OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA (LIPOCHKA), their daughter

LAZAR ELIZARYCH PODKHALYUZIN[2], a clerk

[Footnote 2: Sneaky.]

USTINYA NAUMOVNA, a professional match-maker

SYSOY PSOICH RISPOLOZHENSKY[3], a lawyer

[Footnote 3: Unfrocked.]

FOMINISHNA, housekeeper } } in BOLSHOV'S house TISKA[4], boy }

[Footnote 4: A nickname for Tikhon.]



ACT I

Drawing-room in BOLSHOV'S house



SCENE I

LIPOCHKA is sitting near the window with a book

LIPOCHKA. What a pleasant occupation these dances are! Very good indeed! What could be more delightful? You go to the assembly, or to somebody's wedding, you sit down, naturally, all beflowered like a doll or a magazine picture. Suddenly up runs a gentleman: "May I have the happiness, miss?" Well, you see, if he's a man of wit, or a military individual, you accept, drop your eyes a little, and answer: "If you please, with pleasure!" Ah! [Warmly] Most fas-ci-nat-ing! Simply beyond understanding! [Sighs] I dislike most of all dancing with students and government office clerks. But it's the real thing to dance with army men! Ah, charming! ravishing! Their mustaches, and epaulets, and uniforms, and on some of them even spurs with little bits of bells. Only it's killingly tiresome that they don't wear a sabre. Why do they take it off? It's strange, plague take it! The soldiers themselves don't understand how much more fascinatingly they'd shine! If they were to take a look at the spurs, the way they tinkle, especially if a uhlan or some colonel or other is showing off—wonderful! It's just splendid to look at them—lovely! And if he'd just fasten on a sabre, you'd simply never see anything more delightful, you'd just hear rolling thunder instead of the music. Now, what comparison can there be between a soldier and a civilian? A soldier! Why, you can see right off his cleverness and everything. But what does a civilian amount to? Just a dummy. [Silence] I wonder why it is that so many ladies sit down with their feet under their chairs. There's positively no difficulty in learning how! Although I was a little bashful before the teacher, I learned how to do it perfectly in twenty lessons. Why not learn how to dance? It's only a superstition not to. Here mamma sometimes gets angry because the teacher is always grabbing at my knees. All that comes from lack of education. What of it? He's a dancing-master and not somebody else. [Reflecting] I picture to myself: suddenly a soldier makes advances to me, suddenly a solemn betrothal, candles burn everywhere, the butlers enter, wearing white gloves; I, naturally, in a tulle or perhaps in a gauze gown; then suddenly they begin to play a waltz—but how confused I shall be before him! Ah, what a shame! Then where in the world shall I hide? What will he think? "Here," he'll say, "an uneducated little fool!" But, no, how can that be! Only, you see I haven't danced for a year and a half! I'll try it now at leisure. [Waltzing badly] One—two—three; one—two—three—



SCENE II

LIPOCHKA and AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. [Entering] Ah, ha, shameless creature! My heart told me so; before it's fairly daylight, before you've eaten God's bread, you start off dancing right away!

LIPOCHKA. Now, mamma, I've drunk my tea and eaten some curd-cakes. Look here, is this all right? One, two, three; one—two—

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. [Following her] What difference does it make if you have had something to eat? I suppose I'll have to keep watching what sinful pranks you're up to! I tell you, don't whirl around!

LIPOCHKA. Pooh! where's the sin in that! Everybody's doing it nowadays. One, two—

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Better knock your forehead against the table, but don't fiddle around with your feet. [She runs after her] What's the matter with you? Where did you get the idea of not obeying?

LIPOCHKA. Who told you I didn't obey? Don't meddle; let me finish the way I want to! One, two, three—

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Shall I have to run after you long, old woman as I am? Ouf! You've worn me out, you barbarian! Do you hear? Stop! I'll complain to your father!

LIPOCHKA. Right away, right away, mamma! This is the last time around! God created you expressly for complaining. Much I care for you! One—two—

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. What! you keep on dancing, and talk impudently into the bargain! Stop it this minute! It'll be so much the worse for you; I'll grab you by the skirt, and tear off the whole train.

LIPOCHKA. Well, tear it, and much good may it do you! You'll simply have to sew it up again, and that's all there is to it! [She sits down] Phew! phew! my, I'm soaked through! as if I'd been pulling a van! Ouf! Mamma, give me a handkerchief to wipe off the perspiration.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Wait, I'll wipe it off myself. You've half killed yourself! And it's just as if somebody were making you do it. Since you don't respect your mother, you might at least respect these walls. Your father, my dear, has to make a great effort even to move his legs; but you skip about here like a jumping-jack!

LIPOCHKA. Go away with your advice! How can I act according to your notions? Do you want me to get sick? That would be all right if I were a doctor's wife. Ouf! What disgusting ideas you have! Bah! What a woman you are, mamma, drat it! Honestly, I sometimes blush for your stupidity!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. What a darling child you are! Just consider how you're insulting your mother! Ah, you stupid chatterbox! Is it right to dishonor your parents with such words? Was it for this I brought you into the world, taught you, and guarded you as carefully as if you were a butterfly?

LIPOCHKA. You didn't teach me—strangers did; that'll do, if you please. You yourself, to tell the truth, had no bringing up. What of it? You bore a child—what was I then?—a child without understanding, I didn't understand the ways of society. But I grew up, I looked upon society manners, and I saw that I was far more educated than others. Why should I show too much indulgence for your foolishness? Why, indeed! Much reason for it, I must say!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Let up, let up, you shameless girl! You'll drive me out of patience; I'll go straight to your father, throw myself at his feet, and say: "Samson, dear, there's no living because of our daughter!"

LIPOCHKA. Yes, there's no living for you! I imagine so. But do you give me any chance to live? Why did you send away my suitor? Could there have been a better match? Wasn't he a Coopid[1]? What did you find in him that was soft?

[Footnote 1: An attempt to reproduce Lipochka's illiterate pronunciation of the Russian word.]

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. He was soft enough; just a grinning booby. He came swaggering around, swaggered, strutted, strutted. What a rare bird!

LIPOCHKA. Yes, much you know! Of course he's a born gentleman; he behaves in a delicate way. They always do like that in his circle—But how do you dare to censure such people, of whom you haven't any idea? He, I tell you, is no cheap merchant. [She whispers aside] My darling, my beauty!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Yes, a good darling! Do tell! Pity we didn't marry you to some circus clown. Shame on you; there's some kind of folly in you; you whisper right under your mother's nose, just to spite her.

LIPOCHKA. I've reason enough, because you don't desire my happiness. You and pa are only good for picking quarrels and tyrannizing!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. You can think what you please. The Lord is your judge! But nobody feels the anxiety for her child that the mother who bore her does! Here you're always posing and kicking up all kinds of nonsense, while your father and I worry day and night about how to find you a good man, and establish you quickly.

LIPOCHKA. Yes, easy for you to talk; but just let me ask, what good does that do me, if you please?

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. As if you thought I wasn't sorry for you! But what can I do? Have a mite of patience, even if you have been waiting a few years. It's impossible to find a husband for you in a second; it's only cats that catch mice in a jiffy.

LIPOCHKA. What have I got to do with your cats! It's a husband I want. What's the use! I'm ashamed to meet my acquaintances; in all Moscow we weren't able to choose a husband; other girls kept having all the luck. Wouldn't it make anybody sick? All my friends were married long ago, and here I am like a kind of orphan! We found one man, and turned him down. Now, look here: find me a husband, and find him quick!... I tell you in advance, look me up a husband right off, or it'll be so much the worse for you: purposely, just to spite you, I'll secretly scare up an adorer; I'll run away with a hussar, and we'll get married on the quiet.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. What! What! You lewd creature! Who drummed such nastiness into your head? Merciful Lord, I can't get my breath! Ah, you dirty hussy! Well, there's nothing to be done. It's evident. I'll have to call your father.

LIPOCHKA. All you ever say is "father, father!" You have a lot to say when he's around, but just try it when you're by yourself!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. So you think I'm a fool, do you? What kind of hussars do you know, you brazen-faced creature? Phoo! Diabolical idea! Perhaps you think I'm not able to make you mind? Tell me, you shameless-eyed girl, where did you get that spiteful look? What, you want to be sharper than your mother! It won't take me long, I tell you, to send you into the kitchen to boil the kettles. Shame, shame on you! Ah! Ah! My holy saints! I'll make you a hempen wedding-dress, and pull it on over your head directly. I'll make you live with the pigs, instead of your parents!

LIPOCHKA. How's that? Will I allow anybody to boss me about? The idea!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Shut up, shut up, you babbling Bessie! Give in to your mother! What obstinate daring! Just peep another word and I'll stop your mouth with a potato. A beautiful consolation the Lord has sent me in you! Impudent slut! You're a miserable tomboy and you haven't a womanly thought in your head! You're ready, I suppose, to jump on horseback and go off like a soldier!

LIPOCHKA. I suppose you'll ring in the police, presently! You'd do better to keep still, since you weren't properly brought up. I'm absolutely vile; but what are you, after all? Do you want to send me to the other world before my time? Do you want to kill me with your caprices? [She weeps] Already I'm about coughing my lungs out! [Weeps.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. [Stands and looks at her] Well, stop, stop!

LIPOCHKA weeps louder and then sobs.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. I tell you, that'll do! I'm talking to you; stop it! Well, it's my fault; only do stop—it's my fault!

LIPOCHKA weeps.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Lipochka! Lipa! Come, come, do stop! [Tearfully] Now, don't get angry at me—[She weeps] A silly old woman—ignorant—[They weep together] Please forgive me—I'll buy you some earrings.

LIPOCHKA. [Weeping] I don't want your old earrings; I have a drawer full already. You buy me some bracelets with emeralds.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. I will, I will, only please stop crying!

