No End to This Game for Two

Said He: "It is sweeter to give than receive. Of a whipping this doubtless is true, But of kissing I cannot believe It holds good, till I've tried it. Can you?" Said She; "I don't know; let's each give and receive, And so come to proof of the prop. Now you give, and I'll take, and we'll leave The one to decide who cries 'Stop!'"



And This in Boston!

A man who has just returned from Boston is "chortling" over a good joke on that correct and literary city. He says that in the reading-room of one of the most exclusive clubs in the Hub there is a sign that reads:

ONLY LOW CONVERSATION PERMITTED HERE



Man Wants but Little, etc.

"Please, mum," said a tramp, "would you be so kind as to let me have a needle and thread?"

"Well, y-e-s," said the housewife at the door, "I can let you have that."

"Thankee, mum. Now, you'd oblige me very much if you'd let me have a bit of cloth for a patch."

"Yes, here is some."

"Thankee very much, mum. It's a little different color from my suit, I see. Perhaps, mum, you could spare me some of your husband's old clothes that this patch will match."

"Well, I declare! You're clever, my man, and I'll give you an old suit. Here is one."

"Thankee greatly, mum. I see it's a little large, mum, but if you'll kindly furnish me with a square meal, mebby I can fill it out."



It Certainly Tickled Them

An amateur artist contributed a painting to the academy for the first time. With natural curiosity he said to the carrier, "Did you see my picture safely delivered?"

"Indeed I did," replied the man, "and mighty pleased they seemed to be with it—leastways, if I may jedge, sir. They didn't say nothin', but, Lor'! how they did laugh when they got a light on it!"



Cured Without Medicine

A clergyman has had in his employ for so long a time a colored man named Julian that the latter has come to regard himself as something of a confidential adviser to the divine.

Early one Sunday morning the pastor awoke feeling decidedly ill. After a futile attempt at breakfast, he summoned his old and faithful servitor, saying:

"Julian, I want you to go to my assistant, and tell him that, as I am unwell, he will officiate for me in this morning's service."

At this Julian demurred, and, after some argument, persuaded his master that he would feel better if he officiated as usual. This the latter did, and, as predicted by the servant, he did return home feeling much better.

"Youse better, sah ?" asked the man, meeting his master at the door.

"Very much better, thank you, Julian."

The servant grinned. "What did I tell you, sah? I knowed you'd be all right jest as soon as you got that sermon outer your system."



Enthusiasm Squelched

An enthusiastic citizen, about to visit Europe, was rejoicing over the fact and the pleasures to come.

"How delightful it will be," he said to his wife, "to tread the bounding billow and inhale the invigorating oxygen of the sea, the sea, the boundless sea! I long to see it! To breathe in great drafts of life-giving air. I shall want to stand every moment on the prow of the steamer with my mouth open——"

"You probably will, dear," interrupted his wife encouragingly. "That's the way all the ocean travelers do."



Definitive

The schoolmaster was trying to explain the meaning of the word "conceited," which had occurred in the course of the reading lesson. "Now, boys," he said, "suppose that I was always boasting of my learning—that I knew a good deal o' Latin, for instance, or that my personal appearance was—that I was very good-looking, y' know—what should you say I was?"

Straightforward Boy; "Sure, sir, I'd say you was a liar, sir!"



Wanted to Give Her Every Chance

The clerk was most obliging, but the young woman customer was hard to please. Roll after roll of blankets did he patiently take down and show to her; nothing suited.

For some fifteen minutes this mock sale went on, then the young woman said condescendingly, "Well, I don't intend to buy. I was just looking for a friend."

"Wait a moment, madam," cried the clerk. "There is one more blanket left on the shelf. Maybe you will find your friend in it."



Murder Will Out

The newly-graduated daughter who had decided to become an artist had returned to her Boston home. "I am glad that your mind has taken a turn toward art, for you know that more is expected of you now than if you lived in Chicago," said her proud parent.

"Yes, Father," she replied dutifully, with downcast eyes.

"And I hope that you will distinguish yourself in more than one way."

"Yes, Father."

"I particularly desire that you become noted as an essayist also," continued the ambitious parent.

