"Yes," sez I, "and good and holy and tender!"

"Yes indeed!" sez he. And he added, "Speakin' of tenderness, I do hope the beef will be tenderer than it wuz yesterday. I don't believe they have such beef to Coney Island."



CHAPTER ELEVEN

IN WHICH WE RETURN HOME, AND I PERSWAIDE JOSIAH TO BUILD A COTTAGE FOR TIRZAH ANN



CHAPTER ELEVEN

IN WHICH WE RETURN HOME, AND I PERSWAIDE JOSIAH TO BUILD A COTTAGE FOR TIRZAH ANN

The next afternoon Faith started on her visit to her aunt beyend Kingston. And immegiately after her departure, Josiah said he'd got to go home right away. Sez he, "It hain't right to leave Ury to bear all the brunt of the work alone."

Sez I, "Ury has got over the hardest of the work, and writ so."

"Well," sez he, "I'm a deacon and I can't bear the thought of religious interests languishin' for my help."

Sez I, "Seven folks wuz baptized last Sunday: the meetin' house wuz never so prosperous."

And then he went on and said political ties wuz drawin' him, and he brung up fatherly feelin's for the children, and cuttin' up burdocks, and buildin' stun walls, and etcetery. But bein' met with plain Common Sense in front of all these things, he bust out at last with the true reason: "I hain't no more money to spend here, and I tell you so, Samantha, and I mean it!"

And I sez, "Why didn't you say so in the first place, it would have been more noble."

And he said a man didn't care much about bein' noble when they'd got down to their last cent (he's got plenty of money, though I wouldn't want it told on, for rich folks are always imposed upon, and charged higher).

Well, suffice it to say, we concluded to go home the next day and did so. And though I felt bad to leave the horsepitable ruff where I'd enjoyed so much kind and friendly horspitality yet to the true home lover there are always strong onseen ties that bind the heart to the old hearth stun, and they always seem to be drawin' and tuggin' till they draw one clear back to the aforesaid stun and chimbly. Josiah paid for our two boards like a man, and we embarked for Clayton and from thence traveled by cars and mair to our beloved home.

And right here let me dispute another wicked wrong story, we never had to pay a cent for gittin' offen the Thousand Island Park. It is a base fabrication to say folks have to pay to git out. They let us out jest as free and easy as anything, and I thought they acted kinder smilin' and good feelin'. What a world of fibs and falsehoods we are livin' in!

We got home in time for supper and at my companion's request I took off the parfenalia of travel, my gray alpacky, and havin' enrobed myself in a domestic gingham of chocklate color and a bib apron, I proceeded to help Philury git a good supper. The neighbors all flocked in to see us and congratulate us on our safe return from the perils and temptations of worldly society. And Josiah wuz indeed in his glory as he told the various deacons and church pillows that gathered round him from time to time, of all his fashionable experiences and dangerous exploits while absent.

Of course my time wuz more took up by my female friends, but anon or oftener I would ketch the sound of figgers in connection with fish that wuz astoundin' in the extreme. But when I would draw nigh the subject would be turned and the attention of the pillows would be drawed off onto yots, summer hotels, Tabernacles, etc., etc. Well such is life. But anon the waves of excitement floatin' out insensibly from the vortex in which we had so lately revolved round in, gradually abated and went down, and the calm placid surface of life in Jonesville wuz all we could see as we looked out of our turret winders—(metafor).

Gradually the daily excitement of seein' the milk cans pass morning and night, and the school children go whoopin' schoolward and homeward, wuz the most highlarious excitement participated in. A few calm errents of borryin' tea and spice, now and then a tin peddler and a agent, or a neighborhood tea drinkin', wuz all that interrupted our days serene.

And old Miss Time, that gray headed old weaver, who is never still, but sets up there in that ancient loom of hern a weavin', while her pardner is away mowin' with that sharp scythe of hisen from mornin' till night, and from night till mornin', jest so stiddy did she keep on weavin'. Noiseless and calm would the quiet days pass into her old shuttle (which is jest as good to-day as it wuz at the creation). Silent days, quiet days, in a broad stripe, not glistenin' or shiny, but considerable good-lookin' after all. Then anon variegated with moon lit starry nights, blue skies, golden sunsets, deep dark, moonless midnights, all shaded off into soft shadders.

And then givin' way to a stripe of hit or miss, restless hours, days when the "Fire won't burn the stick and the kid refuses to go," small excitements, frustrated ambitions, etc.

Anon a broad gray stripe, monotony, deadly monotony, and lonesomeness, gray as a rat both on 'em, all loosely twisted together makin' a wide melancholy stripe. Then a more flowery piece, golden moments, mounts of soul transfiguration, full understandin', divine hopes and raptures, heart talks, illuminations, all striped in with images of golden rod, evergreen trees pintin' up into the friendly blue heavens, that leaned down so clost you could almost see into the Sweet Beyond. Singin' rivulets, soarin' birds, green fields, rosy clouds. Anon a plain piece, some slazy, as the shuttle seemed to go slower and kinder lazy, and then agin quick strong beats that made the web firm as iron.

Mebby that wuz the time that old Mr. Time hung up that old scythe of hisen for a few minutes on the top bars of the loom, and got in and footed it out for his pardner for a spell, while she rested her old feet or wound her bobbins for another stripe. But such idees are futile, futiler than I often mean to be. 'Tennyrate and anyway all the time, all the time the shuttles moved back and forth to and fro, and old Miss Time's tapestry widened out.

That summer my pardner had a oncommon good streak of luck, he sold two colts and a yearlin' heifer for a price that fairly stunted us both, it wuz so big. And his crops turned out dretful well, and he jest laid up money by the handfuls as you may say. And one day we wuz talkin' about what extreme good luck we'd had for the past year, and we also talked considerable about Tirzah Ann and little Delight, and how they wuz both pimpin' and puny. The older children away to school wuz doin' first rate both in health and studies, but Tirzah Ann's health wuz such that Whitfield had to keep a girl and pay doctor's bills, and I sez to Josiah:

"I am sorry for 'em as I can be, and if this goes on much longer there don't seem much chance of Whitfield's buildin' his house on Shadow Island this summer."

And Josiah sez, "No indeed! if he can pay the doctor's bills and help, he will do well. But," sez he, "he is goin' to have quite a good job up to his folkses."

His uncle, Jotham Minkley, who is forehanded and a ship builder up in Maine, had invited Whitfield to come and take charge of some bizness for him, and he said he must bring Tirzah Ann and Delight. So it wuz arranged that they wuz goin' to stay for some time. We all thought the change would do Tirzah Ann good, and then Whitfield had been promised good pay for his work. And then wuz the time I tackled my pardner on the subject I had thought over so long. He looked so sort o' mournful over the hard times Whitfield wuz havin', and Tirzah Ann's and Delight's enjoyment of poor health, that I thought now wuz the appinted time for me to onfold this subject to him. This idee wuz that while Whitfield and Tirzah Ann wuz away up to Maine we should build a pretty little house for 'em on Shadow Island. "For," sez I, "the health and life of Tirzah Ann and Delight may hang in the balances, and if anything will help 'em I believe that dear old Saint Lawrence will." But Josiah demurred strongly on account of the expense. In fact I had to use some of my strongest arguments to convince him of the feasibility of my plans.

One of my arguments wuz that in all probability all our property would before long descend onto the children, and so why not use some now for 'em, while they wuz sufferin' for the use on't. That wuz one of my arguments, and my other one wuz, that he couldn't take any of his property with him. But he had got kinder mad and when I told him in a solemn tone, "Josiah Allen, you know you can't take any of your property with you when you die," he snapped out, "I don't know whether I can or not; it won't be as you say about it."

"Well," sez I, in lofty axents and quotin' Skripter, "there is only one way you can take your property with you, and that is to send it on before you. Make friends with the Mammon of your wealth so that when you fail here it may receive you into a everlastin' habitation. Turn it into angels of Gratitude and Love that may be waitin' to welcome you. Do good with your money. Lend to the Lord," sez I.

And Josiah wuz so pudgicky, he snapped out, "I didn't know as the Lord wanted to borry any money."

But I gin him such a talkin' to that I brung him to a sense of his sinful talk, and right then while he wuz conscience smut for as much as seven minutes, I brung him round to the idee of buildin' the house. But it wuz a gradual bringin'.

Of course he begged and beseeched to build it on Coney Island. Sez he, "I wouldn't begrech the money but spend it lavish, if the house sot there. I could go there and spend months and months of perfect bliss, and learn more there in one day than I could in years in Jonesville."

"Where would you build it?" sez I in frosty axents.

"Well, the top of one of them tall mountains in Luna Park Serenus tells on would be a good spot, near the beautiful waterfall where the boats full of happy Hilariors dash down the steep declivity and bound way off onto the water and sail away. The view would be so lively and inspirin', it would be equal to havin' a brass band in your bedroom."

"Yes, jest about like that," sez I. "Do you know what them mountains are made of? They're jest about as solid as your idees."

"Well, I might build it on the other side of Surf Avenue, nigh that long line of dashin' horses Serenus depicters, that go racin' and cavortin' round and round, bearin' the gay and happy Hilariors on their backs."

"How much do you spoze a lot would cost there, Josiah, if you wuz ravin' crazy enough to want it? All the property in Jonesville wouldn't buy a spot big as a table cloth, and I d'no as it would a towel."

"Well," sez he real sulky, "I can let my mind dwell on it, can't I? That is some comfort."

"I wouldn't think on't too much, you don't want to tire your mind, it hain't over strong, you know."

It beats all how sometimes when you are doin' your very best for your pardners, they don't like it. He acted huffy.

But at last it wuz settled, Tirzah Ann's cottage wuz to be begun the minute they left, it wuz to be kep secret from 'em, and we wuz to have a surprize party there, to welcome 'em home. Well, from the very day it wuz settled begun my trials with Josiah Allen about the plan. My idee wuz to employ a first rate architect, but he sez:

"I can tell you, Mom, if that plan is made I shall make it. There hain't an architect in the country that could begin with me in drawin' up this plan." Oh how I sithed and groaned when I see his sotness, and knowed he wuz no more fit for the job than our old steer to give music lessons on the banjo.

