"Do you—" cried Mrs. Lathrop, open-eyed.

"No, I don't, for I asked him an' he crossed his heart to the contrary. But really, Mrs. Lathrop, you must let me read the rest of this for I've got to be gettin' home to get supper."

"Go—" said the neighbor.

"No, I won't till I've done. The next one is this one an' it says, 'How long ought any one to wait to get married? I have waited several years an' there is nothin' against the man except he's eighty-two an' paralyzed. I am seventy-nine. Pa an' Ma oppose the match an' are the oldest couple in the country,' an' Elijah has signed it 'Lovin'ly, Rosy'—of all the silly things!"

"He must be—" cried Mrs. Lathrop.

"I should think so," said Susan; "why, he was rollin' all over the sofa laughin' over that. The answer is, 'I would wait a little longer—you can lose nothin' by patience.' I call that pretty silly, too."

"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.

"Yes, indeed," said Susan, folding up the paper, "I felt it an' I said it, an' I knew you'd feel to agree. I like Elijah, but I must say as I don't like his Advice Column, an' I'd never be one to advise no one to write to it for advice. His answers don't seem to tell you nothin', to my order of thinkin', an' that one about the pickles struck me just like a slap in my face."

"I'd never—" said Mrs. Lathrop.

"Nor me neither. If I want to know I come to you."

"And I—" said Mrs. Lathrop warmly.

"I know you would," said her friend, "whatever faults you've got, Mrs. Lathrop, I'd always feel that about you."



CHAPTER VII

MRS. MACY AND THE CONVENTION

Mrs. Lathrop was out in the garden, pottering around in an aimless sort of way which she herself designated as "looking after things," but which her friend and neighbor called "wastin' time an' strength on nothin'." Whenever Miss Clegg perceived Mrs. Lathrop thus engaged she always interrupted her occupation as speedily as possible. On the occasion of which I write, she emerged from her own kitchen door at once, and called:

"Oh, Mrs. Lathrop, come here, I've got a surprise for you."

Mrs. Lathrop forthwith ceased to gaze fondly and absent-mindedly over her half-acre of domain, and advanced to the fence. Miss Clegg also advanced to the fence, and upon its opposite sides the following conversation took place.

"I went to see Mrs. Macy yesterday afternoon," Miss Clegg began, "an' I saw her an' that's what the surprise come from."

"She isn't—" asked Mrs. Lathrop anxiously.

"Oh, no, she's all right—that is, she's pretty nearly all right, but I may remark as the sight an' hearin' of her this day is a everlastin' lesson on lettin' women be women an' allowin' men to keep on bein' men for some years to come yet. Mrs. Macy says for her part she's felt that way all along but every one said it was her duty an' she says she always makes a point of doin' her duty, an' this time it was goin' to give her a free trip to town, too, so the hand of Providence seemed to her to be even more'n unusually plainly stuck out at her."

"Oh," said Mrs. Lathrop—"you mean—"

"Of course I do," said Susan, "but wait till I tell you how it come out. It's come out now, an' all different from how you know."

"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.

"Well, you wait an' listen," said the friend,—"you wait an' listen an' then you'll know, too."

"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop, submissively.

"She says," Miss Clegg went on, "that we all know (an' that's true, too, 'cause I told you that before) as she was never much took with the idea even in the first of it. She says as she thinks as Elijah's ideas is gettin' most too progressive an' if he ain't checked we'll very soon find ourselves bein' run over by some of his ideas instead of pushed forward. She says woman's clubs is very nice things an' Mrs. Lupey takes a deal of pleasure with the one in Meadville (whenever they don't meet at her house)—but Mrs. Macy says our sewin' society ain't no club an' never was no club, an' she considers as it was overdrawin' on Elijah's part to start the question of its sendin' a delegate to any federation of any kind of woman's clubs. She says she can't see—an' she said at the meetin' as elected her, that she couldn't see—what our sewin' society could possibly get out of any convention, for you can buy all the patterns by mail now just as well as if you have 'em all to look over. An' then she says, too, as no one on the face of kingdom come could ever be crazy enough to suppose as any convention could ever get anythin' out of our delegates, so what was the use of us an' them ever tryin' to get together a tall. I thought she was very sensible yesterday, an' I thought she was very sensible at the meetin' as elected her, an' I tried to talk to Elijah, but Elijah's so dead set on our bein' up to time with every Tom, Dick an' Harry as comes along with any kind of a new plan, that I can't seem to get him to understand as no one in this town wants to be up to time—we're a great deal better suited takin' our own time like we always did until he come among us. Mrs. Macy says as we all know as no one wanted to be a delegate to the federation to begin with, an' you know that yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, for I was there an' Elijah's idea resulted in the first place in every one's stayin' away from that meetin' for fear as they'd be asked to go. They had to set another day for the sewin' society an' even then a good many cleaned house instead for a excuse, an' Mrs. Sweet said right out as she did n't believe as any of us knowed enough to go to a convention an' so we'd better all stay home. I had to speak up at that an' say as Elijah had told me as things was fixed now so folks as did n't know anythin' could go to a convention just as well as any one else, but Mrs. Jilkins said in that case she should feel as if she was wastin' her time along with a lot of fools, an' what she said made such a impression that in the end the only one as they could possibly get to go was Mrs. Macy, so they elected her. Mrs. Macy was n't enthusiastic about bein' elected, a tall, but Mrs. Lupey is her cousin an' Mrs. Lupey was the Meadville delegate, an' she says she thought as they could sit together, an' Mrs. Lupey wanted to go to the city anyway about reducin' her flesh, an' Mrs. Macy said that was sure to be interestin' for the one as Mrs. Lupey likes best is the one as you run chains of marbles up an' down your back alone by yourself, an' Mrs. Macy wanted to see them givin' Mrs. Lupey full directions for nothin'—she thought it would be so amusin'—an' so in the end she said she'd go.

"Well, she says foreign folks before they come to this country is wise compared to her! She was tellin' me all about it this afternoon. I never hear such a tale—not even from Gran'ma Mullins. She says Elijah sent in her name an' they filed her next day an' she says they've never quit sendin' her the filin's ever since. I told you as I heard in the square she was gettin' a good deal of mail but I never mistrusted how much until she showed me her box for kindlin' fires next winter. Why, she says it's beyond all belief! The right end of the box has got the papers as was n't worth nothin' an' the left end has got them as is really valuable. Well, after I'd looked at the box we set down an' she told me the hide an' hair of the whole thing. She says at first she got letters from everybody under the sun askin' her her opinions an' views, some about things as she never heard of before an' others as to things as she considers a downright insult to consider as she might know about. But she says views an' insults don't really matter much, after you reach her age, so she let those all go into the box together an' thought she'd think no more about it. She says there was only just one as she really minded an' that was the one about her switch. Seems she was n't decided about even wearin' her switch to the convention, for she says it's very hard to get both ends of a switch fastened in at the same do-up an' one end looks about as funny as the other, stickin' out, but she says you can maybe imagine her feelin's when a man as she would n't know from Adam wrote her a letter beginnin', 'Hello, hello, why don't you have that dyed?' an' a picture of him lookin' at a picture of her very own switch with a microscope! She says she never was so took aback in all her life. There was another picture on the envelope of the man at a telephone an' he'd got all the other delegates' switches done an' hangin' up to dry for 'em an' she says she will say as the law against sendin' such things through the mail had certainly ought to be applied to that man right then an' there. She says it's years since she's got red from anythin' but bein' mad, but she was red from both kinds of woman's feelin's then an' don't you forget it. But laws, she says switches is child's play to what another man wrote her about his garters. Not her garters but his garters, mind you, Mrs. Lathrop. Would you believe that that other man had the face to ask her point-blank if, while she was in town, she'd be so kind as to give five minutes to comin' an' lookin' at his garters!—at his garters! He said they hooked onto his shoulders an' he just wanted a chance to tell her how comfortable they was. Well, she says the idea of any man's garters bein' of any interest to a widow was surely most new to her, an' it was all she could do to keep from writin' an' tellin' him so. She says she never hear the beat of such impertinence in all her life. Why, she says when she had a husband she never took no special interest in his garters as she recollects. She says she remembers as he used to pull up when he first got up in the mornin' an' then calmly wrinkle down all day, but she says if her lawful husband's garters' wrinkles did n't interest her, it ain't in reason as any other man's not wrinklin' is goin' to. But she says that ain't all whatever I may think (or you either, Mrs. Lathrop), for although the rest ain't maybe so bad, still it's bad enough an' you 'll both agree to that when you hear it, I know. She says more men wrote her, an' more, an' more, an' the things they said was about all she could stand, so help her Heaven! One asked her if she knowed she needed a new carpet an' he happened to keep carpets, an' another told her her house needed paintin' an' he happened to keep paint, an' another just come out flat as a flounder an' said if she knowed how old her stove was, she'd come straight to him the first thing, an' he happened to keep stoves. An' she says they need n't suppose as she was n't sharp enough to see as every last one of them letters was really writ to sound unselfish, but with the meanin' underneath of maybe gettin' her to buy somethin'.

