LIPOCHKA. There you go, crying! Honestly, aren't you ashamed, mamma? What do you mean by blockhead?

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. [Weeping] The words came out of themselves. I couldn't help it.

BOLSHOV. What made you start this bawling? If anybody asks you, you don't know yourself.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. I don't know, my dear, I don't know; the fit just came over me.

BOLSHOV. That's it, just foolishness. Tears come cheap with you.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Yes, my dear, they do! They do! I know myself that they come cheap; but how can you help it?

LIPOCHKA. Fudge, mamma, how you act! Stop it! Now, he'll come any moment—what's the use?

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. I'll stop, child, I'll stop; I'll stop right off!



SCENE III

The same, and USTINYA NAUMOVNA

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. [Entering] How are you, my jewels! What are you gloomy and down in the dumps for?

[Kisses are exchanged.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. We'd about given you up.

LIPOCHKA. Well, Ustinya Naumovna, will he come soon?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. It's my fault, I own up at once; it's my fault! But our affairs, my jewels, aren't in a very good way.

LIPOCHKA. How! What do you mean by that?

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Now what new notion have you got?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Why, my pearls, our suitor is wavering.

BOLSHOV. Ha, ha, ha! You're a great go-between! How are you going to make a match?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. He's like a balky horse, he won't whoa nor giddup. You can't get a sensible word out of him.

LIPOCHKA. But what's this, Ustinya Naumovna? What do you mean, really?

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Holy saints! How can it be!

LIPOCHKA. Have you just seen him?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. I was at his house this morning. He came out just as he was, in his dressing-gown; but he treated me, be it said to his honor. He ordered coffee, and rum, and heaps of fancy crackers—simply piles of them. "Eat away!" says he, "Ustinya Naumovna." I had come on business, you know, so it was necessary to find out something definite. So I said: "You wanted to go to-day and get acquainted." But on that subject he wouldn't say a sensible word to me. "Well," he said, "we'll think it over, and advise about it." And all he did was pull at the cords of his dressing-gown.

LIPOCHKA. Why does he just fold his arms and sentimentalize? Why, it's disgusting to see how long this lasts.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Really, now, why is he showing off? Aren't we as good as he is?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Plague take him; can't we find another fellow?

BOLSHOV. Don't you look for another, or the same thing will happen again. I'll find another for you myself.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Yes, much you will, unless you get down off the stove and hustle. You've actually forgotten, I think, that you have a daughter.

BOLSHOV. We'll see!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. We'll see what? We'll see nothing! Bah—don't talk to me, please; don't aggravate me. [She sits down.

BOLSHOV bursts out laughing; USTINYA NAUMOVNA walks off with LIPOCHKA to the other side of the stage. USTINYA NAUMOVNA inspects the girl's dress.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. My! how you're dolled up—that dress certainly makes you look better. You didn't make it yourself, did you?

LIPOCHKA. Horrible need I had of making it! Why, do you think we're beggars? What are dressmakers for?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Beggars, the idea! Who's saying anything so foolish to you? They can tell from your house-keeping that you didn't make it yourself. However, your dress is a fright.

LIPOCHKA. What's the matter with you? Have you lost your wits? Where are your eyes? What gave you that wild notion?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. What are you getting on your high horse for?

LIPOCHKA. Nonsense! Think I'll stand such rubbish? What, am I an uncultivated hussy!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. What are you taking on so for? Where did such a caprice come from? Am I finding fault with your dress? Why, isn't it a dress?—and anybody will say it's a dress. But it isn't becoming to you; it's absolutely not the right thing for your style of beauty—blot out my soul if I lie. For you a gold one would be little enough; let's have one embroidered with seed-pearls. Ah! there you smile, my jewel! You see, I know what I'm talking about!

TISHKA. [Entering] Sysoy Psoich wants me to ask whether he, says he, can come in. He's out there with Lazar Elizarych.

BOLSHOV. March! Call him in here with Lazar.

TISHKA goes out.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Well, now, the relish isn't ready for nothing: we'll take a snack. Now, Ustinya Naumovna, I suppose you've been wanting a drop of vodka for a long time?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Just the thing—it's one o'clock, the admiral's lunch-time.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Now, Samson Silych, move out of that place; what are you sitting there like that for?

BOLSHOV. Wait a minute; they're coming up. There's time enough.

LIPOCHKA. Mamma, I'll go change my dress.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Run along, my dear, run along.

BOLSHOV. Wait a minute before changing—there's a suitor coming.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. What sort of a suitor can that be? Quit your fooling.

BOLSHOV. Wait a bit, Lipa, there's a suitor coming.

LIPOCHKA. Who is it, daddy? Do I know him or not?

BOLSHOV. You'll see him in a minute; and then, perhaps, you'll recognize him.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. What are you listening to him for? What sort of a clown is coming? He's just talking to hear himself talk.

BOLSHOV. I told you that he was coming; and I usually know what I'm talking about.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. If anybody were actually coming, then you'd be talking sense; but you keep saying he's coming, he's coming, but God knows who it is that's coming. It's always like that.

LIPOCHKA. Well, in that case I'll stay, mamma. [She goes to the mirror and looks at herself. Then to her father] Daddy!

BOLSHOV. What do you want?

LIPOCHKA. I'm ashamed to tell you, daddy!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Ashamed of what, you little fool? Speak out if you need anything.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Shame isn't smoke—it won't eat out your eyes.

LIPOCHKA. No, by heavens, I'm ashamed!

BOLSHOV. Well, hide your face if you're ashamed!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Do you want a new hat; is that it?

LIPOCHKA. There! you didn't guess it. No, not a hat.

BOLSHOV. Then what do you want?

LIPOCHKA. To marry a soldier!

BOLSHOV. Just listen to that!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Wake up, you shameless girl! Lord help you!

LIPOCHKA. Why—you see, others marry soldiers.

