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By this ye may se, that the greatyst crakers somtyme, whan it commeth to the profe, be moste cowardes.
+ Of the fole that saide he had leuer go to hell than to heuen. xlii.
+ A fole there was, that dwelled with a gentylman in the countrey, whiche was called a great tyraunte and an extorcyoner. But this fole loued his mayster meruaylously, because he cherysshed hym so well. It happened * *
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to heuen; for I had leuer go to hell. Than the other asked hym why he had leuer go to hell. By my trouthe, quod the fole: for I wyll go with my master; and I am sure my master shall go to hell. For euery man seyth he shall go to the deuyll in hell; and therfore I wyll go thyder with hym.
+ Of the plowmannys sonne that sayde he sawe one make a gose to creke sweetly. xliii.
+ There was a certayn plowmans son of the contrey of the age of xvi yeres, that neuer coming moche amonge company but alway went to plough and husbandry. On a tyme this yonge lad went to a weddyng with his fader, where he se one lute[78] vpon a lute; and whan he came home at nyght his moder asked hym, what sporte he had at weddynge. This lad answeryd and sayd: by my trouth, moder, quod he, there was one that brought a gose in his armes and tykled her so vpon the neck, that she crekyd the sweetlyest that I hard gose creke in my lyfe.
+ Of the maydes answere that was with chylde. xliv.
+ At a merchauntes house in London there was a mayde whiche was great with chylde, to whom the maystres of the house cam, and comaunded[79] her to tell her who was the fader of the chylde. To whom the mayde answered: forsooth, nobody. Why, quod the maystres, it is not possyble but som man is the fader thereof? To whom the mayd answered: why, maystres, why may I not haue a chyld without a man as well as hennys lay eggys withhout a cocke?
By this ye may se it is harde to fynde a woman wythout an excuse.
FOOTNOTES:
[78] Lute, as a verb, appears to be obsolete. We still say to fiddle, and no doubt to lute was formerly just as much in use.
[79] Orig. reads and that commanded.
+ Of the seruaunt that rymyd with hys mayster. xlv.
+ A gentleman there was dwellynge nygh Kyngston upon Tamys, and rydynge in the contrey with his seruaunt which was not the quyckest felowe, but rode alway sadly[80] by his maysters side and uttered uery fewe wordys. Hys mayster sayd to him: wherefore rydyst thou so saddly? I wolde have the tell me some tale to beguyle the tyme with. By my trouthe, mayster, quod he, I can tell no tale. Then sayd his mayster: canst thou not synge? No by my trouthe, quod he, I coulde neuer synge in all my lyfe. Quod the mayster: canst thou ryme? No, by my trouthe, quod he, I can not; but yf ye wyll begyn to ryme, I wyll folow as well as I can. By my trouth, quod the mayster, that is well; therfore I wyll begyn to make a ryme. Let me se how well thou canst folowe thy mayster meanwhyle; and then [he] began to ryme thus:—
"Many mennys swannys swymme in Temmys, And so do myne."
Then quod the seruant:—
"And many a man lyeth by other mennys wyues, And so do I by thyne."[81]
What dost thou, horeson, quod the mayster? By my trouthe, mayster, no thynge, quod he, but make vp the ryme. But quod the mayster: I charge the tell me why thou sayest so? Forsothe Mayster, quod he, for nothynge in the worlde but to make vp your ryme. Than quod the mayster: yf thou doist for nothynge ellys, I am content. So the mayster forgaue hym hys saynge, all thoughe he sayd trouthe peraduenture.
FOOTNOTES:
[80] Quietly.
+ Of the Welcheman that delyuered the letter to the ape. xlvi.
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fauoure to his seruant and commaunded his seruant shortely to brynge hym an answere. This Welcheman came to the chefe Iustyce' place, and at the gate saw an ape syttynge there in a cote made for hym, as they use to apparell apes for disporte. This Welchman dyd of hys cappe, and made curtsye to the ape and sayd: my mayster recommendeth hym to my lorde youre father, and sendeth hym here a letter. This ape toke this letter and opened it, and lokyd theron, and after lokyd vpon the man, makynge many mockes and moyes, as the propertyes of apes is to do. This Welcheman, because he vnderstood hym nat, came agayne to his mayster accordynge to his commaundes, and tolde hym he delyuered the letter vnto my lorde chefe Iustyce' sonne, who was at the gate in a furred cote. Anone his mayster asked hym what answere he broughte. The man sayd he gaue hym an answere; but it was other Frenche or Laten: for he understode him nat. But, syr, quod he, ye nede nat to fere: for I saw in his countenaunce so moche, that I warrante you he wyll do your errande to my lorde his father. This gentylman in truste therof made not anye further suite, for lacke wherof his seruaunte, that had done the felonye, within a monthe after was rayned at the kynges benche and caste, and afterwarde hanged.
By this ye may se that euery wyse man ought to take hede, that he sende nat a folysshe seruaunte vpon a hasty message that is a matter of nede.
FOOTNOTES:
[81] This, to save space, is printed like prose in the orig.; but it was evidently meant to be verse.
+ Of hym that solde ryght nought. xlvii.
+ A certaine felowe there was whiche profered a dagger to sell to a fellowe, the which answered hym and sayd, that he had ryght nought to giue therfore; wherefore the other sayde that he shulde haue hys dagger upon condycyon that he shulde gyue and delyuer vnto hym therefore within iii dayes after ryghte nought, or els forty shyllynges in money: wheron the other was contente. Thys bergayne thus agreed, he that shulde delyuer his ryght noughte toke no thoughte, vntyll suche tyme that the day apoynted drewe nye. At the whiche tyme he began to ymagen, howe he myght delyuer this man ryght nought. And fyrst of all he thought on a feder, a straw, a pynnes poynte, and suche other; but nothynge could he deuyse but that it was somwhat; wherfore he came home all sadde and pencyfe for sorowe of losynge of his xl. shyllynges, and coulde nother slepe nor take reste, wherof hys wyfe, beynge agreued, demaunded the cause of his heuynes; which at the last after many denayes tolde her all. Well, syr, quod she, lette me here with alone and gette ye forthe a-towne; and I shall handell this matter well ynoughe. This man folowynge his wyfes counsell wente forthe of the
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Therfore, syr, quod she, put your hande in yonder potte, and take your money. This man beynge glad thrust his hande in it, supposyng to haue taken xl shyllynges of money, and thrust his hande thoroughe it vp to the elbowe. Quod the wyfe than: syr, what haue ye there? Mary, quod he, ryghte nought. Syr, quod she, than haue ye youre bergayne, and than my husbande hathe contented you for his dagger accordynge to his promyse.
By this ye may se, that oftentymes a womans wytte at an extremyte is moche better than a mans.
+ Of the frere that tolde the thre chyldres fortunes. xlviii.
+ There was a frere lymyttour whyche wente a lymyttynge to a certayne towne, wherin dwellyd a certayne ryche man of whome he neuer coulde gette the value of an hal[f]peny: yet he thought he wolde go thyder and assaye hem.[82] And as he wente thyderwarde, the wyfe standyng at the dore, perceyuynge hym commynge a farre of, thoughte that he was commynge thyther, and by and by ranne in and badde her chyldren standyng thereby, that if the frere asked for her, say she was nat within. The frere sawe her runne in and suspected the cause, and came to the dore and asked for the wyfe. The chyldren, as they were bydden, sayde that she was nat within. Than stode he styll lokynge on the chyldren; and at the laste he called to hym the eldeste and badde hym let hym se his hande; and whan he saw his hande: O Jesu! quod he, what fortune for the is ordayned! Then he asked the seconde sonne to se his hande and, his hande sene, the frere sayd: O Jesu! what destenye for the is prepared. Than loked he in the thyrde sonnes hand. O God! quod he, thy desteny is hardest of all; and therwith wente he his way. The wyfe, heryng these thinges, sodenly ranne out and called the frere againe, and prayde hym to come in, and after to sytte downe, and sette before hym all the vitaile that she had. And whan he had well eaten and dronken, she besought hym to tell her the destenyes of her chyldren; which at the last after many difficulties tolde her that the fyrste shulde be a beggar, the seconde a thefe, the thyrde a homicyde; whiche she hearynge fell downe in a soone[83] and toke it greuouslye. The frere comforted her and said that, thoughe these were theyr fortunes, there myght be remedy had. Than she besought of him[84] his counsell. Than said the frere: you must make the eldest that shalbe a beggar a frere, and the seconde that shalbe a thefe a man of lawe, and the thyrde that shalbe an homicyde a phisicyon.
By this tale ye may lerne, that they that will come to the speche or presence of any persone for theyr owne cause, they muste fyrste endeuer them selfe to shewe suche matters as those persones most delyte in.
FOOTNOTES:
[82] i. e. him. The Orig. reads them.
+ Of the boy that bare the frere his masters money. xlix.
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Ye, quod the frere. Than wente the man to the boye and sayd: syr, thy mayster byddeth the gyue me xl pens. I wyll nat, quod the boye. Than called the man with an hye voyce to the frere and sayd: syr, he sayeth he wyll not. Than quod the frere: bete him; and whan the boye harde his mayster say so, he gaue the man xl pens.
By this ye may se, it is foly for a man to say ye or nay to a matter, excepte he knewe surely what the matter is.
FOOTNOTES:
[83] Swoon.
[84] Orig. reads besought him of.
+ Of Phylyp Spencer the bochers man. l.
+ A certayne bocher dwellynge in Saynt Nicolas[85] Flesshambles in London, called Poule, had a seruaunte called Peter. Thys Peter on a Sonday was at the churche herynge masse; and one of his felowes, whose name was Phylyppe Spencer, was sente to call him at the commaundement of his maister. So it happened at the tyme that the curat preched, and in his sermonde touched many auctoryties of the holy scriptures, amonge all, the wordes of the pystles of saynt Poule ad[86] phylypenses: howe [we] be nat onely bounde to beleue in Chryste but also to suffre for Chrystes sake; and [he] sayd these wordes in the pulpet: what sayeth Poule ad Phylyppenses to this? Thys yonge man, that was called Philyppe Spenser, hadde went he had spoken of him [and] answered shortely and sayd: mary, syr, he bad Peter come home and take his parte of a podynge, for he shulde go for a Calfe anone. The curate herynge this, was abasshed, and all the audyence made great laughter.
By thys ye may se, that it is no token of a wyse man to gyue a soden answere to a questyon, before he knowe surely what the matter is.
FOOTNOTES:
[85] Orig, reads Nocolas. The Church of St. Nicholas Shambles, which formerly stood in the neigbourhood of Newgate Market, was pulled down at the Reformation. See Cunningham, Handbook of London, in voce.
[86] Orig. reads and.
+ Of the courtear and the carter. li.
+ There came a courtyer by a carter, the whiche in derysyon preysed the carters backe, legges, and other membres of his body meruaylously, whose gestynge the carter perceyued and sayde, he had another properte than the courtyer espyed in hym; and whan the courtyer had demanded what it shulde be, he lokyd asyde ouer hys shulder vpon the courtyer and sayde thus: lo! syr, this is my propertie. I haue a walle eye in my hede: for I neuer loke ouer my shulder thys wyse but lyghtlye[87] I spye[88] a knaue.
By this tale a man may se, that he that useth to deryde and mocke other folkes, is somtyme him selfe more deryded and mocked.
FOOTNOTES:
[87] Quickly.
[88] Orig. reads lyghtlye espye.
