"'Well, gents!' rejoined I, 'if you do brown that old fellow this season I'll knock under. However, don't be bashful about extending Smooth an invitation to breakfast: understand, he is rather fond of a good fish hash, which he thinks it is the profession of your French cook to do up.'

"'Lord bless you!' quickly interrupted Uncle Jeff, 'being a good Down-east democrat, your wish shall be gratified.' Then in great good nature he told me just to step along, and a little further into the dark smoke I'd find Grandpapa Marcy and Uncle Dib, exerting their wondrous energies over a stew they were puzzled to get to the right substance. Knowing that their good advice was much better as example than the result of their actions, I wended my way along, leaving Guth and Jeff to their frying, and soon came upon the two old worthies, busily employed over stews of the most incomprehensible ingredients. 'That,' spoke Grandpapa Marcy, as I approached within hearing distance, 'is the real democratic stew, it will cement hard shells and soft shells into one strong conglomerate mass.' He pointed to a punch-bowl held between their legs—(for they were seated on the floor)—and containing a mixture they stirred with spoons containing the Tammany-hall mark. For some time I stood contemplating the venerable appearance of these two, nor could I resist a smile at the singular occupation they had so readily adopted. Uncle Dib seemed happy, and evidently had a keen sense of what the consistency of the stew must be to make the flounder palatable. Grandpapa's countenance, nevertheless, wore an air of deep anxiety. He had undertaken the management of the most unruly set of cooks that ever infested the kitchen of a respectable gentleman; and they had made a shocking mess. And, too, Grandpapa, was unhappy; his clothes bore seedy marks, and his breeches were in such a plight—it really excited our pity. I called his attention to an unmentionable rent in a conspicuous place, but he seemed careless about it—said it was of no consequence—and that Uncle Sam was a good old soul, and always paid the tailor—he knew from experience. Suddenly I heard the formidable negro-wench raising her voice in admonition. She was scolding the General, who still kept stirring in the homony grits for the black pig. Then a noise came through the foam and smoke as of one in trouble. 'Faster, faster!' it spoke, 'stir in more grits!' Then followed a loud splash and a deathlike shriek; alarm and consternation spread throughout the building. From the cauldron came the cry. Grandpapa moved for a moment, as was his custom, declared the voice to be no other than that of the General himself. Dib agreed ('There's trouble!' he exclaimed) and both sprang to their feet, and with anxious countenances hastened to the rescue, Marcy crying out, as he passed Jeff and Guth, 'Stick by the flounder, boys! Stand firm; don't give in until he's well cooked; we'll save the General—you dig in the basting.' The boys, as Grandpapa called them, were crowding the charcoal finely. Always having a taste for seeing what was going on, I kept close at Dib's heels, and soon saw through the grim smoke where the trouble was. The black pig had got the General poised by the nether part of his breeches, on his Virginia horn, and was having a nice little game of shuttle-cock with him, just for his own amusement, while his executive victim shrieked most piteously, expecting every succeeding surge would land him beneath the surface of the boiling mass. The old nigger wench had fainted at the sight, and lay sprawled on the floor, as Marcy, making a grab at Mr. Pierce's breeches at a moment when the savage brute was giving a last vault ere he landed his victim into the scalding homony, tripped his toe and brought his length upon the floor beneath the pig's hind legs. 'It's all gone!' exclaimed the General; and in another minute nothing was seen save the soles of his boots protruding above the boil-surface. The surly brute, having generously moistened Grandpapa Marcy's head, stood, his fore-feet on the rim of the cauldron, gazed after his struggling victim, and held his head high aloft in triumph. This brought Uncle Dib to the rescue. After raising Grandpapa, with limbs extended, they drew forth the half-cooked body, reeking with the black pig's swill, and laid it on the kitchen floor, the ungrateful quadruped walking victoriously away. Satisfied that I had seen enough for one day, I sought my way back to the National, where I contemplated the next move necessary to my mission.



CHAPTER VIII.

MR. SOLOMON SMOOTH TAKES A FISH BREAKFAST.

"Well, Uncle Sam, I reckoned I'd seen enough of the kitchen arrangements; so I left them scraping the General—that is, getting off the injured outside, in order to see what really he was made of, and what he had beneath the undefinable cover. When in Washington, there's nothing like going ahead; and if you can look a man into respect for you, so much the better. Dignitary or no dignitary won't do; you must always profess to be a distinguished individual. Well, on the strength of the invitation extended by Jeff—to take a fish breakfast on the following morning, when it was expected the flounder would be done brown, I again repaired to the White House, and after pushing my way through all kinds of passages and doorways, found myself in a gorgeous sort of establishment.

"'Your lookin for somethin, I take it?' said a trim figure, whose face rather bordered on the brassy.

"'Well! I reckon I am. Can you tell a stray citizen where the General hangs out in the morning?' I replied, as he confronted me and paused.

"'Sartin!' he rejoined, interrupting me, and at the same time looking very sociable, as if he wanted to have a talk on politics. Nevertheless, it was getting close upon the hour of breakfast; so he takes me by the arm, and stepping through a frickazeed passage up to a large door which opened into a ponderously furnished room, 'I'll take your card, sir!' continued he, with a low bow and a motion of the hand to sit down.

"Didn't have a card at hand, but chalked down Mr. Solomon Smooth, from Cape Cod, on a piece of thick paper per, that suited all the purposes.

"'Mr. Smooth belongs to the Young American party, if I mistake not?' he returned, with a polite bow.

"'You better believe that, citizen!' says I, and off he goes, soon disappearing through a door at the other end of the room. While he was gone, I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a survey of the premises. So, lighting my cigar, I began at the top end first. Such looking-glasses, sofas, carpets—so much fashion and flummery, that nobody could tell what utility it contained, I never had seen before. Tell you what it is, Uncle Sam, we have an expensively queer way of representing our republican simplicity! As I was squinting about, in comes the General, looking as bright as a newly-coined cent. Running up to me, with hand extended, and exulting with joy, he spake: 'Great kingdom, Smooth!—is it you?' And then he shaked my hand as if he never would let it go.

"''Tis me too!' says I, giving him a significant touch on the elbow. 'Didn't expect to see you looking so bright, General—rather a bad kettle of fish that you unfortunately got into yesterday, eh?'—

"'Oh no—things like those are mere trifles; hardly worth mentioning amidst the current turmoil of the day. That black pig is an ungrateful brute, though, I must confess in confidence,' the General replied, touching me on the arm.

"'He sunk you in the very swill you were cooking for him, eh?—petulant brute!' I rejoined.

"'Well, Smooth,' said he, 'don't let us say any more about that; I was deceived—most egregiously! How are all the Young Americans down your way—the real go-ahead stripe?' he inquired anxiously: and we both laughed heartily to see one another. 'They're all bright ends up, General,' said I. 'General!' (I touched him on the shoulder) ''taint more nor three years since we used to go fishing in old Sam Peabody's pond; hain't forgot it, I reckon?'

"'Not I, Smooth. Give us yer hand for old acquaintance sake! No change of power or circumstances could make me forget old associations. Fortune may change, my feelings never; they have been and shall always be with the people.' The General couldn't keep the dignity on, to save his life; he was not born to do so!

"'Give us yer hand, General,' I demanded in reply; 'right glad to see you, and to know that old New Hampshire's granite hills have not faded from your memory, nor been absorbed in the quantity of swill it seems necessary to provide for the black-pig. But, I say, Frank, what harlequin-like changes politics take in a republic—now and then! Two years ago, and who'd a' thought a' seeing you here? 'Stonished you yourself, didn't it? Scarcely expected to brush old General Scott's fuss and feathers into a cock'd up hat, eh? There's nothing like a man keeping his mouth shut when he's got others to do the fighting for him; you know that, don't you, General?'

"'Mr. Smooth is always asking some strange questions, or making some queer observation!'

"'Now, General, I reckon how you didn't get the hang of this 'ere establishment all on a sudden? Seems to me how I'd like to be President of these United States about two months, merely to have the satisfaction of straightening the cross-grain of political parties; they have got so so crooked now-a-days.' The President just then said he would take my hat, and hoped I make myself quite at home. As everything seemed so comfortable, I had not the slightest objection. 'Now, Smooth,' he reiterated, spreading his length on a magnificent sofa, 'I am anxious to hear how the Young American party progresses down your way; and you must tell me all about it. I intend to give you a roving commission as my minister in general.'

"'I'll do that,' I replied, and just when I was getting the story fixed square, he interrupted me by saying—'One moment, Mr. Smooth; we are going to have a flounder breakfast—it's the same old fellow you saw Uncle Jeff and Guth cooking yesterday morning,—they've got him pretty well browned—You must join us.'

"'Well,—have no objection; but tell us, General, how is the missus?'

"'Right well, Smooth; she'll be delighted to see you.'