"Yes, Father," was the still modest reply.

"I have spared neither pains nor expense in your education thus far, but notwithstanding this immense outlay of time and money, if you can think of anything which you believe will add to your equipment for the career which you are about to begin—if you can suggest some other way of refining your taste, please do so. Do you know of anything else, my dear?"

"Yes, Father," and this time the downcast eyes were raised and looked hopefully into his.

"Speak out; never mind the expense."

"Well, Father, I'd like to go this afternoon and see Sullivan thump that yap from the country."



Taking Mamma at Her Word

MOTHER: "Ethel, you naughty child, what have you been doing to make Charlie cry so?"

ETHEL: "I've only been sharing my cod-liver oil with him, mamma. You said it was so nice."



It Was Worse Than Bigotry

A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's this man charged with?"

"Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives."

The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such ignorance. "Why, officer," he said, "that's not bigotry—that's trigonometry."



A Devotional Turn of Mind

As the new minister of the village was on his way to evening service he met a rising young man of the place whom he was anxious to have become an active member of the church.

"Good-evening, my young friend," he said solemnly; "do you ever attend a place of worship?" /

"Yes, indeed, sir; regularly, every Sunday night," replied the young fellow with a smile. "I'm on my way to see her now."



Poor Little Chap!

A little boy from the slums had been taken out into the country for the first time. After a bit he was found sitting, all by himself, on a high bank, and gazing wistfully out over the hills.

The woman who had made the little excursion possible quietly seated herself at the youngster's side. To her the child turned a radiant face and asked:

"Say, it's dern pretty, ain't it? Is this all in the United States?"



The Horse Had a Habit

At an annual series of races "for all comers," the sun was blazing down on a field of hot, excited horses and men, all waiting for a tall, raw-boned beast to yield to the importunities of the starter and get into line.

The patience of the starter was nearly exhausted. "Bring up that horse!" he shouted. "Bring him up!"

The rider of the refractory beast, a youthful Irishman, yelled back; "I can't! This here's been a cab-horse, and he won't start till he hears the door shut, an' I ain't got no door!"



She Won Her Uncle

Uncle Harry was a bachelor and not fond of babies. Even winsome four-year-oid Helen failed to win his heart. Every one made too much fuss over the youngster, Uncle Harry declared.

One day Helen's mother was called downstairs and with fear and trembling asked Uncle Harry, who was stretched out on a sofa, if he would keep his eye on Helen. Uncle Harry grunted "Yes," but never stirred from his position—in truth his eyes were tight shut.

By-and-by wee Helen tiptoed over to the sofa and leaning over Uncle Harry softly inquired:

"Feepy?"

"No," growled Uncle Harry.

"Tired?" ventured Helen.

"No," said her uncle.

"Sick?" further inquired Helen, with real sympathy in her voice.

"No," still insisted Uncle Harry.

"Dus' feel bum, hey?"

And that won the uncle!



Still He Wondered

One of the physicians at a popular winter health-resort was looking over his books one day, comparing his list of patients. "I had a great many more patients last year than I have this," he remarked to his wife. "I wonder where they have all gone to?"

"Well, never mind, dear," she replied. "You know all we can do is to hope for the best."



A Lesson In It

"The trouble with you ladies of the W.C.T.U. is," said a man to a member of that organization, "that instead of opposing the christening of a vessel with champagne, you ought to encourage it and draw from it a great temperance lesson."

"Why, how can we?" asked the "white ribboner."

"Well," was the reply, "after the first taste of wine the ship takes to water and sticks to it ever after."



It Was His Privilege

As an express train was going through a station, says "Tit-Bits," one of the passengers leaned too far out of the window, overbalanced and fell out. He fortunately landed on a sand heap, so that he did himself no great injury, but, with torn clothes and not a few bruises, said to a porter who was standing by:

"What shall I do?"

"You're all right, mister," said the porter. "Your ticket allows you to stop off."



Still Hopeful

"Well, Jimmy," said his employer, "I don't see how you are going to get out to any ball-games this season; your grandmother died four times last summer."

"Oh, yes, I can, sir," answered Jimmy. "Grandpapa has married again, although it was very much against the wishes of the family."



