TOO GOOD TO BE WASTED

A lady of great beauty and attractiveness, who was an ardent admirer of Ireland, once crowned her praise of it at a party by saying:

"I think I was meant for an Irishwoman."

"Madam," rejoined a witty son of Erin, who happened to be present, "thousands would back me in saying you were meant for an Irishman."

HE UNDERSTOOD

The pale-faced passenger looked out of the car window with exceeding interest. Finally he turned to his seat mate.

"You likely think I never rode in the cars before," he said, "but the fact is, pardner, I just got out of prison this mornin' and it does me good to look around. It is goin' to be mighty tough, though, facin' my old-time friends. I s'pose, though, you ain't got much idea how a man feels in a case like that."

"Perhaps I have a better idea of your feelings than you think," said the other gentleman, with a sad smile. "I am just getting home from Congress."

TOUCHY

Lysander, a farm hand, was recounting his troubles to a neighbor. Among other things he said that the wife of the farmer who employed him was "too close for any use." "This very mornin'," said he, "she asked me: 'Lysander, do you know how many pancakes you have et this mornin'?' I said, 'No, ma'am; I ain't had no occasion to count 'em,' 'Well,' says she, 'that last one was the twenty-sixth.' And it made me so mad I jest got up from the table and went to work without my breakfast!"

THE INTELLIGENT CAT

Two suburban gardeners were swearing vengeance on cats.

"It appears to me," one said, "that they seem to pick out your choicest plants to scratch out of the ground."

"There's a big tomcat," the other said, "that fetches my plants out and then sits and actually defies me."

"Why don't you hurl a brick at him?" asked the first speaker.

"That's what makes me mad," was the reply. "I can't. He gets on top of my greenhouse to defy me."

PRIDE

A little boy was on his knees recently one night, and auntie, staying at the house, was present.

"It is a pleasure," she said to him, afterward, "to hear you saying your prayers so well. You speak so earnestly and seriously, and mean what you say, and care about it."

"Ah!" he answered, "ah, but, auntie, you should hear me gargle!"

ROBBING HIMSELF

"Germany's claim that she imports nothing, buys only of herself, and so is growing rich from the war, is a dreadful fallacy."

The speaker was Herbert C. Hoover, chairman of the American Food Board.

"Germany," he went on, "is like the young man who wisely thought he'd grow his own garden stuff. This young man had been digging for about an hour when his spade turned up a quarter. Ten minutes later he found another quarter. Then he found a dime. Then he found a quarter again.

"'By gosh!' he said, 'I've struck a silver mine,' and, straightening up, he felt something cold slide down his leg. Another quarter lay at his feet. He grasped the truth: There was a hole in his pocket."

PESSIMISTS

Out at the front two regiments, returning to the trenches, chanced to meet. There was the usual exchange of wit.

"When's the bloomin' war goin' to end?" asked one north-country lad.

"Dunno," replied one of the south-shires. "We've planted some daffydils in front of our trench."

"Bloomin' optimists!" snorted the man from the north. "We've planted acorns."

DELAYED

The way they take air raids in England is illustrated by the following conversation from Punch:

"Just ask Dr. Jones to run round to my place right away. Our cook's fallen downstairs—broke her leg; the housemaid's got chicken-pox, and my two boys have been knocked down by a taxi."

"I'm sorry, sir, but the doctor was blown up in yesterday's air raid, and he won't be down for a week."

HOW MARY LOST A TIP

Soon after a certain judge of the Supreme Court of Rhode Island had been appointed he went down into one of the southern counties to sit for a week. He was well satisfied with himself.

"Mary," he said to the Irish waitress at the hotel where he was stopping, "you've been in this country how long?"

"Two years, sir," she said.

"Do you like it?"

"Sure, it's well enough," answered Mary.

"But, Mary," the judge continued, "you have many privileges in this country which you'd not have in Ireland. Now at home you would never be in a room with a justice of the Supreme Court, and chatting familiarly with him."

"But, sure, sir," said Mary, quite in earnest, "you'd never be a judge at home."

A LITTLE TOO THRIFTY

Secretary of War Baker tells a story of a country youth who was driving to the county fair with his sweetheart when they passed a booth where fresh popcorn was for sale.

"My! Abner, ain't that nice?" said the girl.

"Ain't what nice?" asked Abner.

"Why, the popcorn, it smells so awfully good," replied the girl.

"It does smell kind o' fine," drawled the youth. "I'll jest drive a little closer so you can get a better smell."

BEYOND HIM

A young couple, speeding along the country highway, were stopped by the justice of the peace.

"Ten and costs for reckless driving," announced the justice.

"Listen," said the young man, "judge, we were on our way to have you marry us."

"Twenty and costs, then!" cried the justice. "You're more reckless than I thought you were."

ITS NAME

In a kindergarten class flags were shown, and in answer to a question a little girl gave the response that was expected of her: "This is the flag of my country."

"And what is the name of your country?" was the next question.

"'Tis of thee," was the prompt reply.

THE ORIGINAL METHOD

Katherine and Margaret found themselves seated next each other at a dinner-party and immediately became confidential.

"Molly told me that you told her that secret I told you not to tell her," whispered Margaret.

"Oh, isn't she a mean thing!" gasped Katherine. "Why, I told her not to tell you!"

"Well," returned Margaret, "I told her I wouldn't tell you she told me—so don't tell her I did."

GIVE US THE CHANCE

When Booth Tarkington was visiting Naples he was present at an eruption of Vesuvius.

"You haven't anything like that in America, have you?" said an Italian friend with pride.

"No, we haven't," replied Tarkington; "but we've got Niagara Falls that would put the d——d thing out in five minutes."

A DELIGHTFUL EXPERIENCE!

We often take delight in fancying what we would do if things were really reversed in this oftentimes trying world: and particularly what we would do to the president of our bank. Here is a little story which gives the pleasant variety:

"I have come in to borrow some money from you," said the bank president timidly, as he stood before one of his depositors, nervously twirling his hat in his hand.

"Ah, yes," said the depositor, gazing at him severely. "But you don't expect to get it, do you?"

"I had hoped to."

"What collateral have you to offer?"

"My bank with all the money in it."

"All the people in the bank?"

"Yes."

"Please say 'Yes, sir.' It is more respectful."

"Thank you, sir."

"Um! Ah! Will you put in your own family?"

"Yes, sir, I'll throw in my family also."

"Your prospects in life? Don't hesitate, man. Remember you are up against it."

"Well, yes, sir."

"How much money do you want?"

"One thousand dollars."

"Dear me! For such a small amount as that I shall have to charge you at least six per cent. If you were a regular millionaire and wanted, say, half a million, I could let you have it for three or four per cent."

"Yes, sir. I appreciate your generosity."

The depositor handed the president of the bank, who was now almost completely bathed in a cold perspiration, a blank form.

"Here," he said, "sign this."

"Do you wish me to read it first, sir?"

"What! Read something you wouldn't understand anyway? No. I'll tell you what's in it. It mortgages yourself, your bank, all the people in it, your family, all your property, and your soul Sign here."

The bank president signed with trembling fingers, got a piece of paper which entitled him to the privilege of entertaining a thousand dollars for six months at his own expense, and withdrew.

