 |
After it was known that the
seven young Parrots, and the seven young Storks, and the seven young Geese, and the seven young Owls, and the seven young Guinea Pigs, and the seven young Cats, and the seven young Fishes,
were all dead, then the Frog, and the Plum-pudding Flea, and the Mouse, and the Clangle-Wangle, and the Blue Boss-Woss, all met together to rejoice over their good fortune. And they collected the seven feathers of the seven young Parrots, and the seven bills of the seven young Storks, and the lettuce, and the cherry; and having placed the latter on the lettuce, and the other objects in a circular arrangement at their base, they danced a hornpipe round all these memorials until they were quite tired; after which they gave a tea-party, and a garden-party, and a ball, and a concert, and then returned to their respective homes full of joy and respect, sympathy, satisfaction, and disgust.
CHAPTER XIII.
OF WHAT BECAME OF THE PARENTS OF THE FORTY-NINE CHILDREN.
BUT when the two old Parrots, and the two old Storks, and the two old Geese, and the two old Owls, and the two old Guinea Pigs, and the two old Cats, and the two old Fishes,
became aware, by reading in the newspapers, of the calamitous extinction of the whole of their families, they refused all further sustenance; and, sending out to various shops, they purchased great quantities of Cayenne pepper and brandy and vinegar and blue sealing-wax, besides seven immense glass bottles with air-tight stoppers. And, having done this, they ate a light supper of brown-bread and Jerusalem artichokes, and took an affecting and formal leave of the whole of their acquaintance, which was very numerous and distinguished and select and responsible and ridiculous.
CHAPTER XIV.
CONCLUSION.
And after this they filled the bottles with the ingredients for pickling, and each couple jumped into a separate bottle; by which effort, of course, they all died immediately, and became thoroughly pickled in a few minutes; having previously made their wills (by the assistance of the most eminent lawyers of the district), in which they left strict orders that the stoppers of the seven bottles should be carefully sealed up with the blue sealing-wax they had purchased; and that they themselves, in the bottles, should be presented to the principal museum of the city of Tosh, to be labelled with parchment or any other anti-congenial succedaneum, and to be placed on a marble table with silver-gilt legs, for the daily inspection and contemplation, and for the perpetual benefit, of the pusillanimous public.
And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble, and visit that museum in the city of Tosh, look for them on the ninety-eighth table in the four hundred and twenty-seventh room of the right-hand corridor of the left wing of the central quadrangle of that magnificent building; for, if you do not, you certainly will not see them.
* * * * *
NONSENSE COOKERY.
Extract from "The Nonsense Gazette," for August, 1870.
"Our readers will be interested in the following communications from our valued and learned contributor, Prof. Bosh, whose labors in the fields of culinary and botanical science are so well known to all the world. The first three articles richly merit to be added to the domestic cookery of every family: those which follow claim the attention of all botanists; and we are happy to be able, through Dr. Bosh's kindness, to present our readers with illustrations of his discoveries. All the new flowers are found in the Valley of Verrikwier, near the Lake of Oddgrow, and on the summit of the Hill Orfeltugg."
THREE RECEIPTS FOR DOMESTIC COOKERY.
TO MAKE AN AMBLONGUS PIE.
Take 4 pounds (say 4-1/2 pounds) of fresh Amblongusses, and put them in a small pipkin.
Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours incessantly; after which add 2 pints of new milk, and proceed to boil for 4 hours more.
When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are quite soft, take them out, and place them in a wide pan, taking care to shake them well previously.
Grate some nutmeg over the surface, and cover them carefully with powdered gingerbread, curry-powder, and a sufficient quantity of Cayenne pepper.
Remove the pan into the next room, and place it on the floor. Bring it back again, and let it simmer for three-quarters of an hour. Shake the pan violently till all the Amblongusses have become of a pale purple color.
Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole carefully; adding at the same time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 4 cauliflowers, and any number of oysters.
Watch patiently till the crust begins to rise, and add a pinch of salt from time to time.
Serve up in a clean dish, and throw the whole out of window as fast as possible.
TO MAKE CRUMBOBBLIOUS CUTLETS.
Procure some strips of beef, and, having cut them into the smallest possible slices, proceed to cut them still smaller,—eight, or perhaps nine times.
When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a new clothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with a salt-spoon or a soup-ladle.
Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny place,—say the roof of the house, if free from sparrows or other birds,—and leave it there for about a week.
At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of almonds, and a few herring-bones; and then cover the whole with 4 gallons of clarified Crumbobblious sauce, when it will be ready for use.
Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a clean table-cloth or dinner-napkin.
TO MAKE GOSKY PATTIES.
Take a pig three or four years of age, and tie him by the off hind-leg to a post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast chestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats these, constantly provide him with more.
Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires of foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste, and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen.
When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pig violently with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again.
Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertain if, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into Gosky Patties.
If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be let loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished.
* * * * *
NONSENSE BOTANY.
* * * * *
NONSENSE ALPHABETS.
A
A was an ant Who seldom stood still, And who made a nice house In the side of a hill.
a! Nice little ant!
B
B was a book With a binding of blue, And pictures and stories For me and for you.
b! Nice little book!
C
C was a cat Who ran after a rat; But his courage did fail When she seized on his tail.
c! Crafty old cat!
D
D was a duck With spots on his back, Who lived in the water, And always said "Quack!"
d! Dear little duck!
E
E was an elephant, Stately and wise: He had tusks and a trunk, And two queer little eyes.
e! Oh, what funny small eyes!
F
F was a fish Who was caught in a net; But he got out again, And is quite alive yet.
f! Lively young fish!
G
G was a goat Who was spotted with brown: When he did not lie still He walked up and down.
g! Good little goat!
H
H was a hat Which was all on one side; Its crown was too high, And its brim was too wide.
h! Oh, what a hat!
I
I was some ice So white and so nice, But which nobody tasted; And so it was wasted.
i! All that good ice!
J
J was a jackdaw Who hopped up and down In the principal street Of a neighboring town.
j! All through the town!
K
K was a kite Which flew out of sight, Above houses so high, Quite into the sky.
k Fly away, kite!
L
L was a light Which burned all the night, And lighted the gloom Of a very dark room.
l! Useful nice light!
M
M was a mill Which stood on a hill, And turned round and round With a loud hummy sound.
m! Useful old mill!
N
N was a net Which was thrown in the sea To catch fish for dinner For you and for me.
n! Nice little net!
O
O was an orange So yellow and round: When it fell off the tree, It fell down to the ground.
o! Down to the ground!
P
P was a pig, Who was not very big; But his tail was too curly, And that made him surly.
p! Cross little pig!
Q
Q was a quail With a very short tail; And he fed upon corn In the evening and morn.
q! Quaint little quail!
R
R was a rabbit, Who had a bad habit Of eating the flowers In gardens and bowers.
r! Naughty fat rabbit!
S
S was the sugar-tongs, Nippity-nee, To take up the sugar To put in our tea.
s! Nippity-nee!
T
T was a tortoise, All yellow and black: He walked slowly away, And he never came back.
t! Torty never came back!
U
U was an urn All polished and bright, And full of hot water At noon and at night.
u! Useful old urn!
V
V was a villa Which stood on a hill, By the side of a river, And close to a mill.
v! Nice little villa!
W
W was a whale With a very long tail, Whose movements were frantic Across the Atlantic.
w! Monstrous old whale!
X
X was King Xerxes, Who, more than all Turks, is Renowned for his fashion Of fury and passion.
x! Angry old Xerxes!
Y
Y was a yew, Which flourished and grew By a quiet abode Near the side of a road.
y! Dark little yew!
Z
Z was some zinc, So shiny and bright, Which caused you to wink In the sun's merry light.
z! Beautiful zinc!
