In theaters the abnormal sexuality stimulated by such association in work is complicated by the general tendency for homosexuality to be connected with dramatic aptitude, a point to which I shall have to refer later on. I am indebted to a friend for the following note: "Passionate friendships among girls, from the most innocent to the most elaborate excursions in the direction of Lesbos, are extremely common in theaters, both among actresses and, even more, among chorus-and ballet-girls. Here the pell-mell of the dressing-rooms, the wait of perhaps two hours between the performances, during which all the girls are cooped up, in a state of inaction and of excitement, in a few crowded dressing-rooms, afford every opportunity for the growth of this particular kind of sentiment. In most of the theaters there is a little circle of girls, somewhat avoided by the others, or themselves careless of further acquaintanceship, who profess the most unbounded devotion to one another. Most of these girls are equally ready to flirt with the opposite sex, but I know certain ones among them who will scarcely speak to a man, and who are never seen without their particular 'pal' or 'chum,' who, if she gets moved to another theater, will come around and wait for her friend at the stage-door. But here, again, it is but seldom that the experience is carried very far. The fact is that the English girl, especially of the lower and middle classes, whether she has lost her virtue or not, is extremely fettered by conventional notions. Ignorance and habit are two restraining influences from the carrying out of this particular kind of perversion to its logical conclusions. It is, therefore, among the upper ranks, alike of society and of prostitution, that Lesbianism is most definitely to be met with, for here we have much greater liberty of action, and much greater freedom from prejudices."

With girls, as with boys, it is in the school, at the evolution of puberty, that homosexuality usually first shows itself. It may originate in a way mainly peripheral or mainly central. In the first case, two children, perhaps when close to each other in bed, more or less unintentionally generate in each other a certain amount of sexual irritation, which they foster by mutual touching and kissing. This is a spurious kind of homosexuality, the often precocious play of the normal instinct. In the girl who is congenitally predisposed to homosexuality it will continue and develop; in the majority it will be forgotten as quickly as possible, not without shame, in the presence of the normal object of sexual love.

I may quote as fairly typical the following observation supplied by a lady who cannot be called inverted: "Like so many other children and girls, I was first taught self-indulgence by a girl at school, and I passed on my knowledge to one or two others, with one of whom I remember once, when we were just 16, spending the night sensually. We were horribly ashamed after, and that was the only time. When I was only 8 there was a girl of 13 who liked to play with my body, and taught me to play with hers, though I rather disliked doing so. We slept together, and this went on at intervals for six months. These things, for the sake of getting enjoyment, and not with any passion, are not uncommon with children, but less common, I think, than people sometimes imagine. I believe I could recall without much difficulty, the number of times such things happened with me. In the case I mentioned when I did for one night feel—or try to excite in myself and my girl-companion of 16—sensual passion, we had as little children slept together a few times and done these things, and meeting after an absence, just at that age, recalled our childish memories, and were carried away by sexual impulse. But I never felt any peculiar affection or passion for her even at the time, nor she for me. We only felt that our sensual nature was strong at the time, and had betrayed us into something we were ashamed of, and, therefore, we avoided letting ourselves sleep too close after that day. I think we disliked each other, and were revolted whenever we thought of that night, feeling that each had degraded the other and herself."

The cases in which the source is mainly central, rather than peripheral, nevertheless merge into the foregoing, with no clear line of demarcation. In such cases a girl forms an ardent attachment for another girl, probably somewhat older than herself, often a schoolfellow, sometimes her schoolmistress, upon whom she will lavish an astonishing amount of affection and devotion. There may or not be any return; usually the return consists of a gracious acceptance of the affectionate services. The girl who expends this wealth of devotion is surcharged with emotion, but she is often unconscious or ignorant of the sexual impulse, and she seeks for no form of sexual satisfaction. Kissing and the privilege of sleeping with the friend are, however, sought, and at such times it often happens that even the comparatively unresponsive friend feels more or less definite sexual emotion (pudendal turgescence, with secretion of mucus and involuntary twitching of the neighboring muscles), though little or no attention may be paid to this phenomenon, and in the common ignorance of girls concerning sex matters it may not be understood. In some cases there is an attempt, either instinctive or intentional, to develop the sexual feeling by close embraces and kissing. This rudimentary kind of homosexual relationship is, I believe, more common among girls than among boys, and for this there are several reasons: (1) a boy more often has some acquaintance with sexual phenomena, and would frequently regard such a relationship as unmanly; (2) the girl has a stronger need of affection and self-devotion to another person than a boy has; (3) she has not, under our existing social conditions which compel young women to hold the opposite sex at arm's length, the same opportunities of finding an outlet for her sexual emotions; while (4) conventional propriety recognizes a considerable degree of physical intimacy between girls, thus at once encouraging and cloaking the manifestations of homosexuality.

The ardent attachments which girls in schools and colleges form to each other and to their teachers constitute a subject which is of considerable psychological interest and of no little practical importance.[163] These girlish devotions, on the borderland between friendship and sexual passion, are found in all countries where girls are segregated for educational purposes, and their symptoms are, on the whole, singularly uniform, though they vary in intensity and character to some extent, from time to time and from place to place, sometimes assuming an epidemic form. They have been most carefully studied in Italy, where Obici and Marchesini—an alienist and a psychologist working in conjunction—have analyzed the phenomena with remarkable insight and delicacy and much wealth of illustrative material.[164] But exactly the same phenomena are everywhere found in English girls' schools, even of the most modern type, and in some of the large American women's colleges they have sometimes become so acute as to cause much anxiety.[165] On the whole, however, it is probable that such manifestations are regarded more indulgently in girls' than in boys' schools, and in view of the fact that the manifestations of affection are normally more pronounced between girls than between boys, this seems reasonable. The head mistress of an English training college writes:—

"My own assumption on such, matters has been that affection does naturally belong to the body as well as the mind, and between two women is naturally and innocently expressed by, caresses. I have never therefore felt that I ought to warn any girl against the physical element in friendship, as such. The test I should probably suggest to them would be the same as one would use for any other relation—was the friendship helping life as a whole, making them keener, kinder, more industrious, etc., or was it hindering it?"

Passionate friendships, of a more or less unconsciously sexual character, are common even outside and beyond school-life. It frequently happens that a period during which a young woman falls in love at a distance with some young man of her acquaintance alternates with periods of intimate attachment to a friend of her own sex. No congenital inversion is usually involved. It generally happens, in the end, either that relationship with a man brings the normal impulse into permanent play, or the steadying of the emotions in the stress of practical life leads to a knowledge of the real nature of such feelings and a consequent distaste for them. In some cases, on the other hand, such relationships, especially when formed after school-life, are fairly permanent. An energetic emotional woman, not usually beautiful, will perhaps be devoted to another who may have found some rather specialized lifework, but who may be very unpractical, and who has probably a very feeble sexual instinct; she is grateful for her friends's devotion, but may not actively reciprocate it. The actual specific sexual phenomena generated in such cases vary very greatly. The emotion may be latent or unconscious; it may be all on one side; it is often more or less recognized and shared. Such cases are on the borderland of true sexual inversion, but they cannot be included within its region. Sex in these relationships is scarcely the essential and fundamental element; it is more or less subordinate and parasitic. There is often a semblance of a sex-relationship from the marked divergence of the friends in physical and psychic qualities, and the nervous development of one or both the friends is sometimes slightly abnormal. We have to regard such relationships as hypertrophied friendships, the hypertrophy being due to unemployed sexual instinct.

The following narrative is written by a lady who holds a responsible educational position: "A friend of mine, two or three years older than myself (I am 31), and living in the same house with me, has been passing through a very unhappy time. Long nervous strain connected with this has made her sleep badly, and apt to wake in terrible depression about 3 o'clock in the morning. In the early days of our friendship, about eight months ago, she occasionally at these times took refuge with me. After a while I insisted on her consulting a doctor, who advised her, amongst other things, not to sleep alone. Thenceforth for two or three months I induced her to share my room. After a week or two she generally shared my bed for a time at the beginning of the night, as it seemed to help her to sleep.

"Before this, about the second or third time that she came to me in the early morning, I had been surprised and a little frightened to find how pleasant it was to me to have her, and how reluctant I was that she should go away. When we began regularly to sleep in the same room, the physical part of our affection grew rapidly very strong. It is natural for me generally to caress my friends, but I soon could not be alone in a room with this one without wanting to have my arms round her. It would have been intolerable to me to live with her without being able to touch her. We did not discuss it, but it was evident that the desire was even stronger in her than in me.