Then the depositor, smiling to himself and rubbing his hands, said:

"Aha! I'll teach these fellows to know their places!"

DAD WAS WISE

When the conversation turned to the subject of romantic marriage this little anecdote was volunteered by H.M. Asker, a North Dakota politician:

"So you were married ten years ago. Took place in the church, I suppose, with bridesmaids, flowers, cake, and the brass band?"

"No; it was an elopement."

"An elopement, eh? Did the girl's father follow you?"

"Yes, and he has been with us ever since."

KINDNESS

Private Simpkins had returned from the front, to find that his girl had been walking out with another young man, and naturally asked her to explain her frequent promenades in the town with the gentleman.

"Well, dear," she replied, "it was only kindness on his part. He just took me down every day to the library to see if you were killed."

MORE SCOTCH THRIFT

Harry Lauder tells the following story about a funeral in Glasgow and a well-dressed stranger who took a seat in one of the mourning coaches. The other three occupants of the carriage were rather curious to know who he was, and at last one of them began to question him. The dialogue went like this:

"Ye'll be a brither o' the corp?"

"No, I'm no' a brither o' the corp."

"Weel, ye'll be his cousin?"

"No, I'm no' a cousin."

"At ony rate ye'll be a frien' o' the corp?"

"No, I'm no' that either. Ye see, I've no' been very weel masel," the stranger explained complacently, "an' my doctor has ordered me carriage exercise, so I thocht this would be the cheapest way to tak' it."

WORTH A CHANCE

The small boy stood at the garden gate and howled and howled and howled. A passing lady paused beside him.

"What's the matter, little man?" she asked in a kindly voice.

"O-o-oh!" wailed the youngster. "Pa and ma won't take me to the pictures to-night."

"But don't make such a noise," said the dame, admonishingly. "Do they ever take you when you cry like that?"

"S-sometimes they do, an'—an' sometimes they d-d-don't," bellowed the boy. "But it ain't no trouble to yell!"

CHANGE FOR THE BETTER

"We were bounding along," said a recent traveller on a local South African single-line railway, "at the rate of about seven miles an hour, and the whole train was shaking terribly. I expected every moment to see my bones protruding through my skin. Passengers were rolling from one end of the car to the other. I held on firmly to the arms of the seat. Presently we settled down a bit quieter; at least I could keep my hat on and my teeth didn't chatter.

"There was a quiet-looking man opposite me. I looked up with a ghastly smile, wishing to appear cheerful, and said:

"'We are going a bit smoother, I see.'

"'Yes,' he said, 'we're off the track now,'"

BIG CHANCES BOTH WAYS

The famous physician and the eminent clergyman were deep in a discussion which threatened to become acrimonious.

"You see," said the minister sarcastically, "you medical men know so much about the uncertainties of this world that I should think you would not want to live."

"Oh, I don't know," responded the physician caustically. "You clergymen tell us so much about the uncertainties of the next world that we don't want to die."

WARNING TO AUTHORS

One of Mr. Kipling's trees was injured by a bus, the driver of which was also landlord of an inn. Kipling wrote this man a letter of complaint, which the recipient sold to one of his guests for ten shillings. Again the angry author wrote, this time a more violent letter, which immediately fetched one pound.

A few days later Kipling called on the landlord and demanded to know why he had received no answer to his letters.

"Why, I was hoping you would send me a fresh one every day," was the cool reply. "They pay a great deal better than bus driving."

CONSIDERING FATHER

Does the American woman always consider her lesser half? The following tale shows that she does, although the lady's husband undoubtedly moved in a lower sphere. She was at that period in her existence where she gave literary afternoons and called her college-graduated daughter to her side and said:

"This afternoon, as I understand, we attend the Current Events Club, where Miss Spindleshank Corkerly of New York and Washington will give us her brief and cheery synopsis of the principal world events during the last month."

"Yes, mother."

"This evening the Birth Control Association meets at Mrs. Mudhaven's, where I shall read my paper on the Moral Protoplasm."

"Yes, mother."

"To-morrow morning the Efficiency Circle will assemble here for its weekly discussion and will be addressed by Professor Von Skintime Closhaven on the Scientific Curtailment of Catnaps."

"Yes, mother."

"To-morrow afternoon the Superwoman's Civic Conference Committee will take up the subject of the Higher Feminism, and in the evening the Hygienic Sex Sisters will confer with the superintendent of our school system on several ideas for our schools which we have in mind."

"Yes, mother. That brings us up to Thursday. What shall we do on that evening?"

"I thought, my dear, that we would take a night off and go to the movies with your dear father."

STORIES ABOUT JAMES GORDON BENNETT

Many are the stories told of the late James Gordon Bennett. One, more than any other, reveals one of his weaknesses—a disinclination to acknowledge an error.

Before taking up his residence abroad he frequently breakfasted at Delmonico's, then downtown. One Christmas morning he gave the waiter who always served him a small roll of bills. As soon as opportunity offered the waiter looked at the roll, and when he recovered his equilibrium took it to Mr. Delmonico. There were six $1,000 bills in the roll. The proprietor, sensing that a mistake had been made, put them in the safe.

When the publisher next visited the cafe Mr. Delmonico told him the waiter had turned the money in. He added he would return it as Mr. Bennett departed.

"Why return it? Didn't I give it to him?"

"Yes. But, of course, it was a mistake. You gave him $6,000."

"Mr. Delmonico," replied Bennett, rising to his full height, "you should know by this time that James Gordon Bennett never makes a mistake."

A pressman had just returned to work after a protracted spree. His face was battered, an eye was blackened, and an ear showed a tendency to mushroom. The night of his return was one on which Mr. Bennett visited the pressroom. He saw Mr. Bennett before Mr. Bennett saw him, and, daubing a handful of ink on his face, he became so busy that Bennett noticed him.

"Who is that man?" he asked the foreman. "What do you pay him?"

The foreman gave him the information.

"Double his salary," replied Mr. Bennett. "He's the only man in the place who seems to be doing any work."

A dramatic critic, still a well-known writer, lost his place because he would not get his hair cut. Bennett in Paris asked him why he wore his hair so long and was told because he liked it that way. An order sending him to Copenhagen followed. When his return was announced by a secretary, Bennett asked if he had had his hair cut, and being informed that he had not, ordered him to St. Petersburg. On his return from Russia, still unshorn, he was sent to the Far East.

"Has he had his hair cut?" asked Bennett when his return was once more announced.

"No, sir," replied the secretary, "it's as long as ever."

"Then fire him," replied Bennett. "He's too slow to take a hint to suit me."

STAYING ON THE JOB

In introducing the Honorable W.G. McAdoo to an audience of North Carolinians in the Raleigh Auditorium, Governor T.W. Bickett had occasion to refer to the North Carolina trait of stick-to-it-ness. He used as an example the case of Private Jim Webb, a green soldier and a long, lanky individual from the farm who had never been drilled in his whole life and knew even less about the usages and customs of war, so when he was conscripted into the North Carolina divisions in the late war between the states, he was given only a week's drill and then assigned to duty.

