretches would lose a day's work over the nonsense; how many would get drunk on the hallucination of the show; how many poor mechanics would make a blue week to his Lordship's honor; and how many would find themselves in the House of Correction to his disgrace—how many employers would be annoyed,—how many customers would be disappointed—and how many wives would get broken heads; when suddenly a crowd of filthy, dejected, and ruthless beings swept along in mass, heedless of whatever came in their way, and threatening life and limb in the onset. Then there came such a smashing of maids' bonnets, squeezing of milliners, and frightening of old maids, as never was seen before; indeed, this, added to the many well-jammed ribs and jostled beavers, seemed the most expensive part of my Lord's show. Summing the whole thing up in a logical sort of way, Smooth made it amount to this:—that the Lord Mayor, just mounting into greatness, could by no means make that greatness impressive by any knowledge of philosophy he possessed; so, to be sure that his importance had its force upon all vulgar minds, he suffered himself made to play the part of a monkey in a cake-shop. To this his Worship added the greater gratification of having given amusement to nine-tenths of the city costermongers, made idle seven-tenths of the working people, kept busy two thousand gin-shops, filled eleven hundred chop-houses, given hard work to five hundred policemen, who never like to be worked hard, and made lackeydom tumultuous. And then Beadledom seemed crazed, and, joined with the many ale-bibbers, were turned out to do good service in the show. But, to make my Lord's train complete, there was no knowing how many men he had to ride on horseback, how many more so inebriated they couldn't ride, how many of a character nobody would desire to know out of his show, and how many ballet girls who ride in circuses and so forth,—all of which latter material had faces made deep of moonshine modesty, to suit the solemn occasion. Then my Lord topped off the little end of his show with the soup and great Ministers of State. And, that nothing should be left undone, the Times must have a go in at it, which it did with one of Doctor Moseley's most spicy articles, putting the whole thing into a very comical nutshell. Quoth Sam, without the thunderer's dissecting knife a London Lord Mayor would be the most beautiful of nobodys—that is, so far as sense goes. Smooth, on the nicest observation, was decidedly of the opinion that only one thing more was wanted to make the Lord Mayor's Show complete—a pair of long soft ears emblazoned on the Corporation coach. The reader will excuse Smooth for dwelling thus long on little things.

"Having peeped long enough at the Lord Mayor's Show, I felt like looking at something more solid; so to that end I turned about the donkey-cart, whistled to the flunkeys (kept things of this kind merely to be like other Americans when abroad), and drove into Regent street, where I would inform General Pierce and all my firm friends a desperate excitement was made. Then, in glowing independence, I rolled away down Pall Mall, where the club-people—especially those of that institution of arrogance called the Reform—seemed much astonished. From thence I proceeded past Trafalgar square, where stood in singular contrast the monument of the noble Nelson, and an equestrian statue of that ignoble creature, Charles the First, the loss of whose head saved England from disgrace. How strange, that even in this day of intelligence and liberty-loving, it should stand a shrine before which very respectable old gentlemen poured out their stale patriotism! At last I found myself in Downing street—at the door of a massive and sombre-looking mansion (No. 12) in front of which stood methodical-looking men with grave countenances. And, too, there sauntered moodily venerable-looking gentlemen, now and then casting wistful glances at the time-begrimmed walls, as if they would see some one sealed-up in the antiquated recesses of the place. Mr. Smooth's turn-out only made a stir among them; they reckoned somebody had come! In a free-and-easy sort of way I walked straight to the door, maintaining my independence the while, and feeling as important as a door-keeper in Congress. After passing the massive entrance I encountered innumerable obstacles in the form of flunkeys, and then passed into a dingy room of immense size, which for all the world had the appearance of having some two or three hundred years ago served for a barracks. 'By appointment?' inquired a human thing dressed, as he emerged from behind a green screen situated at one corner. He bowed, and I bowed, until he was satisfied I was somebody, 'Who would you see?' he reiterates, adding another bow.

"'Well!' returned I, 'reckon how I'll think about that.' Then the fellow crossed three or four times my track, as much as to say—Stranger! you don't go in there. Presently a batch of well-to-do individuals came snickering out of a closet, and eyed me very suspiciously; at which I summoned all my brass, and stood fronting them like a staring machine. 'You must say who you want to see!' interposes the man I first confronted.

"I here took leisurely out my card, and said 'I would like to see the Duke of Newcastle, who temporarily tied up in this establishment.' He viewed my card with a serious hesitation; at which I turned round, and told him I would not trouble him, but take it myself, had he had any special objection to going a-head. They, the people, said the Duke, did all he could with what he had to do with. If it were not possible to see the Duke, I would like a peep at my venerable aunt Aberdeen, who was about as well qualified to sway the destinies of discontented England as a virgin pumpkin; and together with my ever amiable Lord Clarendon, would set a world at war good-naturedly. These very high functionaries, Mr. Smooth was informed, could not at present be seen by common people, inasmuch as they were contemplating the problem:—'I don't know what to do!' Nicholas's appetite for Turkey breakfasts had made work too profound for the brains of Downing Street. 'Don't seem a subject of this atmosphere,' said the stupid, significantly canting his head, and giving a queer look out of the corner of his right eye. 'You fellows don't seem to know me,' I interpolated, 'Citizen Smooth—they call me Solomon Smooth, Esq., that is my name.' A door now opened near where I was standing, and in I walked—right among the Dukes and dough-heads. It only wanted a bold push, in the right go-ahead sort of way, to make myself respected. Dukes were not only flesh and blood, but owed much of their importance to the ignorance of the people they aspired to frown upon. Dukes, Earls, and Lords, were, at this moment, playing at very un-English games for England. They affected to believe it right that the loyal people (I mean the simple and vulgar, who have hitherto proved mean the simple and vulgar) who have hitherto proved true to their noble traditions, should remain ignorant of the game played at their expense. This, Mr. Smooth thought too bad; however, his friend Urquhart was devising a scheme for remedying the evil, which, did he not himself fall into evil, might do great good to the nation in general. But Urquhart was so modest that he never accused Lord Palmerston of anything worse than bringing about the potato rot in Ireland. 'Hallo hallo!' a dozen voices echoed from the table around which the all-accomplished sat:—'A rustic intruder is upon us!' half muttered the man who followed me in. 'It's only Solomon Smooth, Esq., from the Cape,' returned I, with a good, wholesome laugh. Believe me, Uncle Sam, there sat round a table ten of the most solemn-looking fellows, with faces as dreary as a wet moon in November. Some of this unique body looked as if they had seen hard usage and lean pay. Others were grey with thinking, instead of moving. Be not surprised either when I say that the gravity of their countenance left no visible room for anything else. Hard at it were they, straining their antiquated imaginations over a secret game of thimble-rig, which seemed of momentous importance. Only five, however, could play at the game; and Sawny Dablerdeen, who always played on two small pipes, and paid sundry small pipers to do a deal of blowing, seemed in the greatest fuddle. And then there was my Lord John Littlejohn, as crusty a little snap as ever declaimed against tyrant in one breath, or turned a political summersault in another;—bricks to the back-bone was he, and all for old England, though he was not bigger than one of Betsy Perkin's well-grown cucumbers, and could be turned to as many uses. But what there is mentally in a man must not be judged by the measure of his body from head to foot. And, too, there was my very amiable Lord Clarendon, who attempted to out-clever my Lord John, inasmuch as John stated, in the fulness of his geographical knowledge, that the passage between Havana and the extreme southern point of Florida was not more than four hundred miles, while my Lord Clarendon assured the House of Lords that South Carolina was an island. Enlightened House of Lords! But, after all, there was a harmony of sentiment between these two noble worthies that was truly grateful to the submissive hearts of the freedom-loving English; both could spin flattering speeches: both could play the long and short; both could wince when foreign bull-dogs sent out their threatening growls; and both were mighty of mouth when dealing with little chickens. It was not to be concealed, however that Dablerdeen, master of the board, was gifted with the unfortunate characteristic of talking himself into an interminable difficulty.

