"'Now, will you let my Willie alone?' says she.

"Hadds jumped up and down and rubbed his head.

"'What ails you?' says he, near cryin'.

"'Hadds!' I remonstrated to him, 'remember you're speakin' to a lady.'

"'Lady!' yells Hadds. 'Lady! Look at the lump on my head!'

"It was at this unfortunate minute a young feller see fit to come into the store to buy some matches. He stopped a minute, as he took a general view. There was the Major, apparently bleedin' profusely, yet not carin' a great deal, seemin' more concerned in rockin' bac'ard and forrard and sneezin'. His manner seemed to say, 'So long as you don't interfere with the innocent pleasures of a sneeze I don't care what breaks.' There was Hadds rubbin' his head: there was me with my mouth open; and there was the Majoress, leanin' over the counter and smilin' a dark, mysterious smile.

"The customer didn't know what to do.

"'Well?' says the Majoress, sharp and businesslike.

"The young feller jumped.

"'I beg your pardon,' says he. 'I'd like a box of matches.'

"The Majoress shook her head.

"'People don't always get what they like in this world,' says she.

"'No,' says the young feller. 'No, ma'am.' And then come an awkward silence.

"The Majoress still shook her head.

"'This is a sad world,' she says.

"'Yes, ma'am,' says the young feller, edgin' for the door.

"'But you can have the matches,' says she.

"With that she hit him square between the eyes with a ten-cent box. The young feller drew himself up proud.

"'I don't come in here to get insulted,' says he.

"The Majoress resumed her mysterious smile.

"'Why not?' says she.

"The young feller opened his mouth twice, but nothin' to suit the occasion seemed to occur to him. He wheeled and tried to walk off dignified, but the matches snappin' under his feet spoiled the effect.

"'By-by!' says the Majoress; 'come again!'

"She grabbed a tray of mouth-organs and heaved it after him; they scattered like a shrapnel shell. The young feller didn't wait to close the door. We heard him gallopin' up the board walk like he was needin' fresh air. We stood stock still for a matter of five seconds, I reckon; Hadds and me scart to move, and the Majoress with her brow wrinkled in thought. All of a suddent, with no more warnin' than a streak of lightnin', she burst out cryin'. 'Oh, oh, oh!' says she, 'how I have been deceived in men!' Then to relieve her feelin's she got to work with both hands.

"There was a genuine Sand-hill cloudburst of hair-brushes and combs, porous plasters, tooth-powder, tooth-brushes, pomade, soap, Jew's-harps, playin'-cards and the old Boy knows what all. It struck me then what a waste of time it was for a citizen to get loaded and tear the linin' out of a saloon; the place where you can really get the worth of your time and money is a drug store. Hadds and me made one desp'rate plunge for her through the terrific fire she kept up. I don't suppose that lady could hit a barn with a rock, unless she was inside of it, under ordinary conditions; but I'll bet she didn't miss one out of a possible ten that night. She caught me under the eye with a mouth-organ, on top of the head with a jar of tooth-powder, whilest smaller articles flew off'n me in all directions.

"Hadds took holt of her hands and talked implorin'.

"'Please, ma'am!' says he, 'please? Don't throw things around like that! Remember they cost money! We can't sell tooth-brushes after you've strewed the floor with 'em! I ask you please! Please!'

"'Villain!' says she haughtily. 'How dast you put your evil hands on me?'

"'Hadds,' says I, 'leggo the lady. We pass. Let us retire behind the prescription counter and bear up like men. There's only one thing on earth that E. G. W. Scraggs is willin' to admit has him trimmed to a peak, and you see that same before you now. 'Twas ever thus since childhood's hour, when my maiden Aunt Susan took the raisin' of me. Take any form thou wilt but this, and my firm nerve ain't goin' to tremble; but stacked again this form, my nerve is floppin' like a hotel wash in a hurricane.'

"So I slung Hadds over my shoulder and we went behind the prescription counter.

"I tried to distract his mind by tellin' him a funny story. However, the rip-split-smash outside kind of jumbled three yarns into one. Besides, Hadds was foamin' so it was all I could do to keep him from goin' over and kickin' the Major, who still was oblivious to surroundings, and enwrapped in the gentle art of sneezin'. Then there come a fearful bump from outside. I knew by that a showcase was no more.

"'Zeke!' yells Hadds, 'think of somethin' before that woman has us all in.'

"'Haddsy, old horse,' I says, 'we've only got one show. If we can create a diversion we win. My head's that rumpled, the only thing strikes me is for us to go out there and play cat-fight. Holler, and meaowl, and spit, and screech, and jump around till she can't help but look at us. That's the way I uset to amuse the twins when they needed killin'; of course we'll look like a pair of fools——'

"'Yes!' hollers Hadds. 'What do we look like now? You get three guesses!'

"'Come along!' says I.

"Well, dear friends and brothers, our hearts was in that diversion, let alone the stake we'd invested in the store. If you don't think one bald-headed E. G. W. Scraggs and one red-headed Tommy Hadds put up a high-grade article of cat-fight I don't know how I'm goin' to prove to the contrary; but it was so.



"Why, we buck-jumped four foot in the air, sideways, edgeways and straight pitch-and-teeter; we mi-auwed, and scratched, and tore and rolled over, and kicked with our hind legs, and such yells was never heard in a human habitation before nor since.

"It worked. The Mayoress stopped and leaned over the counter.

"'Warm it up, Hadds!' I whispers. 'We got her lookin'!'

"So then we rollicked for a ramps. I see the Majoress smile; she p'inted her finger toward us.

"'S-sick 'em!' says she. 'Sick 'em, Towser!'

"It would have been all right; we was playin' on velvet, and could have led that woman out of the store as easy as anything if that concussed Major hadn't 'a' come to in the wrong place.

"I caught one glimpse of him holdin' tight with both hands to a shelf, with his eyes jumpin' out of his head and his face as white as flour.

"Of course no man would really believe that the spectacle of two grown men playin' cat-fight in the ruins of a drug store, whilest his own wife looked on and said 'Sick 'em!' was anything but an optickle delusion, caused by reasons he was familiar with.

"'It's never come like this before!' hollers the Major, and then he goes down backward for the final touch, carryin' away a kerosene lamp, and the same landin' in a barrel of varnish.

"Well, sir, what with the stuff that was loose around there and the varnish, my coat tails was afire when I lugged the Major out to where Hadds was industriously savin' the Mayoress' life.

"The two hose companies got out in good shape, but a most unforchinit dispute over who was to claim first water on the fire led 'em to use axes and spanner wrenches and sections of hose on each other whilst our drug store burned green and purple and pink, neglected. Inside of ten minutes eight firemen was ready for the hospital; a good citizen took the Major and Majoress in for the night, and all that was left of our promisin' business enterprise was a small heap of wood ashes and a very bad smell.

"'Well,' says I, 'shake, Hadds; it's all over.'

"He grabbed my hand, weepin'.

"'No, it ain't, Scraggsy, Old Man Rocks,' says he. 'You stood by me noble, and I'll do the same by you.' He fumbled in his pocket. 'I've saved a complete equipment from the wreck,' says he, and with that he hauls out a couple of decks of cards and a box of poker chips. 'All is lost save honor, Zeke," says he, 'but I reckon we can raise a dollar or two on that.'

"I was so moved in my feelin's I could only shake his manly hand.

"When I could speak, says I, 'We'll rise like a couple of them Fenian birds from the ashes, pard.'

"And hope springin' eternal once more in our chests, we took a little drink at Jimmy's place and went to bed happy."



V

THE MOURNFUL NUMBER

"It's a great misfortune to be superstishyous," said Mr. Scraggs. "Such a thing would never have troubled me if I hadn't a-learnt from experience that facts carried out the idee. Now, you take that number thirteen. There's reason for believin' it's unlucky. One reason is, when things is all walkin' backwards folks says they're at sixes and sevens. Well, six and seven makes thirteen, so there you are."

"I ain't much more than arrived," replied Red, rubbing his head dubiously.

"I'm comin' fast," said Charley; "but don't wait for me, Zeke."

"Well, that's only speculation, anyhow," continued Mr. Scraggs indulgently; "and speculation has made heaps of trouble for piles of people if I'm to believe what I read, which I don't. But here's cold facts. I was born on the thirteenth of April, at a time when me and the country was both younger than we are now. Hadn't been for that I'd dodged considerable mishaps. It was on the thirteenth of October last, in the early mornin', that I mistook that rattlesnake for a chunk of wood and heaved him in the stove."

"Well, where's the bad luck in that?" asked Charley.