"'And so will I to see the missus; I know'd her when she warn't bigger nor Cousin Obadiah's Jane, and didn't think no more about being Mrs. President of these United States nor my missus.' In answer to which, the General said a respectable man might as well be President as anything else—we all know how to be. Here we joined arms, and like jolly fellows of a stripe, took a few turns up and down the apartment. 'Well! here's pure democracy,' thought I to myself. Taking Mr. President Pierce's arm doubled my independence—made me feel that I was the left wing of his brightest hope. Having talked over a few small matters of foreign policy, we sauntered together into one of the largest, and longest, and handsomest breakfast rooms this side of Texas. A table of great length stretched across its centre, upon which was arranged in profusion, Georgia potatoes, New Hampshire bacon, Virginia oysters and fried eels, South Carolina rice cakes, and Cape Cod fish balls—all strong incentives to the stomach of a hungry politician. Trim waiters stood round, like statues tailored and anxiously waiting a guest's nod. As I cast a bird's eye glance down the scene, in popped the General's missus, all calm, and with an air of motherly gentleness that inspired me with lofty reflections on woman's mission. As she approached with her hand extended, and such a sweet smile on her face, I could not resist a salutation thus earnest, and grasping it, gave it a good, warm-hearted shake. She said great was her joy at seeing Mr. Smooth—plain Solomon Smooth. She could not feel more joy were I an Emperor—no not even were I a governor of Hungary, who, having lost the chance of winning a diadem, would Uncle Sam lent him aid to regain it. In another minute the gong sounded, the great doors at the opposite end of the hall opened, a train of serious-faced gentry entered, and as unceremoniously took seats. Mr. Smooth being put down number one, took a seat beside the missus. After a blessing had been dispensed, the conversation turned on politics and potatoes. A potent-looking individual, who sat not far down the table, said the Union was known by its magistracy, which being an established fact, should make it incumbent that no chief of this great and growing nation leave the federal chair unmarked by some bold stroke. 'Good!' says I, 'Smooth always went in for bold strokes—they are just the things to make outsiders knock under—' Here I was just getting up to make a speech on behalf of manifest destiny, when a gent who ought to have been voted into the army as a regular cried out:—'Keep cool! keep cool! Mr. Smooth.'

"Scarcely had he ceased speaking, when Uncle Caleb Grandpapa Marcy, Cousin Guth, and good-natured Uncle Dib, and the grindstone-man, Fourney,—all dressed in bright aprons, and white ghost-like night-caps—made their appearance, tugging and puffing at a hand-bier, on which lay the much-talked-of flounder. Jeff, who walked in front with a drawn sword, wheezed, and Grandpapa grunted, and Dib said, 'Carry a steady hand, boys!' and Guth said he would bear up his part, which was the tail part. Staggering along under the load, they brought forth in solemn procession the flounder, and after a good deal of bad diplomacy, laid him, like a stuffed whale, on the table. The General was not quite certain about the catch of this flounder; but as there was nothing like having a dash at things now-a-days,—'here's go into it!' he exclaimed. 'I don't believe that fish is cooked enough,' retorted John Littlejohn, a statesman of very elastic capacity, who spoke for Uncle Bull, on t'other side of the big pond.

"Looking as if he were about making a longe into him, hit or miss, the General seizes up the big carving-knife (generally used by Grandpapa Marcy) and asks who will have the first bit? The pall-bearers, still retaining their bright aprons and white caps, had taken seats at the table, among the guests. 'It's all for me!' mumbles a sullen voice; no one knew from whence it came. 'It's all for me!—who are you?' reiterated Mr. Pierce, kicking under the table: 'I believe in my soul it's the black pig, who always pursues unto the death what he considers his!' True enough, there the savage brute was, lashing everybody's legs, and threatening destruction with his wicked mouth. No one knew how he got into the dining-room; but where the good Uncle Sam had anything to eat or give, there he was sure to be, demanding more than his share. After a hard tussle, Grandpapa and Uncle Caleb succeeded in driving him out of the room; albeit, it was only for a time. The unsatisfied animal was always keeping Uncle Sam in a fuss, and the folks about the White House in an uproar. 'That critter is always crying 'Me first!' rejoined Uncle Caleb, who, having lost his white cap in the tussle with the black pig, looked funny indeed.

"'A Cuba flounder!' exclaims the General, who continued to work diligently, his face flushed as crimson, but I as yet he had failed to secure the first slice. It was evident he had made a stroke too bold, and would now be compelled to draw back a little—perhaps to take a few more lessons in the diplomacy of carving. And while the General was trying to get the knife into the neck part, the critter opened its mouth, and gasping looked as if it thought some of swallowing a whole cabinet of philibusteroes.

"'The brute ain't cooked yet—if it don't open its mouth!' proclaimed the General, the hair almost standing on his head, as he reclined back in fright.

"'The critter's going to be generous, I do believe!' chimed in Grandpapa, whose white cap, during the moment of excitement, had fallen over into Mrs. Dobbin's plate; from whence that good-natured lady, in the moment of anxiety, removed it to her lap, and ere she had been served found it near her pretty lips, under the mistaken impression of its being a napkin. Grandpapa, discovering his loss, politely developed the dear lady's mistake.

"'Tell you what it is General; you'll have to be mighty careful, or that Cuba flounder will swallow all the shiners in Uncle Sam's brass box without yielding anything in exchange,' I insinuated.

"'Not a bit on't!' says Uncle Jeff, going off into a state of excitement: 'Just lend me the carver; I'll put him through;' and seizing the knife from Mr. Pierce's hand, and the steel from Grandpapa's, he was just on the point of making a thrust into the fish, when his mouth again expanded, his fins fluttered, and out came a long roll of paper. 'What on earth is that?' inquired the astonished General, as Jeff unconsciously let the knife fall in fright, and Grandpapa gave an anxious look toward the door, as if to measure the distance between it and his chair,—while John Littlejohn applying his glass to his eyes, squinted seriously at it. 'He's not just done enough for you yet, gentlemen; I think you had better let him stand awhile,' remarks our Cousin John, rather coolly. 'You cannot republicanize him, unless you change his head and heart; I can tell you that, my good fellows.'

"Uncle Jeff, at Grandpapa's bidding, took up the roll of paper, the text of which Mr. Pierce requested him to read. 'A protest, your Excellency!' said Jeff, the paper vibrating in his nervous hand. 'It says, this is to notify Brother Jonathan, that the extreme largeness of his appetite, insatiate in its demands for my body, shall never be gratified therewith. You are far-seeing, have grown powerful, and are rather a good sort of fellow, Jonathan; but I'm not quite ready to say I should prefer either to belong to your household or provide your table with dainty dishes. The fact is, Jonathan, and you know it, when disposed to think on the square, we are not prepared to denounce our league loyalty and come over to you; common sense might have convinced you of this fact. The world protests against your forcing propensities in this little affair between us. For more than two centuries have I remained at peace; let me so continue. I admit that kings, queens, and courtiers, have feasted on my fatlings, and even discomfited me, and caused much discontent among my people; but even they would rather bear the ills that be than fall victims to your black pig's will.'

"'Well!' interrupted Uncle Jeff, looking suspiciously about the table, 'if he ain't the toughest old flounder I ever did see!'

"'Shouldn't be surprised if you found it so!' replied the fish, his spacious jaws opening, and the end of another parchment slowly protruding from his mouth. 'Read that! I must get somebody to help me to eject this instrument.' The General wrested it from its mouth, turned it over and over, and tried and retried to read it. 'It's a protest from John, my Uncle, John Bull and Johnny Crappo, which says:—'We, the said John and Louis, having entered into a sublime alliance with our sublime brother of the East, by which one great and mighty power has been concentrated, do humbly beg Mr. President Pierce (for whom we now have and ever hope to entertain the very highest esteem) that he take heed how he dips his fingers into other people's political pies. And, further, while exhibiting so earnest a desire to appropriate the choicest delicacies of his neighbors to the cravings of his black pig, to be a little more modest. Now, we, the undersigned Louis and John, whose names—in alliance have become mightiest among the mighty, are duly convinced of the many inconsistencies, irregularities, and breaches of good faith, together with the many petty acts of tyranny, the mother of this Antilla flounder has been guilty of, to her own disgrace. But greatness should be known by its forbearance with the weak; hence we should bear and forgive. Yea, we admit that her footprints are marked with blood—that her history has numberless pages written in blood—that her arrogance and avarice have blotted out her national virtue, and now work like a battering-ram her downfall. Yet, as arrogance is but another name for weakness, is it not better to brush off than kill the wasp? The principle herein contained we have, in the sublimity of our power, adopted as an example to the nations of the earth. Jonathan! we like your amiability; we esteem you as a keen fellow, who, large of trade, and wise in the ways of a cheap government, may well boast a happy people: bridle, then, the audacity of that southern ambition, lest it betray you into unforseen difficulties. Let peace be the guardian of that commerce now teeming its grandeur and wealth on your shores; and in all kindness, Mr. Pierce, do we speak, when we say,—look to those things you send into foreign lands to represent the quiet grandeur of our institutions: send the gentleman whose conduct may be a means to great ends, for ruffians leave their little stains behind.''

