I succumbed in a fence corner, and overpowered ez I wuz, slept

"A sweetly dreamin— Dreamin the happy hours away."

Methought I wuz in Philadelphia, and the 14th uv August had arriv. There wuz a glorious assemblage, ez Doolittle sed, uv the brains and hearts uv the country, and I may add, ez I and Humphrey Marshall wuz there, uv the bowels likewise. The Convenshun wuz assemblin. There wuz Seward present, engineerin uv it. On one side uv him I notist, in my dream, a shadowy bein with wings, draped in white, and wearin a melonkoly look, with one hand a layin on his shoulder, a tryin to take him out uv the hall, while another bein, with wings like a bat, hed him by the nose, and wuz a twistin uv him jest ez he desired. I notist that this last mentioned bein hed hoofs, wich wuz split, and a tail wich he wuz flirtin in great glee. The bein with the tail and hoofs whispered suthin in Seward's ear, whereupon he moved that that eminent patriot, Ex-President FRANKLIN PIERCE, be chairman; upon wich the shadowy bein in white unfolded her wings, and flew away, castin at William the most sorrowful look I ever saw, the hoofed and tailed individooal laughin tremendous. The Ex-President took the chair, and one Vice-President wuz appointed from each State, ceptin Vermont and Massachoosits. My buzzum swelled with emoshen ez that list wuz read; it wuz more like an old-fashioned Democratic Convenshun than anything I hed heard for five long years. I heard the honored names uv Toombs and Rhett, Pryor and Lee, Slidell and Rosso, and Dandridge and Forrest; I heard the names uv Craven and Pollard, Thompson and Forsyth, and I felt like him uv old—"Mine eyes hev seen thy glory, now let thy servant depart in peace." Nothin but the certainty that I wood at last hev that Post Offis at the Corners kept me from goin up. Singler 'tis wat slender ties hold us to earth!

The Secretaries wuz apinted, and then the committees—two on each from the South and one from the North, wich wuz consiliatin. I wuz put on the committee on credenshals, Randall, the Postmaster-General, bein the Northern representative. We hed our hands full. There wuz a rush made on us, so many claimin seats that we locked the doors for two hours to decide what shood be the proper qualification for a place. Finally we agreed to admit ez delegates,—

FROM THE NORTH—all Dimocrats who had bin arrested by Linkin's minyuns; all officers who hed resined rather than to serve in a Ablishun war, and all Republikins who cood show a commishun ez Postmaster and sich, and (this wuz considered necessary to guard agin imposition) who wuz willin to take his solemn oath that he wuz a steadfast bleever in everything A. Johnson hed did sence Janooary, '66 (ceptin sum small items wich wuz specified), and all he wuz doin, and all he mite do.

FROM THE SOUTH—all who cood show a officer's commission in the late Confedrit army; all who had receeved a pardon from A. Johnson, and all who hed lost their niggers in an unholy war, wich inclooded all present.

This decided upon, the work wuz done. The delegates took their seats, and the grate work uv Reconstructin the Yoonyun commenced. Garret Davis wanted to make a speech, and a hall wuz hired for him in another part uv the city, and fifty or sixty German emigrants, who coodent understand a word uv English, hired at a shillin an hour to act ez audience. Five kegs uv lager beer, a flooid wich I hev bin told Germans tie to, hed bin rolled in the hall, and most uv em stayed seven hours and a half.

In the regler Hall there wuz a comminglin which wuz edifyin. Doolittle wood make a motion, and Vallandigham wood second it. Forrest made a speech, and Randall indorsed it. Seward and John Morrissey were on the Committee on Resolutions, and Dick Taylor and Cowan were occupyin one seat. The resolutions were brief and to the pint. They resolved that,—

Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness in our national history, wich, owin to circumstances over wich nobody hed any control, extended over several periods uv ninety days each; and

Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the two sections viewin things each from its own stand-pint, instead of viewin things from the other's stand-pint; and

Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong, partikelerly the North; and

Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown in history, hed thrown down her arms, and wuz ready to resoom her old position in the Government—nay, more, to take more than her old share in the trouble uv runnin the Government; therefore be it

Resolved, That we are for the Yoonyun ez it wuz.

Resolved, That the persistency uv a sectional Congress, in continuin the unpleasantness wich hez to some extent disturbed our system uv Government, in legistatin while eleven sovereign States is unrepresented, is pizen.

Resolved, That we view with alarm the manifest determination uv Congress to centralize in theirselves the law-makin power uv the Government, and we pledge our support to our worthy Chief Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his efforts to check their centralizin schemes by vetoin all they may do.

Resolved, That all traces uv the late onpleasantness may be wiped out ez soon ez possible, we demand uv Congress an appropriation for plowin over all the fields on wich the citizens uv the two sections who wuz indoost by their respective Governments, so-called, to carry muskets, cum together, particklerly them on wich our Southern brethren got the worst uv the disputes that ensood.

Resolved, That Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes, change the names uv Murfreesboro', Gettysburg, Atlanta, Vicksburg, et settry, to sich names ez Smithboro', Brownsburg, Jonesburg, et settry, that the serious unpleasantnesses wich occurred at them places may be remembered no more forever.

Resolved, That the citizens uv the Southern States wich lost their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late unpleasantnesses wich hez bin referred to, ought to be placed on the pension rolls the same ez the Northern citizens who suffered likewise; and that the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things ez viewed from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid the same ez the debt incurred by the North in upholdin things ez viewed from its stand-pint.

Resolved, That we are willin, for the sake uv harmony, to admit that Sherman and Grant were, all things considered, worthy uv bein ranked with Lee and Jackson.

Resolved, That the safety uv the Government demands that sich ez took part in the late unpleasantnis, from the Southern States, be to-wunst admitted to Congress, and to the other posishens wich they yoost to ornament, and that the more unpleasant they wuz doorin the trouble the more they ought to be admitted.

Resolved, That there shall be gushen confidences, we freely forgive the honored Secretary uv State for the too free use uv his little bell doorin the late unpleasantnis, believin that he viewed things from his own stand-pint instead uv somebody else's, wich alluz causes trouble.

At this pint His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson, supported by Secretary Wells on the wun side and Vice-President Stephens on one other, with Bukanan in front and Toombs behind, entered the hall. Sich a cheering I never heerd. Hats wuz slung into the air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly they advanced up the aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait uv Linkin wich a enthusiastic Connecticut delegate tore from the wall and throwd before em. They took their position on the stage, Gen. Buell holdin over em a Fedral flag, and Genral Henry A. Wise, uv Virginny, a Confedrit flag, both wavin em to the music uv two bands; one a playin Dixie, and the other Yankee Doodle.

At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton floated into the hall, and for a minnit contemplated the countenance uv President Johnson. In my dreem I heerd him murmur, "There wuz me, and Adams, and Gefferson, and Monroe, and sich, and then cum Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon, and, good God! Johnson! Faugh!" and I notist that George spit ez tho' suthin in his mouth didn't taste well. In fact, the Father uv his country looked sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit moved out uv the hall, shakin the sperit dust off uv his speritool boots ez he shot thro' the sky-lite.

There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I resoomed, I was at the Post-offis Department the next mornin. The gullotin hed commenced work, and the supporters uv the constitushun were reseevin their commissions ez postmasters ez fast ez four hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez I pressed forward, Randall hisself give me mine. "Take it, my venerable friend," sez he, with tears a gushin down his cheeks; "take it. No more shall that Demokrat in your township who takes a paper reseeve it contaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin radical."



At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that dream wuz a reality! Will I only git that postoffis in a dream.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.



XXVIII.

The Reward of Virtue.—After Months of waiting, the Virtuous Patriot secures his Loaf.—The Jollification.

CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), August 12, 1866.

At last I hev it! Finally it come! After five weary trips to Washington, after much weary waitin and much travail, I hev got it. I am now Post Master at Confedrit x Roads, and am dooly installed in my new position. Ef I ever hed any doubts ez to A. Johnson bein a better man than Paul the Apossle, a look at my commission removes it. If I ketch myself a feelin that he deserted us onnecessarily five years ago, another look, and my resentment softens into pity. Ef I doubt his Democrisy, I look at that blessed commission, and am reassured, for a President who cood turn out a wounded Federal soldier, and apoint sich a man ez ME, must be above suspicion.

I felt it wuz coming two weeks ago. I received a cirkler from Randall, now my sooperior in offis, propoundin these questions:—

1. Do yoo hev the most implicit faith in Androo Johnson, in all that he hez done, all that he is doin, and all he may hereafter do?

2. Do you bleeve that the Philadelphia Convenshun will be a convocashen uv saints, all actuated by pure motives, and devoted to the salvation uv our wunst happy, but now distractid country?

3. Do yoo bleeve that, next to A. Johnson, Seward, Doolittle, Cowan, and Randall are the four greatest, and purest, and bestest, and self-sacrificinest, and honestest, and righteousist men that this country hez ever prodoost?

4. Doo yoo bleeve that there is a partikelerly hot place reserved in the next world for Trumbull, a hotter for Wade, and the hottest for Sumner and Thad Stevens?

5. Do yoo approve uv the canin uv Grinnell by Rosso?

6. Do yoo consider the keepin out uv Congris eleven sovrin states a unconstooshnel and unwarrantid assumption uv power by a secshnal Congris?

7. Do yoo bleeve the present Congris a rump, and that (eleven states bein unrepresented) all their acts are unconstooshnel and illegal, ceptin them wich provides for payin salaries?

8. Do yoo bleeve that the Memphis and Noo Orleans unpleasantnesses wuz brot about by the unholy machinashens uv them Radical agitators, actin in conjunction with ignorant and besotted niggers, to wreak their spite on the now loyal citizens uv those properly reconstructed cities.

9. Are yoo not satisfied that the African citizens uv Amerikin descent kin be safely trusted to the operations uv the universal law wich governs labor and capital?

10. Are yoo willin to contribute a reasonable per cent. uv yoor salary to a fund to be used for the defeat uv objectionable Congrismen in the disloyal states North?

To all uv these inquiries I not only answered yes, but went afore a Justis uv the Peace and took an affidavit to em, forwarded it back, and my commission wuz forthwith sent to me.

There wuz a jubilee the nite it arriv. The news spread rapidly through the four groceries uv the town, and sich anuther spontaneous outbust uv joy I never witnessed.



The bells rung, and for an hour or two the Corners wuz in the wildest stait uv eggsitement. The citizens congratoolated each other on the certainty uv the acceshun uv the President to the Dimocrisy, and in their enthoosiasm five nigger families were cleaned out, two uv em, one a male and the tother a female, wuz killed. Then a perceshun wuz organized as follers:—

Two grocery keepers with bottles.

