"Sideways, ma'am. Try sideways," the conductor shouted helpfully.

"Oh, drat the feller," panted the old lady. "I ain't got no sideways."

"Excuse me, madam, would you mind walking the other way and not passing the horse?" said an English cabman, with exaggerated politeness, to the fat woman who had just paid a minimum fare, with no fee.

"Why?" she inquired.

"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carrying for so little money 'e'll 'ave a fit," was the freezing answer.



CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS

The Stamp of Learning

"Pa, what's a postgraduate?"

"A fellow who graduates from one of those correspondence schools, I suppose."



COSMOPOLITANISM

JOE—"'Ere, Curly! You know everything-what's a cosmopolitan?"

CURLY—"Well, it's like this-suppose you was a Russian Jew livin' in England married to a black woman an' you'd just finished a bit of Irish stew an' was smokin' an Egyptian cigaret, while a German band outside was playin' the Blue Bells o' Scotland—you'd be a cosmopolitan."



COST OF LIVING

"He has got the first dollar that he ever earned!"

"What a bally ass! Think how much more he could have bought with it had he spent it then!"

"She says she prefers to do her shopping by telephone."

"Why so?"

"Says she can't bear to see how little she is getting for the money."

"How's business?"

"Not too good—thanks to some dishonest rascals who are selling goods at reasonable prices."

"Did you try the simple plan of counting sheep for your insomnia?"

"Yes, doctor, but I made a mess of it. I counted ten thousand sheep, put 'em on the train, and shipped 'em to market. And when I'd got through counting the money I got for them at present prices it was time to get up."

"Father, I need a new riding habit."

"Can't afford it," he growled.

"But, father, what am I to do without a riding habit?"

"Get the walking habit."

In these days of the high cost of living the following story has a decided point:

The teacher of a primary class was trying to show the children the difference between the natural and man-made wonders, and was finding it hard.

"What," she asked, "do you think is the most wonderful thing man ever made?"

A little girl, whose parents were obviously harassed by the question of ways and means, replied as solemnly as the proverbial judge:

"A living for a family."

"Why don't you move into more comfortable quarters, old man?"

"I can't even pay the rent on this miserable hole."

"Well, since you don't pay rent, why not get something better?"

MRS. HOMESPUN—"What'll we contribute to the minister's donation-party?"

FARMER HOMESPUN—"Wal, I dunno, Hannar! Taters is 'way up, pork is 'way up, fowl is 'way up—we'll save money by giving him money."

A farmer, the other day, took a plowshare to the blacksmith's to be sharpened, and while the blacksmith worked the farmer chuckled and bragged about a sale of hogs he had just made.

"Them hogs was only eight months old," he said, "and none too fat, nuther; but I seen that the buyer was at his wits' end, and by skilful jugglin' I boosted up the price on him just 300 per cent. Yes, by gum, I got three times more for them hogs than I uster get before the war."

The plowshare being done, the farmer handed the smith 50 cents.

"Hold on," said the smith, "I charge $1.50 for that job now."

"You scandalous rascal!" yelled the farmer. "What do you mean by treblin' your price on me? What have you done it for?"

"I've done it," said the blacksmith, "so's I'll be able to eat some of that high-priced pork of yours this winter."

OLD DAME—"You've had two penn'orth of sweets, my little man, but you've only given me a penny."

THE LITTLE MAN—"Yes, but farver says one penny's got to do the work of two in war-time."—Punch.

"Of course you have your little theory about the cause of the high cost of living?"

"I have," replied Mr. Growcher: "too many people are trying to make political economy take the place of domestic economy."

HE—"Yes, I certainly like good food, and always look forward to the next meal."

SHE—"Why don't you talk of higher things once in a while?"

HE—"But, my dear, what is higher than food?"—Life.

A certain judge, after passing sentence, always gave advice to prisoners. Having before him a man found guilty of stealing, he started thus:

"It you want to succeed in this world you must keep straight. Now, do you understand?"

"Well, not quite," said the prisoner; "but if your lordship will tell me how a man is to keep straight when he is trying to make boths ends meet, I might."

And another trouble with the country is that too many are trying to satisfy a bricklayer's appetite on a school-teacher's salary.

SMALL BOY (much interested in shopman's reason for high price of eggs)—"But, mummy, how do the hens know we're at war with Germany?"—Punch.

"Don't you object to all this talk about the high cost of everything?"

"Not at all," replied the profiteer. "It prepares the mind of a customer for what he may expect and saves argument."

"How's this, waiter? You've charged me two dollars and a half for planked steak!"

"Sorry sir, but lumber's gone up again."

Our Government does not profess to live within its income, but only within ours.

"Farm products cost more than they used to."

"Yes," replied Mr. Corntossel. "When a farmer is supposed to know the botanical name of what he's raisin' an' the zoological name of the insect that eats it, and the chemical name of what will kill it, somebody's got to pay."

Its Friendly Way

"How are we to meet the high cost of living?"

"You don't have to meet it," answered the irritating person. "It overtakes you."

"What are the luxuries of life?"

"Things that were necessities two years ago."

A couple of Philadelphia youths, who had not met in a long while, met and fell to discussing their affairs in general.

"I understand," said one, "that you broke your engagement with Clarice Collines."

"No, I didn't break it."

"Oh, she broke it?"

"No, she didn't break it."

"But it is broken?"

"Yes. She told me what her raiment cost, and I told her what my income was. Then our engagement sagged in the middle and gently dissolved."



COUNTRY LIFE

UNCLE EZRA—"So ye just got back from New York! What's the difference between the city and the country?"

UNCLE EBEN—"Wal, in the country you go to bed feeling all in and get up feeling fine, and in the city you go to bed feeling fine and get up feeling all in."—Life.

Little Mary was visiting her grandmother in the country. Walking in the garden, she chanced to see a peacock, a bird she had never seen before. After gazing in silent admiration, she ran quickly into the house and cried out: "Oh, granny, come and see! One of your chickens is in bloom."

A man living in the heart of London has recently bought a cow, which he keeps in his back-yard. Thirty milkmen have already been noticed looking over the wall to see what a cow looks like.

Little Betty had been greatly interested in watching the men in her grandfather's orchard putting bands round the fruit trees and asked many questions.

Some weeks later, when in the city with her mother, she noticed a gentleman with a mourning band round his left sleeve.

"Mamma," she asked, "what's to keep them from crawling up his other arm?"

A minister, spending a holiday in the North of Ireland, was out walking, and, feeling very thirsty, called at a farmhouse for a drink of milk. The farmer's wife gave him a large bowl of milk, and while he was quenching his thirst a number of pigs got round about him. The minister noticed that the pigs were very strange in their manner, so he said:

"My good lady, why are the pigs so excited?"

The farmer's wife replied, "Sure, it's no wonder they are excited, sir; it's their own little bowl you are drinking out of!"

An enterprising salesman was trying to persuade a farmer to buy a bicycle. The farmer was in town for the day, and had determined to see everything.

"I'd rather spend my money on a cow," said he proudly.

"But think," said the salesman, "what a fool you'd look riding about on a cow."

"Not half such a fool as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle," answered the farmer.

"Hiram," said the farmer's wife, "what makes you say 'By gosh!' so much and go round with a straw in your mouth?"

"I'm getting ready for them summer boarders that's comin' next week. If some of us don't talk an' act that way, they'll think we ain't country folks at all."



COURAGE

The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked as if he might shake a mean lower jaw.

"Why, Percy," she exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat. "You always swore you would face death for me."

"I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but that darn dog ain't dead."

"Who led the army in that recent expedition?"

"I did," replied General Tamale.

"I thought the attack was led by General Concarne."

"It was I who prevented great loss of life. He led them going forward, but I led them coming back."

A man of courage is also full of faith.—Cicero.

Courage consists not in blindly overlooking danger, but in seeing it and conquering it.—Richter.

Few persons have courage enough to appear as good as they really are.—Hare.

Conscience in the soul is the root of all true courage. If a man would be brave, let him learn to obey his conscience.—Clarke.



COURTESY

"How do you like your new music-master?"

"He is a very nice, polite young man. When I made a mistake yesterday he said: 'Pray, mademoiselle, why do you take so much pains to improve upon Beethoven?'"

Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for courtesy.—Emerson.

How sweet and gracious, even in common speech, Is that fine sense which men call Courtesy! Wholesome as air and genial as the light, Welcome in every clime as breaths of flowers— It transmutes aliens into trusting friends, And gives its owner passport round the globe.

—J.T. Fields.



COURTS

A couple of old codgers got into a quarrel and landed before the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."

"I'm willin'," said the other.

"An' I'll law you to the Supreme Court."

"I'll be thar."

"An' I'll law to 'ell!"

"My attorney'll be there," was the calm reply.

In the course of his examination these questions were put to an old negro who was appearing as a witness:

"What is your name?"

"Calhoun Clay, sah."

"Can you sign your name?"

"Sah?"

"I ask if you can write your name?"

"Well, no, sah. Ab nebber writes mah name. Ah dictates it, sah."

MAGISTRATE (to prisoner)—"What is your name?"

PRISONER—"S-s-sam S-s-sissons, S-s-sir."

MAGISTRATE—"Where do you live?"

PRISONER—"S-s-seventy seven S-s-surrey street. S-s-sir."

MAGISTRATE (to policeman)—"Officer, what is this man charged with?"

OFFICER—"Begorry, yer honor. Oi think he must be charged with soda wather."

In one of the Brooklyn courts a recent case required the testimony of a young German immigrant.

"Now, Britzmann," said the lawyer for the plaintiff, "what do you do?"

"Ah vos pretty vell," replied the witness.

"I am not inquiring as to your health. I want to know what you do."

"Vork!"

"Where do you work?" continued the counsel.

"In a vactory."

"What kind of a factory?"

"It vos bretty big vactory?"

"Your honor," said the lawyer, turning to the judge, "if this goes on we'll need an interpreter." Then he turned to the witness again.

"Now, Britzmann, what do you make in the factory?" he asked.

"You vant to know vot I make in der vactory?"

"Exactly! Tell us what you make."

"Eight dollars a veek."