BOLSHOV. Well, let 'em marry 'em; you just sit by the sea and wait for a fair breeze.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. And don't you dare give me any of your lip! I won't give you my mother's blessing.



SCENE IV

The same and LAZAR, RISPOLOZHENSKY, and FOMINISHNA in the doorway.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. How do you do, my dear Samson Silych! How do you do, my dear Agrafena Kondratyevna! Olimpiada Samsonovna, how do you do!

BOLSHOV. How are you, old man, how are you! Do us the favor to sit down. You sit down, too, Lazar!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Won't you have a snack? I have a relish all ready for you.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Why shouldn't I, dear lady? I'd just like a thimbleful of something now.

BOLSHOV. Let's all go in together pretty soon; but now, meanwhile, we can have a little talk.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Why not have a little talk? D'you know, my jewels, I heard—it must have been printed in the newspaper, whether it's true or not—that a second Bonaparte has been born, and it may be, my jewels——

BOLSHOV. Bonaparte's all right, but we'll trust most of all in the mercy of God; it's not a question of that now.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. What is it a question of, my pearl?

BOLSHOV. Why, about the fact that our years are approaching their decline; our health also is failing every minute, and the Creator alone can foresee what is ahead. So we have proposed, while we're still living, to give in marriage our only daughter; and in regard to her settlement we may hope also that she'll not bring into ill repute our resources and origin; above all, in other people's eyes.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Just hear how sweetly he tells that, the jewel!

BOLSHOV. And since now our daughter is here in person, and in view of the fact that we are convinced of the honorable conduct and the sufficient means of our future son-in-law, which for us is a matter of extreme concern, in consideration of God's blessing, we hereby designate him in the presence of these witnesses. Lipa, come here.

LIPOCHKA. What do you want, daddy?

BOLSHOV. Come here to me. I shan't eat you, never fear. Well, now, Lazar, toddle up!

PODKHALYUZIN. Been ready a long time, sir!

BOLSHOV. Now, Lipa, give me your hand.

LIPOCHKA. How! What nonsense is this? Where did you get this rubbish?

BOLSHOV. Look out that I don't have to force you!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Now you're catching it, young lady!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Lord! What on earth is this?

LIPOCHKA. I don't want to! I don't want to! I won't marry anything so disgusting!

FOMINISHNA. The power of the cross be with us!

PODKHALYUZIN. Evidently, daddy, it's not for me to see happiness in this world! Evidently, sir, it can't be as you would wish!

BOLSHOV. [Seizes LIPOCHKA violently by the arm; takes LAZAR'S hand] Why can't it, if I want it to be? What am I your father for, if not to command you? Have I fed her for nothing?

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. What're you doing! What're you doing! Recollect yourself!

BOLSHOV. Stay on your own side of the fence! This is none of your business! Well, Lipa! Here's your future husband! I ask you to love and cherish him! Sit down side by side and talk nice; and then we'll have a fine dinner and set about the wedding.

LIPOCHKA. What! Do you think I want to sit down with that booby! What nonsense!

BOLSHOV. If you won't sit down, I'll sit you down, and put an end to your monkey-business!

LIPOCHKA. Who ever heard of educated young ladies being married off to their employees!

BOLSHOV. Better shut up! If I say so, you'll marry the porter. [Silence.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Say, now, Agrafena Kondratyevna, if that isn't a pity!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. I myself, the mother, am as much in the dark as a clothes-closet. And I can't understand what in the world has caused this!

FOMINISHNA. Lord! I'm past sixty, and how many weddings I've seen; but I've never seen anything so shameful as this.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. What do you mean, you murderers; do you want to dishonor the girl?

BOLSHOV. Yes, much I have to listen to your high-falutin' talk. I've decided to marry my daughter to a clerk, and I'll have my way, and don't you dare argue; I don't give a hang for anybody. Come now, we'll go take a snack; but just let them kid each other, and maybe they'll make it up somehow or other.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Let's go, Samson Silych, and you and I, for company, will just take a thimbleful. Yes, yes, Agrafena Kondratyevna, that's the first duty, that children should obey their parents. We didn't start that custom, and we shan't see the last of it.

They all rise and go out except LIPOCHKA, PODKHALYUZIN, and AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA.

LIPOCHKA. Mamma, what does this mean? Does he want to make a cook of me? [She weeps.

PODKHALYUZIN. Mamma, ma'am! Such a son-in-law as will respect you and, naturally, make your old age happy, aside from me you won't find, ma'am.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. How are you going to do that, my dear?

PODKHALYUZIN. Mamma, ma'am! God has made me aspire so high, ma'am for this reason, ma'am, because the other fellow, mamma, will turn you down flat, ma'am; but I, till I land in my coffin [weeps], must have feeling, ma'am!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Ah, saints alive! But how can this be?

BOLSHOV. [Through the door] Wife, come here!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Coming, my dear, coming!

PODKHALYUZIN. Mamma, you remember the word I said just now!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA goes out.



SCENE V

LIPOCHKA and PODKHALYUZIN

Silence

PODKHALYUZIN. Olimpiada Samsonovna, ma'am! Olimpiada Samsonovna! I suppose you abominate me? Say only one word, ma'am! Just let me kiss your little hand!

LIPOCHKA. You blockhead, you ignorant lout!

PODKHALYUZIN. But why, Olimpiada Samsonovna, do you want to insult me, ma'am?

LIPOCHKA. I'll tell you once, now and forever, that I won't marry you, and I won't!

PODKHALYUZIN. That's just as you please, ma'am! Love can't be forced. Only here's what I want to announce to you, ma'am——

LIPOCHKA. I won't listen to you; go away from me! As if you were an educated gentleman! You see that I wouldn't marry you for anything in the world—you ought to break off yourself!

PODKHALYUZIN. Now, Olimpiada Samsonovna, you were pleased to say "break off." Only, if I should break off, what would happen then, ma'am?