Deekin Pogram.

ME, with my commishun pinned onto a banner, and under it written, "In this Sign we Conker."

Wagon with tabloo onto it: A nigger on the bottom boards, Bascom, the grocery keeper, with one foot onto him, holdin a banner inscribed, "The Nigger where he oughter be."

Citizen with bottle.

Deekin Pogram's daughter Mirandy in a attitood uv wallopin a wench. Banner: "We've Regained our Rites."

Two citizens with bottles tryin to keep in perceshun.

Two more citizens, wich hed emptyd their bottles, fallin out by the way side.

Citizens, two and two, with bottles.

Wagon, loaded with the books and furnitur uv a nigger skool, in a stait uv wreck, with a ded nigger layin on top uv it, wich hed bin captoored within the hour. Banner: "My Policy."

The perceshun mooved to the meetin hous, and Deekin Pogram takin the Chair, a meetin wuz to wunst organized.

The Deekin remarked that this wuz the proudest moment uv his life. He wuz gratified at the appintment uv his esteemed friend, becoz he appreciated the noble qualities wich wuz so conspikuous into him, and becoz his arduous services in the coz uv Dimokrisy entitled him to the posishun. All these wuz aside uv and entirely disconnected from the fact that thare wood now be a probability uv his gittin back a little matter uv nine dollars and sixty-two cents ("Hear! hear!") wich he hed loaned him about eighteen months ago, afore he had knowed him well, or larned to luv him. But thare wuz anuther reason why he met to rejoyce to-nite. It showed that A. Johnson meant bizness; that A. Johnson wuz troo to the Dimokrasy, and that he hed fully made up his mind to hurl the bolts uv offishl thunder wich he held in his Presidenshal hands at his enemies, and to make fight in earnest; that he wuz goin to reward his friends—them ez he cood trust. Our venerable friend's bein put in condishun to pay the confidin residents uv the Corners the little sums he owes them is a good thing ("Hear!" "Hear!" "Troo!" "Troo!" with singular unanimity from every man in the bildin), but wat wuz sich considerashuns when compared to the grate moral effect uv the decisive movement? ("A d——d site!" shouted one grocery keeper, and "We don't want no moral effect!" cried another.) My friends, when the news uv this bold step uv the President goes forth to the South, the price uv Confedrit skript will go up, and the shootin uv niggers will cease; for the redempshun uv the first I consider ashoored, and the redoosin uv the latter to their normal condishun I count ez good ez done.

Squire Gavitt remarked that he wuz too much overpowered with emoshun to speak. For four years, nearly five, the only newspaper wich come to that offis hed passed thro' the polluted hands uv a Ablishnist. He hed no partikler objecshun to the misguided man, but he wuz a symbol uv tyranny, and so long ez he sot there, he reminded em that they were wearin chains. Thank the Lord, that day is over! The Corners is redeemed, the second Jaxson hez risin, and struck off the shackles. He wood not allood to the trifle uv twelve dollars and a half that he loaned the appintee some months ago, knowin that it wood be paid out uv the first money—

Bascom, the principal grocery keeper, rose, and called the Squire to order. He wanted to know ef it wuz fair play to talk sich talk. No man cood feel a more hart-felt satisfaction at the appintment uv our honored friend than him, showin, ez it did, that the President hed cut loose from Ablishnism, wich he dispised, but he protestid agin the Squire undertakin to git in his bill afore the rest hed a chance. Who furnisht him his licker for eight months, and who hez the best rite for the first dig at the proceeds uv the position? He wood never—

The other three grocery keepers rose, when Deekin Pogram rooled em all out uv order, and offered the followin resolutions:—

Whereas, the President hez, in a strikly constooshnel manner, relieved this commoonity uv an offensive Ablishunist, appinted by that abhorred tyrant Linkin, and appinted in his place a sound constooshnel Demokrat—one whom to know is to lend; therefore, be it

Resolved, That we greet the President, and, ashoor him uv our continyood support and confidence.

Resolved, That we now consider the work uv Reconstruction, so far ez this community is concerned, completed, and that we feel that we are wunst more restored to our proper relations with the federal government.

Resolved, That the glorious defence made by the loyal Democracy uv Noo Orleans agin the combined conventioners and niggers, shows that freemen kin not be conkered, and that white men shel rule America.

Resolved, That, on this happy occasion, we forgive the Government for what we did, and cherish nary resentment agin anybody.

The resolutions wuz adopted, and the meetin adjourned with three cheers for Johnson and his policy.

Then came a scene. Every last one uv em hed come there with a note made out for the amount I owed him at three months. Kindness of heart is a weakness of mine, and I signed em all, feelin that ef the mere fact of writin my name wood do em any good, it wood be crooel in me to object to the little laber required. Bless their innocent soles! they went away happy.

The next mornin I took possesshun uv the offis.



"Am I awake, or am I dreamin?" thought I. No, no! it is no dream. Here is the stamps, here is the blanks, and here is the commisshun! It is troo! it is troo!

I heerd a child, across the way, singin,—

"I'd like to be a angel, And with the angels stand."

I woodn't, thought I. I woodn't trade places with an angel, even up. A Offis with but little to do, with four grocerys within a stone's throw, is ez much happiness ez my bilers will stand without bustin. A angel 4sooth!

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster.)



XXIX.

The Convocation of Hungry Souls at Philadelphia.—A Description of that Memorable Occasion by One who had been Provided for.

POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), August 14, 1866.

Peace is into me. I hev spent many happy periods in the course uv a eventful life; but I never knowd what perfeck satisfaction wuz till now. The first week I wuz married to my Looizer Jane it wuz hevenly; for, independent uv the other blisses incident to the married state, I beleeved that she wuz the undivided possessor uv a farm, or ruther her father wuz, wich, on the old man's decease, wood be hern, and the prospeck uv a lifetime with a amiable, well-built woman, with a farm big enough to support me, with prudence on her part, wuz bliss itself; and I enjoyed it with a degree uv muchness rarely ekaled, until I found out that it wuz kivered more deeply with mortgages than it wuz ever likely to be with crops, and my dreem uv happiness busted. Sweet ez wuz this week, it wuz misery condensed when compared to the season I hev jest passed through.

I wuz a delegate to Philadelphia. I wuzn't elected nor nothin, and hedn't any credentials; but the door uv the wigwam I passed, nevertheless. The door-keeper wuz a Dimokrat, and my breath helped me; my nose, wich reely blossoms like the lobster, wuz uv yoose; but I spect my hevin a gray coat on, with a stand up collar, with a brass star onto it, wuz wat finished the biznis. The Southern delegates fought shy uv me; but the Northern ones, bless their souls! the minit they saw the star on the collar uv my gray coat, couldn't do enuff for me. They addressed me ez Kernel and Gineral, and sed "this wuz trooly an unmeritid honor," and paid for my drinks; and I succeeded in borrowin a hundred and twenty dollars of em the first day. I mite hev doubled it; but the fellows wuz took in so easy that no financeerin wuz required, and it really wuz no amoozment.

The Convenshun itself wuz the most affectinist gatherin I ever witnist. I hed a seat beside Randall, who wuz a managin the concern, and I cood see it all. The crowd rushed into the bildin, and filled it, when Randall desired attention. He bein the Postmaster General, every one of em dropped into his seat ez though he hed bin shot, and there wuz the most perfeck quiet I ever saw. Doolittle, who wuz the Cheerman, winked at Randall, and nodded his head, when Randall announced that THE DELEGATES FROM SOUTH KARLINY, AND THE DELEGATES FROM MASSACHOOSITS, WOOD ENTER ARM IN ARM! With a slow and measured step they cum in; and, at a signal from Randall, the cheerin commenst—and sich cheerin! Then Doolittle pulled out his white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes; and every delegate simultaneously pulled out a white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes.

To me, this wuz the proudest moment uv my life; not that there wuz anything partikilerly inspiritin in the scene afore me, for there wuzzent. Orr, from South Caroliny, looked partikilerly ashamed of hisself, ez though he wuz going thro a highly nessary, but extremely disgustin, ceremony, and wuz determined to keep up a stiff upper lip over it; and Couch looked up to Orr, ez though he wuz afeerd uv him, and ez though he felt flattered by Orr's condecension in walkin at all with sich a umble individjooal. But, to my eyes, the scene wuz significant. I looked into the fucher, and wat did I see, ez them two men—one sneekin, and tother ashamed uv hisself—walked up that aisle? Wat did I see? I saw the Democrisy restored to its normal condishun. I saw the reunion uv the two wings. In fact, I saw the entire Dimokratic bird reunited. The North, one wing, and the weakest; Kentucky, the beak, sharp, hungry, and rapacious; South-west, the strong, active wing; Virginny, the legs and claws; Ohio, the heart; Pennsylvania, the stomach; South Caroliny, the tail feathers; and Noo Jersey, the balance of the bird,—I saw these parts, for five years dissevered, come together, holdin nigger in one claw, and Post Offises in the other, sayin, "Take em both together; they go in lots." I saw the old Union—the bold, shivelrous Southner a guidin, controllin, and directin the machine, and assoomin to hisself the places uv honor, and the Dimokrat uv the North follerin, like a puppy dog, at his heels, takin sich fat things ez he cood snap up; the Southerner ashamed uv his associations, but forced to yoose em; the Northerner uncomfortable in his presence, but tied to him by self-interest. I saw a comin back the good old times when thirty-four States met in convenshun, and let eleven rule em; and ez I contemplated the scene, I too wept, but it wuz in dead earnest.

"Wat are you blubberin for?" asked a enthusiastic delegate in front uv me, who wuz a swabbin his eyes with a handkercher.

"I'm a Postmaster," sez I, "and must do my dooty in this crisis. Wat are you sheddin pearls for?" retorted I. "Are you a Postmaster?"

"No," sez he; "but I hope to be;" and he swabbed away with renood vigger.

"Wat's the matter with the eyes uv all the delegates?" sez I.

"They've all got Post Offisis in em," sez he; and he worked away faster than ever.

