Quoth she, I grant you may be close In hiding what your aims propose. 440 Love-passions are like parables, By which men still mean something else, Though love be all the world's pretence, Money's the mythologick sense; The real substance of the shadow, 445 Which all address and courtship's made to.

Thought he, I understand your play, And how to quit you your own way: He that will win his dame, must do As Love does when he bends his bow; 450 With one hand thrust the lady from, And with the other pull her home. I grant, quoth he, wealth is a great Provocative to am'rous heat. It is all philters, and high diet, 455 That makes love rampant, and to fly out: 'Tis beauty always in the flower, That buds and blossoms at fourscore: 'Tis that by which the sun and moon At their own weapons are out-done: 460 That makes Knights-Errant fall in trances, And lay about 'em in romances: 'Tis virtue, wit, and worth, and all That men divine and sacred call: For what is worth in any thing, 465 But so much money as 'twill bring? Or what, but riches is there known, Which man can solely call his own In which no creature goes his half; Unless it be to squint and laugh? 470 I do confess, with goods and land, I'd have a wife at second-hand; And such you are. Nor is 't your person My stomach's set so sharp and fierce on; But 'tis (your better part) your riches, 475 That my enamour'd heart bewitches. Let me your fortune but possess, And settle your person how you please: Or make it o'er in trust to th' Devil; You'll find me reasonable and civil. 480

Quoth she, I like this plainness better Than false mock-passion, speech, or letter, Or any feat of qualm or sowning, But hanging of yourself, or drowning. Your only way with me to break 485 Your mind, is breaking of your neck; For as when merchants break, o'erthrown, Like nine-pins they strike others down, So that would break my heart; which done, My tempting fortune is your own, 490 These are but trifles: ev'ry lover Will damn himself over and over, And greater matters undertake For a less worthy mistress' sake: Yet th' are the only ways to prove 495 Th' unfeign'd realities of love: For he that hangs, or beats out's brains, The Devil's in him if he feigns.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, This way's too rough For mere experiment and proof: 500 It is no jesting, trivial matter, To swing t' th' air, or douce in Water, And, like a water-witch, try love; That's to destroy, and not to prove; As if a man should be dissected 505 To find what part is disaffected. Your better way is to make over, In trust, your fortune to your lover. Trust is a trial; if it break, 'Tis not so desp'rate as a neck. 510 Beside, th' experiment's more certain; Men venture necks to gain a fortune: The soldier does it ev'ry day. (Eight to the week) for sixpence pay: Your pettifoggers damn their souls, 515 To share with knaves in cheating fools: And merchants, vent'ring through the main, Slight pirates, rocks, and horns, for gain. This is the way I advise you to: Trust me, and see what I will do. 520

Quoth she, I should be loth to run Myself all th' hazard, and you none; Which must be done, unless some deed Of your's aforesaid do precede. Give but yourself one gentle swing 525 For trial, and I'll cut the string: Or give that rev'rend head a maul, Or two, or three, against a wall, To shew you are a man of mettle, And I'll engage myself to settle. 530

Quoth he, My head's not made of brass, As Friar BACON'S noodle was; Nor (like the Indian's skull) so tough That, authors say, 'twas musket-proof, As yet on any new adventure, 535 As it had need to be, to enter. You see what bangs it has endur'd, That would, before new feats, be cur'd. But if that's all you stand upon, Here, strike me luck, it shall be done. 540

Quoth she, The matter's not so far gone As you suppose: Two words t' a bargain: That may be done, and time enough, When you have given downright proof; And yet 'tis no fantastic pique 545 I have to love, nor coy dislike: 'Tis no implicit, nice aversion T' your conversation, mein, or person, But a just fear, lest you should prove False and perfidious in love:, 550 For if I thought you could be true, I could love twice as much as you.

Quoth he, My faith as adamanatine, As chains of destiny, I'll maintain: True as APOLLO ever spoke, 555 Or Oracle from heart of oak; And if you'll give my flame but vent, Now in close hugger-mugger pent, And shine upon me but benignly, With that one, and that other pigsney, 560 The sun and day shall sooner part, Than love or you shake off my heart; The sun, that shall no more dispense His own but your bright influence. I'll carve your name on barks of trees, 565 With true-loves-knots and flourishes, That shall infuse eternal spring, And everlasting flourishing: Drink ev'ry letter on't in stum, And make it brisk champaign become; 570 Where-e'er you tread, your foot shall set The primrose and the violet: All spices, perfumes, and sweet powders, Shall borrow from your breath their odours: Nature her charter shall renew, 575 And take all lives of things from you; The world depend upon your eye, And when you frown upon it, die: Only our loves shall still survive, New worlds and natures to out-live: 580 And, like to heralds' moons, remain All crescents, without change or wane.

Hold, hold, quoth she; no more of this, Sir Knight; you take your aim amiss: For you will find it a hard chapter 585 To catch me with poetic rapture, In which your mastery of art Doth shew itself, and not your heart: Nor will you raise in mine combustion By dint of high heroic fustian. 590 She that with poetry is won, Is but a desk to write upon; And what men say of her, they mean No more than on the thing they lean. Some with Arabian spices strive 595 T' embalm her cruelly alive; Or season her, as French cooks use Their haut-gousts, bouillies, or ragousts: Use her so barbarously ill, To grind her lips upon a mill, 600 Until the facet doublet doth Fit their rhimes rather than her mouth: Her mouth compar'd to an oyster's, with A row of pearl in't — stead of teeth. Others make posies of her cheeks, 605 Where red and whitest colours mix; In which the lily, and the rose, For Indian lake and ceruse goes. The sun and moon by her bright eyes Eclips'd, and darken'd in the skies, 610 Are but black patches, that she wears, Cut into suns, and moons, and stars: By which astrologers as well, As those in Heav'n above, can tell What strange events they do foreshow 615 Unto her under-world below. Her voice, the music of the spheres, So loud, it deafens mortals ears; As wise philosophers have thought; And that's the cause we hear it not. 620 This has been done by some, who those Th' ador'd in rhime, would kick in prose; And in those ribbons would have hung On which melodiously they sung; That have the hard fate to write best 625 Of those still that deserve it least; It matters not how false, or forc'd: So the best things be said o' th' worst: It goes for nothing when 'tis said; Only the arrow's drawn to th' bead, 630 Whether it be a swan or goose They level at: So shepherds use To set the same mark on the hip Both of their sound and rotten sheep: For wits, that carry low or wide, 635 Must be aim'd higher, or beside The mark, which else they ne'er come nigh, But when they take their aim awry. But I do wonder you should choose This way t' attack me with your Muse, 640 As one cut out to pass your tricks on, With fulhams of poetic fiction: I rather hop'd I should no more Hear from you o' th' gallanting score: For hard dry-bastings us'd to prove 645 The readiest remedies of love; Next a dry-diet: but if those fail, Yet this uneasy loop-hol'd jail, In which ye are hamper'd by the fetlock, Cannot but put y' in mind of wedlock; 650 Wedlock, that's worse than any hole here, If that may serve you for a cooler, T' allay your mettle, all agog Upon a wife, the heavi'r clog: Or rather thank your gentler fate, 655 That for a bruis'd or broken pate, Has freed you from those knobs that grow Much harder on the marry'd brow: But if no dread can cool your courage, From vent'ring on that dragon, marriage, 660 Yet give me quarter, and advance To nobler aims your puissance: Level at beauty and at wit; The fairest mark is easiest hit.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, I'm beforehand 665 In that already, with your command For where does beauty and high wit But in your constellation meet?

Quoth she, What does a match imply, But likeness and equality? 670 I know you cannot think me fit To be th' yoke-fellow of your wit; Nor take one of so mean deserts, To be the partner of your parts; A grace which, if I cou'd believe, 675 I've not the conscience to receive.

That conscience, quoth HUDIBRAS, Is mis-inform'd: I'll state the case A man may be a legal donor, Of any thing whereof he's owner, 680 And may confer it where he lists, I' th' judgment of all casuists, Then wit, and parts, and valour, may Be ali'nated, and made away, By those that are proprietors, 685 As I may give or sell my horse.

Quoth she, I grant the case is true And proper 'twixt your horse and you; But whether I may take as well As you may give away or sell? 690 Buyers you know are bid beware; And worse than thieves receivers are. How shall I answer hue and cry, For a roan gelding, twelve hands high, All spurr'd and switch'd, a lock on's hoof, 695 A sorrel mane? Can I bring proof Where, when, by whom, and what y' were sold for, And in the open market toll'd for? Or should I take you for a stray, You must be kept a year and day 700 (Ere I can own you) here i' the pound, Where, if y' are sought, you may be found And in the mean time I must pay For all your provender and hay.

Quoth he, It stands me much upon 705 T' enervate this objection, And prove myself; by topic clear No gelding, as you would infer. Loss of virility's averr'd To be the cause of loss of beard, 710 That does (like embryo in the womb) Abortive on the chin become. This first a woman did invent, In envy of man's ornament; SEMIRAMIS, of Babylon, 715 Who first of all cut men o' th' stone, To mar their beards, and lay foundation Of sow-geldering operation. Look on this beard, and tell me whether Eunuchs wear such, or geldings either? 720 Next it appears I am no horse; That I can argue and discourse Have but two legs, and ne'er a tail.

Quoth she, That nothing will avail For some philosophers of late here, 725 Write, men have four legs by nature, And that 'tis custom makes them go Erron'ously upon but two; As 'twas in Germany made good B' a boy that lost himself in a wood, 730 And growing down to a man, was wont With wolves upon all four to hunt. As for your reasons drawn from tails, We cannot say they're true or false, Till you explain yourself, and show, 735 B' experiment, 'tis so or no.

Quoth he, If you'll join issue on't, I'll give you satisfactory account; So you will promise, if you lose, To settle all, and be my spouse. 740

That never shall be done (quoth she) To one that wants a tail, by me For tails by nature sure were meant, As well as beards, for ornament: And though the vulgar count them homely, 745 In men or beast they are so comely, So gentee, alamode, and handsome, I'll never marry man that wants one; And till you can demonstrate plain, You have one equal to your mane, 750 I'll be torn piece-meal by a horse, Ere I'll take you for better or worse. The Prince of CAMBAY's daily food Is asp, and basilisk, and toad; Which makes him have so strong a breath, 755 Each night he stinks a queen to death; Yet I shall rather lie in's arms Than yours, on any other terms.