He Thought She Ought to Know It

"No, I haven't anything for you today. You are the man I gave some pie to a fortnight ago?"

"Yis, lidy, thank you; I come back because I thought p'r'aps you'd like to know I'm able to get about again."



A Possible Substitute

"What have you in the shape of cucumbers this morning?" asked the customer of the new grocery clerk.

"Nothing but bananas, ma'am," was the reply.



One on the Preachers

The preachers in a certain coast town noted for its Sabbath observance were greatly incensed over the fact that printed cards bearing the name of a well-known shipbuilding firm had been received by prominent citizens, inviting them to attend the launching of a vessel on the next Sunday afternoon, the reason being given that the tide was highest on that day.

Sunday came and in every church the launching was widely advertised and denounced, and it was not until late in the day that some one remembered it was April the first.



Charlie Remembered Her Well

A young married woman of social prominence and respectability was to unite with the church in her home town and desired the ordinance of baptism by immersion, preferring the primitive custom of going to the river. Among the number that gathered to witness the baptism was a little boy friend, Charlie, about four years old. The proceedings were entirely new to the child, and he looked on with strange curiosity as the candidate was led into the water. The spring freshets had made the river somewhat turbulent, and it was with difficulty that the minister maintained his footing. During the following week the young woman called at the home of this family, and after the usual greetings said to the little boy as she extended her hand: "Come here, Charlie, and see me. You don't know who I am, do you?" she continued. "Yes, indeed I do," said the boy. "You's that woman who went in swimmin' with the minister on Sunday."



Couldn't Follow Him

"John," said Farmer Foddershucks to his college-bred son, who was home on a vacation, "hev ye noticed Si Mullet's oldest gal lately? Strikes me she's gettin' ter be a right likely critter, hey?"

"She's as beautiful as Hebe," agreed John enthusiastically.

"Aw, shucks!" grunted Farmer F. "She's a blame sight purtier 'n he be. Why, he ain't no beauty. She gits it f'm her mother's folks."



Frivolity of Outward Show

Dear old Aunt Jane was making a visit in the early spring at the home of her newly-married niece, and spring clothes was the all-absorbing topic of conversation in the family.

"I feel sure this hat's not broad enough in the brim, Aunt Jane," said the worldly niece, who wanted to appear just as bewitching to her young husband as she did in her going-away costume.

"What does it matter, child! Look at me!" replied Aunt Jane, in a comforting tone. "I put on anything! Don't I look all right?"



Just as Well

A Scotsman went to a dentist with a toothache. The dentist told him he would only get relief by having it out.

"Then I must hae gas," said the Scotsman.

While the dentist was getting it ready the Scot began to count his money.

The dentist said, somewhat testily, "You need not pay until the tooth is out."

"I ken that," said the Scotsman, "but as ye're aboot to mak' me unconscious I jist want to see hoo I stan'."



The Same, Only a Little Different

They were newly married, according to "The New York Sun," and on a honeymoon trip. They put up at a skyscraper hotel. The bridegroom felt indisposed and the bride said she would slip out and do a little shopping. In due time she returned and tripped blithely up to her room, a little awed by the number of doors that looked all alike. But she was sure of her own and tapped gently on the panel.

"I'm back, honey; let me in," she whispered.

No answer.

"Honey, honey, let me in!" she called again, rapping louder. Still no answer.

"Honey, honey, it's Mabel. Let me in."

There was silence for several seconds; then a man's voice, cold and full of dignity, came from the other side of the door:

"Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom."



For Him to Decide

"Well, well," said the absent-minded professor, as he stood knee-deep in the bathtub, "what did I get in here for?"



A Large Corporation

An old lady, traveling for the first time in a large city, saw a glaring sign on the front of a high building which read, "The Smith Manufacturing Company."

As she repeated it aloud slowly she remarked to her nephew: "Lawsy mercy! Well, I've hearn tell of Smiths all my life, but I never knew before where they made 'em."



Accommodating Man

One day, after the brakeman had been pointing out the window and explaining the scenery, says the Denver "News," one of the passengers whispered to the conductor: "Conductor, can you tell me how that brakeman lost his finger? He seems to be a very nice fellow. It seems a pity he should be crippled."