"An' then she says there come a new kind as really frightened her by gettin' most too intimate on postal cards."

"On postal—" said Mrs. Lathrop.

"Yes—on postal cards. One wrote as she could get her husband back if she'd only follow his direction, an' she says the last thing she wants is to get her husband back, even if he is only just simply dead; an' another told her if she'd go through his exercises she could get fat or thin just as she pleased, an' the exercises was done in black without no clothes on around the edge of the card, an' Mrs. Macy says when Johnny handed her the card at the post office she like to of died then an' there. Why, she says they was too bad to put in a book, even—they was too bad to even send Mrs. Lupey!"

"Wh—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

"Then on Monday last still another new kind begin an' they've been comin' more an' more each mail. They was the convention itself beginnin' on her. An' she says she don't know whether they was a improvement or worse to come. One wrote an' told her if she was temperance to report to them the first thing, an' then stand shoulder to shoulder from then on straight through the whole week. Well, Mrs. Macy says she could n't consider goin' anywhere an' standin' up through a whole week so she wrote 'em she was for the Family Entrance, where everybody can sit down, an' she feels bad because she's a great believer in temperance, but she says she can't help it, she's got to have a chair anywhere where she's to stay for a week. So temperance loses Mrs. Macy. Then woman's sufferige did n't wait to ask her what she was, but sent her a button an' told her to sew it right on right then an' there. She says she was feelin' so bad over the temperance that she was only too glad to be agreeable about the button so she done it, but it's hard to button over on a'count of bein' a star with the usual spikes an' the only place where she needed a button was on her placket hole, an' a spiked button in the back of your petticoat is far from bein' amusin' although she says she can't but think as it's a very good badge for sufferige whenever she steps on it in steppin' out of her clothes at night. Then next she got a letter askin' her if she'd join the grand battalion to rally around the flag, an' she says it was right then an' there as she begin to fill the kindlin' box.

"Well, she says she'd got the box half full when to-day she got the final slam in her face!

"There came this mornin' her directions for goin' an' she says when she see for the first time just the whole width of what she was let in to she most fell over backward then an' there.

"First was a badge with a very good safety pin as she can always use; she says she did n't mind the badge. Then there was paper tellin' her as she was M. 1206 an' not to let it slip her mind an' to mark everythin' she owned with it an' sew it in her hat an' umbrella. Then there was a map of the city with blue lines an' pink squares an' a sun without any sense shinin' square in the middle. Then there was a paper as she must fill out an' return by the next mail if she was meanin' to eat or sleep durin' the week. Then there was four labels all to be writ with her name an' her number an' one was for her trunk if it weighed over a hundred pounds, an' one was for her trunk if it weighed under a hundred pounds, an' one was for her trunk if it was a suit case, an' one was for her trunk if it was n't.

"Well, Mrs. Macy says you can maybe imagine how her head was swimmin' by this time an' the more she read how she was to be looked out for, the more scared she got over what might possibly happen to her. She says it was just shock after shock. There was a letter offerin' to pray with her any time she'd telephone first, an' a letter tellin' her not to overpay the hack, an' a letter sayin' as it's always darkest afore dawn, an' if she'd got any money saved up to bring it along with her an' invest it by the careful advice of him as had the letter printed at his own expense. Why, she says she didn't know which way to turn or what to do next she was that mixed up.

"An' then yesterday mornin' come the final bang as bu'sted Mrs. Macy! She got a letter from a man as said he'd meet her in the station an' tattoo her name right on her in the ladies' waitin'-room, so as her friends could easy find her an' know her body at the morgue. Well, she said that ended her. She says she never was one to take to bein' stuck an' so she just up an' wrote to Mrs. Lupey as she would n't go for love or money—"

"Why," cried Mrs. Lathrop, "then she isn't—"

"No," said Susan, "she isn't goin'. She ain't got the courage an' it's cruel to force her. I told her to give me the ticket an' I'd go in her place."



CHAPTER VIII

THE BIENNIAL

On the day that the Convention of Women's Clubs opened, Mrs. Lathrop, having seen her friend depart, composed herself for a period of unmitigated repose which might possibly last, she thought, for several days. Susan had awakened her very early that morning to receive her back door key and minute instructions regarding Elijah and the chickens. Elijah had undertaken to look after the chickens, but Miss Clegg stated frankly that she should feel better during her absence if her friend kept a sharp eye on him during the process. "Elijah's got a good heart," said the delegate, "but that don't alter his bein' a man an' as a consequence very poor to depend upon as to all things about the house. I don't say as I lay it up against him for if he was like Deacon White, an' had ideas of his own as to starchin' an' butterin' griddles, he'd drive me mad in no time, but still I shall take it as a personal favor of you, Mrs. Lathrop, if you'll ask him whenever you see him if he's remembered all I told him, an' don't let him forget the hen as is thinkin' some of settin' in the wood shed, for if she does it, she'll need food just as much as if she does n't do it."

Then Miss Clegg departed, with her valise, her bonnet in a box, and some lunch in another box. She went early, for the simple reason that the train did the same thing, and as soon as she was gone Mrs. Lathrop, as I before remarked, went straight back to bed and to sleep again. She had a feeling that for a while at least no demand upon her energies could possibly be made, and it was therefore quite a shock to her when some hours later she heard a vigorous pounding on her back door.

Stunned dizzy by the heavy slumber of a hot July day, Mrs. Lathrop was some minutes in getting to the door, and when she got there, was some seconds in fumbling at the lock with her dream-benumbed fingers; but in the end she got it open, and then was freshly paralyzed by the sight of her friend, standing without, with her valise, her bonnet-box, her lunch in the other box, and the general appearance of a weary soldier who has fought but not exactly won.

"Why, Susan, I thought you—" began Mrs. Lathrop, her mouth and eyes both popping widely open.

"I did, an' I've got through an' I've come home." Miss Clegg advanced into the kitchen as she spoke and abruptly deposited her belongings upon the table and herself upon a chair. "I've been to the convention," she said; then, "I've been to the convention, an' I've got through with that, too, an' I've got home from that, too."

"Why—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, advancing into a more advanced stage of perplexity, as she came more fully to herself, noted more fully her friend's exceedingly battered appearance, and folding what she had slipped on well about her, sought her rocker.

"I don't know, I'm sure," said Susan, "it beats me what anybody else does it for, either. But you must n't ask me questions, Mrs. Lathrop, partly because I'm too tired to answer them, an' partly because I've come over to tell you anyhow an' I can always talk faster when you don't try to talk at the same time."

Mrs. Lathrop took a fresh wind-about of her overgarment, and prepared to hold her tongue more tightly than ever.

"In the first place," said Susan, speaking in the highly uplifted key which we are all apt to adopt under the stress of great excitement mixed with great fatigue; "in the first place, Mrs. Lathrop, you know as Mrs. Macy insisted on keepin' the badge 'cause she said she wanted to work it into that pillow she's makin', so I had to get along with the card as had her number on it. As a consequence I naturally had a very hard time, for I could n't find Mrs. Lupey an' had to fiddle my own canoe from the start clear through to the finish. I can tell you I've had a hard day an' no one need n't ever say Woman's Rights to me never again. I'm too full of Women's Wrongs for my own comfort from now on, an' the way I've been treated this day makes me willin' to be a turkey in a harem before I'd ever be a delegate to nothin' run by women again.

"In the first place when I got to the train it was full an' while I was packin' myself into the two little angles left by a very fat man, a woman come through an' stuck a little flag in my bonnet without my ever noticin' what she done an' that little flag pretty near did me up right in the start. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as goin' to a Woman's Convention makes you everybody's business but your own from the beginnin', an' that little flag as that woman stuck in my bonnet was a sign to every one as I was a delegate.

"I set with a very nice lady as asked me as soon as she see the little flag if I knowed how to tell a ham as has got consumption from one as has n't. I told her I did n't an' she talked about that till we got to town, which made the journey far from interestin' an' is goin' to make it very hard for me to eat ham all the rest of my life. Then we got out an' I got rid of her, but that did n't help me much, for I got two others as see the little flag right off an' they never got off nor let up on me. I was took to a table as they had settin' in the station handy, put in their own private census an' then give two books an' a map an' seven programs an' a newspaper an' a rose, all to carry along with my own things, an' then a little woman with a little black bag as had noticed the little flag too took me away, an' said I need n't bother about a thing for I could go with her an' welcome.



"I did n't want to go with her, welcome or not, but they all seemed pleased with the arrangement, so I went with her, an' I was more'n a little mad for every time I dropped the rose or a program, tryin' to get rid of them, she'd see it an' pick it up an' give it back to me. We walked a little ways in that pleasant way an' then she asked me how I was raisin' my children, an' I said I did n't have none. She said, 'Oh my, what would Mr. Roosevelt say to that?' and I said it was n't his affair nor no other man's. I may in confidence remark as by this time I was gettin' a little warm, Mrs. Lathrop.