His regiment was in the Peninsular campaign, and Jim was soon put on guard duty, being given, as his first post, a place along the river bank, and cautioned to stick to his post under any conditions, to watch closely for the enemy, and to allow no one to pass who could not give the countersign.

"Obey your instructions," said the officer of the guard, "and I will return at two o'clock with relief. Do not leave your post under any conditions."

Promptly at two o'clock the officer returned, to find Jim gone. He searched long and diligently, but no trace of Jim. Finally he called, lowly at first, then louder, seeking to know if Jim were in the vicinity or had been captured. Finally came Jim's answering voice from out in the middle of the river, "Here I be."

"What in the world are you doing out there?" asked the indignant officer. "Did I not tell you not to leave your post?"

"I hain't moved, nuther," replied the indignant Jim; "the durn river's riz."

BUSINESS IS BUSINESS

"May I see you privately?"

The well-dressed stranger approached the mayor of the suburban town with the air of one who knew his business. When they were alone he said:

"I want to apply for the position of village burglar."

"Village burglar!"

"Yes, sir. I guarantee results, I only rob one house a week. This includes a clean get-away. When a man, no matter how conscientious, attempts any more than this, he is bound to deteriorate. By employing me regularly you get the best results."

"What inducements do you offer?"

"Your village will be advertised regularly and in the most efficient manner. I will guarantee to keep away all other burglars, thus insuring the comfort and safety of your police. I return all goods stolen. If it is necessary at any time to wound any of your citizens, I will pay half of the hospital expenses. Salary five thousand a year. Can furnish references."

"Nothing else?"

"My dear sir, what more do you want?"

The mayor shook his head, as rising, he indicated that the interview was over.

"Sorry, my friend," he said, "that I can't accept your offer, but I am just closing a contract with a man who not only will burglarize our village regularly on your terms, but also will turn over to us as a rebate one-half of the salary he gets from the burglary insurance company that employs him."

HIS FAVORITE BEAST

Harris Dickson, on a hunting trip in Sunflower County, Mississippi, met an old darky who had never seen a circus in his life. When the Big Show came in the following season to Dickson's town of Vicksburg he sent for the old man and treated him to the whole thing—arrival of the trains, putting up the tents, grand free street parade, menagerie, main performance, concert, side show, peanuts, red lemonade, and all.

The old darky followed his white patron through with popping eyes, but saying never a word. Late in the afternoon they got back to the Dickson home.

"John," said Dickson, "you enjoyed it?"

"Boss," said John fervently. "Ah shore did!"

"What did you like the most?"

"Mistah Dickson," answered John, "Ah shore laked hit all."

"Well, what impressed you most?"

"Well, suh, boss," he said, "Ah reckin hit waz dat dere animul you calls de camuel."

"The camel, eh? Well, what was so remarkable about the camel?"

"He suttinly is got such a noble smell!"

A LONG STORY

"May I ask the cause of all this excitement?" asked the stranger in the little village.

"Certainly," replied the countryman. "We're celebrating the birthday of the oldest inhabitant sir. She's a hundred and one to-day."

"Indeed! And may I ask who is that little man, with the dreadfully sad countenance, walking by the old lady's side?"

"Oh, that's the old lady's son-in-law, sir. He's been keeping up the payments on her life-insurance for the last thirty years!"

A DUAL REPUTATION

As Grantland Rice tells the story, a certain distinguished English actor, whom we may safely call Jones-Brown, plays a persistent but horrible game of golf. During a recent visit to this country the actor in question occasionally visited the links of a well-known country club in Westchester County, near New York.

After an especially miserable showing of inaptness one morning, he flung down his driver in disgust.

"Caddy," he said, addressing the silent youth who stood alongside, "that was awful, wasn't it?"

"Purty bad, sir," stated the boy.

"I freely confess that I am the worst golfer in the world," continued the actor.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," said the caddy soothingly.

"Did you ever see a worse player than I am?"

"No, sir, I never did," confessed the boy truthfully; "but some of the other boys was tellin' me yistiddy about a gentleman that must be a worse player than you are. They said his name was Jones-Brown."

ALWAYS SAFETY FIRST

"You say that you want some name engraved on this ring," said the jeweller to the bashful young man.

"Yes; I want the words, 'George, to his dearest Alice' engraved on the inside of the ring."

"Is the young lady your sister?"

"No; she is the young lady to whom I am engaged."

"Well, if I were you I would not have 'George, to his dearest Alice' engraved on the ring. If Alice changes her mind you can't use the ring again."

"What would you suggest?"

"I would suggest the words, 'George, to his first and only love,' You see, with that inscription you can use the ring half a dozen times. I have had experience in such matters myself."

SURPRISING

Pat came to the dentist's with his jaw very much swollen from a tooth he desired to have pulled. But when the suffering son of Erin got into the dentist's chair and saw the gleaming pair of forceps approaching his face, he positively refused to open his mouth. The dentist quietly told his page boy to prick his patient with a pin, and when Pat opened his mouth to yell the dentist seized the tooth, and out it came. "It didn't hurt as much as you expected it would, did it?" the dentist asked, smilingly.

"Well, no," replied Pat, hesitatingly, as if doubting the truthfulness of his admission. "But," he added, placing his hand on the spot where the little boy pricked him with the pin, "begorra, little did I think the roots would reach down like that."

TRUE OPTIMIST

Among the passengers on a train on a one-track road in the Middle West was a talkative jewelry drummer. Presently the train stopped to take on water, and the conductor neglected to send back a flagman. An express came along and, before it could be stopped, bumped the rear end of the first train. The drummer was lifted from his seat and pitched head first into the seat ahead. His silk hat was jammed clear down over his ears. He picked himself up and settled back in his seat. No bones had been broken. He drew a long breath, straightened up, and said: "Well, they didn't get by us, anyway."

INDISSOLUBLE PARTNERS

Memory and Imagination had a discussion as to which was the greater. "Without me," said Memory, "your buildings, your fine castles, would all go down. I alone give you power to retain them."

"Without me," said Imagination, "there would be no use of retaining them, for, indeed, they wouldn't be there. I am the great builder."

"And I the great recorder."

"It appears, then, that no one of us is greater than the other. Yet I would not change places with you."

"Why not?" said Memory.

"Because," replied Imagination, "without you I can still keep on creating over and over."

At the end of a year Memory came back.

"What have you done?" asked Memory.

"Nothing," said Imagination.

"And you were wrong when you said that without me you could still go on creating."

"Yes. I did not realize how dependent I was upon you. What have you been doing during the year?"

"Reviewing some old friends. That was all I could do."

"Then we are practically equal."

"Yes. Let us live together hereafter in harmony, carrying on our door this legend:

There is no Memory without Imagination, And no Imagination without Memory."

DEPENDED ON THE MULE

Speaking at a political gathering, Congressman Frederick W. Dallinger, of Massachusetts, referred to the many amusing incidents of the schoolrooms, and related a little incident along that line.

A teacher in a public school was instructing a youthful class in English when she paused and turned to a small boy named Jimmy Brown.

"James," said she, "write on the board, 'Richard can ride the mule if he wants to,'"

This Jimmie proceeded to do to the satisfaction of all concerned.

"Now, then," continued the teacher when Jimmy had returned to his place, "can you find a better form for that sentence?"