LIPOCHKA. Why, the thing that would happen would be that I'd marry an aristocrat.

PODKHALYUZIN. An aristocrat, ma'am! But an aristocrat won't take you without a dowry!

LIPOCHKA. What do you mean, without dowry? What are you talking about? Just take a look and see what kind of a dowry I have; it fairly hits you in the face!

PODKHALYUZIN. Those dish-rags, ma'am? A nobleman won't take dish-rags. A nobleman wants it in cash, ma'am.

LIPOCHKA. What of it? Dad will give cash!

PODKHALYUZIN. All right, if he will, ma'am! But what if he hasn't any to give? You don't know about your papa's affairs, but I know 'em mighty well; your papa's a bankrupt, ma'am.

LIPOCHKA. What do you mean, bankrupt? And the house and shops?

PODKHALYUZIN. The house and shops—are mine, ma'am!

LIPOCHKA. Yours! Get out! Are you trying to make a fool of me? Look for a bigger goose than I am.

PODKHALYUZIN. But I have here some legal documents. [He produces them.

LIPOCHKA. So you bought them of dad?

PODKHALYUZIN. I did, ma'am!

LIPOCHKA. Where'd you get the money?

PODKHALYUZIN. Money! Glory to God, I have more money than any nobleman.

LIPOCHKA. What in the world are they doing to me? They've been bringing me up all these years, and then go bankrupt! [Silence.

PODKHALYUZIN. Now suppose, Olimpiada Samsonovna, that you married a nobleman—what will that ever amount to, ma'am? Only the glory of being a lady, but not the least pleasure, ma'am. Please consider: ladies themselves often go to the market on foot, ma'am. And if they do drive out anywhere, then it's only the glory of having four horses; but the whole team ain't worth one merchant's horse. By heaven, it ain't, ma'am! And they don't dress so blamed superbly either, ma'am! But if, Olimpiada Samsonovna, you should marry me, ma'am—here's the first word: you'll wear silk gowns even at home, and visiting, and to the theatre, ma'am—and we shan't dress you in anything but velvets. In respect to hats and cloaks—we won't care what's in style with the nobility, but we'll furnish you the finest ever! We'll get horses from the Orlov stud. [Silence] If you have doubts on the question of my looks, then that's just as you like, ma'am; I'll put on a dress coat, and trim my beard or cut it off, according to the fashion, ma'am; that's all one to me, ma'am.

LIPOCHKA. You all talk that way before the wedding; but afterwards you cheat us.

PODKHALYUZIN. May I die on the spot, Olimpiada Samsonovna! Damnation blast me if I lie! Why should I, Olimpiada Samsonovna? D'you think we'll live in a house like this? We'll buy one in the Karetny, ma'am; and how we'll decorate it! We'll have birds of paradise on the ceilings, sirens, various Coopids[1]—people'll pay good money just to look at it.

[Footnote 1: These are not the only words that Podkhalyuzin mispronounces; Olimpiada is another.]

LIPOCHKA. They don't paint Coopids any more nowadays.

PODKHALYUZIN. Then we'll let 'em paint bokays. [Silence] If you'd only agree on your side, then I don't want anything more in life. [Silence] How unfortunate I am, anyhow, that I can't say nice compliments.

LIPOCHKA. Why don't you talk French, Lazar Elizarych?

PODKHALYUZIN. Because there was no reason why I should. [Silence] Make me happy, Olimpiada Samsonovna; grant me that blessing, ma'am. [Silence] Just tell me to kneel to you.

LIPOCHKA. Well, do it! [PODKHALYUZIN kneels] What a horrid waistcoat you have on!

PODKHALYUZIN. I'll give this one to Tishka, ma'am, and I'll get myself one on the Kuznetsky Bridge, only don't ruin me! [Silence] Well, Olimpiada Samsonovna, ma'am?

LIPOCHKA. Let me think.

PODKHALYUZIN. Think about what, ma'am?

LIPOCHKA. How can I help thinking?

PODKHALYUZIN. Why, you don't need to think!

LIPOCHKA. I'll tell you what, Lazar Elizarych!

PODKHALYUZIN. What're your orders, ma'am?

LIPOCHKA. Carry me off on the quiet.

PODKHALYUZIN. But why on the quiet, ma'am, when your papa and mamma are so willing?

LIPOCHKA. That's quite the thing to do. Well, if you don't want to carry me off, why, let it go as it is.

PODKHALYUZIN. Olimpiada Samsonovna, just let me kiss your little hand! [He kisses it; then he jumps up and runs to the door] Daddy, sir!

LIPOCHKA. Lazar Elizarych! Lazar Elizarych! Come here!

PODKHALYUZIN. What do you want, ma'am?

LIPOCHKA. Oh, if you knew, Lazar Elizarych, what my life here is like! Mamma says one thing one day, and another the next; papa, when he isn't drunk, has nothing to say; but when he's drunk he's apt to beat you at any moment. How's a cultivated young lady going to endure such a life? Now, if I could marry a nobleman, I'd go out of this house, and could forget about all that. But now everything will go on as before.

PODKHALYUZIN. No, ma'am, Olimpiada Samsonovna; it won't be that way! Olimpiada Samsonovna, as soon as we've celebrated the wedding, we'll move into our own house, ma'am. And then we won't let 'em boss us. No, here's an end to all that, ma'am! That'll do for them—they ran things in their day, now it's our turn.

LIPOCHKA. Just look here, Lazar Elizarych, we shall live by ourselves at our house, and they by themselves at their house. We'll do everything fashionably, and they, just as they please.

PODKHALYUZIN. That's the idea, ma'am.

LIPOCHKA. Well, call papa now.

[She rises and prinks before the mirror.

PODKHALYUZIN. Papa! Papa! Sir! Mamma!