LIPOCHKA. [Through her tears] I won't stop crying till I get married. [She weeps.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. You'll get married, my darling; you will! Now, give me a kiss! [They kiss] There, Christ be with you! Now let me wipe away the tears for you. [She wipes the tears] Ustinya Naumovna wanted to come to-day; we're going to talk a bit.

LIPOCHKA. [In a voice still rather trembly] Oh, dear, I wish she'd hurry up!



SCENE III

The same and FOMINISHNA

FOMINISHNA. Just guess, my dear Agrafena Kondratyevna, who's come to call on us!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. I can't say. Do you think I'm a witch at guessing, Fominishna?

LIPOCHKA. Why don't you ask me? Am I stupider than you or mamma?

FOMINISHNA. The fact is, I don't know how to tell you. You're pretty strong on talk; but when it comes to action you aren't there! I asked you, and asked you, to give me just a handkerchief—nothing expensive: two heaps of stuff are lying around on your closet floor now without any care; but it didn't do any good; it's always give it to strangers, give it to strangers!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. There, now, Fominishna, I'll never make this out till doomsday.

LIPOCHKA. Let her go; she had a drink of beer after breakfast, and so she's getting fuzzy in her head.

FOMINISHNA. That's all right; what are you laughing at? How's it coming out, Agrafena Kondratyevna? Sometimes the beginning is worse than the end.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. One can never find out anything from you! As soon as you begin to talk, we have to stop up our ears! Now, who was it who came here?

LIPOCHKA. A man or a woman?

FOMINISHNA. You can never see anything but men! Where in the world did one ever see a man wearing a widow's bonnet? This is a widow's affair—so what should her name be?

LIPOCHKA. Naturally, a woman without a husband, a widow.

FOMINISHNA. So I was right? And it comes out that it is a woman!

LIPOCHKA. What a senseless creature! Well, who is the woman?

FOMINISHNA. There, there now, you're clever, but no guesser; it couldn't be anybody else but Ustinya Naumovna.

LIPOCHKA. Ah, mamma, how lucky!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Where has she been all this time? Bring her in quickly, Fominishna.

FOMINISHNA. She'll appear herself in a second. She stopped in the yard, quarrelling with the porter; he didn't open the door quickly enough.



SCENE IV

The same and USTINYA NAUMOVNA

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. [Entering] Ouf, fa, fa! Why do you have such a steep staircase, my jewels? You climb, and climb, and much as ever you get there!

LIPOCHKA. Oh, here she is! How are you, Ustinya Naumovna?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Don't get in a hurry! There's people older than you. I want to chatter with your mamma a bit first. [Exchanges kisses with AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA] How are you, Agrafena Kondratyevna? How did you feel when you got up? How did you pass the night? All alive, my precious?

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Thank the Lord! I'm alive, able to chew; I've been joking with my daughter all the morning.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. All about dresses, I suppose. [Exchanging kisses with LIPOCHKA] Well, your turn has come. What's this! It seems as if you had grown stouter, my jewel! Lord bless you! What could be better than to blossom out in beauty!

FOMINISHNA. Shame on you, temptress! You'll give us bad luck yet!

LIPOCHKA. Oh, what nonsense! It just looks that way to you, Ustinya Naumovna. I keep getting punier; first it's stomachache, then palpitation of the heart—just like the beating of a pendulum. Now I have a sinking feeling, or feel kind of seasick, and things swim before my eyes.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. [To FOMINISHNA] Come on, you dear soul, let's have a kiss now. To be sure, we've already exchanged greetings in the yard, my jewel, so we don't need to rub lips again.

FOMINISHNA. Just as you wish. Of course I'm no lady of a household. I don't amount to much; all the same I have a soul in me, and not just vapor!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. [Sitting down] Sit down, sit down, Ustinya Naumovna! Why do you stand up as stiff as a bean-pole? Fominishna, go tell them to heat up the samovar.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. I've had my tea, I've had it, my jewel; may I perish on the spot if I haven't; and I've just dropped in for a moment.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. What are you loafing about for, Fominishna? Run off a little more nimbly, granny.

LIPOCHKA. Let me, mamma, I'll go quicker; look how clumsy she is!

FOMINISHNA. Don't you meddle where you aren't asked! For my part, my dear Agrafena Kondratyevna, this is what I think: wouldn't it be nicer to serve cordial and some herring?

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Cordial's all right, and the samovar's all right. Or are you stingy with other people's stuff? Well, when it's ready, have it brought here.

FOMINISHNA. Certainly! All right! [She goes out.



SCENE V

The same, without FOMINISHNA

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Well, haven't you any news, Ustinya Naumovna? This girl of mine is simply grieved to death.

LIPOCHKA. And really, Ustinya Naumovna, you keep coming, and coming, and no good comes of it.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. But one can't fix things up quickly with you, my jewels. Your daddy has his eye peeled for a rich fellow; he tells me he'll be satisfied with any bell-boy provided he has money and asks a small enough settlement. And your mamma also, Agrafena Kondratyevna, is always wanting her own taste suited; you must be sure to give her a merchant, with a decoration, who keeps horses, and who crosses himself in the old way[1]. You also have your own notions. How's a person going to please you all?



SCENE VI

The same and FOMINISHNA, who enters and places vodka and relishes on the table.

LIPOCHKA. I won't marry a merchant, not for anything. I won't! As if I was brought up for that, and learned French[1], and to play the piano, and to dance! No, no; get him wherever you want to, but get me an aristocrat.

[Footnote 1: Evidently, Bolshov and his family, like many other wealthy Moscow merchants, belonged to the sect of the Old Believers, one of whose dearest tenets is that the sign of the cross should be made with two fingers instead of with three.]

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Here, you talk with her.

FOMINISHNA. What put aristocrats into your head? What's the special relish in them? They don't even grow beards like Christians; they don't go to the public baths, and don't make pasties on holidays. But, you see, even if you're married, you'll get sick of nothing but sauce and gravy.

LIPOCHKA. Fominishna, you were born a peasant, and you'll turn up your toes a peasant. What's your merchant to me? What use would he be? Has he any ambition to rise in the world? What do I want of his mop?

FOMINISHNA. Not a mop, but the hair that God gave him, miss, that's it.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. See what a rough old codger your dad is; he doesn't trim his beard; yet, somehow, you manage to kiss him.

LIPOCHKA. Dad is one thing, but my husband is another. But why do you insist, mamma? I have already said that I won't marry a merchant, and I won't! I'd rather die first; I'll cry to the end of my life; if tears give out, I'll swallow pepper.

FOMINISHNA. Are you getting ready to bawl? Don't you think of it!—What fun do you get out of teasing her, Agrafena Kondratyevna?

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Who's teasing her? She's mighty touchy.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Well, well, if you've got your mind set on a nobleman, we'll find you one. What sort do you want; rather stout, or rather lean?

LIPOCHKA. Doesn't matter, it's all right if he's rather stout, so long as he's no shorty. Of course he'd better be tall than an insignificant little runt! And most of all, Ustinya Naumovna, he mustn't be snub-nosed, and he absolutely must be dark-complexioned. It's understood, of course, that he must be dressed like the men in the magazines. [She glances at the mirror] Oh, Lord, my hair looks like a feather-duster to-day!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Now, my jewel, I have a husband for you of the very sort you describe: aristocratic, tall, and brown-complected.

LIPOCHKA. Oh, Ustinya Naumovna! Not brown-complected, but dark-complexioned!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Yes, much I need, in my old age, to split my tongue talking your lingo. What I said, goes. He has peasants, and wears a norder about his neck. Now you go get dressed, and your mamma and I will talk this thing over.

LIPOCHKA. Oh, my dear, sweet Ustinya Naumovna, come up to my room a bit later; I must talk with you. Let's go, Fominishna.

FOMINISHNA. Ha, what a fidgety child you are!

[They go out.



SCENE VII

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA and USTINYA NAUMOVNA

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Won't you have a sip of cordial before your tea, Ustinya Naumovna?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Don't care if I do, my jewel.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. [Pouring] With my compliments.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. You ought to drink first, my pearl.

[Drinks.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. I'll look out for myself!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Ya! Phoo! Where d'you get this decoction?

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. At the wine-shop. [Drinks.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Buy it in bulk, I suppose?

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. By the gallon. What should you want to buy in small quantities for? Our expenses, you see, are heavy.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. What's the use of talking, my dear, what's the use! Now, I've been bustling about, bustling about for you, Agrafena Kondratyevna; trudging, trudging over the pavement, and at last I've grubbed up a suitable man: you'll gasp for joy, my jewels, for a fact.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. At last you're talking sense!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. A man of birth and of standing; such a grandee as you never even dreamed of.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. I see I'll have to ask Samson Silych for a couple of fivers for you.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. That's all right, my jewel, I don't mind! And he has peasants, wears a norder on his neck; and as for intellect, why, he's simply a bonanza.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Then, Ustinya Naumovna, you ought to have informed him that our daughter hasn't got piles of money.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. But he doesn't know where to put his own.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. That would be good, and jolly good; only, look here, Ustinya Naumovna, and just consider it yourself, my friend: what am I going to do with a nobleman for a son-in-law? I shan't dare say a word to him; I'll be all at sea.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. It's a little scary at first, my jewel, but afterwards you'll get used to things, you'll manage somehow or other. But, here, we must talk a bit with Samson Silych; he may even know him, this man of ours.