"Yes, ma'am," was the prompt response of Jimmy. "'Richard can ride the mule if the mule wants him to.'"

CROWN PRINCE CALLED DOWN

Some years before the war the German Crown Prince got a very neat call-down from Miss Bernice Willard, a Philadelphia girl. It was during the Emperor's regatta, and the two mentioned were sitting with others on the deck of a yacht. A whiff of smoke from the Prince's cigarette blowing into the young lady's face, a lieutenant near by remarked:

"Smoke withers flowers."

"It is no flower," said the prince, jocularly, "it is a thistle."

Miss Willard raised her eyes a trifle.

"In that case," she said, "I had better retire or I shall be devoured"

HUMBLED

Mrs. Mellon did not wish to offend her new cook.

"John," she said to the manservant, "can you find out without asking the cook whether the tinned salmon was all eaten last night? You see, I don't wish to ask her, because she may have eaten it, and then she would feel uncomfortable," added the good soul.

"If you please, ma'am," replied the man, "the new cook has eaten the tinned salmon, and if you was to say anything to her you couldn't make her feel any more uncomfortable than she is."

IS THIS TACT?

An officer on board a warship was drilling his men.

"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air, and move them as if he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now commence."

After a short effort one of the men stopped.

"Why have you stopped, Murphy?" asked the officer.

"If ye plaze, sir," was the answer, "Oi'm coasting."

WARNED IN TWENTY YEARS

Several Scotchmen were discussing the domestic unhappiness of a mutual friend.

"Aye," said one, "Jock McDonald has a sair time wi' that wife o' his. They do say they're aye quarrelin'."

"It serve' him richt," said another feelingly. "The puir feckless creature marrit after coortin' only eight year. Man, indeed, he had nae chance to ken the wumman in sic a short time. When I was coortin' I was coortin' twenty year."

"And how did it turn out?" inquired a stranger in the party.

"I tell ye, I was coortin' twenty year, an' in that time I kenned what wumman was, an' so I didna marry."

BEGINNING EARLY

Jack disliked being kissed, and, being a handsome little chap, sometimes had a good deal to put up with. One day he had been kissed a lot. Then, to make matters worse, on going to the picture palace in the evening, instead of his favorite cowboy and Indian pictures, there was nothing but a lot more hugging and kissing.

He returned home completely out of patience with the whole tribe of women.

After he had tucked into bed mother came in to kiss him good-night.

He refused to be kissed.

Mother begged and begged, till in disgust he turned to his father, who was standing at the doorway looking on, and said:

"Daddy, for the love of Heaven, give this woman a kiss!"

DISCERNING

"Daisy," remarked the teacher, "don't love your cat too much. What would you do if it died—you wouldn't see it again?"

"Oh, yes; I should see it in heaven."

"No, dear, you're mistaken; animals cannot go to heaven like people."

Daisy's eyes filled with tears, but suddenly she exclaimed triumphantly:

"Animals do go to heaven, for the Bible says the Promised Land is flowing with milk and honey, and, if there are no animals, where do they get the milk?"

ROTUND

An elderly woman who was extremely stout was endeavoring to enter a street car when the conductor, noticing her difficulty, said to her:

"Try sideways, madam; try sideways."

The woman looked up breathlessly and said: "Why, bless ye, I ain't got no sideways!"

BEYOND THE SENSE OF HUMOR

A Scottish soldier, badly wounded, requested an army chaplain to write a letter for him to his wife. The chaplain, anxious to oblige, started off with "My dear Wife—"

"Na, na," said the Scotsman, "dinna pit that doon. Ma wife canna see a joke."

A NEW COMPLAINT

A German, whose wife was ill at the Seney Hospital, Brooklyn, called the first evening she was there and inquired how she was getting along. He was told that she was improving.

Next day he called again, and was told she was still improving. This went on for some time, each day the report being that his wife was improving.

Finally, one day he called and said:

"How iss my wife?"

"She's dead."

He went out and met a friend, and the friend said:

"Well, how is your wife?"

"She's dead."

"Ooh! How terrible! What did she die of?"

"Improvements!"

SOME FIGHT

An American Negro stevedore assigned to the great docks in southwestern France had written several letters to his black Susanna in Jacksonville, Fla., when she wrote back saying:

"You-all don't nevah tell me nothin' 'bout de battle a-tall. Tilda Sublet's Dave done wrote her all about how he kotched two Germans all by hisself and kilt three mo'."

The stevedore was reluctant to tell his girl that he was doing manual labor and that his only accoutrement was the tinware from which he ate his war bread, "slum" and coffee. His reply ran:

"Dear Sue: De battle am goin' on. You would faint if I tole yuh de full details. Ah'm standin' in blood up to mah knees, and every time Ah move Ah step on a daid German. We're too close to use our rifles, and we're bitin' and gougin' 'em. At one time me and two othah niggahs was hangin' onto de Crown Prince wid our teeth, an' old Papa Kaiser done beat us off wid a fence rail untwell ree-umfo's-ments come!"

TOO STRONG A TERM

One evening just before dinner the wife, who had been playing bridge all the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterward ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over the library table upon which were spread several sheets of paper.

"What are you doing with all that paper, Henry?" demanded the wife.

"I am making a wish," meekly responded the husband.

"A wish?"

"Yes, my dear. In your presence I shall not presume to call it a will."



NOT FOR HER TO SAY

The value of travel oftentimes depends upon who travels.

Mrs. Williams, who had recently returned from abroad, was attending an afternoon tea which was given in her honor.

"And did you actually go to Rome?" asked the hostess.

"I really don't know, my dear," replied Mrs. Williams. "You see, my husband always bought the tickets."

AN EXPERT

"So," said the old general, "you think you would make a good valet for an old wreck like me, do you? I have a glass eye, a wooden leg, and a wax arm that need looking after, not to mention false teeth, and so forth."

"Oh, that's all right, general," replied the applicant, enthusiastically; "I've had lots of experience. I worked six years in the assembling department of a big motor-car factory."

SHE ADMITTED IT

Our ideals are often a personal matter and, after all, it is just as well to be humble about our achievements A certain woman was brought before a magistrate.

"It appears to be your record, Mary Moselle," said the magistrate, "that you have been thirty-five times convicted of stealing."

"I guess, your honor," replied Mary, "that is right. No woman is perfect."

A BENEFACTOR OF MANKIND

This story teaches us a very old moral.

The man of whom it is told was travelling in a railroad train when he leaned forward confidentially to the man in the next seat:

"Excuse me, sir," he said. "You're not going to get off at the next station, are you?"

"No, sir."

"Then that will give me time to tell you. Are you aware, sir, what is the matter with this great country?"

"No, sir."

"As I thought. It's due entirely to misunderstanding. We are always jumping to conclusions about others. That makes us suspicious. Result, constant friction. Take you and me, for example. At present we are comparative strangers. But when we get to know each other better we shall slowly but surely come to realize that each of us is trying to do our best, and—"

"But I don't want to know you any better."