Then the interpreter got a chance to earn his daily bread.

"Uncle Joe Cannon was asked today what he thought of the outlook for the Republican party in 1916, and he answered with a story.

"A black man was arrested for horse-stealing while I was prosecuting-attorney in Vermilion county," he said, "and was placed on trial after being duly indicted. When his day in court came he was taken before the judge and I solemnly read the charge in the indictment to him.

"'Are you guilty or not?' I asked.

"The black man rolled uneasily in his chair. 'Well, boss,' he finally said, 'ain't dat the very thing we're about to try?'"

JUDGE—"Officer, what's the matter with the prisoner—tell her to stop that crying—she's been at it fifteen minutes" (more sobs).

OFFICER—"Please, sir, I'm a'thinking she wants to be bailed out."

See also Jury; Witnesses.



COURTSHIP

If he is clean and vigorous, suitable for you and quite perfect in your opinion; if he is the man you think he is and you want him, don't put him on a pedestal and worship him as an idol.

Be sensible. Wrap him around your little finger and get a ring on the next.

Mother was out, and Sister Sue was putting on her best blouse, so six-year-old Bobby had to entertain Sue's young man. As is the way with his kind, he began to ply the unfortunate caller with questions.

"Mr. Brown," he began, "what is a popinjay?"

"Why—er—a popinjay is a—eh—vain bird."

"Are you a bird, Mr. Brown?"

"No, of course not."

"Well, that's funny. Mother said you were a popinjay, and father said there was no doubt about your being a jay, and Sue said there didn't seem to be much chance of your poppin', and now you say you aren't a bird at all."

Courtship is a bowknot that matrimony pulls into a hard knot.

IRATE PARENT—"No, siree. You can't have her. I won't have a son-in-law who has no more brains than to want to marry a girl with no more sense than my daughter has shown in allowing you to think you could have her."—Life.

The Lover's Farewell

"Oh! fare you well, my dearest dear, Oh! fare you well for a while, I go away, but I'll come back again, If I go ten thousand miles."

"But who will take me out," she sighed, "And who will glove my hands, And who will kiss my ruby lips When you are in foreign lands?"

"Your brother will take you out," he said, "Your mother will glove your hands, And I will kiss your ruby lips When I return again."

Will and Mary had been busy courting for over two years, meeting every night in Hope Street, Glasgow. About a fortnight ago, Will, in parting with his beloved, made the usual remark:

"I'll meet ye in Hope Street tomorrow nicht. Mind and be punctual."

"'Deed, aye, Will, lad," replied Meg, with a merry twinkle in her eye. "We hae met noo a lang time in Hope Street, an' I was jist thinkin' that it was high time we were shiftin' oor trystin'-place a street farther along. Whit wad ye say to Union Street?"

MAUDE—"What makes you think his intentions are serious?"

MABEL—"When he first began to call he used to talk about the books I like to read."

MAUDE—"And now?"

MABEL—"Now he talks about the things he likes to eat."—Life.

"Cheer up, old man! There's other fish in the sea."

REJECTED SUITOR-"Yes, but the last one took all my bait!"—Life.

NEIGHBOR—"Got much money in your bank, Bobby?"

BOBBY—"Gee, no! The depositors have fallen off somethin' fierce since sister got engaged."

"So you want to marry my daughter, eh?" snorted the old man. "Do you consider yourself financially able to do so?"

"Well," replied the suitor, "after a fellow has bought candy and flowers for a girl for a year, and has taken her to the theater twice a week and is still not broke, I guess he can afford to get married."

MR. GOODTHING—"How does your sister like the engagement ring I gave her, Bobby?"

HER YOUNG BROTHER—"Well, it's a little too small;—she has an awful hard time getting it off when the other fellows call!"

MR. SLOW (calling on girl)—"You seem rather—er—distant this evening."

GIRL—"Well, your chair isn't nailed to the floor, is it?"

See also Love; Proposals.



CREDIT

FIRST CREDIT MAN—"How about Jones of Pigville Center?"

SECOND CREDIT MAN—"He always pays cash, so we don't know how honest he is!"

A little girl of eight entered a store in a small town and said:

"I want some cloth to make my dolly a dress."

The merchant selected some and handed the child the package.

"How much is it?" she asked.

"Just one kiss," was the reply.

"All right," said the child as she turned to go, "grandma said to tell you she would pay you when she came in tomorrow."

"Them was nice folk you waited on, Mamie, ain't they?" "No, no, dear! Appearances is deceitful. They didn't have no charge-account. Paid cash for everything."—Judge.

Mr. Butterworth, the grocer, was looking over the credit sales-slips one day. Suddenly he called to the new clerk:

"Did you give George Callahan credit?"

"Sure," said the clerk. "I—"

"Didn't I tell you to get a report on any and every man asking for credit?"

"Why, I did," retorted the clerk, who was an earnest young fellow. "I did get a report. The agency said he owed money to every grocer in town, and, of course, if his credit was that good I knew that you would like to have him open an account here!"

A well-known wholesale merchant, who has a wide patronage throughout the Piedmont region of the South, received the following letter from one of his customers a few weeks ago:

"I receive your letter about what I owes you. Now be pachent. I ain't forgot you and soon as folks pay me I'll pay you, but if this was judgment day and you were no more prepared to meet your Maker than I am to meet your account then you sho going to hell."

The credit, it may be noted, was extended.

"Rufus, aren't you feeling well?"

"No, sah; I'se not feelin' well, sah."

"Have you consulted your doctor, Rufus?"

"No, sah; I ain't don' dat, sah."

"Why? Aren't you willing to trust your doctor, Rufus?"

"Oh, yes, sah; but de trubble is he's not so alt'gether willin' to trus' me, sah."

"My son," said old man Reddit, "Take this advice from me: The less you use your credit The better it will be."



CRIME

Lives of master crooks remind us We may do a bit of time, And, departing, leave behind us Thumb-prints in the charts of crime.—Life.

Fear follows crime, and is its punishment.—Voltaire.

Responsibility prevents crimes.—Burke.

If poverty is the mother of crimes, want of sense is the father.—La Bruyere.

But many a crime deemed innocent on earth Is registered in heaven; and these no doubt Have each their record, with a curse annex'd.

—Cowper.



CRITICISM

A man must serve his time at ev'ry trade, Save censure; critics all are ready-made.

—Byron.

Damn with faint praise, assent with evil leer, And, without sneering, teach the rest to sneer: Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike, Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike.

—Pope.

THE ARTIST—"Dubbins, the art critic, has slated my pictures unmercifully."

HIS FRIEND—"Oh, don't take any notice of that fellow; he has no ideas of his own—he only repeats like a parrot what everybody else is saying."



CULTURE

JIGGS—"Townsen can read three languages."

TRIGGS—"What are they?"

JIGGS—"Magazines, sporting pages and railroad time-tables."

HE—"Not quite a lady, is she?"

SHE—"No—but I should say her pearls are 'cultured,'"

That is true cultivation which gives us sympathy with every form of human life, and enables us to work most successfully for its advancement.—Beecher.



CURES

A Testimonial

DOCTOR—"Did that cure for deafness really help your brother?"

PAT—"Sure enough; he hadn't heard a sound for years and the day after he took that medicine, he heard from a friend in America."



CURIOSITY

"My wife is mourning the loss of a ten-thousand-dollar diamond necklace."

"Why don't you advertise a thousand reward and no questions asked?"

"Well, I could make good on the thousand, but I doubt my wife's ability to fulfill the rest of that contract."

William E. Weber of the First National Bank says a woman came up to his window the other day with a cashier's check for fifty dollars.

"What denomination," asked Mr. Weber in his pleasantest manner.

"Lutheran," replied the woman. "What are you?"



CURRENT EVENTS

MRS. BARR—"Henry, what are current events?"

MR. BARR—"Anything shocking, my dear"—Life.



CUSTOM

Foote, the comedian, dined one day at a country inn, and the landlord asked how he liked his fare.

"I have dined as well as any man in England," said Foote.

"Except the mayor," cried the landlord.

"I except nobody," said he.

"But you must!" screamed the host.

"I won't!"

"You must!"

At length a petty magistrate took Foote before the mayor, who observed that it had been customary in that town for a great number of years always to "except the mayor," and accordingly fined him a shilling for not conforming to ancient custom. Upon this decision, Foote paid the shilling, at the same time observing that he thought the landlord the greatest fool in Christendom—except the mayor.

To follow foolish precedents, and wink With both our eyes, is easier than to think.

—Cowper.

Custom does often reason overrule, And only serves for reason to the fool.

—Rochester.



DACHSHUNDS

An Englishman sat at a New York boarding-house table. One of the boarders was telling a story in which a "dachshund" figured. She was unable for a moment to think of the word.

"It was one of these—what do you call them?—one of these long German dogs."

The Englishman dropped his fork: his face beamed. "Frankfurters!"



DAMAGES

The conversation turned to the subject of damage-suits, and this anecdote was recalled by Senator George Sutherland, of Utah.

A man in a Western town was hurt in a railroad accident, and after being confined to his home for several weeks he appeared on the street walking with the aid of crutches.

"Hello, old fellow," greeted an acquaintance, rushing up to shake his hand. "I am certainly glad to see you around again."

"Thanks," responded the injured one. "I am glad to be around again."

"I see you are hanging fast to your crutches," observed the acquaintance. "Can't you do without them?"

"My doctor says I can," answered the injured party, "but my lawyer says I can't."

"I have come here," said the angry man to the superintendent of the street-car line, "to get justice; justice, sir. Yesterday, as my wife was getting off one of your cars, the conductor stept on her dress and tore a yard of frilling off the skirt."

The superintendent remained cool.

"Well, sir," he said, "I don't know that we are to blame for that. What do you expect us to do? Get her a new dress?"

"No, sir. I do not intend to let you off so easily as that," the other man replied gruffly. He brandished in his right hand a small piece of silk.

"What I propose to have you do," he said, "is to match this silk."



DANCING

The minister was dining with the Fullers and he was denouncing the new styles in dancing. Turning to the daughter of the house, he asked sternly:

"Do you yourself, Miss Fuller, think the girls who dance these dances are right?"