SCENE VIII

The same and RISPOLOZHENSKY

RISPOLOZHENSKY. [Entering] I've come to you, my dear Agrafena Kondratyevna. I was going to have a talk with Samson Silych, but he was busy, I saw, so I thought: now, I'll go to Agrafena Kondratyevna. By the way, is that vodka, near you? I'll just take a thimbleful, Agrafena Kondratyevna. [Drinks.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. With my compliments, my dear sir. Please sit down, won't you? How are you getting along?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. What a life I live! Well, I'm just loafing, Agrafena Kondratyevna; you know yourself, my family's large, business is dull. But I don't grumble; it's a sin to grumble, Agrafena Kondratyevna.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. That's the last thing in the world to do, my dear sir.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Whoever grumbles, I think, offends against God, Agrafena Kondratyevna. This is the way it happened—

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. What are your front names, my dear sir? I keep forgetting.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Sysoy Psoich, my dear Agrafena Kondratyevna.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. What does Psoich mean, my jewel? What lingo is that[1]?

[Footnote 1: The name lends itself to the interpretation, "son of a dog (pes)."]

RISPOLOZHENSKY. I can't tell you positively: they called my father Psoy—well, naturally, that makes me Psoich.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. But, Psoich, like that, Psoich! However, that's nothing; there are worse, my jewel.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Well, Sysoy Psoich, what was it you were going to tell us?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Well, it was like this, my dear Agrafena Kondratyevna: it isn't as if it were a proverb, in a kind of fable, but a real occurrence. I'll just take a thimbleful, Agrafena Kondratyevna. [Drinks.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Help yourself, my dear sir, help yourself.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. [Sits down] There was an old man, a venerable old man—Here, I've forgotten where it was, my dear madam—only it was in some desert spot. He had twelve daughters, my dear madam; each younger than the other! He didn't have the strength to work himself; his wife, too, was very old, the children were still small; and one has to eat and drink. What they had was used up by the time they were old, and there was no one to give them food and drink. Where could they find refuge with their little children? Then he set to thinking this way, then that way.—No, my dear lady, that's where thinking won't do any good. "I'll go," he said, "to the crossroads; perhaps I can get something from charitable people." He sat all day. "God'll help you," they told him. Sits there another day "God'll help you!" Well, my dear lady, he began to murmur.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Holy saints!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. "Good Lord!" he said, "I'm no extortioner, I'm no usurer—it would be better," he said, "to lay hands on myself."

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Merciful heavens!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. And lo! my dear madam, there came a dream to him in the night——



SCENE IX

The same and BOLSHOV

BOLSHOV. Ha, you here, sir? What's this you're preaching here?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. [Bows] I hope you're well, Samson Silych.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Why, my jewel! You seem to be growing thin. Or have you been crippled somehow?

BOLSHOV. [Sitting down] Must be I've caught cold, or perhaps my blood's in a bad way.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Well, Sysoy Psoich, and what happened to him next?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Some other time, Agrafena Kondratyevna, some other time I'll finish telling; I'll run in some day about dusk and tell you about it fully.

BOLSHOV. What's the matter with you; trying to be sanctimonious? Ha, ha, ha! It's time you came to!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. There, now, you're beginning! You won't let us have a heart-to-heart talk together.

BOLSHOV. Heart-to-heart talk! Ha, ha, ha! But you just ask him how his case was lost from court; there's the story he'll tell you better.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. On the contrary, it was not lost! That's not true, Samson Silych!

BOLSHOV. Then what did they turn you out for?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. This is why, my dear Agrafena Kondratyevna. I took one case home with me from the court; on the way my friend and I just stepped aside—mortal man is weak; well, you understand—if you'll permit me to say it, into the wine-shop, so to speak. I left it there, and when I was rather tipsy, I suppose, I forgot it. What of that? It might happen to anybody. Afterwards, my dear lady, they missed that case in court; we looked and looked, and I went home twice with the bailiff—still we couldn't find it. They wanted to bring me to trial, but suddenly I remembered: it must be, now, I forgot that thing and left it in the wine-shop. I went there with the bailiff, and there it was.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. I declare! That may happen to a sober man as well as to one who drinks. What a pity!

BOLSHOV. How is it they didn't send you off to Kamchatka?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. To Kamchatka! But why, permit me to ask you, why should they send me off to Kamchatka?

BOLSHOV. Why? Because you're drunk and disorderly. Do they have to show you any indulgence? Why, you'll just kill yourself drinking.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. On the contrary, they spared me. You see, my dear Agrafena Kondratyevna, they wanted to try me for that very thing—I went immediately to our general, and flopped at his feet! "Your Excellency!" I said. "Don't ruin me! I've a wife," I said, "and little children!" "Well," he said, "deuce take you; they won't strike a man when he's down: tender your resignation, so I shan't see you here." So he spared me. What now! God bless him! He doesn't forget me even now; sometimes I run in to see him on a holiday: "Well," says he, "how are you, Sysoy Psoich?" "I came, your Excellency, to wish you a happy holiday." So, I went to the Troitsa monastery not long ago, and brought him a consecrated wafer. I'll just take a thimbleful, Agrafena Kondratyevna. [Drinks.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. With my compliments, my dear sir. Ustinya Naumovna, let's you and me go out; the samovar is ready, I suppose; I'll show you that we have something new for the wedding outfit.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. I suppose, my jewel, you have heaps of stuff ready.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Why certainly. The new materials have come, and it seems as if we didn't have to pay money for them.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. What's the use of talking, my pearl! You have your own shop, and it's as if they grew in your garden. [They go out.



SCENE X

BOLSHOV and RISPOLOZHENSKY

BOLSHOV. Well, Sysoy Psoich, I suppose you've wasted a good deal of ink in your time on this pettifoggery?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. He, he! Samson Silych, cheap goods! But I came to inquire how your business is getting on.

BOLSHOV. You did! Much you need to know! Bah, you low-down people! You bloodsuckers! Just let you scent out something or other, and immediately you sneak round with your diabolical suggestions.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. What kind of a suggestion could come from me, Samson Silych? What kind of a teacher should I be, when you yourself, perhaps, are ten times wiser than I am? I shall do what I'm asked to do. How can I help it? I'd be a hog if I didn't; because I, it may be said, am loaded with favors by you, and so are my kiddies. I'm too much of a fool to advise you; you know your own business yourself better than anybody else.

BOLSHOV. Know my own business! That's the trouble; men like me, merchants, blockheads, understand nothing; and this just serves the turn of such leeches as you. And now you'll besiege me on every side and haunt me to death.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. How can I help haunting you? If I didn't love you I wouldn't haunt you. Haven't I any feelings? Am I really a mere dumb brute?

BOLSHOV. I know that you love me—you all love us; only one can't get anything decent out of you. Here I'm worrying, worrying with this business so that I'm worn out, if you believe me, with this one anxiety. If I could only get it over with, and out of my head.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Well, Samson Silych, you aren't the first, nor the last; aren't others doing it?

BOLSHOV. How can they help it, brother? Others are doing it. But how do they do it; without shame, without conscience! They ride in carriages with easy springs; they live in three-storied houses. One of them will build a belvedere with pillars, in which he's ashamed to show his ugly phiz; and that's the end of him, and you can't get anything out of him. These carriages will roll away, Lord knows where; all his houses are mortgaged, and all the creditors will get out of it'll be three pairs of old boots. That's the whole story. And who is it that he'll fool? Just some poor beggars whom he'll send out into the world in nothing but their shirts. But my creditors are all rich men; what difference will it make to them?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Naturally. Why, Samson Silych, all that is in our hands.

BOLSHOV. I know that it's in our hands; but are you equal to handling this affair? You see, you lawyers are a rum lot. Oh, I know you! You're nimble enough in words, and then you go and mess things up.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. But come now, Samson Silych, if you please: do you think this is the first time for me! As though I didn't know that already! He, he, he! Yes, I've done such things before; and they've turned out fine. They'd have sent anybody else long ago for such jobs to the other side of nowhere.

BOLSHOV. Oho! What kind of a scheme will you get up?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Why, we'll see—according to circumstances. I'll just take a thimbleful, Samson Silych. [Drinks] Now, the first thing, Samson Silych, we must mortgage the house and shops; or sell them. That's the first thing.

BOLSHOV. Yes, that positively must be done right away. But on whom shall we shove the stuff? Shall it be my wife?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Illegal, Samson Silych! That's illegal! It is stated in the laws that such sales are not valid. It's an easy thing to do, but you'll have to see that there're no hitches afterward. If it's to be done, it must be done thoroughly, Samson Silych.

BOLSHOV. That's it: there must be no loose ends.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. If you make it over to an outsider, there's nothing they can cavil at. Let 'em try to make a row later, and try to dispute good legal papers.

BOLSHOV. But here's the trouble: when you make over your house to an outsider, maybe it'll stick to him, like a flea to a soldier.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Well, Samson Silych, you must look for a man who knows what conscience is.

BOLSHOV. But where are you going to find him nowadays? Everybody's watching his chance these days to grab you by the collar; and here you want conscience!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Here's my idea, Samson Silych, whether you want to listen to me or not: what sort of a fellow is your clerk?

BOLSHOV. Which one? Do you mean Lazar?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Yes; Lazar Elizarych.

BOLSHOV. All right, Lazar; make it over to him; he's a young man with understanding, and he has some capital.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. What do you want, Samson Silych, a mortgage-deed or a purchase-deed?

BOLSHOV. Whichever you can get at the lowest interest rate'll suit me. But do the thing up brown and I'll give you such a fee, Sysoy Psoich, as'll fairly make your hair curl.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Set your mind at rest, Samson Silych, I know my own business. But have you talked to Lazar Elizarych about this thing or not? Samson Silych, I'll just take a thimbleful. [Drinks.

BOLSHOV. Not yet. We'll talk it over to-day. He's a capable lad; only wink at him, and he understands. And he'll do the business up so tight that you can't get in a finger. Well! we'll mortgage the house; and then what?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Then we'll write out a statement that such and such notes are due, and that we'll pay twenty-five kopeks on the ruble: well, then go see the creditors. If anybody is especially stubborn, you can add a bit, and if a man gets real angry, pay him the whole bill. You'll pay him on the condition that he writes that he accepted twenty-five kopeks—just for appearances, to show the others. "That's the way he did," you see; and the others, seeing the document, will agree.