"For some time it satisfied us fully to be in bed together. One night, however, when she had had a cruelly trying day and I wanted to find all ways of comforting her, I bared by breast for her to lie on. Afterward it was clear that neither of us could be satisfied without this. She groped for it like a child, and it excited me much more to feel that than to uncover my breast and arms altogether at once.

"Much of this excitement was sexually localized, and I was haunted in the daytime by images of holding this woman in my arms. I noticed also that my inclination to caress my other women friends was not diminished, but increased. All this disturbed me a good deal. The homosexual practices of which I had read lately struck me as merely nasty; I could not imagines myself tempted to them;—at the same time the whole matter was new to me, for I had never wanted anyone even to share my bed before; I had read that sex instinct was mysterious and unexpected, and I felt that I did not know what might come next.

"I knew only one elder person whom (for wide-mindedness, gentleness, and saintliness) I could bear to consult; and to this person, a middle-aged man, I wrote for advice. He replied by a long letter of the most tender warning. I had better not weaken my influence with my friend, he wrote, by going back suddenly or without her consent, but I was to be very wary of going further; there was fire about. I tried to put this into practice by restraining myself constantly in our intercourse, by refraining from caressing her, for instance, when I wanted to caress her and knew that she wanted it. The only result seemed to be that the desire was more tormenting and constant than ever.

"If at this point my friend had happened to die or go away, and the incident had come to an end, I should probably have been left nervous in these matters for years to come. I should have faltered in the opinion I had always held, that bodily expressions of love between women were as innocent as they were natural; and I might have come nearer than I ever expected to the doctrine of those convent teachers who forbid their girls to embrace one another for fear an incalculable instinct should carry them to the edge of an abyss.

"As it was, after a while I said a little on the subject to my friend herself. I had been inclined to think that she might share my anxiety, but she did not share it at all. She said to me that she did not like these thoughts, that she cared for me more than She had ever done for any person except one (now causing most of her unhappiness), and wanted me in all possible ways, and that it would make her sad to feel that I was trying not to want her in one way because I thought it was wrong.

"On my part, I knew very well how much she did need and want me. I knew that in relations with others she was spending the greatest effort in following a course that I urged on her, and was doing what I thought right in spite of the most painful pressure on her to do wrong; and that she needed all the support and comfort I could give her. It seemed to me, after our conversation, that the right path for me lay not in giving way to fears and scruples, but in giving my friend straightforwardly all the love I could and all the kinds of love I could. I decided to keep my eyes open for danger, but meanwhile to go on.

"We were living alone together at the time, and thenceforward we did as we liked doing. As soon as we could, we moved to a bed where we could sleep together all night. In the day when no one was there we sat as close together as we wished, which was very close. We kissed each other as often as we wanted to kiss each other, which was very many times a day.

"The results of this, so far as I can see, have been wholly good. We love each other warmly, but no temptation to nastiness has ever come, and I cannot see now that it is at all likely to come. With custom, the localized physical excitement has practically disappeared, and I am no longer obsessed by imagined embraces. The spiritual side of our affection seems to have grown steadily stronger and more profitable since the physical side has, been allowed to take its natural place."

A class in which homosexuality, while fairly distinct, is only slightly marked, is formed by the women to whom the actively inverted woman is most attracted. These women differ, in the first place, from the normal, or average, woman in that they are not repelled or disgusted by lover-like advances from persons of their own sex. They are not usually attractive to the average man, though to this rule there are many exceptions. Their faces may be plain or ill-made, but not seldom they possess good figures: a point which is apt to carry more weight with the inverted woman than beauty of face. Their sexual impulses are seldom well marked, but they are of strongly affectionate nature. On the whole, they are women who are not very robust and well developed, physically or nervously, and who are not well adapted for child-bearing, but who still possess many excellent qualities, and they are always womanly. One may, perhaps, say that they are the pick of the women whom the average man would pass by. No doubt, this is often the reason why they are open to homosexual advances, but I do not think it is the sole reason. So far as they may be said to constitute a class, they seem to possess a genuine, though not precisely sexual, preference for women over men, and it is this coldness, rather than lack of charm, which often renders men rather indifferent to them.

The actively inverted woman usually differs from the woman of the class just mentioned in one fairly essential character: a more or less distinct trace of masculinity. She may not be, and frequently is not, what would be called a "mannish" woman, for the latter may imitate men on grounds of taste and habit unconnected with sexual perversion, while in the inverted woman the masculine traits are part of an organic instinct which she by no means always wishes to accentuate. The inverted woman's masculine element may, in the least degree, consist only in the fact that she makes advances to the woman to whom she is attracted and treats all men in a cool, direct manner, which may not exclude comradeship, but which excludes every sexual relationship, whether of passion or merely of coquetry. Usually the inverted woman feels absolute indifference toward men, and not seldom repulsion. And this feeling, as a rule, is instinctively reciprocated by men. At the same time bisexual women are at least as common as bisexual men.

HISTORY XXXIV.—Miss S., aged 38, living in a city of the United States, a business woman of fine intelligence, prominent in professional and literary circles. Her general health is good, but she belongs to a family in which there is a marked neuropathic element. She is of rather phlegmatic temperament, well poised, always perfectly calm and self-possessed, rather retiring in disposition, with gentle, dignified bearing.

She says she cannot care for men, but that all her life has been "glorified and made beautiful by friendship with women," whom she loves as a man loves women. Her character is, however, well disciplined, and her friends are not aware of the nature of her affections. She tries not to give all her love to one person, and endeavors (as she herself expresses it) to use this "gift of loving" as a stepping-stone to high mental and spiritual attainments. She is described by one who has known her for several years as "having a high nature, and instincts unerringly toward high things."

HISTORY XXXV.—Miss B., artist, of German ancestry on the paternal side. Among her brothers and sisters, one is of neurotic temperament and another is inverted. She is herself healthy. She has no repugnance to men, and would even like to try marriage, if the union were not permanent, but she has seldom felt any sexual attraction to a man. In one exceptional instance, early in life, realizing that she was not adapted for heterosexual relationships, she broke off the engagement she had formed. Much later in life, she formed a more permanent relationship with a man of congenial tastes.

She is attracted to women of various kinds, though she recognizes that there are some women to whom only men are attracted. Many years since she had a friend to whom she was very strongly attached, but the physical manifestations do not appear to have become pronounced. After that her thoughts were much occupied by several women to whom she made advances, which were not encouraged to pass beyond ordinary friendship. In one case, however, she formed an intimate relationship with a girl somewhat younger than herself, and a very feminine personality, who accepted Miss B.'s ardent love with pleasure, but in a passive manner, and did not consider that the relationship would stand in the way of her marrying, though she would on no account tell her husband. The relationship for the first time aroused Miss B.'s latent sexual emotions. She found sexual satisfaction in kissing and embracing her friend's body, but there appeared to be no orgasm. The relationship made a considerable change in her, and rendered her radiant and happy.

In her behavior toward men Miss B. reveals no sexual shyness. Men are not usually attracted to her. There is nothing striking in her appearance; her person and manners, though careless, are not conspicuously man-like. She is fond of exercise and smokes a good deal.

HISTORY XXXVI.—Miss H., aged 30. Among her paternal relatives there is a tendency to eccentricity and to nervous disease. Her grandfather drank; her father was eccentric and hypochondriacal, and suffered from obsessions. Her mother and mother's relatives are entirely healthy, and normal in disposition.

At the age of 4 she liked to see the nates of a little girl who lived near. When she was about 6, the nurse-maid, sitting in the fields, used to play with her own parts, and told her to do likewise, saying it would make a baby come; she occasionally touched herself in consequence, but without producing any effect of any kind. When she was about 8 she used to see various nurse-maids uncover their children's sexual parts and show them to each other. She used to think about this when alone, and also about whipping. She never cared to play with dolls, and in her games always took the part of a man. Her first rudimentary sex-feelings appeared at the age of 8 or 9, and were associated with dreams of whipping and being whipped, which were most vivid between the ages of 11 and 14, when they died away on the appearance of affection for girls. She menstruated at 12.