"That's just it, ma'am. He is a good fellow. He is so obliging that he just wore his finger off pointing out the scenery along the line."



The Early Bird

The card "Boy Wanted" had been swinging from the window of a publishing house only a few minutes when a red-headed little tad climbed to the publisher's office with the sign under his arm.

"Say, mister," he demanded of the publisher, "did youse hang out this here 'Boy Wanted' sign?"

"I did," replied the publisher sternly. "Why did you tear it down?"

Back of his freckles the youngster was gazing in wonder at the man's stupidity.

"Hully gee!" he blurted. "Why, I'm the boy!"

And he was.



No Wonder He Asked "Why?"

Edward had just returned from foreign service, and his brow was troubled.

"I gave you that parrot as a birthday present, did I not, Amelia?" he asked.

"Yes; but surely, Teddy, you are not going to speak of your tokens as if——"

"It was young and speechless at the time."

"Yes"—with increasing wonder—"and it has never been out of this parlor."

"There are no other young ladies in this house?"

"No; there are not."

"Then why—why, when I k-kissed your photograph in yonder album, while waiting for you, did that wretched bird imitate your voice and say: 'Don't do that, Herbert, please don't!'"



The Safest Place

A city gentleman was recently invited down to the country for "a day with the birds." His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the great disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generally regulated by the size of the bag.

"Dear me!" at last exclaimed the sportsman, "but the birds seem exceptionally strong on the wing this year."

"Not all of 'em, sir," was the answer. "You've shot at the same bird about a dozen times. 'E's a-follerin' you about, sir."

"Following me about? Nonsense! Why should a bird do that?"

"Well, sir," came the reply. "I dunno, I'm sure, unless 'e's 'angin' 'round you for safety."



An Inspiring Model

Little Johnnie, having in his possession a couple of bantam hens, which laid very small eggs, suddenly hit on a plan. Going the next morning to the fowl-run, Johnnie's father was surprised to find an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, and above it a card, with the words:

"Keep your eye on this and do your best."



When the Honeymoon Began

A minister in a Western town was called upon one afternoon to perform the marriage ceremony between a negro couple—the negro preacher of the town being absent from home.

After the ceremony the groom asked the price of the service.

"Oh, well," said the minister, "you can pay me whatever you think it is worth to you."

The negro turned and silently looked his bride over from head to foot, then, slowly rolling up the whites of his eyes, said:

"Lawd, sah, you has done ruined me for life, you has, for sure."



And She Kept on Smoking

"Aunt Chloe, do you think you are a Christian?" asked a preacher of an old negro woman who was smoking a pipe.

"Yes, brudder, I 'spects I is."

"Do you believe in the Bible?"

"Yes, brudder."

"Do you know there is a passage in the Scripture that declares that nothing unclean shall inherit the Kingdom of Heaven?"

"Yes, I'se heard of it."

"Well, you smoke, and there is nothing so unclean as the breath of a smoker. So what do you say to that?"

"Well, when I go dere I 'spects to leave my breff behind me."



Doubtful Assurances

"Do you think they approved of my sermon?" asked the newly-appointed rector, hopeful that he had made a good impression.

"Yes, I think so," replied his wife; "they were all nodding."



A New Use for an Apple

The tailor's sign in a little inland town was an apple, simply an apple. The people were amazed at it. They came in crowds to the tailor, asking him what on earth the meaning of the sign was.

The tailor with a complacent smile replied:

"If it hadn't been for an apple where would the clothing business be today?"



It Looked That Way

"Is Mike Clancy here?" asked the visitor at the quarry, just after the premature explosion.

"No, sor," replied Costigan; "he's gone."

"For good?"

"Well, sor, he wint in that direction."



Music Touched His Heart

A thief broke into a Madison Avenue mansion early the other morning and found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps approaching, he took refuge behind a screen.

From eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson.

From nine to ten o'clock the second daughter took a piano lesson.

From ten to eleven o'clock the eldest son had a violin lesson.

From eleven to twelve o'clock the other son had a lesson on the flute.