"'Who, or from whence on earth do you come?' inquired my Lord.

"'Smooth,' I replied, that is my name; I am a citizen of the Great Republic—come to study the way in which you are disorganizing foreign affairs.'

"'Yer a little in advance of the times—too fast, sir!' replied a large man most serious of face. Thinking it best to answer him by declaring my opinion to be that it was better to be with the age than behind it,—and which I believe constituted the only difference between a fast and slow man of the present day, I let slide at him upon the fallacy of his political philosophy, with knock-down arguments.

"The fellows cooled down at once, and John Littlejohn said, 'Come, Smooth! if you really are a clever citizen then you are precisely the fellow we want!' And then he conversed feelingly with me, said how much he liked our country and our countrymen; persuaded himself to believe them the real go-ahead chaps—though he, at times, thought it quite necessary to keep their go-ahead a little slow. I proposed their taking a smoke in a rough and ready sort of way, and pulling out my pouch, in a friendly sort of way, they all seemed struck aback with astonishment. One said, if we did things that way in Congress it was not the way they did them here. They all shook their heads—said they didn't smoke.

"'We will may it please you Mr. Smooth—Citizen of the United States—excuse these things for the present,' rejoined Dablerdeen, who looked as if he did not know which way to turn, or how to please his people. Seeing this I sat down and watched the very odd style in which they played the game. Dablerdeen did all the talking, and Littlejohn, whom the reader will see had returned home helped him make his muff; and then there was a good deal of assisting one another to forget each move. But Sandy always moved slow, as if he had something under his thimble he was afraid of damaging. 'That's Turkey, that's Russia, that's France, and that's Austria—and this is ourselves!' he would say, making the moves up or down, but not knowing where to stop. 'It won't do to push that one, it won't!' he continued, pointing at the one he called Austria. 'If you did, nothing would you get from under it. It's a costly cup with a tender handle, somewhat dangerous to turn: only the cup of Spain is more costly; but that in this emergency is of no account whatever.' They had no United States cup to move, inasmuch as Jonathan had very respectfully declined to hazard a point in European games when he withheld his ascent to a tripartite treaty for the purpose of keeping his delicate fingers off Cuba. Now these very antiquated gentlemen seemed to entertain some respect for the British Lion, some apprehension of Jonathan and Nicholas, and a great dislike for fighting, which they had been driven, or rather drifted, into much against their imagined obligations to peace; for, indeed, did they carry on the war tail foremost, finding everything they had done large of stupidity. By and by a loud call rang through the tabernacle, and in another minute the platter of dough-nuts was borne in by two cooks. One, they said was Mrs. Victoria, and the other was Mr. Napoleon, curious acquaintances, who lugged and tugged, and puffed and blowed; and the piping hot doughnuts nuts gave out their glows. Then the players all seemed to quicken up, as if they had sooner be eating than thinking.

"'Strange things will come to pass at times, and nothing stranger has come to pass than that John Bull and Johnny Crappo have gone into the brotherly-love business, by which they hope to bring about one grand object,' I said. 'Neither had I any objection to Spain joining, provided she kept Cuba all right. But, Cuba being so near Uncle Sam's fingers, nothing more than the common course of events was needed to let it slide so naturally into his modest hands.' Smooth told the old gentlemen that the very best way to hasten Uncle Sam's getting Cuba was to point out a process by which he could keep his hand out of his pockets. 'We, Mr. Smooth, do not question your correctness on the point, so far at it refers to this Cuba business, and the tripartite treaty which we would you had signed merely that your fingers were kept off the property; but you have misconstrued our amiable motives—we only wanted to form a trio, honorable in combination—that is, we would it were mutually understood that you do not annex Cuba, and we will not!' said my Lord Littlejohn, who spoke quite as spunky, though with less assurance on geography, than he did to the very amiable Mr. Everett. Smooth understood the P's and Q's of the thing, without examining further into the portfolio. It was Johnny Bull saying to Johnny Crappo—'them Yankees 'll get Cuba!—in spite of all we can do.' Of course something must be said in return; so Crappo puts in his say:—'Can't you suggest some way to stop it, Uncle John?' he inquires, with a quizzical shrug, adding—mon dieu! 'But, by gar, we may do him somefin yet, by gar!'