BOLSHOV. That's right, there's no harm in bargaining: if they don't take it at twenty-five kopeks, they'll take it at half a ruble; but if they won't take it at half a ruble, they'll grab for it with both hands at seventy kopeks. We'll profit, anyhow. There, you can say what you please, but I have a marriageable daughter; I want to pass her on, and get rid of her. And then, my boy, it'll be time for me to take a rest; I'll have an easy time lying on my back; and to the devil with all this trading! But here comes Lazar.



SCENE XI

The same and PODKHALYUZIN, who enters

BOLSHOV. What do you say, Lazar? Just come from town? How are your affairs?

PODKHALYUZIN. Oh, they're getting on so-so; thank God, sir! Good morning, Sysoy Psoich! [Bows.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. How do you do, my dear Lazar Elizarych! [Bows.

BOLSHOV. If they're getting on, let 'em get. [After a short silence] But, look here, Lazar, when you make up the balance for me at your leisure, you might deduct the retail items sold to the gentry, and the rest of that sort of thing. You see, we're trading and trading, my boy, but there's not a kopek of profit in it. Maybe the clerks are going wrong and are carrying off stuff to their folks and mistresses. You ought to give 'em a word of advice. What's the use of fooling around without making any profits? Don't they know the tricks of the trade? It's high time, it seems to me.

PODKHALYUZIN. How in the world can they help knowing, Samson Silych? It seems as if I were always in town and always talking to them, sir.

BOLSHOV. But what do you say?

PODKHALYUZIN. Why, the usual thing, sir. I try to have everything in order and as it should be. "Now, my boys," I say, "look sharp, now. Maybe there's a chance for a sale; some idiot of a purchaser may turn up, or a colored pattern may catch some young lady's eye, and click!" I say, "you add a ruble or two to the price per yard."

BOLSHOV. I suppose you know, brother, how the Germans in our shops swindle the gentlemen. Even if we're not Germans, but orthodox Christians, we, too, like to eat stuffed pasties. Ain't that so? Ha?

RISPOLOZHENSKY laughs.

PODKHALYUZIN. Why certainly, sir. "And you must measure," I say, "more naturally: pull and stretch ju-u-u-st enough, God save us, not to tear the cloth: you see," I say, "we don't have to wear it afterwards. Well, and if they look the other way, nobody's to blame if you should happen to measure one yard of cloth twice."

BOLSHOV. It's all one. I suppose the tailor'd steal it. Ha? He'd steal it, I suppose?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. He'd steal it, Samson Silych, certainly that rascal would steal it; I know these tailors.

BOLSHOV. That's it; the whole lot of them are rascals, and we get the thanks.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Quite right, Samson Silych, you're certainly speaking the truth.

BOLSHOV. Ah, Lazar, profits are rotten these days: it's not as it used to be. [After a moment of silence] Well, did you bring the paper?

PODKHALYUZIN. [Taking it from his pocket and handing it over] Be so good as to read it, sir.

BOLSHOV. Just give it here; we'll take a look. [He puts on his spectacles and examines the paper.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Samson Silych, I'll just take a thimbleful. He drinks, then puts on his spectacles, sits down beside BOLSHOV, and looks at the newspapers.

BOLSHOV. [Reads aloud] "Crown announcements, and from various societies. One, two, three, four, five, and six, from the Foundlings' Hospital." That's not in our line: it's not for us to buy peasants. "Seven and eight from Moscow University, from the Government Regencies, from the Office of the Board of Charities." Well, we'll pass that up, too. "From the City Council of Six." Now, sir, maybe there's something here! [He reads] "The Moscow City Council of Six hereby announces: Would not some one care to take in his charge the collection of taxes as named below?" That's not our line, you have to give security. "The Office of the Widows' Home hereby invites—" Let it invite, we won't go. "From the Orphans' Court." I haven't any father or mother, myself. [Examines farther] Aha! Here something's slipped up! Listen here, Lazar! "Year so-and-so, twelfth day of September, according to the decision of the Commerce Court, the merchant Fedot Seliverstov Pleshkov, of the first guild, was declared an insolvent debtor, in consequence of which—" What's the use of explaining? Everybody knows the consequences. There you are, Fedot Seliverstov! What a grandee he was, and he's gone to smash! But say, Lazar, doesn't he owe us something?

PODKHALYUZIN. He owes us a very little, sir. They took somewhere between six and eight barrels of sugar for home use.

BOLSHOV. A bad business, Lazar. Well, he'll pay me back in full, out of friendliness.

PODKHALYUZIN. It's doubtful, Sir.

BOLSHOV. We'll settle it somehow. [Reads] "Moscow merchant of the first guild, Antip Sysoyev Enotov, declared an insolvent debtor—" Does he owe us anything?

PODKHALYUZIN. For vegetable oil, sir; just before Lent they took about three kegs, sir.

BOLSHOV. Those blooming vegetarians that keep all the fasts! They want to please God at other people's expense. Brother, don't you trust their sedate ways! Those people cross themselves with one hand, and slip the other into your pocket. Here's the third; "Moscow merchant of the second guild, Efrem Lukin Poluarshinnikov[1], declared an insolvent debtor." Well, what about him?

[Footnote 1: Half a yard.]

PODKHALYUZIN. We have his note, sir.

BOLSHOV. Protested?

PODKHALYUZIN. Yes, sir. He himself's in hiding, sir.

BOLSHOV. Well! And the fourth there, Samopalov. Why! have they got a combination against us?

PODKHALYUZIN. Such an underhanded gang, sir.

BOLSHOV. [Turning over the pages] One couldn't get through reading them until to-morrow. Take it away!

PODKHALYUZIN. They only dirty the paper. What a moral lesson for the whole merchant corporation! [Silence.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Good-by, Samson Silych, I'll run home now; I have some little matters to look after.

BOLSHOV. You might sit a little while longer.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. No, confound it, Samson Silych, I haven't time. I'll come to you as early as possible to-morrow morning.

BOLSHOV. Well, as you choose!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Good-by! Good-by, Lazar Elizarych! [He goes out.



SCENE XII

BOLSHOV and PODKHALYUZIN

BOLSHOV. Now consider, Lazar, what trading's like: just think about it. You think it's getting money for nothing? "Money, not much!" they tell you; "ain't seen any for a long time. Take my note," they say. But what are you going to get from some people on a note? Here I have about a hundred thousand rubles' worth of 'em lying around, and with protests. You don't do anything but add to the heap each year. If you want, I'll sell you the whole pile for half a ruble in silver. You'll never catch the men who signed 'em even with bloodhounds. Some have died off, some have run away; there's not even a single man to put in the pen. Suppose you do send one there, Lazar, that doesn't do you any good; some of 'em will hold on so that you can't smoke 'em out. "I'm all right here," they say, "you go hang!" Isn't that so, Lazar?

PODKHALYUZIN. Just so, that's the way it happens.

BOLSHOV. Always notes, notes! But what on earth is a note? Absolutely nothing but paper, if I may say so. And if you discount it, they do it at a rate that makes your belly ache, and you pay for it later with your own property. [After a brief silence] It's better not to have dealings with provincials: always on credit, always on credit; and if he ever does bring the money, it's in slick small change—you look, and there's neither head nor tail to the coins, and the denomination's rubbed off long ago. But do as you please here! You'd better not show your goods to the tradesman of this place; any one of 'em'll go into any warehouse and sniff and peck, and peck, and then clear out. It'd be all right if there were no goods, but what do you expect a man to trade in? I've got one apothecary shop, one dry goods, the third a grocery. No use, none of them pays. You needn't even go to the market; they cut the prices down worse than the devil knows what; but if you sell a horse-collar, you have to throw in trimmings and earnest money, and treat the fellows, and stand all sorts of losses through wrong weights. That's the way it goes! Don't you realize that?

PODKHALYUZIN. Seems I ought to realize it, sir.

BOLSHOV. There's business for you, and that's the way to do it. [Silence] Well, Lazar, what do you think?

PODKHALYUZIN. What should I think, sir? That's just as you please. My business is that of a subordinate.

BOLSHOV. What do you mean, subordinate? Just speak out freely. I'm asking you about the business.

PODKHALYUZIN. Again, Samson Silych, it's just as you please, sir.

BOLSHOV. You twaddle one thing: "As you please." But what do you think?

PODKHALYUZIN. That I can't say, sir.

BOLSHOV. [After a brief silence] Tell me, Lazar, on your conscience; do you love me? [Silence] Do you love me or not? Why are you silent? [Silence] I've given you food and drink, set you up in the world; haven't I?

PODKHALYUZIN. Oh, Samson Silych! What's the use of talking about it, sir? Don't have any doubts about me! Only one word: I'm just such as you see me.

BOLSHOV. What do you mean by that?

PODKHALYUZIN. Why, if you need anybody or anything whatsoever, you can count on me. I shan't spare myself.

BOLSHOV. Well, then, there's nothing more to be said. In my opinion, Lazar, now is the most proper time; we have a good deal of ready cash, and all the notes have fallen due. What's the use of waiting? You'll wait, if you please, until some merchant just like yourself, the dirty cur, will strip you bare, and then, you'll see, he'll make an agreement at ten kopeks on the ruble, and he'll wallow in his millions, and won't think you're worth spitting at. But you, an honorable tradesman, must just watch him, and suffer—keep on staring. Here's what I think, Lazar: to offer the creditors such a proposition as this—will they accept from me twenty-five kopeks on the ruble? What do you think?

PODKHALYUZIN. Why, according to my notion, Samson Silych, if you're going to pay at the rate of twenty-five kopeks, it would be more decent not to pay at all.