"'Well!' exclaimed the General, his large square face reddening with anxiety, as he turned to Uncle Dib and Grandpapa, 'I should call this the insolence of sublime power. Let them try their sublime power on this side of the Atlantic!' Here the General gave his head a significant toss, and wiped his lips as he added,—'Young America can whip the three.' This pithy speech being received with great applause, he reached over his hand, and was about taking mine, when I warmly embraced his, saying—'Give me you yet, General! Messrs. John, Louis & Co., having consolidated their sublime power, must not entertain the idea of making a menace over here. We have no means of questioning the legitimate qualities of this sublime joint-stock company; but we would advise its keeping decidedly cool about matters this side of the big water, lest its stock get to a very low-water mark. This old flounder, nevertheless, is a hard case for cooks, nor in my opinion will he be made softer by that celebrated French cook of yours, whose process is that of too suddenly piling on the charcoal. In fact, I believe it not untrue that in political cooking a Frenchman is more a man of muss than method. This you, General, might have known before you engaged him to cater for Spanish appetites. In truth, (it must be told now and then, General), that black pig you so fondly nurse, and which you can neither tame nor make grateful, is sacrificing us to his poisonous litter. And, too, he is dividing his own pen; and when pigs become divided among themselves, refuse to eat out of one trough, and threaten to devour each other, they are sure to become an easy prey to the bore of fractional sovereignity.' With the exception of the General, all listened attentively while I spoke: he, exhibiting little concern, arose with the calmness of moonlight, and was about to make some remarks, as the flounder again opened wide his mouth, which produced a pause. 'You are right,' joined in the flounder; 'that black pig's love of territorial feasts knows no bounds, nor will he stop at that point where justice sets the limit; he will continue his insatiate trade until common sense and generous sentiment interpose and exterminate him. Here is another paper for you—read it! It is the protest of the people of free, enlightened, and happy New England: they protest against being swallowed up in your black pig's bowels!' Again the flounder mechanically closed its mouth.

"'And my old governor across the water will not view with indifference this black brute's ever-threatening disturbances. He watches long, waits patiently, moves cautiously, but enters upon the execution of his plans with monstrous method,' interrupted Littlejohn, who spoke on behalf of his nation, and for the status quo of nationalities in general.

"'I say, neighbor,' rejoins Mr. Sam Blowaway, a leader of the national Young American party, 'pears how, if your old chap over there attempts that game, he'll get himself boots deep into a scrape he'll not find it so easy to claw out on.' And Sam got right up, and looked brimstone at him, straight across the table.

"'I'm methodical, but not easily repulsed: impulsive acts do not constitute valor,' returned John, rising coolly and dispassionately.

"'Grandpapa Marcy now got up to say a word or two, but Mr. Pierce had the floor, and demanded—Order! Order, gentlemen!—Order in the White House! My boys want to get me into trouble, but I feel that I can yet regulate my own household!' he rejoined, with a peremptory tone that excited surprise.

"'Yes,' replied the flounder; 'I say so too. If you do not keep quiet, and live in harmony among yourselves, I will be the means of swallowing you.' Just at this moment the black pig, with savage grunt, bounded fearlessly into the room and upon the table, where he confronted the flounder with open mouth, overturned the table, smashed all the crockery and pewter, made the uproar and confusion complete. The pig and flounder fell upon each other, wrestled among the wreck, nor ceased until, like Kilkenny cats, they had nearly devoured their substance. Such a chaos of excitement as followed! Grandpapa and Uncle Jeff ogled one another in fear and trembling, women fainted in the arms of gallant men; the General, covered with fish gravy, cut the more sorry figure, as with thunderstruck countenance he raised his hands to protest to the nation. Meanwhile the guests suddenly disappeared, and Grandpapa seriously damaged the broad disc of his unmentionables; while Uncle Caleb, shaking his sides with laughter, stood his comely figure in the doorway, the thumb of his right hand to his nasal organ, and his fingers making five angles, quizzing the General in his dilemma. Esteeming it rather an ugly situation for Mister President Pierce, for whose dignity I had a special regard, I picked myself up, made an apology, bowed myself to the great door, and left the General to his pig. 'What a mess you have made of it!' thought I, and straightaway ascended the cupola to watch the nation's emotion.



CHAPTER IX.

MR. SMOOTH CIRCUMNAVIGATES THE GLOBE.

"When the nations of Europe give themselves up to the sword, let us aggrandize ours with the arts of peace. This is my talisman. In that commerce which is our nation's pride there is more of greatness than war can give, more of power than armaments can command. It would be well, Uncle Sam, if you pondered over this; because, having your pockets well lined, war could supply numberless valiant sons ready to do the emptying of them. This was a private opinion, which forced itself upon my mind as I (having received a commission as minister in general to Mr. Pierce) engaged passage in a spacious balloon, with which to navigate this little globe of ours, and report here and there on the condition of our international difficulties. Indeed, some of those difficulties required looking after. And as no man should permit his dignity to take the upward turn when a penny may be turned, I reckoned on turning what I learned to the very best account. That you spend your money very foolishly, Sam, is as true as sunrise; but more than that, you intrust your honor (which is more precious than your gold) to those who are seen abroad only to misnomer us. To counteract this state of things is the primary object of my mission round the globe.

"This I was anxious to impress on General Pierce; but he seemed to have a wavering bump on his head, and not seeing his way clear, came to the peculiar conclusion that Mr. Smooth had a very novel head, full of novel notions. But he told me, by way of becoming enlightened on the affairs of other nations, to keep a bright look-out, note down the items, and see where we could turn the go-ahead of our people to account. As most of our small disputes were with Mr. John Bull, who was prone to keep open any quantity of very vexatious questions, Mr. Pierce thought it good policy to make John Littlejohn a fellow voyager with me. It was not a bad idea, seeing that Mr. Pierce had an inward hatred of the Britishers, nor thought a war with them would be the most unpopular thing in the world, inasmuch as it would attach to him the Young American party, which said party might in gratitude render good service to his re-election. Upon this principle Littlejohn's company was acceptable; and when he joined me at the National we had a social bit of a chat together about the matter. John was not a bad fellow when once you knew how to take him, but he had qualities of character which at times seemed at variance with what he would have us believe were his straightforward principles. It was this trait of character, at times defying analysis, we had to treat with most care, lest unconsciously it embroil us. My friend Palmerston might without prejudice be taken as an excellent representative of this unfortunate trait. 'Now,' says John, in a methodical sort of way, 'there are, to be honest, (and acts will prove the truth of a principle), two great pirates in the world. You know that, Smooth, just as well as I do.'

"'No I don't,' says I.

"'But you do!' he returns. 'There's your Uncle Sam: he will steal all territory adjoining his dominions,—in a good-natured sort of way, merely to work out the problem of manifest destiny. As for my old gentleman, Uncle John, why he has a dignified way of doing things, always plays the part of a bold gentleman, and when he joins a kingdom it is with a modesty so quiet and genteel. You needn't shake your head, Smooth,—such are facts; nevertheless, they are both tenacious of their rights—a national trait of great value,—and will shed a river of human blood to gain a very small point on paper. Like two great gamblers, they are opposed to the principle of give and take, standing steadfastly by the take. Once they were father and son—thus, the inheritance may be pardoned; and when they quarrelled it was not to be expected the son would relinquish the traits so paternally bestowed. Now the parent is obstinate and the son 'cute; but the son has an eccentricity that prompts him to outwit. Not unfrequently the father lets the son—just for peace sake—have his own way; but this letting him have his own way has inclined his heart rather to the ungrateful than otherwise. His demands are at times somewhat funny, and when made known surprise a world. And now that they are so firmly and extensively identified with each other in pursuits of the noblest character, would it not be a sin to quarrel?' Thus spoke John, very complacently.

"As he got through, the negro produced some liquor, piping hot. To be good-natured, and keep cool, is one-half the battle; and to move those very desirable traits of our nature, we put a hot punch a-piece into the mentality of the inner man, smoked a couple of long nines, bowed compliments, and packed up our duds for the voyage. There was a great gathering where the balloon was blowing up; but Mr. John Littlejohn and me walked cordially down and took our seat, bundled in our traps, and sung out, 'Cut away the strings, and let her go!' I said I would steer for Uncle Sam, and John said he would steer for Mr. Bull; so, not feeling inclined to quarrel about the point, and knowing full well that the mother of constitutional governments (some facetiously called her the mother of constitutional incongruities) always liked to have the first trick at the wheel, we tossed coppers—after the fashion of good-natured diplomatists, when a large stake is at issue. 'John!' I enjoined, 'let us keep calm, and put the point to a test that never fails!' Here I gave him one of those pats on the shoulder so impressive, and pulled out a double-headed cent, like unto those so much in use in General Jackson's time, when shaving decapitated the deposits he found himself mounted on the back of a brass jackass. 'Here!' I continued—'Heads, I win; tails, you lose.' To come the sharp over him in a more square sort of way, I gave him an unmoved look straight in the eye, as I twirled up the copper.

"'I'll take the chance,' ejaculated John, and down came the other head. His countenance, you may be assured, wore a singular seriousness. The truth was, that John always had one strong idea in his head, and made a strong effort to keep that one straight, to the sacrifice of all the rest. Acting upon that axiom that so stimulated the wood-sawyer who expected to be President of the United States in a very few years, we cut away the fastenings, and having ascended high among the clouds, sailed from the mist heavenward to the blue arch above. Our position was not the most firm; but as Young America had the helm, and rather courted than feared danger, the result could not be doubted. Now and then Mr. John looked somewhat stern of countenance, and turned pale when I crowded the charcoal. 'Be careful, Smooth,' he lisped now and then, grasping my arm as he took a look below—'Be careful; you know what a go-ahead sort of lot you are. Your party would think nothing of going to the d——l, if it were only with steam power.' It was indeed a dangerous position for large men with small ideas; but as Young America was a small man with large ideas, the case became reversed. Well, we headed square for California, and proceeded at lightning speed, fast overtaking that old slow coach of refulgent light that has made sentimental the wild wisdom of the poet-world. Soon old Jacob's face loomed out upon its broad disc, looking as good-natured as a Dutchman over a pot of lager beer. My friend John seemed rather moody and dogged; however, we soon got within hailing-distance; and having provided myself with a speaking-trumpet—John having forgot his—I esteemed it good policy to, in a social way, have a small quantity of talk with Jacob, who, although a common sort of person, I felt assured must be well posted on matters and things concerning manifest destiny. We were running bow on, and at the moment I seized the trumpet for a blow, Jacob sung out—'Good morning!' just like a free and easy citizen, who had sense enough to be approached at any time without walling himself up in the dignity of that thing called a duke. His voice was like thunder, with reechoes for accents. 'Mind your helm!—you steer rather wild, there!' he spoke.