+ Of the yongman that prayd his felow to teche hym hys paternoster. lii.
+ A yonge man of the age of xx yere, rude and unlerned, in the tyme of Lente came to his curate to be confessed; whiche, whan he was of his lyfe serched and examyned could not saye his Pater noster: wherfore his confessoure exorted him to lerne his Pater noster and shewed him what an holy and goodly prayer it was and the effecte therof and the vii peticyons therin contayned. The i. sanctificetur &c. halowed be thy name. The ii. adueniat regnum &c. thy kingdome come. The iii. Fiat voluntas &c. thy will be done in earth as it is in heuen. The iv. Panem nostrum &c. geue[89] us our dayly sustenaunce alway and helpe vs as we helpe[90] them that haue nede of us. The v. Dimitte &c. Forgyue vs our synnes done to the as we forgyue them that trespas agaynste vs. The vi. Et ne nos. Let vs nat be ouercome with euyll temptacyon. The vii. Sed libera &c. But delyuer us from all euyll. amen. And than his confessour, after this exposicyon to hym made, injoyned hym in penaunce to faste euery Fryday on brede and water, tyll he had his Pater noster well and sufficiently lerned. This yonge man, mekely acceptyng his penaunce, so departed and came home to one of his companyons, and sayde to his felowe: so it is that my gostely father hathe gyuen me in penaunce to faste euery Fryday [on] brede and water, tyll I can say my Pater noster. Therfore I pray thee teche me my Pater noster, and by my truthe I shall therfore teche the a songe of Robyn Hode that shall be worth xx of it.
By thys tale ye may lerne to knowe the effecte of the holy prayer of the Pater noster.
FOOTNOTES:
[89] Singer's ed. reads yeve.
[90] Orig. ed. and Singer read we haue and helpe them.
+ Of the frere that prechyd in ryme expownynge the ave maria. liii.
+ A certayne frere there was whiche, vpon Our Lady day the Annuncyacion, made a sermon in the Whyte Freres in London, and began his antetexte thys wyse. Aue Maria gracia plena dominus tecum &c. These wordes, quod the frere, were spoken by the aungell Gabryell to Oure Ladye, whan she conceyued Christe; which is as moche to saye in our mother tonge as: all hayle, Mary, well thou be; the sonne of God is with the. And furthermore the aungell sayde: thou shall conceyue and bere a sonne, and thou shalt call his name Jesum; and Elyzabeth thy swete cosyn, she shall conceyue the swete Saynt John. And so [he] proceded styll in his sermon in suche fonde ryme, that dyuers and many gentylmen of the court that were there began to smyle and laughe. The frere that perceyuyng said thus: Maysters, I pray you, harke; I shall tell you a narracyon. There was ones a yonge preest, that was nat all the best clerke, sayd masse and redde a colect thus: Deus qui vigenti filii tui &c. wherfore he shulde haue said vnigeniti filii tui &c.; and after, whan masse was done, there was suche a gentylman, as one of you are, nowe that had herde this masse, came to the preest and sayde thus: syr, I pray you tell me how many sonnes had God Almyghty? Quod the preest: why aske you that? Mary, syr, quod the gentylman, I suppose he had xx sonnes: for ye sayd right nowe: Deus qui viginti filii tui.[91] The preest, perceyuynge how that he deryded hym, answered hym shortely and said thus: howe many sonnes so euer God Almyghty had, I am sure that thou arte none of them: for thou scornyst the worde of God. And so sayde the frere in the pulpet: no more are ye none of the chyldren of God: for ye scorne and laughe at me nowe, that preche to you the worde of God whiche
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By this ye may[92] perceyue wel that the best, the wysyst and the most holyest matter that is, by fond pronuncyacion and otterauns, may be marryd nor shall not[93] edyfye to the audyence. Therfore euery proces shold[94] be vtteryd wyth wordys and countenaunce conuenyent to the matter.
Also yet by thys tale they that be vnlearnyd in the laten tonge may know the sestence[95] of the Aue Maria.
FOOTNOTES:
[91] This portion of the tale is repeated in Scoggin's or Scogin's Jests.
+ Of the curat that prechyd the artycles of the Crede. liv.
+ In a wyllage in Warwykshyre there was a parysh prest, al though he wer no great clarke nor graduat of the vnyuersyte, yet he prechid to hys paryshons vppon a Sonday, declaryng to them xii artycles of the Crede; shewyng them that the furst artycle was to beleue in God the fader almyghty maker of heuen and erth; the second, to beleue in Jesu Cryste hys onely son our Lorde coequal wyth the fader in all thynges perteynyng to the deyte; the thyrd, that he was conceyuyd of the holy goost, borne of the vyrgyn Mary; the fourthe, that he suffred deth under Pons pylate and that he was crucyfyed, dede and beryed; the fyft, that he descended to hell, and fet[96] out the good sowlys that were in feyth and hope, and than the thyrd day rose from deth to lyfe; the syxt, [that] he assendyd into heuen to the ryght syde of God the fader, where he syttyth; the seuynth, that he shall come at the day of dome to judge both us that be quyk and them that be dede; the eyght, to beleue in the Holy Ghost equall God wyth the fader and the sone; the nynth, [to beleue] in the holy churche Catholyk and in the holy communyon of sayntes; the tenth, [to beleue] in the remyssion of synnys; the levynth, [to beleue] in the resurreccyon generall of the body and soule; the twelfth [to beleue] in eurlastynge lyfe that God shall rewarde them that be good. And [he] sayd to his paryshons further, that these artycles ye be bounde to beleue: for they be trewe of auctoryte. And yf you beleue not me, than for a more surete and suffycyent auctoryte go your way to Couentre, and there ye shall se them all playe in Corpus Cristi playe.
By redynge of this tale, they that understand no Laten may lerne to knovve the xii articles of the fayth.
FOOTNOTES:
[92] I have supplied these four words from conjecture. They are not in the original nor in Singer's reprint.
[93] The double negative is very common in old English books.
[94] Orig. reads wold.
[95] Essence?
[96] Fetched.
+ Of the frere that prechyd the x commaundementis. lv.
+ A lymytour of the Gray Freres in London prechyd[97] in a certaine vyllage in the contrey in the tyme of his lymytacyon, and had prechyd a sermon which he had lernyd by hart, that of the declaring of the x. commaundementis. The fyrst, to beleue in one God and to honoure him aboue all thynges. The seconde, to swere not in vayn by hym nor none of his creatures. The thyrde, to absteyne from wordely operacyon on the holy day, thou and all thy seruauntys of whome thou hast cherg. The fourthe, to honour thy parentys and to help them in theyr necessyte. The fyft, to sle no man in dede nor wyll, nor for no hatred hurte his bodye nor good name. The syxte, to do no fornycacyon actuall nor by no vnlefull[98] thought to desyre no fleshly delectacyon. The seuenthe (eighth), to stele nor depryue no mannes goodes by thefte. The ninth, not to bear false witness against thy neighbour. The tenth, not[99] to couete nor desyre no mannes goodes vnlefullye. Thou shalt not desyre thy neyghbours wyfe for thyne owne apetyte vnlaufully. And because this frere had preched this sermonde so often, one that had herde it before tolde the freres seruaunte, that his maister was called frere John x. Commaundementes; wherfore this seruaunte shewed the frere his mayster therof, and aduysed him to preche some sermonde of some other matter: for it greued him to here his maister so deryded and to be called frere John x. Commaundementes. For euery man knoweth [quod he] what ye wyll say, as sone as euer ye begyn, because ye haue prechyd it so ofte. Why than, quod the frere, I am sure thou knowest well whiche be the x commaundementes that hast herde them so ofte declared. Ye, syr, quod the seruaunte, that I do. Than, quod the frere, I pray the reherse them vnto me nowe. Mary, quod the seruaunte, they be these. Pride, couetise,[100] slouthe, enuy, wrathe, glotony and lechery.
By redyng thys tale ye may lerne to knowe the x commaundementes and the vii dedely synnes.[101]
FOOTNOTES:
[97] Orig. reads whych perchyd, which the context will scarcely allow.
[98] Unlawful.
[99] The words in italics are supplied by me from conjecture. They are not in orig. or in Singer's reprint; but it is evident what the context requires.
[100] Covetousness. Orig. reads covetous.
[101] Whitford, in his Werke for Householders, 1533, says:—"yet must you have a lesson to teche your folkes to beware of the vii pryncipall synnes, whiche ben communely called the seven dedely synnes, but in dede they doue call them wronge: for they be not alway dedely synnes. Therfore they sholde be called capytall or pryncipall synnes, and not dedely synnes. These ben theyr names by ordere after our dyvysion: Pryde, Envy, Wrath, Covetyse, Glotony, Slouth, and Lechery."
+ Of the wyfe that bad her husbande ete the candell fyrste. lvi.
+ The husbande sayde to his wyfe thus wyse: by this candell, I dremed thys nyght that I was cockecolde. To whom she answered and sayd: husbande, by this brede, ye are none. Than sayd he: wyfe, eate the brede. She answered and sayd to her husbande: than eate you the candell: for you sware fyrste.
By this a man may se, that a womans answer is neuer to seke.
+ Of the man of lawes sonnes answer. lvii.
+ A woman demaunded a questyon of a little chylde, sonne unto a man of lawe, of what crafte his father was; whiche chylde sayde, his father was a craftye man of lawe.
By this tale a man may perceyue, that somtyme peraduenture yonge Innocentes speke truely vnaduysed.
+ Of the frere in the pulpet that bad the woman leue her babelynge. lviii.
+ In a certayne parrysshe churche in London, after the olde laudable and accustomed maner, there was a frere Mynor, all thoughe he were nat the best clerke nor coulde nat make the best sermondes, yet by the lycence of the curate he there prechyd to the Parysshons. Among the whyche audyence there was a wyfe at that tyme lytell disposed to contemplacyon, [who] talked wyth a gossype of hers of other femenyne tales so loude that the frere harde and somwhat was perturbed therwith. To whome therfore openly the frere spake and sayd: thou woman there in the tawny gowne, holde thy peace and leaue thy babelynge; thou troublest the worde of God. This woman therwith sodenly abasshed, because the frere spake to her so openly, that all the people her behelde, answered shortly and said: I beshrowe his harte that babeleth more of us two. At the which seyng the people dyd laughe, because they felte but lytell frute in hys sermonde.
By this tale a man may lerne to beware howe he openly rebuketh any other, and in what audyence, lest it come to his owne reprofe.
+ Of the Welchman that cast the Scotte into the see. lix.
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they toke many great interpryses and many shyppes and many prisoners of other realmes that were theyr enemyes. Amonge the whiche they happened on a season to take a Scottes shype; and dyuers Scottes they slewe and toke prisoners, amonge whome there was a Welcheman that had one of the Scottes prysoners, and bad him that he shulde do of his harneys, whiche to do the Scotte was very lothe; howe be it for feare at the laste he pulled it of with an euyll wyll, and sayd to the Welcheman: and if thou wylte nedes haue my harneys, take it there, and cast it ouer the borde into the see. The Welcheman, seynge that, sayd: by Cottes blud and her nayle,[102] I shall make her fette[103] it agayne; and toke him by the legges, and caste hym after ouer the borde into the see.
By this tale a man may lerne, that he that is subiecte to another, ought to forsake his owne wyll and folowe his wyll and comaundement that so hathe subieccyon ouer him, leste it turne to his great hurte and damage.