He went to the village that afternoon and obtained two long blank books (oh that they could have stayed blank) and three quires of fool's cap paper (well named) and a bottle of red ink and one of blue ink, besides black, and a dozen pencils of different colors, and after these elaborate preparations he begun drawin' up his plans.

He would roll up his sleeves, moisten his hands, and go to work early in the mornin', and set and pour over 'em all day, every stormy day, and every night he sot up so late goin' over 'em that he most underminded his health, to say nothin' of the waste of my temper and kerseen. And then he would call in uncle Nate Peedick and they would bend their two gray bald heads together and talk about "specifications" and "elevations" and "ground plans" and "suller plans" till my head seemed to turn and my brain seemed most as soft as theirn.



And sometimes Serenus Gowdey would be called in to aid in their deliberations, though their talk always led off onto Coney Island and rested there, he didn't git no other idees out of him. Josiah never called on a woman for advice and counsel, not once, though a woman stood nigh him who wuz eminently qualified to pass a first class judgment on the plan. But no, it wuz males only who gin him their deepest thoughts and counsels. Once in awhile I would ask how many stories he wuz layin' out to have it, and how big it wuz goin' to be, and every time I asked him he said:

"Wimmen's minds wuz too weak to comprehend his views. It took a man's mind to tackle such a subject and throw it."

And that would mad me so that it would be some time before I would ask him agin, and then curosity would git the better of me and I would ask him agin sunthin' about it, but his reply wuz always the same:

"Wimmen's minds wuz too weak and tottlin' to tackle the subject." So all the light I could git wuz to hear him talk it over with some man. I see that there wuz a great difference of opinion between 'em. Josiah, true father of Tirzah Ann, seemed anxious mainly to unite display and cheapness. Uncle Nate seemed more for solidity and comfort. Sez Josiah to him:

"It is my idee to have the house riz up jest as high as the timbers will stand, the main expense anyway is the foundation and floorin' and I would rise up story after story all ornamented off beautiful and cheap, basswood sawed off in pints makes beautiful ornaments, and what a show it would make round the country, and what air you could git up in the seventh or eight story."

So he would go on and argy, regardless of common sense or Tirzah Ann's legs. And then Uncle Nate would reply:

"Josiah, safety lays on the ground, and in this climate more liable each year to tornadoes and cyclones, the only safety lays in spreadin' out on the ground. Build only one story," sez he, "and a low one at that, and let it spread out every way as much as it wants to."

"But," sez Josiah, "to have every room on the bottom would take up all the lot and lap over into the river."

"Better do that," sez Uncle Nate, "than to have your children and grand-children blowed away. Safety is better than sile," sez he solemnly. And then I hearn 'em talkin' about a travelin' woodhouse. Josiah advoctated the idee of havin' the woodhouse made in the form of a boat, only boarded up like a house, and have big oars fixed onto the sides on't so's it could be used as a boat, and a house. Sez he:

"How handy it would be to jest onmoor the woodhouse and row over to the main land and git the year's stock of wood, and then row back agin, cast anchor and hitch it onto the house agin." But Uncle Nate demurred. He thought the expense would be more than the worth of usin' it once a year.

"Once a year!" sez Josiah. "You forgit how much kindlin' wood a woman uses." Sez he, "When she that wuz Arvilly Nash worked here I believe we used a woodhouse full a day. If we had a floatin' woodhouse here, we should had to embark on it once a day at least and load it up with shavin's and kindlin' wood. Samantha is more eqinomical," sez he.

"But," sez Uncle Nate, "I hearn that Whitfield's folks wuz layin' out to use a coal oil stove durin' the summer."

Josiah's face fell. "So they be," sez he.

But he wuz loath to give up this floatin' woodhouse and went on:

"How handy it would be for a picnic, jest fill the woodhouse full of Highlariers and set off, baskets, bundles and all. It would do away with parasols; no jabbin' 'em into a man's eyes, or proddin' his ears with the pints of umbrells. Or on funeral occasions," sez he, "jest load the mourners right in, onhitch the room and sail off. Why it would be invaluable."

But Uncle Nate wuz more conservative and cautious. He sez, "What if it should break loose in the night and start off by itself? It would be a danger to the hull river. How would boats feel to meet a woodhouse? It would jam right into 'em and sink 'em—sunk by a woodhouse! It wouldn't sound well. And row boats would always be afraid of it, they'd be thinkin' it would be liable to come onto 'em at any time onbeknown to 'em, 'twouldn't have no whistle or anything."

"Yes it would," sez Josiah hautily; "I laid out to fix it somehow with a whistle."

"But it couldn't whistle itself if it sot off alone."

"Well," sez Josiah, scratchin' his head, "I hain't got that idee quite perfected, but I might have a self actin' whistle, a stationary self movin' gong, or sunthin' of that kind." But I didn't wait to hear any more; I left the room, and I shouldn't wonder if I shet the door pretty hard.



CHAPTER TWELVE

IN WHICH JOSIAH STILL WORKS AT HIS PLAN FOR TIRZAH ANN'S COTTAGE, AND DECIDES TO SEND HIS LUMBER C. O. W.



CHAPTER TWELVE

IN WHICH JOSIAH STILL WORKS AT HIS PLAN FOR TIRZAH ANN'S COTTAGE, AND DECIDES TO SEND HIS LUMBER C. O. W.

Wall the next evenin', Josiah would make the plan all over, would rub out red marks and put in blue ones, and then rub 'em out with his thumb and fore finger, and then anon, forgittin' himself, he'd rub his forward with the same fingers, till he looked like a wild Injun started for war. And he would sithe heart breakin' sithes, and moisten his hands in his mouth, and roll up his shirt sleeves, and toil and toil till he seemed to git a new plan made after Uncle Nate's idees, as squatty and curous lookin' as I ever see as I glanced at it in a cursory way. And he would work at that till some new man come round with some new idee and then he would (goin' through with all the motions and acts I have depictered) make a new one. And so it went on till finally in the fullness of time Josiah produced a dockument which he said wuz the finest plan ever drawed up in America.

Sez he, "I have at last reached perfection."

"I spoze you'll let me see it now it is finished," I sez.

"Yes," sez he, "I've always been willin' to give you all the chances I could of improvin' and enlargin' your mind, all that a woman's mind is strong enough to bear. I am willin', Samantha, that you should look at it and admire it, now it is too late for you to advocate any changes."

Sez I coldly, "If I am goin' to see the plan, bring it on."

He laid it before me with a hauty linement and stood off a few steps to admire it. It wuz drawed up handsome, with little ornaments in blue and yeller ink runnin' all round the porticos and piazzas, which wuz in red ink. But on a closer perusal I sez to him:

"What room is this where the walls and ceilin' are all ornamented off so?"

"The settin' room," sez he.

Sez I, "Where are the winders?"

"The winders?" sez he, lookin' closter at it.

"Yes," sez I, "as the ornaments are all fastened on now there hain't no winders and no room for any."

"By thunder!" sez he, the second time in my life that I ever hearn him use that wicked swear word.

And I sez, "I should think you would be afraid to be so profane, you a deacon and a grand-father!"

But he paid no attention to my remarks, but sez agin out loud and strong, "By thunder! I forgot the winders."

"You profane man you!" sez I, pintin' to another room, "what room is this?"

Sez he in a lower and more mortified tone, "It is the parlor."

Sez I, "How be you goin' to git out of this room if you wuz built into it? There hain't no door nor no place for one. You couldn't git out of the room unless you climbed up through the chimbly and emerged onto the ruff, and," sez I, "there hain't a sign of a stairway to git up into the chambers, nor no chamber doors."

But all the answer my pardner made wuz to snatch up the paper and tear it right through the middle, and sez he, "There, I hope you're satisfied now! it is all your doin's!"

Sez I, "How, Josiah?" I spoke with calmness, for a long life passed by the side of a man had taught me this great truth, that every man from Adam to Josiah will blame a woman for every mistake and blunder they make, no matter of what name or nater, from bringin' sin into the world, to bustin' off a shirt button.

So I sez with composure, "How did I do it, Josiah?"

"Well," sez he, "the day I finished that plan you had company, and you and Miss Gowdey and she that wuz Submit Tewksbury kep' up such a confounded clackin' that a man couldn't hear himself think!"

Sez I, "Josiah, you finished the plan the next day."

"Well," sez he, "I kep' thinkin' of the clack. Now," sez he, "I'm goin' to build a house by rote and not by note. I will git me away from wimmen, and when I'm on the lot with the timber before me, my mind will work clear."

Sez I, "Do hear to me now; do git a good builder to lay out the plan, one that knows how."

"Well, I shan't do no such thing!"

Sez I, "Then do git a first rate carpenter!"

"No, Samantha, I shan't git any man to be bossin' me round. I shall git some humble man that knows enough to drive a nail, to carry out my views and be guided by me. There is so much jealousy in every walk of life now, that when a man that shows originality and genius comes forth from the masses, there is immegiately a desire to keep him back and hide his talents." Sez he, "I'm afraid of this sperit so I am goin' to git a man that can do what I tell him and ask no questions; in these conditions," sez he, "I can swing right out and do justice to myself."

"Then you do have some few fears about your plans yourself?"

Sez he, "Let me once git into a place where my mind can work, I'll show what I can do, let me once git away from meddlin' and clack."

But that night of his own accord (I'd had a uncommon good supper) he acted real affectionate and more confidentialer than he had for weeks, an' he sez, "There is one thing, Samantha, I'm bound to have, and that is a mullin' winder."

"A what?" sez I. "A mullin winder; what is that?"

"Why a winder made out of mullins," sez he hautily.

Sez I, "How do you make it? Mullin leaves are thick and the stalks tougher than fury, how do you make winders out of 'em?"

"That," sez he proudly, "is the work of a architect to take stalks of the humble mullin and transfer it into a tall and stately winder."

Sez I, "I don't believe it can be done. How would you go to work to do it?"

Sez he, "It would be fur from me, Samantha, to muddle up a woman's brains any more than they be muddled naturally, tryin' to inform her how this is done. I only say there will be a mullin' winder in the house."

Sez I, "Hain't you goin' to have a bay winder?"