Her earliest affection, at the age of 13, was for a schoolfellow, a graceful, coquettish girl with long golden hair and blue eyes. Her affection displayed itself in performing all sorts of small services for this girl, in constantly thinking about her, and in feeling deliciously grateful for the smallest return. At the age of 14 she had a similar passion for a girl cousin; she used to look forward with ecstasy to her visits, and especially to the rare occasions when the cousin slept with her; her excitement was then so great that she could not sleep, but there was no conscious sexual excitement. At the age of 15 or 16 she fell in love with another cousin; her experiences with this girl were full of delicious sensations; if the cousin only touched her neck, a thrill went through her body which she now regards as sexual. Again, at 17, she had an overwhelming, passionate fascination for a schoolfellow, a pretty, commonplace girl, whom she idealized and etherealized to an extravagant extent. This passion was so violent that her health was, to some extent, impaired; but it was purely unselfish, and there was nothing sexual in it. On leaving school at the age of 19 she met a girl of about the same age as herself, very womanly, but not much attracted to men. This girl became very much attached to her, and sought to gain her love. After some time Miss H. was attracted by this love, partly from the sense of power it gave her, and an intimate relation grew up. This relation became vaguely physical, Miss H. taking the initiative, but her friend desiring such relations and taking extreme pleasure in them; they used to touch and kiss each other tenderly (especially on the mons veneris), with equal ardor. They each experienced a strong pleasurable feeling in doing this, and sexual erethism, but no orgasm, and it does not appear that this ever occurred. Their general behavior to each other was that of lovers, but they endeavored, as far as possible, to hide this fact from the world. This relation lasted for several years, and would have continued, had not Miss H.'s friend, from religious and moral scruples, put an end to the physical relationship. Miss H. had been very well and happy during this relationship; the interference with it seems to have exerted a disturbing influence, and also to have aroused her sexual desires, though she was still scarcely conscious of their real nature.

Soon afterward another girl of exceedingly voluptuous type made love to Miss H., to which the latter yielded, giving way to her feelings as well as to her love of domination. She was afterward ashamed of this episode, though the physical element in it had remained vague and indefinite. Her remorse was so great that when her friend, repenting her scruples, implored her to let their relationship be on the same footing as of old, Miss H., in her return, resisted every effort to restore the physical relation. She kept to this resolution for some years, and sought to divert her thoughts into intellectual channels. When she again formed an intimate relationship it was with a congenial friend, and lasted for several years.

She has never masturbated. Occasionally, but very rarely, she has had dreams of riding accompanied by pleasurable sexual emotions (she cannot recall any actual experience to suggest this, though fond of riding). She has never had any kind of sexual dreams about a man; of late years she has occasionally had erotic dreams about women.

Her feeling toward men is friendly, but she has never had sexual attraction toward a man. She likes them as good comrades, as men like each other. She enjoys the society of men on account of their intellectual attraction. She is herself very active in social and intellectual work. Her feeling toward marriage has always been one of repugnance. She can, however, imagine a man whom she could love or marry.

She is attracted to womanly women, sincere, reserved, pure, but courageous in character. She is not attracted to intellectual women, but at the same time cannot endure silly women. The physical qualities that attract her most are not so much beauty of face as a graceful, but not too slender, body with beautiful curves. The women she is drawn to are usually somewhat younger than herself. Women are much attracted to her, and without any effort on her part. She likes to take the active part and protecting role with them. She is herself energetic in character, and with a somewhat neurotic temperament.

She finds sexual satisfaction in tenderly touching, caressing, and kissing the loved one's body. (There is no cunnilinctus, which she regards with abhorrence.) She feels more tenderness than passion. There is a high degree of sexual erethism when kissing, but orgasm is rare and is produced by lying on the friend or by the friend lying on her, without any special contact. She likes being herself kissed, but not so much as taking the active part.

She believes that homosexual love is morally right when it is really part of a person's nature, and provided that the nature of homosexual love is always made plain to the object of such affection. She does not approve of it as a mere makeshift, or expression of sensuality, in normal women. She has sometimes resisted the sexual expression of her feelings, once for years at a time, but always in vain. The effect on her of loving women is distinctly good, she asserts, both spiritually and physically, while repression leads to morbidity and hysteria. She has suffered much from neurasthenia at various periods, but under appropriate treatment it has slowly diminished. The inverted instinct is too deeply rooted to eradicate, but it is well under control.

HISTORY XXXVII.—Miss M., the daughter of English parents (both musicians), who were both of what is described as "intense" temperament, and there is a neurotic element in the family, though no history of insanity or alcoholism, and she is herself free from nervous disease. At birth she was very small. In a portrait taken at the age of 4 the nose, mouth, and ears are abnormally large, and she wears a little boy's hat. As a child she did not care for dolls or for pretty clothes, and often wondered why other children found so much pleasure in them. "As far back as my memory goes," she writes, "I cannot recall a time when I was not different from other children. I felt bored when other little girls came to play with me, though I was never rough or boisterous in my sports." Sewing was distasteful to her. Still she cared little more for the pastimes of boys, and found her favorite amusement in reading, especially adventures and fairy-tales. She was always quiet, timid, and self-conscious. The instinct first made its appearance in the latter part of her eighth or the first part of her ninth year. She was strongly attracted by the face of a teacher who used to appear at a side-window on the second floor of the school-building and ring a bell to summon the children to their classes. The teacher's face seemed very beautiful, but sad, and she thought about her continually, though not coming in personal contact with, her. A year later this teacher was married and left the school, and the impression gradually faded away. "There was no consciousness of sex at this time," she wrote; "no knowledge of sexual matters or practices, and the feelings evoked were feelings of pity and compassion and tenderness for a person who seemed to be very sad and very much depressed. It is this quality or combination of qualities which has always made the appeal in my own case. I may go on for years in comparative peace, when something may happen, in spite of my busy practical life, to call it all out." The next feelings were experienced when, she was about 11 years of age. A young lady came to visit a next-door neighbor, and made so profound an impression on the child that she was ridiculed by her playmates for preferring to sit in a dark corner on the lawn—where she might watch this young lady—rather than to play games. Being a sensitive child, after this experience she was careful not to reveal her feelings to anyone. She felt instinctively that in this she was different from others. Her sense of beauty developed early, but there was always an indefinable feeling of melancholy associated with it. The twilight, a dark night when the stars shone brightly; these had a very depressing effect upon her, but possessed a strong attraction nevertheless, and pictures appealed to her. At the age of 12 she fell in love with a schoolmate, two years older than herself, who was absorbed in the boys and never suspected this affection; she wept bitterly because they could not be confirmed at the same time, but feared to appear undignified and sentimental by revealing her feelings. The face of this friend reminded her of one of Dolce's Madonnas which she loved. Later on, at the age of 16, she loved another friend very dearly and devoted herself to her care. There was a tinge of masculinity among the women of this friend's family, but it is not clear if she can be termed inverted. This was the happiest period of Miss M.'s life. Upon the death of this friend, who had long been in ill health, eight years afterward, she resolved never to let her heart go out to anyone again.

Specific physical gratification plays no part in these relationships. The physical sexual feelings began to assert themselves at puberty, but not in association with her ideal emotions. "In that connection," she writes, "I would have considered such things a sacrilege. I fought them and in a measure successfully. The practice of self-indulgence which might have become a daily habit was only occasional. Her image evoked at such times drove away such feelings, for which I felt a repugnance, much preferring the romantic ideal feelings. In this way, quite unconscious of the fact that I was at all different from, any other person, I contrived to train myself to suppress or at least to dominate my physical sensations when they arose. That is the reason why friendship and love have always seemed such holy and beautiful things to me. I have never connected the two sets of feelings. I think I am as strongly sexed as anyone, but I am able to hold a friend in my arms and experience deep comfort and peace without having even a hint of physical sexual feeling. Sexual expression may be quite necessary at certain times and right under certain conditions, but I am convinced that free expression of affection along sentimental channels will do much to minimize the necessity for it along specifically sexual channels. I have gone three months without the physical outlet. The only time I was ever on the verge of nervous prostration was after having suppressed the instinct for ten months. The other feelings, which I do not consider as sexual feelings at all, so fill my life in every department—love, literature, poetry, music, professional and philanthropic activities—that I am able to let the physical take care of itself. When the physical sensations come, it is usually when I am not thinking of a loved one at all. I could dissipate them by raising my thought to that spiritual friendship. I do not know if this was right and wise. I know it is what occurred. It seems a good thing to practise some sort of inhibition of the centers and acquire this kind of domination. One bad result, however, was that I suffered much at times from the physical sensations, and felt horribly depressed and wretched whenever they seemed to get the better of me."