"Inquire of the snake," said Mr. Scraggs; "besides, he smelt awful. I don't seem to be able to bring back any mornin' I cared less for breakfast than that one. Suppose you was a happy rattlesnake, Charley, with a large and promisin' fambly; suppose, now, on a frosty thirteenth of October you crawled under the cook-stove to get warm the minute the camp cook opened the door, and, before you limbered up enough to bite him, cooky lays cold and unfeelin' hands upon you and Jams you into the stove—ain't the number thirteen goin' to carry unpleasant recollections for you from that on? Bet your life. Howsomever, these are only small details. My main proof that the number thirteen ain't any better than it orter be lies in the fact that one day I married the thirteenth in Mrs. Scraggs. If I'd never'd hearn of such a thing I'd know'd thirteen was no good from that time on. This ain't to cast reflections on the other Mrs. Scraggses, neither. I will say for them wimmen that anything simple-heartedness could do to prepare a man to meet his end cheerful they done. But Mehitabel the Thirteenth, of the reignin' family of Scraggs, was a genius. Uncle Peter Paisley uset to say that a genius was a person that could take a cork and a dryness of the throat, and with them simple ingrejents construct a case of jim-jams. More than one-quarter of the time Uncle Pete knew what he was talkin' about, too, and the rest of it he was too happy to care. Mehitabel was a sure-enough genius: she could make a domestic difficulty out of a shoestring, she could draw a fambly jar through a hole in a sock, and she could bring on civil war over the question of whether there was anything to quar'l about,

"Come Christmastime, I thought I'd leave home for a spell. There was an old friend of mine holdin' down a mine out in the hills. I knew he wouldn't have no company around, and I pined for solitude. There is a time in the affairs of men, as Shakespeare says, when a pair of cold feet beats any hands in the deck. Keno Jim said Shakespeare said so, and Shakespeare's too dead to argue.

"'So I puts on a pair of them long, slidin' snowshoes they call 'skees' and slips for William Pemberton and the lonesome mountains. People don't call a thing 'skee' unless they hev good reason for it. Before I caught the hang of them durn disconnected bob-sleds I saw where the 'skee' come in. The feller that loaned 'em to me kindly explained that you slid down the hills on 'em, and it was great sport. When I clumb the first hill and stood perspirin' on top I felt entitled to a little sport. 'Hooray!' says I, and pushed loose. It was a long, wide, high hill with trees and things on it. Some time after I started, say about three seconds, I thought I'd like to slack a bit and view the scenery. The way I was travelin' the scenery looked like the spokes of a flywheel. I left my stummick and my immortal soul about ten rods behind me. You could play checkers on my coat-tail, as the sayin' is. Man! And I pushed up a hurricane. It cut my eyes so I cried icicles a foot long. Roar-row-roor-s-s-wish! we went in the open, and me-a-arrr! we ripped through the timber. I crossed a downed log unexpected and flew thirty foot in the air. Whilst aloft I see a creek dead ahead of me. There wasn't nothin' to do but jump when I come to it, so I jumped. I don't care a cuss whether you believe me or not, dear friends and brothers, but I want to tell you right now that I cleared the creek with something like one hundred and eighty feet to spare! At which I took to throwin' summersaults. I threw one solid quarter-mile of summersaults before that suddent cravin' was satisfied.

"'Y-a-as,' says I when I picked myself up. 'Well, I reckon I've done enough of this here skeedaddlin' for one mornin'. So after that I went along quiet and dignified to William Pemberton's.

"I hit his cabin on Christmas Eve, findin' him very low-spirited. It seems that he was expectin' an attack from some people anxious to jump the claims, thereby gettin' the mill standin' on the property. The feller that hired Billy as watchman promised him everything and forgot it. Billy was almighty faithful but hot-tempered'

"'Think of it!' says he to me. 'I gets word two days ago that the gang is comin' to hop me, and old man Davis ain't even sent me a rifle, like he agreed. What does he expect? Does he have illusions that when they come squirtin' lead at me I'm goin' to peg at 'em with snowballs?'

"Then he laid back, fightin' for breath, and kickin' out with his legs till I loosened his collar. It was a terrible strain, bein' watchman of a mill under them conditions, with a disposition like this. I pitched in to make him feel better. After I'd narrated some incidents that went to make up livin' with Mrs. Scraggs he chirped up considerable. 'Well, sir! This is a gay world, ain't it?' says he. 'I wisht I could offer you something to drown your sorrers in, Zeke, but unless you happen to have brought along the makings of a flowing bowl we can't put an end to 'em at this ranch.'

"Well, now, that was sorrerful tidin's. I reckon William took notice of my face—Christmas Eve, alone on top of a God-forsaken mountain and not a smell of anything to make the sun rise in our souls—oh, murder!

"'I feel awful bad about this, Zeke,' says he.

"'Don't mention it,' says I as soon's I could tune my pipes to a cheerful lie. 'Your presence is sufficient.'

"'But I have an idee,' says he, pushing his finger agin my ribs. 'Don't git excited, Zeke, only to be cast down the harder, but there's a chance. All last summer we had stockholders' investigation meetings, and the way old man Davis led 'em to make investigations through a glass darkly was a sin and a scandal. The altytood was too altytoodinous for strangers, says old man Davis, and therefore they must take a drink; and it was too cold and too hot, too wet and too dry, and if everything else failed it was too cussed mejium for them to live through it without takin' a drink. The consequence was that all I remember about a stockholder is that he's a kind of man with wibbly-wabbly knees and feet that wants to swap sides, who spends his time hiccupin' up and down the mine trails, findin' specimens when and where old man Davis wills.'

"William Pemberton smote his forehead with the flat of his hand—everything took hold of William so vi'lent. 'I give you my word, Zeke,' says he, 'that them horse-car busters picked hunks of red serpentine, loaded with gold from the Texas Star, out of our white quartz ledges that never see gold since Adam played tag, and believed it was all right—just the same as the gent pulls a rabbit out of your hat at the show, and you're convinced that rabbit was there all the time unbeknownst to you. And to think—' he says.

"'Sit down, William, sit down,' says I. 'I don't know what to do for appleplexy.'

"'Well, I'll sit down to oblige you, Zeke; but to think of them flappy-footed yawps puttin' away good liquor by the pailful—pailful?' yells William scornful. 'Barrelful—steam-enjine b'ilerful—

"'Well,' says I hastily, 'you was sayin' you had an idee?'

"'Oh, yes!' says he. 'It don't stand in reason they rounded up every last bottle, so it occurred to me that if we hunted we might make discoveries.'

"'Why, so we could!' I hollers loud and hearty, with more notion of creatin' a diversion, however, than any rank faith in my havin' a good time off what old man Davis overlooked. 'It'll be like hide-and-go-seek of a Christmas Eve when we was kids, William.'

"So we scrimmaged round here and there till there was only one closet in the cabin left.

"'I saved it till the last—it's the most likely,' says William. 'Shine a light on our departing hopes, Ezekiel.'

"He put his hand very careful toward the back. 'E. G. W., says he,' 'my fingers have teched something cold and smooth, just like a bottle—pull hard, Ezekiel.'

"I took a long breath and pulled hard.

"'It is round,' says William Pemberton. 'It is a bottle.'

"Nothin' could be heard but the beatin' of our hearts.

"'Is it—is it—heavy, William?' I falters. Then you couldn't hear nothin', for our hearts had cease to beat. He let loose of a roar same as a lion that's skipped atop of his prey.

'Ezekiel G. W. Scraggs!' he shrieks, 'she's full!'

"'I wish no better luck myself,' says I. 'Trot her out!'

"When the light of the lantern fell upon that bottle we got a shock. Instead of the cheerin' color that usually fills useful bottles, the contents of this here one was green—green as grass off a June hillside.

"'Well!' says William, 'what in—where in—why, it's perfumery!' he hollers, and raises it for a smash.

"'Hold, William! Hold!' says I. 'It's got red sealin'-wax on the top. If you break it before we take a sample you and me is the best of friends parted in the middle, not to mention the disturbance we'll make in this room.'

"So I took it away from him and looked at it in the candle-light. Sure enough, there was the inspirin' words on it, 'Liqueur—Creme de Menthe.' A furreign way of spellin' liquor, to be sure, but what's a letter or two out of the way, so long as the results is in sight?

"'William,' says I, 'L-i-q, lick, u-e-u-r, er—licker. Get glasses, William, and let us be joyful.'

"William mumbled somethin' about green not bein' a joyful color, but he went and did as I told him.

"That stuff smelt of perpemint, fearful. It was a young ladies' bevridge if ever I hit one. We sot opposite each other, filled a tumbler apiece, says, 'Here's how,' and waited. We waited quite some time.

"'Ezekiel, do you notice anythin'?' says William. Well, to tell the truth, I hadn't; yet it might only been fancy, so I says, 'Seems to me I do, William—nothin' vi'lent, nor musical, nor humorous—but a kind of a tranquil, preliminary, what-you-might-call-indication of somethin' to follow.'

"'Huh,' says William, 'let's try another.

"We was careful to load to the brim this time. After five minutes I says, 'Are you sure you don't notice nothin,' William?' I observed a risin' color in his face.

"'U-m-m—y-a-as,' says he most sarcastical; 'I notice somethin', Ezekiel—a strong smell of peppermint—not escaped you, perhaps? Well, there's just one more swig of green paint goin' to force itself into the midst of William Pemberton, and if there ain't more to show for it than the present odor and a sensation 'sif I'd been turned inside out and exposed to the wintry blasts you'll hear from me, Ezekiel. I've stood,' says William, 'about all I'm prepared to stand. The next act will be for me to proceed to get a move on.'