A
a
A was once an apple-pie, Pidy, Widy, Tidy, Pidy, Nice insidy, Apple-pie!
B
b
B was once a little bear, Beary, Wary, Hairy, Beary, Taky cary, Little bear!
C
c
C was once a little cake, Caky, Baky, Maky, Caky, Taky caky, Little cake!
D
d
D was once a little doll, Dolly, Molly, Polly, Nolly, Nursy dolly, Little doll!
E
e
E was once a little eel, Eely, Weely, Peely, Eely, Twirly, tweely, Little eel!
F
f
F was once a little fish, Fishy, Wishy, Squishy, Fishy, In a dishy, Little fish!
G
g
G was once a little goose, Goosy, Moosy, Boosey, Goosey, Waddly-woosy, Little goose!
H
h
H was once a little hen, Henny, Chenny, Tenny, Henny. Eggsy-any, Little hen?
I
i
I was once a bottle of ink Inky, Dinky, Thinky, Inky, Blacky minky, Bottle of ink!
J
j
J was once a jar of jam, Jammy, Mammy, Clammy, Jammy, Sweety, swammy, Jar of jam!
K
k
K was once a little kite, Kity, Whity, Flighty, Kity, Out of sighty, Little kite!
L
l
L was once a little lark, Larky, Marky, Harky, Larky, In the parky, Little lark!
M
m
M was once a little mouse, Mousy, Bousy, Sousy, Mousy, In the housy, Little mouse!
N
n
N was once a little needle, Needly, Tweedly, Threedly, Needly, Wisky, wheedly, Little needle!
O
o
O was once a little owl, Owly, Prowly, Howly, Owly, Browny fowly, Little owl!
P
p
P was once a little pump, Pumpy, Slumpy, Flumpy, Pumpy, Dumpy, thumpy, Little pump!
Q
q
Q was once a little quail, Quaily, Faily, Daily, Quaily, Stumpy-taily, Little quail!
R
r
R was once a little rose, Rosy, Posy, Nosy, Rosy, Blows-y, grows-y, Little rose!
S
s
S was once a little shrimp, Shrimpy, Nimpy, Flimpy, Shrimpy. Jumpy, jimpy, Little shrimp!
T
t
T was once a little thrush, Thrushy, Hushy, Bushy, Thrushy, Flitty, flushy, Little thrush!
U
u
U was once a little urn, Urny, Burny, Turny, Urny, Bubbly, burny, Little urn!
V
v
V was once a little vine, Viny, Winy, Twiny, Viny, Twisty-twiny, Little vine!
W
w
W was once a whale, Whaly, Scaly, Shaly, Whaly, Tumbly-taily, Mighty whale!
X
x
X was once a great king Xerxes, Xerxy, Perxy, Turxy, Xerxy, Linxy, lurxy, Great King Xerxes!
Y
y
Y was once a little yew, Yewdy, Fewdy, Crudy, Yewdy, Growdy, grewdy, Little yew!
Z
z
Z was once a piece of zinc, Tinky, Winky, Blinky, Tinky, Tinkly minky, Piece of zinc!
A
A was an ape, Who stole some white tape, And tied up his toes In four beautiful bows.
a!
Funny old ape!
B
B was a bat, Who slept all the day, And fluttered about When the sun went away.
b!
Brown little bat!
C
C was a camel: You rode on his hump; And if you fell off, You came down such a bump!
c!
What a high camel!
D
D was a dove, Who lived in a wood, With such pretty soft wings, And so gentle and good!
d!
Dear little dove!
E
E was an eagle, Who sat on the rocks, And looked down on the fields And the-far-away flocks.
e!
Beautiful eagle!
F
F was a fan Made of beautiful stuff; And when it was used, It went puffy-puff-puff!
f!
Nice little fan!
G
G was a gooseberry, Perfectly red; To be made into jam, And eaten with bread.
g!
Gooseberry red!
H
H was a heron, Who stood in a stream: The length of his neck And his legs was extreme.
h!
Long-legged heron!
I
I was an inkstand, Which stood on a table, With a nice pen to write with When we are able.
i!
Neat little inkstand!
J
J was a jug, So pretty and white, With fresh water in it At morning and night.
j!
Nice little jug!
K
K was a kingfisher: Quickly he flew, So bright and so pretty!— Green, purple, and blue.
k!
Kingfisher blue!
L
L was a lily, So white and so sweet! To see it and smell it Was quite a nice treat.
l!
Beautiful lily!
M
M was a man, Who walked round and round; And he wore a long coat That came down to the ground.
m!
Funny old man!
N
N was a nut So smooth and so brown! And when it was ripe, It fell tumble-dum-down.
n!
Nice little nut!
O
O was an oyster, Who lived in his shell: If you let him alone, He felt perfectly well.
o!
Open-mouthed oyster!
P
P was a polly, All red, blue, and green,— The most beautiful polly That ever was seen.
p!
Poor little polly!
Q
Q was a quill Made into a pen; But I do not know where, And I cannot say when.
q!
Nice little quill!
R
R was a rattlesnake, Rolled up so tight, Those who saw him ran quickly, For fear he should bite.
r!
Rattlesnake bite!
S
S was a screw To screw down a box; And then it was fastened Without any locks.
s!
Valuable screw!
T
T was a thimble, Of silver so bright! When placed on the finger, It fitted so tight!
t!
Nice little thimble!
U
U was an upper-coat, Woolly and warm, To wear over all In the snow or the storm.
u!
What a nice upper-coat!
V
V was a veil With a border upon it, And a ribbon to tie it All round a pink bonnet.
v!
Pretty green veil!
W
W was a watch, Where, in letters of gold, The hour of the day You might always behold.
w!
Beautiful watch!
X
X was King Xerxes, Who wore on his head A mighty large turban, Green, yellow, and red.
x!
Look at King Xerxes!
Y
Y was a yak, From the land of Thibet: Except his white tail, He was all black as jet.
y!
Look at the yak!
Z
Z was a zebra, All striped white and black; And if he were tame, You might ride on his back.
z!
Pretty striped zebra!
* * * * *
MORE NONSENSE
Pictures, Rhymes, Botany, etc.
by
EDWARD LEAR
CONTENTS.
NONSENSE BOTANY
ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES
TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES
INTRODUCTION.
In offering this little book—the third of its kind—to the public, I am glad to take the opportunity of recording the pleasure I have received at the appreciation its predecessors have met with, as attested by their wide circulation, and by the universally kind notices of them from the Press. To have been the means of administering innocent mirth to thousands, may surely be a just motive for satisfaction, and an excuse for grateful expression.
At the same time, I am desirous of adding a few words as to the history of the two previously published volumes, and more particularly of the first or original "Book of Nonsense," relating to which many absurd reports have crept into circulation, such as that it was the composition of the late Lord Brougham, the late Earl of Derby, etc.; that the rhymes and pictures are by different persons; or that the whole have a symbolical meaning, etc.; whereas, every one of the Rhymes was composed by myself, and every one of the Illustrations drawn by my own hand at the time the verses were made. Moreover, in no portion of these Nonsense drawings have I ever allowed any caricature of private or public persons to appear, and throughout, more care than might be supposed has been given to make the subjects incapable of misinterpretation: "Nonsense," pure and absolute, having been my aim throughout.
As for the persistently absurd report of the late Earl of Derby being the author of the "First Book of Nonsense," I may relate an incident which occurred to me four summers ago, the first that gave me any insight into the origin of the rumor.
I was on my way from London to Guildford, in a railway carriage, containing, besides myself, one passenger, an elderly gentleman: presently, however, two ladies entered, accompanied by two little boys. These, who had just had a copy of the "Book of Nonsense" given them, were loud in their delight, and by degrees infected the whole party with their mirth.