"We come to the convention hall after a good long walk an' I was quite hot two ways by that time, for I was mad an' awful tired too. The little woman left me then an' a lady come up, looked at my flag, an' asked me if I was a delegate or an alternative 'cause it was important to know right off in the beginnin'. I told her I was for Mrs. Macy an' she got out a book an' looked in it very carefully to see for sure whether to believe me or not an' then she told me to go on in. There was a door as squeaked an' they pushed me through it an' I found myself, bag, flag an' all, in the convention.

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never see the beat of that place in all my life. They'd done what they could to make it cheerful an' homelike by paintin' it green at one end but it was plain to be seen as the paint soon give out an' towards the top the man as was paintin' must of give out too, for he just finished up by doing a few circles here an' there an' then left it mainly plain. Below was all chairs an' they'd started to decorate with banners but they'd given out on banners even quicker than on paint an' the most of the hall was most simple.

"I walked up as far towards the front as I could an' then I sat down. I can't say as I was very comfortable nor much impressed an' the folks further back was very restless an' kept sayin' they could n't hear what was goin' on on the platform. There was a lady on the platform hammerin' a table for dear life an' to my order of thinkin' anybody must have been deaf as could n't have heard her hammerin', but she looked happy an' that was maybe the main thing, for a woman behind me whispered as the spirit of her with the hammer just filled the room. Well, I stood it as long as I could an' then I got up an' remarked frank an' open as if every one would keep still every one could easy hear. They all clapped at that, but the lady with the hammer could n't seem to even hear me an' hammered worse than ever all the while they was clappin'.

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to make a long story short it was n't very interestin'—I will even in confidence remark as I found it pretty dull. I read all my seven programs an' made out as the first day was give to greetin' an' the next to meetin'. The next was on trees an' the one after that they was all goin' to drive. An' so on, an' so on. Then I smelt my rose some, an' a thorn stuck into my nose some an' the hammerin' made me very tired an' finally a woman come in an' said I had her seat so I give it to her with a glad heart an' come out, an' I never was happier to do anythin' in my whole life before. But I was hardly out when a lady as I had n't seen yet see my little flag an' pounced on me an' said was I Miss Clegg? an' I did n't see nothin' to be gained by sayin' I was n't so I said Yes, I was.

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, that was pretty near to bein' the beginnin' of my end. That woman hustled me into a carriage, give my valise to the driver an' told him to be quick. I was too dumb did up by her actions to be able to think of anythin' to say so I just sit still, an' she pinned a purple ribbon onto me an' told me she'd read two of my books an' died laughin' only to look at me. I was more than afraid as she was crazy but she talked so fast I could n't even see a chance to open my mouth so I did n't try.

"She said when they was gettin' ready for the convention an' dividin' up celebrities among themselves that she just took me right off. She said as she was goin' to give a lunch for me an' a dinner for me an' I don't know what all. She was still talkin' when the carriage stopped at a hotel.

"She said I must n't mind a hotel much 'cause her husband minded company more, an' I did n't see any sort of meanin' to her remark, but David in the lions' den was a roarin' lion himself compared to me that minute, so I just walked behind her an' she took me in an' up in a elevator an' into a room with a bathroom an' a bouquet an' there she told me to give her the key of the valise an' she'd unpack while I was in the bath tub.

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I'm sure I never had no idea of needin' a bath that bad when I set off for the city to-day, an' you'll maybe be surprised at me bein' so wax about extra washin' in her hands, but I was so wild to get away from her an' her steady talk by that time, that I give her the key an' went into the bathroom an' made up my mind as I'd try a bath all over at once for the first time in my life, seein' as there did n't seem to be nothin' else to do, an' the tub was handy.

"So I undressed an' when I was undressed I begin to look where I was to leap. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you never see such a tub as that tub in all your life before! There was a hole in the middle of the bottom an' the more water run in the more water run out. At first I could n't see how I was goin' to manage but after a while I figured it out an' see as there was nothin' for me to do but to sit on that hole an' paddle like I was paid for it with both hands at once to keep from being scalded while the tub filled from two steady spurts one boilin' an' one of ice water. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never felt nothin' like that kind of a bath before!

"If I tried to wash anywhere as was at all difficult I lost my grip on the hole an' the water went out with a swish as made Niagara look like a cow's tail afore I could possibly get in position again. I was n't more 'n halfway down my washin' when the awfulest noise begin outside an' the convention itself was babes sleepin' in soothin' syrup compared to whatever was goin' on in that next room.

"I tell you I got out of that tub in a hurry an' rubbed off as best I could with a very thick towel marked 'Bath' as was laid on the floor all ready, an' got into my clothes an' went out.

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you may believe me or not just as you please, but it was another lady with another delegate with another purple ribbon an' another little flag. The ladies was very mad an' the other delegate was bitin' her lips an' lookin' out the window. In the end the ladies was so mad they went down to the telephone an' left the delegate an' me alone in the room together.

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just as you please, but that other delegate asked me my name an' when I told her she said it was her name, too. Then she laughed until she cried an' said she never hear anythin' to beat us. She said it was all as clear as day to her an' that she should write a story about it. She said about all she got out of life was writin' stories about it an' she never lost a chance to make a good one. She said she wished I'd stay with her an' I could have half the bed an' half of that same tub as long as I like.

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, the long an' short of it was as I felt that no matter how kind she was I would n't never be able to be happy anywhere where I had to be around with a woman who talked all the time, an' sleep in a bed with another Susan Clegg, an' wash in a tub as you have to stop up with some of yourself, so I just took my things an' come home by the noon train an' I'll stay here one while now, too, I guess."

"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.

"Yes, I was just going to ask you where you put it," said Miss Clegg, "I shall need it to get in the back door."

"It's—" said Mrs. Lathrop.

"I can get it myself," said her friend, rising. "Well, good-bye. I won't deny as I'm mad for my lunch won't be any the better for ridin' to town an' back this hot day, but the Lord fits the back to the burden, so I guess Elijah will be able to eat it, leastways if he don't he won't get nothin' else,—I know that, for it was him as got up the fine idea of sending a delegate from the sewin' society to the convention an' I don't thank him none for it, I know that."

"You—" said Mrs. Lathrop, mildly.

"I ain't sure," said Miss Clegg. "Elijah strikes me as more thorns than roses this night. I never was one to feel a longin' for new experiences, an' I've had too many to-day, as he'll very soon learn to his sorrow when he comes home to-night."



CHAPTER IX

THE FAR EASTERN TROPICS

"You look—" said Mrs. Lathrop, solicitously, one afternoon, when Susan Clegg had come around by the gate to enjoy a spell of mutual sitting and knitting.

"Well, I am," confessed Susan, unrolling her ball and drawing a long breath; "I may tell you in confidence, Mrs. Lathrop, as I really never was more so. What with havin' to look after Elijah's washin' an' his mendin' an' his cookin' an' his room, an' what with holdin' down his new ideas an' explainin' to people as he did n't mean what it sounds like when I ain't been able to hold 'em down, I do get pretty well wore out. I can see as Mr. Kimball sees how Elijah is wearin' on me for he gives me a chair whenever I go in there now an' that just shows how anxious he is for me to rest when I can, but it really ain't altogether Elijah's fault for the way my back aches to-day, for I got this ache in a way as you could n't possibly understand, Mrs. Lathrop, for I got it from sittin' up readin' a book last night as you or any ordinary person would of gone to sleep on the second page of an' slept clear through to the index; but I was built different from you an' ordinary persons, Mrs. Lathrop, an' if I'd thanked the Lord as much as I'd ought to for that I'd never have had time to do nothin' else in this world."

"What—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with interest.

"It was a book," said her friend, beginning to knit assiduously—"a book as a boy he went to school with sent Mr. Fisher with a postal card, sayin' as every American man 'd ought to read it thoughtfully. Mrs. Fisher took it out of the post office an' read the postal card, an' she said right off as she did n't approve of Mr. Fisher's reading books as every man ought to know, so she let me have it to bring home an' read till she gets through makin' over her carpets. I brought the book home done up to look like it was a pie, an' I will frankly state, Mrs. Lathrop, as you could have dropped me dead out of any balloon when I found out what it was about. It was n't the kind of book the postal card would have led you to suppose a tall—it was about Asia, Mrs. Lathrop, the far side or the near side, just accordin' to the way you face to get the light while you read, an' so far from its bein' only intended for men it's all right for any one at all to read as has got the time. Now that I'm done it an' know I have n't never got to do it again, I don't mind telling you in confidence that for a book as could n't possibly have been meant to be interestin' it was about as agreeable readin' as I ever struck in my life. There was lots in it as was new to me, for it's a thick book, an' all I knowed about that part of the world before was as Java coffee comes from Java an' the Philippines from Spain. But I know it all now, an' Judge Fitch himself can't tell me nothin' from this day on that the man who wrote that book ain't told me first. I'll bet I know more about what that book 's about than any one in this community does, an' now that I know it I see why the man said what he did on the postal card for it is a book as every man ought to read, an' I read in the paper the other day as the main trouble with the men in America was as they knowed all about what they did n't know nothin' about, an' did n't know nothin' a tall about the rest."

"What—" began Mrs. Lathrop.