At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studied an ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and flute.

The thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five, and falling at their feet, cried:

"For Heaven's sake, have me arrested!"



Some Amusing Blunders

A divine in drawing the attention of his congregation to a special communion service on the following Sunday informed them that "the Lord is with us in the forenoon and the Bishop in the evening."

A Scotch minister innocently, perhaps, hit the mark by telling his people, "Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and as we have failed to get money honestly we will have to see what a bazar can do for us."

There is a certain amount of excuse to be made for the young curate who, remarking that some people came to church for no better reason than to show off their best clothes, finished up as he glanced over his audience, "I am thankful to see, dear friends, that none of you has come here for that reason."

A negro student when conducting the prayers at one of the great missionary colleges, said, "Give us all pure hearts, give us all clean hearts, give us all sweet hearts," to which the entire congregation made response, "Amen."

The giving-out of church notices has often proved a pitfall for the unwary. "During Lent," said a rector lately, "several preachers will preach on Wednesday evenings, but I need not give their names, as they will be all found hanging up in the porch."



They Come High—But

A stranger in New York asked a newsboy to direct him to a certain bank, promising him half a dollar for it. The boy took him about three doors away and there was the bank. Paying the fee, the man said, "That was half a dollar easily earned, son."

"Sure," said the boy, "but youse mustn't fergit that bank directors is paid high in Noo Yawk."



At Any Cost

A darky preacher was lost in the happy selection of his text, which he repeated in vigorous accents of pleading.

"Oh, bredern, at de las' day dere's gwine to be sheep and dere's gwine to be goats. Who's gwine to be de sheep, an' who's gwine to be de goats? Let's all try to be like de li'l white lambs, bredern. Shall we be de goats, sisters? Naw, we's gwine to be de sheep. Who's gwine to be de sheep, bredern, an' who's gwine to be de goats? Tak' care ob youh souls, sisters; tak' care ob youh souls. Remember, dere's gwine to be goats an' sheep. Who's gwine to be de sheep an' who's gwine to be de goats?"

Just then a solitary Irishman who had been sitting in the back of the church, listening attentively, rose and said:

"Oi'll be the goat. Go on; tell us the joke, Elder. Oi'll be the goat!"



Where Was Bill?

Bill Jones is a country storekeeper down in Louisiana, and last spring he went to New Orleans to purchase a stock of goods. The goods were shipped immediately and reached home before he did. When the boxes of goods were delivered at his store by the drayman his wife happened to look at the largest; she uttered a loud cry and called for a hammer. A neighbor, hearing the screams, rushed to her assistance and asked what was the matter. The wife, pale and faint, pointed to an inscription on the box which read as follows;

"Bill inside."



All That Glisters is Not Gold

One day an Irishman was seated in the waiting-room of a station with an odorous pipe in his mouth. One of the attendants called his attention to the sign: "No smoking."

"Well," said Pat, "I'm not a-smokin'."

"But you have a pipe in your mouth."

"Shure, an' I've shoes on me feet an' I'm not walkin'."



Her Affectionate Brothers

It was Commencement Day at a well-known girls' seminary, and the father of one of the young women came to attend the graduation exercises. He was presented to the principal, who said, "I congratulate you, sir, upon your extremely large and affectionate family."

"Large and affectionate?" he stammered and looking very much surprised.

"Yes, indeed," said the principal. "No less than twelve of your daughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to take her driving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her to the theatre at least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they are."



The Voice of the Lady

"Life" recently printed this extremely clever sketch by Tom Masson:

It was a quiet Sunday rooming on a side street. A playful breeze had lifted off the tarpaulin that covered the newsstand, and the magazines were enjoying a quiet hour by themselves.

"Harper's" took occasion to edge away from "McClure's."

"Your cheapness makes me dizzy," it observed, with a superior sniff.

"My cheapness is as nothing to your dullness,", exclaimed "McClure's," with some heat.

"Nonsense!" replied "Harper's." "Why, I once published an interesting story."

A chorus of groans greeted this admission.

"The trouble with you fellows," observed "The Century," "is that you do not understand the really serious side of life."