BOLSHOV. Why, really, that's so. You won't scare anybody by a bluff; but it's better to settle the affair on the quiet. Then wait for the Lord to judge you at the Second Coming. Only it's a heap of trouble. I'm going to mortgage my house and shops to you.

PODKHALYUZIN. Impossible to do it without some bother, sir. You'll have to get rid of the notes for something, sir; have the merchandise transferred somewhere further off. We'll get busy, sir!

BOLSHOV. Just so. Although an old man, I'm going to get busy. But are you going to help?

PODKHALYUZIN. Good gracious, Samson Silych, I'll go through fire and water, sir.

BOLSHOV. What could be better! Why the devil should I scratch around for pennies. I'll make one swoop, and that's an end to it! Only God give us the nerve! Thanks, Lazar. You've treated me like a friend. [He rises] Now, get busy! [He goes up to him and taps him on the shoulder] If you get the thing done properly, you and I'll divide the profits. I'll reward you for the rest of your life.

[He goes to the door.

PODKHALYUZIN. I don't need anything, Samson Silych, except your peace of mind, sir. I've lived with you since my earliest years, and I've received countless favors from you; it may be said, sir, you took me as a little brat, to sweep out your shops; consequently I simply must be grateful.



ACT II

Office in the house of BOLSHOV. Rear centre a door; on the left a staircase leading to the floor above.



SCENE I

TISHKA near the front of the stage, with a brush

TISHKA. What a life, what a life! Sweep the floors before daylight! And is it my business to sweep floors? Things aren't the same here as with decent folks. Now if the other bosses have a boy, he lives with the boys; that is, he hangs around the shop. But with me it's now here, now there, tramp the pavement all day as if you were crazy. You'll soon feather your nest—I don't think! Decent people keep a porter for running around; but at our place he lies on the stove with the kittens, or he hangs around with the cook; but you're in demand. At other people's it's easy-going; if you get into mischief now and then, they make allowances for your youth. But at our house—if it isn't he, then it's somebody else; either the old man or the old woman will give you a hiding; otherwise there's the clerk Lazar, or there's Fominishna, or there's—any old rascal can lord it over you. What a cursed life it is! But if you want to tear yourself away from the house and go somewhere with friends to play three-card monte, or have a game of handball—don't think of such a thing! Now, really, there's something feels wrong in my head. [He climbs upon a chair on his knees and looks in the mirror] How do you do, Tikhon Savostyanovich! How are you getting along? Are you all top notch? Now, then, Tishka, just do a stunt. [He makes a grimace] That's what! [Another] Exactly like——

[He bursts out laughing.



SCENE II

TISHKA and PODKHALYUZIN, who steals in and seizes him by the collar.

PODKHALYUZIN. What are you doing there, you little imp?

TISHKA. What? You know what! I was wiping off dust!

PODKHALYUZIN. Were you wiping it off with your tongue? As if you could find any dust on the mirror! I'll show you some dust! You're showing off! I'll just warm up the nape of your neck so you'll know it.

TISHKA. Know what? Now what have I done?

PODKHALYUZIN. What have you done? What have you done? Say another word and you'll find out what! Just let out a peep!

TISHKA. Yes, a peep! I'm going to tell the boss, and then you'll catch it!

PODKHALYUZIN. Going to tell the boss! What's your boss to me? Why, if it came to that—what's your boss to me!—Why, you're just a kid that has to be taught; what were you thinking of? If we didn't wallop you imps there'd be no good come of you. That's the regular way of doing things. I, myself, my boy, have come through fire, water, and copper pipes.

TISHKA. I know you did.

PODKHALYUZIN. Shhh—you little devil! [Threatening him.

TISHKA. Ha, just try it! I'll sure tell, honest to goodness I will.

PODKHALYUZIN. What are you going to tell, you devil's pepper-pot?

TISHKA. What'll I say? Why, that you scold!

PODKHALYUZIN. Great impression that'll make! You're quite a gentleman! Come here, sir! Has Sysoy Psoich been here?

TISHKA. He sure has.

PODKHALYUZIN. Talk sense, you little devil! Was he going to come again?

TISHKA. He was that!

PODKHALYUZIN. Well, you can run along, now.

TISHKA. Do you want any vodka?

PODKHALYUZIN. Yes, I do. I'll have to treat Sysoy Psoich. [He gives money] Buy a bottle, but you keep the change for gingerbread. But see that you hurry, so they don't miss you here!

TISHKA. I'll be home before a short-haired girl can twist her braids. Off I go, hippity-hop.



SCENE III

PODKHALYUZIN alone

PODKHALYUZIN. What a misfortune! Here's where a misfortune has come upon us! What's to be done now? Well, it's a bad business. Now we can't avoid declaring ourselves bankrupt. Well, suppose the boss should have something left over; but where do I come in? What shall I do with myself? Sell junk in the second-hand market! I've worked, I've worked about twenty years, and then to be sent rambling! Now, how am I going to settle this matter? Perhaps with merchandise? Here, he said to sell the notes. [He draws them out and reads them] It must be that it's going to be possible to profit by it. [He walks about the room] They say a fellow ought to know what conscience is. Well, of course he ought to; but in what sense must he understand that? Everybody has conscience where a good man is concerned; but when the man himself is cheating others, then where does your conscience come in? Samson Silych is a very rich merchant, and has hatched up this whole business now just to kill time, so to speak. But I'm a poor man! If I should make a little extra profit in this business—then there can't be any sin in it; because he himself is acting dishonorably, and going against the law. And why should I pity him? The course is clear; well, don't slip up on it: he follows his politics, and you look out for your interest. I'd have seen the thing through with him, but I don't feel like it. Hm!—What day-dreams will come into a man's head! Of course, Olimpiada Samsonovna is a cultivated young lady; and it must be said, there're none on earth like her; but of course that suitor won't take her now; he'll say, "Give me money!" But where are you going to get money? And now she can't marry a nobleman because she hasn't any money. Sooner or later they'll have to marry her to a merchant. [He walks on in silence] I'll raise the dough, and bow to Samson Silych. "Samson Silych," says I, "I'm at an age when I must think about the continuance of posterity; and I, now, Samson Silych, haven't grudged my sweat and blood for your tranquillity. To be sure, now, Olimpiada Samsonovna is a cultivated young lady; but I, Samson Silych, am no common trash; you can see for yourself, if you please. I have capital, and I'm a good manager in that line." Why shouldn't he give her to me? Ain't I a man? I haven't been detected in any knavery; I'm respectful to my elders. But in addition to all that, as Samson Silych has mortgaged his house and shops to me, I can frighten him with the mortgage. Knowing as I do the disposition of Samson Silych to be what it is, that may very easily happen. This is the way with his sort: once they get an idea into their head, you simply can't drive it out. It's just as when, three years ago, he wanted to shave his beard. No matter how much Agrafena Kondratyevna begged and wept, "No," he said, "afterwards I'll let it grow again; but for the time being I'll have my own way." And he took and shaved it. It's the same way with this business; if I make a hit with him, or the idea strikes him all right—then it's sweet wedding-bells to-morrow, and that's all, and don't you dare argue! I could jump from the tower of Ivan the Great for the joy of it.

Enter TISHKA with the bottle.



SCENE IV

PODKHALYUZIN and TISHKA

TISHKA. [Coming in with the bottle] Here I am! I've come.

PODKHALYUZIN. Listen, Tishka, is Ustinya Naumovna here?

TISHKA. Up-stairs there. And the shyster's coming.

PODKHALYUZIN. Well, put the vodka on the table, and bring some relishes.

TISHKA puts down the vodka and brings relishes; then goes out.



SCENE V

PODKHALYUZIN and RISPOLOZHENSKY

PODKHALYUZIN. Ah, my respects to you, sir!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Mine to you, my dear Lazar Elizarych, mine to you! Fine. I think, now, perhaps there's something I can do. Is that vodka, near you? I'll just take a thimbleful, Lazar Elizarych. My hands have begun to shake mornings, especially the right one. When I go to write something, Lazar Elizarych, I have to hold it with my left. I swear I do. But take a sip of vodka, and it seems to do it good. [Drinks.

PODKHALYUZIN. Why do your hands shake?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. [Sits down by the table] From anxiety, Lazar Elizarych; from anxiety, my boy.

PODKHALYUZIN. Indeed, sir! But I suppose it's because you're plundering people overmuch. God is punishing you for your unrighteousness.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. He, he, he!—Lazar Elizarych! How could I plunder anybody? My business is of a small sort. I'm like a little bird, picking up small grains.

PODKHALYUZIN. You deal in small quantities, of course?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. You'd deal even in small quantities if you couldn't get anything else. Well, it wouldn't matter so much if I were alone; but, you see, I have a wife and four kiddies. They all want to eat, the little dears. One says, "Daddy, give me!" Another says, "Daddy, give me!" And I'm a man who feels strongly for his family. Here I entered one boy in the high school; he has to have a uniform, and then something else. And what's to become of the old shack?—Why, how much shoe-leather you wear out simply walking from Butirky to the Voskresensky Gates.

PODKHALYUZIN. That's right, sir.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. And why do you make the trip? You write a little petition for one man, you register somebody else in the citizen class. Some days you'll not bring home half a ruble in silver. I vow, I'm not lying! Then what're you going to live on? Lazar Elizarych, I'll just take a thimbleful. [Drinks] "So," I think, "I'll just drop in on Lazar Elizarych; perhaps he'll spare me a little change."

PODKHALYUZIN. For what sort of knavery, sir?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. What do you mean by knavery! Come, that's a sin, Lazar Elizarych! Don't I serve you? I'm your servant till the grave; command me what you want. And I fixed up the mortgage for you!