Quoth he, What nature can afford, I shall produce, upon my word; 760 And if she ever gave that boon To man, I'll prove that I have one I mean by postulate illation, When you shall offer just occasion: But since y' have yet deny'd to give 765 My heart, your pris'ner, a reprieve, But made it sink down to my heel, Let that at least your pity feel; And, for the sufferings of your martyr, Give its poor entertainer quarter; 770 And, by discharge or main-prize, grant Deliv'ry from this base restraint.

Quoth she, I grieve to see your leg Stuck in a hole here like a peg; And if I knew which way to do't 775 (Your honour safe) I'd let you out. That Dames by jail-delivery Of Errant-Knights have been set free, When by enchantment they have been, And sometimes for it too, laid in, 780 Is that which Knights are bound to do By order, oath, and honour too: For what are they renown'd, and famous else, But aiding of distressed damosels? But for a Lady no ways errant, 785 To free a Knight, we have no warrant In any authentical romance, Or classic author, yet of France; And I'd be loth to have you break An ancient custom for a freak, 790 Or innovation introduce In place of things of antique use; To free your heels by any course, That might b' unwholesome to your spurs; Which, if I should consent unto, 795 It is not in my pow'r to do; For 'tis a service must be done ye With solemn previous ceremony; Which always has been us'd t' untie The charms of those who here do lie 800 For as the ancients heretofore To Honour's Temple had no door, But that which thorough Virtue's lay, So from this dungeon there's no way To honour'd freedom, but by passing 805 That other virtuous school of lashing, Where Knights are kept in narrow lists, With wooden lockets 'bout their wrists; In which they for a while are tenants, And for their Ladies suffer penance: 810 Whipping, that's Virtue's governess, Tutress of arts and sciences; That mends the gross mistakes of Nature, And puts new life into dull matter; That lays foundation for renown, 815 And all the honours of the gown. This suffer'd, they are set at large, And freed with hon'rable discharge. Then in their robes the penitentials Are straight presented with credentials, 820 And in their way attended on By magistrates of ev'ry town; And, all respect and charges paid, They're to their ancient seats convey'd. Now if you'll venture, for my sake, 825 To try the toughness of your back, And suffer (as the rest have done) The laying of a whipping on, (And may you prosper in your suit, As you with equal vigour do't,) 830 I here engage myself to loose ye, And free your heels from Caperdewsie. But since our sex's modesty Will not allow I should be by, Bring me, on oath, a fair account, 835 And honour too, when you have done't, And I'll admit you to the place You claim as due in my good grace. If matrimony and hanging go By dest'ny, why not whipping too? 840 What med'cine else can cure the fits Of lovers when they lose their wits? Love is a boy by poets stil'd; Then spare the rod and spoil the child. A Persian emp'ror whipp'd his grannam 845 The sea, his mother VENUS came on; And hence some rev'rend men approve Of rosemary in making love. As skilful coopers hoop their tubs With Lydian and with Phrygian dubs, 850 Why may not whipping have as good A grace, perform'd in time and mood, With comely movement, and by art, Raise passion in a lady's heart? It is an easier way to make 855 Love by, than that which many take. Who would not rather suffer whipping, Than swallow toasts of bits of ribbon? Make wicked verses, treats, and faces, And spell names over with beer-glasses 860 Be under vows to hang and die Love's sacrifice, and all a lie? With china-oranges and tarts And whinning plays, lay baits for hearts? Bribe chamber-maids with love and money, 865 To break no roguish jests upon ye? For lilies limn'd on cheeks, and roses, With painted perfumes, hazard noses? Or, vent'ring to be brisk and wanton, Do penance in a paper lanthorn? 870 All this you may compound for now, By suffering what I offer you; Which is no more than has been done By Knights for Ladies long agone. Did not the great LA MANCHA do so 875 For the INFANTA DEL TOBOSO? Did not th' illustrious Bassa make Himself a slave for Misse's sake? And with bull's pizzle, for her love, Was taw 'd as gentle as a glove? 880 Was not young FLORIO sent (to cool His flame for BIANCAFIORE) to school, Where pedant made his pathic bum For her sake suffer martyrdom? Did not a certain lady whip 885 Of late her husband's own Lordship? And though a grandee of the House, Claw'd him with fundamental blows Ty'd him stark naked to a bed-post, And firk'd his hide, as if sh' had rid post 890 And after, in the sessions-court, Where whipping's judg'd, had honour for't? This swear you will perform, and then I'll set you from th' inchanted den, And the magician's circle clear. 895

Quoth he, I do profess and swear, And will perform what you enjoin, Or may I never see you mine. Amen, (quoth she;) then turn'd about, And bid her Esquire let him out. 900 But ere an artist could be found T' undo the charms another bound, The sun grew low, and left the skies, Put down (some write) by ladies eyes, The moon pull'd off her veil of light 905 That hides her face by day from sight, (Mysterious veil, of brightness made, That's both her lustre and her shade,) And in the lanthorn of the night With shining horns hung out her light; 910 For darkness is the proper sphere, Where all false glories use t' appear. The twinkling stars began to muster, And glitter with their borrow'd lustre, While sleep the weary 'd world reliev'd, 915 By counterfeiting death reviv'd; His whipping penance till the morn Our vot'ry thought it best t' adjourn, And not to carry on a work Of such importance in the dark, 920 With erring haste, but rather stay, And do't in th' open face of day; And in the mean time go in quest Of next retreat to take his rest.



CANTO II

THE ARGUMENT.

————————————————————————- The Knight and Squire, in hot dispute, Within an ace of falling out, Are parted with a sudden fright Of strange alarm, and stranger sight; With which adventuring to stickle, They're sent away in nasty pickle. ————————————————————————-

'Tis strange how some mens' tempers suit (Like bawd and brandy) with dispute, That for their own opinions stand last Only to have them claw'd and canvast; That keep their consciences in cases, 5 As fiddlers do their crowds and bases, Ne'er to be us'd, but when they're bent To play a fit for argument; Make true and false, unjust and just, Of no use but to be discust; 10 Dispute, and set a paradox Like a straight boot upon the stocks, And stretch it more unmercifully Than HELMONT, MONTAIGN, WHITE, or TULLY, So th' ancient Stoicks, in their porch, 15 With fierce dispute maintain'd their church; Beat out their brains in fight and study, To prove that Virtue is a Body; That Bonum is an Animal, Made good with stout polemic brawl; 20 in which some hundreds on the place Were slain outright; and many a face Retrench'd of nose, and eyes, and beard, To maintain what their sect averr'd; All which the Knight and Squire, in wrath, 25 Had like t' have suffered for their faith, Each striving to make good his own, As by the sequel shall be shown.

The Sun had long since, in the lap Of THETIS, taken out his nap, 30 And, like a lobster boil'd, the morn From black to red began to turn, When HUDIBRAS, whom thoughts and aking, 'Twixt sleeping kept all night and waking, Began to rub his drowsy eyes, 35 And from his couch prepar'd to rise, Resolving to dispatch the deed He vow'd to do with trusty speed. But first, with knocking loud, and bawling, He rouz'd the Squire, in truckle lolling; 40 And, after many circumstances, Which vulgar authors, in romances, Do use to spend their time and wits on, To make impertinent description, They got (with much ado) to horse, 45 And to the Castle bent their course, In which he to the Dame before To suffer whipping duly swore; Where now arriv'd, and half unharnest, To carry on the work in earnest, 50 He stopp'd, and paus'd upon the sudden, And with a serious forehead plodding, Sprung a new scruple his head, Which first he scratch'd, and after said — Whether it be direct infringing 55 An oath, if I should wave this swingeing, And what I've sworn to bear, forbear, And so b' equivocation swear, Or whether it be a lesser sin To be forsworn than act the thing, 60 Are deep and subtle points, which must, T' inform my conscience, be discust; In which to err a tittle may To errors infinite make way; And therefore I desire to know 65 Thy judgment e'er we further go.

Quoth Ralpho, Since you do enjoin't, I shall enlarge upon the point; And, for my own part, do not doubt Th' affirmative may be made out, 70 But first, to state the case aright, For best advantage of our light, And thus 'tis: Whether 't be a sin To claw and curry your own skin, Greater or less, than to forbear, 75 And that you are forsworn, forswear. But first, o' th' first: The inward man, And outward, like a clan and clan, Have always been at daggers-drawing, And one another clapper-clawing. 80 Not that they really cuff, or fence, But in a Spiritual Mystick sense; Which to mistake, and make 'em squabble In literal fray's abominable. 'Tis heathenish, in frequent use 85 With Pagans and apostate Jews, To offer sacrifice of bridewells, Like modern Indians to their idols; And mongrel Christians of our times, That expiate less with greater crimes, 90 And call the foul abomination, Contrition and mortification. Is 't not enough we're bruis'd and kicked With sinful members of the wicked, Our vessels, that are sanctify'd, 95 Prophan'd and curry'd back and side, But we must claw ourselves with shameful And heathen stripes, by their example; Which (were there nothing to forbid it) Is impious because they did it; 100 This, therefore, may be justly reckon'd A heinous sin. Now to the second That Saints may claim a dispensation To swear and forswear, on occasion, I doubt not but it will appear 105 With pregnant light: the point is clear. Oaths are but words, and words but wind; Too feeble implements to bind; And hold with deeds proportion so As shadows to a substance do. 110 Then when they strive for place, 'tis fit The weaker vessel should submit. Although your Church be opposite To ours as Black Friars are to White, In rule and order, yet I grant, 115 You are a Reformado Saint; And what the Saints do claim as due, You may pretend a title to: But Saints whom oaths and vows oblige, Know little of their privilege; 120 Further (I mean) than carrying on Some self-advantage of their own: For if the Dev'l, to serve his turn, Can tell troth, why the Saints should scorn, When it serves theirs, to swear and lye; 125 I think there's little reason why: Else h' has a greater pow'r than they, Which 't were impiety to say. W' are not commanded to forbear Indefinitely at all to swear; 130 But to swear idly, and in vain, Without self-interest or gain For breaking of an oath, and lying, Is but a kind of self-denying; A Saint-like virtue: and from hence 135 Some have broke oaths by Providence Some, to the glory of the Lord, Perjur'd themselves, and broke their word; And this the constant rule and practice Of all our late Apostles acts is. 140 Was not the cause at first begun With perjury, and carried on? Was there an oath the Godly took, But in due time and place they broke? Did we not bring our oaths in first, 145 Before our plate, to have them burst, And cast in fitter models for The present use of Church and War? Did not our Worthies of the House, Before they broke the peace, break vows? 150 For having freed us first from both Th' Allegiance and Supremacy Oath, Did they not next compel the Nation To take and break the Protestation? To swear, and after to recant 155 The solemn League and Covenant? To take th' Engagement, and disclaim it, Enforc'd by those who first did frame it Did they not swear, at first, to fight For the KING'S Safety and his Right, 160 And after march'd to find him out, And charg'd him home with horse and foot; But yet still had the confidence To swear it was in his defence Did they not swear to live and die 165 With Essex, and straight laid him by?