While gettin a fresh handkercher (wich I borrered from the hind coat pocket uv a delegate near me, and wich, by the way, in my delirious joy, I forgot to say anythin to him about it), I looked over the Convenshun, and agin the teers welled up from my heart. My sole wuz full and overflowin, and I slopped over at the eyes. There, before me, sat that hero, Dick Taylor, and Cuth Bullitt; and there wuz the Nelsons and Yeadons, and the representatives uv the first families uv the South, and in PHILADELPHIA, AT A CONVENTION, with all the leadin Demokrats uv the North, ceptin Vallandigham and Wood, and they wuz skulkin around within call, with their watchful eyes on the perceedins. Here is a prospeck! Here is fatnis! The President into our confidence! The Postmaster General a runnin the Convention! The bands a playin Dixie and the Star Spangled Banner alternitly, so that nobody cood complain uv partiality, or tell reely wich side the Convention wuz on, or wich side it had been on in the past! Ah! my too susceptible sole filled up agin; the teers started; but that vent wuznt enuff, and I fell faintin onto the floor. Twenty or thirty Northern delegates seed me fallin, and ketchin site uv the gray coat, with the brass star onto it, rushed to ketch me; and they bore me out uv the wigwam. Sed one, "Wat a techin scene! overpowered by his feelins." "Yes," sed another: "he deserves a apintment."

I didn't go back to the Convenshun, coz I knowd it wan't no yoose; and besides, after all the teers that had been shed,—the members wringin their handkerchers onto the floor,—it wuz sloppy under foot. Conciliation and tenderness gushed out uv em. I knowd it would be all right; it couldn't be otherwise. There wuz bonds wich held the members together, and prevented the possibility uv trouble. Johnson, hevin a ambition to head a party, must hev a party to head. The Northern delegashun—wich hed formerly actid with the Ablishnists—couldn't do nothin without the Democracy North; and both on em combined couldn't do nothin without the Democracy South, The President cood depend on the Democracy North, coz he holds the offices; the Democracy North cood depend on the President, coz he must hev their votes. The President cood depend on the Democracy South, coz they want him to make a fight agin a Ablishen Congris, wich is a unconstooshnelly keepin uv em out, and preventin em from wollopin their niggers; the Democracy South cood depend on the President, coz he must hev their Representatives in their seats to beat the Ablishnists in Congris,—all cood depend on all, each cood depend on the other, coz each faction, or ruther each stripe, hed its little private axe to grind, wich it coodent do without the others to turn the grind-stone.

The Southern delegates, some on em, wuznt so well pleased. "What in thunder," sed one uv em, "did they mean by pilin on the agony over the the Yanks we killed? by pledgin us to give up the ijee uv seceshen, and by pledgin on us to pay the Nashnel Yankee debt?"

"'Sh!" sed I; "easy over the rough places. My friend, they didn't mean it; or, ef they did, we didn't. Is a oath so hard to break? Wood it trouble that eminent patriot Breckenridge, after all the times he swore to support the Constitution, to sware to it wunst more? and wood it trouble him to break it any more than it did in '61? Nay, verily. Dismiss them gloomy thots. Vallandigham wuz kicked out; but a thousand mules, and all uv em old and experienced, cooden't kick him out uv our service. Doolittle talked Northern talk, coz it's a habit he got into doorin the war; but he'll git over it. Raymond will be on our side this year, certain, for last year he was agin us; and by the time he is ready to turn agin, he'll be worn to so small a pint that he won't be worth hevin; and the Democrisy uv the North wuz alluz ourn, and ef they wuzzent, the offices Johnson hez in reserve will draw em like lode stun.

"My deer sir, I wunst knowd a Irishman, who wuz sense killed in a Fenian raid, employed as a artist in well diggin. It wuz his lot to go to the bottom uv the excavation and load the buckets with earth. The dinner horn sounded, and he, with the alacrity characteristic uv the race, sprang into the bucket, and told em to hist away; and they histed. But ez they histed, they amoozed themselves a droppin earth onto him. 'Shtop!' sed he; but they didn't. 'Shtop!' sed he, 'or, be gorra! I'll cut the rope.' My dear sir, Randall, and Doolittle, and Seward, and Johnson are a histin us out uv the pit we fell into in 1860. Their little talk about debts, and slavery, and sich, is the earth they're droppin onto us for fun; but shel we, like ijeots, cut the rope? Nary! Let em hist; and when we're safe out, and on solid ground, we kin, ef we desire, turn and chuck em into the hole."

All went off satisfied: the Northern men, for they carried home with em their commishuns; I, feelin that my Post office wuz sekoor; for ef, with the show we've got, we can't reelect Johnson, the glory uv the Democracy hez departed indeed.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster.)



XXX.

The Great Presidential Excursion to the Tomb of Douglas.—An Account of the Ride of the Modern John Gilpin, who went a Pleasuring and came Home with nothing but the Necks of His Bottles: by His Chaplain.—From Washington to Detroit.

AT THE BIDDLE HOUSE (wich is in Detroit, Michigan), September the 4th, 1866.

Step by step I am assendin the ladder uv fame; step by step I am climbin to a proud eminence. Three weeks ago I wuz summoned to Washinton by that eminently grate and good man, Androo Johnson, to attend a consultation ez to the proposed Western tour, wich wuz to be undertaken for the purpose uv arousin the masses uv the West to a sence uv the danger wich wuz threatnin uv em in case they persisted in centralizin the power uv the Government into the hands uv a Congress, instid uv diffusin it throughout the hands uv one man, wich is Johnson. I got there too late to take part in the first uv the discussion. When I arrove they hed everything settled cepting the appintment uv a Chaplain for the excursion. The President insisted upon my fillin that position, but Seward objected. He wanted Beecher, but Johnson wuz inflexibly agin him. "I am determined," sez he, "to carry out my policy, but I hev some bowels left. Beecher hez done enuff already, considerin the pay he got. No, no! he shel be spared this trip; indeed he shel."

"Very good," said Seward; "but at least find some clergyman who endorses us without hevin P.M. to his honored name. It wood look better."

"I know it wood," replied Johnson; "but where kin we find sich a one? I hev swung around the entire circle, and heven't ez yet seen him. Nasby it must be."

There wuz then a lively discussion ez to the propriety, before the procession started, of removin all the Federal offis-holders on the proposed route, and appintin men who beleeved in us (Johnson, Beecher, and Me), that we might be shoor uv a sootable recepshun at each pint at wich we wuz to stop. The Annointed wuz in favor uv it. Sez he, "Them ez won't support my polisy shan't eat my bread and butter." Randall and Doolittle chimed in, for it's got to be a part of their religion to assent to whatever the President sez, but I mildly protested. I owe a duty to the party, and I am determined to do it.

"Most High," sez I, "a settin hen wich is lazy makes no fuss; cut its head off, and it flops about, for a while, lively. Lincoln's office-holders are settin hens. They don't like yoo nor yoor policy, but while they are on their nests, they will keep moderitly quiet. Cut off their heads, and they will spurt their blood in your face. Ez to bein enshoord of a reception at each point, you need fear nothin. Calkerlatin moderately, there are at least twenty-five or thirty patriots who feel a call for every offis in your disposal. So long, Yoor Highnis, ez them offisis is held just where they kin see em, and they don't know wich is to git em, yoo may depend upon the entire enthoosiasm uv each, individyooally and collectively. In short, ef there's 4 offises in a town, and yoo make the appointments, yoo hev sekoored 4 supporters; till yoo make the appointments yoo hev the hundred who expect to get em."

The President agreed with me that until after the trip the gullotine shood stop.

Secretary Seward sejested that a clean shirt wood improve my personal appearance, and akkordingly a cirkular wuz sent to the clerks in the Departments, assessin em for that purpose. Sich uv em ez refoosed to contribute their quota wuz instantly dismissed for disloyalty.

At last we started, and I must say we wuz got up in a highly conciliatory style. Every wun of the civilians uv the party wore buzzum pins, et settry, wich wuz presented to em by the Southern delegates to the Philadelphia Convention, wich wuz made uv the bones uv Federal soldiers wich hed fallen at various battles. Sum uv em were partiklerly valuable ez anteeks, hevin bin made from the bones uv the fust soldiers who fell at Bull Run.

The Noo York recepshun wuz a gay affair. I never saw His Imperial Highness in better spirits, and he delivered his speech to better advantage than I ever heard him do it before, and I bleeve I've heard it a hundred times. We left Noo York sadly. Even now, ez I write, the remembrance uv that perceshun, the recollection uv that banquet, lingers around me, and the taste uv them wines is still in my mouth. But we hed to go. We hed a mishn to perform, and we put ourselves on a steamboat and started.

ALBANY.—There wuz a immense crowd, but the Czar uv all the Amerikas didn't get orf his speech here. The Governor welcomed him, but he welcomed him ez the Cheef Magistrate uv the nashen, and happened to drop in Lincoln's name. That struck a chill over the party, and the President got out uv it ez soon ez possible. Bein reseeved ez Chief Magistrate, and not ez the great Pacificator, ain't His Eggslency's best holt. It wuz unkind uv Governor Fenton to do it. If he takes the papers, he must know that His Mightiness ain't got but one speech, and he ought to hev made sich a reception ez wood hev enabled him to hev got it off. We shook the dust off uv our feet, and left Albany in disgust.

SKENACTADY.—The people uv this delightfull little village wuz awake when the Imperial train arrived. The changes hadn't bin made in the offices here, and consekently there wuz a splendid recepshun. I didn't suppose there wuz so many patriots along the Mohawk. I wuz pinted out by sum one ez the President's private adviser—a sort uv private Secretary uv State; and after the train started, I found jest 211 petitions for the Post Offis in Skenaktedy in my side coat pocket, wich the patriots who hed hurrahed so vocifferously hed dexterously deposited there. The incident wuz a movin one. "Thank God!" thought I. "So long ez we hev the post offiees to give, we kin alluz hev a party." The Sultan swung around the cirkle wunst here, and leaving the Constooshun in their hands, the train moved off.

UTICA.—The President spoke here with greater warmth, and jerked more originality than I hed before observed. He introdoost here the remark that he didn't come to make a speech; that he wuz goin to shed a tear over the tomb uv Douglas; that, in swingin around the circle, he hed fought traitors on all sides uv it, but that he felt safe. He shood leave the Constooshn in their hands, and ef a martyr wuz wanted, he wuz ready to die with neetness and dispatch.

ROME.—Here we hed a splendid recepshun, and I never heard His Majesty speek more felicitously. He menshuned to the audience that he hed swung around the Southern side uv the cirkle, and wuz now swingin around the Northern side uv it, and that he wuz fightin traitors on all sides. He left the Constitooshun in their hands, and bid em good bye. I received at this pint only 130 petitions for the post office, wich I took ez a bad omen for the comin election.

LOCKPORT.—The President is improvin wonderfully. He rises with the occasion. At this pint he mentioned that he wuz sot on savin the country wich hed honored him. Ez for himself, his ambishn wuz more than satisfied. He hed bin Alderman, Member uv the Legislacher, Congressman, Senator, Military Governor, Vice-President, and President. He hed swung around the entire circle uv offises, and all he wanted now wuz to heal the wounds uv the nashen. He felt safe in leavin the Constooshn in their hands. Ez he swung around the cirkle—

At this pint I interrupted him. I told him that he hed swung around the cirkle wunst in this town, and ez yooseful ez the phrase wuz, it might spile by too much yoose.