"But I don't see how the man that wrote it is ever goin' to make any money out of it," pursued her friend, "for it's pretty plain as it's every bit written about things that Americans don't want to really learn an' what the rest of the world learned long ago. If I was very patriotic I don't believe I'd have read it clear through to the end myself, but I ain't never felt any call to be patriotic since the boys throwed that firecracker into my henhouse last Fourth of July. I will say this for the hen, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is that she took the firecracker a good deal calmer'n I could, for I was awful mad, an' any one as seed me ought to of felt what a good American was spoiled then an' there, for all I asked was to hit somethin', whether it was him as throwed the cracker or not an' that's what Judge Fitch always calls the real American spirit when he makes them band-stand speeches of his in the square. Oh my, though, but I wish you had n't reminded me of that hen, Mrs. Lathrop, her tail never will come in straight again I don't believe, an' she's forever hoppin' off her eggs to look out of the window since she had that scare."

Mrs. Lathrop frowned and looked very sympathetic.

"But about this book," Susan went on after a second of slightly saddened reflection. "I'm goin' to tell you all about it. Elijah 's goin' to write a editorial about it, too. Elijah says this business of downtreadin' our only colony has got to be stopped short right now as soon as he can call the government's attention to how to do it.

"Well, the book begins very mild an' pleasant with Hongkong an' it ends with the Philippine accounts. Seems Hongkong ain't Chinese for all it's named that an' growed there—it's English—an' as for the Philippines there's eight millions of 'em, not countin' the wild ones as they can't catch to count an' ask questions. In between Hongkong an' the Philippines the man who wrote the book runs around that part of the world pretty lively an' tells who owns it an' what kind of roads they've got an' who'd better govern 'em an' all like that. You might think from hearin' me as he sort of put on airs over knowin' so much himself, but it don't sound that way a tall in the book. It's when he finally got to the Philippines as any one can see as he really did begin to enjoy himself. He enjoyed himself so much that he really made me enjoy myself, too, although I can't in reason deny as I felt as I might not of been quite so happy only for that firecracker. The kind of things he says about our doin's in those countries is all what you don't get in the papers nor no other way, an' if the United States really feels they're in the right as to how they're actin' all they need to do is to read how wrong they are in that book where a man as really knows what he's talkin' about has got it all set down in black an' white. I don't believe it's generally knowed here in America as Dewey took Aguinaldo an' his guns over to Manila an' give him his first start at fightin' an' called him 'general' for a long time after they'd decided in Washington as how he was n't nothin' but a rebel after all. I never knowed anythin' about that, an' I will remark as I think there's many others as don't know it, neither, an' I may in confidence remark to you, Mrs. Lathrop, as that book leads me to think as the main trouble with the Philippines is as they are bein' run by folks as don't know anythin' about the place they're runnin' an' don't know nothin' about runnin' for anythin' but places. The man in the book says the Philippines ain't very well off being pacified, an' that the Americans ain't no great success pacifyin' 'em, for it seems as they made five thousand expeditions after 'em in one year, an' only got hold of five thousand natives in all. That's a expedition to a man, an' I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as it's small wonder we're taxed an' they're taxed, with some of our new fellow citizens as hard to grab as that. To my order of thinkin' it'd be wisest to let 'em chase each other for ten or twenty years first an' then when they was pretty well thinned out we could step in an' settle with the survivors; but accordin' to the man who wrote the book you can't never tell a American nothin', an' I must say that my own experience in this community has proved as he knows what he's sayin' all straight enough. He says the Philippines is in a very bad way, an' so is their roads, but he says that all the folks in this country is so dead satisfied with their way an' poor roads that they ain't goin' to do nothin' to help either along any."

"Did—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

"He says," continued Susan, "that the United States is just so happy sittin' back an' observin' the Philippines, an' the Philippines is so far off that if they die of starvation while being observed no one'll ever be the wiser. He says the United States is payin' for the army, an' the Philippines is tryin' to live with it, an' seein' as they don't work much an' the Chinese is forbidden to work for 'em, he don't see no help nowhere. What he said about the Chinese was very interestin', for I never see one close to, an' it seems they're a clean race only for likin' to raise pigs in their garrets. It seems, too, as if you let 'em into any country they'll work very hard an' live very cheap an' pay most of the taxes with the duty on opium as they've got to eat, an' games as they've got to play."

"I sh'd think—" said Mrs. Lathrop, looking startled.

"Well, I should, too," said Susan, "but accordin' to the book the Philippines ain't to be allowed any such luxury as havin' the Chinese to develop their country an' pay their taxes. No sir, they've all got to go to school an' learn English first, an' although he says right out plain that the Philippines needs Chinese an' good roads a deal worse 'n they need the army an' the schools, still it's the army an' the schools as America is going to give them, an' they can get along without the roads an' the Chinese as best they can. They certainly must be gettin' a good deal of schoolin', but the man says all the teachers teach is English, an' as none of the children can speak English they don't get much learned. I thought I could sort of see that he thought we 'd ought to of straightened out the South of our own country afore we begun on any other part of the world, an' it is the other half of the world, too, Mrs. Lathrop, for I looked it up on a map an' it begins right under Japan an' then twists off in a direction as makes you wonder how under the sun we come to own it anyway, an' if we did accidentally get it hooked on to us by Dewey's having too much steam up to be able to stop himself afore he'd run over the other fleet, we'd ought anyway to be willin' to give it away like you do the kittens you ain't got time to drown. The whole back of the book is full of figures to prove as it's the truth as has been told in front, but the man who wrote it didn't think much of even the figures in the Philippines for he says they put down some of what they spend in Mexican money an' some in American an' don't tell what they spend the most of it for in either case. He says he met some very nice men there an' they was workin' the best they knew how but they did n't think things were goin' well themselves an' it's plain to be seen that he spoke of 'em just like you give a child a cooky after a spankin'. What interested me most was there's a Malay country over there as the English began on twenty-five years ago an' have got railroaded an' telegraphed an' altogether civilized now, an' we've had the Philippines ten years an' ain't even got the live ones quieted down yet."

"What do you—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, earnestly.

"Oh," said her friend, "I ain't never had no ideas on the Philippine question since Judge Fitch got his brother made a captain in the war just because he was tired supportin' him. Mr. Kimball said then as all wars was just got up to use up the folks as respectable people did n't want to have around no longer an' I must say as I believe him. Mr. Weskin told me as it's been quietly knowed around for hundreds of years as the crusades was a great success as far as gettin' 'em off was concerned just for that very reason, an' I guess we're hangin' on to the Philippines because it's a place a good long ways off to send poor relations after good salaries. The man who wrote the book said a man did n't need to know hardly anythin' to go there an' I must say from what I see of the few who have come back they don't look like they spent much spare time studyin' up while they was in the country."

Susan stopped knitting suddenly and stuck her needles into the ball.

"I've got to go home," she said. "I've just remembered as I forgot to fill the tea-kettle. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, we've had a nice talk about our foreign possessions an' all I can say in the end is as that whole book made me feel just like we'd all ought to get to feel as quick as we can. Lots of things in this world might be better only the people that could change 'em don't often feel inclined that way, an' the people who'd like to have a change ain't the ones as have got any say. If I was a Philippine I'd want a Chinaman to do my work an' I'd feel pretty mad that folks as had so many niggers an' Italians that they did n't need Chinamen should say I could n't have 'em neither. I'd feel as if I knowed what was best for me an' I would n't thank a lot of men in another part of the world for sittin' down on my ideas. However, there's one thing that comforted me very much in the book. All the countries around is run, an' pretty well run too, by other countries an' if the Philippines get too awful tired of being badly run by us all those of 'em as know anythin' can easy paddle across to some of them well run countries in the front half of the book to live, an' as for the rest—"

Susan stopped short. Mrs. Lathrop was sound asleep!



CHAPTER X

THE EVILS OF DELAYED DECEASE

"I ain't been doin' my duty by Mrs. Macy lately," said Susan Clegg to Mrs. Lathrop; "I declare to goodness I've been so did up with the garden an' Elijah an' house cleanin' this last two weeks that I don't believe I've even thought of the other side of the crick since I begun. I ain't seen Mrs. Macy either an' maybe that's one reason why I ain't done nothin' about her, but it ain't surprisin' as I ain't seen her for she ain't been here—she's been over in Meadville stayin' with the Lupeys, an' I must say I'm right put out with Elijah for not puttin' it in the paper so I'd of knowed it afore. The idea of Mrs. Macy bein' in Meadville for over a week an' me not hearin' of it is a thing as makes me feel as maybe when Gabriel blows his horn I'll just merely sit up an' say, 'Did you call?' But anyway she's been away an' she's got back, an' when I heard it in the square to-day I did n't mince up no matters none but I just set my legs in her direction an' walked out there as fast as I could. It does beat all how many changes can come about in two weeks!—four more pickets has been knocked off the minister's fence an' most every one has hatched out their chickens since I was that way last, but I was n't out picketin' or chickenin'; I was out after Mrs. Macy an' I just kept a-goin' till I got to her."