"That depends on whether there will be room for the bay. But as to the ventilation, on that pint my plans are made. I believe a house should be ventilated to the bottom instead of the top. Air goes up instead of down, a house should be ventilated from the mop boards, I think some of havin' em open like a trap door to let the air through. Sime Bentley sez have a row of holes bored right through the sides of the house to let in the air, and when you didn't want to use 'em plug 'em up, when you want a little air take out one stopple, when you want a good deal take out a hull row of plugs. That's a good idee," sez Josiah, "but I convinced him that it lacked one important thing, the air didn't come up from the bottom as I consider it necessary for health and perfect ventilation."

Sez I dryly, "You might have the holes bored through into the suller!" My tone wuz as irony as a iron tea-kettle, but he didn't perceive it.

"That is a woman's idee," sez he, "rip up a breadth of carpet every time you want a little air, keep a man down on his knee jints the hull of the time tackin' down carpets and ontackin' 'em. Nothin' ever made a woman so happy as to see a man down on his marrer bones tackin' down a carpet, unless it is seein' him takin' it up and luggin' it outdoors, histin' it up on a line and beatin' it. No, my idee is the only right one, ventilate from the mop boards."

Well, true to his hauty resolution to not share his grand success and triumph with anybody he went the next day and hired a man by the name of Penstock. He had been a good carpenter in his day, but his brain had kinder softened, yet he could work quite fast, and sez Josiah:

"He's jest the man for me. He won't be jealous, he will carry out my views and not steal my plans or my credit. There is a lumber dealer out to the Cape owin' me for a horse, and I propose to buy of him and have the things landed at Shadow Island." Sez he, "I am a solid influential man, and they will send the boards and charge 'em to me, or send 'em C. O. W."

"C. O. W.?" sez I. "What do you mean by that?"

"Oh," sez he, "that's a bizness phrase wimmen don't understand, we men use it often."

"But what duz it mean? Most things mean sunthin', at least they do in wimmen's bizness."

"Well, I don't want to muddle up your head with such things, Samantha, but if you must know, it means Collect All Winter, meanin' that I can have till spring to pay it up."

"How do you spell all?" sez I.

"Why o-w-l of course."

And I sez, "With wimmen that spells owl, a bird that pertends to great wisdom but don't know anything. Send your things C. O. W. by all means!" sez I wore out. "Send 'em along and spell your all, o-w-l. I think it is a highly figurative and appropriate expression."

"Well, that is what I thought you would say as fur as you could see into it," sez he hautily, and in the same axent he asked me if I had packed up a extra pair of socks for him.



CHAPTER THIRTEEN

IN WHICH JOSIAH AND SERENUS DEPART SARAHUPTISHUSLY FOR CONEY ISLAND AND I START IN PURSUIT



CHAPTER THIRTEEN

IN WHICH JOSIAH AND SERENUS DEPART SARAHUPTISHUSLY FOR CONEY ISLAND AND I START IN PURSUIT

That afternoon I see Josiah and Serenus leanin' on the barnyard fence talkin' dretful earnest, I spozed about the Plan. But when I went to put my milk pans in the sun I hearn the same old story Coney Island! Dreamland! Luny! Bowery! etc., and I hurried into the house. When Josiah come in he sez, "I guess I'll invite Serenus to go with me."

Sez I, "Why should you invite him to go to Shadow Island?"

"Oh he's got such good judgment," sez he.

I felt dubersome, but bein' so mellered in sperit by his consentin' to build the cottage I didn't stand out. And they started the next mornin' at sunrise for Shadow Island as I spozed. Till the next day but one Miss Gowdey come over to borry a drawin' of tea and she sez,

"Serenus and Josiah are havin' a gay time at Coney Island. I've jest had a card from Serenus."

You could have knocked me down with a pin feather. But so powerful is my mind, though it seemed to roll to and fro under my foretop and my knees wobbled under me, I did up the tea with marble composure and a piece of paper, and she sot off with it, and then I fell into a rockin' chair with almost frenzied forebodin's. What! what wuz Josiah Allen doin' in that place of folly and fashion? Could he keep his innocence amidst the awful temptations? I'd hearn there wuz places there where folks stood on their heads; wuz his brain strong enough to stand the jolt?

Spozein' them iron horses should kick him over? Spozein' he got wrecked on the Immoral railway? Or went up on the Awful Tower and fell off? Spozein' the elephants should tread on him? Or the boyconstructors or tigers git after him? Or he should go to the moon and git lost there and be obleeged to stay? Oh the wild fears that raced through my foretop; mebby they wuzn't reasonable but they gored me jest the same. What must I, what could I do? I couldn't tell.



But all of a sudden I thought of what Serenus said about a woman twice my size dressed in gaudy red, forever takin' after folks—What would Josiah do if she took after him? And no doubt she would, for looked at through the magnifying lens of Absence and Anxiety he looked passingly beautiful. As I thought of her I knowed what I would do. Sez I, "I will go and tear him away and bring him back to duty and his mournin' pardner."

But how could I go, wuz my next thought? How dast I venter there alone? I lacked both courage and a summer suit. But when did Samantha ever fail to lay holt of Duty's apron strings when they dangled in front of her? Better go clothed in a righteous purpose and a old parmetty than in the richest new alpacky and a craven sperit.

I knowed that if I had wanted a hobble skirt or a hayrem, or a hip cosset there wuz no time to git 'em. But Heaven knows I didn't want 'em, treasurin' as I did the power to walk and breathe. Suffice it to say the next mornin' the risin' sun gilded my brown straw bunnet and umbrell as I descended from the car at the Grand Central.

Havin' walked round and round, and through and through that immense depo, huffin' it from as fur as from our house to Jonesville, gittin' lost time and agin, and bein' found and sot right by onlookers and bystanders, in the fullness of time I emerged out on't with a deep sithe of relief.

Believin' as I do that the great beneficent Power that fills the ether about us, will bring us the help our sperit desires if we ask for it, it didn't surprise me that almost the first man I met after I left the press and turmoil of the throng, wuz Deacon Gansy, who moved from Jonesville and is now runnin' a provision store in New York.

I inquired for my cousin Bildad Smith of Coney Island and told him I wuz goin' there. Sez I, "You know Bildad's wife is runnin' down." Which wuzn't a lie, but on the very edge on't, for what did I care for her enjoyment of poor health? And he said he wuz goin' down there in his delivery auto to carry 'em some fresh butter and eggs and he would take me. I thought it wuzn't a chance to refuse. Bildad runs a eatin' house on Coney Island.

So I sot off with Deacon Gansy, and after goin' through Chaos and Destruction on lower New York streets, and Williamsburg bridge, and acrost it, for all the folks in New York and Brooklyn wuz there that day—and after passin' through crowded, hustlin', bustlin' streets, we found ourselves anon on the broad beautiful Ocean Avenue smooth as glass and as broad as from our house to hern that was Submit Tewksbury's and I guess wider. Bordered on each side with four rows of noble trees with paths between 'em. The deacon said there wuz over 'leven thousand trees along that avenue, and I didn't dispute him.

He got real talkative and kinder bragged on how much money he wuz makin', said he'd bought a place up in Harlem, and sez he, "I've got another auto for pleasure drivin'."

Sez I, "Is it pleasure to drive a car through such crowded places as we've been through to-day?"

And he said it wuz, if folks wouldn't act mean. Sez he, "Last Sunday I took my wife out in the country and a old man in a buggy kep' right in front of me and wouldn't turn out, and I had to squeeze through between him and the ditch."

"Did you git through safe?" sez I.

"Yes, I did, but I had to bend my mud guard right up agin his hoss's side and scraped the skin raw, and raked its collar off."

"What did the old man say?" sez I.

"I never heard such language out of the mouth of man, and of course as a deacon I couldn't listen to such profanity, so I hurried right away."

"Hadn't you ort to return the hoss collar, Deacon?"

"Oh no, I couldn't stop to listen to such wicked talk."

That wuz jest like deacon Gansy; he thought he wuz awful religious but I always felt dubersome about it.

But on we went through the matchless beauty of the drive. And anon we ketched a view of the blue tostin' waves of the Atlantic, the air jest as fresh and invigoratin' as when it blowed unto Columbuses weary foretop when he discovered us. And like his dantless cry to his fearful pilot, so my soul echoed the same cry to my deprestin' fears:

"Sail on, and on, and on," to the goal of our own desires. Our two quests wuz some different, he wuz seekin' a new continent and I an old Josiah. But I knowed the Atlantic breezes never blowed on two more determined and noble linements than hisen and mine. And I felt that we would have been real congenial if he hadn't died too soon, or I been born too late.



CHAPTER FOURTEEN

THE CURIOUS SIGHTS I SEEN AN' THE HAIR-RAISIN' EPISODES I UNDERWENT IN MY AGONIZIN' SEARCH FOR MY PARDNER



CHAPTER FOURTEEN

THE CURIOUS SIGHTS I SEEN AN' THE HAIR-RAISIN' EPISODES I UNDERWENT IN MY AGONIZIN' SEARCH FOR MY PARDNER

Bildad's folks wuz glad to see me. They visited us jest before they moved there, so I felt free. But not one word did I say about my quest for Josiah. No, such is woman's deathless devotion to the man she loves, I'd ruther face the imputation of frivolity and friskiness, and I spoze they think to this day I went to Coney Island out of curosity and Pleasure Huntin', instead of the lofty motives that actuated me. I knowed Bildad's wife wuz most bed-rid so I would be free to conduct my search with no gossip or slurs onto Josiah.

And another reason for goin' there: I knowed the savin' sperit of my pardner, and I thought he would ruther git a free meal than to keep his incognito incog. And sure enough Bildad's first words wuz, "Why didn't you come with Josiah yesterday? He wuz here to dinner."

"Where is he now?" sez I.

Sez Bildad, "The last time I see him he wuz startin' to take a trip to the Moon."

Oh what a shock that wuz, Josiah goin' to the moon; and yet even as he spoke I felt a relief, knowin' man's fickle nater, that the only inhabitant I ever hearn on in the moon wuz an old man instead of a woman. For few indeed are the men that will stand without hitchin,' and as for girl blinders, they won't wear 'em, much as they need 'em from the cradle to the grave.

"When wuz he layin' out to return?" sez I in a tremblin' voice.

"Oh they take trips there every half hour."