At Cleveland we begun to get into hot water. Here is the post to which the devil uv Ablishnism is chained, and his chain is long enough to let him rage over neerly the whole State. I am pained to state that the President wuzn't treated here with the respeck due his station. He commenst deliverin his speech, but wuz made the subjeck uv ribald laffture. Skasely hed he got to the pint uv swingin around the cirkle, when a foul-mouthed nigger-lover yelled "Veto!" and another vocifferated "Noo Orleens!" and another remarked "Memphis!" and one after another interruption occurred until His Highness wuz completely turned off the track, and got wild. He forgot his speech, and struck out crazy, but the starch wuz out uv him, and he wuz worsted. Grant, wich we hed taken along to draw the crowds, played dirt on us here, and stepped onto a boat for Detroit, leavin us only Farragut ez a attraction, who tried twice to git away ditto, but wuz timely prevented. The President recovered his ekanimity, and swung around the cirkle wunst, and leavin the Constooshn in their hands, retired.

At the next pint we wuz astounded at seein but one man at the station. He wuz dressed with a sash over his shoulder, and wuz wavin a flag with wun hand, firin a saloot with a revolver with the other, and playin "Hail to the Chief!" on a mouth organ, all to wunst.

"Who are you, my gentle friend?" sez I.

"I'm the newly-appinted Postmaster, sir," sez he. "I'm a perceshun a waitin here to do honor to our Cheef Magistrate, all alone, sir. There wuz twenty Johnsonians in this hamlet, sir; but when the commishn came for me, the other nineteen wuz soured, and sed they didn't care a d——n for him nor his policy, sir. Where is the President?"

Androo wuz a goin to swing around the cirkle for this one man, and leave the Constooshn in his hands, but Seward checked him.

At Fremont we hed a handsome recepshun, for the offises hevn't bin changed there, but Toledo didn't do so well. The crowd didn't cheer Androo much, but when Farragut was trotted out they gave him a rouser, wich wuz anything but pleasin to the Cheef Magistrate uv this nashen, who bleeves in bein respected.

Finally we reeched Detroit. This bein a Democratic city, the President wuz hisself agin. His speech here wuz wun uv rare merit. He gathered together in one quiver all the sparklin arrows he had used from Washington to this point, and shot em one by one. He swung around the cirkle; he didn't come to make a speech; he hed bin Alderman uv his native town; he mite hev been Dicktater, but woodent; and ended with a poetickal cotashun wich I coodent ketch, but wich, ez neer ez I cood understand, wuz,—

"Kum wun, kum all; this rock shel fly From its firm base—in a pig's eye."

Here we repose for the nite. To-morrow we start onward, and shel continue swingin around the cirkle till we reach Chicago.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.



XXXI.

The Presidential Tour Continued.—From Detroit to Indianapolis.

POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), September 11, 1866.

I am at home, and glad am I that I am at home. Here in Kentucky, surrounded by Dimicrats, immersed a part of the time in my offishel dooties, and the balance uv the time in whiskey, with the privilege uv wallopin niggers, and the more inestimable and soothing privilege uv assistin in mobbin uv Northern Ablishnists, who are not yet all out uv the State, time passes pleasantly, and leaves no vain regrets. I alluz go to bed nites, feeling that the day hez not bin wasted.

From Detroit the Presidential cavalcade, or ez the infamous Jacobin Radical party irrevelently term it, the menajery, proceeded to Chicago. The recepshuns his Imperial Highniss received through Michigan were flatterin in the extreme. I continue my diary:

IPSLANTY.—At this pint the President displayed that originality and fertility uv imaginashun karacteristic uv him. The recepshun wuz grand. The masses called for Grant, and His Highness promptly responded. He asked em, ef he was Judis Iskariot who wuz the Saviour? Thad Stevens? If so, then after swingin around the cirkle, and findin traitors at both ends of the line, I leeve the 36 States with 36 stars onto em in yoor hands, and—

The train wuz off amid loud shouts uv "Grant! Grant!" to wich the President responded by wavin his hat.

ANN ARBOR.—At this pint the train moved in to the inspiring sounds uv a band playin "Hale to the Cheef," and vocifrous cries uv "Grant! Grant!" His Majesty smilinly appeared and thanked em for the demonstration. It was soothin, he remarked. The air their band wuz playin, "Hail to the Chief," wuz appropit, ez he wuz Chief Magistrate uv the nashen, to wich posishen he hed reached, hevin bin Alderman uv his native village, U.S. Senator, etsettry. The crowd hollered "Grant! Grant!" and the President thanked em for the demonstration. It showed him that the people wuz with him in his efforts to close his eyes on a Union uv 36 States and a flag uv 36 stars onto it. Ef I am a traitor, sed he, warmin up, who is the Judis Iscariot? Ez I'm swingin around the cirkle, I find Thad Stevens on the one side and Jeff' Davis on the—

The conductor cruelly startid the train, without givin him time to finish.

The crowd proposed three cheers for Grant, and the President waved his hat to em, sayin that he thanked em, showing as it did that the people wuz with him.

BATTLE CREEK.—A large number was assembled here, who, ez the train stopped, yelled "Grant! Grant!" Affected to tears by the warmth uv the reception, the President thanked em for this mark of confidence. Ef he ever hed any doubts ez to the people's being with him, these doubts wuz removed. He wood leave in their hands the flag and the Union uv 36 States, and the stars thereto appertaining. Ef he wuz a Joodis Iskariot who wuz—

The crowd gave three hearty cheers for Grant ez the train moved off, to wich the President responded by wavin his hat.

KALAMAZOO.—The offishels were on hand at this pint, and so wuz the people—4 offishels and several thousand people, which the latter greeted us with cheers for Grant! Grant! The President responded, sayin, that in swingin around the cirkle, he hed bin called Joodis Iskariot for sacrificin uv hisself for the people! Who wuz the Saviour? Wuz Thad Stevens? No! Then cleerly into yoor hands I leave the Constitution uv 36 stars with 36 States onto em, intact and undissevered.

The offishels received the stars and States, and amid cheers for Grant, for which the President thanked em, the train glode off magestically.

And so on to Chicago, where we didn't get off our speech, though from the manner in wich the people hollered Grant! Grant! we felt cheered at realizin how much they wuz with us. His eminence wanted to sling the 36 States and the flag with the stars at em, but ez General Logan wuz there, ready to fling em back, it wuz deemed highly prudent not to do it.

Here my trials commenst. At the Biddle House, in Detroit, the nigger waiters showed how much a African kin be spiled by bein free. They hed the impudence to refoose to wait on us, and for a half hour the imperial stumick wuz forced to fast. This alarmin manifestation uv negro malignancy alarmed His Eggsalency. "Thank God!" sed he, "that I vetoed the Freedmen's Buroo Bill. I hev bin Alderman uv my native town—I hev swung around the entire cirkle, but this I never dreemed uv. What would they do if they hed their rites?" The insident made an impression onto him, and at Chicago he resolved to trust em no longer. He ordered his meals to his room, and sent for me. "My friend," sed he, "taste evrything onto this table."

"Why? my liege," sed I.

"Niggers is cooks," sed he, "and this food may be pizoned. They hate me, for I ain't in the Moses bizness. Taste, my friend."

"But spozn," sed I, "that it shood be pizoned? Wat uv my bowels? My stomick is uv ez much valyoo to me ez yourn is to yoo."

"Nasby," sez he, "taste! Ef yoo die, who mourns? Ef I die, who'd swing around the cirkle? Who'd sling the flag and the 36 stars at the people, and who'd leave the Constooshn in their hands? The country demands the sacrifice; and besides, ef yoo don't, off goes yoor offishl head."

That last appele fetched me. Ruther than risk that offis I'd chaw striknine, for uv what akkount is a Dimokrat, who hez wunst tasted the sweets uv place, and is ousted? And from Chicago on I wuz forced to taste his food and likker—to act ez a sort uv a litenin-rod to shed off the vengeance uv the nigger waiters. I wood taste uv every dish and drink from each bottle, and ef I didn't swell up and bust in 15 minits His serene Highness wood take hold. I suffered several deaths. I resoom my diary:

JOLIET.—The crowd wuz immense. The peasantry, ez the train approached, rent the air with shouts uv "Grant!" "Grant!" His Potency, the President, promptly acknowledged the compliment. He was sacrificin hisself for them—who hed made greater sacrifices? He hed bin Alderman uv his native town, and Vice-President; he wuz too modest to make a speech; but ef he wuz Joodas Iskariot, who wuz the Saviour? He hed swung around the cirkle, and hedn't found none so far. He left in their hands the—

And so on, until near St. Louis, when we penetrated a Democratic country, uv wich I informed his Majesty. "How knowest thou?" sez he. "Easy," sez I. "I observe in the crowds a large proportion uv red noses, and hats with the tops off. I notice the houses unpainted, with pig pens in front ov em; and what is more, I observe that crowds compliment yoo direct, instead of doin it, ez heretofore, over Grant's shoulders. The Knights uv the Golden Cirkle, wich I spect is the identical cirkle yoo've bin swingin around lately, love yoo and approach yoo confidently."

The President brisked up, and from this to Indianapolis he spoke with a flooidity I never observed in him before. I may say, to yoose a medikle term, that he had a hemorrhage uv words. At the latter city our reception was the most flatrin uv eny we have experienced. The people, when the President appeared on the balcony uv the Bates House, yelled so vociferously for Grant, that the President, when he stepped forward to acknowledge the compliment, coodent be heard at all. He waved his hat; and the more he waved it the more complimentary the crowd became. "Grant!" "Grant!" they yelled; and the more the President showed himself the more they yelled Grant, until, overpowered by the warmth uv the recepshun, and unwillin to expose his health, the President retired without slingin a speech at em, but entirely satisfied that the people wuz with him.

The next mornin the office-holders uv the State, without the people, assembled, and he made his regler speech to em, wich appeared to be gratifyin to both him and them. The President does not like to sleep with a undelivered speech on his mental stumick. It gives him the nitemare.

Here I left the party, for a short time, that I mite go home and attend to my official dooties. There is five Northern families near the Corners wich must hev notice to leave, and eight niggers to hang. I hed orders to report to the party somewhere between Looisville and Harrisburgh, wich I shall do, ez, travelin by order, I get mileage and sich.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.



XXXII.