"Was she—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

"Yes, she was," replied Susan, "an' thank the most kind an' merciful Heavens, there was n't no one else there, so she an' I could just sit down together, an' it was n't nothin' but joy for her to tell me hide an' hair an' inside out of her whole visit. She got back day before yesterday an' she had n't even unpacked her trunk yet she was that wore out; you can judge from that how wore out she really is, for you know yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as when Mrs. Macy is too wore out to dive head over heels into things, whether her own or other folks', she's been pretty well beat down to the ground. She was mighty glad to see me, though, even if she did n't come to the door, but only hollered from a chair, an' I don't know as I ever had a nicer call on her, for she went over everythin' inside out an' hind side before, an' it was nothin' but a joy for me to listen, for it seems she had a pretty sad visit first an' last what with being specially invited to sit up an' watch nights with Mrs. Kitts an' then stay to the funeral—"

"Funeral!" cried Mrs. Lathrop,—"I nev—"

"For after bein' specially invited to help lay her out an' go to the funeral," Susan repeated calmly, "Mrs. Kitts did n't die a tall."

"Oh!" said Mrs. Lathrop, terminating the whole of a remark, for once.

"No," said Susan, "an' every one else feels the same as you do about it, too, but it seems as it was n't to be this time. Mrs. Macy says as she never went through nothin' to equal these ten days dead or alive, an' she hopes so help her heaven to never sit up with anybody as has got anythin' but heart disease or the third fit of apoplexy hereafter. Why, she says Mr. Dill's eleven months with Mrs. Dill flat on her back was a child playin' with a cat an' a string in comparison to what the Lupeys an' her have been goin' through with Mrs. Kitts these ten days. She says all Meadville is witness to the way she's skinned 'em down to the bone. Mrs. Dill was give up by a doctor like a Christian, an' after the eleven months she did die, but Mrs. Kitts has been give up over an' over by doctor after doctor till there ain't one in the whole place as ain't mad at her about it; an' there she is livin' yet! Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey is so wore out she can't talk of nothin' else. Mrs. Lupey feels very bitter over it; she says it's all of six years now since they turned the X-rays through her (an' Mrs. Macy says as Mrs. Lupey says she could sit right down an' cry to think how much them X-rays cost an' how little good they done), an' she says it's three years come April Fool's since old Dr. Carter tried her lungs with his new kinetoscope an' found 'em full of air an' nothin' else. Mrs. Lupey says she's always had so much faith in old Dr. Carter an' she had faith in him then, an' was so sweet an' trustin' when he come with the machine, an' after he was done she fully believed his word of honor as to everythin', an' that was why they went an' bought her that bell an' oh heavens alive, Mrs. Lathrop, I only wish you could hear Mrs. Macy on Mrs. Kitts' bell! It seems that kind of bell is a new invention an' as soon as any one is give up for good the doctor as gives 'em up sends a postal to the man as keeps 'em, an' then the man sends it for three days on trial an' then the family buy it, because it lets 'em all sleep easy. Well, Mrs. Macy says it's the quietest lookin' small thing you ever see, but she says Great Scott, Holy Moses, an' ginger tea, the way it works! You only need to put your hand on it an' just stir it an' it unhooks inside like one of them new patent mouse traps as catch you ten times to every once they catch a mouse, an' then it begins to ring like a fire alarm an' bang like the Fourth of July, an' it don't never stop itself again until some one as is perfectly healthy comes tearin' barefoot from somewhere to turn it over an' hook it up an' get Mrs. Kitts whatever she wants."

"I should—" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.

"I guess they would, too," said Susan; "I guess they'd be only too glad to. Why, Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says as it was all they could do to live in the house with her mother when she did n't have nothin' but a stick to pound on the floor with, but she says since she's got that bell—! Well! Mrs. Macy says as they're all four worn into just frazzles with it, an' Judy is got so nervous with it going off sudden when Busby an' she is thinkin' about other things that she begins twitchin' the minute the bell begins ringin' an' they've had to hire a electric battery to soothe her with while Faith an' Maria is racin' for the bell. Mrs. Macy says it's somethin' just awful first, last, an' forever, an' Mrs. Lupey told her in confidence as it was Heaven's own truth as they had n't none of them woke of their own accords once since it was bought."

"What—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

"Well, Mrs. Macy says she's a pretty good judge of sick folks an' she judged Mrs. Kitts for all she was worth, an' she could n't feel as she ought in politeness to say anythin' 'cause the Lupeys sent her the round-trip ticket to go an' come back with. But she says just between her an' me an' not to let it go any further, that to her order of thinkin' (an' she'll take her Bible oath to it anywhere) Mrs. Kitts looks like one of those oldest survivor kinds as they print in the city Sunday papers every week. She says she ain't got the quiet, give-up manner of a person as is really quiet an' really givin' up—she's got the spry air of a person as likes to keep the whole family jumpin' quick whenever they speak. She says Mrs. Lupey says as she really does get awful low just often enough to keep their courage up, but Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey is easy fooled because them's the sort as outlives all their families in the end always. But seems as her gettin' low an' then raisin' up again ain't the only tough part for it seems as she was so low last fall that they really felt safe to send Maria up to the city to buy their mournin' at a bargain sale for there's four of 'em an' they want the veils thick so they'll look sorry from the outside anyhow. And Maria did go, an'— Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I will say as to hear about it all does go through one even if it ain't my personal crape! Seems as the clerk asked Maria if it was for a deep family mournin' or just a light friendly mournin', an' Maria told him it was goin' to be for her grandmother. Seems he was n't very polite about it, coughed a good deal behind his hand an' such doin's, until Maria got real vexed an' so mad over thinkin' as maybe it was n't all coughin' as he was keepin' his hand over that she lost her wits an' went to work an' bought most twice the crape she needed just to show him as she was n't tryin' to save nothin' on her grandmother, whatever he might think. So now Mrs. Macy says, added to Mrs. Kitts an' the bell they've got the care of all that crape on their hands, an' the damp gathers in it just awful on rainy days, an' of course no Christian can sun twenty yards of crape on their clothesline when the dead person ain't died yet, so they're wild over that, too. They've made their skirts themselves, an' they wanted to do their waists, only what with the way sleeves is puffin' out an' slimmin' up an' fronts is first hangin' over an' then hookin' down, the back it just does seem out of the question. They've worried a lot over the veils since they was bought 'cause they wanted to get into 'em last winter so as to get out of 'em by last spring, an' then even when Mrs. Kitts rallied from her Christmas dinner, they thought maybe they could still be out of 'em by the Fourth of July; but now—Heavens! Mrs. Macy says they don't ask to get out of 'em any more; all they ask is to get into 'em, an' goodness knows when that is ever goin' to happen. She says Mrs. Lupey says what with Judy's divorce an' Mrs. Kitts livin' right along she's going to get moths into her things for the first time in her life, she just knows she is. It's a pretty hard case any one can see, an' of course seein' Mrs. Kitts live like that may get Busby Bell all out of the notion of marryin' Judy, for of course no man ain't goin' to like to look forward to Mrs. Lupey's livin' like that too, maybe—or maybe Judy 'll live herself—you never can tell. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says she never guessed as sorrow could come so near to breakin' your back as losin' a grandmother is breakin' theirs. She says when she's really lost it won't be so bad 'cause they can all put on their crape veils an' go straight to bed an' to sleep, but she says this long drawn out losin' of her with that bell throwed into the bargain is somethin' calculated to make a saint out of a Chinaman, an' nothin' more nor less."

"Why—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

"I tell you, they can't," said Susan; "they want to bad enough, but they can't do it. Mrs. Kitts is too smart for that. She keeps her eagle eye on it awake, an' her whole hand on the little string when she's asleep, an' drums 'em up to know if the clock is really right, or if she feels anyways disposed to smell of cologne. Some nights she rolls on the string in her sleep, an' then the bell wakes her along with the rest of 'em, which Mrs. Macy says is a-doin' more aggravatin' to the Lupeys than any words can do justice to. Mrs. Macy says as she really does believe that if Mrs. Kitts took a fancy to oysters in August she'd be fully equal to ringin' that bell for 'em till September came an' they could get 'em for her. She says it would be just like her, she does declare. Mrs. Macy says she sit with Mrs. Kitts considerable an' Mrs. Kitts was very pleasant to her, an' give her two pair of black lace mitts an' a pin, but she found out afterwards as the mitts was Mrs. Lupey's an' the pin was Maria's, so after that she see just how the family felt about her an' her ways. Mrs. Macy says the whole thing is a tragedy right out of Shakespeare an' the only pleasant thing about her whole visit was as it did n't cost her nothin'."

"Did she—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

"Oh yes, I forgot to tell you about that. She see him four times. I don't know as she wants it generally known, but I wanted to know about it so I got it out of her. It does beat all, Mrs. Lathrop, how a woman of Mrs. Macy's sense, with a income that's only a little too small to get along on, can want to marry any man again. But she seems kind of crazy on the idea, an' if it ain't Mr. Dill, it's goin' to be Dr. Carter, or bu'st, with her. She says she went to his office just to let him know she was in Meadville, an' then she see him on the street, an' then she went to his office again to ask him his real opinion of Mrs. Kitts, an' then just before she left she went to his office again to let him know as she was goin' to come back here. So she see him four times in all."