"To make rogue one honest man is one clever thing; Mr. Jonathan mistake himself in tinking himself great, when he not so great. Now, dem Yankee one grand 'cute fellow; you no catch him wid de, bird chaff,' he is supposed to conclude. Smooth very amiably suggested that it were better to let Cuba be Cuba, until the time came when, if she felt like snugly brooding under Uncle Sam's wings, without any assistance would he attend to the little matter of offering her a roost. Uncle Sam was growing, but had grave ideas, with which he generally maintained his own dignity. They here reckoned Mr. Smooth had delivered his speech with becoming dignity. Of this fact I was fully sure, for my Lord Littlejohn put his finger into his mouth and began to suck it, as is common with him in these his days of tribulation. 'Let us quit the Ottomans and go into the eatables: the one is so dry nothing is to be made at it, while at the other everything is to be made, for there is something to eat,' rejoined John. They carried the suggestion by acclamation. Just then, whang!—bang!—whiz! somebody thundered at the door, when, alarmed, they all cried out—'whose there?' In answer to this the man with the long rod cried out at the very top of his voice—'Stop the game!' The old fellows began to stow away their gambling tools, look innocently and vacantly at one another, as if a crisis was upon them they could not understand. 'It's only us outsiders,' a voice replied, in most harmless accents.

"'There! I told you we'd make a mess of it,—that the outsiders would break in upon us' said Littlejohn, with a savage grimace, directing himself to Dablerdeen, who it was now thought better to call Grandmamma Fudge. The gentlemen outsiders were the honor-saving committee from Finsbury, the members of which declared themselves large stakeholders in the game at the Treasury. Grandmamma Fudge thought it best to tell them, merely in a bluff sort of way, that England's honor was safe in his keeping—that they must not be scared about it; not however, until they found him pedling pills and other quack medicines with the object of inducing Austria to be more explicit. 'But, my old closeters, in we must come! Fearing you have got the gout in the head, we are here to make an examination; things done in secret have a dark look about them; and we, being the honor-saving committee, have come to make a single suggestion, which is that my lord of foreign affair memory is found wanting in firmness, and gets very crooked when he is not kept straight, which is most unfortunate in a diplomatist who smokes bad cigars all the day long. This said, it must be remembered that old Finsbury feels sensitive of her rights and liberties; closely allied to which is the honor of Old England. And Christmas being near at hand, if the old Bear eat up all the Turkey, Finsbury cannot keep it; and we have been honied down in a good-natured sort of way long enough.' Poor old Grandmamma Fudge looked dumbfounded, like at times we see a disconsolate individual, who nipped in a hail-storm, mourns the loss of his umbrella. Like death, it was necessary to keep close, tell the honor-saving committee to maintain their usual spirits, and call again, when in respect to their ancient character, they would get a listening for their grievances. With this valuable solace, condescendingly bestowed by the ancient gentlemen aforesaid did the committee go away happy, promise to be very good, and keep Finsbury before the world.

"The gentlemen having been respectfully bowed out of Downing street, a loud call was made to commence again at the dough-nuts. 'I say, bring 'em on,' rejoined I; Smooth 'll help (I'd been seated a little back, watching the while) play at that or any other game, provided there be a rule of honor and economy to work out.'

"'Be a little more modest, Smooth—if you please!' spoke up my most intimate friend, Palm, who until then had seemed viewing the whole conclave with measured contempt. Indeed my friend Palm was a regular brick in his way, which fact was most happily illustrated in the manner he now and then threw the hard tokens at the head of his parliamentary brother Bright. It was as unfortunate as notorious, however, that in his dealings with the United States, his conduct was as dishonorable as uncertain. 'Smooth, you are a large youth,' said he; 'but your reforming principles have too great a resemblance to innovations to go down without scratching, in this aged atmosphere of ours! Nor must you be so lavish of your manifest destiny policy; that, to me, is the medium by which you intend to come on this side of the big pond and stick your fingers into everybody's mess.'

"I interrupted him just then; and in reply to a question I put, he acknowledged his conviction to be that we did things well and simply; but he made one little reservation, and that was that we did not do so well when we permitted the little State of South Carolina to imprison Uncle John's nigger sailors. Then he said South Carolina was the Empire State of Nigger Slavery; and was not aware of his mistake, until such I happily removed by convincing him that she was the only Don Quixote of the Union; and as it was necessary for every nation to have such an inhabitant in its compact, merely for the purpose of keeping alive the humorous, so Carolina filled the void in America, where happily her little exploits were viewed as very harmless.

"Well, peace again being preserved, we drew up to have a feast of the hot dough-nuts, when a terrible thundering came at the great door. Then the figure standing guard, who resembled a flour-barrel in frills, announced the reporter of the Times; who said he must come in, for his folks, too, held a large stake in the game. And the individual did come in; and a right jolly-looking fellow he was, too; and in contrast with the fudgy old conclave, seemed bright, fresh, and ready to go ahead; and then he said the Times and the country were two great institutions. 'You!' he spoke, advancing independently to the table, and grinning the old fogies almost out of countenance, 'have got to render an account of this game to the country! your just unequiliberizing everything; and my humble opinion is that you have got the fear fever in your heads.' The old gentleman took it all in good part; in fact (the truth must be told at times) they seemed rather to fear and like the man of the Times, who seldom failed in getting by some mysterious process the secrets of Downing street. However, as disturbances seldom come separate, no sooner had the man of the Times been smoothed nicely down with Downing street soft-soap, of which a never-failing supply was always at hand, than a most furious hue and cry again echoed through the old walls from another part of the house. Alarm and anxiety darted into the face of everyone present; all eyes stared in death-like gaze in the direction from whence it came. Smooth being in for a share of the alarm as well as the fun, looked along with the rest, when, lo! high on a seat in the corner, sat Mr. Punch, his comical face glowing through a sort of knot-hole and Toby perched on his right shoulder, growling and looking as if he wanted to bite every old fudge in the conclave. Punch, to outsecret the players, was, in a very clever sort of way, taking private notes, the subject matter of which he intended giving to his readers in a very condensed and elegant volume. This started the players to their feet, when each seized a book, and, letting fly at Punch's head, drove him scampering out of Downing street.