The End of the Presidential Tour.—From Louisville to Washington.

WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D.C., September, 12, '66.

I rejined the Presidenshel party at Looisville, and glad I am that I did it at that pint. His Imperial Serenity hed bin pleased ever sence he left Chicago, or rather sence he got near St. Loois, for two-thirds uv Illinois wuz pizen, and Indianapolis wuz pizener. From St. Loois the recepshuns wuz trooly corjel and even enthoosiastic. We got out uv the region uv aristocrats, and hed come down to the hard-fisted yomanry. I seed holes thro the hats uv men; I seed wat mite be called the flag uv Democrisy wavin from behind em, which, ez they genrally either had no coats at all, or if any, they were roundabouts, wuz alluz in view. I saw wimen who disdained stockins and dipped snuff, and I felt to home. I wuz among Democracy. The cheerin for Grant and Farragut closed ez we got into them regions, and uv the vociferous crowds half uv em, the younger ones, cheered Andrew Johnson, while the old veterans, them whose noses wuz blossomin for the tomb, cheered for Andrew Jackson. His Serenity smilinly acknowledged both, by makin a speech to em, and wavin his hat.

With these preliminary remarks I resoom my diary:—

LOUISVILLE.—There wuz a magnificent demonstration here. His Imperial Majesty, who wuz in a eggslent condition to make crowds large enough, remarked to me as we wuz ridin through the streets: "'Splen 'splay! 'Mor'n ten 'unerd sousand people—mor'n ten million people—mor'n ten 'unerd million people—mor'n ten 'unerd sousand million people—and alluvum 'sporters my policy. 'Rah for me!"

His Majesty ondoubtedly eggsagerated towards the last; but it is safe to put the throng down at a good many. That estimate is entirely safe. There wuz the finest display uv banners and sich I hev seen since we startid. The red white and red wuz displayed from almost half the houses, ladies waved their handkerchiefs ez we passed, and men cheered. A pleasin incident occurd here. I noticed one gushin maiden uv thirty-seven wavin her handkercher ez tho she was gettin so much per wave, and had rent to pay that nite. I recognized her to wunst. When I wuz a citizen uv Ohio, and wuz drafted into the service uv the United States, and clothed in a bob-tailed blue coat, and hed a Oystran muskit put into my unwillin hands, and forced to fite agin my brethren, our regiment passed thro Looisville and stayed there some days. I wuz walkin one afternoon, when I met this identical angel. She saw my bloo kote, and enraged, spit in my face with sich energy that she threw out uv her mouth a full sett uv false teeth. I returned em gallantly, wiped my face with my handkercher, and vowed that handkercher shood henceforth be kept sacred. It wuz; and when I seed her wavin hern at our party, I wept like a Philadelphia Convenshen. I stopped the carriage, met the patriotic female, called her attention to the incident, and handed her my handkercher which hed, four years before, wiped her spittle. The incident gave new vigor to her arms, and from that time she waved two handkerchers, and mine wuz one uv em. I narrated the insident to the President, and he wept.

There wuz a large perceshen and a great variety of banners. Among the most noticeable, wuz a company uv solgers uv the late war, each with a leg off, dressed in the gray uniforms into wich they hed been mustered out, with this motto: "We are willin to go the other leg for A. Jonson." Another company uv solgers, who hed each lost an arm, carried this inscription: "What we didn't get by bullets, we shel get by ballots."

The President cut down his speech jest one half here. In swingin around the cirkle he omitted to menshen that he found traitors on the Southern side uv it. But he left the constooshn in their hands cheerfully.

CINCINNATI.—A very enthoosiastic recepshen—continyood and loud cheers for Grant, wich the President acknowledged. A unsophisticated Postmaster, who jined us here, wanted to know why the people cheered for Grant instid uv the President, to which His Highness answered that they wuz considrit—they knew his modesty, and wanted to spare his blushes. Another man, who wuz also unsophisticated, asked him, confidenshelly, ef he didn't think there wuz a samenis in his speeches, and that ef he didn't think he'd do better to give a greater variety. His Eggslency asked him how there cood be more variety. "At Cincinnati," sed he, "I observed the followin order:—

1. I swung around the cirkle.

2. I asked who wuz the Saviour ef I wuz Joodis Iskariot?

3. I left the Constitooshn, the 36 States, and the flag with 36 stars onto it, in their hands.

Now, at Columbus, I shel vary it thusly:

1. The Constitooshn, flag, and stars.

2. The Joodis Iskariot biznis.

3. Swingin around the cirkle.

At Stoobenville, agin, ez follows:

1. Joodis Iskariot.

2. Swingin around the cirkle.

3. Constitooshn, flag, and stars.

And so on. It's susceptible uv many changes. I thot uv that when I writ that speech, and divided it up into sections on purpose."

JOHNSTOWN, PA.—A bridge fell down, onto wich wuz 400 voters, killin a dozen uv em. His Eggslency felt releeved when heerin uv the axident, at bein asshoored that there wuzn't wun uv his supporters on the bridge. He considered it a speshl Providence. The condukter overheerd the remark, and answered, that ef any uv his supporters wuz killed in that seckshun they'd have to import wun for the purpose.

MIFFLIN, PA.—A enthoosiastic indivijjle who wants the Post Office at this place very much, fell on the President's neck, and wept, hailin him ez the "Preserver uv the Union." The President thanked him for this spontaneous triboot, and left in his hands the Constitooshun, the flag, and the appintment he desired.

BALTIMORE.—There wuz a spontaneous recepshun here, wich wuz gratifying to us. The perceshun wuz immense, and the mottoes expressive. One division wuz headed by the identikle indivijooel who fired the first shot at the Massachusetts men in 1861. He is a ardent supporter uv President Johnson's policy. One flag wuz capchered from a Injeany regiment at the first Bull Run, at wich the President wept. "Things is becomin normal," sed he, "when the people will stand that. Wat love!—wat unity! The flags uv both secshuns, wich was lately borne by foes, now minglin in the same proceshun, and all uv em cheerin ME."

At last we arrived at Washinton, hevin swung entirely round the cirkle, and found traitors North and South. The demonstrashen to greet the President on his arrival was immense. The clerks in all the departments wuz out (at least them ez wuzn't will wish they hed bin, ez their names wuz all taken), the solgers on duty wuz ordered out, and altogether it wuz the most spontaneous exhibition I ever witnest. The Mayor made a speech. The President asked if he was Joodis Iscariot who wuz the Saviour—told him he had swung around the entire cirkle, and hed found traitors on all sides uv it, though sence he left Cleveland, Chicago, and Indianapolis he wuz satisfied there wuz the heft uv them in the North; but be this ez it may, he left the Constooshn, and the 36 States, and the flag with 36 stars onto it, in his hands. He had bin Alderman uv his native village, and Congressman, and United States Senator, and Vice-President, and President, wich latter circumstance he considered forchinit, but wuz, after all, an Humble Indivij'le. He didn't feel his oats much, and wood do his dooty agin traitors North, ez well as agin his misguided friends South.

And so ended the Presidential excursion.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.

P.S. I forgot to menshun that at Chicago we laid the corner-stone uv a monument to Douglas. The occurence hed entirely slipped my memory.

P.V.N.



XXXIII.

At Home again.—A detailed Account of Soul-harrowing Outrages inflicted upon the People of Confederate x Roads by a Party of Freedmen, and how the Insult was wiped out.

POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), September 16, 1866.

I found my flock in a terrible state uv depression, at which, when I wuz told the cause, I didn't wonder at. There wuz, back of the Corners on the side hill, over towards Garrettstown, about three quarters uv a mile this side of Abbott's grocery (we estimate distance here from one grocery to another), five or six families uv niggers. The males of this settlement had all been in the Federal army ez soljers, and hed saved their pay, and bounty, and sich, and hed bought uv a disgustid Confederate, who proposed to find in Mexico that freedom which was denied him here, and who, bein determined to leave the country, didn't care who he sold his plantashen to, so ez he got greenbax, three hundred acres, wich they hed divided up, and built cabins onto em, and wuz a cultivatin it. There wuz a store-keeper at the Corners who come here from Illinoy, and who hed been so greedy uv gain and so graspin ez to buy their prodoose uv em, and sell em sich supplies ez they needed. These accursed sons and daughters of Ham was a livin there in comfort. The thing was a gittin unendoorable. They come to the Corners dressed in clothes without patches, and white shirts, and hats on; and the females in dresses, and hoops under em; in short, these apes hed assoomed so much uv the style uv people that ef it hadn't bin for their black faces, they wood have passed for folks.

Our people become indignant, and ez soon ez I returned, I was requested to call a meetin to consider the matter, which I uv course did.

The horn wuz tootid, and the entire Corners wuz assembled, eggscepting the Illinoy store-keeper, who didn't attend to us much. I stated briefly and elokently (I hev improved in public speakin sense I heered His Serene Highness, Androo the I., all the way from Washinton to Looisville), and asked the brethren to ease their minds.

Squire Gavitt hed observed the progress uv them niggers with the most profoundest alarm. He hed noticed em comin to the Corners, dressed better nor his family dressed, and sellin the produx uv their land to that wretch—

At this point the Illinoy store-keeper come in, and the Squire proceeded.

—he shood say Mr. Pollock, and he hed made inquiries, and found that one family hed sold three hundred and seventy-five dollars worth uv truck, this season, uv which they hed laid out for clothes and books two hundred dollars, leavin em one hundred and seventy-five dollars in cash, which was more money than he hed made sense the accursed Linkin passed the emancipashen proclamation. And what hed driv the iron into his soul wuz the fact that wun of them niggers wuz his nigger. "The money they hev," pursood the Squire, "is MY MONEY; that man worth $1500 is my man; his wife is my woman; her children my children—"

"That's a literal fact!" shouted Joe Bigler, a drunken, returned Confederate sojer; "they hev yoor nose eggsactly, and they're the meanest yaller brats in the settlement."

This unhappy remark endid in a slite unpleasantness, wich resultid in the Squire's bein carried out, minus one ear, and his nose smashed. Joseph remarked that he'd wantid to git at him ever sense he woodn't lend him a half dollar two months ago. He was now satisfied, and hoped this little episode woodn't mar the harmony uv the meetin.