If that were all, for some have swore As false as they, if th' did no more, Did they not swear to maintain Law, In which that swearing made a flaw? 170 For Protestant Religion vow, That did that vowing disallow? For Privilege of Parliament, In which that swearing made a rent? And since, of all the three, not one 175 Is left in being, 'tis well known. Did they not swear, in express words, To prop and back the House of Lords, And after turn'd out the whole House-full Of Peers, as dang'rous and unusefull? 180 So CROMWELL, with deep oaths and vows, Swore all the Commons out o' th' House; Vow'd that the red-coats would disband, Ay, marry wou'd they, at their command; And troll'd them on, and swore, and swore, 185 Till th' army turn'd them out of door. This tells us plainly what they thought, That oaths and swearing go for nought, And that by them th' were only meant To serve for an expedient. 190 What was the Public Faith found out for, But to slur men of what they fought for The Public Faith, which ev'ry one Is bound t' observe, yet kept by none; And if that go for nothing, why 195 Should Private Faith have such a tye? Oaths were not purpos'd more than law, To keep the good and just in awe, But to confine the bad and sinful, Like moral cattle, in a pinfold. 200 A Saint's of th' Heav'nly Realm a Peer; And as no Peer is bound to swear, But on the Gospel of his Honour, Of which he may dispose as owner, It follows, though the thing be forgery, 205 And false th' affirm, it is no perjury, But a mere ceremony, and a breach Of nothing, but a form of speech; And goes for no more when 'tis took, Than mere saluting of the book. 210 Suppose the Scriptures are of force, They're but commissions of course, And Saints have freedom to digress, And vary from 'em, as they please; Or mis-interpret them, by private 215 Instructions, to all aims they drive at. Then why should we ourselves abridge And curtail our own privilege? Quakers (that, like to lanthorns, bear Their light within 'em) will not swear 220 Their gospel is an accidence, By which they construe conscience, And hold no sin so deeply red, As that of breaking Priscian's head; (The head and founder of their order,) 225 That stirring Hat's held worse than murder. These thinking th' are oblig'd to troth In swearing, will not take an oath Like mules, who, if th' have not their will To keep their own pace, stand stock-still: 230 But they are weak, and little know What free-born consciences may do. 'Tis the temptation of the Devil That makes all human actions evil For Saints may do the same things by 235 The Spirit, in sincerity, Which other men are tempted to, And at the Devil's instance do And yet the actions be contrary, Just as the Saints and Wicked vary. 240 For as on land there is no beast, But in some fish at sea's exprest, So in the Wicked there's no Vice, Of which the Saints have not a spice; And yet that thing that's pious in 245 The one, in th' other is a sin. Is't not ridiculous, and nonsense, A Saint should be a slave to conscience, That ought to be above such fancies, As far as above ordinances? 250 She's of the wicked, as I guess, B' her looks, her language, and her dress: And though, like constables, we search, For false wares, one another's Church, Yet all of us hold this for true, 255 No Faith is to the wicked due; For truth is precious and divine; Too rich a pearl for carnal swine,

Quoth HUDIBRAS, All this is true; 260 Yet 'tis not fit that all men knew, Those mysteries and revelations, And therefore topical evasions Of subtle turns and shifts of sense, Serve best with th' wicked for pretence, Such as the learned Jesuits use, 265 And Presbyterians for excuse Against the Protestants, when th' happen To find their Churches taken napping: As thus: A breach of oath is duple, And either way admits a scruple, 270 And may be, ex parte of the maker More criminal than th' injur'd taker; For he that strains too far a vow, Will break it, like an o'er-bent bow: And he that made, and forc'd it, broke it, 275 Not he that for convenience took it. A broken oath is, quatenus oath, As sound t' all purposes of troth, As broken laws are ne'er the worse; Nay, till th' are broken have no force. 280 What's justice to a man, or laws, That never comes within their claws They have no pow'r, but to admonish: Cannot controul, coerce, or punish, Until they're broken, and then touch 285 Those only that do make 'em such. Beside, no engagement is allow'd By men in prison made for good; For when they're set at liberty, They're from th' engagement too set free. 290 The rabbins write, when any Jew Did make to God, or man, a vow, Which afterward he found untoward, And stubborn to be kept, or too hard, Any three other Jews o' th' nation, 295 Might free him from the obligation And have not two saints pow'r to use A greater privilege than three Jews? The court of conscience, which in man Should be supreme and sovereign, 300 Is't fit should be subordinate To ev'ry petty court i' the state, And have less power than the lesser, To deal with perjury at pleasure? Have its proceedings disallow'd, or 305 Allow'd, at fancy of Pye-Powder? Tell all it does, or does not know, For swearing ex officio? Be forc'd t' impeach a broken hedge, And pigs unring'd at Vis. Franc. Pledge? 310 Discover thieves, and bawds, recusants, Priests, witches, eves-droppers, and nuisance: Tell who did play at games unlawful, And who fill'd pots of ale but half-full And have no pow'r at all, nor shift, 315 To help itself at a dead lift Why should not conscience have vacation As well as other courts o' th' nation Have equal power to adjourn, Appoint appearance and return; 320 And make as nice distinction serve To split a case, as those that carve, Invoking cuckolds' names, hit joints; Why should not tricks as slight do points Is not th' High-Court of Justice sworn 325 To judge that law that serves their turn, Make their own jealousies high-treason, And fix 'm whomsoe'er they please on? Cannot the learned counsel there Make laws in any shape appear? 330 Mould 'em as witches do their clay, When they make pictures to destroy And vex 'em into any form That fits their purpose to do harm? Rack 'em until they do confess, 335 Impeach of treason whom they please, And most perfidiously condemn Those that engag'd their lives for them? And yet do nothing in their own sense, But what they ought by oath and conscience? 340 Can they not juggle, and, with slight Conveyance, play with wrong and right; And sell their blasts of wind as dear As Lapland witches bottled air? Will not fear, favour, bribe and grudge 345 The same case sev'ral ways adjudge? As seamen, with the self-same gale, Will sev'ral different courses sail? As when the sea breaks o'er its bounds, And overflows the level grounds, 350 Those banks and dams, that, like a screen, Did keep it out, now keep it in; So when tyrannic usurpation Invades the freedom of a nation, The laws o' th' land, that were intended 355 To keep it out, are made defend it. Does not in chanc'ry ev'ry man swear What makes best for him in his answer? Is not the winding up witnesses And nicking more than half the bus'ness? 360 For witnesses, like watches, go Just as they're set, too fast or slow; And where in conscience they're strait-lac'd, 'Tis ten to one that side is cast. Do not your juries give their verdict 365 As if they felt the cause, not heard it? And as they please, make matter of fact Run all on one side, as they're pack't? Nature has made man's breast no windores, To publish what he does within doors, 370 Nor what dark secrets there inhabit, Unless his own rash folly blab it. If oaths can do a man no good In his own bus'ness, why they shou'd In other matters do him hurt, 375 I think there's little reason for't. He that imposes an oath, makes it, Not he that for convenience takes it: Then how can any man be said To break an oath he never made? 380 These reasons may, perhaps, look oddly To th' Wicked, though th' evince the Godly; But if they will not serve to clear My honour, I am ne'er the near. Honour is like that glassy bubble 385 That finds philosophers such trouble, Whose least part crack't, the whole does fly, And wits are crack'd to find out why.

Quoth RALPHO, Honour's but a word To swear by only in a Lord: 390 In other men 'tis but a huff, To vapour with instead of proof; That, like a wen, looks big and swells, Is senseless, and just nothing else.

Let it (quoth he) be what it will, 395 It has the world's opinion still. But as men are not wise that run The slightest hazard they may shun, There may a medium be found out To clear to all the world the doubt; 400 And that is, if a man may do't, By proxy whipt, or substitute.

Though nice and dark the point appear, (Quoth RALPH) it may hold up and clear. That sinners may supply the place 405 Of suff'ring Saints is a plain case. Justice gives sentence many times On one man for another's crimes.

Our brethren of NEW ENGLAND use Choice malefactors to excuse, 410 And hang the guiltless in their stead, Of whom the Churches have less need; As lately 't happen'd: In a town There liv'd a cobler, and but one, That out of doctrine could cut use, 415 And mend men's lives as well as shoes, This precious brother having slain, In time of peace, an Indian, (Not out of malice, but mere zeal, Because he was an Infidel,) 420 The mighty TOTTIPOTTYMOY Sent to our elders an envoy, Complaining sorely of the breach Of league held forth by brother Patch Against the articles in force 425 Between both Churches, his and ours For which he crav'd the Saints to render Into his hands or hang th' offender But they maturely having weigh'd, They had no more but him o' th' trade, 430 (A man that serv'd them in a double Capacity, to teach and cobble,) Resolv'd to spare him; yet, to do The Indian Hoghgan Moghgan too Impartial justice, in his stead did 435 Hang an old Weaver, that was bed-rid. Then wherefore way not you be skipp'd, And in your room another whipp'd? For all Philosophers, but the Sceptick, Hold whipping may be sympathetick. 440

It is enough, quoth HUDIBRAS, Thou hast resolv'd and clear'd the case And canst, in conscience, not refuse From thy own doctrine to raise use. I know thou wilt not (for my sake) 445 Be tender-conscienc'd of thy back. Then strip thee off thy carnal jerking, And give thy outward-fellow a ferking; For when thy vessel is new hoop'd, All leaks of sinning will be stopp'd. 450

Quoth RALPHO, You mistake the matter; For in all scruples of this nature, No man includes himself, nor turns The point upon his own concerns. As no man of his own self catches 455 The itch, or amorous French aches So no man does himself convince, By his own doctrine, of his sins And though all cry down self, none means His ownself in a literal sense. 460 Beside, it is not only foppish, But vile, idolatrous and Popish, For one man, out of his own skin, To ferk and whip another's sin; As pedants out of school-boys' breeches 465 Do claw and curry their own itches. But in this case it is prophane, And sinful too, because in vain; For we must take our oaths upon it, You did the deed, when I have done it. 470

Quoth HUDIBRAS, That's answer'd soon Give us the whip, we'll lay it on.