"How grateful," said the old gentleman to the two ladies, "all children, and parents too, ought to be to the statesman who has given his time to composing that charming book!"
(The ladies looked puzzled, as indeed was I, the author.)
"Do you not know who is the writer of it?" asked the gentleman.
"The name is 'Edward Lear,'" said one of the ladies.
"Ah!" said the first speaker, "so it is printed; but that is only a whim of the real author, the Earl of Derby. 'Edward' is his Christian name, and, as you may see, LEAR is only EARL transposed."
"But," said the lady, doubtingly, "here is a dedication to the great-grandchildren, grand-nephews, and grand-nieces of Edward, thirteenth Earl of Derby, by the author, Edward Lear."
"That," replied the other, "is simply a piece of mystification; I am in a position to know that the whole book was composed and illustrated by Lord Derby himself. In fact, there is no such a person at all as Edward Lear."
"Yet," said the other lady, "some friends of mine tell me they know Mr. Lear."
"Quite a mistake! completely a mistake!" said the old gentleman, becoming rather angry at the contradiction; "I am well aware of what I am saying: I can inform you, no such a person as 'Edward Lear' exists!"
Hitherto I had kept silence; but as my hat was, as well as my handkerchief and stick, largely marked inside with my name, and as I happened to have in my pocket several letters addressed to me, the temptation was too great to resist; so, flashing all these articles at once on my would-be extinguisher's attention, I speedily reduced him to silence.
The second volume of Nonsense, commencing with the verses, "The Owl and the Pussy-Cat," was written at different times, and for different sets of children: the whole being collected in the course of last year, were then illustrated, and published in a single volume, by Mr. R.J. Bush, of 32 Charing Cross.
The contents of the third or present volume were made also at different intervals in the last two years.
Long years ago, in days when much of my time was passed in a country house, where children and mirth abounded, the lines beginning, "There was an old man of Tobago," were suggested to me by a valued friend, as a form of verse lending itself to limitless variety for rhymes and pictures; and thenceforth the greater part of the original drawings and verses for the first "Book of Nonsense" were struck off with a pen, no assistance ever having been given me in any way but that of uproarious delight and welcome at the appearance of every new absurdity.
Most of these Drawings and Rhymes were transferred to lithographic stones in the year 1846, and were then first published by Mr. Thomas McLean, of the Haymarket. But that edition having been soon exhausted, and the call for the "Book of Nonsense" continuing, I added a considerable number of subjects to those previously-published, and having caused the whole to be carefully reproduced in woodcuts by Messrs. Dalzell, I disposed of the copyright to Messrs. Routledge and Warne, by whom the volume was published in 1843. EDWARD LEAR.
VILLA EMILY, SAN REMO, August, 1871.
* * * * *
NONSENSE BOTANY.
* * * * *
ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES.
There was a young person of Bantry, Who frequently slept in the pantry; When disturbed by the mice, she appeased them with rice, That judicious young person of Bantry.
There was an Old Man at a Junction, Whose feelings were wrung with compunction When they said, "The Train's gone!" he exclaimed, "How forlorn!" But remained on the rails of the Junction.
There was an old person of Minety, Who purchased five hundred and ninety Large apples and pears, which he threw unawares At the heads of the people of Minety.
There was an old man of Thermopylae, Who never did anything properly; But they said, "If you choose to boil eggs in your shoes, You shall never remain in Thermopylae."
There was an old person of Deal, Who in walking used only his heel; When they said, "Tell us why?" he made no reply, That mysterious old person of Deal.
There was an old man on the Humber, Who dined on a cake of Burnt Umber; When he said, "It's enough!" they only said, "Stuff! You amazing old man on the Humber!"
There was an old man in a barge, Whose nose was exceedingly large; But in fishing by night, it supported a light, Which helped that old man in a barge.
There was an old man of Dunrose; A parrot seized hold of his nose. When he grew melancholy, they said, "His name's Polly," Which soothed that old man of Dunrose.
There was an old man of Toulouse Who purchased a new pair of shoes; When they asked, "Are they pleasant?" he said, "Not at present!" That turbid old man of Toulouse.
There was an old person of Bree, Who frequented the depths of the sea; She nurs'd the small fishes, and washed all the dishes, And swam back again into Bree.
There was an old person of Bromley, Whose ways were not cheerful or comely; He sate in the dust, eating spiders and crust, That unpleasing old person of Bromley.
There was an old person of Shields, Who frequented the vallies and fields; All the mice and the cats, and the snakes and the rats, Followed after that person of Shields.
There was an old man of Dunluce, Who went out to sea on a goose: When he'd gone out a mile, he observ'd with a smile, "It is time to return to Dunluce."
There was an old man of Dee-side Whose hat was exceedingly wide, But he said, "Do not fail, if it happen to hail, To come under my hat at Dee-side!"
There was an old person in black, A Grasshopper jumped on his back; When it chirped in his ear, he was smitten with fear, That helpless old person in black.
There was an old man of the Dargle Who purchased six barrels of Gargle; For he said, "I'll sit still, and will roll them down hill, For the fish in the depths of the Dargle."
There was an old person of Pinner, As thin as a lath, if not thinner; They dressed him in white, and roll'd him up tight, That elastic old person of Pinner.
There was an old person of China, Whose daughters were Jiska and Dinah, Amelia and Fluffy, Olivia and Chuffy, And all of them settled in China.
There was an old man in a Marsh, Whose manners were futile and harsh; He sate on a log, and sang songs to a frog, That instructive old man in a Marsh.
There was an old person of Brill, Who purchased a shirt with a frill; But they said, "Don't you wish, you mayn't look like a fish, You obsequious old person of Brill?"
There was an old person of Wick, Who said, "Tick-a-Tick, Tick-a-Tick; Chickabee, Chickabaw." And he said nothing more, That laconic old person of Wick.
There was an old man at a Station, Who made a promiscuous oration; But they said, "Take some snuff!—You have talk'd quite enough, You afflicting old man at a Station!"
There was an old man of Three Bridges, Whose mind was distracted by midges, He sate on a wheel, eating underdone veal, Which relieved that old man of Three Bridges.
There was an old man of Hong Kong, Who never did anything wrong; He lay on his back, with his head in a sack, That innocuous old man of Hong Kong.
There was a young person in green, Who seldom was fit to be seen; She wore a long shawl, over bonnet and all, Which enveloped that person in green.
There was an old person of Fife, Who was greatly disgusted with life; They sang him a ballad, and fed him on salad, Which cured that old person of Fife.
There was an old man who screamed out Whenever they knocked him about: So they took off his boots, and fed him with fruits, And continued to knock him about.
There was a young lady in white, Who looked out at the depths of the night; But the birds of the air, filled her heart with despair, And oppressed that young lady in white.
There was an old person of Slough, Who danced at the end of a bough; But they said, "If you sneeze, you might damage the trees, You imprudent old person of Slough."
There was an old person of Down, Whose face was adorned with a frown; When he opened the door, for one minute or more, He alarmed all the people of Down.
There was a young person in red, Who carefully covered her head, With a bonnet of leather, and three lines of feather, Besides some long ribands of red.
There was an old person of Hove, Who frequented the depths of a grove; Where he studied his books, with the wrens and the rooks, That tranquil old person of Hove.
There was a young person in pink, Who called out for something to drink; But they said, "O my daughter, there's nothing but water!" Which vexed that young person in pink.
There was an old lady of France, Who taught little ducklings to dance; When she said, "Tick-a-tack!" they only said, "Quack!" Which grieved that old lady of France.
There was an old person of Putney, Whose food was roast spiders and chutney, Which he took with his tea, within sight of the sea, That romantic old person of Putney.
There was an old person of Loo, Who said, "What on earth shall I do?" When they said, "Go away!" she continued to stay, That vexatious old person of Loo.