"I have been able," she writes, "successfully to master the desire for a more perfect and complete expression of my feelings, and I have done so without serious detriment to my health." "I love few people," she writes again, "but in these instances when I have permitted my heart to go out to a friend I have always experienced most exalted feelings, and have been made better by them morally, mentally, and spiritually. Love is with me a religion."

With regard to her attitude toward the other sex, she writes: "I have never felt a dislike for men, but have good comrades among them. During my childhood I associated with both girls and boys, enjoying them all, but wondering why the girls cared to flirt with boys. Later in life I have had other friendships with men, some of whom cared for me, much to my regret, for, naturally, I do not care to marry."

She is a musician, and herself attributes her nature in part to artistic temperament. She is of good intelligence, and shows remarkable talent for various branches of physical science. She is about 5 feet 4 inches in height, and her features are rather large. The pelvic measurements are normal, and the external sexual organs are fairly normal in most respects, though somewhat small. At a period ten years subsequent to the date of this history, further examination, under anesthetics, by a gynecologist, showed no traces of ovary on one side. The general conformation of the body is feminine. But with arms, palms up, extended in front of her with inner sides of hands touching, she cannot bring the inner sides of forearms together, as nearly every woman can, showing that the feminine angle of arm is lost.

She is left-handed and shows a better development throughout on the left side. She is quiet and dignified, but has many boyish tricks of manner and speech which seem to be instinctive; she tries to watch herself continually, however, in order to avoid them, affecting feminine ways and feminine interests, but always being conscious of an effort in so doing.

Miss M. can see nothing wrong in her feelings; and, until, at the age of 28, she came across the translation of Krafft-Ebing's book, she had no idea "that feelings like mine were 'under the ban of society' as he puts it, or were considered unnatural and depraved." She would like to help to bring light on the subject and to lift the shadow from other lives. "I emphatically protest," she says, "against the uselessness and the inhumanity of attempts to 'cure' inverts. I am quite sure they have perfect right to live in freedom and happiness as long as they live unselfish lives. One must bear in mind that it is the soul that needs to be satisfied, and not merely the senses."

HISTORY XXXVIII.—Miss V., aged 35. Throughout early life up to adult age she was a mystery to herself, and morbidly conscious of some fundamental difference between herself and other people. There was no one she could speak to about this peculiarity. In the effort to conquer it, or to ignore it, she became a hard student and has attained success in the profession she adopted. A few years ago she came across a book on sexual inversion which proved to be a complete revelation to her of her own nature, and, by showing her that she was not an anomaly to be regarded with repulsion, brought her comfort and peace. She is willing that her experiences should be published for the sake of other women who may be suffering as in the past she has suffered.

"I am a teacher in a college for women. I am 34 years old and of medium size. Up to the age of 30 I looked much younger, and since older, than my age. Until 21 I had a strikingly child-like appearance. My physique has nothing masculine in it that I am aware of; but I am conscious that my walk is mannish, and I have very frequently been told that I do things—such as sewing,—'just like a man.' My voice is quite low but not coarse. I dislike household work, but am fond of sports, gardening, etc. When so young that I cannot remember it, I learned to whistle, a practice at which I am still expert. When a young girl, I learned to smoke, and should still enjoy it.

"Several men have been good friends of mine, but very few suitors. I scarcely ever feel at ease with a man; but women I understand and can nearly always make my friends.

"I am of Scotch-Irish descent. My father's family were respectable, prosperous, religious people; my mother's family only semi-respectable, hard livers, shrewd, but not intelligent, industrious and money-getting, but fond of drinking and carousing. There were many illegitimates among them. Both grandmothers, though of little education, were unusual women. Of my four maternal uncles, three drank heavily.

"When 43, my mother gave birth to me, the youngest of 8 children. Of those who grew to adult years, 2 seem quite normal sexually; 1 is exceedingly erratic, entirely unprincipled, has been a thief and a forger, is a probable bigamist, and has betrayed several respectable women. Aside from his having inordinate desire, I know of no sexual abnormality. Another brother, married and a father, as a boy was much given to infatuations for men. I fancy this never went beyond infatuation and of late years has not been noticeable. A third brother, single, though much courted by women on account of his good looks and personal charm, is wholly unresponsive, has no gallantry, nor was ever, to my knowledge, a suitor. He is, however, fond of the society of women, especially those older than he. He has a somewhat effeminate voice and walk. Though he has begun of late years to smoke and drink a little, these habits sit rather oddly upon him. When a child, one of his favorite make-believe games was to pretend that he was a famous woman singer. At school he was always found hanging around the older girls.

"As a child I loved to stay in the fields, refused to wear a sunbonnet, used to pretend I was a boy, climbed trees, and played ball. I liked to play with dolls, but I did not fondle them, or even make them dresses. When my hair was clipped, I was delighted and made everyone call me 'John.' I used to like to wear a man's broad-brimmed hat and make corn-cob pipes. I was very fond of my father and tried to imitate him as much as possible. Where animals were concerned, I was entirely fearless.

"I think I was not a sexually precocious child, though I seem to have always known in a dim way that there were two sexes. Very early I had a sense of shame at having my body exposed; I remember on one occasion I could not be persuaded to undress before a young girl visitor. At that time I must have been about 3. When I was 4 a neighbor who had often petted me took me on his lap and clasped my hand around his penis. Though he was interrupted in a moment, this made a lasting impression on me. I had no physical sensation nor did I have any conception of the significance of the act. Yet I had a slight feeling of repulsion, and I must have dimly felt that it was wrong, for I did not tell my mother. I was not accustomed to confide in her, for, though truthful, I was secretive.

"At the age of 5 I commenced to attend a district school. I remember that on my first day I was Greatly attracted by a little girl who wore a bright-red dress.

"My first definite knowledge of sex came in this way: I was attending Sabbath school and had become ambitious to read the Bible through. I had gotten as far as the account of the birth of Esau and Jacob, which aroused my curiosity. So I asked my mother the meaning of some word in the passage. She seemed embarrassed and evaded my question. This attitude stimulated my curiosity further, and I re-read the chapter until I understood it pretty well. Later I was further enlightened by girl playmates. I fancy I enjoyed listening to their talk and repeating what I knew on account of the mystery and secrecy with which sex subjects are surrounded rather than any sensual delight.

"I cannot recall any act of mine growing directly from sexual feeling until I was 10 years old. Several other little girls and myself two or three times exposed private parts of our bodies to each other. In one instance, at least, I was the instigator. This act gave me some pleasure, though no distinct physical sensation. One incident I recall that happened when I was about 10. A girl cousin and myself had been playing 'house' together. I do not recall what immediately led to it, but we began to address each other as boys and tried to urinate through long tubes of some sort. I also recall feeling a vague interest in this process in animals, and observing them closely in the act.

"From this time until I was about 14 I grew ruder, more boisterous and uncontrollable. Prior to this I had been a quite tractable child. When 12 I became interested in a boy in my grade at school, and tried to attract him, but failed. Once at a children's party where we were playing kissing games I tried to get him to kiss me, but he was unresponsive. I do not recall bothering myself about him after that. A year later I had a boy chum about whom my schoolmaster teased me. I thought this ridiculous. At the age of 13 I menstruated, a fact that caused me shame and anger. Gradually I grew to feel myself peculiar, why, I cannot explain. I did not seem to myself to be like other girls of my acquaintance. I adopted, as a defense, a brusque and defiant air. I spent a good deal of time playing alone in our backyard, where I made a pair of stilts, practised rope-walking, and such things. At school I felt I was not liked by the nicer girls and began to associate with girls whom I now believe were immoral, but whom I then supposed did nothing worse than talk in an obscene manner. I copied their conversation and grew more reckless and uncontrollable. The principal of the high school I was attending, I learned afterward, said I was the hardest pupil to control she had ever had. About this time I read a book where a girl was represented as saying she had a 'boy's soul in a girl's body.' The applicability of this to myself struck me at once, and I read the sentence to my mother who disgusted me by appearing shocked.