Quoth RALPHO, That we may swear true, 'Twere properer that I whipp'd you For when with your consent 'tis done, 475 The act is really your own.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, It is in vain (I see) to argue 'gainst the grain; Or, like the stars, incline men to What they're averse themselves to do: 480 For when disputes are weary'd out, 'Tis interest still resolves the doubt But since no reason can confute ye, I'll try to force you to your duty For so it is, howe'er you mince it; 485 As ere we part, I shall evince it And curry (if you stand out) whether You will or no, your stubborn leather. Canst thou refuse to hear thy part I' th' publick work, base as thou art? 490 To higgle thus for a few blows, To gain thy Knight an op'lent spouse Whose wealth his bowels yearn to purchase, Merely for th' interest of the Churches; And when he has it in his claws, 495 Will not be hide-bound to the Cause? Nor shalt thou find him a Curmudgin, If thou dispatch it without grudging. If not, resolve, before we go, That you and I must pull a crow. 500

Y' had best (quoth RALPHO) as the ancients Say wisely, Have a care o' th' main chance, And look before you ere you leap; For as you sow, y' are like to reap: And were y' as good as George-a-Green, 505 I shall make bold to turn agen Nor am I doubtful of the issue In a just quarrel, and mine is so. Is't fitting for a man of honour To whip the Saints, like Bishop Bonner? 510 A Knight t' usurp the beadle's office, For which y' are like to raise brave trophies. But I advise you (not for fear, But for your own sake) to forbear; And for the Churches, which may chance, 515 From hence, to spring a variance; And raise among themselves new scruples, Whom common danger hardly couples. Remember how, in arms and politicks, We still have worsted all your holy tricks; 520 Trepann'd your party with intrigue, And took your grandees down a peg; New modell'd th' army, and cashier'd All that to legion SMEC adher'd; Made a mere utensil o' your Church, 525 And after left it in the lurch A scaffold to build up our own, And, when w' had done with't, pull'd it down Capoch'd your Rabbins of the Synod, And snap'd their Canons with a why-not; 530 (Grave Synod Men, that were rever'd For solid face and depth of beard;) Their classic model prov'd a maggot, Their direct'ry an Indian Pagod; And drown'd their discipline like a kitten, 535 On which they'd been so long a sitting; Decry'd it as a holy cheat, Grown out of date, and obsolete; And all the Saints of the first grass As casting foals of Balaam's ass. 540

At this the Knight grew high in chafe, And staring furiously on RALPH, He trembled, and look'd pale with ire Like ashes first, then red as fire. Have I (quoth he) been ta'en in fight, 545 And for so many moons lain by't, And, when all other means did fail, Have been exchang'd for tubs of ale? Not but they thought me worth a ransome Much more consid'rable and handsome, 550 But for their own sakes, and for fear They were not safe when I was there Now to be baffled by a scoundrel, An upstart sect'ry, and a mungrel; Such as breed out of peccant humours, 555 Of our own Church, like wens or tumours, And, like a maggot in a sore, Would that which gave it life devour; It never shall be done or said; With that he seiz'd upon his blade; 560 And RALPHO too, as quick and bold, Upon his basket-hilt laid hold, With equal readiness prcpar'd To draw, and stand upon his guard; When both were parted on the sudden, 565 With hideous clamour, and a loud one As if all sorts of noise had been Contracted into one loud din; Or that some member to be chosen, Had got the odds above a thousand, 570 And by the greatness of its noise, Prov'd fittest for his country's choice. This strange surprisal put the Knight And wrathful Squire into a fright; And though they stood prepar'd, with fatal 575 Impetuous rancour to join battel, Both thought it was the wisest course To wave the fight and mount to horse, And to secure by swift retreating, Themselves from danger of worse beating. 580 Yet neither of them would disparage, By utt'ring of his mind, his courage, Which made them stoutly keep their ground, With horror and disdain wind-bound.

And now the cause of all their fear 585 By slow degrees approach'd so near, They might distinguish different noise Of horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys, And kettle-drums, whose sullen dub Sounds like the hooping of a tub. 590 But when the sight appear'd in view, They found it was an antique show; A triumph, that, for pomp and state, Did proudest Romans emulate: For as the aldermen of Rome 595 Their foes at training overcome, And not enlarging territory, (As some mistaken write in Story,) Being mounted, in their best array, Upon a carr, and who but they! 600 And follow'd with a world of tall-lads, That merry ditties troll'd, and ballads, Did ride with many a good-morrow, Crying, Hey for our Town! through the Borough So when this triumph drew so nigh 605 They might particulars descry, They never saw two things so pat, In all respects, as this and that. First, he that led the cavalcade, Wore a sow-gelder's flagellate, 610 On which he blew as strong a levet As well-fee'd lawyer on his breviate, When over one another's heads They charge (three ranks at once) like Swedes, Next pans and kettle, of all keys, 615 From trebles down to double base; And after them, upon a nag, That might pass for a forehand stag, A cornet rode, and on his staff A smock display'd did proudly wave. 620 Then bagpipes of the loudest drones, With snuffling broken-winded tones, Whose blasts of air, in pockets shut Sound filthier than from the gut, And make a viler noise than swine 625 In windy weather, when they whine. Next one upon a pair of panniers, Full fraught with that which for good manners Shall here be nameless, mixt with grains, Which he dispens'd among the swains, 630 And busily upon the crowd At random round about bestow'd. Then, mounted on a horned horse, One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs, Ty'd to the pummel of a long sword 635 He held reverst, the point turn'd downward, Next after, on a raw-bon'd steed, The conqueror's standard-bearer rid, And bore aloft before the champion A petticoat display'd, and rampant 640 Near whom the Amazon triumphant Bestrid her beast, and on the rump on't Sat face to tail, and bum to bum, The warrior whilom overcome; Arm'd with a spindle and a distaff, 645 Which, as he rode, she made him twist off; And when he loiter'd, o'er her shoulder Chastis'd the reformado soldier. Before the dame, and round about, March'd whifflers and staffiers on foot, 650 With lackies, grooms, valets, and pages, In fit and proper equipages; Of whom some torches bore, some links, Before the proud virago minx, That was both Madam and a Don, 655 Like NERO'S SPORUS, or POPE JOAN; And at fit periods the whole rout Set up their throats with clamorous shout. The Knight, transported, and the Squire, Put up their weapons, and their ire; 660 And HUDIBRAS, who us'd to ponder On such sights with judicious wonder, Could hold no longer to impart His animadversions, for his heart.

Quoth he, In all my life, till now, 665 I ne'er saw so prophane a show. It is a Paganish invention, — Which heathen writers often mention: And he who made it had read GOODWIN, Or Ross, or CAELIUS RHODOGINE, 670 With all the Grecians, SPEEDS and STOWS, That best describe those ancient shows; And has observ'd all fit decorums We find describ'd by old historians: For as the Roman conqueror, 675 That put an end to foreign war, Ent'ring the town in triumph for it, Bore a slave with him, in his chariot; So this insulting female brave, Carries behind her here a slave: 680 And as the ancients long ago, When they in field defy'd the foe, Hung out their mantles della guerre, So her proud standard-bearer here Waves on his spear, in dreadful manner, 685 A Tyrian-petticoat for banner: Next links and torches, heretofore Still borne before the emperor. And as, in antique triumphs, eggs Were borne for mystical intrigues, 690 There's one with truncheon, like a ladle, That carries eggs too, fresh or addle; And still at random, as he goes, Among the rabble-rout bestows.

Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter; 695 For all th' antiquity you smatter, Is but a riding, us'd of course When the grey mare's the better horse; When o'er the breeches greedy women Fight to extend their vast dominion; 700 And in the cause impatient Grizel Has drubb'd her Husband with bull's pizzle, And brought him under Covert-Baron, To turn her vassal with a murrain; When wives their sexes shift, like hares, 705 And ride their husbands like night-mares, And they in mortal battle vanquish'd, Are of their charter disenfranchis'd And by the right of war, like gills, Condemn'd to distaff, horns, and wheels: 710 For when men by their wives are cow'd, Their horns of course are understood

Quoth HUDIBRAS thou still giv'st sentence Impertinently, and against sense. Tis not the least disparagement 715 To be defeated by th' event, Nor to be beaten by main force; That does not make a man the worse, Although his shoulders with battoon Be claw'd and cudgel'd to some tune. 720 A taylor's 'prentice has no hard Measure that's bang'd with a true yard: But to turn tail, or run away, And without blows give up the day, Or to surrender ere th' assault, 725 That's no man's fortune, but his fault, And renders men of honour less Than all th' adversity of success; And only unto such this shew Of horns and petticoats is due. 730 There is a lesser profanation, Like that the Romans call'd ovation: For as ovation was allow'd For conquest purchas'd without blood, So men decree these lesser shows 735 For victory gotten without blows, By dint of sharp hard words, which some Give battle with, and overcome. These mounted in a chair-curule, Which moderns call a cucking-stool, 740 March proudly to the river's side, And o'er the waves in triumph ride; Like Dukes of VENICE, who are said The Adriatick Sea to wed; And have a gentler wife than those 745 For whom the State decrees those shows, But both are heathenish, and come From th' whores of Babylon and Rome; And by the Saints should be withstood, As Antichristian and lewd; 750 And as such, should now contribute Our utmost struggling to prohibit.