"They must be," was the answer, "because I notice the girls who don't dance them are always left."



DAYLIGHT SAVING

"Is your husband in favor of daylight saving?"

"I think so. He stays out so much at night that I think he'd really prefer not to use any daylight at all."

Young Hopeful, who lives in the suburbs, was very much interested in the adjustment of the time, and on the morning when the clocks had been set back an hour awoke his mother.

"Mother, mother," he called from his little bed, "listen to Mrs. Jones' chickens! They must have forgotten to tell them to set their crow back."

"Well, yes," admitted Gap Johnson, of Rumpus Ridge, Ark., "I've heerd something or nuther about setting the clock for'ards or bac'ards for some reason. I don't prezisely know what. But it don't make no special difference at our house one way or tother for the clock runs about as it pleases till some of us sorter climb up and set it b'guess and b'gosh as you might say. And if we save or lose an hour or two what's the odds? We've got all the time there is anyway."

Geordie Ryton, the village cobbler, bought two clocks, one a grandfather's. He put it in a corner and placed a small nickel clock on the mantel-shelf. The grandfather's clock has not been altered to the Daylight Saving Bill's requirements. "Hoo is't, Geordie," asked a customer, "ye've altered the smaal clock and not the gran'faither's clock?"

"Wey," replied Geordie, "they said the gran'faither's clock's been tellin' the truth for ower sixty year, an' Aa can't find it in me heart te make a liar ov it noo. But the little begger wes made in Jarmany, so it'll be aal reet, he's as reet as can be for that job."

"What is worrying you now?"

"Oh, nothing much," replied the man who is perpetually pensive. "I am merely trying to figure out what has become of all the daylight I saved since we set the clocks forward."

"Jonas," ordered the farmer, "all the clocks in the house have run down. Wish you'd hitch up and ride down to the junction and find out what time it is."

"I ain't got a watch. Will you lend me one?"

"Watch! Watch! What d'ye want a watch fer? Write it down on a piece of paper."



DEAD BEATS

See Bills; Collecting of accounts.



DEBTS

CREDITOR—"You couldn't go around in your fine automobile if you paid your debts."

DEBTOR—"That's so! I'm glad you look at it in the same light that I do."

HARDUPPE—"I really must apologize for looking so shabby."

FLUBDUBB—"Oh, clothes don't make the man."

HARDUPPE—"Still, many a man owes a lot to his tailor."

"Look 'ere—I asks yer for the last time for that 'arf-dollar yer owes me."

"Thank 'evins!—that's the end of a silly question."

A floating debt is a poor life saver.

"Yes," said the world traveler, "the Chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New-year's day."

"So I understand," said the American host, "but, then, the Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before."

OKE—"Would you be satisfied if you had all the money you wanted?"

OWENS—"I'd be satisfied if I had all the money my creditors wanted."

MR. THURSDAY—"Our friend, Dodge, tells me that he is doing settlement work lately."

MR. FRIDAY—"Yes, his creditors finally cornered him."

"How did Cranbury ever manage to get so deeply in debt as he is?"

"I wish I knew. I can't even stand my grocer off for more than a week at a time."

RASTUS—"How much, boss?"

DRUGGIST—"Sixty cents and three cents war tax."

RASTUS—"Boss, Ah done thought de wah was over."

DRUGGIST—"Sure, it is, but we have to pay the debts."

RASTUS—"Boss, Ah always thought de one whut lost paid de debts. Dat's why I fight so hard."

"I was preparing to shave a chap the other afternoon," says a head barber. "I had trimmed his hair, and from such talk as I had had with him I judged him to be an easy-going, unexcitable sort of fellow. But suddenly his manner changed. Out of the corner of his eye he had seen a man enter whose appearance upset him."

"Hurry, George!" he muttered to me. "Lather to the eyes—quick, quick! Here comes my tailor!"

IRATE FATHER—"It's astonishing, Richard, how much money you need."

SON—"I don't need it, father; it's the hotel-keepers, the tailors, and the taxicab men."

See also Bills; Collecting of accounts.



DEGREES

"You college men seem to take life pretty easy." "Yes; even when we graduate we do it by degrees."

—Boston Transcript.

Our British cousins seem to think we have peculiar ways of getting our D.D.'s over here. A London newspaper relates how the congregation of a Southern church, being desirous of honoring their pastor, wrote to the dean of a certain faculty: "We want to get our beloved pastor a D.D. We enclose all the money we can raise at present. Be good enough to send one D. now. We hope to raise sufficient for the other D. by and by."



DEMAGOG

"Father," said the small boy, "what is a demagog?"

"A demagog, my son, is a man who can rock the boat himself and persuade everybody that there's a terrible storm at sea."



DEMOCRACY

ADKINS—"Well, the world is at last safe for democracy."

WATKINS—"Just what is democracy, anyway?"

"A democracy is a form of government where one party doesn't do things as they ought to be done, and the other party tells how much better they would be done if it were in power."

In his first lecture in New York the visiting English writer and wit, G.K. Chesterton, protested against prohibition and other limitations on American freedom. He quoted the phrase from Patrick Henry's address, "Give me liberty or give me death." Then he said:

"If Patrick Henry could arise from the dead and revisit the land of the living and see the vast system and social organization and social science which now controls, he would probably simplify his observation and say: 'Give me death!'"

Democracy means not "I am as good as you are," but "you are as good as I am."—Theodore Parker.



DENTISTS

"Pardon me for a moment, please," said the dentist to the victim, "but before beginning this work I must have my drill."

"Good heavens, man!" exclaimed the patient irritably. "Can't you pull a tooth without a rehearsal?"

Dinah had been troubled with a toothache for some time before she got up enough courage to go to a dentist. The moment he touched her tooth she screamed.

"What are you making such a noise for?" he demanded. "Don't you know I'm a 'painless dentist'?"

"Well, sah," retorted Dinah, "mebbe yo' is painless, but Ah isn't."

DENTIST—"Open wider, please—wider."

PATIENT—"A—A—A—Ah."

DENTIST (inserting rubber gag, towel, and sponge)—"How's your family?"

A young man who needed false teeth wrote to a dentist ordering a set as follows:

"My mouth is three inches acrost, five-eighths inches threw the jaw. Some hummocky on the edge. Shaped like a hoss-shew, toe forward. If you want me to be more particular, I shall have to come thar."

Dentist, speaking to patient about to have a tooth extracted—"Have you heard the latest song hit?"

Patient—"No. What is the title of it?"

Dentist—"The Yanks are Coming."

Returning home from the dentist's, where he had gone to have a loose tooth drawn, little Raymond reported as follows:

"The doctor told me 'fore he began that if I cried or screamed it would cost me a dollar, but if I was a good boy it would be only fifty cents."

"Did you scream?" his mother asked.

"How could I?" answered Raymond. "You only gave me fifty cents."

Mr. Harkins had taken his boy, aged ten, to have an offending molar tooth drawn. When the job had been accomplished, the dentist said: "I am sorry, sir, but I shall have to charge you five dollars for pulling that tooth."

"Five dollars!" exclaimed Mr. Harkins, in dismay. "Why, I understood you to say that you charged only one dollar for such work!"

"Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office."—Harper's.



DEPARTMENT STORES

"I want some shoe-strings, some hairpins, a pair of gloves, and a tooth-brush," the woman said. "I have to catch a train, and have but a few minutes."

"Yes, madam!" the floorwalker replied briskly. "That's the beauty of a department store-get anything you want, right under the one roof! Take elevator to eleventh floor, shoe department, eight aisles to the right from the main passageway, for shoe-strings; hairpins in notions department, east side of basement, three aisles beyond hardware; gloves in women's wear, fifth floor of annex, reached by passageway over street; toothbrush in drugs and toilet-articles department, on balcony, reached by moving stairway, which you will find on your right as you pass the fountain in the florist shop in the center of the main floor."



DESTINATION

Where'er I go, in this far land, The people wish to understand Where I am going. If I knew They would not think my answer true; And if I said I did not know They would advise me not to go.

The new guard was not familiar with a certain railway run in Wales. Came to a station which rejoiced in the name Llanfairfechanpwllgogerych. For a few minutes he stood looking at the signboard in mute helplessness. Then pointing to the board, and waving his other arm toward the carriages, he called, "If there's anybody there for here, this is it!"



DETECTIVES

HOKUS—"How does Sleuthpup rank as a detective?"

POKUS—"Great. You know, he used to work in the repair department of an umbrella factory."

"What has that got to do with being a detective?"

"Why, that fellow can recover an umbrella that has never been stolen."



DETERMINATION

"Thirty years ago," said the man who had traveled to the end of the earth and most of the way back, "I started out, alone, unaided, without friends to help me along, with the intention of making the world pay me the living that it owes me. My only allies were a dollar bill and a determination to make a million more. Today (and he threw out his chest proudly) I still have the determination and fifty cents in change."

When hope seems dim And the worst's in sight, When you've lost your vim, Just hang on tight; Give blow for a blow, And don't give in, Till you've let 'em all know That you tried to win.



DIAGNOSIS

FRIEND—"What is the first thing you do when a man presents himself to you for consultation?"

DOCTOR—"I ask him if he has a car."

FRIEND—"What do you learn from that?"

DOCTOR—"If he has one, I know he is wealthy—and if he hasn't, I know he is healthy."

Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great evangelist had, after two hours' steady preaching, become rather hoarse.

A little boy's mother in the congregation whispered to her son, "Isn't it wonderful? What do you think of him?"

"He needs a new needle," returned the boy sleepily.

The telephone rang and the bookkeeper answered it.

"Yes, madam, this is Wilkins's market."

"This is Mrs. Blank. I want you to know that the liver you sent me is most unsatisfactory. It is not calf's liver at all; calf's liver is tender and——"

"Just a moment, madam, and I'll call the proprietor."

"What is it?" Wilkins asked.

The bookkeeper surrendered the phone.

"Mrs. Blank," he said. "Liver Complaint."

Axel, a Swede in an outfit at Fort Jay, woke up one morning with a desire to loaf. He got put on sick-call, thinking it was worth trying, anyway. At the dispensary the "doc." looked him over, felt his pulse, and took his temperature. Then he said:

"I can't find anything wrong with you."