Thinks I, to-day I go there myself, and Josiah Allen will come down to earth agin' if I know myself. But not one word did I say to demean my pardner. Breakfast wuz ready and I sot down. But my emotions filled me up. I couldn't seem to have any place for meat vittles, I couldn't eat anything but some bread and butter and a glass of milk. A female settin' by me sez, "You're not goin' to eat loose milk, are you?"

"Loose!" sez I, "Why should milk be tied up? I never wuz afraid on't."

"I mean milk that hain't bottled," sez she. "I wouldn't eat loose milk for the world." And she being enthusiastick gin a long eulogy of the good men who wuz tryin' to save poor babies by givin' 'em pure milk, and she talked bitter about the men who opposed the idee for fear it would pauperize the babies.

And I told her it wouldn't make much difference with the babies pizened by microby milk whether they died pauperized or onpauperized.

Well, I didn't know whether the milk wuz loose or tight, but I eat it rapidly, so's to begin my hunt. I'd slep' some on the cars, and when I had changed my parmetty waist for a brown gingham shirt waist, and washed my face, and brushed back my hair, I wuz ready to start. The room they gin me wuz so small I thought I would have to go out in the hall to change my mind. But I did manage to change my waist. Bildad's old colored woman wuz singin' as she made the bed in the next room that old him "Pull for the Shore." She sung:

"Pull for the shore, brother, Pull for the shore, Heed not the rollin' pins, Bend to the oar—

Leave the poor old straddled wreck And pull for the shore."

She didn't git the words right, but her voice wuz melogious, and as I listened my soul parodied the words to suit my needs. Yes, I felt that I must "bend to the oar" of my purpose, I must not "heed the rollin' waves" of weariness and anxiety, must leave "the poor old stranded wreck" of my domestic happiness and security and pull for Josiah.

Luny Park wuz only a few steps from Bildad's and anon I stood before what seemed to be a great city, gorgeous below and way up above the thronged streets and mountains and flower-decked declivities, endless white towers riz up as if callin' attention to 'em. And I didn't know but the place had been lied about, and I asked a bystander if any of 'em wuz meetin' house steeples.

He laughed in derision at me, and I passed on and come to a lot of girls dressed up in red, and settin' in chariots like them old Roman females used to go to war in. I asked one on 'em if she wuz layin' out to go to Mexico, and she replied "Ten cents," and shoved out a piece of paper to me.



I see she wuz luny as the park, but didn't argy, and passed on furder when a man out of a row of great tall men dressed in red, took the piece of paper from me. He took it right out of my hand, and if there is anything wrong goin' on between him and the girl that gin it to me I hain't to blame, and want it understood that I hain't.

Anon I see a dancin' pavilion big enough for all the folks in Jonesville and Zoar to dance in at one time. But I never thought of dancin' or two-steppin' myself, though the music wuz enticin' to them easy enticed. But knowin' the infinite variety of fads my pardner had indulged in, I cast some searchin' glances at the dancers and two-steppers as I went past, but to my relief I see that he wuz not among 'em.

On the left side, as I strolled along, I see a big butcher shop, with hull sides of beef, mutton, pork, hams, chickens, etc., hangin' up. And a long counter, piled full of invitin' lookin' pieces ready to roast or brile. The butcher in a clean white apron stood behind the counter. Everything looked good and clean, but I'd hearn of city meat givin' toe main pizen, and knowin' Josiah's fondness for meat vittles—I asked anxiously, "Are you sure the critters this meat come from hadn't got cow consumption, or hog cholera?"

A friendly female standin' by said, "Every mite of that is candy." And she offered me a piece of sassidge, and asked which I preferred, wintergreen or peppermint.

I answered mekanically that I seasoned my sassidge with sage and pepper. Agin she affirmed that everything in the butcher shop wuz candy.

I didn't argy, but merely said, "It is enough to deceive the very electioneers."

Sez she, "I spoze you mean politicians, and that's so, if they're deceived anyone can be."

I wuz talkin' Bible but didn't explain, and walked onwards. The F. F. (friendly female) come too, and pretty soon we come to what they called a new-matic tube and the F. F. explained it to me, sez she, "You are shet into a car made of iron and it runs with a deafenin' roar into a dark tunnel, and all to once the car slides down twenty feet and dashes through another dark tunnel and then comes out where you went in. If it wuzn't for the dretful noise," sez she, "it would seem like a grave. Don't you want to try it?"

"No, mom," sez I, "I shan't git into any coffin' and grave till my time comes."

"Well," sez she, "I'm goin' into the Scenic Railway, won't you come too?" And not wantin' to act hauty and high-headed I bought a ticket and went in with her. It looked some like a great high rock with a cavern hollered out, and a huge devil's head with a waterfall flowin' out of its mouth. I knowed the devil couldn't hurt us as long as he kep' his mouth full of water. So we got on a car with about ten other folks and they locked us in and we went right up I calculated about half a mild, though I didn't measure, and then we sailed off and first I knew there wuz Havana Harbor, war ships, forts, etc., and the city. But we didn't stop for refreshments, for all of a sudden down we went probably half a mild right straight down. I ketched holt of the F. F. and she ketched holt of me. When all to once we wuz to the North Pole, ice, snow drifts, white bears, etc., surrounded us and a sign with Dr. Cook on it.

The F. F. riz up and yelled to the conductor to stop. Sez she, "I want to get out to the Pole, I want to discover it! I want to git my name in the papers! I want to be talked about!" sez she.

We wuz goin' up a tremengous mountain, and he sez, "Set down or you will git your name in the death notices."

Whether he laid out to kill her I don't know, for she set down. And jest then somebody yells, "Here we go down to the bottomless pit."

I sez to the F. F., "I can't believe it! 'Tain't so! It must be Pugatory!"

But there wuz the sign, "Hell."



"Oh!" I groaned out in agony, "what have I ever done to merit this! Have I ever been mean enough to Josiah?" But there they wuz, fiery pits, big devils and little ones with pitchforks and darts, etc. Only one thought assuaged my torment, my Josiah wuzn't there. But in a minute up we went, up—up—and come out to an open place, where I see what I thought wuz Heaven, but it wuz only Coney Island, but after what I'd been through even that worldly frivolous spot looked heavenly to me. On we went under the waterfall, up, up, down, down, through hot countries and cold, and finally shot out jest where we got in.



CHAPTER FIFTEEN

I VISIT THE MOON, THE WITCHIN' WAVES, OPEN AIR CIRCUS, ADVISE THE MONKEYS, MAKE THE MALE STATUTE LAUGH, BUT DO NOT FIND JOSIAH



CHAPTER FIFTEEN

I VISIT THE MOON, THE WITCHIN' WAVES, OPEN AIR CIRCUS, ADVISE THE MONKEYS, MAKE THE MALE STATUTE LAUGH, BUT DO NOT FIND JOSIAH

The Witching Waves is a track that moves up and down in waves. Scientific folks say that it is a mechanical wonder. I couldn't see how it wuz done. I couldn't make one to save my life. Folks git into little automobiles and steer 'em themselves and first they know some unseen power under 'em lifts the track right up, and of course their car goes too with it. Then anon the track will go way down, and they with it, mebby meetin' another car down there, and they will be all mixed up, but first they know the track will hist up agin under 'em and they have to foller it up agin. Dretful curious spot, well called Witching Waves. But every owner of an auto sees curious times, and feels witchin' waves, yes indeed!

Why, I hearn about a little girl who happened to hear a man swearin' dretfully at sunthin and he apoligized.

"Oh," sez she, "I'm used to it, my papa owns a car." But 'tain't necessary to swear at 'em, it don't do no good, besides the wickedness on't.



But jest as I wuz moralizin' on this, I hearn a bystander talkin' about the Trip to the Moon. And rememberin' what Bildad said I sot out for the air-ship that took folks there. To tell the truth, I'd always hankered to see what wuz on the moon. Not to see that old man of the moon (no, Josiah wuz my choice); but I always did want to know what wuz on the other planets, and though I'm most ashamed to say it, after all my talk agin Coney Island, yet if it hadn't been for the kankerin' worm of anxiety knawin' at my vitals, I should have enjoyed myself first rate as the air-ship sailed off, with a stately motion, for the moon.

I had watched the passengers with a eagle vision but no Josiah embarked, but the air-ship sailed off, the earth receeded, we wuz in the clouds, anon we passed through a big thunder storm, I wuz almost lost in thought watchin' sea and ocean when the captain called out:

"The Moon! the Moon!"

And we alighted and got off, I a-thinkin' what and who wuz I to see in thet place I'd always hankered for. Strange shapes indeed, foreign to our earth, birds, dragons, animals of most weird shape. Anon I see a little figger, queer-lookin' as you might spoze. I accosted the little Moony, my first words bein' not a question of deep historical research, you would expect a woman with my noble brain would ask, about that onexplored country. No, my head didn't speak, it wuz my heart, that gushed forth in a agonized inquiry.

"Have you seen Josiah? Have you seen my beloved pardner? Is he in the moon?"

His words in reply wuz in moon language, nothin' I ever hearn in Jonesville or Zoar, and anon he begun to sing in that moony language, and I see I wuz wastin' time, I must conduct my quest myself.

But oh, the seens I passed through! And oh, the queer moon landscapes! the queer moony animals and moon creeters I passed! But all in vain, no Josiah blessed my longin' vision. And with my brain turnin' over and my heart achin', I agin entered the air-ship and returned to terry cotta; or mebby I hain't got it right in my agitation, mebby I'd ort to say visey versey. 'Tennyrate I found myself out in Luny Park agin.

Well, what wuz to be my next move? Fur up a steep hite I see water pourin' down a deep abyss and a boat full of men and wimmen set out from the highest peak, shot down the declivity like lightnin' and dashed 'way out in the water on the other side of the bridge where I wuz standin'; but my idol wuz not among 'em.

I see a great checker-board raised up, so big it wuz played with human creeters instead of beans or kernels of corn. But no Josiah wuz there movin' and jumpin', or bein' jumped as the case might be.



On one side riz up a high mountain full of green shrubs and flowers, and windin' round and round from the bottom clear to the top, went cars filled with men and wimmen, boys and girls, up, up, down, down, as fur as from our house to Betsy Bobbet Slimpsey's; but no Josiah wuz among the winders up or the winders down.

Even as I looked, a elephant passed me with stately tread, bearin' on his richly ornamented back a small-sized man with a bald head; but it wuzn't Josiah's baldness or his small, meachin' figger.