"During this period I began to fall in love,—a practice which clung to me until I was nearly 30 years old. I recall various older women with whom I became much enamored, and one man. Of these there was only one with whom I became acquainted well enough to show any affection; another was a teacher, and another was a young married woman at whom I used to gaze ardently during an entire church service. Toward all my women teachers I had a somewhat sentimental attitude. They stimulated me, while the men gave me a wholly impersonal feeling. This abnormal sentimentality may have been caused, or at least was increased, by the reading of novels, some of a highly voluptuous nature. I began to read novels at 7, and from 11 to 14 I absorbed a great many undesirable ones. This lead to my picturing my future with a lover, fancying myself in romantic scenes and being caressed and embraced. I had always supposed I should marry. When about 5 I decided that when I grew up I would marry a certain young man who used to come to our house. Several years later he married, to my real disappointment. I had no affection for him, but merely thought he would make a desirable husband.

"During my unhappy adolescence I heard that a former playmate was going to visit at my home. I began to look forward to the visit with much eagerness and at her arrival was much excited. I wished to stay alone with her and to caress her, and when we slept together I pressed my body against her in a sensual manner, which act she permitted, but without passion. I was greatly excited and could scarcely sleep. This was the first time I had acted in such a way, and after she left I felt shame and dislike for her. At future meetings there was never the least sensuality; we never referred to the first visit and are still friends, though not intimate.

"A diary which I kept during my fourteenth and fifteenth years is filled with romantic sentiments and endearing terms applied successively to three girls of my own age. I had but a speaking acquaintance with them, but I was strongly infatuated with all. One boy was also the object of adoration.

"During my thirteenth year I became for a time very religious and devoted to religious exercises. This passed and by my fourteenth year I had become heretical, but was still keenly sensitive to religious influences.

"When barely 16 I slept one night with a woman of low morals. She acted toward me in a sensual manner and aroused my sexual feelings. I felt at the time that this was a sin, but I was carried away by passion. Afterward I hated this woman and despised myself.

"I then went away to a co-educational boarding school. Here for the first time I became happy. A girl of my own age, of fine character and noticeable refinement, fell in love with me and caused me to reciprocate. On retrospection I believe this to have been a genuine and beautiful love on both sides. After a few months, however, our relation, at my initiative and against my friend's will, became a physical one. We expressed our affection by mutual caresses, close embraces and lying on each other's bodies. I sometimes touched her sexual organs sensually. All this contact gave me exquisite thrills. After three years we had a misunderstanding and separated. I was greatly grieved and troubled for many years, and came to regret greatly the physical relationship that had existed between us. My friend at length fell in love and married. I had several other slighter infatuations for women, was courted by several men to whom I remained cold and bored except in one instance, where I was somewhat touched, and finally found a lasting friendship with a woman who had fallen deeply in love with me in her school days and had never been able to care for any one else. She is a woman of considerable literary talent and of good general ability and high ideals. She is usually much liked by men. Her love for me is the most real thing in the world for me, and seems the most permanent. At first my feeling for her was almost purely physical, although there were no sexual relations. I hated this feeling and have succeeded in overcoming it pretty largely. At times after long separations we have embraced with great passion, at least on my part. This has always had a bad physical effect on me. At present, however, it very rarely occurs. We both consider sexual feelings degrading and deleterious to real love. Whether at any time we have had complete physical satisfaction or gratification, I hardly know. I have experienced very keen physical pleasure, mingled with what I took to be great mental exaltation and quickening of the emotions. This condition was brought about by close contact with the body of my friend, usually by lying upon it. But if by 'gratification' it is meant that desire, having been completely satisfied, ceases temporarily, I think I have never had that experience. If I did, it was when I was about 18 when I lived with a girl friend in intimate relations. Of late years, at any rate, it has never happened to me, and an embrace, however close, always leaves me with a desire for a closer union, both physical and spiritual. So a few years since, I came to the conclusion that it was impossible to obtain physical satisfaction through the woman I loved. I came to this conclusion because of the bad physical effects of contact. My sexual organs became highly sensitive and inflamed and I suffered pain from the inflammation and resulting leucorrhea. Should I allow myself to indulge in caresses this condition would return. My friend, fortunately, though very affectionate and demonstrative toward me, has very little sexual passion. The idea that our relationship is based upon it is very repugnant to her. I was at one time, a few years since, much discouraged and almost hopeless of being able to overcome my appetite, and I decided that we could not associate unless I succeeded. At present, with help, I have very largely succeeded in living with my friend on a basis of normal, though affectionate and tender, companionship. I have been helped more, and have learned more, through this companionship, than through anything else. The keen pleasure that I have felt when in responsive contact I never experienced in masturbation. So far as I remember it never took place till I was well along in my 'teens and was never an habitual practice, except the first summer I was separated from a school friend whom I loved. Thoughts of her aroused feelings which I attempted to satisfy in this way, but the entire sensuality of the act soon led me to refrain and to see that that was not what I wanted.

"A peculiar incident that might have some significance occurred to me about five years ago. I was sitting in a small room where a seminar was being conducted. The leader of the discussion was a man about 50, whom I looked up to on account of his attainments and respected as a man, though I knew him socially very slightly. I had lost a night's sleep from toothache and was feeling nervous. I was giving my entire attention to the subject in hand, when suddenly I felt a very strong physical compulsion toward that man. I did not know what I was going to do, but I felt on the point of losing all control of myself. I was afraid to leave, for fear the slightest movement would throw me into a panic. The attraction was entirely physical and like nothing I had felt before. And I had a strange feeling that its cause was in the man himself; that he was willing it; I was like a spectator. It was some moments before the assemblage broke up, when my 'possession' completely disappeared and never recurred.

"Regarding dreams, I will say that not until the past year or two have I been conscious of having clear-cut dreams with definite happenings. They seemed usually to leave only vague impressions, such as a feeling that I had been riding horseback, or trying to perform some hard task. Sexual dreams I do not recall having had for several years, except that occasionally I am awakened by a feeling of uncomfortable sexual desire, which seems usually caused by a need to urinate. Between the ages of 17 and 22, approximately, I frequently, perhaps several times a month, would have vague sexual dreams. These always, I think, occurred when I happened to be sleeping with someone whom, in my dream, I would mistake for my intimate friend, and would awaken myself by embracing my bedfellow with sometimes a slight, sometimes considerable degree of passion. I have finally arrived at some understanding of my own temperament, and am no longer miserable and melancholy. I regret that I am not a man, because I could then have a home and children."

HISTORY XXXIX.—Miss D., actively engaged in the practice of her profession, aged 40. Heredity good, nervous system sound, general health on the whole satisfactory. Development feminine but manner and movements somewhat boyish. Menstruation scanty and painless. Hips normal, nates small, sexual organs showing some approximation toward infantile type with large labia minora and probably small vagina. Tendency to development of hair on body and especially lower limbs. The narrative is given in her own words:—

"Ever since I can remember anything at all I could never think of myself as a girl and I was in perpetual trouble, with this as the real reason. When I was 5 or 6 years old I began to say to myself that, whatever anyone said, if I was not a boy at any rate I was not a girl. This has been my unchanged conviction all through my life.

"When I was little, nothing ever made me doubt it, in spite of external appearance. I regarded the conformation of my body as a mysterious accident. I could not see why it should have anything to do with the matter. The things that really affected the question were my own likes and dislikes, and the fact that I was not allowed to follow them. I was to like the things which belonged to me as a girl,—frocks and toys and games which I did not like at all. I fancy I was more strongly 'boyish' than the ordinary little boy. When I could only crawl my absorbing interest was hammers and carpet-nails. Before I could walk I begged to be put on horses' backs, so that I seem to have been born with the love of tools and animals which has never left me.

"I did not play with dolls, though my little sister did. I was often reproached for not playing her games. I always chose boys' toys,—tops and guns and horses; I hated being kept indoors and was always longing to go out. By the time I was 7 it seemed to me that everything I liked was called wrong for a girl. I left off telling my elders what I did like. They confused and wearied me by their talk of boys and girls. I did not believe them and could hardly imagine that they believed themselves. By the time I was 8 or 9 I used to wonder whether they were dupes, or liars, or hypocrites, or all three. I never believed or trusted a grown person in consequence. I led my younger brothers in everything. I was not at all a happy little child and often cried and was made irritable; I was so confused by the talk, about boys and girls. I was held up as an evil example to other little girls who virtuously despised me.