FOOTNOTES:
[102] i.e. By God's blood and His nail.
[103] Fetch.
+ Of the man that had the dome wyfe. lx.
+ There was a man that maryed a woman whiche had great ryches and beautie; howe be it she had suche an impedyment of nature, that she was domme and coulde nat speke. Whiche thinge made him to be ryght pensyfe and sadde; wherfore, vpon a day as he walked alone ryght heuy in harte, thynkynge vpon his wyfe, there came one to him and asked hym, what was the cause of his heuynesse; whiche answered that it was onely because his wife was borne domme. To whome this other sayde: I shall shewe the sone a remedye and a medecyne therfore, that is thus: go take an aspen lefe and laye it vnder her tonge this nyght, she beynge a slepe; and I warante the that she shall speke on the morowe. Whiche man, beynge glad of this medycyne, prepared therfore and gathered aspyn leaues; wherfore he layde thre of them vnder her tonge, when she was a slepe. And on the morowe whan he hymselfe awaked, he, desyrous to knowe howe his medecyne wrought, beynge in bedde with her, he demaunded of her howe she dyd; and sodenly she answered and sayd: I beshrowe your harte for wakenynge me so erly; and so by the virtue of that medycyne she was restored to her speche. But in conclusyon her speche so encreased day by day, and she was so curste of condycyon, that euery daye she brauled and chydde with her husbande so moche, that at the laste he was more vexed, and hadde moche more trouble and disease with her shrewde wordes, than he hadde before whan she was dome. Wherfore, as he walked another tyme abrode, he happened to meate agayne with the same persone that taughte hym howe to make his wyfe speke[104]
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and more wery of her nowe than I was before, whan she was domme; wherfore I praye you teche me a medycyne to modefye her, that she speke nat so moche. This other answered and sayd thus: syr, I am a deuyll of hell; but I am one of them that haue leste power there. All be it yet I haue power to make a woman to speke, but and if a woman begyn ones to speke, I, nor all the deuyls in hell that haue the more power, be nat able to make a woman to be styll, nor to cause her to leaue her spekynge.
By thys tale ye may note, that a man ofte tymes desyreth and coueteth moche that thynge, that ofte turneth to his displeasure.
FOOTNOTES:
[104] These words in Italics I have supplied from conjecture. They are not in orig. or in Singer.
+ Of the Proctour of Arches that had the lytel wyfe. lxi.
+ One askyd a Proctour of the Arches, lately before maryed, why he chose so lytel a wyfe; whiche answered: because he had a texte sayenge thus: ex duobus malis minus[105] est eliendum, that is to saye in englyshe, amonge euyll thinges the leste is to be chosen.
+ Of ii nonnes that were shryuen of one preste. lxii.
+ In the tyme of Lente there came two nonnes to saynte Johnns in London bycause of the great pardon, there to be confessed. Of the whyche nonnes, the one was a young lady and the other was olde. This yonge lady chose fyrst her confessour, and confessed her that she hadde synned in lechery. The confessour asked, with whome it was; she sayd it was with a lustye gallante. He demaunded where it was; she sayd: in a plesaunte grene herber. He asked further: whan it was. She sayd: in the mery moneth of Maye. Than sayd the confessour this wyse: a fayre yonge lady, with a lusty galante, in a plesaunte herber, and in the mery moneth of Maye! Ye dyd but your kynde! Nowe, by my truthe, God forgyue you, and I do; and so she departed. And incontynent the olde nonne mette with her, askynge her howe she lyked her confessour; whiche sayd he was the best gostly father that euer she hadde and the most easyest in penaunce-geuyng. For comfort wherof this other nonne went to the same confessour and shroue her lykewyse, that she had synned in lechery. And he demaunded with whome. Whiche sayde: with an old frere. He asked where. She said: in her olde cloyster. He asked: what season. She sayde: in Lente. Than the confessour sayd: an old ——, to lye with an old frere, in her olde cloyster, and in the holy tyme of Lente! by cockes body,[106] if God forgyue the, yet wyll I neuer forgyue the. Which wordes caused her to departe all sadde and sore abasshed.
By this tale men may lerne, that a vicyous acte is more abhomynable in one person than in another, in one season than in another, and in one place than in an other.[107]
FOOTNOTES:
[105] orig. reads: ex duobus malis minus malis.
[106] By God's body.
[107] If meant as quiet irony, this moral is admirable.
+ Of the esquyer that sholde have ben made knyght. lxiii.
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and the trumpettes began to blowe, a yonge squyer of Englande rydynge on a lusty courser of whych horse the noyse of the trumpettes so prycked the corage, that the squyer could nat him retayne; so that agaynste his wyll he ranne vpon hys enemyes. Whyche squyer, seynge none other remedy, sette his spere in the rest and rode throughe the thyckest of hys enemyes, and in conclusyon had good fortune, and saued hym selfe alyue without hurte: and the Englysshe hooste folowed and had the victorye. And after, whan the felde was wonne, this kynge Edwarde called the squyre and badde hym knele down, and he wolde make hym knyght, because he valyauntely was the man that day, which with the moost couragyous stomake aduentured fyrste vpon theyr enemyes. To whome the squyer thus answered: if it lyke your grace to make any one knyghte therfore, I beseche you to make my horse knyght, and nat me: for certes it was his dede, and nat myne, and full sore agaynst my wyll. Whiche answere the kynge herynge refrayned to promote hym to the order of knyghthode, reputynge hym in maner but for a cowarde; and euer after fauored hym the lesse therfore.
By this tale a man may lerne, howe it is wysedome when he is in good credence to kepe hym[self] therein, and in no wyse to dysable[108] hym selfe to moche.
+ Of him that wolde gette the maystrye of his wyfe. lxiv.
+ A yonge man, late maryed to a wyfe, thought it was good polecye to gette the maystrye of her in the begynnynge, came to her, the potte sethynge ouer the fyre, all thoughe the meate therein were nat ynoughe soden [and] commaunded[109] her to take the potte fro the fyre; whiche answered and said that the meate was nat redy to eate. And he said agayne: I wyll haue it taken of for my pleasure. This good woman, lothe yet to offende hym, sette the potte besyde the fyre, as he badde. And anone after he commaunded her to sette the potte behynde the dore, and she said agayne: ye be nat wyse therin. But he precysely said, it shuld be so, as he bad. And she gentylly againe dyd his commaundement. This man, yet nat satisfied, comaunded her to set the pot a-hygh vpon the henne roste. What! quod the wyfe, I trowe ye be madde. And he fyerslye than comaunded her to sette it there, or els he sayd she shulde repente it. She, somwhat afrayde to moue his pacyence, toke a ladder, and sette it to the rost[110] and wente her selfe vp the ladder, and toke the potte in her hande, prayeng her husbande than to holde the ladder faste for [fear of] slydynge; whiche so dyd. And whan the husbande loked up, and sawe the potte stande there on hyght, he sayd thus: Lo! nowe standeth the potte there, as I wolde haue it. This wyfe hearynge
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FOOTNOTES:
[108] disparage.
[109] orig. is here apparently very corrupt; it reads: "all thoughe the meat therein were nat ynoughe, sodenlye commaunded," &c.
+ Of the penytent that sayd the shepe of God have mercy upon me. lxv.
+ A certayne confessour, in the holy tyme of Lente, enioyned his penytente to saye dayly for his penaunce this prayer: Agnus Dei miserere mei, whiche was as moche to saye in englysshe as the Lambe of God haue mercye vpon me. This penytente acceptynge his penaunce departed, and that tyme twelfe monthe after came agayne to be confessed of the same confessoure, whiche demaunded of him whether he had fulfylled his penaunce that he hym enioyned the laste yeare. Than he sayde thus: ye, syr, I thanke God I haue fulfylled it. For I haue sayd thus to daye in the mornynge and so dayly: the shepe of God haue mercy vpon me. To whome the confessour said: nay, I bad the say: Agnus Dei miserere mei, that is, the Lamb of God haue mercy vpon me. Ye, syr, quod the penytente, ye say truthe; that was the laste yeare. But now it is a twelfemonthe since, and it is a shepe by this tyme. Therfore I muste nedes say nowe: the shepe of God haue mercy vpon me.
By this tale ye may perceyue, that if holy scripture be expowned to the lay people onely in the lytterall sence, peraduenture it shall do lytell good.
FOOTNOTES:
[110] planted it against the roost.
+ Of the husbande that sayd he was John Daw. lxvi.
+ It happened dyuers to be in communicacyon, amonge whome there was a curate or a parysshe preest and one John Dawe, a parisshon of his; whiche ii had communicacyon more busy than other in thys maner. This preest thought that one myght nat by felynge knowe one from a nother in the darke. John Dawe his parysshone, [being] of the contrary opinyon, layde with his curate for a wager xl pence; whervpon the parysshe preest, wyllynge to proue his wager, wente to this John Dawes house in the euenynge, and sodenly gate hym to bedde with his wyfe; where, whan he began to be somwhat busye, she felynge his crowne sayde shortely with a loude voyce: by God! thou art nat John Dawe. That hearynge, her husbande answered: thou sayest trouthe, wyfe, I John Dawe am here.[111] Therfore, mayster persone, gyue me the money: for ye haue loste your xl. pence.
By this tale ye may lerne to perceyue, that it is no wysedome for a man to be couetous of wynnynge of any wager to put in ieopardye a thynge, that maye turne him to greatter displeasure.
+ Of the scoler of Oxforde that proued by souestry ii chykens iii. lxvii.
+ A ryche Frankelyn in the contrey hauynge by his wyfe but one chylde and no mo, for the great affeccyon that he had to his sayd chylde founde hym at Oxforde to schole by the space of ii or iii yere. Thys yonge scoler, in a vacacyon[112] tyme, for his disporte came home to his father. It fortuned afterwarde on a nyght, the father, the mother and the sayd yonge scoler
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I haue studyed souestry, and by that scyence I can proue, that these ii chekyns in the dysshe be thre chekyns.[113] Mary, sayde the father, that wolde I fayne se. The scoller toke one of the chekyns in his hande and said: lo! here is one chekyn, and incontynente he toke bothe the chekyns in his hande iointely and sayd: here is ii chekyns; and one and ii maketh iii: ergo here is iii chekyns. Than the father toke one of the chekyns to him selfe, and gaue another to his wyfe, and sayd thus: lo! I wyll haue one of the chekyns to my parte, and thy mother shal haue a nother, and because of thy good argumente thou shalte haue the thyrde to thy supper: for thou gettyst no more meate here at this tyme; whyche promyse the father kepte, and so the scoller wente without his supper.
By this tale men may se, that it is great foly to put one to scole to lerne any subtyll scyence, whiche hathe no naturall wytte.
FOOTNOTES:
[111] orig. reads I am here John Dawe.
[112] orig. reads vocacyon.
[113] The same story is to be found in Scogin's Jests, with a trifling variation. Scogin's Jests were published before 1565. Several of the anecdotes, here narrated, were re-produced in that and other collections. See also Joake upon Joake, 1721, where the present story is told of King Charles the Second, Nell Gwynne, and the Duchess of Portsmouth. In this version the Duchess is the sufferer.
+ Of the frere that stale the podynge.[114] lxviii.