There was an old person of Woking, Whose mind was perverse and provoking; He sate on a rail, with his head in a pail, That illusive old person of Woking.
There was an old person of Dean Who dined on one pea, and one bean; For he said, "More than that, would make me too fat," That cautious old person of Dean.
There was a young lady in blue, Who said, "Is it you? Is it you?" When they said, "Yes, it is," she replied only, "Whizz!" That ungracious young lady in blue.
There was an old Man in a Garden, Who always begged every one's pardon; When they asked him, "What for?" he replied, "You're a bore! And I trust you'll go out of my garden."
There was an old person of Pisa, Whose daughters did nothing to please her; She dressed them in gray, and banged them all day, Round the walls of the city of Pisa.
There was an old person of Florence, Who held mutton chops in abhorrence; He purchased a Bustard, and fried him in Mustard, Which choked that old person of Florence.
There was an old person of Sheen, Whose expression was calm and serene; He sate in the water, and drank bottled porter, That placid old person of Sheen.
There was an old person of Ware, Who rode on the back of a bear; When they ask'd, "Does it trot?" he said, "Certainly not! He's a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear!"
There was a young person of Janina, Whose uncle was always a fanning her; When he fanned off her head, she smiled sweetly, and said, "You propitious old person of Janina!"
There was an old man of Cashmere, Whose movements were scroobious and queer; Being slender and tall, he looked over a wall, And perceived two fat ducks of Cashmere.
There was an old person of Cassel, Whose nose finished off in a tassel; But they call'd out, "Oh well! don't it look like a bell!" Which perplexed that old person of Cassel.
There was an old person of Pett, Who was partly consumed by regret; He sate in a cart, and ate cold apple tart, Which relieved that old person of Pett.
There was an old man of Spithead, Who opened the window, and said,— "Fil-jomble, fil-jumble, fil-rumble-come-tumble!" That doubtful old man of Spithead.
There was an old man on the Border, Who lived in the utmost disorder; He danced with the cat, and made tea in his hat, Which vexed all the folks on the Border.
There was an old man of Dumbree, Who taught little owls to drink tea; For he said, "To eat mice is not proper or nice," That amiable man of Dumbree.
There was an old person of Filey, Of whom his acquaintance spoke highly; He danced perfectly well, to the sound of a bell, And delighted the people of Filey.
There was an old man whose remorse Induced him to drink Caper Sauce; For they said, "If mixed up with some cold claret-cup, It will certainly soothe your remorse!"
There was an old man of Ibreem, Who suddenly threaten'd to scream; But they said, "If you do, we will thump you quite blue, You disgusting old man of Ibreem!"
There was an old person of Wilts, Who constantly walked upon stilts; He wreathed them with lilies and daffy-down-dillies, That elegant person of Wilts.
There was an old person of Grange, Whose manners were scroobious and strange; He sailed to St. Blubb in a waterproof tub, That aquatic old person of Grange.
There was an old person of Newry, Whose manners were tinctured with fury; He tore all the rugs, and broke all the jugs, Within twenty miles' distance of Newry.
There was an old man of Dumblane, Who greatly resembled a crane; But they said, "Is it wrong, since your legs are so long, To request you won't stay in Dumblane?"
There was an old man of Port Grigor, Whose actions were noted for vigour; He stood on his head till his waistcoat turned red, That eclectic old man of Port Grigor.
There was an old man of El Hums, Who lived upon nothing but crumbs, Which he picked off the ground, with the other birds round, In the roads and the lanes of El Hums.
There was an old man of West Dumpet, Who possessed a large nose like a trumpet; When he blew it aloud, it astonished the crowd, And was heard through the whole of West Dumpet.
There was an old person of Sark, Who made an unpleasant remark; But they said, "Don't you see what a brute you must be, You obnoxious old person of Sark!"
There was an old man whose despair Induced him to purchase a hare: Whereon one fine day he rode wholly away, Which partly assuaged his despair.
There was an old person of Barnes, Whose garments were covered with darns; But they said, "Without doubt, you will soon wear them out, You luminous person of Barnes!"
There was an old person of Nice, Whose associates were usually Geese. They walked out together in all sorts of weather, That affable person of Nice!
There was a young lady of Greenwich, Whose garments were border'd with Spinach; But a large spotty Calf bit her shawl quite in half, Which alarmed that young lady of Greenwich.
There was an old person of Cannes, Who purchased three fowls and a fan; Those she placed on a stool, and to make them feel cool She constantly fanned them at Cannes.
There was an old person of Ickley, Who could not abide to ride quickly; He rode to Karnak on a tortoise's back, That moony old person of Ickley.
There was an old person of Hyde, Who walked by the shore with his bride, Till a Crab who came near fill'd their bosoms with fear, And they said, "Would we'd never left Hyde!"
There was an old person in gray, Whose feelings were tinged with dismay; She purchased two parrots, and fed them with carrots, Which pleased that old person in gray.
There was an old man of Ancona, Who found a small dog with no owner, Which he took up and down all the streets of the town, That anxious old man of Ancona.
There was an old person of Sestri, Who sate himself down in the vestry; When they said, "You are wrong!" he merely said "Bong!" That repulsive old person of Sestri.
There was an old person of Blythe, Who cut up his meat with a scythe; When they said, "Well! I never!" he cried, "Scythes for ever!" That lively old person of Blythe.
There was a young person of Ayr, Whose head was remarkably square: On the top, in fine weather, she wore a gold feather; Which dazzled the people of Ayr.
There was an old person of Rimini, Who said, "Gracious! Goodness! O Gimini!" When they said, "Please be still!" she ran down a hill, And was never more heard of at Rimini.
There is a young lady, whose nose, Continually prospers and grows; When it grew out of sight, she exclaimed in a fright, "Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
There was an old person of Ealing, Who was wholly devoid of good feeling; He drove a small gig, with three Owls and a Pig, Which distressed all the people of Ealing.
There was an old man of Thames Ditton, Who called out for something to sit on; But they brought him a hat, and said, "Sit upon that, You abruptious old man of Thames Ditton!"
There was an old person of Bray, Who sang through the whole of the day To his ducks and his pigs, whom he fed upon figs, That valuable person of Bray.
There was a young person whose history Was always considered a mystery; She sate in a ditch, although no one knew which, And composed a small treatise on history.
There was an old person of Bow, Whom nobody happened to know; So they gave him some soap, and said coldly, "We hope You will go back directly to Bow!"
There was an old person of Rye, Who went up to town on a fly; But they said, "If you cough, you are safe to fall off! You abstemious old person of Rye!"
There was an old person of Crowle, Who lived in the nest of an owl; When they screamed in the nest, he screamed out with the rest, That depressing old person of Crowle.
There was an old Lady of Winchelsea, Who said, "If you needle or pin shall see On the floor of my room, sweep it up with the broom!" That exhaustive old Lady of Winchelsea!
There was an old man in a tree, Whose whiskers were lovely to see; But the birds of the air pluck'd them perfectly bare, To make themselves nests in that tree.
There was a young lady of Corsica, Who purchased a little brown saucy-cur; Which she fed upon ham, and hot raspberry jam, That expensive young lady of Corsica.
There was a young lady of Firle, Whose hair was addicted to curl; It curled up a tree, and all over the sea, That expansive young lady of Firle.
There was an old person of Stroud, Who was horribly jammed in a crowd; Some she slew with a kick, some she scrunched with a stick, That impulsive old person of Stroud.
There was an old man of Boulak, Who sate on a Crocodile's back; But they said, "Towr'ds the night he may probably bite, Which might vex you, old man of Boulak!"
There was an old person of Skye, Who waltz'd with a Bluebottle fly: They buzz'd a sweet tune, to the light of the moon, And entranced all the people of Skye.