"Having got rid of Mr. Punch, and bowed the man of the Times politely out, Grandmama Fudge, in a strong Scotch brogue, said, 'Nu, luds, let us gang awa to the crumpets—bring 'um hither, mya bullies!' He drew a sort of simple contortion over his broad, hard face, and mouthed his lips, as if he would the amplest dough-nut be put on his plate. Palm, just as they were resuming their seats, insinuated that as the venerable old man was well gone in his dotage, he had better measure his diet somewhat after the judicious character of his diplomacy, which was celebrated for its small doses crookedly doled out. The dish was again removed, mouths began to water, eager eyes glanced upon the steaming viands, giving out their strong glows and unsavory smells. This incited dither strong, on calling the two cooks its, after many and tedious interrogatories, confessed, in fear and trembling, that Grandmama Fudge had strictly ordered them fried in grease of the Russian Bear, an animal for which he entertained a curious sympathy. And here it was observed, with no very commendable emphasis, that the precious old dote had a particular partiality for Bruin's dominions, nor could be driven from the strange hallucination. Another minute and the poor old man was in the most alarming state of mind that could be imagined; the largest dough-nut on the platter had stuck half-way down his throat. To relieve himself of his unsuccessful attempt at swallowing things beyond his capacity, he called lustily for Palm, who, unfortunately, had left in disgust, the stench of Bear's grease being too strong for his capricious organs. 'He! he! he! ah mun, I doe believe to heaven it's all up—I doe!' gurgled the old man, struggling in spasmodic efforts to get the thing up or down. 'If I die,' he continued, 'with this lump of indecision in my throat, the consequences will be that no man will mourn over me.' Littlejohn, always ready to move as occasion required, sprung to his aid, crying 'Swallow it! swallow it! for the honor of Young England swallow it! If it comes up you're a dead premier: dead without a doctor.' The whole thing now became a complex confusion; no one knew how to unconfuse it. It was a sad mistake having its origin only in the want of the age's appliances to our day and its circumstances; he had attempted a nut he had not capacity to swallow. A dozen voices cried out 'Bring in the doctor.' and as many more said the case was a desperate one. Some run one way; some run another; 'and some never moved. Downing street was in tribulation. Then everybody ran in everybody's way; nobody knew what to do; nor could anybody find Mr. Chesterfield, the loud shouts for whom seemed to make him a character of some importance. Mr. Smooth kept very cool the while, thinking it best to maintain his philosophy up to a scientific point; and in that way he reckoned it was as well to send for Doctor Punch, who, in such cases was an adept of a practitioner, and had an extensive infirmary in Fleet street, where patients innumerable were healed for three-pence. Well, just as they were on the point of making a rush, a voice cried out—'Here I am! here I am!' and in another minute there jumped from under the table a suspicious-looking turkey, who stood upon the platter, clapped his wings, and sent the dough-nuts into a flutter about the room. 'I'm all right' he proclaimed, stretching to his extreme height 'let every man take care of himself.' My reader will scarce question my veracity when I say the turkey looked with grave disdain upon the unnecessary confusion, made at this moment by British cabinet cooks, whom it was gravely intimated, had lessoned of Mr. Pierce's French cook, Monsieur Souley. Mr. Smooth, about this time, resolved to leave the donkey diplomatists, and drive his own ugly brutes home.



CHAPTER XVI.

SMOOTH DINES WITH CITIZEN PEABODY.

"Smooth being a great man, as well as Mr. Pierce's minister in general—and citizen Peabody being no less great in diplomacy, which he illustrated in the most substantial manner—it became necessary to make a demonstration: to this end did friend George delegate his hospitality in an invitation to dine with him at Blackwall. George was large and loose of figure, possessed a broad, honest face, bright with kindness, candor, and firmness: added to which a well-developed nose; a soft, yet watchful eye a mouth indicating gentleness; and a broad, benevolent chin, finished the make-up of the external man—if we except a neat pair of brown whiskers, and a head of dark youthful hair. Citizen George loved dearly his country, and was altogether a man who meant well, nor ever forgot those of his countrymen who reflected honor on their country when abroad. He had no genius for politics, had never aspired to the class par excellence; no, he espoused none of their dogmas; he let littler minds revel in such luxuries. The means by which little demagogues find themselves great politicians could reflect no fame to George: he served his country with less noise and more effect. If he was quiet and unassuming; if he loved his country to a fault, that fault was his own, not his country's. How much more to be praised is he who seeks when in foreign lands to sustain the simple but grand spirit of our institutions! For sustaining the simplicity of our institutions is friend George most to be praised. The object of his labor was the establishment of a simple but real and effective diplomacy, from which international benefits of great worth might result. A few here and there had doubted the quality of his diplomacy; but no one bold enough to question his abilities as a diplomatist had yet been found. It is not what we are supposed to do, but what we really do, that ought to entitle us to respect. And had not citizen George done more to promote a kindly feeling between the too boastful peoples of England and America than all our well-paid ministers, their court luxuries, and costly retinues thrown in? That citizen George would interpose for peace and international harmony, in the event of an unfortunate misunderstanding between the two countries, was equally certain; indeed he had more than once had occasion to view with feelings of commiseration those small jealousies against which great minds have to contend while seeking to carry out an enlarged policy. Painful as may be the assertion, it is nevertheless true, that whenever questions of an intricate nature arose those whose legitimate business it was to act in the matter were either moved by the narrowest aspirations of party, or, yielding to their own more contracted views, were disposed to keep alive dissensions blighting to their country's best interests.

"Deeper than etiquette and quibble (those much-beloved virtues of the time-serving and polite corps) had friend George delved into the recesses of human nature, that he might find a law upon which to build a comity of enlarged sentiment, having for its end the bringing together of Americans and Englishmen, cementing the bonds of commercial intercourse, and pledging the continuance of peace. Those whom he thus worthily drew together did he enjoin to cease their small jars and partake of his large jar, which was always plentifully stored. Be not surprised, then, when Smooth tells all his readers in general, and General Pierce in particular, that Citizen Peabody has founded a dinner diplomacy, contrasted with which all other species of the order are but secondary. This was indeed the means by which he hoped to, and no doubt would, develop a more fruitful international policy; for, meats and good drinks being never-failing arguments with fat Aldermen and Statesmen, who could doubt it? Smooth would here say to Uncle Sam, that there is no mistake about the effect of this sort of diplomacy, and begs that he will insinuate to Mr. Pierce the propriety of his suggesting to Congress through the medium of his next Annual Message (he will make a hit) the propriety of sending abroad good cooks instead of bad ministers. They must be well provided with gold eagles, and give the very best sort of dinners to every hungry citizen, at Sam's account; the boy will then shine in all his glory! Never dealing in sarcasms, nor casting reflections of an insinuating character, yet, Mr. Smooth cannot forbear to say that while the very polite worship at the shrine of the polished corps, stronger-minded men are always found doing homage to the meats and drinks—more particularly when they are good! Upon this most modern but very material principle of natural philosophy (with a great heart, and intentions to correspond) did our worthy and truly characteristic countryman pursue to usefulness his diplomacy. That it had excited the fear of small politicians and antiquated and very polite diplomats, whose trade it seriously damaged, was well known to Mr. Pierce and the world in general. Even this species of gentry was at times disposed to pay it compliment; but it was only on the ground of its relieving them of that onerous tax of now and then receiving their fellow-citizens respectably. Smooth is exceedingly delicate about mentioning here the onerousness of this tax, inasmuch as our parsimonious government has proved itself obstinately opposed to grant a sum requisite to the necessary respectability to be maintained at foreign courts.