SCENE VI

The same, BOLSHOV, and AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA

PODKHALYUZIN. [Goes to meet SAMSON SILYCH and throws his arms about him in an embrace] Olimpiada Samsonovna has agreed, sir!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. I'm coming, my dears, I'm coming!

BOLSHOV. Well, that's talking! Just the thing! I know what I'm doing; it's not for you to teach me.

PODKHALYUZIN. [To AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA] Mamma, ma'am! Let me kiss your hand!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Kiss away, my dear; they're both clean. Ah, you blessed child, has it been long since you decided? Ah? Good heavens! What's this? I absolutely didn't know how to decide this matter. Oh, my own little darling, you!

LIPOCHKA. Mamma, I positively didn't know that Lazar Elizarych was such a well-educated gentleman! But now I see at once that he's infinitely more respectful than the others.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Well, well, well, you little goose! As if your father would wish you any harm! Ah, mamma's little dove! What a little story, eh? Oh, my holy saints! What in the world is this? Fominishna! Fominishna!

FOMINISHNA. Coming, coming, my dear, coming! [She comes in.

BOLSHOV. Stop, you gabbler! Now you two just sit down side by side, and we'll have a look at you. Fominishna, bring up a little bottle of fizz.

PODKHALYUZIN and LIPOCHKA sit down.

FOMINISHNA. Right away, my dear, right away! [She goes out.]



SCENE VII

The same, USTINYA NAUMOVNA, and RISPOLOZHENSKY

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Congratulate the bride and groom to be, Ustinya Naumovna! God has brought us to a ripe old age; we have lived to see happiness!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. What have I got to congratulate you with, my jewels? My mouth's too dry to sing your praises.

BOLSHOV. Well, now, we'll wet your whistle.



SCENE VIII

The same, FOMINISHNA, and TISHKA, who is bringing wine on a tray.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Aha! here's a matter of a different sort. Well, God grant you live long, keep young, grow fat, and be rich! [She drinks] It's bitter, my jewels! [LIPOCHKA and LAZAR kiss] Ah! that sweetens it!

BOLSHOV. Just let me drink their health. [He takes the glass; LIPOCHKA and LAZAR stand up] Live as you think best—you're reasonable beings. But so that you won't find life a bore, the house and shops go to you, Lazar, in place of dowry, and I'll throw in some ready cash.

PODKHALYUZIN. Many thanks, daddy; I'm well satisfied with what you've done for me as it is.

BOLSHOV. Nothing to thank me for! They're my own goods—I made 'em myself. I give 'em to whomever I please. Pour me another! [TISHKA pours another glass] But what's the good of talking! Kindness is no crime! Take everything, only feed me and the old woman, and pay off the creditors at ten kopeks on the ruble.

PODKHALYUZIN. Why, daddy, that's not worth talking about, sir! Don't I know what feeling is? It's a family affair—we'll settle it ourselves.

BOLSHOV. I tell you, take it all, and there's an end to it! And nobody can boss me! Only pay my creditors. Will you pay 'em?

PODKHALYUZIN. If you please, dad, that's my first duty, sir.

BOLSHOV. Only you look out—don't give 'em much. As it is, I suppose you'll be fool enough to pay the whole debt.

PODKHALYUZIN. Oh, we'll settle it later, daddy, somehow. If you please, it's a family affair.

BOLSHOV. Come, all right! Don't you give 'em more than ten kopeks. That'll do for them. Well, kiss each other!

LIPOCHKA and LAZAR do so.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Ah, my little doves! How in the world did it happen! I declare I've quite lost my head.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA.

"Whoever heard or saw such things? The elephant's learning to fly with wings; The hen laid a door-knob instead of an egg; And piggy is dancing a jig on a keg!"

She pours out wine and goes up to RISPOLOZHENSKY; RISPOLOZHENSKY bows and declines the wine.

BOLSHOV. Drink to their happiness, Sysoy Psoich.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. I can't, Samson Silych—it turns my stomach!

BOLSHOV. Go along with you! Drink to their happiness.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. He's always showing off!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. It turns my stomach, Samson Silych! By heaven, it does! I'll just take a thimbleful of vodka. But my nature won't stand the other. I have such a weak constitution.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Bah! you long-necked goose! Nonsense—much your nature won't stand it! Give it here. I'll pour it down his collar if he won't drink it!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. No fair, Ustinya Naumovna! That ain't nice for a lady to do. Samson Silych, I can't, sir! Would I have refused it? He! he! he! What kind of a blockhead am I, that I should do anything so rude? I've seen high society, I know how to live. Now, I never refuse vodka; if you don't mind, I'll just take a thimbleful! But this I simply can't drink—it turns my stomach. Samson Silych, don't you allow all this disorderly conduct; it's easy to insult a man, but it ain't nice.

BOLSHOV. Give it to him hot and heavy, Ustinya Naumovna, hot and heavy!

RISPOLOZHENSKY runs away from her.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. [Placing the wine on the table] You shan't get away from me, you old son of a sea-cook! [She pushes him into a corner and seizes him by the collar.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Police!

All burst out laughing.



ACT IV

A richly furnished chamber in the house of PODKHALYUZIN



SCENE I

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA is sitting luxuriously near the window; she wears a silk waist, and a bonnet of the latest fashion. PODKHALYUZIN, in a stylish frock coat, stands before the mirror. Behind him TISHKA is adjusting his master's clothes, and adding the finishing touches.

TISHKA. There now, it fits you to a T!

PODKHALYUZIN. Well, Tishka, do I look like a Frenchman? Ah! Step away and look at me!

TISHKA. Like as two peas.

PODKHALYUZIN. Go along, you blockhead! Now you just look at me. [He walks about the room] There now, Olimpiada Samsonovna! And you wanted to marry an officer, ma'am! Ain't I a sport, though? I picked the smartest coat I could find and put it on.

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. But you don't know how to dance, Lazar Elizarych.