Two high tiers of balconies stretched along on one side, ornamented off with white pillows and posies where folks could set and eat their good meals, and enjoy the music and the never ceasing gayety. Beneath 'em, above 'em and beyond 'em, as fur as they could, see, towers, pinnacles, battlements, steeples, palms, flowers, color, light, music, and the endless, endless procession of pleasure hunters passin' below. Rich men, poor men, wimmen in satin and serge, shiffon and calico, babies, boys and girls.

I made the calculation that about a million folks could be accommodated on them balconies. I may have got one or two too many; I didn't stop to count.

Lower down run a low, ornamented ruff, coverin' hundreds of little tables where folks could set and git soft drinks and hard. The hard drink's true to its name everyway. For when did the Whiskey Demon ever turn out anything but hard, from the time it exhilerates the consumer till it drives him away from love, home, friends, happiness, and at last gives him a final hard push, sendin' him into a onlamented grave!

But truly no one has time to moralize or eppisode to any extent amidst the music, laughter and gay voices, the endless procession passin' by. To most a seen of happiness, but to me they seemed like shadders; the Reality of life, my beloved pardner, wuz lost, lost to me. A pleasant lookin' female standin' by, seein' the emotion in my face, and wantin' to cheer me up, I spoze, sez:

"Have you tried the Loop de Loop?"

I answered with a sad dignity, "Yes, I've done considerable tattin' in my day."

"Mebby you'd like to try the Bump de Bump."

I sez, "No, I've enjoyed enough of that since comin' in here."

Sez she, "Have you seen the monkeys keepin' house?"

"No," sez I, "but I will." And sure enough, there wuz a big family of monkeys housekeeping. Some eatin' dinner in the dining room, some doin' different kinds of housework, sweepin', operatin' the dumb waiter, payin' bills, etc. Some in the settin' room readin' the newspaper. And there is a band of sixty monkey musicians. And I hearn they're learnin' bridge whist; I wuz sorry to hear that, and I sez to the oldest and wisest lookin' monkey:

"You'll sup sorrow if you go into bridge whist, gamblin' and wastin' good daylight in civilized sports, when you might be hangin' from tree tops, and chasin' each other 'round stumps, in a honest, oncivilized way. If you don't look out your ladies will foller the example of the Four Hundred and be thinkin' of a divorce and big alimony next."

He looked impressed by my noble anxiety on their behaff, but didn't say nothin'. But mebby he'll hear to me. A little boy standin' by sez, "Ma, Jimmy Bates sez that he and I and everybody descended from monkeys—did I, ma?"

"I don't know," sez she, "I never knew much about your father's family."

I didn't stay long at the Open Air Circus, though it wuz a big place and sights goin' on there; bare-backed riders, Japanese jugglers and acrobats, tight-rope walkers, elephants and camels with folks on their backs, with Arabians and East Indians in their native costumes takin' care of 'em.

Not fur off I see a male statute; lots of folks wuz congregated in front of it, and I went up too, and I sez to a female bystander, "I always did love to see statutes. But this one's linement is humblier than most on 'em."

When if you'll believe it it turned round and sez, "Thank you, mom, for the compliment." It acted mad.

Another man stood like a statute, and the woman I had spoke to sez, "You can git a dollar if you can make that man laugh."

And I sez, "I can."

Sez she, "I don't believe it; I've read to him lots of the humorous stories in the late magazines, and he looked fairly gloomy when I got done."

And I sez, "I don't wonder at that, I do myself. They're awful deprestin'."

And she sez, "I've held up in front of him the funny colored supplements to the Sunday papers, and I thought he'd cry."

"Well," sez I, "I've pretty nigh shed tears over 'em myself, they made me so onhappy."

"How be you goin' to make him laugh?" sez she.

"You watch me and see," sez I. So I went up to him and got his eye and told him over a lot of laws our male statesmen have made, and are makin'. License laws of different kinds, but all black as a coal. How a little girl of twelve or fourteen, pronounced legally incapable of buyin' or sellin' a sheep or a hen, can legally sell her virtue and ruin her life. How pizen is licensed by law to make men break the law, and then they are punished and hung by the law for doin' what the law expected they would do.

How a woman can protect her dog by payin' a dollar, but can't protect her boy with her hull property and her heart's blood. How mothers are importuned by male statesmen to bring big families into a world full of temptation and ruin, but have no legal rights to protect them from the black dangers licensed by these law-makers.

His face looked so queer, I worried some thinkin' I should git him to cryin' instead of laughin'; but I hurried and told him how our statesmen would flare up now and then and turribly threaten the Mormon who keeps on marryin' some new wives every little while, and then elect him to Congress, and sculp his head on our warship to show foreign nations that America approves of such doin's. And I told him how girls and boys, hardly out of pantalettes and knee breeches, could git married in five minutes, but have to spend months and money to break the ties so easily made and prove they are morally fit to care for the children born of that careless five minute ceremony.

His linement looked scornful at the idee. And I told him how they tax wimmen without representation, and then spend millions rasin' statutes to our forefathers for fightin' agin the same thing. And how statesmen trust wimmen with their happiness, their lives and their honor, but deny 'em the rights they give to wicked men, degenerates, and men whose heads are so soft a fly will slump in if it lights on 'em. To such men (as well as better ones) they give the right to govern the wimmen they love, their good inteligent wives and mothers, rule 'em through life, and award punishment and death to 'em.

"And such men," sez I, "say wimmen don't know enough to vote."

The very idee wuz so weak and inconsistent that it made the man statute hysterical, and he bust out into a peal of derisive laughter, and I took my dollar and walked off, though I knowed enough could be said on this subject to make a stun statute hystericky. I lay out to send the dollar to the W. C. T. U.

Jest after this I met Bildad, and he sez, "I jest see Josiah; he wuz in Steeple Chase Park, talkin' with some girls there."

I didn't wait to ask what they wuz talkin' about, I hoped it wuz religion, but felt dubersome, and hurried there fast as I could. I crossed the automobile track where crowded cars wuz runnin' all the while round and round, past the rows of big high headed mettlesome hosses (this is a pun; they wuz made of metal).

But I passed 'em all as if they wuzn't there; for my mind wuz all took up with the thought, should I find my pardner there talkin' with them girls, and if so, what would be the subject of their conversation? Josiah is sound; but the best of men have weak spots in their armor which the glance of a bright eye will oft-times pierce through and do damage. So, to protect my dear pardner from danger, I pressed forward and wuz let in by a good-lookin' man for twenty-five cents. He gin me a paper locket and told me to be sure and not lose it. It had a man's face on it, and I d'no but he thought I would treasure it on account of that.

I didn't argy with him, but jest looked him coldly in the face and sez, "I am no such a woman, I have got a pardner of my own, though I can't put my hand on him this minute." And I passed on.



CHAPTER SIXTEEN

THE WONDERFUL AND MYSTERIOUS SIGHTS I SAW IN STEEPLE CHASE PARK, AND MY SEARCH THERE FOR MY PARDNER



CHAPTER SIXTEEN

THE WONDERFUL AND MYSTERIOUS SIGHTS I SAW IN STEEPLE CHASE PARK, AND MY SEARCH THERE FOR MY PARDNER

Steeple Chase Park is most as big as Luny Park, but is mostly one huge buildin' covered with glass, and every thing on earth or above, or under the earth, is goin' on there, acres and acres of amusements (so-called) in one glass house.

As I went in, I see a immense mirror turnin' round and round seemin'ly invitin' folks to look. But as I glanced in, I tell the truth when I say, I wuzn't much bigger round than a match, and the thinness made me look as tall as three on me.

"Oh," sez I, "has grief wore my flesh away like this? If it keeps on I shan't dast to take lemonade, for fear I shall fall into the straw and be drowned."

A bystander sez, "Look agin, mom!"

I did and I wuzn't more'n two fingers high, and wide as our barn door.

I most shrieked and sez to myself, "It has come onto me at last, grief and such doin's as I've seen here, has made me crazy as a loon." And I started away almost on a run.

All of a sudden the floor under me which looked solid as my kitchen floor begun to move back and forth with me and sideways and back, to and fro, fro and to, and I goin' with it, one foot goin' one way, and the other foot goin' somewhere else; but by a hurculaneum effort I kep' my equilebrium upright, and made out to git on solid floorin'. But a high-headed female in a hobble skirt, the hobbles hamperin her, fell prostrate. I felt so shook up and wobblin' myself, I thought a little Scripter would stiddy me, and I sez, "Sinners stand on slippery places."

"I see they do!" she snapped out, lookin' at me; "but I can't!"

I sez to myself as I turned away, "I'll bet she meant me." But bein' tuckered out, I sot down on a reliable-lookin' stool, the high-headed woman takin' another one by my side—there wuz a hull row of folks settin' on 'em—when, all of a sudden, I d'no how it wuz done or why, but them stools all sunk right down to the floor bearin' us with 'em onwillin'ly.

I scrambled to my feet quick as I could, and as I riz up I see right in front on me the gigantick, shameless female Bildad had as good as told me Josiah had been flirtin' with. I knowed her to once, the gaudy, flashin' lookin' creeter, bigger than three wimmen ort to be; she wuz ten feet high if she wuz a inch. As she come up to me with mincin' steps, I sez to her in skathin' axents:

"What have you done with my innocent pardner? Where is Josiah Allen? Open your guilty breast and confess." And now I'm tellin' the livin' truth, as she towered up in front on me, her breast did open and a man's face looked out on me. My brain tottled, but righted itself with relief, for it wuz not Josiah; it wuz probable some other woman's husband. But I sez to myself, let every woman take care of her own husband if she can; it hain't my funeral.

And I hurried off till I come out into a kinder open place with some good stiddy chairs to set down on, and some green willers hangin' down their verdant boughs over some posy beds. Nothin' made up about 'em. Oh how good it looked to me to see sunthin' that God had made, and man hadn't dickered with and manufactured to seem different from what it wuz. Thinks I, if I should take hold of one of these feathery green willer sprays it wouldn't turn into a serpent or try to trip me up, or wobble me down. They looked beautiful to me, and beyond 'em I could see the Ocean, another and fur greater reality, real as life, or death, or taxes, or anything else we can't escape from.