No answer.

"See here, what's wrong with you anyway?"

"Doc," replied Axel. "That bane your yob."

"Some un sick at yo' house, Mis' Carter?" inquired Lila. "Ah seed de doctah's kyar eroun 'dar yestiddy."

"It was for my brother, Lila."

"Sho! What's he done got de matter of'm?"

"Nobody seems to know what the disease is. He can eat and sleep as well as ever, he stays out all day long on the veranda in the sun, and seems as well as any one; but he can't do any work at all."

"Law, Mis' Carter, dat ain't no disease what you brothe' got! Dat's a gif!"—Everybody's.



DILEMMAS

The house doctor of a Cincinnati theater sometimes tires of his office; hence the following:

One evening an excited usher rushed to the doctor's seat and whispered a brief message. The occupant rose at once and both men left the orchestra hastily and made for the dressing-rooms.

"It's the leading lady," wailed one of the actresses, meeting them; "come this way."

"Have you poured water on her head?" inquired the doctor, solemnly.

"Yes, from the fire-bucket."

"The fire bucket!—what a fearful blunder! Here," and he scribbled a line on a card, "take this to the drug-store and get it filled."

When the leading lady found herself alone with the doctor, she opened her eyes.

"Doctor," she gasped, "you're a good fellow, aren't you? I know you are aware that there's nothing the matter with me. I want a day off, and I don't want to go on in this act. Can you fix it?"

"You bet I can," said the doctor, wringing her hand, sympathetically. "I ain't no doctor. I came in on this ticket."

A lady's leather handbag was left in my car while parked on Park avenue two weeks ago. Owner can have same by calling at my office, proving the property and paying for this ad. If she will explain to my wife that I had nothing to do with its being there, I will pay for the ad.

"Mamma, if a bear should swallow me, I should die, shouldn't I?"

"Yes, dear."

"And should I go to heaven?"

"Yes, dear. Why do you ask that question?"

"And would the bear have to go too?"

A new regulation in a certain coal-mine required that each man mark with chalk the number on every car of coal mined.

One man named Ole, having filled the eleventh car, marked it with a number one and, after pondering a while, let it go at that.

Another miner, happening to notice what he thought was a mistake, called Ole's attention to the fact that he had marked the car number one instead of eleven.

"Yes, I know," said Ole; "but I can't tank which side de odder wan go on."

Dinah Snow was a colored cook in the home of the Smiths. One morning on going to the kitchen Mrs. Smith noticed that Dinah looked as if she had been tangled up with a road-roller.

"Why, Dinah!" exclaimed she, "what in the world has happened to you?"

"Was me husban,'" explained Dinah. "He done went an' beat me ag'in, an' jes' fo' nothin', too!"

"Again!" cried Mrs. Smith, with increasing wonder. "Is he in the habit of beating you? Why don't you have him arrested?"

"Been thinkin' ob it several times, missy," was the rejoinder of Dinah, "but I hain't nebah had no money to pay his fine."

"Yes," said the storekeeper, "I want a good, bright boy to be partly indoors and partly outdoors."

"That's all right," said the applicant, "but what becomes of me when the door slams shut?"—Judge.



DINING

Nocturne

The hour grows late, And hungrily I wait To hear her say Three words—three little words, Yet great Enough to bring completeness to the day.

At last she comes, Cassandra tall and dark— Oh, very dark! A careless tune she hums, And pauses shamelessly to mark How her delay has angered or unnerved The weak among us. Then she snuffles—Hark! "Dinnah am served!" —E.W.B.

"Has Bobbie been eating between meals?"

"Bobbie has no between meals."—Life.

A farmer who went to a large city to see the sights engaged a room at a hotel, and before retiring asked the clerk about the hours for dining.

"We have breakfast from six to eleven, dinner from eleven to three, and supper from three to eight," explained the clerk.

"Wa-al, say," inquired the farmer in surprise, "what time air I goin' ter git ter see the town?"

"Mama, I want a dark breakfast."

"Dark breakfast? What do you mean, child?"

"Why, last night you told Mary to give me a light supper, and I didn't like it."

MOTHER (at the breakfast-table)—"You always ought to use your napkin, Georgie."

GEORGIE—"I am usin' it, mother; I've got the dog tied to the leg of the table with it."



DIPLOMACY

"Father," said the small boy, "what is an overt act?"

"My son, an overt act is something that either compels you to be so rude as to fight or so polite as to pretend you didn't notice it."

"Now, sir," said the persuasive philanthropist, "we want you to be the chairman of the big meeting which we are to hold."

"How much?" inquired Mr. Cassius Chex, wearily.

"I don't quite follow you."

"How much is the deficit that you expect my subscription to meet?"

Uncle Mose owns and operates an "exclusive shoe-shining parlor" in a little Northwestern town, and, as customers are rather scarce thereabouts, he can't afford to offend any of them. But his "parlor" has to be run on a strict cash basis. So when a man a little too well known to Uncle Mose as "slow pay" about town came in to have his shoes shined and suggested to the old negro a desire to pay at a later date, Uncle Mose did some quick thinking.

"I'se sorry, boss; I sure is," he replied with diplomatic suavity; "but I jes' cain't do it. You see, de banker on de nex' cohner an' me—we done made a 'greement dat ef I didn't loan money he wouldn't shine shoes, an' I jes' cain't break dat 'greement."

Diplomacy has been defined as the art of letting someone else have your way.



DISARMAMENT

Were half the power that fills the world with terror, Were half the wealth bestowed on camps and courts Given to redeem the human mind from ERROR, There were no need of arsenals and forts.

—Longfellow.

"What do you think of this disarmament idea?"

"I'm for it. If those people next door will sell their player piano, I'll agree to have my daughter stop taking singing lessons."



DISCHARGE

COMMANDING OFFICER—"Snathy, here is your honorable discharge, you ought to be proud of it."

SNATHY—"Deed ah am Cap. Why in civil life when ah was discharged ah was jest fired."



DISCIPLINE

The principal of a certain school for girls had occasion to speak sharply to one of the pupils.

"Marion," he said, "you've neglected your work shamefully, and you must remain with me an hour after school."

Marion shrugged her thin little shoulders. "Well," she said, "if your wife doesn't mind it, I'm sure I don't."

In a certain public school very advanced ideas are put into practice. No pupil is ever punished in any way, for the individuality of every child is considered too sacred for repression.

One day, soon after her enrollment at this school, little Grace arrived home, her face streaked with tears and her mouth covered with blood.

"My precious! What happened?" cried her mother.

The little girl was soon pouring out her story in her mother's arms. Sammy Gates, it appeared, had struck her and knocked out two teeth.

When Grace had been kissed, comforted, and washed, her father wanted to know how the teacher had dealt with Sammy.

"She didn't do anything," said Grace.

"Well, what did she say?"

"She called Sammy up to the desk and said, 'Sammy, don't you know that was very anti-social?'"

HUSBAND—"You'll never get that new dog of yours to mind you."

WIFE—"Oh, yes, I will.—You were just as troublesome yourself at first."

See also Children; Parents.



DISCOUNTS

SPOKESMAN OF CREDITORS—"Veil, Cohen, we've decided to accept five cents on a tollar—cash."

COHEN, THE DEBTOR—"Cash, you say? Den, of course, I get der regular cash discount?"—Puck.



DISCRETION

WILLIE—"Pa, what is discretion?"

FATHER—"Oh, that's only another name for lack of nerve, my son."

Discretion is the perfection of reason, and a guide to win all the duties of life.—Addison.



DISPOSITION

"Allow me to congratulate you."

"What for?"

"Oh, for just anything—the sunshine, the blue skies, the fact that you are up and about. Isn't that something?"

"No!"

"Then congratulate me for not having a disposition like yours."

"Have you heard my last joke?" asked the Pest, as he stopped the Grouch on the street.

"I hope so," replied the Grouch, as he kept on traveling.

"Why is it, Bob," asked George of a very stout friend, "that you fat fellows are always good natured?"

"We have to be," answered Bob. "You see, we can't either fight or run."

"What a cheerful woman Mrs. Smiley is!"

"Isn't she? Why, do you know, that woman can have a good time thinking what a good time she would have if she were having it."



DISTANCES

The German officer who confiscated a map of Cripple Creek belonging to an American traveler, and remarked that "the German Army might get there some time," should be classed with the London banker who said to a solicitous mother seeking to send cash to San Antonio, Texas, for her wandering son: "We haven't any correspondent in San Antonio, but I'll give you a draft on New York, and he can ride in and cash it any fine afternoon."

At Sadieville, Ky., a tourist called to an old colored man: "Hey uncle! How far is it to Lexington?"

"I don't know, suh; hit used to be 'bout twenty-five mile, but ev'ything's gone up so I speck hit's 'bout fohty now, suh."

"Where do you live in the city—close in?"

"Fairly so—thirty minutes on foot, fifteen by motor-car, twenty-five by street-car, and forty-five by telephone."



DIVORCE

"Binks has married again."

"I knew he didn't deserve that divorce!"

At the present terrific rate of divorce cases, we shall soon need a new reference-book—"Who's Whose."

SOLICITOR (whose client is thinking of getting a divorce)—"Well, you can get it for about twenty pounds; everything done quietly and no publicity."

CLIENT—"And how much will the real thing cost, with lots of publicity and everything?"

WIFE (trying to think of The Hague)—"Let's see, what is the name of the place where so much was done toward promoting peace in the world?"

HUB—"Reno, my dear."

"And are the divorce laws so very liberal in your section?"

"Liberal? Say! They are so liberal that nobody ever heard of a woman crying at a wedding out there."

A divorce suit would not appeal so much to a jury if it was cleaned before it was pressed.

"What are you cutting out of the paper?"

"An item about a California man securing a divorce because his wife went through his pockets."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it in my pocket."—Everybody's.

"Scotsman, married, desires change."—Weekly Paper.

We ought to warn him that the Divorce Court is very congested just now.

To matrimonial speedsters, divorce is just a detour.