PODKHALYUZIN. What of it—won't I learn, though, and the raggiest ever! In the winter we're going to attend the Merchants' Assemblies. You just watch us, ma'am! I'm going to dance the polka.

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Now, Lazar Elizarych, you buy that carriage we saw at Arbatsky's.

PODKHALYUZIN. Of course, Olimpiada Samsonovna, ma'am! Of course, by all means!

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. They've brought me a new cloak; you and I ought to go Friday to Sokolniki.

PODKHALYUZIN. Of course, most certainly we'll go, ma'am; and we'll drive in the park on Sundays. You see our carriage is worth a thousand rubles, and the horses a thousand, and the harness mounted with silver—just let 'em look! Tishka! My pipe. [TISHKA goes out. PODKHALYUZIN sits down beside OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA] Just so, ma'am, Olimpiada Samsonovna; you just let 'em watch us.

[Silence.]

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Well, why don't you kiss me, Lazar Elizarych?

PODKHALYUZIN. Why, sure! Permit me, ma'am! With great pleasure! If you please, your little hand, ma'am! [He kisses it. Silence] Olimpiada Samsonovna, say something to me in the French dialect, ma'am!

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. What shall I say to you?

PODKHALYUZIN. Oh, say anything—any little thing, ma'am. It's all the same to me, ma'am!

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Kom voo zet zholi!

PODKHALYUZIN. What does that mean, ma'am?

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. How nice you are!

PODKHALYUZIN. [Jumping up from his chair] Aha! now here's a wife for you, ma'am! Hooray, Olimpiada Samsonovna! You've treated me fine! Your little hand, please!

Enter TISHKA with the pipe.

TISHKA. Ustinya Naumovna has come.

PODKHALYUZIN. What the devil is she here for!

TISHKA goes out.



SCENE II

The same and USTINYA NAUMOVNA

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. How are you managing to live, my jewels?

PODKHALYUZIN. Thanks to your prayers, Ustinya Naumovna, thanks to your prayers.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. [Kissing OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA] Why, I believe you've grown better looking, and have filled out a bit!

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Bah, what nonsense you're chattering, Ustinya Naumovna! Now, what struck you to come here?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. What nonsense, my jewel! Here's what's up. Whether you like it or not, you can't help it.—If you like to slide down-hill you've got to pull up your sled.—Now, why have you forgotten me completely, my jewels? Or haven't you had a chance yet to look about you? I suppose you're all the time billing and cooing.

PODKHALYUZIN. We have that failing, Ustinya Naumovna; we have it.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Come, come now: just see what a nice sweetheart I got for you.

PODKHALYUZIN. We're well satisfied, Ustinya Naumovna; we're well satisfied.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. How could you be dissatisfied, my ruby? What's the matter with you! I suppose you're all the time bustling around over new clothes, now. Have you laid in a stock of stylish things yet?

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Not much so far, and that mostly because the new stuffs have just come in.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Naturally, my pearl, you can't help it; let 'em be of poor goods, so long's they're blue! But what kind of dresses did you order most of, woollens or silks?

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. All sorts—both woollens and silks; not long ago I had a crape made with gold trimmings.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. How much have you, all-in-all, my jewel?

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Here, count: my wedding-dress of blond lace over a satin slip; and three velvets—that makes four; two gauze and a crape embroidered with gold—that's seven; three satin, and three grosgrain—that's thirteen; gros de Naples and gros d'Afrique, seven—that's twenty; three marceline, two mousseline de ligne, two Chine royale—how many's that?—three and four's seven, and twenty—twenty-seven; four crape Rachel—that's thirty-one. Then there are muslins, bouffe mousseline and calico, about twenty, and then waists and morning jackets—about nine or ten. And then I've just had one made of Persian stuff.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Lord help you, what heaps you've got! But you go and pick out for me the largest of the gros d'Afrique ones.

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. I won't give you a gros d'Afrique. I have only three myself; besides, it wouldn't suit your figure: now, if you want to, you can take a crape Rachel.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. What in time do I want with a tripe Rachel. Evidently there's nothing to be done with you; I'll be satisfied with a satin one, and let it go at that.

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Well, and the satin, too—it's not quite the thing, cut ballroom style, very low—you understand? But I'll look up a crape Rachel jacket; we'll let out the tucks, and it'll fit you like the paper on the wall.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Well, bring on your tripe Rachel! You win, my ruby; go open the clothes closet.

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Right away; wait just a minute.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. I'll wait, my jewel, I'll wait. Besides, I have to have a little talk with your husband. [OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA goes out] What's this, my jewel, have you entirely forgotten about your promise?

PODKHALYUZIN. How could I forget, ma'am? I remember. [He takes out his pocketbook and gives her a note.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Why, what's this, my diamond?

PODKHALYUZIN. One hundred rubles, ma'am!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Only one hundred? Why, you promised me fifteen hundred!

PODKHALYUZIN. Wha—at, ma'am?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. You promised me fifteen hundred!

PODKHALYUZIN. Ain't that a bit steep? Won't you be living too high?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. What's this, you barnyard cockerel; are you trying to joke with me, man? I'm a mighty cocky lady myself!

PODKHALYUZIN. But why should I give you money? I'd do it if there were any occasion for it.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Whether for something or for nothing, give it here—you promised it yourself!

PODKHALYUZIN. What if I did promise! I promised to jump from the Tower of Ivan the Great, provided I married Olimpiada Samsonovna; should I jump?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Do you think I won't have the law on you? Much I care that you're a merchant of the second guild; I'm in the fourteenth class myself, and even if that ain't much, I'm an official's wife all the same.

PODKHALYUZIN. You may be a general's wife—it's all the same to me; I won't have anything to do with you! And there's an end to it!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. You lie, it ain't! You promised me a sable cloak.

PODKHALYUZIN. What, ma'am?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. A sable cloak! Have you grown deaf, maybe?