Elder Smathers observed that he hed noticed with pain that them niggers alluz hed money, and wuz alluz dresst well, while we, their sooperiors, hed no money, and nothin to boast uv in the way uv close. He wood say—

Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, put in. Ef the Elder wood work ez them niggers wuz workin, and not loaf over half the time at Bascom's grocery, he mite possibly hev a hull soot uv close, and now and then a dollar in money. It wuz here, ez it wuz in all strikly Dimekratic communities, the grocery keepers absorb all the floatin capital, and—

He wuz not allowed to proceed. Bascom flung a chair at him, and four or five uv his constitooents fell on him. He wuz carried out for dead. Bascom remarked that he wuz for the utmost freedom uv speech, but in the discussion uv a grate Constooshnel question, no Illinoy Ablishnist shood put in his yawp. The patriotic remark wuz cheered, but when Bascom ask't the whole meetin out to drink, the applause wuz uproarious. Bascom alluz gets applause; he knows how to move an audience.

Deekin Pogram sed he'd bore with them niggers till his patience wuz gin out. He endoored it till last Sunday. After service he felt pensive, ruther, and walked out towards Garrettstown, meditatin, as he went, on the sermon he hed listened to that mornin on the necessity uv the spread of the Gospil. Mournin in sperit over the condition of the heathen, he didn't notis where he wuz till he found hisself in the nigger settlement, and in front uv one uv their houses. There he saw a site wich paralyzed him. There wuz a nigger, wich wuz wunst his nigger, wich Linkin deprived him uv, settin under his porch, and a profanin the Holy Bible by teachin his child to read it! "Kin this be endoored?" the Deekin asked.

Deekin Parkins sed he must bear his unworthy testimony agin these disturbers. They hed—he knowd whereof he spoke—hired a female woman from Massachusetts to teach their children! He hed bin in their skool-room, and with his own eyes witnest it.

Bascom, the grocery keeper, hed bin shocked at their conduct. He wuz convinct that a nigger wuz a beast. They come to the Corners to sell the produx of their lands; do they leave their money at his bar? Nary! They spend sum uv it at the store uv a disorganizer from Illinoy, who is here interferin with the biznis uv troo Southern men, but he hed never seed one uv em inside his door. He hed no pashence with em, and believed suthin shood be done to rid the community uv sich yooseless inhabitance. Ef they ever git votes they'r agin us. No man who dodges my bar ever votes straight Dimocrisy.

Ginral Punt moved that this meetin do to wunst proceed to the settlement, and clean em out. They wuz a reproach to Kentucky. Of course, ez they were heathens and savages, sich goods ez they hed wood fall to the righteous, uv whom we wuz which, and he insisted upon a fair divide. All he wanted wuz a bureau and a set uv chairs he hed seen.

The motion wuz amendid to inclood Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, and it wuz to wunst acted upon.

Pollock wuz reconstructed first. Filled with zeal for the right, his door wuz bustid in, and in a jiffy the goods wich he wuz a contaminatin our people with wuz distributed among the people, each takin sich ez sooted em. Wun man sejested that ez they wuz made by Yankees, and brought south by Yankees, that there wuz contaminashen in the touch uv em, and that they be burned, but he wuz hooted down, our people seein a distinction. The contaminashen wuz in payin for em; gittin em gratooitusly took the cuss off.

Elated, the crowd started for the settlement. I never saw more zeal manifested. A half hour brought us there, and then a scene ensood wich filled me with joy onspeekable. The niggers wuz routed out, and their goods wuz bundled after em. The Bibles and skool books wuz destroyed first, coz we hed no use for them; their chairs, tables, and bureaus, clothin and beddin, wuz distributed. A wooman hed the impudence to beg for suthin she fancied, when the righteous zeal uv my next door neighbor, Pettus, biled over, and he struck her. Her husband, forgettin his color, struck Pettus, and the outrage wuz completed. A nigger hed raised his hand agin a white man!

The insulted Caucashen blood riz, and in less than a minit the bodies uv six male Ethiopians wuz a danglin in the air, and the bodies uv six Ethiopian wimin wuz layin prostrate on the earth. The children wuz spared, for they wuz still young, and not hevin bin taught to read so far that they could not forgit it, ef kept carefully from books, they kin be brought up in their proper speer, ez servance to their brethern. (By the way, the inspired writer must hev yoosed this word "brethern," in this connection, figeratively. The nigger, bein a beast, cannot be our brother.) Some may censure us for too much zeal in this matter, but what else cood we hev dun? We are high toned, and can't stand everything. These niggers hed no rite to irritate us by their presence. They knowd our feelins on the subjick, and by buyin land and remainin in the visinity, they kindled the flame wich resulted ez it did. Ez they did in Memphis and Noo Orleans, they brought their fate onto their own heads.

Pollock recovered, and with the Yankee school marm who wuz a teechin the niggers, left for the North yesterday. It speeks well for the forbearance uv our people that they wuz permitted to depart at all.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn.



XXXIV.

Is requested to act as Chaplain of the Cleveland Convention.—That Beautiful City visited for that Purpose.

POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), September 20, 1866.

I wuz sent for to come to Washington, from my comfortable quarters at the Post Offis, to attend the convenshun uv sich soldiers and sailors uv the United States ez bleeve in a Union uv 36 States, and who hev sworn allejinse to a flag with 36 stars onto it, at Cleveland. My esteemed and life-long friend and co-laborer, Rev. HENRY WARD BEECHER, wuz to hev bin the chaplin uv the convenshun, but he failed us, and it wuz decided in a Cabinet meetin that I shood take his place. I didn't see the necessity uv hevin a chaplin at every little convenshun uv our party, and so stated; but Seward remarked, with a groan, that ef ever there wuz a party, since parties wuz invented, wich needed prayin for, ours wuz that party. "And, Parson," sed he, glancin at a list uv delegates, "ef yoo hev any agonizin petitions, any prayers uv extra fervency, offer em up for these fellers. Ef there is any efficacy in prayer, it's my honest, unbiased opinion that there never wuz in the history uv the world, nor never will be agin, sich a magnificent chance to make it manifest. Try yoorself particularly on Custer; tho', after all," continyood he, in a musin, abstracted sort uv a way, wich he's fallen into lately, "the fellow is sich a triflin bein, that he reely kin hardly be held 'sponsible for what he's doin; and the balance uv em, good Hevens! they'r mostly druv to it by hunger." And the Secretary maundered on suthin about "sixty days" and "ninety days," paying no more attention to the rest uv us than ez ef we wuzn't there at all.

So, receevin transportashen and suffishent money from the secret service fund for expenses, I departed for Cleveland, and after a tejus trip thro' an Ablishn country, I arrived there. My thots were gloomy beyond expression. I hed recently gone through this same country ez chaplin to the Presidential tour, and every stashen hed its pecooliar onpleasant remembrances. Here wuz where the cheers for Grant were vociferous, with nary a snort for His Eggslency; there wuz where the peasantry laft in his face when he went thro' with the regler ritooal uv presentin the constitooshn and the flag with 36 stars onto it to a deestrick assessor; there wuz—but why recount my sufferins? Why harrow up the public bosom, or lasserate the public mind? Suffice to say, I endoored it; suffice to say that I hed strength left to ride up Bank street, in Cleveland, the scen uv the most awful insult the Eggsecutive ever receeved.

The evenin I arrived, the delegates, sich ez wuz on hand, held a informal meetin to arrange matters so ez they wood work smooth when the crowd finally got together. Genral Wool wuz ez gay and frisky ez though he reely belonged to the last ginerashn. There wuz Custar, uv Michigan, with his hair freshly oiled and curled, and busslin about ez though he hed cheated hisself into the beleef that he reely amounted to suthin; and there wuz seventy-eight other men, who hed distinguished theirselves in the late war, but who hed never got their deserts, ceptin by brevet, owin to the fact that the Administrashn wuz Ablishn, which they wuzn't. They were, in a pekuniary pint uv view, suthin the worse for wear, tho' why that shood hev bin the case I coodent see (they hevin bin, to an alarmin extent, quartermasters and commissaries, and in the recrootin service), til I notist the prevailin color uv their noses, and heerd one uv em ask his neighbor ef Cleveland wuz blest with a faro bank! Then I knowd all about it.

There wuz another pekooliarity about it which for a time amoozed me. Them ez wuz present wuz divided into 2 classes—those ez hed bin recently appinted to posishens, and them ez expected to be shortly. I notist on the countenances uv the first class a look uv releef, sich ez I hev seen in factories Saturday nite, after the hands wuz paid off for a hard week's work; and on the other class the most wolfish, hungry, fierce expression I hev ever witnessed. Likewise, I notist that the latter set uv patriots talked more hefty uv the necessity uv sustainin the policy uv our firm and noble President, and damned the Ablishunists with more emphasis and fervency than the others.

One enthoosiastic individual, who hed bin quartermaster two years, and hed bin allowed to resign "jest after the battle, mother," wich, hevin his papers all destroyed, made settlin with the government a easy matter, wuz so feroshus that I felt called upon to check him. "Gently, my frend," sed I, "gently! I hev bin thro' this thing; I hev my commission. It broke out on me jest ez it hez on yoo; but yoo won't git yoor Assessorship a minit sooner for it."

"It ain't a Assessorship I want," sez he. "I hev devoted myself to the task uv bindin up the wounds uv my beloved country—"

"Did you stop anybody very much from inflictin them sed wounds?" murmured I.

"An ef I accept the Post Orfis in my native village,—which I hev bin solissited so strongly to take that I hev finally yielded,—I do it only that I may devote my few remainin energies wholly to the great cause uv restorin the 36 States to their normal posishens under the flag with 36 stars onto it, in spite uv the Joodis Iskariots wich, ef I am whom, wat is the Saviour, and—and where is—"

Perseevin that the unfortunate man hed got into the middle uv a quotashen from the speech uv our noble and patriotic President, and knowin his intellek wuzn't hefty enough to git it off jist as it wuz originally delivered, I took him by the throat, and shet off the flood uv his elokence.

"Be quiet, yoo idiot!" remarked I, soothingly, to him. "Yoo'll git your apintment, becoz, for the fust time in the history uv this or any other Republic, there's a market for jist sich men ez yoo; but all this blather won't fetch it a minit sooner."

"Good Lord!" tho't I, ez I turned away, "wat a President A.J. is, to hev to buy up sich cattle! Wat a postmaster he must be, whose gineral cussedness turns my stummick!"

It wuz deemed necessary to see uv wat we wuz compozed; whereupon Kernel K——, who is now Collector uv Revenue in Illinoy, asked ef there wuz ary man in the room who hed bin a prizner doorin the late fratricidle struggle. A gentleman uv, perhaps, thirty aroze, and sed he wuz. He hed bin taken three times, and wuz, altogether, 18 months in doorance vile in three diffrent prizns.

Custar fell on his neck, and asked him, aggitatidly, ef he wuz shoor—quite shoor, after sufferin all that, that he supported the policy of the President? Are you quite shoor—quite shoor?