"'Old feller! don't get into a pucker; there's not a mite of danger,' I returned. 'Just hold up a little, and let us have a bit of a talk!'

"'Well, don't mind if I do,' good-naturedly returned the old man. So we hooked on to his establishment,—laid her aback in the wind, and, as the sailor would say, 'came to.'

"'Who are you, anyhow?' continued Jacob, getting up and shaking himself.

"'Well, I'm Young America (Jacob shook his head, doubtfully, at the name) and my friend here, is Cousin John, from across the water. We are going to take a view of state affairs around this little globe of ours, that we may report to General Pierce in particular.'

"'Then you're from the States down yonder?' rejoined the old man.

"'Just so!'

"'Ah,—go-ahead fellers down there, they are! But they've got to mind their moves just about this time.'

"'Seeing it's you, Jacob,—and knowing that you must be worn down with toil, s'pose we strike a trade in a small sort of way?' Jacob shook his head, and replied:

"'Like your folks for their masterly energies, but rather not trade.'

"'That won't do, old fellow: you must come out on the new principles of civilizations. Who knows that we may make an arrangement to annex your little establishment to these United States! Young America has, you see, yet to fulfil the functions of manifest destiny.'

"'Don't, pray don't, bring your Young America about my dominions!' he exclaimed, interrupting just as John Littlejohn was about to speak.

"John spoke, inquiring if his preferences were not for him? He knew old Jacob would like to annex his dominions to Great Britain, seeing that he carried out his annexation in a quiet sort of way. Jacob laughed right out—laughed irresistibly; laughed as if he meant it for something. 'To be honest with you, gentlemen, and I know you'll excuse me for being out-spoken,—I want nothing to do with either of you. You'll both steal territory; and as for you, Young America, take a word of honest advice—be contented with what has honestly fallen to you, covet not that which is thy neighbor's, but improve what thou hast of thine own. At the same time, take particular care how thou sail in this very lofty atmosphere. Your manifest destiny may fall into martyrdom.'

"'That's right good advice, Uncle,' said I, (interrupting him), but it would be better it did not smack so strong of that fogyism whose obstinate policy won't let the progress of those United States come out. Anyhow, Jacob, seeing that you have got such a nice stock of territory, dotted with fascinating hills and plains, upon which good speculations can be made in starting a speculation in churches, as has become the fashion, doing a little in the tin business, laying a few railroads, and building up factory villages, we must have a treaty of commerce—at all events!'

"'No! no! no! You've large inards, Jonathan; and your youngest son,—Young America,—has got such a pair of eyes! I'm afraid of him. No objection to joining in three cheers for Hail Columbia, almost any time; but save me from your claws. You're both great pirates: pray be merciful to your neighbors, and spare me my Independence. Your little place down there is become troubled with wars and rumours of wars;—the shedding of innocent blood in streams at the caprice of imbecile princes, who make the bones and blood of their subjects the waste material with which to serve their incarnate ambition, tells me to beware. Beware of ambitious princes; the world would be well rid of them!'

"'Like to hear you talk so, Uncle Jacob. Reckon how you've studied in a New England school! There the greatest power springs from the humble people. Anyhow, Jacob, since we can't strike a trade, nor do a thing or two in the way of speculation, s'pose we take a drop of whiskey punch?'

"'Can't object to that,' he returned.

"So, Littlejohn and me set about it, and in a very few minutes had a first-class punch brewed, of which old Jacob supped most lavishly. In fact, he liked it so well that I reckoned he had forgotten to stop drinking; and Littlejohn felt somewhat nervous lest the old fellow get fuddled and turn everything over. John reckoned I'd better give him a cold julep to wipe down with; but Jacob said he much preferred hot things, that his profession was quite cold enough. So, after we put the punches down, and smoked some cigars, and received some good advice about being careful how I proceeded, we loosened the strings and bid him good morning: it was coming faint daylight, and Jacob had to be jogging. Just as I was leaving, my heart felt kind a down-pressed to think what gorgeous territory he had spread out to a feller's eyes, without the slightest chance of making an operation for a small portion of it—say just enough to get a foothold.

"Westward we went with breathless speed, soon losing sight of Jacob and his luminary. 'You better reef down, Mr. Smooth. Should anything give way, and you tumble out and break your neck, the democracy would go into mourning,' said Littlejohn, who had kept very quiet up to this time.

"'Not a bit of it!' I answered, 'our democracy is like Parr's Life Pills, enervating and elasticating. You may break its head, but you cannot kill;—it belongs to the heart, and springs from the laws of right.' At this Littlejohn began to get dogged,—to shows signs of very bad nature. Knowing this was most unprofitable to him I yielded indulgence. To be good-natured in cases of Emergency is a most valuable trait; and to whip a man for being ill-tempered, when nothing can be made at it, is most absurd.

"The world outside of the United States is inclined to believe American democracy something next to infernal—that it must have everything it sees, and turns everything it comes in contact with into dollars, cents, and republicanism. To such it is a mysterious power, moved by chemical agency. As for Littlejohn, he thought that in addition to our speculative spirit we should be governed by modesty, an example of which his forefathers had set us. This he recommended on the principle of a gentleman who keeps up his dignity, gaining one half his object through the influence of his mien. Many said this was the precise material General Pierce was most deficient in; and that if the General would preserve more dignity and less bluster his administration had been marked with results more in keeping with the true character of the nation. Old Uncle John could brag stoutly; but Jonathan was a magnificent player at the same game. I realised this as Littlejohn took a long look over our wonderful West, and asked by what singular process of diplomacy we got to many fine states, so richly burdened with natural resources? He reckoned we must have come the smart of our go-ahead principles over the French, Spanish and Mexicans, and then insinuated ourselves into their dominions. But, this being the smallest end of an Englishman's ideas whittled down to the very point of self-conceit, Smooth thought it best to be good-natured and make the best of his calmness. The fact is, John Bull and Cousin Jonathan must be good friends; strife is the dire enemy of good order, while war becomes the assassin seeking to overthrow those principles of constitutional liberty, both nations so wisely combined in their constitutions. Why tear down the noble edifice you cannot rebuild? why blight the cheering prospects of thousands to gratify the vain ambition of pedantic politicians?

"'Hallo! Smooth, my dear fellow, what place is this below?' cries out Littlejohn, looking over, as the balloon made a B line westward.

"'That,' I interrupted, 'used to be called the 'far West.' Now it is getting to be the centre of civilization. It goes ahead of the march of progress, while outstripping comprehension. Upon this great expanse will spring up the materials for feeding every hungry and oppressed citizen this side of sun-down. We can already raise anything,—from mountain of corn to a river of pork,—on it; and as for the nigger crop, there's no end of that!'

"'And that yours, too, Mr. Smooth? Your fertile acres stretch from sea to sea.' Little John interrupting, pointed all over the broad expanse below. He had no generalized ideas of America, no distinct estimate of her productive and maintaining powers, and less knowledge of that machinery so simply beautiful called her government. He never for once thought how this wide western expanse was destined for the back-bone of the mightiest republic the world ever knew. People without homes in the old world found happy homes there; civilization drove the buffalo from his wonted haunt to give place to man; man himself yielded to the power of progress marching westward. 'Now, Littlejohn.' said I, 'seeing that your people have but an imperfect geographical knowledge of our country, let me tell you that yon black ridge you see afar down is the range of rocky mountains. Colonel Fremont, a small man, slim enough to split the wind, but as tough as Uncle Seth's whip-stock, climbed the loftiest peak, hung his hat on it, made the stars and stripes on a rag—(in accordance with necessity and the go-ahead spirit of our country)—hung them flying in a snowstorm, whistled Yankee Doodle three times and proclaimed them ours in the name of the United States. All this was smooth and fair,—done in the spirit of our go-ahead, all-accomplished diplomacy.'

"'Ah!' interrupted Littlejohn, 'your appetite for bits of territory runs monstrously that way.'

