QUOTES AND IMAGES FROM MARK TWAIN



QUOTATIONS FROM MARK TWAIN



SOME OF THE EDITOR'S FAVORITES

Aim and object of the law and lawyers was to defeat justice

All life seems to be sacred except human life

Always trying to build a house by beginning at the top

Believed it; because she desired to believe it

Best intentions and the frailest resolution

But it is an ill-wind that blows nobody good

But there are liars everywhere this year

Cayote is a living, breathing allegory of Want

Children were clothed in nothing but sunshine

Contempt of Court on the part of a horse

Fertile in invention and elastic in conscience

Fun—but of a mild type

Grief that is too deep to find help in moan or groan or outcry

Haughty humility

I was not scared, but I was considerably agitated

I had a delicacy about going home and getting thrashed

If the man doesn't believe as we do, we say he is a crank

Imagination to help his memory

Invariably allowed a half for shrinkage in his statements

It used to be a good hotel, but that proves nothing

It is easier to stay out than get out

It had cost something to upholster these women

Keg of these nails—of the true cross

Let me take your grief and help you carry it

Life a vanity and a burden, and the future but a way to death

Man is the only animal that blushes—or needs to

Man was not a liar he only missed it by the skin of his teeth

Money is most difficult to get when people need it most

Native canoe is an irresponsible looking contrivance

No people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined ones

No nation occupies a foot of land that was not stolen

Nothing that glitters is gold

Notion that he is less savage than the other savages

Nursed his woe and exalted it

Ostentatious of his modesty

Otherwise they would have thought I was afraid, which I was

People talk so glibly of "feeling," "expression," "tone,"

Pity is for the living, Envy is for the dead

Predominance of the imagination over the judgment

Profound respect for chastity—in other people

Prosperity is the best protector of principle

Received with a large silence that suggested doubt

Road, which did not seem to know its own mind exactly

Room to turn around in, but not to swing a cat

Scenery in California requires distance

Seventy is old enough—after that, there is too much risk

Sleep that heals all heart-aches and ends all sorrows

Slept, if one might call such a condition by so strong a name

Smell about them which is peculiar but not entertaining

Takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you

The man with a new idea is a Crank until the idea succeeds

To a delicate stomach even imaginary smoke can convey damage

Tourists showing how things ought to be managed

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness

Uncomplaining impoliteness

Very pleasant man if you were not in his way

Virtuous to the verge of eccentricity

Wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two millions

We ought never to do wrong when people are looking

We must create, a public opinion, said Senator Dilworthy

Well provided with cigars and other necessaries of life

What's a fair wind for us is a head wind to them

Whichever one they get is the one they want

Worth while to get tired out, because one so enjoys resting

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been

Your absence when you are present



A FEW SELECTED BOOKS

FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR

Against nature to take an interest in familiar things Age after age, the barren and meaningless process All life seems to be sacred except human life But there are liars everywhere this year Capacity must be shown (in other work); in the law, concealment of it will do Christmas brings harassment and dread to many excellent people Climate which nothing can stand except rocks Creature which was everything in general and nothing in particular Custom supersedes all other forms of law Death in life; death without its privileges Every one is a moon, and has a dark side Exercise, for such as like that kind of work Explain the inexplicable Faith is believing what you know ain't so Forbids betting on a sure thing Forgotten fact is news when it comes again Get your formalities right—never mind about the moralities Give thanks that Christmas comes but once a year Good protections against temptations; but the surest is cowardice Goody-goody puerilities and dreary moralities Habit of assimilating incredibilities Human pride is not worth while Hunger is the handmaid of genius If the man doesn't believe as we do, we say he is a crank Inherited prejudices in favor of hoary ignorances It is easier to stay out than get out Man is the only animal that blushes—or needs to Meddling philanthropists Melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy Moral sense, and there is an Immoral Sense Most satisfactory pet—never coming when he is called Natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs Neglected her habits, and hadn't any Never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt No nation occupies a foot of land that was not stolen No people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined ones Notion that he is less savage than the other savages Only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want Ostentatious of his modesty Otherwise they would have thought I was afraid, which I was Pity is for the living, Envy is for the dead Prosperity is the best protector of principle Received with a large silence that suggested doubt Seventy is old enough—after that, there is too much risk Silent lie and a spoken one Sinking vessel, with no freight in her to throw over Takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you Thankfulness is not so general The man with a new idea is a Crank until the idea succeeds This is a poor old ship, and ought to be insured and sunk To a delicate stomach even imaginary smoke can convey damage Tourists showing how things ought to be managed Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been