This said, they both advanc'd, and rode A dog-trot through the bawling crowd, T'attack the leader, and still prest, 755 Till they approach'd him breast to breast Then HUDIBRAS, with face and hand, Made signs for silence; which obtain'd, What means (quoth he) this Devil's precession With men of orthodox profession? 760 'Tis ethnic and idolatrous, From heathenism deriv'd to us, Does not the Whore of Babylon ride Upon her horned beast astride Like this proud dame, who either is 765 A type of her, or she of this? Are things of superstitious function Fit to be us'd in Gospel Sun-shine? It is an Antichristian opera, Much us'd in midnight times of Popery, 770 Of running after self-inventions Of wicked and profane intentions; To scandalize that sex for scolding, To whom the Saints are so beholden. Women, who were our first Apostles 775 Without whose aid we had been lost else; Women, that left no stone unturn'd In which the Cause might he concern'd; Brought in their children's' spoons and whistles, To purchase swords, carbines, and pistols; 780 Their husbands, cullies, and sweet-hearts, To take the Saints and Churches' parts; Drew several gifted Brethren in, That for the Bishops would have been, And fix'd 'em constant to the party, 785 With motives powerful and hearty; Their husbands robb'd, and made hard shifts T'administer unto their gifts All they cou'd rap, and rend, and pilfer, To scraps and ends of gold and silver; 790 Rubb'd down the Teachers, tir'd and spent With holding forth for Parliament, Pamper'd and edify'd their zeal With marrow-puddings many a meal; And led them, with store of meat, 795 On controverted points to eat; And cram'd 'em, till their guts did ake, With cawdle, custard, and plum-cake: What have they done, or what left undone, That might advance the Cause at London? 800 March'd rank and file, with drum and ensign, T'intrench the city for defence in Rais'd rampiers with their own soft hands, To put the enemy to stands; From ladies down to oyster-wenches, 805 Labour'd like pioneers in trenches; Fell to their pick-axes, and tools, And help'd the men to dig like moles? Have not the handmaids of the city Chose of their members a committee, 810 For raising of a common purse Out of their wages to raise horse? And do they not as triers sit, To judge what officers are fit Have they —? At that an egg let fly, 815 Hit him directly o'er the eye, And running down his cheek, besmear'd, With orange tawny slime, his beard; But beard and slime being of one hue, The wound the less appear'd in view. 820 Then he that on the panniers rode, Let fly on th' other side a load, And, quickly charg'd again, gave fully In RALPHO'S face another volley. The Knight was startled with the smell, 825 And for his sword began to feel; And RALPHO, smother'd with the stink, Grasp'd his; when one, that bore a link, O' th' sudden clapp'd his flaming cudgel, Like linstock, to the horse's touch-hole; 830 And straight another, with his flambeaux, Gave RALPHO'S o'er the eye a damn'd blow. The beasts began to kick and fling, And forc'd the rout to make a ring, Through which they quickly broke their way, 835 And brought them off from further fray; And though disorder'd in retreat, Each of them stoutly kept his seat For quitting both their swords and reins, They grasp'd with all their strength the manes, 840 And, to avoid the foe's pursuit, With spurring put their cattle to't; And till all four were out of wind, And danger too, ne'er look'd behind. After th' had paus'd a while, supplying 845 Their spirits, spent with fight and flying, And HUDIBRAS recruited force Of lungs, for action or discourse,

Quoth he, That man is sure to lose That fouls his hands with dirty foes: 850 For where no honour's to be gain'd, 'Tis thrown away in b'ing maintain'd. 'Twas ill for us we had to do With so dishonourable a foe: For though the law of arms doth bar 855 The use of venom'd shot in war, Yet, by the nauseous smell, and noisome, Their case-shot savours strong of poison; And doubtless have been chew'd with teeth Of some that had a stinking breath; 860 Else, when we put it to the push, They have not giv'n us such a brush. But as those pultroons, that fling dirt, Do but defile, but cannot hurt, So all the honour they have won, 865 Or we have lost, is much as one, 'Twas well we made so resolute And brave retreat without pursuit; For if we had not, we had sped Much worse, to be in triumph led; 870 Than which the ancients held no state Of man's life more unfortunate. But if this bold adventure e'er Do chance to reach the widow's ear, It may, b'ing destin'd to assert 875 Her sex's honour, reach her heart: And as such homely treats (they say) Portend good fortune, so this may. VESPASIAN being daub'd with dirt, Was destin'd to the empire for't; 880 And from a Scavenger did come To be a mighty Prince in Rome And why may not this foul address Presage in love the same success Then let us straight, to cleanse our wounds, 885 Advance in quest of nearest ponds, And after (as we first design'd) Swear I've perform'd what she enjoin'd.

NOTES TO PART II. CANTO II.

15 So th' ancient Stoicks, &c.] In Porticu (Stoicorum Schola Athenis) Discipulorum Seditionibus mille Quadrigenti triginta Cives interfecti sunt. — Diog. Laert. In Vita Zenonis, p. 383. [One thousand four hundred and thirty citizens were killed in the quarrels of the disciples in the porch (of the Stoic School of Athens).] Those old Virtuosos were better proficients in those exercises than modern, who seldom improve higher than cuffing and kicking.

19 Bonum is such a kind of animal as our modern virtuosi from Don Quixote will have windmills under sail to be. The same authors are of opinion, that all ships are fishes while they are afloat; but when they are run on ground, & laid up, in the dock, become ships again.

413 in a town, &c.] The history of the Cobler had been attested by persons of good credit, who were upon the place when it was done.

548 Have been exchang'd, &c.] The knight was kept prisoner in Exeter, and, after several exchanges proposed, but none accepted of, was at last released for a barrel of ale, as he often used to declare.

678 Bore a slave with him in his chariot. ——— Et sibi Consul Me placeat, curru servus portatur eodem. [And it pleased the Consul to have me carried as a slave in his chariot]

683 Hung out, &c.] Tunica Coccinia solebat pridie quam dimicandum esset, supra praetorium poni, quasi admonito, & indicium futurae pugnae. [The praetors wore scarlet tunics on the day before the battle, for a warning, and a portent of the future. ] Lipsius in Tacit. p. 56.

687 next links, &c.] That the Roman Emperors were wont to have torches borne before them (by day) appears by Herodian in Pertinace. Lipsius in Tacit. p. 16.

879 Vespasian being dawb'd, &c.] C. Caesar sucensens, propter curam verrendis viis non adhibitam, Luto jussit appleri congesto per milites in praetexte sinum. Sueton. in Vespas. C.5.



PART II

CANTO III.

THE ARGUMENT

————————————————————————- The Knight, with various Doubts possest, To win the Lady goes in quest Of Sidrophel, the Rosy-Crucian, To know the Dest'nies' Resolution; With whom being met, they both chop Logick About the Science Astrologick, Till falling from Dispute to Fight, The Conj'rer's worsted by the Knight. ————————————————————————-

Doubtless the pleasure is as great Of being cheated as to cheat; As lookers-on feel most delight, That least perceive a jugler's slight; And still the less they understand, 5 The more th' admire his slight of hand.

Some with a noise, and greasy light, Are snapt, as men catch larks by night; Ensnar'd and hamper'd by the soul, As nooses by their legs catch fowl l0 Some with a med'cine, and receipt, Are drawn to nibble at the bait; And tho' it be a two-foot trout, 'Tis with a single hair pull'd out.

Others believe no voice t' an organ 15 So sweet as lawyer's in his bar-gown, Until with subtle cobweb-cheats Th'are catch'd in knotted law, like nets; In which, when once they are imbrangled, The more they stir, the more they're tangled; 20 And while their purses can dispute, There's no end of th' immortal suit.

Others still gape t' anticipate The cabinet-designs of fate; Apply to wizards, to foresee 25 What shall and what shall never be; And, as those vultures do forebode, Believe events prove bad or good: A flam more senseless than the roguery Of old aruspicy and aug'ry. 30 That out of garbages of cattle Presag'd th' events of truce or battle; From flight of birds, or chickens pecking, Success of great'st attempts would reckon: Though cheats, yet more intelligible 35 Than those that with the stars do fribble. This HUDIBRAS by proof found true, As in due time and place we'll shew: For he, with beard and face made clean, B'ing mounted on his steed agen, 40 (And RALPHO got a cock-horse too Upon his beast, with much ado) Advanc'd on for the Widow's house, To acquit himself, and pay his vows; When various thoughts began to bustle, 45 And with his inward man to justle He thought what danger might accrue If she should find he swore untrue; Or if his squire or he should fail, And not be punctual in their tale: 50 It might at once the ruin prove Both of his honour, faith, and love. But if he should forbear to go, She might conclude h'had broke his vow; And that he durst not now for-shame 55 Appear in court to try his claim. This was the pen'worth of his thought, To pass time and uneasy trot.

Quoth he, In all my past adventures I ne'er was set so on the tenters; 60 Or taken tardy with dilemma, That ev'ry way I turn does hem me, And with inextricable doubt Besets my puzzled wits about: For tho' the dame has been my bail, 65 To free me from enchanted jail, Yet as a dog, committed close For some offence, by chance breaks loose, And quits his clog, but all in vain, He still draws after him his chain; 70 So, though my ankle she has quitted, My heart continues still committed; And like a bail'd and main-priz'd lover, Altho' at large, I am bound over; And when I shall appear in court, 75 To plead my cause, and answer for't, Unless the judge do partial prove, What will become of me and love? For if in our account we vary, Or but in circumstance miscarry; 80 Or if she put me to strict proof, And make me pull my doublet off, To shew, by evident record Writ on my skin, I've kept my Word; How can I e'er expect to have her, 85 Having demurr'd onto her favour? But faith, and love, and honour lost,. Shall be reduc'd t' a Knight o' th' Post. Beside, that stripping may prevent What I'm to prove by argument, 90 And justify I have a tail And that way, too, my proof may fail. Oh that I cou'd enucleate, And solve the problems of my fate Or find, by necromantick art, 95 How far the dest'nies take my part For if I were not more than certain To win and wear her, and her fortune, I'd go no farther in his courtship, To hazard soul, estate, and worship 100 For though an oath obliges not Where any thing is to be got, (As thou last prov'd) yet 'tis profane, And sinful, when men swear in vain.

Quoth RALPH, Not far from hence doth dwell 105 A cunning man, hight SIDROPHEL, That deals in destiny's dark counsels, And sage opinions of the Moon sells; To whom all people, far and near, On deep importances repair; 110 When brass and pewter hap to stray, And linen slinks out of the way; When geese and pullen are seduc'd, And sows of sucking-pigs are chows'd; When cattle feel indisposition, 115 And need th' opinion of physician; When murrain reigns in hogs or sheep. And chickens languish of the pip; When yeast and outward means do fail, And have no pow'r to work on ale: 120 When butter does refuse to come, And love proves cross and humoursome: To him with questions, and with urine, They for discov'ry flock, or curing.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, This SIDROPHEL 125 I've heard of, and should like it well, If thou canst prove the Saints have freedom To go to Sorc'rers when they need 'em.