"'Yes!' I replied; 'but, John, give us your hand-on that point we may honestly embrace, and declare ourselves now even two. You are as modest as an archbishop on salary day, and seldom openly embrace territory; we prefer the frank style in all our adoptions. Let us not quarrel over that—you love freedom, we love free government. Our political thoughts are moulded in one die, though self-interest may vary them. To be mutually just toward each other, to live on terms of friendship, and preserve that amity which is our bulwark, serves well that unity of great principles which conserves and preserves our happiness. Yea! cursed be the hand, and stagnate the breath raised against that peace and good-will which saves us from the monster of war.' Here I grasped firmly and earnestly John's hand, and would fain he forgot the past and thought only of the future. Looking down, 'that is New Mexico,' said I, 'a small corner we just hooked on to our large establishment; we let all these little ones come into the same nursery, where a generous mother watches their wants and provides for them as circumstances demand. You, John, treat your colonial babies with singularly cold diet; in fact, you often permit them to become stunted and ill-tempered for want of proper care in the home nursery. You see, Texas was well nursed, and now her territory is fast filling up with the hardy sons and daughters of your land; but, would they become new beings, and enjoy equal rights and equal privileges, they must divest themselves of those servilities which in your country one class unfortunately endeavors to enforce upon the other.' John bowed, but gave no further heed. Presently we came to the Mormon settlement, and here he set to chaffing me about equal privileges. 'We always had inconsistencies in our social system,' he said; 'just see how many wives these Mormons have got, and what a nice thing they are making of equal rights. You beat us there, Smooth; we Englishmen would never think of such sort of thing.' John looked very innocent and honest, which, added to his dignity so naturally put on, was enough to make one's face square up into a broad smile.

"'Permit me, John,' returned I: 'we tend well the great things; this Mormon evil will work its own remedy! Westward the wave of empire rolls on; that's the word we speak as the world looks on, grudgingly acknowledging its truth. We nurture small things that they may become great; we make men feel themselves living equals, not inferiors; we put the lowly emigrant in moral progress, and from his mental improvement reap the good harvest for all. By sinking from men's minds that which tells them they are inferior, we gain greatness to our nation. Simon Bendigo is made to feel that he is just as good as Blackwood Broadway; and Blackwood is made sensible of the fact that he is no better in the body politic than any other man.'

"'Now, Smooth, just let me interrupt you in your train of Yankee logic,' said Littlejohn; 'the safer a man feels his position the better is it for the nation; but the policy of equality in men, though it might do for your young place, never would do for ours. Age and its attendant glories demand different rules of guidance for society. All your fancy articles of freedom, equality, and dignity among common people become doubtful, when subjected to long practice. Our people, sir—take my word, not unworthily—are above considering such degrading innovations; their grades of society are a sacred protection.'

"'Ah! those are English opinions, iron-bound. Your social institution is a perfect curiosity shop, where everything old may be stored away unmolested, but upon which the man of plain sense looks distrustfully, while sycophants waste contemplation in devising means for its preservation. How few estimate the cost to a nation of maintaining those ancient inconsistencies so preserved by governments of the old world!'

"'Never mind that, Mr. Smooth; these things are our own, and on us will the evil recoil. Be not so earnest in condemning us, for the same sins you lay at our door are fast developing themselves in your would-be fashionable society! Your society is fashionable without being refined. Your aristocracy is a base imitation of our snobby, revelling in the heartless hording of gold, and vaunting of bad English.' John looked down ere he finished, and seemed taking a bird's-eye view of the great Utah territory. The Great Salt Lake I assured him was where the venerable navigator Noah discharged his ballast of salt bags. As for the settlers on its borders, they were the followers of Joe Smith, a veritable descendant of Ham, who never was known for the good he did. That clever mouthpiece of English opinion, the Times, says they will one day confuse and cause much trouble to the people of the United States; but this is only the offspring of that one strong idea so characteristic of Mr. John Bull. Now these descendants of the veritable Smith have a fantastic appreciation of many wives—a strange delusion in which there cannot be much happiness; but beyond this they are a very harmless people, who, beyond the sin of having many wives (and if this be a sin, it may be found at many a cleaner door!), may be excused from much they do.

"'One word, if you please, Mr. Smooth!' suddenly interrupted John Littlejohn,—'it is in that the dangerous element of your Yankee nature exists. Once beyond the neutralizing sphere of public opinion, you go in for all sorts of vagaries, the more inconsistent with strict order the better.' This crimination was certainly as fast as out of place; John was, indeed, too ready to censure us without a forethought. We had given these deluded creatures a home in our land; we had received them as citizens, though most of them were subjects of that land of freedom where the chains fall to give place to flunkeyism; we had protected them in their wilderness home—should we not be generous, and forgive their errors rather than punish or provoke the delusion? Preferring more than one wife is not originally American: on that score Uncle John cannot shake clean the skirts of his garment, nor proclaim his virtue as white as snow. Ere this conversation ended we had arrived over California. Standing up I gave three long and strong cheers that astonished and awoke John from the moody reflections into which he had fallen. There the great El Dorado spread out in golden plains, teeming their rich treasures into Uncle Sam's apron. Then, all bright and full of busy life, rose San Francisco, the stars and stripes waving gracefully from a thousand temples. A thousand ships, like monsters sleeping, rode on the calm bosom of her waters;—a busy throng of merchants filled her broad avenues; while houseless, anxious, and never-despairing mortals, like swine at large, rooted her broad plains for gold. A country, by the aid of that Anglo-Saxon energy which carries liberty and civilization into the remotest corners of the world had risen, like a young giant, from a wilderness to a flourishing State. Already was it a world of industry, every man working for the main chance. John could not suppress an expression of gratification,—the sight was bright of promise; but, he added, he much feared his countrymen would view it with a jealous eye, inasmuch as it might become a means of deranging their beautiful organization of very fashionable society. We were made up of an indescribable compound of common people and shopkeepers, he added, shrugging his shoulders and changing slightly his position. He forgot that the absence of two of the greatest evils a nation groans under had brought its blessings on our land,—Mr. Smooth refers to pauper lords, and lords who make paupers. Great men there sprung from the commonest ranks to take the best care of the nation. They discarded the expensive nonsense of maintaining dignity which polluted independence: they respect the poor man's rights and brighten his prospects; they seek to promote the good of all and fear not the few!

"Smooth, in humble solicitude for the reader's feelings, begs he will join him again while proceeding on his course. Proceeding at a rapid rate we had well nigh lost sight of the El Dorado, when John made a significant motion, which, being translated, meant that he would like to take another glass of hot punch. To this proposition I readily consented; after which we lighted two real Havanas, and rolled on as resolute as a flying Dutchman. It was with some effort that John curbed his natural feelings. The punch, being placed in the right place, seemed to create new thoughts. 'Queer fellows you are!' says he, to talk of freedom and equal rights. 'Why, you have got a human property market open, and more than three millions of souls up for a bid. Mark my word, Mr. Smooth, the voice of sorrow for your human commerce will yet shake the stability of your country. When slavery drives this country to sectional issues; when it corrupts the federal power; when it serves the ambition of those who would drag us into foreign broils; when patriotic men, North and South, ceased to come forward for the safety of a confederation, then will sectionalism wage its angry wars against a noble edifice, whose foundation history tells us must totter under the siege of strife.'



CHAPTER X.

SMOOTH PRESERVES YOUNG AMERICA'S RIGHTS.

"Day dawned through the gray mist of the East, as crowding the old institution, we sailed swiftly through the air, over the calm Pacific. Soon San Francisco seemed but a speck in the dim distance. On, on, on, we sped, until the land passed far out of sight behind. Our next business was to hang in suspense our hopes, and await the welcome sight of land ahead. John strained his eyes, and I did the same. Two hours passed, and the welcome moment arrived. 'I see it!' exclaimed John—'Land oh! Land oh!' In a frenzy of joy he had well-nigh upset the barge and spilled us out. Then he pointed his finger to an object in the distance that seemed like a lonely steeple holding watch over midnight.

"'I see it!' I rejoined—'it's land—a new discovery: I'll call it Uncle Sam's Land.'

"'A little more moderate, if you please, Mr. Smooth,' retorted John, very politely. 'Seeing it first, I claim the right of calling it Prince Albert's Island.' John was inclined to exchange any amount of diplomatic notes, but I inquired, in a plain sort of way, what would be the good it could confer on his country? to which he folded his arms, and replied curtly, that having it was the thing sought for by his government. He might institute the Established Church on it, and create any amount of Bishops, with good fat salaries—a thing all-desirable in the eyes of the Saviour. We use these out-of-the-way places,' he continued, 'as a means of relief to our over-crowded population and pensioners. We are heavy of pensioners, while our governors are prone to create dependencies, which they do in consideration of the very large stock of gentlemen always on hand, and most clamorous to be provided for at John's expense.'

"Having arrived over the spot, we found it an out-of-the-way island; upon which I suggested that it would be better to drop the stars and stripes, with a note to the chief (if one there existed) desiring he would put it up in the name of our great Republic. John, taking the initiative, began to draw from his pocket a bit of bunting; but so methodical was he, that before he had completed the process I took from my pocket a piece of red chalk, and on my white, Sunday nightcap figured the Stars and Stripes. This done, I rolled it round my jacknife, and let it slide downward ere John had his Union Jack ready. Down it went, like a thunderbolt chased by a streak of chain lightning. 'Put that up, in the name of these United States' thought I,—'we'll take care of that little bit of territory.'

"'Well,' interrupted John, looking as serious as a May moon, 'it's Yankee outright: I confess the Union Jack can't keep up with the Stars and Stripes, nohow!'