"Precisely. Exactly. That's what causes all the trouble. I judge you and you judge me too hastily. As you become better acquainted with my motives you will gradually come to realize that deep down in my heart is a passionate desire to benefit my fellowmen. Same here. My tendency is to treat you as a stranger, not to give you credit for noble generosity and genuine civic virtue. But I am determined to overcome this attitude and recognize you as a brother. I know I'm a hundred years ahead of my age, but someone must make the sacrifice."

The train stopped and the other man got up and, leaning over, grabbed him by the arm.

"I'm changing my mind," he said; "guess I will get off at this station. By-by. Sorry I can't know you better."

The pioneer in human progress sat for some time after the train had started, pondering on the deep problem of destiny. Suddenly, however, he clapped his hands to his pockets and ran forward to the conductor.

"Say, conductor," he whispered, hoarsely, "did that man I was talking to get off at the last station?"

"Yes, sir; did you lose anything?"

The human benefactor smiled sadly.

"Not in comparison with what the world has lost," he replied. "The human race has lost one of those priceless ideas which, in the course of centuries, sometimes come to real genius only to be abandoned. I lost only my watch."

THE SILVER LINING

He was a Scot, with the usual thrifty characteristics of his race. Wishing to know his fate, he telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the lady of his choice. After waiting all day at the telegraph office he received an affirmative answer late at night.

"Well, if I were you," said the operator who delivered the message, "I'd think twice before I'd marry a girl who kept me waiting so long for an answer."

"Na, na," replied the Scot. "The lass for me is the lass wha waits for the night rates."



FRENCH POLITENESS

As a truly polite nation the French undoubtedly lead the world, thinks a contributor to a British weekly. The other day a Paris dentist's servant opened the door to a woebegone patient.

"And who, monsieur," he queried in a tender tone, "shall I have the misery of announcing?"

SIMPLE FAITH

The Methodist minister in a small country town was noted for his begging propensities and for his ability to extract generous offerings from the close-fisted congregation, which was made up mostly of farmers. One day the young son of one of the members accidentally swallowed a ten-cent piece, much to the excitement of the rest of the family. Every means of dislodging the coin had failed and the frightened parents were about to give up in despair when a bright thought struck the little daughter, who exclaimed: "Oh, mamma, I know how you can get it! Send for our minister; he'll get it out of him!"

LIMITED DISSIPATION

A small, hen-pecked, worried-looking man was about to take an examination for life insurance.

"You don't dissipate, do you?" asked the physician, as he made ready for tests. "Not a fast liver, or anything of that sort?"

The little man hesitated a moment, looked a bit frightened, then replied, in a small, piping voice: "I sometimes chew a little gum."

THE LIMIT

The manager of a factory recently engaged a new man and gave instructions to the foreman to instruct him in his duties. A few days afterward the manager inquired whether the new man was progressing with his work.

The foreman, who had not agreed very well with the man in question, exclaimed angrily:

"Progressing! There's been a lot of progress. I have taught him everything I know and he is still an ignorant fool."

A PERFECT PROGRAM

This story has the merit of being true, anyhow: The official pessimist of a small Western city, a gentleman who had wrestled with chronic dyspepsia for years, stood in front of the post office as the noon whistles sounded.

"Twelve o'clock, eh?" he said, half to himself and half to an acquaintance. "Well, I'm going home to dinner. If dinner ain't ready I'm going to raise hell; and if it is ready I ain't going to eat a bite."

"TIPPERARY" IN CHINESE

The Chinese have put "Tipperary" into their own language, and native newspapers print the chorus as follows:

Shih ko yuan lu tao Ti-po-lieh-li, Pi yao ti jih hsing tsou. Shih ko yuan lu tao Ti-po-lieh-li, Yao chien we ngai tzu nu, Tsai hui Pi-ko-ti-li, Tsai chien Lei-ssu Kwei-rh, Shih ko yuan lu tao Ti-po-lieh-li, Tan wo hsin tsai na-rh.

This is the literal translation:

This road is far from Ti-po-lieh-li, We must walk for many days, This road is far from Ti-po-lieh-li, I want to see my lovely girl, To meet again Pi-ko-ti-li, To see again Lei-ssu Kwei-rh, This road is far from Ti-po-lieh-li, But my heart is already in that place.

NON FIT

She was a very stout, jolly-looking woman, and she was standing at the corset counter, holding in her hand an article she was returning. Evidently her attention had been suddenly drawn to the legend printed on the label, for she was overheard to murmur, "'Made expressly for John Wanamaker.' Well, there! No wonder they didn't fit me!"

HIS BY RIGHT

An Irish chauffeur in San Francisco, who had been having trouble with numerous small boys in the neighborhood of his stand, discovered one day on examining his car that there was a dead cat on one of the seats. In his anger he was about to throw the carcass into the street, when he espied a policeman.

Holding up the carcass, he exclaimed: "This is how I am insulted. What am I to do with it?"

"Well, don't you know? Take it straight to headquarters, and if it is not claimed within a month it becomes your property."

BEST OF REASONS

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," said the boys.

"Now," continued the teacher, "what I want to know is this: How is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't rush into my feet?"

And a little fellow shouted: "Why, sir, because yer feet ain't empty."

A STORY FROM THE FRONT

One day an ammunition dump blew up. Cordite was blazing, shells and bombs bursting, and splinters and whole shells flying everywhere in the vicinity. The atmosphere was full of smoke and resounding with metallic whines. Out of a shack hard by came a darky, loaded to the waterline with kit, blankets, rifle, etc., and up the road he dangled.

"Here! Where are you going?" shouted an officer.

"I ain't goin', suh," panted the darky. "I's gone."

EQUATORIAL MICHIGAN

Representative Billy Wilson, who dwells in Chicago, found himself in the upper peninsula of Michigan doing some fishing and hunting. While there he conversed with the guide that he had hired in order to have somebody around to talk to.

"Must get mighty all-fired cold up here in winter," remarked Wilson one morning.

"Yes, it often gets away down to forty-five below zero," replied the native.

"Don't see how you stand it," said the Congressman.

"Oh, I always spend my winters in the South," explained the guide.

"Go South, eh? Well, well! That's enterprising. And where do you go?"

"Grand Rapids," said the guide.

SCRIPTURAL

The college boys played a mean trick on "Prexy" by pasting some of the leaves of his Bible together. He rose to read the morning lesson, which might have been as follows:

"Now Johial took unto himself a wife of the daughters of Belial." (He turned a leaf.) "She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in breadth." (A pause, and careful scrutiny of the former page.)

He resumed: "Now Johial took unto himself a wife," etc. (Leaf turned.) "She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in breadth, and was pitched within and without—" (Painful pause and sounds of subdued mirth.) "Prexy" turns back again in perplexity.

"Young gentlemen, I can only add that 'Man is fearfully and wonderfully made'—and woman also."

THE FACT WAS

Saying is one thing and doing is another. In Montana a railway bridge had been destroyed by fire, and it was necessary to replace it. The bridge engineer and his staff were ordered in haste to the place. Two days later came the superintendent of the division. Alighting from his private car, he encountered the old master bridge-builder.

"Bill," said the superintendent—and the words quivered with energy—"I want this job rushed. Every hour's delay costs the company money. Have you got the engineer's plans for the new bridge?"