Says RALPHO, There's no doubt of that Whose principles I quoted late, 130 Prove that the Godly may alledge For any thing their Privilege; And to the Dev'l himself may go, If they have motives thereunto. For, as there is a war between 135 The Dev'l and them, it is no sin, If they by subtle stratagem Make use of him, as he does them. Has not this present Parliament A Ledger to the Devil sent, 140 Fully impowr'd to treat about Finding revolted witches out And has not he, within a year, Hang'd threescore of 'em in one shire? Some only for not being drown'd, 145 And some for sitting above ground, Whole days and nights, upon their breeches, And feeling pain, were hang'd for witches. And some for putting knavish tricks Upon green geese and turky-chicks, 150 And pigs, that suddenly deceast Of griefs unnat'ral, as he guest; Who after prov'd himself a witch And made a rod for his own breech. Did not the Devil appear to MARTIN 155 LUTHER in Germany for certain; And wou'd have gull'd him with a trick, But Martin was too politick? Did he not help the Dutch to purge At ANTWERP their Cathedral Church? 160 Sing catches to the Saints at MASCON, And tell them all they came to ask him Appear'd in divers shapes to KELLY, And speak i' th' Nun of LOUDON's belly? Meet with the Parliament's Committee 165 At WOODSTOCK on a pers'nal treaty? At SARUM take a cavalier I' th' Cause's service prisoner As WITHERS, in immortal rhime, Has register'd to after-time! 170 Do not nor great Reformers use This SIDROPHEL to forebode news? To write of victories next year, And castles taken yet i' th' air Of battles fought at sea, and ships 175 Sank two years hence, the last eclipse? A total overthrow giv'n the King In Cornwall, horse and foot, next Spring! And has not he point-blank foretold Whats'e'er the Close Committee would? 180 Made Mars and Saturn for the Cause The moon for Fundamental Laws? The Ram, the Bull, and Goat declare Against the Book of Common-Pray'r? The Scorpion take the Protestation, 185 And Bear engage for Reformation? Made all the Royal Stars recant, Compound and take the Covenant?

Quoth HUDIBRAS, The case is clear, The Saints may 'mploy a Conjurer, 190 As thou hast prov'd it by their practice; No argument like matter of fact is; And we are best of all led to Men's principles by what they do. Then let us straight advance in quest 195 Of this profound Gymnosophist And as the Fates and he advise, Pursue or wave this enterprise,

This said, he turn'd about his steed, And eftsoons on th' adventure rid; 200 Where leave we him and RALPH a while, And to the Conjurer turn our stile, To let our reader understand What's useful of him before-hand.

He had been long t'wards mathematicks, 205 Optics, philosophy, and staticks, Magick, horoscopy, astrology, And was old dog at physiology But as a dog that turns the spit Bestirs himself, and plies his feet, 210 To climb the wheel, but all in vain, His own weight brings him down again, And still he's in the self-same place Where at his setting out h was So in the circle of the arts 215 Did he advance his nat'ral parts, Till falling back still, for retreat, He fell to juggle, cant, and cheat: For as those fowls that live in water Are never wet, he did but smatter: 220 Whate'er he labour'd to appear, His understanding still was clear Yet none a deeper knowledge boasted, Since old HODGE-BACON and BOB GROSTED. Th' Intelligible World he knew, 225 And all men dream on't to be true; That in this world there's not a wart That has not there a counterpart; Nor can there on the face of ground An individual beard be found, 230 That has not, in that foreign nation, A fellow of the self-same fashion So cut, so colour'd, and so curl'd, As those are in th' Inferior World. H' had read DEE's Prefaces before, 235 The DEV'L, and EUCLID, o'er and o'er; And all the intrigues 'twixt him and KELLY, LESCUS and th' EMPEROR, wou'd tell ye; But with the Moon was more familiar Than e'er was almanack well-willer; 240 Her secrets understood so clear, That some believ'd he had been there; Knew when she was in the fittest mood For cutting corns, or letting blood; When for anointing scabs or itches, 245 Or to the bum applying leeches; When sows and bitches may be spay'd, And in what sign best cyder's made: Whether the wane be, or increase, Best to set garlick, or sow pease: 250 Who first found out the Man i' th' Moon, That to the ancients was unknown; How many dukes, and earls, and peers, Are in the planetary spheres; Their airy empire and command, 255 Their sev'ral strengths by sea and land; What factions th' have, and what they drive at In public vogue, or what in private; With what designs and interests Each party manages contests. 260 He made an instrument to know If the Moon shine at full or no; That wou'd as soon as e'er she shone, straight Whether 'twere day or night demonstrate; Tell what her d'meter t' an inch is, 265 And prove that she's not made of green cheese. It wou'd demonstrate, that the Man in The Moon's a Sea Mediterranean; And that it is no dog nor bitch, That stands behind him at his breech, 270 But a huge Caspian Sea, or lake, With arms, which men for legs mistake; How large a gulph his tail composes, And what a goodly bay his nose is; How many German leagues by th' scale 275 Cape Snout's from Promontory Tail. He made a planetary gin, Which rats would run their own heads in, And cause on purpose to be taken, Without th' expence of cheese or bacon. 280 With lute-strings he would counterfeit Maggots that crawl on dish of meat: Quote moles and spots on any place O' th' body, by the index face: Detect lost maiden-heads by sneezing, 285 Or breaking wind of dames, or pissing; Cure warts and corns with application Of med'cines to th' imagination; Fright agues into dogs, and scare With rhimes the tooth-ach and catarrh; 290 Chace evil spirits away by dint Of cickle, horse-shoe, hollow-flint; Spit fire out of a walnut-shell, Which made the Roman slaves rebel; And fire a mine in China here 295 With sympathetic gunpowder. He knew whats'ever's to be known, But much more than he knew would own; What med'cine 'twas that PARACELSUS Could make a man with, as he tells us; 300 What figur'd slates are best to make On watry surface duck or drake; What bowling-stones, in running race Upon a board, have swiftest pace; Whether a pulse beat in the black 305 List of a dappled louse's back; If systole or diastole move Quickest when he's in wrath or love When two of them do run a race, Whether they gallop, trot, or pace: 310 How many scores a flea will jump, Of his own length, from head to rump; Which SOCRATES and CHAEREPHON, In vain, assay'd so long agon; Whether his snout a perfect nose is, 315 And not an elephant's proboscis How many diff'rent specieses Of maggots breed in rotten cheese And which are next of kin to those Engender'd in a chandler's nose; 320 Or those not seen, but understood, That live in vinegar and wood.

A paultry wretch he had, half-starv'd, That him in place of Zany serv'd. Hight WHACHUM, bred to dash and draw, 325 Not wine, but more unwholesome law To make 'twixt words and lines huge gaps, Wide as meridians in maps; To squander paper, and spare ink, And cheat men of their words, some think. 330 From this, by merited degrees, He'd to more high advancement rise; To be an under-conjurer, A journeyman astrologer. His business was to pump and wheedle, 335 And men with their own keys unriddle; And make them to themselves give answers, For which they pay the necromancers; To fetch and carry intelligence, Of whom, and what, and where, and whence, 340 And all discoveries disperse Among th' whole pack of conjurers What cut-purses have left with them For the right owners to redeem; And what they dare not vent find out, 345 To gain themselves and th' art repute; Draw figures, schemes, and horoscopes, Of Newgate, Bridewell, brokers' shops, Of thieves ascendant in the cart; And find out all by rules of art; 350 Which way a serving-man, that's run With cloaths or money away, is gone: Who pick'd a fob at holding forth; And where a watch, for half the worth, May be redeem'd; or stolen plate 355 Restor'd at conscionable rate. Beside all this, he serv'd his master In quality of poetaster; And rhimes appropriate could make To ev'ry month i' th almanack 360 What terms begin and end could tell, With their returns, in doggerel; When the exchequer opes and shuts, And sowgelder with safety cuts When men may eat and drink their fill, 365 And when be temp'rate, if they will; When use and when abstain from vice, Figs, grapes, phlebotomy, and spice. And as in prison mean rogues beat Hemp for the service of the great, 370 So WHACHUM beats his dirty brains, T' advance his master's fame and gains And, like the Devil's oracles, Put into doggrel rhimes his spells, Which, over ev'ry month's blank page 375 I' th' almanack, strange bilks presage. He would an elegy compose On maggots squeez'd out of his nose; In lyrick numbers write an ode on His mistress, eating a black-pudden: 380 And when imprison'd air escap'd her, It puft him with poetic rapture. His sonnets charm'd th' attentive crowd, By wide-mouth'd mortal troll'd aloud, That 'circl'd with his long-ear'd guests, 385 Like ORPHEUS look'd among the beasts. A carman's horse could not pass by, But stood ty'd up to poetry: No porter's burthen pass'd along, But serv'd for burthen to his song: 390 Each window like a pill'ry appears, With heads thrust through, nail'd by the ears All trades run in as to the sight Of monsters, or their dear delight The gallow tree, when cutting purse 395 Breeds bus'ness for heroic verse, Which none does hear, but would have hung T' have been the theme of such a song.

Those two together long had liv'd, In mansion prudently contriv'd; 400 Where neither tree nor house could bar The free detection of a star And nigh an ancient obelisk Was rais'd by him, found out by FISK, On which was a written not in words, 405 But hieroglyphic mute of birds, Many rare pithy saws concerning The worth of astrologic learning. From top of this there hung a rope, To a which he fasten'd telescope; 410 The spectacles with which the stars He reads in smallest characters. It happen'd as a boy, one night, Did fly his tarsel of a kite, The strangest long-wing'd hawk that flies, 415 That, like a bird of Paradise, Or herald's martlet, has no legs, Nor hatches young ones, nor lays eggs; His train was six yards long, milk-white, At th' end of which there hung a light, 420 Inclos'd in lanthorn, made of paper, That far off like a star did appear. This SIDROPHEL by chance espy'd, And with amazement staring wide, Bless us! quoth he, what dreadful wonder 425 Is that appears in heaven yonder? A comet, and without a beard! Or star that ne'er before appear'd! I'm certain 'tis not in the scrowl Of all those beasts, and fish, and fowl, 430 With which, like Indian plantations, The learned stock the constellations Nor those that draw for signs have bin To th' houses where the planets inn. It must be supernatural, 435 Unless it be that cannon-ball That, shot i' th' air point-blank upright, Was borne to that prodigious height, That learn'd Philosophers maintain, It ne'er came backwards down again; 440 But in the airy region yet Hangs like the body of MAHOMET For if it be above the shade That by the earth's round bulk is made, 'Tis probable it may from far 445 Appear no bullet, but a star.

This said, he to his engine flew, Plac'd near at hand, in open view, And rais'd it 'till it levell'd right Against the glow-worm tail of kite, 450 Then peeping thro', Bless us! (quoth he) It is a planet, now I see And, if I err not, by his proper Figure, that's like tobacco-stopper, It should be Saturn. Yes, 'tis clear 455 'Tis Saturn; but what makes him there? He's got between the Dragon's Tail And farther Leg behind o' th' Whale. Pray heav'n divert the fatal omen, For 'tis a prodigy not common; 460 And can no less than the world's end, Or Nature's funeral, portend.