"When I was about 9 years old I went to a day school and began to have a better time. From 9 to 13 I practically shaped my own life. I learned very little at school, and openly hated it, but I read a great deal at home and got plenty of ideas. I lived, however, mainly out of doors whenever I could get out. I spent all my pocket money on tools, rabbits, pigeons and many other animals. I became an ardent pigeon-catcher, not to say thief, though I did not knowingly steal.

"My brothers were as devoted to the animals as I was. The men were supposed to look after them, but we alone did so. We observed, mated, separated, and bred them with considerable skill. We had no language to express ourselves, but one of our own. We were absolutely innocent, and sweetly sympathetic with every beast. I don't think we ever connected their affairs with those of human beings, but as I do not remember the time when I did not know all about the actual facts of sex and reproduction, I presume I learned it all in that way, and life never had any surprises for me in that direction. Though I saw many sights that a child should not have seen, while running about wild, I never gave them a thought; all animals great and small from rabbits to men had the same customs, all natural and right. My initiation here was, in my eyes, as nearly perfect as a child's should be. I never asked grown people questions. I thought all those in charge of me coarse and untruthful and I disliked all ugly things and suggestions.

"Every half-holiday I went out with the boys from my brothers' school. They always liked me to play with them, and, though not pleasant-tongued boys, were always civil and polite to me. I organized games and fortifications that they would never have imagined for themselves, led storming parties, and instituted some rather dangerous games of a fighting kind. I taught my brothers; to throw stones. Sometimes I led adventures such as breaking into empty houses. I liked being out after dark.

"In the winter I made and rigged boats and went sailing them, and I went rafting and pole-leaping. I became a very good jumper and climber, could go up a rope, bowl overhand, throw like a boy, and whistle three different ways. I collected beetles and butterflies and went shrimping and learned to fish. I had very little money to spend, but I picked things up and I made all traps, nets, cages, etc., myself. I learned from every working-man, I could get hold of the use of all ordinary carpenters' tools, and how to weld hot iron, pave, lay bricks and turf, and so on.

"When I was about 11 my parents got more mortified at my behavior and perpetually threatened me with a boarding-school. I was told for months how it would take the nonsense out of me—'shape me,' 'turn me into a young lady.' My going was finally announced to me as a punishment to me for being what I was.

"Certainly, the horror of going to this school and the cruel and unsympathetic way that I was sent there gave me a shock that I never got over. The only thing that reconciled me to going was my intense indignation with those who sent me. I appealed to be allowed to learn Latin and boys' subjects, but was laughed at.

"I was so helpless that I knew I could not run away without being caught, or I would have run away anywhere from home and school. I never cried or fretted, but burnt with anger and went like a trapped rabbit.

"In no words can I describe the severity of the nervous shock, or the suffering of my first year at school. The school was noted for its severity and I heard that at one period the elder girls ran away so often that they wore a uniform dress. I knew two who had run away. The teachers in my time were ignorant, self-indulgent women who cared nothing for the girls or their education and made much money out of them. There was a suspicious reformatory atmosphere, and my money was taken from me and my letters read.

"I was intensely shy. I hated the other girls. There were no refinements anywhere; I had no privacy in my room, which was always overcrowded; we had no hot water, no baths, improper food, and no education. We were not allowed to wear enough clean linen, and for five years I never felt clean.

"I never had one moment to myself, was not allowed to read anything, had even not enough lesson books, was taught nothing to speak of except a little inferior music and drawing. I never got enough exercise, and was always tired and dull, and could not keep my digestion in order. My pride and self-respect were degraded in innumerable ways, I suffered agonies of disgust, and the whole thing was a dreary penal servitude.

"I did not complain. I made friends with a few of the girls. Some of the older girls were attracted to me. Some talked of men and love affairs to me, but I was not greatly interested. No one ever spoke of any other matters of sex to me or in my hearing, but most of the girls were shy with me and I with them.

"In about two years' time the teachers got to like me and thought me one of their nicest girls. I certainly influenced them and got them to allow the girls more privileges.

"I lay great stress upon the physical privations and disgust that I felt during these years. The mental starvation was not quite so great because it was impossible for them to crush my mind as they did my body. That it all materially aided to arrest the development of my body I am certain.

"It is difficult to estimate sexual influences of which as a child I was practically unaware. I certainly admired the liveliest and cleverest girls and made friends with them and disliked the common, lumpy, uneducated type that made two-thirds of my companions. The lively girls liked me, and I made several nice friends whom I have kept ever since. One girl of about 15 took a violent liking for me and figuratively speaking licked the dust from my shoes. I would never take any notice of her. When I was nearly 16 one of my teachers began to notice me and be very kind to me. She was twenty years older than I was. She seemed to pity my loneliness and took me out for walks and sketching, and encouraged me to talk and think. It was the first time in my life that anyone had ever sympathized with me or tried to understand me and it was a most beautiful thing to me. I felt like an orphan child who had suddenly acquired a mother, and through her I began to feel less antagonistic to grown people and to feel the first respect I had ever felt for what they said. She petted me into a state of comparative docility and made the other teachers like and trust me. My love for her was perfectly pure, and I thought of her's as simply maternal. She never roused the least feeling in me that I can think of as sexual. I liked her to touch me and she sometimes held me in her arms or let me sit on her lap. At bedtime she used to come and say good-night and kiss me upon the mouth. I think now that what she did was injudicious to a degree, and I wish I could believe it was as purely unselfish and kind as it seemed to me then. After I had left school I wrote to her and visited her during a few years. Once she wrote to me that if I could give her employment she would come and live with me. Once when she was ill with neurasthenia her friends asked me to go to the seaside with her, which I did. Here she behaved in an extraordinary way, becoming violently jealous over me with another elderly friend of mine who was there. I could hardly believe my senses and was so astonished and disgusted that I never went near her again. She also accused me of not being 'loyal' to her; to this day I have no idea what she meant. She then wrote and asked me what was wrong between us, and I replied that after the words she had had with me my confidence in her was at an end. It gave me no particular pang as I had by this time outgrown the simple gratitude of my childish days and not replaced it by any stronger feeling. All my life I have had the profoundest repugnance to having any 'words' with other women.

"I was much less interested in sex matters than other children of my age. I was altogether less precocious, though I knew more, I imagine, than other girls. Nevertheless, by the time I was 15 social matters had begun to interest me greatly. It is difficult to say how this happened, as I was forbidden all books and newspapers (except in my holidays when I had generally a reading orgy, though not the books I needed or wanted). I had abundant opportunities for speculation, but no materials for any profitable thinking.