"I don't know," said the bridge-builder, "whether the engineer has the picture drawed yet or not, but the bridge is up and the trains is passin' over it."

THE LAST WORD, AS USUAL

The ways of a woman are supposed to be past finding out, but after all there are times when her logic is irresistible as in the case of a certain wife who had spent her husband's money, had compromised him more than once, had neglected her children and her household duties, and had done everything that woman can do to make his life a failure.

And then, as they were both confronted by the miserable end of it all, and realized that there was no way out of it, he said:

"Perhaps I ought not to appear to be too trivially curious, but I confess to a desire to know why you have done all this. You must have known, if you kept on, just what the end would be. Of course, nobody expects a woman to use her reason. But didn't you have, even in a dim way, some idea of what you were doing?"

She gazed at him with her usual defiance, a habit not to be broken even by the inevitable.

"Certainly I did. It was your fault."

"My fault! How do you make that out?"

"Because I have never had the slightest respect for you."

"Why not?"

She actually laughed.

"How could you expect me to have any respect for a man who could not succeed in preventing me from doing the things I did?"

FRUGAL TO THE END

Not long ago a certain publication had an idea. Its editor made up a list of thirty men and women distinguished in art, religion, literature, commerce, politics, and other lines, and to each he sent a letter or a telegram containing this question: "If you had but forty-eight hours more to live, how would you spend them?" his purpose being to embody the replies in a symposium in a subsequent issue of his periodical.

Among those who received copies of the inquiry was a New York writer. He thought the proposition over for a spell, and then sent back the truthful answer by wire, collect:

"One at a time."



NOT MUCH TO TALK ABOUT

There was an explosion of one of the big guns on a battleship not long ago. Shortly afterward one of the sailors who was injured was asked by a reporter to give an account of it.

"Well, sir," rejoined the jacky, "it was like this: You see, I was standin' with me back to the gun, a-facin' the port side. All of a sudden I hears a hell of a noise; then, sir, the ship physician, he says, 'Set up an' take this,'"



FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS

YOUTH (with tie of the Stars and Stripes): I sent you some suggestions telling you how to make your paper more interesting. Have you carried out any of my ideas?

EDITOR: Did you meet the office boy with the waste-paper basket as you came upstairs?

YOUTH: Yes, yes, I did.

EDITOR: Well, he was carrying out your ideas.

NO PLACE FOR HIM

On the western plains the sheepman goes out with several thousand head and one human companion. The natural result is that the pair, forced on one another when they least want it, form the habit of hating each other.

An ex-sheepman while in a narrative mood one evening was telling a party of friends of a fellow he once rode with. "Not a word had passed between us for more than a week, and that night when we rolled up in our blankets he suddenly asked:

"'Hear that cow beller?'

"'Sounds to me like a bull,' I replied.

"No answer, but the following morning I noticed him packing up.

"'Going to leave?' I questioned.

"'Yes,' he replied.

"'What for?'

"Too much argument,'"

IN THE OLD DAYS

Lord Northcliffe at a Washington luncheon was talking about the British Premier.

"Mr. Lloyd George is the idol of the nation," he said. "It is hard to believe how unpopular he was, at least among the Unionists, once. Among the many stories circulated about Mr. Lloyd George's unpopularity at that time there was one which concerned a rescue from drowning. The heroic rescuer, when a gold medal was presented to him for his brave deed, modestly declared:

"'I don't deserve this medal. I did nothing but my duty. I saw our friend here struggling in the water. I knew he must drown unless someone saved him. So I plunged in, swam out to him, turned him over to make sure it wasn't Lloyd George, and then lugged him to safety on my back.'"

TAKING NO CHANCES

A big darky was being registered.

"Ah can't go to wah," he answered in re exemption, "foh they ain't nobody to look afteh ma wife."

A dapper little undersized colored brother stepped briskly up and inquired, "What kind of a lookin' lady is yoh wife?"

TOO PERSONAL

Upon the recent death of an American politician, who at one time served his country in a very high legislative place, a number of newspaper men were collaborating on an obituary notice.

"What shall we say of the former senator?" asked one of the men.

"Oh, just put down that he was always faithful to his trust."

"And," queried a cynical member of the group, "shall we mention the name of the trust?"

AN ACROBAT IN THE SQUAD

Sergeant (drilling awkward squad): "Company! Attention, company! Lift up your left leg and hold it straight out in front of you!"

One of the squad held up his right leg by mistake. This brought his right-hand companion's left leg and his own right leg close together. The officer, seeing this, exclaimed angrily:

"And who is that blooming galoot over there holding up both legs?"

HIS SYSTEM WAS A COMPLETE ONE

We know that the achievements of American business experts are often beyond belief. Whether the following story is true, or is merely a satire, must be left to the judgment of the acute reader:

"May I have a few moments' private conversation?"

The faultlessly dressed gentleman addressed the portly business man, standing upon the threshold of his office.

"This is a business proposition, sir," he said, rapidly closing the door and sinking into a seat beside the desk. "I am not a book agent, nor have I any article to sell. I have come to see you about your wife."

"My wife!"

"Yes, sir. Glancing over the society column of your local paper, I am informed that she is about to take her annual autumn trip to Virginia. You will, or course, have to remain behind to take care of your vast business interests. Your wife, sir, is a charming and attractive woman, still in the bloom of youth. Have you, sir, considered the possibilities?"

The other man started to get up, his face red with rage.

"You—" he began.

"One moment, sir, and I think I can satisfy your mind that my motives are pure as alabaster. This is an age of machinery, of science and invention, and, above all, of efficiency. I am simply carrying this idea of efficiency into the domestic life, which, as you are doubtless aware, is so much more important than the physical. One moment, sir. I can furnish you with the highest credentials. This is purely professional, I can assure you. Will give bond if you so desire. My proposition is this: I will accompany your wife on her trip, always, when travelling, at a respectful distance, you understand, and it will be my pleasure as well as business to amuse and interest her during her stay. I do everything—play tennis, bridge, dance all the latest steps, know the latest jokes, can sing, converse on any subject or remain silent, am a life-saver, can run an auto, flirt discreetly, and, in fact, am the most delightful companion for a wife that you can imagine. Remember, sir, that unless you engage my services your wife is at the mercy of all the strangers she may meet and being in that peculiar condition of mind where she is bound to be attracted by things that would otherwise seem commonplace, there is no telling what the end might be. But with me she is perfectly safe. I guarantee results. I insure your heart's happiness against the future. Terms reasonable. I can refer you to—"

In reply the enforced host rose up, and, taking him not too gently by the arm, led him to the door.

"My friend," he said, coldly, "your proposition of safety first doesn't interest me. No, sir! I'm sending my wife to Virginia in hopes that she will actually fall in love with somebody else, so I won't have to endure what little I see of her any more, and here you come in to spoil my future. No, sir!"

His visitor turned and faced him with a bright smile.

"My dear sir," he said, "wait. Business man that you are, you do not understand the extent of our resources, which cover every emergency. In accordance with our usual custom, I have already met your wife at a bridge party, and I might say that she is crazy about me. Now, sir, for double the price of my regular fee and a small annual stipend, which is about half the alimony you might have to pay, I will agree to marry and take her off your hands in six months, making you happy for the rest of your life. Sign here, please. Thank you."