With that he fell again to pry. Thro' perspective more wistfully, When by mischance the fatal string, 465 That kept the tow'ring fowl on wing, Breaking, down fell the star. Well shot, Quoth WHACHUM, who right wisely thought H' had levell'd at a star, and hit it But SIDROPHEL, more subtle-witted, 470 Cry'd out, What horrible and fearful Portent is this, to see a star fall? It threatens nature, and the doom Will not be long before it come When stars do fail, 'tis plain enough, 475 The day of judgment's not far off; As lately 'twas reveal'd to SEDGWICK, And some of us find out by magick. Then since the time we have to live In this world's shorten'd, let us strive 480 To make our best advantage of it, And pay our losses with our profit.

This feat fell out not long before The Knight, upon the forenam'd score, In quest of SIDROPHEL advancing, 485 Was now in prospect of the mansion Whom he discov'ring, turn'd his glass, And found far off, 'twas HUDIBRAS.

WHACHUM, (quoth he), look yonder, some To try or use our art are come 490 The one's the learned Knight: seek out, And pump 'em what they come about. WHACHUM advanc'd, with all submissness, T' accost em, but much more their bus'ness. He held a stirrup, while the Knight 495 From leathern bare-bones did alight And taking from his hand the bridle, Approach'd the dark Squire to unriddle. He gave him first the time o' th' day, And welcom'd him, as he might say: 500 He ask'd him whence he came, and whither Their bus'ness lay? Quoth RALPHO, Hither. Did you not lose? Quoth RALPHO, Nay. Quoth WHACHUM, Sir, I meant your way! Your Knight — Quoth RALPHO, Is a lover, 505 And pains intolerable doth suffer: For lovers' hearts are not their own hearts, Nor lights, nor lungs, and so forth downwards. What time, (quoth RALPHO), Sir? — Too long Three years it off and on has hung. — 510 Quoth he, I meant what time o'the day 'tis. — Quoth RALPHO, Between seven and eight 'tis. Why then, (quoth Whachum) my small art Tells me, the dame has a hard heart, Or great estate. — Quoth RALPH, A jointer, 515 Which makes him have so hot a mind t'her. Mean while the Knight was making water, Before he fell upon the matter; Which having done, the Wizard steps in, To give him suitable reception 520 But kept his bus'ness at a bay Till WHACHUM put him in the way; Who having now, by RALPHO's light. Expounded th' errand of the Knight, And what he came to know, drew near, 525 To whisper in the Conj'rer's ear, Which he prevented thus: What was't, Quoth he, that I was saying last, Before these gentlemen arriv'd? Quoth WHACHUM, Venus you retriev'd, 530 In opposition with Mars, And no benigne friendly stars T' allay the effect. — Quoth Wizard, So In Virgo? Ha! — Quoth WHACHUM, No. Has Saturn nothing to do in it? 535 One-tenth of's circle to a minute. 'Tis well, quoth he. — Sir, you'll excuse This rudeness I am forc'd to use It is a scheme and face of Heaven, As the aspects are dispos'd this even, 540 I was contemplating upon When you arriv'd; but now I've done,

Quoth HUDIBRAS, If I appear Unseasonable in coming here At such a tone, to interrupt, 545 Your speculations, which I hop'd Assistance from, and come to use, 'T is fit that I ask your excuse. By no means, Sir, quoth SIDROPHEL; The stars your coming did foretel: 550 I did expect you here, and knew, Before you spake, your bus'ness too.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, Make that appear, And I shall credit whatsoe'er You tell me after on your word, 555 Howe'er unlikely, or absurd.

You are in love, Sir, with a widow, Quoth he, that does not greatly heed you, And for three years has rid your wit And passion without drawing bit: 560 And now your bus'ness is to know, If you shall carry her or no.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, You're in the right; But how the Devil you came by't I can't imagine; for the Stars, 565 I'm sure, can tell no more than a horse; Nor can their aspects (though you pore Your eyes out on 'em) tell you more Than th' oracle of sieve and sheers, That turns as certain as the spheres: 570 But if the Devil's of your counsel, Much may be done my noble Donzel; And 'tis on his account I come, To know from you my fatal doom.

Quoth SIDROPHEL, If you Suppose, 575 Sir Knight, that I am one of those, I might suspect, and take the alarm, Your bus'ness is but to inform; But if it be, 'tis ne'er the near; You have a wrong sow by the ear; 580 For I assure you, for my part, I only deal by rules of art, Such as are lawful, and judge by Conclusions of Astrology: But for the Dev'l, know nothing by him; 585 But only this, that I defy him.

Quoth he, Whatever others deem ye, I understand your metonymy: Your words of second-hand intention, When things by wrongful names you mention; 590 The mystick sense of all your terms, That are, indeed, but magick charms To raise the Devil, and mean one thing, And that is down-right conjuring; And in itself more warrantable, 595 Than cheat, or canting to a rabble, Or putting tricks upon the Moon, Which by confed'racy are done. Your ancient conjurers were wont To make her from her sphere dismount. 600 And to their incantations stoop: They scorn'd to pore thro' telescope, Or idly play at bo-peep with her, To find out cloudy or fair weather, Which ev'ry almanack can tell, 605 Perhaps, as learnedly and well, As you yourself — Then, friend, I doubt You go the furthest way about. Your modern Indian magician Makes but a hole in th' earth to piss in, 610 And straight resolves all questions by't, And seldom fails to be i'th' right. The Rosy-Crucian way's more sure To bring the Devil to the lure; Each of 'em has a sev'ral gin 615 To catch intelligences in. Some by the nose with fumes trepan 'em, As DUNSTAN did the Devil's grannam; Others, with characters and words, Catch 'em, as men in nets do birds; 620 And some with symbols, signs, and tricks, Engrav'd with planetary nicks, With their own influences will fetch 'em Down from their orbs, arrest, and catch 'em; Make 'em depose and answer to 625 All questions e're they let them go. BUMBASTUS kept a Devil's bird Shut in the pummel of his sword, That taught him all the cunning pranks Of past and future mountebanks. 630 KELLY did all his feats upon The Devil's looking-glass, a stone; Where playing with him at bo-peep, He solv'd all problems ne'er so deep. AGRIPPA kept a Stygian pug, 635 I' th' garb and habit of a dog, That was his tutor, and the cur Read to th' occult philosopher, And taught him subt'ly to maintain All other sciences are vain. 640

To this, quoth SIDROPHELLO, Sir, AGRIPPA was no conjurer, Nor PARACELSUS, no, nor BEHMEN; Nor was the dog a Cacodaemon, But a true dog, that would shew tricks 645 For th' emperor, and leap o'er sticks; Would fetch and carry; was more civil Than other dogs, but yet no Devil; And whatsoe'er he's said to do, He went the self-same way we go. 650 As for the Rosy-Cross Philosophers, Whom you will have to be but sorcerers, What they pretend to is no more, Than TRISMEGISTUS did before, PYTHAGORAS, old ZOROASTER, 655 And APOLLONIUS their master; To whom they do confess they owe All that they do, and all they know.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, Alas! what is't t' us, Whether 'twas said by TRISMEGISTUS, 660 If it be nonsense, false, or mystick, Or not intelligible, or sophistick? 'Tis not antiquity, nor author, That makes Truth Truth, altho' Times daughter; 'Twas he that put her in the pit 665 Before he pull'd her out of it; And as he eats his sons, just so He feeds upon his daughters too. Nor does it follow, 'cause a herald, Can make a gentleman, scarce a year old, 670 To be descended of a race Of ancient kings in a small space, That we should all opinions hold Authentic that we can make old.

Quoth SIDROPHEL, It is no part 675 Of prudence to cry down an art, And what it may perform deny, Because you understand not why (As AVERHOIS play'd but a mean trick To damn our whole art for eccentrick:) 680 For Who knows all that knowledge contains Men dwell not on the tops of mountains, But on their sides, or rising's seat So 'tis with knowledge's vast height. Do not the hist'ries of all ages 685 Relate miraculous presages, Of strange turns in the world's affairs, Foreseen b' Astrologers, Soothsayers, Chaldeans, learn'd Genethliacks, And some that have writ almanacks? 690 The MEDIA N emp'ror dreamt his daughter Had pist all ASIA under water, And that a vine, sprung from her haunches, O'erspread his empire with its branches: And did not soothsayers expound it, 695 As after by th' event he found it? When CAESAR in the senate fell, Did not the sun eclips'd foretel, And, in resentment of his slaughter, Look'd pale for almost a year after? 700 AUGUSTUS having, b' oversight, Put on his left shoe 'fore his right, Had like to have been slain that day By soldiers mutin'ing for pay. Are there not myriads of this sort, 705 Which stories of all times report? Is it not ominous in all countries When crows and ravens croak upon trees? The Roman senate, when within The city walls an owl was seen 710 Did cause their clergy, with lustrations, (Our Synod calls humiliations), The round-fac'd prodigy t'avert From doing town or country hurt And if an owl have so much pow'r, 715 Why should not planets have much more, That in a region far above Inferior fowls of the air move, And should see further, and foreknow More than their augury below? 720 Though that once serv'd the polity Of mighty states to govern by And this is what we take in hand By pow'rful art to understand Which, how we have perform'd, all ages 725 Can speak th' events of our presages Have we not lately, in the Moon, Found a New World, to the Old unknown? Discover'd sea and land, COLUMBUS And MAGELLAN cou'd never compass? 730 Made mountains with our tubes appear, And cattle grazing on 'em there?

Quoth HUDIBRAS, You lie so ope, That I, without a telescope, Can mind your tricks out, and descry 735 Where you tell truth, and where you lye: For ANAXAGORAS, long agon, Saw hills, as well as you, i' th' Moon; And held the Sun was but a piece Of red-hot ir'n, as big as Greece; 740 Believ'd the Heav'ns were made of stone, Because the Sun had voided one; And, rather than he would recant Th' opinion, suffer'd banishment.