+ A frere of London there was that on a Sonday in the mornynge yerly[115] in the somer season came fro London to Barnette to make a colacyon,[116] and was there an houre before hye masse began: and bycause he wolde come to the churche honestly, he wente fyrst to an ale house there to wype his shoes and to make him selfe clenly. In the whyche house there were podynges to sell, and dyuers folkes there brekynge theyr faste, and eatynge podynges. But the frere brake his faste in a secrete place in the same house. This frere sone after came to the church, and by lycence of the curate entered into the pulpet to make a colacyon or sermon. And in his sermon there he rebuked sore the maner of them that met to breke theyr faste on the Sonday before hye masse, and said it was called the deuyls blacke brekefast. And with that worde spekynge, as he dyd caste his armes out to make his countenaunce, there fell a podyng out of his sleue, whiche he hym selfe had stolen a lytell before in the same alehouse; and whan the people saw that, and specially they that brake theyr faste there the same mornynge, and knewe well that the wyfe had complayned howe she had one of her podynges stolen, they laughed so moche at the frere, that he incontynente wente downe out of the pulpet for shame.
By this tale a man may se that, whan a precher dothe rebuke any synne or vyce wherin he is knowen openly to be gyltie him selfe, suche prechynge shall lytell edefye to the people.
FOOTNOTES:
[114] This story, as already mentioned in the Introduction, is taken from the tale of the "Vickar of Bergamo" in Tarlton's Newes out of Purgatorie (1590). See Halliwell's ed. of Tarlton's Jests, &c. p. 82. (Shakesp. Sec.).
[115] Early.
[116] Homily.
+ Of the frankelyns sonne that cam to take ordres. lxix.
+ A certayne scoler there was, intendynge to be made a preest, whyche hadde nother great wytte nor lernynge, came to the bysshoppe to take orders, whose folysshenes the bysshoppe perceyuynge, because he was a ryche mannes sonne wolde nat very strongly oppose him, but asked him thys questyon: Noye had thre sonnes, Sem, Came, and Japhete; nowe tell me, who was Japhetes father? But the scoler was all abashed, and knew nat what to answere: wherefore the bysshoppe sayde: get the home and consider awhile, and come agayne and soyle[117] me this questyon, and thou shalt haue orders. This scoler so departed and came home to his father, and shewed hym the cause of the hynderaunce of his orders. Hys father, beyng angry at his folisshenes, thought to teche hym the solucyon of this questyon by a familier example, and called his spanyels before hym, and sayd thus: Thou knowest well, Colle my dogge hathe these iii. whelpes, Ryg, Trygge and Tryboll. Muste nat all my dogges nedes be syre to Tryboll? Than quod the scoler: by God! father, ye [have] sayd trouthe. Let me alone nowe; ye shall se me do well ynoughe the nexte tyme. Wherfore on the morowe he wente to the bysshoppe agayne, and sayd he coulde soyle his questyon. Than sayd the bysshoppe: Noye had thre sonnes, Sem, Came,[118] and Japhete. Now, tell me who was Japhetes father. Mary, syr, quod the scoler, if it plese youre lordeshyppe, Colle my fathers dogge.
By this tale a man may lerne, that it is but loste tyme to teche a fole any thynge, whiche hathe no wytte to perceyue it.
FOOTNOTES:
[117] Satisfy, a very rare word.
+ Of the husbandman that lodgyd the frere in his own bedde. lxx.
+ It fortuned so that a frere, late in the euenynge, desyred lodgynge of a poore man of the countrey, the whiche for lacke of other lodgyng, glad to harborowe the frere, lodged him in his owne bedde. And after, he and his wyfe, the frere beynge a slepe, came and laye in the same bedde; and in the mornynge after the poore man rose and went to the market, leauyng the frere in the bedde with his wyfe. And as he wente he smiled and laughte to hym selfe; wherfore hys neyghbours demaunded of hym, why he so smyled. He answered and sayd: I laughe to thynke, howe shamefaste the frere shal be whanne he waketh, whome I left in bedde with my wyfe.
By this tale a man may lerne, that he that ouershoteth hym selfe doth folysshely: yet he is more fole to shewe it openly.
FOOTNOTES:
[118] Ham.
+ Of the preste that wolde say two gospels for a grote. lxxi.
+ Somtyme there dwelled a preest in Stretforde vpon Auyne of small lernyng, which vndeuoutly sange masse and oftentymes twyse on one day. So it happened on a tyme, after his seconde masse was done in shorte space, nat a myle from Stretforde there mette with hym dyuers marchaunte men whiche wolde haue harde masse, and desyred hym to synge masse and he shuld haue a grote; whiche answered them and sayd: syrs, I wyll say masse no more this day; but I wyll say you two gospels for one grote, and that is dogge chepe [for] a masse in any place in Englande.
By this tale a man may se, that they that be rude and unlerned regarde but lytell the meryte and goodness of holy prayer.
+ Of the coutear that dyd cast the frere ouer the bote. lxxii.
Too much damaged to decypher.
+ Of the frere that prechyd what mennys sowles were. lxxiii.
+ A precher in pulpet whiche prechyd the worde of God, amonge other matters spake of mennes soules and sayd that the soule was so subtyll that a thousande soules myght daunce on the space of the nayle of a mannes fynger. Amonge which audyence there was a mery conceyted fellow of small deuocyon that answered and sayde thus: mayster doctour, if a thousande soules may daunce on a mannes nayle, I praye you than, where shall the pyper stande?
By this tale a man may se, that it is but foly to shewe or to teche vertue to them, that haue no pleasure nor mynde therto.
+ Of the husbande that cryed ble under the bed. lxxiv.
+ In London there was a certayne artifycer hauyng a fayre wife, to whom a lusty galante made pursute to accomplisshe his pleasure. This woman, denyeng, shewed the matter vnto her husband whiche, moued therewith, bad his wyfe to appoynte him a tyme to come secretly to lye with her all nyght, and with great crakes and othes sware that, agaynst his comyng, he wolde be redy harneysed and wolde put him in ieopardye of his lyfe, except he wolde make hym a great amendes. Thys nyght was then appoynted; at whiche tyme thys courtyer came at his houre, and entred in at the chamber, and set his two-hande sworde downe, and sayde these wordes: stande thou there, thou sworde, the dethe of thre men! This husbande lyenge vnder the bedde in harneys, herynge these wordes, lay still for fere. The courtyer anone gat him to bed with the wyfe about his prepensed busynesse; and within an houre or two the husbande, beynge wery of lyenge, beganne to remoue hym. The courtyer, that hearynge, asked the wyfe what thinge that was that remoued vnder the bedde; whiche, excusyng the matter, sayd it was a lytell shepe, that was wonte dayly to go about the house; and the husbande, that herynge, anone cryed ble, as it had ben a shepe. And so in conclusyon, whan the courtyer sawe his tyme, he rose and kissed the wyfe, and took his leaue and departed. And as sone as he was gone the husbande arose; and, whan the wyfe loked on him, somwhat abasshed began to make a sad countenance; and [she] sayde; alas! syr, why did you * *
The remainder of this tale is wanting.
By this tale ye may se, that he is not wyse that will put his confydence in bosters and great crakers, whiche ofte tymes wyll do but lytell, when it comes to the poynte.
+ Of the shomaker that asked the colyer what tydynges in hell.[119] lxxv.
+ A souter[120] syttynge in his shope, that sawe a colyer come by, deryded hym, because he was so blacke, and asked hym, what newes from hell and howe the deuyll fared. To whome the colyer answeryd hym: he was well, whan I sawe hym laste; for he was rydynge and waited but for a souter to plucke on his botes.
By this ye may se that he that vseth to deryde other folkes is somtyme him selfe more deryded and mocked.
FOOTNOTES:
[119] The blackness of colliers was employed of course from a very early period as a ground for satirical insinuations as to their connection with the Evil One. In 1568, Ulpian Fulwell, a distinguished writer of the Elizabethan era, published A Pleasant Interlude intituled Like will to Like quoth the Devil to the Collier; and in the old play of Grim the Collier of Croydon, the epithet grim was intended to convey a similar idea. In Robin Goodfellow His Mad Pranks and Merry Jests, 1628, however, Grim is the name of a Fairy.
[120] Shoemaker or Cobbler. Lat. Sutor.
+ Of Seynt Peter that cryed cause bobe. lxxvi.
+ I fynde wrytten amonge olde gestes,[121] howe God mayde Saynt Peter porter of heuen, and that God of hys goodnes, sone after his passyon, suffered many men to come to the kyngdome of Heuen with small deseruynge; at whiche tyme there was in heuen a great company of Welchemen, whyche with their crakynge and babelynge troubled all the other. Wherfore God sayde to saynte Peter, that he was wery of them, and that he wolde fayne haue them out of heuen. To whome saynte Peter sayd: Good Lorde, I warrente you, that shal be done. Wherfore saynt Peter wente out of heuen gates and cryed wyth a loud voyce Cause bobe, that is as moche to saye as rosted chese, whiche thynge the Welchemen herynge, ranne out of Heuen a great pace. And when Saynt Peter sawe them all out, he sodenly wente into Heuen, and locked the dore, and so sparred all the Welchemen out.
By this ye may se, that it is no wysdome for a man to loue or to set his mynde to moche vpon any delycate or worldely pleasure, wherby he shall lose the celestyall and eternall ioye.
FOOTNOTES:
[121] It is not very usual to find this word in its jocular sense spelled in this manner. It continued to be used in its original signification (action or exploit) even to the Restoration, perhaps later. The most recent example of this employment with which the Editor has happened to meet is at p. 29 of Mauley's Iter Carolinum, 1660, where the writer speaks of "His Majesties Gests from Newcastle to Holdenby in Feb. 1646." These gests were certainly no jests. Since the former part of this note was written a more recent instance of the use of gest in the sense in question has occurred to the Editor in the Life and Gests of S. Thomas Cantilupe, Gant, 1674. 8vo.
+ Of hym that aduenturyd body and soule for hys prynce. lxxvii.
+ Two knyghtes there were which wente to a standynge fylde with theyr prynce; but one of them was confessed before he wente, but the other wente into the felde without shryfte or repentaunce. Afterwarde thys prynce wanne the fylde, and had the victory that day; wherfore he that was confessed came to the prynce, and asked an offyce and sayd that he had deserved it, for he had done good seruice and aduentured that day as farre as any man in the felde. To whome the other that was unconfessed answered and sayd: nay, by the masse, I am more worthy to haue a rewarde than he: for he aduentured but his body for your sake, for he durst nat go to the felde tyll he was confessed; but I that was unconfessed adventured my soule.[122] * * * *
The remainder of this tale is wanting.
+ Of the parson that stale the mylners elys. lxxviii.
Too imperfect to decypher.
+ Of the Welchman that saw one xls. better than God. lxxix.
+ A Welchman on a tyme went to churche to be shryued, and chanced to come in euyn at the sacryng-time.[123] When he had confessed him he went home, wher one of his felowes askyd hym whether he had seen God Almighty to day; which answerd and sayd: nay, but I saw one forty shillings better.
+ Of the frere that said dyryge for the hoggys soule. lxxx.