DOCTORS

"What is your greatest wish, Doctor, now that you have successfully passed for your degree?"

YOUNG DOCTOR—"To put 'Dr.' before my own name, and 'Dr.' after the name of other people."—Life.

"Who is your family doctor?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not? Don't you know his name?"

"Yes. Dr. Johnson used to be our family doctor but nowadays mother goes to an eye specialist; father to a stomach specialist; my sister goes to a throat specialist; my brother is in the care of a lung specialist, and I'm taking treatments from an osteopath."

A young suburban doctor whose practice was not very great sat in his study reading away a lazy afternoon in early summer. His man servant appeared at the door.

"Doctor, them boys is stealin' your green peaches again. Shall I chase them away?"

The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment, then leveled his eyes at the servant.

"No," he said.

Once an old darky visited a doctor and was given definite instructions as to what he should do. Shaking his head he started to leave the office, when the doctor said:

"Here, Rastus, you forgot to pay me."

"Pay yo for what, boss?"

"For my advice," replied the doctor.

"Naw, suh; naw, suh; I ain't gwine take it," and Rastus shuffled out.

M.D.—"Would you have the price if I said you needed an operation?"

MANNING—"Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't have the price?"—Life.

"How do you pronounce 'pneumonia'?" asked the French boy, who had come to England to learn the language.

His only chum told him.

"That's odd," replied the young Gaul. "It says in this story I am reading that the doctor pronounced it fatal."

Mr. Roger W. Babson says that in looking up appendicitis cases he learned that in 17 per cent. of the operations for that disease the post-mortem examinations showed that the appendix was in perfect condition.

"The whole subject," he adds, "reminds me of a true story I heard in London recently. In the hospitals there, the ailment of the patient, when he is admitted, is denoted by certain letters, such as 'T. B.' for tuberculosis. An American doctor was examining these history slips when his curiosity was aroused by the number on which the letters 'G.O.K.' appeared. He said to the physician who was showing him around:

"'There seems to be a severe epidemic of this G.O.K. in London. What is it, anyhow?'

"Oh, that means 'God only knows,'" replied the English physician.

The fashionable physician walked in, in his breezy way, and nodded smilingly at his patient.

"Well, here I am, Mrs. Adams," he announced. "What do you think is the matter with you this morning?"

"Doctor, I hardly know," murmured the fashionable patient languidly. "What is new?"

"When I was a boy," said the gray-haired physician, who happened to be in a reminiscent mood, "I wanted to be a soldier; but my parents persuaded me to study medicine."

"Oh, well," rejoined the sympathetic druggist, "such is life. Many a man with wholesale aspirations has to content himself with a retail business."

The eminent physicians had been called in consultation. They had retired to another room to discuss the patient's condition. In the closet of that room a small boy had been concealed by the patient's directions to listen to what the consultation decided and to tell the patient who desired genuine information.

"Well, Jimmy," said the patient, when the boy came to report, "what did they say?"

"I couldn't tell you that," said the boy. "I listened as hard as I could, but they used such big words I couldn't remember much of it. All I could catch was when one doctor said:

"'Well, we'll find that out at the autopsy.'"

YOUNG WOMAN (to be neighbor at dinner)—"Guess whom I met today, doctor?"

DOCTOR—"I'm afraid I'm not a good guesser."

"You're too modest. Aren't you at the top of your profession?"—Life.

DOCTOR—"My dear sir, it's a good thing you came to me when you did."

"Why, Doc? Are you broke?"—Life.

"It's a little hard for young doctors to get a start."

"I know. I'm raising whiskers."

"They will help. And I'll loan you some of my magazines for 1876 to put in your anteroom."

PATIENT—"I want to see doctor. Be this the place?"

DOCTOR—"This is where I practice."

PATIENT—"Don't want no person for to practice on me; I want a doctor for to cure me."

FRIEND—"To what do you attribute your rapid rise in your profession?"

SURGEON—"It has been my rule all along never to perform an operation unless I was sure it would be a success either way."

A doctor who had a custom of cultivating the lawn and walk in front of his home every spring engaged O'Brien to do the job. He went away for three days and when he returned found O'Brien waiting for his money. The doctor was not satisfied with his work and said: "O'Brien, the walk is covered with gravel and dirt, and in my estimation it's a bad job."

O'Brien looked at him in surprise for a moment and replied: "Shure, Doc, there's many a bad job of yours covered with gravel and dirt."

"You say this doctor has a large practice?"

"It's so large that when a patient has nothing the matter with him he tells him so."

Why She Objected

An old woman's son was seriously ill and the attending surgeon advised an operation. But the mother bitterly objected.

"I don't believe in operations!" she exclaimed. "Even the Scriptures is agin it. Don't the Bible say plain and flat: 'What God hath j'ined togither, let not man put asunder'?"

REDD—"The doctor said he'd have me on my feet in a fortnight."

GREENE—"And did he?"

"Sure. I've had to sell my automobile."

SPECIALIST—"You are suffering from nerve exhaustion. I can cure you for the small sum of $2,000."

PATIENT—"And will my nerve be as good as yours then?"

In a confidential little talk to a group of medical students an eminent physician took up the extremely important matter of correct diagnosis of the maximum fee.

"The best rewards," he said, "come, of course, to the established specialist. For instance, I charge twenty-five dollars a call at the residence, ten dollars for an office consultation, and five dollars for a telephone consultation."

There was an appreciative and envious silence, and then a voice from the back of the theater, slightly thickened, spoke:

"Doc," it asked, "how much do you charge a fellow for passing you on the street?"

An insurance agent was filling out an application blank.

"Have you ever had appendicitis?" he asked.

"Well," answered the applicant, "I was operated on but I have never felt quite sure whether it was appendicitis or professional curiosity."

"Oh, doctor, I have sent for you, certainly; still, I must confess that I have not the slightest faith in modern medical science."

"Well," said the doctor, "that doesn't matter in the least. You see, a mule has no faith in the veterinary surgeon, and yet he cures him all the same."

A Great Difference

A noted physician, particularly expeditious in examining and prescribing for his patients, was sought out by an army man whom he "polished off" in almost less than no time. As the patient was leaving, he shook hands heartily with the doctor and said:

"I am especially glad to have met you, as I have often heard my father, Colonel Blank, speak of you."

"What!" exclaimed the physician, "are you old Tom's son?"

"Certainly."

"My dear fellow," cried the doctor, "fling that infernal prescription in the fire and sit down and tell me what is the matter with you."

"Father, what is a convalescent?"

"A patient who is still alive, son."

Young M.D.—"Well, Dad, I'm hanging out my shingle; can't you give me some rules for success?"

"Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills very plainly."

MOTHER (after visitor had gone)—"Bobby, what on earth made you stick out your tongue at our pastor? Oh, dear!..."

BOBBY—"Why, muvver, I just showed it to him. He said, 'Littul man, how do you feel?'—and I thort he was a doctor!"

An Irishman coming out of ether in the ward after an operation, exclaimed audibly: "Thank God! That's over!" "Don't be too sure," said the man in the next bed, "they left a sponge in me and had to cut me open again." And the patient on the other side said, "Why they had to open me, too, to find one of their instruments." Just then the surgeon who had operated on the Irishman, stuck his head in the door and yelled, "Has anybody seen my hat!" Pat fainted.

Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours!"

DOCTOR (to patient)—"You've had a pretty close call. It's only your strong constitution that pulled you through."

PATIENT—"Well, doctor, remember that when you make out your bill."

A quack doctor was holding forth about his "medicines" to a rural audience.

"Yes, gentlemen," he said, "I have sold these pills for over twenty-five years and never heard a word of complaint. Now, what does that prove?"

From a voice in the crowd came: "That dead men tell no tales."

See also Bills; Remedies.



DOGS

My Dog

He wastes no time in idle talk. His vows of friendship are unspoken. As in familiar ways we walk, Our musings by no word are broken. Or if, perchance, I voice some phrase (More light and garrulous am I), He answers with a speaking gaze, Half-sister to a song or sigh.

Sweet is the silence of a friend Whose mood so merges with my own, And sad would be the journey's end Were I to pass this way alone. Perhaps the shadows and the dust Some faint reply would frame for me Should I demand if Time were just To merge all waters with the sea.

Thus pondering, a sigh I heave That thoughts my naked soul should flay. Yet dreams of death he bids me leave, And glory in the living day. Before me in the path he leaps. He reads my mood, and bids me, "Come! Sweet Summer's in the wooded deeps!" And yet men say that he is dumb.

—Jack Burroughs.

Frederick was sitting on the curb, crying, when Billy came along and asked him what was the matter.

"Oh, I feel so bad 'cause Major's dead—my nice old collie!" sobbed Frederick.

"Shucks!" said Billy. "My grandmother's been dead a week, and you don't catch me crying."

Frederick gave his eyes and nose a swipe with his hand, and, looking up at Billy, sobbed, despairingly:

"Yes, but you didn't raise your grandmother from a pup."

Dogs and their Friends. (The Greeting)

A thousand velvet eyes aglow with thanks, A thousand tiny paws in welcome waved, An orchestra of barks and neighs and purrs Struck up, and maddest gayety betrayed! Each satin nose will press its owner's hand, Such happiness and frolic will abound When Anti-Cruelty meets all its friends At last, within their Happy Hunting Ground!

—Marie Bordeaux.

Dogs will be dogs. They also serve who only watch at night and bark. Tis better to have loved a dog than never to have loved at all. A little battle now and then is relished by the best of dogs. Hell hath no fury like an angered bulldog. For a dog, all roads lead home. Bark and the whole neighborhood barks with you; hide and you hide alone. Dogs should be trained but not hurt. A buried bone is a joy forever. Fidelity, thy name is Fido. —Edmund J. Kiefer.

A friend may smile and bid you hail, Yet wish you with the devil; But when a good dog wags his tail, You know he's on the level.

The Seven Wonders of the World. (According to Fido)

His master. Meat. Children. Rags. The moon. Being tickled. Fleas.

He was a very small boy. Paddy was his dog, and Paddy was nearer to his heart than anything on earth. When Paddy met swift and hideous death on the turnpike road the boy's mother trembled to break the news. But it had to be, and when he came home from school she told him simply:

"Paddy has been run over and killed."