THE INNOCENTS ABROAD

Ancient painters never succeeded in denationalizing themselves Apocryphal New Testament Astonishing talent for seeing things that had already passed Bade our party a kind good-bye, and proceeded to count spoons Base flattery to call them immoral Bones of St Denis But it is an ill-wind that blows nobody good Buy the man out, goodwill and all By dividing this statement up among eight Carry soap with them Chapel of the Invention of the Cross Christopher Colombo Clustered thick with stony, mutilated saints Commend me to Fennimore Cooper to find beauty in the Indians Conceived a sort of unwarrantable unfriendliness Confer the rest of their disastrous patronage on some other firm Creator made Italy from designs by Michael Angelo! Cringing spirit of those great men Diffident young man, mild of moustache, affluent of hair Expression Felt that it was not right to steal grapes Fenimore Cooper Indians Filed away among the archives of Russia—in the stove For dismal scenery, I think Palestine must be the prince Free from self-consciousness—which is at breakfast Fumigation is cheaper than soap Fun—but of a mild type Getting rich very deliberately—very deliberately indeed Guides Have a prodigious quantity of mind He never bored but he struck water He ought to be dammed—or leveed Holy Family always lived in grottoes How tame a sight his country's flag is at home I am going to try to worry along without it I carried the sash along with me—I did not need the sash I had a delicacy about going home and getting thrashed I was not scared, but I was considerably agitated Is, ah—is he dead? It is a hopeless, dreary, heart-broken land It is inferior—for coffee—but it is pretty fair tea It used to be a good hotel, but that proves nothing It was warm. It was the warmest place I ever was in Joshua Journals so voluminously begun Keg of these nails—of the true cross Lean and mean old age Man peculiarly and insufferably self-conceited: not seasick Marks the exact centre of the earth Nauseous adulation of princely patrons Never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language Never left any chance for newspaper controversies Never uses a one-syllable word when he can think of a longer one No satisfaction in being a Pope in those days Not afraid of a million Bedouins Not bring ourselves to think St John had two sets of ashes Old Travelers One is apt to overestimate beauty when it is rare Only solitary thing one does not smell in Turkey Oriental splendor! Original first shoddy contract mentioned in history Overflowing his banks People talk so glibly of "feeling," "expression," "tone," Perdition catch all the guides Picture which one ought to see once—not oftener Polite hotel waiter who isn't an idiot Relic matter a little overdone? Room to turn around in, but not to swing a cat Saviour, who seems to be of little importance any where in Rome Self-satisfied monarch, the railroad conductor of America Sentimental praises of the Arab's idolatry of his horse She assumes a crushing dignity Shepherd's Hotel, which is the worst on earth Smell about them which is peculiar but not entertaining Some people can not stand prosperity Somewhat singular taste in the matter of relics St Charles Borromeo, Bishop of Milan St Helena, the mother of Constantine Starving to death Stirring times here for a while if the last trump should blow Tahoe means grasshoppers. It means grasshopper soup The information the ancients didn't have was very voluminous The Last Supper There was a good deal of sameness about it They were like nearly all the Frenchwomen I ever saw—homely They were seasick. And I was glad of it Those delightful parrots who have "been here before" To give birth to an idea Toll the signal for the St Bartholomew's Massacre Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness Uncomplaining impoliteness Under the charitable moon Used fine tooth combs—successfully Venitian visiting young ladies Wandering Jew Wasn't enough of it to make a pie We all like to see people seasick when we are not, ourselves Well provided with cigars and other necessaries of life What's a fair wind for us is a head wind to them Whichever one they get is the one they want Who have actually forgotten their mother tongue in three months Worth while to get tired out, because one so enjoys resting



ROUGHING IT

Aim and object of the law and lawyers was to defeat justice American saddle Cayote is a living, breathing allegory of Want Children were clothed in nothing but sunshine Contempt of Court on the part of a horse Feared a great deal more than the almighty Fertile in invention and elastic in conscience Give one's watch a good long undisturbed spell He was nearly lightnin' on superintending He was one of the deadest men that ever lived Hotel clerk who was crusty and disobliging I had never seen lightning go like that horse Juries composed of fools and rascals List of things which we had seen and some other people had not Man was not a liar he only missed it by the skin of his teeth Most impossible reminiscences sound plausible Native canoe is an irresponsible looking contrivance Never knew there was a hell! Nothing that glitters is gold Profound respect for chastity—in other people Scenery in California requires distance Slept, if one might call such a condition by so strong a name Useful information and entertaining nonsense Virtuous to the verge of eccentricity