"Well, the day arrived on which Smooth was to dine with Citizen George, and not the smallest idea had he of meeting another stray citizen. Happy in the enjoyment of our own greatness, Smooth expected to learn something of Uncle George's opinions upon international questions in general, and to give him in return some account of General Pierce's crooked notions of a national policy—so crooked, indeed, that they left him alike the laughing-stock of friends and foes. This was very easily done, for, being Mr. Pierce's special minister to everywhere in general, and more particularly to Europe, where he invested him (Smooth) with power to draw up preliminaries for the 'Ostend Convention,' as well as to cut a figure on behalf of Young America, the power thus given made the divulging Mr. Pierce's policy no breach of confidence. As for Young America, that very unassuming young gentleman was being gloriously represented by the very famous house of the three S.'s and Co. (Sickles, Saunders, Souley, Buckhanan & Co.), the latter very respectable gentleman having been received into the firm with the specific understanding that he sell out his large stock of old fogyism, and invest the proceeds in manifest destiny.

"Nothing is so easily attained as the flattery of small men; and yet no essence is more delicious to the soul of a sycophant, for it is he that loves to refresh his recreant spirit with human frailty. Mr. Pierce's comprehensive and very elastic mind had not yet made a point of analysing this as properly as it was capable of being.

"Doing himself (Smooth) up in his very best fixings, he chartered a steamboat—that is, he got aboard a steamboat—and in the company of our very gallant Secretary of Legation (who has since joined the very excellent and honorable order of doubtful politicians), paid his pennies and steamed away for Blackwall. Here he and his friend sought the Brunswick, a very grand hotel, where now and then the vulgar do dine, and console their love of fashion with much show of dishes and very aristocratic prices. And now, to Smooth's utter astonishment, on being bowed into a gorgeous hall by lackies in ordinary, who stood like tailored mummies along the halls and passages, he found it taken possession of by some hundred and fifty of both sexes, gaily attired, and altogether presenting the brightness of a bridal party. There were knights and baronets, great and small; some wore an insignia, but nothing else to distinguish them from the very vulgar. And, too, there was Sir William Busey, a good diner-out, and always ready to do such noble deeds. All stiff and staid, sallied up and down Sir James Muke, affecting to feel much annoyed because vulgar citizens would not regard him in the same distinguished light in which he contemplated himself. Indeed, were Sir James's manners taken in evidence of his distinguished position, the verdict could not fail to be in favor of his only being set down a very distinguished bore. However, on the principle of forgiveness being sweet, did Smooth forgive Sir James, and charge his manners to defect of early bringing up.

"And, too, there was, all reserve, smiling and dignified, Sir Memberman Plenat, who wore no toy of rank, that article being largely developed in his manly bearing. There were also, be it known, other barons and baronets, some of whom were equally imbued with their own importance, others quite modest and gentlemanly in their demeanor. But, to make the greatness of the occasion complete, there was the little Lord Mayor, who, like a mirror reflecting a sun-shower, loomed forth in all the greatness of his own light. Of ladies there was no lack. Some were of well established celebrity; others were decked in costly fabrics to create a celebrity; a third were fair to look upon. The English ladies seemed round of person, buoyant and joyous of soul: the American queens of beauty (their faces sparkling of love and gentleness) moved to and fro, like sylphs of some fairy land, making splendid the scene. The dashing New Yorker, her smiles, unerring arrows, piercing whither she shot them; the vivacious and intelligent daughter of Massachusetts, all sensitive, modest, and graceful; the placid belle of Pennsylvania, whose fair complexion drew upon her all admiration; the bright-eyed Buckeye, with face so oval, than whom none was more coy, nor ever shot a glance or stole a heart so well; the rustic daughter of Down East, who affected great contempt for all superior people, and declared the queen not a whit better than anybody else; the buxom Green-mountain girl, whose motion was as crude as her cheeks were rosy; the New Hampshire prude, lisping, regardless of Murray; the statue-like Baltimorean, with queenly figure and all lovely face, dazzling in her beauty, like a diamond among stones less brilliant; the flirting blonde of Washington; the gracious Virginian, with features so classic and serene; the daisy-like daughter of Connecticut, ever ready to give out her wild unmeasured laugh—all were there. And then there came the imperious Carolinian, whose stately step, Grecian face, dark, languishing eyes, and thoughtful countenance, drew upon her the admiration of many an envious eye. And, to make complete the group, there moved haughtily along the proud Madame of Alabama, affecting the possession of each good and gentle attribute of womankind. She would have us know how much attention she drew upon her while being presented to 'England's queen,' forgetting that it was merely the effect of her badly arranged lace. Indeed, the conclave mingled most socially. My Lady Flippington seemed not above a modest and very sensible condescension to the very level of the vulgar who surrounded her, and whose friendship she seemed to court.

