"Pa, what's an actor?"

"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, a number of bored stage hands, and a lot of theatrical odds and ends, and exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!"'

* * *

"Is she making a rich marriage?"

"I should hope to tell you; he is a butcher who has been arrested three times for profiteering."

* * *

SANDY SCORED

A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:

"Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight, like me?"

"Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"

"I do," said the laird.

"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an' that the empty yins stand up."

* * *

WITH A RESERVATION

"Miss Smith—Belinda," sighed the young man, passionately, "there is something I want to tell you—something that I——"

"What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her chair, with a bored expression on her face.

The young man drew a long breath, and his face turned to dull purple. "It is a question which is very near to any heart," he said awkwardly. "Could you—do you think you could ever marry a man like me?"

"Oh, yes," replied Belinda, quite calmly, "that is, if he wasn't too much like you!"

* * *

TOO SMART

A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some "welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the prospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out three watches, marked respectively L5, L4, and L3 10s., and laid them in a row on the counter.

The Chink, after looking very closely at them, called the attention of the Jewess to a watch on a shelf behind her; as she turned to obtain the watch he placed the higher-priced watch, in the place of the lower-priced one, and, not caring for the watch now shown him, said: "Me no likee that; I takee cheapee watch," paid L3 10s., and departed.

Soon the girl discovered the deception, and told her father on his return.

"Never mind, my tear," said he, with a smile; "dose vatches cost all de same brice—two pound; but vat a scoundrel dat Chinaman must be!"

* * *

OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT

"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher.

"No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls.

"What flowers are not popular?"

"Wall-flowers, ma'am."

* * *

NATIVE BORN

"He hit me on de koko, yer honour."

"Your head?"

"Yes, yer honour."

"Why don't you speak the English language?"

"I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life."

* * *

THE JONAH

"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story teaches."

"Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches that you can't keep a good man down."

* * *

THE SUBSTITUTE

A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table if he could have some poached eggs.

"We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon."

* * *

MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE

The maiden of, er—forty or so, was much upset.

Quoth she to a younger friend:

"Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was nothing but a hopeless old maid."

"That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend.

"Yes; wasn't it unladylike of her?"

"It certainly was rude," agreed the other. "Still, it's better than having her tell lies about you."

* * *

GOOD OR BAD TURN?

"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?"

"Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make one think there's something wrong with it."

"What does it say, then?"

"Why, he said I was one of the best men his firm had ever turned out."

* * *

TALKING SENSE

"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fiancee closer to him, "am I the first man you have ever kissed?"

"William," replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we go any further I would like to ask you a few questions. You are, no doubt, fully aware that my father is a millionaire something like ten times over, aren't you?"

"Y-yes."

"You understand, no doubt, that when he dies all of his vast fortune will be left to me?"

"Y-yes."

"You know that I have a quarter of a million dollars in cash in my name at the bank?"

"Y-yes."

"And own two and a half million dollars' worth of property?"

"Y-yes."

"That my diamonds are insured to the value of a quarter of a million dollars?"

"Y-yes."

"My horses and motor-cars are worth seventy-five thousand dollars?"

"Y-yes."

"Then, for goodness' sake, talk sense! What difference would it make to you if I had been kissed by a thousand men before I met you?"

* * *

A MAGIC HEALER

During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped into the doctor's to have them attended to.

"Doctor," he asked, anxiously. "When this hand of mine heals, will I be able to play the piano?"

"Certainly you will," the doctor assured him.

"Then you're a wonder, doctor. I never could before."

* * *

SHE TOOK THEM

"I don't know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman. "They seem rather indistinct."

"But, you must remember, madam," said the wily photographer, "that your face is not at all plain."

* * *

BUT HE'S ON HIS WAY

Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him.

"What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked.

"Suh?"

"I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?"

Uncle Tom searched carefully for the tag. A bit of frayed cord was all that remained.

"Dat ornery goat!" he exploded wrathfully. "Yo' know, suh, dat iggorant goat done completely et up his destination."

* * *

HER MATCH

Tommy: "What's an echo, pa?"

Pa: "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word."

* * *

"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded the boss angrily.

"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one; "you kept telling me not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't watch it at home either."

* * *

SCIENTIFIC PROOF

One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and said:

"Yes'm; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke."

* * *

Bolshie Tubthumper: Yaas, there didn't ought to be no poor. We all ought to be wealthy, and the wealthy starvin' like us!

* * *

Sunday School Teacher: Now, Alfred, if you are always kind and polite to your playmates, what will be the result?

Alfred: They'll think they can lick me!

* * *

A NATURAL PICTURE

A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together, and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a better picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."