THE GILDED AGE

Accidental murder resulting from justifiable insanity Always trying to build a house by beginning at the top Appropriation Beautiful credit! The foundation of modern society Believed it; because she desired to believe it Best intentions and the frailest resolution Big babies with beards Cheap sentiment and high and mighty dialogue Conscious superiority Does your doctor know any thing Enjoy icebergs—as scenery but not as company Erie RR: causeway of cracked rails and cows, to the West Fever of speculation Final resort of the disappointed of her sex, the lecture platform Geographical habits Get away and find a place where he could despise himself Gossips were soon at work Grand old benevolent National Asylum for the Helpless Grief that is too deep to find help in moan or groan or outcry Haughty humility Having no factitious weight of dignity to carry Imagination to help his memory Invariably advised to settle—no matter how, but settle Invariably allowed a half for shrinkage in his statements Is this your first visit? It had cost something to upholster these women Large amount of money necessary to make a small hole Later years brought their disenchanting wisdom Let me take your grief and help you carry it Life a vanity and a burden, and the future but a way to death Mail train which has never run over a cow Meant no harm they only wanted to know Money is most difficult to get when people need it most Never sewed when she could avoid it. Bless her! Nursed his woe and exalted it Predominance of the imagination over the judgment Question was asked and answered—in their eyes Riches enough to be able to gratify reasonable desires Road, which did not seem to know its own mind exactly Sarcasms of fate Sleep that heals all heart-aches and ends all sorrows Small gossip stood a very poor chance Sun bothers along over the Atlantic Think a Congress of ours could convict the devil of anything Titles never die in America Too much grace and too little wine Understood the virtues of "addition, division and silence" Unlimited reliance upon human promises Very pleasant man if you were not in his way Wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two millions "We must create, a public opinion," said Senator Dilworthy We'll make you think you never was at home before We've all got to come to it at last, anyway! Widened, and deepened, and straightened—(Public river Project) Wished that she could see his sufferings now Your absence when you are present



MARK TWAIN'S SPEECHES

A little pride always goes along with a teaspoonful of brains Ain't any real difference between triplets and an insurrection Chastity, you can carry it too far Classic: everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read Don't know anything and can't do anything Dwell on the particulars with senile rapture Future great historian is lying—and doubtless will continue to Head is full of history, and some of it is true, too Humor enlivens and enlightens his morality I shall never be as dead again as I was then If can't make seventy by any but an uncomfortable road: don't go Kill a lot of poets for writing about "Beautiful Spring" Live upon the property of their heirs so long Morality is all the better for his humor Morals: rather teach them than practice them any day Never been in jail, and the other is, I don't know why Never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake Patriotism is usually the refuge of the scoundrel Please state what figure you hold him at—and return the basket Principles is another name for prejudices She bears our children—ours as a general thing Some civilized women would lose half their charm without dress The Essex band done the best it could Time-expired man, to use Kipling's military phrase To exaggerate is the only way I can approximate to the truth Two kinds of Christian morals, one private and the other public What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? When in doubt, tell the truth Women always want to know what is going on



SKETCHES NEW AND OLD

A wood-fire is not a permanent thing Accessory before the fact to his own murder Aggregate to positive unhappiness Always brought in 'not guilty' Apocryphal was no slouch of a word, emanating from the source Assertion is not proof Early to bed and early to rise I am useless and a nuisance, a cumberer of the earth I never was so scared before and survived it If I had sprung a leak now I had been lost Just about cats enough for three apiece all around Looked a look of vicious happiness Lucid and unintoxicated intervals No matter how absurd and unreasonable their demands No public can withstand magnanimity Not because I was afraid, but because I wanted to (go out the window) Permanent reliable enemy Science only needed a spoonful of supposition to build a mountain State of mind bordering on impatience Walking five miles to fish Was a good deal annoyed when it appeared he was going to die



TWAIN'S LETTERS V1 1835-1866

A mighty national menace to sham All talk and no cider Condition my room is always in when you are not around Deprived of the soothing consolation of swearing Frankness is a jewel; only the young can afford it Genius defies the laws of perspective Hope deferred maketh the heart sick I never greatly envied anybody but the dead In the long analysis of the ages it is the truth that counts Just about enough cats to go round Moral bulwark reared against hypocrisy and superstition The coveted estate of silence, time's only absolute gift We went outside to keep from getting wet What a pleasure there is in revenge! When in doubt, tell the truth When it is my turn, I don't



TWAIN'S LETTERS V4 1886-1900

And I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55 Argument against suicide Conversationally being yelled at Dead people who go through the motions of life Die in the promptest kind of a way and no fooling around Heroic endurance that resembles contentment Honest men must be pretty scarce I wonder how they can lie so. It comes of practice, no doubt If this is going to be too much trouble to you One should be gentle with the ignorant Sunday is the only day that brings unbearable leisure Symbol of the human race ought to be an ax What a pity it is that one's adventures never happen!



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