Settin' there lookin' off on them mighty everlastin' waves, forever flowin' back and forth, forth and back, the world of the flimsy and the false seemed to pass away and the Real more nigh to me than it did in the painted land of shams and onreality I had been passin' through. And as I meditated on the disgraceful sight I had seen—that gaudy, guilty creeter with a man concealed in her breast. For if it wuzn't a guilty secret, why wuz the door shet and fastened tight, till the searchlight of a woman's indignant eyes brought him to light?

Thinkin' it over calmly and bein' reasonable and just, my feelin's over that female kinder softened down, and I sez to myself, what if there wuz a open winder or door into all our hearts, for outsiders to look in, what would they see? Curious sights, homely ones and beautiful, happy ones and sorrowful, and some kinder betwixt and between. Sacred spots that the nearest ones never got a glimpse on. Eyes that look acrost the coffee pot at you every mornin' never ketched sight on 'em, nor the ones that walk up and down in them hidden gardens. Some with veiled faces mebby, some with reproachful orbs, some white and still, some pert and sassy.

Nothin' wicked, most likely; nothin' the law could touch you for; but most probable it might make trouble if them affectionate eyes opposite could behold 'em, for where love is there is jealousy, and a lovin' woman will be jealous of a shadder or a scare-crow. It is nateral nater and can't be helped. But if she stopped to think on't, she herself has her hid-away nooks in her heart, dark or pleasant landscapes, full of them, you never ketch a glimpse on do the best you can. And jealous curosity goes deep. What would Josiah see through my heart's open door? What would I see in hisen? It most skairs me to think on't. No, it hain't best to have open doors into hearts. Lots of times it would be resky; not wrong, you know, but jest resky.

Thus I sot and eppisoded, lookin' off onto the melancholy ocean, listenin' to her deep sithes, when onbid come the agonizin' thought, "Had Josiah Allen backslid so fur and been so full of remorse and despair, that his small delicate brain had turned over with him, and he had throwed himself into the arms of the melancholy Ocean? Wuz her deep, mournful sithes preparin' me for the heart-breakin' sorrow?" I couldn't abear the thought, and I riz up and walked away. As I did so a bystander sez, "Have you been up on the Awful Tower?"

"No," sez I, "I've been through awful things, enough, accidental like, without layin' plans and climbin' up on 'em." But Hope will always hunch Anxiety out of her high chair in your head and stand up on it. I thought I would go upstairs into another part of the buildin' and mebby I might ketch a glimpse of my pardner in the dense crowd below.

And if you'll believe it, as I wuz walkin' upstairs as peaceful as our old brindle cow goin' up the south hill paster, my skirts begun to billow out till they got as big as a hogsit. I didn't care about its bein' fashion to not bulge out round the bottom of your skirts but hobble in; but I see the folks below wuz laughin' at me, and it madded me some when I hadn't done a thing, only jest walk upstairs peaceable. And I don't know to this day what made my clothes billow out so.

But I went on and acrost to a balcony, and after I went in, a gate snapped shet behind me and I couldn't git back. And when I got to the other side there wuzn't any steps, and if I got down at all I had to slide down. I didn't like to make the venter, but had to, so I tried to forgit my specs and gray hair and fancy I wuz ten years old, in a pig-tail braid, and pantalettes tied on with my stockin's, and sot off. As I went down with lightnin' speed I hadn't time to think much, but I ricollect this thought come into my harassed brain:

Be pardners worth all the trouble I'm havin' and the dretful experiences I'm goin' through? Wouldn't it been better to let him go his length, than to suffer what I'm sufferin'? I reached the floor with such a jolt that my mind didn't answer the question; it didn't have time.

All to once, another wind sprung up from nowhere seemin'ly, and tried its best to blow off my bunnet. But thank Heaven, my good green braize veil tied round it with strong lutestring ribbon, held it on, and I see I still had holt of my trusty cotton umbrell, though the wind had blowed it open, but I shet it and grasped it firmly, thinkin' it wuz my only protector and safeguard now Josiah wuz lost, and I hastened away from that crazy spot.



As I passed on I see a hull lot of long ropes danglin' down. On top of 'em wuz a trolley, and folks would hang onto the handle and slide hundreds of feet through the air. But I didn't venter. Disinclination and rumatiz both made me waive off overtures to try it.

Pretty soon I come to a huge turn-table, big as our barn floor. It wuz still and harmless lookin' when I first see it, and a lot of folks got onto it, thinkin' I spoze it looked so shiny and good they'd like to patronize it. But pretty soon it begun to move, and then to turn faster and faster till the folks couldn't keep their seats and one by one they wuz throwed off, and went down through a hole in the floor I know not where.

As I see 'em disappear one by one in the depths below, thinks I, is that where Josiah Allen has disappeared to? Who knows but he is moulderin' in some underground dungeon, mournin' and pinin' for me and his native land. Of course Reason told me that he couldn't moulder much in two days, but I wuz too much wrought up to listen to Reason, and as I see 'em slide down and disappear, onbeknown to myself I spoke out loud and sez:

"Can it be that Josiah is incarcerated in some dungeon below? If he is, I will find and release him or perish with him."

A woman who looked as if she belonged there, hearn me and sez, "Who is Josiah?" "My pardner," sez I, and I continued, "You have a kind face, mom; have you seen him? Have you seen Josiah Allen?"



"Describe him," sez she, "there wuz a man here just now hunting for some woman."

"Oh, he is very beautiful!"

"Young?" sez she.

"Well, no; about my age or a little older."

"Light complexion? Dark hair and eyes? Stylish dressed?"

"No, wrinkled complexion, bald, and what few hairs he's got, gray."

She smiled; she couldn't see the beauty Love had gilded his image with.

Sez I, "If he's incarcerated in some dungeon below, I too will mount the turn-table of torture, and share his fate or perish on the turn table."

Sez she, "There is no dungeons below; the folks come out into a vast place as big as this. There is just as much to see down there as there is here, just as many people and just as much amusement."

"Amusement!" sez I in a holler voice.

After I left her, I see a whisk broom hangin' up in a handy place, and it had a printed liebill on it, "This whisk broom free." And as my parmetty dress had got kinder dusty a slidin' and wobblin' as I had slode and wobbled, I went to brush off my skirt with it, when all of a sudden somebody or sunthin' gin me a stunnin' blow right in my arm that held the brush. I dropped it without waitin' to argy the matter, and I don't know to this day who or what struck me and what it wuz for. But my conscience wuz clear; I hadn't done nothin'.

I santered on and entered an enclosure seemin'ly made of innocent lookin' fence rails. I wuz kinder attracted to it, for it looked some like the rail fence round our gooseberry bushes. But for the lands sake! it wuzn't like any fence in Jonesville or Zoar, for though it looked innocent, it shet me in tight and I couldn't git out.

I wandered round and round, and out and in, and it wuz a good half hour before I got out, and I d'no but I'd have been there to this day, if a man hadn't come and opened a gate and let me out. Only one thought kep' up my courage in my fruitless wanderings. It wuz all done in plain sight of everybody, and I could see for myself that Josiah wuzn't kep' there in captivity.

There wuz a tall pole in the middle of the Amaze, as they call it (well named, for it is truly amazin'), and the liebill on that pole read, "Climb the pole and ring the bell on it, and we will give you a prize."

I didn't try to climb that pole, and wouldn't if I had been a athleet. How did I know but it would turn into a writhin' serpent, and writhe with me? No, I thought I wouldn't take another resk in that dredful spot. And I wuz glad I thought so, for jest a little ways off, some honest, easy lookin' benches stood invitin' the weary passer-by to set down and rest and recooperate. And right there before my eyes some good lookin' folks sot down on 'em trustin'ly, and the hull bench fell over back with 'em and then riz up agin, they fallin' and risin' with it.

I hastened away and thought I would go up into the second story agin and mebby ketch sight of my pardner, for the crowd had increased. And as I stood there skannin' the immense crowd below to try to ketch a glimpse of my lawful pardner, all to once I see the folks below wuz laughin' at me. I felt to see if my braize veil hung down straight and graceful, and my front hair wuz all right, and my cameo pin fastened. But nothin' wuz amiss, and I wondered what could it be. The balcony wuz divided off into little spaces, five or six feet square, and I stood in one, innocent as a lamb (or mebby it would be more appropriate to say a sheep), and leanin' on the railin', and one sassy boy called out:

"Where wuz you ketched? Are you tame? Wuz you ketched on the Desert of Sara? Did Teddy ketch you for the Government?" and I never knowed till I got down what they wuz laughin' at.

The little boxes in the balcony wuz painted on the outside to represent animal cages. On the one where I had been wuz painted the sign Drumedary. Josiah Allen's wife took for a drumedary—The idee!

But the view I got of the crowd below wuz impressive, and though it seemed to me that everybody in New York and Brooklyn and the adjacent villages and country, wuz all there a Steeple Chasin', yet I knowed there wuz jest as many dreamin' in Dreamland and bein' luny in Luny Park. And Surf Avenue wuz full, and what they called the Bowery of Coney Island, and all the amusement places along the shore. And all on 'em on the move, jostlin' and bein' jostled, foolin' and bein' fooled, laughin' and bein' laughed at.

Why, I wuz told and believe, that sometimes a million folks go to Coney Island on a holiday. And I wuz knowin' myself to over three thousand orphan children goin' there at one time to spend a happy day, the treat bein' gin 'em by some big-hearted men. Plenty to eat and drink, and a hull day of enjoyment, candy, pop corn, circus, etc., bright day, happy hearts, how that day will stand out aginst the dull gray background of their lives! And them men ort to hug themselves thinkin' the thought, over three thousand happinesses wuz set down to their credit in the books of the Recordin' Angel. And I sez to myself, "Samantha, you ort to speak well of anything that so brightens the lives of the children of the great city."

As I went into Dreamland Park, it seemed agin as if all the folks in the city wuz there in the immense inner court, surrounded by amusements on every side. They wuz comin' and goin', talkin', laughin', hurryin', santerin', to and fro, fro and to. Lots on 'em talkin' language I never hearn before, but I thought, poor things, you never had the advantage of livin' in Jonesville, so I overlooked it in 'em.