FACING THE TRUTH

Sanderson was on a visit to Simpkins, and in due course, naturally, he was shown the family album.

"Yes," said Simpkins, as he turned the leaves, "that's my wife's second cousin's aunt Susan. And that's Cousin James, and that's a friend of ours, and that—oh, now, who do you think that is?"

"Don't know," said Sanderson.

"Well, that's my wife's first husband, my boy."

"Great Scot! What a perfect brainless-looking idiot. But excuse me, old fellow, I didn't know your wife was a widow when you married her."

"She wasn't," said Simpkins stiffly. "That, sir, is a portrait of myself at the age of twenty."

HE GOT RESULTS, ANYWAY

American troops who during the early days of the European War were landed in France received a more careful and prolonged training than could possibly be given the most of the regiments hurriedly raised during the Civil War. The story goes that a raw battalion of rough backwoodsmen, who had "volunteered," once joined General Grant. He admired their fine physique, but distrusted the capacity of their uncouth commander to handle troops promptly and efficiently in the field, so he said:

"Colonel, I want to see your men at work; call them to attention, and order them to march with shouldered arms in close column to the left flank."

Without a moment's hesitation the colonel yelled to his fellow-ruffians:

"Boys, look wild thar! Make ready to thicken and go left endways! Tote yer guns! Git!"

The manoeuvre proved a brilliant success and the self-elected colonel was forthwith officially commissioned.

THE TWO TREATMENTS

President Wilson an ardent advocate of every kind of social reform, is fond of telling a story about an old teamster.

This old fellow said to the treasurer of the concern one day:

"Me and that off horse has been workin' for the company seventeen years, sir."

"Just so, Winterbottom, just so," said the treasurer, and he cleared his throat and added: "Both treated well, I hope?"

The old teamster looked dubious.

"Wall," he said, "we wus both tooken down sick last month, and they got a doctor for the hoss, while they docked my pay."

COMPREHENSIVE

There is nothing like taking precautions.

In the following colloquy Mr, Casey, so far as we can judge, neglected nothing. Mrs. Casey said to him:

"Me sister writes me that every bottle in that box we sent her was broken. Are ye sure yez printed 'This side up with care' on it?"

"Oi am," said Casey emphatically. "An' for fear they shouldn't see it on the top Oi printed it on the bottom as well."

BITING REPROOF

During a dust-storm at one of the army camps, a recruit sought shelter in the cook's tent.

"If you put the lid on that camp kettle you would not get so much dust in your soup."

"See here, my lad, your business is to serve your country."

"Yes," replied the recruit, "but not to eat it."

DISCRIMINATIVE

On a road in Belgium a German officer met a boy leading a jackass and addressed him in heavy jovial fashion as follows:

"That's a fine jackass you have, my son. What do you call it? Albert, I bet!"

"Oh, no, officer," the boy replied quickly. "I think too highly of my King."

The German scowled and returned:

"I hope you don't dare to call it William."

"Oh, no, officer. I think too highly of my jackass."

NOTHING TO LOSE

An author has favored us with the following anecdote, which is taken from the opening of a chapter in a forthcoming book dealing with the war. It is another example of the pioneer character of ministerial service with us. The varieties of opportunity are constantly changing, but out in the front, according to the needs of our day and generation, there stands the Unitarian with the equipped mind and the ready hand. "A year ago, in London, a man originally from New York State came up and spoke to me as a fellow-American. He wore the garb of a Canadian officer. After I had answered his query as to what I was doing in England, he said: 'My work is rather different. I am looking after the social evil and venereal diseases in the Canadian Army.' 'Then you are a medical man?' 'No, said he, 'I tried to get my English medical friends to take hold of the work, but they said that they had their reputations to look after. I have no reputation to lose. I am simply a Unitarian clergyman.'"

BAIT

When Mike Flaherty abandoned South Boston for Lynn and hired a cottage with a bit of a back yard the first thing he did was to hurry back to the Hub of the Universe and purchase a monkey. "Divil a wurrd" of his scheme would he disclose to his old cronies in Boston. But afterward he let out:

"'Twas like this: I chained the monk to a shtick in me yard, and the coal thrains do be passin' all day foreninst, and on iv'ry cairr do be a brakeman. In one waik, begorra, I had two tons of coal in me cellar, and the monk never wanst hit."

BASEBALL "OVER THERE"

In a camp "Over There" the Turkish prisoners are allowed some freedom and among other things our American boys introduced them to the game of baseball. The Turks did remarkably well at it. One of them stepped up to the bat one day, and taking it firmly in his hand turned to the east and salaaming said in a reverent voice "Allah, assist thy servant." He then made a three bagger.

The next player to the bat was an American boy who was not going to let that Turk beat him. He also stepped up to the bat, clasped it firmly in his hand, salaaming to the east said, "You know me, Al,' keeping up with the Turk."