+ Upon a tyme certayn women in the countrye were appoynted[124] to deryde and mokke a frere limitour, that vsed moche to trouble them; whereupon one of them, a lytyll before the frere came, tooke a hogge, and for dysport leyd it under the borde after the manner of a corse; and told the frere it was her good man and dysyred hime to say dirige for his soule. Wherefore the frere and his felaw began Placebo and Dirige and so forth, thorough the seruyse full devowtly, which the wyues so heryng could not refraine them selfe from lawghynge and went in to a lytyll parler to lawgh more at theyr pleasure. These freris somwhat suspected the cause, and quikly, or that the women were ware, lokyd under the borde, and spying[125] that it was an hog, sodenly toke it bytwene them and bare it homeward as fast as they might. The women, seyng that, ran after the frere and cryed: com agayn, maester frere, come agayne, and let it allone. Nay by my faith, quod the frere, he is a broder of ours, and therefore he must nedys be buryed in oure cloyster. And so the frerys gate the hog.
By this ye may se, that they that use to deride and mok other, somtyme it tornyth to theyre owne losse and damage.
FOOTNOTES:
[122] The words in Italics are supplied from conjecture. They are not in orig. or in Singer.
[123] Sacrament.
[124] Prepared, i.e. had made themselves ready.
[125] Orig. reads spyed.
+ Of the parson that sayde masse of requiem for Crystes soul. lxxxi.
+ A certayn prest there was that dwellyd in the cuntry which was not very well lernyd. Therfore on Ester-Euyn he sent his boy to the prest of the next town, that was ii. myle from thens, to know what masse he sholde synge on the morowe. This boy came to the sayd prest, and dyd his maysters errande to hym. Then quod the prest: tel thy mayster that he must * *
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masse he shuld synge on the morowe. By my trothe, quod the boy, I have forgotten it; but he bad me tell you it began * * * * Then quod the prest: I trowe thou sayest trewth: for now I remember me it is the masse of requiem: for God Almyghty dyed upon Good Fryday, and it is meet we shulde say masse for hys soule.
By thys tale ye may se, that when one fole sendyth another fole on hys errand, hys besynes folyshly sped.
+ Of the herdeman that sayde: ryde apace, ye shall haue rayn. lxxxii.
+ A certayne skoler of Oxenford which had studied the iudicials of astronomy, upon a tyme as he was rydyng by the way, came[126] by a herdman; and he asked thys herdman how far it was to the next town. Syr, quod the herdman, it is rather past a mile and an half; but, sir, quod he, ye nede to ryde apace: for ye shal haue a shower of rayn, or ye com thider. What, quod the skoler, maketh ye say so? There ys no token of rayn: for the cloudes be both fayr and clere. By my troth, quod the herdman, but ye shall fynd it so. The skoler then rode forth, and it chanced or he had ryden half a myle forther, there fell a good showre of rayn and[127] thys skoler was well washyd and wett to the skyn. The skoler then tornyd hym backe, and rode to the herdman, and desyryd hym to tech him that connyng. Nay, quod the herdman, I wyll not tech you my connynge for nought. Then the skoler profferyde hym xl shyllyngs to teche hym that connynge. The herdman, after he had reseyuyd hys money, sayd thus: syr, se you not yonder blacke ewe with the whyte face? Yes, quod the skoler. Suerly, quod the herdman, when she daunsith and holdeth up her tayle, ye shall haue a showre of rayn within half an howre after.[128]
By this ye may se, that the connyng of herdmen and shepardes, as touchinge alteracyons of weders, is more sure than the iudicials of astronomy.
FOOTNOTES:
[126] Orig. reads which came.
[127] Singer's conjectural reading is that; but and seems to me to be the word required.
+ Of hym that sayde: I shall haue nener a peny. lxxxiii.
+ In a certayne towne, there was a rych man that lay on his deth bed at poynte of deth, whyche chargyd hys executours to dele[129] for hys soule a certayne some of money in pence, and on thys condicion chargyd them as they would answere afore God, that euery pore man that cam to them and told a trew tale shulde haue a peny, and they that said a fals thing shuld haue none; and in the dole-tyme there cam one whych sayd that God was a good man. Quod the executours: thou shalt haue a peny, for thou saist trouth. Anone came a nother and said, the deuil was a good man. Quod the executours: there thou lyest; therefore thou shalt haue nere a peny. At laste came on[e] to the executors and said thus: ye shall gyue me nere a peny: which wordes made the executors amasyd, and toke aduysment whyther they shuld * * * *
The end of this tale is wanting.
FOOTNOTES:
[128] See Scoggin's Jests(reprint 1795), p. 47.
[129] Count out.
+ Of the husbande that sayde hys wyfe and he agreed well. lxxxiv.
Too imperfect to decypher.
+ Of the prest that sayde Comede episcope. lxxxv.
+ In the tyme of visitacyon a bysshoppe, whiche was maryed[130] and had gote many chyldren, prepared to questyon a preest what rule he kepte, whiche preest had a leman * * * * * and by her had two or thre small chyldren. In shorte tyme before the Bysshoppes commynge, he prepared a rowme to hyde his leman and children ouer in the rofe of his hall; and whan the bysshoppe was come and discoursing with him in the same hall, hauynge x of his owne chyldren about him, the preest, who coude speke lytell lytyn or none, bad the bysshoppe in latyn * * * * Comede,[131] episcope. This woman in rofe of the house, hearing the preest say so, had went[132] he had called her, byddynge her: come, Ede; and answered him and sayde: shall I brynge my chyldren with me also? The bysshoppe, hearing this, sayde in sporte: vxor tua sicut vitis abundans in lateribus domus tuae. The preest than, halfe amasyd, answerd and sayd: filii tui sicut nouellae oliuarum in circuitu mensae tuae.
By this ye may se, that they, that have but small lernyng, som tyme speke truely unaduysed.
FOOTNOTES:
[130] These two words are not in orig. or in Singer; but they seem to be what the context requires.
+ Of the woman that stale the pot. lxxxvi.
+ On Ashe Wednesday in the mornynge, was a curate of a churche whyche had made good chere the nyght afore and sytten up late, and came to the churche to here confessyon, to whome there came a woman; and among other thynges she confessed her that she had stolen a potte. But than, because of greate watche that this preest had, he there sodenly felle aslepe; and whan this woman sawe him nat wyllynge to here her, she rose and went her waye. And anone an other woman kneled down to the same preest and began to say: Benedicite; wherwith this preest sodenly awaked, and wenynge she had ben the other woman,[133] sayd all angerly, what! arte thou nowe at Benedicite agayne? tell me, what dyddest thou whan thou haddest stolyn the potte?
FOOTNOTES:
[131] Orig. reads Comode.
[132] Weened.
+ Of mayster Whyttynton dreme.[134] lxxxvii.
+ Sone after one maister Whyttynton had bylded a colege, on a nyght as he slepte, he dremed that he satte in his church and many folkes there also; and further he dremed that he sawe Our Lady in the same church with a glas of goodly oyntemente in her hande goynge to one askynge him what he had done for her sake; which sayd that he had sayd Our Ladyes sauter[135] euery daye: wherfore she gaue him a lytel of the oyle. And anone she wente to another. * * *
Several lines wanting.
he had buylded a great college, and was very gladde in hys mynde. Whan that Oure Ladye cam to hym, she asked him what he hadde suffred for her sake, this questyon made him greatly abashed, because he had nothing to answer; wherefore Our Lady him informed that for all the great dede of buyldynge of a colege he must haue no parte of that goodly oyntemente.
By this ye may perceue, that to suffre for Goddes sake is more acceptable to God than to buyld or gyue great goodes.
FOOTNOTES:
[133] Orig. reads and after woman.
[134] The celebrated Sir Richard Whittington. In his If you know Not me you know No Body, Part ii. 1606, Heywood introduces the following dialogue respecting Whittington between Dean Nowell and Old Hobson, the haberdasher of the Poultry:—
"Dr. Now. This Sir Richard Whittington, three times Mayor, Son to a knight, and 'prentice to a mercer, Began the library of Gray-friars in London, And his executors after him did build Whittington College, thirteen almshouses for poor men, Repair'd Saint Bartholomew's, in Smithfield, Glared the Guildhall, and built Newgate.
Hob. Bones a me, then, I have heard lies; For I have heard he was a scullion, And rais'd himself by venture of a cat.
Dr. Now. They did the more wrong to the gentleman."
[135] Psalter.
+ Of the prest that killed his horse called modicus. lxxxviii.
+ A certayne Bysshoppe appoynted to go on visytacion to a preeste's; and, bycause he would haue the preest do but lyttel coste vpon him, he told him to prepare but lytell meate saying thus: Preparas * * * * * modicus. This preest whyche understode hym nat halfe well, had some desire,[136] wherfore he thoughte to obtayne the bysshoppes fauour; and therfore againste the bysshoppes comynge kylled his horse that was called Modicus, whereof the bysshoppe and his seruauntes ete parte; whiche, whan the bysshoppe knewe afterwarde, was greatly displeased.
By this ye may se, that many a fole dothe moche coste in makyng good chere at dyners, whiche bathe but lytell thanke for his laboure.
FOOTNOTES:
[136] Wanting in orig. and left blank by Singer. I have supplied them from conjecture.
+ Of the Welcheman that stale the Englysshmans cocke. lxxxix.
+ A Welcheman dwellynge in Englande fortuned to stele an Englysshemans cocke, and set it on the fyre to sethe; wherefore thys Englysheman, suspecting the Welcheman, came to his house, and sawe the cocke sethyng on the fyre and said to the Welcheman thus: syr, this is my cocke. Mary, quod the Welcheman; and if it be thyne, thou shalte haue thy parte of it. Nay, quod the Englyssheman, that is nat ynoughe. By cottes blut and her nayle! quod the Welcheman, if her be nat ynoughe nowe, her will be ynoughe anone: for her hath a good fyre under her.
+ Of hym that brought a botell to a preste. xc.
+ Certayne vycars[137] of Poules, disposed to be mery on a Sonday at hye masse tyme, sente another madde felowe of theyr acquointance unto a folysshe dronken preest to gyue hym a bottell, whiche man met with the preest upon the toppe of the stayres by the chauncell dore, and spake to him and sayd thus: syr, my mayster hath sente you a bottell to put your drynke in, because he can kepe none in your braynes. This preest, therwith beynge very angry, all sodenly toke the bottell, and with his fote flange it downe into the body of the churche upon the gentylmans hede.[138]
FOOTNOTES:
[137] Priests.
+ Of the endytement of Jesu of Nazareth. xci.
+ A certayne Jury in the countye of Myddelsex was enpaneled for the kynge to enquere of all endytements, murders, and felonyes. The persones of this panell were folyshe, couetous and unlerned: for who so euer wolde gyue them a grote, they wolde affyne and verifye his byll, whether it were true or fals, withoute any profe or euydence; wherefore one that was * * * *
Some lines wanting.
the Jury loking on the grote and nothing on the byll as was their costome, which byll whan it was presented into the courte, the judge said openly before all the people: lo! syrs, here is the straungest byll euer presented by an enquest: for here they haue indyted Jesu of Nazareth for stelyng of an asse. Which whan the people harde it, it made them all to laughe, and to wonder at the folysshenes and shamefull periury of the Jury.
By this ye may se, it is great parell[139] to enpanell men upon an enquest, whiche be folysshe and haue but small witte or honesty.
FOOTNOTES:
[138] Orig. reads gentylmens.
+ Of the frere that preched agaynst them that rode on the Sonday. xcii.
+ In a certayne parryshe, a frere preched and said moche againt them, that rode on the Sonday euer lokyng upon one that was there, spurred redy to ryde. This man, perceuyng that the frere loked at hym, sodenly halfe in angre answered the frere thus: I meruayle that ye say so moche agaynste them that ryde on the Sonday: for Christe rode into Jerusalem on Palme Sonday, as thou knowest well it is wrytten * * * To whome the frere sodenly answered and sayd thus: but knowe ye not also what came thereof? Was he nat hanged on the Fryday after! Whiche hearing all them that were in the churche fell on laughynge.