There was an old man of Blackheath, Whose head was adorned with a wreath Of lobsters and spice, pickled onions and mice, That uncommon old man of Blackheath.
There was an old man, who when little Fell casually into a kettle; But, growing too stout, he could never get out, So he passed all his life in that kettle.
There was an old person of Dundalk, Who tried to teach fishes to walk; When they tumbled down dead, he grew weary, and said, "I had better go back to Dundalk!"
There was an old person of Shoreham, Whose habits were marked by decorum; He bought an Umbrella, and sate in the cellar, Which pleased all the people of Shoreham.
There was an old person of Bar, Who passed all her life in a jar, Which she painted pea-green, to appear more serene, That placid old person of Bar.
There was a young person of Kew, Whose virtues and vices were few; But with blamable haste she devoured some hot paste, Which destroyed that young person of Kew.
There was an old person of Jodd, Whose ways were perplexing and odd; She purchased a whistle, and sate on a thistle, And squeaked to the people of Jodd.
There was an old person of Bude, Whose deportment was vicious and crude; He wore a large ruff of pale straw-colored stuff, Which perplexed all the people of Bude.
There was an old person of Brigg, Who purchased no end of a wig; So that only his nose, and the end of his toes, Could be seen when he walked about Brigg.
There was an old man of Messina, Whose daughter was named Opsibeena; She wore a small wig, and rode out on a pig, To the perfect delight of Messina.
TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES.
The Absolutely Abstemious Ass, who resided in a Barrel, and only lived on Soda Water and Pickled Cucumbers.
The Bountiful Beetle, who always carried a Green Umbrella when it didn't rain, and left it at home when it did.
The Comfortable Confidential Cow, who sate in her Red Morocco Arm Chair and toasted her own Bread at the parlour Fire.
The Dolomphious Duck, who caught Spotted Frogs for her dinner with a Runcible Spoon.
The Enthusiastic Elephant, who ferried himself across the water with the Kitchen Poker and a New pair of Ear-rings.
The Fizzgiggious Fish, who always walked about upon Stilts, because he had no legs.
The Good-natured Grey Gull, who carried the Old Owl, and his Crimson Carpet-bag, across the river, because he could not swim.
The Hasty Higgeldipiggledy Hen, who went to market in a Blue Bonnet and Shawl, and bought a Fish for her Supper.
The Inventive Indian, who caught a Remarkable Rabbit in a Stupendous Silver Spoon.
The Judicious Jubilant Jay, who did up her Back Hair every morning with a Wreath of Roses, Three feathers, and a Gold Pin.
The Kicking Kangaroo, who wore a Pale Pink Muslin dress with Blue spots.
The Lively Learned Lobster, who mended his own Clothes with a Needle and Thread.
The Melodious Meritorious Mouse, who played a merry minuet on the Piano-forte.
The Nutritious Newt, who purchased a Round Plum-pudding for his grand-daughter.
The Obsequious Ornamental Ostrich, who wore Boots to keep his feet quite dry.
The Perpendicular Purple Polly, who read the Newspaper and ate Parsnip Pie with his Spectacles.
The Queer Querulous Quail, who smoked a Pipe of tobacco on the top of a Tin Tea-kettle.
The Rural Runcible Raven, who wore a White Wig and flew away with the Carpet Broom.
The Scroobious Snake, who always wore a Hat on his Head, for fear he should bite anybody.
The Tumultuous Tom-tommy Tortoise, who beat a Drum all day long in the middle of the wilderness.
The Umbrageous Umbrella-maker, whose Face nobody ever saw, because it was always covered by his Umbrella.
The Visibly Vicious Vulture, who wrote some Verses to a Veal-cutlet in a Volume bound in Vellum.
The Worrying Whizzing Wasp, who stood on a Table, and played sweetly on a Flute with a Morning Cap.
The Excellent Double-extra XX imbibing King Xerxes, who lived a long while ago.
The Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, whose Head was ever so much bigger than his Body, and whose Hat was rather small.
The Zigzag Zealous Zebra, who carried five Monkeys on his back all the way to Jellibolee.
* * * * *
LAUGHABLE LYRICS
A Fourth Book of Nonsense Poems, Songs, Botany, Music, etc.
by
EDWARD LEAR
Author of the Book of Nonsense, More Nonsense, Nonsense Songs, Stories, etc., etc.
With All the Original Illustrations.
CONTENTS
LAUGHABLE LYRICS. THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE THE TWO OLD BACHELORS THE PELICAN CHORUS THE YONGHY-BONGHY-Bo THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES THE NEW VESTMENTS MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS THE QUANGLE WANGLE'S HAT THE CUMMERBUND THE AKOND OF SWAT
NONSENSE BOTANY
" ALPHABET, No. 5 " " No. 6
* * * * *
LAUGHABLE LYRICS.
THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE.
When awful darkness and silence reign Over the great Gromboolian plain, Through the long, long wintry nights; When the angry breakers roar As they beat on the rocky shore; When Storm-clouds brood on the towering heights Of the Hills of the Chankly Bore,—
Then, through the vast and gloomy dark There moves what seems a fiery spark,— A lonely spark with silvery rays Piercing the coal-black night,— A Meteor strange and bright: Hither and thither the vision strays, A single lurid light.
Slowly it wanders, pauses, creeps,— Anon it sparkles, flashes, and leaps; And ever as onward it gleaming goes A light on the Bong-tree stems it throws. And those who watch at that midnight hour From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, Cry, as the wild light passes along,— "The Dong! the Dong! The wandering Dong through the forest goes! The Dong! the Dong! The Dong with a luminous Nose!"
Long years ago The Dong was happy and gay, Till he fell in love with a Jumbly Girl Who came to those shores one day. For the Jumblies came in a sieve, they did,— Landing at eve near the Zemmery Fidd Where the Oblong Oysters grow, And the rocks are smooth and gray. And all the woods and the valleys rang With the Chorus they daily and nightly sang,— "Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a sieve."
Happily, happily passed those days! While the cheerful Jumblies staid; They danced in circlets all night long, To the plaintive pipe of the lively Dong, In moonlight, shine, or shade. For day and night he was always there By the side of the Jumbly Girl so fair, With her sky-blue hands and her sea-green hair; Till the morning came of that hateful day When the Jumblies sailed in their sieve away, And the Dong was left on the cruel shore Gazing, gazing for evermore,— Ever keeping his weary eyes on That pea-green sail on the far horizon,— Singing the Jumbly Chorus still As he sate all day on the grassy hill,— "Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a sieve."
But when the sun was low in the West, The Dong arose and said,— "What little sense I once possessed Has quite gone out of my head!" And since that day he wanders still By lake and forest, marsh and hill, Singing, "O somewhere, in valley or plain, Might I find my Jumbly Girl again! For ever I'll seek by lake and shore Till I find my Jumbly Girl once more!"
Playing a pipe with silvery squeaks, Since then his Jumbly Girl he seeks; And because by night he could not see, He gathered the bark of the Twangum Tree On the flowery plain that grows. And he wove him a wondrous Nose,— A Nose as strange as a Nose could be!
Of vast proportions and painted red, And tied with cords to the back of his head. In a hollow rounded space it ended With a luminous Lamp within suspended, All fenced about With a bandage stout To prevent the wind from blowing it out; And with holes all round to send the light In gleaming rays on the dismal night
And now each night, and all night long, Over those plains still roams the Dong; And above the wail of the Chimp and Snipe You may hear the squeak of his plaintive pipe, While ever he seeks, but seeks in vain, To meet with his Jumbly Girl again; Lonely and wild, all night he goes,— The Dong with a luminous Nose! And all who watch at the midnight hour, From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, Cry, as they trace the Meteor bright, Moving along through the dreary night,— "This is the hour when forth he goes, The Dong with a luminous Nose! Yonder, over the plain he goes,— He goes! He goes,— The Dong with a luminous Nose!"