PODKHALYUZIN. Sable, ma'am! He, he, he!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Yes, sable! What are you laughing and stretching your mouth at?

PODKHALYUZIN. You haven't gone out for a stroll with your mug in a sable cloak[1] yet, have you?

[Footnote 1: Russian fur cloaks, it may be useful to remember, have broad collars that can be turned up to protect the face.]

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA brings in a dress and hands it to USTINYA NAUMOVNA.



SCENE III

The same and OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. What in the world is the matter with you; do you want to rob me, maybe?

PODKHALYUZIN. Rob you, nothing! You just go to the devil, and be done with you!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Are you going to turn me out? And I, senseless idiot, agreed to work for you: I can see now your vulgar blood!

PODKHALYUZIN. What, ma'am! Speak, if you please!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. When it comes to that, I don't care to look at you! Not for any amount of money on earth will I agree to associate with you! I'll go twenty miles out of my way, but I won't go by you! I'll sooner shut my eyes and bump into a horse, than stand and look at your dirty den! Even if I want to spit, I'll never set foot in this street again! Break me in ten pieces if I lie! You can go to the infernal jim-jams if you ever see me here again!

PODKHALYUZIN. Easy now, aunty, easy!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. I'll show you up, my jewels: you'll find out! I'll give you such a rep in Moscow that you won't dare show your face in public!—Oh! I'm a fool, a fool to have anything to do with such a person! And I, a lady of rank and position!—Fah, fah, fall! [She goes out.

PODKHALYUZIN. Well, the blue-blooded lady flew off the handle! Oh, Lord, what an official she is! There's a proverb that says: "The thunderbolt strikes, not from the clouds, but from the dung-heap." Good Lord! Just look at her; what a lady!

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Bright idea of yours, Lazar Elizarych, ever to have anything to do with her!

PODKHALYUZIN. Really, a very absurd woman.

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. [Glancing out of the window] I believe they've let daddy out of the pen; go see, Lazar Elizarych.

PODKHALYUZIN. Well, no, ma'am; they won't let daddy out of the pen soon, either; most likely they ordered him to the meeting of the creditors, and then he got leave to come home. Mamma, ma'am! Agrafena Kondratyevna! Daddy's coming, ma'am!



SCENE IV

The same, BOLSHOV, and AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Where is he? Where is he? My own children, my little doves! [Kisses are exchanged.

PODKHALYUZIN. Daddy, how do you do, our respects!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. My little dove, Samson Silych, my treasure! You've left me an orphan in my old age!

BOLSHOV. That'll do, wife; stop!

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. What's the matter with you, ma? you're crying over him as if he were dead! God only knows what's happened.

BOLSHOV. That's just it, daughter; God only knows; but all the same your father's in jail.

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Why, daddy, there are better people than you and me there, too.

BOLSHOV. There are, that's so! But how does it feel to be there? How'd you like to go through the street with a soldier? Oh, daughter! You see they've known me here in this city for forty years; for forty years they've all bowed to me down to their belts, but now the street brats point their fingers at me.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. You haven't any color at all, my darling! You look like a ghost.

PODKHALYUZIN. Ah, daddy, God is merciful! When the rough places are smoothed over it'll all be pleasant again. Well, daddy, what do the creditors say?

BOLSHOV. Here's what: they've agreed on the terms. "What's the use," they say, "of dragging it out? Maybe it'll do good, maybe it won't; but just give something in cash, and deuce take you!"

PODKHALYUZIN. Why not give 'em something, sir! By all means do, sir! But do they ask much, daddy?

BOLSHOV. They ask twenty-five kopeks.

PODKHALYUZIN. That's a good deal, daddy!

BOLSHOV. Well, man, I know myself that it's a good deal; but what's to be done? They won't take less.

PODKHALYUZIN. If they'd take ten kopeks, then it'd be all right sir. Seven and a half for satisfaction, and two and a half for the expenses of the meeting.

BOLSHOV. That's the way I talked; but they won't listen to it.

PODKHALYUZIN. They carry it blamed high! But won't they take eight kopeks in five years?

BOLSHOV. What's the use, Lazar, we'll have to give twenty-five; that's what we proposed at first.

PODKHALYUZIN. But how, daddy! You yourself used to say not to give more than ten kopeks, sir. Just consider yourself: at the rate of twenty-five kopeks, that's a lot of money. Daddy, wouldn't you like to take a snack of something, sir? Mamma! order them to bring some vodka, and have them start the samovar; and we, for company's sake, 'll just take a thimbleful, sir.—But twenty-five kopeks's a lot, sir!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Right away, my dear, right away! [She goes out.

BOLSHOV. But what are you talking to me for: of course, I know it's a good deal, but how can I help it? They'll put you in the pen for a year and a half; they'll have a soldier lead you through the streets every week, and if you don't watch out, they'll even transfer you to prison: so you'd be glad to give even half a ruble. You don't know where to hide yourself from mere shame.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA enters with vodka; TISHKA brings in relishes, and goes out.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. My own little dove! Eat, my dear, eat! I suppose they half starve you there!

PODKHALYUZIN. Eat, daddy! Don't be particular; we're offering you such as we have.

BOLSHOV. Thanks, Lazar, thanks! [He drinks] Take a drink yourself.

PODKHALYUZIN. Your health! [He drinks] Mamma, won't you have some, ma'am? Please do!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Holy saints, what am I to do now? Such is the will of God! O Lord, my God! Ah, my own little dove, you!

PODKHALYUZIN. Ah, mamma, God is merciful; we'll get out of it somehow. Not all at once, ma'am!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Lord grant we may! As it is, it makes me pine away simply looking at him.

BOLSHOV. Well, what about it, Lazar?

PODKHALYUZIN. Ten kopeks, if you please, I'll give, sir, as we said.

BOLSHOV. But where am I going to get fifteen more? I can't make 'em out of door-mats.