"Citizen Peabody, as much good nature in his broad face as benevolence in his great heart, moved king among his guests, bestowing a smile here, and a cheering word there; but more particularly consoling the old maids, with whom he is a great favorite. No sooner had the genteel waiter announced the readiness of the festive board, than each gallant sought him a fair partner, and filed off in procession, those not fortunate enough to possess such an accompaniment being compelled to bear up with one of their own harder sex. Smooth was among the most fortunate, having succeeded in fettering himself to a Kentucky belle. Down a long, circular stairway, the procession proceeded, inspirited by sweet music, and soon reached a spacious hall, set out with tables stretching along its whole length, and bedecked with the choicest viands, delicately overlaid with fresh-plucked flowers, impregnating the very air with their delicious odors. Indeed they looked more like beds of bright flowers trellised with silver and gold. A din of confused voices resounded throughout the hall as all took seats who could, while not a few added to the confusion by appropriating to themselves the seats of others. Mr. Smooth, being a man of the world, and Mr. Pierce's minister extraordinary, took the best seat he could find, and made himself quite at home. Opposite him loomed out the hard, knotty face of Sir James Muke, who, suffering under the most painful grievance of having been deprived of his seat, so generously provided in a space to the right of the chairman, let loose some very unfashionable and badly moulded oaths. As if this were not enough, Sir James, whose temper had fairly boiled over, and to the great annoyance of less dignified ears than his own, did hurl most indiscriminately at the heads of astonished waiters several oaths less vile, but more pointed. 'Soup! soup!' he demanded impatiently, at the very top of his voice—a voice that sounded like the creaking of a door troubled with a chronic disease. Albeit there was no measuring the latitude Sir James would have allowed his feelings to take in demanding soup, and be-d——mn the astonished servants, had not Lady Constance Caution, who sat all calm at his left, reminded him in softest accents that 'Citizen Peabody always invoked a blessing before he gave soup.' Sir James in response kindly thanked my lady for her timely admonition, listened to the blessing as it fell solemnly upon his ear, bowed and extended his plate as the spontaneous Amen concluded the seemingly anxious moment. Calm but well directed was my lady's rebuke; deeply did it tell upon Sir James, who, more in imitation of Smooth's coarse manners, behaved henceforth with more regard to the feelings of those near him.

"It was now time to discuss the well-ordained set-out of viands. Round after round, the most delicious, came on with that disorder so characteristic of English servants. It will, Uncle Sam, be scarcely necessary for Smooth to add that great skill was displayed in safely depositing the meats and drinks in nature's most appropriate depot. Most cheerfully was it performed to the accompaniment of music, merry laughs, and flashes of well-worn wit: the only discord discoverable, or which could offend delicate ears, being that one or two English Gentlemen, of very polished manners, obstinately refused to be contented with the long list of wines provided by the generous host, and must needs display their cultivated taste by ordering bottles of a name scarce known, assuring the polite landlord that they themselves would pay the shot did Citizen Peabody fail to stand it. Mr. Smooth had not the least objection to this delicate proceeding inasmuch as it illustrated a principle, and contrasted strangely with those much cultivated manners facetious gentlemen who so often waste ink in discoursing upon the vulgarities of Americans would have us fashion from. Wishing, however, these gentlemen may display better manners next time, we must beg the reader's pardon for thus digressing and proceed.

"The meats having laid a very decided foundation upon which to build a tabernacle of joviality, and the nectar adding its exhilarating power in erecting a substratum for the fine work of the festival, it became necessary to top off with spicy speeches, which might indeed be compared to a compound of salt and cream very liberally mixed. From among his guests and great folks Citizen Peabody now rose, somewhat nervous, and with becoming dignity delivered himself of a very piquant speech, the bone and marrow of which was that Americans from home being moved by those sentiments the appearance of things new and strange naturally produce, the sequence was that they looked with an interest divided between reverence and curiosity to see their Minister; such a gratification he was only too happy in being the medium of affording. Nor, when he relieved that worthy representative of a tax his purse could ill bear, did he consider it less than a very agreeable duty. In reply to Citizen Peabody's toast, 'Peace and continued friendship between the peoples of England and the United States,' the guests filled a bumper, and with three hearty cheers let the liquid run down so smoothly. Sir Arthur Coddlecomb's name being coupled with the toast, and that compound of self-importance and bad grammar esteeming himself a great speaker, rose, and relieved himself of what is commonly called a very neat and appropriate speech. To Smooth his mind seemed on a wandering expedition; notwithstanding, he took occasion to refer to that approaching curse—an Eastern war, and also to divest himself of some very fine words, highly complimentary of America. Marked applause followed the speech, and Sir Arthur sat down bowing.

"'The present Lord Mayor!' being drawn into the order of toasts, the individual filling that office, a firmly compacted figure, with well-rounded limbs, and a broad, pleasing face, set off by the addition of a well-lined nose, full intelligent eyes, a brow nicely arched, and organically well-developed, and surmounted with a superstructure of dark, glossy hair, tinged with grey, rose to reply. My lord, in addition to being rather shortish, possessed a countenance indicative of amiability rather than strength of mind or force of character. 'Silence!' echoed and reechoed through the hall, and for a few seconds all was still. Then the badge-bedecked figure, with dignity all sublime, rose to the order. His dark eyes wandered to to the right and left, then over the banqueting scene, and again toward the ladies. Smooth would here say, by way of interrupting his lordship, and for the better information of his readers, that Sir James, becoming somewhat civilized—perhaps he should say tamed,—and made conscious that he confronted Mr. Pierce's special minister, pledged him in numerous glasses, and being now somewhat mellow, cooled away into an all-refreshing nap, during the enjoyment of which he, with unpolished bows, made known his approbation of each happy sentiment contained in the speeches.