PODKHALYUZIN. See here, you've been paid! And it's not your business to keep harping on the same string!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Just so, Lazar Elizarych, I've been paid. Just so! Ah, Lazar Elizarych, poverty has crushed me!

PODKHALYUZIN. Poverty crushed you! Oh, that happens, sir. [He approaches and sits down by the table] Well, sir, I have a little extra money; I've no place to put it. [Lays his pocketbook on the table.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. What, you, Lazar Elizarych? Extra money? I'm afraid you're joking.

PODKHALYUZIN. All joking aside, sir.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Well, if you have a little extra money, why not help a poor man? God'll reward you for it.

PODKHALYUZIN. But d'you need much?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Give me just three rubles.

PODKHALYUZIN. Is that all, sir?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Well, give me five.

PODKHALYUZIN. Oh, ask more!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Well, then, if you'll be so good, give me ten.

PODKHALYUZIN. Ten, sir! What, for nothing?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Indeed not! I'll work it off, Lazar Elizarych; we'll be quits sometime or other.

PODKHALYUZIN. That's all talk, sir. The snail keeps going, and sometime she'll get there! But here's the little business I want to put up to you now: did Samson Silych promise you much for fixing up this scheme?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. I'm ashamed to tell you, Lazar Elizarych! A thousand rubles and an old coon-skin overcoat. No one will accept less than I, by heavens; just go and inquire prices.

PODKHALYUZIN. Well, here's what, Sysoy Psoich; I'll give you two thousand for that identical business, sir.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Oh, Lazar Elizarych, my benefactor! I and my wife and children'll be your slaves!

PODKHALYUZIN. One hundred in silver, spot cash; but the rest later upon the completion of the whole business, sir!

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Now, then, how can one help praying for people like you! Only a kind of ignorant swine could fail to feel that. I bow down to your feet, Lazar Elizarych!

PODKHALYUZIN. Really now, what for, sir? Only, Sysoy Psoich, don't run about like a chicken with its head cut off, but go in for accuracy—straight to the point, and walk the line. Do you understand, sir?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. How can I help understanding? Why, Lazar Elizarych, do you think I'm still a boy? It's time I understood!

PODKHALYUZIN. Yes, but what do you understand? Here's the way things are, sir. Just listen first. Samson Silych and I came to town, and we brought along the list as was proper. Then he went to the creditors: this one didn't agree, that one didn't agree; that's the way, and not a single one will take up the proposition. That's the way the affair stands.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. What's that you say, Lazar Elizarych? Oh! Just think of it, what a gang.

PODKHALYUZIN. And how are we going to make a good thing out of this business now? Do you understand me, or not?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. That is, the insolvency, Lazar Elizarych?

PODKHALYUZIN. The insolvency will take care of itself; but I mean my own business affairs.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. He, he, he!—That is, the house and the shops—even—the house—he, he, he!——

PODKHALYUZIN. What's the matter, sir?

RISPOLOZHENSKY. No, sir; that's just my foolishness; I was just joking.

PODKHALYUZIN. Fine jokes, indeed! Don't you joke about that, sir. The house is nothing; I have such a dream in my head now about that subject, that I must talk it over with you at length. Just come to my room, sir. Tishka!



SCENE VI

The same and TISHKA

PODKHALYUZIN. Put all this in order! Well, let's go, Sysoy Psoich!

TISHKA is about to carry away the vodka.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Wait, wait! Eh, my boy, what an idiot you are! If you see that a fellow wants to drink, just wait a bit. You just wait a bit. You're young yet, but you just be polite and condescending. Lazar Elizarych, I'll just take a thimbleful.

PODKHALYUZIN. Help yourself, only hurry up; I'm afraid he'll come.

RISPOLOZHENSKY. Right away, my dear Lazar Elizarych, right away! [Drinks and smacks his lips] But it would be better to take it with us. [They go out.

TISHKA arranges something or other; from above descend USTINYA NAUMOVNA and FOMINISHNA. TISHKA goes out.

FOMINISHNA. Now do fix it up for her, Ustinya Naumovna! You see the girl is all worked up; and, indeed, it's time, my dear. Youth isn't a bottomless kettle, and they say it gets empty. I can say that from my own experience. I got married when I was thirteen; but in another month she'll have passed her nineteenth year. Why let her pine away for nothing? Others of her age have long since borne children. And so, my dear, why let her pine away?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. I keep thinking about that myself, my jewel; but the thing isn't held up on my account; I have a whole pack of suitors, all right. But, confound it, she and her mother are mighty particular.

FOMINISHNA. Why should they be particular? Well, the chief thing is that they should be fresh-complexioned people, not bald, and not smell bad; and then anything'll pass, so it's a man!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. [Sitting down] Sit down a minute, my jewel. I have worn myself out the livelong day; from early morning I've been tearing around like a wet hen. But, you see, I couldn't neglect anything; I'm an indispensable person everywhere. Naturally, my jewel, every person is a human being: a man needs a wife, a girl a husband; give it to them if you have to rob the cradle; then here and there there's a genuine wedding. And who fixes them up? Why, I do. Ustinya Naumovna has to bear the burden for all of them. And why does she have to? Because that's the way things are; from the beginning of the world, that's the way the wheel was wound up. However, to tell the truth, they don't cheat me for my trouble: one gives me the material for a dress, another a fringed shawl, another makes up a cap for you, and here and there you'll get a gold piece, and here and there something better—just what the job deserves and they're able to pay.

FOMINISHNA. What's the use of talking, my dear; what's the use of talking!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Sit down, Fominishna; your legs are old and rickety.

FOMINISHNA. Eh! Haven't time, my dear! You see, it's just awful; because he doesn't come home we're all scared to death: he may come home drunk at any time. And then what a bad one, good Lord! Then what a row he'll kick up.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Naturally; a rich peasant is worse than the devil to talk to.

FOMINISHNA. We've seen him do terrible things. One night last week he came home drunk. He tore around, and what a row! It was simply awful; he smashed the china—"Ooo!" he said, "I'll kill the whole crowd of you at once!"

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Vulgarity!

FOMINISHNA. That's the truth, my dear. But I'll just run up-stairs, darling—Agrafena Kondratyevna is alone in my room. When you're going home, come back to me; I'll tie up a bit of ham for you. [She mounts the stairs.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. I'll follow, my jewel, I'll follow.

PODKHALYUZIN enters.



SCENE VII

USTINYA NAUMOVNA and PODKHALYUZIN

PODKHALYUZIN. Ah! Ustinya Naumovna! It's been ages since I've seen you, ma'am.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. How are you, dear soul! How've you been?

PODKHALYUZIN. Oh, able to be around, ma'am.

[He sits down.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. I'll capture a little mamzelle for you if you want me to. PODKHALYUZIN. Thank you kindly—I don't need one yet.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. If you don't want one yourself, my jewel, I'll do a good turn for your friends. I suppose you have friends around town, a whole pack.

PODKHALYUZIN. I have quite a few, ma'am.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Well, if you have, thank the Lord! If you know of a marriageable man, whether he's a bachelor, unmarried, or a widower—drag him straight to me.

PODKHALYUZIN. Will you find him a wife?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. I will. Why shouldn't I find him a wife? I'll do it in a jiffy.

PODKHALYUZIN. That's very fine, ma'am, But now I ask you, Ustinya Naumovna, why do you come here to us so confoundedly often?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. What's that to you? Why shouldn't I come? I'm no thief, no sheep without a name. What do you mean by that question?

PODKHALYUZIN. But, really, aren't you wasting your time coming?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Wasting my time? Where did you get that idea, my jewel? Just see here, what sort of a husband I've found: an aristocrat, has peasants, and a fine young man.

PODKHALYUZIN. Why has the thing come to a halt, ma'am?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. It hasn't come to a halt! He wanted to come to-morrow to get acquainted. So we'll hitch him up, and it'll all be over.

PODKHALYUZIN. Hitch him up, try it—he'll give you the slip.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. What's the matter, are you in your right mind, my jewel?

PODKHALYUZIN. You'll see!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. May I die before to-night, but you're either drunk, my jewel, or you've wandered clean out of your head.

PODKHALYUZIN. Be so good as not to trouble yourself about that; you look out for yourself; but I know what I know.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Well, what do you know?

PODKHALYUZIN. No matter what I know, ma'am.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. If you know something, tell me what it is: I suppose your tongue won't fall off.

PODKHALYUZIN. That's the point of the thing—that I can't tell it.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Why can't you? Why do you hesitate to tell me, my jewel? Go ahead, talk—it doesn't matter what it is.

PODKHALYUZIN. It's not a matter of conscience. But if I tell you, of course you'll go and blab!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Curst if I do! You may chop off my hand!

PODKHALYUZIN. That's it, ma'am; a promise is better than money.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Of course. Well, what do you know?

PODKHALYUZIN. Here's what, Ustinya Naumovna: isn't it possible to throw over that suitor you've found, ma'am?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. What's the matter with you; are you gone daft?

PODKHALYUZIN. Gone daft nothing, ma'am! But if you want to have a heart-to-heart talk, honor bright, ma'am; then here's the sort of thing it is, ma'am: at my house there's a certain Russian merchant I know, who is very much in love with Olimpiada Samsonovna, ma'am. "No matter what I have to give," says he, "so long as I get married," says he; "I shan't grudge any sum."

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Why didn't you tell me about that before, my jewel?

PODKHALYUZIN. There was nothing to tell for the good reason that I only just now found out about it, ma'am.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. But it's late now, my jewel!

PODKHALYUZIN. And what a suitor he is, Ustinya Naumovna! He'll shower you with gold from head to foot, ma'am; he'll have a cloak made for you out of live sables.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. But, my dear, it's impossible! I'd be tickled to death, but I've given my word.