"'Give us your hand, John,' said I, 'we'll be good-natured anyhow, seeing the positive proof that we both belong to the same school. We are types of two very progressive and honorable gentlemen, who, in a very modest sort of way, do pirate territory now and then, merely for the sake of that inevitable result the extending good constitutional principles has. If our small faults creep above the surface now and then, the influence they have is more than counterbalanced by the good which may come. But, while we both affect a deal of modesty, and are ever criminating and recriminating each other's acts, would it not be well to acknowledge the motive by which both are moved to the same greedy propensities? Think it over, John; and at the same time let us join—just to keep up the good-nature—in another glass of whiskey.' He said he had no objection, so filling up, we drank to the very best sort of friendship, John winking and blinking, as a squall just springing up began to increase.

"'That place—we were both a little too fast, John—is inhabited, as I'm a Christian. I'll bet a cotton-mill it is!' I returned; and before the words were cold I saw a French sentinel pacing as straight as a handspike in uniform, and as mutely savage as a scare-crow in a corn-field. There he was, moustaches heavier nor a goat's smellers, a la old guard. Not a great way behind his Saxon neighbors, he was watching No. I; just keeping an unoffending eye on Queen Tamerhamer's little place. That tawny sovereign had insulted the French, but it was difficult for them to define the nature of the offence. However, they claimed the right to mount guard, if only to the end of getting a better foot-hold. Poor, hapless sovereign! she thought more of her tinsel than the French did of her rights: thus the small difficulty. Frenchmen are clever fellows in a small way, have very pliable ideas, which they can change with wondrous celerity; they aim to do good, if, through their eccentricities, they too often fail. They are pleased to consider themselves more refined than Americans, and yet they are more deficient in moral courage—that moral courage which is made to conserve the good of the State. An Englishman's reserve, a Frenchman's politeness, and a Yankee's go-aheadativeness,—all contending for the palm of honesty, form the curious illustration of an eventful age.

"'Let us push on, John, across the calm ocean we shall soon arrive at Shanghai,' said I, confidentially.

"'Yes!' returns John, interrupting me, 'and I wish we could get a glimpse at Japan. Other nations have supposed it impregnable; but Jonathan has found his way to the very gates of the Emperor's palace, which he now knocks at with might and main. How fantastically he is dressed! Coal-basket in one hand, and Bible in the other, he is cutting what may be properly termed figure number one.'

"'Certainly!' I rejoined, 'that is the figure to make safe our country's interests. Trade and civilization is Jonathan's motto, While 'go-ahead' is the pass-word that has placed him where he is—in power. Jonathan demolishes the aristocratic fantasy of dignity, and builds up the greatness of a people with the simplicity of trade. We never had the most distant annexation design on this little empire, but we want coals that our commerce may be fostered and protected in its march over the world; and, if we chance to do a little trade while teaching an isolated people their proper position, so much the better for the world and manifest destiny. The absurdity of celestial pre-eminence must be removed from the minds of those who yet maintain it at the expense of Christendom. If we can sell the Emperor's people Lowell cotton, at the same time you are selling them Manchester stripes, where can be the objection? There can be no harm in promoting that which has for its end the interchange of good feeling between the most distant nations of earth: interchange of commerce infuses its spirit of energy, and its results are for the good of the many. But those interchanges between progressive and non-progressive governments should be conducted with caution and kindness, in order to preserve mutual respect. The double-sided Dutchman prostrates himself before the barbarian whose commerce he seeks; but in doing so he enlists contempt for his nation, without aiding to tear down that superciliousness of the barbarian which is the greatest enemy of the world at large. Better were it he approached that monarch on equal terms—to, it might be, compel him to reconcile his feelings to the force of manifest destiny. Smooth will stand the odds that Commodore Perry gets the better of the Dutchman, comes the independent over the Emperor, and makes a contract for the establishment of cotton factories and churches all along his coast. 'Land! oh,' suddenly cried out John, at the top of his voice—'another patch ahead.' In another moment he shrieked out:—'There you go—good by!' As I overreached to sight the object far beneath, one of the stays broke, the balloon careened wildly, and making a dashing circle high in the air, out we tumbled into the wild waste of space. Finding myself going, I reckoned it was as well to keep up the philosophy, and remain cool. 'You're on the passage, too—are you, John?' inquired I, finding him turning the most artistic somersaults in his descent. 'Yes,' he replied, in a tone indicative of sorrow; 'blast you, and your Young American policy. This is the natural result of soaring above a reasonable level.. Your manifest destiny is finding its proper depths now!' John was terribly chagrined; he reckoned Young America was a shade too fast. Flying, he said, was at best a mighty poor business; once again on firm footing he would for ever look upon manifest destiny as the most aerial thing of the fast nineteenth century.



CHAPTER XI.

MR. SMOOTH IS RIGHT SIDE UP.

"'This side up—with care!' said I, finding we must come down, and keeping an eye on John, who looked as burly as a drifting ale pipe in a head sea, and whispered something about Young America being an unpleasant companion to sail the air with. Feeling how much better it was to be good-natured, I took the matter mathematically, trusting to the best. To be always right end up is a principle never to be lost sight of. There was land below us, firm and frowning; which, before we knew where we were, we had slipped into, like preserved meat, up to our arm-pits. Poor John made an awful blubbering; seeing which, I told him to be good-natured, and at the same time inquired if he had worked up his whereabouts on the way down.

"'A pretty affair this!' said he, angrily. 'Here, on a desolate island, surrounded by a broad ocean, what chance is there for us to save ourselves, or ever again make the confines of civilization? Despondency knows no joking; and, in such a perplexity, questions about reckoning are out of place. You may make light of it, Mr. Smooth; but, if you please, let us think of some way to deliver ourselves,' grumbled John, sweating, puffing, and blowing. Finally, he said he wished the old gentleman with the horns had made a previous demand on him, inasmuch as it would have saved him the trouble of dying on so desolate a spot, which to him seemed the sorest grievance of all.

"'You groan over it some, don't you, old fellow? Reckon how you hain't seen a Yankee try his ingenuity. Just puff a spell, until Mr. Smooth calmly studies a little philosophy, which is a mighty good thing in cases of emergency like this,' I remarked in reply, getting my ideas into a fix, in order to bring out the best point of operation. Working myself out in a cool sort of way, I seized hold of him by the shoulders, and yanked him straight out, like a log from a marsh slough. 'Now, take it all for the best, John,' I rejoined encouragingly, going to work and putting up a liberty pole, to which I tacked the stars and stripes, while John was grumbling, growling, and methodizing about saving himself. This done on behalf of my country, and Young America more particularly, I set about erecting a hut, wherein we could both turn in for the night. With me it was sink the desponding and keep up a stiff spring of hope; but when bed-time came, John made a great fuss about his night-cap and dressing-gown, and slippers,—as if the comforts of home were inseparable. Then he made a crooked face about his bed, while I laughed at him for his whims, his fancies, and his dogged pedantries. However, morning found him better-natured, and taking advantage of the opportunity, we held a consultation upon what was best to be done. That we were on an uninhabited island not a doubt existed: nor had any son of civilized man ever visited it before: not so much of civilization as a gallows was there to be seen anywhere, although there were visible in the distance many mountains, and plains, and valleys, and lakes swarming with fish. With these a people might have flourished, while the soil was pregnant of richness, ready to bring forth corn, rice, tobacco, and cotton. I was grieved that such a spot should lie wasting; all it wanted was a few sons of New England to make its resources of great commercial value. A ponderous mountain rose nearly to the sky, distant some two days' journey, in the west. After breakfasting on wild fruit (of which there was a great abundance) and limpid water, we set out for it, making a straight line through the forest; but before reaching the summit, and after three days' scrubbing, we discovered smoke curling gently upward here and there in the clear blue atmosphere. 'Lord bless ye, John!' I exclaimed, halting suddenly, 'there is living critters here, as I'm a Down-easter.'