"How can we," observed "The Metropolitan," "for we have not, like you, a humorous department? We——"

There was a commotion. While these observations were going on "Munsey's" and "Everybody's" were having a dispute.

"I publish sillier stuff than you," said "Munsey's."

"I defy you to prove it," said "Everybody's."

"Let's form a ring and have them fight it out," suggested a rank outsider—"The Clipper."

At this, however, there was a protest from one hitherto silent. A soft soprano voice spoke.

"Gentlemen," it said, "would you fight in the presence of ladies?"

Whereupon the rest of the magazines took off their hats, and one by one lapsed into respectful silence, as THE LADIES' HOME JOURNAL, arranging its skirts anew with gentle precision, passed out on its way to church.



Cheer Up, Everybody

The visiting missionary at an almshouse stopped for a moment to speak to a very old lady and inquire, after her health and welfare. "Thank you, sir," replied the old lady. "Yes, indeed, I've a great deal to be thankful for. I've two teeth left and they're opposite each other."



A New Kind of Bait

After weeks of waiting and longing for the sport, rods, reels, gaff, creel—everything was in readiness for a week's trout-fishing.

The young wife, smiling joyously, hurried into the room, extending toward her husband some sticky, speckled papers.

"For goodness' sake," he exclaimed, "what on earth are you doing with those old fly-papers?"

"I saved them for you from last summer, dear," she answered. "You know you said you always had to buy flies when you went fishing."



He Could Supply Specimens

"And what did my little darling do in school today?" a mother asked of her young son—a "second-grader."

"We had Nature study, and it was my turn to bring a specimen," said the boy.

"That was nice. What did you do?"

"I brought a cockroach in a bottle, and I told teacher we had lots more, and if she wanted I would bring one every day."



Was It His Ghost?

A well-known publisher has the entrance to his private office guarded by one of his editors, a small man, who, as the day wears on, sinks down in a little heap in his high-backed chair under the weight of the manuscripts he has to read. The publisher was exceedingly proud of his friendship with a prominent Congressman, who usually called when he was in New York.

One day the huge form of the Speaker of the House of Representatives loomed up before the little editor, with the evident intent of bearing down upon the private office.

"Back!" shouted the little editor, waving a slender arm with much vigor. "Back! Go back to the offith and thend in your card."

The Congressman paused, inclined his head to view the obstacle that opposed his progress, and smiled. Then he turned on his heel and did as he was directed.

Of course the publisher bustled out personally to conduct the great man into the private office. When his visitor had departed the publisher came forth in a rage. The little editor shriveled before him as he began:

"What do you mean by holding up one of my oldest friends in this fashion? Don't you know he's at perfect liberty to walk into my office at any time without so much as knocking?"

"Yeth," admitted the little editor feebly.

"Then what do you mean by holding him up and subjecting him to such discourtesy ?"

"I thought he wath Dr. John Hall."

"Dr. John Hall!" exclaimed the exasperated publisher "Don't you know that Dr. John Hall is dead?"

"Yeth," returned the little editor with earnest sincerity. "That'th what bothered me."



Willie's April Fool on Mamma!

Little Willie had a very pretty governess, and on April first he rather startled his mother by rushing in to her and saying:

"Mamma, there's a strange man upstairs who has just put his arm around Miss Wilson's waist, and kissed her several times——"

"What?" said the mother, as she jumped up to pull the bell for the butler.

"April fool, Mamma!" said Willie, in great glee. "It wasn't a strange man at all. It was Papa!"



Full Particulars Given

A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in a suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customary question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, which did not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the next person.

The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then, concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother's thirty-one!"



News for the Bishop

A newly-rich woman, who was anxious to make a favorable impression in her neighborhood, decided to show her collection of antiques to the Bishop when he called. The time came, and one by one she displayed the whole collection, giving him the history of each piece. Finally she pointed to the most prized article in the lot. "There," she said, pointing impressively to an old yellow teapot. "That teapot was used in the Boston Tea-party."



A Case of Mutual Application

MR. WOOD, a man very fond of playing jokes, met his friend, Mr. Stone, and at once inquired jocosely:

"Hello, Stone, how are Mrs. Stone and all the little pebbles?"