THE TWO OLD BACHELORS.
Two old Bachelors were living in one house; One caught a Muffin, the other caught a Mouse. Said he who caught the Muffin to him who caught the Mouse,— "This happens just in time! For we've nothing in the house, Save a tiny slice of lemon and a teaspoonful of honey, And what to do for dinner—since we haven't any money? And what can we expect if we haven't any dinner, But to lose our teeth and eyelashes and keep on growing thinner?"
Said he who caught the Mouse to him who caught the Muffin,— "We might cook this little Mouse, if we only had some Stuffin'! If we had but Sage and Onion we could do extremely well; But how to get that Stuffin' it is difficult to tell!"
Those two old Bachelors ran quickly to the town And asked for Sage and Onion as they wandered up and down; They borrowed two large Onions, but no Sage was to be found In the Shops, or in the Market, or in all the Gardens round.
But some one said, "A hill there is, a little to the north, And to its purpledicular top a narrow way leads forth; And there among the rugged rocks abides an ancient Sage,— An earnest Man, who reads all day a most perplexing page. Climb up, and seize him by the toes,—all studious as he sits,— And pull him down, and chop him into endless little bits! Then mix him with your Onion (cut up likewise into Scraps),— When your Stuffin' will be ready, and very good—perhaps."
Those two old Bachelors without loss of time The nearly purpledicular crags at once began to climb; And at the top, among the rocks, all seated in a nook, They saw that Sage a-reading of a most enormous book.
"You earnest Sage!" aloud they cried, "your book you've read enough in! We wish to chop you into bits to mix you into Stuffin'!"
But that old Sage looked calmly up, and with his awful book, At those two Bachelors' bald heads a certain aim he took; And over Crag and precipice they rolled promiscuous down,— At once they rolled, and never stopped in lane or field or town; And when they reached their house, they found (besides their want of Stuffin'), The Mouse had fled—and, previously, had eaten up the Muffin.
They left their home in silence by the once convivial door; And from that hour those Bachelors were never heard of more.
THE PELICAN CHORUS.
King and Queen of the Pelicans we; No other Birds so grand we see! None but we have feet like fins! With lovely leathery throats and chins! Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican Jill! We think so then, and we thought so still
We live on the Nile. The Nile we love. By night we sleep on the cliffs above; By day we fish, and at eve we stand On long bare islands of yellow sand. And when the sun sinks slowly down, And the great rock walls grow dark and brown,
Where the purple river rolls fast and dim And the Ivory Ibis starlike skim, Wing to wing we dance around, Stamping our feet with a flumpy sound, Opening our mouths as Pelicans ought; And this is the song we nightly snort,— Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still!
Last year came out our Daughter Dell, And all the Birds received her well. To do her honor a feast we made For every bird that can swim or wade,— Herons and Gulls, and Cormorants black, Cranes, and Flamingoes with scarlet back, Plovers and Storks, and Geese in clouds, Swans and Dilberry Ducks in crowds: Thousands of Birds in wondrous flight! They ate and drank and danced all night, And echoing back from the rocks you heard Multitude-echoes from Bird and Bird,— Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still!
Yes, they came; and among the rest The King of the Cranes all grandly dressed. Such a lovely tail! Its feathers float Between the ends of his blue dress-coat; With pea-green trowsers all so neat, And a delicate frill to hide his feet (For though no one speaks of it, every one knows He has got no webs between his toes).
As soon as he saw our Daughter Dell, In violent love that Crane King fell,— On seeing her waddling form so fair, With a wreath of shrimps in her short white hair. And before the end of the next long day Our Dell had given her heart away; For the King of the Cranes had won that heart With a Crocodile's egg and a large fish-tart. She vowed to marry the King of the Cranes, Leaving the Nile for stranger plains; And away they flew in a gathering crowd Of endless birds in a lengthening cloud. Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still!
And far away in the twilight sky We heard them singing a lessening cry,— Farther and farther, till out of sight, And we stood alone in the silent night! Often since, in the nights of June, We sit on the sand and watch the moon,—
She has gone to the great Gromboolian Plain, And we probably never shall meet again! Oft, in the long still nights of June, We sit on the rocks and watch the moon,— She dwells by the streams of the Chankly Bore. And we probably never shall see her more. Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still!
[NOTE.—The Air of this and the following Song by Edward Lear; the Arrangement for the Piano by Professor Pome, of San Remo, Italy.]
THE COURTSHIP OF THE YONGHY-BONGHY-BO.
I.
On the Coast of Coromandel Where the early pumpkins blow, In the middle of the woods Lived the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. Two old chairs, and half a candle, One old jug without a handle,— These were all his worldly goods: In the middle of the woods, These were all the worldly goods Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, Of the Yonghy-Bonghy Bo.
II.
Once, among the Bong-trees walking Where the early pumpkins blow, To a little heap of stones Came the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. There he heard a Lady talking, To some milk-white Hens of Dorking,— "'Tis the Lady Jingly Jones! On that little heap of stones Sits the Lady Jingly Jones!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.
III.
"Lady Jingly! Lady Jingly! Sitting where the pumpkins blow, Will you come and be my wife?" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. "I am tired of living singly— On this coast so wild and shingly,— I'm a-weary of my life; If you'll come and be my wife, Quite serene would be my life!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.
IV.
"On this Coast of Coromandel Shrimps and watercresses grow, Prawns are plentiful and cheap," Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. "You shall have my chairs and candle, And my jug without a handle! Gaze upon the rolling deep (Fish is plentiful and cheap); As the sea, my love is deep!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.
V.
Lady Jingly answered sadly, And her tears began to flow,— "Your proposal comes too late, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! I would be your wife most gladly!" (Here she twirled her fingers madly,) "But in England I've a mate! Yes! you've asked me far too late, For in England I've a mate, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo!
VI.
"Mr. Jones (his name is Handel,— Handel Jones, Esquire, & Co.) Dorking fowls delights to send, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! Keep, oh, keep your chairs and candle, And your jug without a handle,— I can merely be your friend! Should my Jones more Dorkings send, I will give you three, my friend! Mr. Yonghy-Bongy-Bo! Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo!
VII.
"Though you've such a tiny body, And your head so large doth grow,— Though your hat may blow away, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! Though you're such a Hoddy Doddy, Yet I wish that I could modi- fy the words I needs must say! Will you please to go away? That is all I have to say, Mr. Yongby-Bonghy-Bo! Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo!"
VIII.
Down the slippery slopes of Myrtle, Where the early pumpkins blow, To the calm and silent sea Fled the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. There, beyond the Bay of Gurtle, Lay a large and lively Turtle. "You're the Cove," he said, "for me; On your back beyond the sea, Turtle, you shall carry me!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.
IX.
Through the silent-roaring ocean Did the Turtle swiftly go; Holding fast upon his shell Rode the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. With a sad primaeval motion Towards the sunset isles of Boshen Still the Turtle bore him well. Holding fast upon his shell, "Lady Jingly Jones, farewell!" Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.
X.
From the Coast of Coromandel Did that Lady never go; On that heap of stones she mourns For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. On that Coast of Coromandel, In his jug without a handle Still she weeps, and daily moans; On that little heap of stones To her Dorking Hens she moans, For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.
THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES.
I.
The Pobble who has no toes Had once as many as we; When they said, "Some day you may lose them all;" He replied, "Fish fiddle de-dee!" And his Aunt Jobiska made him drink Lavender water tinged with pink; For she said, "The World in general knows There's nothing so good for a Pobble's toes!"
II.