He took it very quietly. All day it was the same. But five minutes after he had gone to bed there echoed through the house a shrill and sudden lamentation. His mother rushed upstairs with solicitude and pity.

"Nurse says," he sobbed, "that Paddy has been run over and killed."

"But, dear, I told you that at dinner, and you didn't seem to be troubled at all."

"No; but—but I didn't know you said Paddy. I—I thought you said daddy!"

PUP—"Great cats; That's a nerve! Somebody has put up a building right where I buried a bone!"—Puck.

See also Dachshunds.



DOMESTIC FINANCE

LITTLE TOMMY—"What does 'close quarters' mean, Ma?"

WEARY MOTHER—"It's a definition of my trying to get twenty-five cents from your father."

"Ma, what does the 'home-stretch' mean?"

"Making a fifteen-dollar-a-week allowance go around, my son."

WIFE—"Ta-ta, dearie; I'll write before the end of the week."

HUSBAND—"Good gracious, Alice, you must make that check last longer than that!"

"Dearie," said the young married man, "I have to go to New York on business. It will only take a day or so and I hope you won't miss me too much while I'm gone, but—"

"I won't," answered his young wife, positively, "because I'm going with you."

"I wish you could, dear, but it won't be convenient this time. What would you want to go for, anyhow? I'm going to be too busy to be with you, and—"

"I have to go. I need clothes."

"But, darling—you can get all the clothes you want right here on Euclid Avenue."

"Thank you. That's all I wanted."

"I'm just waiting for my husband to complain about my extravagance this month."

"Ready to give him an argument, eh?"

"You bet I am. By mistake his golf-club checks came to the house, and I've got 'em."

"You are not economical," said the infuriated husband.

"Well," flashed his wife, "if you don't call a woman economical who saves her wedding dress for a possible second marriage, I'd love to know just what you do call economy."

"But your fiance has such a small salary, how are you going to live?"

"Oh, we're going to economize. We're going to do without such a lot of things that Jack needs."

"Are you an expert accountant," asked the prospective employer.

"Yes, sir," said the applicant.

"Your written references seem to be all right, but tell me more about yourself."

"Well, my wife kept a household account for thirty days. One night after supper I sat down and in less than an hour found out how much we owed our grocer."

"Hang up your hat and coat," said the employer with a glad smile. "The job is yours."

HE—"My dear, I've warned you before, and now I must insist that we try to live within our income."

SHE—"Oh, very well, if you want to be considered eccentric by everybody in our set."

"Now," said the bridegroom to the bride, when they returned from their honeymoon trip, "let us have a clear understanding before we settle down to married life. Are you the president or the vice-president of the society?"

"I want to be neither president nor vice-president," she answered. "I will be content with a subordinate position."

"What position is that, my dear?"

"Treasurer."

SHE—"When we go anywhere now we have to take the street-car. Before our marriage you always called a taxi."

HE—"Exactly. And that's the reason we have to go in the street-car now."

"My wife certainly makes my salary go a long way."

"So does mine—so far that none of it ever comes back."

"I'm having trouble in supporting my wife."

"You don't know what trouble is. Try not supporting her."

WILLIS—"The Highfliers are going to give up their big house this winter."

MRS. WILLIS—"You must be mistaken. I was talking with Mrs. Highflier only yesterday."

WILLIS—"Well. I was talking with the mortgagee only this morning."—Puck.

In a certain home-missionary movement every participant was to contribute a dollar that she had earned herself by hard work. The night of the collection of the dollars came, and various and droll were the stories of earning the money. One woman had shampooed hair, another had made doughnuts, another had secured newspaper subscriptions, and so on.

The chairman turned to a handsome woman in the front row.

"Now, madam, it is your turn," he said. "How did you earn your dollar?"

"I got it from my husband," she answered.

"Oh!" said he. "From your husband? There was no hard work about that."

The woman smiled faintly.

"You don't know my husband," she said.

"Before we were married, you used to send around a dozen roses every week," said she.

"Roses are easy," replied he. "This week I'm going to send around two tons of coal and a rib-roast."

LANDLADY—"That new boarder is either a married man or a widower."

PRETTY DAUGHTER—"Why, ma, he says he is a bachelor."

LANDLADY—"Well, I don't believe it. When he opens his pocketbook to pay his board he always turns his back to me."

"Hicks promised to give his wife a dime for every one he spends for cigars."

"How does it work?"

"First rate. You see we meet every day and he buys me the drinks and I buy him the cigars."



DOMESTIC RELATIONS

HUSBAND (newly married)—"Don't you think, love, if I were to smoke, it would spoil the curtains?"

WIFE—"Ah, you are the most unselfish and thoughtful husband in the world; certainly it would."

HUSBAND—"Well, then, take the curtains down."

Willie's grandmother had come to visit them.

"Are you mamma's mother?" asked Willie by way of conversation.

"No, dear. I'm your grandmother on your father's side."

"Well," said Willie decidedly (he was an observing little fellow), "all I got to say is you're on the wrong side."

SHE—"Just think of it! A few words mumbled by the minister and people are married."

HE—"Yes, and, by George, a few words mumbled by a sleeping husband and people are divorced."

Two friends met in the Strand the morning after an airplane raid.

"Any damage done your way?" the first asked.

"Damage! Rather!" answered the other. "Father and mother were blown clean out of the window. The neighbors say it's the first time they've been seen to leave the house together in seventeen years."

See also Families; Marriage.



DREAMS

"Mother, wasn't that a funny dream I had last night?" said a little boy who was busily engaged with his breakfast cereal.

"Why, I'm sure I don't know!" replied his mother. "I haven't the slightest idea what your dream was about."

"Why, mother, of course you know!" said the boy reproachfully. "You were in it."



DRINKING

If all be true that I do think, There are five reasons we should drink; Good wine—a friend—or being dry— Or lest we should be by and by— Or any other reason why.

—Dr. Henry Aldrich.

Maybe one swallow doesn't make a summer, but it would brighten it up considerably.

Dangerous Advice

CURATE—"You should be careful! Don't you know that drink is mankind's worst enemy?"

JEEMS—"Yes; but don't you teach us to love our enemies?"

"Pussyfoot" Johnson, whose effort to prohibitionize Scotland failed recently, was discussing his failure with a New York editor.

"Yes, I failed," he ended, "and I'm very sorry. Conditions in Scotland are very bad."

"Did you ever hear the story of the deacon's daughter? This story illustrates Scottish conditions very well.

"The wife of a Peebles deacon took a bath one evening, and as it was rainy, chill November weather, she swallowed a teaspoonful or two of whisky after her bath to keep herself from catching cold. Then in her dressing-gown she went to bid her little daughter good night. She stooped over the child's cot and a kiss was exchanged. After the kiss the little girl drew back sharply, sniffed and said:

"'Why, mamma, you've been using father's perfume, haven't you?'"—Detroit Free Press.

"Now, Sam," said the speaker, "I want you to be present when I deliver this speech."

"Yassuh."

"I want you to start the laughter and applause. Every time I take a drink of water, you applaud; and every time I wipe my forehead with my handkerchief, you laugh."

"You better switch dem signals, boss. It's a heap mo' liable to make me laugh to see you standin' up dar deliberately takin' a drink o' water."

A Washington business man, says the Saturday Evening Post, desiring to test the relative efficiency of two makes of mucilage, handed the bottles one morning to his shiny-faced negro messenger.

"Here, John," he said; "try these and see which is the stickiest."

John did not show up at the office again until about noon-time. He approached his employer's desk somewhat cautiously and gingerly deposited thereon the two bottles of mucilage.

"Well, John," asked the boss, "which did you find the stickiest?"

"It wuz lak dis, boss," was the reply: "Dis one gummed up ma mouf de most; but de other one, de taste lasted de longest."

UNABLE SEAMAN—"When I come around again the surgeon, he says to me, 'I'm blooming sorry, mate, I don't know what I was thinking about,' he says, 'but there's a sponge missin', and I believe it's sewed up inside yer!' 'What's the odds,' I says, 'let it be.' An there it is to this day."

GULLIBLE OLD GENTLEMAN—"Bless my soul! Don't it trouble you?"

UNABLE SEAMAN—"I don't feel no particular pain from it, but I do get most uncommonly thirsty at times, sir."

See also Drunkards; Temperance.



DRUNKARDS

The Lord Mayor of London had been dining pretty well, and Mr. Choate, Ambassador to England, was seeing his Lordship to the door.

"Now, your Lordship, if you will allow me to advise you," said Mr. Choate, "when you get to the sidewalk curb you will see two hansoms. Take the one to the right: the one to the left doesn't exist."

An intoxicated man hailed a cab.

After he had climbed in, the cabby leaned over and asked, "What street do you want?"

"What streets have you?" he inquired.

"Lots of 'em," smiled the cabby, humoring him.

"Gimme 'em all," he said, waving his arm grandly.

After they had been driving for several hours, the man in the cab ordered a stop.

"How mush do I owe you?"

"Seven dollars and fifty cents."

"Well—you better drive back till you get to thirty-fi' shents, 'cause thashall I got."

WIFEY—"I heard a noise when you came in last night."

HUBBY—"Perhaps it was the night falling."

WIFEY (coldly)—"No, it wasn't, it was the day breaking."



DUTCH

BIX—"I see there's a report from Holland that concrete bases for German cannon have been found there."

DIX—"Don't believe a word you hear from Holland. The geography says it is a low, lying country."



DYSPEPSIA

Joy of Eating

A well-known banker in a down-town restaurant was eating mush and milk.

"What's the matter?" inquired a friend.

"Got dyspepsia."

"Don't you enjoy your meals?"

"Enjoy my meals?" snorted the indignant dyspeptic. "My meals are merely guide-posts to take medicine before or after."

"Dyspepsia seldom kills anyone," said Akinside, "but—"

"No," returned old Festus Pester. "It makes them so talkative that everybody else wants to kill them."