I see most the first thing as I entered, a place called Creation, and feelin' dubersome that any thing more could be created than what I'd seen that day, I bought a ticket and went in, and to my glad surprise, I found it wuz some like a prayer meetin'. For a man with a loud preachin' voice quoted a lot of Scripter most the first thing. After we all got seated it turned dark as pitch all in a minute. But you could dimly see a vast waste of water, kinder movin' and swashin' to and fro, as if some great force wuz workin' down below. And out of the darkness we hearn that Voice:

"In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth, and the Earth wuz without form and void, and darkness wuz on the face of the deep."

Anon the fiery energy that wuz makin' a planet, wuz hearn in deafenin' peals of thunder, and blazed through the sky in sheets of lightnin' and dartin' balls of flame, quietin' down some after awhile. And the Voice continued:

"The spirit of God moved on the face of the deep. And God said, Let there be light; and there wuz light."

And slowly a faint light dawned and growed brighter and brighter and fleecy clouds appeared. The sky growed golden and rosy in the east, and the sun come up in splendor. Livin' forms appeared in the water, monsters of all kinds and sizes, queerer than any dog I ever see, and the Voice went on:

"And God separated the water from the land." Little peaks of land emerged from the water or it seemed as if the water receeded from them, and gradually the dry land appeared, and soon queer livin' forms appeared on it. And gradually, with green grass and verdure, it become fit for the home of man, and then Adam and Eve appeared. They wuzn't clothed in much besides innocence, but somehow they didn't look so immodest as some of the fashonably dressed females of to-day, with dekolitay and peek-a-boo waists, and skin-tight drapery.

There wuz good Bible talk and sacred music all through the show. And I felt as if I had looked on and seen a world made right before my eyes, and that I would dearly love to make a few myself if I had time, and Josiah wuz willin'. I wuz highly delighted with it and said as much to the female who sot next to me. She had a discontented, onhappy face, and I guess she had enough to make her so, for her husband who sot by her kep' findin' fault with her all the time, till at last she turned—for you know a angle worm will turn if it is trod on enough—and she sez to me, but meant it for her pardner I knowed:

"The lecturer ort to gone on and told how sneakin' mean Adam treated his wife, eatin' the apple, I'll bet down to the very core, and then misusin' her for givin' it to him, and puttin' all the blame on her for bringin' sin into the world, when he wuz jest as much to blame as she wuz."

Sez her husband, "You have to slur men all the time, don't you? You can't see or hear anything without findin' sunthin' to complain of about men. I despise such a sperit; men don't have it."

Now, I love justice, and I hate to see my sect imposed upon, and then whenever or wherever I travel, I always bear with me the honorary title I won honorably. Jest as men take with 'em on sea or land their titles of B. A. or D. D., just so I ever carry the title, won by high minded and strenous effort, Josiah Allen's wife, P. A. and P. I.—Public Adviser and Private Investigator. Here, I thought, is need for a P. A. So I sez to her, yet in a voice her pardner couldn't help hearin':

"I hearn once of a husbands' meetin' in a revival, when the minister asked every man to git up who had complaints to make about his wife. Every man sprung to his feet to once, except one lone man by the door. And the minister sez, 'My friend, you are one man in a million who have no complaints to make about your wife.' The man sez, 'That hain't it; I'm paralyzed, I can't git up.'"

I d'no as the husband I aimed this at took it kind or not, but he didn't nag his wife any more in my hearin'.



CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

IN WHICH I CONTINUE MY SEARCH FOR JOSIAH THROUGH DREAMLAND, HUNTIN' FOR HIM IN VAIN, AND RETURN TO BILDAD'S AT NIGHT, WEARY AND DESPAIRIN'



CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

IN WHICH I CONTINUE MY SEARCH FOR JOSIAH THROUGH DREAMLAND, HUNTIN' FOR HIM IN VAIN, AND RETURN TO BILDAD'S AT NIGHT, WEARY AND DESPAIRIN'

Creation wuz such a good show I felt considerable rested and refreshed when it wuz over. And I thought the woman looked quite a little perter; it duz down-trod folks lots of good to have somebody take their part. I felt kinder good to think I had lightened a sister female's sperit a little, and wuz walkin' along quite comfortable in mind when like an arrow out of a bo, the old pain and anxiety stabbed me afresh. Another hour gone and Josiah Allen not found! What shall I do? Where shall I turn the eyes of my spectacles? Jest as I wuz askin' this question to my troubled soul I hearn a boy speak to another one about a futur' state of punishment in sich a vulgar and familiar way that I turned round to once, carryin' out my roll of Promisicous Adviser, and I sez, "You wicked boys you, to talk so light of your future states, I wonder you dast! If I wuz your mother and had had your bringin' up, you wouldn't dast!"

They looked real impudent at me, and one on 'em sez, "You hain't the money to go with, that's what ails you."

I sez solemnly, "Riches is a snare. I know how hard it is for the eye of a needle to have a camel git through it; I know how the rich man longed for a drop of water. And you'd better meditate on these things and try to git used to heat, instead of talkin' light about 'em!" I don't know how much longer I should have gone on as a P. A. and P. I. but the woman I had befriended stepped up and sez, "He means the show there." And lookin' up, if you'll believe it, I see the words "Hell Gate," and sez she, "I have got two tickets and my husband don't care about goin', won't you go with me?"

I thought to myself, he probably thinks he'll have chances to sample it in the futur, but mebby he wuz jest sulky. But I only sez to her, "It is the last place I ever laid out to go unless I wuz obleeged to. But lead on," sez I recklessly, "I'll foller." For the thought had come to me onbid, How did I know how fur Josiah Allen had back-slided? How did I know but I'd find him there?



But to my great surprise—and I wish Elder Minkley could see it, I thought mebby it would modify his sermons some—the first thing we see wuz a great trough of water, and I said to the woman in surprise, "I never expected that folks would go to this hot place by water!" But we got into a small boat and wuz carried round and round like a whirlpool, till the boat got in the very center, when it dived down into a dark tunnel.

At the further end we climbed out onto a platform, and found ourselves in a long, low-vaulted place, some like a immense tunnel. We could jest ketch a glimpse of a light way off at the end, and we sot off for it, I lookin' clost and sharp on every side for my pardner, hopin' and dreadin' to find him there. When all of a sudden, the most terrific yells and shrieks sounded on every side and we see cages of wild animals on both sides of us movin' up and down howlin' and snarlin'.

Sez the woman, "They're men dressed up as wild beasts."

Sez I, "Have they got to stay here always? Do you spoze it is wrong doin' that has changed 'em into wild animals?" Sez I, "Judgin' from the papers some on 'em wouldn't need much of a turn." But oh, I groaned to myself, "Is Josiah Allen turned into a bear or a cammy leapord! Is he here? I don't believe," sez I to myself, "he has ever been bad enough to be turned into anything worse than a sheep or a rooster." And as I didn't hear any blattin' or crowin', and knowed that if he had seen me he would have tried to communicate with his beloved pardner, I felt hopeful he wuzn't there.

We went on and as soon as we got out she asked me if I didn't want to see the Incubator babies, and bein' agreeable to the idee, we went and see 'em. There they lay in glass cases, pretty little creeters lookin' like wee bits of dolls, I felt sad as I looked down on 'em, and thought on the hard journey them tiny feet must set out on from them glass boxes. What rough crosses the little fingers had got to grasp holt of, and onbeknown to me my mind fell onto the follerin' poetry—

"Our crosses are made from different trees, But we all of us have our Calvaries; We may climb the mount from a different side, But we all go up to be crucified."

Of course, I knowed there would be some bright posies wreathed round the crosses; but there would be thorns in them. And though the road might be soft and agreeable in spots, yet I knowed well what hard rocks there wuz in the highway of life to stub toes on, even common-sized toes, and it did seem a pity such little mites of feet had got to git stun bruises on 'em.

Poor little creeters! I thought, little do you know what sadness and ecstacy, what grief and joy, gloom and glory lays ahead on you. I wuz sorry for 'em, sorry as a dog.

And then I didn't like the idee of the little helpless creeters bein' laid out on exhibition, like shirt buttons, or hooks and eyes, to be stared on by saint and sinner, by eyes tender or cruel—and voices lovin' and hateful to comment on. I felt that the place for little babies wuz to home in the bedroom. And I thought nothin' would tempt me, if Josiah wuz a infant babe, to place him on exhibition like Hamburg edgin', or bobbinet lace. The very idee wuz repugnant to me. And I wuz more than willin' when the female asked me if I didn't want to go and see the midgets, and we went.

And you don't know what interestin' little creeters they wuz, mindin' their own bizness and midgetin' away. Actin' out a little play jest as if a company of dolls had come to life, talkin' and actin'. They seemed to be jest as happy and contented as if they wuz eight or ten feet high and heavy accordin'.

As we left this place the female ketched sight of her husband. He bagoned hautily to her with one finger, and she hastened to jine him. Such is females. And so true it is that love in either sect will rise up above naggin', or any other kind of pardner meanness.

I went forward alone to see the Head Hunters. And I looked on the brown little folks with a feelin' of pity. How did I know they had ever had good advice? I felt here wuz a noble chance for a P. A.

So I sez to 'em, "I've hearn of your doin's, and I want to advise you for your good." They looked at me real stiddy and I went on, "You may think you hain't so guilty because you only take folkses heads. But for the lands sakes! did you ever stop to think on't? What can they do without their heads? Of course," sez I reasonably, "there is a difference in heads. Some folkses heads hain't got so much sense in 'em as others. I've seen 'em myself that I've thought a good wooden head would be jest as useful. But they are the best they've got, and they're attached to 'em, and they can't git along without 'em. And I always thought you might jest as well take their hull bodies whilst you wuz about it. Don't you see that is so? When it is pinted out to you by a P. A.?"



They kinder jabbered over sunthin' to themselves, and I sez as I turned away, "Now, don't let me hear of any more such doin's! Be contented with the heads you've got, and don't try to git somebody elses that don't belong to you." Sez I, "Sunthin' like that, namely stealin' the interior of folkses heads, has been done time and agin among more civilized folks, and it don't work; they git found out."

I left 'em getisculatin' and jabberin' in that strange lingo and am in hopes they wuz promisin' to quit their Head Huntin', but can't tell for certain.

As I santered along a female asked me if I had seen the Divin' Girls, sez she, "There is a immense pond of water, and they are the best divers and swimmers in the world."