"'I see 'um moving!' he rejoined, nervously surveying the spot. And in another hour we were in the midst of a tribe of savages, swarthy and of vicious appearance. Such yelling, hallooing, jumping, and cutting wild antics, you never saw before, nor could pen describe. Nobody could have understood their chattering, which was a species of growl and shortly accented muttering. Forsooth! it was as unintelligible as that language so generally diffused through diplomatic notes and protocols. Now hideous squaws ran one way, young children another. Dogs and cats brought up the rear, their music combining in most ungrateful medley. John's fears became excited as he saw the chiefs rushing furiously onward in the van. 'What shall we do?' said he; 'they will exterminate us.' I said we had better summon all our amiability and endeavor to engraft ourselves in their good graces. Young America would talk Yankee to them. To this John gave ready consent. I was glad to see that for once he had laid aside his dignity and superciliousness: it was freely acknowledging that Uncle Sam was somebody—that he could, in his plain straightforward way do clever things. Therefore, to initiate my diplomacy I drew forth the Stars and Stripes, and held them before a monster chief of some seven feet in stature, who had almost reached us, making savage grimaces. Soon he stood before us, John commenced to bow with all his politeness, and meekly doffing off his hat, began a speech with:—'Your sublime majesty—' 'Stop that, John!' I exclaimed firmly, interrupting him. Here I stepped in, and extended my hand to the savage. 'My name, stranger,' I continued 'is Commissioner Solomon Smooth—at home they call me General Smooth. Now, seeing that I am sent by our patriotic President (a very small man by the way, but immeasurably large when dealing in the mere language of war) whose determination that talent of a truly American character shall shine abroad has been fully appreciated by the nations honored with his promising plenipotentiaries, Mr. Pierce has deputed me to square the world in general, and manifest destiny in particular.' The savage at first exhibited signs of concern, but finally summoned to his aid a salutation of welcome, and at the same time grasped my hand warmly and earnestly. Communicating with him by signs was not the most agreeable office: but when there is a point to be gained energy is always well spent. I would enlighten him upon matters connected with our government, while ascertaining his ideas of annexation: this the language of signs prevented my doing. I regretted this exceedingly, inasmuch as it compelled me to forego the comparison I contemplated making between his and those known ideas entertained by General Pierce himself. Enough, however, was drawn from the signs to prove a striking coincidence. 'Never bin to Washington—I reckon?' I inquired assuming the independent, as I gave my hat an easy set on the windward side of my head. He shook his head, and croaked out something no one could understand. 'Great place!' rejoined I—'ought to come over and see it, old fellow.' I affectionately placed my arm about his neck, as he shook his head a second time; the small kindness had made us good friends. Motioning John to him, he grasped our hands, led us to his camp, called a council of his people, who said much it was impossible for us to understand. Indeed, they set up a conflict of sound more dinning than the roar of waters. Instinctively hospitable, when dinner-time came they motioned us to sit and partake of a piping dish of snakes' heads and fried beetles, of which choice delicacies the old chief was sorely grieved that we ate but little. Now and then he would spread his hands, as if to say—why not eat of what I give you? I was not long in becoming acquainted with our new acquaintance; nor did I fail to shock the modesty of our worthy friend John, who said he could not view with indifference the celerity with which I walked into things which should be touched only with the dignity of national character.

"'Now stranger,' continued I, addressing myself good-naturedly to the chief; 'seeing you are sovereign of this remote but lovely country—and that yours is manifestly an empire—suppose we try a little trade. Smooth is a free-and-easy citizen of the United States—can meet you at and be friendly over anything. My friend here,' (I pointed to John who seemed in an offish mood) 'is a Britisher, an honest member of that very ancient and gallant family which now views us, too often for that spirit which should make us friends, as a beardless upstart; John, though extremely vain, is not a bad fellow, and at times improves on acquaintance. If his proclivities for getting into an hole (like a toad in a shower) are at times too strongly manifested, who so ungenerous as not to forgive the hereditary character of the disease?'

"'Umph! umph! whew!' exclaimed the chief, as he spread his hands and contorted his face. We could not understand him; pained were we that we could not. He felt keenly the misfortune, shook his head in sorrow; and murmured, as if a world separated his thoughts and ours. Modestly, John touched me on the shoulder, and whispered:—'S'pose we call this distant Britain? you can have the next discovery. I'll proclaim it in the name of my sovereign—it will be quite right;' John was inclined to do the very honorable on the sly; but, being of opinion that he had appropriated to himself enough in that sort of way, I interposed a decided objection. 'Governor!' I retorted, taking the chief by the hand—'if a good speculation you would make, annex this little empire of yours to our great Republic. Manifest destiny will make you one of us; but don't wait for that. Hook on while the link is hot—you'll find it a good speculation. Young America will put your nation through a process of regenerating: he will make steam civilize when everything else fails; he will send his Transit Company to take possession of the government. We seek not, like John to conquer—we colonize. You may be one of us; by accepting Young America's offering you may be as independent as a colored preacher on Sunday.' The chief gazed in bewilderment—his people muttered still more.

"John now became furious of anger. 'We, too,' he interposed, 'colonize. Say you will come under the protection and acknowledged allegiance to our Queen, and yours shall be a scarlet coat, a cocked hat, and a great broadsword wherewith to fight your way in the world.' The chief moved his head doubtingly, as his body vibrated from head to foot. What strange opinions invaded his thoughts! He placed his broad hard hands gently on our heads, drew us lovingly to him, and smiled. In that smile was that which said we were both good and honest, but needed much watching. We were, indeed, good specimens of our separate nations, but the free-and-easy seemed most acceptable to the savage. 'Governor!' I continued to address the chief as I turned to John, 'beware of his fascinating coat of scarlet. Such things may charm the little; sensible men know their worthlessness. Hang out the star-spangled banner, espouse popular rights; let the rest of mankind know you belong to a nation whose destiny is the overthrow of kings and kingcraft on one continent at least.' Still, mutely the savage listened. There was no getting English into his head; hence I saw the necessity of gaining my ends by signs and motions, after the fashion of our modern diplomacy. Say what you will, mute diplomacy is not without its effect. At it I went, in a style that put French dancing entirely into the shade.

"'Your Yankee figuring won't play on his head, Smooth,' spoke Littlejohn, in a tantalizing sort of vein. 'He is less a fool than you take him for.'

"I calmly intimated that he might be right, but inquired if he ever knew a Yankee out-yankeed? John folded his arms, and got his face well adjusted within the circle of his ample shirt-collar, which he had preserved unruffled during his fall. Suddenly I remembered that in my pocket was a handbill of Uncle Obadiah's clock factory, upon which was broadly emblazoned a time-piece of modern fashion. Its effect was electric. No sooner was it displayed than the barbarian's eye glowed with anxiety; the gaudy picture carried his heart and soul captive to Uncle Sam. In his ecstacy he threw his arms about me, hugged me and fawned me, and in his joy was well nigh devouring me. Poor John stood outdone—dumfounded. The sight was characteristic.

"'Principles, in these days of development,' mumbled John, as with the fingers of his right hand he stroked his chin, 'I admit give way to circumstances. To say a difficulty exists you Yankees cannot surmount—to say an invention is known you cannot improve and apply; to say a remote colony exists you cannot people and govern, is a calumny gross indeed. If they fail to gain the end they aim at by one movement they will resort to another more bold—success must follow.' John grudgingly made the admission. Had he possessed the forethought to discover how the point was likely to turn he would have provided himself with the picture of a business-like ambassador proceeding to a great convention with only thirty-two females in his train, as might have been seen at Vienna very recently; or, better yet, the picture of a duke's flunkey, which, being the more ridiculous of the two, would to the savage have proved the greater attraction. But John turned coldly and methodically from the subject. His ancestors had made so many sovereigns! he said. Nothing to be gained, his thoughts were turned now to the means of getting away from the savages. Not another day would he stay; I was at liberty to start any amount of young Republics. Apprehending difficulty from his state of excitement I counselled his better nature, and brought to the rescue the quiet and cheerful of his curious composition. It was the only way to surmount a great difficulty. Preserving, then, the calm of a philosopher, I set about inventing something to take us from thence, to a more congenial land. Smooth, with progress in his head and grasp in his fingers, can, upon the same principle that he can start something to please our nation, create some thought for the relief of two distressed individuals. One half the failures in the world are the result of the mind magnifying the undertaking into an impossibility, instead of setting about it fresh and vigorous—making a determination to achieve the object. The American nature has become bold of adventure, and one of its greatest characteristics is, never to stand in doubt when an experiment is to be tried.

"'Yes, but, Smooth!' he interrupted, 'you don't consider that we British officials abroad are placed in a very unpleasant position. Our acts being at all times liable to disapproval at the Foreign Office, we too frequently remain passive for want of faith at home and confidence in ourselves. The spirit of the Foreign Office is like a weathercock on wings; we are a mere servilage to the uncertain changes and caprices of those who may chance to be its Chief.'

"'By that, I understand you know not how to act; and to avoid being wrong you remain inactive, that course being likely to receive the most praise. My good fellow, lesson from Young America,—act boldly, take the responsibility on your own shoulders, and abide the consequences. Be an independent citizen,—let your acts be your country's and your own;—and whatever the result may be, meet it manfully, that moral courage may strengthen your cause. Now, then, let us set about building a canoe; let us imagine we can do a prodigy and it shall be done!' At this John's spirit became restored.

"We went to work in right good earnest, and, with necessity for an incentive, found ourselves at the expiration of three days master of a fine canoe, with which we drew down the astonishment of the natives. Two days more and we bid them a touching farewell, promised to call and see them again, bring cotton, cloth and sundry Yankee notions, with which to start a trade between them and the people of Salem, Massachusetts. Supplied with fish and porkmonhunter, a savory dish prepared by the natives, we set sail for Shanghai, I being skipper of the craft, and John mate. Nothing should seem to one's mind too simple to learn, and I learned to navigate by what the sailors in times past called the rule of thumb: the rule now came nicely into play. Energy is the master of difficulties; the application of it is all-necessary when they present themselves. Adhering to this maxim I took the helm, laid down the course, and steered for Shanghai, while John kept a close watch on the stars. At times he would work lunars in his head, as did the Macedonians. Laughable as it may seem, John was just credulous enough to think that savages in these out-of-the-way parts of the world were honored with a north star, and amused himself with speculations on its identity. As luck will now and then favor the unfortunate, so we, after a voyage in which were any amount of storms and hair-breadth escapes, which it will be needless to describe here, arrived at the expiration of the tenth day safely at Shanghai. To know precisely where one is, and feel safe on terra-firma after a tempestuous voyage, makes the heart leap with joy—and with joy leaped mine.



CHAPTER XII.

MR. SMOOTH MAKES A FEW REFLECTIONS.