INDEX OF TITLES

Accounting for It 23 Accuracy 101 Acrobat in the Squad, An 243 Advice to Mabel 141 Alas! Too Late! 35 Allegro 119 All or Nothing 159 Always Get the Facts 4 Always Safety First 216 Anglomaniac, An 93 And He Succeeded 173 Another Engagement 100 Anticipating the Pleasure 184 Appraised 71 Appreciation 119 Apprehending the Kaiser 168 Archie's Neck 109 Arrival of Wilhelm, The 31 Automatic "Efficiency" 149 Bait 251 Balls 89 Bargain-counter Golf 116 Baseball "Over There" 251 Bay State Solomon, A 83 Beginning Early 222 Benefactor of Mankind, A 228 Best of Reasons 235 Better Way, The 147 Beyond Him 200 Beyond the Sense of Humor 224 Big Chances Both Ways 206 Biting Reproof 249 Blissful Ignorance 137 Boiled 144 Bootblack's Generosity, The 162 Business Is Business 161, 212 Caesar Visits Cicero 30 Camouflage 191 Can This Be True? 4 Cash! 50 Cautious Mourner 98 Change for the Better 206 Charity 140 Clincher, A 26 Coaxer, A 149 Comparison 58 Compliments of the Day 46 Comprehensive 249 Comrades! 57 Conclusive 130 Connoisseur, A 28 Considering Father 207 Couldn't Be Bothered 85 Crown Prince Called Down 220 Curiosity 156 Dad Was Wise 205 Danger Signals 87 Deep-laid Plan, A 136 Deep One, A 104 Delayed 198 Delightful Experience, A 201 Depended on the Mule 219 Deserved the Legacy 75 Diagnosed 187 Diagnosing Himself 81 Didn't Suit Him 49 Didn't Want to Rob Him 114 Difference, The 118 Difficult Passage, A 123 Dignities of Office, The 143 Diplomat, A 117 Disadvantage, A 84 Discerning 223 Discriminative 249 Doing His Duty, But 183 Doing Unto His Neighbor 124 Dual Reputation, A 215 Durable 101 Easy Adjustment, An 70 Easy Matter, An 72 Ecclesiastical Dues Enforced 69 Eclipse, The, to Order 27 Effective! 122 Elimination 166 Endurance 180 Enough! 174 Envy? 38 Equatorial Michigan 236 Evidence 126 Experienced 113 Expert, An 227 Facing the Truth 246 Fact Was, The 237 Fair Warning 175 Fame 144 Figuratively Speaking 134 Flattering Explanation, A 49 Following Instructions 240 Forced Into It 145 French Politeness 231 Frugal to the End 239 Full Particulars Free 19 Full Spead Ahead 177 Futile Experiment, A 39 Future Statesman, A 127 Gastronomical 151 Gentle Dissolution, A 39 German Arithmetic 122 Get-rich-quick Scheme, A 48 Getting Even 109, 187 Gifted Youth, A 107 Give Him Time 82 Give Us the Chance 201 Grateful to the Doctor 138 Great Relief in Heaven 7 Guide! 167 Guilty 38 Guilty Conscience, A 153 Had Had Treatment 29 Had His Rights 102 Had Heard Him Before 54 Had to Be Settled 21 Happy Ending Wanted 192 Hard Knock, A 100 Hard Up for Wind 157 Heaven Sent 47 He Couldn't Have Missed It 37 He Got It Twice 142 He Got Results Anyway 247 He Knew Bryan 158 He Knew the Law 10 He Might be, but She Wasn't 138 He Obeyed 175 Her Domestic Instincts 55 Her Own 64 Her Prayer 98 He Scorned the Thought 171 He Understood 195 He Was Broad Minded 6 He Was Not a Prohibitionist 170 High Finance 15 His Application 25 His by Right 234 His Complaint 184 His Favorite Beast 214 His Generosity 114 His Great Ambition 167 His Lack 23 His Need 159 His Search for the Practical 157 His System Was a Complete One 243 Historical 63 His Ultimatum 107 Hoodooed 145 Horse Psychologist, A 148 How Could He Know? 131 How He Got Them 29 How Mary Lost a Tip 199 How to Tell a Well-bred Dog 128 How War Began 180 Humbled 221 Ian Hay's Fate 191 Immortal! 33 Impersonal 172 Improvement! 76 In Advance 131 Inconsiderate 99 Indissoluble Partners 218 In Memoriam 83 In Our Melting Pot 81 Intelligent Cat, The 196 In the Old Days 241 Is This Tact? 221 It Happened in Illinois 108 "It Is Forbidden" 97 Its Name 200 Jeems Henry Was Conjured! 73 Joe's Diagnosis 89 Joy of Eating 115 Just Answered 120 Justice to T.R. 169 Kaiser's Last Word, The 163 Keeping It in the Family 74 Kindness 204 Knew His Business 188 Knew His Job 92 Knew More About Hens Than History, 140 Last Resort 56 Last Word, The, as Usual 238 Lesson in Manners, A 154 Life, The 84 Life's Eternal Query 14 Limit, The 124, 232 Limited Dissipation 232 Literal Censor, A 151 Little too Thrifty, A 199 Long Story, A 215 Looked That Way 57 Makes a Difference 186 Making It Fit 154 Man He Left Behind, The 135 Manna 47 Mark Twain on Millionaires 64 Matrimonial Endurance 180 Matrimonial Profundity 15 Matter of Nomenclature, A 96 Matter with Kansas, The 146 Memories 69 Might Draw Business 43 Misleading 88 Missed His Chance 6 Missing It 181 Mistaken Identity? 53 Mistakes Will Happen 87 More Scotch Thrift 204 Moving Tale, A 65 Much Simpler 105 New Complaint, A 224 New Regime, The 16 New Servant-girl Story 5 "Next!" 58 No Change in Shylock 174 No Danger 43 Non Fit 234 No Free Advertising 132 No Joque 165 No Peace for Him 144 No Place for Him 240 No Telling 125 No Use for It 121 Not a Native 141 Not Enough Scenery 190 Not For Her to Say 227 Nothing to Lose 250 Not in the Tactics 153 Not Much to Talk About 240 Not So Difficult 75 Nourishment 28 Obeying Orders 91 Obvious Place, The 182 Old Hand, An 193 On Duty Elsewhere 162 One Explanation 94 One on Him 80 One Way Out 179 On Her Nerves 50 Only one Thing for Him 136 Oriental Politeness 34 Original Method, The 201 "Over Here" 13 Perfectly Natural 117 Perfect Program, A 232 Perpetual Motion 113 Person of Discernment, A 193 Pessimists 198 Pigtails and Moustaches 157 Playing Safe 178 Point of Honor, The 3 Poser, A 42 "Prayer of the Unrighteous" 101 Preparedness 176 Pride 197 Pride in the Daily Task 114 Probably Right 111 Proper Spirit, The 112 Proposal, The 139 Proving It 104 Purely Literary 90 Putting It up to the Horse 185 Ready-witted Parson, A 103 Real Culprit, The 95 Record Breaker, A 126 Remorse 94 Revealed 80 Revised Classics 24, 163 Rivalry 172 Robbing Himself 197 Rotund 224 Safe 45 Safe Deposit 146 Same Old Hours, The 133 Scotch Thrills 25 Scriptural 236 Sensitive 121 Sermon on the War, A, By Parson Brown, 10 She Admitted It 228 She Knew Him 48 Silent Contempt 106 Silver Lining, The 230 Simple Faith 231 Simple Political Life, The 156 Skeptic, A 192 Smarty! 26 Smarty! 127 Soft Answer, A 88 Solving a Great Problem 186 Some Fight 225 Some Speed 135 Something! 189 Specially Endowed 165 Sporting Proposition, A 139 Staying on the Job 211 Still Companionable 70 Still Not Satisfied 148 Still Unbeaten 22 Stock Suffrage Argument, A 103 Story from the Front, A 235 Stories about James Gordon Bennett, 209 Sunshine, Mr., and Mr, Gloom 61 Surprising 217 Table of Comparison 92 Taking no Chances 242 Taxed to Capacity 150 Test of Friendship, A 136 Teuton Way, The 118 Their "Bit" 86 Their One Topic 110 Their Opportunity 182 Then Things Happened 188 They Meant to Be Fair 40 They Were so Glad to See Him 19 This Happened in Chicago 53 "Tipperary" in Chinese 233 Tit for Tat 194 Too Forward 90 Too Good to Be Wasted 195 Too Long a Shot 120 Too Much! 52, 142 Too Personal 242 Too Strong a Term 226 Touchy 196 Try It and See 128 Try This 115 True Optimist, A 194, 217 Two Treatments, The 248 Unchangeable 9 Uneasy 116 Unfortunate Affair, An 155 Unprepared Base Threatened 98 Unreturned Favors 112 Up to Him 152 Vulnerable 87 Warned in Twenty Years 222 Warning to Authors 207 Wasn't Calling Her Dear 189 Welcoming the Actor 85 What Did Solomon Say? 107 What He Might Have Been 129 When the "S" Fell Out 18 Where Ignorance Is Bliss 17 Where Vermont Scored 123 Who Could Tell? 36 Why Be Polite Anyway? 31 Why Not? 130, 132, 133 Why Should He Know? 77 Winner, The 150 Words Failed Her 178 Worm Turned, The 185 Worse! 118 Worth a Chance 205 Yankee Fodder 93

THE END