"What did—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

"Oh, he told her as he would n't be surprised if any of 'em died any day. That is, any of 'em except Mrs. Kitts. He did n't seem to think as Mrs. Kitts would ever die."

"What do—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

"Oh, I saw there was nothin' else as Mrs. Macy could talk about just now so I come home an' then I come over here. I declare though, Mrs. Lathrop, I can't help bein' a little blue to-night. Of course I ain't any real relation to you, but we've been neighbors so long that I can't help feelin' a little bit uneasy over thinkin' of Mrs. Kitts an' wonderin' how long you may be goin' to live in the end."



CHAPTER XI

THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop," said Susan Clegg one pleasant May evening, as she and her devoted listener leaned their elbows on the top rail of the fence, "I can't but thank Heaven as these boards is the only thing as you ever take opposite sides from me on. I don't say as your never disagreein' ain't sometimes wearin', but there are days as I feel I'd enjoy a little discussion an' then Elijah an' I discuss on those days till it seems like I can't live to get to you an' do it all alone by myself. Elijah's a very young man but he's a man after all an' there's somethin' about a man as makes him not able to see any side of anythin' except his own side. Now it don't make any difference what we talk about I always take the other side, an' I will in confidence remark as the South fightin' Grant had a easy job compared to me tryin' to get Elijah to see any side but his own. Elijah's a very pig-headed young man an' I declare I don't know I'm sure what ailed him last night—seemed as if he was up a tree about somethin' as made him just wild over the Democratic party. I must say—an' I said it to his face, too—as to my order of thinkin' takin' sides about the Democrats nowadays is like takin' sides with Pharaoh after the Red Sea had swallowed him an' all his chariots up forever, but Elijah never gives up to no man, an' he said, not so, the Democrats was still ready to be the salvation of the country if only Bryan would give 'em a chance. He says they 've been handicapped so far an' it's very tryin' for any party to have to choose between a donkey an' a tiger for its picture of itself, for no sensible person likes to have to ride on either, an' no politics could ever make a success of a donkey for a mascot, whether you judge him from his ears or his heels. I had it in my mind to say somethin' then about turnin' around an' takin' a fresh start with a fresh animal as a sensible person would find it nothin' but a joy to ride, but Elijah, like all newspapers, rips a thing up the back an' then shows you how you can't do better than to sew up the tear an' go on wearin' it again, so after he'd skinned the donkey an' the tiger both alive, so to speak, he went on to say as never's a long game an' him laughs best who keeps sober longest an' altogether his own feelin' was as America 'll soon perceive her only hope lays in electin' a new Democratic party. I just broke in then an' told him it looked to me as if the natural run of mankind would n't let Grover Cleveland skip eight years an' then try it again more 'n six times more, an' that if the Republicans keep it up as they have awhile longer no money won't be able to get 'em out 'cause they'll have all the money there is in the country right in with them, but by that time Elijah'd got his breath, an' he just shook his head an' asked me if I remembered what a lot of fuss the first billion dollar congress made an' if I'd observed how calm they was took now? I told him I had an' then we went at it hammer an' tongs, Elijah for the Democrats an' me against 'em, although I must say I wished he'd give me the other side, for in spite of their actin' so silly I must say I always have a feelin' as the most of the Democrats is tryin' to be honest which is somethin' as even their best friend couldn't say of the most of the Republicans as a general thing."

"Did—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

"Yes, I did, an' I don't know but we'd be talkin' yet only Mr. Dill come in on us to ask me if I would n't consider takin' Gran'ma Mullins to board for a month or two, just to see how Hiram an' Lucy would get along if they had the house all alone to themselves."

"What—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

"Well, I told him I'd think about it," said Miss Clegg. "I don't know I'm sure why I should bed an' board Gran'ma Mullins to help Lucy an' Hiram to try to get along any better. They 're a good deal more interestin' to talk about the way they're gettin' along now. I never see Mrs. Macy but what she has somethin' amusin' to tell me about Hiram an' Lucy an' Gran'ma Mullins, an' I like to hear it. She says the other night they was all three runnin' round the house one after another for a hour an' she said she most died laughin' to watch 'em. Seems Lucy got mad an' started to run after Hiram to pull his hair, an' Gran'ma Mullins was so scared for fear she would pull his hair that she run after Lucy to ask her not to do it. Hiram run so much faster than Lucy that finally he caught up with Gran'ma Mullins an' then they all went to bed. Mrs. Macy says that's the way they act all the time, an' she certainly would n't see any more than I should why I should break up the family. I'm sure I never cooked up that marriage an' I told Mr. Dill so. I asked him why he did n't take Gran'ma Mullins to board with him, if he was so wild to get her away from Lucy, but he said he did n't think it'd be proper, an' I said I did n't say nothin' about bed—I just spoke about board, an' if there was anythin' as was n't proper about boardin' Gran'ma Mullins he'd ought not to of mentioned the subject to me."

"What—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

"Oh, there was n't nothin' left for him to say then, of course; but law! I did n't see no use mooley-cowin' around Mr. Dill; what I wanted was for him to go so Elijah an' me could go on discussin'. Elijah thinks our paper ought to come out strong now that we've got one an' he said he would in confidence remark to me as he intended to say some very pointed things soon. He says all the editors in the country know as the plans an' the parties is all fixed up beforehand nowadays; the Republicans say how many they'll have in each state an' then they never fail to have 'em an' that's a national disgrace for nobody ought to know beforehand how a election is goin' to pan out for it would n't be possible if folks was anyways honest. He says for a carefully planned an' worked up thing a Republican victory is about the tamest surprise as this country ever gets nowadays, an' yet we keep on gettin' them an' openin' our eyes over 'em every four years like they was somethin' new.

"I bu'st in then an' said as there was sure to come a change afore long with prices goin' up like they is an' a reaction bound to drop in the end. Elijah laughed then an' said he knowed well enough as when the deluge come the Republicans would grab the Democrats an' hold 'em just like that rich man who grabbed the clerk an' held him in front of him, when they throwed that bomb at him in his office."

"At the—" cried Mrs. Lathrop, opening her eyes.

"Yes, the bomb was meant for him, but he held the clerk in front of him so the clerk caught it all. That's what they call presence of mind, an' as far as my observation 's extended, Mrs. Lathrop, the Republicans have got full as much of it—they must have, for they both make money right straight along an' I've observed myself as they always step out when a crash comes an' let the Democrats in to do the economizin' till there's enough money saved up to make it worth while for them to take hold again which comes to much the same thing in the end. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, I see after a little as it was n't no use talkin' to Elijah so I just had to listen to him an' he really did kind of frighten me in the end. Livin' with an editor an' readin' that book of Mr. Fisher's has opened my eyes to a many new ideas. I've lived in a small town all my life but I've got brains an' there's no use denyin' as a woman with brains can apply 'em to the president just as easy as to the minister, once she gets to thinkin' on the subject. This country is in a very bad way an' it's all owin' to our bein' satisfied with what's told us an' not lookin' into nothin' for ourselves. We've got the Philippines now an' we've got Hawaii an' we've got the niggers an' we've got ever so many other things. We've got the Mormons down to one wife as a general thing an' the Italians comin' in by the thousands an' more old soldiers bein' born every year an' the fifth generation of Revolutionary orphans out filin' their pensions—an' we owe 'em all to the Republicans. Elijah says we owe 'em a lot else, too, but I think that's enough in all conscience. Elijah says too it costs a third more to live than it did ten years ago an' he knows that for a fact, an' you an' I know that, too, Mrs. Lathrop. Coal's gone up an' everythin' else. I tell you I got kind of blue, thinkin' about it after I went to bed last night an' it took me a long time to remember as Elijah was maybe more upset over not bein' able to go an' see 'Liza Em'ly on account of the rain, than anythin' else; but then too, Mr. Shores is very much cast down over the country, only I must admit as it's more 'n likely as he ain't really half as mournful over the Democrats as he is over his wife; an' then there's Judge Fitch as is always mad over politics an' we all know that that's just 'cause he's always been called 'judge' ever since he was born, an' nobody ain't never made him judge of nothin' bigger 'n us yet. I guess if he was sure as our paper could get him elected to congress he'd cheer up pretty quick, but he told me yesterday as Elijah did n't know how to conduct a campaign to his order of thinkin'. He don't like that cut of Elijah's being David to the city papers bein' Goliath. He says a cut to do him any good had ought to have him in it somewhere an' I don't know but what he's right.

"But, Mrs. Lathrop, we are mighty bad off an' that's a fact, but still I will say this much an' that is that as far as my observation 's extended folks as complains openly of anythin' is always findin' fault with the thing because there's some secret thing as they can't find fault openly with, like Elijah an' the rain, an' Mr. Shores an' his wife. The world's great for takin' its private miseries out publicly in some other direction, an' my own feelin' is as the Democrats is a great comfort to every one as the Republicans can't very conveniently give nothin' to these days. If the president was to suddenly make Sam Duruy a minister to somewhere there'd be a great change of opinion as to politics in this town, you'd see. It would n't give Sam any more brains, but every one 'd be pleased an' the Democrats would n't cut no figure no more."