"Knowin' what a powerful disposition he had I most sincerely hoped our next glass would bring about satisfactory conclusions. I downed her, but it had got to be all I could do, I felt a freezin' cold in my vitals, like William had complained of, instead of the warmth and comfort for which I looked. Y-a-as, I swallered that glass by main strength, like a snake would a hop-toad—kinder lengthened myself until I was outside of it.

"'Tick-tick-tick,' remarks William's clock on the wall. When it had arranged its hands before its mild countenance in such a way as to inform me that twenty minutes, mountain time, had done all the elapsin' possible, I slid my anxious gaze on William. He held to his chair with both hands, and white spots showed in his cheeks, the way he chawed his teeth together.

"'Ahem,' says I, clearin' my throat, 'Hum—ah, do you—er—do you no—'

"I got no farther. William leant over and bent his finger double agin my chest. 'Full well,' says he in a tone of v'ice not loud but so loaded with meanin' it bumped on his teeth—'full well, Ezekiel George Washington Scraggs, do I assimerlate what the results of such a course will be, but if you should persume to ast me any more if I notice anything I shall at once arise and bat you in the eye—I am beyond carin' for conserquences.'

"'Now, now, now! What is the use of gettin' so excited? Take a drink of water—you'll bust your b'iler, foamin' like that,' I says.

"'Water!' says William. 'Ha, ha, ha.' It wasn't no giggle, that laugh of his. It was one of them blood-curdlers you read about.

"'All right," says he, brisk, 'to oblige you—remember that.' He turned the dipper upside down, then heaved it through the window. 'Sufferin' Ike'' says he, "I can't even taste it—nothin' but cold, cold. Went down my gullet like a buckshot down a ten-foot shaft.' He struggled for air and continued; 'Here am I,' says he, 'William Pemberton, celebratin' Christmas by dyeing my linin' green and smellin' like a recess in a country school.' His ventilation give out again, whilest he worked his face into knots and flew his hands around. 'You come along with me,' says he, 'and I'll show you a Christmas celebration.'

"I grabbed him. 'William,' I says, 'your eye is desperate. You explain to me before you scuff a foot.'

"'Leggo me,' he says; 'I tell you, leggo me, Zeke Scraggs. I'm goin' to have my revenge. I'm goin' to take ten cases of giant powder and blow the mill of Honorable John Lawson Davis, Member of Congress, Champion Double-Jointed, Ground-and-Lofty, Collar-and-Elbow, Skin and Liar, so high in the air that folks'll think there's a new comet, predictin' war and trouble.'

"'William,' I says 'you ain't goin' to do no such thing—that's wicked, that is.' I tried to speak stern, but this here Christmas hadn't amounted to much so far, and I never had seen a stamp mill blew up, so I couldn't help wonderin' how it would look.

"'See here!' says he, 'I'll admit many a time you've licked me in a friendly way, Ezekiel, and I'm obliged to you; but, now, be you, or ben't you, my guest?'

"'I be,' says I.

"'Then don't let's hear no more out of you,' he says, 'but come along.'

"'The powder'll be friz,' I hints, still tryin' to switch him off.

"'Not much,' he says. 'She's down a cellar twenty foot deep—come on.'

"'Just as you say, William,' I remarks—the only thing to do.

"So we toted ten cases of giant to the bottom of the mill, fixed the cap and fuse careful, touched her off, and walked away from there.

"Whilest I wouldn't have you think for a minute, dear friends and brothers, that I uphold any conduct like that, for my part I'm willin' to admit there's things less exhileratin' than standin' on a small rise, of a clear, fine, moonlight winter night, waitin' to see a fifty-stamp mill go off,

"And she went. Let me repeat it: she went. We first ketched a smack on the soles of our feet, and then that mill flew to a fiery finish. Jeehoopidderammity! It was simply gorgeous.

"We didn't have time to take it all in, howsomever, for after the first blast a big, black thing sailed over our heads with the fearfullest screech that ever scart a man to death.

"'Zeke,' says William, hangin' on to my neck, 'did I hear somethin', or is it that cussed green ink workin'?'

"'I thought I observed a sound,' says I; 'and whatever it was lit yonder. Let's go see.

"William hadn't intended to go and see at all. In fact, I dragged him by the hair and belt the hull distance—not that I was exactly afraid, but nothin' is so lonesome when you have company.

"There was a hole in a snowbank where whatever it was went in. I started to paw down, but William was for bunchin' it.

"'I tell you, let it be and hump yourself out'n here,' says he. 'It's after me because I blew up the mill; it's the devil, that's what it is.'

"'Is it?' says I. 'Well, let's have a look at him. My veins is full of cream de menthy, and I'll knock his horns off'n him if he gives me any lip.'

"Just then the snowbank heaved up. It wasn't no devil—that is, not exactly. It was a lady. I'd a bet on it if I'd had time to think. I might have known there was no place on top of this footstool where E. G. W. Scraggs could rest his weary feet without some female happenin' in the same spot at the same time. I should have took William's advice, but it was now too late.

"We stood around kinder awk'ard, with her brushin' snow from herself, till I says, 'Well, good-evenin', ma'am.'

"First off she says good-evenin', too, out of surprise. Then she begun to talk altogether different. She described William and me by sections, goin' into particulars, and nobuddy'd loaned us money on her recommend. I was used to this at home, so I spoke up nice and silent in our defense. There ain't quite so much noise when only one is talkin.'

"Finally, when her breath give out, William says very humble, 'Would you mind informin' us, ma'am, how you come to be in these parts just now?'

"She explained fully that, in answer to an advertisement in the paper, she was slidin' over to Squaw Creek. The advertisement called for a wife for a farmer, to be forty years old, or thereabouts, able to cook, plow, do washing and light blacksmith's work, and to have a capital of five hundred dollars to invest in the concern.

"'An' now,' says she, beginning to weep, 'I'd camped in that mill, an' I was only for steppin' out to git a bit of a stick to cook me soopper, an' I was on me way back, when a-r-rur-BOOMP! it ses, an' where's the five hoondred dollars that I left there, I dunno? Agghh woosha-woosha the day, ye divils, ye! An' me hoopled t'rough the air like a ol' hat—bad cess to yer ugly faces! The cuss o' Crom'll lie heavy on ye for mistreatin' a poor, lone widdy woman!'

"'Well, ma'am,' says I, 'I wouldn't take the loss of the money to heart. When the gentleman sees your face he won't care.' Usually, you can kinder edge around the rough places with that game of talk. But it didn't go here.

"'Aggh, g'wan, ye bald-headed ol' pepper-mint lozenger!' she hollers. 'D'ye s'pose I niwer see a lookin'-glass? Where's the man'll marry me widout me money? "Me face is me forchune, sor," sez she. "Tek it to the gravel bank an' have it cashed, then," sez he. Where's the man that'll have me, face an' all, lackin' the coin? Woora, woora, answer me that!'

"Well, as usual, it was up to me. There wasn't no escapin' it. A man might just as well meet his fate smilin' as trailin' his lip on the ground, for my experiences teaches, dear friends and brothers, that Fate just naturally don't care a wooden-legged tinker's dam.

"'Madam,' says I, removin' my hat and bowin', 'the honorable name of Scraggs is at your disposal.'

"'Eh?' says she. 'What's that you're sayin'?'

"'I repeat, plainly and sadly, ma'am, that one-fourteenth of my heart and hands is at your disposal.'

"'Heh?' says she again. 'An' what's the one-foorteeneth mane?'

"'I have now,' I replies, 'thirteen wives—'Before I could get another word out she was ra'rin.'

"'Oh!' she yells, 'ye villyan! Ye long-legged blaggard! Ye hairless ol' scoundrel of the world! How dast ye?' She begun lookin' around for a club, so I talked fast.

"'It's my religion, ma'am,' says I. 'I'm a Mormon by profession, mixed with accident. Think a minute before you do somethin' that'll cause general regret.'

"'Well,' she says, calmin' down, 'is there e'er an Oirish leddy in the lot?'

"'Not one, up till this joyful present,' I answers. 'I don't rightly know what country they hail from, but I can truthfully add that I'm not thinkin' of takin' up homestead rights there.'

"'Aggh, g'long wid yer jokin',' says she, as kittenish as anything. 'Yer only foolin', ye are.' "'Ma'am,' says I, 'if you say the word I shall at once proceed to get my fiery, untamed skees and go gallopin' over the mountains to make you the fourteenth Mrs. Scraggs with all speed and celery possible. You have only to speak to turn this dreadful uncertainty into a horrible fact. I pay for what I break; that's me, Jo Bush.'

"'Well, ain't this suddent!' she says. 'But I'll not stop ye from yer intentions—men is that set in their ways! Run along, now, loike a good choild!'

"'Well, good-by, William!' I says when we started, 'You see how it is yourself!"

"He cried on my coat collar. I honest believe that grass-juice had a jump or two in it, so darned insijous a man wouldn't notice.

"'To think it was me brought this on,' he hollers. 'Me an' my revengeful nature! You try to forgive me, Ezekiel. And we everlastingly did wind up that mill, anyhow!'

"'William,' says I, 'take no heed. No man is above what happens to him, unless like he'd been atop of the mill when she dispersed. I forgive you—good-by.'"

Mr. Scraggs puffed his pipe thoughtfully. "Thirteen," he ruminated, and shook his head. "Tell me not them mournful numbers."