"Dreaming was forced upon me. I dreamed fairy-tales by night and social dreams by day. In the nightdreams, sometimes in the day-dreams, I was always the prince or the pirate, rescuing beauty in distress, or killing the unworthy. I had one dream which I dreamed over and over again and enjoyed and still sometimes dream. In this I was always hunting and fighting, often in the dark; there was usually a woman or a princess, whom I admired, somewhere in the background, but I have never really seen her. Sometimes I was a stowaway on board ship or an Indian hunter or a backwoodsman making a log-cabin for my wife or rather some companion. My daythoughts were not about the women round about me, or even about the one who was so kind to me; they were almost impersonal. I went on, at any rate, from myself to what I thought the really ideal and built up a very beautiful vision of solid human friendship in which there was everything that was strong and wholesome on either side, but very little of sex. To imagine this in its fullness I had to imagine all social, family, and educational conditions vastly different from anything I had come across. From this my thoughts ran largely on social matters. In whatever direction my thoughts ran I always surveyed them from the point of view of a boy. I was trying to wait patiently till I could escape from slavery and starvation, and trying to keep the open mind I have spoken of, though I never opened a book of poetry, or a novel, or a history, but I slipped naturally back into my non-girl's attitude and read it through my own eyes. All my surface-life was a sham, and only through books, which were few, did I ever see the world naturally. A consideration of social matters led me to feel very sorry for women, whom I regarded as made by a deliberate process of manufacture into the fools I thought they were, and by the same process that I myself was being made one. I felt more and more that men were to be envied and women pitied. I lay stress on this for it started in me a deliberate interest in women as women. I began to feel protective and kindly toward women and children and to excuse women from their responsibility for calamities such as my school-career. I never imagined that men required, or would have thanked me for, any sort of sympathy. But it came about in these ways, and without the least help that I can trace, that by the time I was 19 years of age I was keenly interested in all kinds of questions: pity for downtrodden women, suffrage questions, marriage laws, questions of liberty, freedom of thought, care of the poor, views of Nature and Man and God. All these things filled my mind to the exclusion of individual men and women. As soon as I left school I made a headlong plunge into books where these things were treated; I had the answers to everything to find after a long period of enforced starvation. I had to work for my knowledge. No books or ideas came near me but what I went in search of. Another thing that helped me to take an expansive view of life at this time was my intense love of Nature. All birds and animals affected me by their beauty and grace, and I have always kept a profound sympathy with them as well as some subtle understanding which enables me to tame them, at times remarkably. I not only loved all other creatures, but I believed that men and women were the most beautiful things in the universe and I would rather look at them (unclothed) than on any other thing, as my greatest pleasure. I was prepared to like them because they were beautiful. When the time came for me to leave school I rather dreaded it, chiefly because I dreaded my life at home. I had a great longing at this time to run away and try my fortune anywhere; possibly if I had been stronger I might have done so. But I was in very poor health through the physical crushing I had had, and in very poor spirits through this and my mental repression. I still knew myself a prisoner and I was bitterly disappointed and ashamed at having no education. I afterward had myself taught arithmetic and other things.

"The next period of my life which covered about six years was not less important to my development, and was a time of extreme misery to me. It found me, on leaving school, almost a child. This time between 18 and 24 should, I think, count as my proper period of puberty, which probably in most children occupies the end years of their school-life.

"It was at this time that I began to make a good many friends of my own and to become aware of psychical and sexual attractions. I had never come across any theories on the subject, but I decided that I must belong to a third sex of some kind. I used to wonder if I was like the neuter bees! I knew physical and psychical sex feeling and yet I seemed to know it quite otherwise from other men and women. I asked myself if I could endure living a woman's life, bearing children and doing my duty by them. I asked myself what hiatus there could be between my bodily structure and my feelings, and also what was the meaning of the strong physical feelings which had me in their grip without choice of my own. [Experience of physical sex sensations first began about 16 in sleep; masturbation was accidentally discovered at the age of 19, abandoned at 28, and then at 34 deliberately resumed as a method of purely physical relief.] These three things simply would not be reconciled and I said to myself that I must find a way of living in which there was as little sex of any kind as possible. There was something that I simply lacked; that I never doubted. Curiously enough, I thought that the ultimate explanation might be that there were men's minds in women's bodies, but I was more concerned in finding a way of life than in asking riddles without answers.

"I thought that one day when I had money and opportunity I would dress in men's clothes and go to another country, in order that I might be unhampered by sex considerations and conventions. I determined to live an honorable, upright, but simple life.

"I had no idea at first that homosexual attractions in women existed; afterward observations on the lower animals put the idea into my head. I made no preparation in my mind for any sexual life, though I thought it would be a dreary business repressing my body all my days.

"My relations with other women were entirely pure. My attitude toward my sexual physical feelings was one of reserve and repression, and I think the growing conviction of my radical deficiency somewhere, would have made intimate affection for anyone, with any demonstration in it, a kind of impropriety for which I had no taste.

"However, between 21 and 24 other things happened to me.

"During these few years I saw plenty of men and plenty of women. As regards the men I liked them very well, but I never thought the man would turn up with whom I should care to live. Several men were very friendly with me and three in particular used to write me letters and give me much of their confidence. I invited two of them to visit at my house. All these men talked to me with freedom and even told me about their sexual ideas and doings. One asked me to believe that he was leading a good life; the other two owned that they were not. One discussed the question of homosexuality with me; he has never married. I liked one of them a good deal, being attracted by his softness and gentleness and almost feminine voice. It was hoped that I would take to him and he very cautiously made love to me. I allowed him to kiss me a few times and wrote him a few responsive letters, wondering what I liked in him. Someone then commented on the acquaintance and said 'marriage,' and I woke up to the fact that I did not really want him at all. I think he found the friendship too insipid and was glad to be out of it. All these men were a trifle feminine in characteristics, and two played no games. I thought it odd that they should all express admiration for the very boyish qualities in me that other people disliked. A fourth man, something of the same type, told another friend that he always felt surprised at how freely he was able to talk to me, but that he never could feel that I was a woman. Two of these were brilliantly clever men; two were artists.

"At the same period, or earlier, I made a number of women friends, and of course saw more of them. I chose out some and some chose me; I think I attracted them as much as, or even more than, they attracted me. I do not quite remember if this was so, though I can say for certain that it was so at school. There were three or four bright, clever, young women whom I got to know then with whom I was great friends. We were interested in books, social theories, politics, art. Sometimes I visited them or we went on exploring expeditions to many country places or towns. They all in the end either had love affairs or married. I know that in spite of all our free conversations they never talked to me as they did to each other; we were always a little shy with each other. But I got very fond of at least four of them. I admired them and when I was tired and worried I often thought how easily, if I had been a man, I could have married and settled down with one or the other. I used to think it would be delightful to have a woman to work for and take care of. My attraction to these women was very strong, but I don't think they knew it. I seldom even kissed them, but I should often have cheerfully given them a good hugging and kissing if I had thought it a right or proper thing to do. I never wanted them to kiss me half so much as I wanted to kiss them. In these years I felt this with every woman I admired.

"Occasionally, I experienced slight erections when close to other women. I am sure that no deliberate thought of mine caused them, and as I had them at other times too, when I was not expecting them, I think it may have been accidental. What I felt with my mind and what I felt with my body always at this time seemed apart. I cannot accurately describe the interest and attraction that women then were to me. I only know I never felt anything like it for men. All my feelings of desire to do kindnesses, to give presents, to be liked and respected and all such natural small matters, referred to women, not to men, and at this time, both openly and to myself, I said unhesitatingly that I liked women best. It must be remembered that at this time a dislike for men was being fostered in me by those who wanted me to marry, and this must have counted for more than I now remember.

"As regards my physical sexual feelings, which were well established during these few years, I don't think I often indulged in any erotic imaginations worth estimating, but so far as I did at all, I always imagined myself as a man loving a woman. I cannot recall ever imagining the opposite, but I seldom imagined anything at all, and I suppose ultimate sex sensations know no sex.

"But as time went on and my physical and psychical feelings met, at any rate in my own mind, I became fully aware of the meaning of love and even, of homosexual possibilities.

"I should probably have thought more of this side of things except that during this time I was so worried by the difficulty of living in my home under the perpetual friction of comparison with other people. My life was a sham; I was an actor never off the boards. I had to play at being a something I was not front morning till night, and I had no cessation of the long fatigue I had had at school; in addition I had sex to deal with actively and consciously.

"Looking back on these twenty-four years of my life I only look back on a round of misery. The nervous strain was enormous and so was the moral strain. Instead of a child I felt myself, whenever I desired to please anyone else, a performing monkey. My pleasures were stolen or I was snubbed for taking them. I was not taught and was called a fool. My hand was against everybody's. How it was that with my high spirits and vivid imagination I did not grow up a moral imbecile full of perverted instincts I do not know. I describe myself as a docile child, but I was full of temptations to be otherwise. There were times when I was silent before people, but if I had had a knife in my hand I could have stuck it into them. If it had been desired to make me a thoroughly perverted being I can imagine no better way than the attempt to mould me by force into a particular pattern of girl.

"Looking at my instincts in my first childhood and my mental confusion over myself, I do not believe the most sympathetic and scientific treatment would have turned me into an average girl, but I see no reason why proper physical conditions should not have induced a better physical development and that in its turn have led to tastes more approximate to those of the normal woman. That I do not even now desire to be a normal woman is not to the point.

"Instead of any such help, I suffered during the time that should have been puberty from a profound mental and physical shock which was extended over several years, and in addition I suffered from the outrage of every fine and wholesome feeling I had. These things by checking my physical development gave, I am perfectly convinced, a traumatic impetus to my general abnormality, and this was further kept up by demanding of me (at the dawn of my real sexual activity, and when still practically a child) an interest in men and marriage which I was no more capable of feeling than any ordinary boy or girl of 15. If you had taken a boy of 13 and given him all my conditions, bound him hand and foot, when you became afraid of him petted him into docility, and then placed him in the world and, while urging normal sexuality upon him on the one hand, made him disgusted with it on the other, what would have been the probable result?