"Fine," said Mr. Stone, "all well, thank you," and then, with a twinkle in his eye: "How are Mrs. Wood and all the little splinters?"



She Didn't Sleep Well

A woman who lives in an inland town, while going to a convention in a distant city spent one night of the journey on board a steamboat. It was the first time she had ever traveled by water. She reached her journey's end extremely fatigued. To a friend who remarked it she replied:

"Yes, I'm tired to death. I don't know as I care to travel by water again. I read the card in my stateroom about how to put the life-preserver on, and I thought I understood it; but I guess I didn't. Somehow, I couldn't go to sleep with the thing on."



They Planned a Little Surprise for Him

On a west-bound train scheduled for a long trip a very large, muscular man fell asleep and annoyed all the passengers by snoring tremendously. Reading, conversation or quiet rest was an impossibility. Finally a drummer, carrying half a lemon in his hand, tiptoed over to a little boy who sat behind the snorer.

"Son," said the drummer impressively, "I am a doctor, and if that man doesn't stop snoring he'll die of apoplexy. Watch your chance, and as soon as his mouth opens a little wider, lean over and squeeze this lemon into it."



He Knew Only One

A teacher had been telling her class of boys that recently worms had become so numerous that they destroyed the crops, and it was necessary to import the English sparrow to exterminate them. The sparrows multiplied very fast and were gradually driving away our native birds.

Johnny was apparently very inattentive, and the teacher, thinking to catch him napping, said;

"Johnny, which is worse, to have worms or sparrows?"

Johnny hesitated a moment and then replied:

"Please, I never had the sparrows."



He Proved It Was Logical

A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to the court:

"Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right arm and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by only one of his limbs."

"That argument," said the judge, "is very well put. Following it logically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer's assistance unscrewed his cork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out.



The Old Man Knew Best

"I took three bottles of your medicine, and I feel like a new woman," read the testimonial. "John," she said in a shrill, piping voice, "I think this is exactly what I need. I have been feeling bad for quite a spell back, and the lady was symptomated just exactly as I feel. I believe I will try three bottles and see if it will make a new woman out of me."

"Not much, Maria," said John, with tremendous earnestness. "Not if I know it. I don't mind spending three dollars on you if you feel bad, but I ain't a-goin' to have you made into any of these here new women, gaddin' about the city to women's clubs and savin' the country that don't need savin'. You jest mix up some sulphur and molasses and take it, and you will feel better, but don't let me hear no more of this new-woman nonsense."



Watch and Pray

A pompous old Bishop was one morning breakfasting at a country inn where it had been his lot to spend the night. As he approached the table he found at his place a fine trout well cooked and tempting. He closed his eyes to say his grace before meat, not noticing a Quaker gentleman seated opposite, who, with a mischievous smile, reached over quickly and scooped the fish over to his own plate.

Having finished his prayer the Bishop opened his eyes and prepared to enjoy the trout, but to his surprise and dismay it had disappeared.

The jolly Quaker, eying the Bishop, at the same time demolishing the trout, said with feigned solemnity:

"Bishop, thee must 'watch and pray'—'watch and pray.'"



No Doubt About That

The fresh spring breezes were blowing through the open windows of the schoolroom, and George Washington was the momentous question in hand.

"Why do you think George Washington was the first man?" asked the teacher.

"Because he was 'first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.'"

Another boy then raised his hand.

"Well, Johnny, who do you think was the first man?" said the teacher.

"Don't know his name," answered Johnny, "but I know George Washington was not the first man, 'cause my history says he married a widow, so there must have been a man ahead of him."



All's Fair in Love

A poor couple went to the priest for marriage, and were met with a demand for the marriage fee. It was not forthcoming. Both the consenting parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but destitute of financial resources. The father was obdurate. "No money, no marriage."

"Give me l'ave, your riverence," said the blushing bride, "to go and get the money."

It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising a marriage fee out of pure nothing. After a short interval she returned with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed to the satisfaction of all. When the parting was taking place the newly-made wife seemed a tittle uneasy.

"Anything on your mind, Catherine ?" said the father.

"Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage could not be spoiled now."