"But," interrupted Charley, "I don't see as you was any worse off than before?"

"Me?" replied Mr. Scraggs in surprise. "Me? No, I wasn't any worse off. But, as I said before, inquire of the snake.

"Mrs. Mehitabel Thirteenth Scraggs opened up on me a few mornings after that, and my latest acquisition instantly laid hold of her by the hair of her head and beat her with a fryin'-pan till Number Thirteen had to take to her feet and stay that way for a week.

"'You will talk to my ol' man like that, will you?' says Bridget. 'Well, mind you this, now! If he nades batin' I'll bate him, but fur anny skimpy, yaller critter like yerself to so much as give him a sassy look I'll construe as a mortial offense. Run along, now, run along, and git him his breakfas', or I'll strangle ye with me foot!'



"No," said Mr. Scraggs, sadly. "I wasn't no worse off. If so it hadn't 'a' been Bridget took a drop too much at the drug-store one night, and another drop too much over the edge of the canon on the way home, I reckon I'd had some good out of life. But it wasn't to be, it wasn't to be. Drowned in the bud by the inflooence of that cussed unlucky number, thirteen."



VI

MR. SCRAGGS INTERVENES

"There was a man," said Mr. Scraggs, "who said, 'Deliver me from my friends.' Now, I ain't goin' so far as to say I indorse that statement, nor I ain't standin' still so strong as to say I don't. But I know this: An enemy will do something for you every time, whilest most friends won't, and, moreover, I ain't ever had any enemy who furnished me with as much light entertainment as my friend Pete.

"I am speakin' from this here point of view. The real joyousness of life consists of being busy. We won't take no vote on the subjeck; we'll just admit it. Hence an enemy, that is an enemy, when you be in good health and able for to look after the enemy part from your side, is a great source of innercent amusement. A man gets so durn practical, he don't take no interest in all the pleasant rocks and bushes strewed over the country by the beneficent hand of Providence. He shacks along on his little old cayuse, with his mind occupied on how many things he can't do next, and he gits plumb disgusted. But suppose there's a chance of an able-bodied enemy, aided and abetted with a gun, a-hidin' behind each and every one of them rocks and bushes? Don't life take on an interest? I bet you money! The imaginations of that man's mind gets started up. Life becomes full of chances. The man, he's interested in his life because the other feller wants to take it away from him. A good enemy in a lonesome country means more to that man than her best friend's widower means to a maiden aunt. You bet.

"Red and me differs there, I know, but his idees gets sifted through that crop of red alfalfa he wears, whilest I present a clean proposition to any idee that comes boundin' o'er the lee, or to wind'ard, or any direction she chooses to bound. Yessir; when I begin to feel that life ain't worth livin' give me an enemy or a friend like Pete Douglass.

"It ain't for me to poke no fun at Pete's looks. There's a place where a humarious turn of mind orter stop. Pete's looks was too serious for any man to get comic about. It appeared as if his features had been blowed on to his face by a gale of wind; his whiskers had a horrified expression, like they'd made their escape if they hadn't been fastened on, and he was double-jointed in every point of the compass. When he stood up straight he give you more the impression of sittin' down then a man sick a-bed could. I dunno how it come, but everything old Pete looked like, seemed precisely the reverse.

"The way I got acquainted with Pete was when he put his hard coin agin a French tin-horn's race-track game. There was little horses running around a board, and you put your money where you thought it would win, but you never thought right, because the Dago had a stick under the table that pulled them races to suit his fancy.

"It stood to reason that taking money off'n a man who'd play such a game was inhumanity in the first degree, so when Pete's last dollar departed I entered that horse-race with a gun, just as I had no business to, and I says to the tin-horn, 'Look-a-here, you put that money across the board, or I'll play a tune on you,' and so he shouldn't think I was interferin' out of an idle curiosity, I pointed the weapon at him.

"'O-rrr righ'!' says he; 'Tooty-sweet.' I lost a good deal of patience on the spot. You see, it seemed like he was tryin' to be entertaining. I say, by way of an amoosin' remark, that I'm goin' to play a tune on that tin-horn, and he gayly tells me to toot sweet! Well, I don't want to harrow your feelin's. Anyway, Pete got his money and Frenchy returned to the land where his style of remarks was more appreciated, a little later.

"So Pete, he grasps my hand with tears in his eyes and considerable blood on his nose, where I'd accidently hit him with the Dago, and he says I'm his friend forever, and he'll show me what friendship really means. That's why I'm inclined to say that for rest and recreation I'll take an enemy. Whether our friend and brother, Mr. Douglass, was the luckiest or unluckiest man on earth, I've never been able to figger out. He personally explored the bottom of every old prospeck hole in the country. He was romantic by disposition, Pete was, and loved to go for walks at night. If he didn't turn up for breakfast I took down the coil of rope and proceeded until I found the right hole, because you could bet as safe that he was at the bottom of one of 'em as you could that the bottom itself was there.

"When I asked him, 'How come you to do it, Pete?' he allus answered, 'I dunno; I got to thinkin' about somethin'.' If anything valooable had occurred to Pete, whilest he was in one of them thinking spells, he'd have been one of these here geniuses.

"When a saw mill sent a slab sailin', or bust a belt, Pete was at the center of the disturbed districk. He fell off every foot log in ten miles; why, he was drowned fourteen times in three weeks!

"The bar we was workin' had a tunnel about a hundred foot long. Follerin' the pay streak made us turn at right angles, so it was dark back there. One day Mr. Pete was pushin' the car whilest I got dinner and his candle burned out. He takes a stick of giant powder, puts cap and fuse on it, lights it careful, jabs it in a frame for a candle, and trots for outdoors with the car—never knowin' anything onusual had took place. Just as I slapped the last flapjack and straightened up to yell, 'Come and get it!' here come Pete and the car like magic right acrosst the creek, followed by the most dust I ever see in my life.

"I watched him end-over-ending as he come, and I couldn't get near enough to the happenings to even wonder why.

"He landed on top of a quakin' asp and the car rolled over the dinner.

"I ain't declarin' that I was perfectly reasonable; I was surprised. When I was young and soople I've done twenty-odd foot in a running jump, but to see a man jump two hundred foot and carry a hand-car along with him was a branch of sport new to me, and perticler when done by a man like Pete.

"'Why,' says I, as I climb the tree and helped him down, 'however did you come to do it?'

"'I dunno, Zeke,' says he, 'honest to Gosh'—Pete never used a cuss-word—'honest to Gosh,' says he; 'I dunno. The last I remember was thinkin' why this here law of gravitation couldn't be made to work as a man wanted it, when "bump" says somethin' behind me, and I went right along, as you see. I tried to figger it out, comin', but turning handsprings made me dizzy.'

"These are points to show life as lived by my friend Pete Douglass. His autogeography would be plumb full of happenin's. At first sight, lookin' careless, you'd say, 'Why, here's the most unforchinit cuss I ever heard about,' but on a sober thought, to a man accustomed to havin' sober thoughts, it seemed as if there was luck in the bank, to pull through such performances and live to tell the tale.

"I mentioned this idee to Pete.

"'Why'' says he, 'I should holler horray every time I'm most killed,' he says. 'Is that what you mean?'

"'Look-a-here,' says I, 'I'm able to mean all I'm capable of meanin' without any outside help. I mean you're the great human paradox—less human and more paradox then I've seen advertised at a circus—and whilest you're perpetual dodging one horn or t'other of a dilemma, any friend of yours is getting bunked square between the two. If anything 'ud keep a man from being selfish, you would,' says I. 'D——d if I ain't spent two-thirds of my time and drawed some on the last, fishin' you out of messes. Now,' I says to him, 'why don't you get married and settle up?'

"Dear friends and brothers, that was just a piece of pursyflage. I know women better than any man I ever met that I felt knew less. I've seen wimmen so foolish I wouldn't believe anything more foolish could exist, if it hadn't a-been I'd seen still more foolish wimmen with these same eyes. But a woman who'd marry Pete was beyond my expectations. It took a lady with a turble brain-power and a deliberate intention to arrive at that state of mind; so when Pete says to me, 'That's just what I be goin' to do, Zeke,' he had me swallowing my breath.

"I gathered my fadin' strength and gained perticlers.

"Seems there was a lady 'bout thirty or forty years older than she oncet had been, who did plain washin' for the Royal Soverign Prince boys. The R. S. P. mine was run rather irregular. The boys took the clean-ups for wages, and the owner took the proceeds from stock he sold as dividends. I may mention there was less in clean-ups than there was in stock, so the future Mrs. P. Douglass was buckin' fate in the shape of a brace game. They was an awful nice set of boys, the Royal Soverign Princes, but when you divide thirty dollars and fifty cents amongst fifteen men for a month's wages, the washer-lady can't expect city prices.

"Pete had gained a holt on this lady's affections by falling into the flume and allowin' himself to be piped over the waste-gate. She took care of him for three weeks, at the end of which time Pete arose, renewed, refreshed, and more full of determined uselessness than ever. Any woman will love any man that bothers her enough. A man's idee of romance is to do what he wants to, or to be comfortable; a woman's idee of romance is to feel that she's obliged to do what she really wants to do, under such circumstances as will allow her to call it a great sackerfice, or to be made uncomfortable, which is her real notion of comfort. You have only to look at a woman's housekeepin' to reelize the restfulness she finds in keepin' things disturbed all the time. I have looked upon the housekeepin' of enough Mrs. Scraggses to be able to speak with the v'ice of experience, if not the v'ice of wisdom.