"Looking back, I can only say I think, the results in my own case were marvellously good, and that I was saved from worse by my own innocence and by the physical backwardness which nature, probably in mercy, bestowed upon me.

"I find it difficult to sum up the way in which I affect other women and they me. I can only record my conviction that I do affect a large number, whether abnormally or not I don't know, but I attract them and it would be easy for some of them to become very fond of me if I gave them a chance. They are also, I am certain, more shy with me than they are with other women.

"I find it difficult also to sum up their effect on me. I only know that some women attract me and some tempt me physically, and have done ever since I was about 22 or 23. I know that psychically I have always been more interested in women than in men, but have not considered them the best companions or confidants. I feel protective towards them, never feel jealous of them, and hate having differences with them. And I feel always that I am not one of them. If there had been any period in my life when health, and temptation and money and opportunity had made homosexual relations easy I cannot say how I should have resisted. I think that I have never had any such relations simply because I have in a way been safeguarded from them. For a long time I thought I must do without all actual sexual relations and acted up to that. If I had thought any relations right and possible I think I should have striven for heterosexual experiences because of the respect that I had cultivated, indeed I think always had, for the normal and natural. If I had thought it right to indulge any sort of gratification which was within my reach I think I might probably have chosen the homosexual as being perhaps more satisfying and more convenient. I always wanted love and friendship first; later I should have been glad of something to satisfy my sex hunger too, but by that time I could have done without it, or I thought so."

At a period rather later than that dealt with in this narrative, the subject of it became strongly attracted to a man who was of somewhat feminine and abnormal disposition. But on consideration she decided that it would not be wise to marry him.

The commonest characteristic of the sexually inverted woman is a certain degree of masculinity or boyishness. As I have already pointed out, transvestism in either women or men by no means necessarily involves inversion. In the volume of Women Adventurers, edited by Mrs. Norman for the Adventure Series, there is no trace of inversion; in most of these cases, indeed, love for a man was precisely the motive for adopting male garments and manners. Again, Colley Cibber's daughter, Charlotte Charke, a boyish and vivacious woman, who spent much of her life in men's clothes, and ultimately wrote a lively volume of memoirs, appears never to have been attracted to women, though women were often attracted to her, believing her to be a man; it is, indeed, noteworthy that women seem, with special frequency, to fall in love with disguised persons of their own sex.[166] There is, however, a very pronounced tendency among sexually inverted women to adopt male attire when practicable. In such cases male garments are not usually regarded as desirable chiefly on account of practical convenience, nor even in order to make an impression on other women, but because the wearer feels more at home in them. Thus, Moll mentions the case of a young governess of 16 who, while still unconscious of her sexual perversion, used to find pleasure, when everyone was out of the house, in putting on the clothes of a youth belonging to the family.

Cases have been recorded of inverted women who spent the greater part of their lives in men's clothing and been generally regarded as men. I may cite the case of Lucy Ann Slater, alias the Rev. Joseph Lobdell, recorded by Wise (Alienist and Neurologist, 1883). She was masculine in character, features, and attire. In early life she married and had a child, but had no affection for her husband, who eventually left her. As usual in such cases, her masculine habits appeared in early childhood. She was expert with the rifle, lived the life of a trapper and hunter among the Indians, and was known as the "Female Hunter of Long Eddy." She published a book regarding those experiences. I have not been able to see it, but it is said to be quaint and well written. She regarded herself as practically a man, and became attached to a young woman of good education, who had also been deserted by her husband. The affection was strong and emotional, and, of course, without deception. It was interrupted by her recognition and imprisonment as a vagabond, but on the petition of her "wife" she was released. "I may be a woman in one sense," she said, "but I have peculiar organs which make me more a man than a woman." She alluded to an enlarged clitoris which she could erect, she said, as a turtle protrudes its head, but there was no question of its use in coitus. She was ultimately brought to the asylum with paroxysmal attacks of exaltation and erotomania (without self-abuse apparently) and corresponding periods of depression, and she died with progressive dementia. I may also mention the case (briefly recorded in the Lancet, February 22, 1884) of a person called John Coulter, who was employed for twelve years as a laborer by the Belfast Harbor Commissioners. When death resulted from injuries caused in falling down stairs, it was found that this person was a woman. She was fifty years of age, and had apparently spent the greater part of her life as a man. When employed in early life as a manservant on a farm, she had married her mistress's daughter. The pair were married for twenty-nine years, but during the last six years lived apart, owing to the "husband's" dissipated habits. No one ever suspected her sex. She was of masculine appearance and good muscular development. The "wife" took charge of the body and buried it.

A more recent case of the same kind is that of "Murray Hall," who died in New York in 1901. Her real name was Mary Anderson, and she was born at Govan, in Scotland. Early left an orphan, on the death of her only brother she put on his clothes and went to Edinburgh, working as a man. Her secret was discovered during an illness, and she finally went to America, where she lived as a man for thirty years, making money, and becoming somewhat notorious as a Tammany politician, a rather riotous "man about town." The secret was not discovered till her death, when it was a complete revelation, even to her adopted daughter. She married twice; the first marriage ended in separation, but the second marriage seemed to have been happy, for it lasted twenty years, when the "wife" died. She associated much with pretty girls, and was very jealous of them. She seems to have been slight and not very masculine in general build, with a squeaky voice, but her ways, attitude, and habits were all essentially masculine. She associated with politicians, drank somewhat to excess, though not heavily, swore a great deal, smoked and chewed tobacco, sang ribald songs; could run, dance, and fight like a man, and had divested herself of every trace of feminine daintiness. She wore clothes that were always rather too large in order to hide her form, baggy trousers, and an overcoat even in summer. She is said to have died of cancer of the breast. (I quote from an account, which appears to be reliable, contained in the Weekly Scotsman, February 9, 1901.)

Another case, described in the London papers, is that of Catharine Coome, who for forty years successfully personated a man and adopted masculine habits generally. She married a lady's maid, with whom she lived for fourteen years. Having latterly adopted a life of fraud, her case gained publicity as that of the "man-woman."

In 1901 the death on board ship was recorded of Miss Caroline Hall, of Boston, a water-color painter who had long resided in Milan. Three years previously she discarded female dress and lived as "husband" to a young Italian lady, also an artist, whom she had already known for seven years. She called herself "Mr. Hall" and appeared to be a thoroughly normal young man, able to shoot with a rifle and fond of manly sports. The officers of the ship stated that she smoked and drank heartily, joked with the other male passengers, and was hail-fellow-well-met with everyone. Death was due to advanced tuberculosis of the lungs, hastened by excessive drinking and smoking.

Ellen Glenn, alias Ellis Glenn, a notorious swindler, who came prominently before the public in Chicago during 1905, was another "man-woman," of large and masculine type. She preferred to dress as a man and had many love escapades with women. "She can fiddle as well as anyone in the State," said a man who knew her, "can box like a pugilist, and can dance and play cards."

In Seville, a few years ago, an elderly policeman, who had been in attendance on successive governors of that city for thirty years, was badly injured in a street accident. He was taken to the hospital and the doctor there discovered that the "policeman" was a woman. She went by the name of Fernando Mackenzie and during the whole of her long service no suspicion whatever was aroused as to her sex. She was French by birth, born in Paris in 1836, but her father was English and her mother Spanish. She assumed her male disguise when she was a girl and served her time in the French army, then emigrated to Spain, at the age of 35, and contrived to enter the Madrid police force disguised as a man. She married there and pretended that her wife's child was her own son. She removed to Seville, still serving as a policeman, and was engaged there as cook and orderly at the governor's palace. She served seven successive governors. In consequence of the discovery of her sex she has been discharged from the police without the pension due to her; her wife had died two years previously, and "Fernando" spent all she possessed on the woman's funeral. Mackenzie had a soft voice, a refined face with delicate features, and was neatly dressed in male attire. When asked how she escaped detection so long, she replied that she always lived quietly in her own house with her wife and did her duty by her employers so that no one meddled with her.