PODKHALYUZIN. Just as you please, ma'am! But if you betroth her to the other fellow, you'll bring such bad luck upon yourself, that you'll not get clear afterwards!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. But just consider yourself, how'll I have the nerve to show my face before Samson Silych? I gave it to him hot and heavy: that the fellow is rich, and handsome, and so much in love that he is half dead; and now what'll I say? You know yourself what a fellow Samson Silych is; you see he'll pull my cap over my ears before you know it.

PODKHALYUZIN. Pull your cap nothing, ma'am!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. And I've got the girl all worked up. Twice a day she sends to me and asks: "What's the matter with my suitor?" and, "What's he like?"

PODKHALYUZIN. But don't you run away from your own good fortune, Ustinya Naumovna. Do you want two thousand rubles and a sable cloak for merely arranging this wedding, ma'am? But let our understanding about the match be private. I tell you, ma'am, that this suitor's such a sort as you've never seen; there's only one thing, ma'am: he's not of aristocratic origin.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. But is she an aristocrat? Pity if she is, my jewel! That's the way things go these days: every peasant girl is trying to worm her way into the nobility.—Now, although this here Olimpiada Samsonovna—of course, God give her good health—gives presents like a princess, yet, believe me, her origin's no better than ours. Her father, Samson Silych, dealt in leather mittens on the Balchug; respectable people called him Sammy, and fed him with thumps behind the ears. And her mother, Agrafena Kondratyevna, was little more than a peasant girl, and he got her from Preobrazhenskoye. They got together some capital, climbed into the merchant class—so the daughter has her eye peeled for the title of princess. And all that through money. How much worse am I than she? Yet I have to trot at her heels. God knows what kind of bringing-up she's had: she walks like an elephant crawls on his belly; whether French or piano, it's a bit here and a bit there, and there's nothing to it; and when she starts to dance—I have to stuff a handkerchief in my mouth.

PODKHALYUZIN. But, look here—it'd be more proper for her to marry a merchant.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. But how'll I stand with the first suitor, my jewel? I've already assured him that Olimpiada Samsonovna is such a beauty, that she's the real ticket for him; "and educated," I said, "in French, and is trained in all sorts of society ways." And now what am I going to say to him?

PODKHALYUZIN. Why, just tell him also: "Now, she is a beauty, and cultivated in a good many ways; only they've lost all their money." And he'll break off himself!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Well, now, that's so, my jewel! But, no, wait! You see I told him that Samson Silych is rolling in money.

PODKHALYUZIN. See here, you talk too much. But how do you know how much money Samson Silych has; you haven't counted it, have you?

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Ask anybody you please; every one knows that Samson Silych is the richest sort of merchant.

PODKHALYUZIN. Yes! Much you know! But what'll happen when, after you've engaged a man of standing, Samson Silych won't give any money? Afterwards the fellow'll come up and say, says he: "I'm no merchant, that you can cheat me out of the dowry!" Furthermore, like a man of standing he'll file a complaint at court, because a man of standing has his own way everywhere, ma'am; then Samson Silych and I'll be ruined, and there'll be no getting out of it for you. Here, you yourself know you can cheat anybody of our sort out of a dowry, that'll work; but just try to fool a man of standing, and you'll not get away with it afterwards.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. That's enough trying to scare me! You've muddled my head completely.

PODKHALYUZIN. Here, take these hundred rubles in silver as earnest-money, and give us your hand on it, ma'am.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. And you say, my jewel, two thousand rubles and a sable cloak?

PODKHALYUZIN. Exactly so, ma'am. Be at rest on that score!—And you'll put on that sable cloak, Ustinya Naumovna, and you'll go out walking—why, anybody will think you're a general's wife.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Do you think so? Well, now, indeed! When I put on that sable cloak, I'll look my perkiest, with my hands by my sides; then your bearded friends will stare with their mouths wide open. They'll get to sighing so that you couldn't stop them with a fire engine; the women will all turn up their noses from jealousy.

PODKHALYUZIN. Just so, ma'am!

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Give me the earnest-money! Here goes!

PODKHALYUZIN. But, Ustinya Naumovna, you're doing this of your own free will; don't back out.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Back out, what for? Just look: two thousand rubles, and a sable cloak!

PODKHALYUZIN. I tell you, we'll make it out of live sables. There's nothing more to be said.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. Well, good-by, my emerald! I'll run off now to the suitor. We'll see each other to-morrow, and then I'll report to you.

PODKHALYUZIN. Wait a minute! Where're you going! Just follow me—we'll just take a drink of vodka, ma'am. Tishka! Tishka! [Enter TISHKA] You keep a lookout, and if you see the boss coming, run for me straight off.

[They go out.



SCENE VIII

TISHKA alone.

TISHKA. [Sits down beside the table and takes some money out of his pocket] Half a ruble in silver—that's what Lazar gave me to-day. And the other day, when I fell from the steeple, Agrafena Kondratyevna gave me ten kopeks; I won twenty-five kopeks at heads and tails; and day before yesterday the boss forgot and left one whole ruble on the counter. Gee, here's money for you! [He counts to himself. The voice of FOMINISHNA is heard behind the scene: "Tishka, oh, Tishka! How long have I got to call you?"] Now what's the matter there? ["Is Lazar at home?"]—He was, but he's sure gone now! ["Well, where has he sneaked to?"] How in the world should I know? He doesn't ask my leave. If he had, I'd know.

FOMINISHNA comes down the stairs.

FOMINISHNA. You see Samson Silych has come, and seems to be tipsy.

TISHKA. Phew! We're goners!

FOMINISHNA. Run for Lazar, Tishka; there's a dear; run quick!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. [Appearing at the head of the stairs] What's this, Fominishna dear, where's he bound for?

FOMINISHNA. This way, I guess, my dear! Ah, I'll close the doors, good heavens, I'll close them; let him go up-stairs, but you stay here, my dear.

A knock at the door, and the voice of SAMSON SILYCH: "Hey! open up; who's there?" AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA disappears.

FOMINISHNA. Come in, honey, come in and go to sleep; God bless you!

BOLSHOV. [Behind the door] What's the matter with you, you old cripple; have you lost your wits?

FOMINISHNA. Ah, my dear boy! Ah, I'm a blind old granny. But, you see, I was fool enough, somehow, to think you'd come home tipsy. Forgive me, I've gotten deaf in my old age.

SAMSON SILYCH comes in.



SCENE IX

FOMINISHNA and BOLSHOV

BOLSHOV. Has that shyster been cooking up any deviltry here?

FOMINISHNA. They've cooked cabbage soup with corned beef, and roast goose.

BOLSHOV. Are you gone daft, you old fool?

FOMINISHNA. No, dear! I gave the order to the cook myself!

BOLSHOV. Get out! [He sits down.

FOMINISHNA goes to the door; PODKHALYUZIN and TISHKA come in.

FOMINISHNA. [Returning] Ah, I'm a fool, a fool! Don't punish me for my bad memory. The cold roast sucking pig had entirely jumped out of my mind.



SCENE X

PODKHALYUZIN, BOLSHOV, and TISHKA

BOLSHOV. Go to the pigs yourself! [FOMINISHNA goes out. To TISHKA] What are you gaping at? Haven't you anything to do?

PODKHALYUZIN. [To TISHKA] You've been spoken to, haven't you?

TISHKA goes out.

BOLSHOV. Has the shyster been here?

PODKHALYUZIN. He has, sir.

BOLSHOV. Did you talk with him?

PODKHALYUZIN. Why, Samson Silych? Does he have any feeling? Isn't his soul naturally nothing but ink, sir? He just thrums on one string—to declare yourself bankrupt.

BOLSHOV. If I must declare myself bankrupt, I'll do it, and there's an end to it.

PODKHALYUZIN. Ah, Samson Silych, what's that you're saying!

BOLSHOV. What! pay out money? Where did you get that notion? I will rather burn everything in the fire, before I'll give them a kopek. Transfer the merchandise, sell the notes, let 'em pilfer, let anybody steal who wants to; but I'm not going to pay a kopek.

PODKHALYUZIN. Pardon me, Samson Silych, we had the business all going fine; and now everything has to be thrown into confusion.

BOLSHOV. What affair was it of yours? It ain't yours. You just work hard—I'll not forget you.

PODKHALYUZIN. I'm not in need of anything after the kindness you have shown me, and you're quite wrong in having any such idea about me. I'm ready to give away my whole soul for you, and by no means to do anything tricky. You're getting on in years; Agrafena Kondratyevna is a very gentle lady; Olimpiada Samsonovna is an accomplished young lady, and of suitable years; and you've got to spend some thought on her. But now such are the circumstances; there's no knowing what may come of all this.

BOLSHOV. Well, what could come of it? I'm the only one responsible.

PODKHALYUZIN. Why talk about you! You, Samson Silych, have already had a long life; thank God, you're in a ripe old age; but Olimpiada Samsonovna, of course, is a young lady whose like can't be found on earth. I'm speaking to you conscientiously, Samson Silych; that is, absolutely according to my feelings. If I'm exerting myself on your behalf now, and am putting in my whole strength, too, it may be said, grudging neither sweat nor blood—then it's mostly because I'm sorry for your family.

BOLSHOV. Come, really now?

PODKHALYUZIN. If you please, sir. Now, suppose all this ends well. Very good, sir. You'll have something left with which to establish Olimpiada Samsonovna.—Well, of that there's nothing to say; let there be money, and suitors'll be found, sir. Well, but what a sin, Lord save us! if they object, and begin to hound you through the courts; and such a stigma falls upon the family, and if, furthermore, they should take away the property. Sir, the ladies'd be obliged to endure hunger and cold, and without any care, like shelterless birdies. But Lord save them from that! What would happen then? [He weeps.

BOLSHOV. What are you crying about?