"So Mrs. Maggy Watson, the lady of which I heretofore speak, become unamored of Pete during the time he was such a pesky nuisance around the place, an' when he writ her, later, that he thought they'd orter form a close corporation an' issue the holy bonds of matrimony, why, she writ him straight back again that the scheme had been in her mind for some time, and she'd 'a' mentioned it to him only it seemed like meddlin' in his personal affairs.

"First off, it seems a-kind of unjustitude that a man like me should have a load of Mrs. Scraggses forced on him, whilest a man like Pete gets the kindest and obliginest sort of woman; but after all, I was able to take care of myself, and that bunch of wild cats, too, for a while, and Pete certainly needed a lady with a good disposition. You'll allus find, on investigatin' things, that they ain't a mite worse than you thought they was. Mighty often it is the horny-handed foot of misfortune that kicks a man into the green pastures of prosperity—the only question is: kin he eat grass?

"So it come about with Pete, all along the line. He'd gone and got married so ordinary it wouldn't attracted nobuddy's attention, only he was so overjoyed to find that I took sides with him that he sasshayed gayly forth for firewood and cut himself in the small of the back with the ax. Don't ask me how he done it, It's the only case on record. Pete was thinkin' of somethin' at the time, and could only remember a sudden pain in the back. So Pete was laid on the bed of sufferin' oncet more, him bein' so uset to it he took it without a holler, only this time he thought it was prutty serious.

"'Zeke,' says he, 'I've come to the cash-up so frequent I dunno just what's about to happen, but if it should be I was goin' to die for fair this time, I want Maggy to git my money, and I want you to take it to her.'

"'All right, Pete, I will,' says I.

"'Shack along, then,' says he.

"Pete mixed me some. 'I ain't goin' to leave you like this,' I says.

"'Yes, you be, too,' he says, sassy as thunder. 'The only time I kin git what I want is when I'm sick a-bed. I ain't goin' to rest happy nor do nothin'—not eat nor drink—till I know that woman has the chink. I can't say I've made a great job of livin', but I'm goin' to die like a house a-fire, if so the play comes that way,' he says. 'You put a little grub and water nigh me, and I'll just figger on being a full-sized man for oncet; you don't understand what a power of good it does me to think about it,' says he.

"Well, he had me to a standstill. It was cussed to leave a hurt man all alone, but I could easy appreciate the way he felt. If a man can't take no pride in himself the hull blamed business comes down to shovelin' dirt for nothin'.

"'Pete, I'll do it,' I says, and I shook hands with him.

"'Now, see that!' says he. 'That's the first time you've ever treated me like an ekal, Zeke; and I can tell you I don't like to be pitied no more'n any other man. God knows there wouldn't 'a' been a perter monkey in the bunch, if so it hadn't come I was scart, or thinkin' of somethin' else, when a hot-box arrived. The good Lord took the trouble to make me, and it seems kind of onjustifiable for me to prove He plumb wasted His time. You tell Maggy I done it for her. I ain't hidin' my light under a bushel, because I need it to see by. Ouch!' says he. 'This racket hurts!'

"I reckon it did. I sewed him up with a piece of deer-sinew and a darning-needle. Never was a great hand at tailorin', nohow, and Pete's hide was that tough I mostly had to pound the needle through with a chunk of wood.

"Well, I fixed him comfortable as I could, and prepared to start.

"'Zeke,' says he, 'don't'—he kinder swallered hard—'don't be no longer'n you kin help,' says he. There come a tear in his eye. 'An' take my respects to Maggy,' says he.

"'Shaw, Pete!' says I. 'Now, don't you go borrowin' no trouble—that's so easy to git without collaterial, it ain't worth the time. I'll be back imejate.' I patted him on the shoulder and he squeezed my hand hard.

"'No man could be a better pardner than you be, Zeke,' says he. 'I ain't a mite afraid of nothin' when that bald head of your'n is in sight, an' you understand a feller—it's a tough play for a rooster that don't come by sand natural.'

"'You got plenty of sand, Pete,' says I, 'all the trouble is, you let it git choked in your hoppers. By-by.' And away I went, slopin' fast, with Pete's forty-eight dollars down in my jeans.

"I was so took up with his affairs I didn't watch out careful, and that ain't wise in a hard-luck country. All of a suddent I hears a v'ice say, 'Puttee hands light uppee!' Sounds like I'd struck a day nursery, but that ain't so, for just before I hears them words there popped out from behind a rock a Chinaman—not, by no means, one of these here little Charlie-boys that does your wash and gives you a ticket with picters of strange insecks painted on it, but a whoopin', smashin' old Tartar pirate, seven foot by three, with mustaches like two tails of a small hoss, and cheekbones you could hang your hat on. More'n that, he was armed and equipped with two hoss-pistols as required by circumstances.

"That tired feelin' come over me, and I stretched; yessir, the hands of E. G. W. Scraggs went up toward the sky.

"My yaller friend next requested me to produce. Well, now, that was Pete's money. I'd 'a' took a chance at v'ilent physicule exercises, but I see the time had come to talk.

"'My Christian friend and brother,' says I, 'before we converse upon the root of all evil, let me put you on to the fact that my name is E. G. W. Scraggs.'

"'Ah!' says he, backin' up, 'Sclaggsee!'

"'Sclaggsee!' I hollers, and we near met on the spot. 'Don't you say that agin!'

"'Ah!' says he.

"I noticed his guns was wobblin'.

"'Ah!' says I. 'You're darned right. Now, I'll make you this proposition. I got forty-eight dollars in my pocket that don't belong to me. If we let things slide by as if they had not happened I'll give you two dollars for the use of that money until Tuesday next—pay you fifty dollars next Tuesday, at Jimmy Holt's place—get me?'

"'Gettee money now,' says he, cunnin'.

"'P'raps,' says I, 'but you won't be in condition to spend it for some time.' He rolled his eye off'n me, and at that instant Mary Ann, the faithfullest gun that ever stood between me and a gentleman whose intentions weren't good, appeared upon the scene.

"'Don'tee shootee, Sclaggsee!' he screeches.

"'You call me "Sclaggsee" oncet more, and I won't leave nothin' of you but a rim,' says I. 'As for the other proposition, it goes—Tuesday next. Jimmy Holt's place, I put you in hand fifty dollars, you cock-eyed, yaller, mispronouncin' blasphemy on a heathen idol! Although I ain't been near enough to a cherry tree to cut one down, the word of Ezekiel George Washington Scraggs is as good as the Father of his Country,' says I. 'He beat me at that last game, but I can stick to my sayin' like a porous plaster. You get the money; I will lie for the fun of the thing, but not for no dirty fifty dollars,' says I. 'You goin' toward town?'

"'Yes,' says he.

"'Well, git your plug, and we'll amble along together.'

"So we rode in, right cheerful, instead of quar'lin'. I made him come along to Maggy's cabin, to show it weren't a bluff about the money.



"Poor Maggy, she wipes her eye on her apron, and says she'll start for our camp at oncet.

"I called the Chinaman aside, confidential. "'You take care of lady!' I shrieks at him. 'Lady—you take care!' I dunno why it is you think if you holler loud enough you can make a man understand anything, but it's a fact.

"My chink bobs his head. 'Take clare laly,' he says.

"'Yaas!' says I. 'I rustley monnellee!'

"He bobs his head again.

"'Lusselleemonellee!' he answers, kind of vacant.

"I sot down. 'Twas clear he didn't have no idee of my conversation. So we went over it for two hours, me drawin' maps and wigglin' my fingers, and makin' faces to illustrate a man with an ax-cut in the small of his back, and a lone widder-woman takin' care of him, till at last, by bringin' hands, face, and feet all into the game, with a small hunk of kerfoozled English language here and there, a light broke on his heathen soul. He near bobbed his head off.

"'Me makee all lightee for Sclaggsee, you bettee, hellee dammee!' says he.

"He was that earnest I overlooked the name. 'Good,' says I. 'Now, Charlie, you cut wood, haul water, and keep things goin' out there and your fifty is waitin' for you on Tuesday.'

"Maggy did a crow-hop when she found she had to travel with the chink, but I told her it was O.K., so she got aboard an Injin pony and off they goes to Pete.

"Well, dear friends and brothers, I sincerely hope you've never had to raise fifty dollars in a busted camp. The boys done the best they could, but a can of corn had to stand for fifty cents, and a pair of pants that would take Tartar Charlie somewheres about the knees drew a credit of two-fifty. Four iron knives and a busted coffee-pot stood for a case, and a pair of scissors with one blade broke half off, and a mouth-organ that only sounded in spots, was equal to two iron dollars. I got eighteen fifty in cash and the balance was junk.

"'Well,' says I, 'he's no better'n a road-agent, and I can't help it, nohow.'