PODKHALYUZIN. Daddy, I can't raise 'em, sir! God sees that I can't, sir!

BOLSHOV. What's the matter, Lazar? What's the matter? What have you done with the money?

PODKHALYUZIN. Now you just consider: here I'm setting up in business—have fixed up a house. But do have something to eat, daddy! You can have some Madeira if you want it, sir! Mamma, pass daddy something.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Eat, Samson Silych, dear! Eat! I'll pour out a little punch for you, dear!

BOLSHOV. [Drinks] Rescue me, my children, rescue me!

PODKHALYUZIN. Here, daddy, you were pleased to ask what I had done with the money?—How can you ask, sir? Just consider yourself: I'm beginning to do business; of course, without capital it's impossible, sir; there's nothing to begin on. Here, I've bought a house; we've ordered everything that a good house ought to have, horses, and one thing and another. Just consider yourself! One has to think about the children.

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Why, daddy, we can't strip ourselves bare! We're none of your common townspeople.

PODKHALYUZIN. Daddy, please consider: to-day, without capital, sir, without capital you can't do much business.

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. I lived with you until I was twenty years old, daddy, and was a regular stay-at-home. What, would you have me give back the money to you, and go about again in calico-print clothes?

BOLSHOV. What are you saying? What are you saying? Recollect! You see I'm not asking any kindness of you, but my rights. Are you human beings?

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Why, of course, daddy, we're human beings; we're not animals.

BOLSHOV. Lazar, you just recollect; you see, I've given away everything to you, fairly wiped my slate clean; here's what I've got left, you see! You see, I took you into my house when you were a little rascal, you heartless scoundrel! I gave you food and drink as if I were your own father, and set you up in the world. But did I ever see any sort of gratitude in you? Did I? Recollect, Lazar, how many times have I noticed that you were light-fingered! What of it? I didn't drive you away as if you were a beast, I didn't tell on you all over town. I made you my head clerk; I gave all my property away to you; and to you, Lazar, I gave even my daughter, with my own hand. If you hadn't received permission from me, you'd never have dared look at her.

PODKHALYUZIN. If you please, daddy, I feel all that very keenly, sir.

BOLSHOV. Yes, you do! You ought to give everything away as I did, and leave yourself nothing but your shirt, just to rescue your benefactor. But I don't ask that, I don't need to; you simply pay out for me what's expected now.

PODKHALYUZIN. And why shouldn't I pay, sir? Only they ask a price that's wholly unreasonable.

BOLSHOV. But am I asking it? I begged out of every one of your kopeks I could; I begged, and bowed down to their feet; but what can I do, when they won't come down one little bit?

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. We have told you, daddy, that we can't pay more than ten kopeks—and there's no use saying any more about it.

BOLSHOV. And so, daughter, you say: "Go along now, you old devil, you, into the pen! Yes, into the pen! Off to prison with him, the old blockhead! And it serves him right!"—Don't chase after great wealth, be contented with what you have. But if you do chase after wealth, they'll take away the last you have, and strip you clean. And it'll come about that you'll run out onto the Stone Bridge, and throw yourself into the river Moscow. And they'll haul you out by your tongue, and put you in prison. [All are silent; BOLSHOV drinks] But you just think a bit: what kind of a walk am I going to have to the pen now? How am I going to shut my eyes? Now the Ilyinka will seem to me a hundred miles long. Just think, how it will seem to walk along the Ilyinka! It's just as if the devils were dragging my sinful soul through torment; Lord, forgive me for saying so! And then past the Iver Chapel[1]: how am I going to look upon her, the Holy Mother?—You know, Lazar; Judas, you see, sold even Christ for money, just as we sell our conscience for money. And what happened to him because of it?—And then there are the government offices, the criminal tribunal!—You see, I did it with set purpose, with malice aforethought.—You see, they'll exile me to Siberia. O Lord!—If you won't give me the money for any other reason, give it as charity, for Christ's sake. [He weeps.

[Footnote 1: In which there is a miracle-working image of the Virgin.]

PODKHALYUZIN. What's the matter, what's the matter, daddy? There, there, now! God is merciful! What's the matter with you? We'll fix it up somehow. It's all in our hands.

BOLSHOV. I need money, Lazar, money. There's nothing else to fix it with. Either money or Siberia.

PODKHALYUZIN. And I'll give you money, sir, if you'll only let up. As it is, I'll add five kopeks more.

BOLSHOV. What have we come to! Have you any Christian feeling in you? I need twenty-five kopeks, Lazar!

PODKHALYUZIN. No, daddy, that's a good deal, sir; by heaven, that's a good deal!

BOLSHOV. You nest of snakes!

[He falls with his head upon the table.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Barbarian, you barbarian! Robber that you are! You shan't have my blessing! You'll dry up, money and all; you'll dry up, dying before your time! You robber! Robber that you are!

PODKHALYUZIN. That'll do, mamma; you're angering God. Why are you cursing me when you haven't looked into the business? You can see that daddy has got a bit tipsy, and you start to make a row.

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. It would be better for you, ma, to keep still! You seem to enjoy sending people to the third hell. I know: you'll catch it for this. It must be for that reason God didn't give you any more children.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Keep still yourself, shameless creature! You were enough of a punishment for God to send me!

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. You think everybody's shameless and that you're the only good person. But you ought to take a good look at yourself: all you can do is fast one day extra every week, and not a day goes by that you don't bark at somebody.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Shame on you! Shame on you! Oh! Oh! Oh!—I'll curse you in all the churches!

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Curse away if you want to!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Yes, that's it! You'll die, and not rot! Yes!

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Much I shall!

BOLSHOV. [Rising] Well, good-by, children!

PODKHALYUZIN. Why, daddy, sit still! We've got to settle this business somehow or other.

BOLSHOV. Settle what? I see plainly enough that the jig is up. You'll make a mistake if you don't do me up brown! Don't you pay anything for me; let 'em do what they please. Good-by, it's time I was going.