"His lordship (the reader must now return) here commenced drawing from the cavities of his deep mind all the nice sayings of which his speech was so beautifully made up. Again he paused, made several gestures with his right hand, declared war upon all obstructing coughs, elongated his importance as never did peacock on a shingle, and proceeded: 'My lords and gentlemen!' Loud and good-natured laughing brought his lordship suddenly to a stop. 'My lord is not in the—', whispered Sir Matthew Moore, who sat all facetious at his lordship's right. Sir Matthew, significantly touching his lordship's elbow, while casting a sly wink across the table, enjoined;—'Fellow citizens and ladies, your lordship!' His lordship's face dispensed a few gorgeous blushes as he hesitated, and with an angular motion of the head, he convicted another cough, and made the very best kind of a bow acknowledging the default. 'Ladies, gentlemen, fellow-citizens!' continued his lordship, not having altogether gained the firm footing of his equilibrium—which, however, was much relieved by sundry well-modulated bravos from the assembly—'I 'ave the 'onor' (his lordship must be pardoned for his onslaught upon the h's) 'in happearing before this respectable body of Hamerican gentlemen hand ladies!—ladies hand gentlemen! (his lordship suddenly corrected himself), let it not be thought that I ham bestowing flattery when I say I esteem it an 'onor which I cannot too highly characterize, and for which I am so deeply indebted to my friend who 'as so long and nobly contributed to the durability of friendly intercourse between the two greatest and most enlightened peoples on earth—the man whom I am compelled to view as the greatest living diplomatist of the hage!' Here the company, with one accord, made a bow, while Sir Matthew interrupted his lordship by whispering, 'Nicholas of All the Russias excepted!' His lordship, with a peremptory glance at Sir Matthew, the meaning of which it was not easy to mistake, continued, somewhat testily:—'I will make no single exception for any such renegade!' Turning to the chairman, he reminded minded him of Sir Matthew's rejoinder, which he assured him he could not consider, unless indeed he sacrificed the high functions of that great office to which the voice of a people true to their traditions, and Providence, had so significantly called him at this all momentous moment—the breaking out of an Eastern war! 'No less surprized than hoverjoyed am I to meet so respectable looking an assemblage of citizens of that great country in the West, which we naturally view as the exponent of true independence, as well as our great hoffspring. Would hi, as the great representative of this city, be saying too much while asserting that in my 'umble opinion no one part of this expansive hearth (great applause) could send forth so respectable and orderly an assemblage of persons.' The ladies here shouted, and waved their handkerchiefs. Having received this distinguished compliment with due dignity, he commenced drawing aside the curtain that we might know more of his early history, which he felt assured in his own mind could not fail to hinterest the citizens of the United States in general, seeing that he belonged not to the 'haristocracy.' (This was received with a perfect explosion of applause.) In the days of his youth, when geographies were made without reference to correctness, and the study of globes was considered equal to the minds of those only who were learned enough to raise the devil, had he been taught from one of those imperfect pasteboards that Hamerica was an immense expanse of forests, inhabited by wild Hindians and curiously formed barbarians. And the impression thus made, he assured Mr. Smooth in particular, had so enrooted itself in his mind that he ever and anon found himself most mysteriously contemplating the want of a state of civilization in that great and glorious country. (Deafening applause). Here his lordship's animation was at the highest pressure; indeed so high was it, that a very respectable gentleman, sitting not far from Smooth, bowed, and suggested that the little Lord Mayor must have mistaken the present company for his dining senate. 'Now,' continued his worship, emphatically, 'nothing could more happily 'ave affected a change in my mind, than the beholding with my own eyes the lovely fair ones and respectable persons here present. To that great country, Hamerica, shall I hereafter look for the noblest results to civilization and mankind. (Cheers). It is now nearly two 'undred years since the foundation stone of that great republic was laid by the immortal Washington.' His lordship's speech was again interrupted by a demonstration of surprise on the part of the audience. He paused a moment, as if questioning the cause. Sir Mathew's aid was again called into service; reminding his lordship that his history was at fault, he added, in a tone most prudent, 'Not yet one hundred, my lord; 1776 marks the date of the declaration of independence.' Thanking Sir Mathew for the kindly hint, he apologized to his hearers, and proceeded. 'One hundred years, then have hardly rolled around, and we find that wonderful country presided over by a commoner—the choice of a free people, who raise him to that proud eminence once every eight years—vieing (here Sir Mathew again interrupted by saying, 'Every four years, my lord!') with the oldest and most powerful nations of Europe. Thanks, Sir Mathew,' interpolated his lordship, rather tartly, turning round. His Honor now proceeded for some time on a rather smooth course, except that he left out a great many h's and put in a great many a's. The great minds of America, he said, had done a world for her greatness. Here he condescended to pay what he was pleased to consider a very deserved compliment to General Flum of New York, whose broad and deeply wrinkled face he espied at the extreme end of one of the long tables, where it loomed up like a careworn lantern amidst a cluster of delicately tinted foliage. America, said his lordship, sought her great men, not from among the effete walks of the haristocracy, from the more legitimate hemisphere—the common walks of life. With a strange elongation of the body did our speaker emphasize the remark. Great men were the gift of an age, and a nation's fortune; and with which he was more than happy to say Hamerica had been blessed—would that his conscience and love of truth would permit him to say as much of his own country! He saw the personification and embodiment of America's great minds in the countenance of his much esteemed friend General Flum, whom his very soul joyed at recognizing present. (We will here add, by way of parenthesis, that the knowing ones of New York had a less exalted opinion of Flum's talent, which had remained hid under a pewter pot, but for General Pierce, who dragged it to the light of day for the purpose of eventually harmonizing his cabinet). Fortunate was it for the welfare of a great country that such men existed; they seemed born to a special purpose, which to him was a medium of conserving and protecting the great international well-being of the two peoples. That purpose was the greatest the world could contemplate in this great age of pounds, shillings, and pence; and with such a mind as he knew General Flum possessed, and the stronger arguments with which the generous host had conciliated all differences international, the two countries were sure to continue in a bond of friendship. To this distinguished compliment our general was pleased to make an approving bow. Again, his honor, in compliment of himself, informed those present that nothing could be more significant of divine will than that at this momentous crisis, when a bloody war was on the eve of hurling its vengeance over Europe, and devastating the nations, he should be called to hadminister those high functions of a nation the duties of his office involved; and, too, when an opportunity would be afforded him of exercising those mental gifts with which God had happily and liberally endowed him. With the full force of this valuable interposition he had not a doubt but that the peace and harmony of the world would again be restored. Nor should her Majesty's ministers ever ask in vain his advice;[*] and, as to the right of impeaching them, he would tenaciously reserve that to himself on all occasions. Whenever they evinced want of hexperience, his knowledge of hintricate questions and mystifying diplomacy should always be at their disposal. A single flourish more, his face glowing earnest, and the little great man proposed (having reiterated that great men were the gift of an age!) 'The great minds of America!' This inspiring sentiment he coupled with the name of General Plum, and sat down amidst a shower of very good-natured applause.

[Footnote: His Honor recently brought forward in the Board of Aldermen a resolution having for its object the impeachment of Lord Aberdeen and his cabinet.]