But what, alas! is it to us, 745 Whether i' th' Moon men thus or thus Do eat their Porridge, cut their corns, Or whether they have tails or horns? What trade from thence can you advance, But what we nearer have from France? 750 What can our travellers bring home, That is not to be learnt at Rome? What politicks, or strange opinions, That are not in our own dominions? What science can he brought from thence, 755 In which we do not here commence? What revelations, or religions, That are not in our native regions? Are sweating lanthorns, or screen-fans, Made better there than th' are in France? 760 Or do they teach to sing and play O' th' gittar there a newer way? Can they make plays there, that shall fit The public humour, with less wit? Write wittier dances, quainter shows, 765 Or fight with more ingenious blows? Or does the man i' th' moon look big, And wear a huger perriwig, Shew in his gait or face more tricks, Than our own native lunaticks? 770 And if w' out-do him here at home, What good of your design can come? As wind i' th' hypocondries pent, Is but a blast if downward sent, But if it upward chance to fly, 775 Becomes new Light and Prophecy So when your speculations tend Above their just and useful end, Although they promise strange and great Discoveries of things far set, 780 They are but idle dreams and fancies, And savour strongly of the ganzas. Tell me but what's the natural cause, Why on a sign no painter draws The full moon ever, but the half; 785 Resolve that with your JACOB's staff; Or why wolves raise a hubbub at her, And dogs howl when she shines in water; And I shall freely give my vote, You may know something more remote. 790

At this deep SIDROPHEL look'd wise, And staring round with owl-like eyes, He put his face into a posture Of sapience, and began to bluster: For having three times shook his head 795 To stir his wit up, thus he said Art has no mortal enemies, Next ignorance, but owls and geese; Those consecrated geese in orders, That to the Capitol were warders; 800 And being then upon patrol, With noise alone beat off the Gaul: Or those Athenian Sceptic owls, That will not credit their own souls; Or any science understand, 805 Beyond the reach of eye or hand; But meas'ring all things by their own Knowledge, hold nothing's to be known Those wholesale criticks, that in coffee- Houses cry down all philosophy, 810 And will not know upon what ground In nature we our doctrine found, Altho' with pregnant evidence We can demonstrate it to sense, As I just now have done to you, 815 Foretelling what you came to know. Were the stars only made to light Robbers and burglarers by night? To wait on drunkards, thieves, gold-finders, And lovers solacing behind doors, 820 Or giving one another pledges Of matrimony under hedges? Or witches simpling, and on gibbets Cutting from malefactors snippets? Or from the pillory tips of ears 825 Of Rebel-Saints and perjurers? Only to stand by, and look on, But not know what is said or done? Is there a constellation there, That was not born and bred up here? 830 And therefore cannot be to learn In any inferior concern. Were they not, during all their lives, Most of 'em pirates, whores and thieves; And is it like they have not still 835 In their old practices some skill Is there a planet that by birth Does not derive its house from earth? And therefore probably must know, What is and hath been done below. 840 Who made the Balance, or whence came The Bull, the Lion, and the Ram? Did not we here the Argo rig, Make BERENICE's periwig? Whose liv'ry does the Coachman wear? 845 Or who made Cassiopeia's chair? And therefore, as they came from hence, With us may hold intelligence. PLATO deny'd the world can be Govern'd without geometree, 850 (For money b'ing the common scale Of things by measure, weight, and tale, In all th' affairs of Church and State, 'Tis both the balance and the weight;) Then much less can it be without 855 Divine Astrology made out; That puts the other down in worth, As far as Heav'n's above the earth.

These reasons (quoth the Knight) I grant Are something more significant 860 Than any that the learned use Upon this subject to produce; And yet th' are far from satisfactory, T' establish and keep up your factory. Th' Egyptians say, the Sun has twice 865 Shifted his setting and his rise Twice has he risen in the west, As many times set in the east; But whether that be true or no, The Dev'l any of you know. 870 Some hold the heavens like a top, And kept by circulation. up; And, were't not for their wheeling round, They'd instantly fall to the ground: As sage EMPEDOCLES of old, And from him modern authors hold. 875 PLATO believ'd the Sun and Moon Below all other Planets run. Some MERCURY, some VENUS, seat Above the Sun himself in height. The learned SCALIGER complain'd, 880 Gainst what COPERNICUS maintain'd, That, in twelve hundred years and odd, The Sun had left its ancient road, And nearer to time earth is come 'Bove fifty thousand miles from home: 885 Swore 'twas a most notorious flam; And he that had so little shame To vent such fopperies abroad, Deserv'd to have his rump well claw'd; Which Monsieur BODIN hearing, swore 890 That he deserv'd the rod much more, That durst upon a truth give doom; He knew less than the Pope of Rome. CARDAN believ'd great states depend Upon the tip o' th' Bear's tail's end; 895 That, as she whisk'd it t'wards the Sun, Strow'd mighty empires up and down; Which others say must needs be false, Because your true bears have no tails. Some say the Zodiack Constellations 900 Have long since chang'd their antique stations Above a sign, and prove the same In Taurus now once in the Ram; Affirm the trigons chop'd and chang'd, The wat'ry with the fiery rang'd: 905 Then how can their effects still hold To be the same they were of old? This, though the art were true, would make Our modern soothsayers mistake: 910 And in one cause they tell more lies, In figures and nativities, Than th' old Chaldean conjurers In so many hundred thousand years Beside their nonsense in translating, 915 For want of accidence and Latin, Like Idus, and Calendae, Englisht The quarter-days by skilful linguist; And yet with canting, sleight and, cheat, 'Twill serve their turn to do the feat; 920 Make fools believe in their foreseeing Of things before they are in being To swallow gudgeons ere th' are catch'd; And count their chickens ere th' are hatch'd Make them the constellations prompt, 925 And give 'em back their own accompt But still the best to him that gives The best price for't, or best believes. Some towns and cities, some, for brevity, Have cast the 'versal world's nativity, 930 And made the infant-stars confess, Like fools or children, what they please. Some calculate the hidden fates Of monkeys, puppy-dogs, and cats Some running-nags and fighting cocks, 935 Some love, trade, law-suits, and the pox; Some take a measure of the lives Of fathers, mothers, husbands, wives; Make opposition, trine, and quartile, Tell who is barren, and who fertile; 940 As if the planet's first aspect The tender infant did infect In soul and body, and instill All future good, and future ill; Which, in their dark fatalities lurking, 945 At destin'd periods fall a working; And break out, like the hidden seeds Of long diseases, into deeds, In friendships, enmities, and strife, And all the emergencies of life. 950 No sooner does he peep into The world, but he has done his do; Catch'd all diseases, took all physick That cures or kills a man that is sick; Marry'd his punctual dose of wives; 955 Is cuckolded, and breaks or thrives. There's but the twinkling of a star Between a man of peace and war; A thief and justice, fool and knave, A huffing officer and a slave; 960 A crafty lawyer and a pick-pocket, A great philosopher and a blockhead; A formal preacher and a player, A learn'd physician and manslayer. As if men from the stars did suck 965 Old age, diseases, and ill-luck, Wit, folly, honour, virtue, vice, Trade, travel, women, claps, and dice; And draw, with the first air they breathe, Battle and murder, sudden death. 970 Are not these fine commodities To be imported from the skies, And vended here amongst the rabble, For staple goods and warrantable? Like money by the Druids borrow'd, 975 In th' other world to be restor'd?

Quoth SIDROPHEL, To let you know You wrong the art, and artists too, Since arguments are lost on those That do our principles oppose, 980 I will (although I've done't before) Demonstrate to your sense once more, And draw a figure, that shall tell you What you, perhaps, forget befel you, By way of horary inspection, 985 Which some account our worst erection. With that he circles draws, and squares, With cyphers, astral characters; Then looks 'em o'er, to und'erstand 'em, Although set down hob-nab, at random. 990 Quoth he, This scheme of th' heavens set, Discovers how in fight you met At Kingston with a may-pole idol, And that y' were bang'd both back and side well; And though you overcame the bear, 995 The dogs beat you at Brentford fair; Where sturdy butchers broke your noddle, And handled you like a fop-doodle.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, I now perceive You are no conj'rer, by your leave; 1000 That paultry story is untrue, And forg'd to cheat such gulls as you.

Not true? quoth he; howe'er you vapour, I can what I affirm make appear. WHACHUM shall justify't t' your face, 1005 And prove he was upon the place. He play'd the Saltinbancho's part, Transform'd t' a Frenchman by my art He stole your cloak, and pick'd your pocket, Chows'd and caldes'd ye like a blockhead: 1010 And what you lost I can produce, If you deny it, here i' th' house.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, I do believe That argument's demonstrative. RALPHO, bear witness; and go fetch us 1015 A constable to seize the wretches For though th' are both false knaves and cheats, Impostors, jugglers, counterfeits, I'll make them serve for perpendiculars As true as e'er were us'd by bricklayers. 1020 They're guilty, by their own confessions, Of felony, and at the sessions, Upon the bench, I will so handle 'em, That the vibration of this pendulum Shalt make all taylors yards of one 1025 Unanimous opinion, A thing he long has vapour'd of, But now shall wake it out of proof.

Quoth SIDROPHEL, I do not doubt To find friends that will bear me out, 1030 Nor have I hazarded my art, And neck, so long on the state's part, To be expos'd i' th' end to suffer By such a braggadocio huffer.

Huffer! quoth HUDIBRAS: this sword 1035 Shall down thy false throat craw that word. RALPHO, make haste, and call an officer, To apprehend this Stygian sophister, Meanwhile I'll hold 'em at a bay, Lest he and WHACHUM run away. 1040

But SIDROPHEL who, from the aspect Of HUDIBRAS did now erect A figure worse portenting far Than that of a malignant star, Believ'd it now the fittest moment 1045 To shun the danger that might come on't, While HUDIBRAS was all alone, And he and WHACHUM, two to one. This being resolv'd, he spy'd, by chance, Behind the door, an iron lance, 1050 That many a sturdy limb had gor'd, And legs, and loins, and shoulders bor'd: He snatch'd it up, and made a pass, To make his way through HUDIBRAS. WHACHUM had got a fire-fork, 1055 With which he vow'd to do his work. But HUDIBRAS was well prepar'd, And stoutly stood upon his guard: He put by SIDROPHELLO'S thrust, And in right manfully he rusht; l060 The weapon from his gripe he wrung, And laid him on the earth along. WHACHUM his sea-coal prong threw by, And basely turn'd his back to fly But HUDIBRAS gave him a twitch 1065 As quick as light'ning in the breech, Just in the place where honour's lodg'd, As wise philosophers have judg'd; Because a kick in that place more Hurts honour than deep wounds before. 1070

Quoth HUDIBRAS, The stars determine You are my prisoners, base vermine! Could they not tell you so as well As what I came to know foretell? By this what cheats you are we find, 1075 That in your own concerns are blind. Your lives are now at my dispose, To be redeem'd by fine or blows: But who his honour wou'd defile, To take or sell two lives so vile? 1080 I'll give you quarter; but your pillage, The conq'ring warrior's crop and tillage, Which with his sword he reaps and plows, That's mine, the law of arms allows.