PODKHALYUZIN. Good-by, daddy! God is merciful—-you'll get out of this somehow.

BOLSHOV. Good-by, wife.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Good-by, Samson Silych, dear! When'll they let us come to see you in jail?

BOLSHOV. Don't know.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Then I'll inquire, otherwise you'll die there without our seeing you.

BOLSHOV. Good-by, daughter! Good-by, Olimpiada Samsonovna! Well, now you're going to be rich, and live like a princess. That means assemblies and balls—devil's own amusements! But don't you forget, Olimpiada Samsonovna, that there are cells with iron bars, and poor prisoners are sitting in them. Don't forget us poor prisoners.

[He goes out with AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA.

PODKHALYUZIN. Ah! Olimpiada Samsonovna, ma'am! How awkward, ma'am! I pity your father, by heaven I pity him, ma'am! Hadn't I better go myself and compound with his creditors? Don't you think I'd better, ma'am? Yet he himself will soften them better. Ah! Or shall I go? I'll go, ma'am! Tishka!

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA. Do just as you please—it's your business.

PODKHALYUZIN. Tishka! [TISHKA enters] Give me my old coat, the worst one there is. [TISHKA goes out] As I am, they'd think I must be rich; and in that case, there'd be no coming to terms.



SCENE V

The same, RISPOLOZHENSKY and AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA

RISPOLOZHENSKY. My dear Agrafena Kondratyevna, haven't you pickled your cucumbers yet?

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. No, my dear. Cucumbers now, indeed! What do I care about them! But have you pickled yours?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Certainly we have, my dear lady. Nowadays they're very dear; they say the frost got them. My dear Lazar Elizarych, how do you do? Is that vodka? I'll just take a thimbleful, Lazar Elizarych.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA goes out with OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA.

PODKHALYUZIN. Why is it you've favored us with a visit, may I inquire?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. He, he, he!—What a joker you are, Lazar Elizarych! Of course you know why.

PODKHALYUZIN. And what may that be, I should like to know, sir?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. For money, Lazar Elizarych, for money! Anybody else might come for something different, but I always come for money!

PODKHALYUZIN. You come mighty blamed often for money.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. How can I help it, Lazar Elizarych, when you give me only five rubles at a time? You see I have a family.

PODKHALYUZIN. You couldn't expect me to give you a hundred at a time!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. If you'd give it to me all at once, I shouldn't keep coming to you.

PODKHALYUZIN. You know about as much about business as a pig does about pineapples; and what's more, you take bribes. Why should I give you anything?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Why, indeed!—You yourself promised to!

PODKHALYUZIN. I myself promised! Well, I've given you money—you've made your profit, and that'll do; it's time to turn over a new leaf.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. What do you mean by "time to turn over a new leaf"? You still owe me fifteen hundred rubles.

PODKHALYUZIN. Owe you! Owe you! As if you had some document! And what for? For your rascality!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. What do you mean by "rascality"? For my toil, not for my rascality!

PODKHALYUZIN. Your toil!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Well, whatever it may be for, just give me the money, or a note for it.

PODKHALYUZIN. What, sir! A note! Not much, you come again when you're a little older.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Do you want to swindle me with my little children?

PODKHALYUZIN. Swindle, indeed! Here, take five rubles more, and go to the devil.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. No, wait! You'll not get rid of me with that.

TISHKA enters.

PODKHALYUZIN. What are you going to do to me?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. My tongue isn't bought up yet.

PODKHALYUZIN. Oh, perhaps you want to lick me, do you?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. No, not lick you, but to tell the whole thing to all respectable people.

PODKHALYUZIN. What are you going to talk about, you son of a sea-cook! And who's going to believe you?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Who's going to believe me?

PODKHALYUZIN. Yes! Who's going to believe you? Just take a look at yourself!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Who's going to believe me? Who's going to believe me? You'll see! Yes, you'll see! Holy saints, but what can I do? It's my death! He's swindling me, the robber, swindling me! No, you wait! You'll see! It's against the law to swindle!

PODKHALYUZIN. But what'll I see?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Here's what you'll see! You just wait, just wait, just wait! You think I won't have the law on you? You wait!

PODKHALYUZIN. Wait; yes, wait!—As it is, I've waited long enough. Quit your bluffing, you don't scare me.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. You think no one will believe me? Won't believe me? Well, let 'em insult me! I—here's what I'll do: Most honorable public!

PODKHALYUZIN. What're you doing? What're you doing? Wake up!

TISHKA. Shame on you; you're just running around drunk!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Wait, wait!—Most honorable public! I have a wife, four children—look at these miserable boots!—

PODKHALYUZIN. All lies, gentlemen! A most dishonorable man, gentlemen! That'll do for you, that'll do!—You'd better look out for yourself first, and see what you're up to!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Lemme go! He plundered his father-in-law! And he's swindling me.—A wife, four children, worn-out boots!

TISHKA. You can have 'em half-soled.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. What're you talking about? You're a swindler, too!

TISHKA. Not at all, sir; never mind.

PODKHALYUZIN. Oh! But what are you moralizing about?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. No, you wait! I'll remember you! I'll send you to Siberia!

PODKHALYUZIN. Don't believe him, it's all lies, gentlemen! There, gentlemen, he's a most dishonorable man himself, gentlemen; he isn't worth your notice! Bah, my boy, what a lout you are! Well, I never knew you—and not for any blessings on earth would I have anything to do with you.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Hold on there, hold on! Take that, you dog! Well, may you be strangled with my money, and go to the devil! [He goes out.

PODKHALYUZIN. How mad he got! [To the public] Don't you believe him, I mean him who was talking, gentlemen—that's all lies. None of that ever happened. He must have seen all that in a dream. But now we're just opening a little shop: favor us with your patronage. Send the baby to us, and we won't sell him a wormy apple!

THE END