The Pobble who has no toes, Swam across the Bristol Channel; But before he set out he wrapped his nose In a piece of scarlet flannel. For his Aunt Jobiska said, "No harm Can come to his toes if his nose is warm; And it's perfectly known that a Pobble's toes Are safe—provided he minds his nose."
III.
The Pobble swam fast and well, And when boats or ships came near him, He tinkledy-binkledy-winkled a bell So that all the world could hear him. And all the Sailors and Admirals cried, When they saw him nearing the further side,— "He has gone to fish, for his Aunt Jobiska's Runcible Cat with crimson whiskers!"
IV.
But before he touched the shore,— The shore of the Bristol Channel, A sea-green Porpoise carried away His wrapper of scarlet flannel. And when he came to observe his feet, Formerly garnished with toes so neat, His face at once became forlorn On perceiving that all his toes were gone!
V.
And nobody ever knew, From that dark day to the present, Whoso had taken the Pobble's toes, In a manner so far from pleasant. Whether the shrimps or crawfish gray, Or crafty Mermaids stole them away, Nobody knew; and nobody knows How the Pobble was robbed of his twice five toes!
VI.
The Pobble who has no toes Was placed in a friendly Bark, And they rowed him back, and carried him up To his Aunt Jobiska's Park. And she made him a feast, at his earnest wish, Of eggs and buttercups fried with fish; And she said, "It's a fact the whole world knows, That Pobbles are happier without their toes."
THE NEW VESTMENTS.
There lived an old man in the Kingdom of Tess, Who invented a purely original dress; And when it was perfectly made and complete, He opened the door and walked into the street.
By way of a hat he'd a loaf of Brown Bread, In the middle of which he inserted his head; His Shirt was made up of no end of dead Mice, The warmth of whose skins was quite fluffy and nice; His Drawers were of Rabbit-skins, so were his Shoes; His Stockings were skins, but it is not known whose; His Waistcoat and Trowsers were made of Pork Chops; His Buttons were Jujubes and Chocolate Drops; His Coat was all Pancakes, with Jam for a border, And a girdle of Biscuits to keep it in order; And he wore over all, as a screen from bad weather, A Cloak of green Cabbage-leaves stitched all together.
He had walked a short way, when he heard a great noise, Of all sorts of Beasticles, Birdlings, and Boys; And from every long street and dark lane in the town Beasts, Birdies, and Boys in a tumult rushed down. Two Cows and a Calf ate his Cabbage-leaf Cloak; Four Apes seized his Girdle, which vanished like smoke; Three Kids ate up half of his Pancaky Coat, And the tails were devour'd by an ancient He Goat; An army of Dogs in a twinkling tore up his Pork Waistcoat and Trowsers to give to their Puppies; And while they were growling, and mumbling the Chops, Ten Boys prigged the Jujubes and Chocolate Drops. He tried to run back to his house, but in vain, For scores of fat Pigs came again and again: They rushed out of stables and hovels and doors; They tore off his stockings, his shoes, and his drawers; And now from the housetops with screechings descend Striped, spotted, white, black, and gray Cats without end: They jumped on his shoulders and knocked off his hat, When Crows, Ducks, and Hens made a mincemeat of that; They speedily flew at his sleeves in a trice, And utterly tore up his Shirt of dead Mice; They swallowed the last of his Shirt with a squall,— Whereon he ran home with no clothes on at all.
And he said to himself, as he bolted the door, "I will not wear a similar dress any more, Any more, any more, any more, never more!"
MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS.
I.
Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos Climbed to the top of a wall. And they sate to watch the sunset sky, And to hear the Nupiter Piffkin cry, And the Biscuit Buffalo call. They took up a roll and some Camomile tea, And both were as happy as happy could be, Till Mrs. Discobbolos said,— "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! It has just come into my head, Suppose we should happen to fall!!!!! Darling Mr. Discobbolos!
II.
"Suppose we should fall down flumpetty, Just like pieces of stone, On to the thorns, or into the moat, What would become of your new green coat? And might you not break a bone? It never occurred to me before, That perhaps we shall never go down any more!" And Mrs. Discobbolos said, "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! What put it into your head To climb up this wall, my own Darling Mr. Discobbolos?"
III.
Mr. Discobbolos answered, "At first it gave me pain, And I felt my ears turn perfectly pink When your exclamation made me think We might never get down again! But now I believe it is wiser far To remain for ever just where we are." And Mr. Discobbolos said, "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! It has just come into my head We shall never go down again, Dearest Mrs. Discobbolos!"
IV.
So Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos Stood up and began to sing,— "Far away from hurry and strife Here we will pass the rest of life, Ding a dong, ding dong, ding! We want no knives nor forks nor chairs, No tables nor carpets nor household cares; From worry of life we've fled; Oh! W! X! Y! Z! There is no more trouble ahead, Sorrow or any such thing, For Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos!"
THE QUANGLE WANGLE'S HAT.
I.
On the top of the Crumpetty Tree The Quangle Wangle sat, But his face you could not see, On account of his Beaver Hat. For his Hat was a hundred and two feet wide, With ribbons and bibbons on every side, And bells, and buttons, and loops, and lace, So that nobody ever could see the face Of the Quangle Wangle Quee.
II.
The Quangle Wangle said To himself on the Crumpetty Tree, "Jam, and jelly, and bread Are the best of food for me! But the longer I live on this Crumpetty Tree The plainer than ever it seems to me That very few people come this way And that life on the whole is far from gay!" Said the Quangle Wangle Quee.
III.
But there came to the Crumpetty Tree Mr. and Mrs. Canary; And they said, "Did ever you see Any spot so charmingly airy? May we build a nest on your lovely Hat? Mr. Quangle Wangle, grant us that! O please let us come and build a nest Of whatever material suits you best, Mr. Quangle Wangle Quee!"
IV.
And besides, to the Crumpetty Tree Came the Stork, the Duck, and the Owl; The Snail and the Bumble-Bee, The Frog and the Fimble Fowl (The Fimble Fowl, with a Corkscrew leg); And all of them said, "We humbly beg We may build our homes on your lovely Hat,— Mr. Quangle Wangle, grant us that! Mr. Quangle Wangle Quee!"
V.
And the Golden Grouse came there, And the Pobble who has no toes, And the small Olympian bear, And the Dong with a luminous nose. And the Blue Baboon who played the flute, And the Orient Calf from the Land of Tute, And the Attery Squash, and the Bisky Bat,— All came and built on the lovely Hat Of the Quangle Wangle Quee.
VI.
And the Quangle Wangle said To himself on the Crumpetty Tree, "When all these creatures move What a wonderful noise there'll be!" And at night by the light of the Mulberry moon They danced to the Flute of the Blue Baboon, On the broad green leaves of the Crumpetty Tree, And all were as happy as happy could be, With the Quangle Wangle Quee.
THE CUMMERBUND. An Indian Poem.
I.
She sate upon her Dobie, To watch the Evening Star, And all the Punkahs, as they passed, Cried, "My! how fair you are!" Around her bower, with quivering leaves, The tall Kamsamahs grew, And Kitmutgars in wild festoons Hung down from Tchokis blue.
II.
Below her home the river rolled With soft meloobious sound, Where golden-finned Chuprassies swam, In myriads circling round. Above, on tallest trees remote Green Ayahs perched alone, And all night long the Mussak moan'd Its melancholy tone.
III.
And where the purple Nullahs threw Their branches far and wide, And silvery Goreewallahs flew In silence, side by side, The little Bheesties' twittering cry Rose on the flagrant air, And oft the angry Jampan howled Deep in his hateful lair.
IV.
She sate upon her Dobie, She heard the Nimmak hum, When all at once a cry arose, "The Cummerbund is come!" In vain she fled: with open jaws The angry monster followed, And so (before assistance came) That Lady Fair was swollowed.