EATING

If We Didn't Have To Eat

Life would be an easy matter If we didn't have to eat. If we never had to utter, "Won't you pass the bread and butter, Likewise push along that platter Full of meat?" Yes, if food were obsolete Life would be a jolly treat, If we didn't—shine or shower, Old or young, 'bout every hour— Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat— 'Twould be jolly if we didn't have to eat. We could save a lot of money If we didn't have to eat. Could we cease our busy buying, Baking, broiling, brewing, frying, Life would then be oh, so sunny And complete; And we wouldn't fear to greet Every grocer in the street If we didn't—man and woman, Every hungry, helpless human— Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat— We'd save money if we didn't have to eat.

All our worry would be over If we didn't have to eat. Would the butcher, baker, grocer Get our hard-earned dollars? No, Sir! We would then be right in clover Cool and sweet. Want and hunger we could cheat, And we'd get there with both feet, If we didn't—poor or wealthy, Halt or nimble, sick or healthy— Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat— We could get there if we didn't have to eat.

—Nixon Waterman.



ECONOMY

TOM—"I've seen the girl I want to marry. I stood behind her at the ticket window this morning and she took seven minutes to buy a five-cent elevated ticket."

ALICE—"Did that make you want to marry her?"

TOM—"Yes, I figured out that she could never spend my income at that rate."

BOOK AGENT—"This book will teach you the way to economize."

THE VICTIM—"That's no good to me. What I need is a book to teach me how to live without economizing."

How oft economy grows gay And boasts of its efficient work, When it has merely stopped the pay Of some two-thousand-dollar clerk!

Little June's father had just returned from the store and was opening up some sheets of sticky fly-paper and placing it about the room. June watched a minute and then burst out with:

"Oh, papa, down at the corner grocery you can get the paper with the flies already caught. They have lots of it in the window."

"Well, Albert, I've been acting on your advice. I put a hundred dollars in the bank this month."

"Fine! It isn't so hard, is it?"

"No; I simply tore up all the bills."—Life.

See also Domestic finance; Thrift.



EDITORS

"An editor is a man who puts things in the paper, isn't he?"

"Oh, no, my son; an editor keeps things out of the paper."

The editor of the newspaper in a certain small southern town was given an article to print, praising in very elegant language the life and works of a certain southern colonel.

The colonel and the editor were not the best of friends.

The article came out, but in spelling "scarred," in that very important phrase "battle scarred veteran," one "r" was omitted.

The colonel threatened violence but the editor promised to admit his error in the next issue.

In the following issue, in large type, appeared: "The editor of this paper regrets very much an error in spelling in our last issue. In describing our most worthy colonel, instead of 'battle scared veteran' it should read, 'bottle scarred veteran.'"

That day the editor ceased to edit. His wife was a widow.

A country editor wrote: "Brother, don't stop your paper just because you don't agree with the editor. The last cabbage you sent us didn't agree with us either, but we didn't drop you from our subscription list on that account."

The girl reporter accepted the editor's invitation to dinner and when asked how she enjoyed it, said:

"Oh, fine, but I'll never go to dinner with an editor again."

"Why not?"

"Well, the dinner was fine, but he blue-penciled about three-quarters of my order."

You may know the trade classic about the exchange editor. The new owner of the newspaper asked who that man was in the corner. "The exchange editor," he was informed. "Well, fire him," said he. "All he seems to do is sit there and read all day."

A little boy was given the stunt by his father to write an essay on editors and here is the result:

"If an editor makes a mistake folks say he ought to be hung; but if a doctor makes a mistake he buries it and people dassent say nothing because doctors can read and write Latin. When the editor makes a mistake there is lawsuits and a big fuss; but if a doctor makes one there is a funeral, cut flowers and perfek silence. A doctor can use a word a yard long without anyone knowing what it means; but if the editor uses one he has to spell it. If the doctor goes to see another man's wife he charges for the visit but if the editor goes he gets a charge of buckshot. When the doctor gets drunk it's a case of being overcome by the heat and if he dies it's from heart trouble; when an editor gets drunk it's a case of too much booze and if he dies it's the jim-jams. Any college can make a doctor; an editor has to be born."

Wanted, an editor, who can read, write and argue politics, and at the same time be religious, funny, scientific and historical at will, write to please everybody, know everything, without asking or being told, always having something good to say of everything and everybody else, live on wind and make more money than enemies. For such a man, a good opening will be made in the "graveyard." He is too good to live.

Life in a newspaper office is one compliment after another. "You look so funny when you think," observed the blandishing Miss Harriette Underbill as she passed the given point known as our desk late yesterday afternoon.

COUNTRY EDITOR (to new assistant)—"I shall expect you to write all the editorials, do the religious and sporting departments and turn out a joke column."

ASSISTANT—"What are you going to do?"

"Edit your copy."



EDUCATION

Education—the sum total of all the things we haven't been taught.

WILLIE (doing his homework)—"What is the distance to the nearest star, Auntie?"

"I'm sure I don't know, Willie."

"Well, I hope, then, you'll feel sorry tomorrow when I'm getting punished for your ignorance."

Henry was the neighborhood magistrate. He had been settling a dispute between two blockaders. The one in whose favor the verdict was cast was filled with admiration for the facility with which Henry made out the papers.

"You are one of those 'read' men, ain't you Henry?"

"Yes, I kin read right smart," modestly admitted Henry.

"You been to school, ain't you?" With just pride Henry nodded his head.

"I reckon you been through algebra!"

"Yes, I have," said Henry, "but it was night and I didn't see nothing."

EMPLOYER—"For this job you've got to know French and Spanish, and the pay is eighteen dollars a week."

"Lord, Mister! I ain't got no edication; I'm after a job in the yards."

"See the yard-boss. We'll start you in at forty."—Life.

When James A. Garfield was president of Oberlin College, a man brought for entrance as a student his son, for whom he wished a shorter course than the regular one.

"The boy can never take all that in," said the father. "He wants to get through quicker. Can you arrange it for him?"

"Oh, yes," said Mr. Garfield. "He can take a short course; it all depends on what you want to make of him. When God wants to make an oak he takes a hundred years, but he takes only two months to make a squash."

Doubtless the old woman in this story from the London Post will now be able to enlighten her husband on a troublesome subject.

"Doctor," she inquired of a country physician, "can you tell me how it is that some folks be born dumb?"

"Why—hem!—why, certainly, ma'am," replied the doctor. "It is because they come into the world without power of speech."

"Dear me," remarked the woman, "just see what it is to have a physical edication! I'm right glad I axed you. I've axed my old man a hundred times that there same question, and all he would ever say was, 'Cause they be.'"

PROFESSOR—"So, sir, you said that I was a learned jackass, did you?"

FRESHIE—"No, sir, I merely remarked that you were a burro of information."



EFFICIENCY

After many trials and tribulations Mrs. Timson had managed to get a "maid" of sorts.

"Now, Thurza," said she, "be careful about the water. We only use the well water for drinking, as we have to pay a man to pump it. The rain water is good enough for washing up and so on."

After tea Mrs. Timson asked:

"Did you remember about the water, Thurza?"

"Oh, yes, mum!" said Thurza. "I filled the kettle half full of water from the butt and the other half with water from the well. I thought the bottom half might as well be getting hot at the same time for washing up after tea."

An elderly rancher took some fine Kentucky horses to the West in the early sixties. He was proud of them, and justly so. The old gentleman's son had once seen a teamster lock one of his wagon-wheels in going down a declivity. This precaution appealed to the young fellow's idea of "safety first." He duly reported the occurrence to his father, and begged him to get a, lock-chain.

"My son," said the old gentleman, "if I ever send you out with a team that can't outrun the wagon, let 'em go to hell."

SOLICITOR (to business man absorbed in detail)—"I have here a most marvelous system of efficiency, condensed into one small volume. It will save you fully 50 per cent of your time, and so—"

BUSINESS MAN (interrupting irritably)—"I already have a system by which I can save 100 per cent of my time and yours. I'll demonstrate it now—Good-day!"

The hours I spend at work, dear heart Are as arithmetic to me; I count my motions every one apart— Efficiency.

Each hour a task, each task a test, Until my heart with doubt is wrung; I conservate my darndest, but at best The boss is stung.

O theories that twist and turn! O frantic gain and laggard loss! I'll standardize and stint at last to learn

To please the boss By gum! To please the boss.

"But," he adds, "as in everything else, there are exceptions. There was Boggins, for instance. Boggins was a great efficiency man in the office, but even more so at home. Why, every time Boggins Junior was naughty his father laid him on the floor and spread a rug over him, so that the beating would kill two birds with one stone, as you might say."

A worm won't turn if you step on it right.

Efficiency is an admirable quality, but it can be overdone, according to Representative M. Clyde Kelly, of Pennsylvania.

"Last election day," Mr. Kelly explains, "the city editor of my newspaper in Braddock sent his best reporter out to learn if the saloons were open in defiance of the law. Four days later he returned and reported, 'They were.'"

"Sambo, I don't understand how you can do all your work so quickly, and so well."

"I'll tell yuh how 'tis, boss. I sticks de match ob enthusiasm to de fuse ob yenergy—and jes natchurally explodes, I does."

"Don't be so long-winded in your reports as you have been in the past," said the manager of the "Wild West" railway to his overseer. "Just report the condition of the track as ye find it, and don't put in a lot of needless words that ain't to the point. Write a business letter, not a love-letter."

A few days later the railway line was badly flooded, and the overseer wrote his report to the manager in one line: "Sir—Where the railway was the river is.—Yours faithfully,——."

In Montana a railway-bridge had been destroyed by fire, and it was necessary to replace it. The bridge-engineer and his staff were ordered in haste to the place. Two days later came the superintendent of the division. Alighting from his private car, he encountered the old master bridge-builder.

"Bill," said the superintendent—and the words quivered with energy—"I want this job rushed. Every hour's delay costs the company money. Have you got the engineer's plans for the new bridge?"

"I don't know," said the bridge-builder, "whether the engineer has the picture drawed yet or not, but the bridge is up and the trains is passin' over it."—Harper's.

"Better consider my course in efficiency training. I can show you how to earn more money than you are getting."

"I do that now."