"H'm," said the father, "it would make a more natural picture if he put it in my pocket."

* * *

NOTHING TO SMILE AT

A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men.

An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, apparently took not the smallest notice, and no matter how loud the laughter, went on quietly reading his paper. This exasperated the story-teller, until at last he said: "I think it would take an inch auger to put a joke into a Scotsman's head."

A voice from behind the paper replied: "Ay, man, but it wid need tae hae a finer point than ony o' yer stories, a'm thinking!"

* * *

DREW BLANK

The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money.

So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated fearfully upon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative he hung about for a day and a half outside the local doctor's establishment. Finally he managed to catch the great man.

"Say, doctor! Hoo's beez-ness wi' ye the noo?"

"Oh, feyr, feyr!"

"A s'pose ye've a deal o' prescribin' tae dae fer coolds an' sair throats?"

"Ay!"

"An' what dae ye gin'rally gie fer a sair throat?"

"Naethin'," replied the canny old doctor, "I dinna' want a sair throat."

* * *

A FRIEND IN NEED

What true friendship consists in depends on the temperament of the man who has a friend. It is related that at the funeral of Mr. Scroggs, who died extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Squire Tightfist was much affected.

"You thought a great deal of him, I suppose?" some one asked him.

"Thought a great deal of him? I should think I did. There was a true friend. He never asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew well enough he was starving to death."

* * *

WHAT HE PREFERRED

He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies. He had finished the odd jobs for which he had been employed, and, hat in hand, appeared at the back door.

"How much is it, uncle?" he was asked.

"Yo' say how much? Jest whatever yo' say, missus."

"Oh, but I would rather you'd say how much," the lady of the house replied.

"Yas, ma'am! But, ma'am, Ah'd rather hab de seventy-five cents yo 'would gimme dan de fifty cents Ah'd charge yo'."

* * *

READY TO JOIN

Minister: Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement?

Miss Ala Mode: I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot?

* * *

HELPFUL PA!

He: Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the future?

She: Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of next week.

* * *

"Daughter," said the old man, sternly, "I positively forbid you marrying this young scapegrace! He is an inveterate poker player!"

"But, papa," tearfully protested Alicia Hortense, "poker playing is not such an awful habit. Why, at your own club——"

"That's where I got my information, daughter. I'll have no daughter of mine bringing home a man that I can't beat with a flush, a full house, and fours."

* * *

"I think, Lucille, I'll take one of the children to the park with me. Which one do you think would go best with this dress?"

* * *

HE KNEW

Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the time had arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie," said Mr. Smith to her three-year-old son, "and have your face washed."

"Don't want to be washed," came the reply.

"But," said mother, "you don't want to be a dirty boy, do you? I want my little boy to have a nice, clean face for the ladies to kiss."

Upon this persuasion he gave way, and was washed. A few minutes later he stood watching his father washing. "Ha, ha, daddy!" he cried, "I know why you're washing!"

* * *

THEY WILT

"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer Sassfras, as he watched that good man at his work.

"Widow's weeds," replied the farmer. "You have only to say 'Wilt thou?' and they wilt."

* * *

NOT STRONG ENOUGH

Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt. Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake.

"Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfully nice."

"Muriel, dear," corrected her governess, "it is wrong to say you 'love' cake, and I've frequently pointed out that 'just' is wrongly used in such a sentence. Again, 'awfully' is quite wrong, 'very' would be more correct, dear. Now repeat your remark, please."

Muriel obediently repeated: "I like chocolate cake; it is very good."

"That's better, dear," said the governess, approvingly.

"But it sounds as if I was talking about bread," protested the little girl.

* * *

WHY HE PICKED PICTISH

An English mother was visiting her son at college.

"Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?"

"I have decided to take Pictish, mother," he replied.

"Pictish?" said the puzzled lady. "Why Pictish?"

"Only five words of it remain," he said.

* * *

PLAYED THEM BOTH UP

A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the appearance of the hoop's owner. He arrived.

"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and father's come to mend it."

Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work, while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man said:

"That'll be three shillings, mum."

"Three shillings!" gasped the woman. "But your son broke it. The little fellow with the hoop. You're his father, aren't you?"

The man shook his head.

"Never seen him before," he said. "He came round to my place and said his mother wanted her window mended. You're his mother, aren't you?"

And the good woman could only shake her head; for once words failed her.

* * *

JUSTICE AT LAST

It was the usual domestic storm.

"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor mother's advice, and never married you!"

Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last found voice.

"Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?" he demanded.

Wifey nodded violently.

A look of deep remorse crossed hubby's face.

"Great Scott," he cried, in broken tones, "how I wronged that woman!"