FOOTNOTES:
[139] Peril.
+ Of the one broder that founde a purs. xciii.
+ There was a certayne man that had two sonnes unlyke eche other. For the eldyst was lustye and quycke, and vsed moche betimes to walke into the fyldes. Than was the yonger slowe, and vsed moche to lye in his bed as long as he myght. So on a day the elder, as he was vsed, rose erly and walked into the fyldes; and there by fortune he founde a purse of money, and brought it home to his father. His father, whan he had it, wente strayght to hys other sonne yet lyenge than in his bed and sayd to him: o thou slogarde, quod he, seyst thou nat thyne eldest brother, howe he by hys erly rysyng had founde a purse with money whereby we shall be greatly holpen all our lyfe, whyle thou sluggynge in thy bedde dost no[140] good but slepe? He than wyst nat what to say, but answered shortly and said: father, quod he, if he that hathe loste the purse and money had lyne in hys bedde that same tyme that he loste it, as I do nowe, my brother had founde no purse nor money to day.
By this ye may se, that they that be accustomed in vyce and synne will alwaye fynde one excuse or other to cloke therewyth theyr vyce and vnthryftynes.
FOOTNOTES:
[140] Orig. reads thou sluggynge in thy bedde dost thou no good, which repetition of thou seems unnecessary.
+ Of the answere of the mastres to the mayde. xciv.
+ A certayne wyfe there was, whiche was somwhat fayre, and, as all women be that be fayre, was somwhat proude of her beautye; and as she and her mayde satte together, she, as one that was desyrous to be praysed, sayd to her thus: I, faythe, Jone, howe thynkest thou? am I nat a fayre wyfe? Yes, by my trouth, maistres, quod she, ye be the fayrest that euer was excepte * * *
The end is wanting.
+ Of the northern man that was all harte. xcv.
Of this tale but a small fragment remains.
+ Of the burnynge of olde John. xcvi.
+ In a certayne towne there was a wife somewhat aged, that had beryed her husbande, whose name was John, whome she so tenderlye loued in his lyfe, that after hys dethe she caused an ymage of tymber to be made in forme and persone as lyke to hym as coulde be; whiche ymage she kept carefully under her bedde; and euery nyghte she caused her mayde to wrap the ymage in a shete and lay it in her bedde; and called it olde John. Thys widowe had a prentyse whose name was John; whiche John wolde fayne haue married hys maystres, nat for no great pleasure, but onely for her good substance: for she was ryche. Wherefore he ymagened howe he myght obtayne hys desire and so dyd speke to the mayde of the house, and desyred her to lay hym in hys maystres bedde for one nyghte in stede of the pycture,[141] and promysed her a good rewarde for her laboure; whyche mayde ouer nyghte wrapped the sayde younge man in a shete, and layde hym in his maysters bedde, as she was wonte to laye the pycture. Thys wydowe was wonte euery nyght, before she slepte and dyuers tymes whan she waked, to kysse the sayde pycture of olde John: wherefore the sayde nyghte she kyssed the sayde yonge man, beleuynge that she hadde kyste the picture. And he sodenly sterte,[142] and toke her in his armes, and so well pleased her than, that olde John from thens forth was clene out of her mynde, and [she] was contente that this yonge John shulde lye with her styll all that nyghte, and that the pycture of olde John shulde lye styll under the bedde for a thynge of noughte. After thys in the mornynge, thys wydowe, intendynge to please this yonge John whyche had made her so good pastyme all the nyght, bad her mayde go dresse some good mete for their brekefast to feaste therwith her yonge John. This mayde, whan she had longe sought for wode to dresse the sayde mete, told her maystres that she coude fynde no wode that was drye, except onelye the pycture of olde John that lyeth under the bed. * * * * * * * *
Some lines wanting.
and dressyd the brekfast; and so olde John was brenyd; and from thens forth yong John occupyed his place.
FOOTNOTES:
[141] Not here put as a painting, but in a general sense, as a representation.
[142] The old perfect of start. The orig. reads starte.
+ Of the courtear that ete the hot custarde. xcvii.
+ A certayne merchaunt and a courtear, being upon a time together at dyner hauing a hote custerd, the courtear being somwhat homely of maner toke parte of it and put it in hys mouth, whych was so hote that made him shed teares. The merchaunt, lokyng on him, thought that he had ben weeping, and asked hym why he wept. This curtear, not wyllynge [it] to be known that he had brent his mouth with the hote custerd, answered and said, sir: quod he, I had a brother whych dyd a certayn offence wherfore he was hanged; and, chauncing to think now vppon his deth, it maketh me to wepe. This merchaunt thought the courtear had said trew, and anon after the merchaunt was disposid to ete of the custerd, and put a sponefull of it in his mouth, and brent his mouth also, that his eyes watered. This courtear, that perceuyng, spake to the merchaunt and seyd: sir, quod he, pray why do ye wepe now? The merchaunt perseyued how he had bene deceiued and said[143]: mary, quod he, I wepe, because thou wast not hangid, when that thy brother was hangyd.
+ Of the thre pointes belonging to a shrewd wyfe. xcix.
+ A yong man, that was desirous to haue a wyf, cam to a company of Philosofers which were gadred to gider, requiring them to gif him their opinion howe he might chose him sich a wyf that wer no shrew. These Philosofers with gret study and delyberacion determinid and shewd this man that there were iii especial pointes, wherebi he shuld sure know if a woman were a shrew. The i point is that if a woman have a shril voyce, it is a gret token that she is a shrew. The ii point is that, if a woman have a sharp nose, then most commenly she is a shrew. The iii point that neuer doth mis is[144] that if she were [a] kerchefer,[145] ye may be sure she is a shrew.
FOOTNOTES:
[143] Singer inserts answered before and said; but the word does not appear to be required.
+ Of the man that paynted the lamb upon his wyfes bely. c.
+ A Conning painter ther was dwelling in London, which had a fayre yong wife, and for thingis that he had to do went ouer se; but because he was somwhat jelous, he praed his wyfe to be content, that he might paint a lamb upon her bely, and praed her it might remain ther, til he cam home again; wherewith she was content. After which lamb so painted he departid; and sone after that, a lusti yong merchaunt, a bacheler, came and woed his wyf, and obteined her fauor, so that she was content he shuld lye with her; which resortid to her and had his plesure oftymes; and on a time he toke a pensell, and to the lamb he painted ii hornys, wening to the wif that he had but refreshed the old painting. Than at the last, about a yere after, her husband cam home again, and the first night he lay with his wyfe, he loked uppon his wifes bely, and saw the ii hornes painted there. He said to his wif, that some other body had ben besy there, and made a new painting: for the picture that he painted had no hornes and this hath hornes; to whome this wif shortly * * * *
cetera desunt.
Here endeth the booke of a C. mery Talys. Imprinted at London at the sygne of the meremayde at powlys gate nexte to chepesyde.
+ Cum priuelegio Regali.
FOOTNOTES:
[144] Orig. reads the iii point is that never mis that, &c.
[145] A very costly article of female dress during the reigns of the Tudor and Stuart sovereigns. It constituted part of the head-gear, and from the way in which it was worn by some women, was calculated to convey a notion of skittishness. In the New Courtly Sonet of the Lady Greensleeves, printed in Robinson's "Handful of Pleasant Delites," 1584, the lover is made to say to his mistress:—
"I bought three kerchers to thy head, That were wrought fine and gallantly: I kept thee both at board and bed, Which cost my purse well-favourdly."
ADDITIONAL NOTES AND ILLUSTRATIONS.
A C. MERY TALYS.
Introduction, vi.—I might have mentioned that Taylor the Water-Poet cites The Hundred Merry Tales as one of the authorities employed by him in the composition of his Sir Gregory Nonsense His Newes from No Place, 1622 (Taylor's Works, 1630), and see also Epistle Dedicatory to Meredith's Eusebius, 1577.
P. 19.—This story is found in the Ducento Novelle of Celio Malespini, printed at Venice, 1609, 4o.
P. 22. Of the Woman that sayd her Woer cam too late.
"If thou be slow to speake, as one I knew, Thou wouldst assure thy selfe my counsels true; Hee (too late) finding her upon her knees In Church, where yet her husbands coorse she sees, Hearing the Sermon at his funerall, Longing to behold his buriall, This sutor being toucht with inward love, Approached neare his lovely sute to move, Then stooping downe he whispered in her eare Saying he bore her love, as might appeare, In that so soone he shewed his love unto her, Before any else did app[r]och to woo her, Alass (said she) your labour is in vaine, Last night a husband I did entertaine."
—Uncasing of Machivils Instructions to his Sonne, 1612, Sign. C 3. Stories of this kind are of very common occurrence in the modern collections of facetiae.
P. 23. "When Davie Diker diggs, and dallies not, When smithes shoo horses, as they would be shod, When millers toll not with a golden thumbe."
—The Steel Glas, a Satyre, by George Gascoigne, Esquire (1576), Sign. H 3 verso.
A writer in the Retrospective Review, New Series, ii. 326, states that this story of the "Miller with the golden thumb" "is still (1854) a favourite in Yorkshire."
P. 30. Stumble at a Straw, &c.—This proverb is quoted in Machivils Instructions to his Sonne, 1613, p. 16.
P. 35. Of the good man that sayd to his wyfe. &c.
"Dr. South, visiting a gentleman one morning, was ask'd to stay Dinner, which he accepted of; the Gentleman stept into the next Room and told his Wife, and desired she'd provide something extraordinary. Hereupon she began to murmer and scold, and make a thousand Words; till at length, Her husband, provok'd at her Behaviour, protested, that if it was not for the Stranger in the next Room, he would kick her out of Doors. Upon which the Doctor, who heard all that passed, immediately stept out, crying, I beg, Sir, you'll make no Stranger of me."
—Complete London Jester, ed. 1771, p. 73.
P. 44. Draughthole.—See Dekker's Guls' Horn Book, 1609, ed. Nott, p. 121-2-3.
P. 47. Saynte Thomas of Acres.
"A the Austen fryers They count us for lyers: And at Saynt Thomas of Akers They carpe us lyke crakers."
—Skelton's Colin Clout (Works, ed. Dyce, i. 357).
This tale is imitated in Hobson's Conceits.
P. 60. Of the gentylman, that promysed the scoler of Oxforde a sarcenet typet—Sarcenet, at the period to which this story refers, was a material which only certain persons were allowed to wear. See Nicolas' note to a passage in the Privy Purse Expenses of Elizabeth of York, p. 220. This jest is transplanted by Johnson, with very little alteration, into the Pleasant Conceits of Old Hobson, 1607.
P. 78. Therefore I pray thee, teche me my Pater noster, and by my truthe, I shall therfore teche thee a songe of Robyn Hode that shall be worth xx of it!
The following passage from a poem, which has been sometimes ascribed to Skelton, is a curious illustration of this paragraph:—
Thus these sysmatickes, And lowsy lunatickes, With spurres and prickes Call true men heretickes. They finger their fidles, And cry in quinibles, Away these bibles, For they be but ridles! And give them Robyn Whode, To red howe he stode In mery grene wode, When he gathered good, Before Noyes ffloodd!
The Image of Ipocrysy, Part iii.