"I am," returned the phenomenon. "I stand by Andrew Johnson and his policy, and I don't want no office!!"

"Hev yoo got wun?" shouted they all in korus.

"Nary!" sed he. "With me it is a matter uv principle!"

"Wat prizns wuz yoo incarcerated in?" asked I, lookin at him with wonder.

"Fust at Camp Morton, then at Camp Douglas, and finally at Johnson's Island!"

Custar dropt him, and the rest remarked that, while they hed a very helthy opinion uv him, they guessed he'd better not menshen his presence, or consider hisself a delegate. Ez ginerous foes they loved him ruther better than a brother; yet, as the call didn't quite inclood him, tho' there wuz a delightful oneness between em, yet, ef 'twuz all the same, he hed better not announce hisself. He wuz from Kentucky, I afterwards ascertained.

The next mornin, suthin over two hundred more arriv; and the delegashens bein all in, it wuz decided to go on with the show. A big tent hed bin brought on from Boston to accommodate the expected crowd, and quite an animated discussion arose ez to wich corner uv it the Convenshun wuz to ockepy. This settled, the biznis wuz begun. Genral WOOL wuz made temporary Chairman, to wich honor he responded in a elokent extemporaneous speech, which he read from manuscript. General EWING made another extemporaneous address, which he read from manuscript, and we adjourned for dinner.



The dinner hour was spent in caucussin privately in one uv the parlors uv the hotel. The Chairman asked who shood make speeches after dinner, wen every man uv em pulled from his right side coat pocket a roll uv manuscript, and sed he hed dotted down a few ijees wich he hed conclooded to present extemporaneously to the Convenshun. That Babel over, the Chairman sed he presoomed some one shood be selected to prepare a address; whereupon every delegate rose, and pulled a roll uv manuscript from his left side coat pocket, and sed he hed dotted down a few ijees on the situashn, wich he proposed to present, et settry. This occasioned another shindy; wen the Chairman remarked "Resolushens," wen every delegate rose, pulled a roll uv manuscript from his right breast coat pocket, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees, wich, &c.

I stood it until some one mentioned me ez Chaplin to the expedition West, when the pressure becum unendurable. They sposed I was keeper uv the President's conscience, and I hed not a minit's peece after that. In vain I ashoored em that, there bein no consciences about the White House, no one could hold sich a offis; in vain I ashoored em that I hed no influence with His Majesty. Two thirds uv em pulled applicashens for places they wanted from the left breast coat pocket, and insistid on my takin em, and seem that they was appinted. I told em that I cood do nuthin for em; but they laft me to skorn. "You are jist the style uv man," said they, "who hez inflooence with His Eggslency, and yoo must do it." Hemmed in, there wuz but one way uv escape, and that way I took. Seezin a carpet sack, wich, by the way, belonged to a delegate (I took it to give myself the look of a traveler), I rushed to the depot, and startid home, entirely satisfied that ef Cleveland may be taken as a sample, the less His Majesty depends on soljers, the better.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn.

P.S. I opened the carpet sack on the train, spectin to find a clean shirt in it, at least. It contained, to my disgust, an address to be read before the Cleveland Convention, a set uv resolutions, a speech, and a petition uv the proprietor thereof for a collectorship, signed by eight hundred names, and a copy uv the Indiana State Directory for 1864. The names wuz in one hand-writin, and wuz arranged alphabetically.



XXXV.

An Appeal to the People just before the October Elections.

POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), October 1, 1866.

President Johnson, who hez bin likened to Androo Jaxon, and wich, since my appintment I conseed him to be, in many partikelers, his sooperior, requested me and William H. Seward (his secretary and chaplin) to draw up and publish to the Democracy of the various States holdin elecshuns this fall an address, or ruther an appeal, firmly beleevin that hed he extendid his tour to Maine, and isshood an address to em, that that state wood not hev gone ez it did. William refoozed to take part in the appeal, sayin that it warnt uv no use, and so the dooty devolved upon me.

DEMOCRATS AND CONSERVATIVES UV THE NORTH:

Appresheatin the gravity uv the isshoo, I address yoo. The signs uv the times is ominus. A Radikle Congress, electid durin the time when the Southin States, wich comprises reely all the intellek uv this people, didn't take no part in the elekshen, bein too bizzy gettin out uv Sherman's way to open polls,—a Congress, I repeat, in wich there ain't no Southern man, and wich consekently kant, by any stretch uv the hooman imaginashen, be considered Constitooshnel, hez dared to thwart the President uv the United States, and set up its will agin hisn! I need skarcely recount its high-handed acts uv usurpashen. It passed a bill givin rites to niggers, wich, accordin to Scripter (see Onesimus, Ham, and Hagar, the only three texts in Scripter uv any partikeler account) and the yoosages uv the Democrisy, ain't got no rites; and the President, exercisin the high prerogatives put into his hands by the Constitooshen, vetoed it. Here the matter should hev endid. He hed expressed, in a manner strikly Constitooshenel, his objecshens to the measure; and a proper regard for his feelins, and just deference for his opinions, ought to hev indicated the right course. Here wuz peace offered this Congres. Here wuz the tender uv a olive branch. The President didn't want a quarrel with Congres; he didn't desire a continyooance uv the agitation wich hed shook the country like a Illinois ager; but he desired Peece. Congres cood hev hed it hed they only withdrawed their crood noshens uv what wus rite and what wuz wrong; ratified, ez they shood hev done, sich laws ez the President saw fit to make: in short, hed they follered the correct rool when we hev a Demokratic President, and put the Government in his hands, with an abidin trust in his rectitood and wisdom, we mite hev avoided this struggle, and thus wood hev bin peaceful. But this reckless Congris, bent upon consentrating power in its hands instid uv dividin it between him and Seward, passed the bill over his head, regardlis uv his feelins! The responsibility for the dissension rests, therefore, with Congres.

But these questions are altogether too hefty for the Demokratic intellek, and I fling em out for the considerashen uv the few Post Masters we get from the Union ranks. To the Dimocrisy I Address myself more partickerlerly.

DO YOU WANT TO MARRY A NIGGER? This ishoo is agin before yoo. Are you in favor uv elevatin the Afrikin to a posishen where he kin be yoor ekal, or perhaps yoor sooperior? That ishoo is agin before yoo for yoor decision, only the danger to yoo is increased. The matter has become threatening; for, disgise it ez we may, thousands uv em kin read, and they are akkumulatin property, and wearin good clothes to a extent trooly alarmin to the Dimokratic mind. We hev alluz consoled ourselves with the soothin reflection that there wuz a race lower down in the scale uv humanity than us uns. Shall we continue to enjoy that comfort? That's the question for every Dimokrat to consider when he votes this fall. Remove the weight uv legal disability, and ten to one ef they don't outstrip us even, and then where are we goin to look for a race to look down upon? It's a close thing atween us now; and ez we uv this generation can't elevate ourselves, why, for our own peece uv mind, we must,—I repeet it,—MUST pull them down.

Agin then I repeet, DO YOU WANT TO MARRY A NIGGER? Yoor daughters wunst carried banners onto wich wuz inskribed that trooly Dimokratic motto, "White husbands or none!" and in consequence they've bin mostly livin in the enjoyment uv none. Are they to go back on that holy determinashen to preserve the Anglo Sackson race on this continent in its purity? Do yoo want the nigger—the big buck nigger—the flat-footed nigger—the woolly-headed nigger—the long-heeled nigger—the bow-legged nigger—the NIGGER—to step up aside uv yoo, and exercise the prerogatives uv freemeen in this country? Do you want the nigger aforesed to be mayors uv your towns, with all the hatred they hev towards us? Wat chance, O Dimokratic dweller in cities! think yoo yoo'd hev if hauled up afore a nigger mayor on a charge uv disorderly conduct? Wat chance wood yoor children hev in a skool uv wich all the teechers wuz niggers? Wat chance wood yoo hev wen arrestid for small misdemeanors, afore nigger judges?

How, let me ask, in the name of High Heaven, wood yoo like to be tried for hoss stealin afore a nigger jury?

"But," say some uv yoo, who, set ravin by drums, and flags, and sich, went off violently into the war, and wuz, perhaps, saved from starvin by niggers, "these niggers wuz our friends in the late war—they fought agin the South!"

O, wat a deloosion! O, wat blindnis! Troo, they did; and that shows the danger that's afore us; that lifts the fog from the precipise onto wich we are standin, and shows us our danger. Wat does this fact prove? It proves the onreasonableness uv the Nigger—his discontentednis with the posishen to wich nacher assigned him, and his cussid disposition to upset the normal condition. The Bible makes him a servant unto his brethren (see Ham, Hagar, and Onesimus, three blessed texts). Science proves him to be, not a man, but a beast; and so, take him ez we may, either ez our brother or ez a beast,—and Dimocrisy, with that liberality wich hez always distinguished it, gives every man his choice wich theory to take,—his condition is servitood. But he, with a cussidness, a perversity wich I never cood understand, flies into the face uv the Divine decree, flies into the face uv science, and asserts his independence! He turned agin them ez hed fostered him; turned agin, in many instances, his own parents (in these instances, for convenience, the parents adopted the brethren theory), and for an abstract idea fought agin em. That restlessness under bonds alarmed the Dimocratic mind. We who owned em under the Skripter (see Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham), and under the eternal laws uv scientific trooth wuz content with the arrangement, and why shood they not hev bin? Things wuz normal. They worked, and we eat; and ef they hed bin content with this ekitable division uv the labor uv life, all wood hev bin smooth to-day.

Their takin part agin us at the South, and in favor uv the Federals, is, instead uv a coz uv feelin good toward em, a source uv oneasiness; instid uv bein a reason for elevatin uv em, it's my principal reason for depressin uv em. Sich onsettled minds shood be quieted; this itchin to raise theirselves shood be crushed out uv em, that Science and Holy Writ (see Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham) may be vindicated.

Shel we desert Androo Johnson, after all the trouble he hez bin to in gettin back to us? Shel we elect a Congres this fall so soaked in Ablishin—so filled with objeckshuns to our Southern brethren, ez to refooze to receive em back into the seats which they vacated? Consider! The Southern Dimokracy hevn't, and don't, lay up nothin agin yoo. They are willin to forgive and forget. They failed, but they are willin to forgiv the cause uv the failyoor. They hevn't got the government they wanted, but they find no fault with that, but are willin to take charge of the wun they hev bin compelled to live under. Kin they offer fairer? The fate uv war wuz agin em. Buryin all hard feelins, they extend to us Chrischen charity, and say, Here we are—take us—give us our old places. They hev bin chastened. Their household gods hev bin destroyed, and their temples torn down. Wun neighbor uv mine lost two sons in the Confedrit army; another son, which he hed refoosed $1500 for in 1860, he wuz compelled to shoot, coz he wuz bound to run away into the Federal army; and two octoroons, which he hed a dozen times refoosed $2500 for, each, in Noo Orleans, he saw layin dead on the steps uv a skool house in Memphis. Hez he suffered nothin? And yet he is willin to take a seat in Congress—forgettin all he hez suffered, and forgivin the cause thereof. What wickedness it is wich would further bruise sich a broken reed!