"This compliment, as the vulgar say, took Plum all aback. He rose in all the dignity of a Pierce diplomatist; his face brightened, conscious of merit; his tall loose figure elongated; he mastered several very ill-positioned coughs, and with glances very congressional, as if seeking a reportorial eye, spoke as modern politicians mostly do when President-making. But before Smooth proceeds to transcribe the elements of his speech, some description of his person may be necessary; in truth, he hears the reader demanding it. Flum is a long-jointed man, tall and coarse of figure, has a broad inexpressive face, with a spacious mouth and thin lips, disclosing irregular and discolored teeth; to which is added a sharp, projecting chin, prominent cheek bones, lazy grey eyes, deeply sunken under narrow arches slightly fringed with short, sprouting, reddish hairs, and a thin high bridged nose, forming a curvature on the ridge, and twisted to the left at an angle of some twenty-two degrees. This singular deformity of the nasal organ arose from the fact of its having been in contact with the hard hand of a pugilistic congressman; at least so went report. To those exhibiting nice taste for the appearance of our political gentry, we would say that the general, not at all like Smooth, added to the beauty of his personel a low, reclining forehead, superstructed with bright crispy hair, that stood confused all over his head, and gave him the appearance of having been chased by some infuriated bull. Of the general's general estimation of his own capacity, Smooth is sure the reader will not impose a penalty so far beyond his humble capacity as that of finding within this narrow world of ordinary presumption anything with which to compare it successfully. Having had many misfortunes in his upward career of political life, which was singularly marked with disappointments, notwithstanding he had lent forcible aid in making many a President, he never has permitted the strongest opinion of his own talent to die out from his mind; and now that that well-cultivated opinion is made stronger by the all-important verdict of his eloquent worship, how can he resist the real proof of his being a much-neglected great man? 'Mr. Chairman, and fellow citizens!' ejaculated Flum, nervously. 'My friend, the Lord Mayor, has paid a well and much deserved compliment to our country, our country's institutions, and our country's great minds. So, far, ladies and gentlemen, as that compliment applies to myself, I may or may not have deserved it; delicacy and reserve are always the noblest attributes of great men. But—and with all due deference to those accomplished gentlemen of England do I say it—it is to the democratic character of our institutions that we owe the usefulness of those great minds, as reflected in our country's greatness. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the democracy!—'

"Here Flum was interrupted by Sam Spooner from Boston, who sat at his left, and with a gentle touch on the arm, reminded him in a careless whisper, that Citizen Peabody, although a very unostentatious man, was no democrat; nor was it certain the ladies would all be inclined to father his adoption.

"Flum, somewhat nonplused, allowed a smile of endurance to invade his broad inexpressive face, and rejoined with what he was pleased to consider very nice wit. 'If Citizen Peabody,' said he, 'be not an independent democrat I am exceedingly sorry for it—nothing more being required to make him a perfect man!' At this the company set up one of the very best-natured laughs ever rung out of human organs. Flum, not comprehending its meaning, continued, ere it had subsided—'I hold nothing more imperative than that our generous host, Citizen Peabody, should at once declare his intention of not only becoming a round, sound democrat, but joining the Young American party; which will in truth be a more forcible proof of the purely democratic spirit of that diplomacy he has so worthily founded, and which can now claim so many happy results as its offspring. No system of diplomacy heretofore established has been so redolent of influences tending to strengthen the bonds of international amity; for, indeed, meats and drinks are all-powerful.' Here some indifference was manifested on the part of the English aristocracy present, which, causing a momentary suspension of the speech, produced a very unexpected calm, much to the astonishment of Flum's own dear self. 'Well, I apprehends the gist on't—democracy don't go down, no way, this side the big pond. But, if John is old, and has got his noddle so full of antiquated nonsense that he can't get an idea into his head suited to the exigencies of the times, democracy, with its all-elevating power, will stand by him, give him new sinners to sustain himself, and carry him through those struggles aristocracy has not nerve to surmount.' (Cheers). Having literally illustrated every beauty to which democracy was heir, wasted several well-constructed and not badly directed compliments on General Pierce's patriotism, called upon those present to come boldly out and imitate Young America in all his go-ahead proficiencies, Flum turned to his worship, on which wonderful embodiment of statesmanship and experience he intended to return the compliments that functionary had so flatteringly bestowed. As disappointments will occur, even with the greatest of men, so did Flum find himself totally inadequate to the discharge of this duty. There was, however, a responsibility resting upon him, which he must, considering that it touched that which was an honor to England and the English nation, discharge. It was, that he had to congratulate old England on the possession of such men as his Worship—men born to the exigencies of an age, and in whose charge the distracted affairs of Europe, now threatening the peace of nations, would be sure to find a satisfactory solution. Here his honor made a most appropriate bow in acknowledgment, while a few gentlemen, rather loquaciously disposed, smiled and Miss Mapplebank, from Arkansas, covered her face with her white handkerchief. It was evident to all present that the two greatest men of the two greatest countries had met on a great international platform (the banqueting table), and as the exchange of verdicts upon the capacity of each other only served to make stronger the opinion they had always entertained of themselves, everyone present was ready to throw up his or her hat in compliment of a discovery which must reflect to the great good of nations in general. Flum ended his speech, the mediums had met; international unity was perfect. Mr. Peabody bowed, the great men signified their acknowledgment, the company rose as the general made his last flourish and wiped the sweat from his brow, and all adjourned in the very happiest phase of good humor. Smooth being somewhat modest, and always bashful when in the presence of ladies, did not make his speech until they had left. It may be well to say that Mr. Smooth's speech was gracefully responded to by Citizen Peabody, who expressed himself delighted, and had no doubt but that in the care of Mr. Smooth, General Pierce would make an unexceptional President. After this, gentlemen feeling very jolly, we all adjourned to the gorgeously furnished hall up stairs, where we joined the ladies, partook of most delicious coffee, enjoyed many happy salutations and cordial greetings. The Lord Mayor and Flum having embraced in style truly Roman, and pledged themselves over a cup of coffee, never to lose sight of their own greatness, nor to forget the beneficence of that all-wise Providence that had called them into being to struggle with the great events of the age, the company dispersed homeward, delighted to the very heart. If there was one who did not feel a glow of satisfaction, admonishing him, as he wended his way homeward, to lend his influence for the maintenance of that mutual good feeling which should exist between Englishmen and Americans—between nations so kindred in spirit, and whose interests radiated from a common centre, he must have belonged to a class Smooth would not deign to designate. Citizen George would that England and America shook hands, remained friends, and left the gunpowder and big-word business entirely to newspapers and small politicians of the Pierce stamp.