P. 84. Of the wyfe that bad, &c.
Of swearing between a wyfe and her husband.
"Cis, by this candle in my sleep I thought One told me of thy body thou wert nought. Good husband, he that told you ly'd, she said, And swearing, laid her hand upon the bread. Then eat the bread, quoth he, that I may deem That fancie false, that true to me did seem. Nay, sir, said she, the matter well to handle, Since you swore first, you first shall eat the candle."
Wits Interpreter, the English Parnassus, By John Cotgrave, 1662, p. 286.
P. 87. Of the man that had the dome wyfe.
"A certain man, as fortune fel, A woman tungles wedded to wive, Whose frowning countenance perceivig by live Til he might know what she ment he thought long, And wished ful oft she had a tung. The devil was redy, and appeered anon, An aspin lefe he bid the man take, And in her mouth should put but one, A tung, said the devil, it shall her make; Til he had doon his hed did ake; Leaves he gathered, and took plentie, And in her mouth put two or three. Within a while the medicine wrought: The man could tarry no longer time, But wakened her, to the end he mought The vertue knowe of the medicine; The first woord she spake to him She said: 'thou whoresonne knave and theef, How durst thou waken me, with a mischeef!' From that day forward she never ceased. Her boistrous bable greeved him sore: The devil he met, and him entreated To make her tungles, as she was before; 'Not so,' said the devil, 'I will meddle no more. A devil a woman to speak may constrain, But all that in hel be, cannot let it again.'"
Schole-house of Women, 1542 (Utterson's Select Pieces of Early Popular Poetry, ii. 74).
P. 89. Of the Proctour of Arches that had the lytel wyfe.
"One ask'd his Friend, why he, so proper a Man himself, marry'd so small a Wyfe? Why, said he, I thought you had known, that of all evils we should chuse the least."—Complete London Jester, ed. 1771, p. 65.
P. 92. Of him that wolde gette, &c.
In the Scholehouse of Women, 1542, the same story is differently related:—
"A husband man, having good trust His wife to him bad be agreeable, Thought to attempt if she had be reformable, Bad her take the pot, that sod over the fire, And set it aboove upon the astire. She answered him: 'I hold thee mad, And I more fool, by Saint Martine; Thy dinner is redy, as thou me bad, And time it were that thou shouldst dine, And thou wilt not, I will go to mine.' 'I bid thee (said he) vere up the pot.' 'A ha! (she said) I trow thou dote,' Up she goeth for fear, at last, No question mooved where it should stand Upon his hed the pottage she cast, And heeld the pot stil in her hand. Said and swore, he might her trust, She would with the pottage do what her lust."
As this story in the C. Mery Talys is defective in consequence of the mutilation of the only known copy, the foregoing extract becomes valuable, as it exhibits what was probably the sequel in the prose version, from which the author of the Scholehouse of Women was no doubt a borrower.
P. 101. If a thousande soules may dance on a mannes nayle.—This is a different form of the common saying that a thousand angels can stand on the point of the needle. "One querying another, whether a thousand angels might stand on the point of a needle, another replied, 'That was a needles point.'"—Ward's Diary, ed. 1839, p. 94.
P. 106. Scot, in his Discovery of Witchcraft, 1584, ed. 1651, p. 191, has a story, which bears the mark of being the same as the one here entitled "Of the parson that stale the mylner's elys." The passage in Scot, which may help to supply the unfortunate lacuna in the C. Mery Talys, is as follows:—
"So it was, that a certain Sir John, with some of his company, once went abroad jetting, and in a moon-light evening, robbed a miller's weire and stole all his eeles. The poor miller made his mone to Sir John himself, who willed him to be quiet; for he would so curse the theef, and all his confederates, with bell, book, and candel, that they should have small joy of their fish. And therefore the next Sunday, Sir John got him to the pulpit, with his surplisse on his back, and his stole about his neck, and pronounced these words following in the audience of the people:—
'All you that have stolne the millers eeles, Laudate Dominum de coelis, And all they that have consented thereto, Benedicamus Domino.'
Lo (saith he), there is savoe for your eeles, my masters."
P. 108. Of the parson that sayde masse of requiem, &c.—This story is also in Scoggin's Jests, 1626, and perhaps the lacunae may be supplied from that source. Thus (the words supplied from Scoggin's Jests are in italics):—
"Then quod the prest: tel thy mayster that he must say the Masse which doth begin with a great R. [when the boy returned, the Prest asked him whether the Parson had told him what] masse, &c."
And again, a line or two lower down, there can be no doubt, on a comparison of Scoggin's Jests, p. 74, what the missing words are. We ought to read:—"but he had me tell you it began with a great R."
+ Tales, and quicke
answers, very mery,
and pleasant to
rede.
Mery
Tales, Wittie
Questions
and Quicke Answeres,
Very pleasant to be Readde.
IMPRINTED
_at London
in Fleete strete, by_
H. Wykes.
1567.
The Table.
PAGE
+ Of hym that rode out of London, and had his seruaunt folowynge hym on foote. i. 15
+ Of hym that preached on saynte Christofers day. ii. 16
+ Of the frenche man that stroue with the Fanwaye for his armes. iii. ib.
+ Of the curate that sayde our lorde fedde fyue hundred persones. iiii. 17
+ Of hym that profered his doughter to one in maryage. v. 18
+ Of the men of the countrey, that came to London to bye a crucifixe of wodde. vi. ib.
+ Of hym that folowed his wyfe to buryeng. vii. 19
+ Of hym that felle in to the fyre. viii. ib.
+ Of hym that used to calle his seruaunte the kynge of fooles. ix. 20
+ Of the yonge woman, that sorowed so greatly the deathe of her husbande. x. 21
+ Of hym that kyssed the fayre mayde with the longe nose. xi. ib.
+ Of the uplandysshe mans answere concernyng the steple and pulpytte. xii. 23
+ Of the beggers aunswere to mayster Skelton the poete. xiii. ib.
+ Of the chaplen that sayde our ladye mattens lyenge in his bedde. xiiii. 24
+ Of hym that loste his purse in London. xv. 25
+ Of the marchaunt that loste his boudget betwene ware and London. xvi. 26
+ Of him that was called kockold. xvii. 27
+ Of the iolus man. xviii. 28
+ Of the fat woman that sat and solde frute. xix. ib.
+ Of a poller that begyled a preste. xx. 29
+ Of Papirius pretextatus. xxi. 31
+ Of the corrupte man of lawe. xxii. 33
+ Of kynge Lowes of Fraunce and the husbandman Conon. xxiii. 34
+ Of a picke thanke, that thought to begyle the same moste prudent kynge. xxiiii. 37
+ Of Thales the great astronomer, the whiche felle in to a ditche. xxv. 38
+ Of the astronomer that theues robbed. xxvi. 39
+ Of the plough man that wolde saye his pater noster with a stedfast mynde. xxvii. ib.
+ Of him that dreamed he founde golde. xxviii. 40
+ Of the crakynge yonge gentyll man that wolde ouerthrowe his enemys a myle of. xxix. 42
+ Of him that fell of a tre and brake a rybbe in his syde. xxx. 44
+ Of the fryer that brayed in his sermon. 45
+ The oration of th ambassadour that was sent to Pope Urban. xxxii. 46
+ Of the ambassadour that was sent to the prince Agis. xxxiii. 47
+ The answere of Cleomenes to the Samiens ambassadour. xxxiiii. ib.
+ Of the wyse man Piso, and his seruant. xxxv. 48
+ Of the marchant that made a wager with his lorde. xxxvi. 49
+ Of the scrowes that the frier gaue out against the pestilence. xxxvii. 51
+ Of the physition that used to wryte bylles ouer nyght called resceytes. xxxviii. 52
+ Of him that wolde confesse him by a lybell in wrytynge. xxxix. 53
+ Of the hermite of Padowe. xl. 54
+ Of the uplandissh man that saw the kyng. xli. 56
+ Of the courtier that bade the boye to holde his horse. xlii. 57
+ Of the deceytfull scriuener. xliii. ib.
+ Of him that sayde he beleved his wyfe better than other, that she was chaste. xliiii. 59
+ Of him that paid his det with cryeng bea. xlv. 60
+ Of the woman that appeled from kynge Philip to kynge Philip. xlvi. 62
+ Of the olde woman that prayd for the welfare of the tyran Denyse. xlvii. 63
+ Of the phisitian Eumonus. xlviii. 64
+ Of Socrates and his scoldynge wyfe. xlix. 65
+ Of the phisitian that bare his pacient on hand he had eaten an asse. l. ib.
+ Of the inholders wyfe, and her ii louers. li. 67
+ Of hym that healed franticke men. lii. 68
+ Of hym that sayd he was nat worthy to open the gate to the kynge. liii. 70
+ Of Mayster Uauasour and Turpyn his manne. liiii. ib.
+ Of hym that sought his wyfe, that was drowned, agaynst the streme. lv. 72
+ Of hym that at a skyrmyssh defended hym valiauntly with his feete. lvi. 73
+ Of hym that wolde gyue a songe to the tauerner for his dyner. lvii. 74
+ Of the foole that thought him selfe deed, whan he was a lyue. lviii. 75
+ Of the olde man and his sonne that brought his asse to the towne to sylle. lix. 78
+ Of him that sought his asse, and rode upon his backe. lx. 80
+ The answere of Fabius to Liuius. lxi. 81
+ The answere of Poltis the kynge of Trace to the Troyan ambassadours. lxii. 82
+ The wyse answere of Haniball to kynge Antiochus concerninge his ryche army. lxiii. 83
+ The wordes of Popilius the Romayn ambassadour to Antiochus the kynge. lxiiii. ib.
+ Of hym that loued the marchantes wyfe. lxv. 84
+ Of the woman that couered her heed, and shewed up her tayle. lxvi. 86
+ How Alexander was monisshed to slee the firste that he mette. lxvii. ib.
+ How the aunciente cyte of Lamsac was saued from destruction. lxviii. 87
+ Howe Demosthenes defended a mayde. lxix. 88
+ Of him that desyred to be a gentylman. lxx. 89
+ Of the gentyllman and his shrewd wife. lxxi. 90
+ Of the two yonge men that rode to Walsyngham to gether. lxxii. 91
+ Of the yong man of Brugis and his spouse. lxxiii. 92
+ Of him that made as he hadde ben a chaste lyuer. lxxiiii. 93
+ Of him that the olde roode fell on. lxxv. 94
+ Of the wydowe that wolde not wedde for bodily pleasure. lxxvi. 95
+ Of the couetous ambassadour, that wolde here no musike for sparinge of his purse. lxxvii. ib.
+ Howe Denyse the tyran of Syracuse serued a couetouse man. lxxix. 97
+ Of the old man that quyngered the boy oute of the aple tre with stones. lxxx. 98
+ Of the ryche man that was sycke and wolde not receyue a glyster. lxxxi. 99
+ Of him that feyned him selfe deed, to proue what his wyfe wolde do. lxxxii. ib.
+ Of the poure man, in to whose house theues brake by nyght. lxxxiii. 101
+ Of him that shulde haue ben hanged for his scoffinge and his iestynge. lxxxiiii. ib.
+ Of him that had his goose stole. lxxxv. 102
+ Of the begger that sayde he was of kynne to kynge Phylip of Macedone. lxxxvi. 103
+ Of Dantes answere to the iester. lxxxvii. ib.