"For all that, I sot in Jim Holt's place of a Tuesday afternoon feelin' low-spirited when I looked at the heap, when who comes sailin' in at the door but Tartar Charlie, wearin' a grin that took two turns and a half around his face.

"'Laly comee!' says he. 'Petee comee!'

"'On what?' says I, ashamed to show surprise to a yaller Chinaman.

"'Joss man fetchee!' says he.

"'Certainly!' says I. 'That's what he ought to do; don't get excited.' I did my wonderin' about the joss man in private. 'Sit down, Charlie.'

"So Charlie, he sot down and watched me rifflin' the cards.

"'Playee poker?' says he.

"'As a relaxiation, Charles,' says I. 'Poker is a business for gentlemen of means—gottee nomonee!'

"'Me stakee you,' says he. 'Likee poker.'

"So Jim and some of the other boys come over, and Charlie and me begun to draw cards. After we dubbed through a few deals, gettin' on to each other's play, I see Charlie stow away a pair of aces. Now, ordinarly, I'd complained, but, under the circumstances, it didn't appear to me to be the decent thing to do, so I motioned to Jim, and he slid me a pack with the same sort of backs.

"After that you never in all your borned days see such hands on a poker table. Why, a king-full wasn't worth raisin' back on. A set of fours was the least a man could have confidence in, and only if it was on his own deal, at that.

"Howsomever, havin' a hull pack at my disposal, whilest Charlie could only use his hold-outs, I worked him down to tin cans of vegetables, the busted coffee-pot, and the pants.

"He, bein' as game as any white man, jack-potted the lot. It was just draw cards and show down for the money. Darned if he didn't get the best of me.' How I come to pick out the queen of diamonds to match a straight club flush is one of them things that won't be revealed till Judgment Day. There wasn't nobuddy more surprised than me. This brought us down to even Stevens, and I felt irritated, so I come back at him with one play for the bunch. He agreed, and I dealt him four aces, pat. I was going to draw to fill my straight color. I snaked out the three I had on my knee, and was just goin' to insert 'em where they'd do the most good, when Pete's v'ice says: 'Well, Zeke!'

"It was a joyful v'ice, but I knowed he'd seen my play. I dropped them cards.

"'One minute, Pete,' says I. I called across the table to Charlie, 'Show openers and win!' And when he laid down them bullets I'd give him with my own hands, my heart broke inside me. But I couldn't stand for a crooked play seen by Old Pete.

"I hopped up from the table and shook his hand, I shook Maggy's hand, where she stood, smilin' bashful, and then I shook the hand of a strange gent in black clothes, whose name was Mr. Somethin'-or-other.

"Pete explained to me that the gent was a minister travelin' through the country, who'd offered him and Maggy a ride to town. 'We thought we might as well get hitched at the same time,' says Pete, 'and I sure wanted to see you, Zeke.'

"'Yes,' says Maggy. 'It wouldn't seem right to get married without you bein' there, Mr. Scraggs. To think of what you've done for Pete! And that Charley High-ball there is just the blessedest angel that ever was! Why, he got some stuff in the woods and put it on Pete's back, and made him well in a minute, you might say. And there warn't nothin' he wouldn't do for us. And I'm just the happiest woman ever was,' says Maggy, wipin' her eyes on her apron some more.

"'Well!' says I, brisk, tryin' to forgit that lost fifty. 'Why don't you and Pete sign the pledge right here and now?—how's that, friend?' I asks the minister.

"'Why, ah! says he. 'Ah! It doesn't seem quite the proper place—'

"'What's the matter with this place?' says Jim. He took a great pride in his saloon. He had glass mirrors up that cost him a hundred plunks apiece. 'If you think,' says he, 'that there's a prettier little joint in town than this, why, don't let me keep you.'

"That minister was cut out fer the business. He hedged his bet so quick, I admired him.

"'That's just it,' he says loud and hearty. 'I look upon matrimony as a solemn affair, and I was afraid our friends would be distracted from the seriousness of the ceremony by the surroundings.'

"'Don't say a word!' says Jim, wavin' his hand. 'You have put the next round on me; but I guess Pete and Maggy has had seriousnesses enough, just as she slides—heh?'

"'You're talkin' blue checks, Jim,' says Maggy, through her apron. 'I don't reckon I'll ever get too gay to hurt me, nor Pete, nuther.'

"'Very well,' says the minister—and we had the weddin'. Charlie High-ball burnt punk that smelled strong but fine, and swung his arms, Jim and the rest of the boys sayin' 'amen' every time there come a stop, and all the proceedin's goin' on grand, till the preacher got to the last of it, and then Pete broke in:

"'I copper that statement,' says he. 'I wouldn't run against you for the world, old man, but here I got to. We ain't "man" and wife, for I ain't never been a man since I growed up: Maggy, she's the man and wife both. Say "husband and wife," to oblige.'

"The preacher looked at Pete mighty kind.

"'Husband and wife,' says he. Then Maggy busted out, 'He's the best man that ever lived!' says she.

"'May you live long and happy years together,' says the preacher, and he had a different look on his face—more's if it was a pleasure instead of business he was attendin' to.

"Whilest we stood there, kinder awk'ard, Charley made a high play. He gathered all his winnings in a heap. 'For laly,' says he, makin' her a bow.

"Maggy, she cried. Everybody'd been so good to her, she said, and she weren't able to turn a hand for her part, and so forth, and we was all kind of pleasantly miserable for a while, till Jim sings out, 'Here, this ain't no weddin' hilarity—guide right to the bar!'

"There we all lined up, Charlie High-ball and all.

"'What'll you have, sir?' says Jim, askin' the minister first out of manners.

"'The same as the rest,' says the minister like a man.

"'Mr. Scraggs?' says Jim.

"'Ginger ale, says I. And every man and woman took ginger ale, which is a beverage that 'ud drive a man to drink. Howsomever, we showed that preacher he didn't hold over us, speck nor color, when it come to a showdown. And he savvied the play, too. He watched the line drinkin' its ginger ale.

"'Gentlemen,' says he, 'I'm glad to know you—I think I'll stay in your town a while, but now'—and he kind of twinkled around the eyes—'I hope you will excuse me.' With that he vanished, leaving us to take a little antidote for that there ginger ale.

"And Pete and Maggy? Well, dear friends and brothers, you never saw nothin' like it—they think as much of each other as two men would! And the way Pete can iron a b'iled shirt is a wonder. . . . Yaas; he found his job at last; plain and decorative ironin'. Often I've seen Maggy, holdin' up a batch of clo's, with pride just oozin' out of her, and heard her say, 'There ain't a person in these here United States that kin slip a flatiron over dry-goods the way my Pete kin.'"



VII

THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH

"Once upon a time," said Mr. Scraggs, "there come a profound peace on my household. It was 'Zeke, what kin I give you for dinner to-day?' and 'Zeke' this and that, until I says to myself, 'We're going to have cyclones followed by a heavy frost if I tarry here,' so I pulled my freight to Arizona, till this unnatural condition of things passed away. I understand Mrs. Scraggs in her war-paint, but Mrs. Scraggs with her eyes uprolled to Heaven and a white dove perched on each and every ear is a thing I'm not goin' to witness the spoilin' of, if I kin help it.

"I loafed around a little town, wearin' the counters shiny, entertainin' myself every minute by wonderin' what in thunder I'd do with the next one, till Fate, that's always seemed ready and eager to butt into my affairs, sent me down to the railroad station one morning.

"There got off'n the train a little stout man, with a clean baby skin and clean baby eyes. He looked as if he'd got born into this wicked world with a bald spot, gray side-whiskers and a pair of gold-rimmed specks. He made me feel sad—not that he weren't cheerful enough, but his rig was that of a parson, and a parson naturally reminded me of matrimony, and there was only one thing worse than loafing around Jim Creek, and that was matrimony. 'Yes,' I says to myself, lookin' at that nice, clean old gentleman, 'he little knows the trouble he's made in this world. And yet,' thinks I, willing to be square, 'I don't know as you could have kept 'em apart, even if there weren't no ministers. Man is born to trouble as a powder-mill is to fly upward. Male and female He made 'em, after their kind; and it's only reasonable that they've been after their kind ever since. And more'n that, that gentleman would have checked my wild career—he'd have held me down to one. So why should I wish to walk on his collar?'

"Whilest I was Hamlettin' to myself like that the old boy talked to the station agent. Billy leaned on the truck and pointed to me. 'There's your man right now,' says he; 'Mr. E. G. Washington Scraggs, the most famous guide and hunter in Arizona. I ain't got a doubt you can secure his services,' and off goes Billy.

"Railroad men get used to takin' life on the run, from eatin' to jokes. Bill never waited to see the effect of his little spring on me.

"My friend comes up to me. 'Is this Mr. Scraggs?' he says.

"'I am a modest man by nature,' says I; 'and yet I cannot deny it.'

"He made me a bow. I made him a bow.

"'I am told, Mr. Scraggs,' says he, 'that you are a celebrated guide and hunter?'

"'If you go through this land believing all that's told you,' says I, 'you'll have a queer sensation in your head. However, I can do plain guiding and hunting, all right. What am I to guide, and who am I to hunt?'