* * *

IN ORDER TO BE FILLED

Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. The one inside picked up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into the air, struck the other a resounding blow on the head.

As soon as the victim had recovered from his momentary daze he walked over to the edge of the bin and, peering down at his mate, said:

"Nigger, how come you don't watch where you throws dat coal? You done hit me smack on de haid."

The other one looked surprised.

"Did I hit you?"

"You sho' did," came the answer. "And I jes' wants to tell you, I've been promising the debil a man a long time, and you certainly does resemble my promise."

* * *

"And would you love me as much if father lost all his money?"

"Has he?"

"Why, no."

"Of course I would, darling."

* * *

"Why do you object to children in your apartment house?"

"As a matter of kindness. People who are raising families can't be expected to pay the rentals I require."

* * *

CAUSTIC

A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds himself rather short of cash just now. His account was L60 over drawn, and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to suggest that he had better bring it down a bit or clear it altogether.

"Oh, aye," replied the pawky one. "I'm L60 short am I? Will ye just look up an' tell me hoo my account stood in June?"

"Oh," the banker said, "you were all right then; you had L250 to your credit."

"Aye, an' did I ring you up in June?" was the caustic rejoinder.

* * *

The newly-elected president of a banking institution was being introduced to the employees. He singled out one of the men in the cashier's cage, questioning him in detail about his work, etc. "I have been here forty years," said the cashier's assistant, with conscious pride, "and in all that time I only made one slight mistake."

"Good," replied the president. "Let me congratulate you. But hereafter be more careful."

* * *

First Sailor (searching vainly for his ship after a few hours' leave): "But she was 'ere when we went ashore, wasn't she?"

Second Sailor: "It's them blokes at Washington. They've started scrappin' the fleet, an' begun on us."

* * *

NOT WORTH MUCH

The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires in a desolate region of the far South. "I suppose," he remarked to a native onlooker, "that even in these isolated parts the bare necessities of life have risen tremendously in price?"

"Y'er right, stranger," replied the native, "and it ain't worth drinkin' when ye get it."

* * *

NOTHING TO FEAR

Irate Golfer: "You must take your children away from here, madam; this is no place for them."

Mother: "Now don't you worry—they can't 'ear nothin' new—their father was a sergeant-major, 'e was!"

* * *

MISLED

The Client: "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they were empty."

The Lawyer: "Well, what do you expect?"

The Client: "Full of booze. Isn't that what f. o. b. means?"

* * *

During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the Irishman asked how it was that the Jews were so wise.

"Because," said the Jew, "we eat a certain kind of fish;" and he offered to sell one for ten dollars.

After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bit into it, then exclaimed: "Why, this is only a smoked herring."

"See?" said the Jew. "You are getting wise already."

* * *

"Yes," said the old man to his visitor, "I am proud of my girls and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again. I shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will have $5000 with her." The young man reflected a moment and then asked, "You haven't one about fifty, have you?"

* * *

"Mary," said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I told you, when they called?"

"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an' shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."

* * *

"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"

"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."

"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him he might find out some things about me he won't like, too."

* * *

"Would you marry a man to reform him?"

"What does he do?"

"He drinks."

"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in our set."

* * *

"I would like to have a globe of the earth."

"What size, madam?"

"Life-size, of course."

* * *

Wife: "George, is that you?"

George: "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"

* * *

She (tenderly): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"

He: "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."

* * *

Jazz: "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."

Beau: "Stripped?"

Jazz: "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."

* * *

Mrs. Newlywed (on her first day's shopping): "I want two pieces of steak and—and about half a pint of gravy."

* * *

Farmer: "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"

Tourist: "Well—er—is it ambitious and willing to work?"

* * *

Papa: "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last night?"

Daughter: "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."

* * *

"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."

"Then why didn't you marry him?"

"I met him again so often."

* * *

Interviewer: "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"

Stage Manager: "Those who have the most to show, of course."

* * *

She: "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"

He: "Er—er—nothing."

She: "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me unless he means business, d'ye hear?"

* * *

Foreman: "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to your one?"

Laborer: "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."

* * *

Lady (in box): "Can you look over my shoulders?"

Sailor: "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they are great."

* * *

"How times have changed!"

"Yes?"

"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."

* * *

Sailor Bill: "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light canvas."

Sailor Dan: "Yes—you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."

* * *

Tramp: "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"

* * *

"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."

"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."

* * *

A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married, and was accompanied by his wife as he entered the dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for its excellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chicken he had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence.

"Where is my chicken?" he asked somewhat irritably.