"Shanghai seemed a place of adventures and uncertain speculations; its people were a medley of all sorts of human kind badly propounded. Perhaps I should except that numerous gentry called fleas, so averse to travellers that they at once set about biting them out of the town. Two days in Shanghai proved quite enough. So, viewing it advisable, we packed up our alls, and on foot shaped our course for Scinde, a territory rather out of the way and very remotely situated. Littlejohn, still my companion, said his honorable Governor got possession of it in a very dignified sort of way; nevertheless, he thought it advisable that as little as possible be said about the process. The truth was, it was not distinctly known what the rest of mankind said about it.

"After much journeying and hardship, we found ourselves in the heart of Scinde, which looked desolate enough to have been under any other than British rule:—we speak merely for the honor of British rule! 'This, Uncle John's, too?' I inquired, touching John on the shoulder.

"'Beg your pardon!' he returned, with affected indifference.

"'Does Britannia rule this territory?' I reiterated.

"'Well,' he rejoins, hesitatingly, 'as to that—Smooth, give us yer hand—there is something to be considered; we believe in dispensing blessings to mankind; and that all men, great and small, may have their share, we aim to infuse our principles, and make them understood throughout the world. It's all for humanity and the good of Christianity; but, you see, we have for a long time tried to make these foolish Princes comprehend the benefits resulting therefrom without success, and were really forced to harsh measures. We were sorry it was so, but, being the case, we, as a national sequence, had to resort to conquering. Now, though it may not be always necessary to apply the principle of conquering to do good, it follows as a rule that good must result where the conqueror is a Christian power, whose only motive is progress and civilization for the good of all. The Anglo-Saxon teaches the barbarian to know himself; and when he has done this he endeavors to infuse principles of trade and constitutional government into his mind; but not daring to leave him to himself, he reluctantly, nevertheless, is compelled to subject him to his rule. I frankly admit we refrain from doing these manifest destiny things, as you call them, with the same boldness characterized in your proceedings with Mexico. Our East India Company may not be the very best institution in the world for governing purposes, for it is dangerous to invest a trading compact with governing powers, inasmuch as selfish interests will conserve to keep the power of the governing superior to the best interests of the governed, even though they be in the majority; but the Company is a great machine for civilizing and keeping civilized, that trade may not lose its influence. It teaches these poor devils of natives to talk English, and, sir, can you calculate what a blessing that will be when it comes into general use? By and by we will be enabled to turn this vast empire into one field teeming with the richest produce.'

"'All right,' said I, interrupting his sentence: 'we will yet agree on something. In the meantime, let me inquire, John, why you did not add—what a blessing it would be did they but understand the English! Your modesty and their insane bigotry furnish a strange group of nondescript governments, which Uncle John covetously fathers, though they be the illegal issues of that very honorable dredging machine, whose grapnels, always extended, are for ever bringing up something new. In truth, this company so strong of power, which it sways on the penny-wise principle, and so pampered by royalty, is ever troubling honest Uncle John with its unfortunate affairs.'

"'It never will do to talk in that kind of way, Smooth; 'twill never do! When you Yankees make grave charges, you forget to clothe them with style and dignity: they are things of much importance in government matters, and then it never comes to much for small men to prate against powerful bodies pursuing formidable enterprises.'

"'Listen, John!' I retorted, laying my right hand good-naturedly on his left shoulder, 'that which takes from a country without previously spreading nourishment to sustain it is a dredging machine, and will sooner or later dry up its resources. It takes out, but forgets to put in, thinking only of the present, while the future invites an enlightened policy to nurture and bring out its richer resources.' But with these small misdemeanors we would not directly charge Uncle John, who is at times as honorable as he is dogged; but he, fathered as he is with the responsibility, is seriously to blame for this neglect. Viewing these things in their proper light, John and Jonathan, stimulated by the same virtuous inclinations, and weighing well their distinctive prowess, should be careful not to offend by petty means: how much better to encourage friendly relations, than wound a sensitive but worthy national pride! Promising to criminate after this fashion so much in vogue no more, we left the desolate Scinde, continued our way across an immense waste, where might have risen up one of the mightiest and most fertile empires. An enlightened policy only was wanted. The people were ignorant of their power and resources: John had conquered, and viewed it well to keep them so. His East India dredge did not dissent to this verdict. My friend John thought the acquisition well approved. But the people, he said, were worthless; they added superstition to ignorance and fierceness, and obstinately opposed the bettering their condition. 'Without attempting to burden your credulity, Jonathan,' interpolated John, 'the truth is, we well understood the nature of this people, and having failed to conciliate them in one way betook ourselves to another, and in our characteristic style chastised them into submission.' John spoke with great seriousness, never for a moment lessening his air of dignity. Indeed, it embodied and acknowledged serious mode of docilizing a people: how much real attachment between the conqueror and conquered must follow this system we leave the reader to contemplate. The honorable Mr. John, notwithstanding, had a very circuitous way of confessing the fact of having taken into his family, by this arbitrary system of wedlock, no end of people; still he accused Jonathan of using his soft-sawder for the same purpose.

"Journeying a few days through a country rich of soil and rivers turned to no account, we reached a dominion called the Punjaub, which John said had limits he knew not where, and was his, too. He acquired it by the same bold and very honorable stroke of policy. The chiefs, he said, kept up a continued jarring among themselves; such being fatal to their best interests, he, as a friend, merely stepped in to put an end to their unprofitable disputes.

"As I have before told the reader, this honorable individual, who sensitively declared nothing could make him less than a gentleman, never failed to consider himself a model of forbearance, but in the fulness of his generous soul, having conquered, he rather preferred to remain conqueror. In the Punjaub John had left his mark, but nothing to praise.

"Despairing of finding something to praise in the Punjaub we passed over into Pegua—John's also. Got by the same bold stroke of policy—a few variations excepted! It was rather a fascinating piece of territory, to the Rajah of which he had several times offered protection, after the manner of that protectorate of two centuries, so vauntingly claimed over the Mosquitoes. The barbarian as often rejected it. This, John could not submit to: humanity demanded he should accept the kind proffer. And to serve the ends of humanity did John hasten to the Rajah's palace one Commodore Lambert—a pugnacious seafaring diplomatist, known for his love of the yard-arm law. The Commodore would hold a parley with the Rajah; the Rajah, whose dignity was first to be consulted, was too slow in preparing his palace. The Commodore, erratic of temper, was at times accustomed to growl for his own amusement; he now growled for the amusement of his countrymen. The result was natural. In the littleness of his vanity did the Rajah imagine himself a very great man. He was important of those small follies which prove the great misfortunes of old nations. The Commodore must wait in the sun, with becoming respect for his dignity. But the seafaring diplomatist esteemed the importance of his cloth above all barbarian considerations, hence decided himself insulted. As patience is essential to the success of diplomacy, so the Rajah deemed it expedient to test how far that quality was possessed by the Commodore, whom he permitted to wait two hours in a vertical sun. This was too much for the patience of any respectable gentleman, and only resulted in exciting the petulance of the before-named sea-going Ambassador, who just demolished a few out-of-the-way towns, and pocketed the kingdom for his Queen. From this it will be seen (we make no allowance for John's acceptance of the issue) that the vanity of a Rajah and the petulance of a Commodore cost a kingdom. Littlejohn said this was the way Pegua slipt, almost unconsciously, into the possession of his family. The process was of itself so innocent! Language to praise it sufficiently John could not find. Diplomacy having large claims on the observance of etiquette, cannot permit insults to go unpunished, said he. The Commodore, too, was in diplomacy a fast sort of man, and could not be excited to anger without a consideration—which said consideration was no other than that the aforesaid Rajah just hand over the kingdom. Spunky boys are Uncle John and Cousin Jonathan! To that end the Commodore pitched into the Rajah, thrashed him, bagged his dominions, and would as little as possible were said about it. Here, then, it was clearly shown that what John charged Jonathan with was but a facsimile of the crimes so profusely spread at his own door. Great governments are at best thieves; and to claim a superiority of modesty in acquiring dominion is poor moonshine badly spent. With these contemplations we agreed not to quarrel, but continue our journey over Turkey homeward.



CHAPTER XIII.

MR. SMOOTH SEES A COUNTRY GREAT IN RESOURCES BLIGHTED BY A NARROW POLICY.

"Difficult is it for a man travelling in a country where everything seems crooked, to keep up straight ideas. I have said crooked, for where nature has been most profuse in her blessings, and no signs of the iron sinews of progress are seen; where no Mississippi steamboats move on in busy occupation, opening up the resources of a country; where no bright villages hold to light the charms of hardy industry; where the favored few gather the fruits of the husbandman's energy—something must indeed be crooked. Through countries enamelled of nature's best offerings, as fine as ever spread out before the eye of man, we travelled; but all seemed wasting away in the inertness of bad government. A narrow policy had spread weeds where fruitful vines would have hung blessings for mankind. Things called men revelled in what to them seemed luxury, but in poverty and wretchedness a people struggled; men walked to and fro in tattered garments, colored like unto their moral and physical degradation. But they heeded it not, and were careless because no one cared for them. There is no slavery so abhorrent as that of the menial who has no thought beyond the narrow sphere of his servitude, and the little pleasure which his light heart may transitorily enjoy. Here men saw no vitality in the hand that ruled: hence they maudled through that deadening scum of servile life that tramples better things beneath its feet.