"But—" said Mrs. Lathrop.

"That's just it," said Susan, "that's just the trouble. We're like most of the rest of America an' the whole of Cuba an' the Philippines, too little an' too far off to make the big folks really care whether we like the way they do or not. I don't have no idea of carin' whether potato bugs mind bein' picked or not, an' no matter what they said about me before or after their pickin' it 'd be all one to me. An' that's just about the way our government feels about us. An' I guess most other governments is much the same. Which is probably the reason why potato bugs is gettin' worse an' thicker all the time."



CHAPTER XII

THE TRIALS OF MRS. MACY

As Susan set the basket down it began to squawk.

"I don't care," she said, "let it squawk!"

"But what—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, in whose kitchen Susan had set the basket down and in whose kitchen chair Susan was now sitting herself down.

"Let it squawk," Susan repeated; "I guess it's made trouble enough for others so that I may in all confidence feel to set a little while without troublin' about it myself. I look upon it that I was very kind to take it anyhow, not havin' no idea how it'll agree with the chickens when it comes to eatin' with them or with me when it comes to me eatin' it, for you know as I never was one as cared for 'em, Mrs. Lathrop, but still a friend is a friend, an' in Mrs. Macy's state to-night the least her friends could do was for Gran'ma Mullins to stay with her an' for me to take the duck. Gran'ma Mullins was willing to sit up with a under-the-weather neighbor, but she said she could not take a duck on her mind too, an' a spoiled duck at that, for I will in confidence remark, Mrs. Lathrop, as you only need to be in the room with that duck two minutes to see as the Prodigal Son was fully an' freely whipped in comparison to the way as he's been dealt with."

"I really—" protested Mrs. Lathrop.

"Well, I don't know but it will be savin' of breath in the end," said Miss Clegg, and thereupon she arose, laid hold of the squawking basket, bore it into the next room, and coming out, shut the connecting door firmly behind her.

"Where under the—" began Mrs. Lathrop.

"It's really quite a long story," returned her friend; "but I come in just to tell you, anyhow. It's Mrs. Macy's story an' it begun when she went in town yesterday mornin', an' it's a story of her trials, an' I will say this for Mrs. Macy, as more trials right along one after another I never hear of an' to see her sittin' there now in her carpet slippers with a capsicum plaster to her back an' Gran'ma Mullins makin' her tea every minute she ain't makin' her toast is enough to make any one as is as soft an' tender-hearted as I am take any duck whether it's spoiled or not. An' so I took this duck."

"Well, I—" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.

"You think not now," said Susan, "but you soon will when I tell you, for as I said before, I come over just to tell you, an' I'm goin' to begin right off. It's a long story an' one as 'll take time to tell, but you know me an' you know as I always take time to tell you everythin' so you can rely on gettin' the whole hide an' hair of this; an' you'll get it fresh from the spout too, for I'm just fresh from Mrs. Macy an' Mrs. Macy's so fresh from her trials that they was still holdin' the plaster on to her when I left."

"But—" expostulated the listener.

"Well, now this is how it was," said Miss Clegg; "an' I'll begin 'way back in the beginnin' so you 'll have it all straight, for it's very needful to have it straight so as to understand just why she is so nigh to half mad. For Mrs. Macy is n't one as gets mad easy, an' so it's well for us as has got to live in the same town with her to well an' clearly learn just how much it takes to use her up.

"Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as yesterday mornin' Mrs. Macy set out to go to town to buy her some shoes. Seems as she was goin' to take lunch with Busby Bell's cousin Luther Stott's wife as she met at the Lupeys' in Meadville, 'cause they only live three-quarters of an hour from town on two changes of the electric, an' Mrs. Stott told Mrs. Lupey as any time she or her relations got tired of shoppin' she'd be nothin' but happy to have 'em drop in on her to rest 'cause she kept a girl an' her husband's sister, too, so company was n't no work for her herself. Well, Mrs. Macy was goin' to the city an' so she looked up the address an' made up her mind to go there to lunch, an' so she wrote the address on one side of the piece of paper as she had in her black bag an' she wrote her shoes on the other side, for she says they're a new kind of shoes as is warranted not to pinch you in the back, by every magazine an' newspaper—an' you know what Mrs. Macy is on bein' pinched; why, she says she give up belts an' took to carpet slippers just for the very reason as she could not stand bein' pinched nowhere.

"Well, seems as the shoes was Kulosis shoes an' Mrs. Macy says how any one could remember 'em off of paper she can't see anyhow, an' Luther Stott's wife lives 2164 Eleventh Avenue S.W., an' that was very important too, for there's seven other Eleventh Avenues in the city besides eight Eleventh Streets; seems as the new part of the city is laid out that way so as to make it simple to them as knows where they live anyhow.

"Well, Mrs. Macy says she put on her bonnet as happy as any one looks to be afore they know they're goin' to be the first to have a new invention tried on 'em an' then she locked up her house an' set off. She says she never was great on new inventions for she's lived under a lightnin' rod for pretty near forty years an' never come anywhere nigh to be struck once yet, but she says she has now learned to her sorrow as bein' fooled by a lightnin' rod man forty years ago ain't nothin' to bein' fooled by a minister for forty years ahead, for she says she'll lose her guess if this last foolin' don't last forty years or even longer if she lives that long, an' make her wear her felt slippers all the forty years too.

"Well, she says of course you might know as it would be the minister as done her up first on this day of misery, an' it was the minister! She says after that donation party to fix him out with new shirts last week she surely looked to be spared any further inflictions from him for one while; she says the idea as the congregation is expected to shirt the minister was surely most new to her, an' she was dead set against it at first, but she says she come to the fore an' was one to help make him the six when she see as it was expected to be her duty as a Christian, but she says she surely hoped when she hemmed the tail of the last one as she'd seen the last of him for a good breathin' spell.

"But no, Mrs. Lathrop, seems it was n't to be, an' so she learned to her keen an' pinchin' sorrow yesterday mornin', for she was n't more 'n fairly on her way to town when she run square up to him on the bridge an' as a result was just in time to be the first for him to try his new memory system on, an' she told Gran'ma Mullins an' me with tears in her eyes an' her felt slippers solemnly crossed on top of each other, as she can not see why it had to be her of all people an' her shoes of all things, for she says—an' I certainly felt to agree, Mrs. Lathrop—as if there's anythin' on the wide earth as you don't want to apply a memory system to it's your shoes, for shoes is somethin' as is happiest forgot.

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, seems as this new memory system of the minister's is a thing as he got out of a Sunday School magazine in reward for workin' out a puzzle. Seems you guess big cities till their capital letters spell 'Memory,' an' then you send the answers to the magazine an' a dollar for postage an' packin' an' then they send you the memory system complete in one book for nothin' a tall. Or you can add in a two-cent stamp an' not guess nothin', but the minister guessed 'cause he felt as in his circumstances he had n't ought to waste even two cents! Seems as they had a most awful time afore they found Ypsilanti for the 'Y,' an' for a while they was most afraid they'd have to be reckless with two cents, but they got it in the end an' sent 'em all off, an' the book come back with a injunction forbiddin' it to be lent to no one stamped on every page. Seems it come back day before yesterday an' the minister sat up most of the night commemoratin' the theory, an' then Mrs. Macy says he just got it into him in time for Fate to let him go an' be flung at her right on the bridge! She says she was n't no more mistrustin' trouble than any one does when they meet a loose minister out walkin' an' she says she can't well see how any woman meetin' a man across a bridge can be blamed for not knowin' as he's just grasped a new principle an' is dyin' to apply it to the first thing handy.

"She says he asked her where she was goin' an' she told him frank an' open as she was goin' to the city to buy some shoes as was warranted not to pinch. She says he asked her what kind of shoes they was an' she opened her little bag an' got out the paper an' read him as they was Kulosis shoes. He asked her why she had it wrote down an' she told him as she had it wrote down so as not to forget the kind an' maybe get pinched again.

"Well, she says she was standin' sideways an' was n't watchin' particular, so she was n't in no state to suspect nothin' when he told her as she could easy throw that piece of paper away an' go to town without it. She says she told him as she knowed that she could easy throw the piece of paper away an' go to town without it, but how was she to remember her shoes which was the reason why she was takin' the piece of paper along with her? Then she says as he said as he'd show her how to remember her shoes an' welcome an' she says as she thought as long as it was welcome she might as well stand still, so she did.

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just as you please, but the first thing he did was to ask her what Kulosis reminded her of, which struck her as most strange in the start out. But she told him as it did n't remind her of nothin' but shoes an' let it go at that, an' she says it was plain as then he had to think of somethin' as it could remind somebody of, an' she says he certainly did have to think a long while an' when he said finally as it reminded him of four noses.