The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximity to the salesman's ear, replied:

"Ef youse mean de li'l gal with blue eyes an' fluffy hair, she doan' wo'k heah no mo'."

* * *

"Do you really believe in heredity?"

"Most certainly I do. That is how I came into all my money."

* * *

An attorney of Los Angeles advertised for a chauffeur. Some twenty-odd responded and were being questioned as to qualifications, efficiency, and whether married or single. Finally, turning to a negro chap, he said:

"How about you, George, are you married?"

Quickly the negro responded: "Naw-sir, boss, naw-sir. Ah makes mah own livin'."

* * *

A boy and his mother were taking in the circus. Looking at the hippopotamus, he said: "Ma, ain't that the ugliest damn thing you ever saw?"

"Bill," said his ma, "didn't I tell you never to say 'ain't.'"

* * *

"Vell, Ikey, my poy," said Sol to his son, "I've made my vill and left it all to you."

"That's very good of you, father," remarked Ike, eyeing him suspiciously. "But, bless you, it cost a lot of money for the lawyer and fees and things!"

"Vell?" said Ike more suspiciously. "Vell, it ain't fair I should pay all dot, is it? So I'll shust take it off from your next month's salary."

* * *

Mr. McNab (after having his lease read over to him): "I will not sign that; I have na' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansion in Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in the High Street."

* * *

"Come, Dorothy," said her father impatiently, "throw your doll on the bed and hurry or we shall be late."

"Daddy, how can you?" reproved the child. "I isn't' that kind of a muvver."

* * *

"You say you doted on your last mistress?"

"Yes, mum. I certainly did."

"Then why did you leave her?"

"We couldn't continue to be friends on my wages, mum."

* * *

"What's the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature or something?"

"No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him."

* * *

"James, have you whispered to-day without permission?"

"Only wunst."

"Leroy, should James have said wunst?"

"No'm; he should have said twict."

* * *

"It appears to be your record, Mary," said the magistrate, "that you have already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing."

"I guess that's right, your honor," answered Mary. "No woman is perfect."

* * *

"That you, dearie? I'm detained at the office on very important business and I may not be home until late. Don't sit up for me."

"I won't, dearie. You'll come home as early as you can, won't you? And John, dear——"

"Yes; what is it?"

"Please don't draw to any inside straights."

* * *

The City Nephew: "I'm glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensibly instead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears."

Uncle Talltimber: "She tried 'em once an' they got tangled up with the telephone receiver an' she missed more'n half the gossip goin' on over our twenty-party line."

* * *

"Ethel," said the bishop, "you seem to be a bright little girl; can you repeat a verse from the Bible?"

"I'll say I can."

"Well, my dear, let us have it."

"The Lord is my shepherd—I should worry."

* * *

Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London, and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During the early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he was heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' the whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters."

* * *

An astronomer was entertaining a Scotch friend. He showed his visitor the moon through a telescope and asked him what he thought of the satellite.

"It's a' richt," replied the Scot, who was an enthusiastic golfer, "but it's awfu' fu' o' bunkers."

* * *

"What are you doing, Marjory?"

"I'se writing a letter to Lily Smif."

"But, darling, you don't know how to write."

"That's no diff'ence, mamma; Lily don't know how to read."

* * *

"What sort of an appearing man is he?"

"Little dried-up feller," replied the gaunt Missourian, "that looks like he always ett at the second table."

* * *

"Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talkalot?"

"Don't tell me she has lost her voice."

"No, her husband has lost his hearing."

* * *

Two darky boys in a Southern city met on the street, each wearing a new suit. One asked:

"Nigger, how much do they set you back for dem clo's?"

"Fo'ty dollahs," was the response.

"Fo'ty dollahs?"

"Yes, sah; fo'ty dollahs."

"Look at me," said the first. "I'se got on a suit w'at's mos' perzactly like yourn, and I don't pay but ten dollahs fuh mine. Somebody shore flimflammed you."

* * *

The possessor of the forty-dollar suit took hold of one of the coat sleeves of the ten-dollar suit and pulled on it. It stretched. Then straightening up he said:

"See here, boy, the fust big rain yo' gets ketched out in dat coat of yourn is gwine to say, 'Good-by, nigger, f'om now on I'se gwine to be yo' vest.'"

* * *

"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"

"How old are you now?"

"Forty."

"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"

"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven't any vices."

"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"

* * *

"I say, Madge, it's bitterly cold. Hadn't you better put something on your chest?"

"Don't worry, old thing. I've powdered it three times."

* * *

Father: "Well, son, you certainly made a fool of yourself! That girl robbed you of every cent you had."

Son: "Well, dad, you have to hand it to me for picking them clever."

THE END