The boy was very small and the load he was pushing in the wheelbarrow was very, very big.

A benevolent old gentleman, putting down his bundles, lent him a helping hand.

"Really, my boy," he puffed, "I don't see how you manage to get that barrow up the gutters alone."

"I don't," replied the appreciative kid. "Dere's always some jay a-standin' round as takes it up for me."—Puck.

MRS. CASEY—"Me sister writes me that every bottle in that box we sent her was broken. Are you sure yez printed 'This side up, with care' on it!"

CASEY—"Oi am. An' for fear they shouldn't see it on the top, Oi printed it on the bottom, as well."

COW—"Can you beat it? There's so much system around here now that they file me in the barn under the letter C."

HEN—"Yes, I have my troubles with efficiency too. They've put a rubber stamp in my nest so I can date my eggs two weeks ahead."



EGOTISM

SMITH—"You seldom see such beautiful golf as that man plays. His drives were corking, his approaches superb and he never missed a putt."

JONES—"How much were you beaten by?"

SMITH—"Why, I won!"

"I" and "Myself" and "Me"

When on myself I sometimes turn My gaze, with introspection stern, Three persons there I seem to see, "I" and "Myself," they are, and "Me."

"I" stands alone with confidence, Pugnacious, quick to take offense, Assertive, masterful and strong, Forever right and never wrong, As Lewis Carroll once avowed, "I" is extremely "stiff and proud."

"Myself" is rather different, A chap who is less confident, Yet full conceited—selfish, too, And steeped in ego, through and through. Though others oft "Myself" decry, He's very, very dear to "I."

Unlike the other two is "Me"; A timid little fellow, he; Self-conscious, given oft to erring, My scorn and pity both incurring. Still, though he's shy as he can be, While few like "I," a lot like "Me."

—Eliot Harlow Robinson.

Many a man thinks he is anxious to please others, when the truth is that he is only anxious that others be pleased with what he does.

I And Me

I wonder just what kind of guy Am I? I guess it's time I took A look inside of me To see— But, gee, I cuss I'm envious of what the other fellow's got, I loaf a lot, And foolish pleasures often buy— That is the kind of sham I am. When things go wrong I growl along And take it out On some good scout Who's not to blame, Whatever came— In fact The luck I lacked (Or luck I had, If mine was bad) Was mostly my Own fault. Why. I Am not a very pleasant guy, The poorest on the human shelf— And, now that I Size up myself, Whatever other folks may see, I do not make a hit with Me.

—Douglas Malloch.



EINSTEIN

"Max has sent me an interesting book, 'Relativity,' by Einstein. Have you read it?"

"No. I am waiting for it to be filmed."



EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS

The wife of a Dorchester man who had the traditional failing—he forgot to mail letters—has cured him. The mail is delivered at their home before the breakfast hour—which is comparatively late. One morning she said to her husband:

"Did you have any mail this morning, dear?"

"Only a circular," he answered as he bit into a fine brown slice of toast.

"Huh," said the wife. "By the way, did you mail the letters I gave you yesterday?"

"Sure I did," was the righteously indignant reply.

"Well," answered wifie, with an eloquent smile, "it's funny, then, you had no letters this morning, because one of those I gave you to mail was addressed to you—just as a sort of key."

Callers were at the door and Bobbie was told to show them into the parlor. He did so, and while his mother was fixing herself up, he sat there rather embarrassed. Presently, seeing the visitors glancing around the room, he said:

"Well, what do you think of our stuff, anyway?"

KIND FRIEND (to composer who has just played his newly written revue masterpiece)—"Yes, I've always liked that little thing. Now play one of your own, won't you?"

Evelyn is very cowardly, and her father decided to have a serious talk with his little daughter.

"Father," she said at the close of his lecture, "when you see a cow, ain't you 'fraid?"

"No, certainly not, Evelyn."

"When you see a bumblebee, ain't you 'fraid?"

"No!" with scorn.

"Ain't you 'fraid when it thunders?"

"No," with laughter. "Oh, you silly, silly child!"

"Papa," said Evelyn, solemnly, "ain't you 'fraid of nothing in the world but mama?"

Afraid to breathe, almost, the returned reveller crept quietly into his bedchamber as the gray dawn was breaking. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he cautiously undid his boots. But, with all his care, his wife stirred in bed, and he presently was all too well aware of a pair of sleepy eyes regarding him over the edge of the sheet.

"Why, Tom," yawned the little woman, "how early you are this morning!"

"Yes, my dear," replied Tom, stifling a groan, "I've got to go to Montreal for the firm today."

And replacing his footgear the wretched man dragged his aching limbs out again into the cold and heartless streets.

A philanthropic New York woman was entertaining, in the spacious grounds of her suburban residence, a large number of East-Side children. On her rounds of hospitality she was impressed with one strikingly beautiful little girl. She could not have been more than nine years old, but her coal-black eyes flashed with intelligence. The hostess introduced herself and began a conversation.

"Does what you see here today please you?" she asked. The child eyed her host in silence.

"Talk away," said the lady. "Don't be afraid."

"Tell me," then said the child, "how many children have you got?"

Astonished at the question, the lady hesitated for a moment, and then entered into the fun of the situation.

"Ten," she replied.

"Dear me," answered the child, "that is a very large family, I hope you are careful and look after them. Do you keep them all clean?"

"Well, I do my best."

"And is your husband at work?"

"My husband does not do any kind of work. He never has."

"That is very dreadful," replied the little girl earnestly, "but I hope you keep out of debt."

The game had gone too far for Lady Bountiful's enjoyment of it.

"You are a very rude and impertinent child," she burst out, "to speak like that, and to me."

The child became apologetic. "I'm sure I didn't mean to be, ma'am," she explained. "But mother told me before I came that I was to be sure to speak to you like a lady, and when any ladies call on us, they always ask us those questions."

A gentleman who had married his cook was giving a dinner party and between the courses the good lady sat with her hands spread on the tablecloth.

Suddenly the burr of conversation ceased and in the silence that followed a young man on the right of his hostess said, pleasantly:

"Awful pause!"

"Yes, they may be," said the old-time cook, with heightened color; "and yours would be like them if you had done half my work."

His relatives telephoned to the nearest florist's. The ribbon must be extra wide, with "Rest in Peace" on both sides, and if there was room, "We Shall Meet in Heaven."

The florist was away and his new assistant handled the job. There was a sensation when the flowers turned up at the funeral. The ribbon was extra wide, indeed, and on it was the inscription:

"Rest in peace on both sides, and, if there is room, we shall meet in heaven."

See also Bluffing.



EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES

An Employer's Dream

An Employee, Dynamic, but not variable. Tall—of excellent personality. Aggressive—but tactful. Sales type—but with a liking for detail. Vision—looking ahead and discounting the future. Loyal—always having the interest of his employer at heart. Creative—but appreciating values—initiative balanced with caution, forseeing his employer's wishes and ideas. Serious thinker—sunny disposition, looking ahead but mastering first the work on hand. Interested in his salary—only as incidental—willing to leave that to the discretion of those above him. Character—excellent, not a clock watcher—interested only in results, working night and day if necessary to secure his success. Honest—clear thinking—hard-working—looking ahead fearlessly—with his eyes on the future, putting everything else second to his work—with supreme, sound confidence in his own ability— Ah! Shucks—It's Impossible.

EMPLOYER (to clerk)—"If that bore, Smithers, comes in, tell him I'm out—and don't be working or he'll know you're lying."

The Ten Commandments (By A Wise Employer)

First—Don't lie. It wastes my time and yours. I am sure to catch you in the end, and that will be the wrong end.

Second—Watch your work, not the clock. A long day's work makes a long day short, and a short day's work makes my face long.

Third—Give me more than I expect, and I will give you more than you expect. I can afford to increase your pay if you increase my profits.

Fourth—You owe so much to yourself you cannot afford to owe anybody else. Keep out of debt.

Fifth—Dishonesty is never an accident. Good men, like good women, never see temptation when they meet it.

Sixth—Mind your own business, and in time you'll have a business of your own to mind.

Seventh—Don't do anything here which hurts your self-respect. An employee who is willing to steal for me is willing to steal from me.

Eighth—It is none of my business what you do at night. But if dissipation affects what you do the next day, and you do half as much as I demand, you'll last half as long as you hoped.

Ninth—Don't tell me what I'll like to hear, but what I ought to hear. I don't want a valet for my pride, but one for my purse.

Tenth—Don't kick if I kick. If you're worth while correcting, you're worth while keeping. I don't waste time cutting specks out of rotten apples.

—The Rotarian.

One of the bosses at Baldwin's Locomotive Works had to lay off an argumentative Irishman named Pat, so he saved discussion by putting the discharge in writing. The next day Pat was missing, but a week later the boss was passing through the shop and he saw him again at his lathe. Then, the following colloquy occurred:

"Didn't you get my letter?"

"Yis, sur, Oi did," said Pat.

"Did you read it?"

"Sure, sur, Oi read it inside and Oi read it outside," said Pat, "and on the inside yez said I was fired and on the outside yez said: 'Return to Baldwin Locomotive Works in five days.'"

"Well, George," said the president of the company to old George, "how goes it?"

"Fair to middlin', sir," George answered. And he continued to currycomb a bay horse.

"Me an' this here boss," George said, suddenly, "has worked for your firm sixteen year."

"Well, well," said the president, thinking a little guiltily of George's salary. "And I suppose you are both pretty highly valued, George, eh?"

"H'm," said George, "the both of us was took sick last week, and they got a doctor for the hoss, but they just docked my pay."

A plumber and a painter were working in the same house. The painter arrived late and the plumber said to him, "You're late this morning."

"Yes," said the painter, "I had to stop and have my hair cut."

"You didn't do it on your employer's time, did you?" said the plumber.

"Sure, I did," said the painter; "It grew on his time."

POSSIBLE EMPLOYER—"H'm! so you want a job, eh? Do you ever tell lies?"

APPLICANT—"No, sir, but I kin learn."

A man named Dodgin was recently appointed foreman at the gas works, but his name was not known to all the employees. One day while on his rounds he came across two men sitting in a corner, smoking, and stopped near them.