"'I shall explain to you," says he, taking off his specks and tapping his hand with 'em—he was a nice, home-raised old gentleman, but he sure did think his own affairs was interesting. 'It is this way,' says he: 'my ministerial labors have—er—exhausted, that is to say, prostrated me. My physician insisted I should come to this climate, where I am told it is exceedingly dry and healthful, and live entirely out-of-doors; to return to our healing mother, Nature; to salute the rosy youth of Morning from a couch of sod, to bid farewell to Day from some yearning height, far from the petty madness of cities—what did you say, Mr. Scraggs?'

"'I said "Ya-a-s,"' says I, quick, because I'd forgot myself a trifle.

"'Ah!' says he, waving his specks in enthusiasm. 'The abiding peace of a life like yours!—I beg your pardon?'

"'I have an attack of this here bronco-kitus,' says I. 'I cough almost like conversation—go on.'

"'To live,' says he, 'in the great peace of these enormous spaces—to spread God's clean sky above you and pass into a sleep where this sweet air shall hush me through the night, like the wind from angels' wings. With what a sick longing have I looked for this!

"'That's it!' says I. 'Pardner, you've struck it. There ain't one man in a thousand thinks of tuckin' the sky around him when he turns in, but many a time when I've shoveled the last batch of centipedes and tarantulas into the fire, petted a side-winder good-night, and fired a farewell shot at a scalplock vanishin' over the hill, I've thought that same thing. Oh! the soothin' gooley-woo of windin' yourself up in a bright-colored sunset and lyin' down to peaceful dreams! I sleep too hard to remember about the angels' wings.'

"I spoke so earnest he swallowed me whole. 'Centipedes and tarantulas,' says he, musin' (evidently he hadn't figured on 'em); 'an' what is a "side-winder," Mr. Scraggs?'

"'A "side-winder," sir,' says I, 'is a rattlesnake who travels on the bias, as I've heard my wife remark about her clothes—he's a kind of Freemason; he lets you in on the level and out on the queer."

"'Rattlesnake?' says he; 'ha—hum—rattlesnake, yes, yes, yes—not dangerous, I hope?'

"'Oh, no!' says I. 'He bites you up somewhat, but it's only play.'

"Right here he got off a joke. It took some time—I see it comin.'

"Rather dangerous play, that, Mr. Scraggs, heh?' says he. 'Ha, ha, ha!'

"Well, I reckon I enjoyed that joke as much as he did—the two of us laughed for five minutes. But, somehow, he looked so simple and innocent and foolish, my heart bucked on guyin' him. There wasn't no bad pretensions about him; it was only that the old ladies had told him he was a wonder so long, he'd been more'n a man if he hadn't come to believe it—it's pretty medium hard to keep to cases under them conditions. That's what made him cough so deep and important, and stand there with a frown on his brow, lookin' as if he knew a heap more than he could understand.

"I side-stepped. 'I gather,' says I, 'you want to go campin',' and you want me to pilot you?'

"He just beamed on having the puzzle solved so simple, 'That's it exactly,' says he.

"'I guessed it almost from the first,' says I. 'Well, we want a team and blankets and a camp kit; that'll cost something.'

"'It isn't a question of cost,' said he, pulling out a cucumber and skinnin' much money off the top of it. 'You take that and secure what we need.'

"'I'll do what's right by you,' says I, and meant it. That afternoon the Rev. Percival Mervin and Mr. E. G. W. Scraggs pulled out with a team of mules for parts unknown. I had no more idee what kind of land we were runnin' into than Percival himself; howsomever, one country's a great deal like another, after all. But I gave him the history as we journeyed—oh, sure! Hadn't he come out for pleasure?

"'There,' says I, p'inting with the whip, 'is Dooley's Pillar, so called because a man by the name of Dooley, helped only by his widow, stood off eight ravagin', tearin' savages there for three weeks.'

"'Good-ness gra-cious!' says Percival. 'And did they escape?'

"'The Injuns? Oh, yes; they got away.'

"'No, I mean the Dooleys.'

"'Yes, they got away, too; everybody got out all right—only the name stayed.'

"'I should have thought there would have been bloodshed,' says he, astonished and a little disappointed, too, for all he was such a kind-hearted little man.

"'It come mighty near it,' says I; 'mighty. The only reason there weren't was because the Injuns couldn't get at 'em—don't you notice that cliff at the bottom?'

"'Yes.'

"'Well, that goes completely around, and it ain't climbable, so the Injuns had to stay down.'

"'I see,' says he; and we rode three mile before he said: 'But how did the Dooleys get there?'

"'They was ketched by a tornado in Sore-toe Canon, over yonder,' says I, 'and blowed right to the top—the Injuns chasin' 'em horseback and shootin' at 'em on the wing.'

"Percival he cleaned his glasses, looked hard at Dooley's Pillar, and give me his honest opinion.

"'It,' says he, 'is very remarkable.'

"I looked at him. It was; but too much like taking a loan out of a blind beggar's hat. 'F I'd been a decent man I'd quit. There was a fatal fascination about Percival, though—you wondered how much he would swaller—kind of spurred you up to heave something at him he'd see wasn't so. It needed a better man than me to do it. You never in all your life heard of such things as took place along that route. As he said, it made him glad to think he'd got holt of a man who had the history of the country at his fingers' ends.

"He showed nothing but a thirst for information when I pointed out Grant's Leap—the place where General Grant hopped to safety with three Apache arrows sticking in the fulness of his pants.

"'Why!' says Percival, 'I never heard that General Grant was out in this country.'

"I shook my head wise. 'No,' says I; 'he kept it dark.'

"'Nothing against his good name, I hope?' says he, anxious.

"'Not at all,' says I, warm. 'He done it to oblige a friend—it was told me in confidence, so I can't say more.'

"Just then we made a turn that brought Grant's Leap into better view. I'd thought it was a narrer slit, but it 'ud be a good horse-pistol that could carry across.

"'General Grant must have been very agile as a young man,' says Percival.

"'Not at all,' says I. 'It ain't mor'n fifty feet, and that was before he was all wore out runnin' for the Presidency.'

"'Oh, I see,' says Percival. 'Don't think I meant to doubt you.'

"'I didn't,' says I, my conscience biting me again.

"There was no help for it, though; he had to have a story of every queer-looking hole, rock, tree, or mud-puddle we saw. There was one spooky-looking tree, dead on one side. 'Now,' thinks I, 'I shall lay you out and quit.'

"So I told him about how the vigilantes had wrongly suspected a man who peddled rubber hose of a murder, overtook him under that very tree, and, lacking rope, strung him with a section of his own goods, riding away without a look behind them. When the poor lad was yanked off the horse the hose stretched so his feet touched the ground: he gave a jump, went up high enough to loose the strain, swallowed a mouthful of air, and so forth. His hands being strapped behind him he couldn't help himself, but for three days he hopped up and down there, securing light refreshment by biting the leaves off the tree, which, strange to say, never put out green leaves on that side again.

"'And then he was rescued? Who did it?'

"'He was—the vigilantes did it. The reason they suspected him was that they found a receipted bill for fifty feet of garden hose in Ike's, the murdered man's, pocket. Knowing perfectly well that Ike never paid a bill in his life, that looked suspicious, but when they come to look at it closer they see the bill was made out to another man, and they hustled back. The pedler was game, though weary. They raised an ax to free him, but he hollers—one word to the jump—"Don't—waste—too—much—hose!"'

"Percival put his hand on my shoulder. I thought my little effort would receive at least a smile, and was preparin' to join in, when he says:

"'Think of the state of that innocent man's mind for those three days!'

"Well, I tried to, to oblige Percival, but I just naturally couldn't; if it hadn't been a nut come loose under the wagon there'd been nothing left for me but to die right there.

"Only one thing marred the trip. We run across a man who asked where we was going.

"'Oh, out a little way!' says I.

"He looked at Percival. 'Here a minute!' says he. I went over to him. 'Look out for your eye!' he whispered. 'The 'Paches are up.'

"Well, I never paid any more attention to a man predictin' Injun troubles than I do to a farmer's kickin' about the weather, so I thanked him and we strolled on. I explained to Percival that the man was the well-known desperado, James Despard, of the Bloody Hand, and he was askin' me if I'd met any of his enemies.

"'He didn't look fierce,' says Percival.

"'That's his lay,' says I; 'he goes up to a man and don't look fierce, and the first thing you know there's a funeral.'

"About sunset we hit the place we aimed for: a nice, high spot with a pool of water, overlooking the valley for miles. It was straight on three sides, and a hard pull for the mules on the other; but a patch of grass to the back, timber handy, and the lookout it gave you, together with the water, made it worth the climb. Besides, it was the very spot where the Roosian Prince Porkandbeansky camped, time I guided him ten years before. I told Percival all about the Prince whilest I was cooking supper, thus giving him a line on the proper way to behave. It was enough to say the Prince done so-and-so—or didn't—to bring Percival into line easy for the rest of the trip.

"Well, we couldn't get under that blue coverlid of Percival's any too quick that night. I didn't mind a blanket thrown in, nor him, neither, for it was colder'n sin. We was good and tired. Broad sun-up when we woke.