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says she never heard the beat of that in all her born days, an' her mind went back to her childhood days an' a uncle she had, an' the Lord 'll surely forgive her for thinkin' as he'd surely been drinkin'; she says she was so took aback that he see it in her face an' told her right then an' there as it was a memory system. Seems as the key to the whole is as you must reduce everythin' to Mother Goose so as not to need the brains as you've growed since, an' the minister told Mrs. Macy as she'd find it most simple to apply. He went on to ask her what did four noses remind her of, an' she says she thought she see the whole game at that an' told him as quick as scat that they reminded her of Kulosis, but oh, my, seems that ain't the way it goes a tall, an' he begin an' explained it all over again, an' where he come out in the end was as four noses would just naturally remind any one as had more brains'n Mrs. Macy of 'Two legs sat upon three legs.' You know the rhyme in Mother Goose where the dog is four legs an' gets the mutton as is one leg in the man's lap?



"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe understand as Mrs. Macy was just about plum paralyzed at that! Her story is as she just stood afore him with her mouth open like a Jack-o'-lantern's, wonderin' what under the sun she was goin' to be asked to remember next, an' when he said that was all, an' for her just to simply tear up the paper, she forgot all about Luther Stott's wife on the back an' tore up the paper. He said for her to go right along to town fully an' freely relyin' on 'Two legs sat upon three legs' to get her her shoes, an' she says what with bein' so dumbfoundered, an' what with him bein' the minister into the bargain, she went along to the station thinkin' as maybe she'd be able to do it.

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could hear Mrs. Macy for that ain't nothin' but the beginnin', whatever you may think, an' the rest gets awfuller an' awfuller!

"In the first place talkin' so long for the minister made her have to run for the train, an' you know what Mrs. Macy is on a run. She said she got so hot, as she was not only on a run but mostly on a pour all the way to town. Why, she says it was most terrible an' she says nothin' ever give her such a idea as she was a born fool afore, for with it all she had to keep on sayin' 'Two legs sat upon three legs' as regular as a clock, an' she was so afraid she'd forget it that she did n't dare even take her usual little nap on the way an' so had no choice but to land all wore out.

"Well, as soon as she was landed she remembered about Luther Stott's wife bein' on the back of the piece of paper an' consequently tore up along with her shoes, an' she says the start she got over rememberin' havin' torn up Luther Stott's wife drove what 'Two legs sat upon three legs' was to remind her of clean out of her head, not to speak of havin' long since lost track of the way to get any connection between that an' her shoes.

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I only wish you'd of been there to hear! She says nobody ever did afore! She says she went up one street an' down another like a lost soul, lookin' for a policeman. She says she felt she did n't know where to find nothin'. She could n't look for Luther in the directory 'cause he's long dead an' only his wife lives there, an' as for her shoes she was clean beside herself. She says she was so mad at the minister as she'd have throwed away her baptism an' her marriage then an' there just because it was ministers as done 'em both to her, if there'd been anyway to get 'em off. Finally she just put her pride into her pocket, went into a shoe store an' asked 'em openly if 'Two legs sat upon three legs' reminded 'em of anythin' in the way of shoes. She says the man looked at her in a way as passed all belief an' said it reminded him more of pants than shoes.

"Well, she says she went out into the street at that an' her heart was too low for any use; but the end was n't yet, for as she was wanderin' along who should she meet but Drusilla Cobb?

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know Drusilla Cobb! You know what she was afore she left here, an' Mrs. Macy says ten years ain't altered her a tall. Whenever Drusilla was glad to see any one she always had a reason, an' Mrs. Macy says it speaks loud for how clean used up she was over her shoes that she never remembered that way of Drusilla's. Drusilla never saw no one on the street unless she had a reason, an' if she had a reason it was Heaven help them as Drusilla saw on the street.

"So now she saw Mrs. Macy an' asked her right home to lunch with her, an' Mrs. Macy very gladly went. She says no words can tell how lively an' pleasant Drusilla was, an' she felt to be glad she met her all the way home. She says Drusilla has a very nice home an' a thin husband an' three very thin boys. She says Drusilla is the only fat one in the family."

Susan paused and drew a long breath.

Mrs. Lathrop adjusted herself in a new position.

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, now's where the duck comes in. The duck was Drusilla's reason, an' Mrs. Macy's next trial. Mrs. Macy says if any one had told her as she was to go to town for shoes an' bring back a duck, or be did in one day first by the minister an' next by Drusilla Cobb, she'd take her Bible oath as whoever said it was lyin', but so it was."

"Is—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

"Yes," said Miss Clegg, "it's the same one. An' this is its why as told by Mrs. Macy to Gran'ma Mullins an' me." She paused and drew a still longer breath. "Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as Drusilla's husband had got a friend as goes huntin' with a doctor. Seems he found four little red-headed things in a nest of reeds an' took one an' asked the doctor what it was. Seems the doctor said as he thought as it was a golden-headed oriole but the friend thought as it was a mud hen. So he give it to Drusilla's youngest boy to raise in a flat for his birthday. Well, Mrs. Macy says bein' raised in a flat was surely most new to the animal as very soon turned out to be a duck. Seems it snapped at all the black spots in the carpets for bugs an' when they put it in the bath-tub to swim it would n't swim but just kept diving for the hole in the bottom. Seems they had a most lively time with it an' it run after 'em everywhere an' snapped at their shoe-buttons an' squawked nights, an' when Drusilla see Mrs. Macy she thought right off as she could give her the duck to take home with her 'cause she lived in the country. So that was how Mrs. Macy come to be asked to take dinner at Drusilla's so dreadful pleasant.

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says as she no more mistrusted what travelin' with a duck is than anythin', so although she could n't say as she really relishes any duck afore he's cooked, she thought as it could swim in the crick, an' maybe grow to be a comfort, so she let them put it in a basket, an' give her a envelope of dead flies for it to lunch on, an' she set off for home. She had to wait a long time for a car an' the duck was so restless it eat eight flies an' bit her twice waitin', but finally the car come along an' she an' the duck got on. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, she says you never hear nothin' like that duck when it felt itself on a electric car! The conductor heard it an' come runnin' an' stopped the car an' put 'em both off afore she realized as she was gettin' off for her duck instead of her depot.

"So there was Mrs. Macy stranded high an' dry in a strange part of the city alone with a duck out of the goodness of her heart. You can maybe believe as she was very far from feelin' friendly to Drusilla Cobb when she realized as she couldn't take no car with no duck an' didn't know Drusilla's number to take her back her duck, neither. Mrs. Macy says as she felt herself slowly growin' mad an' she went into a store near by an' asked 'em if they had a telephone. They said they had, an' she says she never will know what possessed her but she just looked that telephone square in the eye an' told it to get her the president of the car company without a second's delay. She says it was astonishin' how quick it got her somebody an' as soon as they'd each said 'Hello' polite enough, she just up an' asked him to please tell her the difference between a duck an' a canary-bird. Well, she says he did n't say nothin' for a minute an' then he said 'Wh-a-t?' in a most feeble manner, an' she asked him it right over again. Then she said he was more nervous an' made very queer noises an' finally asked her what in Noah's ark she wanted to know for. She says she could n't but think that very ill-bred, considerin' her age, but she was in a situation where she had to overlook anythin', so she told him as she knowed an' he knowed, too, as any one could take a canary-bird an' travel anywhere an' never know what it was to be put off for nothin'. She said he shook the wire a little more an' then asked her if she was meanin' to lead him to infer that she had been injected from a car with a duck. She says his tone was so disrespectful that she felt her own beginnin' to rise an' she told him so far from bein' injected she'd been put out an' off a car an' she had the duck right with her to prove it. He told her as he would advise her to try to do the duck up in a derby hat an' smuggle him through that way, an' then without a word more he hung up.

"Well, Mrs. Macy says she just about never was so mad afore. She says when she turned around all the men in the store was laughin' an' that made her madder yet, but there was one on 'em as said he felt for her 'cause he owned a pair of ducks himself, an' he went in the back of the store an' found a old hat-box as was pretty large an' he went to work an' took the duck out of the basket an' put him into the box an' give Mrs. Macy 'em both to carry an' put her on another car an' she set off again.

"Well, that time she got to the depot all safe, an' if there was n't old Dr. Carter from Meadville an' it goes without sayin' as old Dr. Carter from Meadville could drive any duck clean out of Mrs. Macy's head, so she an' he set out to be real happy to the Junction, an' the first thing he asked her was if she'd been buyin' a new bonnet in town an' she laughed an' give the box a little heave an' the bottom come out an' the duck flew down the car.



"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe guess as that was most tryin' both to Mrs. Macy an' Dr. Carter as well, as is both fat an' was both wedged in one seat expectin' to enjoy all they could of each other to the Junction. Dr. Carter was obliged to unwedge himself an' catchin' the duck was a most awful business an' Dr. Carter had to get off just about as soon as it was done. Well, Mrs. Macy says helpin' to catch your duck seems to make every one feel as free as air, an' a man come right off an' sat with her right off an' asked her right off whether it was a duck or a drake. Why, she says she never did—not in all her life—an' he told her she could easy tell by catchin' a spider an' givin' it to the duck an' if he took it it was a drake an' if she took it it was a duck. He asked her if it was n't so an' she said she could n't deny it, an' then he went back to his own seat an' she rode the rest of the way tryin' to figure on where the hitch was in what he said, for she says as she certainly feels there's a hitch an' yet you can't deny that it's all straight about the spider an' the he and the she.