+ Of hym that had sore eies. lxxxviii. 104
+ Of the olde woman that had sore eies. lxxxix. 105
+ Of hym that had the custody of a warde. xc. 106
+ Of the excellente peynter, that hadde foule chyldren. xci. ib.
+ Of the scoffer that made one a southsayer. xcii. 107
+ Of the marchant of Florence, Charles. xciii. ib.
+ Of the chesshire man called Eulyn. xciiii. 108
+ Of hym that desyred to be sette vpon the pyllorye. xcv. 109
+ Of the wydowes daughter, that was sente to the abbot with a couple of capons. xcvi. 111
+ Of the two men that dranke a pynte of whyte wyne to gether. xcvii. 112
+ Of the doctour that desyred to go with a fouler to catche byrdes. xcviii. 114
+ Of hym that undertoke to teache an asse to spelle and rede. xcix. 115
+ Of the fryer that confessed the fayre woman. c. 116
+ Of the chapplen of Louen called syr Antonye that deceyued an vserer. ci. 118
+ Of the same chaplen and his spiter. cii. 119
+ Of the olde manne that putte hym selfe in his sonnes handes. ciii. 121
+ Of hym that had a flye peynted in his shilde. ciiii. 122
+ Of the emperour Augustus and the olde men. cv. 123
+ Of Phocions oration to the Atheniens. cvi. ib.
+ Of Demosthenes and Phocion. cvii. 124
+ Of the aunswere of Phocion to them that brought hym a great gyfte from Alexander. cviii. ib.
+ Of Denyse the tyran and his sonne. cix. 125
+ Of Pomponius the Romayne that was taken and brought before Mithridates. cx. ib.
+ Of Titus and the scoffer. cxi. 126
+ Of Scipio Nasica, and Ennius the poete. cxii. ib.
+ Of Fabius Minutius and his sonne. cxiii. 127
+ Of Aurelian the emperour, that was displeased, bycause the citie Tyana was closed agaynste him. cxiiii. 128
+ Of the Nunne forced that durst not crie. cxv. 129
+ Of him that sayde he was the Diuelles man. cxvi. ib.
+ Of the vplandishe priest, that preached of Charitie. cxvii. 130
+ An other sayinge of the same preest. cxviii. 131
+ Of the fryer that praysed sainct Frauncis. cxix. 133
+ Of hym that warned his wife of wasshynge her face in foule puddell water. cxx. ib.
+ Of the husband man that caused his iudge to geue sentence agaynst him selfe. cxxi. 134
+ Of the Italian frier that shoulde preach before the B. of Rome and his cardinals. cxxii. ib.
+ Of the doctour that sayd, in Erasmus workes were heresies. cxxiii. 136
+ Of the frier that preached at Paules crosse agaynst Erasmus. cxxiiii. 137
+ Of an other frier that taxed Erasmus for writyng Germana theologia. cxxv. 138
+ Of an other that inueighed agaynst the same Erasmus. cxxvi. ib.
+ Of kyng Richarde the iii. and the Northern man. cxxvii. 139
+ Of the Canon and his man. cxxviii. 140
+ Of the same Canon and his sayd man. cxxix. ib.
+ Of the gentilman that checked hys seruant for talke of ryngyng. cxxx. 141
+ Of the blynde man and his boye. cxxxi. 142
+ Of him that sold two lodes of hey. cxxxii. ib.
+ How a mery man deuised to cal people to a playe. cxxxiii. 145
+ How the image of the dyuell was lost and sought. cxxxiiii. 148
+ Of Tachas, kyng of Aegypt, and Agesilaus. cxxxv. 149
+ Of Corar the Rhetorician, and Tisias hys scoler. cxxxvi. 150
+ Of Augustus and Athenodorus the Phylosopher. cxxxvii. 151
+ Of the frenche kyng and the brome seller. cxxxviii. 152
+ An other tale of the same frenche kyng. cxxxix. 153
+ What an Italyan fryer dyd in his preaching. cxl. 155
TALES
AND
QUICKE ANSWERES.
+ Of hym that rode out of London and had his seruaunt folowynge on foote. i.
+ There was a manne on a tyme that rode v myle out of London, and had his seruaunt folowyng after hym on fote, the whiche came so nere, that the horse strake hym a great stroke vpon the thye. The seruaunte, thynkynge to be reuenged, toke and threwe a great stone at the horse, and hytte his mayster on the raynes of the backe, who thought it had bene his horse. He within a whyle loked backe and chydde his seruaunte, bycause he came haltynge so farre behynde. The seruaunt aunswered: Sir, your horse hath gyuen me suche a stroke vpon my thygh, that I can go no faster. Trewely, sayde his mayster, the horse is a great kyckar, for lyke-wyse with his hele right nowe[146] he gaue me a great stroke vpon the raynes of my backe.
+ Of hym that preched on saynt Chrystophers day. ii.
+ A fryere that preached vpon a saynt Christofers daye, greatly laudynge saynte Christopher, sayde: what a prerogatyue hadde he here in erthe in his armes to beare our Sauioure! was there euer any lyke hym in grace? A homely blount felowe, heryng hym aske twyse or thryse that question so ernestly, answered: yes, mary: the asse that bare both hym and his mother.
+ Of the frenche man, that stroue with the Janway for his armes. iii.
+ There was one amonge the Janwayes[147] that the Frenche kyng had hyred to make warre agaynst the Englysshe men, which bare an oxe heed paynted in his shelde: the whiche shelde a noble man of France challenged: and so longe they stroue, that they must needs fyght for it. So, at a day and place appoynted, the frenche gallaunt came into the felde, rychely armed at all peces.[148] The Janway all vnarmed came also in to the felde, and said to the frenche man: wherfore shall we this day fyght? Mary, sayd the frenche man, I wyll make good with my body, that these armes were myne auncetours' before thyne. What were your auncetours' armes, quod the Janwaye? An oxe heed, sayd the frenche man. Than, sayde the Janwaye, here needeth no batayle: for this that I beare is a cowes heed.
By thys tale ye perceyue howe nycely the vayne braggynge of the frenche man was deryded.
FOOTNOTES:
[146] Just now.
[147] The Genoese.
+ Of the curate that sayde our Lorde fedde U. C. persons. iiii.
+ A certayne curate, preachynge on a tyme to his parysshens sayde, that our Lorde with fyue loues fedde v hundred persones. The clerke, herynge hym fayle,[149] sayde softely in his eare: Sir, ye erre; the gospell is v. thousande. Holde thy peace, foole, said the curate; they wyll scantly beleue, that they were fyue hundred.
FOOTNOTES:
[148] At all points.
[149] Make a mistake.
+ Of hym that profered his doughter in mariage. v.
+ There was a man vpon a tyme, whiche profered his doughter to a yonge man in mariage, the which yonge manne refused her, sayenge, that she was to yonge to be maryed. I wys, quod her foolysshe father, she is more able than ye wene. For she hath borne iii. children by our parysshe cleeke.
Lo, by this tale ye se, that foles can nat telle what and whan to speake: therfore it were best for them to kepe alway silence.
+ Of them that came to London to bye a Crucifixe. vi.
+ There were certayne men vpon a tyme sent out of a village to London to bye a Crucifixe of wodde. The Caruer that they came to, seynge and herynge by theyr wordes, that they were but folysshe blount felowes, asked them, whether they wolde haue the ymage a lyue or elles deade; whiche question so abasshed them, that they went a syde to deuyse whether[150] was beste. So whan they had spoken priuely to gether, they came to the caruer agayne and said they wold haue the image a lyue: for, if theyr neighbours at home where nat so contente, they myghte lyghtly[151] kylle hym.
FOOTNOTES:
[150] Which of the two.
+ Of hym that folowed his wyfe to buryenge. vii.
+ A man, that wepynge folowed his wyfe to buryenge, rebuked his lyttel sonne, that wente with hym, because he sange, sayenge that he was peuysshe and madde to synge at his mothers buryenge, but he shulde rather be sory and wepe. The chylde answered: father, seynge ye gyue to these prestes money to synge at my mothers buryenge, why be ye angry with me, that aske you nothynge for my syngynge? His father aunswered: the preestes offyce and thyne is nat all one.
By thys tale ye may perceyue that all thynges beseme nat euery body.
+ Of hym that felle into the fyre. viii.
+ A felowe, that was frowarde to his wyfe, vsed to be oute drynkynge many tymes verye late. So on a nyghte he taryed so longe oute, that his wyfe wente to bedde, and badde her mayde make a good fyre, and tarye vp for hym. About xij. of the clocke home he came, and as he stode warmynge him by the fyre his heed was so tottye,[152] that he felle into the fyre. The mayde, seing him fall, ranne vp cryenge to her maistres, and sayd: Alas! my maister is fallen and lyeth longe straughte in the fyre. No force,[153] mayde, said her maistres, let him lye and take his pleasure in his owne house, where so euer him listeth.
FOOTNOTES:
[151] A too literal translation of the French word legierement, which ought here to have been rendered readily, rather than lightly.
+ Of him that vsed to cal his servant the kinge of foles. ix.
+ There was a man that had a dulle lumpisshe felow to his seruant, wherfore he vsed commonly to call him the kinge of fooles. The felow at laste waxed angry in his minde to be alway so called and sayde to his mayster: I wolde that I were the kinge of foles: for then no man coulde compare with me in largenes of kingedome, and also you shulde be my subiect. By this one may perceiue, that to moch of one thing is not good: many one calleth an other fole, and is more fole him selfe.
FOOTNOTES:
[152] Giddy.
[153] No matter.
+ Of the yonge woman that sorowed so greatly her husbondes deth. x.
+ There was a yonge woman, the whiche for her husbande, that laye a dyenge, sorowed oute of all measure, wherfore her father came often to her and sayde: daughter, leaue your mourninge: for I haue prouyded for you a nother husbande, a farre more goodly man. But she did nat onely continue in her sorowe, but also was greatly displeased, that her father made any motion to her of an other husbande. As sone as she had buryed her husbande, and the soule masse was songe, and that they were at dyner, betwene sobbynge and wepynge she rowned[154] her father in the eare, and sayde: father, where is the same yonge man, that ye said shuld be min husbande? Lo, thus may ye se, that women sorowe ryght longe, after theyr husbondes be departed to God.
+ Of him that kissed the mayd with the longe nose. xi.
+ A bablynge gentylman, the whiche on a tyme wolde haue bassed[155] a fayre mayde, that had nat the leest nose, sayde: how shulde I kysse you: youre nose wyll not suffre our lyppes to mete? The mayden, waxinge shamfast and angrye in her mynde (for with his scoffe he a lyttell touched her) answered on this wyse: syr, if ye can not kysse my mouth for my nose, ye may kysse me there as I haue nere a nose.
Ye may by this tale lerne, that it is folye so to scoffe, that youre selfe therby shulde be laughed to scorne agayne. One that is ouer-couetous ought nat to attwite[156] an other of prodigalite. Thou arte her brother (sayd Alcmeon to Adrastus) that slewe her husbande. But he blamed nat Alcmeon for an others faute, but obiected against him his owne. Thou hast with thy hande (sayd he) slayne thin owne mother. It is nat ynough to haue rebukes redie, and to speke vyle wordes agaynst other: for he, that so shuld do, ought to be without any vyce. For of all men, sayth Plutarchus, he ought to be innocent and haue the lyfe vnculpable, that wolde reprehende the fautes of other. The lyttell morall boke[157] sayth: |
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