"Percival, he flew around like a cock-sparrer. Happy! The Lord save us! He sung little hymns, and trotted every step he took, his sun-burnt little nose gleamin' with joy. It done you good to look at him. I took as much pride in him as though he was my sister's eldest—taught him to do this and that, till he was fit to bust with the glory of bein' such a camper. And forty times a day he'd explain to me how glad he was that I'd been his guide; how much he'd have missed otherwise. I suppose them yarns I told him had added to his romantic ideas about living uncomfortably out-of-doors, but every time he said it I felt mean again.

"Still, Satan mischief always finds for idle hands to do. After about five days of loafin' I turned the conversation to the uncertainty of things in general; we talked a good deal about it. I gradual come to particulars, and producin' a pack of playin'-cards, proceeded to show Percival how odd five of 'em dealt at a time would come out. He was interested, and I suggested that he sh'd take five, too, and he did; and the first thing you know I had everything that Percival owned, owin' to his misjudging the way them cards would fall. Then we divided again and went at it. At the end of the next week I was proud of Percival. He fronted me out of a plump jackpot without a tremble of a gray whisker, but, to save me, I couldn't get him to play cards. He said it was wicked and led to gamblin'—I dunno but what he's right at that. We had lots of fun with the Uncertainty of Things, anyhow, and saved our morals.

"At the end of three weeks us two was twin brothers. Old Percy told me in confidence he hadn't had a real friend for years before. And I liked him, you bet. We all has got our faults—why, even Mrs. Scraggs isn't free from 'em—but you scratch them off the top of Percival and you found a white man—the most trusting little critter in God and man, the kindest-hearted and the best-natured that ever lived. Honest, I couldn't sleep nights sometimes, thinking of the lies I told him, and if I'd never slept I couldn't 'a' quit—it was like leaving a starvin' nigger in charge of a hencoop.

"So things ambled along—not a jar. No rain, no crawling thing to spoil our fun, till one day just before dinner—Percy and me sittin' there with the blankets between us and our beans counted out at the side, raisin' and cross-liftin' each other, him having drawed one card whilest I took two to a pair of tens and a kicker, and made four tens—a shadder fell on the blanket. Percy was too busy wondering whether he'd better see my last raise to notice, but your Uncle Zeke has lived so long in lonesome and sometimes unhealthy places that the chill of that shadder, comin' so noiseless and unexpected, fell on his soul. Before I raised my eyes I looked at the shadder close; yes, there was a gun, and it was also an Injun.

"There ain't anything an Injun likes better than to sit tight and enjoy a cinch. He won't kill you as long as he can get some fun out of you.

"I ain't savin' what I felt, but old pink-and-white Percival was there, babe in the woods dependin' on me, and me covered by an Apache rifle!

"'How!' says I, throwin' it careless over my shoulder.

"There was a still second. Then the Injun answers, 'Huh!'

"Percy looked up, pleased and surprised.

"'Why, there's an Indian!' says he.

"'Go on with the game,' says I, cross. 'Don't stare at him—he has feelin's.'

"Percy got red. 'I beg your pardon!' he says to the Injun—then to me: 'What does he want?'

"I made up my mind Percy wasn't goin' to be scart if I could help it. If he had to go let him go quick, without waiting. They made me wait once, and while it didn't come to nothing, I don't think I should ever really care for it.

"'He wants to rassel me,' I answers. 'Great people for sports, Injuns, and curious how they go at it. He expects me to surprise him—let's see, how many have you got there?'

"I bent over, to get my legs loose, so I could jump, and also to get a quick peep at circumstances. There wasn't but the lone buck. I worked the cat racket. You know how a cat does? She sits still, thinkin' 'I'm goin' to move fast in a minute—I sure am goin' to move fast in a minute,' until she gets such a head of steam on, she's off before she knows it. That's just what I done, exactly. I was all over that Injun, kicked his gun out of reach and heaved him over the steepest side before you could say 'Keno.'



"Percy was surprised and displeased. He put on his specks and trotted quick to the edge.

"'Washington,' says he, 'you have hurt that man!'

"'Oh, I guess not,' says I. 'He's used to this country.'

"I hadn't hurt him half as much as I'd liked. If you slapped a white man straight down a hundred foot on top of a pile of rocks he'd depart like a Christian, but my red friend and brother promptly wriggled off behind the boulders.

"I dassen't shoot. There might be a twenty of 'em in hearing, and, besides, no need of worryin' poor Percy, trustin' E. G. W., any sooner than I had to.

"'It seems to me, Washington,' says Percy, 'that's very rough play.'

"'Percy,' says I, 'as you may have read, an Injun don't care so much about being hurt as he does for supportin' his family pride. If I'd only chucked him fifteen foot or so he'd thought I didn't respect his powers of endurance proper, and like enough wouldn't 'a' spoke to me if we met.'

"'Well, of course, you know all about these things,' he says. 'But to me it is very surprising.'

"'Percy,' says I to him again, real earnest, 'if a man took note of all the things in this world that are surprisin' it wouldn't be no time before every tree in the forest looked like an exclamation mark to him.'

"'I suppose,' says Percy, waggin' his head, wise, 'that's quite true.'

"And if there'd been fifty million Injuns ready to fricassee us the next minute I couldn't 'a' helped havin' another attack of that bronco-kitus that troubled me so.

"But your Uncle Zeke wasn't so cussed hilarious for the next four days. I expected that Injun back with his friends every minute, and what with watchin' all night and joshin' Percy all day I was plumb wore out. He made me kind of mad by not noticin' things was wrong, although that's the impression I'd labored to create upon him, as he'd say.

"The Injun didn't come, and he didn't come till I got mad at him, too. How was I to know that he finished up my idee by fallin' over, further down? So I fumed and I fussed, and I yearned inside of me to get square with somebody. And at last my chance come.

"Afternoon, hot and clear as usual. Percy asleep under a rock, and then, horses' footsteps! I jumped for the edge, and, boys, for a minute my sight give out. It wasn't Injuns; it was a lot of Uncle Sam's durned soldiers. I never expected to be so glad to see a soldier; I thought I despised 'em.

"I looked at 'em for a full half minute, thinking,' God bless old Percy's blistered nose, he's safe!' and then I done what I hadn't orter did out of that, desire to get even. I slid down the mountain and whanged away over their heads. It was like pokin' your finger in a hornets' nest. Up comes them soldiers, workin' the finest of Injun sneaks up the hill. If there ever was a grand sight in Nature it's a two-hundred-pound soldier entirely concealed by a rock twice the size of my fist.

"Y-a-as, here they come; and I flitted my red handkercher like it was a 'Pache's head-dress, leadin' 'em on to where Percy was. I got there first and crawled into a cave where I could watch. I looked at Percy, sleeping, remarkin' 'whooo-whisssh!' at regular intervals, his little baby face surrounded by his white handkercher, his little fat hands folded on his little fat stomach, and I could scarcely wait for the time when them soldiers' eyes should fall upon their treacherous, fierce, and implackibble foe.

"The lieutenant was a kid, just gradooated—one of the kind that thinks it's glorious to get killed and read about it in the papers. He led his men into the simple quiet of our camp, crouched and tur'ble, a gun in each hand . . . and there was the United States army and there was the sleepin' Percy, face to face!

"'What . . . !' says the lieutenant, falling back ten foot. 'What . . . !' says he, falling back twenty feet and losin' his voice. 'What . . . !'says he, gatherin'himself; 'what is this?

"And then I come out of the cave and rolled on the ground.

"The lieutenant walked over and patted me on the back with a rifle-butt.

"'What d'ye mean, you s-c-c-coundrel!' he says. 'Stop that laughing or I'll shoot the pair of you!'

"I come to quick when I heard that. 'Look a' here, young feller,' I says, 'you can beat me as much as you feel like, but if you make a crooked play at Percy I'll wrap you up in your diploma and send you home to your ma.'

"It just happened their half-breed scout knew me.

"'I wouldn't rile Mr. Scraggs, Lieutenant,' says he; 'it's bad luck.'

"Of course there was more talk, but the lieutenant was a good enough kid, and when he see all the boys laughin' he give in and smiled himself.

"'Well, you long-legged statue of melancholy,' says he, 'I suppose I'll have to let it go, but I'll shoot you, sure as there is shootin', if you ever play a trick like that on me again. What kind of a fool are you to stay here in the middle of an outbreak, anyhow? Now wake up your friend and come with us.'

"'Thanky,' says I; 'but hold—is the road safe to town?'

'"Sure; we've cleaned 'em, all but one bunch.'

"'Well,' says I, 'then Percy and me'll just amble back together the way we come. I don't want him to know nothing about any trouble.'

"After chewin' for a while he consented, and away went the army.

"So bimeby Percy woke up and said he'd had a nice nap and felt refreshed and—um—invigorated, and him and me went back to town, and he never suspicioned ther'd been an Injun risin', soldiers nor nothin'. I have felt like offering one hundred dollars' reward to the person who'd produce something that Percy would suspect. And whenever I think of that my spirits lift to that extent I could almost go out and get married again.

"And this here ticker I set great store by, because it come from Percy and says inside of it, 'To E. G. Washington Scraggs, in memory of our beautiful friendship, from Percival Mervin'—and that to a tough old Mormon like me! Well, he was one darned nice little man."

THE END