Therefore, ez yoo love yourselves and hate the nigger, I implore yoo to act. Take yoor choice uv the platforms uv the different States—vote ez a Johnson Unionist, or ez a Democratic Johnsonian—but vote.

Kentucky holds out her hands appealingly! Kentucky implores yoo to bild up a bulwark North uv the Ohio River to save what little is left uv pure Dimocracy there! Kentucky will back yoo in yoor endeavors. Will you heed her cry? Shel she appeel in vain? Forbid it, Hevin!

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster).



XXXVI.

The October Elections.—The Effect the Result produced in Kentucky.



CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), October 14, 1866.

There is mournin in Kentucky. The results of the elections in Ohio, Injeany, Pennsylvany, and Iowa reached me yesterday through a Looisville paper, wich wuz dropped off the cars at Secessionville, wich is the nearest station to us, and wich, I hapnin to be there, I picked up.

Ohio—40,000 Ablishin!

Injeany—20,000 Ablishin!

Pennsylvany—20,000 Ablishin!

Iowa—30,000 Ablishin!

ABLISHIN! Wat a dreery waste uv Ablishin! Not a single oasis uv Dimocrisy anywhere,—nary Aryrat on wich our ark kin rest in safety,—but all around us the mad waves uv Ablishnism rearin their crestid heads muchly.

I felt it my dooty to make this fact known to my neighbors; for, sposin that His Serene Highness' trip wood secure us enuff deestricts to make the next Congress safe, and consekently make us certin uv admission, they hed been makin arrangements for restorin things to their normal condishun, ez they were before the war.

In fact, two weeks before, in view of the expected success uv the Democracy, a meetin hed bin held on the subject. Some wuz for at once seezin the niggers wherever they cood be found, and puttin em at work; but the conservatives overruled this. They held that slavery hed bin abolished, and that it ought not be restored; in fact, that, to act in good faith, it cood not be reestablished. Deekin Pogram announced a plan. The town authorities shood pass a ordinance for the proper government uv the niggers. Their good and ourn demanded it. For instance, they shood not be permitted to be out after 7 o'clock, P.M., in the evenin; they shoodent leave the plantashen onto wich they wuz employed; they shood work every day till 7; and to do away with the pernicious work uv the Freedmen's Bureau, no man and wife wich hed bin married by a chaplin uv the Bureau, or by any one else, shood be employed on the same plantashen, and also no father or mother and child. Sich ez violated these ordinances shood be arrested by anybody, and fined; and in default uv payment uv the fine and costs, shood be sold to the person who wood take his or her labor for the shortest number uv years, and pay the fine and costs aforesed. "Ez a conservative," sed the Deekin, "I sejest this plan."

"Do yoo want to know my definition uv the word 'conservative?'" sed Joe Bigler, a returned Confederate soljer, who, I bleeve, hez seen enough uv war. "It's a man who goes a roundabout way to do a devlish mean thing. Deekin, why can't yoo go to the devil by a straight road, ez I do?"

The interupshen uv the demoralized wretch wuzn't notist; and ez the trustees uv the township wuz all present, the ordinance wuz passed, and that night two thirds uv the niggers within five miles uv the Corners wuz arrested and sold, and within two weeks every one hed bin capcherd.

I hied me to the Corners, and the first man I saw wuz Bascom, the grocery keeper, engaged in the congenial biznis uv tappin a barrel uv contentment, wich he hed just receeved. I wuz a goin to tell him the dread intelligence, when he caught site uv me. "Taste that, Parson," sed he, holdin out a tin dipper full. I drank it off, and one look at him onmand me. "Kin I o'ercloud that smilin cheek?" thot I, ez, in a fit uv absent-mindednis,—wich I hev every now and then,—I held out the empty dipper to be filled agin, wich it wuz. "No! for a time he shel be spared;" and I borrered his mule, and rode away pensively.

I wuz goin fust to Deekin Pogram's, for he wuz the most interested uv eny in the settlement. After the meetin mentioned above, the Deekin hed caused the arrest uv sich niggers ez he cood ketch, and had had em fined in sums uv $275 and uppards, wich bein unable, ez a rool, to pay the fine, he hed kindly bid em in.

He hed picked up, here and there, all uv his old servants, ceptin those wich hed bin killed in the army, and the few misguided ones wich hed made their way North, and that mornin the plantashen wuz to be reconstructed upon the old patriarkle system. Mrs. Deekin Pogram wuz marshellin four uv the likeliest wenches I ever saw in the kitchen; his son Tom wuz chuckin a yaller girl under the chin, wich hed bin born on the place about eighteen years before, and wich, owin to a unfortunate resemblance to the Deekin, bed caused a onpleasantnis between him and his wife, wich endid in the loss uv the most uv his hair, and the sellin uv the girl's mother to Noo Orleans. The two girls hed each their waitin-maids, and wuz a puttin them through their paces. There hed bin some trouble in gittin em reconstructed, it bein deemed nessary to take the conseet out uv em, wich they wuz all a doin. Ez I rode up, the old lady bed jest knocked one uv em down with a fire-shovel, and wuz dancin a Highland fling onto her prostrate body. Almira, the oldest gal, hed her fingers in the wool uv her gal; and tother one wuz a thumpin hern to redose her to her proper level; and the Deekin hisself wuz a deelin with one ongrateful wretch, who objected to bein put to work on them terms, not realizin that the Bureau was gone. Ez the Deekin hed a revolver he yielded the pint, and submitted to be flogged, wich the Deekin wuz doin ez neatly ez I ever saw, considerin he hed bin out uv practis four years. He had him tied up to a tree, and wuz a wollopin uv him gorjus. While he wuz a convinsin uv him with his whip that there wuz trooth in the Skripter, and that Ham wuz reely a servant unto his bretherin, I exclaimed, "Stop!" and immejitly whispered the appallin news in his left ear (tother one hed bin chawed off in a misunderstandin at Bascom's the previous Sunday nite, after servis). Never shel I forgit the look uv woe on that eminent Christian's face. The whip fell from his nerveless hand; and with teers streemin down his cheeks, washin up little streaks uv dirt in the most heart-rendin manner, he gasped in a husky voice to the wife uv his buzzum, "Cut him down, Mirandy! The North's gone Ablishin, and the d——d niggers will be free anyhow!" and the old patriarch swooned away at my feet.

And sich an expression of anguish ez distorted the face uv the Deekin's wife I hope never to see agin. Droppin the shovel, she stood ez one petrified, with her foot elevated in mid air, ez in the act uv stompin, and uttering a shreek wich methinks I hear ringing in my ears yet, she fell precisely ez she stood, with her leg crooked ez ef 'twuz froze there. Tom released the gal he wuz subdooin, and mountin his horse rode off to the Corners without saying a word; and unable to witness the distress uv that stricken family, I made haste to mount my mule and go to; while the niggers, feelin that they were wunst more their own men and women, scattered in every direction.

"Sich is the froots uv Radikelism," murmured I. "Sich is the bitter cup fanaticism hez put to our lips;" and castin one lingring look at the prostrate forms uv the Deekin, his wife (with her foot insensibly raised), and their two gushin daughters, I spurred the mule, and departed.

Wood that every Ablishnist in the North hed seen that site, and wuz possessed uv a sole to appreshate it! Then would they vote differently.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster).



XXXVII.

The October Elections.—Mr. Nasby's Opinion on the Cause of the Defeat of the President.

CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), October 14, 1866.

I wuz called in haste to Washington to be present at a Cabinet meetin called to consider the causes uv the onparalleled loosenin uv the Nashnel Union Johnson Dimekratic party in the various States wich held elections on the 9th uv October last. There wuz Seward, Wells, McCulloch, and Randall present; but we missed Raymond and Beecher, they hevin, I understand, played off onto us.

The President wuz gloomy. He hedn't anticipated the defeat. He spected that, hevin showd hisself through all the Northern States, ther ought to hev ben enthoosiasm enough evolved to hev carried em without trouble. The fault, he remarked, coodent be with his policy. Ther wuz suthin so grand, so sublimely simple in it, that it wuz incomprehensible to him why the people hedn't at once adopted it. "Why, look at it," sed he. "I offer the people uv the North peace, on the simple condishn uv sayin nothin more about the war, or the mutual trouble which they found theirselves into, and rushin into the arms uv their Southern brethren, and takin uv em back jist ez they went out. How, O! how cood they be so blind ez to refoose these olive branches?"

Randall replied that he coodent understand it; but he hed summoned a Postmaster to attend, wich he hed appinted on his solemn asshoorance that he cood carry enough Republicans over to our new party to defeat the Union member in that District, wich he notist by the papers wuz elected by a larger majority than he hed ever reseeved, and he wuz in waitin.

"Bring in the wretch!" shouted the President; and the guard brung him in. A mizable lookin objick he wuz. Ez soon ez he saw the stern eye uv the President fixed on him, he sunk to his knees, and lifted up his hands implorinly, without sayin a word.

"Speak!" sed the President. "Why the result in yoor Deestrict?"

"My liege," replied the wretched man, "I know not. Faithfully I labored; but the people wood come into the house holdin their noses, and set a holdin uv em so long ez I wuz speekin, wich wuzn't conducive to displays of oratory. The papers wood publish my own utterances six months before, wich confused me somewhat; and the ablishnists would read at me yoor speeches, wich I coodent akkount for. I seekoored for yoo suthin like a dozen votes; but they wuz them ez stipulated for places under me, and I hed hard work to git em from the Union party, and they wuz sich ez did us more harm than good. And besides—"

"Enuff!" sed Johnson, "Remove him."

And the poor fellow wuz bundled out.

Secretary Welles knowd wat wuz the matter. It come uv takin Grant and Farrygut along on the excursion. It distracted the attention uv the people. Hed there bin nobody but the President and the Cabinet along, there woodent hev bin nobody to hurrah for, and the sublime trooths, wieh the President kin only jerk, wood hev impressed the people more than they did.

Seward wuz confident that the election wood hev bin all right cood it hev bin postponed ninety days; while McCullock attribooted it to the limited knowledge the masses hed uv Injeany bankin.