But I sez, "Nobody can dive into deeper depths than I have doven to-day."

"The ocean?" sez she.

"Oceans of anxiety," sez I, "rivers of grief." I spoze my dretful emotions showed on my linement, and to git my mind off she sez, "You ort to see the aligators."

I'd hearn they had immense tanks of water as long as from our house to Philander Dagget's, holdin' thousands and thousands and thousands of aligators, from them jest born, to them a hundred years old, from them the size of your little finger weighin' a few ounces, to them big as elephants, weighin' two tons.

But I told her I could worry along for years without aligators, I never seemed to hanker for 'em, I wouldn't take 'em as a gift if I had to let 'em have the run of the house. Humbly things! though I spoze they hain't to blame for their looks, or their temperses, which are fierce. And I didn't go into the big animal house, thinkin' I wuz so dog tired that I would go back to Bildad's and come back the next day and see all the animals and birds and the hundreds of other shows I'd had to slight that day, enough to devour days of stiddy sight seein'. The Siege of Richmond, The Great Divide, Switzerland, Congress of Nations, Indian Village, The Orient, Bathin' Pavilions, Japanese Tea Gardens, and etc.

I did want to see the Shimpanzee who duz everything but talk. And I thought mebby the reason he wuz so close-mouthed wuz because he hearn so much talkin' he wuz sick on't, as I wuz, and made a sample of himself. But if he did nobody follered it, no indeed! Why, you jest spozen a hundred swarms of bees big as giants, with buzzes big accordin', all a swarmin' and a buzzin', and you'll git a little idee of the noise and tumult of Coney Island. But you won't spozen' fur enough, I don't believe. Yes, I laid out to spend considerable time in Dreamland next day. But little did I think of what a day might bring forth, and have got it to think on like them that lose friends, "Oh why didn't I do thus and so? And now it is too late to wait on 'em, and pay attention to 'em?" But I'm leadin' a melancholy horse up to a mournin' wagon, before the thills are on, so I'll stop eppisodin' and resoom forwards. Jest outside the gate of Dreamland I met Bildad, and he sez, "Have you found Josiah yet?"

"No," I sez in despairin' axents, "I hain't seen hide nor hair on him."

And he sez, "Mebby he's gone in bathin'."

"No," I sez, "He took a bath in the wash-tub the night before he come here, and he hain't a man that will wash oftener than he has to."

Sez he, "Hundreds of folks take sand baths, lay in the sand and throw it at each other, cover themselves up in it."

"What for?" I sez.

"Oh, jest for fun. They'll go into the water mebby, and then come ashore and roll and tumble in the sand, men, wimmen, and children, mostly foreigners," sez he.

I sez, "It don't seem as if Josiah would go into that bizness; he always despised sand."

"Well," sez he, "as I come by there jest now, I see somebody that looked like Josiah, goin' towards the beach with a girl by him."

I turned onto my heel to once and asked sternly, "Where is that beach? And where is that sand?" He told me and I made for it to once. I hain't got a jealous hair in my head, but I thought I'd go. Well, it wuz a sight to see, acres and acres of sand dotted with men, wimmen, and children. And beyond, the melancholy ocean, also dotted with swimming heads, with bodies attached, so I spozed. Well might Atlantic be melancholy to see such sights, hundreds of folks comin' out of the water, hundreds goin' in, and other hundreds walkin' or rollin' in the sand or throwin' it at each other or half covered up with it.

And as for the clothes they had on, I thought no wonder the Ocean and I sithed to see it, no money would tempt me to wear 'em to mill or meetin', or to let Josiah wear 'em. They didn't look decent. Either they wuz scrimped for cloth, or they wanted to look so; whichever way it wuz, I pitied 'em.



But where wuz Josiah? On every side wuz folks settin' and walkin', and mounds of sand with sometimes a head stickin' out, or a foot, or a arm, or a nose. I had hard work to keep from treadin' on 'em. There would be little hillocks of sand with mebby a child's head or foot stickin' out.

Anon a mound over a fat man or a woman big as a hay stack. I walked along for some time keepin' a clost watch on every side, but no Josiah did I see nor no mound I felt wuz hisen, till jest as I wuz ready to drop down with fatigue with my arjous work to keep from treadin' on folks, I ketched sight of a nose stickin' out of a small mound that I thought sure I reconized. My heart bounded at the sight. My first look wuz to see if any girl mound wuz nigh him. But there wuzn't nothin' but some children's heads and feet stickin' about, and I hastened to that nose and poked the sand from it with my umbrell cryin':

"Dear Josiah! Is this indeed your nose? Have I found you at last?"

When to my horrow a fierce red whiskered face rared itself up from the sand, and jabbored at me in a onknown tongue; onknown the words, but the language of anger can be read in any tongue. Hisen betokened the most intense madness, and I spoze that in my agitation I might have jabbed him some with my umbrell, and I hastened away, tromplin' as I did so in my haste on various heads and arms, and follered by loud busts of what I most know wuz blood curdlin' profanity, though not Jonesville swearin'.

Well, I wuz tired out and discouraged. No Josiah, no pardner! I felt some like a grass widder, or I guess it wuz more like a real widder. 'Tennyrate my feelin's wuz too awful to describe, so lonesome, so cast-down and deprested. And no knowin' as I would ever feel any better, no knowin' if that dear man would ever be found. And what would life be without him? Nothin' but a holler mockery filled with movin' shadders, the Reality of life gone and lost.

Night wuz comin' on apace and I thought I might as well abandon my quest for the time, so I returned to Bildad's feelin' some as if I wuz a sickly serial readin'—"To be continued in our next." For I knowed that I would resoom the search bright and early, and find that man or perish in my tracks.

Friday—onlucky day, as it has always been called—had gone to jine the days of the past. I sot on the piazza at Bildad's lookin' out on the seen that, bewilderin' as it wuz by daylight, wuz ten times more bewilderin'ly beautiful by night. Like stars in the tropics, the electric lights flashed out over the hull place, the greatest number of electric lights in the same space in the world, I wuz told and believe.

Every pinnacle, battlement, tower, balcony, winder, ruff, wuz edged with the blazin' fire embroidery. And the tall mountains, palaces, graceful bridges, piers, pleasure places of all kinds, looked fairy like, under the friendly hand of Night. And 'way up to the very heavens Dreamland tower lifted itself, a gigantic shaft of dazzling brilliancy, dominatin' the hull island. Passingly beautiful tower by night or day, the first thing the homesick mariner sees as he approaches his Homeland.

Thousands and thousands and thousands of gay pleasure seekers trod the walks to and fro. Thousands and thousands more, rich and poor dined in the gay restaurants and balconies, surrounded with flowers and light and music. And still other thousands enjoyed the myriad amusements afforded them. Bildad's sister, who wuz on a visit there from Hoboken, thinks it aristocratick, and herself more refined and rare to run the place down. Lots of folks do that; they go there and stay from mornin' till night, go up in the Awful Tower, take in every Bump-de-Bump and Wobble-de-Wobble, and then turn up their noses talkin' to outsiders about it, as fur as their different noses will turn. She was lame at the time from tromplin' all over the place for the past week. But she sez to me (with her nose turned up as fur as it could, bein' a pug to start with):

"It is Common people who come here mostly." And she kinder glared at me as if mistrustin' I wuz one of 'em.

And I sez, "Well, you know, Lucindy, who it wuz the common people received gladly, and who dwelt among them? And you know Lincoln said, 'It must be the Lord liked the common people, He made so many on 'em.'"

She didn't reply, only with her nose, which looked disdainful. And I sez to myself in astonishment, "Can this be Samantha, praisin' up what she has always run down?" But I had to own up to myself that though I had seen many places more congenial to me, yet I wuz glad that so many people, some of 'em cut off from the beauty of life, could come here quickly and easily, and forgit their cares and toil for awhile, and go home refreshed and ready to take up their burdens agin. And the children, God bless them! I knowed it wuz indeed to them, the big Wonder Place, and beauty spot of the world and their life.



CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

JOSIAH FOUND AT LAST! THE AWFUL FIRE AT DREAMLAND AND THE TERRIBLE SIGHTS I SAW THERE



CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

JOSIAH FOUND AT LAST! THE AWFUL FIRE AT DREAMLAND AND THE TERRIBLE SIGHTS I SAW THERE

I didn't go out that evenin', weariness and rumatiz both kep me to home a settin' on that piazza. And in vain for me did the countless lights burn and blaze. The great tower that lighted up the deep breast of the Atlantic, for milds and milds, couldn't light up my gloomy sperit.

Where wuz my Josiah? Where wuz the pardner of my youth? In vain did the melogious music blare out its loudest blares, it brought no bam to my sperit. I sot and looked on the countless hosts passin' by as if they wuzn't there, the man I loved wuz not among 'em. I sot there lost in mournful thought till the endless crowd gradually dispersed. The music ceased, the lights went out. The hand of Midnight let down her dark mantilly of repose, spangled with stars, Silence sot on the throne Noise had vacated.

The great City of Mirth wuz asleep. Only the Atlantic and Samantha seemed awake, the Ocean's deep voice sounded out in the same ontranslated language it has from the creation, and will I spoze till there is no more sea. Ontranslated to most, but to me it thundered out, Swish!—Swosh!—Roar! Where is Josiah? Where is Josiah? Where? Where? Swish!—Swosh!—Roar!

I didn't want to go to bed, but knowed I needed rest for another arjous day of Husband huntin'. I retired to bed but not to sleep. Anxiety and Grief lay on both sides on me and crowded me, and prodded me with their sharp elbows.

But I spoze I must have droze off, for all to once I wuz passin' through a great silent city. Hours and hours I trod up and down broad stun highways, through endless parks and Pleasure Places, climbin' interminable flights of marble stairs, walkin' through immense picture galleries. Days and days went by, whilst I wuz conductin' this quest through a deserted city, searchin' for sunthin' I couldn't name. Till at last I lay wore out, on a couch, and Josiah wuz bendin' over me. He had a small green hat sot rakishly on one side, a red neck-tie flashed out, a immense cigar wuz in his mouth, out of which streamed a flame of fire. As he bent over me, and I see his dissolute linement and mean, I groaned out, "Oh Josiah, is it thus we meet?"