"Certainly not, Catherine. No man can put you asunder."

"Could you not do it yourself, father? Could you not spoil the marriage?"

"No, no, Catherine. You are past me now. I have nothing more to do with your marriage."

"That aises me mind," said Catherine, "and God bless your riverence. There's the ticket for your hat. I picked it up in the lobby and pawned it."



An Addition to the Catechism

An enterprising superintendent was engaged one Sunday in catechizing the Sunday-school pupils, varying the usual method by beginning at the end of the catechism.

After asking what were the prerequisites for the Holy Communion and confirmation, and receiving satisfactory replies, he asked:

"And now, boys, tell me what must precede baptism?"

A lively urchin shouted out: "A baby, sir!"



No Two Ways About It

A colored preacher who had only a small share of this world's goods, and whose salary was not forthcoming on several occasions, became exasperated. At his morning service he spoke to his church members thusly:

"Bredern and sistern, things is not as should be. You 'must not 'spects I can preach on u'th an' boa'd in Heben."



The Maid Knew a Thing or Two

"Madam," said the book-agent as the door was opened by a very comely maid, "I am selling a new book on etiquette and deportment."

"Oh, you are," she responded. "Go down there on the grass and clean the mud off your feet."

"Yes'm," and he went. "As I was saying, ma'am," he continued as he again came to the door, "I am sell——"

"Take off your hat! Never address a strange lady at her door without removing your hat."

"Yes'm." And off went the hat. "Now, then, as I was saying——"

"Take your hands out of your pockets. No gentleman ever carries his hands there."

"Yes'm," and his hands clutched at his coat lapels. "Now, ma'am, this work on eti——"

"Throw out your cud. If a gentleman uses tobacco he is careful not to disgust others by the habit."

"Yes'm," and the tobacco disappeared. "Now, ma'am," as he wiped his brow, "in calling your attention to this valuable——"

"Wait. Put that dirty handkerchief out of sight. I don't want your book. I am only the hired girl. You can come in, however, and talk with the lady of the house. She called me a liar this morning and I think she needs something of the kind."



Under Similar Conditions

"Speaking of men falling in love and ardently pursuing the object of their affections, you needn't make fun of any one, John. You were bound to have me, but you can't say I ever ran after you."

"Very true, Anastasia, the trap never runs after the rat, but it gathers him in all the same."



His First Move

A bashful cowboy, returning from the plains to civilized society after an absence of several years, fell desperately in love at first sight with a pretty young girl whom he met at a party.

On leaving the house that evening the young lady forgot her overshoes, and the hostess, who had noticed the Westerner's infatuation, told the young Lochinvar that he might return them to the girl if he wished. The herder leaped at the chance and presented himself in due time at the young lady's house. She greeted him cordially.

"You forgot your overshoes last night," he said, awkwardly handing her the package.

"Why, there's only one overshoe here!" she exclaimed, as she thanked him and opened it.

"Yes, Miss," said he, blushing. "I'll bring the other one tomorrow. Oh, how I wish that you were a centipede!" And with that he turned and sped away down the street.



His "Catch" Was Delayed

Tommy went fishing the other day without his mother's permission. The next morning one of his chums met him and asked: "Did you catch anything yesterday, Tommy?"

"Not till I got home," was the rather sad response.



Using His Friends

A visitor from New York to the suburbs said to his host during the afternoon:

"By-the-way, your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could do to get it open. You ought to have it trimmed or greased or something."

"Oh, no," replied the owner, "oh, no, that's all right."

"Why is it?" asked the visitor.

"Because," was the reply, "every one who comes through that gate pumps two buckets of water into the tank on the roof."



He Did—After That

A young man who persisted in whispering loudly to the lady who accompanied him to a symphony concert, telling her what the music "meant," what sort of a passage was coming next, and so on, caused serious annoyance to every one of his immediate neighbors. Presently he closed his eyes and said to his companion:

"Did you ever try listening to music with your eyes shut? You've no idea how lovely it sounds!"

Thereupon a gentleman who sat in the seat in front of the young man twisted himself about and said gravely:

"Young man, did you ever try listening to music with your mouth shut?"

THE END