V.
They sought in vain for even a bone Respectfully to bury; They said, "Hers was a dreadful fate!" (And Echo answered, "Very.") They nailed her Dobie to the wall, Where last her form was seen, And underneath they wrote these words, In yellow, blue, and green: "Beware, ye Fair! Ye Fair, beware! Nor sit out late at night, Lest horrid Cummerbunds should come, And swollow you outright."
NOTE.—First published in Times of India, Bombay, July, 1874.
THE AKOND OF SWAT.
Who, or why, or which, or what, Is the Akond of SWAT? Is he tall or short, or dark or fair? Does he sit on a stool or a sofa or chair, or SQUAT, The Akond of Swat?
Is he wise or foolish, young or old? Does he drink his soup and his coffee cold, or HOT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he sing or whistle, jabber or talk, And when riding abroad does he gallop or walk, or TROT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he wear a turban, a fez, or a hat? Does he sleep on a mattress, a bed, or a mat, or a COT, The Akond of Swat?
When he writes a copy in round-hand size, Does he cross his T's and finish his I's with a DOT, The Akond of Swat?
Can he write a letter concisely clear Without a speck or a smudge or smear or BLOT, The Akond of Swat?
Do his people like him extremely well? Or do they, whenever they can, rebel, or PLOT, At the Akond of Swat?
If he catches them then, either old or young, Does he have them chopped in pieces or hung, or shot, The Akond of Swat?
Do his people prig in the lanes or park? Or even at times, when days are dark, GAROTTE? O the Akond of Swat!
Does he study the wants of his own dominion? Or doesn't he care for public opinion a JOT, The Akond of Swat?
To amuse his mind do his people show him Pictures, or any one's last new poem, or WHAT, For the Akond of Swat?
At night if he suddenly screams and wakes, Do they bring him only a few small cakes, or a LOT, For the Akond of Swat?
Does he live on turnips, tea, or tripe? Does he like his shawl to be marked with a stripe, or a DOT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he like to lie on his back in a boat Like the lady who lived in that isle remote, SHALLOTT, The Akond of Swat?
Is he quiet, or always making a fuss? Is his steward a Swiss or a Swede or a Russ, or a SCOT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he like to sit by the calm blue wave? Or to sleep and snore in a dark green cave, or a GROTT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he drink small beer from a silver jug? Or a bowl? or a glass? or a cup? or a mug? or a POT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he beat his wife with a gold-topped pipe, When she lets the gooseberries grow too ripe, or ROT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he wear a white tie when he dines with friends, And tie it neat in a bow with ends, or a KNOT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he like new cream, and hate mince-pies? When he looks at the sun does he wink his eyes, or NOT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he teach his subjects to roast and bake? Does he sail about on an inland lake, in a YACHT, The Akond of Swat?
Some one, or nobody, knows I wot Who or which or why or what Is the Akond of Swat!
NOTE.—For the existence of this potentate see Indian newspapers, passim. The proper way to read the verses is to make an immense emphasis on the monosyllabic rhymes, which indeed ought to be shouted out by a chorus.
* * * * *
NONSENSE BOTANY.
* * * * *
NONSENSE ALPHABETS.
A
A was an Area Arch Where washerwomen sat; They made a lot of lovely starch To starch Papa's Cravat.
B
B was a Bottle blue, Which was not very small; Papa he filled it full of beer, And then he drank it all.
C
C was Papa's gray Cat, Who caught a squeaky Mouse; She pulled him by his twirly tail All about the house.
D
D was Papa's white Duck, Who had a curly tail; One day it ate a great fat frog, Besides a leetle snail.
E
E was a little Egg, Upon the breakfast table; Papa came in and ate it up As fast as he was able.
F
F was a little Fish. Cook in the river took it Papa said, "Cook! Cook! bring a dish! And, Cook! be quick and cook it!"
G
G was Papa's new Gun; He put it in a box; And then he went and bought a bun, And walked about the Docks.
H
H was Papa's new Hat; He wore it on his head; Outside it was completely black, But inside it was red.
I
I was an Inkstand new, Papa he likes to use it; He keeps it in his pocket now, For fear that he should lose it.
J
J was some Apple Jam, Of which Papa ate part; But all the rest he took away And stuffed into a tart.
K
K was a great new Kite; Papa he saw it fly Above a thousand chimney pots, And all about the sky.
L
L was a fine new Lamp; But when the wick was lit, Papa he said, "This Light ain't good! I cannot read a bit!"
M
M was a dish of mince; It looked so good to eat! Papa, he quickly ate it up, And said, "This is a treat!"
N
N was a Nut that grew High up upon a tree; Papa, who could not reach it, said, "That's much too high for me!"
O
O was an Owl who flew All in the dark away, Papa said, "What an owl you are! Why don't you fly by day?"
P
P was a little Pig, Went out to take a walk; Papa he said, "If Piggy dead, He'd all turn into Pork!"
Q
Q was a Quince that hung Upon a garden tree; Papa he brought it with him home, And ate it with his tea.
R
R was a Railway Rug Extremely large and warm; Papa he wrapped it round his head, In a most dreadful storm.
S
S was Papa's new Stick, Papa's new thumping Stick, To thump extremely wicked boys, Because it was so thick.
T
T was a tumbler full Of Punch all hot and good; Papa he drank it up, when in The middle of a wood.
U
U was a silver urn, Full of hot scalding water; Papa said, "If that Urn were mine, I'd give it to my daughter!"
V
V was a Villain; once He stole a piece of beef. Papa he said, "Oh, dreadful man! That Villain is a Thief!"
W
W was a Watch of Gold: It told the time of day, So that Papa knew when to come, And when to go away.
X
X was King Xerxes, whom Papa much wished to know; But this he could not do, because Xerxes died long ago.
Y
Y was a Youth, who kicked And screamed and cried like mad; Papa he said, "Your conduct is Abominably bad!"
Z
Z was a Zebra striped And streaked with lines of black; Papa said once, he thought he'd like A ride upon his back.
ALPHABET, No. 6.
A tumbled down, and hurt his Arm, against a bit of wood,
B said. "My Boy, oh, do not cry; it cannot do you good!"
C said, "A Cup of Coffee hot can't do you any harm."
D said, "A Doctor should be fetched, and he would cure the arm."
E said, "An Egg beat up with milk would quickly make him well."
F said, "A Fish, if broiled, might cure, if only by the smell."
G said, "Green Gooseberry fool, the best of cures I hold."
H said, "His Hat should be kept on, to keep him from the cold."
I said, "Some Ice upon his head will make him better soon."
J said, "Some Jam, if spread on bread, or given in a spoon!"
K said, "A Kangaroo is here,—this picture let him see."
L said, "A Lamp pray keep alight, to make some barley tea."
M said, "A Mulberry or two might give him satisfaction."
N said, "Some Nuts, if rolled about, might be a slight attraction."
O said, "An Owl might make him laugh, if only it would wink."
P said, "Some Poetry might be read aloud, to make him think."
Q said, "A Quince I recommend,—a Quince, or else a Quail."
R said, "Some Rats might make him move, if fastened by their tail."
S said, "A Song should now be sung, in hopes to make him laugh!"
T said, "A Turnip might avail, if sliced or cut in half!"
U said, "An Urn, with water hot, place underneath his chin!"
V said, "I'll stand upon a chair, and play a Violin!"
W said, "Some Whisky-Whizzgigs fetch, some marbles and a ball!"
X said, "Some double XX ale would be the best of all!"
Y said, "Some Yeast mixed up with salt would make a perfect plaster!"
Z said, "Here is a box of Zinc! Get in, my little master! We'll shut you up! We'll nail you down! We will, my little master! We think we've all heard quite enough of this your sad disaster!"
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