PODKHALYUZIN. Of course, Samson Silych, I merely say that just for instance—talk at the right time, keep still at the wrong time; words don't hurt. But you see, the Old Nick is powerful—he shakes the hills.

BOLSHOV. What's to be done, my boy? Evidently such is the will of God, and you can't oppose it.

PODKHALYUZIN. That's just it, Samson Silych! But all the same, according to my foolish way of reasoning, you should settle Olimpiada Samsonovna in good time upon a good man; and then she will be, at any rate, as if behind a stone wall, sir. But the chief thing is that the man should have a soul, so that he'll feel. As for that noble's courting Olimpiada Samsonovna—why he's turned tail already.

BOLSHOV. Turned tail how? What gave you that notion?

PODKHALYUZIN. It isn't a notion, Samson Silych. You ask Ustinya Naumovna. Must be some one who knows him heard something or other.

BOLSHOV. What of it! As my affairs are going now there's no need of such a person.

PODKHALYUZIN. Samson Silych, just take into consideration! I'm a stranger, and no relative of yours, but for the sake of your well-being I know no rest by day or by night, my very heart is all withered. But they're marrying to him the young lady who, it may be said, is an indescribable beauty; and they're giving money, sir; but he swaggers and carries it high! Well, is there any soul in him, after all that?

BOLSHOV. Well, if he don't want her he needn't have her, and we won't cry about it.

PODKHALYUZIN. No, Samson Silych, you just consider about that: has the man any soul? Here I am, a total stranger, yet I can't see all this without tears. Just understand that, Samson Silych! Nobody else would care enough about it to pine away because of another man's business, sir. But you see, even if you drive me out now, even if you beat me, still I won't leave you; because I cannot—I haven't that kind of a heart.

BOLSHOV. But how in the world could you think of leaving me? You see my only hope now is you. I'm old, and my affairs have gotten into a tight fix. Just wait! It may be we'll still swing some kind of a deal such as you're not expecting.

PODKHALYUZIN. Oh, I can't do that, Samson Silych. Just understand this much: I'm absolutely not that kind of a man! To anybody else, Samson Silych, of course it's all the same; he doesn't care whether the grass grows; but I can't do that way, sir. Kindly see yourself, sir, whether I'm hustling or not. I'm simply wasting away now like some poor devil, on account of your business, sir; because I'm not that kind of a man, sir. I'm doing all this because I feel sorry for you, and not for you so much as for your family. You ought to realize that Agrafena Kondratyevna is a very tender lady, Olimpiada Samsonovna a young lady whose like can't be found on earth, sir——

BOLSHOV. Not on earth? Look here, brother, aren't you hinting around a little?

PODKHALYUZIN. Hinting, sir? No, I didn't mean, sir!——

BOLSHOV. Aha! Brother, you'd better speak more openly. Are you in love with Olimpiada Samsonovna?

PODKHALYUZIN. Why, Samson Silych, must be you want to joke me.

BOLSHOV. Joke, fiddlesticks! I'm asking you seriously.

PODKHALYUZIN. Good heavens, Samson Silych, could I dare think of such a thing, sir?

BOLSHOV. Why shouldn't you dare? Is she a princess or something like that?

PODKHALYUZIN. Maybe she's no princess; but as you've been my benefactor and taken the place of my own father—But no, Samson Silych, how is it possible, sir, how can I help feeling it!

BOLSHOV. Well, then, I suppose you don't love her?

PODKHALYUZIN. How can I help loving her, sir? Good gracious, it seems as if I loved her more than anything on earth. But no, Samson Silych, how is it possible, sir!

BOLSHOV. You ought to have said: "I love her, you see, more than anything on earth."

PODKHALYUZIN. How can I help loving her, sir? Please consider yourself: all day, I think, and all night, I think—Oh, dear me, of course Olimpiada Samsonovna is a young lady whose like can't be found on earth—But no, that cannot be, sir. What chance have I, sir?

BOLSHOV. What cannot be, you poor soft-head?

PODKHALYUZIN. How can it be possible, Samson Silych? Knowing you, sir, as I do, like my own father, and Olimpiada Samsonovna, sir; and again, knowing myself for what I'm worth—what chance have I with my calico snout, sir?

BOLSHOV. Calico nothing. Your snout'll do! So long as you have brains in your head—and you don't have to borrow any; because God has endowed you in that way. Well, Lazar, suppose I try to make a match between you and Olimpiada Samsonovna, eh? That indescribable beauty, eh?

PODKHALYUZIN. Good gracious, would I dare? It may be that Olimpiada Samsonovna won't look kindly on me, sir!

BOLSHOV. Nonsense! I don't have to dance to her piping in my old age! She'll marry the man I tell her to. She's my child: if I want, I can eat her with my mush, or churn her into butter! You just talk to me about it!

PODKHALYUZIN. I don't dare, Samson Silych, talk about it with you, sir! I don't want to appear a scoundrel to you.

BOLSHOV. Get along with you, you foolish youngster! If I didn't love you, would I talk with you like this? Do you understand that I can make you happy for life? I can simply make your life for you.

PODKHALYUZIN. And don't I love you, Samson Silych, more than my own father? Damn it all!—what a brute I am.

BOLSHOV. Well, but you love my daughter?

PODKHALYUZIN. I've wasted away entirely, sir. My whole soul has turned over long since, sir!

BOLSHOV. Well, if your soul has turned over, we'll set you up again. Johnny's the boy for our Jenny!

PODKHALYUZIN. Daddy, why do you favor me? I'm not worth it. I'm not worth it! My poor face would positively crack a mirror.

BOLSHOV. What of your face! Here, I transfer all the property to you; so that afterwards the creditors will be sorry that they didn't take twenty-five kopeks on the ruble.

PODKHALYUZIN. You can bet they'll be sorry, sir!

BOLSHOV. Well, you get off to town now, and after a while come back to the girl; we'll play a little joke on 'em.

PODKHALYUZIN. Very good, daddy, sir! [They go out.



ACT III

Setting as in ACT I



SCENE I

BOLSHOV comes in and sits down in the armchair; for some time he looks into the corners and yawns.

BOLSHOV. Here's the life; it's well said: vanity of vanities, and all is vanity. The devil knows, I myself can't make out what I want. If I were to take a snack of something, I'd spoil my dinner, and if I sit still I'll go crazy. Perhaps I might kill a little time drinking tea. [Silence] Here's all there is to it; a man lives, and lives, and all at once he dies and he turns to dust. Oh, Lord, oh, Lord!

[He yawns and looks into the corners.



SCENE II

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA comes in with LIPOCHKA, who is very much dressed up.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Get along, get along, my darling; don't catch yourself on the sides of the doorway. Just look, Samson Silych, my dear lord and master, and admire how I've rigged up our daughter! Phew! go away! What a peony-rose she is now! [To her] Ah, you little angel, you princess, you little cherub, you! [To him] Well, Samson Silych, isn't it all right? Only she ought to ride in a six-horse carriage.

BOLSHOV. She'll go in a two-horse carriage—she's no highflying proprietress.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. To be sure, she's no general's daughter, but, all the same, she's a beauty! Well, pet the child a little; what are you growling like a bear for?

BOLSHOV. Well, how do you want me to pet her? Shall I lick her hands, or bow down to her feet? Fine circus, I must say! I've seen something more elegant than that.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. But what have you seen? No matter what; but this is your daughter, your own child, you man of stone!

BOLSHOV. What if she is my daughter? Thank God she has shoes, dresses, and is well fed—what more does she want?

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. What more! Look here, Samson Silych, have you gone out of your head? Well fed! What if she is well fed! According to the Christian law we should feed everybody; people look after strangers, to say nothing of their own folks. Why, it's a sin to say that, when people can hear you. Anyhow, she's your own child!

BOLSHOV. I know she's my own child—but what more does she want? What are you telling me all these yarns for? You don't have to put her in a picture-frame! I know I'm her father.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. Then, my dear, if you're her father, then don't act like a stepfather! It's high time, it seems to me, that you came to your senses. You'll soon have to part with her, and you don't grind out one kind word; you ought, for her good, to give her a bit of good advice. You haven't a single fatherly way about you!

BOLSHOV. No, and what a pity; must be God made me that way.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. God made you that way! What's the matter with you? It seems to me God made her, too, didn't he? She's not an animal, Lord forgive me for speaking so!—but ask her something!

BOLSHOV. What shall I ask her? A goose is no playmate for a pig; do what you please.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. We won't ask you when it comes to the point; meantime, say something. A man, a total stranger, is coming—no matter how much you try, a man is not a woman—he's coming for his first visit, when we've never seen him before.

BOLSHOV. I said, stop it!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. What a father you are! And yet you call yourself one! Ah, my poor abandoned little girl, you're just like a little orphan with drooping head! He turns away from you, and won't recognize you! Sit down, Lipochka; sit down, little soul, my charming little darling! [She makes her sit down.

LIPOCHKA. Oh, stop it, mamma! You've mussed me all up!

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. All right, then, I'll look at you from a distance.

LIPOCHKA. Look if you want to, only don't rave! Fudge, mamma, one can't dress up properly without your going off into a sentimental fit.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. So, so, my dear! But when I look at you, it seems such a pity.

LIPOCHKA. Why so? It had to come some time.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA. All the same, it's a pity, you little fool. We've been raising you all these years, and you've grown up—but now for no reason at all we're giving you over to strangers, as if we were tired of you, and as if you bored us by your foolish childishness, and by your sweet behavior. Here, we'll pack you out of the house, like an enemy from the town; then we'll come to, and look around, and you'll be gone forever. Consider, good people, what it'll be like, living in some strange, far-away place, choking on another's bread, and wiping away your tears with your fist! Yes, good God, she's marrying beneath her; some blockhead will be butting in—a blockhead, the son of a blockhead! [She weeps.